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    Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t
    Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t
    Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t
    Ebook179 pages2 hours

    Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t

    By Messie Condo

    4/5

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    About this ebook

    Even you can get your sh*t together!

    Tidy the F*ck Up is a funny, down-to-earth parody of Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, where you’ll be handed the most useful tools for keeping your crap clean and organized without all the pressure. 
     
    In this book, you’ll discover useful ways to figure out what to do with your sh*tpiles in an approachable, care-free way, and you’ll say farewell to the hair-pulling stress of marathon cleaning. Tossing all your junk in a closet doesn’t make it any less of a clusterf*ck, but approaching it little by little and making use of some helpful hints can do a world of wonders for all your sh*t, the comfort of your space, and your general sanity. With this hilarious guide, you’ll learn how to:
    • Become a decision-making bad*ss
    • Get rid of the sh*t you don’t need and keep the sh*t you do
    • Live life after a clusterf*ck!
    • And more!
    With a lighthearted tone that the finest sailors would admire, Tidy the F*ck Up will help you make your house a f*cking home.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRacehorse
    Release dateMay 28, 2019
    ISBN9781631585456
    Author

    Messie Condo

    Messie Condo is an organizational savant and devoted swearer. When her favorite label-maker broke, she tossed it the f*ck out and never went back. She lives in New Jersey, where she writes and organizes sh*t on the regular.

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    Reviews for Tidy the F*ck Up

    4/5

    21 ratings3 reviews

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    • 1/5
      It's just like every other home organizing book, but with swearing.
    • 5/5
      I loved this. I’ve been struggling on my own for a long time to try and get my house in order. Reading this while I cleaned was like having a supportive potty-mouthed friend to chat with while I tackled the various tasks on my own. I felt encouraged to ask my family for help and to be brave about throwing things or giving them away. I’m not done with cleaning and organizing the whole house (I still have my basement waiting for me) but I’m on my way to having a domestic space that feels more like what I want. I know there are other cleaning books available and I’m sure I’ll read lots of them while I learn how to handle the home front (I grew up without this kind of knowledge handed down to me. Seems unbelievable to some but it happens more often than you might think in homes where kids are raised, for whatever reason, with neglect). I read lots of cleaning articles online before delving into a book so some of the references (like folding sheets and storing them in a pillowcase), I would not have understood without that prior information (I have a lovely, functional linen closet now and plan to keep it that way). I feel more confident reading the non-parody version without feeling too bad about myself. Thank you!

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      Best home organising book I've read. Got half the house done already!

      2 people found this helpful

    Book preview

    Tidy the F*ck Up - Messie Condo

    1

    Why Can’t You Get Your Sh*t Together?

    It’s not that you don’t know how, it’s that you don’t want to

    Organization isn’t magic, it’s work. When you work all day, you damn sure don’t want to come home and do more work. And if you work at home (stay-at-home parents and caretakers obviously included), you probably just throw your hands up in surrender at a certain point because you’re constantly surrounded by the mess and don’t have the time or energy to deal with it. At the end of the day, you just need a fucking break.

    I get it. We all get it. But exhaustion and overwhelm aren’t the only roadblocks to getting your shit together. When you get right down to it, human beings are just lazy. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? We all have a problem: we don’t want to do one more thing than we absolutely have to.

    And thanks to endless innovation (on the part of people who give just enough fucks to create technology that caters to their own laziness), we find new ways to be lazy every day. Don’t feel like going out to eat? Open an app and order in. You don’t even have to talk to another human! Can’t be bothered to go shopping for your nephew’s birthday present? Well hello there, free two-day shipping!

    But unless you have the money to pay someone else to clean up after you, you can’t lazy your way out of organizing. And here’s the secret: no professional organizer worth her salt will do the work for you anyway. Not only will the organization not stick, but God forbid she throws out your favorite tee shirt from eighth grade and you Yelp her into oblivion.

    If you’re ready to work and need the emotional support of an expert (or a good, swift kick in the ass), then it’s money well spent. But you’re going to have to get your hands dirty either way. So you have to want it. Marie Kondo herself can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. You have to decide you’re sick of your own shit and that you’re going to do something about it.

    The moral of the story is that you’re never going to feel like it. But you’re a grown-ass adult, so do it anyway. Commit to getting your shit together. At the end of the day, it’s still a lazy person’s goal. You’re not running a 5K or curing cancer. Tidying up is a simple act of self-care, like meditation or a DIY pedicure (complete with pumice scrub). You may find the process a little uncomfortable, but the work is worth the result.

    A tidying marathon will make you hate tidying

    Can you think of anything worse than spending an entire weekend cleaning out your house? How about forcing yourself to do it at warp speed with no breaks just so you can finish it before starting your work week on Monday? Sound like fun?

