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Your Best Relationship Now

Your Best Relationship Now

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How to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse or significant other. What not to do in a relationship.
How to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse or significant other. What not to do in a relationship.

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Published by: Minister Clayborn Collins on Aug 30, 2012
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Your Best Relationship Now

The Bible's Five Big Steps to A Successful Relationship

Clayborn Collins, PhD

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Introduction
Most failed relationships experience a multitude of small, sometimes silly, or even stupid problems. These form what I call the Ticking Time Bomb. ...tick tick tick... I served in the military for several years working with explosives. Every explosive device must have some sort of fuse. Some fuses are extremely short and burn out before you know it. Some are quite long and surprise you by how drawn-out mere minutes can seem when you're waiting for a BOOM. In any case, the length of the fuse depends on the nature of the bomb and what it was designed to do. Ultimately, when the bomb explodes, it destroys everything in a certain radius. Too much powder and it can even devastate things beyond that radius, things no one could have predicted. One way or another, powder makes its way into the bomb. One way or another, all the right ingredients for an explosion get put into place. And one way or another, somebody or something lights the fuse. All relationships, at some time or another, experience shakiness or trouble. It's unavoidable. It's part of human nature: But a person is born for trouble as surely as sparks fly up from a fire (Job 5:7). What's important to realize is that big trouble 2

—explosive trouble—may demolish relationships suddenly, but some habit or attitude or pride had been pouring powder into the relationship and preparing that explosion for a substantial period of time. You and your neighbor, for example, might have an agreement that he will cut your grass every time he cuts his if you will weed his yard when you weed yours. It's a reasonable exchange. But say your neighbor doesn’t cut the grass for a while and your grass is getting taller than you like it. You get irritated and weed both yards thinking this may spark him to cut the grass. Well, it doesn’t. Okay. So you go and cut your own grass, not his. The arrangement didn't work out and you let it go. Then say your neighbor’s dog starts coming over and messing in your yard. Your neighbor never cleans it up. You do. When you tell your neighbor, they agree to keep the dog under control. But one day you get home from a hard day of work and step square in the neighbor’s dog's mess. It’s all over your brand new shoes. You put your garbage out on Monday’s for a Tuesday morning pickup. The neighbor’s kids always knock over your garbage and don’t pick it up and on this particular Tuesday the garbage people don’t pick up your garbage because by the time they arrived it was scattered all over the yard and street. 3

Before long, you reach a point where you can’t take it anymore. You're at wit's end. You're ready to let your tongue flay your neighbor. You mean to tell them what you think of them—except you're a Christian. How much are you supposed to take? Maybe Jesus could turn the other cheek once more, but you feel like you can't take anymore. You feel beat up, disrespected, dishonored. You feel like saying something, at the very least, will put an end to all the annoyance and grief your neighbor is causing you. Well, congratulations. You have just successfully made this whole series of incidents all about you. You've helped assure that a relational time bomb will indeed explode. But what if you could defuse the bomb? Do you know how? It's simple. Remove the fuse. Remove the part that can ignite the powder. In other words, get beyond Blame and focus on Solution. What you need is a clear mind and focusing on changing the situation is far wiser than focusing on how angry it makes you. This simple awareness, and the purposeful focus that comes with it, will allow you to think clearly about what has happened, to address the events with effective action, and to salvage your endangered relationship. Address your concerns when they occur. Don't wait —or wait only long enough to know, for your part, that you've taken blame out of your response. Let the other 4

person blame themselves for their part in your troubles, and, if they're really to blame, hopefully they'll apologize. Even if they don’t apologize, however, don't get hung up on it. Choose to move past your feelings and work instead for a sustainable, satisfying solution. If improved communication or a change in living patterns is part of the solution, you'll know. Acting in reactionary anger, however, will accomplish nothing more than lighting that unseen fuse. Blame needs to go. Get rid of it. It doesn’t bring about solutions or change. If you stop and look at a particular situation, odds are there will be blame enough to go around. Stop and see things through the other's eyes. When we do this our faith and character increase. We mature as people and as Christians. Blame is not important. What counts is forgiveness and transforming love. Not only are these fundamental principles for living in the Spirit, they're basic principles for turning your life from a sizzling fuse and an impending boom, to one of peace, patience, and happiness.

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They give us (or at least our bottoms) a good enough reason to stop one way of living and begin another. I-S-S-U-E-S. It is only then that we really discover our issues. As we mature. usually boil down to one thing: IS U. We change our behavior as children because our parents discipline us. In other words: it's you! Part of you is at work in this and any other 6 . the laws of God. Then. Pain is the classic example.Overview Change. These Issues. we increasingly understand the explosive nature of our self-centered habits and narrowmindedness. realized or unrealized. both seen and unseen.” A person's relational maturity is marked by a growing realization that we are the reason for most of our relationship failures. for everyone. happens when we encounter a good enough reason. These laws teach us the truth of the old saying. when we've experienced enough relational pain and failure to be honest with ourselves. we have to admit that most of the time we've chosen to point the finger at others without first engaging in a healthy dose of self-critique. you're going to get splinters. “If you go against the grain of the universe. We change our behavior as adults because we smack up against the laws of physics. the laws of society.

It is secondnature. we 7 . If you are ready to really get honest you will realize that it's our failure to take the Spirit nature seriously that usually results in our relational explosions. who calls us to take the plank out of our own eye before trying to pluck out the speck in someone else's. on the other hand—that is. after all. As a baby. you’d cry so someone would stick a bottle in your mouth or change your diaper. Once you do that. admitting your own faults and lack of purpose for a given relationship? The first step to defusing your relational time bombs is to get real about addressing your own issues and problems. We were born that way. Often times. but the reality is that we have been manipulative all our lives. you can get real about improving your relationships. It is human nature to manipulate circumstances toward our desired outcomes. We don’t like to see ourselves as manipulative. How mature are you? Do you really have enough confidence and honesty to take a look at yourself. We learned at an early age that if we acted a certain way we would get our needs met. Spirit nature—to step back and know ourselves well enough to act in love. not only with friends and family and enemies— but with God as well. It is Jesus.situation. not merely in selfishness. How much of that do you do today in your relationship? Your methods have hopefully changed (and your needs too!) but I'll bet you still act and react to get what you want.

