Such Sweet Sorrow by Catrin Collier by Catrin Collier - Read Online

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Such Sweet Sorrow - Catrin Collier

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Chapter One

‘Damn and …’

‘Less of your language, William Powell.’ Fumbling blindly for the wall to her left, Tina Ronconi braced herself and stooped to help William from the pavement. It wasn’t easy. A fine drizzle obscured what little light they might have hoped for from the moon. She couldn’t see anything other than the pale glimmer of the white handkerchief she’d pinned to the lapel of her coat, and the even fainter, intermittent white line painted on to the kerb.

‘That’s my leg you’ve got hold of, not my arm,’ he complained irritably.

‘Why are you upside down?’

‘Because some dull clot put their ash bin out for innocent people to fall over,’ came the muffled reply.

‘Stop fooling around.’

‘I am not fooling around. I’m trying to stop the bin from rolling down the hill and waking half the Graig. What a stupid place to put it.’

‘Outside the front door ready for the ash man?’ Tina suggested mildly.

‘They should have waited until morning. Don’t they know how dark it is in a blackout?’ As he managed to right the bin, the lid escaped his clutches and rolled noisily, clattering over the pavement into the road. A sash window slammed open behind them.

‘When you’ve quite finished having a party out there, some people are trying to sleep!’

‘And others could walk home in peace if idiots didn’t set booby traps on the pavements for them to trip over.’

‘Is that you, William Powell?’

‘Mrs Roberts!’ William switched to his charm-laden, market sales-patter voice. ‘You sound lovely in the dark. If Mr Roberts isn’t around I’ll serenade you. Would you like something romantic or patriotic?’

‘I’ll serenade your backside in a minute, boy.’

‘Sorry, Mr Roberts, didn’t know you were home.’

‘And where else would I be at this hour of the night?’

‘You made me promise never to tell.’

‘Why you …’

Another window crashed open further down the street. William grabbed Tina’s hand and hauled her up the hill before the argument escalated.

‘This is hopeless,’ Tina cried as William led them into a lamp-post. She stopped for a moment, straining her eyes into the darkness in the hope of recognising a familiar shadow in the gloom. ‘I’ll bring a torch tomorrow.’

‘Dai Station will only yell at you to switch it off the minute he sees it, even if you point it at your feet and wrap the regulation two sheets of tissue paper around the lens. If you ask me the ARP wardens in Ponty are training to join the Nazis. Haven’t you noticed how they’re all growing moustaches and practising the goose step? It’s a ploy to encourage boys to volunteer. You can’t beat up the ARPs, lads, but we’ll give you a crack at the next-best thing.’

‘You’d better not let Dai Station hear you saying that.’

‘Why not? It may give him the inspiration he needs to join up and do some real fighting instead of reporting little old ladies for showing chinks of light when they put the cat out at night.’ Blocking her path he drew her towards him. ‘Mind you,’ he reached out, feeling for her face with his fingertips. ‘The blackout has some advantages.’

‘Not here, Will.’ She ducked under his arm as he bent his head to hers.

‘As it’s blacker than a coal hole everywhere, what’s the difference between here and there?’ he grumbled as she caught his hands’ in hers, tucked her arm into his, and forced him to carry on walking up the hill towards her home in Danycoedcae Road.

‘A lot. It won’t take Tony long to close the café. He and Diana will be right behind us.’

‘As they can’t see any more than we can, they won’t know the difference between us and a pair of tomcats.’

‘Perhaps we ought to walk in the middle of the road,’ she suggested after hitting her ankle painfully on a raised doorstep.

‘You want to get knocked down by a car?’

‘We’d hear it.’

‘Not necessarily before it clouted us. Ouch!’ He reeled into her, almost knocking her off her feet.

‘What was that?’

‘Another ashbin jumped out and attacked me.’

‘Not much further,’ she consoled.

‘What’s the point in getting there when you won’t even give me a goodnight kiss to make up for all this suffering.’

