Desires by R.J. Van Cleave by R.J. Van Cleave - Read Online



Desires is the fourth and final book in the MacLane Family series. It is the story of Bree and Gavin, and can be read as a standalone. Due to ‘adult content,’ this book is best suited for readers 18 years of age and older.

Bree MacLane loved designing clothes. It was far more rewarding than farming. Through her sister-in-law, Cassie, Bree caught the eye of the famed designer, Ethan Alexander, at the age of seventeen. Cassie had the connections, but Bree’s raw talent paved the way to a life away from Blossom Grove. Los Angeles called, and nothing could keep Bree tied to her tiny hometown. Not even Gavin Baker, or the mistake they made one summer night.  Burying that night allowed her to move on, but losing Gavin hurt her more than she realized.

Gavin Baker lusted over Bree MacLane for longer than he cared to admit. Their five-year age gap prevented him from acting on those feelings – until she turned eighteen and told him she wanted him too. One night with her, and he was ready to make it forever. He had plans to lay down roots with Bree, only what Gavin had to offer wasn't enough for her. Loving Bree from afar became a way of life for him again because living without her wasn’t an option.

Five years after leaving Blossom Grove, a family emergency brings Bree home. Unprepared for a baby mama and an unexpected death she heads into a downward spiral. Forced to face the painful secret from her past, Bree realizes she may have lost the future that she didn’t know she wanted. But the four meddling MacLane wives and a few therapy horses help Gavin prove to Bree they still have a future. They show her that there’s more to Gavin, to herself, and to Blossom Grove, than she ever realized. Sometimes, the desires of your heart steer you away from true happiness, but the right person will lead you back.

Published: R.J. Van Cleave on
ISBN: 9781536583014
List price: $2.99
Availability for Desires: MacLane Family, #4
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Desires - R.J. Van Cleave

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To Shannon Polion and Heather Carver-

You two have consistently held me up

and have supported me more than you will ever know.

To Amy Curtis – I am forever in your debt.

Thank you for getting onboard the crazy train with me. You are my hero!

In Loving Memory of Matthew Funny Matt Williams

July 27, 1967- July 18, 2016

Rest in will be missed.


I am indebted to my cousin, Michael, and his family, for sharing their personal experiences and vast knowledge of Hippotherapy and the PATH International organization. Therapy animals of all shapes and sizes have so much to offer.

And as always, for you, Mom,

It’s been five years since I said my final goodbye.

Cole Swindell nailed exactly how I feel about that in his song; You Should Be Here

You would have been my biggest fan,

although it would have been Baily’s Irish Cream over ice.

You and I never learned to like the taste of beer.

Until we meet again...

A Note from the Author

Bree and Gavin’s book brings me to the end of a four-year writing journey that I began in June of 2012. This novel is the last installment of what I aptly called the MacLane Family series. In ending it, however, I felt the need to go back to why I started. I decided to include the events of my mom’s death, as played out in the life of one of my characters. My mom’s death was what encouraged me to start on this journey, so I figured this was an appropriate way to end it.

During my mom’s brief illness, we kept journals with everything that was going on. Eventually, it became a necessity, due to the number of doctors we had to deal with, the number of procedures she had, and so on. I went back through all of our journals as I was writing the specific scenes. All of what you read is real – it’s what happened to her and us, but it’s not everything. If I had included everything, it would have taken too much away from Bree and Gavin’s story, and I know that my mom would not have wanted that. In my writing this, it was not my intention to cast blame on any facility, or any doctor, so all names have been changed.

My family harbors no ill will towards the hospital where my mom died, or to the staff members who cared for her. Many of them (especially her primary care physician) took her death as a personal failure on their part, and after actually sitting in on one of the doctors’ roundtable meetings, I got the true sense of how difficult it was for them. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I like my puzzle piece analogy much better – they had all the pieces to her puzzle, but they didn’t have the picture. Medicine is not an exact science, but our hope is that if another patient ever presents with similar symptoms, the doctors will remember my mom, and possibly be able to prevent another family from going through what we did.

While this may be the end of one journey, it is also the beginning of another. I’m finally ready to write my first story – the one I told my mom all those years ago. I had the storyline done in my head, but I didn’t have faces, names, or a place in clear focus. Now I do, all thanks to Gavin Baker and his family. Bree and Gavin’s book not only serves as the ending of one series, but it’s also the catalyst for another. Stay tuned for Logan and Kelsey – their story is the story I never wrote...