In order for you to receive this message you really need to understand that I am speaking to what you are doing right now. with yourself. Get ready to be challenged to be 100% honest. We want to manipulate our situation toward the outcome that best meets our desires. the following lessons will benefit anyone willing to sit with them in honest thought. That's why transparency is the first things to get into your head. My aim is to strengthen and clarify the way you think about relationships. I want to challenge you where you live and how you live presently. The lessons aren't complicated. Something has to strike at the core of our soul—then we wake up and are ready to change. called out. And I've learned that we often learn best when we're confronted. In the pages that follow you will learn five essential parts to a true Christian relationship. Right here and now. and sooner than later. with others.don’t really want to expose our hidden agenda’s. Once you're prepared to be honest—brutally honest —you're ready to proceed. Until you are honest you will not grow or mature in Christ. not where you want to be or even a perception of where you are going. That is okay. Some of you may get offended by what I say. challenged. with God. Although I employ Christian spiritual language. None of this is 8 . but they are direct.

The Old Testament of the Bible represents Preparation. And the fifth stage. After he retired. The book of Acts represents Propagation. and beliefs that we're talking about here. It's your current habits. You have to put them all on the table. each one illustrating the stages of growth necessary for a successful relationship. Five parts of the Bible: five stages every successful relationship must pass through. is Consummation. Get ready to cut many of them loose. but with your front-and-center you. Luke) represent Manifestation. In fact. In this book you will learn that the Bible is broken up into five sections. None of the manufacturer’s experts 9 . attitudes. represented by the book of Revelation.about your future or your past. consider a simple story about a famous electrical engineer named Charles Steinmetz. starting with Romans. Get ready to be honest about them. he was asked by a major appliance manufacturer to locate a malfunction in their electrical equipment. to understand why we should look to the Bible in seeking wisdom for our relationships. Each is vital in learning how to foster your best relationship now. Explanation we find in the Epistles. First. The synoptic gospels (Matthew. Mark. you need to grapple not with your regrets or your dreams. in order to have a chance at reconciling past relationships or forming healthy future relationships.

Finally. even simple tasks can be impossible.00 $9. They protested the amount and asked him to itemize it. If you understand its wisdom. Some days later. The manufacturer’s people disassembled the machine. discovering to their amazement that the defect lay precisely where Steinmetz’s chalk mark was located.had been able to locate the problem. acting to change things for the better is simple. If you don’t.999.00 If you know where the chalk mark goes. Steinmetz spent some time walking around and testing the various parts of the machine complex. the manufacturer received a bill from Steinmetz for ten thousand dollars. 10 . He sent back an itemized bill: Stick of Chalk Knowing Where to Mark with It $1. he took from his pocket a piece of chalk and marked an X on a particular part of one machine. the most overwhelming tasks are easily solved. The following five lessons will help you know how and where to begin changing in order to experience everything God has for your relational life. Learning and understanding the Bible as it relates to your everyday life can be the same way.

influential. I quickly recognized that relationship dynamics in small towns are tricky because everyone thinks they know everyone. It portrays Israel's long. in essence. but live instead based 11 . Maybe you'd like to believe you can. or even an intimate relationship with your mate—requires preparation. You can't simply show up and wing things and be at your best. The OT lays down the laws that teach us God's standards for relationship. So. which makes it easy to hold preconceived notions about them. but what you're thinking of as 'your best' is really 'your lazy best. too. and effective you would be with careful prayer and preparation. People who grow up in the area know many details about neighbors and their families. a relationship with a neighbor.Preparation Every relationship—a work relationship. Growing up in a small town in Arkansas. The Old Testament (OT) represents humanity's phase of preparation for receiving Christ. costly struggle to become a people ready to welcome Christ.' Think of how much more engaged. Israel's triumphs and failures provide us with examples of how we. nobody really knows most of the people they claim to know. should live in order to be ready for Christ. It also establishes a framework of purity and sacrifice that teaches us what God expects from humanity.

Be honest. Still. Why can’t we just mind our own business? Or.off what they've heard or seen. why don't we at least have the integrity to get to know that person in a quality way? When we fail in these ways. It's as simple as that. It’s not Christ-like. We all do it. if we want to establish a relationship with that person. You hear something about someone. instinctual bit of information. Do you think you have a right to know? If so. In the preparation portion of any relationship it is important to recognize some things about yourself. things that may or may not show others in the best possible light. but it’s not right. you know the family. And no one likes nosy people. Everyone is in everybody’s business to some degree. we are not preparing ourselves for the blessing of the possible relationship God Himself may have set before us. unexamined. you pass judgment on that person based on a very lazy. but you don’t really know that person. This is the habit of gossip and prejudice. If you’ve heard something about someone and you want to know if it’s true and you think you have the right to know: just ask the question. The key word here is right. First: do you tend to judge someone before you know them? 12 . Be forthright. why? How is knowing going to help you in any way other than to satisfy your curiosity? If you don't have a good answer you're simply being nosy.

Besides. Instead. Scripture says. I know it’s easier said than done but we are all works in progress. but it was clean. Hopefully. as we move forward with honesty. So in preparing yourself to be a friend. 'everyone will worship me. and everyone will praise God'”(Romans 14:10-13. GW). Meanwhile. you need to be delivered from passing judgment. All of us will have to give an account of ourselves to God.“Why do you criticize or despise other Christians? Everyone will stand in front of God to be judged.' says the Lord. They didn’t have the best hair style. we can grow through our trials. They dressed neatly enough. So let's stop criticizing each other. All in all. but nothing fancy. always remember that judging people reflects at least as much on you and your character as on the person you judge—regardless of whether you're right or not. I had it in mind that I was looking at an average person who would do at best average 13 . I remember when I was a hiring manager for a local nonprofit organization and needed to hire a case manager. 'As certainly as I live. I refused to consider a current employee who had applied for the job. I interviewed several people and none of the applicants was what I was looking. I refused to consider this person because they weren’t that articulate and they spoke really simple English. you should decide never to do anything that would make other Christians have doubts or lose their faith.

