A Song in the Night: A Personal Journey of Hope: Grieving, Healing and Rebuilding

Copyright © 2014 Freda K. Cheung.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-5484-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-5485-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-5486-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014917627

WestBow Press rev. date: 08/25/2015

Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Preface

Part One

A Song in the Night

1 Prelude to Home in Glory

2 Death: Its Certainty and Fairness

3 Grieving and Healing Seasons

4 Going into Grief

5 Rebuilding a Shattered Life

6 Good Bye, My Dearest Husband

7 A Song in the Night

8 Pressing Forward

Part Two

A Self-help Guide: Suggestions for Dealing with Bereavement

A Closing Word

Notes

Pictures

Acknowledgements

I want to thank all those family members, brothers and sisters in Christ, friends and colleagues who provided comfort and support to me during my bereavement. Each in your own ways has been so unique and personal. Your help and assistance was deeply felt and appreciated. I was lonely and sad, you were there with me. You have helped me find my way through the lost path of grief. You were part of the nurturing process that restored me to health.

I am much grateful to those of you who encouraged me to write this book and spurred me on to complete the writing. Special thanks to Johnny Chan, Orchid Dong and Joann Ng for your reading of my rough drafts. Without the particular encouragement and editorial works of Stella Ng, Esther Leung and my grandson, Brandon Cheung, this book will be aborted. I am most grateful to you who have worked with me and helped me finished this book.

Jessica Liu, who was introduced to me by a mutual friend, generously spent hours designing the book cover for me. The design so appropriately depicts the emotions and the conditions of my internal experience during the period of my grieving. Thank you, Jessica, for using your artistic ability to help me make this book more complete.

My deepest appreciation goes to Brandon, my grandson, who for the first few years of the passing away of his YeYe (Grandpa) had spent a day each week with me. No one suggested him to do that, but he did it out of a love for YeYe and me, his MaMa. Brandon, you have carried me through the grief process, and have helped me rebuild my life. Brandon, you are a precious gem.

Foreword

This book is about grief over the departure of a loved one, a long difficult journey that is inevitable this side of Heaven. Lonely nights, lifeless existence, a deep sense of hollowness; yet by the grace of God all these could turn into a fruitful and meaningful experience. Psychologist Dr. Freda Cheung testifies to this soul-stirring transformation as she wrestled with the departure of her beloved husband Rev. Fred Cheung after more than 42 years of marriage.

It was never easy to part with someone so close and dear to one’s heart. Freda faithfully traces the emotional seasons which she went through in her struggle, from frank denial to a genuine good-bye in the light of the glorious afterlife, from painful separation to healing and the rebuilding of a shattered life, and from seeming abandonment to a full-blown commitment to continuing her husband’s life mission.

This book is a precious record of Freda’s real-life encounter with such a severe grief and her subsequent recovery. Emotions are freely expressed and accurately described, while her assertions and reflections are simple, yet ever so true, profound and insightful. Sharing from her experience, Freda also includes at the end of the book a self-help guide for those encountering grief, with useful tips that are concrete, practical and to the point.

Freda’s personal account of her journey is not only in line with sound psychology, but also demonstrates the validity and relevance of spiritual qualities and values. There is faith in the true Anchor and His Word, firmly grounded on all the precious promises that have come alive in times of turmoil. There is love, both divine and human, not easily felt at first, but slowly becoming a motivating power to share God’s blessings to many others. And then there is hope, the only thing that one can cling on to in the helpless stage when faith and love seem to have disappeared. By God’s grace, Freda came home with the triumphant testimony that God has always been there for her.

One can hardly fail to notice that, even though Freda said she felt so weak and lost, she was able to stand before God and man with an integrity that can only come from God. It was important that she could claim the precious relationship with her Lord no matter what happened. To be sure, there was much confusion and distress, and a lot she could not understand. But she knew it was not wrong to struggle or to fall into depression. She had the right to be weak, the right to cry and to seek help, the right even to question the sovereign Creator. That truly reminds us of Job, the righteous wholesome man before God from beginning to end.

The result is that Freda is able to sing her song in the night, amidst all the weakness and confusion. With this energy she will continue to sing before the crowds she and her husband Fred have been ministering to all these years, and she firmly believes that one day she will sing triumphant praises endlessly with Fred and the Heavenly crowd. Such is the full and meaningful life she and Fred share in the Lord. May the testimony of this book be a blessing and encouragement to many who travel on this road of grief.

Reverend Yeung Sek Cheung, Philip

Professor and Chaplain, China Graduate School of Theology, Hong Kong

Consultant Pastor, Emmanuel Chinese Church, Hong Kong

Preface

The loss of a loved one is irreplaceable and leaves a void in the heart that nothing can fill. Death seems to be so absolute and final. It brings a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness to those who are left behind.

This was how I felt when the Lord took my beloved husband of forty-two years home. I thought my whole world had caved in and there was nothing much left for me to live for. However, the God whom I learned to trust whilst a teenager never left me even though at times I felt He wasn’t there, and at other times He kept silent. He brought me through the painful journey by turning it from darkness to light, from despair to hope, from sorrow to comfort, and from sadness to joy. It has not been easy, but His rod and staff were there to guide me and comfort me.

