The Most Holy Trinity: Communio, Friendship, Family, and Community Life

Foundational Principles of the Theology of the Body

What is the Theology of the Body? The TOB is a series of 129 Wednesday Audiences given during the first six years of his pontificate. He said that it is biblical reflection on the theological meaning of the human body. Corrected Translation When it was originally delivered there were a total of six different intermittent translators and the was a lack of consistency in the use of key terms. For example, the pivotal term, Spousal Meaning of the Body was translated 7 different ways: nuptial meaning, nuptial significance, matrimonial significance, conjugal meaning, conjugal significance, spousal significance, and finally spousal meaning. Because it was translated piecemeal, week by week, the original titles and structure of the holy father was lost. Michael Waldstein in recent years has published a corrected translation in which the original Polish manuscript was consulted and matched along with the official Italian text and because the holy father was still alive at the time, he was personally consulted in the process. The best translation to use is called, Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body translated by Michael Waldstein that came out in 2006. As we know, a General Audience is the genre by which the Insegnamenti series identifies the regular Wednesday discourses of the sovereign Pontiff. These are catecheses, which as Vatican II in Christus Dominus stated, has pride of place for a bishop, especially for the bishop of Rome. Because the intended audience is the Church universal, we must pay attention to how these teachings ought to be received by the faithful, especially by the authenticated teachers of the faith, bishops and their co-workers, the priests. It can be said that since the Pope speaks to the universal Church, in the form of teaching central to his office of bishop, on a topic that regards faith and morals, that the TOB must be received with religious submission of mind and will. The holy Father recognizes that Scripture is the soul of sacred theology and the TOB is merely reflections or a commentary on what the scriptures mean with regard to our bodies. The holy father interpret scripture in a very full sense: in both the literal and spiritual senses, using historical and cultural human hagiographers and their intention in writing to penetrate deeper into the allegorical, moral, anagogical senses of the Word of God. With a lively faith, the holy father tells us that the TOB is really a living encounter with Jesus, who has a living dialogue with each person about their body. It is the voice of the Master that one ought to hear when reading the TOB, for it is the same voice that can be heard in the depths of the human heart making the TOB a very personal experience and encounter with God in ones own body.

Structure There are two major divisions of the TOB, the are divided very much like the Mass. Part One: the Words of Christ and Part Two: the Sacrament. The first part is then divided what the holy father calls a tryptych - three parts that all compose one kind of picture. The way I like to explain this part is by an analogy of a life experience that happened to me when I was training boy scouts how to use a map and compass. Three small scouts and myself were in a kind of swampy forest and they were asked to find there way to the other side. I showed them where the starting point and the ending point were and they began the trek. It wasnt soon before they were lost. They began to panic when I asked them three simple questions: Where did we come from? Where are we going? Where are we now? They began to look at the topographical signs, hills, streams, and it wasnt long before they were able to triangulate where we were. The theology of the body is like this. The first part shows where we come from: Christ appeals to the beginning. The second part is where we are now: Christ appeals to the human heart - this is mans situation in history. The third part is where we are going: Christ appeals to the resurrection - the eternal destiny of our bodies in the glory of God. You could also say that this is a kind of trinitarian triangulation that Christ has with each person. He shows them that the Father has created them in Christ before the world began revealing to them the primordial meaning of the body that are revealed by our first parents. Then Christ shows them that he knows exactly where they are right now in the state of fallen man, battling with concupiscience and their own personal tendency toward sin calling man to fight the battle of redemption for his body. Finally he shows the distance between who the Father created them to be and exactly where they are at right now - to reveal the Holy Spirit filling in this gap and calling them to their eschatological destination. The second part is really about the Great Sacrament, the Magnum Mysterium of Christ and in two parts: the dimension of the covenant of God with Man as a revelation of the dimension of the conjugal covenant of Christian marriage and the second part that is a discussion of the rite of holy matrimony, a kind of liturgical exegesis on the dimension of the sacramental sign and what it means. After all this, then the very tail end the holy father is ready to talk about Humanae Vitae and this composes the last part of the work. Let me share here what Cardinal Schnborn said where the three major contributions of Bl Pope John Paul in the Theology of the Body: 1. The image of God is found in man and woman above all in the communion between them, which reflects the communion of love between the persons of the Trinity 2. In Gods design, the spousal union of man and woman is the original effective sign through which holiness entered the world. 3. This visible sign of marriage in the beginning is connected with the visible sign of Christs spousal love for the Church and is thus the foundation of the whole sacramental order

