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"The Gang Goes to the Zoo"
Written by Alexander Cohen & Christopher Cohen
COLD OPEN TITLE: 1:31PM TITLE: ON A TUESDAY TITLE: PHILADELPHIA, PA OVER TITLES WE HEAR: MAC (V.O.) Bro, there is no way you could outrun a grizzly. DENNIS (V.O.) Of course I could, Mac. Bears are all bulk. They’re sluggish, stupid killers. INT. PADDY’S PUB - DAY Charlie, Mac, and Dennis are standing at the bar, each of them next to a separate display board prominently featuring their favorite animal. DENNIS (gesturing slowly down his chest) You see, this cheetah and I possess the lean muscle tone and elegant grace required to make such an escape. And then later that night when he’s sleeping? We’ll be ready to pounce. CHARLIE Man, both you guys are crazy. (to Dennis) A junkyard dog would rip your cheetah to shreds, okay? It has no known predators. (to Mac) And Mac? Bears don’t even hunt for their own food. They eat giant jars of honey and hang out with sad donkeys and tiny, little pigs all day. I mean, what is that? DENNIS Charlie, I’m getting really worried about you, man. You seem to be getting dumber every day. (MORE)
2. DENNIS (CONT'D) Last week I had to stop you from tonguing the wall sockets!
CHARLIE Come on! Look, I was plugging in the Coors sign and the socket was all clogged up. So I had to grease it, you know? Dennis is speechless. MAC Dude, the other day I saw you ironing the pool table. CHARLIE (obviously) Uh, yeah, Mac. That’s how you keep the felt nice and flat. MAC You were using a steam iron on full blast. We had to throw out the table! CHARLIE Well, we were gonna have to replace it soon anyways. It was an old table. DEE enters. DEE Oh my god, you guys. I’ve got a real problem on my hands. MAC Your babies are about to hatch and you haven’t prepared a nest? The guys laugh. DEE Seriously, I’m going to get kicked out of my apartment if I can’t come up with 800 dollars by the end of the week. CHARLIE Dee, we’re in the middle of some major stuff here, OK? She approaches the bar and notices the display boards.
DEE (mocking) What’s this all about? MAC This is a very important project, and we don’t have time to explain every little detail to you. DEE How about just one detail? CHARLIE Look, Frank and I were down at the junkyard-DEE Let me stop you right there, Charlie. Why are you always hanging out in such weird places? CHARLIE Again with this, Dee? So now the junkyard is a “weird place”? DEE Uh, it is if you aren’t a mechanic. CHARLIE Oh, okay. So I guess you think the mannequin factory is a weird place too. DENNIS Pump the brakes for a second there, pal. What were you-- what would anyone be doing at a mannequin factory? CHARLIE Frank and I were trying to recreate the feeling of-(then) I don’t have to explain myself to you. I’m not on trial here. You haven’t gathered the proper evidence to hold me in contempt. FRANK enters. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Frank, will you please tell them that the junkyard is not a “weird place”?
FRANK Where else ya gonna get scrap metal at a decent price? CHARLIE Thank you! Anyway, we were looking for some good scrap and there was this badass junkyard dog. It was huge, man, with big red eyes and foam comin’ out of his mouth. We saw it tear apart a whole bunch of feral cats. I mean, there must have been forty or fifty feral cats. FRANK At least. CHARLIE So I went and told the guys that I found the most badass animal ever-MAC (karate chopping the air) And I swiftly corrected him, because the grizzly bear is easily the most badass animal of all time. DENNIS Neither of you have any idea what you’re talking about. Cheetahs are the fastest animals on land! Charlie, Mac, and Dennis burst into a frenzied argument. Then: DENNIS (CONT’D) Clearly, this is getting us nowhere! We’ve been going around and around like this for the last three hours. MAC God damnit, he’s right. These boards just don’t get the job done. I mean, Charlie, you didn’t even get any pictures. You just drew stick figures and taped dog fur everywhere. CHARLIE The junkyard dog has never been successfully photographed, okay? He’s like Bigfoot, man. (MORE)
