Breathe Again: How to Live Well When Life Falls Apart

If you are struggling with what your life looks like right now, this book offers real help and tangible hope. Niki writes with empathy, humor, and gut-level honesty. You’ll find a friend within these pages.

Sheila Walsh, cohost of Life Today and author of It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Where is God in the midst of your pain? What happens when you’re too tired and exhausted to pray? Whatever you’re going through (the death of a loved one, an illness, a divorce, etc.), it’s comforting to know that you’re not alone. Niki Hardy has been through the valley of the shadow of death and eloquently unfolds her powerful story with raw, vulnerable honesty that cuts to the heart of the human condition. I would recommend this book to anyone going through a health crisis and to anyone struggling with the issue of real, active faith in the midst of a silent, raging tempest.

JD Chandler, national media personality, K-LOVE Radio Network

"Filled with life-giving hope, practical help, and the perfect blend of real-life humor we need when life falls apart! This book holds the truth we need and the companionship of the friend we want to walk through days that leave us gasping for air and seasons that make us wonder how we’ll ever survive. Through the death of loved ones, her own battle with cancer, and one hard thing after another, Niki asked God tough questions and fought to find the answers we all need. I highly recommend Breathe Again! I’m getting a copy to keep and a few to give away, and you should too!"

Renee Swope, bestselling author of A Confident Heart and former radio cohost, Proverbs 31 Ministries

"Niki Hardy is the voice you need to hear when life goes the opposite of what you imagined. I’m buying Breathe Again in bulk to stock our arsenal of books that we keep around to give away to friends and family. This book is a gift."

Myquillyn Smith, Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Cozy Minimalist Home

This is a gem of a book—just as its author is a gem of a person. Niki is vulnerable and real about pain and suffering, whether her own or others’, but she doesn’t leave us there. She points us back to God and gives us spiritual encouragement and some down-to-earth practices that we can engage in if we want to thrive and not just survive the tough times. A must-read for anyone who feels they are in a pit of any kind right now—or anyone who ever has been or will be, which just about covers us all, I think.

John Peters, rector of St. Mary’s, Bryanston Square, London, England

My friend Niki knows firsthand what it’s like to feel like everything is falling apart, and somehow, in the midst of it all, draw closer to God. Niki leads us on a journey that will take each one of us straight to the feet of Jesus. And she does it with stunning vulnerability, biblical truth, and even humor. (Reading along, I couldn’t help but laugh as I imagined her, with her British accent, talking about her bum, the loo, and rubbish.) I would recommend this beautiful book to anyone who doesn’t simply want to survive but to rise up and thrive.

Jennifer Dukes Lee, author of It’s All Under Control and The Happiness Dare

"We never expect hard times to happen. But they do. And sometimes those times get really hard! And then we don’t like it. We struggle. We wrestle with God. We wonder where he is. Niki has been there. She has struggled and wrestled and wondered. And God showed up. He found her. She found him. And she not only survived . . . she thrived. In a realistic way and without relying on clichés, Breathe Again points us to find God in life’s toughest places. If you are struggling, you can tell that Niki ‘gets it.’ And then you can tell that God showed up in down-to-earth ways that grounded her and gave her life. Breathe Again shares in concrete ways how God showed up and what Niki did in that journey. Her honesty and practicality are refreshing. If you are in a ‘hole,’ God can speak to you through Breathe Again."

Palmer Trice, founder and former director of The Barnabas Center in Charlotte, NC

"Breathe Again is a healing salve for life-weary readers. With a unique combination of practicality and beauty, Niki travels with us . . . addressing the hard questions we have . . . helping us get to a place of greater understanding, acceptance, freedom, and joy. This book is important. It is an evergreen resource I will keep close to recommend often."

Lisa Whittle, author, Bible teacher, podcast host of Jesus Over Everything

"Maybe you’re walking through a hard place in your life right now. Niki Hardy’s Breathe Again is like holding the hand of a trusted friend who guides you through the tough stuff. She doesn’t flinch from the lonely and soul-kicking moments when you can barely take the next breath. Why? Because she has been there herself and come out on the other side. Niki reminds us that no matter how deep our sorrow, Jesus is deeper still. But she doesn’t leave us with platitudes. She seasons her story with prayer, Scripture, and practical tools to keep us moving so we don’t get stuck in our pain."

Marilynn Chadwick, author of Sometimes He Whispers, Eight Great Ways to Honor Your Husband, and Woman of Valor

"Delivered with transparency, honesty, and vulnerability, Breathe Again provides practical, interactive tools that will equip you to live well when your life is shattered. Don’t read this book merely for information; instead, read this book with a commitment to apply those tools to your own life."

Anna LeBaron, author of The Polygamist’s Daughter: A Memoir

Niki Hardy will have you laughing and crying your way to healing. Perhaps the healing won’t occur physically or relationally or circumstantially. Maybe nothing will change at all except you . . . as you learn to breathe again.

Wendy Speake, author of multiple books, including The 40-Day Sugar Fast and Triggers

"If you’re drowning in overwhelming anxiety or fear because of a life-altering crisis or change, Niki is the friend steering toward you in the lifeboat that is this book. With warmth, humor, and tell-it-like-it-is honesty, Niki’s words are a kind companion within your circumstances. Breathe Again is the place where your unanswered questions and unresolved emotions meet God’s abundant presence. Read this book and know you’re not alone."