In the Beginning We begin with the conversation Jesus has with the Pharisees in Matthew 19, where he says that Moses permitted divorce because of our hardness of heart, but in the beginning it was not so. Here we enter into dialogue with Jesus who walks us through primordial man, the first few chapters of Genesis. Here the pope gives one of his greatest insights to the TOB and really to his papacy and our epoch we live in now: man is created in the image and likeness of God for communion not only with God, but to live out this communion with God in communion with each other, particularly in the one-man and one-woman union. Now the old penny catechism asks the question, Is the image and likeness of God primarily in the body or in the soul? In the soul is the answer. This notion of man and womans union does not change that but only shows that it is not only in the soul, but a communion of body and soul, primarily of the soul. I say this because some people struggle understanding what appears to be a redefinition or shift of Christian doctrine, when in reality it is only a deepening. Animals live a male-female union and if we reduce this to a bodily union we might as well say that they live in the image and likeness of God the same way we do, but the holy father is referring her to the union of the whole person, body, soul, and spirit. Just as the Father and Son love each other and the name of that Love is called the Holy Spirit, man and woman love one another in fruitful communion and bear life that becomes another human person. Then the holy father takes us on a journey through the second account of creation that shows mans original experience of his own body first through his solitude, elevation above visible creation, awareness of his own self-consciousness and self-determination, and that he finds that no other creature can satisfy his need for communion. Then when God creates for him his other self, i.e. for woman he discovers the love of God realized in the gift woman and sees himself as a gift to her, discovers his own complimentarity, and find himself in a communion of persons. Next the holy father talks about mans primordial experience of his body as naked without shame before God and before woman, with complete openness and vulnerability. This leads us to another key topic in the TOB: the Spousal Meaning of the Body, that the body itself is revealed as a gift to the other, man can only find this meaning and love in a disinterested gift of self to the other. The Spousal Meaning of the Body constitutes the fundamental component of human existence in the world and is expressed either in the conjugal covenant of marriage or in the gift of oneself for the Kingdom of heaven. Christ Appeals to the Human Heart The next section is based on Christs comments in the sermon on the mount, You have heard it said, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you, whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Here Jesus shows that he knows what is in man and that he knows exactly what man is going through. The value of this chapter is this: exactly as you are right now, Jesus knows and accepts where you are and if you are honest with him and yourself he is willing to take upon your misery and transform it for his glory. Jesus loves you as you are! He knows and understands you. This is of the utmost importance for what the holy father says next - to recover this interior glance of the heart so that it

can begin to look upon the human body to behold the mystery of God. This is where he gives his definition of purity: To behold the mystery of God through the gift of the human body. Then Jesus takes us through the 3rd chapter of Genesis - the fall, and not only our first parents but begins this discussion with each person so as to reveal to them their need for redemption. The other important insight of this section is that Christ doesnt accuse the heart but calls it to a higher life. He ends this section with a discussion of purity as life in the Spirit. Christ Appeals to the Resurrection This section begins with Christ speaking to the Saducees who ask him whose spouse the seven brothers wife will be in the resurrection. This is really a silly question. Hearkens back to the catechetical question that kids ask, did Adam and Eve have belly buttons or something of this sort. Jesus answer is clear: Have you not read in the book of Moses, in the story about the bush, how God said to him, I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? He is not God of the dead, but of the living. Jesus points out here that the body is made for resurrection and eternal communion with God. Here the holy father gives another pivotal term: the Virginal Meaning of the Body. While the Spousal Meaning of the body signifies that the body is made for communion, the virginal meaning of the body points out that the body is made ultimately only for God. Those who live in a gift of celibate love gift their body totally to Christ now to be an eschatological sign of what is to come. He concludes this section and the entire first part with the a call to the redemption of the body, to which Christ calls each of us, pointing out that this primarily a work of God and calls for mans vigorous participation. Part Two: The Sacrament The Dimension of Covenant and Grace The holy father begins the next half of the TOB with a discussion on Ephesians 5, especially talking about the Great Sacrament, the Magnum Mysterium of Christ and the Church. His monumental insight here is that the union of man and woman signifies what is the source of all grace to mankind - Gods covenant with man, Christs marriage to the Church, and in every Sacrament this covenant is revealed and gifted once again to man. Here he introduces an idea of the language of the body that is essential later in his commentary on Humanae Vitae. He speaks about Christ saying to the Church and man saying to woman, This is my body, which is given up for you. The Dimension of the Sign The next section he does a kind of liturgical exegesis on the rite of marriage explaining how in the rite itself is revealed the theology of indissolubility. The other interesting thing he does here is show how the Song of Solomon talks both about mans love for woman and therefore of Christs love for the Church.

