(1983-1984)
Chapter 1 – June 1983
Martin?
Jessie Baxter dropped her overstuffed backpack at the front door. She kicked off her leather sandals and danced halfway up the stairs to the second floor. Are you home? This former junior is now a senior and ready to celebrate!
She cocked her head and listened to the quiet house. Frowning, she backed down the stairs to check the kitchen. "Martin? I couldn’t wait for school to end. I think I have senioritis already. Is that possible?"
A dirty plate and glass sat in the sink, along with a dried out sandwich. After loading the dishes into the dishwasher, she grabbed an apple from the refrigerator and headed upstairs.
Sarah and I are going to the beach. Do you want to come?
She knocked on her brother’s bedroom door. I’m coming in. You’d better not be doing anything weird.
The curtains were pulled against the June sun, leaving the room dark and gloomy, and Martin lay curled in a ball on his bed.
Are you sick?
Jessie padded across the room until her bare feet came down on several hard pebbles scattered by his bedside. She stopped and rubbed a foot along her shin. What the heck, Bro, don’t you ever clean your room? Mom is going to have a fit if she sees crap on your floor.
I’m sorry.
His voice sounded thick as if he had been sleeping.
No one will ever want to live with you if you’re a slob,
she said in her best imitation of their mother. When her brother didn’t laugh, she laid a hand on his forehead and frowned at the heat radiating from his skin. What’s wrong?
I’m just tired of—
A large shudder cut off the rest.
The first seeds of dread took root in her stomach. I’m calling Mom.
She reached for the phone on the nightstand and in her haste knocked over an empty medicine bottle. The bottle bounced once on the wood floor and then spun in a half circle. Jessie picked up one of the pebbles
that had offended her foot. Dread sprouted and worked its way from her stomach into her chest. Her lungs slowed as realization seeped down from her brain. The apple in her hand dropped to the floor and rolled under the desk chair. Then, everything stopped—her breath, her blood, her brain—and fear took over her body.
What did you do, Martin?
she whispered. How much did you take?
She grabbed the phone and punched in 9-1-1. Shit, how could you? How could you do this to me?
911, what is your emergency?
a no-nonsense voice said into her ear.
I need an ambulance for my brother. I think he took some pills.
What is your address, ma’am?
330 Bell Avenue.
Is your brother breathing?
Yes.
Is he conscious?
Barely. I think he’s in a lot of pain. He’s holding his stomach.
Do you know what kind of pills he took and how many?
Jessie grabbed the bottle from the floor and held it up to the hall light. Aspirin. I don’t know how many, but the bottle is empty and it’s a big bottle. Can you hurry, please?
The EMTs are on their way, ma’am.
She hung up the phone and wrapped her arms around her waist. Rocking back and forth, she mumbled, Think. Think. Think.
Her brother moaned. Let me be.
No.
She grabbed the wastebasket from under the desk. You’re going to make yourself throw up.
Martin pressed his face into the pillow.
You don’t have a choice.
She pulled him into a sitting position and rested the wastebasket in his lap. Stick your finger down your throat now or I’ll do it for you.
His hand swatted the air between them, and his body listed to the left with the effort. Go away.
Fine. We’ll do it my way.
She gathered his shoulder-length brown hair in one hand and stuck her finger in his mouth. Don’t you dare bite me.
He had dry heaved several times before two EMTs appeared in the bedroom doorway. One of the men eased Jessie out of the way and began taking her brother’s vital signs. She slid to the floor and hugged her knees. As they peppered her with questions she didn’t know the answers to, a feeling of helplessness overtook her.
After strapping Martin on a gurney, the younger EMT asked, Do you want to ride with us to the hospital?
She wiped at her tears with the back of her hand and nodded. But I haven’t called my mom yet.
You can do it at the hospital. They need to pump his stomach as soon as possible.
She nodded again and followed them out of the house. In the ambulance, she covered her ears to muffle the wailing sirens. The EMTs continued to poke and prod at Martin, but it wasn’t enough to keep her panic at bay. They needed to save him right now—because she couldn’t live without her big brother. She just couldn’t.
*****
Jessie’s nose wrinkled at the antiseptic smell of the stark, white room. She hated hospitals. While others came with the hope of being healed, the doctors hadn’t been able to cure either one of her grandparents, and now she was supposed to trust them with her brother. Not even the bright sunlight streaming through the institutional blinds could burn away her distress.