GW). and never show preference to important people. afterwards. started a business that is very successful today.' when you have a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye. So why do you see the piece of sawdust in another believer's eye and not notice the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to another believer. because I didn’t have another satisfactory candidate. It was one of the best hires I’ve ever made. When you hear that cliché. you will be judged by the same standard you use to judge others. Eventually. I hired this person for the job. This person went on to work for the agency for 10 years and. It also taught me the biggest lesson I have ever learned about people. you can’t judge a book by its cover.work. Never give special favors to poor people. The standards you use for others will be applied to you. ‘Let me take the piece of sawdust out of your eye. My belief was based strictly on initial appearance and speech. Then you will see clearly to remove the piece of sawdust from another believer's eye” (Matthew 7:1-5. 14 . trust me: it couldn’t be truer. “Don't be corrupt when administering justice. Otherwise. Judge your neighbor fairly” (Leviticus 19:15. Consider the following injunctions from the Bible: “Stop judging so that you will not be judged. GW).

in turn. So in the preparation phase we should recognize that 15 . Wow. but the Lord looks into the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7. It is a vital part of preparation to routinely acknowledge our own faults. because I have rejected him. what a way to start a relationship! We need to remember where we come from and thank God humbly for our deliverance and to continue praying humbly for deliverance.“But the Lord told Samuel. transparency is key. Your lack of preparation in attitude and patient vision led you to be rude or dismissive and. we have no excuse. We are far from perfect. We are not perfect. I heard someone say that we can become so spiritually minded that we are of no earthly good. For those of us who follow Jesus. For all you know. because it is through the grace of God alone that we are saved. “Don't look at his appearance or how tall he is. you may just dismiss your soul-mate because he or she didn’t fit a particular mold that you have developed in your mind. you missed an opportunity to shed the best possible light on yourself. We should be the first to recall that we weren’t always so holier-than-though. Humans look at outward appearances. Again. God does not see as humans see. you caught them on one bad day. and we need to remember that if we are to meet people with fairness and love. We are so quick to size each other up! In doing this. GW).

Again I know it is easier said than done. understand this: the devil is winning. We need to take every opportunity we can to hit the devil over the head with truth and revelation. As a matter of fact. but if we make an effort to change.we personally are not at all everything God wants us to be. we fall way short. Our saving grace. is God’s mercy and forgiveness. As long as we continue to judge people unfairly and jump to conclusions and talk about folks without loving them. though. God will show that He is already way ahead of us and will Himself do the good work. 16 . This means learning what God desires of us and making every effort to get better every day.

Just as the Gospels focus on getting to know who Jesus really is and what He is really about. so every healthy relationship will go through a phase in which the character and lifedirection of a potential partner is recognized and celebrated. In other words.Manifestation The manifestation period of a relationship can be understood by studying the New Testament's Synoptic Gospels. Whatever is secret will be made known” (Matthew 10:26. which reveal Jesus Christ and all of His miracles. it allows them to preserve a life of truth and honesty instead of self-serving self-deception. we considered how the ticking time bomb can demolish relationships. These will allow you and anyone you're in relationship with to 17 . in the long run. GW). The manifestation phase of a relationship may prove painful because it reveals to two people that they should not go further into intimacy and interdependence. but. “So don't be afraid of them. Nothing has been covered that will not be exposed. In the introduction. True self-revelation is vital from the beginning because that initial honesty and vulnerability will determine the patterns of intimacy and relationship that follow. true and honest preparation allows you to share yourself in true and appropriate self-revelations. it can spare them much pain and anguish—and perhaps even more importantly.

There is nothing kept secret that will not come to light. Those who understand {these mysteries} will be given {more knowledge}. You don't want people guessing at the motives behind your interest and 18 . “Jesus said to them. 'Does anyone bring a lamp into a room to put it under a basket or under a bed? Isn't it put on a lamp stand? There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed.see the potential pitfalls and prospects between you and then make mutually-honoring. does this person relate to other people? Do they love Christ? The manifestation phase is an exploratory one in which we give special attention to unanswered questions. and be careful to ask your questions in ways that make your motives clear. for instance. Listening to what is said in conversation is as important as what’s not said. Some things to listen for are obvious. and God-honoring. Don’t assume anything good or bad at this point. One thing I encourage you to do is ask whatever question you may have. Even what they understand will be taken away from them'” (Mark 4:21-25. some people don't understand {these mysteries}. This is the way knowledge increases. How. GW). However. decisions. 'Pay attention to what you're listening too {Knowledge} will be measured out to you by the measure {of attention} you give. Let the person who has ears listen!' He went on to say.

He will also bring to light what is hidden in the dark and reveal people's motives. However. You should also listen carefully not only to what they say about other folks. GW). The real person will then come out. they are likely to be mean to you and your loved ones when times get a little stressful. Do they have good things to say about their co-workers or are they critical? This may say a lot about underlying heart attitudes. but also the tone in which they say things. 19 . Listening to how something is said is almost as important to listening to what is said. “ Therefore. don't judge anything before the appointed time. Men and women who are in this phase can usually tell how they will be received in stressful times by observing how a potential partner treats their parents in tense situations. if they are nasty and mean to their parents. who raised and sacrificed their entire lives for them.getting them wrong! One particularly important thing to listen for during this phase is how the other person refers to others. they will probably be loving to you in tough times. Then each person will receive praise from God” (1 Corinthians 4:5. How do they refer to their parents? Do they speak lovingly about their parents? If so. Wait until the Lord comes. They probably will be kind to your loved ones as well.

So patience here is needed. For Christians. If you truly believe in God. Just as Jesus revealed himself in the Synoptic Gospels. you will be able to make decisions based on where the Spirit is leading you and not where the flesh is leading you. ask the question about what caused the tension in the first place. When you do so. so you should reveal yourself to your partner and vise/versa. It will also tell you about the love this person has for their child. It will tell you about their ability to be honest in relationship issues. The point is: don’t be afraid to ask questions. why can’t you be civil for the child’s sake? If there was a split. You want to learn about 20 . If you have a child from a previous relationship. It will tell you if this person is selfish. you'll put honesty over manipulation and honor God and your neighbor above yourself. this should be basic stuff. Don’t be in a hurry to move forward until all things have been revealed to you. Your faith in God is paramount. if they make everything about them and not the child. It will tell you where their priorities are currently. The agenda should be clear and plain. You should ask simple questions such as: How is your credit? If they have bad credit you should ask them why. There must be true transparency. An evasive answer will tell you a lot! An honest answer will too! Is there any baby mamma/daddy drama? If so. why and was it a clean break? The answers to these questions will tell you a lot about the person.