Third and Final Part: He Gave them the Law of Life as their Inheritance The final part is perhaps the most important. He shows the final destination of these reflections as explaining the sexual ethics behind being open to life in every marital act as speaking an honest language of the body in interpersonal communion, and how there can be an ethical regulation of fertility only inasmuch as this language of the body remains open and transparent. He ends with a brief section on conjugal spirituality, that would make excellent substance for a marital retreat, for here he talks about ascesis, prayer, frequent reception of the Sacraments as a means to keeping the language of the body and marital relations reflective of the trinitarian communion. THE SOUND OF MY FATHERS VOICE I remember as a child about the age of four years old waking up in the middle of the night with a terrible ear ache. It seemed also that my whole body was on fire, as if I was immersed in pain. Suddenly I heard the sound of my fathers voice. I think he might have heard me crying in my sleep and came over to see what was the matter. He picked me up and held me. He gave me some medicine for my ear ache and what probably was a bad cold, but the pain was so great that I couldnt find peace. So he put me on the couch and read me a picture book story. This was the first memory I had of the power of the voice of my father. I didnt really care what he said or what the story was about. I just liked listening to the sound of his voice. It was saying to a deeper part of me, that he loved me, that I was lovable, that I was good. Many times in my childhood his voice spoke to me this message. I remember driving to work with him. He was a carpenter and it was an hour drive to the construction site from our home. He used to sing to me, talk to me, and tell me stories. I dont remember a lot of what he said, but I always remember how I felt when I heard the sound of his voice. I guess the first time I realized the need I had to hear this voice was when I was in college. I was struggling with figuring out how to balance the difficult schedule of studying, my after school job, and trying to grow up. When I called him on the phone I distinctly remember the great confidence I felt just listening to my fathers voice. It always seemed to give me a deep peace, a kind of strength in my bones, in my heart of hearts I found that because my father gave me the gift of his time, his words, and above all, his love, that I am a lovable person and that I am capable of doing whatever this life demands, even if at times these are very difficult things. MY MOTHERS VOICE My fathers voice was not the only voice that spoke to my soul. The most constant contact I first had with anyone was my mother. She said I used to spend the whole day by her side as a toddler, and that I used to hide in her skirt when I felt danger was near, that she was my refuge and comfort. I remember her as my first best friend and playmate. When I heard the sound her voice it made me feel very calm and many times, because she would speak with all sorts of funny accents, I would laugh and giggle.

I first noticed the imprint of my mothers voice when I found myself in great danger. I was in a Philippine jungle where it was said that armed soldiers were hiding that wanted to overthrow the government. They had kidnapped many western missionaries and held them for ransom. When faced with the choice to go a short way across a mountain path that was supposedly covered with these armed forces, or to go the long way that was safer, I distinctly heard the voice of my mother, Be careful! Dont do anything foolish. What? How did my mothers protective voice find its way into my conscience? WE LONG TO HEAR THE VOICE OF OUR FATHER AND MOTHER Why is it that we are so deeply comforted to hear the voice of our father and mother, why does their voice become such a profound part of our hearts and consciences? Why do we long for their love? The truth about the human person is that each is created by and for a loving communion of persons. In the beginning we read: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27) This means that, as Blessed Pope John Paul II says in his theology of the Body, man became the image of God not only through his own humanity, but also through the communion of persons For just as the Eternal Father is one with the Eternal Son and from their intimate communion of persons is conceived and flows the Person of the Holy Spirit, so too, from the intimate communion of man and woman is conceived and flows a new human person. This new life happens in the conception of the womb but also it ought to happen every day in family life. The very same love of the Eternal Family of the Blessed Trinity is replicated and echoed in the love of man and woman who not only in the act of conception but by their communion and friendship daily give life to their children. It is amazing to see the connection between trinitarian theology and the differences between man and woman. God the Father is the origin (what the name actually means in Greek) of the Son and Holy Spirit. He is the principle or initiation of the other two persons. God the Son is eternally receptive to the Father and his love. From the love of both Father and Son comes the Holy Spirit. In this understanding of the Blessed Trinity, we can understand the pattern of masculine and feminine complementarity and fertility. Dr Philip Mango, a psychologist who teaches a kind of psychology of the body that accompanies the theology of the body says: The definition of masculinity is the male who takes initiative regularly. He initiates something that is good for others at a cost to himself, at a sacrifice to himself, and sustains what he has initiated with power and love, as a positive leader, as a protector, defender, lover, and a wise counselor. The definition of femininity is active receptivity.