5. CHARLIE (CONT'D) If he doesn’t want to be found then he won’t be found.
Mac is dumbfounded. DENNIS Look, the only way we’re going to solve this little dilemma is if we get up close and personal. We gotta roll up our sleeves and do some real investigative work. You know, really put our noses to the grindstone. MAC How the hell are we gonna do that? MAIN TITLES Title: “The Gang Goes to the Zoo” Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
ACT ONE INT. PADDY’S PUB - A LITTLE LATER The gang is busy preparing for the zoo. CHARLIE (going over his mental checklist) I got my sunblock, I got my fanny pack... Mac, you got the mix tape? Mac raises a boombox above his head. It loudly plays “The Circle of Life”. Charlie raises his arms to the heavens. After a beat, Mac stops the tape. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Man, this is gonna be great. Frank, are you comin’? FRANK ‘Course I am. It’s the only place you can get decent cotton candy within 100 miles of Philly. CHARLIE Alright, buddy. You’re officially on team “Junkyard Dog”. DENNIS Charlie, for the last time, there aren’t any junkyard dogs at the zoo. CHARLIE I’m pretty sure they’re in season, dude. Have you seen how many feral cats are running around lately? FRANK No, Dennis is right. The zoo only has wild animals. CHARLIE You wanna talk “wild”? The junkyard dog is literally the homeless person of the animal world. DENNIS Be that as it may, Charlie, you’re just gonna have to pick another animal.
CHARLIE Oh, pick another animal? Why don’t you just own another bar? (to Dee) Why don’t you just have another baby? (to Mac) Why don’t you just find another dad? MAC That’s crossing the line, bro! DENNIS Let’s try to keep this civil. Charlie, there are plenty of other badass animals at the zoo. CHARLIE Yeah? Like what? DENNIS Shit, man. I don’t know. Like, a rhinoceros? Or a python? MAC Or how about one of those giant apes? CHARLIE Oh, so now you’re gonna bring that up? DENNIS Bring what up? MAC Charlie had a bad experience at the zoo when we were in middle school. CHARLIE I don’t want to talk about it, okay? DEE Can you just choose a new animal so we can get out of here? MAC We? You’re not coming with us. DEE Yeah, I am. I think a nice day at the zoo is exactly what I need. (MORE)
8. DEE (CONT'D) You know, take my mind off things, relax, commune with nature.
DENNIS You were just saying you can’t even pay your-(frustrated) Fine, come with us. Or stay here. Or sell your body for crack! I don’t care! Charlie, pick a new animal before I burn this bar to the ground. CHARLIE Alright, stop pressuring me! Charlie covers his eyes in intense concentration. After a beat, he claps his hands once in realization. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Giraffe, dude. MAC A giraffe? That’s not even remotely badass. They’re just tall, gangly horses. CHARLIE What? If it gets close enough, one lick from that black tongue and you’re done for. Now that’s badass! DENNIS That’s definitely not correct-MAC Let’s just go before we get entirely derailed again. The gang starts to exit the bar. CHARLIE I saw it on the Discovery channel, man. That tongue is lethal! MAC Charlie, you don’t even have cable. INT. DENNIS’ CAR - RIGHT AFTER The gang is en route to the zoo. Dennis is driving and Mac is sitting in the front seat. They are fist pumping and chanting.
MAC & DENNIS (in unison) Zoo! Zoo! Zoo! Zoo! MAC I’m so pumped for this. I haven’t been to the zoo since middle school. FRANK Dennis, pull over I gotta fire one off. DENNIS I’m not stopping. I asked three times before we left if you had to use the bathroom. FRANK I didn’t have to go then. DENNIS God, you’re like a child. Just hold it ‘til we get to the zoo. CHARLIE You know, I’m starting to get second thoughts about this whole zoo thing. MAC That was almost twenty years ago. You have got to move on. DENNIS Cut the shit, Charlie. Just tell us what happened. CHARLIE (agitated) This is very personal for me, okay? I said I don’t want to talk about it. DENNIS If you don’t tell me what happened I’m going to drive this car into oncoming traffic. DEE (to Charlie) He’ll do it.
FRANK (shouting) I did not serve two tours in ‘Nam to go out like this! CHARLIE Alright! Jesus, if you’re gonna make such a big deal out of it. Charlie closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. DEE Oh, this should be good. Charlie exhales. CHARLIE So, Mac and I were in middle school and we went on a class field trip to the zoo. (yearning, disappointed) Everyone was really excited about it. It was supposed to be really awesome. MAC It was awesome. CHARLIE Well, you didn’t have a thousand pound gorilla stick its finger up your butthole! Mac laughs while Dennis, Frank, and Dee are audibly aghast. DEE Charlie, are you trying to tell us that you were sexually violated by a primate? DENNIS How does that even begin to happen? CHARLIE It could have happened to anyone, man. We were over by the monkey pit and one of the cool kids threw my favorite baseball card in. DENNIS Let me get this straight. You ventured into a thousand pound gorilla’s lair to get a baseball card back?
