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Guide to Survive Stupid

Guide to Survive Stupid


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Published by Patrick Green
An early morning's rant on the intelligence of the world in general, and how to not only survive but prosper in this terrifying existence we all find ourselves in. Along the lines of the great masterpiece by Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal".
An early morning's rant on the intelligence of the world in general, and how to not only survive but prosper in this terrifying existence we all find ourselves in. Along the lines of the great masterpiece by Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal".

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Published by: Patrick Green on Jan 14, 2009
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Guide to Survive Stupidity

Patrick “Lendon” Green

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard

So I was sitting down at my computer, it was that ubiquitous three o’clock in the morning, and I just had this crazy idea. Now before I go into the idea I should explain its origins. First off I was listening to George Clinton and the Parliament Funk, enough said there. Next it has been well over a year in a half since seeing any of my friends. And need I remind you that it was at three o’clock in the morning. Or really I should say it is, because I’m writing still in the process of writing it, during this point of clarity and insanity. But really all insanity begins in the early hours of the morning. When the “people” who have been up since who knows when, and the “people” who are not yet truly up wander the earth. This of course has been referred to by many well meaning “people” who have never seen the light of day as the “zombie hour” (the author doesn’t actually know any well meaning “people”). This is the time that if you care for your sanity, the only place you can possibly be is in a bed somewhere, preferably with a member of whatever sex you prefer next to you. And as an aside, I would like to hope that for all that read this, they find themselves in the before mentioned circumstances regularly. And if you made it to this point of this diatribe, I wonder for your own sanity. As I was explaining the reasons for my insanity, and not your own questionable sanity, I shall continue, to your eventual woe. I have spent most of the night sitting reading several web comics. Most, as all good comics should, making fun of and destroying stupid “people”. Of course I share this very correct thought process. Do I believe that a person needs to be aware of what’s going on in the world to be smart? No, by no means no (and a “HELL NO” for good measure). In fact I believe that some of those “people” who use knowledge of current events to validate their own intelligence should be the first shot. And finally we come to my idea. For those “people” who have a firm grasp of their own intelligence, I hope you will find this piece of literature useful. I will attempt to place down proper etiquette and uses for the mass of stupid “people” you may run into on your journey through life. I will attempt to cover how to identify a moron, idiot, ass, imbecile, etc. Other things I will cover are how much beating one of these miscreants should receive for what they say or do. I will also touch on possible uses of said imbecile. I will also set out to point out a few sites that the more intelligent person may enjoy online that realize the word “people” should be used as a curse word (hence every time I use the word I will be putting it into quotation marks). For legal reasons, just to cover my ass should a stupid person actually read this, I must point out that some of things suggested herein are highly illegal. And unless you’re a politician, rich enough to leave the country quickly, or willing to serve time in prison, and hence becoming someone’s bitch, do not take my words seriously. In fact if you were going to do that, stop reading this. I mean it, put down the printout, put down the

book, close the window (on your computer silly, ask a smart friend), and ask for help. Trust me; you are a special kind of stupid if you take me seriously. As I’m writing this I’m still not sure what format this should be in. Do I write a book, but then I have to publish it. Maybe an essay, but then what’s the point of skating through high school. Possibly putting it down as a very forceful blog, but then I have to post it on several sites to get it read. Though I do know I’m all for the free internet, and I really don’t want to charge for this at all. Cause then it might become a fad, and it might come into the hands of a stupid “person”. And no one wants that. Well I’ll just write and figure it out when I’m done. Step One: Identification Okay first off is to identify possible drains on society. I would like to point out that there can be some mistakes made. Such as, a person who is crazy is not necessarily stupid. In fact, they may be very intelligent; they’ve just dealt with to many “people” for their own good. Another possible mistake is a person who is normally rather intelligent but makes a boneheaded mistake. It happens to the best of us, and more often the worst of us. Reasons vary for this event. Sleep deprivation is a common cause, as is repetitive tasks. But the most common reason is overexposure with the stupider side of the human race. Later in this monstrosity I will go over areas to avoid and how to survive them if you are forced to find yourself there. The last most common reason for stupidity among the intelligent mostly afflicts males. This of course being hormones, or our libido. Males, and by this I mean guys not men (refer to Dave Barry’s “Guide to Guys” for clarification), are the most likely to sink into this temporary stupidity. There are also many types of stupidity. Knowing them all is not necessary to a better life, but most likely you’ve already witnessed many of them: especially if you have ever turned on the television, or surfed the net. I will list some of the types here and can even tell you the things you should really fear about them. It’ll be like a demented animal planet nature show. And here we see the alpha dimwit mark his territory by placing his high school letterman jacket over the bimbo’s shoulders. Trust me it should only cause a few “people” to need therapy. And hey without causing emotional scars what fun is it? We will start our journey through that which is hell on earth by meeting an idiot not regularly seen by the public, the military moron. Trust me they exist, and in this case at least natural selection can be more common. The most common nitwit spoken of in the military circles is the one that throws the pin. Yes, I mean they throw the pin, and continue to hold the grenade, the live grenade. Trust me folks there is reason claymore mines are labeled “Front Towards Enemy”. I will tell a true personal story just to prove it. I served in the Marine Corps as a combat photographer, so I know crazy “people”. All Marines after boot camp go through combat training. Depending on your future job depends on what course you go through. I went through the non-grunt (grunt meaning infantry) course. Within my platoon, thankfully not my fire team or even my squad, was a Marine who must have been led by his boot straps throughout life. Anyway, the company was doing a live-fire (real bullets) exercise. The range was set up pretty simply, we move around an area acting like we’re on patrol, weapons safed

