The Adventures of Ranchi and Indira

(Bangalore, 2012 Indira Nayar’s bedroom. Indira Nayar, a doting mother of three and grandmother of five, is seen screaming into the distance.) INDIRA: (Screaming angrily) Innilay Pizza, Innu Biriyani! Ningallakku veray chintam unnum illaye! Ella divasum velliyil kayyikan njaan samuthikilla! Veruthay alla ellarum thadi vekkunathu! Ividay chappathiyum kanjiyum pulisherryiyum unde, Athu thaaaaraaalam mathi!!!! (muffled vocies from backstage, sounds like “pakshay veetilu chicken illa”) INDIRA: Enthanu eee kozhiodu fascination??!! Elaa divusum chicken chicken chicken! (breathing heavily, obviously angry/hurt, starts muttering to herself) (Enter Ranch, an equally lovable and doting mother of three and grandmother, into the room) RANCHI: Indiraay, enthu pati? INDIRA: (still fuming) Oh, unnulliya Ranchi. RANCHI: (Surprised) Eh? INDIRA: (calming down still very angry) Eyy, unnulliya. RANCHI: Indiraay, ennikku veshakunnu, nammakonnu KFC povaam? INDIRA: (suddenly docile) Oh sherri Ranchi.

(Both start getting ready. Ranchi is looking for her purse while Indira is combing her hair.)

INDIRA: (still combing her hair) Povunna vazhikku onnu Thoms-il nirthanam. Rundu moonnu kariyangal vangikkan ondu. RANCHI: Enthokkya venday? INDIRA: Soup packet…………(pause)…………… amul cheese………………(smaller pause)……………. tomato sauce………(pause)…………… rotti…………(pause)………. shampoo, cibaca, toothbrush………(pause)………. mohantay soap, Ashayakku parachute, vivekkennum dhanyakkum puffs, diyakke pencil, babuvinntay shaving cream, lathaikku cocoa powder, latha-uday achanntte blade, candle, bed, bed sheet, thalena, hot water bottle, thorthu, thiri, enna, velichenna, sunflower oil, olive oil, lavanathailam, priya’s thakkali thokku, mango pickle, lime pickle, garlic pickle, red chilli pickle, green chilli pickle, rajasthani sweet lime pickle, pista, kappalandi….

(calling out to distance) Neela. watches it intently. 3 kilo rava. INDIRA: (calling out to distance) Neela. 3 kilo mixture. namakkonnu arra manikkoor waitiyanam. RANCHI: (disappointed) Oh atthu saarilla INDIRA: Njaan onnu nokatay veetil arrengingl ondo (looks out of fictional bedroom door) Arrum veetil illa. 2 kg arri maathrum vangichu kondupovan. Ravi ividay illa. but pretends to act interested) . unnum kondupovathruthe. (Ranchi takes remote control. chammandi podi. slyly) Vettil arum illya. idli podi. switches on TV. 5 kilo kappalandi muttaayi vangingkkan…… Aiyyooo! Njan completely marrannu. amma eveday irrukku? Female Voice from backstage: keelay INDIRA: (calling out to distance) Neela. 1 kilo upperri. Saar engay eveday ? Female Voice from backstage: Saarum keelay irrukku INDIRA: Veetil elaarum illaya irrukingla valeeyial poya kelembitaangla erengeetundo? (Pause) Female Voice from backstage: Ah (as in yes) INDIRA: (To Ranchi. Ravi parrinjju ayichuttondu 2 kilo laadu. 2 kilo kappa upperri.RANCHI: (interrupting) Dubaikkunnum vangikinillay? Flight adduthay azhichayya INDIRA: Geeta pratyachum prranjju. Indira yawns. Ennilaay velli poyapol Njaan dosa posi. inji churry. Seekram Pazham poori pannunga! (Both snigger) RANCHI: Match enthayi nokkam.

Innathay varthukal entha nokkatay (Reading out aloud) Kollathil oru bus oru chatti pottichu . hindi.. offiyattay (Tries to switch off the TV. Each time she presses a button..we hear a motley of Spanish.Unusual bold move.equally disastrous results.word just in. He starts dancing in front of Steyn…….. Dhoni has won the toss in this daynighter………….... tamil.play has been suspended as Sreesanth refuses to stop moving his hips…. Sreesanth tcheh! He is a disgrace to Malayalees! TV iyil vera entha ullay? INDIRA: Innu njaarayichayaanne Ranchi. She gives it back to Ranchi.Sreesanth and Yousuf Pathan to open the batting……………………... now he’s dancing in front of the cute blonde in the stands………. He’s still dancing…………………… now he’s in front of the umpire……. sports. RANCHI: (suddenly) Tcheh! INDIRA: (Indira suddenly wakes up pretends to be alert) Arru outayi? RANCHI: Ippuzhuthay cricketers ellarrumay useless aanne! INDIRA: Avarum manushyamaarellay Ranchi RANCHI: Kodigal cash ondakkumbo ingannay kallikkam paddoolya Indiray. Another usual move. Ranchi watches intently while Indira is close to passing out) TV Commentator: For the first time in 5 years.... serial unnum illa. going down.He has chosen to bat first against South Africa on a bowling pitch that traditionally deteriorates and becomes a batting paradise after first dew……………………………. Ranchi finally manages to switch it off) RANCHI: Onnu Vanitha paassiyo INDIRA: (Passes Magazine) Njaan innu paper vayichilla. Sreesanth is overjoyed!.. volume going up. Gives it to Indira. the channel changes.(We hear TV commentary from the background.. news etc... et.. As the commentary goes on. Sreesanth facing first ball from Dale Steyn………….. RANCHI: Sherri. Superb Yorker and Sreesanth miraculously survives!..

Engleesh paperil entha nokkatay… Thaaa. ithu unnum saarellya INDIRA: Illa! Njaan avannonu villikatay! Inganay jeevikkam paduvo!! (picks up cell phone. eeyeddathay news ellam negative ah. 12 jayaram fans. Babuvida padam newspaper illu! Entha ezhuthiyathe nokkattay… (aloud) Prominent businessman Vijayan was caught being in the disreputable company of international terrorist Mullah Omar. no response) Background voice: The number you have dialed is not answering your call (tries again. breathing heavily) Njaan Avanonnu villikattay!! RANCHI: Saairilla Indiray.Kottayathil randu cycle crashhiyuthu. Actress Sunny Leone and Monica Lewinsky. sounds of tring tring is heard) Background voice: The number you have dialed is not answering your call (tries again. nee Wednesday evadayarunnu? Eh? Eh? Backstage Voice: (sounding concerned) Ammay. enthu patti?? INDIRA: Da. Mafia king Dawood Ibrahim. (Fuming. 15 peru marnam Puthiya Suresh Gopiyuday cinemakke Kochiyil riot. 3 mohanlal fans ashupathriyal (aloud to Ranchi) Tcheh. They were all seen having dinner at Taj on Wednesday. dials. sounds of tring tring is heard) Background voice: The number you have dialed is not answering your call (tries again. sounds of tring tring is heard) Backstage Voice: (sounding concerned) Ammay. karyam enthannu? INDIRA: Nee entha endathu paranjey ennilay? Wednesday veetillannu kazhichu allay? Veeliyil Tajil allallo???!!! Njan ninnay sheriyakum! ------------------------------------------------THE END------------------------------------------------------------------------ .

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