P.S. Sadly, I sort of, possibly, maybe, have intimate knowledge about the bicycle seat incident.  #truestory


It’s still as important to me now as it was when I wrote Cassie and Jase’s story.

Here are the songs I thought of for Gavin and Bree...


Take Your Time, by Sam Hunt

Eight Second Ride, by Jake Owen

It’s Not Over, by Daughtry

I See You, by Luke Bryan

Forgiveness (El Perdón), by Nicky Jam & Enrique Iglesias

Stay, by Florida Georgia Line

I Don’t Dance, by Lee Bryce

Who I Am With You, by Chris Young



Stitches, by Shawn Mendez

Wide Awake, by Katy Perry

Same Old Love, by Selena Gomez

Behind These Hazel Eyes, by Kelly Clarkson

One Hell Of An Amen, Brantley Gilbert

Why Ya Wanna, By Jana Kramer

Rather Be, by Clean Bandit, feat. Jess Glynne

You Should Be Here, Cole Swindell

Follow the playlist on Spotify here

Table of Contents


A Note from the Author


Table of Contents


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19


About the Author


Stop fighting me, Gavin. I want this too, Bree sighed. "I want you, okay? You blew me off after we first kissed, and then turned around and told me we needed to hook up. Just a few hours ago, you convinced me that you really were a good guy, and now you’re pushing me away, telling me you’re not right for me. Make up your frigging mind, Baker!"

You’re still a kid, Bree. You’re jailbait, for God’s sake, Gavin argued, hoping that would deter her. "You even tried to get both Jase and Cassie to shoot me after I merely suggested we hook up, remember? Plus, you’re a good little Catholic girl, so no sex for you."

God and I aren’t on speaking terms right now. Plus, I’m eighteen and a high school graduate now, Einstein, so I’m no longer jail bait. Ha! she replied then stuck out her tongue at him. Okay, so probably not the best way to prove you’re an adult, she told herself.

Gavin stared at her tongue and then watched as it disappeared slowly. Bree bit her bottom lip as she pulled her tongue back in and watched as the hunger exploded in Gavin’s eyes. Oh, the things I want you to do to me with your tongue, and those lips, he whispered, as his resolve crumbled.

Bree watched as it happened, and she wasted no time in straddling his lap, while she began unbuttoning his fly. She said a quiet ‘hallelujah’ that Gavin wore his button fly 501s tonight. All too quickly, she had him freed from his briefs, and as she touched him, she felt that tingling feeling of arousal begin. She reached into the breast pocket of her denim jacket and pulled out the condom she’d stashed there earlier. She slid the jacket off her shoulders and the spaghetti straps on her dress followed. She let the jacket hit the floorboards and in one smooth move, she pulled her arms free from the dress straps. The bodice dropped to her waist and Bree held her breath.

Gavin sat there in shock, staring at Bree’s pert, bare breasts. Little Bree MacLane was all grown up...and fucking beautiful. Her wild, light chestnut hair had lightened even more as she’d gotten older and it now hung down to cover her shoulders. Her soft pink lips parted as she gasped at his intense scrutiny of her and then smiled at his reaction. Needing to keep the upper hand, she asked, Like what you see? He nodded as he watched her rip the condom packet open with her teeth.

She carefully removed it, expertly rolled it onto him, and in one swift moved, she took all of him inside her body. He stilled as it registered that A, she knew what the hell she was doing, but B, she was supposed to be a virgin. Stop, he ordered and lifted her up off of him. She moaned at the oh, so wonderful feeling of him pulling out but then scowled once he was gone.

Why the hell did you stop me? she asked angrily. Did I do something wrong?

"No, Bree, you did everything right. A little too right, actually," he said.

Gavin Baker, what in the hell is the matter with you? she exclaimed. Bree was damned if she’d let him push her around one-second longer.

"You’re supposedly a virgin, Bree, but your moves say otherwise."

Squeezing her eyes tight, Bree took a deep breath to prevent herself from pummeling him, and she bit out, "Exactly what moves, pray tell, are you talking about?"

First off, the condom, he snapped. "You put it on right – the first time. No fumbling or anything. And then there’s you."