CHARLIE It was a Steve Carlton rookie card. Do you have any idea how valuable that is? MAC Like a hundred bucks. CHARLIE He was having a very promising career at the time-(fed up) Look, it doesn’t matter who did what, or how I ended up down there. The point is that I was in the monkey pit, I saw an ape, I started screaming for help, and it molested me! FRANK It’s okay, Charlie. That sort of thing happens pretty often. MAC I’ve literally never heard of that happening before. CHARLIE Yeah, well, later the zookeeper told me that my screams sounded kinda like a gorilla in heat. So... DENNIS So, you were raped... by an ape. MAC Full on ape rape, bro. Dennis and Mac laugh. CHARLIE See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you guys! I mean, today isn’t about that. Today is about figuring out which animal is the most badass. So, can we please just stop it with the “ape rape” talk? (then) Thank you. A beat. DEE So, did you cuddle after?
Everyone laughs except Charlie. EXT. ZOO - TICKET BOOTH - LATER The gang is waiting in line to buy their tickets. FRANK Where’s the bathroom? I really gotta squeeze out a monster. MAC Let’s just get the tickets and you can drop trou once we’re inside. FRANK My stomach's doing flips. It feels like something’s alive in there. CHARLIE Did you cook up that dead squirrel we found? I told you not to do it, man. FRANK What was I supposed to do? Let it go to waste? CHARLIE Well, you’re about to pay the price. (shouting) All aboard the Hershey Squirt Express! Next stop: Fudge Palace! Charlie makes loud “choo-choo” sounds and pulls an imaginary stream whistle. TICKET ATTENDANT (O.C.) Excuse me! We reveal that the gang has been standing at the ticket booth the entire time, holding up a long line of people. TICKET ATTENDANT (CONT’D) Would you like to purchase a ticket or not? CHARLIE Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize everyone was in such a hurry.
DENNIS Apparently, they are, Charlie. It seems we don’t even have time to enjoy a simple conversation. Dennis takes out his wallet and addresses the TICKET ATTENDANT. DENNIS (CONT’D) One student ticket, please. TICKET ATTENDANT Really, sir? DENNIS What’s that supposed to mean? DEE Dennis, just pay full price. DENNIS Hold on, hold on. Dennis takes out his high school student ID and poses next to it. A beat. TICKET ATTENDANT Don’t make me call security. Dennis squints at the attendant with great disdain as he pays full price. EXT. ZOO - ENTRANCE - RIGHT AFTER The gang is looking at maps of the zoo and deciding where to go first. FRANK It says that there’s a bathroom over by the “Reptile House”. CHARLIE I can’t go over there, man. That’s way too close to the monkey pit. Dee notices a sign hanging from the entryway, which reads: “Now Hiring”. She gasps. DEE Look, you guys! This could be the answer to all my problems. The gang looks at the sign.
DENNIS That is, at most, the answer to one of your problems. FRANK (urgently) If I don’t unload these pipes soon we’re gonna have a whole different kind of problem: a poop-in-my-pants kind of problem. DEE Well, that’s completely disgusting. Dee glances at her map. DEE (CONT’D) But, the bathroom is on the way to the employment office. CHARLIE No way, man. (pointing to his map) The “Grizzly Den” is right over here. Let’s go check that out. MAC (flexing) As commanding officer of this scientific expedition, I second that notion. DENNIS You see, Dee, this trip isn’t just a fun day at the zoo for us. We’re here to do some serious academic research. Something you would know nothing about. DEE Fun? I’m about to apply for a job in a zoo, Dennis. Does that sound like fun to you? FRANK (holding his ass) It’s coming. Frank hurries off. DEE Good luck with your “scientific expedition”, boners.
