While I Was yet Sinning: On Being an Effective Christian Witness

Copyright © 2014 Steven J. Hawley.

2013 Steven Lunetta Photography

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-2273-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-2274-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014900695

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/27/2014

Contents

Chapter 1   Living regrets

Chapter 2   I never did say goodbye

Chapter 3   I feel like I have lived a hundred years

Chapter 4   Hope Deferred

Chapter 5   Things a tired man might say

Chapter 6   If no one had elbows

Chapter 7   Lunch was good

Chapter 8   Just another excuse…

Chapter 9   It was MY choice

Chapter 10   My reality check bounced

Chapter 11   Whatever [things]!

Chapter 12   Love is

Chapter 13   Trespassers will

Chapter 14   Things I have never noticed

Chapter 15   I don’t tell jokes anymore.

Chapter 16   A man is not finished when he is defeated

Chapter 17   A man is finished when he quits!

Chapter 18   Car for sale

Chapter 19   Regrets refurbished

Chapter 20   Reflections of a dysfunctional man [or, you think you’re nuts!]

Chapter 21   Female Sumo Wrestlers?

Chapter 22   Your embryo if fine

Chapter 23   A State Of Positive Discontent

Chapter 24   Users will

Chapter 25   What’s in an oxymoron?

Chapter 26   My childhood was worse than your childhood!

Chapter 27   Fireplaces, quilts and winter

Chapter 28   What the blind man saw

Chapter 29   What the deaf man heard

Chapter 30   What the mute man said

Chapter 31   Even what you have is sometimes too much

Chapter 32   Living with absolutes

Chapter 33   Because I said so!

Chapter 34   Rhetorical questions

Chapter 35   The gift of unanswered prayer

Chapter 36   At my funeral

Chapter 37   When God says no

Chapter 38   Constantly Amazed!

Chapter 39   If we cannot see them…we won’t love them

Chapter 40   If we cannot love them…we won’t pray for them

Chapter 41   If we cannot pray for them…we won’t win them

Chapter 42   If we cannot win them…we won’t send them

Chapter 43   Go! Fight! Win! Yeah Team!

Chapter 44   Puppy dogs, kitties and mouse’s

Chapter 45   Why cows have four stomachs.

Chapter 46   No more excuses! [Part one]

Chapter 47   No more excuses! [Part two]

Chapter 48   Heart Peace

Chapter 49   Perceived Reality

Chapter 50   False Pretenses

Chapter 51   You can never go home

Chapter 52   There ought to be a law

Chapter 53   I will not hate you

Chapter 54   And you still aren’t ready!

Chapter 55   Planted Seeds

Chapter 56   Perceived Needs

Chapter 57   Chasing after the Wind

Chapter 58   Religion without Jesus

Chapter 59   When you thought I wasn’t listening

Chapter 60   Out of the frying pan [and into the fire]

Chapter 61   A Tale of Two Roads

Chapter 62   Invisible Fuel

Chapter 63   Horizontal Living

Chapter 64   Vertical Living

Chapter 65   Let’s Get Graphic

Chapter 66   Captured by My Enemy

Chapter 67   Invisible Reality

Chapter 68   A Dismal Encounter

Chapter 69   Far From Home

Chapter 70   Point of View

Chapter 71   Heavenly Minded

Chapter 72   To Be Without Excuse

Chapter 73   How to Live With a Miserable Person

Chapter 74   Let Me Go!

Chapter 75   Perpetual Motion

Chapter 76   In His Eye’s

Chapter 77   On Betrayal

Chapter 78   On Betraying Him #1

Chapter 79   On Betraying Him #2

Chapter 80   A Christmas Paradox

Chapter 81   On Restoration

Chapter 82   What’s in a Name?

Chapter 83   The L Factor

Chapter 84   The End

Chapter 1

Living regrets

Matthew 26:33

Peter replied, ‘Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.’

How does one vanquish the depth of hurt of an anguished heart? Hurt brought upon oneself by betrayal of the one you love the most. Peter knew that this was something he could not do on his own but that healing would be by the abiding presence of God. Peter was confronted 3 times with the offering of restoration, which coincidentally, is the same number of times that Peter betrayed him. Therefore, when we are in the valley and do not sense the abiding presence of God, where do we turn, where do we go? Do we engage the healing willingly or do we put it off as too unbearable. More to the point, does the world we live in keep us from the world we are to be in but not of? I am not from middle class America. I am not from a large family. Okay, I am, but not in my soul, my Christian being that is not of this world. It is that part of me that continually reminds me that I am merely an alien waiting to go home.

