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Restaurant Menu Parody

Restaurant Menu Parody

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Published by Mike Spiegelman
Parody of a Restaurant Menu, by Mike Spiegelman.
Parody of a Restaurant Menu, by Mike Spiegelman.

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Published by: Mike Spiegelman on Nov 05, 2012
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06/11/2014

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Restaurant Menu Parody

By Mike Spiegelman © 2012 mike@spiegelmania.com Twitter: @spiegelmania @luggagetuesdays

Breakfast Breakfast Served All Day, Except During Brunch

Morning Dews Check out Beverages in our menu for lunch and dinner related drinks.

Liquid Starters Must look 21 years or older.

Mimosa - Fresh orange juice mixed with champagne. Maxosa - Fresh orange juice mixed with Royal Gate Vodka. Bloody Mary - Tomato juice, vodka, Tabasco Sauce, celery stalk, radish, hugged by our bartender Bloodless Mary - Vodka, Tabasco Sauce, celery stalk, radish Bloody Hairy - Bloody Mary with waiter's hair in it

LPBs - Left-Over Party Beers Start your morning like you did in college: drinking left-over bottles of beer from last night's party. Guaranteed half-full of flat beer. Original, or customize: - Add lipstick marks - Add cigarette butt - Add waiter's hair

Non-Alcoholic Liquid Starters Glass of freshly squeezed orange drink Small glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, nestled in a bowl of ice, just like the type Milton Berle drank in the 1966 movie The Oscar Glass of tomato juice Glass of milk Milk served in a dirty glass

Coffee Espresso drinks available in test markets only. We offer three unique blends: Hot Flavored Water, Individually Dripped Double Strength MigraineCausing Sewer Water, or Hazelnut. Decaf no longer available. Comes in three proprietary sizes: Zerk, Meduiminito, and Blark. Pitcher of coffee also available. Give an icy glare to your waitress for more information. Served with half and half, milk, Mini Moos, new sodium caseinate-free non-dairy powered creamer, white sugar, cane sugar, brown sugar, Splenda, NutraSweet, SugarTwin, NeoSaccharin, YumYumFake, Xylitol, or syrup.

Non-Liquid Starters

Slice of Melon - Add prosciutto - Add bacon

Half Grapefruit - Add maraschino cherries to form clown's face

Classic! Bowl of Oatmeal or Cold Cereal Just like you make at home. Seriously, why are you ordering this?

Omelets Served with those tiny seasoned potatoes that always give you diarrhea, plus choice of toast.

Classic Omelet Made with 3 eggs and your choice of American cheese: white or yellow.

Too Much Pesto Omelet Made with pesto sauce, 3 eggs, pesto sauce, feta cheese, pesto sauce, zucchini, carrots, pesto sauce, onions, spinach, pesto sauce, and pine nuts, topped with pesto sauce.

Southwest Airlines Southwestern Omelet Available only for Section A Seats 25-29 ticket holders.

Californian Tomato Spinach Jalapeno Pepper Double Dare We dare you to eat this and not get E. coli.

Mega Meat Omelet Donald the Breakfast Guy says:

Hey Carnivore-Dudes, it's me, Donald the Breakfast Guy, asking you: why not eat 16 meats for breakfast, bra? This 3-egger starts with ham, sausage, bacon, and scrapple. So that's one animal there. We sprinkle in diced grilled chicken breast, just to let the eggs know who's boss. Then we mix in cowburger, bison strips, turducken bites, turkey bacon, lobster snaps, scrod scraps, and boneless buffalo wings. Want bratwurst? Extreme! How about Mexican goat? After eating this, you'll bend over, clutch your butt, and yell, "Goat! Si!" Served with two strips of bacon, two sausage links, hash browns, and two fluffy buttermilk pancakes.

Hangover Remedy Omelet It's a double serving of our Mega Meat Omelet with a double serving of those tiny diarrhea potatoes.

Poser Omelet This 3-egg omelet is prepared with grilled bell peppers, onions, leeks, zucchini, and broccoli florets. We call it the "Poser" because a real vegetarian wouldn't eat eggs.

Egg Scrambles Have a hearty but lighter spin on an omelet. It's a playful new take, and the new name of our old menu section Omelet Failures. Served with tiny seasoned diarrhea taters, plus choice of toast. Each scramble is made from 3 fresh eggs and your choice of 2 pizza toppings breakfast fillings: Onions, bell peppers, mushrooms, chalk, green onions, scallions, green scallions, bacon, sausage, ground beef, pepperoni, anchovies, car keys.

Eggs That Are Neither Omelets Nor Scrambles Comes with diarrhea-free home fries and choice of toast. Served any style. Scrambled Fried Poached Hard-boiled Sunny side up Sunny side down Over easy Runny Egg whites only Egg yolks only Hatched, raised, killed, plucked, and fried in crispy batter

Lumberjack Specials

Classic! Lumberjack Classic 3 eggs, any style, with 2 sausage links, 2 bacon strips, ham steak, Canadian bacon, short pancake stack, waffle, home fries, grits, toast, garnish.

Double Lumberjack 6 eggs, any style, with 4 sausage links, 4 bacon strips, 2 ham steaks, bacon shaped like Canada, tall pancake stack, waffle cube, hash browns, grits, toast, choice of dessert, garnish.

Double Double Lumberjack 13 eggs, any style, with 8 sausage links, 8 bacon strips, a ham, Canadian citizenship, mega pancake stack, fourth dimensional waffle Klein bottle, those tiny seasoned potatoes that always give you diarrhea afterward, grits, toast, choice of dessert, cognac, garnish.

Diet Lumberjack 2 1/2 eggs, any style, with a sausage link, a bacon strip, ham steak strip, Canadian bacon, one pancake, one waffle, a scoop of cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf, garnish.

Lumberjack Junior 2 eggs, any style, with two strips of Canadian sausbacoham, pancake waffle toast, garnish.

Tree Hugger Soy scramble, with 2 soysage links, 2 blahcon strips, "ham" "steak", Canadian seitan, quinoa grits, entree serving of garnish.

Lumberjunk Special Same as a Classic, but our chef will personally dunk his junk in your breakfast.

Breakfast Entrees

Breakfast Burrito For those who still refuse to eat breakfast with utensils. We wrap scrambled eggs, potatoes, cheese, grits, and breakfast meat into a grip-friendly tortilla. Served with really, really good green salsa or really, really bad red salsa.

Breakfast Tacos We put scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, and chopped lettuce into 3 crispy hard-shelled corn taco shells and charge you money for it.

Breakfast Nachos Scrambled eggs, refried beans, and shredded cheese served on top of toasted tortilla chips.

Super Breakfast Nachos We supersize our normal Breakfast Nachos by adding bacon, sausage, ham, guacamole, and sour cream.

Steak-umms & Eggs USDA Choice sliced steak with 3 eggs, any style. Served on a bun.

New! CSI: My Hammie® Scrambled eggs, cheese, and ham get squeezed by slices of toast, and justice is served. Served with home fries. YEAH!!!!

