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Dear Esteemed Customer Letters, Volume One

225 pages3 hours


This is a book of deliberate lies. The letters alleged by the title to be from various companies, businesses, professionals, or government agencies are fakes, each and every one. They include responses, alerts, or announcements from many sources to single persons or whole populations.

They are exaggerations in several modes even if some might seem close to what you have been assailed or assuaged with by actual entities. They are intended to evoke laughs even as they might make you pay closer attention to the wording in routine communications.

None is intended to be a veiled reference to any actual company, business, professional, or government agency or communication. Enjoy them if you have the stomach for bureaucratic prattle, overtly snide put-downs, and general silliness but don’t look for or strain to find hidden meanings in them.

A phone company’s new lottery system might double or halve your month’s bill.

A utility company offers extra high-power electricity at a special price.

The police respond to claims of a Leprechaun harmed in the town park.

Hyper Hal’s Autos wants to get into the Guinness Book of Records.

The mayor reacts to the man who chopped up a city park bench.

A pharmacist answers whether someone could be slipping you ugly pills.

A pet supply company explains a rumor of a dead whale in their warehouse.

A daily newspaper unable to deliver it for a week is charging subscribers anyway.

A local TV station will tape fake robberies to have good video for reports.

A movie theater responses to a demand for a refund two weeks after the visit;

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