Diaries to an Older Me: The Life of One Perpetually Misunderstood and Rejected, 2000 – 2002
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About this ebook
This book is not fiction. These are the journal entries, tear-stained entries, that Cerah used to process her experiences. Not only did she write to get the feelings out, but also she did it so that she wouldnt have to re-live those mistakes. She did it because she did not want to re-experience rejection, hurt, loss, rape, shame and self-degradation. She wrote it down, documented it, so that she would not forget it. She put them in this book so you would not have to experience those things. She wants you to learn from her mistakes and triumph where she fell short.
Cerah Whitlow
I’m your typical (I suppose) girl-next-door. Some may describe me as sweet as pie, naïve, quiet, smart, so on and so forth. But who do I say that I am? I’m just like most everybody else—trying to survive. Although, I hope to some day do more than just survive. I grew up poor, but I didn’t really know it. Of course there were clues, but my family was not extremely poor. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. (I still need to find out about that story.) I lived with my mom and extended family, until they—my aunt, uncles, grandmother, then cousins—moved out leaving me, my mom, and younger half-sister behind. After I moved out to go to college, some of them came back and left again. That house is the cornerstone of the family. Now, I’m living an adult life. I work with children, go to church, and have my own family. At night, I journal.
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Diaries to an Older Me - Cerah Whitlow
Contents
Introduction
Book References
To young women everywhere
Introduction
This book is a collection of journal entries. I wrote them over the course of several years. They express my feelings on a particular day, or about a particular event. Sometimes I wrote my memories about my life, or tried to figure some things out, or simply prayed. In my journal entries I talked about everyday kinds of things, including my experiences living a Christian life, dealing with men and family, and learning about myself. There are few really deep revelations about these topics from time to time. I sit back in awe when I read them. In many of my entries, I start with a verse from the bible. Most are taken from the New King James Version (NKJV). I’ve also written songs and poems. (I included song (when I could), book and poetry references, by entry date in the back of the book.)
I’ve been journaling for a long time. I remember that I was about eight years old when I wrote that first diary entry. Dear Diary
it began. I was given that diary as a gift. It had a lock and key. I quickly learned that others were very interested in your personal matters. My older cousin read and even edited my diary. I stopped writing just after that. I journaled off and on from time to time, mostly when I thought that I could hide my journal from the prying eyes of my mom. When I became an adult I started journaling more regularly.
My journals have evolved from Dear Diary
, to Dear God,
then finally to Dear Cerah.
Because this book is a collection of journals, the grammar, sentence structure, or spelling may not always be correct. It’s pretty raw. That’s why I write. I don’t have to worry about filtering my words, making everything sound right, or even keep from hurting someone else’s feelings. I just get to express myself. I don’t have to worry about being misunderstood, or rejected—which seems to be the story of me. To make it easier for the book audience, though, I cleaned it up just a little bit.
I hope this book gives comfort to someone, some young lady, perhaps, who may be struggling with the same kinds of things that I had. Or, to the young lady who wants to learn from someone else’s mistakes (for I have had my share of them). I made changes to names and some locations, but that’s only because I want to protect others. This isn’t about them, it’s about me.
I start with July 2000. I was 24 years old…
July 23, 2000
THE LAMB’S
This is The Lambs in NY, NY in Manhattan. It’s really close to Times Square. God has blessed me to participate and learn of this great homeless ministry. I was able to serve lunch to homeless men (and some women) and fellowship/talk with a couple of educated homeless men. It really amazed me to see the diversity in age and education and overall personability.
What really amazed me was that one young man had a cell phone. I guess just about every type needs helps every now and then. Afterwards, the crew and I helped pack bags of food from their pantry
for 10 families. The Lambs has medical care once or twice a week, a literacy training center with computers and audio video equipment. They have two stages where they give performances. The second, bigger one, doubles as their sanctuary. They have a youth ministry and they sell clothes. All proceeds go to the ministry. It was just awesome. I may go back.
God is good. I just want to take this time to write a little about my background and how God placed it in my heart to work with the homeless population.
I grew up in a government subsidized home for the majority of my life. Prior to that, my family was living in the housing projects of my hometown. We were poor growing up. At the time I didn’t necessarily think I was poor. I knew that I got free lunch (an indicator of poverty) and that we had food stamps (bingo) and I remember eating government cheese. Yes, it did make good grilled cheese sandwiches—after killing yourself to slice through it though. Even though my mom wasn’t saved God yet provided. We had to walk for a good while, I had to wear hand me downs from my friend in Michigan. I can remember thinking that while she’s getting new clothes, I’m wearing her old one’s. Me and my cousins didn’t get new school clothes in the fall like we knew other kids did, but we managed to have some esteem, regardless.
