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A collection of prose, short stories, poetry, and Journal entries.
By Dalton Gunderson
It was the first snowfall of the year. I saw it through the window while making my coffee. A plush layer of white wrapped up the trees and the hills. I walked outside in my slippers, cold nipping at my ankles, and admired you twirling round and round in circles. A swath surrounding you had been trampled in your enjoyment. Through the steam of the coffee I held, I saw in you a vision of beauty. Flakes lighted on your eyelashes, in your hair, strewn over your shoulders. You stopped your spinning and looked at me with a soft smile. Playfully laughing into the still morning air, you wrapped your arms around yourself against the chill. You walked over to me and laid your head against my shoulder. I took you into my arms, melting the remaining flakes between us. “My love.” You said without moving your head from it’s resting place. I settled my hand comfortably within the crook of your neck. We stood there quietly for a while, warm despite the surrounding cold. Eventually you turned your head so you could look up to me; I met your eyes with mine. “I have to go now.” You said. I kissed you. “I know.” Sometimes dreams can be like snowflakes falling through rarefied air. Elegant and bewitching in their spectacle, but when you extend a hand to hold one they melt, leaving behind a memory in place of something once so lovely.
Dumpster diving on a Saturday
At the end of the month all the college kids throw out all of their unwanted shit, usually because their changing leases, or something like that. Usually around that time Nico and I would go dumpster diving, looking for anything that had novelty, or was weird or useful. So one particular year we decided to do this and we ended up getting a good haul out of it. It had been a fruitful day of dumpstering; we had both filled our bags to the brim with all sorts of knick knacks from alleys, the side of the road, and garbage cans. I had been living with Nico at the time and we lived in the center of uptown Minneapolis. What we usually did was walk in one direction and see what there was and then we’d double back and check out the other side of the neighborhood. So after scouring the eastern end we decided to do the other side of the college area. We walked down the sloping hill towards the intersection of 24th and Lyndale. There was a coffee shop on one corner and a pizza place diagonal to it on the other corner. It was a good place to get food late at night after everything had closed and thrown out all the extra pizza and sandwiches and whatnot. We continued on going up the big hill past the pizza place. Coming to the next corner we looked down the street in either direction where there was a couch sitting in front of a house just a little north from us. It looked to be in pretty good condition so we went to go check it out. We had just moved in to the basement of our friend’s mom’s house, so we were on the look out for furniture. Getting closer we could start to make out the features of the couch, it was actually really nice from where we were. It was made of some sort of plush material like velvet but not quite, maybe velour. It was white and had those little buttons that are usually
lets do this shit. Usually when you find a couch on the side of the road or in front of someone’s house it’s one of those kitschy floral ones you might expect to see in a trailer home.” “Hell yeah.” I said. Being undernourished and out of shape probably didn’t help the exponentially increasing difficulty level. It was easy enough getting it the hundred feet or so to the light at the corner. but this one had none that I could see. quickly picking the couch up so we could cross before the light changed. “You wanna try and do it in one shot?” I asked him. pulling the fabric into diamond patterns separated by each button. Shuffling up the hill backwards my hand suddenly cramped up and I lost my grip dropping the couch directly on my foot. After steadying our bags on the cushions we bent low to the ground and grabbed the couch from underneath. “But it will be worth it.” he said through his lips.” I said getting up.” I threw my trinket filled bag onto it to and took a seat. “Annnnnd go. we were probably so different looking from anything they’d ever seen. it’s super light. He threw his bag onto it as if to claim it and make it official. “Oh shit!” I yelled as our bags fell and hit the ground. and stretched a little bit. A couple people avoided us as we were coming down the hill. It was nice to sit and watch the public world flood past us.” We carried it around the corner and back down the hill towards Lyndale. we were both very tired. which had burned down to the butt while we had walked down the hill. at least for a white couch. before sitting down on our new piece of furniture to wait for the light to change. I was very comfortable. “Holy shit. Already having walked three blocks at this point. With fast shuffling steps we made it through the intersection and set the couch down. “Hell yeah it is. We set the couch down at the corner. Can’t blame them I suppose. Nico practically squealed when he got within ten feet of it. “Yeah let’s just get it over with. “Wow. The light turned back to green and we hurried to our positions. “This has to go downstairs.” We heaved it up once again and waddled