‘You’re not suffering any more than I am.’

‘But I will be. You live further up the hill than me. I could have turned up Graig Avenue by the vicarage. Instead here I am, risking life and limb, not to mention the walk back down Illtyd Street …’

‘Have you had your registration papers?’ she interrupted sharply as they turned the corner. She’d waited for an opportune moment to ask him the question all evening, but despite the atmosphere of pessimism, the war and the blackout, the café she helped her older brother Tony to run had been busier than usual. Tony and her younger brother Angelo who worked in the kitchen hadn’t been able to dispense with her services for a moment. But even if she could have stolen a few minutes away from the counter and till, William hadn’t left the table where he’d played cards with a crowd of boys from the Graig until closing time.

‘They came yesterday morning.’

Neither the casual tone of his disembodied voice nor the light squeeze he gave the fingers she’d tucked into the crook of his elbow fooled her. ‘And?’

‘There’s no and about it. I don’t think the army is into accepting excuses like, I’m otherwise engaged for the duration.

‘You can go back down the pit. Everyone says they’ll soon be making mining a protected occupation.’

‘For good reason. It’s worse than a battlefield down there.’

‘More men get killed on a battlefield than down the pit,’ she retorted tartly, shivering at the thought of him leaving Pontypridd – and her – possibly for ever.

‘I’ll take my chances on a battlefield any day.’

‘You can’t mean that?’

For once he dropped his baiting, bantering tone. ‘I’ve never told anyone this before, but I wasn’t that sorry when the pits closed. Living on bread, scrape and charity seemed a small price to pay for being able to breathe fresh air and walk around in daylight. That’s why I jumped at the chance of working for Charlie when he offered me a job, and why I’ll carry on working in his shop, no matter how much they up the money in the pits.’

‘But going into the army will mean leaving the shop.’

‘That can’t be helped.’

‘But Charlie will never manage without you …’

He laughed briefly. ‘The way prices are being controlled and rationing is beginning to affect profits, half of the shopkeepers in town will be forced to lay off staff. No matter how philanthropic they’d like to be, no businessman can afford to pay an assistant to stand behind a counter when there’s nothing to sell.’

‘I know what you mean. Tony registered our three cafés with the council weeks ago, but we still haven’t been told how much food we’re going to be allocated, and Papa says they’re soon going to have to ration everything, not just bacon, ham, butter and sugar.’

‘Let’s forget the war for five minutes and talk about us.’ He halted at the white cross her father had painted on the wall outside his house.

‘How can there be an ‘us’, if you’re going away?’

He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her beret and hair. The cooking aromas of the café vied with the clean, fresh fragrances of soap and eau-de-Cologne. He had met Tina on their first day in Maesycoed Infants’ School, and announced to his mother that evening that he intended to marry her. But it was only now, when they were closer to being separated than Tina knew, that he realised just how much he did love her.

‘The last thing that’s going to be needed in this war are butchers,’ he began awkwardly, trying to pave the way for what he had to tell her. ‘The kind that joint animals, anyway,’ he continued drily.

‘So what are you going to do?’ Her heart was hammering so violently she wondered that he couldn’t hear it. She already suspected the answer to her question. She’d overheard her brothers whispering early that morning and noticed that her father’s copy of the Western Mail was missing from his chair. The same copy she’d seen the advertisement in.






It was the phrase MEN REGISTERED TO BE CALLED UP UNDER NATIONAL SERVICE, BUT NOT ALREADY CALLED that had caught her eye. William’s cousin Eddie had written home about his life in the Guards, not exactly in glowing terms, but with an obvious pride in his successful completion of an arduous training course that had equipped him to do a dangerous, necessary and vital job in France. She’d seen the look in William’s eye as he’d passed Eddie’s letters around the café. He and Eddie were close, and good friends of both her brothers, and joining the Guards was probably the only way the boys would be able to guarantee that they’d be allowed to serve together.