Dee runs after Frank. DENNIS Good riddance. CHARLIE Yeah, trim the fat. Mac nods and the three walk off in the other direction. EXT. ZOO - GRIZZLY DEN - A LITTLE LATER Mac, Charlie, and Dennis arrive at the grizzly bear den to find that all of the bears are asleep. CHARLIE Well, that’s not very badass at all. DENNIS No. No, it isn’t. CHARLIE (pointing to a bear) He’s just kinda lyin’ there. Do you think he’s dead? MAC No way, dude. He’s probably just resting after a long and vicious hunt. DENNIS You see, Mac, that’s exactly his weakness. What good is all that power and strength if he isn’t awake to use it? A cheetah could easily sneak into his den and rip out his jugular while he sleeps. MAC That’s bullshit, bro! Cheetahs sleep too. CHARLIE Come on, Mac. That bear has no chance. If a giraffe was over here he’d stomp its face right off. (gesturing with his neck) And then he’d wrap it up in his long neck and take it back to his babies for a nice lunch.
DENNIS Giraffes don’t eat bears, Charlie. CHARLIE Well, I mean they’re a little big, sure, but the mother giraffe could just like chew up a piece and then spit it out for the babies to eat. MAC That’s birds, dude. CHARLIE Yeah, birds too. Dennis gives Charlie a confused look. MAC Look, dude! The bear’s waking up. Mac pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket and unwraps it to reveal an uncooked steak. He tries to hand it to Dennis. DENNIS Why were you hiding an uncooked steak in your pocket? MAC How else are we gonna see if you’re faster than a grizzly? Look, just hold this and run next to the fence so it chases you. If it gets too close just let go. It’s totally safe, dude. I used to do the same thing with my mom and her cigarettes all the time. DENNIS Are you out of your mind? That sounds incredibly dangerous. There’s no way I’m gonna risk life and limb just to prove you wrong. It’s simply out of the question. A beat. The camera cuts to Dennis holding the steak, running alongside the grizzly enclosure. The bear has no interest. MAC This isn’t working, dude. Dennis stops running.
DENNIS (out of breath) Did you guys see how fast I was going? MAC Damn it, I really thought he’d go for that steak. CHARLIE Yeah, it’s a good cut of meat, man, but maybe you should have brought some honey. Why don’t we just go milk some from a giraffe and try again? Dennis is aghast at Charlie’s stupidity. DENNIS Wow. CHARLIE It’s easy. All we gotta do is change his diet to a lifestyle of only bees. (counting on his fingers) Bumble bees, honey bees... maybe we can get some carpenter bees-DENNIS Stop talking. I did Mac’s stupid experiment and it failed horribly. It’s time to move on. MAC Fine, if it gets Charlie to shut up about those goddamn giraffes. The three walk away from the grizzly den. CHARLIE I feel like you guys aren’t giving giraffes the full respect they deserve, and that’s dangerous. EXT. ZOO - GENERAL PARK AREA - SAME TIME Frank and Dee are on their way to the bathroom. Frank is now sweating from the effort of containing himself. DEE I don’t see a bathroom anywhere, Frank.
FRANK It’s on the map, Deandra! It’s gotta be around here somewhere. If we don’t find it soon I’m gonna birth a chocolate baby! (whispering) I’m crowning. DEE Yeah, I can taste it a little bit. ARTEMIS suddenly approaches from off screen. ARTEMIS (to Frank) Well, well. I thought it was you. I could recognize those gorgeous head pubes anywhere. DEE Artemis? What are you doing here? ARTEMIS I come here to practice my seduction techniques on the apes. Artemis winks at Frank. DEE What? Does that actually work? ARTEMIS Well, I got two of them to throw poo at me, so yeah, I’d say it works. DEE Unless you’re trying to attract Gary Busey, you should probably change your approach. ARTEMIS I like my men to be apelike. Artemis puckers her lips at Frank. ARTEMIS (CONT’D) Sometimes, I even go in there and give the apes handies. FRANK Wait. You can go in there?
ARTEMIS Yeah, there’s a service door behind the ATM. You can get to any of the animal cages from there. Frank has a sudden realization. ARTEMIS (CONT’D) Wanna go down there and get weird with some monkeys? FRANK (truly regretful) As tempting as that sounds, if I don’t get to a bathroom in the next five minutes I’m gonna blow. Frank runs off towards the ATM. ARTEMIS (shouting after Frank) Can I come? (then; to Dee) Let him go. He’ll be back. Artemis turns to Dee and sizes her up. ARTEMIS (CONT’D) So, do you wanna give it a shot with the apes, or what? DEE Gross, no. ARTEMIS Fine, I’ve gotta head back soon anyways. I don’t wanna be late for my labiaplasty. Dee is audibly disgusted. EXT. ZOO - CHEETAH DEN - LATER Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are standing at the Cheetah Den. They are observing a cheetah as it eats a giant piece of raw meat. CHARLIE Okay, that’s a little more badass. I mean, he’s eating the raw flesh of another animal, so that’s pretty much giraffe status.