away as fast as we could. spilling all of our dumpstered goods . “I’ll finally be able to sleep somewhere other than in your bed with you. and then we can ask Michael to help us get it down the stairs. I looked over at him bent over with his hand on the back of the couch. They were evenly spaced and symmetrical. which was sort of unheard of. “This is going to be super easy man.” I said lifting up my end in unison with Nico. adoringly stroking it as if it was a puppy he was going to ask to keep. Huffing and puffing we made it to the corner of our block and turned to head up the hill to the house. which were tightened around a cigarette hanging from his mouth.” he cackled at me. Being a punk rocker didn’t really promote much healthy activity. my house is only like four blocks away. I flicked my cigarette. this is really fucking comfortable. We only had to go up three more houses and then around to the side to the basement door which lead to Nico’s room. it’s fucking sweet. It was clean too. “No fucking way!” He ran the remaining distance to it and laid his head on the arm.on older pieces of furniture.” he said.” “Hahahaha. trying to distance themselves from the two teenage punk rockers in tattered clothes sporting eccentric hairstyles and a velour couch. We lit some cigarettes for ourselves and prepared for the arduous journey ahead.” He replied throwing his boot over the couch’s arm.” He shouted excitedly with an ear-to-ear grin on his face. It had suddenly started to get heavier and heavier. it was surprisingly hard. “We’ll have to carry it. leaning into it. We both sat for a while lounging on the corner waiting for the light to change. There are almost always stains on a free couch. “Yesss.
It was his mom’s house we were moving the couch into. Nico followed suit grabbing all his goodies and stuffing them haphazardly back into his bag. We set it down in the obvious place against the wall behind the coffee table. He did the same and handed it back. it’s pretty light. For the last time I carried the magnificent. and he went and flipped through a collection of records he had in a cardboard box. I hunched over myself in my seated position and reached out grasping clumsily for a bottle of vodka that had been liberated from my bag. “Let’s have a smoke and then we’ll carry it the rest of the way. I managed to get a hold of the neck and bring it up onto the couch with me. Picking up a picture frame he looked at us both.” Nico scratched his greasy black Mohawk. and approximately the same age. I dropped it actually. I got some blow today.” “Cool.” “Shit man did you carry it all the way over here? You should have called me I would have come to help you.” Nico went inside. well lets get this thing inside then. free white couch. Nico held the door open for us as Michael attempted to maneuver it through the doorway. “Dude. We went straight down the steps and into Nico’s room through the door at the bottom of the steps. and Dalton and I have some booze so maybe we should call up some peoples to hang out. I put it behind my belt buckle and kicked my legs over the back of the couch laying my head on the arm. I uncapped it and took a sip. I gathered my things from the sidewalk. And up the piece of furniture went with us hauling it the remaining distance to the house. I got up from the couch after accepting the bottle back and flicked my cigarette butt. We sat there quietly.” And Michael got on the opposite end from me.” Nico answered. YES!” Nico screeched shaking a claw shaped hand around in the air. “Isn’t it fucking awesome? It’s basically brand new. “Sweet. “Reward time!” and he pulled the necklace from around his neck. So I took another sip and handed it over to Nico. He came back out a few seconds later with Michael who was short and thick. your rooms coming together dude. a welcome respite from the heat. put it on and came and joined us on the couch. fucking sweet.everywhere. as was the custom. but to no avail. We both straightened out and took a deep breath in preparation and threw our bags back on. I could taste the vodka in my mouth. He found one.” He dropped the bags by the door and shut it behind him. leaving his cigarette with me. He pulled out a bag of coke and threw it over to me as he pulled a card out of his wallet.” Nico said as he plopped back down onto the couch again and lit a cigarette. We got there and went up the grassy hill. “Actually yeah. “I’ll go get Michael real quick. “It did get a little heavy though when we got here. It was nice. We wouldn’t have to sit on the floor to use the table any more. having a moment of pure nothingness. enjoying the shade of the big oak trees on the boulevard.” said Michael.” I said handing Nico back his cigarette. We set the couch down and leaned our bags against the side of the house. were going to finally have somewhere for everyone to sit down there. our bags clutched in his other hand.” “Well shit man. where’d you get this?” “We found it right off of Lyndale. so I tried to chase it away with another drag of cigarette. “Damn. I dumped out a little of the white powder onto the glass and took the card from . it wasn’t so bad actually.” Michael said “Nah man.” I sat down and lit my own. and over to the side door to the basement. “Well were gunna need some appropriate music then if were doing this. then offered it over to Nico. unscrewing the top of what happened to be a pill bottle sort of pendant.