and unloaded. When we reach the actual firing portion of the exercise we come on line (a line where we’re all facing the same direction), load our weapons, and prepare to fire and maneuver down the range. Some basic rules for this are that there is no flagging (pointing the weapon at with no intention of doing so) of the line, when someone anyone calls cease fire you cease fire and put your weapon on safe, and of course don’t shoot any wildlife you happen to see (we were supposed to be a nature reserve). All very basic rules of common sense, safety stuff to keep us all alive. So in a matter of twenty minutes all before mentioned rules were violated. Thankfully, they were not all by the same person. The Marine that shot the deer just hadn’t seen it, not stupid just bad luck for the deer. But cease fire was called, and one man ignored it, he then was accosted by an instructor. At this point he did the dumbest mistake you can do on a live fire range. He flagged the line with an unsafe, loaded weapon. If you need to see an example of this watch “Heartbreak Ridge”, good film Clint Eastwood might have made a good Marine, where a man on the range turns and fires several rounds along the dirt behind other members of his platoon. Fortunately for the Marine in question (and everyone around him), he never fired any rounds when he flagged the line This is but one example, from just one guy (he has more, some that still piss me off), of military stupidity. If you know someone in, or who was in, the military, ask them all about the simpletons they ran across during their time. If you don’t understand the acronyms they use, don’t worry sometimes they don’t know either. Just do what we all learned in boot, go with the flow. The next stop on what could only be a misery journey is a very simple stop. It is an exhibit of moronity. It has made several intelligent well thought out shows move or even be canceled entirely. It’s a mar on society that has unfortunately created spin-offs of the original. It needs to be destroyed and all its satanic (no offense to Satan worshipers, I’m sure some of you are intelligent “people”) children. And of course I am speaking of none other than “American Idol”. I need to burn my hands just for typing those words together. But worse than the show is the “people” who watch it religiously. And in reality I think the “people” who thought of it were geniuses, evil geniuses, but still geniuses. I mean they found a product that the American idiot (pun slightly intended) would eat up. And one that would torture the rest of us., Now, I have to hit on the religious nuts. I’m talking to you Jesus Freaks, anyone who thinks a Jihad is a good idea, and pretty much any other radical religious nut out there. Though I must not leave out the “people” that pick up a religion because they want to get under someone’s skin, or to live out some fantasy, these “people” are a drain on that religion and the world in general. Plus they are the one’s that are more likely to become the radical nuts. Before anyone goes into religious rant of wrath and hate, I must state that yes I believe that Jesus is my savior but that I do not go well with any church or religion. Maybe it’s all the “people”, but I don’t do well. I will not force my faith on anyone else and will be the first to laugh at a good Jesus joke. You know how the rest of this spiel goes, yada, yada I respect all religions…blah. Anyway, I actually think anyone who will force their beliefs on someone else is in all regards nuts and stupid. That pretty much wraps up the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses. If you want to bring “people” to your religion, try a pancake breakfast, not door to door marketing. If religion comes up in the conversation, say because Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” was in someone’s DVD collection fine, not bringing the movie to a friends house along with the “Left

