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    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
    Ebook201 pages1 hour

    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

    By Dennis Diclaudio

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Profiling fifty of the most disgusting, painful, life-threatening and otherwise icky diseases, this remarkable book is the perfect treat for the closet temperature-taker, speed-dialing doctor stalker, or tissue-wielding virus-phobe in all of us. Each disease is fully documented, including a checklist of symptoms, an overview, treatment, prognosis, and-for the rare cases in which the reader is not yet infected-notes on prevention. With fascinating, sickeningly accurate text written by a member of the editorial staff in the Infectious Disease Department of Elsevier, The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have is capable of startling even the most health-confident into fanatical hand washing.
    Dennis DiClaudio is on the editorial staff of a renowned medical publisher, and a humor writer. His short pieces have been published in a number of journals, including Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He has also produced three of his plays for the New York International Fringe Festival and the Philadelphia Fringe Festival. He lives in Philadelphia.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBloomsbury USA
    Release dateDec 1, 2008
    ISBN9781596917699
    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
    Author

    Dennis Diclaudio

    Dennis DiClaudio is a humor and fiction writer and an improvisational and sketch comedian. He has had several plays produced, is an online writer for Comedy Central, and spent years in the editorial department of Elsevier, one of the world's largest medical publishing companies. He is the author of The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide and The Paranoid's Pocket Guide. He lives in Philadelphia.

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    4.5/5

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    • 5/5
      From autoimmune disorders to viral infections, and everything in between, The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have by Dennis DiClaudio covers forty different real medical conditions that are hilariously terrifying. Each entry comes a short list of symptoms, a diagnosis, a prognosis, and treatment options. In case you don't already have the disease, helpful prevention tips are provided. I was cracking up reading this! I recognised a few, but many of these were new to me. Highly recommended, both for humour value, and trivia value! ***Many thanks to the Netgalley & Quarto Publishing for providing an egalley in exchange for a fair and honest review.
    • 5/5
      This book is an absolute treasure. If you love obscure medical trivia and witty banter, you must get this book. The engraving-style illustration add to the humor, but the delightful thing is that I learned quite a lot about these diseases. Here is an excerpt from my favorite chapter, on the candiru, lovely South American fish that do unpleasant things to male anatomy:"Prognosis: Expect lots and lots of pain. The candiru will be up inside you, sucking at your blood and flesh, raking its teeth across the mucus membrane of your urinary tract and swelling in size the more it eats. The hemorrhaging that occurs may very well induce death. Even if it doesn't, the pain involved may inspire death.Prevention: Do not pee in the water while swimming, particularly not in the Amazon or Orinoco Rivers in South America, where the fish is most prevalent. On second thought, don't even go in the water. On third thought, stay home and rent a movie. It's much safer."I will be keeping this book forever, and probably will buy a few more copies for gifts. I don't recommend reading this while on public transportation, because it will make you very afraid to touch anything.

    Book preview

    The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have - Dennis Diclaudio

    THE

    HYPOCHONDRIAC'S

    Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases

    You Probably Already Have

    This is a work of humor. The diseases and the information on them are real, but some facts may have been omitted because they were boring or to make room for gratuitous profanity. This is not to be used as a medical text.

    Copyright © 2006 by Dennis DiClaudio

    All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address Bloomsbury Publishing, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

    Published by Bloomsbury Publishing, New York and London

    Distributed to the trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers

    All papers used by Bloomsbury Publishing are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in well-managed forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

    Library of Congress Cat a loging-in-Publication Data

    DiClaudio, Dennis.

    The hypochondriac's pocket guide to horrible diseases you probably already have / Dennis DiClaudio.—1st U.S. ed.

    p. cm.