“You know what?” he said taking his I. snorting the line in one pass. It loosed atoms that would travel through time and space changing and evolving. “Lets get some blankets then. “So who do we want to have over tonight?” Nico said rolling a twenty-dollar bill into a cylinder.” He said. . It spent an eon transforming into you. “Shit man. as well as a bottle of Jameson. It was enigma that drove you to the ends of the earth and back again. “Cool. after a long time. Wherever our opened veins empty themselves upon the world. it’s not a simple metaphor referring to your radiance. Eventually. we should probably give my mom a break from all the craziness that happens down here. and then sit around and watch cartoons. time after time. passing it to my right where Michael grabbed it from me. I can see your bright beginnings in the heart of a collapsing sun. adversely Beautiful and cruel. and you are loved fiercely. If you were here I’d tell you that I think even the cruelty of life is beautiful in it’s own right. and in fact you embodied it. but you’d probably agree with me in your own way.” Nico said getting up from the couch. We could see if any of the other kids are busy. perhaps in an effort to understand it. I’ll miss you friend. they formed back into a celestial body.” I pulled the vodka from my bag. The charades and curiosities of the world pulled at your heart like an invisible tether adrift in a sea of questions.” Nico put the end of the bill into his nose and leaned over the glass. “Fuck it lets just have it be us. You’d probably laugh at me. You could see the world as it really is. You couldn’t deny that truth. but always there. but a literal statement.Nico’s hand. We can get really fucked up. So you truly are a star shining ever on the horizon.” I started chopping up the small rocks in the powder. “What do you think?” “Sounds good. when was the last time it was just us that hung out together? We never do that. You are truly one of the most puzzling and interesting people I’ve ever met. Sometimes obscured to me. that’s probably for the best anyways. and bittersweet smile. I don’t care. “Yeah. up out of its nourishment rises our own Arcadia. I’d tell you that the hands that spread our blood over life’s treacherous landscape belong to a melancholic. I think that’s why we got along so well. loving.” What was your Animus Nico? So hard to say.” I leaned over and snorted the second line. I know Claire and Steve are doin’ stuff.D from me after I cut out some big lines. A thought of you When I compare you to a star. “I think staying in tonight could be fun anyways. He handed it over to me. but I think I know. I took a big drink and passed it around. build a fort with our new couch. we only have to look past the discomfort to see it. which contained all the brilliance the sun formerly held.
its own glimmering and enchanted beauty is illuminated in the dark. My eyes look like they belong to someone else. coffee set down on the retaining wall. “We are a way for the universe to know it’s self. and down the three flights of stairs.As Carl Sagan once said. set down my coffee and grab my boots. my lighter comes out of my pocket and into my hand. moving from his mouth and out towards me. and have to brush my teeth. I take off my hood to listen. and in doing so. I put on my coat. squeeze the tube. I swing my leg over and sit across from Lane. In fact if I didn’t know better I’d say the person they belong to is a psychopath or manic personality. blowing into it for no apparent reason. I start to walk out the door and Lane follows behind me with the key. it should be a normal temperature inside not an arctic tundra. At least you'll get to rest for the day before you drag yourself back to whisper in my ear as the moon rises in the night sky. The universe has found me to understand you. accentuating the current gauntness of my cheeks. I pour a cup and put some stolen creamer in it. I’m still cold though. crying. Out the door. Why the fuck is it so damn cold here? It’s the south after all. Whatever.” and then the morning really starts. I look… well I don’t look very good. Cap open. He wasn’t sobbing or anything. The sun hangs in the sky as lazily as I hang my head over my warm drink. at least the universe has found one small way in which to understand part of it’s self. Lane turns towards me from his desk and makes a hand signal at me. and have to do everything else that is expected of a normal person. Good Morning I wake up. but you’ll come back to occupy my dreams. the coffee is warm. Out with the cigarettes.” I say in monotone. turning it from a deep black to an artificial manila. and immediately want to die. When will you just go away and leave me some semblance of stability. lock the bolt.” If confused in some aspects. I light it and Lane says “So I had this ridiculous dream. Coffee and a sweater and things improve slightly. I look up and see myself in the mirror. pull