Healing is all about confrontation of hurt and life as it really is. We, as human beings, have a tendency to place life within the definition bestowed from our family, our society, and our desire. As a result, we lessen the lesson and extend the pain. Does this sound familiar to you? I know that I don’t like the lessons. I cannot imagine that you are much different than me. Yet we need the lessons to bring us out of the valley and to aid us in helping others who need someone to come alongside of them. For the Christian, the journey cannot be taken alone; one must have a brother or sister to join in the journey, to believe in you, and to encourage you with every success. In the end, what we thought was our lesson turns out to be a lesson for all. The teacher and the student learn from the Master.

We take much time and focus in building the fortress that houses our self from the world in which we live. We think, No one can see me as I am for fear that they reject me. God comes to us and empathetically states, Why would you think you should hide yourself from me. We then think of a multitude of ways to avoid the reality that, as with Peter, He does see us and does know our tendency to go the easy route. However, He does see us and we are acceptable in his sight. Doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do; he accepts, approves and loves you.

Which was worse; Jesus saying to Judas, Friend, do what you came for. [Mt 26:50] or to Peter, I tell you the truth, Jesus answered, This very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times. [Mt 26:34] If you answered neither, you answered correctly. They were both devastating. What has Jesus said to you? How many times has he said it? What was your response? Psalm 51:10-12 gives us the reason for this confrontation by the loving God of the Universe. God wants to create in us a pure heart; he wants to renew a steadfast spirit within us, and he wants to restore us. He wants to create in such a way that we do co-create with a willing spirit. Yes, that means voluntarily and, as the word implies (willingly), in a manner of action or on purpose. It was with purpose that Jesus came to earth and it was with purpose he lived his life. It was His purpose for his son to die, for you and me, and then be resurrected so that we could also be resurrected.

Why does he desire to do this? I believe he does this so that we do not have any living regrets but rather we have a reason to leave the regrets behind and follow him. (After all, he has.) It is through the willing broken spirit and the willing contrite heart that we learn to follow the shepherd wherever he leads, whenever he leads and however he leads. If you have discovered, as I, that this doesn’t happen over night, welcome aboard. We weigh, in the most sensitive way, what we will and will not surrender to Jesus. In the end, our reticence has kept us from real riches, real freedom, and real peace.

The story is told of the shepherd who was seen carrying a lamb about his neck. The lamb had a bandaged and splinted leg. When asked about the injury, the shepherd replied that he had broken it. After the initial shock of the statement, the shepherd went on to explain that the lamb had begun running away to where it was not safe to be alone. Despite the shepherd’s correction, the lamb continued to run away. Finally, the shepherd broke the leg, set it, bandaged it, and carried the lamb until it was healed so that the lamb would have allegiance with him and him alone.

In the breaking and mending of our leg, it is first necessary to allow the confrontation of the Lord before the breaking. How many chances he gives us and yet we still stray, betray, and think we can do it on our own. Finally, to those he loves (which is all of us), he allows circumstances to come our way that bring about the breaking. If you’re stubborn like me, bottom is a long way down. Being able to get to the end of self is then the ultimate goal. After that, there is nothing but the truth of whose you are. Now we can be in that place of healing and discovery. Healing from the damages we have wreaked upon ourselves and discovery of all that we are in Him. Then and only then can the healing begin to take place in our life. Passing on that healing is important as it validates both the work within us and the work that is ongoing within others. This is called discipleship and we are commanded to practice discipleship. Again, the process of healing is just as long as we are stubborn and unyielding. Kind of sounds like a two or three-year-old; doesn’t it?

Where are you today? Do you have a living regret of when you betrayed the Lord? In 1 John 1:9 we are told that; If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. What have you forsaken that is dearest in your heat? Have you forsaken Jesus? No, you have forsaken God’s image in you. You have forsaken your true self that only the Father knows intimately. We are only able to love others to the degree that we love the God image in us. How would you find yourself being rated in this area? Remember that when we forsake the God image in us, we do so with every other human being we come in contact with. Would you take the time to love, accept and approve yourself? Do you need to confess and be cleansed? Take the time to allow the cleansing of the Holy Spirit to take place in your life and then go forth with no regrets but only forgiveness.

