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People

People

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Published by Elizabeth Breed
a play by Elizabeth Breed
a play by Elizabeth Breed

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Published by: Elizabeth Breed on Aug 07, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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People A play by Elizabeth Breed

SCENE. Avy and Bridger’s apartment. BRIDGER is on his laptop at the dining room table, and is feverishly scrolling away, AVY is on the couch, engrossed in a copy of “People” Magazine. Namely, the August 13th, 2012 issue of People.

AVY and BRIDGER. I can’t believe they broke up! AVY. Who? BRIDGER. Who? AVY. Rob and Kristen. BRIDGER. Claire and Nate. And Becca and Michael are having a baby! AVY. Kristen cheated. BRIDGER. Who? AVY. Kristen. She cheated on Rob with some guy named… named… (She turns a page.) …Rupert? BRIDGER. Rupert what kind of name is Rupert? AVY. I don’t know. British, I think. BRIDGER. Speaking of names, did you hear that Greg and Megan named their baby “Toi”. AVY. “Toi”? BRDIGER. T-O-I. Isn’t that ridiculous? AVY. It’s completely fucking stupid! Some people… (She turns a few pages of the magazine.) Oh my god! Did you know that Marilyn Monroe may have been murdered? BRIDGER. That’s not really new news, is it? AVY. Apparently they have new developments. BRIDGER. Like what?

AVY. Oh, I don’t know. The articles kind of long. (Avy’s cell phone rings.) BRIDGER. Aren’t you going to get that? AVY. No. I screen now. BRIDGER. You didn’t even check who it was. AVY. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. BRIDGER. Hey! Someone stole the gargoyles from Amy’s lawn and she sounds all badass about it. AVY. Go Amy! Apparently the book “Bared to You” is going to be the next “50 Shades of Grey”. Who cares? BRIDGER. Lucia’s sick. AVY. Oh no! Apparently Matthew Perry is making a comeback! BRIDGER. Good for him! I like him! (Bridger laughs.) AVY. What’s funny? BRIDGER. Mike posted another political cartoon that’s hilarious! And it makes you think! AVY. Message the link to me, would you? BRIDGER. Done. AVY. Wow, apparently there’s this little girl who has Down Syndrome who is modeling in fashion shows. BRIDGER. Really? AVY. Here, take a look? (Avy lifts up the magazine just enough so Bridger can see a picture.) BRIDGER. Oh, she’s pretty! AVY. I know, right! Her mom’s hideous. BRIDGER. Oh, a total dog. (He goes back to his computer.) Speaking of “models”, Annie changed her profile picture again. AVY. No way, really? BRIDGER. You know, she may be pretty in person, but you’re not going to get a modeling or pop singing recording contact by mastering the duckface! (There is a ding on Bridger’s computer.) Hey, Childess just messaged me.

AVY. Yeah. What’s it say? BRIDGER. “Where are you?” (He types.) “I’m on Facebook, you dork!” (He chortles, and continues to search.) Vicky and Ryan just told each other that they love each other again. AVY. Again? BRIDGER. It’s cute. AVY. I guess, but it’s like… other people have been in love too. Speaking of which, no mention of Kanye or Kim Kardashian this week. What is the world coming to? (Avy receives a text message. She looks at it.) It’s Childess. BRIDGER. Yeah? What’s it say? AVY. “Where are you guys? Is Bridger with you?” BRIDGER. Clingy much? AVY. I guess. Oh! Apparently, Jessica Alba looks really good when she grocery shops. BRIDGER. Oh! Apparently, Chik-Fil-A is now Chik-Fil-Hate. AVY. Oh! Apparently a town called Possum Trot, Texas adopted like 76 foster kids! BRIDGER. Possum Trot? AVY. I know right? (They giggle.) BRIDGER. Oh! Apparently Liz wrote another play. AVY. How many does that make? BRIDGER. Six, so far. AVY. Did you read any yet? BRIDGER. No, they’re long. And that’s like… real reading. I couldn’t possibly. AVY. Zack Morris got married for a second time. BRIDGER. Beth got married for a first time. AVY. Sherman Hemsley died. BRIDGER. Like, forty of our friends auditioned for a play. AVY. Meryl Streep’s in a new movie… she’s old. BRIDGER. Ramya dressed up like Lucille Ball and went to play pool at a bar… AVY. Rihanna looks good in a bikini.

BRIDGER. Jessica posted something funny on your wall! (He giggles.) AVY. I still can’t believe Kristen cheated on Rob… BRIDGER. OH! Cute Dachshund pictures! (Avy and Bridger enter an almost orgasmic state.) AVY. OH! KATE MIDDLETON! BRIDGER. MARS LANDING! AVY. OLYMPICS! (There is a loud knock on the door, startling the two of them.) BRIDGER. What was that? AVY. Somebody knocked on the door. BRIDGER. Well, get it. AVY. You’re the man. BRIDGER. You’re closer. (CHILDESS yells from offstage.) CHILDESS. Are you guys in there? AVY. Its just Childess. BRIDGER. Door’s open, Childess! (Childess enters, she looks at the two of them in disbelief.) CHILDESS. Where were you guys? BRIDGER. What? AVY. It’s good to see you too, friend. CHILDESS. Where were you, everyone’s worried sick! AVY. What’s wrong? CHILDESS. What are you doing? On Facebook again? Reading that trashy magazine. Do you both realized everyone’s looking for you? BRIDGER. Why would they be doing that? (Childess scoffs, and runs to the bedroom. She comes back a few moments later with a gorgeous wedding dress.) AVY. Oh. CHILDESS. You were both supposed to be at the church two hours ago. The ceremony. You’re getting married today. BRIDGER. That’s not true, is it? Facebook would have told me.

AVY. And that dress isn’t as beautiful as Kate Middleton’s. CHILDESS. Ok, put down the magazine, and the laptop. We are going to your wedding. Now. AVY. But… we still don’t know who killed Marilyn Monroe. BRIDGER. And we don’t know which of our friends got cast in that play. AVY. And we don’t know which is the best summer song. BRIDGER. And we don’t know what kind of smartphone Thea just got. CHILDESS. You… are completely insane. Avy, put on the dress. Bridger… go get your tux on. NOW! AVY. Ok. (The two of them go into the other room to change. Childess sighs. She goes to Bridger’s laptop, and types.) CHILDESS. “Bride and groom found! Wedding is a go!” (She smiles and shuts the laptop. She sits still for a few moments, and then goes to the magazine. She looks at the front.) “The Real Story: Inside her Betrayal”. Now what kind of idiot would cheat on Robert Pattinson? And idiot, that’s who. (The lights fade as she opens the magazine.) END OF PLAY

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