Masculinity and femininity are from God, have their origin in his image and likeness and a person who has underdeveloped their manhood or womanhood is not living the fullness of their dignity as a son or daughter of God. We can see that masculinity and femininity have been lived out in different ways throughout the ages and in different cultures, but their origin is in God and is not simply sociological evolution or mere cultural conditioning. These are ultimately made for life. What does man initiate in the seed of his body and woman receive within her body? LIFE! It is written into our nature, which by scientific studies, can be observed and noted. According to the social sciences: There is no fact that has been established by social science literature more convincingly than the following: all variables considered, children are best served when reared in a home with a married mother and father. David Popenoe (1996) summarized the research nicely: "social science research is almost never conclusive, yet in three decades of work as a social scientist, I know of few other bodies of data in which the weight of evidence is so decisively on one side of the issue: on the whole, for children, two-parent families" (p. 176). (Gender Complementarity and Child Rearing by Dr A. Dean Beard PhD) THE EFFECT OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE VOICES There was a study done in a pediatric ward with small infants. They had a room full of babies whose neurological activity was being monitored. When a man walked into the room and started speaking to the babies, they started to kick and wiggle and move about. Their brain activity became very active, their eyes widened, and they looked around the room full of excitement. When a woman walked into the room and started talking to the babies, they lay still, their neurological activity became calmer, their eyes started to close, and some started to fall asleep. Another study shows that fathers around the world in different cultures and socio- economic backgrounds have a kind of universal tendency to hold their baby out from them, to look them in the eye, and yes, even to throw them up in the air and catch them. The study was not limited to cultural conditioning. Yes that is right, it is a universal tendency in fathers to actually throw their children up in the air. For women it is exactly the opposite. They desired to hold the child close to their hearts, pull them in, and give them nurturing and gentle caresses. If youd ask the woman they would tell the man to not throw the child so high and his reaction would be that it wouldnt quite be high enough. Different studies show the complementarity of masculine and feminine touch in rearing children: Male and female differences emerge in ways in which infants are held and the differential ways in which mothers and fathers use touch with their children. Mothers more frequently use touch to calm, soothe, or comfort infants. When a mother lifts her child, she brings the child toward her breasts providing warmth, comfort, security and protection. Fathers more often use touch to stimulate or to excite the child. Fathers tend to hold infants at arms length in

front of them, make eye contact, toss the infant in the air, or embrace the child in such a way that the child is looking over the father's shoulder. Shapiro notes that each of these "daddy holds" underscores a sense of freedom (1994). Clarke-Stewart (1980) reported differences in mothers' and fathers' play. Mothers tend to play more at the child's level. Mothers provide an opportunity to direct the play, to be in charge, to proceed at the child's pace. Fathers' play resembles a teacher-student relationship-- apprenticeship of sorts. Fathers' play is more rough-and-tumble. MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT COMPLEMENTARY The complementarity of man and woman serves the communion between them in sexual attraction and fertility in the procreation of children, but it also serves to develop different parts of the person. Lets look at the person from a Catholic anthropology, looking at man from the point of view of St Thomas Aquinas, who probably better than any has been able to discriminate within the human organism, the subtle differences between different faculties, i.e. the intellect and will, passions and powers, and how they relate to one another. Men have a very developed reason (ratio) for the use of a kind of hyper-focus, to get a difficult job done and persevere in doing it until the goal is accomplished. Reason is able to dissect a situation, compartmentalize it and analyze abstract principles, essences, and ideas. Women have a highly developed intuitive intellect (intellectus), which helps to look at the whole situation and see things in a holistic approach, helping them to embrace the emotional content of a situation and draw out from it an intimate meaning and purpose. Some have said that men are more right-brain and women are left-brain, however, if you actually look at the physical organ of the brain of an actual man it is in two compartments with a super conductor in the middle of two lobes. A womans brain is so interconnected by a spaghetti super network that it almost appears that it is one lobe. So actually, the whole rightbrain/ left-brain thing is only applicable to men. Each human person needs to develop both parts of the intellect the abstract ratio and the intuitive intellectus. It is clear from studies that the complementarity of both and man and woman raising a child that both parts of the mind are exercised, challenged, and matured. Also the will needs to be developed. Aquainas said that there are two basic sets of volition or willing within man, two types of appetites. One is for the enjoyment of the pleasurable good, the concupiscible appetite, and another is for desiring the good that is difficult to attain, the irascible appetite. Femininity seems to embody all of the qualities of the pleasurable good, a voice that is gentle, a eyes that are soft and welcoming, a nurturing and sensitive touch. While masculinity seems to embody everything about obtain the arduous or difficult good: decisive actions, courageous execution of plans, anger at the good that is threatened, a hatred for what is evil. One thing must be clarified here. While men and womens complementarity does embody or exhibit a particular trait of the human person, each human

