Love And Suffering: My Road To Liberation

Publisher’s Note

A wide traveller, journalist and reporter, Ms. Nooshin Mehrabani, the author of the book ‘Love and Suffering’, is from Iran. The deep sense of fear and anger left in her younger days by the sudden demise of her father, leaving her young mother and children to fend for themselves, started her search for solace and guidance in her life.

As a Moslem girl by birth, she was taught to pray to the formless God separate from her own self. After coming to Bhagawan, she was totally overwhelmed by His divine love and His teachings about karma, avatar, and His divine guidance. She narrates her first darshan of Bhagawan in Puttaparthi, "My first glimpse of Him was through a small window, but it was enough. I began to cry... Even that short darshan gave me so much of bliss... I could finally give up my burdens and rest."

Many of her dreams are related to subsequent happenings in her life. In those dreams, Swami had guided her as to what she should do. Though she had on occasions doubted the genuineness of her own dreams, the later events and sometimes, Swami’s words proved them to be true.

She has also narrated a number of her interviews with Bhagawan. Whenever she failed to follow His guidance properly, she faced problems. Her sufferings brought her closer to Swami, her spiritual father and God.

She made several visits to India to have the darshan of Swami and His guidance, and above all, to get solace and comfort in His divine love and teachings. With Bhagawan’s grace and divine love, she was able to bear all the turmoil in her life and overcome them.

This book reveals glimpses of Bhagawan’s immense divine power and love. The Publications Division of Sadhana Trust is happy to present this book, with the hope that readers will find it both interesting and elevating.

With salutations at Bhagawan’s Lotus feet,

Convener

Sri Sathya Sai Sadhana Trust, Publications Division

Prasanthi Nilayam

Date: 2nd February, 2009

Acknowledgements

First and always, thanks goes to beloved Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, who is the indweller of all the hearts. He taught me that no matter how confused we become, if we are His devotees, He will always come to find us and lead us back to the right path. I thank Him for this life, where He allowed me to know Him. He has shown me the difference between knowing about God and knowing God. Books help us to know about God, but only experiences allow us to know God. I am grateful for all the experiences Swami has given me; they have been my greatest teachers.

I give thanks to my friend and Sai sister, Julia Hall, who over a period of six years, listened to my story and helped me find the words to express it, all the while sharing with me the joy, sorrow, and sacredness of loving God.

I am grateful to Rev. Father Charles Ogada, a Catholic priest of the Order of the Holy Ghost Fathers from Nigeria, whom Swami made an instrument to write the Foreword. I feel his wisdom and understanding of the universality behind all religions can help people to see this book, not as a personal story, but in the light of Swami’s teachings.

Swami tells us, Life is a cosmic stage, on which we are the actors. I thank all the people in my life, who have played their roles in making me closer to God. This book is not meant to judge or condemn others or myself. Instead, I hope that by sharing the experiences that led me to know God, others would benefit and in their own way, come closer to the Divine. Swami has taught me that I too am only an actor in His play. Through His grace, He blessed me to play a role in His story.

The play is His; the role is His gift; the lines are

written by Him. He directs, He decides the dress

and decoration, the gesture and the tone, the

entrance and the exit. You have to act the part

well and receive His approbation, when the curtain

falls. Earn the right to play higher and higher roles

by your efficiency and enthusiasm. That is the

meaning and purpose of life.

~BABA

(Compendium Of The Teachings Of Sathya Sai Baba)

Foreword

Whoever travels without a guide needs two hundred years for a two-day journey, declares a Muslim Saint. This truth is even more valid on the spiritual path, where the directions are dimensionless and the paths are like walking on a razor’s edge. This book is the journey of a soul with Sathya Sai Baba. How could words therefore describe the privilege of the author? Not only did she find a Guide on the spiritual path, but she later on came to discover that her Guide is also the Way, the Path, the Goal, the End, and the Destination of the journey! It is hoped that the Divine Footprints engraved in this spiritual odyssey will guide many back to their source. Everyone who reads this book and reflects upon the extraordinary experiences that are contained therein, will acknowledge in one way or the other, the invincible hand of this ‘Guide’ in his or her own life.

After reading this book, there is an inevitable conclusion: the author is not the author. Sai Baba Himself has neatly woven, through the author’s experiences, precious pearls of Divine Wisdom. Every page speaks of this power of Sai Transformation. Every account takes the reader to that Omega point, where what we naturally feel as suffering dissolves in His Pure Divine Love. Beyond the logic of reason, Sai Baba’s Love pulls us to that void of surrender, where we are untouched by suffering. This book, Love and Suffering: My Road to Liberation, is His story, which He has written beautifully through the experiences of the author, for the benefit of fellow pilgrims on the path.