MAC That’s way beyond giraffe status, dude. The question is whether or not this thing is more badass than a grizzly. DENNIS I think it’s clear, Mac. Look at those muscular haunches and strong, chiseled features. Notice how he ever so delicately chews through his prey, almost as if making sweet, passionate love to it. Mac looks confused. DENNIS (CONT’D) His fur is soft and luxurious, like a nubile boy. And when you look into his eyes the world falls silent, and for one brief moment everything makes sense. Dennis pauses pensively. DENNIS (CONT’D) I’d go so far as to say that I’m sexually attracted to this cheetah. CHARLIE Oh, I’m sexually attracted to it. We’re all sexually attracted to it! That’s not the point, man. MAC Yeah, this is strictly about badassery, bro. And for the record, that grizzly gave me a way bigger chubby than I’m sporting right now. CHARLIE Look, we can compare chubs later. Yes, it’s attractive, but would it survive a giraffe’s lick of death? MAC How many times do we have to tell you, Charlie? Giraffes have normal tongues. They’re just black. CHARLIE No, man! That’s the black plague, like from England times.
MAC Dennis, will you please talk some sense into him? Meanwhile, Dennis has been staring intently at the cheetah, rubbing his nipples. DENNIS Huh? MAC Goddamnit! I feel like neither of you are taking this seriously. First you dismiss the grizzly, which was totally unfair because it didn’t even chase you. Then Charlie’s busy running his mouth about some magical creature that keeps a 400 year old plague on its tongue. And now we come down here and you’re too aroused to-- are you guys even listening? Charlie has joined Dennis, and now they are both rubbing their nipples, while looking fondly at the cheetah. MAC (CONT’D) I’m over it, dude! Let’s just go see the giraffes so we can get back to the bar. DENNIS (snapping out of it) Yeah, I could use a drink. I’m starting to get the shakes. The three begin to leave. CHARLIE We just gotta make sure to keep a safe distance away from the giraffes, you know? We definitely don’t wanna get licked. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. ZOO - EMPLOYMENT OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER Dee approaches the RECEPTIONIST’s desk, which is adorned by a cardboard cut-out of Steve Irwin. There is a speech bubble taped on, which reads, “Krikey! Don’t get stung by parking fees! I validate”. The Receptionist is busy on the computer. Dee rings the service bell multiple times in her face. DEE Hi. Hi, there. RECEPTIONIST (annoyed) Can I help you? DEE Yeah, I saw a sign outside that said you were hiring, so I thought I’d pop over here and get the deets. The Receptionist looks her up and down, disapprovingly. RECEPTIONIST Are you sure? We already have many qualified applicants. The Receptionist gestures towards the waiting room. Dee looks and notices that there are many applicants, all dressed in button-up, beige shirts and thigh-high, beige shorts. DEE Wow. (pointing to the cardboard cut-out) So, everyone’s in their best Steve Irwins, huh? RECEPTIONIST Some people take their interview more seriously than others. Dee scoffs. DEE I may have a little more style than these people, but I am just as serious about this as they are.
RECEPTIONIST Oh, really? What position are you applying for? DEE (mumbling) Animal... special events... coordinator-(clearly) What positions are available, again? RECEPTIONIST There’s an opening for a, shall we say, “avian specialist”. DEE Oh, yeah. I’m applying for that. People tell me that I have a very special connection with birds. RECEPTIONIST (smirking) I can tell. DEE What’s that supposed to mean? The Receptionist hands Dee an application. RECEPTIONIST I think you know exactly what that means. Dee takes the application. DEE Uh, sure. (under her breath) Dumb bitch. Dee sits down in the waiting area next to another APPLICANT who has already finished his application. Dee tentatively begins to fill out the form. APPLICANT First time? DEE What gave it away?
