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Scumbag Quiz

Scumbag Quiz

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Published by Mary Kate Brennan

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Published by: Mary Kate Brennan on Oct 02, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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— Chapter 4 —

umbag hat Kind of Sc W Are You?
Cheater Profile s

Cheaters are a hard bunch to stereotype. They’re quite a diverse lot. A two-timer isn’t always going to be some fast-talker with oily hair and a cheap suit, or an orange-tanned, beach-bodied douche bag who likes to talk about his six-pack. We’ve categorized the nine basic types of scumbags so that you can identify your own strengths and weaknesses.

Cheater Class 1: the Accidental tourist
Mo: a guy who cheats unintentionally due to the influence of alcohol or controlled substances. He truly didn’t mean to do it. odds of Getting Caught: probable. His overwhelming guilt will



lead him to behave suspiciously, which will prompt an interrogation, which will draw out a confession.

Cheater Class 2: the Rookie
Mo: stiff, straightlaced, neurotic, and obsessively organized. Attempts at cheating are sabotaged by overplanning and too much attention to detail. odds of Getting Caught: high. While thoroughness is a useful tool, being suave is instrumental. If you can’t be cool during a cheat, mistakes will be made.

Cheater Class 3: the Addict
Mo: lack of childhood family structure and proper upbringing have led to relentless cheating on every woman he’s ever been with. Translation: he’ll bang anything, anywhere, anytime. odds of Getting Caught: definite. Because of his sloppy preparation and execution, the bottom is inevitable.

Cheater Class 4: the undercover Cop
Mo: very private. He definitely cheats; he just tries to appear faithful, and mostly succeeds. His friends know he does it, and he knows he does it. But he’ll die before he admits it. odds of Getting Caught: low. You could waterboard him for days, but he’d never talk. Be forewarned: the Undercover Cop’s approach also makes him believe that he’s morally superior to the average cheater. Bullshit.

What Kind of Scumbag Are You?


Cheater Class 5: the Defensive offensive
Mo: a man who cheats out of sheer panic. His girlfriend doesn’t call him back quickly enough, so his insecurity convinces him that she’s cheating on him. He then cheats frantically in retaliation. odds of Getting Caught: almost definite. This guy is like a cop who shoots somebody because he thinks the hairbrush they’re holding is a pistol. Be forewarned: this is the most dangerous type of cheater. Never cheat without a strategy.

Cheater Class 6: the Artist
Mo: pretends to have an interest in exploring his creative side so that he can take a course in painting, pottery, or acting— and then try to bang the girls in it. odds of Getting Caught: fairly low, as long as he’s willing to talk to his wife/girlfriend at length about how the classes are helping him “grow and discover.”

Cheater Class 7: the Codependent
Mo: loves to fuck around, but has no concept of independence or self-reliance. Ashamed of his infidelity, he charmingly drags his pals into his predicament so that he can feel the comfort of being surrounded by fellow sinners. Talks a lot about “the team,” but is out only for himself. odds of Getting Caught: not only is he going to get popped, he’s going to bring down everyone else with him. Be forewarned: stay away from this guy. No matter how much fun he seems to be, he is not your friend.



Cheater Class 8: the Serial Killer
Mo: the demon with the million-dollar smile. A clergyman, senator, family man, or other likable asshole who cons you into believing that he’s as wholesome as a park picnic. Meanwhile, he’s sharpening his cock the whole time. odds of Getting Caught: extremely low, since he’s not a likely suspect. However, if the shit goes down for this guy, the backlash will be newsworthy. Be forewarned: this type of cheater feels compelled to collect potentially incriminating mementos from his mark (nude photos, dirty letters/emails, etc.) and then leave these items in relatively easy-to-find places—almost like he wants to get caught.

Cheater Class 9: the Rock Star
Mo: good-looking, powerful, and unstoppable with women. Has a high sex drive, very few ethics, and zero remorse. He is able to charm his way in and out of any situation. This is the Teflon Don. odds of Getting Caught: impossible. Even his girlfriend/wife will be blinded by his charisma, never suspecting that he’d deceive her.

Cheater Profiles Quiz


From what you’ve just read, you now know that cheaters come in all shapes and sizes. Understanding what breed of dog you are and what other kinds of dogs are out there will only facilitate your success in scoring side snatch.
1. If you believe that when you cheated it truly wasn’t your fault and/or your own doing, you’re: (a) insane. (b) an idiot. (c) a child. (d) the Accidental Tourist. 2. the Codependent is great to hang around with because: (a) he gets you a lot of puss. (b) he’s great for a laugh. (c) both A and B. (d) he’s never great to hang with. Stay away from this asshole. 3. Another name for the Serial Killer could be: (a) Tiger Woods. (b) the famous black guy who plays professional golf. (c) the guy who, as a two-year-old kid, outputted comedian Bob Hope on The Mike Douglas Show in 1978. (d) Eldrick Tont Woods, aka Tiger. 4. You know you’re a Rock Star if you: (a) got pinched only once, but it was because you felt like it.



(b) never got pinched, but secretly want to because this cheating shit is getting out of hand. (c) retired your jersey at long last after banging every single type of broad you could possibly imagine. (d) finally stopped cheating—with a record of zero convictions—but only because you died. 5. If you want to easily justify your selfish infidelity, the best type of cheater to be is: (a) an Addict. After all, you’re doing it only because of the way you were raised. (b) an Undercover Cop. After all, it’s not like you’re flaunting it or anything. (c) a Defensive Offensive. After all, a guy needs to stand up for himself. (d) the Artist. After all, at least you’re learning while you do it.

Answer key: (1) a, b, c, d, (2) a, b, c, d, (3) a, b, c, d, (4) a, b, c, d, (5) a, b, c, d.

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