‘Well seeing as how I’ve got to go some time soon anyway –’

‘You’ve joined up, haven’t you?’ she broke in, unable to bear the suspense a moment longer.

‘We decided it would be better to join the Welsh Guards together than wait until they called us and run the risk of being split up and sent God knows where among the English.’

Her mouth went dry. The darkness that swirled around her was suddenly tinged with red. None of her suspicions had prepared her for this terrible certainty.

‘You did it today? Not just you, but Tony and Angelo as well?’ Resentment boiled inside her, not just over William’s defection, but Tony’s and Angelo’s. Just who did they think was going to run the cafés now?

‘Yes,’ he answered quietly,

‘That’s why you all went out together this morning?’

He bent his head and kissed her forehead. Because of the darkness she couldn’t tell whether he’d meant to kiss her there, or on her lips. ‘It makes sense, love.’

‘No it doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense for any of you to go.’

‘It’s not as though we want to …’

‘Oh yes, you do,’ she contradicted bitterly. ‘You might say you don’t, but just look at the lot of you! You haven’t a brain between you! You can’t even wait for them to come and get you, you have to volunteer. What do you think war is? A picnic in France with continental girls fawning all over you? Soldiers get shot. They die!’

‘I know what war is. My father got killed in the last one, remember?’

‘Then you’ve less reason to go than anyone. Your family has paid the price once; don’t break your mother’s heart a second time. Please, Will, stay and work in the pit,’ she begged, refusing to accept that it was already too late for him to change his mind. ‘They’ll win this war whether you go or not.’

‘None of us are stupid enough to believe that we’re important in the scheme of things, but we’ve no choice. Can’t you see that? All of us are going to be called up – this month – next month – it’s only a matter of time. And as we’ve got to go, we prefer to go together.’

‘So it’s better to get killed in crowds? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘No, but having a mate around can make a difference. My father joined up with half the men from the Graig. When he died Bob Roberts from Danygraig Street was with him.’

‘And you want Eddie, Tony and Angelo to hold your hand when you get killed?’

‘I’ve no intention of getting killed.’

‘I bet every soldier who’s ever marched away has said that.’

‘Eddie says the biggest danger in France is being hit on the head by a leaflet dropped from a German plane. As soon as we’ve done our training we’ll be sent to join him, and just the threat of a trained force stationed across the German border will be enough to make Hitler back down. You’ll see.’ He’d read a similar sentiment in a newspaper, and although he didn’t really believe it, he repeated it in the hope that it would deflect Tina’s anger. He loved her, but he was very wary of her one and only shortcoming – the infamous and explosive Ronconi temper.

‘Then go. The lot of you – but don’t come crying to me when you get killed!’ Blinded by tears as well as darkness, she turned abruptly on her heel and felt for the gap in the wall that marked the step that led to her front door.

‘Tina, please …’

‘Don’t Tina me!’

He put his arm around her shoulders and dragged her back into the shelter of the wall. ‘I would have had to go sooner or later, you know that.’

‘But not now,’ she cried.

‘My going won’t make any difference to us. You know I love you.’

‘No I don’t.’

‘I’m telling you now.’

For the first time she was glad of the darkness. He’d always been far too adept at reading the expressions on her face. ‘How am I supposed to know you love me when you’ve never told me?’

‘I assumed you knew.’

‘Assumed! I thought you were just passing time with me, like that Vera Collins.’

‘It’s always been serious between you and me,’ he broke in indignantly. Vera Collins was a married woman he’d had a brief affair with, an incident he’d long since relegated to ancient history, but unfortunately one Tina never failed to resurrect every time they argued.

‘Ssh!’ Locking her hands around his neck, she stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. He crushed her against him with a fervour that belied the separation to come. Almost as though he could hold on to her by simply clasping her as tight, and for as long as humanly possible. But the embrace, far from reassuring, only served to remind Tina that he would soon be gone.

Summoning all her strength, she thrust him away. ‘When will you have to go?’