my hood over my eyes. The expectancy and rose of the fair state Ophelia I saw him once standing at the top of his stairs. And they were all about you. I’ve forgotten you for the rest of the day. I brush my teeth. “Yeah. I realize that I might want shoes so I stoop over. All night I had the strange half sleeping dreams that are all too real that you know are not. Awesome. I fucking hate you in the mornings. It’s so hard to get up and accept the fact that I have to get out of bed. he . We walk out through the lobby doors and I’m immediately hit by the warmth that contrasts with the polar icecap that is the indoors. They slip on easily enough and I stand back up an inch or so taller. I look crazy even to myself. and head back down the hall. The coffee is cool enough to drink so I take a small sip and feel better by an increment. There’s a hood on my head casting shadows over my face. but only because I love you more than I should. I try to take a sip but it’s far to hot so I grab a toothbrush and head down the hall to brush my teeth. A peace sign with the index and middle finger pushed together. wet the tooth brush. and grab my coffee.
they actually think enough to have as complicated an emotion as hope. He lives right across the alley from me. you know. that’s what I remember. All of his friends that I’ve seen seem that way. And I couldn’t stop looking. Drinking. Leaning against the balcony railing with his head in his hand smoking. Jonathan I woke up early in the morning and went to paint in the cold at work. and hold him like I used to with you. most of them turning out to be an escape from the everyday. loving every minute of life. I always felt so lost and purposeless. She lives right down the street at the university dorms. He’s in that little apartment on the second floor of the tiny green house. She’s every bit as beautiful as him. eye. Most of the time though. staring off into the distance at something that wasn’t there for anyone except himself. soldiers. He seemed to be a thousand miles away. It nagged at me from the back of my mind. Before I go out tonight though. I was unkindly reminded of you. kiss his forehead. I’m going out tonight. Did other people feel this way? What did they do? I tried all sorts of things. Its been so hard without you. The sad in your eyes were replaced with quietness. It’s been so hard my love. tongue. I’ll wear the earrings you gave me for my birthday. Eventually I forgave you. really seeing and listening. It was so cold everywhere. Their different from the other students in that way. looking for whatever would make it all better. and then returned to my cold house in the afternoon. all crooked smiles. But finally. You always said I looked so good in it. strong looking. Wiry hair. I made it through high school with my health and sanity. I did have it pretty good. scholar’s. it seemed like such an empty effort. sex. Watching him smoking. causing trouble. Staring out onto the street with tears streaming his face. he was just staring. almost innocent in a way. It’s easy to see you when I look at him. Drinking. Drowning in the excitement of the physical world. I had a girlfriend I was madly in love with. I say hello to him and his girlfriend when I see them. you didn’t know.wasn’t hanging his head. good friends who didn’t mind being genuine. touching and being touched. your gentle hand on the back of my neck entangled in my hair. in my own way. it numbed the collapsing sensation in my chest. He looks like you. I understand. hopeful about the good in life. It was becoming monotonous returning to my cold house after the same routine everyday. I’ll have these moments where I think I’m doing great . Like my own Hamlet. the particles floating through the rays of sunlight cast between the curtains. but only a little. I want to kiss you one last time. I remember the quietness in the air. in a completely different world all his own. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I was so mad for such a long time at how selfish you were. Don’t get me wrong though. So hard to let you go. I wanted so badly to take his head in my hands. and the heels you hated because they made me taller than you. you couldn’t think straight. She seems open. the most peaceful I had seen you. Every time I see him. I miss that so much. The courtier’s. I was thinking of wearing the little black dress I got in Portland. sword. Every time I see him its like it’s all happening again. Your cold fingers in my hand as I stroked your hair. I miss your touch. Your sweet kisses that never failed to make the rest of the world disappear. What I would give to be where they are once again. In case you’re not there waiting. The one with the silver flowers along the neckline. but she doesn’t have the same sad eyes you share with him. partying. Every time I see him is a bittersweet reminder of you. he’s even got the same sadness in his eyes that you had.
