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    The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists
    The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists
    The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists
    Ebook173 pages1 hour

    The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists

    By Vali Hawkins Mitchell, Ph.D, LMHC, REAT, CEAP

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    About this ebook

    As a manager, you can usually handle disruptive employees. But sometimes, their emotional states foster workplace tension, even making them a danger to others. Your own confidence is at risk. In The Manager’s Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists, noted counselor Dr. Vali Hawkins Mitchell gives you sensible advice for keeping the bully from dominating the workgroup and destroying productivity – and maintaining your own healthy emotional balance at the same time.

    Sometimes the difficult person is an overt physical bully, which makes it easy to simply fire the person. Much of the time, however, the problems are more subtle and build up over periods of time. They undermine your ability to manage your team – and they can spread to the rest of the team, destroying teamwork and productivity. In this short book, Dr. Vali helps you to:

    • Recognize the types of upsetting work situations that bullies exploit to their own advantage, such as change, grief, and violence.
    • Understand why emotional terrorists make it so difficult for you, as a manager, to deal with their behavior. .
    • See the symptomatic tools and techniques of the emotional terrorist, such as harassment, lying to supervisors, tampering with documents, etc. .
    • Conduct training to help other managers and team members recognize and handle the signs of impending emotional conflict – you will love the “Snakes in the Schoolyard” exercise. .
    • Know exactly what to say and not say when you must have a one-on-one interview with someone you consider to be a bully. .
    • Be an effective manager in a world of challenges – protecting and preserving the mental health of your employees and yourself. .

    Dr. Vali uses realistic examples and humor to help you handle the challenges you face – and to show the degree to which she really understands your situation. With her guidance, you will be more comfortable with knowing when you can handle the situation through simply being the good manager, when you need to call in an outside mental health professional, and when you need to call 911.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRothstein Publishing
    Release dateJul 15, 2016
    ISBN9781944480127
    The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace: Coping with Emotional Terrorists
    Author

    Vali Hawkins Mitchell, Ph.D, LMHC, REAT, CEAP

    Vali J. Hawkins Mitchell, Ph.D., LMHC, REAT, holds a Doctorate in Health Education and Masters degrees in Applied Psychology and Expressive Arts Therapy and is a highly regarded public speaker, trainer, author, consultant, and educator. A valued mentor and keynote speaker, she offers critical insights on the real human factors of disaster and emergency planning based on her experiences with major events such as the World Trade Center, Hurricane Katrina, Samoan earthquakes, Indonesian tsunami, and Pacific Northwest Wildfires. She is considered by many as the leading authority in the growing field of Emotional Continuity Management. Academically, Dr. Hawkins Mitchell has been adjunct faculty member and guest lecturer at a number of universities and colleges, including Washington State University, the World Medicine Institute, and Lane Community College. Dr. Vali, as she is well known, has contributed original research in the area of Psychosocial Dynamics of Families with Pediatric Illness, Tools of Trauma Management for Emergency Care and Health Care Delivery Professionals, and the Use of Quantum Poetry for Trauma Management. She has been trained by the American Red Cross as a Disaster Mental Health provider and National Diversity Instructor, and has been consulting directly with military families and service members in all branches since 2009. Dr. Vali travels extensively providing custom-designed trainings for individuals and teams, private and government agencies, mom-and-pop companies, and large corporations. Dr. Vali is the author of The Cost of Emotions in the Workplace: The Bottom Line Value of Emotional Continuity Management (Brookfield, CT: Rothstein Publishing, 2013). She has also written Dr. Vali’s Survival Guide: Tips for the Journey; Preparing a GoBag; and a number of plays, musicals, and children’s titles. She is a performance musician and award- winning artist. She is a Registered Expressive Arts Therapist (REAT). She recently relocated her art studio and professional office from Seattle, Washington to Honolulu, Hawaii.

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      Book preview

      The Manager's Guide to Bullies in the Workplace - Vali Hawkins Mitchell, Ph.D, LMHC, REAT, CEAP

      Preface

      Bullies exist. And managers are the first line of defense. The key here is to truly know the difference between managing and controlling. Managers manage, but some people just cannot be controlled. Managers are in the tough spot of needing to look at the big picture, the entire company's well-being, as well as supporting individuals in the system. It is hard work to be at that cusp of the action, with accountability to upper administration and owners as well as the employees. Managing is definitely not a job for everyone.

      Like musical conductors, if someone is playing off-key, the manager must know the ways to correct the individual before the entire orchestra starts playing to that person’s tune. If the manager manages and the bully doesn't correct, for the sake of the entire company, then the policy or procedural steps ranging from remediation to termination must play out. There is no way around it with bullies, or they can turn on you. Employees either get back in tune quickly after simple interventions or they escalate. If they escalate, you are dealing with something other than a healthy employee and need to up your game accordingly. Generally speaking, bullies do not like to negotiate and might up their game also. So your efforts may become time intensive, costly, and disheartening. Nonetheless, giving a bully an opportunity to change is often the first line of compassionate effort. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Unfortunately, many mangers give and give and give until they are exhausted and the bully wins - the result being a power-play, extensive remediation time lost, consultant fees, or in the worst case scenario, a costly litigation process. Policies need to be clear and clean and followed. Bullies hope for enablers. Career bullies hope you’ll be soft on them so they can accomplish their agenda. They also hope you’ll be too hard on them so they can cry victim. Tricky work.

      No matter what you call them -- disrespectful workers, difficult people, or emotional terrorists -- there are some human beings who absolutely must push others around. The simplest form of bullying -- someone who is passively or covertly negative, or chronically rude -- can have a nasty cumulative toxic impact on individuals, teams, and companies. The aggressive bully, who is verbally or physically overt, can bring a company to its knees by means of dire workplace-related consequences. The extreme bully, the domestically violent person who brings the rage to work, the disgruntled employee who becomes an active shooter, or in the most extreme kind of bully, a hate filled terrorist, are all, unfortunately, part of our new normal, and thus part of management’s responsibility for ample preparation.