Pancakes Topped with powdered sugar or your money back guaranteed. We proudly serve 36 redundant pancake styles: Plain, Normal, Average, Buttermilk, Buttermilk Walnut, Walnut Buttermilk, Buttermilk Nut (pecans), Nut Buttermilk (pecans), Fruit, Fruity, Fruit Medley, Fruit Combo, Buttermilk Fruit, Fruit Buttermilk, Chocolate Chips, Banana, Bananas, Banana Buttermilk, Buttermilk Banana, Banana Walnut, Walnut Banana, Walnut Banana Chocolate Chips, Extra Crispy, Extra Fluffy, Cinnamon Apple, Apple Cinnamon, Fruit Compote, Captain Crunch, Captain Crunch's Crunch Berries, Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch, With Cap'n Crunch, Without Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries, Without Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch, Ham, Sausage, Pepperoni, Bacon. Available as a short stack, tall stack, or fat guy stack.

Swedish Pancakes Served with butter, maple syrup, and various jam packages.

Waffles Don't waffle on this hip-to-be-square breakfast blast. It's your ideal maple syrup receptacle and comes in Buttermilk, Chocolate Chip, or Tooth-Cracking Nuts. Add fresh fruit, fruit compote, whipped cream, scoop of ice cream, or whatever will make you eat a waffle. Available as a waffle stack, waffle cube, or waffle matrix.

French Toast 3 hearty slices of stale bread dunked in eggy half and half, then fried and baked until edible. Thanks, France. Add strawberry, banana, whipped cream, pancakes.

French Toaster Pastries 2 thick French toast pieces stuffed with your choice of Cinnamon Apple or Cookies & Cream filling. Iced with strawberry frosting.

Bagels Shipped to our family restaurant daily by actual Jews. Served plain, toasted, with or without butter. Jelly available upon request. Jam verboten. Featuring traditional favorites: plain, poppy, garlic, onion, pumpernickel, sesame, everything. Also featuring neo-traditional favorites: cinnamon raisin, chocolate chip, blueberry, caramel swirl, maple, powdered sugar. Traditional cream cheeses available: plain, chives, whitefish. Neotraditional cream cheese spreads also available: creamy bacon, Frito-Lays brand bean dip (whole or half can), Miracle Whip with lox.

Breakfast Bagel Banwich Scrambled egg, American yellow cheese, choice of sausage or bacon patty.

Muffins Choice of plain, blueberry, cranberry, bran, apple cinnamon, or junk-dunked.

Breakfast Sides 4 strips of bacon 4 links of sausage 1 ham steak 1 hamburger patty 1 fried chicken dinner 1 English muffin 1 cheese Danish 1 egg, any style

Hash Browns Add grilled onions Add cheddar cheese Add gravy Add French fries

Lunch: Hamburgers

Crave burgers? Darn tootin', Pardner, ya crave burgers. Betcha this is the first place ya eye-balled on this here menu parody. Yee haw! Our burgers get rustled up 100% organic beef at our signature private ranch, where cattle roam on an open range and lives cruelty-free, as defined by the Bush Administration. Yee haw! SOME MIGHT SAY OUR HAMBURGERS ARE WHY PEOPLE NEVER FORGET MENU PARODIES.

Classic Burger - Our signature burger since 1983. Classic w/ Cheese Double Classic w/ Cheese Junk-Dunked Double Classic w/ Cheese

New! Modern Classic The Classic goes kickin and screamin into the 21st Century with this delicious update. It's the same Classic you know and love, but this time without any painful laxatives.

Bacon Burger Tangy, crispy, flavorful bacon desperately masks our lackluster meat. Mustard and cheese help, too. Add overpowering Southwestern Bar-B-Que sauce...$1.50 Add bacon...$1.50

Hawaiian Burger Say aloha to a burger topped with pineapple, bacon, and Continental American Cheese. Not available on December 7th.

Retro! Burgertime Burger Our chef climbs ladders and avoids walking pickles to drop oversized hamburger layers off scaffolding, for some reason.

Business Woman's Burger That's a hamburger patty, scoop of cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf, and a TAB.

Live105 105FM Alternative Rock Alternative Burger Patty Melt Like the music you listen to, you're different, and so is this burger. It has grilled onion, like you, and the bun's actually rye bread, which is ironic.

West Coast Pizza Burger This hamburger uncannily tastes like California pizza: it's really shitty and fake, and not as good as the East Coast Pizza Burger.

Open Face Big Easy Chili Burger We replace the top bun of the Kaiser roll of this burger with meaty chili. A portion of the top bun will be donated to the Katrina Relief Fund.

Garden Burger It's people! The Garden burger's made of people.

Lunch: Burgerless Burgers AKA Sandwiches AKA Sammies Meat-Free Veggie Sandwich Pile-Up Celebrate your new vegetarian lifestyle with our edible alternative to red meat. Our giant veggie meal piles up organic slices of scrod, catfish, tilapia, salmon, shrimp, and mussels, drenched in fish brothbased oyster sauce. Served with French Fries in gravy.

Tuna or Chicken Salad Sandwich We forget which. The label fell off -- you tell us.

New! BLT Salad Sandwich Experience your favorite salad...as a sandwich!! We take a bowl of our BLT Salad, and toss it into two pieces of bread. Again, not a salad.

Club Sandwich Our two-tiered treat joins the club with thick slices of turkey, ham, bacon, and Swiss cheese. Club sandwich not allowed for women.

BLECH Sandwich It's Bacon, Lettuce, Egg, Cheese, and Horseradish. Ask for it by name.

Chicken Caesar Salad Philly Cheese Steak Indulge in an Eastern state's favorite. Good old predictable chicken Caesar salad. A portion of the top bun will be donated to the Sandy Relief Fund.

Cousin Reuben's Reuben Sandwich Oy, don't be a shlemiel. Show some chutzpeh, shlimazel, and nosh on our mashugga Reuben Sandwich. It's farkakte corned beef to plotz for, a shlepping schmear of kraut and a putzful of hecka good Russian dressing. Made by the Chinese kitchen staff. Add Bacon...$1.50

Classic! Grilled Cheese Now you can brag to your vegan friend, that as a vegetarian, you get to eat two items on this menu, and not just the house salad.

Mama Meatball's Spaghetti and Meatball Grinder Mama Meatball! Paisan, manga Mama's old country favorite: some spaghetti, some meatballs, some gravy on a Jersey roll. Made by the Mexican kitchen staff.

Spicy Buffalo Chicken Ranch Try our two-story 3BR, 2 half bath pinewood ranch, surrounded by 150 acres of Wyoming land, ideal for free-range buffalo and chicken.

Turkey Healthy Hero Cheat death with turkey, the miracle substitute meat.

New! Cousin Reuben and Mama Meatball's Daughter Kristen's Whatever Pita Like I don't know why my folks want me to make food and stuff but like that's not me so like whatever you can finish my gyro.