Mom?
She placed a hand on her mother’s shoulder. You need to get something to eat. I’ll sit with him.
Her mom looked up with a blank face as if Jessie had spoken a foreign language.
It’s OK. You can leave for a few minutes.
Jessie’s lips wavered between a smile and a grimace.
Since arriving at the hospital yesterday, her mother seemed to have aged twenty years. She had refused to go home at the end of visiting hours and had slept in a chair instead. Deep circles shadowed her eyes and fresh worry lines etched her face. If her mother didn’t start taking care of herself, Jessie would have two family members in the hospital.
Her mother nodded and, with bowed shoulders, shuffled from the room.
Jessie took her mother’s place beside the bed and sighed. She was only seventeen. She didn’t know what to do next, but crying seemed like a good idea.
One of Martin’s eyes opened and scanned the room.
Is she gone?
he asked.
How long have you been awake?
Not long. I’m not ready to face her yet.
Well, you scared her half to death. She still doesn’t believe you’re going to be fine, no matter what the doctors say.
Jessie leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. Exhaustion weighed down her eyelids, but she refused to close them. Why, Martin?
Why what?
She let out an angry huff and glared at her brother. Why did you do it?
He shrugged and shifted his gaze from her face to the window.
That’s not good enough. Do you hate us that much? Why would you want to die?
His fingers clenched into fists at his sides. I don’t expect you to understand.
She took his hand and pried open his fingers until she could lace her own through his. Make me.
He pushed himself back into the pillows and closed his eyes. When he opened them, they shined with unshed tears. I ruined our family. Nobody loves me. My life is going nowhere. I hate myself—should I go on?
He rattled off his despair as if it was a grocery list. Once she recovered from the shock of his words, she picked up the first item. How did you ruin our family?
Mom and Dad got a divorce because of me.
What?
I heard them arguing one night. He said I was the way I was because she babied me my whole life. He wanted to send me to some military school so I’d start acting like a man. She said no. A few days later, he moved out.
Mom and Dad argued all the time. I heard her tell Auntie Rose he couldn’t keep it in his pants. He didn’t leave because of you.
He shook his head. I was part of the reason.
How can you say nobody loves you? Mom and I love you.
You don’t count.
Thanks. That hurts.
You know what I mean. This town is too backward. I’m never going to find a boyfriend here.
So, you’re going to give up? Kill yourself?
Martin groaned and rubbed his throat. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hope having your stomach pumped and swallowing that tasty charcoal treatment will make you think twice next time.
God, you’re such a witch.
And you’re a dick. I want you to promise me you’ll never do this again.
His eyes flicked back to the window. I promise.
Say it like you mean it.
For a moment, Martin studied the wires connecting him to the machines that tracked his vital signs. When he spoke, he didn’t repeat his promise. Instead, he said in a gentle voice, When I get out of here, I’m leaving Newport Falls.
She dropped his hand and fell back into the chair. Why?
I can’t breathe here. I need a bigger city. Somewhere I can find people like me. Somewhere I can walk down the street and not have . . .
When he didn’t continue, Jessie prompted him. Not have what?
He brushed at a tear on his cheek with the heel of his hand. Not have someone yell ‘fag’ at me.
She tucked her legs under her chin and hugged them. Only a terrible, self-centered sister wouldn’t notice her own brother’s misery, and now her punishment would be losing him. Fear crept back into her stomach and up her throat. She swallowed to force it down. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot.
It won’t be right away. I’ll need to save up some money.
Maybe you could go to college. You’re too smart to be a waiter the rest of your life.
Now you sound like Mom.
She arched her brows at him, imitating their mother’s signature look. Think about it, please?
Sure. Anything for you, Princess Jessie.
Dick.
Witch.
Move over.
Jessie snuggled under his arm and rested her head on his chest, as she used to when they watched Saturday morning cartoons as kids. I’m sorry.
For what, Squirt?
I should have noticed how unhappy you are.
He kissed the top of her head and sighed. I’m pretty good at hiding my true self. I’ve had to be to survive in this town. That’s why I have to leave. I can’t do it any longer.
She gave in to her exhaustion and closed her eyes. I know. It sucks, though.
You can always visit me.
Yeah, I guess, but it won’t be the same.
Don’t worry about it now. Before I can do anything, I have to get out of this place.
