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The Kill Keppler Club: My Funny Vampire

Ratings:
18 pages16 minutes

Summary

Percy is a withdrawn, untalented vampire who hates his talented neighbour, Keppler, a wealthy advisor to the king. His perceptions of reality are tainted by his jealousy, and his cravings for raw meat, which he has abandoned at the urging of his therapist, Max. But Percy has made a grave error, and now the Kill Keppler Club is insisting he rectify it by...killing his nemesis. Don't be swayed by Percy's dubious self-justification. He is just as greedy and weak as the rest of us.

Here's what's going on inside Percy's somewhat sex-addled brain:

"Despite his outstanding reputation for observing heavenly bodies, Keppler is basically a cretin. He’s been living in the same hovel for centuries and finally, after inventing planetary motion—along with the accursed pie chart in order to explain the whole thing—he decides on alchemy as a profession. I mean really! “It’s fairly easy to turn lead into gold,” he tells me smugly every time I see him. Once he became Imperial Arsehole to the King, he became truly insufferable.

I’m not the only one who hates the guy. The Kill Keppler Club breakfast meetings were a hotbed of assassination ideas. The only drawback was that getting caught killing the king’s golden goose could mean a long, nasty course of torture ending in an ugly death. Even we vampires wouldn’t be immune to that sort of onslaught. And of course, I was chief whipping boy at virtually every meeting, having created the problem in the first place by not killing him outright. I’d had to endure the taunts for decades."

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