‘I’m not sure. Next week, perhaps the week after.’

‘You didn’t think to ask?’

‘The recruiting officer couldn’t tell us. You will wait for me?’

‘You expect me to wait around for years …’

‘It won’t take years.’

‘Don’t tell me you’re one of those fools who believe the war will be over by Christmas?’

‘Not Christmas, but by then we’ll have pushed out over the French border and have Jerry on the run.’

‘That’s not what Papa thinks. He knows someone who travelled through Germany last summer. He told us that the Germans have built up a huge war machine. That their army is already trained, and they have factories working flat out producing arms. What do we have? Gas masks, rationing and sandbags? We’re not going to beat anyone with those.’

‘Whose side is this friend of your father’s on?’

‘Ours, of course.’

‘Italian or Welsh?’

‘The Italians are neutral.’

‘Non-combative,’ William corrected, recalling the stance Mussolini had taken when the Germans and Russians marched into Poland.

‘What’s the matter with you? Tony and Angelo joined up alongside you, didn’t they?’

‘They’re Welsh.’

‘And Italian,’ she countered. ‘We’re both, and proud of it.’

‘There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be. I wasn’t accusing you of anything.’

‘I didn’t say you were,’ she capitulated, ashamed of her touchiness. ‘How many others are going with you?’

‘Glan Richards from next door, Charlie …’

‘Russian Charlie?’ Tina was shocked. William’s boss who had an unpronounceable name had been christened Charlie by a market wag when he’d opened a stall in Pontypridd. He hadn’t been married a year, and she couldn’t see his wife, Alma, being very happy at the thought of losing her husband before they’d even celebrated their first wedding anniversary.

‘He said now he’s married Alma, he’s more Welsh than anything else, and if Wales is fighting a war then so is he.’

‘Against his own kind?’

‘We’re not fighting the Russians.’

‘They marched into Poland like the Germans, didn’t they? I’m surprised that the recruiting office let Charlie join up.’

‘They haven’t yet,’ William answered evasively not wanting to get sidetracked into discussing the hard time Charlie had been given by the senior officer.

‘And your Uncle Evan?’

‘The pit manager’s already warned him that they won’t let him go. Experienced miners are worth their weight in gold now that war’s been declared. You still haven’t answered my question,’ he reminded her, deliberately drawing the conversation back to personal matters.

‘You want me to sit at home and wait for you, while you go to France and have a whale of a time with French girls who don’t know any better than to throw themselves at Welsh boys?’

‘I had hoped we could choose an engagement ring before I go.’

William’s matter-of-fact assumption that she would fit in with his plans kindled a blaze of conflicting emotions Tina could barely understand, let alone control. He’d been around as long as she could remember. He was tall, dark and far too good-looking for her peace of mind, with a wicked sense of humour that drove her to distraction, simply because most of the time she found it impossible to tell whether he was clowning or serious. But loving him hadn’t blinded her to his shortcomings. He had an eye for other women. Vera Collins’s son’s black curly hair and dark eyes was proof enough of that, but fortunately for William, Vera’s husband was either the forgiving or the stupid sort.

It had been hard enough to overlook William’s philandering until now, when they had only been boy and girlfriend – if only he hadn’t been going away – if she could have kept him in Pontypridd where she could watch him – if he hadn’t already had at least one affair: there were simply too many ‘ifs’ in the equation. ‘I don’t want to get engaged to a man who may never come back,’ she answered forcefully.

‘You won’t be, because I will be back.’ He folded his arms around her once more. ‘I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. All you have to do is turn your enormous, dark eyes on me to get anything you want that’s mine to give. And you love me, Tina, almost as much as I love you. We’re made for one another.’ He caressed the back of her neck with his hands, curling the soft tendrils of hair around his fingers. ‘Do you remember the fight I had with Tony when I told him we were going to elope?’

‘As we were six years old at the time I don’t think we’d have got very far.’

‘We would now.’ He slid his hands down to her waist.