    eISBN: 978-1-59691-769-9

    I. Hypochondria—Humor. 2. Hypochondria—Popular works. I. Title.

    RC552.H8D53 2005

    616.85'25—dc22

    2005053014

    First U.S. Edition 2006

    10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

    Printed in Singapore by Tien Wah Press

    THE

    HYPOCHONDRIAC'S

    Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases

    You Probably Already Have

    DENNIS DICLAUDIO

    BLOOMSBURY

    CONTENTS

    INTRODUCTION

    AUTOIMMUNE

    ACROMEGALY

    CORNU CUTANEUM

    GYNAECOMASTIA

    MANDIBULAR AMELOBLASTOMA

    OPSOCLONUS-MYOCLONUS SYNDROME

    SCLERODERMA

    TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS

    BACTERIAL

    BACILLARY ANGIOMATOSIS

    BEJEL

    CANCRUM ORIS

    LEPROSY

    MYCOBACTERIOSIS

    NECROTIZING FASCIITIS

    GENETIC & NEUROLOGICAL

    AKINETIC MUTISM

    ALIEN HAND SYNDROME

    CONGENITAL ERYTHROPOIETIC PORPHYRIA

    FIBRODYSPLASIA OSSIFICANS PROGRESSIVA

    PROGERIA

    RHEUMATIC CHOREA

    TRIMETHYLAMINURIA

    IDIOPATHIC

    BURNING MOUTH SYNDROME

    CAVERNOUS SINUS GRANULOMATOSIS

    CERVICAL DYSTONIA

    CHRONIC IDIOPATHIC DIARRHEA

    CYCLIC VOMITING SYNDROME

    EOSINOPHILIA-MYALGIA SYNDROME

    PARASITIC

    ASCARIASIS

    CANDIRÚ INFESTATION

    CEREBRAL SPARGANOSIS

    DRACUNCULIASIS

    ENTEROBIASIS

    LYMPHATIC FILARIASIS

    MYIASIS

    NORWEGIAN SCABIES

    OCULAR LOIASIS

    TOXIC & FUNGAL

    AMNESIC SHELLFISH POISONING

    ERGOTOXICOSIS

    HYPONATREMIA

    MUCORMYCOSIS

    VIRAL &PRI0NIC

    CREUTZFELDT-JAKOB DISEASE

    ENCEPHALITIS

    FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA

    FURIOUS RABIES

    MARBURG HEMORRHAGIC FEVER

    ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

    INTRODUCTION

    As we go about our daily lives—ordering a fourth round of mojitos, waiting in line at the supermarket to pay for our hummus, delicately hanging our photographs of tropical fish—there are a staggering number of things trying to get inside our bodies. Viruses, bacteria, worms, insects, bloodsucking fish. These things are hungry to enter our warmth and feed from our flesh, to multiply, to overtake our biological functions. And our immune systems cannot keep them all at bay. Some will get through, storm the gates, and ravage our fragile constitutions. And even as we are under siege from these intruders, we are being attacked from the inside as well. Organs faltering, neurotransmitters in the brain misfiring, long-dormant and mischievous genes sparking to life. It seems miraculous that any of us have lasted this long.

    There are thousands upon thousands of diseases known to man. Medical texts on dusty library shelves are packed full with them. In writing The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have, I wasn't concerned with the huge majority of those diseases. After a great deal of research, I decided to settle upon a simple forty-five. The forty-five diseases included here are some of the worst, the deadliest, the strangest, the most repulsive, the most unpleasant maladies—all of them IOO percent genuine—that currently exist out there, waiting for you.

    This book, however, was not intended to serve as a definitive resource for the included diseases. If, after careful self-diagnosis based upon your apparent symptoms, you come to the conclusion that you have Marburg hemorrhagic fever or cerebral sparganosis, get a second opinion. Seek the advice of neighbors and coworkers, the guy who sells imported salami to the guy who runs the corner delicatessen. Submit yourself to the capable minds of an Internet message board. As a last resort, you may want to consider talking to a qualified physician. But don't begin medicating or amputating yourself based upon the information contained herein. I, the author, am not a doctor. I am one of you—cowering, anxious, obsessively washing his hands. There are better authorities on these matters. Find them.

    If you should find that you do indeed have one of the diseases included in these pages, please understand that it is not my intention to make light of your terrible situation.

    You've got it hard enough as it is.

    Please enjoy these horrible diseases, and may God have mercy on your soul.

    -DennisJ. DiClaudio, Jr., B.A.

    AUTOIMMUNE

    In which an overachieving immune system

    causes excess growth in parts of your body

    that were better left alone.

    ACROMEGALY (ALSO GIGANTISM)

    In which excess growth hormones make it necessary for you to keep buying new hats, gloves, and shoes.

    SYMPTOMS

    DIAGNOSIS

    It's funny how your body changes in very subtle ways, day by day, so that you never really notice it. You look at your reflection in the mirror and it seems a reasonable enough facsimile to the person you saw staring back at you yesterday, but in reality it's slightly different. Time takes its toll, not in great leaps, but in small, measured steps. You have a few less hairs. The wrinkles are deepening beneath your eyes. Your wedding band digs tighter into your finger. Your skull grows wider, your forehead more sloped. Gaps form between your teeth. And your jaw isn't supposed to protrude from your face quite so prominently, is it? One day, you meet an old friend on the street, and she says, Holy shit! Why is your head so big? It's all a part of getting old. Well, getting old and having an acute case of acromegaly (ak"-ro-meg'-ah-le).

    The word itself is derived from Greek: akro, meaning ends or extremities, and megas, meaning large or super humongous. The effects of the disease, caused by an excess of growth hormones (brought on most often by a tumor growing on your pituitary gland), usually become apparent during adulthood, manifested as abnormally large hands and feet, but it can also give you a big nose, thick lips, a sloping forehead, and general facial disfigurement so that you end up looking kind of like folk-rock musician Neil Young.

    And, yes, it can affect your penis as well.

    PROGNOSIS

    It will be much easier to bar chords on your guitar. With that and the penis enlargement, you might think that acromegaly isn't so horrible as horrible diseases go. There are some downsides. The growth hormones will also affect the organs, which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, heart rhythm disorders, diabetes, and colon cancer. Your chances of premature death will be increased IOO percent.

    The disease is usually caused by a tumor of the pituitary gland, which is inside your skull, so all sorts of other problems may arise as it grows, squeezing itself against your brain and eyes. These may include headaches, vision loss, reduced sex drive, and impotence. So much for the penis thing.

    PREVENTION

    If you know a method for preventing tumors from growing inside your skull, then, by all means, use it.

    TREATMENT

    You can have the pituitary gland removed surgically. This will mean entering the skull through an incision in the nose and digging the tumor out. (Note: Please, do not attempt this on your own. Doctors are much more experienced with these things and have much better tools.)

    Another option is drug therapy. Pegvisomant, octreotide, and bromocriptine can help to normalize the production of growth hormones in the body. But this can take years to have any effect, and even if it does, the

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