Are you sure?
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Unabashedly Inappropriate
Ratings:
181 pages1 hour
Summary
Diane Henders is a Canadian humorist, computer geek, and ex-interior designer who deals with her mid-life crisis by lying through her teeth (referred to in polite society as “fiction writing”).
"Unabashedly Inappropriate” is the fifth volume of posts from her blog.
Books in the series:
Volume 1: Probably Inappropriate
Volume 2: Definitely Inappropriate
Volume 3: Totally Inappropriate
Volume 4: Completely Inappropriate
Volume 5: Unabashedly Inappropriate
Publisher: Diane HendersReleased: Jun 22, 2016ISBN: 1927460425Format: book
Book Preview
Unabashedly Inappropriate - Diane Henders
Matter
Don’t Buy This Book, Either
In Volume 1: Probably Inappropriate, I mentioned that there’s no reason for you to buy the book. There’s no reason to buy this one, either.
This is another selection of posts from my blog at www.dianehenders.com. Everything that’s in this book is available for free online, along with all the lovely comments from my fabulous and funny visitors. Just like the other volumes, I can’t include the comments because of copyright law, which is really unfortunate because my visitors are the best part of the blog.
But...
If you like the feel of a book (or e-reader) in your hands; if you like a neatly packaged compilation you can page through as you please... well, then, this book is for you.
I’ll be happy if you buy it, and I hope you enjoy it.
Diane Henders
YEAH, I’M ACTUALLY LIKE THAT…
Bad Moon Rising
I was sitting at the breakfast table mulling over topics for today’s post when it happened. To be honest, I wasn’t particularly shocked. I’d been half-expecting something bad.
Usually by the time I get out of the shower in the morning I’ve got some ideas for a blog post, but this week nothing funny had happened. I hadn’t fallen off an exercise ball or dropped a dumbbell on my face at the gym. I hadn’t misread anything that made me go, "Wait, what?" and I hadn’t blurted out anything incriminating or even slightly inappropriate.
That made me nervous. I figured the universe must be saving up something truly dire for me.
I was right.
I’d made it all the way to the breakfast table without inspiration, and I was staring blankly out the window when the woman from several doors down emerged from her house with her little dog. Nothing unusual about that, but apparently there was something on her driveway this morning. So she bent over to pick it up.
Bent deeply at the waist.
She was wearing a short nightdress.
Fortunately she was too far away for me to make out details, but if she was actually wearing underwear, it was the exact colour of her skin.
I looked away hurriedly, thinking she’d feel the draft and realize what was happening, but either she was happily oblivious or else she’s an exhibitionist. She puttered around for a good five minutes, turning in all directions and bending over so deeply her skirt rode up far enough for everyone to see not only London and France, but also Turkey, Pakistan, and all of Oceania.
I admit it; I laughed. It reminded me of all the other times I’ve been subjected to views I really could have done without.
A few decades ago mooning was a common sport on the highway. Back then, you knew enough not to glance over if a car pulled up beside you but didn’t pass. If you did look, you were almost certain to see a bare ass hanging out the car window. (I haven’t seen that in years, though, so I guess the seatbelt laws have been good for something.)
And of course, plumber’s butt still abounds. I’ve seen ‘way too many hairy butt-cracks burgeoning out of low-slung jeans while their owners wrestle building materials into their trucks at the lumber store. But I usually assume those are accidental.
The ones I really wonder about are the guys who wear loose-fitting shorts with no underwear. Then they sit directly across from you with a smile on their face and their junk hanging out the leg of their shorts. Okay, guys, maybe it’s nice to give the boys some air, but I can’t help thinking you’re enjoying it a little too much.
I suppose I can’t exactly criticize, though. Having inadvertently done my share of mooning I pretty much have to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, including my alfresco neighbour lady.
At least there was one good thing about getting mooned: I renewed my acquaintance with one of my old-time faves, Creedence Clearwater Revival.
