You've Got To Be Kidding!: How to Keep Your Job Without Losing Your Integrity

Preface

Iwas recently in Gillette, Wyoming, getting ready to present a citywide Office Ethics Workshop, and I was delighted to see a group of employees from a local mining company enter the room. Several rugged-looking coal miners dropped themselves into the front row, arms crossed, and looked me over with a what-the-heck-am-I-doing-here attitude!

Nevertheless, they soon warmed up. They were great contributors, especially to the lively discussions at the tables about real-world case studies. One miner’s comments were particularly poignant. He cornered me during a coffee break to profusely thank me for the session. He went on to say that he and his buddies hadn’t wanted to come to the workshop and wondered why their boss had insisted they attend. Then, tears welled up in his eyes, and he said, Nan, at about 11:00 this morning, you hit on the exact ethical dilemma I have been struggling with for months. And now I know how to proceed!

I was surprised and, of course, wanted to hear more. But he was gone before I could ask him what his dilemma was, and, later on, we were surrounded by attendees that made it difficult for him to share. Though the moment had passed, the pained look in his eyes stayed with me.

This coal miner personifies what I believe to be our collective reality today: everyone faces ethical dilemmas from time to time, even when their office is in the bowels of the Wyoming mountains.

My first book, You Want Me To Do WHAT?: When, Where, and How to Draw the Line at Work (Simon & Schuster, 1998), helped administrative professionals—the artists formerly known as secretaries—resolve their most common ethical dilemmas. As someone who’s been there/done that myself, I’ve been a champion of the admin profession throughout my office ethics training programs. In my mind, the person in this particular role is in one of the best positions to improve office ethics. Because they’re usually in the middle of the action, they have lots of leverage to influence coworkers’ behavior by virtue of simply being a good role model. I am extremely proud to hear that the book has become something of a must-have bible for all admins.

I find myself writing this book today because admins—and everyone else in the workforce, miners included—tell me they still get stuck by ethical dilemmas in the workplace, and there are plenty of new ones out there to drive us crazy. I am the number one advocate for the Ethical Office—no matter what kind of office you work in. I am happy to see that admins are being treated more often as the professionals they are. However, I am worried that we don’t yet fully understand that being a professional also means living up to a stricter code of ethics and being 100 percent accountable for our actions—no exceptions.

I’ve written this book to help with that. There’s no preaching or finger-wagging here because I know you’re smart enough to draw your own conclusions from the stories. I also know that ethical dilemmas are causing more stress because the ranks of employees left standing after recent rounds of layoffs are stretched pretty thin. This stress hits productivity—and profits—hard. Based on my seminars, the so-called Great Recession seems to have brought a lot of ethically suspect situations to a boil all at once, thereby forcing many people—admins and nonadmins alike—to choose between their ethics and job security.

This book invites you to help me expand the national dialogue about what it will take for us to build a culture of ethical offices. Everyone who works with others makes choices about how to treat their coworkers, so every one of us can contribute. If we want more ethical offices and all the benefits that come from that environment, we need to up the ante and tackle the tough what if questions before a crisis of conscience overwhelms and paralyzes us.

As it has with my ethics training, this book has morphed into guidance for all employees in the workplace. I witness more and more people who find themselves in the ethical crossfire of business activities. It’s simply become a fact of professional life! Together, we can learn to navigate the thorny and often treacherous minefield of ethical choices employees face today.

This is a how-to handbook for the practical resolution of common workplace ethical dilemmas. I hope you find it useful, even indispensable. I am especially hopeful for those of you worried about keeping your job during these difficult times, in perhaps the toughest job market in decades. I know that employees everywhere are feeling the pressure to accomplish more with fewer resources, so the temptation to cut corners is ever present.

We are making significant progress toward our goal of more ethical offices. The time during which we will be tested is when it’s most essential to stand up for what we know is true: doing the right thing is best for business success (and your own personal success) in the long run. To those asking, "Is it possible to keep my ethics and my job?, I say, Yes, it is—and, yes, you can!"

Introduction Why Do We Care about Ethics in the Workplace?

Are We Really That Vulnerable? More than Ever Today!

Nan, why do I need ethics training anyhow? I’m ethical, my boss is ethical—in fact, the whole darn company is ethical!

I love to hear this question because it means managers aspire to run an ethical ship, and most employees want to get on board!