Lunch: Salads

Veggie Greens Salad Our signature house salad has fresh organic romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onion, green peppers, bean sprouts, and celery. Our least popular dish.

MEATerize Your Salad Add beef strips...add $1.50 Add shrimp strips...add $1.50 Add chicken nuggets...add $.50

Chicken Caesar Salad Make your date think you're on a diet. Good old predictable chicken Caesar salad.

BLT Salad Experience your favorite sandwich...as a salad!! We take strips of crispy bacon, carefully layer bacon in between slices of tomato and lettuce, and serve it within our patented edible square toast plate. We then top it with another piece of toast and serve with Miracle Whip dressing. Again, not a sandwich.

MBA Salad The finest business majors created a fresh research-backed, focus groups-approved medley of iceberg lettuce, bacon, frosting, onion rings, baby corn, and Zac Efron.

Junk Dunked Taco Salad Our ensalada del taco has 1/3 lb refried seasoned ground beef, smothered in spicy shredded cheese, jalepenos, artifical guacamole spread, and corn chips, and placed in an edible taco bowl. Then, to make sure there's still no vegetables in this salad, the chef will personally dunk his junk in each salad.

Lunch: Salad Bar Enjoy our All-You-Can-Eat salad bar buffet. However, please follow our salad bar rules.

No shirt, no shoes, no service. Please respect the surrounding neighborhood when smoking outside salad bar. Keep your conversations down. Weight of plate deducted from final weighing. Blue dishes are for Kosher Bar only. Tonight is Dairy Night at Kosher Bar. Do not place meat on blue dishes. No grazing. Coyote Ugly dancing prohibited on counter. Sneeze guard is not a conversation piece. Do not touch. Tuesday is Ladies' Night. City of Los Angeles Health Code: B. No credit. Do not tip DJ.

Early Bird Specials - Only 199 cents!

Free basket of roasted shelled peanuts when you relentlessly jab your finger at the Early Bird coupon while your waitress tells you her name!

Macaronis & Cheese Our Italian delicacy features exactly 3 macaronis in cheese sauce.

Grilled Cheese Sand Sliced American cheese melted on real sand.

Personal-Size Pizza for Six Enjoy single-serving mini-pizza with six plates. Comes with pitcher of water, no ice.

Offer only valid between 3pm to 4:30, then it's back to normal-people prices. That's right, you heard me.

Entrees All entrees comes with a side salad, cup of soup, or chili bowl; baked or mashed potato, homemade shoe-string garlic wasabi waffle fries, or rice; basket of hot, fresh bread or a carafe of crispy, zesty breadsticks; choice of 3 of the following 15 vegetables: sweet corn kernels; ham-hock or vegan greens; glazed, steamed, or raw carrots; string beans; yams or sweet potato; shallot medley; grilled mushrooms; bacon; baked beans; ratatouille (not affiliated with Pixar); roasted peppers; broccoli in cheese sauce; cauliflower in caramel sauce; brussel sprouts; chipped spinach; or nothing. No substitutions.

Entree: AppetiStarters Bacon Strips 8 crispy sizzling strips of bacon, served without garnish. Add Bacon...$1.50 extra.

New! Boneless Pizza Fries Improved version of our original version of Pizza Fries.

Brownies Eat a plate of brownies before dinner. Add Bacon...$1.50 extra.

Mark Ruffalo Wings Comes with Sunrise Coigney dipping sauce.

Entrees: Food From Our Commercials

You drove here for a reason. Now eat what you see on TV! Served by smiling waitstaff. Ethnically diverse friends available upon request.

Slow-Motion Flame-Kissed Tossed Pan-Fried Shrimp In our kitchen, a metal pan will throw four shrimp over a flame in slow motion. Comes with a salad of slow-motion exploding wet lettuce.

Stuff Poured on Steaks We crumble blue cheese on an otherwise perfectly good piece of meat, then we drip honey mustard bacon pesto tartar sauce on it.

Bouncing Fried Shrimp Hot breaded fried shrimp land on a white plate and immediately bounce. Served with a shower of slowly spraying lemon wedges.

Sauce-Brushed Tong-Handled Melody-Blessed Baby Back Ribs Here our humane essence of cooking shines. Using metal tongs, we place pork on the grill, then tastefully layer sauce on it using a paintbrush, all the while singing songs about baby back ribs.

Telegenic Lobster Get sprayed by shellfish juice when you crack open our freshly frozen genuine locally shipped lobster.

Entrees: Foie Gras Favorites Spicy Foie Gras Calamari Rings of squid covered in spicy teriyaki foie gras sauce.

Grilled Foie Gras Caesar Salad Lettuce gets tossed with Caesar dressing, toasted croutons and anchovies, served with grilled marinated foie gras.

NEW! BLFGT Try our classic sandwich of bacon, lettuce, foie gras, and tomato.

Ciabatta Foie Gras Foie gras gets covered in grilled onions and tangy mustard on a hot ciabatta bun.

Stuffed Flounder Ahoy! Get stuffed with fresh fillets of flounder, stuffed with real crabmeat and foie gras.

Mac and Cheese and Foie Gras Macaroni gets smothered in a tangy cheese, porcini mushroom, and foie gras sauce.

Foie Gras Stackers Get foie gras and cheese "your way" with the Foie Gras Stacker. Choose from double, triple or quadruple layers of foie gras and cheese -- topped with bacon and truffles. No veggies allowed.

Homestyle Foiegrasloaf Mom will wonder who stole her recipe when she tastes this.

Entre: Pizza

Step back and enjoy a simple, elegant pizza pie of tomato sauce, mozzarella, and choice of crust, toppings, and dunking sauces. Our pizza is sung to by a cherub-cheeked handlebar-moustached Italian chef who-a loves-a pizza.

Options Sizes: 12", 24", 36" Crust: Chili Cheez Crustz, Detachable Dunkables brand dessert crusts, Classic

Toppings: Veggies: mushrooms Meats: Pepperoni, Meatball

Pizza Crust Dipping N Dunking Sauces

Tomatoey Paste Mustang Ranch Crab Sauce Vanilla Frosting Spicy Blue Nacho Cheese Peanut Butter and Jelly Syrup The Flavor That Cannot Be Named

Entrees: Holiday Meals In observance of Yom Kippur, our buffet tables will remain empty.

Eggnog and Bacon, with Hash Browns, Short Stack, Toast, and Coffee What gives this breakfast gift a little kick? 'Tis the seasonings pepper and salt/sodium.

Hopping John New Year's Day Dish Start your resolutions right with our healthy and affordable bowl. We've replaced bacon and ham hocks with turkey bacon and lean duck, respectively.

Substitutions, please add $2.99: Substitute turkey bacon with real bacon. Substitute duck with real ham hocks. Substitute black-eyed peas with M&Ms.

Old Favorite! Plate of Brownies Can't be a holiday without it.

Turkey, Mashed Potatoes with Gravy, Stuffing, Yams, and Cranberry Sauce Astronaut Pill That's one small step for [a] man to eat a holiday classic in the form of a tablet. NASA traded us these for 20 deep fryers. Served with vodka.