Behind” series. Ok so you can really hear me going off against the Christian religions, only because you write what you know and my Torah and Koran studies are a little bit rough. But I’m sure they have similar problems, I mean their “people”. Now since were hitting the nuts who believe in something, we just have to go political next. There is nothing stupid about being aware and even possibly active in the political system. The problem of stupidity comes up when you start believing in something with out really knowing what it is. Or getting behind a candidate because their running for your party. You were born with a brain, use it. If you pick one news source to get all your news in today’s day and age, you are most decidedly a raving, stumbling poster child of the lobotomized. I almost hate to say it, but it seems the best source of non biased information now seems to be the comedians. They are the most impartial anchors I’ve seen on television or the web. They’re impartial only because they try to make fun out of everybody. If that’s what it takes to be impartial, wait that is actually a good idea. Actually I have found the best way to find impartiality for your nation’s politics is find another nation’s news that’s covering your political situation. They really don’t care, and it makes politics seem so funny looking. If you’re American I suggest the BBC news programs. (When this was written this was still a good idea, being before the 2008 election, now even BBC seems biased) Now for the final group of ignots (this group is so special I have to create a new word for them). And this can include anyone, at any time, in any store. Yes, if you are a consumer you have the capability of becoming an ignot (I really like this word; it’s just fun to say). If you think this unfair, to most “people”, think again. I realize most of you are normal and intelligent. But when anyone walks into a store, or even visits one online, they change, their intelligence is sapped. We’ve all done it, you may not even realize you’ve done it, but you have. Does that mean if you’re in a store you are automatically an ignot? No, it just means that there is higher risk of being stupid. Don’t get me wrong clerks and sales representatives can be equally dummifying (yes another made up word, you have to love that poetic license crap), but that’s a whole other level. And really the two categories could just be put down to over contamination. I tend to believe that the sales clerk tend to know something about what their selling, at least I hope they do. And of course there are many other varieties of imbeciles. I won’t go into them now, mainly because I have the feeling I should move on before I piss off everyone. But then again they’re just “people”. Step two: Punishment I would like to say that if you are luckless enough to find yourself accosted by one of the many nincompoops this world has to offer, it is your privilege, right, and even your duty to exterminate the person from the gene pool and any spawn they may have already squeezed out; this is illegal in most nations. And for some reason it is even frowned upon. Though I must state that the Darwin Awards are a step in the right direction, the next step might possibly be of course helping these “people” out of the pool. Now I did not say a quick way out on purpose. Each ignotosy should probably deserve its own special punishment. Now I really don’t think I’ll be going too in depth into possible punishments for all possible crimes of stupidity. Mainly because each is like a snowflake, theirs too many

of them for me to try and categorize them. At least not in my current sleep deprived state. I may eventually put out a revised version where I add all sorts of categories. But, I like to think this is being read by some one who has some common sense and a little creativity. That’s all you really need to create a decent punishment. And if you lack creativity there are several web comics out there that can point you in the right direction. But because I was hit with a muse of stupidity this evening I will give one idea of a possible punishment. The event of stupidity that occurred was that a female friend of mine was in a more seedy part of town walking to an appointment, when a man (see libido comments earlier) pulled along side her and propositioned her as a woman of the streets (to use an euphemism, weeding out the idiots all the time). I must say she handled it very well, and all she did was say two words. Well one word really, but she said it twice in a very demanding tone, just “WHAT?” I of course was on the phone with her at the time and thought of several things I could have done to the said man in the car; most noticeably, to test whether his windshield was shatter-proof, with his forehead. Of course I soon thought of other things I could have done to shatter his small brain. The most cruel I can think of in my current state is, using my best stereotypical gay male voice, to tell him that it was my night off and that if he really wanted to try me he should try back tomorrow night. I can almost see his confused face, and his brain exploding. Who says only females can play mind games? Step Three: Possible Uses Well unfortunately I can actually think of several things an intelligent person may use a stupid person for. Just to start, you can always use one as a human shield. I have heard they are also good for good meaningless sex. If you have a really talkative one we can always use them as an interrogation technique. I would say that they would create a acceptable substitute for water-boarding, but I think if it was left to intelligent people water-boarding wouldn’t be an issue. Before you go all crazy lynch mob on me for that you must realize, that I also think most atrocities, wars, and civil actions would have been eliminated if the intelligent actually ran the world. This is a short step. I probably would have used up more page space if I had done a list, but hey lists are for people who can think straight. Step Four: Possible Intelligent Media Unfortunately I’m hesitant to actually put anyone down until I actually contact them and kindly ask their permission to use their creation as validation that there really are smart people out there. But for now keep hope, we are not a dying breed. And I’m done for now. There will be revisions eventually. “People”, I need a drink.

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