But I am a realist. Human relationships—and the ethics that guide our conduct—are dynamic, unscripted, and imperfect. As certain as you are that you, your boss, and your company live in a state of grace, I’m equally certain that you and your company will be surprised time and again by moral dilemmas. This is the nature of the workplace, where personal ambition, organizational goals, egos, and work styles compete. To the extent that this competition is offset by cooperation, you will have more or less of an ethical office. But, because people are people, ethical dilemmas will always exist. This book can help you prepare for their inevitable—and hopefully infrequent—occurrence.

Let’s review the basics. An ethical dilemma occurs when we must choose between two negatives, for example, disobey our boss or defy our conscience. The costs can be high: Dilemmas cause stress that hurts our personal health and productivity, while the company’s reputation and profits eventually suffer as well. Dilemmas can cost us our jobs and put us behind bars. And since everyone has a boss (even top executives have to answer to boards of directors, shareholders, and their financial institutions), no one is beyond a dilemma. Our never-sleep business environment often means that ethical dilemmas come at us too quickly to take time for mature reflection. We’re usually forced to make a decision and take immediate action, before the ax falls or the dam bursts.

What did it look like when you first encountered an ethical dilemma at work? Was it when you were asked to fudge an answer to someone on the phone? When you were asked to falsify attendance or inventory or expense account records? Was it when you were tempted to show favoritism to a vendor because of a gift? Were you on the wrong side of a lawsuit because of a breach of client confidentiality or computer security? Maybe you had your reputation shredded by gossip and innuendo, or you were the last one standing in a take-no-prisoners financial scheme?

These are a few of the more egregious dilemmas that will hopefully never cross your work threshold. However, there are somewhat more minor daily situations that frequently challenge your ethical and moral standards. Ethical dilemmas come in all shapes, sizes, and dollar amounts—and can occur when you least expect them.

Admins Have Always Been in the Middle of the Action

Administrative professionals do not work in isolation—far from it, in fact. They see coworkers, bosses, vendors, and customers being their best and worst selves. Because they could be deemed the nerve center of the office, they’re usually among the first responders to a mess. Anyone who manages to keep their ethics without losing their job is a hero in my book!

As a pioneer in the workplace ethics field, I’ve had a front-row seat to a parade of ethical dilemmas, especially those administrative professionals encounter. I myself was an executive assistant to a CEO for years, and then had the privilege and good fortune to lead the International Association of Administrative Professionals. As international president and a six-year member of the board of directors, I was privy to the big-picture challenges we faced behind closed doors. Some of the stories I heard would shock and anger you. You would probably ask—as I often did—"What planet are these people on?"

The legal protections against discrimination and harassment were not always present, and a lot of tears were shed for the wrong reasons. In 1981, I helped our association write and adopt the first code of ethics for the administrative profession. It was a defining milestone that signaled to the world that we have the same responsibility—and deserve the same respect—as other professionals.

I launched my executive assistant search firm during this time. I also began to present my ethics workshops and keynote presentations to companies, organizations, associations and educational institutions that had become aware of their office ethics problems and wished to change their culture by incorporating my principles of the Ethical Office. This is when I really got an earful. Indeed, some of the ethical (or unethical) situations seminar participants related would set your hair on fire. Gradually, I saw the patterns of dysfunction that made corporate cultures toxic and unethical.

I poured everything I’d learned into my first book, You Want Me To Do WHAT?: When, Where, and How to Draw the Line at Work (Simon & Schuster, 1998). It was a true labor of love that, I hope, helped a lot of people. I also authored several international surveys of admins to get an accurate measurement of what was going on in the trenches at companies of all types and sizes. The results grabbed a lot of headlines because they reflected both qualitative and quantitative dimensions.

Then, almost overnight, it seemed that employees at all levels of responsibility were finding themselves on the witness stands! Enron … Martha Stewart … WorldCom … Arthur Andersen … Bernie Madoff and dozens of other Ponzi schemes became emblematic of scandals in the headlines. Suddenly, workplace ethics became a part of the national discussion as we all wondered, How could these people do what they did?

Fast-forward to today. Unscrupulous behavior has become a mainstay of the blogosphere and the 24-hour news cycle, and falls from grace regularly occur in the political, environmental, medical, educational, and commercial work world. Codes of ethics and conduct can be found from large companies on through the mom-and-pops. Job descriptions have been written for the newest type of organizational leader, the ethics director. Hot lines to report ethical lapses are common; so are point persons designated to handle ethical dilemmas and do’s and don’ts in expanded employee handbooks. The number of colleges and universities with ethics curriculums has grown from less than 10 to more than 300 in less than a decade. And ethics training has become the most popular training on the professional development docket.

Everyone Now Gets It!