Divisions, please add $2.99:

1/2 Pill, 1/2 Soup 1/2 Pill, 1/2 Salad

New Twist! Gefilte Fish on Leavened Bread Oy, Gefilte! Our juicy patties are packed with carp, leavened matzah, eggs, onions, and carrots, smothered in chilled gelatin. We place it on a slice of white bread, with a schmear of Miracle Whip, on a bed of lettuce.

Additions, please add $2.99: Add Horseradish Add Bacon

Entrees: Steaks, Prime Ribs, and Briskets THIS SECTION IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION Recall beef in this family restaurant? Yes, it must be a downer to see our USDA-certified beef supply cease. But don't have a cow, man, our beef will still live on inside many of you. Our steaks and prime ribs will return, fresh from the organic cloning labs. This beef will be tender, juicy, and able to obey orders. By reading sentences with the words recall, downer, cow, and tainted meat, you legally absolve us from any retroactive steak dinners. Ask for our special free sample.

Swedish Meatballs Sample Made from new, healthy cloned beef. Eat all you want, we'll clone more! Free.

Also, let's not get Hamburgers involved. It'll be our little secret.

Entrees: Seafood Management requests patrons not to tell the "Whenever I see food, I eat it" joke to the staff, as per the ruling of John Doe vs. Waitress Who Snapped.

Lobster Shrimp Move over, jumbo shrimp! This shrimp is so big, it's shaped like lobsters. It's served over steaming hot rice-shaped couscous, with a wedge of cantaloupe-sized lemon.

New! Paella Jambalaya Etouffee Gumbo Don't worry if you can't pronounce this traditional stew of traditional stews. Just know it's a lot of different shellfish and point to the menu when ordering. Also, don't fret about where we find shellfish.

Retro! Microwaved Frozen Fish Sticks with Frozen Relish Package, Mayo and Ketchup Tartar Sauce Relive your Gen-X years when you had to cook for yourself and the only thing in the kitchen was a box of fish sticks. (Remember, your ex-roommate Jake bought it when he was on that vegetarian kick. He never ate it, and then he moved out of the apartment and you were like, "Whatever. Babysitter food.") Unlike you, we know how long to microwave the breaded sticks of fish and properly whip up tartar sauce with perfectly thawed pickle relish.

ScrodFest 2014 Dive into a seaworthy scrod celebration. Catch one of these scrod entrees: Spicy Jumbo Scrod with Lobster Shrimp Butter, Euro-Pepper Chipotle Scrod, or Tequila-Beer-Margarita Scrod. Served with cheese sticks and pork buns. Avaliable only on Scrod Lover's Tuesdays.

All-You-Can-Eat Wild California Chinook King Salmon 'Tis the chinook fishing season for bottomless plates of prized pink fish from the Sacramento and San Joaquin Rivers. Dig in, there's plenty more where that comes from!

Entrees: Specialty Diet Specials We no longer serve porkless bacon after our entire supply mysteriously imploded.

Hot Garden Salad contains no raw vegetables We toss boiled tomato wedges, fried celery, baked radishes, stir-fried green onions, sautéed bell peppers, freshly baked croutons and peeled roasted chestnuts over a bed of steamed lettuce. Served with melted blue cheese dressing.

Plate of "Raw" Brownies Here's a decadent dessert for the discriminating macrobotic foodie. Our "raw" brownies are the same fig paste you know so well but this time we shaped it to look like square brownies. It'll make you wonder why the quotation marks are around the word raw and not brownies.

Kosher Meal It's poached salmon served with long-grain rice. It's surprisingly tasty, but don't tell anyone, because then everybody will order it.

New! Kosher-Style Meal It's the Kosher Meal served when the restaurant rabbi has the day off. Only available Friday night and Saturday morning.

Wheat-Free Gluten-Free Sugar-Free Yeast-Free Pancakes Our subcontractors sold us substandard flapjack batter lacking in ingredients. We were about to throw it away when someone in Marketing said, "Hey, you know, there's some people allergic to everything who would pay extra to eat this swill." We promoted that guy.

Desserts Due to rising costs, the sundae bar now shares space with the salad bar. Please follow the Sundae Bar Rules.

Malts and shakes can now be found in the Beverages section of the menu, thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling, State Board v. Fat Kid.

Spongy Blob Square Cake Are you ready, Dessert Eaters? Aye-aye, Dessert Captain. I can't hear you... Aye-aye, Dessert Captain! Oh! Who tastes like a pineapple soaked in Jim Bean? Spongy Blob Square Cake! Spongy and yellow and tasty is he! Spongy Blob Square Cake! You must be at least 21 years old with proper ID to eat this animated taste treat. Animated taste treat is not affiliated with Nickelodeon Networks and is not part of the Kids Menu.

New! Ice Cream Moo-ve over, cupcakes, because ice cream's back in town! Now available in a bowl, cone, or on a waffle. Flavors: Vanillish, Chocolatey, Strawblerry, Bananasque Foster, Sanka Swirl, Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies Encore Edition.

Foodie Regression Pie Why do restaurant reviewers write caustic, urbane critiques of entrees, then regress into a creepy child voice when discussing desserts? One tasters of our yum-yum pie and you'll say, "More, pwease!"

Philly Style Cheesecake Here's a sweet alternative to rude New York style cheesecake. Made from fresh Pennsylvania cheese, it's served with grilled onions and peppers on whatever those rolls are.

American Dessert Tray For dessert in Europe, the garçon wheels over a cart of four desserts. The patrons selects one. The garçon then wheels the tray back into the kitchen and returns with a fresh dessert. We offer you strawberry tart, caramel flan, chocolate cake, or caramel chocolate strawberry flan tart cake, with an American twist: We let you eat all four!

Plate of Brownies It's a plate of brownies.

Sundae Bar Ice cream is not included with sundae bar visit and is a separate purchase from our Dessert menu. Not available to those who order the meat Kosher meal. Due to the ephemeral nature of ice cream, please select quickly and keep conversations to a minimum. Do not pour cold milk into the Cheerios bin.Please, no junk dunking. Our all-you-should-eat sundae bar offers you: Sprinkles, jimmies, chocolate sprinkles, rainbow jimmies, Hydrox cookie crumbles, mini Kit Kats, crushed Certs, Planter's peanuts, Beer Nuts, pecans, crunchy nonpareils, chocolate chips, coconut shavings, Cheerios, blue strawberries, kiwi, leftover brownies, whipped cream, Miracle Whip, soy whip, and maraschino cherries. The sundae bar is now located in the salad bar, which is a separate purchase. The following are not considered sundae toppings: Diced tomatoes, chopped onion, mushroom caps, carrot shavings, mint jelly, wasabi croutons, Savoy cabbage, water chestnuts, raw garlic cloves, baby corn, buttercrunch lettuce.