God is waiting for you today.

Chapter 2

I never did say goodbye

John 19:30

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, ‘It is finished.’ With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

Saying goodbye has a lot to do with personal focus and little to do with the actual act of separation or leaving; much less in death. This applies to not only the flesh but also the spirit. Just what is finished when we say goodbye? Just what is finished when we die? In verse 17 of Chapter 20, Jesus tells Mary Magdalene, do not hold onto me. When we do not say goodbye, is that not what we are doing, holding on? And so we hold on so much that we cannot possibly moved forward and do what Christ has commanded us to do. This action, saying goodbye, demands that we release the past in order to be active in the future. Refusing to do so is to disobey the Lords directive that we go forth and make disciples of all nations. Whatever you determine your nation to be. It could be your family or a family in Pakistan. It could be your neighbor or the neighboring country. It could be an intimate enemy or one in a distant land. It may even be the self within you. Have you been mired down in the past and not said goodbye to that which holds you hostage?

I have a Christian friend who once confided in me that he was fearful of death. He asked me if I, knowing my faith to be akin to his, was also fearful of death. When I told him, No., he asked me, Why aren’t you afraid? Many years ago, I explained, I had been fearful of death. I did not know if I was more afraid of leaving the ones I loved or not having the ones I loved with me. My focus was wrong. When the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and showed me where I was going and to whom I was going, the fear left. My attachment was to Jesus and my longing to return home to be with Him. I explained to my friend that I thought of death as in the act of breathing. Puzzled, he asked me to explain. I told him that when I exhale for the last time here on this earth, I would immediately inhale on the other side. For the Christian, there is no death, only life after life.

The definition of allegiance taught here in the world is contrary to that of the Word of God. Allegiance here in the world is presented as past focused without much of a possible future hope, while allegiance in God’s world is always future focused. Think about some of the notables in the Bible. Past focused or future focused? With the past behind (not forgotten) their focus was the Promised Land, it was the blessing of God, it was life now and the resurrection then. No wonder we humans have such a hard time saying goodbye. Whether the goodbye is to friends who are moving, lost relationships, or the final goodbye of death [your own or someone you love], the goodbye is mandatory, not optional. So, why is it that we don’t take care of the death issue now instead of allowing that event to encompass us? Why is it that so much fear is present in death that we cannot see the celebration of life? I would suggest that reason to be not the celebration of life but the fear of death.

People who know me are well aware of a phrase I use often. It goes like this, What’s the worst that can happen; that I’ll die and go to heaven? Is that so bad? If that is the worst, then what is the best? Well, to have the best, all of us, of necessity, need to change our past focus to a future focus. Even on the cross, dying, Jesus was able to maintain a future focus. Read the text in John 19:26-27 When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, ‘Dear woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his house. Jesus was future focused in making sure that his earthly mother would be cared for until He returned or she was resurrected and joined him in heaven.

So, what does it take to change our focus from past to future? Oddly enough, the answer is both simple and complex. The simple part is to lose ourselves in Christ so much that we do not live in our past but rather in His future. With a world screaming at us from every dimension that we need to be in control of our emotions, our finances, our children, our government, our… Well you get the point. Letting go is contrary to the world we live in. Holding on is the way it should be according to the world. Jesus spoke to us saying, Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. By being so caught up in maintaining my life on the world’s terms, I lose life as God sees it. By being so caught up in losing my life for Christ, my life is then lived on God’s terms and I gain eternal life here and now. How about you? Do you live your life with thoughts of family reunions or The Family’s reunion? Do you live your life dreading each day or finding Christ in each moment? Has your world become comfortable with this world or comfortable with His world? If you have chosen to answer these questions with this world’s mindset, you’ve missed the blessings of God. You’ve missed the freedom and joy that comes with release. Is your prison self-made, constructed by friends, family, and history or are you a prisoner of Christ and captive to His Story?

This is a mystery. Do we want to find our life in the world [and lose it]? Do we want to lose our life in Christ [and find it]? To complicate the matter even more, we are endowed with a free will to choose life or death. With all that is before us, why would anyone choose death over life? Yet, so many Christians do every day when they live their lives based on the world-view versus God’s view.