I say hi when I see you around. There were a couple beers so I opened one and grabbed a book from a pile on the kitchen counter.and then I’ll realize that I feel so empty and I have no clue what to fill myself with. grabbed a scarf from my closet and put it on. like Hamlet. “Hi.” “So were you just going to stand in front of my door and wait for me to come out.” She reached out her hand. that sounded like fun. I had gotten tons of books from thrift stores that I would probably never read. “Oh no. so I’m kind of dressy. She must not have noticed it there for her. She smiled. I sat down in the middle of my floor to read it. And like that I thought “cigarette.” she looked down at her dress. yanking my head back. I shook it. and looked in the fridge.” She said. So here I am. but I’ve never really introduced myself. Who was this girl? What was she doing outside my door? “What do you want?” I asked “I mean…what are you doing up here. just so quiet. leaning against the railing of the balcony was a girl smoking a cigarette. So it went. “Not really. I don’t know you do I?” She smiled again. I threw it onto the coffee table.” I smiled at her. This is where my mind would go after work most of the time. but I’m just keeping it low key tonight. dressed up in a fancy black dress with silver flowers around the neck. And there. still wet from the snow. She was gorgeous.” and it was gone.” she said. “Yeah. “My names Ophelia.” I said. And so there I lay silently unmoving for the next ten minutes. Finally. So on this particular day I did what I normally would. I unhooked it and went to go back through the door. I have a nasty habit of making people feel . she looked as if she was on her way somewhere. Or even what’s missing that needs to be filled. “I live across the alley from you. she was striking. “Nice to meet you Ophelia. I’m Jonathan. (There were no chairs).” “You’re not going to the pub crawl down town are you?” I asked. As I went to open my door to go outside. A moment of silence was the only escape I could manage on a regular basis. I pulled my boots back on. Empty. I recognize you now that I’m not so surprised.” Her features started to become more recognizable. “I’m on my way to meet a friend. It was small and surprisingly warm. nothing on my mind. turned the space heater on in my apartment. No thoughts. in the open doorway. “Sometimes low key can be better. I stared at the ceiling with my arms and legs sprawled. “Dressed up to go somewhere?” “Oh this. and grabbed a cigarette I had left on the counter for my girlfriend. It was a copy of Hamlet that I had gotten from a thrift store for a buck. or were you actually going to knock/” I realized this was a weird question. I sipped the beer I had opened and laid down on my carpeted floor.” I realized I was staring at her. I got up and set my beer down. She had to be cold without a coat. my scarf got snagged on a nail in the wall. I went inside. Everything was quiet. Coming home to stare at the ceiling and listen to the swish of cars in the snow had been the best part of my day for the past few weeks. Then I realized that I was really confused. and realized that I didn’t even look to see what I picked up. She nodded in agreement.
