The Seven Habits of Highly

Compatible Couples

by
Michael McKee

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 Dedication

This book is dedicated to

all girlfriends and wives past,
present and future without whom
none of this would have been necessary.

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All men are different, but in exactly the same way.
- Sintheya Segue (Exotic Dancer)

Women are the same in that they are all different.

- T'zu Li (Buddhist Monk)

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 Prologue
To Begin at the Beginning
My first real experience with a woman was in the 6th grade. I had a girlfriend named
Yvonne. She was my girlfriend because we had kissed several weeks earlier during a game
of spin the bottle in her parent’s garage. At some point Yvonne came down with a case of
the chicken pox and was out for a week or so. When she returned I was surprised to see
the small faded red marks on her face, remnants of the pox. Rather than being the
consoling boyfriend I should have been I, for whatever innocently playful reason, called
her “spot”. She proceeded to grab me by the hair and beat the crap out of me in front of
the entire class. Kinda poetic, isn't it? Although we broke up soon after I stopped bleeding,
I consider that to have been one of my more successful relationships. Successful in that
individual needs, interpersonal interaction, an honest exchange of feelings were clearly
communicated by the swift administration of constructive criticisms.

Considering the outcome of my first relationship, I have no doubt that you’re wondering
what would give me the right to write a book of this nature. What specialized training or
lucrative vocation gives me the right to convey to others what amounts to advice on
relationships? Is this not the domain of those functionaries who appear daily on network
television repairing the tattered and desiccated relationships featuring tube-topped, chain-
smoking Arkansas waitresses taking issue with their lovers and brother’s - sporting
nubbins, webbed toes, tongue studs and a surprisingly small number of teeth - because of
jealousies which have recently surfaced over a hunting dog? The answer is yes, or maybe
no...I'm sorry I forgot what I was saying.

Let me begin again. I can say that, at this point in time, I am currently in a compatible
relationship. In fact, it’s a very compatible relationship. And once she gets divorced from
her estranged husband, it will be a perfectly compatible relationship. Fortunately, I’m here
to discuss compatibility and not perfection. If it’s perfection you're searching for there are
plenty of books available on that particular subject such as; most religious books, anything
by a college professor, virtually all spiritual texts and sexual manuals.

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And while I’m on the subject, let me also state what this book is not. This is not a sex
manual. Now, having said that, some of the exercises described in here could be
considered foreplay. So for those of you who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing
you’ll like. Bottom line is that, you’re likely find little to drool over within this book, other
than some of my saucier stories which took place way back when I was young, foolish and
randy as a stoat!

I have, over the years, been in about a dozen real relationships. Here I’m defining a real
relationship as one in which her stuff is in your bathroom. In each of my previous
relationships, as well as my current one with a married woman, I have learned many
important lessons. A veritable bucket-load of wisdom it is which I’ve decided to share. It
is the compilation, correlation and distillation of these lessons which is contained within
the Seven Habits described herein.

As well as an overview of each of the habits I have also provided a number of exercises
which have been created in order to help in adopting these habits. That’s right, this book is
about adopting new habits. Replacing old habits with new habits. Is that going to be fun or
what? Actually, many of the exercises are simply things to think about and consider. No
real effort to be expended other than in contemplative reflection. An opportunity to see
things in a new way or to think about things differently as it were. Some of the habits,
however, will require quite the nasty expenditure of both time and energy.

What’s it all about, Alfie?

So, what is the goal of this book? I wrote this book initially as a 'Relationship Field Guide'
for Guys. Sort of an outdoor survival guide, but for relationships rather than the Brazilian
jungle (which is equally frightening, but far less dangerous). Within those original pages,
men could learn such useful skills such as; how to spot the elusive signs of a developing
relationship, how best to weasel out of going to a chick-flick, and how to survive when
lost in the Woman’s Wear section of Nordstrom’s. That guide was simply intended to
convey useful information so that men would not need to reinvent the wheel. This would
allow others to avoid pitfalls into which I have taken the proverbial tumble during past
relationships. Or at the very least, to give men an idea of what to expect. Standing on the
feet of Giants – isn’t that what they say?
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What this has evolved into over time, however, is a bucket-full of useful information as
well as a variety of exercises designed to demonstrate to both sexes, men mostly, how
people can learn to work together toward compatible relationships. So, what does it mean
to be in a compatible relationship? There are many, many definitions available so choose
your favorite. Here’s one of my favorites; A compatible relationship is one in which both
people are truly happy, have a great deal of respect for one another, enjoy and look
forward to the time they spend together, have interests in common, and good
communication with one another. Oh yes, and of course, a great sex life is imperative. Say
what you want, I got all the friends I need.

Who helped, and why.