Bree looked at him as if he’d grown an extra head and sprouted a few horns. She asked sharply, "And what about me?"

There was no barrier, Bree, at least not one that I could feel. And you didn’t seem to mind. You just slid right on down me and moaned, like you’ve done this all before, he said through clenched teeth.

"You are such a frigging moron, Gavin Baker! And you’re a hypocrite too because I know without a doubt that you’re not a virgin!" Bree screamed as she hit the back of the truck seat – hard. She could not believe he pulled out of her to have this conversation. "First off, you ass, we were taught how to put a condom on a fucking banana, in fucking health class, by fucking old Mrs. Carver. Yeah, that wasn’t awkward at all! First, you rrremove, the con-dom from the package and squeezing the tippp, you rrroll it down the ba-non-na like so..." she said in a fake, high pitched, British accent.

Gavin was a bit shocked to hear Bree’s use of the f-word but was relieved to hear her explanation for the condom part. He’d forgotten all about old Mrs. Carver and that damn, dreaded health class. "She’s still alive? Egad," he replied in a fake British accent.

Don’t you dare poke fun at me like that, Gavin! she blurted out in frustration. I’m not done yelling at you yet!

Please then, by all means, continue, he urged.

As for that so-called barrier, you ass, it’s called a hymen, in anatomical terms anyway. Yes, we girls have it and yes, for some it hurts like hell when it breaks, but sex isn’t the only way that happens!

"You’ve totally lost me, Bree MacLane, he sighed. What in the hell are you talking about?"

Bicycle seats! she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

Bicycle seats? he repeated, rolling the words around in his brain trying to put two and two together - but he kept coming up with zero. "And what do bicycle seats and hymens have in common?" He grinned to himself when he caught her blush at his use of the correct anatomical term.

"Eight grade, spring break. It was really hot that year, and I was riding home from Macy Jenkins’ house after another day of swimming. I was following Justin, who was pissed off because Macy kissed another boy instead of him, and he was riding really fast in an attempt to lose me. I had to pedal like crazy to keep up, so I stood up, hoping I could gain some speed pedaling that way, but my sandal slipped off the pedal. I came down hard on the narrow tip of the seat - like really really hard." She winced at the memory.

Uhhhh, Gavin said with a frown. Huh?

"Oh, for the love of God, you stupid man! I impaled my vagina...on the bike seat! Bree explained, her voice growing louder as she blushed bright red. Gavin noticed the flush spread from her cheeks, down her chest to the tops of her breasts, but Bree didn’t notice him watching her. When I got home, there was blood in my bathing suit, and I foolishly thought I’d started my period. At that age, and living the sheltered life I did, I hadn’t yet hit full-blown puberty and had no idea what had just happened. It wasn’t until Mrs. Carver’s sex ed class that I finally put it all together. So, she blew out a breath, if you feel the need to go all alpha-male-ape-shit crazy on the taker of my virginity, the offending bicycle is still in my parents’ garage. Feel free to kick its ass."

Well, now. Why didn’t you just tell me all that in the first place? Gavin smiled wickedly. Bree was his. No one had touched her like this before. Suddenly all the other young women before her became faceless, nameless bodies that meant nothing to him. No one mattered but her, and while that scared the living hell out of him, it also excited the hell out of him too. Maybe they did have a future together? A farmer and his fashion designer.

When Bree opened her mouth to read Gavin the riot act, he cupped her jaw and pulled her mouth to his. She grabbed on to the back of the bench seat to steady herself, and Gavin used her forward movement to his advantage. The next thing Bree knew, Gavin was inside of her, filling her completely once again.

Bree’s need for Gavin hit hard, and instinct kicked in. She used her legs to move her body in a way she’d never moved it before and it felt better than she imagined it would. Each time she came down on him, Gavin pushed up into her. Part of him hit a spot in her that had her seeing stars, and when she felt as if she was standing on the edge of an abyss and ready to fall, she looked down at Gavin’s face...and fell.

He had to taste her lips again, so he kissed her hard, and then growled while looking into her eyes, That’s it, baby. Now! He held her hips tight – tight enough to leave bruises, and surged into her a few more times. She threw her head back and screamed out as a pleasure she’d never experienced hit her like a freight train.