I had a bandana next to the sink that I put over a cup and rubber banded in place. I had forgotten to turn the space heater up for the night. but I did. and she pulled me in toward her. sort of melancholic. I could feel her longing.” “Yeah. and I couldn’t help but kiss her back. put on a sweater. “I swear I’m not stalking you. our breath trailing away and dispersing. and headed out for a smoke.” she added. it is. She looked over at me. usually when strangers wait for me at my door step it’s not nearly as pleasant as this. but then I thought it would be better to wait so I could creep you out. “I don’t know. I was alone with the warmth of her lips still on mine. This worked out pretty well don’t you think?” “I guess it has. I knew what was coming but I didn’t stop her. “About six months or so. She had this sad look on her face. I was going to knock. I undid the rubber band and washed the murky brown water from the bandana and set it back where it was.uncomfortable.” I smiled back. I had a girlfriend I was madly in love with. Waiting for the water to boil I noticed the red and blue lights of an ambulance or cop coming through the window. Her other hand followed.” The smile again. her tenderness.” It grew quiet as we both smoked our cigarettes in the cold. I turned the heat off on the stove and patiently pored the water through the grounds and the cloth of the bandana. She reached out towards me locking my gaze with her own. I wondered to myself why I was flirting with this girl. “Oh.” She lit her cigarette. It’s nice to be right next to the mountains. “got a light?” She asked. “thank you. After a minute she gently took her lips from mine and held my head in her hands. I got out of bed.” And then she was gone. I could smell the smoke on her. to be used again later. “Wouldn’t be the first time. It’s as good as any place I suppose. She grabbed another smoke out and put it between her lips. as if I had told her all my secrets. it felt wrong to stop her. Everything told me there was no reason to let this happen. put it on. She leaned forward and whispered softly into my ear. “What do you think?” I scratched the back of my neck. letting in the daylight. “So how long have you lived here?” she asked me. She didn’t miss a beat. I handed her mine off of the railing. I filled a pot with water and put it on the stove to boil. I woke up the next day freezing. Feel the heat of her breath. her thumb gently resting on my temple. “But I think I might make a thing of it. and I saw an ambulance parked across the alley. I set my coffee down on the .” she said flicking her cigarette butt.” She indulged me with a small laugh. and some slippers and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. but she also looked relieved. clutching my single fleece blanket to me. “So do you greet all your neighbors this way or just me?” “Just you so far. and it’s not like this girl was anymore beautiful than her. Her hand found my cheek and around to the back of my neck. I opened the shades. She kissed me as if she knew who I was. Her lips met mine and she kissed me. I spooned Two and a half scoops of coffee into it. Ophelia pulled a pack of cigarettes out of the purse she had. I grabbed my coat off the floor where I had left it. and said through an exhalation of smoke.
and looked over across the alley. but I did recognize what it was. The paramedics didn’t seem to be in a hurry. But it was different. Her eyes were glassed over. It was like my senses really came alive and listened to the world around it. He closed his car door and walked over to me.” she had whispered to me. The paramedics moved her over to the gurney next to her.” And with those words I realized that this was something I had felt a few times before. they were a little obscured by the curtains. All the pain and loneliness I had ever felt just left me and I stood there. “I’m sorry sir I’m going to have to ask you to step back. I felt happiness. “Yeah. And I felt such a sense of relief. but as I got closer I could see the foot and bare leg of someone they were bent over. It was obvious that she was dead. Thank you for what? I felt out of breath. “Thank you. but for some reason it felt so personal. It was different. like someone had turned the volume down on the world. It reminded me of her small warm hand when she had shaken mine. between my fingers. “Goodbye. Her arms were limp at her sides. I had only just met this girl. And eventually I whispered back. And in that gentle silence I could swear I heard someone whisper the words. It wasn’t like the quiet I sat in on the floor of my cold apartment with a beer. I got a little closer and moved over to the side so I could see the owner of the foot. Everything became so…quiet. What happened? Was she alive? They stood the stretcher up and started to wheel her out the door towards me. out the alley and onto the street. “What happened?” I asked with a hoarse voice. nothing was out of place. I walked down to get a closer look. “All I know to tell you is that she died. it was definitely a terrible thing to happen. . my heart beating in my chest. I’m sorry sir. It was a little black dress with silver flowers along the neckline. I was so confused. They were wearing high heels. Not as clearly. nothing was wrong. I was at home in the world.” He said. Her head shifted over towards me. “Did you know her?” He asked me. like finally I had made it. The cop was still there.” I couldn’t tell you why but I started to cry. her breath against my neck. It seemed at the time that everything was ok. It was Ophelia on the stretcher. “thank you. her expression blank.” And. he had gone into her house through the sliding glass door. still striking in her outfit from yesterday.” I stood there and watched them until they drove away. the feeling was gone. From the top of my stairs I could see an open sliding glass door and a paramedic behind the fluttering curtains. her hair strewn over her shoulders. Everything started to lose its vividness. I thought of her tender sad kiss. Listened to what it was really saying. I could see her better now. Their face was turned away from me but I recognized the dress she was wearing.” I said with my hand over my mouth. towards the ambulance. makeup still done.” And like her lips from mine. I just stood there holding my cigarette and warm coffee cup. “Can you tell me what happened?” I asked rubbing the tears from my eyes with my knuckle. I felt the sensations of my body. in the snow. I didn’t feel empty like I normally did. her name was Ophelia. it was real.railing. “Thank you. I could feel the wind run over my hands. Like for the first time I truly felt happy. I wasn’t sure why I was so impacted. I felt… peaceful. empty and full all at the same time. lit my cigarette. The paramedics lifted her body up into the ambulance. “There will be more news in the papers obituaries. “I just met her yesterday. I felt ridiculous. It felt a little disrespectful but I was curious. It was all fine.” they closed the doors to the back of the van. A cop pulled into the entrance of the alley and stepped out.