person must develop all of these faculties. However, men tend to develop the feminine qualities albeit in a masculine way, and vice versa for women. In fact, St Edith Stein said that the a person has not fully developed into their masculine manhood or feminine womanhood unless they embody both the masculine and feminine qualities, yet possess them and express them in keeping with their sexual identity. Who shows more womanly assertiveness, decisiveness, and protectiveness than the Blessed Mother, whose womanhood had perfectly matured in its fullness? Who is more gentle, nurturing, and sensitive than Jesus, albeit in a masculine way? HOW FATHER & MOTHER EFFECT THE DEVELOPMENT OF A PERSON What is amazing is that studies show how essential it is for a person to experience the both masculine and feminine affirmation in order for all their faculties to develop properly. Perhaps this is seen most strikingly in those who are deprived of it. Children who grew up without a fatherly influence: -Exhibited a general lack of courage and confidence, especially in accomplishing difficult goals -"there may be something unique to fathers that provides children with different opportunities to regulate their emotions" (Broughton 2000) -Were statistically more promiscuous and found it difficult to live chaste relationships well, which is particularly difficult for women in later years who develop daddy issues -Showed high sense of aggression and could not express anger in a healthy way or found it highly uncomfortable when someone is angry with them Children who grew up without a motherly influence: -Found it difficult speak about their feelings, experience connectedness, and found intimacy awkward -showed high insecurity and need for attention, physical contact, emotional and affirmation -Had difficulty showing affection, warmth and developing depth in romantic relationships with their spouses. In todays world, the high percentage of broken families is giving rise to persons who would be described by many of the above traits. Dr Conrad Baars, PhD, an expert psychiatrist who was a consultant for Pope Paul VI on psychological matters, was famous for his intuition in understanding the affirmation of the person. Clearly, he said, that most people experience a kind of birthing of their person before the age of 5. In fact 80% of the person is already developed into who he or she will become for the rest of their life: including their capacity to love and be loved, their gender

identification, and their overall understanding of what it is to be a human person. Yet there is another kind of birthing that happens usually in a persons late teens and early twenties, a kind of psychological birthing of their personality. This too happens by way of affirmation, that the person begins to see themselves as an adult who is capable of loving and being loved. The problem is that so many people find themselves unlovable and unaffirmed either by father or mother or both. This can be true even of persons who grew up in homes with both parents physically present but emotionally absent. In fact, it can even be more painful when a parent is there but is incapable of loving and affirming the child. Blessed Pope John Paul II in his letter to Families, also spoke about the egocentric and hedonistic tendencies of parents that brings about the terrifying phenomenon of children being orphans of living parents, which is a wound of being rejected and unloved. In these cases a person is almost better off having lost a parent through death rather than having the parent reject the child and refuse to show love to him. I find, as a priest, the pews of the Churches full of such orphaned, unloved, unaffirmed persons. It wasnt that somebody did something to them that was terrible, but it what someone didnt do to them - love them. Dr Conrad Baars, together with Dr Anna Teruwe was responsible for the discovery of a very modern emotional disorder, Emotional Deprivational Disorder. Emotional Deprivation Disorder is a syndrome which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one's life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individuals stunted emotional growth. Unaffirmed persons are incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person. Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a persons body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will. REACTION TO LIFE Most of the time people dont like to think about the evil in their lives, who didnt love them, who abandoned them, who might have hurt them. So unless a person is able to look it in the eye and deal with it, it gets buried and people develop a whole intricate system of learning how to ignore it, cope with it, medicate it: drugs, alcoholism, being a workaholic, perfectionism, overachieving, over-eating, promiscuous sex, pornography, avoidance of any kind or responsibility or stresses that are part of a normal life, and so on. Yet these are perhaps the things that are the most harmful. The deepest wounds that people have are not what has been done to them but what they do in reaction to it. It is not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of him, not what happens to him, but what he makes happen (Matthew 15:1). It is particularly difficult when this reaction is not conscious, and therefore may appear to have a life of its own. Aquainas differentiated between two parts of the will, the active and the passive, similar to what modern psychology calls the conscious and subconscious part of a person. It is very