How long do they want to keep you?
I heard someone say at least a week.
Jessie found one of the few nails left on her hand that wasn’t bitten to the quick. Her teeth made clipping noises as she nipped away at the white crescent on her thumb. A week didn’t seem long enough to cure someone who had tried to kill himself. Do you think they can help you feel better about—everything?
Martin’s chest rose and fell as he let out a long breath. Maybe.
His tone confirmed he didn’t believe it was possible either, but she let it go. For today, it was enough he was alive. Maybe tomorrow he would want to live.
Chapter 2 – July 1983
Jessie dug her red, white, and blue toenails into the sand and forced herself to breathe. The boy she had loved for the past three years was so close she smelled his shower soap. Above them, the Fourth of July fireworks rained sizzling streaks of red, green, gold, and blue into Lake Michigan. She couldn’t believe it was finally happening. Lee Archer liked her. Correction. He liked her as more than a friend.
Lee shifted against the log that they leaned against, and his shoulder brushed against hers. When he gave her a lopsided smile, she gripped the edges of her frayed shorts to keep from grabbing his dark curls and planting a kiss on his soft lips—at least she imagined they’d be soft. She didn’t have much experience in that department.
The day had started with Jessie meeting her friends at the lakefront. They listened to a band for a while before heading to the sand volleyball courts. It was boys against girls in a match full of exaggerated arguments and good-natured insults.
Across the net, Lee’s shirtless chest snagged Jessie’s eyes whenever she looked in his direction. She tried to focus, but every time he spiked the ball and his stomach muscles rippled, her blood abandoned her head for more intimate parts of her body. At one point, she wondered if she had heat stroke because she caught Lee’s eyes on her.
After her third dropped ball, her teammates told her to either get it together or get off the court. She couldn’t blame them. She was useless.
Now, here they were side by side at the fire pit, and she still couldn’t believe it. She didn’t know what had changed, but she wasn’t going to question whichever star had granted her wish.
Lee’s head dropped back to better take in the night sky. I like the really big ones the best.
Jessie forced herself to look away from his profile to watch the finale. Color upon color assaulted her eyes as the exploding fireworks mimicked the sounds of war. The last one shot into the night sky and a cloud of smoke drifted over the water.
That was pretty cool. Did you like it?
he asked.
It was great.
She winced at how lame she sounded, but Lee’s presence lowered her IQ. Her brain clicked and whirled, and then spit out grade school vocabulary—if she was lucky. A few times over the years, after a simple question from Lee, her mouth had spouted pure gibberish followed by her cheeks turning the hue of a stop sign. She was thankful for the darkness to cover up tonight’s award-winning display of awkwardness.
Lee picked up a stick and tossed it at the fire. The driftwood snapped and hissed before settling into a burning glow. What time do you have to be home?
Midnight. You?
It was getting easier to talk as long as she kept her answers short.
One.
He took a swig of beer. Maybe you should break curfew.
Her heart popped into her throat, and she swallowed it back into place. It would be worth it.
Do you want another beer?
He looked around for the cooler.
She couldn’t let him leave her side. No, thanks, I’m driving.
He nodded, and then turned to face her. Goosebumps broke out across Jessie’s skin. One eyebrow rose above his fire-lit green eyes. Do you want to—
She’d never know what Lee was going to ask thanks to his ex-girlfriend. Tina Asta materialized out of the darkness in front of them. She stood stone-faced in a red string bikini and white denim shorts. Blue flip-flops dangled from the fingers of one hand. Despite running around in the eighty degree weather all day, there wasn’t one piece of her jet black spiked hair out of place. A streak of pink through her bangs gave her a preppy punker look.
Whether it was on purpose or not, Tina always made Jessie feel like a Neanderthal. Tina was petite and stylish, while Jessie was tall with few fashionable items to dress her bigger body. Then there were Jessie’s auburn curls that spent more time looking like a frizzy bush in need of trimming than actual hair.
Don’t you two look cozy.
Though Tina’s words included Jessie, her eyes never left Lee’s face.
Jessie’s mouth went dry. She could use that beer now.
Tina crooked her finger in a come here
gesture.
Lee set his beer down and gave Jessie a quick smile. I’ll be right back.
While she waited for him to return, the fire burned down to ash and glowing embers.
Her best friend, Sarah Griffin, plopped down beside her. What’s up?