APPLICANT I’ve seen your sort before. You come here off the street looking for an easy paycheck. You don’t care about who’s come before you, or who you leave in your dust. DEE I’m sorry, can we-APPLICANT You think this is an aquarium? Well, guess what. I’ve paid my dues. Three years at the Philly Petting Zoo, cleaning the pigs and shovelling their shit. Do you have any idea how much shit five potbellied pigs produce? DEE Probably a lot, but-APPLICANT (pointing) You see Darryl over there? He’s been the janitor here for five years. You think he likes cleaning up sticky, cotton candy shits all day? DEE Well, you only sell peanuts and cotton candy-APPLICANT (pointing) And Sandy, there? She’s a self starter, trying to make it into the bigs. Been raisin’ wild animals and cleaning their shit since before she could walk. DEE It sounds like you people just clean shit all day. APPLICANT Yeah, pretty much. Look, lady. I wish there was enough shit for all of us, but the cold hard truth is that you can only make an animal shit so much. Believe me. I’ve tried.
Dee looks confused. APPLICANT (CONT’D) So don’t think you can just walk in here with your fancy clothes and your high-heeled shoes, and steal our shit away. That shit is our dreams! Awkward silence. EXT. ZOO - ATM AREA - SAME TIME Frank hurriedly waddles behind the ATM towards the service door. He takes a suspicious look around to make sure that the coast is clear, and then opens the door and walks through. EXT. ZOO - GIRAFFE AREA - SAME TIME Charlie, Mac, and Dennis are watching as a giraffe slowly chews on some grass; Charlie has authentic concerns for their safety. Mac takes a step towards the giraffe. CHARLIE Not too close, Mac! MAC Dude, he’s not dangerous at all. He’s like a giant, retarded horse. I mean, do you see what he’s eating? That grass is covered in shit, Charlie. He’s probably eating his own shit. CHARLIE Well, okay, there’s a little shit, sure. But I mean, look how tall he is. He’s gotta be at least fifty feet tall, man! (then) I’m callin’ this guy Tall Frank. MAC Literally nothing you just said is badass. CHARLIE Come on! Let’s say you need to look over a really high wall, you know?
DENNIS When have you ever needed to look over a really high wall? CHARLIE I haven’t yet, but what if I move into a new house with really high walls, and I suspect that my neighbor is making sex to the waitress? MAC So, I take it you’re together in this fantasy? CHARLIE Of course, dude. We’re married! And we have lots of babies together, and she has a fresh milksteak ready for me when I come home from the bar, and she reads me my favorite bedtime stories-MAC Jesus, alright! CHARLIE So, I start to suspect that this guy is givin’ it to the waitress. She’s coming home from work late, and she’s “going out with the girls” more often, and she smells like vodka and shame when she gets back-DENNIS I refuse to go down this rabbit hole into Charlieland! (spiteful) She’ll never, ever, love you. CHARLIE (to the giraffe) Lick him, Tall Frank! Charlie strikes a battle pose and waits for the giraffe to attack. Nothing happens. CHARLIE (CONT’D) That was pretty fast. I couldn’t even see it. Do you feel licked? Dennis sighs.
DENNIS Can we just vote on which animal is the most badass so we can put this all behind us? CHARLIE Do we really need to vote? I think it’s pretty obvious the giraffe won us over. DENNIS Absolutely not. CHARLIE Well, it won me over. MAC Come on, dude. If you vote giraffe, Dennis will vote cheetah, I’ll vote grizzly, and we’ll be back to square one. CHARLIE Of course I’m going to vote giraffe. Do you even see this thing? It’s king of all the land. Mac and Dennis begin to resign when: DENNIS Well, hold on now. That just got me thinking. What’s the one thing all of our animals have in common? CHARLIE Big dicks? DENNIS Well, yes, Charlie. Huge dicks. But you see, our animals all share one other very important thing. They’re all beasts of the land. Maybe we’ve been looking in the wrong place this whole time. Maybe it’s not a beast of the land we’re looking for, but a beast of the sky. Dennis points skyward. Charlie looks up. A beat. CHARLIE Clouds, man?
DENNIS No. No. Eagles. I was talking about eagles, you dumb shit. MAC Damn, dude. Maybe you’re right. I mean, it is our national animal. Who are we to deny our forefathers? CHARLIE I wouldn’t want to do that. DENNIS Me neither. (gesturing at the giraffe) Honestly, whatever gets us away from this hideous beast. Charlie, are we done here? CHARLIE Yeah, I guess so. Mac and Dennis start to walk away. CHARLIE (CONT’D) (to the giraffe) Please don’t lick Dennis. He’s tired. We’re all tired. We don’t even know what we’re saying! MAC (O.C.) Charlie, you coming? CHARLIE Yeah! (to the giraffe) I’ll be back to free you later, Tall Frank. Be strong. Charlie jogs off. Tall Frank shits, uncaring. INT. ZOO - SERVICE AREA - LATER Frank is running down a long hallway. There are many doors, each leading to different service rooms and animal enclosures. Near the end of the hallway he notices a door labeled, “Service Restroom”, and attempts to open it. FRANK Please, for the love of all that’s holy! It’s locked.