common for a person to be subconsciously needy of masculine or feminine affirmation or attention if they were deprived of it when they were younger. Because of the power of sin working in us this may at times be acted out in perverse ways.
NO ONE IS A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE OR DOOMED BY HISTORY

Because of the identification that we have with the way we grew up and because so much of who we are depends on the formation we receive as tiny children, it is easy for a person to feel condemned to simply be the outcome of their past, marked forever by a distant mother or absent father or whatever kind of childhood. You hear it all the time in popular culture, songs, and movies - almost like an excuse for self- pity or a definition of who a person is based solely on what has happened to them. Yet what is most wounding in our lives is not what has or hasnt happened to us, it is our own reaction to it. However, we know that God is a Good Father, and his plan is for freedom and healing. What is the healing of someone who has been wounded by their fundamental relationships in life: graced friendships. WHAT IS GRACED FRIENDSHIP? Graced friendship is a relationship given to us by God to bring us into communion. It is a friendship that reveals God as a communion. The first graced friendship that is essential for healing is our friendship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. ABBA FATHER In friendship with God the Father we see that no one on earth is our ultimate origin, which is why we call no man on earth father (Matthew 23:9). Even though we have an earthly father or father-figures there is only one REAL Father, the first and last father, the only one truly worthy of the name, before whom all others are merely icons of the real deal. God the Father is the principle, initiator, and beginning of our whole person. Blessed Pope John Paul speaks about Christs conversation with us in the theology of our bodies that brings us back to the beginning. The Father is our beginning. He is the source of your manhood & masculinity or womanhood & femininity. In friendship with the Father we come to discover ourselves as Created before the world began or existent within the mind of God the Father before he created us, before there was a chance for sin, and most importantly in a personal way, before there was sin in my own life. A tender, interior, real friendship with our heavenly Father has the power to bring real freedom and confidence. Men find that they can stand tall as a son of God, who shows them their glorious liberty of the sons of God (Romans 8:12-17). Women find the father-daughter fulfillment as being enthroned and enshrined in the Heart of the Father like a dove nestled in the cleft of the rock (Song of Songs 2:14). I dont know how many times I find the necessity of re-introducing the relationship with Abba Father in the lives of the faithful. It seems there are so many people whose primary hindrance to holiness and happiness is that they dont have a real friendship with God as Abba. How many people there are

who just cant find that extra confidence boost to go beyond themselves, stuck in a rut, spinning their wheels, just waiting for the moment when they will finally begin to live the Gospel the way their heart longs for. JESUS REDEEMER Jesus is our friend. Moving beyond the clich, we have to see that a friendship with Christ means redemption from sin. Depression, anxiety, fear, worry, hopelessness, and doubt often plague the emotional lives of many, but do they ever link these things to allowing sin to remain in their lives? A sin is a grave moral act that is against the ten commandments that a person consciously and willingly commits or some good that they ought not omit. A sin is bad, you know it, and you do it. Sin is not an attitude or feeling and can be something that a person really likes and is attached to, could even feel really good about it, even though they know deep down that it is evil. Their minds justify it, and growing accustomed to it being in their life or lacking the courage or desire to be free, they dont get rid of it. HOW USELESS it is to talk about healthy graced friendships if a person is still in mortal sin. They could have already gone to confession many times, but they never confessed a particular evil that they freely and knowingly did many years ago. That sin is still lodged in their heart and life, and, still like a foreign infectious object, is the actual reason for many sleepless nights or depressing days. HOW FUTILE would it be to talk about relationships if you didnt first get rid of sin. If a person commits one mortal sin they merit the eternal punishment of hell and separation from God (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1033-1036). This is the dogmatic teaching of the Council of Trent and therefore the authentic teaching of Jesus Christ. This is a teaching that he personally reveals to you in an intimate friendship with him. If the punishment after death is hell, you better believe that there is a very real separation from God in the soul that manifests itself in the emotions and thoughts of a person already in this life. St Teresa of Avila said about those in mortal sin, I cannot believe that He would grant them contemplation and in another place one of the biggest hindrances to holiness is unconfessed mortal sin. We must confess our sins, according to canon law, in kind and number all mortal sins committed after baptism to get rid of them like weeding a garden. If we to just confess the sins without doing this it would be like taking the tops of the weeds off, which would in fact merely prune them, allowing their roots to grow deeper in unseen soil of our souls. In confession, Jesus is our friend who frees us sin. Confession is the Sacrament given to us by God to be honest with ourselves and accepting of the evil that we have actually done. It is the way that we no longer feel victim of our childhood experience, when we take full responsibility for our lives and actions. I am convinced that it is the true way for God to totally free us of things which plague us, and that many kinds of emotional imbalances, depression, anxieties and fears, still are permitted to rule our souls because of unconfessed sin. The love of Jesus, who was crucified for us and knows us even in our sins, loves us exactly where we are at right now, and it is this love, perhaps only this