Manifestation is hard. Live as children who have light. wasted energy. true. and Christ will shine on you'” (Ephesians 5:8-14. GW). Instead. Don't work to create a time-bomb fairy tale that will explode in pain and disappointment. If we say. That's why it says: 'Wake up. and that is true. It is shameful to talk about what some people do in secret. 'We have a relationship with God' and yet live in the dark. Light exposes the true character of everything because light makes everything easy to see. beautiful relationship in which you really know and are known. We aren't being truthful. It’s not easy to talk about transparency. and wasted opportunity. wake up and take 21 . and there isn't any darkness in him. But if you want to avoid the heartache of wasted life. “This is the message we heard from Christ and are reporting to you: God is light. It’s hard to tell the real truth to anyone. Work instead for a real. but now the Lord has filled you with light. Light produces everything that is good. Once you lived in the dark. we're lying. Have nothing to do with the useless works that darkness produces. that has God's approval. Determine which things please the Lord. let alone someone you want to be in relationship with. expose them for what they are. let alone to be transparent. sleeper! Rise from the dead.your partner and you want them to learn about you.

22 .manifestation seriously.

create a mental list of who you will tell and 23 . become a little apprehensive. Often times during this phase. It is a test that measures the ups and downs of sharing about your new relationship (There is a SWAT test you can refer to at the end of this book). stepping back in the analogy to consider your personal relationships. to determine the potential strengths in this sharing process. SWOT stands for strengths. they share the good news of salvation in Christ through proclamation. What we'd like to know is how to tell people about our good news. First. Emboldened by their new connection to God through the Holy Spirit.Propagation The propagation phase of a relationship corresponds to the church's new relationship with God as witnessed in the book of Acts. This is where a SWOT analysis can be helpful. Here we see Paul and the disciples filled with the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues as immediate evidence. like Paul. Now. and miraculous works. propagation represents the particularly interesting time when you tell people about your new bond. weaknesses. opportunities. and threats. we. It's not that we're worried about what to tell people. the disciples spread throughout the land. Commissioned by Jesus to go and spread the good news of His resurrection and the arrival of the Comforter. service.

consider the overall benefits that could come from sharing the news. ask yourself about who would like to see you fail? Who might use your news as a chance to disparage you or even persecute you the way the mob treated Stephen in Acts chapter 7? Would these people possibly lie about you to other folks or compromise your reputation in some way? Propagation is a vital phase in any relationship. to determine the potential threats in sharing. Will those with whom you share be eager to do outings and activities with you as couples? Will the people you tell be valuable counselors whose wisdom and experience will enrich your own relationship? Will these folks defend you and your relational decisions if and when need arises? Finally. As 24 . assess the detriments that could arise from telling certain folks. Let them find out when they find out.what the benefits can come from their responses. What bad might come from sharing? How might these people try to sabotage your new relationship? If. during your considerations. you can think of anything negative. to determine the overall opportunity in spreading the news to certain people. you probably don’t want to tell these folks. Will they be supportive of your relationship? Will they befriend your partner? What good can come from any of these people knowing about your relationship? Second. Third. to determine the potential weakness in this process.

made possible through Jesus. More than that. that you really know them.such. we announce the reality of a relationship with Him. Opposition to marriage is wise when it points out how our plans are just another guise of selfishness. to love the world as He does. But people will also oppose marriage that sets a higher standard that points others to God's ambitious designs for 25 . just another delusional attempt to find a magic pill of happiness. and. God created marriage to be a reflection of His own Triune love. at once declares the standard of love you plan to live by and also what that standard means: that we humans were made to be one in God. empowered by His Spirit alive in us. tying your reputation to theirs. a friend. you want to be aware of who you tell and how their knowledge could affect your relationship with the one you love. Announcing your marriage. first. you want to make sure. Christian marriages are to be prophetic displays of what God is like as a relational being. we announce our fellowship with Him and with each other because of Him. When God sends us out to announce the Gospel. When you decide to completely associate yourself with someone. forwardthinking questions. you must work hard to ask yourself tough. inviting everyone to enjoy the restored relationships of His Kingdom (1 John 1). As such. but second. and what God is like in the world as a lover. as Christians. a parent.

When you invite the world to know about your new relationship. and invite opposition and trial before you're relationship is ready for it. be sure that you've done your homework. 26 . On the other hand. you don't want to be naïve either. and that in striving to meet that standard. you want to make sure it has the stuff for a godly display of love and beauty.marriage: that husband and wife would display His love to the world. In other words. they would be sanctified. That doesn't mean it will be perfect or even pretty. but it does mean you and your potential partner will be committed to showing one another grace and forgiveness as you move forward to love God and the world. serving one to another as the very tools of God for stripping away sin and selfishness.

unneeded. we have generally marginalized the most fundamental reasons for matrimony. or public commitment. We can see this relational stage in the Bible. The big reason for this reality is that people don't understand why—why get married? 27 . Now consider this important question of why in regard to marriage. beginning in the epistle to the Romans and running through Jude. Paul knew why he did what he did: he knew why he worked tirelessly to establish churches. In our day and culture. People today will live together as though they were married but without vows. He did these things because Jesus had called him to do them. For most people today.Explanation In the explanation part of any relationship you really have to understand one thing: WHY are you in the relationship in the first place. He did these things to set a standard for service to the gospel that would take anyone a full. he knew why he passionately evangelized the gentiles. he knew why he toiled in prayer and travels to strengthen new believers in their faith. rings. your relationship will withstand any turbulent times that come your way and be equipped to overcome any obstacles that the world throws at you. marriage is irrelevant. If you understand why. committed lifetime to even approach.

So we can live together. Even churches are accepting the idea as our culture changes. and second in whom we marry. taught the one lasting reason to get married (which we we soon discuss). But not today. So we can have children. Women have children all the time without being married. Today we view marriage as a choice. They're able to care for children. many couples live happily together without getting married. even a matter of style. defunct reasons. Let's review a few of those old. first in whether we get married or not. and support children without a husband. Today. Again. the old church might have expelled and shunned such couples if they didn't get married. protect children.Marriage used to be a given. or societal detriment. Most do so without social stigma. Once upon a time. but now they're often welcomed in and. family pressure. Another obviously outdated reason for marriage. even the Church recognizes that single moms can do a fine job of raising their 28 . We view most of the old reasons for getting married as obsolete. the average person would look at you as if you were a crazy person if you asked “why get married?”. The reasons for marriage were so numerous and vital to life. if they're lucky.