FRANK (CONT’D) (to the heavens) Why have you forsaken me, lord? INT. ZOO - INTERVIEWER’S OFFICE - SAME TIME The INTERVIEWER sits at his desk, nursing an open bottle of Jack Daniels. He is slowly caressing the barrel of a handgun against his temple. INTERVIEWER Not long now. INTERCOM (V.O.) Sir, your next applicant is ready. Roger scrambles to hide the paraphernalia. INTERVIEWER Yes. Yes, send him in. After a moment, Dee enters the room. DEE Hey, I’m here for the interview? Upon seeing Dee, Roger immediately perks up. INTERVIEWER Of course, of course. Come in! Dee takes a seat. INTERVIEWER (CONT’D) It’s so refreshing to have a normal person in here for a change. DEE Yeah, it’s a complete freak show out there. INTERVIEWER I’ve been cooped up with these people for the last eight years. DEE Well, maybe it’s time to shake things up. INTERVIEWER (flirting) Maybe.
Roger opens his desk drawer and retrieves the bottle of Jack Daniels. INTERVIEWER (CONT’D) Can I offer you a drink? DEE Oh. Sure. Roger takes out two glasses and pours a generous amount into each. DEE (CONT’D) Now this is my kinda office. INTERVIEWER (handing her a glass) So, tell me a little about yourself. DEE Well, Mr. Interviewer-INTERVIEWER Please, call me Roger. DEE (pantomiming into a walkietalkie) Roger that. They both laugh. DEE (CONT’D) Well, Roger, I’m a go-getter, takeno-prisoners, leave-no-man-behind kind of gal. ROGER (flirting) I like the sound of that. DEE Mmhmm. (then; lying) I was a cheerleader for the Philadelphia Eagles, but I had to quit so I could take care of my sick, old grandma. ROGER That’s very selfless of you.
DEE You know, Roger, that’s just who I am. When I see a gross, old person I don’t ask questions. I don’t go around saying, “who let this old bag off her leash”? I’m not like that. I’m just compelled to help. ROGER That’s wonderful. We could use someone like that around here. So, tell me, how do you feel about the position? DEE Roger, I feel great about it. I just love birds. And they love me! Dee laughs momentarily, and then becomes solemn. DEE (CONT’D) Actually, it was my sick, old grandpa’s dying wish that I get a job doing what I love. ROGER You mean your grandma? DEE (making it up as she goes) Well, uh, she was a tranny. It’s pretty personal. Can we not talk about it? ROGER I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. DEE It’s okay. It takes a lot more than that to offend me, Rog. Roger leans forward and places a hand on Dee’s thigh. ROGER Like this? DEE Yup, that’s doin’ it. (then) Could you please stop touching me? Roger retracts his hand.
ROGER (hurt) Oh. I just thought we had a really great connection. We were laughing and sharing our feelings. And... Roger starts tearing up. ROGER (CONT’D) And I’ve been going through a lot of stuff lately. My wife left me and took the kids. I made some bad business decisions and ended up losing my entire life savings in an organic cat food Ponzi scheme. (then) Now I’m living in my car, using old motor oil as lubricant and waiting to die. Roger begins crying. ROGER (CONT’D) I’m so alone! Roger is now sobbing. Dee is extremely uncomfortable. DEE Please, stop. Roger bawls uncontrollably. DEE (CONT’D) Please? Just... don’t... (then) Okay, you can touch me a little. INT. ZOO - MAINTENANCE TUNNEL - A LITTLE LATER Frank runs down the tunnel. After turning a corner he is halted by a JANITOR. JANITOR Whoa, what are you doing down here? FRANK I... uh... I’m-JANITOR Can’t find a bathroom, can you? FRANK How’d you know?