How to Tell Apart the Sundae Sauces In Case Of Missing Placards Light brown, sticky: Caramel Sauce Dark brown, familiar tasting: Hot Fudge Yellowish, thick: Hot Butterscotch Crimson, vile: Berry Sauce

Brunch Served 10:30-2:30 Sundays only.

While management encourages reading and poetry listening during brunch, there is a strict 30-minute seating limit for each table. When the time is up, another party can claim the space by running up to the table and grabbing the chairs, like they do in southern Europe.

To discourage reading outside materials, our brunch menu has been written in styles popularly read after church.

Not to be combined with the Early Bird Specials, Valuez Menu, or the discontinued Siesta Snacks.

WE DON'T CARRY THE SUNDAY TIMES.

Fun-Facts about Brunch * Brunch was discovered in 1868 by Dr. Brunchenstein.

* According to Wikipedia: "Brunch traditionally begins an hour after breakfast and before Howard Stern."

* Celebrities born during brunch include character actor David Morse and physicist Albert Einstein.

* To turn any breakfast into brunch, simply cook your meal and wait outside your apartment for an hour before seating. Serve meal cold and with an attitude.

* Once upon the nineteenth century in New York state, a gentleman ordered a side of fried 'taters that came out too thick for his liking. He personally complained to the Indian cook about his meal and demanded thinner-sliced fried potatoes, which was considered blasphemy at the time. The cook sliced the skinniest chips from a potato, fried them in lard, and heavily salted them. The gentleman took one bite and was so impressed, he personally took the cook out for brunch. That gentleman was none other than Dr. Frito-Lays. The Indian cook was never heard from again. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact his family at 1-866-MIS-COOK.

Brunch Poetry

Eggs Benedict There once was a man from Van Nuys Who only ate food named for spies. Named after a traitor boss Were eggs in hollandaise sauce, Served with Neville Chamberlain fries.

Eggs Florentine It's Eggs Benedict With spinach and tomatoes, Cheese and no muffin.

Poetry Slam Egg Skillets I'd like my eggs To be served on a metal skillet.

Brunch: Sunday Celebrity Solicitation Section by Sir Walter Scott

Dear Sir Walter, What has celebrity brunch entree sausage pancake sandwich been doing lately? I bet my buddy a steak that it's not even on the menu. Hungry in Astoria

Dear Hungry, Better get dressed, because you owe your pal a steak dinner. But seriously, not only is sausage pancake sandwich on the menu, but it will soon come with options, according to publicist Angie Lipton. "We see great cheese and egg choices in the future," says Lipton.

Dear Sir Walter, Who was that brunch entree seen with bowl of hot oatmeal on a recent commercial? Drunk in Bloomfield

Dear Drunk, Sources close to oatmeal say it was none other than plate of bacon, but they are just good friends.

Dear Sir Walter, Is that really lox on the menu? Isn't that crap expensive? Concerned in Fairfax

Dear Concerned, You're right. It's really whitefish dyed red with sliced phonions and copy-capers.

Well, that's my time. I've enjoyed my guest spot in this menu, and if you enjoyed it too, look for my regular column in the glossy magazine found inside most national Sunday newspapers. Also, my novel Ivanhoe is now available on Amazon Kindle, and check out my blog.

Brunch: Brunch Time Theater insert This restaurant proudly presents live entertainment every Sunday morning at 10:30 am.

First Sunday of the month: Open Mic Stand-Up Comedy Comedians wait their turn and don't order drinks. Sign-up 5:30 am. Featuring Creepy the Comic, Emotional Life Waster, and Mike Spiegelman.

Second Sunday of the month: Murder Mystery Actors stay in character and walk up to your table and emote something about a crime. Was the lonely librarian murdered or was it just food poisoning like the cops say? Do not tip or feed the actors.

Third Sunday of the month: Jazz Brunch Enjoy the ramblings of local jazz trios. Alternates with Piano Bar Sunday, depending on how high the bassist and drummer are.

Fourth Sunday of the month: Open Mic Spoken Word Poetry Sign-up 5:30 am. No comics allowed.

Fifth Sunday of the month (when applicable): Employee Meeting Middle management answers questions from the waitstaff.

To Marketing From Legal We don't hold a cabaret license and fail fire safety standards required to present live music or entertainment. Do not print up any inserts.

From Marketing To Legal Too late.

From Legal To Marketing Did you by chance go forward in time and include this email thread in the printed insert, too?

From Marketing To Legal Yes.

Brunch: Letters to the Editors of the Sunday Brunch Menu

Editors, Your recent parody of Personality Parade by Walter Scott plays down the unhealthy dangers of breakfast pancake sandwiches ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.3: Sunday Celebrity Solicitation Section by Sir Walter Scott"). Why, one McGriddle alone has 21 grams of fat and 245 milligrams of cholesterol. Breakfast pancake sandwiches are no laughing matter. A. Renegade

Editors, Bring back the votive candles. Don't allow the actions of a few bad teenagers to alter the brunch policy. Also, bring back baskets of free shelled peanuts. Tony

Editors, Your Double Double Lumberjack contains 8 links of sausage. That's too many links of sausage. I say, no on 8. Tony

Editors, Your breakfast side of bacon has only 4 strips ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 8: Breakfast"). You'd need to double that to keep me satisfied. When it comes to strips of bacon, vote yes on 8. Name Placeholder

Editors, Whether you're for 8 strips of bacon or against 8 links of sausage, it's still inappropriate to discuss private breakfast choices at a public brunch. The Hostess

Editors, As a life-long resident of Van Nuys, I was insulted by your recent limerick ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.2: Brunch Poetry"). You make it sound like our residents are appeasers just because "Nuys" rhymes with "spies." For shame. Name Placeholder

Editors, Please let our waitress know we are ready for the check. Table 6

Brunch: Sunday Comics Brunch Menu Due to legal reasons, we are unable to include the visual images of Sunday newspaper comics promoting our brunch specials. Here are vague transcriptions:

Sardonic Cat Pet Owner: Got a date today with Marci! Sardonic Cat: Yeah, right.

Pet Owner: Gonna go out for brunch! Sardonic Cat: Do even you know what brunch is?

Pet Owner: Sure, it's the sound you make when you munch on something cold. Sardonic Cat: Oy. Wake me when it's Tuesday.

Three-Ring Family Mother: Who ate my waffle brunch platter? Little Boy: It wasn't me. A ghost with the words "It wasn't me" written on it: Mmm, those waffles were good!

Light-Colored-Hair Girl and Her Bum of a Husband Husband: I hope my boss doesn't catch me sleeping at my desk. Boss: (entering office): Gadtree!

Husband: I can explain, Boss! Boss: Explain what? We're late for brunch!

Husband: Oh boy, brunch! I'm going to make one of my famous Gadtree sandwiches! Boss: What's in it?

Husband: Ham, turkey, roast beef, salami, bologna, Swiss cheese, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, 4 slices of bread, and toothpicks with olives in them. Boss: Egads, how did you come up with that?

Husband: I have OCD. Boss: !!!