That’s just a glimpse of my childhood growing up in poverty. I thank God that He is who He is and has allowed me to see better days. My hometown is not a very big place in comparison, to say, Cincinnati. Growing up I can’t really say that I’ve seen a homeless person. If they were homeless I did not know. It just wasn’t something I encountered. I was already poor so it wasn’t like my mom was trying to shelter me from it. I’ve seen the stereotype homeless person on television, but that was the extent of it.
I am not quite sure when the Lord started to deal with me on this topic but I do remember the earliest in undergrad. I’m not sure but it had to be when/after I got saved. For some reason I wanted to be able to provide shelter for homeless women and their children. I was thinking in an apartment complex-type setting. Then I saw something on the 700 Club (which I did not start watching until I was saved) about housing for the poor. I really liked the way they had theirs set up and I wanted to find out more about it, but I never did. Later in my career, I guess it was my senior year, yes it was, the student newspaper had an article on the homeless in that college town. I wanted to get involved then, but didn’t. There was this guy, who I know was homeless, who used to hang out on the main strip and I would pass him on my way to work. I wanted so bad to be able to say something to him or offer assistance but I never did.
I kept having these visions, if you will, of what I was going to do to help the homeless. Visions of how I was going to ban together with whomever wanted to volunteer their expertise and provide affordable housing to the poor and provide a place of training for jobs. It has just been milling around in my head. And every time I’d see something about the homeless population I’d take some of those ideas and incorporate them into my own. Now, with the persuasion of my friend, I am going to write the vision. And by the grace of God and His strength I am going to embark on this journey of servitude.
Vision:
To see the homeless come to know the love of God and to know Him as their Savior through a demonstration of that love through:
Feeding—soup kitchen and food baskets
Shelter—affordable housing and furniture
Employment—job search and interview attire
Job training—GED, computer, and basic trade
Clothing—clothes for the entire family
Fellowship—counseling and talking with the saints
Ministry—ministering to the spiritual needs of individuals
Relying on the Lord to supply our every need:
Prayer
Fasting
Grant writing
Management
Other services:
Showers
Medical exams
Haircuts/grooming
June 14, 2001
Arrived in LA. Met a lot of people. An interesting event I want to record is this man was discerning my spirit
so-to-speak outside of Kinko’s. He was right on the money with a number of things. Melody asked him who he got the gift from and he said you know…one of them.
Pretty scary stuff. Sonia warned me. It reminded me of the young lady who followed Paul around. Some things he was on: wanting to gain weight, wanting a big man to be my man and protect me—he said its not the size, but the spirit of the man, not being bold but would rather be somewhere else reading a book, that I like to have things in a place so that I wouldn’t have to look for them, being somewhat controlling, trying to be a bully but not really. That I like uniformity, but today I had on my laid back clothes (cloud pants which caught his attention in the first place.)
June 15, 2001
Urban Hike:
The hike was pretty good. I was able to see a lot of the city. It was not what I expected. From New York I had the thoughts that it would be really busy and everything really big. Well, there were a lot of big places, but in downtown LA everything is spread out. It’s really beautiful. Its definitely not how the movies portray it. On that note, that’s how a lot of things work, people get a glimpse of how things are from the media, but hardly get to experience it on their own. I believe that God wants to see all of us, every last soul saved. Satan wants all of us to go to h---. He’s devised so many traps, many of which I have witnessed today: homelessness, drug addiction, prostitution, nihilism, rebellion, etc. Satan you are defeated and under my feet. I already have the victory. The areas that I tread upon will be taken from the enemy.
The people on skid row have a great spiritual need to be fulfilled. For example, Roy and I were standing around and this guy came up and said that if God gave him a lot of money that he would be praising him but God told him to till the earth and that’s what he’s doing. I think he had been churning that over in his mind and needed an outlet. Lord, help me to speak, no, Lord speak to these people. Allow me to be your voice box, allow me to be your hands and feet, help me to remove myself from the equation. Looking back over the situation I could easily think, Oh I should have said this.
But that’s too late, the person needs to make a connection and only your spirit can destroy the yokes of the enemy. Only with your hand of protection will we be successful. I’m looking for the miracles, the open doors and the open hearts. Open my mind, my heart, my spirit to the spirit of truth and liberty, guidance and direction, and peace.
Thank you Holy Spirit.
June 16, 2001
Today was a good day. I was able to go to East LA to minister. And Lord HELP me! Why was I in a group with Marcie again? I’ll never know. I think there has to be a purpose. Sometimes her social cues aren’t taken. She comes off as a know-it-all and very controlling, at least to me. We were supposed to go out and talk to the people. That happened very little. We were so pressed to get the scavenger items that we did very little ministering. Wow, like I was saying, M
came off really bossy and pushy. I had to bite my tongue. But in conjunction with what the no-teeth man sitting outside of Kinko’s, it really allowed me to see a little of myself.