Unlike my previous title, this book lands in a we get it climate. Not only are employees recognizing their accountability and resulting vulnerability in the workplace today, but employers are recognizing the same as well. By using real-world examples—some ripped from current headlines—this book will increase awareness of ethics in the workplace in the twenty-first century—from both the employee’s and employer’s perspective. This is an employee- and employer-friendly book.

You’ve Got To Be Kidding! is filled with comments and stories from my OfficePro column readers, seminar attendees, and talk show call-ins, all of which reflect the many ethical dilemmas with which employees and employers alike struggle. Some participants have identified themselves while others are given a false first name because they wished to remain anonymous. But all of these stories are taken from real-life experiences. My husband, Lou, says I am now unshockable because I’ve heard it all before.

However, I’m not so sure. I am still surprised by the things people do at work. Stuff happens; people are still people, and they sometimes behave badly. French novelist Alphonse Karr put it this way: The more things change, the more they remain the same.

I’m Optimistic

Though this book has a few snapshots from the past, it focuses mostly on the future. I refuse to resign myself to the fact that people will always disappoint and misbehaving companies will always deny. I have witnessed firsthand what can happen when improvements take hold, and I assert that we are much closer to the universal Ethical Office than ever before. Never mind that we still have a ways to go; you care, and your bosses care, and that’s more than a good start. Together, we make zillions of small, everyday decisions to do the right thing, and this truly makes a difference.

This book is for everyone trying to do the right thing and keep their job. It is packed with ideas, suggestions, tools, and strategies to help you see the ethical problems in your workplace and remodel to fix them. What might appear at first glance to be a lose-lose scenario (e.g., lie and keep your job or be honest and lose your job) doesn’t have to be. This book offers many suggestions to handle your current ethical dilemmas—and possibly head off future problems.

Yes, these stories reflect the tough dilemmas employees face. But, more important, they reveal the ways in which office professionals—regardless of title—are solving these problems. Their stories will make you proud and ratchet up the ethics IQ of your coworkers, your bosses, the people you supervise, and your employers. As we become collectively better at recognizing and resolving our ethical dilemmas at work, we will all enjoy a higher, more sustainable quality of life, do a better job of serving our customers, and improve our bottom lines. Doing the right thing is good for business after all.

Gertrude Stein once said: "The difference—to be a difference— must make a difference." You—just by focusing on ethics in the workplace today—are making that difference!

We are being the change we want to see!

—Mahatma Gandhi

Part I

Take Care of Yourself

1

When Morals Become Ethics

Your Beliefs Become Your Behaviors

Whatever we want our children to be, we should become ourselves.

—Carl Jung

A gentleman stood up in one of my citywide seminars in Knoxville, Tennessee, that many University of Tennessee students were attending. He announced that he was only speaking to the young people in the audience and went on to tell the story below. I’m so glad he did:

I had just graduated from college and had my first job with an oil company in Oklahoma City 25 years ago. Jobs were scarce at the time, and I especially needed mine because my wife was pregnant. My boss called me into his office one day and gave me two envelopes—one with a round-trip ticket to Phoenix, the other with $10,000 in cash. He told me to fly to Phoenix and give the envelope to the chief of a Native American reservation in the area. I don’t know where I got the nerve at the time, but I remember asking him why? He replied, We are trying to buy the oil rights of his reservation.

To this day, I can tell you the suit I was wearing, the color of my shirt and tie, and how my knees were wobbling. I mustered up my courage and replied, Then, this is a bribe? My boss immediately responded, No, no, no—this is just the way we do business!

Now, I had a choice, and it turned out to be the choice that framed my future business career. In a slightly shaky but firm voice, I replied: Then, I can’t do that.

I can’t remember my boss’s exact words, but they were something to the effect of my way or the highway. And I never did figure out if, in that moment, I was fired or I quit! Regardless, I was on the street.

After a good amount of time and trauma, I eventually found another job in the banking industry. I am now executive vice president of (a major bank) in Knoxville.

I am telling this story to you young people out there for two reasons: First, I don’t care how old you are, you can stand up for what you believe is right. And, second, every ethical decision I had to make in my career from that point on was easier to make!

The applause seemed to go on and on.

This man probably didn’t get up in the morning on the day that he refused to deliver the bribe and declare, Today, I will stand my ground and behave in an ethical way. His decisions came automatically from within—from his moral compass, the internal guidance system that pointed toward what was right and away from what was wrong. In short, his moral beliefs directed his ethical choices. He learned early on in his professional life that doing the right thing means making the difficult choice even when there is a steep price to pay, or even when no one at all—except you—would ever know the difference.