      Self-care needs to be an essential part of your daily routine. Resiliency, mindfulness, and an awareness of your own needs are the oxygen mask you put on first before you help others. Managers are like the canary in the mine shaft... part of your job is to note the trouble before it harms others. So in order to do that, you must be on your own game. As I have said many times in articles published, in my resiliency trainings, seminars of mindful managers, and self-care workshops: Take your Own Pulse First, because if you aren’t on your own game. there is no game.

      Take care of yourself, and thank you for all your hard work.

      Dr. Vali 

      Honolulu, Hawaii 

      June 2016

      part1

      Part 1

      Bullies and Emotional Terrorists

      1.1 Emotional Terrorists: ExtremeBullies

      Because emotional terrorism is domestic terrorism that uses human feelings for ammunition, nice people don’t want to think about it. Assuming that you are a nice person, the reason you need to read this chapter is to address and absorb the reality that there are employees who have an agenda to destroy the well-being of others, using emotions as weapons. They are prepared for you, and you need to be prepared for them. They are getting better at what they do, and you need to be better at recognizing them while protecting yourself and others. They hope you don't get this information. They will discredit this topic. They will distract you and encourage you to be nicer. You need to read this chapter because emotional terrorism is real, and it isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

      Emotional Terrorists and Bullies

      If you have ever worked with or for a bully or what I call an emotional terrorist, you already know why you want to read this chapter - for validation. No, you are not crazy; that person you thought was dangerous to your mental health may indeed have been trying to make you go mad. If you have never worked with or for an emotional terrorist and survived, consider yourself lucky. You will want to read this chapter for self-preservation for the long-haul span of your career. If you are an emotional terrorist, you will want to read this chapter to find out if someone is on to you - because someone is! And eventually you will have to move on and find another place to be seriously annoying!!

      Emotional terrorism is an emotional and behavioral phenomenon in the workplace that has eluded or been ignored by business leaders for a long time. This subset of actions and emotions is at first illusive and intangible. Business writers have made attempts to deal with the visible or overt nature of these phenomena by writing about jerks at work, or angry employees, or other references to people at work who are difficult. Managers have read books, gone to countless workshops, talked secretly to each other, consulted psychologists and therapists, and have found themselves unable to wrap their minds around a specific blend of human behavior that seems to go beyond the normal definitions of disruptive employees.

      Why Dealing with Emotional Terrorism is Difficult

      At closer scrutiny there are three reasons why dealing with the phenomenon of emotional terrorism has been so difficult:

      Emotional terrorists do not fall into the range of regular to dysfunctional people and need a separate category;

      Most employees are nice people; and,

      Emotional terrorists count on nice people to struggle with the definition and use that discrepancy to gain emotional territory.

      Staying good, nice, and friendly is what most human beings do. The majority of people do not like to upset other people. Emotional terrorists have a different approach to life. They actually seek and find pleasure in the discomfort of others. As workers, managers, and administrators have been concerned with productivity and not offending anyone, emotional terrorists have crept into workplaces and felt right at home.

      If Steven Spielberg did a scary movie called The Emotional Terrorist in the Workplace, managers could see it on the big screen while eatingpopcorn.

      Such a public validation would create a forum for discussion. It would be out in the open. As it is now, emotional terrorists at the workplace continue to stir up emotional chaos and are getting away with it on a daily basis. It is time to put some light on this and make it less possible for people with an agenda of destruction to have their way.

      1.1.1 Emotional Terrorism

      Emotional terrorism: Domestic terrorism that uses human feelings for ammunition.

      Bully: A person who is habitually overbearing especially to weaker people. Bullying is a form of abuse that attempts to create power over another group or person to create an imbalance of power through social, physical, emotional, verbal coercion or manipulation; an emotional terrorist.

      Emotional terrorism is everywhere. It can be found in homes, churches, synagogues, shopping centers, parent-teachers association meetings, city council meetings, and anywhere that people live, work, and play. Emotional terrorism at work is a significant risk. International and domestic terrorism are now factored into business risk management. Emotional terrorism must also be seen as risk.

      The fact that international or domestic terrorism has emotional roots (someone is very, very upset about something) should immediately translate into the awareness that emotional terrorism is a constituent of these other forms of terrorism. Perhaps one way to discuss emotional terrorism at the workplace is to describe it as big terrorism's little cousin. Nevertheless, the agenda of either big or little terrorism is the same: control through the use of terror. All terrorists have a common agenda: to create fear, chaos, havoc, terror, and destruction in any way possible in order to have some sense of control, make a statement, divert attention, or call attention to something.

      Mean, evil, bad, horrible, icky, intentionally dangerous, unconscionable, criminal, vile, scary, seductive, dangerous people exist. And they work with you. One very simple and horrifyingly daunting statistic may convince you. It is a statistic that is hidden from public view because of its nature and implications: the exact number of registered sex offenders in this country! The reported number, depending on the site, is daunting. One site says 600,000, and another says more, or less, but more than can be even considered without pause. And many are missing and don’t continue to report. This statistic represents only the ones who are registered. What makes you think they do not work with you? Or go to church with you? Or shop at the local market with you? Or sit with you at a PTA meeting? They do. And some of them are reading this book. If this does not get your attention, nothing will.

      Knowing a statistic like this just is not enough. Protection of the vulnerable from the inherent risks of such dreadful behavior demands much, much more attention. Knowing that this statistic is a reality makes it difficult to continue making good management decisions that are based on a belief that people are good and kind. Instincts must

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