I read somewhere if there is something in another person that really aggravates you its probably because its something that’s a part of you that you don’t like. Maybe I really have issues with this. It never really hit me until now. I mean, like when Anashia came to live with me I tried to be conscious of that and I noticed that I like to have things my way. Then a couple of things happened here already that made me think, wow, I was not trying to come off as pushy. I’m working on keeping my mouth shut. That seems like or may sound like an oxymoron to others (Cerah speaking and needing to shut up) because I’m generally quiet, but in certain situations I talk a lot, like maybe as if I want to be the expert or know-it-all. I don’t know if that’s a result of being, or mostly being the one who knew a lot. For example, Anashia asks me a lot of questions and I seem to always have a response, sometimes I’ll tell her that I don’t know, but for the most part I’ll say something. And with her I always express my opinion on a matter but won’t always in other situations. For example, Sunday School: She brought up a topic and what the class had to say—well I had to give my two cents on the matter. And I actually thought about this not too long ago. That I’m very opinionated. That I have thoughts on many issues. I guess its weird that I actually have had the opportunity to express them. Which isn’t necessarily a good thing.
I just pray that I receive discernment that I may be able to know when to speak and when not to. Like the other day in the van, Roy was talking about aqueducts and just felt within myself to say something, and I obviously didn’t know as much about it as he did but within myself I just felt like saying something. I mean what is that? Is it because I want attention because I want accolades: to be revered, I mean I need to come off it. I’m not the only one who knows stuff. And that’s one thing that I quickly realized hanging around Nina, Curtis, and Darlene. I said all of that out of my experience in East LA. I guess I did learn a lot, a lot about me a lot about my innards. Then we got back and did skits for the day. There were some funny skits. The people from Crenshaw were cracking me up!! They met some dude who was just acting a fool. Yolanda did that real good. The people from Korea town almost got hit by a bus. The people who went downtown, just totally got smashed. They said they liked walked up and down the street twice and one woman walked by and said oh what y’all think this is, a zoo? The people who went to the other Latino area were sitting next to some people making out—it was hilarious. They had Brad and Teri doing it. Lets see…the people from Little Tokyo...I can’t remember.
But anyway, this evening was fun. I went to the store with Melody and Robyn. Robyn’s from Assembly of God—how cool. Came back, played a little football with Jacob, Greg, Sean, Earl, Robyn. Then played foosball with Ben—he put me on his team we played against Marcie and Robyn, sheer fun. Melody found a CD player, then we were all singing gospel songs it was cool it was off the hook. It kinda broke up when Wendy played her Saving the Last Dance CD.
—Lights out—
June 17, 2001
Father’s Day
Today we went to church. Ben and I were still hyped about going to this popular black church in LA. Well, least to say, it was a big let down. It was not what I call the type of service I’m used to. I thought the praise and worship was way too short and like I called it, domesticated. I say that because the other churches would be like the untamed, wild
churches. Ben used the term mainstreamed. Well it was. The choir sang well, but not like I’m used to. They had the cameras and stuff moving during service like somebody else said it was kinda distracting. I sat next to Carol, Beth, Kevin and Dennis. Carol was straightforward in trying to get to know the people in our seating area—well just one man and his grandson in particular. They were pretty cool. Church was pretty good other than that.
The sermon was a Tribute to My Father.
The preacher told a lot about his experience with his dad. It was neat to hear all the things about his dad. Well, during the service he kept asking the audience to speak something to your neighbor. Well, I guess that really amused her (Beth) because she was acting giddy with it. Like she’ll add something (conversational-wise) to the end and another time she said something like oh we need to tell our neighbors. I was getting a little annoyed by it. After church I saw the lady from a well-known children’s television show attend church. On the way out I was thinking how she is a person and that telling people that oh I saw-so-and so could be/is a way of exploiting them. She’s (or could be) my sister in Christ.
After church, my bible study group had lunch at Roscoe’s Chicken n Waffles in Pasadena. That just really amuses me—chicken ‘n waffles, like on Martin. I just thought it was hilarious. Well we all had chicken ‘n waffles ‘cept for Wendy. She had omelets. It was great hanging out with them we just really bonded. If I hadn’t mentioned yet—Diana is the bible study group leader, then there’s Lucy, Wendy, and Heidi. Then after that, I thought I was going to get some things done, but Earl invited me to play basketball, so I did, with all (most) of the guys. Let see, it was me, Jacob, Shaun, Kevin, and a kid we met against Sean, Earl, Brandon, Dennis, and another little boy—who looked like a little Omar Epps with a ‘fro. It was fun. We each won a set.