‘Then let’s elope, now. Tonight,’ she suggested impulsively. ‘I have some money, we could go to Gretna Green.’

‘And if I get a letter from the army tomorrow?’

‘You won’t be here to receive it.’

‘They’ll come after me and charge me with desertion.’

‘How can they do that, when you haven’t been there to desert?’

‘We’ll get married the minute the war is over.’

‘I could have grey hair by then.’

‘No war can last that long.’

‘It’s not just the war. There’s Mama and Papa. They’ve never liked the idea of you and me. If the war hadn’t broken out Papa would have carried out his threat and sent me to Italy to marry a nice, Catholic, Italian boy.’ She made it sound like a fate worse than death.

‘They accepted your brother Ronnie marrying my cousin Maud, and she’s Baptist and Welsh.’

‘And they got married in an Anglican church and Papa wouldn’t even go to the wedding. Sometimes I think it’s just as well Ronnie carried Maud off to Italy the day after. Papa’s hopelessly old-fashioned, he really does want all of us to marry Italians.’

‘He’s not having much luck in that department, is he?’ William commented, thinking of Tina’s elder sister Laura who was married to one of the local doctors, Trevor Lewis. ‘You’re not going to try and make up for his disappointment in Ronnie and Laura by marrying an Italian, are you?’ he asked anxiously, wondering if there was a café-owning rival for Tina’s hand that he was unaware of.

‘No, but I don’t want to get engaged to someone I might not see for ten years either.’

‘A minute ago you wanted to elope.’

‘A minute ago I wasn’t thinking straight. The least you could have done was tell me you were going to join the Guards before you did.’

‘I might have if I’d thought you’d be reasonable about it,’ he asserted, furious with her for ignoring his offer to buy her an engagement ring.

‘Reasonable –’

‘Why do all Italians have such foul tempers?’

‘You’re the one who’s shouting!’

Temper rising, William lifted his hat from his head and shook the raindrops from it. The only sound in the street was her quick breathing and the quiet patter of rain.

‘Goodnight, Will.’

Turning sharply, he seized her and kissed her the way he’d wanted to all evening. Kissing and holding was as far as he’d ever gone with Tina, although there had been long walks around the deserted paths of Shoni’s pond last summer when he’d burned to do a whole lot more, and would have, if she hadn’t slapped his face.

‘We could get married before you go?’ she faltered when he finally released her. She had a sudden, dreadful, terribly real premonition that he would never come back. That this was all the time they were ever going to have. She loved him, would always love him, and wanted to prove it to him before he left, even if it meant spending the rest of her life a widow.

‘No,’ he answered swiftly.

‘Why not?’

‘Because I love you.’

‘If you really loved me, you’d marry me. It would make everything more permanent, more settled than if we were engaged. We’d have something more than just the end of the war to look forward to.’

He searched his mind for words that would explain his feelings. How he’d been overwhelmed by trying to assume the responsibilities of the man of the house at four years of age. How he’d been forced to stand by and watch his mother struggle, not only to make ends meet and feed and clothe him and his sister, Diana, but also bear the loneliness that had settled like a blight, clouding her life after the arrival of the telegram that had brought the news of his father’s death. He had seen the sadness and wistful yearning in his mother’s smile whenever she had looked at his father’s photograph, watched her sob her heart out on the anniversaries: his father’s birthday – their wedding anniversary – the date of his death – Armistice day … He had slunk into the house more times than he could count with torn trousers and bruised knuckles from fighting boys who had repeated the rumours about his mother and any and every man she stopped to talk to; even – God forbid – his Uncle Evan who’d never had any thought in his head other than practical ones of how to help his brother’s widow and children. He loved Tina far too much to risk putting her through anything like that.

‘How can you love me and not want to marry me?’

Her voice shattered the silence, reminding him that he hadn’t voiced a single thought.

‘I don’t want you left alone.’

‘I’d be just as alone when you leave, whether we marry or not.’