For example, Jesus said that we, as his servants, were to live in such a way that the world is turned upside down. I recently had a deep and meaningful conversation with an adult friend of mine. The subject was what determines our life in Christ. I had purported that the grip we have on that around us dictates whether that which we have belongs to God or to us. Amid much opposition, I picked on a certain collection the friend maintained at great expense. I asked them if they would immediately pack up their collection and cart it down to the local thrift shop as a donation for someone else to use. They said, in worldly fashion, God is not asking me to do that. I again asked them if God told them to do as previously stated whether they would or could give these material items away. They replied, God wants me to be a good steward of what he has given me. Having tried to dodge the question twice I suggested that it wasn’t God who was keeping them from making the choice; it was their choice. With some sadness, the friend confessed that they could not look at this from God’s perspective right now in their life. They wanted to pass it down to their children. They wanted to have nice things. They wanted to… I think you get the picture. We are clutching to things and people so hard that we miss the gospel message that all is worthless if we deny Christ every part of our life. If we do deny Christ, we are not saying goodbye. Somewhere out there is someone who wants to say hello to Christ but isn’t able to see Christ in you, in I, in the church, in the world that surrounds us. How about you?

It all boils down to choices. Our choices. For me the choice has been made. The path has been laid out. While I still struggle here and there, the journey has begun and ended in my decision to lose my life to Christ and die to the world. I am but an alien passing through this earth on my way home and I cannot take anything, anyone with me. Whatever the choice, it is an eternal choice and one of the choices are for His sake…and ours. The other is not. Remember to say goodbye.

Chapter 3

I feel like I have lived a hundred years

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Have you ever tried to put into words your repeated attempts at living as God wants you to live? For me the movie Ground Hog Day about says it all. It seems that although I give this or that area of my life to Jesus, that I continually take it back. Not consciously or intentionally, rather subtly and often at the most surprising of times. Again, we find ourselves confessing, repenting, and again telling God that we will overcome this or that area of sin tomorrow.

Will we, though? What you have read in the paragraph above is an exercise of our might, our intellect, and our will power. Within that context, the sin in our lives will never be conquered. I know that never is an absolute word. The Word tells us: Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. [John 8:32]. If we look closely at that sentence, we will see a little word that ought to spark our attention. The sentence begins with the word then. Then implies something after what was previously stated. Look at verse 31: If you hold to my teachings then you are really my disciples. Let us back up one more step. Verse 30 tells us to whom Jesus was addressing. It reads, To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said. Note that it doesn’t say "who had believed in him, it says, and who had believed him." What did Jesus teach? Why was/is it so important to them and to us?

Okay, let us get to the crux [or the crucifix] of the matter. Hebrews 11:1 states: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. What is our hope? It is deliverance; deliverance from sin, from oppressors, from the lack in our lives, from ourselves, from doubt, from efforts on our part to have a victorious life in Christ. This reminds me of the story of the man who was walking along a mountain path when in the thick fog he fell over the cliff. As he fell, he grabbed hold of a sparse tree growing from the side of the cliff. He began to yell for someone to help him although he knew he was alone. To his amazement, a voice answered him and said that he would help and for the man to just let go and he would be caught and kept safe. The man asked who this was giving him these bizarre directions. The voice answered and said that it was God. To which the man, after some hesitation, yelled, Is anyone else out there?

We want to see a physical reality and not a spiritual reality. Hebrews 11:6 goes on to instruct us by saying, And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. So now there is a catch to this process, isn’t there! We need to have faith in an invisible God because this pleases Him and THEN we can seek him and he will reward us. Therefore, we seek someone else (ourselves) and we again fall into the sin within which we were once entangled.

In the Gospel of John, there are no less than 53 references to Jesus telling us the truth, the truth being listened to, and to what is true. The truth is that if we believe in Him, then we will know the truth and THAT truth, HIS truth will set us free. So, why live in the bondage of sin? It’s simple! We as human beings want to remain in control of our lives, our sin, and thus become the god of areas of our lives to which we do not allow God access. Perhaps fearing that He will actually do what He says He will and our lives will be something we cannot imagine and thus cannot control.