That's a charming old reason. So while once upon a time it may have been embarrassing and debilitating to have children outside of wedlock. Lots of people. "We are now official. To make the relationship official. “We are getting married to make it harder to walk away from each other. So what are we left with? If none of the reasons listed above.” How romantic. then why at all? There is only one reason. live together in harmony and commitment without having spent tons of money on a wedding and announced their resolve to the rafters as if they said it loud enough it would somehow make it true. today that's not necessarily the case.children." You don't need a bunch of folks standing around wearing tuxes and long gowns and watching you go through the motions to make your relationship official. Marriage makes a relationship divine. however. Official status can be achieved by placing an announcement in the newspaper saying. To make a solid commitment. but many women are stuck with husbands who spend extra money on alcohol and entertainment—and that's not idea either. For them to do so may not be ideal. Getting married 29 .

God is introduced into the relationship. but your relationship isn't holy. Until they are married. we can't know what may change and what tomorrow may bring. but because God has also chosen you to be. with all the limitations of being human and subject to human faults and thoughts. We make mistakes. as we will soon see. and family.means that something (or SomeOne) bigger than both of you is bringing you together. commitment. You are married not just because you chose to be. Without marital vows you can have love. a couple's commitment to each other is a human commitment. God becomes an equal partner in the relationship and forms a triune community. The marital vow elevates these lofty commitments beyond human limitations. You can have many reasons but let this serve as an example for why it is necessary. 30 . God has called you to be holy and marriage is a part of that calling. This answers the question why it is important to get married. We can't see the future. Only after such a wedding is your love blessed with the divine imprint of eternity. The blessings made under the marital vow invoke God's name upon the marriage. Only by standing in front of God and witnesses and marrying according to the potent ritual traditions does your union become sacred. and bring God into the union as a partner. A wedding achieves something that simply can't happen otherwise.

Proclamation. And I saw the holy city. I heard a loud shout from the throne. At long last. coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. and they will be his people. history reaches its fulfillment.Consummation Finally. And the sea was also gone. The relationship between God and humanity is fully healed and all that threatened it loses its power. God himself will be with them. Your best relationship now depends first upon avoiding relational time-bombs and then moving carefully through Preparation. In the Bible. Manifestation. we witness consummation in the book of Revelation. the new Jerusalem. you'll have a chance to show the world Consummation. God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them. in this prophetic scene. 31 . Once you've gotten that far. when the New Jerusalem descends to earth: “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. chapter 21. for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. consummation. and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. saying. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. All these things are gone forever'” (21:1-4). and Explanation. 'Look.

And yet consummation is when. It is looking over the many years of friendship. at last. The beginning of a relationship is like preparing to climb a mountain. advance your acquaintance to a deeper level of friendship and teamwork. During that first leg of the journey you establish the relationship. then you begin the climb. and relishing all the deep and wonderful stories you have to tell together. for us. create the fraternity. Like a seasoned investment. so that they can stand together in encouragement and interdependent power. however. it begins to draw choice profits. but their bonds of faith and love have been forged strong and true. you're standing on top of the mountain looking down over the cliffs you have climbed. join the company. the relationship is ready to be shared and savored. When two people reach the consummation phase. It is. with its up and downs. You gather equipment and go over your plans and precautions. is not that clear-cut and triumphant. Consummation is the point in a relationship at which the rewards of longevity set in. Like an aged wine that needed time to become its best. a beautiful and blessed point in any relationship. 32 . It is the exhilaration you feel as you look from the top of the mountain and recall the challenges you not only faced but conquered in climbing. they may still face doubt and storm.Consummation. it's the time when you consider the challenges and risks. a point that prophetically reflects Christ's coming.

this book will prove a key stepping stone along the difficult road of life and intimacy.This little book is basically a primer designed to help you on your way to consummation. 33 . explain ourselves. to help you envision the exhilaration that awaits you at the top of the mountain—if you can avoid the time bomb and make the wise precautionary preparation that will help you on your way. I pray you're better prepared now than when you began reading. God bless you. reveal ourselves. share ourselves. Hopefully. and thereby make the journey towards truly knowing and loving one another. By now we should understand more about how we can prepare ourselves. as you journey toward your best relationship now. Relationships will make you or brake you: it all depends on how well you prepare yourself.

personally and professionally? • What are the top three things that people say I need to improve on. STRENGTHS • What are things that I am good at? • What are the things that people always appreciate about me? • What are my professional achievements? • How do my educational qualifications give me an edge over others? • What are the positive traits in me that are always highlighted through my behavior and my work? • What are the three best physical attributes that people say I have? • How do I use my positive traits (physical and psychological) to achieve what I set out to achieve? WEAKNESSES • What is the one thing that I am most afraid of. making careful record of your answers.SWOT Analysis Get a notebook and ask yourself the following questions. why do I 34 . • What are the things that I avoid doing because I have a sense of fear or apprehension about doing it? • What are the attributes in me that prevent me from acting up against something that I know is wrong? • Do I let people take me for granted? If yes.

do it? Is it because I prefer to avoid conflict over standing up for myself ? • Why is it that some people shy away from asking me for help? • Do I really believe in the things people say about me and do I let it affect my overall demeanor and personality? • Do I get easily influenced by what people say to me under the pretext of giving me 'advice'? OPPORTUNITIES • How can I find out about ways to work on my drawbacks? • What are the things that I can do to make sure that my strengths are highlighted and my weaknesses are not? • Who are the people I can approach for help regarding the drawbacks that I and other people see I me? • What are the professional chances that I can grab in order to prove my mettle to my co-workers and superiors? • How and who can I help with their workload to show that I can be proactive and useful at the same time? • What can I do to feel good about myself and the things I do? THREATS • What are the things that I feel are preventing me from giving my best to everything I do? • Who do I see as possible dangers in my professional life? • Who d I perceive to be a threat in my personal relationships? • What kind of obstacles are present in my work environment that are in my way of a possible promotion? • Who are my immediate competitors for a position or for a job that I know I'm the best choice for? 35 .