A Few Definitions

Before we proceed, I want to share my definitions for values, morals, and ethics. These terms are commonly used interchangeably since they each provide behavioral rules. However, you have to appreciate their distinctions to understand why good people sometimes behave badly. So let’s split a few hairs:

Values by themselves are not a matter of good versus bad, moral versus immoral, or ethical versus unethical. Our values are personal; we choose and assign to them varying degrees of importance. Not all are equal, and they change as we grow and encounter various life experiences. Some of our values might be qualities like comfort, stress, accountability, friendship, security, honesty, stability, achievement, status, autonomy, loyalty, competition, cooperation; it’s a long list. But whatever values we choose, those that are most important to us are essentially what define us.

Morals are the principles of a person’s character that are deemed right or good according to a community’s standards. We learn morals when we are very young, and they do not change. Ethics describes the social system—like your office—in which those morals are applied. Ethics usually refers to a set of rules or expectations that are accepted by a group of people, whereas a person’s morals stay private. A useful way to think about how morals and ethics relate is this: We accept our morals and choose our ethics based on our values.

These distinctions allow us to talk confidently about social, medical, office, company, and professional ethics, but not about moral or immoral people. We cannot know another person’s moral code; however, we can observe a person’s ethical behavior. When we refer to another person as moral or immoral, we impose our moral standards on them and presume that we know their internal character, their innate goodness or badness. We’re better off simply saying that someone is ethical or unethical, based on whether we observe their behavior to be aligned to our group’s accepted code of conduct.

What Do You Think?

I attended a holiday party a few weeks after Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scandal erupted in New York City. A gentleman came up to me and posed this question: Nan, I sit on the board of trustees of a prestigious college on the East Coast. A few months ago, the college received a huge monetary gift from Madoff. The money is currently in the bank but has not been allocated to any particular branch of the college yet. Can we keep this money?

I started to give my standard disclaimer, as I often do: I’m not an attorney, nor am I a licensed CPA . . . when he interrupted me with, I know you’re not, but you’re an ethicist. I would like your opinion on what we should do!

I looked him right in the eye and replied, "It’s not your money!"

Well, to say he went ballistic would be an understatement. He peppered his justifications at me at rapid pace: We were given and accepted the money in good faith and We are totally innocent in the Madoff scheme. His defensive diatribe went on so long it brought to mind Shakespeare’s line: Methinks you doth protest too much! Why was he even asking me the question in the first place if he had no doubt about what he should do?

When he finally ran out of steam, I caught two attorneys who are friends of mine by the sleeve, brought them over, and asked the gentleman to ask them the same question. He did, and both of them immediately responded: "It’s not your money, so you have to give it back!"

We discussed at length how this was a unique ethical dilemma because the money had not yet even been allocated to a particular branch of the college (it was just sitting in the bank). My attorney friends both said if the funds had been already spent, you could argue it was too late to do anything. However, there was a clear choice in this case. This was also a great example whereby the gentleman was justifying keeping the money because We’re not doing anything illegal. But was it the right thing to do?

Fast-forward a few months. I was chatting with a golfing friend, Andy Weiner, about this very subject, when he shared the following story with me. Andy was serving as a board member of Faith’s Lodge, a Minnesota-based charity that supports families facing the loss or severe illness of a child. At their annual fund-raising event, Andy said the chair was standing at the podium ready to close out the evening when a nice-looking gentleman in formal business attire took the stage and told the story of losing his son—and then handed him a $25,000 check! Andy added, We were all elated. What a wonderful way to wind up our fund-raising year!

Four days later, the man who presented the check, Tom Petters, was arrested for heading a mini-Madoff Ponzi scheme. (Petters has since been sentenced to 50 years in prison.)

I asked Andy, What did you do? He replied, "We immediately had an emergency board meeting via e-mail and we unanimously voted to return the check. Andy looked me right in the eye and said, Nan—it wasn’t our money!"

Are There Morals We All Agree Upon?

Yes. There is a short list of universal moral principles that appears to be accepted by all religions, cultures, and societies:

Empathy

The ability to distinguish right from wrong

Responsibility

Reciprocity

Commitment to something greater than oneself

Self-respect, but with humility, self-discipline, and acceptance of personal responsibility

Respect and caring for others (the Golden Rule)

Caring for other living things and the environment

While each culture may label and express these universal moral principles in slightly different ways, you can look for them anywhere and you’ll find that common moral sense is always the same.

