Please Be Advised
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About this ebook
Please Be Advised is award-winning author Christine Sneed's bright, irreverent send-up of corporate America in the 21st century. Mixing cultural critique and formal inventiveness with wicked laughs and the sort of surrealistic mysteries only a novel about the corporate world could give us, Please Be Advised tracks the decline
Christine Sneed
Christine Sneed is the author of Little Known Facts. She has a creative writing MFA from Indiana University and teaches creative writing at DePaul University, Northwestern University and Pacific University. Portraits of a Few of the People I've Made Cry won AWP's 2009 Grace Paley Prize in Short Fiction, was a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize, first-fiction category, was named the Chicago Writer's Association Book of the Year, and the recipient of Ploughshares' 2011 first-book prize, the John C. Zacharis Award. It was also long-listed for the Frank O'Connor International Short Story Award and named one of the seven best books of the year by Time Out Chicago. Her stories have appeared or are forthcoming in Best American Short Stories, PEN/O. Henry Prize Stories, Ploughshares, Southern Review, Massachusetts Review, New England Review, Notre Dame Review, and a number of other journals. Visit her website at http://www.christinesneed.com.
Read more from Christine Sneed
Little Known Facts: A Novel Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Virginity of Famous Men Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Portraits of a Few of the People I've Made Cry: Stories Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
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Please Be Advised - Christine Sneed
PLEASE BE ADVISED
_
a novel in memos
Christine Sneed
7.13 Books
Brooklyn
PRAISE
FOR
PLEASE BE ADVISED
Cubicle culture has never been targeted more hilariously than in Sneed's exuberant, totally-told-through-memos tale of the rise and fall of Quest Industries. Sneed unfolds the petty triumphs, the staff shenanigans and the absolute zany weirdness of working in a company that operates more as a dysfunctional family than an industry. Definitely not business as usual—oh no, it’s so much better.
—Caroline Leavitt, New York Times bestselling author of With or Without You
"Has anybody captured the petty power struggles, the absurd awkwardnesses, and the ineffable humiliations of office life as brilliantly and with as much humor as Christine Sneed in her novel-in-memos Please Be Advised? They have not. Make sure you get the memo and read it."
—Kathleen Rooney, author of Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk
"Christine Sneed's Please Be Advised arrives, on the face of it, as a delirious (or is it despondent?) office comedy, but it is only a matter of a few pages before it spirals off into the surreal, becomes as thrillingly disquieting as anything by those twin masters of the American berserk, Donald Antrim and Donald Barthelme. If the workplace is the wellspring of most of our adult unhappiness—and most of our adult inertia—Sneed's book is the fire alarm, the quick hit of acid, the act of righteous vandalism that wakes us up and dispels the nightmare. Seriously funny, and curiously tender beneath all the chaos, Please Be Advised is a delight from end to end."
—Matthew Specktor, author of American Dream Machine and Always Crashing in the Same Car
"Attention, fans of The Office, Dilbert readers, and survivors of corporate culture: Please Be Advised is for you. Christine Sneed has perfectly captured the peculiarities and foibles of the 9-5 cubicle world—from refrigerator thievery to conference room ghosts. This book is great fun."
—Julie Schumacher, author of Dear Committee Members and The Shakespeare Requirement
In the tradition of Joshua Ferris’s Then We Came to the End, Daniel Orozco’s
Orientation, and Julie Schumacher’s Dear Committee Members, Christine Sneed’s Please Be Advised is more than a workplace comedy—it is a journey into the comic absurd. The pettiness, the MBA-speak, the TMI, the gratuitous acronyms and false cheer… the world of the office inbox is all there in its full reply-all apocalyptic glory. To make a solitary reader laugh out loud is one of the hardest tasks a writer can undertake; Sneed accomplishes this feat page after page, memo after memo, vignette after vignette, and emoji after emoji, leaving smile lines on your face and a cathartic joy in your heart.
—Phong Nguyen, author of Bronze Drum and The Adventures of Joe Harper
"Christine Sneed is incontrovertibly one of the best and most exciting novelists of my generation. In the hilarious, bonkers Please Be Advised, her trademark humor takes center stage, to delightful, unputdownable effect. This is a novel that will have you laughing on every page but will also leave you thinking deeply long after you read Sneed’s pitch perfect final words."
—Joanna Rakoff, author of My Salinger Year
PRAISE FOR THE VIRGINITY OF
FAMOUS MEN
These marvelously precise and lucid stories, so rich in psychological insights, so propulsive, switch from funny to wrenching in a heartbeat. Like Ann Beattie, Amy Hempel, and Edith Pearlman, Sneed, as attuned to our buzzing-hive world as she is, writes timeless stories richly human in their empathy and wit, grace, and toughness.
—Booklist (starred review)
This is an absolute gem of a collection, each perfectly formed story encompasses a world.
—The Bookseller (UK) (featured, boxed review)
Only the wild imagination of Christine Sneed could have invented these funny, intimate, and exceptionally moving stories.