Non-Alcoholic Beverages

Colas Coke $1.00 Pepsi $2.25 RC Cola $0.80 RC Cola for Hipsters $1.85 Colas available in classic, new, diet, light, blue, crystal, jazz, lemon, ice, diet lemon, diet light, cherry, wild cherry, vanilla, mild vanilla, Kosher, Blak, tamarind, holiday blend, white, extreme, twist, caffeine-free, or zero.

Mountain Dew $1.25 Mountain Dew Voltage $1.25 Mountain Dew SuperNova $1.25 Mountain Dew Revolution $1.25 Mountain Dew Live Wire $1.25 Mountain Dew Baja Blast $1.25 Mountain Dew Code Red $1.25 Mountain Dew Typhoon $1.25 Mountain Dew Distortion $1.25 Mountain Dew White Out $1.25 Diet Mountain Dew $1.25. Vote for your favorite Mountain Dew flavor at Dewmocracy.com Sample vote: Shit's nasty.

Dr Pepper's By Appt Only Mr. Pibbs $2.00 Mrs. Pathmark $0.85

Red Bull $4.00 Red Bull Knock-Off $3.00 Red Bull Knock-Off Cherry Fruit Punch Extreme $2.75 Limit 3 per teenager.

Sodas 7Up $1.25 Sprite $1.75 Sierra Mist Free Kroger's Lemon Lime Breeze $0.85

Soda Fountain Favorites, Served to You by an Actual Jerk! Orange Soda $1.25 Grape Soda $1.25 Strawberry Soda $1.25 Blue Soda $1.25 Tamarind Soda $1.25 Root Beer $3.50 Birch Beer $3.50 Stick Beer $3.50 Cream Soda $3.50 Celery Soda $3.50 Stick Soda $3.50

Pop Vernors Ginger Ale $1.25 Piggly Wiggly Brand Sarsaparilla $1.25 Moxie $0.05 Faygo Red Pop $0.25 Squirt $1.25 Fresca Seasonal

Mixers Club Soda $1.00 Tonic Water $1.00 Seltzer $1.00

Neat Free Canada Dry Ginger Ale $0.15 Schweppes Ginger Ale $2.25 Bartender Ginger Ale $1.00 Our bartender personally grabs the soda gun and squirts club soda, Sprite, and a splash of Coke into an iced glass. Served delusionally.

Juice Bar Check out our menu's Breakfast Section for fruit drinks, coffee, and cow milk.

Coolers and Ades Homemade Lemonade $0.25 Iced Tea $1.00 Iced Coffee $1.00 Old Coffee $0.75

Agua Frecas Unripe Melon $2.25 Syrupy Strawberry $2.25 Burnt Rice Horchata $2.25

Water And now, a personal memo from Mr. Henry Sommers, Senior Middle Manager for this family restaurant franchise:

Hey. In the restaurant industry, there's a dirty secret about the water we serve and it has nothing to do with junk dunking. It's called upselling and you can read more about it at double u double u double u dot ee en dot wikipedia dot org slash wiki slash upselling. Our industry trains staff to upsell every item. Remember when you ordered French fries, and your waiter asked if you preferred curly fries, chili fries or gold fries instead? Upselling. What about that yelling match about adding cheese to your hamburger? Upselling. Or the time you cut yourself and started to bleed and you asked your waiter for an adhesive bandage and he said, "How about a Band-Aid?" That's upselling, too!

We won't taunt you over your meal choices, especially when it comes to drinks. Don't feel too embarrassed or too poor to ask us:

"Can I have a glass of water?"

Our answer is a straightforward "yes." We won't make assumptions about your income or religion. We will always serve you the free albeit probably polluted water you want without passive-aggressively mentioning the pollution part. And we won't pander and lie to you based on gender. As a woman, I personally guarantee it.

Anyway, this family restuarant franchise only serves tap water. We'd like to credit this move to recent trends, but it's really that, thanks to the recession, we can't afford to stock bottled water.

Make sure to fill out our water survey before you leave. And tipping is traditionally twenty percent -- but you already knew that.

Mr. Henry Sommers

P.S. Don't order the Bartender Ginger Ale. Shit's nasty.

What Did You Think About Your Complementary Glass of Water? It was our pleasure to serve you a free glass of water, and now it's our pleasure to ask you to "freely" rate it.

1. How was your glass of water? __ Good __ Disappointing

1.5 How was the service? __ Disappointing __ OK

2. Was the glass of water to your specifications? __ Yes __ No

2.5 (If "No") What was wrong? __ I said, "No ice." __ Iced water not room-temperature

2.8 (If "No") In the future, what do you want us to do? __ I said, "No ice." __ Simply serve iced water at room-temperature

3. Ice: Was there ice in your glass of water? __ Yes __ I said, "No ice."

3.4 (If "Yes") What kind of ice? __ Cubes __ Chips __ Shaved

3.9 (If "Yes") In a word, describe the ice. __ Intrusive __ Icy

4. Stuff: Was there stuff added to your water? __ No __ Yes

4.5 (If "Yes") What stuff? (Check all appropriate stuff, listed alphabetically) __ Anise __ Band-Aid __ Bay leaf __ Bitters __ Caffeine __ Chili pepper __ Cigarette butt __ Cinnamon __ Cinnamon stick __ Cocktail onion __ Cocktail umbrella __ Coffee beans __ Corn syrup __ Cucumber slice __ Cucumber wedge __ Cress __ Dill blade __ Dirt (Like in "Back to the Future III")

__ E. Coli __ Edelweiss __ Ephedra __ Fennel __ Flax seeds __ Frog __ Garlic clove __ Gelatin __ Ginger flakes __ Ginger root __ Ginseng __ Ginseng, American __ Ginseng root __ Ginseng, Siberian __ Gold flakes __ Goldenseal __ Hemlock __ Hormones __ Horseradish root __ Ice __ Jasmine __ Juleps __ Kelp __ Licorice stick __ Lemon juice

__ Lemon slice __ Lemon wedge __ Lemon zest __ Lemongrass __ Lemonsalt __ Lime juice __ Lime slice __ Lime wedge __ Lime zest __ LSD __ Metamucil __ Mickey __ MSG __ Myrrh __ Nutmeg __ NutraSweet __ Oat bran __ Old gum __ Olive __ Orange oil __ Orange slice __ Orange wedge __ Orange zest __ Parsley __ Patchouli oil

__ Pebbles __ Peppermint __ Peppermint candy cane __ Poison __ Pomegranate seeds __ Poppy seeds __ Pubic hair __ Purple flavor __ Question mark __ Red dye __ Rock salt (around rim) __ Roofie __ Rose petals __ Rosehips __ Saffron __ Sea Monkeys __ Spit __ St. John's Wart __ Stevia __ Sugar __ THC __ Urine __ Valerian root __ Vanilla bean __ Vanilla stick

__ Vitamins __ Vodka __ Wasabi __ Water __ Witch hazel __ Xanax __ Xylitol __ Yogurt culture __ Yohimbe __ Zima __ Zoloft