‘But you wouldn’t be left with a wedding ring and possibly a baby. You’d be free to look for another man.’

‘And the thought of me with another man makes you happy?’

‘Of course not, but …’

The door opened behind them and there was a swish of blackout curtains being dragged aside. ‘Tina, you going to be out there all night?’

‘No, Papa.’

‘Time you were in bed, girl.’

‘Evening, Mr Ronconi,’ William called out.

A loud sniff was followed by the door slamming.

‘We’ll talk tomorrow.’ Tina kissed him one last time before turning and feeling her way up the steps.

‘I do love you, I really do,’ he repeated despondently as she closed the door softly behind her.

‘How come Angelo signed up for the Guards with you and Will?’ Diana Powell asked Tony Ronconi as he checked the locks on the back door of the café. ‘I thought they were advertising for men between the ages of twenty and thirty-five?’

‘They are, but they decided to make an exception in Angelo’s case.’

‘Exception! He’s only seventeen. He lied about his age, didn’t he?’

‘Lie is a strong word.’

‘Does your father know?’

‘No, but he will when I get home.’

‘And if he won’t let Angelo go?’

‘Papa’s no fool. He knows Angelo will have to go some time, and better he goes with me and Will to look after him than later by himself.’

‘I’m not sure you two can look after yourselves, let alone Angelo.’

‘We’ll be fine.’ He walked behind the counter and opened the door that led to the kitchen. ‘I’ve locked the back door, Angelo. I’ll lock the front on my way out.’

‘Your turn to sleep here tomorrow,’ Angelo shouted above the clatter of pans.

‘As if I could forget it. Just make sure you’re up by five to serve the early-shift tram crews.’

‘Have I missed yet?’

‘There’s always a first time.’ Tony followed Diana behind the curtain he’d hung in front of the door to comply with blackout regulations. ‘Don’t open the door for a moment,’ he ordered, tussling with the folds of cloth in an attempt to reach her.

‘I have to get home, work tomorrow.’ She slipped through his restraining arms and darted out into the rain.

He closed the door behind him, turning the key in the lock before posting it back through the letterbox. His pulse was pounding, and his hands were damp from more than the rain. Although he would have walked barefoot over hot coals rather than admit it to his brother, or William, or Glan Richards, who assumed from the stories he’d spun of his exploits with women that he was far more experienced than he actually was, he was terrified at the thought of going to war and getting killed without ever having known what it was to sleep with a woman. And as he’d been ‘courting’ William’s sister, Diana, since the summer, she was the obvious choice. Even if she exacted marriage as her price for bestowing the privilege.

The more he considered the idea of marriage, the more attractive it became. Diana was uncommonly, head-turningly pretty, in a brown, curly-haired, dark-eyed way that wasn’t unlike the Italian ideal of beauty. She had a sweet nature and, unlike his sisters, an even temperament. He could quite happily spend the rest of his life with her, especially if it meant being able to sleep with her before he went away.

‘You wouldn’t be able to run away from me if we were married,’ he blurted out suddenly, as he caught up with her under the railway bridge that marked the beginning of the Graig hill.


‘Why not?’ he broke in quickly. ‘We’ve being going out for a while.’ He put his arm around her waist. ‘I’d like to stake a claim in case some other man decides to snap you up while I’m away.’

‘I haven’t even thought about it. I don’t know what to say.’

‘Try yes. We can get a ring, apply for a special licence, and marry before I go, or we could get engaged now and married when I get embarkation leave. The recruiting officer promised us that we’d have a break after our six weeks’ training.’

‘Do you want to marry me, or do you just want a wife before you go away?’ she asked perceptively. It was the most tactful, if obtuse way she could think of phrasing a difficult question.

‘There’s no one else I want to marry. Come on Di, are you going to say yes, or no?’