A few more surges while watching Bree climax had Gavin following along behind her. Bree collapsed onto him and dropped her forehead to his shoulder while she tried to slow her breathing. They were panting hard, as if they’d just sprinted to the finish line. Bree grinned as she thought, in a way, we just did.  She let out a small sigh and nuzzled into Gavin’s neck. Then she accidentally whispered out loud, I love you, Gavin Baker.

Gavin stilled and he prayed like hell that he’d heard Bree say what he thought she said. She loves me? He held his breath as he felt Bree smile into his neck. For five years, he’d slowly fallen in love with her as she grew from a shy, gawky teenager into a beautiful young woman. The fact that he was five years older than she had made it wrong for him to see her as anything other than the MacLane brothers’ little sister. He’d tried his best not to act on his feelings. Obviously tonight, he failed. 

That’s right, I said I loved you, Bree repeated when she felt Gavin tense up. But you don’t have to say it back to me just because I said it...and especially if you don’t mean it. Right as he was about to shout it out as loud as he could and drag her to the bed of the truck so he could make love to her properly, Bree added, Too bad the timing’s all wrong for us. I leave for design school in Los Angeles next week. I’m finally getting the chance to go after my dream and eventually live the life I’ve always wanted. I do love you, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to settle for what this town has to offer.

Gavin felt as if the ground just opened up and swallowed him whole. Her dream...wasn’t him. It wasn’t life here in Podunk, little Blossom Grove with its farms and horses, and goats...and him. No, her dream was Los Angles. A big city that had mansions and flashy cars and yappy dogs that got carried around in fucking purses. And it didn’t include him.

We need to go, he bit out, feeling as if his beating heart had just been ripped from his chest. People will be wondering where we went.

I think they have a pretty good idea, Gav, Bree smiled seductively.

She yelped when he abruptly lifted her up and off of him, and practically tossed her onto the bench seat. Get dressed. We need to head back to the party. Because I need a fucking drink – or ten.

Jeez, sex makes you grumpy, she giggled, still not believing that she just lost her virginity - for real - to Gavin Baker! Swoon.

Yeah, sex is all it was Bree. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it was anything more than that. You were just one more notch for me, so thanks. Gavin lied, as he removed the condom. Too bad he was too busy trying not to fall apart to notice the small tear.

Neither did Bree. She was too stunned at the one hundred and eighty degree turn, and the backhanded slap to the face Gavin just given her. Yeah, sure. Whatever. Bree bit down so hard on her lip that she got the familiar metallic taste in her mouth. Better a bloody lip than breaking down and sobbing hysterically in front of the asshole, Gavin Baker.

She fixed her dress as fast as she could, pulled her underwear out of her jacket pocket and slipped them on. She was ready to get the hell out of Gavin’s truck and away from him and this damn town as fast as she possibly could. This was by far, the shittiest night of her young life. Moving to L.A. couldn’t happen fast enough


Two months later

Marlene, what’s going on? Bree cried out in pain as she bent in half, gripping her abdomen. Dinner with her mentor and his wife certainly wasn’t supposed to end like this. It felt as if she were being burned from the inside out. Searing pain was shooting across her abdomen and it wouldn’t let up.

The ambulance just pulled in, Ethan, yelled from the first floor. Just hold on a few more minutes!

"Bree, sweetie, I have a feeling it’s the baby. I think you’re having a miscarriage. Should...should I call your mom? Or maybe someone else?" Marlene asked softly as she held Bree’s hand.

The baby? Noooooo! Oh God, please, please, please, not my baby!

Don’t call my mom! I’m a legal adult, and no one besides you and Ethan knows. I didn’t even tell Gav... Bree’s sentence was cut short when she screamed out in agony and then felt some wetness in her underwear. Ahhhhhrgh... it huuuurts! I fucking hate Gavin!

Chapter 1

Bree MacLane, you’re going to be late for your belated twenty-first birthday! Get your ass in gear young lady! cried Bree’s boss, and friend, Ethan Alexander.

Don’t get your silk boxers in a twist, you old fart! Bree called playfully from the other room. "One, I turned twenty-one two years ago, so we’re way past belated, and two, you cannot rush perfection, if I may quote the world’s top fashion designer – you."

Ethan and his second wife, Marlene, had taken Bree under their wings when she was only seventeen. Ethan’s ex-wife, Cassie, who happened to be Bree’s sister-in-law, had emailed a few of Bree’s sketches off to Ethan. While Cassie MacLane was not involved in the design world, she obviously had an impeccable eye for talent.