—Peter Orner, author of Last Car Over the Sagamore Bridge
Snared by each of the collection’s tragic, comic, quirky and/or quotidian lives . . . the reader tears through page after page and by the end feels not only bereft but ravenous, hungry for more...Fiercely meditative and unnerving short fiction.
—New York Times Book Review
All Rights Reserved
Printed in the United States of America
First Edition
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Selections of up to one page may be reproduced without permission. To reproduce more than one page of any one portion of this book, write to 7.13 Books publisher Leland Cheuk.
Cover art by Gigi Little
Edited by Kurt Baumeister
Copyright ©2022 by Christine Sneed
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
ISBN (paperback): 979-8-9853762-6-5
ISBN (eBook): 979-8-9853762-7-2
LCCN: 2022944595
7.13 Books
www.713books.com
Los Angeles, CA
For special discounted bulk purchases, please contact:
7.13 Books at leland@713books.com
Contact sneedchristine@gmail.com and sheryljohnston@aol.com regarding book events, readings and author signings.
aLSO BY CHRISTINE SNEED
Portraits of a Few of the People I've Made Cry
Little Known Facts
Paris, He Said
The Virginity of Famous Men
For Kim Brun and Rachel Swearingen -
early readers who kept flicking on the light
whenever I turned it off
And for Adam Tinkham, CEO of coffee production,
clutter abatement, and potted plant upkeep
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Date: August 30
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Judith Kemper, Vice President of Marketing
Subj: Lost Cardigan – Please Help!
I seem to have misplaced a very important sweater, and I’m almost certain I left it here in the office on Tuesday. If you have seen my lime green Laura Ashley cardigan, size M, with pearl buttons, a small-to-medium gravy stain on one sleeve (left), and one frayed cuff (right), please tell me where you spotted it, and if this information leads to its recovery, I promise to give you a reward of your choosing, up to $10 in value. I do wish it could be more, but unfortunately, my husband Cornwall and I are on a tight budget this month, due to expenses incurred when a maple tree fell on our car last week during a thunderstorm and a gingko tree, unbelievably, fell on our roof less than an hour later!
What are the odds? And what on heaven and earth is going on with our karma? (Not that I know what exactly karma is, but it does seem as if something strange is going on here.)
By the way, if you choose to forfeit your reward for locating my treasured cardigan in light of Cornie’s and my current financial situation, I will be happy to repay the favor by searching high and low (for up to 15 minutes) if you ever lose anything of sentimental or monetary value in this office. (This offer does not include help finding your bicycle or car, which was probably stolen because how can you not locate something that big and bulky?!)
If anyone here at Quest Industries actually does know how to calculate the odds of a tree falling on your car and another tree falling on your roof less than an hour later, I’d be very interested in hearing what they are. For the math nerds among us, here are some more details:
There was a squirrel’s nest (which, FYI, looks like a big, bushy beard!) in the maple and an unidentified bird’s nest in the gingko. The maple was the first tree to fall, and the godforsaken gingko fell on the roof approximately 45 minutes later. The trees were on opposite sides of the front yard and did not have overlapping root systems, as far as I know. Also, according to my mother-in-law, the gingko was haunted.
On an unrelated note, if you’re the person(s) gorging yourself on the Lifesavers I keep in the dish on my desk, please be kind enough to replace them from time to time. As you can tell from the above, I am not rich. (Not even close!) And therefore I would greatly appreciate it if some of the cheapskates in this office would pony up a dollar or two for a bag (5 Flavors variety) once in a friggin’ while!
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Date: September 2
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Mid-Level Management
Subj: In-Office Footwear Policy
Please be advised that you are required to wear shoes at all times in the office. To clarify: working barefoot or in your socks is against company policy.
Flip-flops and any other open-toed shoes and sandals including Tevas, mules, Birkenstocks, jelly shoes, and huaraches are not permitted.
No bedroom slippers are permitted.
Tap shoes are not permitted under any circumstances.
Clogs are permitted, but only on Wednesdays and Thursdays during months that include the letter y.
Reebok high-tops are also permitted, but only on Fridays.
Other high-top athletic shoes are not allowed in the office, on any day, even if they are vintage.
Earth shoes are permitted for employees of Scandinavian descent with bunions.
Pampooties are permitted on Tuesdays.
The rustic wooden shoes of northern Spain, e.g. the cantabrian albarca, are permitted on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Ballet shoes are permitted on Mondays, Tuesdays, and the last Friday of the month.
Winklepickers are permitted on Mondays and Thursdays from October through March.
Brothel creepers are not permitted, unless you are President Bryan Stokerly, Esq. or receive permission to wear them from President Stokerly, Esq.
Moccasins are permitted, but only for employees over 5’7" tall.
Combat boots are permitted, but only on the 11th day of the month, starting at 11 AM.
Tsarouchi, a Turkish-inspired shoe of antiquity, are permitted at any time as long as yours were not purchased on eBay with a company credit card.