love, that gives us the courage to be brutally honest with him in the Sacrament of Mercy. Also we must know that a real friendship with Jesus Christ is SACRAMENTAL. This means it is incarnated into a specific ritual that he himself instituted and in which he himself wills for me to participate. I need to be able to hear his words spoken to me in a sacramental-personal way, Baptism- unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God (John 3:5) Reconciliation- My child, your sins are forgiven (Mark 2:5) Eucharist- This is my body, which will be given up for you (Luke 22:19) It is important for me to understand that is through sacramental friendship that it is incarnate, made real and intimate in a way that will potently change my life and bring me deeper into Christ. Christ also makes this friendship deeply ecclesial, a relationship in and of the Church. In this way I can truly hear the voice speaking in to me as the living Word of God, that is only transmitted in its fullness in the tripod of Sacred Scripture, Sacred Tradition, and the Magisterium of the Church. The chief place where this Word is spoken to me and I receive it is the Liturgy, especially when it is celebrated well, with dignity and solemnity. THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE SOUL OF OUR SOULS The Holy Spirit is the Love of the Father and the Son. He is the soul of our soul, he is the gentle and powerful lover of our inmost hearts. To know him in personal friendship is first to realize that he is not just a symbol like a dove, a fire, a drop of oil, but a real PERSON, a friend. This friend is PURE LOVE. This is his divine personality. To know him is to know you are loved from the inside-out. This love takes the form of an interior power, a fullness, the joy of eternal love, the happiness of blessedness, the power of God alive in us. The Holy Spirit reveals his friendship with us as the one who dwells and fills our bodies as a holy temple, our hearts as a sacred altar, our minds as a sealed tabernacle. He is particularly important in the work of the redemption of our bodies. In our baptism the Holy Spirit, and therefore the entire Blessed Trinity dwells in our inmost heart. Although our faculties are immediately purified of original sin, the effects still remain, and the Spirit works mightily in our interior to bring this about. From the inside and working outward the Holy Spirit slowly transforms our beings through grace, through prompting us to desire redemption more, through our response to suffering, ultimately through an ever more pure and full gift of our inmost self to God and to his friends. It is very much like a microwave oven, which heats up the core and then slowly moves outward. Deep calls to deep in roar of mighty waters (Psalm 42:17), that is God the Holy Spirit searches the depths of man and searches the depths of God (1 Corinthians 2:10) and joins the misery of man to the mercy of God in Christ. You could say that the Holy Spirit finds the riches of the depths of Redemption, of the merits of Christ crucified, of his sacred wounds and sews them into the very wounds of man. For it was mans wounds that wounded the redeemer and his willingness to be wounded by love