4.6 (If "Yes" or "No") (Optional) Suggestions? _________

5. Preferences: I prefer __ Tap water __ Filtered water __ Spring water __ Buy a drink with my meal once in a while

Kids Menu

Kids Meals All meals come with French fries, tater tots, ginger snaps, or a time-out. Hot Dog Hamburger Mac N Cheese Macnburger Dog Lentils Crustless Grilled Cheese Sandwich Add Bacon Add Crust

Big-Boned Kids Meals All Big-Boned meals come with chicken tenders. Ham, Burger Mac N Cheesewheel BLT - Bacon, Lettuce and Taco Sandwich

Junk Food disguised as Healthy Food Little fussy eaters today eat only nutritional foods they see on television and share on the playground. Trick them into eating fast food disguised as their favorite vegetable. Then, in the car ride back, break the news to them. Pizza rolls-stuffed bell peppers Chili dog shaped like brussel sprouts Hamburger shaped like a hot dog

New! Kid's Pasta That's Not Mac N Cheese Spaghetti and Meatballs Vegetarian option: Spaghetti

Pizza for Infants Our single-serving pies feature the most popular toppings for infants, according to Google, Jr.: Cheese, pepperoni, crap off the floor, paper receipts, chokeables, Daddy's cellphone, cat poop, soda cap, shiny keys.

Puzzle Page for Kids! Must purchase meal before solving puzzles.

Word Search - How many table activities can you find?

Krossword for Kids

Clues 1 Across - "Cheesy" part of Mac N Cheese 2 Down - You'd need to crack these to make an omelet 3 Down - Lettuce dish 4 Across - Nick and Nora's Dog

Alcoholic Beverages Must look 21 or older. For more alcoholic beverages, see our Breakfast menu. Patrons must order meals when drinking at tables. Drinking without food available at the bar. Alcoholic beverages not available for take-out. GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems. (3) Nothing quashes failure fire better than alcohol.

New! Beer

Budweiser Available varieties of Bud: Classic Platinium, Extra Gold Light, Silver Bullet, Bronze Star, Tin Foil, Near, Ice, Light, Lite, Lt., Dry, Chill, Lime, Clamato, Red Light, Extravagant Esprit, Select, Best, Special, Reserved, holiday novelty flavors, Children's.

Coors Non-Racist Coors Pabst Blue Ribbon Pabst Blue Ribbon for Hipsters Miller Genuine Draft (on tap only)

Hand-crafted limited-edition microbrewed flavored beer. Available flavors: sickly orange, overbearing blueberry, and oh-God-there's-vanilla-in-this-beer!

Wines on draft

Red, White, champagne.

What wine on draft complements my meal? For any chicken or fish entrees or strips, we suggest the white wine on draft. For steaks and dishes without dipping sauce, the house recommends the red wine on draft. If you're eating breakfast, try a flute of the champagne on draft.

Drinks For 21-Year-Olds

Sex on the Beach Screaming Orgasm BJ Rinse (bottled water) Long Island Iced Tea Liquor Cabinet Sampler Shot

Cocktails

Martini Customize your own drinky-poo, then visit our Martini Fixins bar. Served chilled, room-temperature, dry, stirred, shaken, or junk-dunked.

Martini Fixins Bar: Green olives without pimentos, green olives with pimentos, black olives, anchovy-stuffed black olives, pickled pearl onions, lemon twists, lemon wedges, lime twists, lime wedges, coffee beans, cocktail swords, wooden toothpicks, cocktail napkins, bottle of vermouth to wave over glass.

Other cocktails from our Vermouth bar: Manhattan, Bronx, Bijou, Gibson, Abbey, Bobby Burns, The Yuck Gross. Vermouth also available in a glass or forced down throat. Vermouth served with choice of American Tapas: stick of spearmint gum, M&Ms, or cellphone wipe.

Extreme Cocktails

Applejack Extreme Applejack, simple syrup, lemon juice, taurine.

Old Fashioned Extreme Rye, bitters, sugar cube, club soda, guarana.

Harvey Wallbanger Extreme Vodka, vanilla Galliano, orange juice, ephedra.

Absinthe Mirror Experience how others view you, the absinthe drinker. 2 parts absinthe, 1 part vinegar, 5 parts water. Served in a hot water bottle.

Advertisement: Advertise in This Menu/Advertisements in This Menu

And now, a personal memo from Mr. Henry Sommers, Senior Middle Manager for this family restaurant franchise:

Hey. In the restaurant industry, we can gauge you, our guest, from the way you read the menu. You eye the appetizers, scan salads and sandwiches, cruise the burgers and Early Bird Specials, until you reach the entrees. You'll decide. If you can't perform that duty as a consumer, you just read the rest of the menu, imagining what brunch might be like in three and a half days. And in this state, you're more susceptible to advertisement. It reminds you to make a choice. It's the commercial break that startles you to close the menu. It reminds you you're alive. So advertise today.

Here's what an advertiser had to say:

"You haven't decided on a meal, and before you even have a chance, they're bombarding you with ads? What nerve. Most people get insulted. But the few that don't, those stupid idiots will buy anything. And menu advertising attracts those dumb idiots." - Robby "Mr. Cherubic" Ratzinski, owner of Angelic Dry Cleaners.

Intrusion marketing has been gradually accepted in today's society. Tests shows a decrease of urine on bathroom advertisements. Call TONY FROM MARKETING now on your cell at your table. That's no longer considered rude, either.

Support our advertisers!

Angelic Dry Cleaners. Since 1953. A Neighborhood Treasure. "We respect you at Angelic Dry Cleaners!" Mr. Cherubic, owner.

Trip Ace Flowers. Apologize with flowers. Table delivery available.

Make it dinner and a movie at City Outskirts Cinema 22. Complement your meal with stadium seats, digital screens, and private, well-stocked toilets.

Can't find your car keys? Check our Lost and Found box, conveniently located next to your Hostess.

Local listings for Urologists: Call 1-800-URINE-DOCTOR.

Love Spam Email? Enroll in Spam Academy today.

Don't get suckered by MONEY PYRAMID PIRATES! Learn more today!

Visit 24 hr pharmacy in our lobby (subject to change). We remedy any ailment: Cure stomach cramps with Alka-Seltzer® effervescent tablets. Fight flatulence with Beano® tablets. Vomiting from food poison? Try a double shot of Pepto-Bismol® and Certs Cool Mint Drops™.

PHARMACY DOOR TO REMAIN OPEN DURING BUSINESS HOURS. INFORMATION GLADLY GIVEN BUT SAFETY REQUIRES AVOIDING UNNECESSARY CONVERSATION. WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE. This pharmacy ak-"know"-ledges diversity and encourages it by stating: "Know" dogs. "Know" Irish.

To-Go Menu

Order your meal here, close the deal at home. Please don't wait for your order at our tables. Tables are for closers.

