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The Balding Handbook: The Five Stages of Grieving for Your Hair Loss

The Balding Handbook: The Five Stages of Grieving for Your Hair Loss

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The Balding Handbook: The Five Stages of Grieving for Your Hair Loss

128 pages
1 hour
Nov 28, 2012


David Stern is a fully-actualized bald man. He has gone through the five stages of grieving for his hair loss, and he's in a better place. If you'd like to join him there, "The Balding Handbook" is for you. "The Balding Handbook" takes you beyond those embarrassing moment of Denial (hats, combovers, plugs, pieces), keeps you out of jail during your Anger, helps you construct a perfect deal for God during Bargaining, comforts you through your balding Depression, and brings you into the light. Of course, you'll need sunscreen when you get there, but the few extra bucks you shell out to the Hawaiian Tropic® people is a trifle when you consider the incredible life that awaits you after reading this book.
Nov 28, 2012

About the author

David Stern is the Associate Dean for Public Services at Milner Library, Illinois State University. David has degrees in Biological Sciences; History & Philosophy of Science; and Library Science, and was the founder and principal of Maximize Information. Previously Associate University Librarian for Scholarly Resources at Brown University, and Director of Science Libraries at Yale University, David taught library science graduate courses and serves as a consultant and advisor to a number of professional bodies. David served on the Board of Directors (2000-2003) and as the Chair of the Knowledge Management Division (2007-2008) of the Special Libraries Association (SLA), and as Editor of the journal Science and Technology Libraries from 2005-2007. His research interests include electronic retrieval and transmission of data and the development of end-user search systems for both local and remote hosts. He is currently working on the development of standards and cost models for federated full-text search and retrieval systems. David has many articles, several chapters, two edited special issues of Science and Technology Libraries, and a book, Guide to Information Sources in the Physical Sciences, to his credit. He is a regular speaker at conferences.

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The Balding Handbook - David Stern


The Balding Handbook

Copyright 2012 by David Stern

Cover Art Copyright 2012 by Kelly Hyde

Photography Copyright 2012 by Ray Nilsen

Publishing History

Paperback edition/November 2012

Published in the Unites States by

Eckhartz Press

Chicago, Illinois

All Rights Reserved

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

The names and identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

— (from a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a committee of the American Bar Association and a committee of publisher).

eISBN: 978-0-9848049-7-9


This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.


Title Page

Copyright Page

Praise for The Balding Handbook



Stage One - Denial & Isolation

Chapter One - Hats: The Bald Man’s Crack

Chapter Two - The Combover

Chapter Three - Grasping at Straws

Chapter Four - Extreme Measures

Chapter Five - Isolation

Chapter Six - Denial Shock Therapy

Stage Two - Anger & Rage

Chapter Seven - Who Should You Hate?

Chapter Eight - Refining Your Targets

Chapter Nine - Our Bad

Chapter Ten - Anger Shock Therapy

Stage Three - Bargaining

Chapter Eleven - Regrets, I Have a Ton

Chapter Twelve - The Big Ten

Chapter Thirteen - Closing the Deal

Chapter Fourteen - Bargaining Shock Therapy

Stage Four - Depression

Chapter Fifteen - Historical Depression

Chapter Sixteen - Support Groups

Chapter Seventeen - Words of Comfort

Chapter Eighteen - Depression Shock Therapy

Stage Five - Acceptance

Chapter Nineteen - Time and Money

Chapter Twenty - Bald Power

Chapter Twenty-One - The Thirty Year Plan


About the Author

Publisher Page


Finally a book for America’s most overlooked minority!

We are balding hear us roar, in numbers too big to ignore!

— Radio legend John Records Landecker

For Michelle,

My soul mate, my best friend and my sunscreen advisor



Every balding man has that one moment of self-discovery that changes his life forever. Mine occurred in a 7-Eleven more than twenty years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was standing at the counter waiting for the cashier when I glanced up at the little closed-circuit security TV screen. A balding man was standing in front of the counter, wearing the exact same shirt I was wearing. I looked around the store searching for that poor schlub. There must have been another counter on the other side of the store.

There weren’t any other counters.

There weren’t any other poor schlubs.

The only schlub was me, and holy crap, I was going bald. (Incidentally, that was the last time I stepped into a 7-Eleven.)

Your balding moment of discovery might have been slightly different. Maybe you heard a thwack sound when a raindrop hit your head. That’s not a sound you can ever forget. Maybe you were asked by the DMV clerk if you wanted your hair color listed as bald, or maybe your friend or colleague asked you if you were related to the actor who played Uncle Fester in the Addams Family.

It doesn’t matter how it happened, the point is that knowing you’re going bald is just the first step. You have to learn how to deal with that painful fact.

In her bestselling book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross broke down grieving into five stages: Denial and Isolation, Anger and Rage, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. A balding man also goes through all of those stages as he grieves for his hair loss. In my many years working as a baldologist, I have adapted Kübler-Ross’ theories and techniques for the balding man, and after years of begging and pleading from my beloved baldies, I finally put pen to paper, and created The Balding Handbook.

What if you don’t think you’re a balding man — do you still need the help this book provides? Listen, to be totally blunt, if some mean friend gave you this, you are a balding man. But here’s the funny thing, even though a jerk may have given you this book to mock you, the wisdom in its pages really will help you work through each of those stages of grieving.

I won’t sugarcoat this — there will be some painful moments. But by the time you finish reading The Balding Handbook, you will have found your path to hair salvation. There won’t be anything those jerks can do to hurt you anymore. Come join the rest of us, the balding-self-actualized, as we slowly and methodically take over the world.

Yours in baldness,

David F. Stern

MBA (Master of Bald Advocacy), and

BhD (Honorary Doctor of Baldology)


Denial & Isolation

In a lot of ways, this first stage of grieving is the most tragic because many of our balding brothers never get past it. You’ve seen those poor suckers yourself, with their ridiculous hats, combovers, plugs, and pieces, but have you ever really thought about how other people see you?

Buckle up, my friend, before you turn the page. This entire section could be one big hand mirror. Don’t smash it. It could give you seven years of bad luck.


Hats: The Bald Man’s Crack

I wasn’t even there when you used that first time, but tell me if this sounds familiar at all. You were about to leave for a party and you saw it lying on the coffee table. It had been lying around the house

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