Sai Baba appears to so many people in the dream consciousness, in order to awaken them to the reality of the dreamer. The dream level consciousness is one aspect of the human awareness that is often not taken seriously by spiritual aspirants. But, this level of our consciousness is so important, because it is the door to our subconscious mind and the subconscious mind is the storage of all our past deeds, thoughts, emotions, tendencies, and impulses. These past impulses, etc. in turn control our present disposition. Therefore, total spiritual transformation is not possible without the reformation of our subconscious mind. And this happens only when our dreams are divinised. In this book, we learn the important role, which dreams play on our spiritual path and how Sai Baba uses this medium of awareness to guide and transform devotees on the path to liberation.

It is not possible to understand the power of Sai. One can only surrender to this power. The author of this book is a Muslim. The story of how Sai Baba penetrated this Muslim mind and expanded her heart into Islam, is itself a living testimony of His Omnipotence. Islam is one religion that has been wrongly understood by both adherents and non-adherents alike. Hence, the religious wars and antagonisms that have existed between these two groups over the ages. In the Light and Love of Sai, the author brings the reader to the true essence of Islam, which is union with God through complete surrender to His Will. This is the highest state of devotion, where the devotee is one with himself, one with God, one with nature, and one with all beings. In this state of oneness, all barriers of division and separation are broken and humanity enjoys the harmony of brotherhood and the unity of Divinity, where a brother will no longer kill another brother in the name of God and where a sister will no longer tell another sister, My religion is different from yours. Nooshin’s book gives us hope that this time will be here sooner that we expect it. Indeed, we can see rays of its rising dawn, because that brilliance of infinite effulgence is here with us today, in concrete material presence. He is Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba.

Rev. Father Charles Ogada Cssp

10th March, 2008

The object of this human existence is to visualise that reality, that Atma (Universal soul), that relationship between the wave and the sea.

Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Sathya Sai Speaks, Vol. 6, P 183

Preface

I first learned about Sri Sathya Sai Baba in 1991. One year later, He came to my dream and said, In ten years, you are going to write a book. Do you know the subject of the book?

Of course; it’s about You, Swami, I answered. Then, He smiled and blessed me.

This book was begun in 2002, while I was living in Vancouver, Canada. I called it Love and Suffering: My Road to Liberation, because these are the means that Swami used to bring me closer to Him and wake me up to the truth.

When Swami came to me, the physical form of the world was the only thing I knew. The spiritual aspect of life was missing. In Swami’s words, I was, more interested in the creation, than the Creator. As Swami drew me closer, He surrounded me with His Divine Love through satsang (good company), interviews, personal experiences, seva opportunities (selfless service), and dreams. At the same time, I feel He speeded up my karma (results of previous actions), bringing on many painful experiences that helped me to release my attachments to worldly life.

For as long as I could remember, I had been searching for unconditional love, believing it could be found in human relationships - husband and wife, mother and child, friend and friend. It was hard for me to accept that human relationships are conditional, so I still believed I could hold on to them and make them perfect. Like most of us, I reacted to the actions of people around me, as if they were separate from myself. I did not see God in everyone. I did not see that inside each person was God, playing a role. This brought me so much suffering.

Human beings hold stubbornly to what is familiar, even if it hurts. So, in the beginning of my awakening to God, even Swami’s love was not enough to make me change. Suffering was the best tool. All this suffering broke my heart open, which for me was the only way that the light of God could come in. God, says Swami, is Love. Swami is that Love in human form and so, I turned to Him for comfort. As I became more aware, I began to see that suffering was the form of love that God wanted to give me, at these times in my life. I slowly realised that everything in the world was only the shadow of God. Like a shadow, we cannot hold on to it; we have to look for the real thing that creates the shadow. That is God. It is this awareness that liberates us.

In my experience, Swami is the Cosmic Omnipresent. He teaches on every level of human consciousness. From the time He introduced Himself to me, He has used waking experiences as well as the dream state to transform my life and my character and awaken my devotion.

Swami tells us that human beings have three states of consciousness: waking, dream, and deep sleep. In the waking state, we have our conscious mind and live in the world of the five elements. We perceive the elemental world through the five sense organs - nose, tongue, skin, eyes, and ears - and make choices with the conscious mind. In the dream state, the mind is still active, observing, but the body is immobile. During dreams, we experience with the five subtle senses: smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound. In deep sleep, the mind is beyond perception and awareness. It rests in God.

