Tending the Light: The Human Experience with Self-acceptance

Barbara Teetor Waite, Ph. D.

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TENDING THE LIGHT

The Human Experience with Self-acceptance

Frendship Publications

ISBN-13: 978-0-9984988-4-3

Copyright © 1999 by Barbara Teetor Waite

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations and other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Reference is made to characters, images, trademarks and other properties owned by other parties for editorial purposes only. Neither the author nor publisher make any commercial claims to their use. Nothing contained herein is intended to express judgment on or affect the validity of the legal status of any character, term or word as a trademark, service mark or other proprietary mark.

Although this is a work of non-fiction some names and identifying details have been changed by the author. Characters and anecdotes are described in part or composite for academic and parsimonious purposes.

Printed in the United States of America

Cover photo: Rock Creek Lake, Iowa taken by Erin Hurley

First Edition 2017

Frendship Publications

Acknowledgments, Gratitude and Dedication

The first bricks forming the foundation of this book were laid many years ago. I began studying the concept of self-acceptance in the 1980s while attending graduate school at The University of Virginia. It was the topic of my dissertation. My senior advisor, Bob Rotella, Ph. D., served as an exceptional mentor. His influence provided the mortar and steadied my hand from start to finish. Other highly esteemed dissertation committee members included Linda Bunker, Bruce Gansneder, and Courtland Lee. Without their guidance and enthusiasm, my very first investigation of self-acceptance would not have come to be, let alone a line of research and life-long study of the concept in the world outside academia.

I wish I could name all the librarians who cheerily assisted me (especially before digital databases), the administrators who approved my experiments, subjects who volunteered their time, graduate students who helped investigate, and colleagues who assisted me along the way. My general appreciation for these people will have to suffice, along with the acknowledgment that the people with whom I’ve worked reaffirmed my belief in academic integrity and the general determination on the part of scholars to follow the data with enthusiasm, humility, and an open mind.

In 1988 I dedicated my dissertation, the basis for this book, to my grandmothers, Ruth Meid Compton and Elizabeth Sinclair Teetor. I have deep appreciation for the legacy they passed on to me, especially their abiding respect for continuing education in all of its forms. Thanks to them, I’m still loving to learn.

As usual, there are people who helped me in monumental ways who might not even know how or if they helped me. Burt Giges, M.D. is one of those people. He lives many literal and figurative miles from where I live. I know him as a thinker, a runner, and a wonderful person. Years ago he took the time to mentor me during an academic conference. He listened to what I had to say about self-acceptance and added his thoughts, which have been used in this book directly, when the thought-behavior-emotion triangle became the thought-behavior-emotion-intuition/spirit pyramid, and indirectly, in ways I can’t begin to describe. I realize my good fortune to have rubbed brain cells with Burt Giges.

Sabine Beecher is another such person. She also lives miles away. Australia offers much the same cultural environment as the United States; but differences do exist. Finding a kindred spirit on a similar mission halfway around the world provided its own special and powerful motivation. I wish her all the best with her insightful approach to helping others find happiness and fulfillment through self-acceptance.

Since writing the first version of Tending the Light, I have made numerous edits and added a final chapter, Afterword. Burt Giges, Maddy Pesch, Cathy Hofmann, and Tom Filchak provided valuable feedback on this most recent version. I greatly appreciate their generous gifts of time, energy, and support.

And then there’s the other stuff. Not that anyone would choose to have life happen just to be able to recognize the good fortune they had before and after, but that’s the way it seems to come about. As hard knocks teach hard lessons, they also teach appreciation and acceptance. Sometimes through our highest high points, but mostly through our lowest low points, we learn we’re not perfect. We learn we’re not worthless. We learn we can pick ourselves up and go on, even achieve personal success after devastating defeat. I’m grateful for every educational, character building, and enlightening experience bringing me to this moment.

In recognition of what it takes to be self-accepting, I dedicate Tending the Light: The Human Experience with Self-acceptance to marginalized people all over the world. Their path to self-acceptance might be the most perilous and the most rewarding for us all.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Part I: The Basics

Acceptance

Self-Acceptance

General Self-Acceptance Scale

Self-Esteem

Part II: Why Self-acceptance?

Freedom and Potential

Motivation

Fear and Performance

Happiness and Love

Part III: Pathways to Self-acceptance

Intuition/Spirit

Dogma

Logic

Practical Experience

Part IV: More Reasons for Self-acceptance

Acceptance of Others

Acceptance, Politics, and Peace

Afterword

About the Author

Introduction

For psychologists conducting research in the early to mid-1900s, self-acceptance was a major concept of interest. For reasons unknown and of little importance to most people, the concept of self-esteem replaced the concept of self-acceptance over the course of the next 50+ years. Now, nearing the end of the 20th Century, few people can define self-acceptance accurately; whereas, most people, from professors to school children, know self-esteem means feeling good about themselves or seeing themselves as worthy individuals.