Once I had completed the first draft of this book I showed it to my sweetie who was kind
enough to proof read it for me. Upon completion she promptly called me an idiot and
further stated that I knew absolutely nothing about women, nor men for that matter. Well,
you can imagine that I was fairly pissed at that point, having put so much time and effort
into this book. However taking my own advice, I smiled and simply said to her, “OK, then
you’re welcome to change what you think is incorrect.” And, God help me, over the next
two weeks she did. So, although she refuses to be added as a co-author (“I’m not getting
near that train wreck”, were, I believe, her exact words), I decided to dedicated this book
to her - more or less. I did make several minor updates after her rather extensive edit, but
most of what she had changed has been left untouched.

Each of the sections in this book contains one of the Seven Habits. Each of these habits
contains two different parts, one meant specifically for the male in the relationship, one for
the female. The text at the beginning is for both; for “all y’all” as my Dad would say. I’ll
not make any assumptions as to the make-up of your particular relationship, other than to
say that, typically, the yin & yang energies tend to somehow define themselves within each
partnership. So, given this I will refer to these energies as male and female (or men and
women) since I suspect those of you in relationships have already decided which energy
belongs to whom. If it’s still not clear let me put it this way: Basically, one person watches
Monday night football and drinks beer while the other does the dishes and then crochets.

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It’s up to you to decide who’s who. So, you are hereby warned to only read the gender-
specific section which belongs to you.

Now, if you do choose to read the text of an inappropriate gender, then don’t blame me if
you don’t like what you read - I told you not to do so in the first place. There’s a reason
for each section being very gender-specific. I know it’s not an easy concept to understand,
but information concerning the opposite sex is processed and understood differently by
men and women. But why should this information be any different? Pretty much
everything is processed and understood differently by men and women. And it’s because of
this fact that the gender-specific sections have been written with your mind in mind.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Let’s get right to it, shall we. From my perspective, typically, woman are a bit better at
relationships than men. Come on guys, we have to admit at some level that they often do
the lions share of work when it comes to the care and feeding of the relationship. This is
not meant to imply that women need not work on improving their relationship skills as
well, but simply that most of the exercises will necessarily be directed toward the men.
Within this book are a number of exercises which anyone can do if desired. They have
been designed to help in communication and understanding within the context of a
relationship. Some are just things to think about, no real homework you have to turn in.

But, of course, before we begin anything we must deal with the Disclaimer. Anytime you
do anything these days you need a Disclaimer. I wonder what the Disclaimers for those
stupid reality TV shows look like? You know, those shows where they dump a frightened
load of people, whose idea of the wilderness is a vacant lot, onto some God-forsaken
island to see what happens. If you ask me they should do it right and put eight random
people in a life raft in the middle of the ocean for a month. They would each have only a
quart of water, six small packets of catsup and a fork. Let’s just see what happens now!

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Disclaimer
The first thing I want to make clear is that there are many generalizations within the text
of this book. Of course, these generalizations may or may not be relevant to you and your
situation. Many men and women will exhibit few of the traits I discuss, while others may
demonstrate many of them. Just want y’all to know that I’m often just talking about the
average man or woman, not anyone in particular. You folks out there reading this are, no
doubt, way above average. Yeah, way above.

If you’re already in a relationship, and you’re a man, then you’ve likely already screwed-
up somewhere along the way. If, however, you have not screwed-up then a hearty
congratulations is in order. You, wise sir, may find some interesting tidbits within these
humble pages, but if you’re doing fine on your own you probably don’t need anyone else
telling you what you should or should not be doing. That’s your woman’s job. If, however,
you have already screwed-up then depending upon what it was you’ve done there might
be little hope of your regaining any love or respect she may have, at one time, had for you.
If, in fact, you have lost her respect then you best get-your-shit-n-get because it’s likely to
get much worse. If you’ve lost her love then you best get a fire extinguisher because your
stuff may be burning on the front lawn.

A quick note about the exercises: Many of them are just things to ponder and think about.
No actual effort is required on your part, unless you consider pondering to be an
expenditure of effort. A piece of advice before you give this stuff a try though; don’t
bother with any of this unless you’re truly in love with your partner. Some of these
exercises require significant investment of time and energy which could, in my opinion, be
better directed toward finding someone with whom you are in love. Might sound cruel,
but it’s much better for you as well as your partner to be up-front and honest about this. If
it’s not right, then don’t spend time trying to make it right; get up, get out and get on with
your life.

Also, if kids are in the equation then that throws a bit of a spanner into the works. Kids
require attention - lots of attention. A relationship between two or more committed adults
also requires a great deal of attention. In my opinion, you can realistically do only one or

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the other successfully. This is why, I believe, many problems tend to rise to the surface
once children enter into the relationship. If this is the case, then these exercises may be
even more important. Learning to relate to one another in a caring and supportive fashion
is imperative if you parents are going to get through those difficult child-rearing years with
your sanity and relationship in tact. Not to mention your responsibility to society for not
sending out into it yet another maniacal nutcase. Like we need more.