God is the Lord of all the elements: earth, water, fire, air, and space (ether). The human being is made up of all these elements. Our physical body is made up of the first four and our subtle body is made up of the fifth, space. Dreams happen in the subtle body, where thought moulds the element of space. Regular dreams are moulded by our everyday human experience and memories that have been stored in our subconscious from the past. When Swami appears in a dream, He uses divine consciousness to shape the element of space, creating images that communicate higher things to us. In this way, Swami can be in touch with all His devotees all over the world, in any language. Generally, He spoke to me in English, but I know of others, to whom He spoke in Farsi and other languages.

Dreams relating to God are real. You see Me in the dream, I allow you to do namaskaram (prostration), I bless you, I grant Grace; that is due to My will and your sadhana (spiritual practice). If the Lord or your guru appears in dream, it must be the result of sankalpa (divine will) and not due to any of the other reasons, which cause dreams. It can never happen as a result of your wish.

~BABA (Sathya Sai Speaks, Vol.5)

Swami once told me in an interview, Why do you doubt these dreams? I come to you Myself. I know this is true, because every dream of Swami was connected with something that was happening in my waking life.

This book tells the story of how God, in the form of Sathya Sai Baba, worked to awaken one soul. If we are blessed, we will wake-up fully and realise the truth that we ourselves are God. This is called self-realisation.

Nooshin Mehrabani,

Prasanthi Nilayam

Chapter 1

I was born in Iran. The country was under the regime of Mohammad Reza Shah, the last king of Iran and to my child’s mind, everything seemed prosperous and peaceful. I grew up in Tehran, the largest and most cosmopolitan city. I was the middle daughter with one older brother and a younger brother and sister. Our family was very comfortable and we children always felt well provided for and loved. Although we were Moslems, my parents were not religious in any formal way. They were just good people, who practised human values. We had a wonderful caring mother, who made so many sacrifices to raise us. My father was a kind and generous person to his family and community.

The memory of my father starts at age five and it is a combination of love and pain. There is a mystery about him, one for which I never got an answer, but finally had to accept. My father left us, when I was twelve years old, by taking his own life. He had tried several times before, but had always been rescued. The last time, he went off alone and succeeded. A letter was found next to his body, addressed, To My Loved Ones. In it, he said that no one was responsible for his death. He loved my mother and all of us very much, but could not live in this world anymore. Children are very sensitive and I had lived in fear for several years, thinking that he would kill himself one day. When finally it happened, my whole body became numb, as if my mind practised detachment even at that young age. It was so difficult to face that situation and feel the pain.

At the time of my father’s death, my mother was just twenty eight and had the sole responsibility of raising four children. Relatives from both my mother and father’s side were loving and supportive. They made our life easier and I thank God for having such a generous extended family. My mother’s constant love and personal sacrifice took away some of the bitterness that came from losing our father. Secretly, I lived in fear that I could lose my mother too. Inside I was very sad, but I did not speak about this with anyone. It was not the custom to see a therapist or counsellor at that time, so I just carried on with life. I could not find any answer for my father’s action. For many years, I held a hidden anger, because I was not able to forgive my father for leaving us alone.

The parents’ karma of past births does not affect the children. Everyone is born according to his or her own individual karma. When you die, you carry with you only your own good deeds and bad deeds, not other peoples. When you are born, you have your own kantamala (necklace of karma) around your neck and not other peoples. So, one’s present situation in life depends upon one’s own karma or action in the past and not on the karma of other people.

~ BABA (Sathya Sai Vahini)

The night before my father passed away, I had a dream, where I saw the funeral and the mourners who were all wearing black. I even saw the colour of the stone of his grave. It was right after he died that I wrote my first letter to God, telling Him of the pain and suffering I felt over the loss of my father.

As a Moslem, I was taught to pray to a formless God. I believed God to be more like a symbol than an active force in our lives. God was something separate from me, living in a universe in the sky, not in my heart. What I heard from the religious people was that you had to be afraid of God and be careful not to commit any sin.

I never had another dream about my father, until I came to Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. Baba teaches that we must forgive everyone, no matter what they have done. Forgiveness helps us to become detached from our anger and pain and to begin to communicate with God. Forgiveness is the supreme virtue of this world, Baba says, It is truth; it is righteousness. Baba made me ready to forgive my father.

I remember one night before going to sleep, I talked to my father, telling him how much I love him and that I was ready to forgive him for what he did to all of us by destroying himself. That same night, my father came in my dream. He was age thirty eight, the age he had been when he passed away. He looked so young and handsome, just as I remembered him. I saw him in a beautiful garden. We talked together and I cried on his shoulder for a long time. In my dream, I knew that my father was dead,