P. 1
Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller

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Published by Fábio Pilger

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Published by: Fábio Pilger on Sep 13, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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12/31/2014

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Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's
talking to a FRIEND.

JEANIE

(mean, vicious)
I'm gonna bust his buns.

FRIEND

Why? What's the point?

JEANIE

Why? Because I'm sick of the little
dope. He manipulates my parents, he
does whatever he wants, whenever he
wants and he never gets nailed.
(wicked pause)
Well, babe, today I'm the hammer.

She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The
straps rip off in her hand.

FRIEND

I think he's cute.

JEANIE

Sweetie, it's an established fact that
you have no taste. Ferris is not cute.
He's not charming. He's not nice. He's
not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant
mule and the sooner everybody in this
school comes to that realization the
better off we'll all be.

She displays the velcro straps to her friend.

JEANIE

See? My brother strokes you, you
sympathize with him, I get pissed
off and this is what happens!

Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor.

JEANIE

Let me tell you something. I study
hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm
considerate, I'm friendly and fair
to all kinds of people. Except
morons. I try to be everything a
good, decent person should be and
you know what?

FRIEND

Everybody thinks you're an asshole.

Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue.

JEANIE

Excuse me?

FRIEND

I don't think you're an asshole.

JEANIE

Who does?

Her friend smiles sheepishly.

JEANIE

Rachel?

Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but
verbally confirm.

JEANIE

Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else?

FRIEND

I don't know. Just forget it.

JEANIE

Forget that everybody thinks I'm an

asshole? Would you like everybody to
think you're an asshole?

FRIEND

Not everybody thinks you're an
asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you.

JEANIE

Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat
fifty year old clod with B.O.
likes me.

Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief.

JEANIE

Would everybody be happier if
maybe I were to die in a flaming
car accident or something?

FRIEND

Maybe if you didn't cat like and
asshole...

JEANIE

Am I acting like an asshole?

FRIEND

I didn't mean it that way.

JEANIE

I this a conspiracy to shit all
over me or something? Is my brother
behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll
sock your tits.

FRIEND

You really do have a problem, Jeanie.

JEANIE

Me? I have a problem?

FRIEND

Somebody who threatens to sock people's
tits has a problem.

JEANIE

Alright. How about if I sock your
face?

Jeanie's friend gets up.

FRIEND

Take a walk, Jeanie.

Her friend exits.

JEANIE

(yells after her)
If it means anything to you, I
have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING

ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT!

She snarls and slumps against the lockers.

JEANIE

He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat.

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