Questions you should ask in every relationship: 1. Do you attend church or have other religious commitments? This question is important because you want to know how dedicated they are to their faith and are they actively involved in the growth process. What are your religious views? This question is important because you want to know where their belief system comes from. 4. Everyone believes in something. How serious is your family about its faith? 36 . Do you share my religious views? This question is important because it is important to be equally yoked. Are they into doing family things together on Christmas and New Years etc. Are they being fed spiritually? 6. Do you consider yourself a spiritual person? This question is important because you want to know where his guiding principles come from and whether he believes in God. 5. It is important that cohesiveness in your spirituality is not going to be a long term problem. 3. How does your family spend its favorite holiday? This question is important because you will want to know where the family values are grounded. 2.

she is free from that law. she is at liberty to be married to whom she will. Have ye not read. 5 And said. so that she is no adulteress. she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead. What the Bible says about Marriage How Long Wives Are Bound To Their Husbands • Romans 7:1-3 (KJV) 1 Know ye not. • 1 Corinthians 7:39-40 (KJV) The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth. but if her husband be dead. 40 But she is happier if she so abide. that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave father and mother. 39 Husbands And Wives Becoming One • Genesis 2:24 (KJV) 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother. let not man put asunder. and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain. she be married to another man. • 4 Matthew 19:4-6 (KJV) And he answered and said unto them. 37 . brethren. but one flesh. and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth. she is loosed from the law of her husband. What therefore God hath joined together. but if the husband be dead. only in the Lord.This question can be helpful in determining the kind of core support a person needs for spiritual development and care. 3 So then if. (for I speak to them that know the law. though she be married to another man. after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God. while her husband liveth.

of his flesh. and cleave to his wife. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother. let not man put asunder. The Duties Of A Husband • Deuteronomy 24:5 (KJV) 5 When a man hath taken a new wife. and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain. and of his bones. 15 • Ephesians 5:28-31 (KJV) So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. The Contentions Of A Wife • Proverbs 19:13 (KJV) 13 A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall 38 . • 1 Corinthians 6:15-16 (KJV) Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ. 16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two. but nourisheth and cherisheth it. even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body. saith he.• 6 Mark 10:6-9 (KJV) But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. he shall not go out to war. and they two shall be one flesh. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 28 Prudent Wives • Proverbs 19:14 (KJV) 14 House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. shall be one flesh. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother. but one flesh. and shall be joined unto his wife.

17 Let them be only thine own. and be not bitter against them. to avoid fornication. let every man have his own wife. 28 • Ephesians 5:33 (KJV) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself. and the wife see that she reverence her husband. be ravished with a strange woman. and be thou ravished always with her love. 39 . 2 Nevertheless. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. even as Christ also loved the church. 25 • Ephesians 5:28 (KJV) So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe. 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. and running waters out of thine own well.be free at home one year. 20 And why wilt thou. and not strangers' with thee. love your wives. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. and gave himself for it. love your wives. and embrace the bosom of a stranger? 15 • 1 1 Corinthians 7:1-3 (KJV) Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. • Proverbs 5:15-20 (KJV) Drink waters out of thine own cistern. and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken. let her breasts satisfy thee at all times. 33 • 19 Colossians 3:19 (KJV) Husbands. and let every woman have her own husband. and rivers of waters in the streets. • Ephesians 5:25 (KJV) Husbands. 16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad. my son.

• Ephesians 5:22 (KJV) Wives. that. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart. 33 • Colossians 3:18 (KJV) Wives. 2 Nevertheless. giving honour unto the wife. ye wives. 22 • Ephesians 5:33 (KJV) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself. submit yourselves unto your own husbands. 18 • 1 1 Peter 3:1-6 (KJV) Likewise. if any obey not the word. that your prayers be not hindered. in that which is not 3 40 . or of putting on of apparel. submit yourselves unto your own husbands. and of wearing of gold.• 7 1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) Likewise. as unto the weaker vessel. dwell with them according to knowledge. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair. 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. The Duties Of A Wife • 1 Corinthians 7:1-3 (KJV) 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ye husbands. and as being heirs together of the grace of life. and let every woman have her own husband. let every man have his own wife. to avoid fornication. as it is fit in the Lord. as unto the Lord. they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. and the wife see that she reverence her husband. be in subjection to your own husbands.

and the Perizzite. The Reward For Marrying Idolaters • Exodus 34:11-16 (KJV) 11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also. break their images. and are not afraid with any amazement. is a jealous God: 15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land. thou shalt make no covenant with them. even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. 2 And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee. which is in the sight of God of great price.corruptible. and the Hittite. seven nations greater and mightier than thou. and the Hivite. 16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons. and the Jebusites. • 1 Deuteronomy 7:1-4 (KJV) When the Lord thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it. 12 Take heed to thyself. the Hittites. nor shew mercy unto them: 3 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them. I drive out before thee the Amorite. calling him lord: whose daughters ye are. and the Perizzites. and the Jebusite. and thou eat of his sacrifice. and the Canaanites. nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. and cut down their groves: 14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord. being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham. and do sacrifice unto their gods. and their daughters go a whoring after their gods. and utterly destroy them. who trusted in God. and they go a whoring after their gods. lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest. lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee: 13 But ye shall destroy their altars. and one call thee. whose name is Jealous. and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods. and the Amorites. and hath cast out many nations before thee. and the Hivites. as long as ye do well. thou shalt smite them. thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son. adorned themselves. 4 For they will turn 41 . and the Canaanite. and the Girgashites.

but according to the language of each people. the abomination of Moab. and cursed them. and destroy thee suddenly. 26 Did not Solomon king of Israel sin by these things? yet among many nations was there no king like him. nor take their daughters unto your sons. or for yourselves. • 1 1 Kings 11:1-8 (KJV) But king Solomon loved many strange women. and made them swear by God. women of the Moabites. Zidonians. 23 42 . in the hill that is before Jerusalem. princesses. Edomites. 25 And I contended with them. and Hittites. Ye shall not go in to them. and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. 4 For it came to pass. as was the heart of David his father. when Solomon was old. 8 And likewise did he for all his strange wives. Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons. and could not speak in the Jews' language. which burnt incense and sacrificed unto their gods. and of Moab: 24 And their children spake half in the speech of Ashdod. and went not fully after the Lord. and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. the abomination of the children of Ammon. 3 And he had seven hundred wives. of Ammon.away thy son from following me. that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you. as did David his father. saying. 2 Of the nations concerning which the Lord said unto the children of Israel. neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God. 7 Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh. and smote certain of them. and plucked off their hair. 6 And Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord. together with the daughter of Pharaoh. Ammonites. and for Molech. 5 For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians. • Nehemiah 13:23-27 (KJV) In those days also saw I Jews that had married wives of Ashdod.