JANITOR There isn’t a single bathroom in this entire zoo. Five thousand people a day and not one god damned toilet. Just signs pointing you to other signs, leading you nowhere. (then) Plus, you’re holding your ass and it smells like shit. FRANK You gotta help me! JANITOR Well, I don’t recommend it, but the gorilla feeding area is up ahead. You can probably pop a squat in there. FRANK Thank you! Thank you! Frank runs off towards an iron gate labeled “Gorilla Feeding Area”. He yanks it open and barges through. The janitor begins to turn away when he notices: JANITOR (to himself) Oh, there’s a bathroom right here. EXT. ZOO - AVIAN AREA - SAME TIME Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are watching as an eagle majestically soars around its enclosure. DENNIS It’s so damn graceful. MAC Do you see those talons? It’s like the velociraptor of the sky. DENNIS What do you think, Charlie? CHARLIE I’m full mast, bro! MAC (excited) You too?
CHARLIE So full right now. DENNIS I think we’ve all got a little wind in our sails. Hell, I’d be willing to switch my vote to eagle right now. MAC Yeah, man. The grizzly was great, but this eagle is giving me a star spangled boner. CHARLIE Alright, I’m on board. DENNIS Thank god! Then it’s settled. The eagle is the most badass animal on the planet. CHARLIE Not counting the junkyard dog, obviously. Dennis and Mac start to interject, but are interrupted by a familiar voice. DEE (O.C.) (drunk) I don’t think you should be drinking on the job either. Dee is slumped against a cotton candy machine, wearing a giant bird suit. She has Roger’s bottle of Jack Daniels in hand. DEE (CONT’D) I have feelings too, buddy. How would you like it if I made bird noises at you? Dee does her best to make bird noises at the CHILD, but all she can muster is a drunken slur of sound. The Child starts crying. His MOTHER appears. She picks him up and turns to Dee. MOTHER What kind of monster are you? I’m gonna report this to your supervisor. The Mother carries her Child away.
DEE Well, I’m gonna report you to the ugly bitch bureau. Dee throws a freshly spun wand of cotton candy after them. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie approach Dee. DENNIS Jesus, Dee. What the hell is going on here? DEE Oh, so now you care about my problems? Now you’re all my best friends? DENNIS Of course not. I just thought we should give you a fair chance to explain yourself before we lay into you. You know, really go for tears. DEE I needed money for rent! I told you in the bar! MAC When? DENNIS I can’t believe you’d sink this low. I’d rather you turn tricks on the street than become a common circus monkey. DEE I’ve only had the job for the ten minutes, but I’m starting agree with you. And the worst is that I had to let some sad touch my lady parts. DENNIS He must have been incredibly lonely. MAC I’m surprised he even made you wear the costume. CHARLIE Yeah, she looks less like a bird now than she did before. last to part dude
DEE Can we please just go back to the bar? I need to shower. MAC What about your rent? DEE I’ll sell a kidney if I have to. CHARLIE You can sell those? I knew I shouldn’t have given one away. Short Frank’s such a liar, man. DENNIS (noticing Frank’s absence) Where is Frank? DEE I think he was looking for a bathroom over by the monkeys. DENNIS Let’s find him and get the hell out of here. I’ve seen enough exotic balls for one day. EXT. ZOO - GORILLA PIT - RIGHT AFTER Dennis, Mac, Charlie, and Dee are walking past the gorilla pit. MAC You can’t bring an eagle back to the bar, dude. That’s illegal! DEE Yeah, Charlie. I thought you were supposed to be an “expert” in bird law. CHARLIE I deal mostly in sea birds. Look, we can leave the eagle, but I’m definitely bringing Tall Frank-Charlie sees Frank in the Gorilla Pit. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Is that Short Frank?
The gang turns to the gorilla enclosure to see Frank squatting over a freshly dug hole. Frank spots the gang. FRANK Hey, guys! I found the bathroom! Charlie notices one of the gorillas perk up at the sound of Frank’s yell. CHARLIE Frank! Keep your voice down! It’s right behind you! FRANK (yelling even louder) What? Let me drop this bomb and I’ll be up in a sec. MUSIC CUE: FADE IN (”AT THE ZOO” BY SIMON & GARFUNKEL) Frank is having a hard time defecating and emits a guttural scream. A rather large gorilla approaches Frank from behind. The gang is shouting and pointing at the gorilla, but Frank doesn’t notice until the last second. He turns and finally sees the beast in front of him. FRANK (CONT’D) Not again. The gang looks on in horror as Frank is violated by the gorilla. Frank’s screams echo throughout the zoo. MAC Oh, shit. I guess that does happen pretty often. “AT THE ZOO” reaches the second chorus: “the monkeys stand for honesty, giraffes are insincere...” FADE OUT. END OF SHOW
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