Kristen Strong, author of Back Roads to Belonging and Girl Meets Change

"Everyone loves a good story, and Niki Hardy is a wonderful storyteller. Weaving real-life dramatic accounts of bravehearted souls who put the pieces back together in the midst of their pain, Niki shines light on the difficulties and rewards of resilience. And she does this brilliantly from a well-balanced biblical perspective. In Breathe Again Niki inspires us to believe our shattering losses are not our final chapters and in the process helps us to embrace our suffering. Sadly, a lot of people don’t come back after loss because the journey is too daunting. Niki Hardy has personally climbed out of the pit of despair. Breathe Again is her story of the road out."

Aaron Früh, author of Bounce

"When life knocks you down, you don’t need platitudes, you need straightforward practices to help you through. Breathe Again provides needed empathy from and for those acquainted with pain. With wit and candor, Hardy equips those who are hurting to face each day as a Thriver."

Katie M. Reid, national speaker and author of Made Like Martha: Good News for the Woman Who Gets Things Done

Niki’s encouragement to literally breathe again is a call to intention. As believers, it’s easy to stumble and then attempt to thrive, but Niki offers permission-giving practices to truly live again. And again. A humble, witty read that compels us toward truth and offers gulps of grace-air.

Bekah Pogue, author of Choosing REAL, Pasture founder, spiritual director-in-training, soul listener at bekahpogue.com

© 2019 by Niki Hardy

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-1788-9

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations labeled ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2016

Scripture quotations labeled MSG are from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Scripture quotations labeled TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

The author is represented by MacGregor & Luedeke Literary

To Mum and Jo

You led the way.

You showed me how.

I miss you.

Every day.

To Al

My best friend, my hubby, my partner in crime, my HB.

No matter what life chucks our way,

you’re the man I want to live it with.

Thank you for believing in me.

I love you.

To my beans—James, Sophie, and Emma

Remember these three things, always:

God loves you desperately.

So do I.

And wherever life takes you,

the flapjack tin will always be waiting, full.

I love you . . . more.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4 ESV

Contents

Cover    1

Endorsements    2

Title Page    5

Copyright Page    6

Dedication    7

Epigraph    8

I’m Sorry You’re Here . . . No Wait, I Take That Back    11

Part 1:  Finding Solid Ground    21

1. Rubbish We Believe When the Poop Hits the Fan    23

It’s all my fault, God’s angry, and now he’s vanished

2. The Truth We Need When Our World Is Rocked    37

Life doesn’t have to be pain-free to be full

3. Practice Makes Better, Not Perfect    57

Part 2:  Learning to Breathe Again    67

4. Choose Brave    69

It doesn’t have to be big

5. Trust God    87

He’s got impeccable credentials

6. Find Community    107

Thriving is a team sport

7. Be Vulnerable    123

Stiff upper lips need ChapStick

8. Embrace the Journey    139

Even the detours, diversions, and dead ends

9. Practice Gratitude    157

For the rubble, not just the rubies

10. Reach Out    175

It might just save you

Part 3:  Keep Calm and Breathe On    193

11. Now What?    195

Have tools, will travel

The Thriver’s Manifesto    205

Gifts    207

From me to you, with love

Resources    209

Where can I find help with . . . ?

Acknowledgments    211

Because I can’t fit a hundred names on the cover

Notes    215

Who said what, where

About the Author    219

Niki’s sensible(ish) bio

Back Cover    223

I’m Sorry You’re Here . . .

No Wait, I Take That Back

In this world you will have trouble.

John 16:33

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

I’d been home less than twenty-four hours when I got the call from my sister, Claire. It was time. I’d hardly been back home in Oxford, England, long enough to throw anything in the wash or put my suitcase back in the attic, but it was time. Time to head back to Vancouver, Canada, to my mum’s house, where she’d lived since marrying my stepfather nearly twenty years earlier. She’d been battling aggressive, small-cell lung cancer for the last year, and I’d just spent two precious weeks visiting her. How could it be time? Had things deteriorated that fast?

I chucked some mismatched clothes and my wash bag back into my suitcase, landed a firm but quick oh-my-goodness-I’ve-got-to-go peck on Al’s cheek followed by one for each of the kids, and then dashed back to the majestic coast of the Pacific Northwest.

Mum was barely conscious by the time I arrived at the hospital, yet she appeared to have been waiting for me, the last of her kids, to arrive. Turning her head as I perched on the edge of the bed, she smiled weakly, the corners of her mouth curling slightly upward, relief filling her eyes.

You made it, she mumbled.

As her breathing became labored and she slipped unconscious, we held her hands and prayed. She passed away as we—my sisters Claire and Jo, and our stepfather with his grown children—looked on helplessly.

In this world you will have trouble . . .

Six short years later, Claire had to make another call. It was time. Again.

With an ominous sense of déjà vu, I went through the motions as if acting in a play I’d rehearsed only once before. Once again it seemed like just a few hours that I’d been home. By then Al and I had moved with our three small kids to Charlotte, North Carolina, to plant CityChurch, and I’d been back in England for a week visiting my sister Jo in Torquay. It was now Jo’s turn to be fighting that same terrifying disease: aggressive small-cell lung cancer. When I’d hugged her goodbye, stroking her soft, fuzzy, chemo-bald head, my bubbly, vivacious chef of a sister may have been a shadow of herself physically, but she’d still been the same old feisty, belligerent girl I knew and loved who could crack a joke like a stand-up comic. How could it be time? Had things deteriorated that quickly?

It was just after Christmas, and we were having a brilliant time sightseeing and freezing our butts off in DC when the international number flashed up on my phone. My stomach lurched. I just knew. I’d thrown my passport into my bag just in case this happened, but it had felt like a betrayal to Jo’s strength to fight on, so I’d studiously ignored the fear warning me to pack my little