‘I don’t know,’ she answered hesitantly. ‘I love you Tony, you know that…’ All she could think of was her secret. A corrosive, destructive secret she’d managed to keep hidden from most of the people who mattered, like her mother, Will, and Tony. But her boss, Wyn Rees and Tony’s sister Laura and her doctor husband, Trevor, knew about it. If she married Tony, would Laura tell him?

‘Then that’s settled. We’ll see Father O’Donnelly tomorrow.’

‘Father O’Donnelly? I’m Baptist.’

‘Papa won’t let me marry outside of the Catholic Church. You don’t mind converting, do you?’

‘No, but …’

‘If you take instruction and work hard you should be ready by the time I finish my training.’

Diana’s head was spinning. Tony’s words echoed, alien and incomprehensible through the shrouding darkness. She couldn’t think of anything except her secret. It wouldn’t be fair to keep it from Tony, but once she told him, would he still want her? ‘You’re sleeping in the café tomorrow night?’ She’d spoken in a whisper, but he understood her – perfectly.


‘If I stay with you for a while, will you walk me home afterwards?’

A lump rose in his throat. He hadn’t expected this. Not from a decent girl like Diana. ‘Are you sure you want to stay?’

She clung to his arm. ‘Yes.’

‘Then I’ll tell Papa we’re getting married.’

‘No, please. Not until after tomorrow.’

‘Then we’ll tell everyone the day after tomorrow. We’ll buy the ring then. This isn’t just about… about you staying on at the café,’ he stammered in embarrassment. ‘I want to marry you.’

‘I know, Tony,’ she echoed, hoping and praying he’d still feel the same way about her and marriage – after tomorrow night.

As the radio concert of Tchaikovsky’s sixth symphony drew to a close, Alma Raschenko looked up from her knitting at her husband, who was sitting in an easy chair across the hearth from her.

‘You haven’t told me how it went in the recruiting office.’ By nature, Charlie was a silent uncommunicative man, and it had taken Alma months to become accustomed to his ways, and to understand that the silences between them didn’t necessarily mean that he was unhappy, troubled, angry, or that he loved her any the less. But there was a considerable difference between his silences and the full-blown argument that had flared between them last night when he had told her of his intention to join the Welsh Guards. Feeling betrayed, abandoned and resentful, she hadn’t exchanged a word with him above the absolutely essential since he had returned to the shop with William Powell early that afternoon.

A frown creased his forehead as his white-blond hair fell low over his eyes. ‘It went as I expected it to.’ He folded the newspaper he’d been reading.

‘They signed you up along with the boys?’

‘They signed up the boys. They didn’t want an alien.’

She tensed the muscles in her face, forcing them to remain rigid. They didn’t want him! She suppressed the instinct to fling herself into his arms and cover his face with kisses. That meant he’d stay with her, here in Pontypridd, and continue to run his shop for the duration. Of course the war would make a difference, especially to their profits, but she’d been poor before and survived the experience. Poverty held no terrors for her in comparison to Charlie’s absence.

He left his chair and walked to the window that looked out over Taff Street.

‘The blackout,’ she warned as he laid his hand on the curtain.

‘I forgot.’

Sticking her needles into the wool, she left it on the chair and joined him. ‘Feodor,’ she murmured. He liked to hear the sound of his Russian name, and she was the only one who used it. The rest of Pontypridd, even old friends like Evan Powell and his nephew William who worked for them, called him Charlie, as she had quite deliberately done since their argument last night. ‘Don’t let this alien business upset you. People aren’t boycotting the shop, trade is as good as it ever was. Everyone in the town thinks of you as one of us –’

‘But I’m not one of you,’ he burst in harshly. ‘I am one of the same breed who marched into Poland.’

‘No,’ she countered firmly. ‘You’re my husband. You took on my nationality when you married me. This is your home now.’

‘A home I cannot leave between ten-thirty at night and six in the morning.’ He walked away from the window and went to the fire, kicking down the coals with the heel of his boot.

‘What difference does that make?’ she asked practically. ‘We’re up too early to go out late at night.’