Jessie blinked back tears. Nothing.
Why are you sitting here by yourself?
I’m waiting for Lee to come back.
She wiped her eyes with the palm of her hand. He had to talk to Tina.
Sarah snorted and shook her dark blond mane. I saw them out on the jetty. They weren’t talking.
I hate my life,
Jessie said with a groan. She buried her head in her arms. Why? Why did she do that? She doesn’t care about him.
Because that’s what bitches do. She doesn’t want anyone else to have him.
Jessie looked up at the stars and made her nightly wish to have Lee love her. It was a stupid thing to do considering the events of the past hour, but she wasn’t going to break her streak and tempt fate.
She blew out a long sigh. I’ve got to get out of here. I’ll scratch her eyes out if I see them together.
Sarah stood and held out her hand. Come on. I know how to fix a broken heart. Ice cream’s on me.
Despite the horrible ending to what she thought was going to be a magical night, Jessie smiled. She could always count on her best friend.
******
Jessie, phone!
Her mom’s voice floated up the stairs to her bedroom.
I got it, Mom. You can hang up.
She waited to hear the click before she said hello.
It’s Tina,
the voice on the other end replied. We need to talk.
Jessie wrapped the phone cord around her fingers until they hurt from the loss of blood. I don’t have anything to say to you.
It didn’t matter. Tina kept talking. I know you got a thing for Lee, but last night we planned our wedding.
Jessie stared at her bookshelves until her collection of stuffed teddy bears blurred to furry blobs of brown, black, and gray. You know you’re only seventeen, right?
Several silent seconds ticked by before Tina said in a superior voice, I’m not stupid. Of course, we’ll wait until he’s out of college and making some real money.
Jessie sank onto her bed and thumped her head against the wall. Tina didn’t love him—not like Jessie did. Why couldn’t he see that? I don’t want to talk about this.
I thought it only fair to tell you.
Because we’re such good friends?
I’m sorry it hurts you, but I can’t change who he loves.
Tina’s fake sympathy was too bitter to swallow. You know what hurts me? Seeing how you treat him. Cut him loose, Tina. You know you don’t love him.
Yes, I do,
she said, sounding like a stubborn three year old.
Oh? What about Brian? What about Joey? Do you love them, too? Does Lee know you cheated on him?
That’s none of your business.
You are unbelievable.
Listen, I thought I’d tell you we’re back together so you won’t walk around school in September with those puppy dog eyes making a fool of yourself.
Yeah, well chances are you two won’t last until September, so no worries here.
She slammed down the phone and let out a frustrated scream. Her only hope was that Karma existed.
Jessie, what’s going on up there?
Her mom’s voice was closer than a few minutes ago.
Nothing.
She tried to sound normal despite the crushing pain in her chest. How many times could a heart break in twenty-four hours?
Then why are you screaming?
her mother asked.
Jessie hesitated. She hated to lie, but it hurt too much to talk about last night. Sarah might get a job at the drive-in.
Her mother didn’t reply. Her footsteps moved down the stairs and into the kitchen. The rattling of dishes followed.
Liar.
Her brother leaned against the doorjamb with a knowing look on his face.
Shhh. She’ll hear you.
She pulled Martin into her room.
More boy troubles?
How do you know that? Were you listening in on your phone?
How else will I find out anything that’s going on around here? Ever since I came home from the hospital, you and Mom tiptoe around acting all cheerful. It’s getting annoying.
You have enough to worry about. You don’t need my problems, too.
I could use a distraction.
He grabbed one of her many teddy bears and sat on the edge of her bed. Tell me what’s up or Mr. Black will get the stuffing beat out of him.
Jessie busied herself with rearranging the knickknacks on her desk until she made up her mind. She missed their late-night talks too much to keep leaving Martin in the dark. It’s Lee. I thought he liked me, but then Tina the Bitch showed up, and poof! He went away with her.
Maybe it’s time to give up on the guy. You’ve been chasing him for years now. If he doesn’t like you, it’s his loss.
She wished it were that easy. Forget about the best guy she’s ever met? Ignore the smile that fixed the worst PMS days better than a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough? Sure, she’ll snap her fingers and move on. The problem was she didn’t want to. No matter how much it hurt, she didn’t want to give up. If Lee would give them a chance, she knew they’d be happy together.
"I was