P.S. I saw my neighbour again about twenty minutes later, but this time she was wearing shorts. Maybe she noticed the breeze after all…
Werewolf Porn Star
Well, it’s been an interesting week on the blog. After doing back-to-back posts featuring scrotums and syphilis, I fully expected to find some, erm… unique search terms in my blog stats.
I navigated eagerly to my stats for the week, expecting a plethora of twisted terms. But instead I found this:
What, no scrotums or syphilis?
I could probably have had some fun (of the literary sort) with the first one, but ‘Sex at Calgary Stampede’? So mundane. *sigh*
Still, it’s nice to see that the classic ‘we’re all free! And naked!’ made it into the top four yet again. Even though I wrote that post over two years ago, it’s still the most popular search term that brings people to my blog:
Wait, am I detecting a theme here…?
I sure wish I knew what all these people are looking for. I’m not promising I’d supply it if I found out, but damn, I’m curious! Meanwhile, for all you bloggers out there: If you want to increase your site traffic dramatically, just write a post using the magic phrase.
Giving up on my search engine stats, I turned to my spam folder for entertainment. Alas, the spammers were merely plying me with generic praise unrelated to my posts and offers for payday loans and handbags (though I’m pleased to see the handbag ads are diminishing).
Fortunately for my sense of humour, a couple of gems slipped through the filters to land on my posts.
You may recall I mentioned I’d discovered my inner werewolf a few months ago. Imagine my surprise when I found this comment: …Becoming a breed of the lycanthropus blend of the werewolf and acquiring hircine’s gifts enables one to live a powerful life. Join the seventh sixth pack of the Hademus, know the shapeshifting techniques, spells, feel among and enjoy supernatural gifts. If you really want to become a werewolf, contact…
It included contact information, details on the strain of werewolfism (is that a word?) to infect me, and the specific werewolf spells and curses that would be applied, along with information on the werewolf father and werewolf god, and an application form. It was quite specific and well-organized, but the last line of the application form was the zinger: Tell us why you want to become a werewolf
. I guess there must be a high demand for werewolf conversions so they need to screen out the posers.
Apparently it was Alternative Career Recruitment Week, because I also got this on my Guest Book: …if you are interested in becoming a porn star, either male or female in xxx videos, this is an opportunity for you to apply with our company…
It also included contact information, salary details, travel allowances, and an application form.
It’s wonderful to know my career opportunities are so many and varied. Since they offered me the option of either male or female, I think I’d like to become a male porn star. Or better still, a male werewolf porn star.
I just hope my new employers won’t insist on the ‘no body hair’ look. ‘Cause for a werewolf, that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘waxing moon’.
Aaaarrooooooo!
A Clean Post
As my blogging buddy Sue Slaght pointed out last week, you know you’ve hit the big time when one of your blog posts gets banned. Apparently WordPress flagged last week’s post as ‘likely inappropriate’ and blocked it from their Reader application.
Well, dang. Who knew they’d object to a post containing the words p*rn, s*x, scr*tum, sy*hilis, and n*ked? They were obviously okay with allowing the original p*rn commenter to solicit me on my guest book. And I’ve done two other posts with the word n*ked in the title, so it couldn’t be that. The previous week’s post containing ‘s*x’, ‘sy*hilis’, and ‘scr*tum’ got through okay…
Wait; maybe ‘werew*lf’ was the offending word!
I got a belly-laugh out of the whole thing, partly because their tag perfectly fit my blog compilation series. Maybe I should name the upcoming book ‘Likely Inappropriate’ in homage to WordPress’s delicate sensibilities.
The funniest part was that last week’s post was actually one of the cleaner ones I’ve written. I mean, really; I was talking about spam and search terms. I didn’t even tell any dirty jokes. Jeez.
But I’ve learned my lesson, honest. So this week I’ve written an innocent post full of valuable writing advice. No dirty words at all. This one’s for you, WordPress:
Cleaning Up Your Post
The relationship between blogger and reader is an intimate one, and it’s important
You've reached the end of this preview. Sign up to read more!
Page 1 of 1