‘Before this, I could have if I’d wanted to,’ he retorted testily. ‘This country gets more like Russia every day.’

‘Only because we’re at war.’ She picked up her knitting and stowed it in the brass slipper box next to her chair. He had told her a little – a very little – of his past in Russia: just enough for her to guess at what he had suffered there. She knew that he had lost everything to the Communist regime. Home, family, wife and unborn child, and her greatest fear since he’d told her of his wife’s existence was that one day he’d go back to try to find her. The remote possibility had loomed a more likely spectre since the outbreak of war. Her geography was shaky, but she knew that Britain was separated from France by the English Channel, and there was no strip of water to divide France from Russia. But when she had tried to confide her fears to Feodor last night, he had laughed and tried to tell her just how great a distance separated France from Russia. She hadn’t wanted to listen. The continent was the continent, and her husband had another wife there, and if that wife was alive she would undoubtedly want him back. Because anyone who had known and lived with Charlie simply couldn’t help loving him.

‘You tried, darling,’ she consoled, trying not to allow her relief to show. ‘If they don’t want you, there’s nothing you can do about it.’

There was an abstracted look in his eyes. ‘They didn’t say they didn’t want me, only that they wanted to interview me again. In Cardiff, on Monday.’

‘But why?’

‘They wouldn’t say.’

‘Is it something to do with Russia invading Poland along with Germany? Could they be secret allies?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Everyone is saying that it’s better for the Poles to be living under the red flag of Communism than under the heel of the jackboot.’

For the first time in two days a glimmer of a smile crossed his face. ‘Who’s been telling you that?’


‘Ah, the Red Miners’ brigade.’ He wrapped a heavily muscled arm around her waist. ‘They ought to be careful what they ask for. If they are ever forced to live under the red flag, they’ll discover the reality of Communism is very different from the ideology.’ He looked down at her. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been angry with you yesterday. But joining the Guards is important to me.’

‘Because you feel the need to be more Welsh than the Welsh?’

‘You understand me so well. I’m sorry I can’t be a better husband.’

‘You’re a perfect husband, which is why I don’t want to lose you.’

‘You won’t.’

‘I might if you join the army.’

‘I have too much to live for to get in the way of any bullets.’

‘Feodor …’

‘Enough talk, let’s go to bed.’ He hooked the guard in front of the fire and opened the door. She glanced around the living room before she switched off the light. She had a great deal to be grateful for. Feodor had spared no expense on the flat above the shop. The living room was comfortable and carpeted, and there was even a tiled bathroom with hot water on tap, fed from the range in the kitchen. Her mother, who was frail and blind, lived with them and Charlie had taken special care with her room, furnishing it with padded, upholstered furniture so she wouldn’t hurt herself even if she did get the odd knock, taking it for granted that his wife’s mother was a part of their small family, never once complaining about her presence or about having to shoulder the responsibility of another mouth to feed.

She was happy, and not only because life was comfortable for her and her mother for the first time in their lives. Charlie’s shop, the flat and their high standard of living were only the trimmings. She could survive without them. But Charlie was the bedrock of her existence, and she would sooner not live at all than without him.

As she lay awake in the blacked-out bedroom, her hand resting on Charlie’s chest, monitoring the quiet, measured beat of his heart, she was struck by a paralysing panic attack. It carried the same spine-chilling dread as the fear of death she’d experienced as a child, when she’d first discovered that she too was mortal and would one day lie in a grave like her father. She simply couldn’t, and didn’t want to, imagine a life where Charlie wouldn’t sleep beside her each and every night.

‘The war won’t last for ever. If they let me go, I’ll be back.’

She recovered enough to tighten her hold on him, but her blood continued to run cold at the thought of the interview on Monday. An interview conducted by men who didn’t know – or care – what Charlie meant to her.

‘I promise you, Alma, no matter what, if they let me go, I’ll be back.’

As he moved towards her, kissed her lips, her hair, her breasts, she tried to immerse herself in the sweet familiarity of his lovemaking and