Morning Meeting Munchbox. One state-of-the-art insular paper portable canteen of inferior coffee. One dozen of our Business Breakfast Bagels. Guaranteed to have one good bagel and eleven inedible ones. First come, first served: fresh lobster bagel, plain (thawed), plain (stale), mincemeat, sticky onion, rock salt, one everything bagel featuring poppies, and 6 pumpernickels. Cream Cheese Straw Pack: 2 plain cream cheese straws, 2 chives, 2 strawberry cream, 1 chococheese, 2 salmon, 1 vanilla frosting. Morning Meeting Muffins: blueberry, cranberry, bran, corn. WARNING: Muffins turn poisonous when left in an office kitchen.

High Quantity Low Price Sandwiches Tray 12 Meter-Long Sub sandwiches for just $8.99. Feed your family or eat them all yourself. We won't judge.

New! Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza 5 Pie Pizza Pie 5 large combos come out of the oven and get stacked into a deep-dish pizza box. Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza 5 Pie Pizza Pie contains one Meat Tapper's pizza, one Veggie Shagger's pizza, one Hawaiian Lover's pizza, one Sex Liker's pizza, and one pepperoni.

Bucket of Pork Chops. Make your party a pork chop party. Sample a dozen of our brand-name pork chops: 2 OriginalChops, 2 CrispyChops, 1 DoubleChop, 1 Bacon DoubleChop, 2 Apple Sauce Stuff'dChops, 2 BeefChops, 1 MysteryChop, and 6 piece ChopNuggets.

Miley Cyrus Birthday Cake. Luscious velvet chocolate cake frosted with the inscription: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MILEY CYRUS!

To-Go Beverages. Coffee. Small $1.25. Large $1.45. Choice of Greek columns or stud poker paper cup. Tea. Small $1.25. Large $1.45. Served in a Styrofoam cup. Choice of blue teabag label, orange label, or fancy label.

To Marketing From Legal Don't forget to mention Meter-Long Sub sandwiches are made from rat meat.

From Marketing To Legal Too late.

From Legal To Marketing Did you by chance go forward in time and include this email thread in the menu again?

From Marketing To Legal Yes.

Off The Menu Meals

Menus are for losers. Winners order off the menu. We'll accommodate any request, no matter how dbaggish or non-existent. Available Breakfast, Lunch, or Drinner.

Breakfast. You're assured a unique and off-menu personal 'egg-fast' by using our incomplete template. To order, loudly complete description to server.

(Number of Eggs) (Part of Egg)-(Exclusive/Excluded) (Breakfast Meal Made From Eggs, Not Necessarily Omelet) (Served in a Particular Style) with (Type of Vegetable), (Type of Meat), (Type of Cheese), (Some Crazy Food), (With/Without) (Ingredient) (Served on the Side/To-Go).

Example: 3 Egg White-Excluded Spanish Torta, Al Dente, with Green Bell Peppers, Aardvark Thigh Meat, White Cheddar Cheese, and That Leg Lamp from 'A Christmas Story,' with Onions on the Side.

Drinner. Drinner doesn't exist.

Lunch. The Spirit of Logic put down his breakfast menu. "How can off-menu items be available on the menu?" Logic asked. "It doesn't make sense, me-wise. Very il-me-al. Let's hope the lunch selection doesn't offer any more delightful paradoxes and irresistible irregularities..."

New! BLT/F. This American classic harmonizes lettuce, tomato, and bacon on your choice of bread. However, when you listen to them individually, you'll hear a different tune: two ingredients are either telling the truth or lying, and one cannot exist. "The lettuce never tells a lie," says the bacon. "The bacon never tells a lie," says the lettuce. The tomato says, "I am always lying."

WHAT INGREDIENT ON THE BLT DOESN'T EXIST?

New! Poo Poo Platter Puzzle.

Andy, Bob, Carl, Donald, and E from Entourage enter the bar of a family restaurant. Thirsty, in no order, they drink a Foster's, a Guinness, a Heiney, one Iced Water, and a Joseph Schlitz beer. Individually (but not necessarily sequentially), for appetizers, they eat a side of Veal Dogs, a side of Wings, one Xtreme Wings, Yogurt Dunkers, and Zucchini Poppers. For main entree, the patrons - whose last names are, in no order, Lastname, Mainentree, Noorder, Order, and Patron - had 1 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 2 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 3 piece smothered pork chop dinner, 4 piece smothered pork chop dinner, and 5 piece smothered pork chop dinner.

Solutions to off-the-menu lunch menu:

BLT/F: If the tomato is telling the truth, tomato must be lying, but if tomato's lying, tomato can't be telling the truth, ergo tomato doesn't exist.

Poo Poo Platter Puzzle solution: No problem was presented.

Last Meals Choice of prix fixe menu or all-you-can-eat-buffet. Reservations through Governor's office only. Not available in every state. Alcohol no longer served with meal, thanks to one troublemaker. No substitutions. Spoons only. No shirt, no shoes, no pardons.

Prix Fixe Menu. First Course: Appetizer. Finger Food Five Point to anything on the menu and we'll serve it as an appetizer (Limit 5 points).

Second Course: Chili. 1001 Meats You Must Eat before You Die Chili Not affiliated with the book, 1001 Meats You Must Eat Before You Die. Chili served cold to prevent guard scalding.

Third Course: Entrees. Surf N Turf N Surf N Turf Two Maine lobsters and two New York ribeyes served with two baked potatoes and choice of 4 vegetables.

Vegetarian Option: Surf N Surf Two Maine lobsters served with two baked potatoes and choice of 5 vegetables.

Everything Burger Two all-beef patties, special sauce, caviar, bacon, Dorito's, candy corn, Surf N Turf N Surf N Turf platter, mushrooms, Lord of the Rings box set, gravy, onion rings, stuffed inside an Everything Burger.

Fourth Course: Dessert. A Plate of Brownies It's a plate of brownies.

File-less Birthday Cake Our cakes taste just like the ones delivered from the Outside, except ours don't have a metal file inside. We replace it with your choice of filling: none, vanilla, or metal file flavor.

Fifth Course: Cigar. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigars Are Not A Safe Alternative To Cigarettes. Tobacco Smoke Increases The Risk Of Disease, Even In Nonsmokers.

All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Please follow Salad Bar and Sundae Bar rules. Before you meet your maker, meet our buffet table. Gorge on low-quality produce, seafood, or common vegetables. Not guaranteed fresh. May cause sickness and ironic death.

Blue Veined Jumbo Shrimp Room-Temperature Tuna Casserole* Tainted Meat Balls* Recalled Green Onions and Spinach Salad Old New England Clam Chowder Thawed Fish Sandwich Sliders Vanilla Fen-Phen Ice Cream Vintage Egg Nog* *Verboten for clientele destined to electric chair.

Menu Parody copyrighted 2012 Mike Spiegelman. mike@spiegelmania.com Originally versions first posted on LuggageTuesdays.com.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. Cover Illustration: Microsoft Clip Art. Donald The Breakfast Guy: http://luggagetuesdays.tumblr.com/post/50467002/parody-photo-montageoriginal-photo-from

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