despite the t-shirt I am wearing. it contrasts against the blue of the sky. I am running. my hands are shooting towards the ground. when I stand up and shout. the first of a line. and I will snatch it up and he will still be running bases before he knows he's out.” Goodbye my love. I will relinquish all that I own.Waiting to be gathered When the trees are green and the grasses are grown. Across the starry sky like twinkles in my eye. Touch It's hot. He rolls the ball at the kicker. He winds up. goodbye. The glint of the sun is like icing on a cake. It’s just a fuss There are times when you look up and you can feel the blue of the sky. . The breeze and warmth are enough for you. By the catcher. It is coming for me. tenses and kicks. My knuckles scrape the ground and my fingertips grasp at a red ball. I hope one day we are finally gathered. just the enjoyment of the animation of your limbs and the world is enough to make you smile from the inside out. A person stands ten yards from the kicker with a ball. Hoping one day that I will be home. Like grease on fingertips. you're just going to do what you do and that's fine. It is four feet away.” “And it deepens my hurt that I am without. It feels thin. You don't really care about much. on black top. Words whisper goodbye. “Love knows not doubt. I will barley catch this. In the rye. You’ll know what I mean. I can feel the heat of the sun on my skin. I am far right field. but I can feel no wind. Goodbye. Hoping to be gathered by the catcher in the rye. The kicker is out. It is a good kick it will go far.
my wife. It seems as humans. Back from the dead. of earth and bare hips. so as i was saying. but apart of everything I can perceive. I will miss you. to the world. Deeply and truly said you. As if it was your picture. that’s just a fuss too. where will I see you next? My lover. my wife. Do you? I am born of voices and lips. Until I take my last breath. I see your beauty in the moon. My lover. nor my memory thinned. but the people who often forget what its all about. who cares? Certainly not me. having fled. I’ve found you in stream and stone. Because of your heartfelt and unending goodbyes. my purpose. The soft touch of the wind. we're pretty forgetful. and my little bird gone. until my heart stops beating in my chest.” . we were meant to commune. of earth and bare hips. my life When and where will I see you next? In the salt of the sea. It's stupid really. You are not a person as many believe. And again. When I see you in each grain of sand. made brighter and then darker still by your brief cameos. Ill simply whisper Fiercely and forever I said. And though our ties are hewn. But when it’s over. I am constantly waking to the world with fresh eyes. Relief found only in loves sickly sweet throes. I come back to life. my purpose. the story over and read. But. my life.But who care about these words? Certainly not the people who feel the way described. Will remind me of your hand. “I love you. At night ill simply whisper. Our time could never be rescind. We can't seem to remember anytime we were happy where we can't find something to fuss about. I am born of voices and lips. or the embrace of the next appointed ‘she’ Will I be found in touch or only lost as if hexed? This road has been so long and hard. my bittersweet reminder of home.
We were the best. that never found an outlet. empathic. the beauty we were always looking for revealed its self to us. I hope that.The silence of the world The night is thicker than i have ever seen. It is exciting. But. and into the silence of the world. And you could truly have mine for a period of time. I could grab you and hear love’s somber sigh. I open the window and a creamy crispness slips between my lips. And in those solitary moments. What I recognized you for. And the road i am on stretches on forever. I feel enveloped by it. away from home and away from the noise and bustle of people. Dear Nico You were incredibly self centered. I am so very grateful for the brief but intense years of friendship we shared. It’s what I truly loved about you. It was like we were the only people alive in the city. I am exalted by the electricity of the frontier. and what set you apart. not in this life at least. The sound of snow crunching under our boots. it is to the night air as varnish is to old wood. Walking through the knee-deep snow across the Stone arch bridge passing a flask of Jameson to keep back the cold. In front of me lies the unknown. authenticity. to become friends again. Our quiet solitary adventures together are some of the best memories ill ever have. I relish their combination. To have your heart I need only claim it as mine. The good I saw in you that which never got expressed. The condensation of our breath Whispering into the night. when the grief of your parting is gone. warm. hurtful. we won’t have a moment like that again. The snowflakes falling through the illumination of a streetlight. The road moves at me and i am carried away. Laying claim They are all mine to hold and be held by. the silent motionlessness of winter. in the quiet. No one did it with as much adventure. I light a cigarette. as on the calm bottom of an endless ocean. you will be remembered for it. without the drugs and the hopelessness. and authentic. That was you at your worst. the baddest. behind antiquity. or ferocity as us. and stubborn. My warm runny nose and the taste of camel cigarettes. . You at your best was funny. spiteful. I truly wish we were able to come together again.