Ethics, then, is a system of moral values. We all start with universal moral principles and, as we mature, choose our most important values based on our upbringing and social networks. If our morals and values are in alignment, we can relate to others in an ethical way. We can also look at ourselves directly in the mirror while shaving or tackling bed hair in the morning. Even Mickey Mouse used to say, "You have to be yourself!"

While it’s difficult—nearly impossible—to change another person’s morals, their values may be negotiable, and this is where hope for the Ethical Office lies. If we can align our coworkers to a commonly accepted code of ethical behavior—that is, our professional ethics—our ethical dilemmas will disappear, and productivity will go through the roof!

Growing Up Ethical

Where do our morals—these generally accepted standards of goodness and badness in conduct or character—actually come from? It is widely thought that we do not choose our morals, but rather learn them and accept them from our culture—some combination of our parents, teachers, religious leaders, media, coaches, friends, and experiences—at a very young age, hence our societal imperative that children receive sufficient care and nurturing. In the words of James Baldwin, Children have never been very good at listening to elders—but they have never failed to imitate them.

I once sat with radio talk show host Danny Bonaduce in his New York City studio for a live interview. You may recall Danny, at a young age, as the little red-haired, freckle-faced actor who played the banjo on The Partridge Family TV show. Danny took our workplace ethics conversation seriously, but he also teased me (and his listeners) with questions such as: Nan, I don’t make much money here, so what if I take the dictionary home and keep it for my kids? Is that ethical? What if I just take the Scotch tape home every now and then? Is that ethical? Everyone does it—what’s the big deal? Ms. Ethics (me) kept responding to his questions, No, Danny, that’s not ethical. Finally, at one point, with a twinkle in his eye, he replied with frustration, You remind me of my TV mom—Shirley Jones! She never let me get by with anything, either!

I told Danny he reminded me of one of my favorite cartoons featuring a little boy who was suspended from school for stealing pencils. His father was driving him home and scolding him all the way: Johnny, how can you possibly be suspended from school for stealing pencils? In the last cartoon frame, the papa says, "What do you do with all the pencils I bring home from the office?" It certainly makes one think.

However we come by them, our morals provide the context, or framework, for our actions. These are our most fundamental beliefs—our core values. These are the principles and values we have internalized. We make moral decisions without a lot of thought because they are based on the principles in which we believe most deeply. Morals are a part of who we are—our internal guidance system.

In order to live happily and at peace with ourselves, we have to live in ways that are congruent with our morals. For us to work happily and productively, we need to share common ethical standards with our coworkers. Therefore, we encounter a classic ethical dilemma when the ethics in the office are at odds with our personal values. And the larger the gap, the greater your level of stress. That’s what makes the discussion of what the Ethical Office is, and how to build one, so essential to the quality of your professional life. You have the power to choose whether to behave in ways that are congruent with your values and morals, and you have the power to act to influence the group’s ethics.

Acting on what you believe is right creates a positive and productive workplace, whereas acting in opposition to what you know is right causes discontent, low esteem, angst, frustration, pettiness, and—surprise, surprise—low productivity. I have observed this time and time again in my consulting work and have found that an ethical workplace outperforms an unethical (or ethically conflicted or confused) workplace every time.

But Aren’t Laws Sufficient?

Unfortunately, no. Laws are the minimum, essential requirements that maintain social order. They apply to everyone and are attractive because they are actually written down. However, conforming to a standard that is merely the minimum for behavior is hardly an achievement.

Laws are poor substitutes for ethical awareness and conduct at work for two reasons: First, you cannot possibly codify all aspects of the interpersonal relationships that comprise an office environment. If someone in the workplace is going to treat someone else unfairly, he will find a way to do it. Second, it is possible to satisfy the letter of the law even while still committing an act that most reasonable people would consider unethical or immoral. It may be technically legal to accept a gift from a supplier, but does that make it the right thing to do?

Still, it’s tempting to use a simple, minimal legal standard for our conduct. When called to account for our questionable behavior, how many of us would hide behind the flimsy statement, I did nothing illegal, or What I did was perfectly legal, as if legality equals rightness.

Let’s sum it up in reverse order.

Legal standards are the minimal standards that provide the outer boundaries of conduct (If you go beyond this point, you risk going to jail). They tell you what you cannot do, but provide no positive guidance about what you should do. Workplaces that are guided solely by the law tend to be negative, petty, and mean-spirited. We, of course, must comply with the law, but it’s not enough.

Ethical standards are the next step up. Ethical conduct is the set of behavior standards established for, chosen, and accepted by a group of people working together in the same place, group, or profession. There may be differences among corporate, professional, office, and personal ethics, depending on your situation.

Values are the bridge between morals and ethics. They are personal,