and him that offereth an offering unto the Lord of hosts. for Judah hath profaned the holiness of the Lord which he loved. but the wife. 27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. I say. or receiveth it with good will at your hand. out of the tabernacles of Jacob. and hath married the daughter of a strange god. covering the altar of the Lord with tears. Those That Do Not Marry • 1 Corinthians 7:25-38 (KJV) 25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment. with weeping. and an abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem. as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. 28 But and if thou marry. 27 Shall we then hearken unto you to do all this great evil. 5 Defraud ye not one the other. 13 And this have ye done again. 11 The Rights Of Marriage • 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV) 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 12 The Lord will cut off the man that doeth this. the master and the scholar. and come together again. that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. that it is good for a man so to be. to transgress against our God in marrying strange wives? • Malachi 2:11-13 (KJV) Judah hath dealt treacherously. and with crying out. except it be with consent for a time. and if a virgin marry. and God made him king over all Israel: nevertheless even him did outlandish women cause to sin. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body.who was beloved of his God. she hath not sinned. thou hast not sinned. 26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. Nevertheless such shall have 43 . but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body. insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more.

having no necessity. how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world. 35 And this I speak for your own profit. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. 32 But I would have you without carefulness. and obtaineth 44 . how she may please her husband. as though they wept not. that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh. brethren. if she pass the flower of her age. 38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well. not that I may cast a snare upon you. as though they rejoiced not. 36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin. how he may please his wife. 34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. let him do what he will. and they that buy.trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. 29 But this I say. even as the Lord the church: Those That Marry • Proverbs 18:22 (KJV) 22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing. he sinneth not: let them marry. but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better. as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. that both they that have wives be as though they had none. but for that which is comely. but nourisheth and cherisheth it. 37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart. and need so require. and they that rejoice. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord. 31 And they that use this world. 30 And they that weep. Those That Love Their Wife • Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV) 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. doeth well. but hath power over his own will. as though they possessed not. the time is short: it remaineth. and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin.

I say. if she pass the flower of her age. that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world. and need so require. 27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. 36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin. he sinneth not: let them marry. that both they that have wives be as though they had none. that it is good for a man so to be. brethren. doeth well. as though they possessed not. 29 But this I say.favour of the Lord. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord. 31 And they that use this world. 25 45 . 34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. but for that which is comely. 30 And they that weep. 26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress. as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. how he may please his wife. 28 But and if thou marry. the time is short: it remaineth. 38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well. as though they wept not. • 1 Corinthians 7:25-38 (KJV) Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment. how she may please her husband. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. thou hast not sinned. and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin. she hath not sinned. how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord. as though they rejoiced not. but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better. and if a virgin marry. 37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart. and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. but hath power over his own will. and they that rejoice. having no necessity. and they that buy. 35 And this I speak for your own profit. let him do what he will. not that I may cast a snare upon you. 32 But I would have you without carefulness.

she is loosed from the law of her husband. while her husband liveth. committeth adultery against her. and shall marry another. saving for the cause of fornication. and be married to another. she be married to another man. 11 • Luke 16:18 (KJV) Whosoever putteth away his wife. she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead. she is free from that law. (for I speak to them that know the law. except it be for fornication. let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you. 3 So then if. but if the husband be dead.Those That Remarry Or Marry Those Who Have Been Divorced • Matthew 5:31-32 (KJV) 31 It hath been said. and marrieth another. Whosoever shall put away his wife. brethren. 18 • 1 Romans 7:1-3 (KJV) Know ye not. causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth. committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Whosoever shall put away his wife. That whosoever shall put away his wife. committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. 12 And if a woman shall put away her husband. though she be married to another man. she committeth adultery. and marry another. • 9 Matthew 19:9 (KJV) And I say unto you. 46 . so that she is no adulteress. Whosoever shall put away his wife. • Mark 10:11-12 (KJV) And he saith unto them.

12 But to the rest speak I. If a man die. and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean. let him not put her away. 15 But if the unbelieving depart. let her not leave him. having no children. 24 Saying. submit yourselves unto your own husbands. or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. Moses said. 25 Now 47 . 23 For the husband is the head of the wife. let her remain unmarried. Master. and asked him. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not. 16 For what knowest thou. and if he be pleased to dwell with her. What Marriage Is Analogous To • Ephesians 5:22-23 (KJV) 22 Wives. O man. let him depart. not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not. and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart. which say that there is no resurrection. and she be pleased to dwell with him. even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. but now are they holy. as unto the Lord.Unbelieving Spouses • 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 (KJV) 10 And unto the married I command. yet not I. O wife. and raise up seed unto his brother. Who Does Not Marry • Matthew 22:23-32 (KJV) 23 The same day came to him the Sadducees. whether thou shalt save thy wife? What Marriage Is  Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) 4 Marriage is honourable in all. whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou. but the Lord. his brother shall marry his wife.

they neither marry. when he had married a wife. • Mark 12:18-27 (KJV) Then come unto him the Sadducees. I am the God of Abraham. when they shall rise. Moses wrote unto us. and the God of Isaac. that they rise: have ye not read in the book of Moses. and left no seed: last of all the woman died also. unto the seventh. whose wife shall she be of them? for the seven had her to wife. nor are given in marriage. saying. 20 Now there were seven brethren: and the first took a wife. saying. deceased. 22 And the seven had her. Do ye not therefore err. and leave his wife behind him. 18 48 . saying. but of the living. 32 I am the God of Abraham. 24 And Jesus answering said unto them. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry. and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead. and leave no children. which say there is no resurrection. having no issue. and died. but the God of the living: ye therefore do greatly err. 28 Therefore in the resurrection whose wife shall she be of the seven? for they all had her. how in the bush God spake unto him. 26 And as touching the dead. 31 But as touching the resurrection of the dead. and dying left no seed. that his brother should take his wife. 27 And last of all the woman died also. but are as the angels which are in heaven.there were with us seven brethren: and the first. nor the power of God. neither left he any seed: and the third likewise. 23 In the resurrection therefore. and the God of Isaac. 19 Master. 21 And the second took her. Ye do err. have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God. and the third. 29 Jesus answered and said unto them. If a man's brother die. because ye know not the scriptures. left his wife unto his brother: 26 Likewise the second also. neither the power of God? 25 For when they shall rise from the dead. and. and raise up seed unto his brother. not knowing the scriptures. nor are given in marriage. but are as the angels of God in heaven. and the God of Jacob? 27 He is not the God of the dead. and they asked him.