Kung fu shoes are permitted for employees who are not afflicted by fallen arches.
On a related note, we must also ask that everyone observe consistent personal hygiene practices and avoid bathing in or drinking water from ditches and puddles, due to a recent (but very mild) cholera outbreak in the men’s bathroom, along with, unfortunately, a severe spate of athlete’s foot. We have not yet been able to pinpoint the party or parties responsible for the contamination, but trust that we are working on it.
If you would like antibiotics to treat cholera or a free bottle of medicinal foot powder, please see Kimberly Sweet in Payroll, who has a large supply of pharmaceuticals in her voluminous purse. She also has a spider plant and a small ficus she is looking to give, free of charge, to anyone who can offer them a good home. (They cannot be separated, however—you must take both. No exceptions!)
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Date: September 6
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Lower-Level Management
Subj: Live Plant Policy
A short note on office guidelines for potted plants and floral bouquets (which Kimberly Sweet has insisted we stop putting off sending to you, being the plant advocate she is):
a) If you enjoy the company of a potted plant at your desk, please water it as needed in order to keep it from becoming an unsightly and dispiriting brown heap of tendrils, leaves, stalks, stems, pistils, stamens, husks, pods, and/or roots.
b) If you have received a bouquet and are keeping it at your desk, please do not, under any circumstances, balance it on the edge of your cubicle wall where it will inevitably be bumped and dislodged by a passing coworker and crash down upon his/her person, potentially resulting in grievous injury, and in some cases, death or dismemberment.
c) Cacti are not permitted inside or within 500 feet of our offices. We regret this exclusion, but due to an incident that occurred last spring on these premises with a visiting Austrian dignitary, we must outlaw all cacti at Quest Industries.
In fairness to the cactus involved in the incident, it is possibly true that the Austrian dignitary is an extremely clumsy individual. Nonetheless, in order to avoid future incidents, no members of the cacti genus are permitted anywhere on or near our property.
d) Some plants are known to attract various airborne insects; for example, gnats and a mysterious species with flea-like characteristics have been sighted in recent weeks swarming the three potted plants on Bill Dubonski’s desk. Bill has ungrudgingly addressed this situation with great success by spraying his miniature money tree, potted ivy, and a mongrel breed of flowering plant with water containing a mild detergent.
No gnats or flea-like creatures have been spotted for the past four days swarming his cubicle or any neighboring cubicles. With 72 hours’ advance notice, Bill has informed us that he is willing to offer his special spray bottle to anyone in the office who might require it. Thank you, Bill.
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Date: September 12
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Ted Kluck, Junior Partner, Gounes and Flinderman LLC
Subj: New Doughnut Policy
This memorandum serves as your formal notice that forthwith and without exception, all doughnuts that appear in Quest Industries’ communal spaces must be shared with everyone. Quest doughnuts may not be thrown into the trash due to someone’s punitive relationship with food, hoarded at anyone’s desk, or resold on the neighboring streets to children and dimwitted tourists.
This memorandum does not serve, however, as an endorsement of doughnut-eating in general. Doughnuts are widely considered by licensed nutritionists and other healthcare professionals to be a source of empty calories, if not an outright danger to one’s health due to the manner in which they cause one’s blood sugar to spike and subsequently plummet with life-threatening swiftness.
We are cognizant of the fact they are extremely delicious treats, but nevertheless advise you to consume them infrequently and with humility.
Please direct any questions about this matter to President Bryan Stokerly’s executive assistant, Hannah-Louise Schmidt, not to me, i.e. Ted Kluck. This is my last day in Chicago for the foreseeable future, as I am heading to Washington, D.C. where I will be serving on a federal grand jury focused on corporate malfeasance, offshore banking, red light camera abuses, money laundering, and rooftop gardens.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
Date: September 13
To: All Quest Industries Employees
From: Mid-Level Management
Subj: Workplace Decorum, Etc.
It has recently come to our attention that certain individuals in this office have been spilling coffee on the countertop near the microwave and not cleaning it up. As most of you are aware, these coffee puddles, once dried, can result in permanent staining of the new yellow Formica in the employee kitchen, a material we chose because, to be candid, it was on sale, and because our contractor, who turned out to be something of a bully, was tired of our waffling.
It has likewise come to our attention that unwashed mugs are now routinely being left in the sink by the aforementioned individuals who shall remain nameless unless they continue to behave like conscienceless slobs. All mugs must be washed and placed in the drying rack by the end of the workday. If these folks do not reform their ways, we will all pay a hefty price for their lazy, neglectful behavior.
Please be advised that no one in this office, as far as we know, is your mother! The employee kitchen is a communal space for relaxing and enjoying a nutritious meal. It likewise offers us the opportunity, every single day, to show our best selves.
The Kitchen Rules of Conduct are, and have always been, posted on the cupboard door to the left of the sink. One detail you might not yet have noticed is that this sign was laminated after the recent purchase of an appallingly overpriced laminating machine on the advice of Dottie Flowers, our otherwise beloved Office