This, in itself, is an interesting battleground. I am sure that you too have seen many cars with the fish with feet and Darwin written inside. You’ve probably seen the bumper stickers that proclaim God is dead. Maybe you’ve heard celebrities or politicians (most full of themselves!) proclaiming that God doesn’t exist. The question, for the Christian, is begged; What are they so defensive about. Perhaps it is that part of them that doesn’t want to surrender to Christ. In that case, their protest is more evidence that God is real than not. At least they are acknowledging that they know the Gospel story and are convicted so much that they need to strike out at God. How silly!

God is waiting to do His will in your life and mine. Within that thought, we know that he forgives us, forgives us, forgives us, and forgets. The philosopher, William James, once said: We may have a God in heaven who forgives us our sins. However, mankind does not. Who are we living for? If we say God, then why do we care what mankind says or thinks? Who are we living for? If we say: to look good, to drive the right car, to have the right job, to have the proper standing in the community, and more; then we know not God. Our faith is in vain. I haven’t even addressed the unbelievers in this paragraph. I’m talking about the Christian who IS professing faith in Christ. A sad statistic recently unearthed is that 67% of the evangelical Christians in the United States do not believe that there is a real Hell, or that Satan exists. What has watered down your life? Is there room for the dredge of society to drain from you, His holy temple?

While I would like to be able to tell you that I’ve arrived, I have not. There is a difference between being saved and being sanctified. Repentance leads to salvation as we confess Christ as our Lord and Savior. Sanctification is that process by which we continue to give up our lives so that Christ may reign in our lives. In each area that I struggle, I know there is something I have yet to yield to Christ. There are rooms where I don’t want to open the door much less let anyone see what is in the room. Yet, I am scrutinized daily by the Holy Spirit who wants me whole. Why the resistance? Why the holding onto something that is unhealthy for me? Why compromise my witness to those around me? Because there are yet areas in my life where I have chosen to retain my will. Foolish yes. True yes. Yet, as Paul stated, I press onward toward that goal which is in Christ Jesus my Lord. Forsaking what is behind and grasping onto that which I have not attained, one day to hear those words: Well done good and faithful servant. Have you a longing inside of you to hear those words? Have you a longing to see your Lord Jesus and not be ashamed?

Okay, we are left pondering where we are, where we’re headed and if we really want to count the cost and give ourselves wholly to the Journey. Only the brave hearted dare say yes, due to the high cost of embracing His truth in our lives. Isn’t it about time…?

How do you want to live? Give your life to Christ and live it once. Give it to Christ and allow Him to live through you. Not just life, but life abundantly! Life without measure! Leave what is behind and grasp that which is before you…if you dare.

Chapter 4

Hope Deferred

Psalm 77:6a

I remembered my songs in the night.

When I was a little boy, I was afraid of black cats. I do not know why; I just was. Some children are afraid of monsters under the bed and noises in the night. Others are afraid of being alone and/or without light. Someone has made a lot of money off night-lights and blankies! As long as there are children, I suppose there will be fears of the night.

I am now a grown man in the middle of my life and my night fears have taken on a different proportion. These night fears are not necessarily limited to times of darkness of night but also manifest themselves in the light of day. Mine comes from severe PTSD and childhood abuse. Just as some of you have had. Do you have night fears? David cried out, Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. I would imagine that he too had night fears that occupied his day. After all, he was chased by King Saul for a long time and even cornered at one point by the man. It was God alone who delivered David from his night and it is God alone who delivers you and me.

Yet, hope is what we long to have during our days and nights. It is hope that brings us to a place of peace. So, why do we have the night fears revisit us so often? Why are there so many people I know [and a lot that I do not know] who appear to live their lives without hope? Why the loneliness and despair in so many pairs of eyes that I see or in the stories I hear? Hollow eyes with a story yet to be told, visited, and quieted. Haunting memories expressed in silence lest someone might know and someone might care, someone might share.

For example, my own experience in this arena, I suffer from Post Traumatic Disorder (Severe) and Major Depression. Throw in a little self-pity and I’ve been a real mess in the past. I don’t like it. I don’t like the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, the overwhelming feeling when the memories overtake me. I don’t like waking in the night to a sweat drenched bed and no memory as to what was so terrifying. I don’t like PTSD. I didn’t ask for it, it didn’t come in a box from McDonalds and it will NEVER go away. I will die with PTSD as a part of me. You vets out there and other professionals like cops, docs, nurses, fireman and such know what I mean. You victims