To find what I’ve always needed. There was no moon to light my way though it was full. And it feels as if you came and went to soon. Especially when done solely for one’s self. Being in the dark without you. And your solitude allowed me to recognize you as if you were myself. The perfect fit I went walking last night and I noticed something different. alone. You’ve found the perfect fit. I feel you’re all lined up to sit on my lap. When will I define myself through my own choice. But it can never swallow the moon. Blind to the brightest of lights. Because I know you don’t hold what I lack. unrequited. in enamored faces. I can see you for the first time. Tying and untying knots like so many laces. And though in each of you there’s always more to learn. with no more costumes to try on. Nothing worth doing is done easily. Captivated by the kindness in your silvered twinkling eye. Sienna . I realized I am indifferent. for your opulence grants me sight. But I’m reminded the wolf may have taken you. And it’s not a kind epiphany. Your days were furious and few. I’m curious when it’ll be my turn. in your resplendent wealth. You can see me unobscured from your place in the sky. And not by my ability to fix you? When will I recognize my own voice? And how many more hands must I slip through? If only you were able to catch me. When did you fly up to take your place in the night? Did I miss you rising over the horizon? It’s no matter now. Finding love. And trying to understand the mosaic my life traces. But now I must catch myself. while I remain seated. But I’ll carry on looking in the same places. on a lull.Why must you all love me so easily? Because it’s so simple to love you back.
That’s how it’s supposed to work right? Then I don’t look like a fool when you tell me you never really loved me and you don’t think I know what love really means. and otherwise. but I believed her. It looked pretty but as it turns out. In my own pathetic way I do still love you. Sorry for that. Ah. and it’s really quite shaming. I will not willingly say that I didn’t truly love you.” she says. . and i know that she loves me too. rather. and unfortunately I always will. the truth hurts I should just let you break my heart I suppose. She is thin and red haired and what my fourteen year old mind believes to be beautifully elegant. but you turned out to be more than a pawn in my game. I don’t know why. My eyes are slightly sparkled with tears as I ask. I’ve always had a deplorable streak of self-loathing. You hold the carbon copy of love I made at the start. What a shame. repair each crack in my self esteem and care for me as if I were a lost boy. I may have fucked it up and distorted it. “I can’t. I am absolutely horrible at soccer. yes I sabotaged myself once again. You might tell me to that I was set on getting my heartbroken. So I hope you find something to do with it. classmates. I really don’t know where that came from. and long socks. and the thing that’s really humiliating is that’s probably true too. I am absolutely in love with her. it doesn’t work very well. And so it’s clear. red haired.The ground is covered in dew. But soccer isn’t on my mind in this moment. Even if I wanted you to. but man I did really believe it for a while. You might be right. because you can’t give it back. shin pads. but it wasn’t a fantasy I dreamed up. I suppose if I were going to be honest I would say that I want someone to be there to pick me up from every failure. my attention is focused on the girl sitting cross-legged on the ground opposite to me. a team name is emblazoned across my chest. I am wearing cleats. and beautifully elegant girl who will be with me always. Walking away I leave behind a tenderly remembered and deeply cherished image of a thin. and a pathetic inability to change. Someone yells and a whistle is blown and I am off to the sidelines filled with friends. The points of all the blades of grass sparkle in the gentle light cast across the field. “Will you be my girlfriend?” Her eyes start to get red and misty.
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