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Tasteless Jokes

Tasteless Jokes

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Published by: Chleborád Skočdopole on Nov 04, 2012
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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10/17/2013

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Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate
Jim, were cutting wood when Jim acci-
dentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully
wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag
and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hos-
pital. “Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon
told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching
limbs. Come back in four hours.”
When Mark returned four hours later
the surgeon said, “I got through the opera-
tion much faster than expected. Your

34/1345

friend said to tell you that he has gone to
the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard
to believe but he went to the pub, and,
amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a
pint and a game of darts.
A few months later, Mark and Jim were
sawing wood again when the accident-
prone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the
leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim
back to the surgeon. The surgeon said,
“Legs are a little more complicated – come
back in six hours.” Mark returned in six
hours and the surgeon said, “I finished
early – your mate said to tell you he has
gone to the park to play football.” Mark
went to the local playing fields and, sure
enough, there was Jim, kicking a ball
about.

A few months later the hapless Jim had
yet another freak sawing accident and was
decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic
bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the

35/1345

surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are ex-
tremely difficult. Come back in twelve
hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours,
but was shocked when the surgeon told
him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”
“I don’t understand, you said heads were
just difficult.”
The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery
went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated
in that plastic bag.”

Tom was in a terrible accident at work.
He fell through the floor and ripped off
both of his ears. As he was permanently
disfigured, he settled for a very large sum
of money and left the company. At first he
was highly self-conscious about his disabil-
ity and he stayed at home, keeping himself
to himself. A few months later, however,
Tom decided to invest his money in a
small, but lucrative, franchise business.

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After weeks of negotiations he bought the
company outright. But, after signing on the
dotted line, he realized that he knew little
about running a business. He decided he
had to hire someone who could help him
out. After advertising in the local press he
received several interesting CVs and even-
tually set up three interviews.
The first candidate was very promising.
He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to
know everything he needed to. As the in-
terview drew to a conclusion, the applicant
commented, “I couldn’t help but notice,
but you don’t appear to have any ears.”
Tom was very disappointed by his lack of
tact and decided there and then that he
was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman
and she was even better than the first. At
the end of the interview he asked her dir-
ectly: “Do you notice anything different
about me?”

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She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Tom again felt slightly offended and de-
cided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the
best of all three, a young graduate fresh out
of business school. He was very smart, he
was very easy to get along with and he
seemed to have more about him than the
first two put together.
Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead
and asked the young man the same ques-
tion: “Do you notice anything different
about me?”

To his surprise, the young man
answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Tom was shocked, and said, “What an
incredibly observant young man. How in
the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvi-
ous really. You can’t wear glasses if you
haven’t got any fucking ears!”

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A man calls his wife from Accident
and Emergency. He tells her that he
lost his finger in a building site acci-
dent. “Oh my God!” cries the wife,
“The whole finger?”
“No,” replies her husband. “The one

next to it.”

One evening a man was at home watch-
ing TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every
now and then he would toss a peanut in the
air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he
was in mid-toss his wife asked him a ques-
tion and as he turned to answer her, a pea-
nut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but
in his desperation succeeded in only push-
ing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help
him dislodge it but after hours of trying
they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door,
their daughter came home with her date.

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After being informed of the problem, their
daughter’s’ young male companion sugges-
ted he might be able to get the peanut out.
He told the father to sit down and relax,
then proceeded to shove two fingers up the
father’s nose and told him to blow hard.
The father blew as he was told, and to
everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out
of his ear. The mother and father thanked
him profusely for helping them out. “It was
nothing,” the young man insisted mod-
estly. Once he was gone, the mother turned
to the father and said, “That’s wonderful!
Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you
think he’s going to be when he grows
older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the
smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”
A man rushes into a bar and orders a
double brandy. While the barman is
pouring, the man extends his hand at

40/1345

knee height and asks: “Do penguins
grow this big?”
“I should think so,” the barman

replies.

The man raises his hand. “How
about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but
I’m not sure . . .”
The man holds his hand at shoulder
level: “This big?”
“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in
one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

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