33 Therefore in the resurrection whose wife of them is she? for seven had her to wife. Moses wrote unto us. which deny that there is any resurrection. and the Jebusites. and hath cast out many nations before thee. and raise up seed unto his brother. seven nations greater and mightier than thou. thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son. nor shew mercy unto them: 3 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them. and died. 2 And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee. that they may serve other 49 . and the God of Isaac. and are the children of God. and the Perizzites. and the Girgashites. nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. 4 For they will turn away thy son from following me. thou shalt smite them. 28 Saying. the Hittites. and he died childless. being the children of the resurrection. nor are given in marriage: 36 Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels. but of the living: for all live unto him. and he die without children. thou shalt make no covenant with them. The children of this world marry. 32 Last of all the woman died also. and died without children. Master. when he calleth the Lord the God of Abraham. and the God of Jacob.• Luke 20:27-38 (KJV) Then came to him certain of the Sadducees. and the Canaanites. and they asked him. 37 Now that the dead are raised. If any man's brother die. even Moses shewed at the bush. that his brother should take his wife. 34 And Jesus answering said unto them. and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world. having a wife. and the resurrection from the dead. and the Amorites. and the Hivites. and utterly destroy them. and in like manner the seven also: and they left no children. 38 For he is not a God of the dead. 31 And the third took her. neither marry. 27 Who Not To Marry • Deuteronomy 7:1-4 (KJV) 1 When the Lord thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it. 30 And the second took her to wife. 29 There were therefore seven brethren: and the first took a wife.

even these that remain among you. neither make mention of the name of their gods. and for their heads. and cleave unto the remnant of these nations. 9 For the Lord hath driven out from before you great nations and strong: but as for you. 2 And Joshua called for all Israel. and they to you: • 1 Ezra 9:1-2 (KJV) Now when these things were done. 12 Else if ye do in any wise go back. 6 Be ye therefore very courageous to keep and to do all that is written in the book of the law of Moses. 4 Behold. I have divided unto you by lot these nations that remain. and for their judges. and ye shall possess their land. nor cause to swear by them. and for their officers. and for their elders. and said unto them. as ye have done unto this day. neither serve them. no man hath been able to stand before you unto this day. nor bow yourselves unto them: 8 But cleave unto the Lord your God. and shall make marriages with them. I am old and stricken in age: 3 And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you. 7 That ye come not among these nations. with all the nations that I have cut off.gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you. 10 One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the Lord your God. from Jordan. even unto the great sea westward. 5 And the Lord your God. 11 Take good heed therefore unto yourselves. that ye love the Lord your God. he it is that fighteth for you. as he hath promised you. that ye turn not aside therefrom to the right hand or to the left. he shall expel them from before you. to be an inheritance for your tribes. • 1 Joshua 23:1-12 (KJV) And it came to pass a long time after that the Lord had given rest unto Israel from all their enemies round about. and drive them from out of your sight. the princes came to me. 50 . these that remain among you. for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you. and destroy thee suddenly. as the Lord your God hath promised unto you. that Joshua waxed old and stricken in age. and go in unto them.

The land. O our God. • Ezra 9:10-12 (KJV) And now. 10 • 2 Ezra 10:2-3 (KJV) And Shechaniah the son of Jehiel. according to the counsel of my lord. the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass. their nobles. The people of Israel. and the Levites. neither take their daughters unto your sons. and entered into a curse. have not separated themselves from the people of the lands.saying. is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands. even of the Canaanites. and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever. and such as are born of them. with their abominations. and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. answered and said unto Ezra. the Perizzites. the Jebusites. 2 For they have taken of their daughters for themselves. the Egyptians. which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. 11 Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets. and to observe and do all the 29 51 . nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong. the Hittites. and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea. and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God. the Ammonites. We have trespassed against our God. to walk in God's law. which was given by Moses the servant of God. saying. 12 Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons. and the priests. and let it be done according to the law. and the Amorites. and eat the good of the land. doing according to their abominations. • Nehemiah 10:29-30 (KJV) They clave to their brethren. the Moabites. 3 Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives. one of the sons of Elam. unto which ye go to possess it. and into an oath. what shall we say after this? for we have forsaken thy commandments.

of Ammon. It is good for them if they abide even as I. he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. and God made him king over all Israel: nevertheless even him did outlandish women cause to sin. and not of commandment. and his judgments and his statutes. nor take their daughters unto your sons. and plucked off their hair. and another after that. and lie with her. • 6 1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (KJV) But I speak this by permission. 52 . and made them swear by God. and smote certain of them. 26 Did not Solomon king of Israel sin by these things? yet among many nations was there no king like him. and cursed them. he shall surely endow her to be his wife. nor take their daughters for our sons: • Nehemiah 13:23-27 (KJV) In those days also saw I Jews that had married wives of Ashdod. but according to the language of each people. saying. 9 But if they cannot contain. But every man hath his proper gift of God. 27 Shall we then hearken unto you to do all this great evil. who was beloved of his God. 17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him. to transgress against our God in marrying strange wives? 23 Who Should Get Married • Exodus 22:16-17 (KJV) 16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed. and could not speak in the Jews' language. 30 And that we would not give our daughters unto the people of the land. one after this manner.commandments of the Lord our Lord. 25 And I contended with them. and of Moab: 24 And their children spake half in the speech of Ashdod. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows. or for yourselves. let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons.

to avoid fornication. But every man hath his proper gift of God. let every man have his own wife. It is good for them if they abide even as I. and not of commandment.Why You Should Get Married • 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 (KJV) 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. and let every woman have her own husband. 9 But if they cannot contain. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows. let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. one after this manner. 53 . and another after that. • 6 1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (KJV) But I speak this by permission. 2 Nevertheless.

Drawing from his extensive experiences around the world. and. but I certainly know what not to do. Oregon.” Humor aside. Clayborn explores how the big pattern of God's relationship with His people can teach us 54 . and then in the ministry. his book is the fruit of a desire to share the costly lessons he has learned over the years. as a result he always says.About the Author Clayborn Collins is a Minister at Emmanuel Church. first in the military. “I might not have all the answers about what to do in a relationship. He has been married 3 times. both from successful and unsuccessful relationships. located in Portland.

55 .about healthy patterns of relationship in our own everyday lives. He hopes this book will be a useful tool for blessing relationships everywhere.

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