for our sake that releases the mighty waters of the Holy Spirit, so that the inmost depths of man are eternally transformed into the depths of God. The greatest thing therefore that unites us to God are our wounds, not our gifts or virtues. They good that is in us is not the cause of our union with God but the fruit of it. The good that is in God cannot resist the parts of us that need him the most like water falls to the lowest point. This happens because of Gods mercy, not because of us, however our desire, our groaning, our inmost yearning for God is our cooperation in redemption. This is a work of the Holy Spirit and often happens very deeply within us without even our knowledge that it is happening, like heart transplant surgery or a bone marrow transplant. As Blessed Pope John Paul II said in his encyclical Dominum et Vivificantem (On the Holy Spirit in the Life of the Church) "For we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words."282 Therefore, the Holy Spirit not only enables us to pray, but guides us "from within" in prayer: he is present in our prayer and gives it a divine dimension.283 Thus "he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." The Holy Spirit himself is the relationship of the Father and the Son. He therefore is the one who is our relationship with each person in communion with them. He is the Spirit of friendship, of communion, of belonging, of family love. We ought to desire that the spirit of our relationships, which may often even in good and holy friendships still have elements of need, gratification, egoism, greed, vanity, impurity, and pride, be replaced with the Holy Spirit who is the relationship Spirit. What moves and motivates your friendships with others? What is the reason and purpose? The Holy Spirit purifies our relationships. It is truly only in Him that we have graced friendships with others. GRACED FRIENDSHIPS WITH ALL Once we reorient our graced friendships with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we begin to have holy friendships with those around us. The amazing thing about Gods plan is that whatever we missed in our childhood he brings to us in his providence to restoration and healing. I find this happens so frequently that it seems it almost a spiritual maxim of Gods providence: Gods goodness will not permit us to remain in isolation as emotional orphans but bring different people into our lives to reveal the mystery of his gratuitous love. A graced friendship is a relationship that is based on grace, upon living a relationship in the way that is pleasing to God. It is truly amazing the power that graced friendship has in healing us. Again, let us be clear that it is firstly a relationship with God in frequent reception of the Sacraments and prayer, and then relating with all his friends. ALMSGIVING Almsgiving is a sincere and free gift of self to ones neighbor. This is the heart of graced friendship. It is loving and being loved. Giving the gift of ones

self to the other and receiving the gift of the other person. This also describes the inmost life of the Trinity. It is what our deepest heart longs for, to love and be loved. Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, poverty is loneliness and feeling unloved. Give alms of love, and St Peter tells us in his first letter, By obedience to the truth you have purified yourselves for a genuine love of your brothers; therefore, love one another constantly from the heart (1 Peter 1:22). This is the true medicine that heals the heart. Blessed Pope John Paul II said, Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. (Redemptor Hominis, 10) CHASTITY Graced friendship is also essential if one is going to live a chaste life. In fact the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about it, The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality. Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one's neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion. (CCC 2347) You could say another word for chastity is friendship. Friendship with God in your body and the ordered friendship with all the friends God gives you. There is a need that our friendships remain chaste. All too often, even in Catholic circles, friendships go south, go sour, when a persons woundedness or neediness propels them to relate inordinately in friendships, causing unhealthy attachments or exclusivity, and may lead them to sin, shipwrecking the very reason God brought that person into their life to begin with. If a person is aware of their wounds leading them toward a sinful or inordinate tendency with a friend, especially when they notice the origin of their need or wound is a lack of masculine or feminine affirmation, they need to learn how to discipline themselves. Aquainas pointed out that passions blind the intellect and weaken the will. As soon as we notice that a particular friendship manifests an disordered attraction or repulsion, we should be careful to mortify that passion and be weary of our own judgment about that relationship. That is, we choose not to listen to ourselves. We lead our heart in this case instead of following it. We ignore our judgment and make the safe assumption that we are not trustworthy with regard to a particular friendship, humble ourselves so that God may grant us light and his grace may bring us back into equilibrium. On the other hand, we ought to be careful to not react too rashly to our own sinfulness lest our disciplined passions react like a child that has been harshly treated, complaining and whining until we give in.

OUR LADY The Virgin Mother of God is a great helper in relationships. She helps us in a real friendship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. She is Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity, a woman of communion and friendship first with God and then with all his friends. She teaches us the spirit of communion, of solidarity, of service and of humility. The principle lesson Our Mother teaches us in relating with others is humility. She humbled herself all day before every creature, not trusting her own estimation, but always seeking Gods light and his Holy Spirit to be the very spirit by which she relates with others. May Our Lady help us to heal from our relationships by graced friendship.

CLOSING PRAYER - Magnificat My soul glorifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour. He looks on his servant in her lowliness; henceforth all ages will call me blessed. The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy his name! His mercy is from age to age, on those who fear him. He puts forth his arm in strength and scatters the proudhearted. He casts the mighty from their thrones and raises the lowly. He fills the starving with good things, sends the rich away empty. He protects Israel, his servant, remembering his mercy, the mercy promised to our fathers, to Abraham and his sons for ever. Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.