Before Bree even graduated from high school, the couple had told her about a Los Angeles area design school that wanted her as a student. Marlene and Ethan hoped that Bree would design under the Ethan Alexander name, once she graduated from the design school. It had only taken Bree a nano-second to agree to it all, even against her father’s reservations.

Ethan, darling, Marlene called with a smile, as she danced with their five-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Heather. The girls ran their favorite Aunty Bree ragged today. Give the poor girl a break! Identical twins, Heather and Audrey, kept their parents busy and their favorite honorary aunt even busier.

Yeah, give the poor girl a break, Bree mimicked as she whooshed into the sitting room where Ethan sat, playing a card game with Audrey.

Wow, Bree, you look...stunning, Ethan said, almost at a loss for words.

What? This old thing? Pffft. I found it in the back of my closet, Bree replied, knowing it that was far from the truth.

Yeah, right, Ethan chuckled, And I supposed Marlene’s dress was sitting right there with yours too?

Mmm-hmmm. Maaaybe, Bree said as she lifted one shoulder.

Bullpucky, Ethan laughed. You’ve been working non-stop since you started working full-time for me three years ago. I’ve seen you sleeping on the couch in your studio too many times, young lady. That’s not good for you, believe me, I know. Someone should really read your boss the riot act for over-working you.

Marlene and Bree both laughed at the same time. Yes, well, he can be a horrible slave-driver at times, Bree said.

Hey! Ethan pouted, "I am not that bad! You’re the one who decided two years ago that you were too busy to go out on your real twenty-first birthday. I had to call Marlene in this time to force you to go out on your birthday."

Oh, darling, she’s only yanking your chain, Marlene said as she gently patted Ethan’s head. Bree is quite aware at how good of a boss you are to her. G told you he’d kick your ass if you worked her too much.

Oh, please, Bree groaned, Do NOT say his name!

I didn’t, sweetie, I only said a letter, Marlene pointed out.

Same difference to me, she said. Oh God! Pleeeease don’t tell me you invited him tonight?

Invitation or not, he’ll probably show – you know that, Bree. He’s been worried about you since, well, since...

"Since I lost the baby and pretty much shot my chances of ever having another child in the ass. Yes, I am quite aware of that little factoid, Ethan, was Bree’s reply. But I’m a big girl, and I don’t need anyone hovering over me – least of all him!"

Both Ethan and Marlene knew how quickly Bree would make a name for herself in the fashion industry. But they both also knew how much Bree had wanted that baby. Yes, she’d been shocked to find out that her one and only time having sex resulted in her getting pregnant, but Bree was a smart, level-headed young woman. She accepted the results of her actions and immediately started planning for her future – even looking into online courses. Ethan saw that Bree was wise beyond her years, but after the miscarriage, she became too mature for her age. Having fun was not in Bree’s vocabulary anymore.

"Oh, Bree! The doctors didn’t say it wouldn’t happen, just that with only one fallopian tube now, it might not happen as easily," Marlene said softly.

Potato, po-tat-o, Bree retorted. It’s all the same. My ectopic pregnancy was just the icing on the cake for me, Marlene. Gavin had already told me he didn’t want me, so a baby would have only made things that much worse. It was a blessing in disguise. You know that as much as I do. I’ve been able to focus on my career and that’s what matters most. If only I could really make myself believe that.

Sweetie, that’s not how I saw it, Marlene said softly. I saw a man who was crushed to see you lying in the hospital bed, knowing that he’d helped put you there. And then he had to accept the fact that he’d lost a child too.

"Why did you call him? Bree snapped. I asked you not to!"

"No, Bree, you asked us not to call your mom, Ethan reminded her. We abided by that, but it was Gavin’s baby too, and he had a right to know."

Says you, Bree argued.

Aw, sweetie, you know deep down that it was the right thing to do, Marlene insisted gently, as she touched Bree’s shoulder.

Bree sighed, Yeah...I do now, I suppose. But five years ago? Not so much. My only reward was that I finally got to tell Gavin Baker off. She smiled forlornly as she remembered how it felt to tell Gavin she was so much more than just another notch in his belt. Before he could even respond, she told him it was kismet that she’d lost the baby, even if she didn’t believe it. She knew that would hurt him the most.

"Obviously, the universe knows