Enthusiastic study of self-esteem has fueled an imbalance in the psyche of our culture, most evident by a disconcerting overemphasis on image above honesty and success above happiness. At least that is how it appears to me. As much as the general public might want to point the finger at institutions of higher learning and say, This is what you hand down to us. What do you expect? the situation calls for much more than better research. The imbalance has reached epidemic proportion at a grassroots level. The time is right for an uprising of the common person, an uprising of philosophy, a coup of belief, and a regaining of fundamental self-respect on the part of every human being; because no matter who we are or what we have or have not accomplished in our lives, many of us are not so common or as unworthy of respect as we might believe.

I hope Tending the Light: The Human Experience with Self-acceptance leads the charge in this uprising. Part I of Tending the Light offers clear and concise definitions of acceptance, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. It describes how the difference between self-acceptance and self-esteem is not a small one, but a life-changing, mind-blowing, unique one, at least for those, like me, who have been fully indoctrinated into a self-esteeming culture. Part II provides a more complete picture of how and why self-acceptance is important, how it relates to the way we live, our sense of motivation and our ability to enjoy life and perform to our potential. It more completely answers the question: Why would we want to be self-accepting? Part III offers a number of approaches to enhancing self-acceptance in ourselves and others, or how we can come to know self-acceptance. And finally, Part IV offers a glimpse into the future, an exploration of what might be possible in a more accepting world.

The main idea in this book isn't new. It has withstood a rigorous test of time. But despite its impressive endurance, the idea is not widely understood and embraced without skepticism, even controversy. It’s amazing how tenacious to beliefs we can be and how quick we are to disapprove of any new concept appearing in opposition to them, even if the concept is associated with peace, comfort, inspiration, and optimal performance. I hope this book in some way helps to clear up misunderstandings and dispel controversies. In my wildest dreams it becomes part of a major cultural revival. But at the very least, for every reader, I hope it provides a spark for thought and possibly self-acceptance on a very personal level, because self-acceptance is as contagious as a smile; and just like a smile, it’s quite possibly the beginning of something big.

Barbara T. Waite, Ph. D.

August 27, 1999

The main idea in this book still isn't new; but in my role as messenger, I feel a new sense of urgency. In 1999 there was good reason to publish Tending the Light. Today, spreading the book’s message seems imperative. If truth is light, I’m concerned many of us are losing our way in the darkness.

Please read the main body of this book knowing it was written in a brighter, more optimistic time. The Afterword places the light of self-acceptance in a new and different time.

Barbara T. Waite, Ph. D.

December 5, 2017

Part I: The Basics

Acceptance

What was was.

What is is.

By the time it is, it was.

Something happens. Acceptance occurs when the knowledge of this happening enters our conscious awareness, not because we judge it to be acceptable, something of which we approve or with which we are comfortable, but simply because it happened. Acceptance is allowing reality to enter the mind because it is just the way it is. Acceptance is honest awareness.

Acceptance isn't easy. When a situation is particularly noxious or incompatible with our previous beliefs, we often experience a natural defensiveness. We distort, deny or ignore reality. Full-time acceptance is reserved for a superior being, but this book attempts to help us mere mortals take a step toward an ideal and to learn how to help others take a step toward the ideal as well.

In the year 400 AD, Epictetus wrote:

[People] are disturbed not by things which happen, but by the opinions about the things.

This quote has been widely evoked to justify modern cognitive therapies. Did Epictetus simply intend to provide cognitive theories with a one-line banner, or did he wish us to read further? I bet he thought we’d at least finish the sentence.

[People] are disturbed not by things which happen, but by the opinions about the things: for example, death is nothing terrible, for if it were, it would have seemed so to Socrates; for the opinion about death, that it is terrible, is the terrible thing. When then we are impeded or disturbed or grieved, let us never blame others, but ourselves, that is, our opinions. It is the act of ill-instructed persons to blame others for their own bad condition; it is the act of those who have begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on themselves; and of those whose instruction is completed, neither to blame others, nor themselves."

Epictetus, The Enchiridion

Epictetus points out the greatest challenge for many of us is not in taking responsibility for our beliefs and thoughts, but in taking responsibility without placing blame upon others or ourselves. Epictetus suggests that as long as people continue to blame themselves and others, they will continue to shirk responsibility for their emotional well-being and separate themselves from the truth about their personal experience. He advocates simple acceptance of what is, the good and the bad of it, without placing blame on anyone.

So the beginning of our journey together, the first step, is definition: acceptance is when people perceive the truth of their experience and take this truth into their minds without placing blame on others or themselves. What is is. Acceptance is a simple idea carrying complex and powerful implications for the quality of our lives and the future of the world.

Self-Acceptance