Then dinner (leftovers) at the house. After which I took a shower, then we were heading out again—No, I skipped something, after lunch I had a 15 min nap then we had the inter-cultural oneness session. It was pretty interesting. We did this little exercise (after watching a movie) where Sonia or Wanda would read a statement—I’m getting really tired—and you would stand if it applied. That was eye opening. Then we divided into our different racial backgrounds, collaborated with the group and shared to the larger group our cultural values. Ben is a mess he be trippin’ not like in a bad way. He just crazy like that and why when a popular tel-evangelist’s son came in the doorway Ben gone say gone get you a husband—some variation on that. He cracks me up. After that then it was basketball, dinner shower, then dessert with bible study group. Again, great! We ate at Jerry’s famous diner in Westwood. It was good, could have been better, the conversation was good. Lucy and I shared a Havana banana split and cherry crumb cake. Afterwards we went outside and we took pictures in front of the diner and this truck drove by and the 2nd time and a person yelled out the window. Then home sweet home. Oh as we were waiting, the leaders from this a Christian sport team stopped by because one guy knew Diana. There were 2 guys one tall and one short. The tall guy is involved with the team in Cincinnati, how cool it is, small world.
I was talking with my roommate Marie and we were just talking about how we were going to miss everybody because we’ve gotten to know everybody so well, well not completely in these few days we’ve been here. We were also talking about the intense schedule. That the days are long and there’s no chill time. I don’t know. But if this is lax, then I hate to find out about the upcoming week.
Lights out.
Monday, June 18, 2001 (Don’t feel like it)
Today was very eventful. This morning, I believe, Ben told me that he’s moving to Cincinnati in January to teach. (Some time I’ll get around to describing these people). Why, the other day a thought came to me regarding marriage and what not, well it was about like being married to him and when this thought came I like (I’m starting to sound like Kathy) dismissed it on the grounds that he lives a couple of states away, and when he said that it was like oh-mi-gosh. I’m not going to jump to anything and besides he’s like 4 years younger than I. He’s a good person, maybe he’ll make a great husband, but that’s not my focus. It’s interesting how I didn’t get the opportunity to talk to Curtis before I left. Oh, tonight at game night (I’m skipping around because its related) they had tootsie roll pops for prizes. Well, my mind automatically went to the fleece that I set before God regarding the confirmation of my husband. I was like please Lord, I know you aren’t the author of confusion, so only the person who is going to offer me the chocolate tootsie pop is my husband. Well, to say the least, no one offered me a tootsie pop.
Well at the ministry site, Macarthur Park, I got to minister with Kevin, Kathy and Cathi. Kevin and I spoke to an Hispanic man. Well, Kevin did most of the talking considering the man knew little English. We had a little lunch with him. He had to leave so we joined Kathy and Cathi who were talking with an African American male (who had this big juicy neon-looking spider crawling on him. First it was on the tip of his shoe, then somehow it was crawling up his collar—he knocked it off). (Before we went to the evangelism site, we had evangelism training—I was paired up with Tanya). So they were talking to him because he saw a love interest in Kathy. They were all sitting by this lady who was asleep in the park when we first arrived. But before we joined them I attempted to ask an Asian woman who I saw scraping the ground and putting her hand to her mouth hoping to get a morsel of food if she wanted to join us and eat lunch.
Well I don’t think she understood because she walked away. And not much after that she was scraping at the ground. She walked away after that. So when I went back to the lady who was sleeping, Sleeping Beauty.
I just prayed that I would see her again before I left, and that if I did I would take food to her. She ended up coming back later. The Holy Spirit was like there she is. And I looked and looked and I saw her sit because I didn’t want to chase after her, but the Holy Spirit had her waiting to use the restroom. Well I got Kevin to come with me and we waited outside of the toilets to give her this food. She was grateful. Sleeping beauty was interesting, to say the least (that’s my new catch phrase). She was telling us of her life and what not. She’s from Utah, and living
in LA. She said that she couldn’t get housing because she couldn’t save up enough for the down payment. She has section 8 vouchers, but what good is that if she can’t come up with the money. She said that she was looking in the paper for housing and it turned out to be a scam. I mean these people are scammed, exploited by all, many sectors.
June 19, 2001 (Relationship Day)
To continue, though. She was telling us all about her famous exploits—Berry Gordy, Sly Stallone, etc. Aretha Franklin. It was cool. Um, after that everyone was gathering around the vans to leave. Well, this white guy comes out of nowhere and was pointing at Sally, who was behind me and YoYo (Yolanda), and saying you don’t need to be here. Well, to make a long story short he started arguing over bibles so I turned to hear what a lady was saying about her and her child and how she couldn’t find a place. By this point the white guy was going off everybody was just standing around and I noticed some people were giggling. So I just kinda turned my head and said randomly to the back of the crowd Y’all praying right?
Well, Ben was one who heard