I have shared part of my journal which recorded the deep feelings that I felt toward my husband, Fred, and his passing away—my anguish, my loneliness, my resentment, my doubt and my recovered joy. I take a risk in baring myself open, sharing how I dealt about the loss of Fred in the hope that this may help readers realize that it is all right to show their real self even though there is a risk of being misunderstood. My purpose is to help others recognize that there is nothing wrong in being human, i.e. experiencing all kinds of emotions whether negative or positive, to have moments of doubts, and to have brief periods of depression. This is part of the normal grieving process that many will go through. However, we do have the option of not remaining there for too long and allowing it to control us.

There were moments of ups and downs in my grieving; perhaps this is like many people’s grieving experience too. To have caring friends and loving supportive family members was important in my healing process. I have learned to be appreciative of them. The meaningful legacies and the loving memories of my late husband brought me much sunlit warmth in the chill of loneliness and pain. I want to share these with my readers.

The Lord has used this period of bereavement to teach me an important lesson of how to live the remaining days of my earthly life in a meaningful way while preparing for the eternal life in heaven. He allows me to experience the letting go of my unforgiving attitude in return for a taste of an exuberant feeling of freedom to make choices for renewed relationships and reconciliation. What joy and blessedness to be set free from the entrapment of self-centered resentment, and to gain the indescribable feeling of forgiveness, both in giving and receiving.

Seeing that I was lost, the Lord gave me a direction for my life—to continue the ministry to which Fred had committed his life. This ministry has now become mine and I, too, will commit myself to it for the rest of my life. This commitment has reenergized me for a purpose that is beyond and greater than a deceased love one. It is to have a part in carrying out the Great Commission which the Lord has entrusted to us. This is what a journey of hope is—death is not an end in itself, but rather, it can bring a renewal of perseverance and commitment in living.

The Lord has wiped away my tears and has gladdened my spirit. He has given me a song to praise Him for there is a bright tomorrow waiting for me.

Dear reader, I don’t know where you are in this grieving process—beginning, middle or towards the end? Regardless of where you are, put your hand in the loving Savior’s hand and let Him walk with you through this journey. In Him there is hope beyond and victory over death. There is a reason to live. Let us, therefore, strive to live to the fullest by bringing joy, hope, love and blessings to others.

Death has been swallowed up in victory.

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?’

The sting of death is sin,

and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God!

He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 15:54b-57

Freda KauPong Cheung

Alhambra, California

Part One

A Song in the Night

1

Prelude to Home in Glory

"I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in me will live,

Even though he dies;

And whoever lives and believes in me

Will never die!"

John 11:25

Your husband’s condition has taken an upward turn, said the attending physician at the University of Southern California Hospital. You can go home and get some rest now.

After waiting anxiously for many days, clinging onto the thin hope that Fred’s condition would improve, relief and joy flooded my heart as I heard those words. Finally, there was something for me to hold on to in those bleak days that we were struggling through. I glanced at Fred once again, thanking God for watching over him and showing His loving kindness to us. I patted my husband’s hand to say goodbye, and left his room with a much lighter heart.

As I headed home, I offered another prayer of thanksgiving to God for carrying us this far. And now, it seemed hopeful that Fred was improving. That night, for the first time in over two months, I fell into a deep, restful sleep. Not since Fred had checked into the hospital had I slept so soundly.

A little after five in the morning I was awakened by the ringing of my bedside telephone. Still half-asleep, I picked up the telephone with a foreboding premonition.

Hello?

Is that Mrs. Cheung? I am the neurologist at USC who has been assigned to take care of your husband Fred. There appears to be bleeding and swelling in the brain. Do we have your permission to take a look at it? We’ll need your approval. . .

I didn’t hear the rest. My heart seemed to stop, and my mind went numb. After hanging up the phone, I called my two sons, Keith and Keenan. They were staying together in Keenan’s home.

I don’t know how I got to the hospital. But I was there, with my two sisters, Irene and Violet, within a short time. We met Keith and Keenan outside my husband’s room. The attending physician met us and informed us that Fred’s condition had taken a downward turn during the night. She didn’t think that there was much chance for Fred to recover from the bleeding in the brain.

She continued on to inform me, Your husband’s kidneys have completely failed and his heart is overworked and is shutting down.

She then asked me Would you want us to resuscitate him if the heart stops?

My own heart skipped a beat upon hearing the question. I wondered if I had heard the question correctly. Was she talking to me?

In the same breath, she proceeded to tell me that when her father went through a similar situation, she let him go. I heard her talking but couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. My mind was hoping that Fred’s heart would continue working even as it got weaker. I glanced at the neurosurgeon, who was now talking with my two sons. They talked for quite a while. Then I saw them turn and walk towards me.

My sons put their arms around me. Keith gently told me, Mom, they couldn’t stop the bleeding in the brain. We should prepare for the worst anytime now.

"Can that be true? Did I hear them