    Nope. That sounds fucking miserable. And in reality, it’s not going to help you avoid ever having to tidy up again. Rebound is annoying, but it’s also just life. Even if you give your shoes a cozy little home in the hall closet, you’re still going to leave them in the middle of the living room more often than not. Because laziness.

    So how do you avoid taking two steps back for every step forward? Do the fucking work. Rebound isn’t a result of tidying in dribs and drabs. It happens when you half-ass the work. And you’re certainly more likely to half-ass your organizing efforts if you’re exhausted from marathon tidying.

    Half-assing the work looks like throwing your crap in a closet or shoving it under the bed just so it’s not in your face. The mess is still there, it’s just haunting your closet now like the Ghost of Outlet-Shopping Past. You still have to deal with it at some point. (In case you were wondering, leaving the mess for someone else to clean up after you leave or die is a dick move. You made the mess, you clean it up.)

    Doing the work means really looking at each and every item and taking the time to think about whether you need it and where might be the best place for it. Sometimes the best place for it is nowhere near your house. Letting that shit go and organizing what’s left can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, which is why you’ll need some downtime. Maybe some caffeine. Definitely chocolate.

    Occasionally, like a swallow to Capistrano, something you’ve organized finds its way back to its original mess. Maybe you half-assed it, or maybe you just got it wrong. You’re human. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up—just try again. The more you do the work, the easier it will become, and the less often you’ll have to do it twice. Chalk it up to the tidying learning curve.

    With the amount of crap Americans amass every year, it’s probably impossible to tidy in one go anyway. Don’t waste your time worrying about doing the impossible. Do what you can, when you can. As long as you’re committed to getting your shit together, you’ll get there.

    A little at a time is still something, so take the fucking win

    Human beings are hardwired to want instant gratification. Imagine walking into the clusterfuck that is your kids’ playroom and walking out of a perfectly organized space just a few hours later. Great, right?

    Great if you’re actually going to put in the work: gathering up everything that belongs in the playroom, fighting with your four-year-old over toys he hasn’t touched in a year, sneaking those toys out of the house in the middle of the night, corralling what’s left, and organizing it into a system both of you can enjoy. Sure, there’s nothing like going full Tasmanian devil on a task and seeing the fruits of your labor sooner rather than later. But I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

    And isn’t instant gratification what got you into this mess in the first place? Your son needed that toy, and you needed to avoid a tantrum in the middle of Target. You can’t really blame him—you needed that But first, coffee tee. (We’ll deal with your ever-expanding tee shirt collection later.)

    First of all, stop impulse-buying unnecessary shit. Second, lower your fucking standards. A perfectly clean and organized space is a win for you? Who are you, Martha Stewart? Time to find gratification in the little things.

    The good news is that you already know how to do this. When you order something online, you don’t get to enjoy the item right that minute. The gratification comes from pressing the place your order button and knowing your new meat thermometer is on its way. When you start dieting, you don’t get washboard abs overnight (OK, or ever). The gratification comes from seeing that number on the scale go down a little bit every day. If you can’t stop and appreciate the little wins, you’ll never make it to the big ones.

    So you get all of your kids’ crap into one room and you’re not stepping on Legos in the living room anymore. That’s a win! You go through your overflowing tee-shirt drawer and pull out five to donate (and then actually take them to the box and donate them). Win! Every little bit brings you closer to a tidy room.

    Of course, you don’t want to feel like all you do is tidy up. Designate days on and days off. In my house, Thursday nights are sacred. The only thing on my to-do list is to sit my ass on the couch and watch three hours of ABC’s finest programming—wine and popcorn optional.

    Whether you want to go through your house like a tornado, or you can only handle five minutes before you start spiraling about your spending habits, you do you. Don’t get discouraged if you can’t tackle everything at once. It all counts.

    Screw perfection—aim for happy

    Do we not have enough fucking pressure in our lives? Apparently, the inventors of social media felt we needed a little more motivation. Just when you thought you couldn’t feel worse about yourself, your college bestie posts a picture of the Pinterest-worthy unicorn cupcakes she just whipped up for her five-year-old’s bake sale. Where the hell does Becky find the time?

    Then you scroll down and see pics of Sarah’s perfectly coordinated farmhouse décor. You look around at your untamed mess and you’re ready to throw in the towel before you even begin. Why even try, right? You’re never going to be as perfect as they are.

    Well, I have good news for you! Perfection is bullshit. People only show you what they want you to see: a carefully curated collection of moments meant to impress. And even if Becky didn’t buy those cupcakes and Sarah didn’t hire a designer (though they totally did), everyone’s amazing at something. You included.

    And when you think about it, perfection ain’t so great anyway. Chrissy Teigen didn’t win the hearts of more than 22 million Instagram followers because she’s perfect (though if anyone is . . .). People follow her because she’s happy. Her posts show her celebrating wins and laughing at goofs, and her joy is tangible through it all. And people eat it up with a Chrissy-Teigen-designed spoon, because happy is so much better than

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