Anyway, bottom line is I make neither claims nor guarantees concerning the efficacy of the
exercises or the accuracy of the information contained herein. Also, any similarity between
any of the characters in the stories contained herein and real persons living or dead is
purely coincidental. That is unless I happen to use their real names and the story did, in
fact, happen to them. Then it’s not such a coincidence is it? So, you are hereby warned.

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 Beware
Here, there bee Dragones

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 The Habits
Once I had decided to write this book many years ago, I knew that I needed to get away
from all of the people I knew and all of the influences that influenced me. I needed to get
away from all of that so that I could clear my mind and focus upon the basis of this book:
Relationships. So, I went camping to clear my mind. I had no preconceived notions about
the contents of this book other than to relate what I had learned up to that point in my life:
Women are complicated, men are simple.

And so it came to me at some point during my mind-clearing activities that much of what
we do, particularly in relationships, is simply out of habit. What I mean is that we don’t
usually put a great deal of thought into our daily activities; making toast, doing the
laundry, picking the crap out of our toe nails. And so too with the things we do in our
relationships. I think that the manner in which we treat one another tend to become just
another one of our daily activities - just another set of habits we get into and with which
we become familiar.

OK, so what exactly are habits? Being that I’m not a lexicographer, we’ll need to consult
the professionals on this matter. My trusty dictionary says here that a habit is a “Settled or
regular tendency or practice that is hard to give-up.” Interesting, a practice that is hard to
give-up. Does it have to be hard to give up? What if it were something easy to give-up? Is
any habit easy to give-up? I can’t think of any, except for the habit I once had of calling
my wife by the name of an ex-girlfriend. That unfortunate habit was finally broken early
one evening along with two of my toes.

Maybe that should be the definition; a habit is something that's not easy to give-up. For
example, cigarettes. Are cigarettes a habit because they’re hard to give-up or because
they’re just so damn yummy? And what about unusual cases, such as people who eat dirt?
Yes indeed, a medically recognized condition causes some folks to just want to up and eat
soil. But apparently that’s not really considered a habit, more of a “unique personality
trait”, it says here in this personals ad. So, it’s not really clear, is it? What about eating in
general - a habit? I’d say so. Wouldn’t want to mess with that habit, would we?

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What about things that don’t really make a difference, like changing the hand you brush
your teeth with? That’s a hard habit to break - try it if you don’t think so. But is that really
a habit or a handedness trait? I think a habit can also be something that you do just
because there’s no reason or motivation to change. Like the way you dry yourself off with
a towel after a shower, or tie your shoe laces. You probably do it the same way each time
because there’s no reason to do it differently, but now that you’ve done it the same way
for so long these habits would be very difficult to change.

These are really the sorts of habits I guess I had in mind when writing this book. The sorts
of things that we do in relationships, not really conscientiously, just sort of out of habit.
The stuff that we do because we got into the habit of doing it without really knowing, or
usually caring why. I think that almost everyone has a tendency to fall into these types of
habits when it comes to relationships to some extent. Men, I think, seem more likely to
exhibit these tendencies than women.

So it stands to reason that some of the relationship-related habits we, both men and
women, fall into would be acceptable to your partner (putting the toilet seat down,
pronouncing her parents names correctly) while others would not (explaining to the in-
laws how their political views are a joke while clipping your toenails at the dinner table).
So, given the possibility that some (or all) of your habits might be unacceptable to your
partner, we may want to consider modifying one or more of our habits which we’d always
thought uniquely define us.

Now when anybody talks about changing people’s habits we Americans look for the easy
way toward enlightenment. Something along the lines of a patch or gum or maybe even a
suppository to cure what ails us would be more in keeping with what we had in mind.
Anything actually involving the expenditure of effort exceeding that of pressing of a
button or walking to the refrigerator would likely not be a big winner here in the US. So,
maybe we can make this easy. What about, rather than going to all of the trouble of
removing a habit, we simply replace it with a different one?

Why exactly would a person want to replace one habit, with another? Well, ask any
woman responsible for the care and feeding of a man and I have no doubt that she will

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have some very specific opinions concerning those habits she would like to have him
change or adopt. Now whether or not he decides to adopt said good habits are anyone’s
guess - my guess is he won’t. I’m not saying that a man can’t change, I’m just saying that
the odds are he probably won’t. It is said that change starts from within, but like a store
dedicated solely to moisturizers, creams, lotions, notions, potions and cosmetics, we men
don’t go there.

Now, let’s say for the sake of argument that a man has some interest in wanting to change
a habit. To exchange a bad habit with a good one. How would someone go about doing
this? That's where the exercises can be helpful. They can aid in understanding why we do
the things we do and how we can change them. So, of course, the question remains as to
just exactly why we do the things we do in the first place? I asked everyone and obviously
nobody knows so, as a result, my best guess about why we do the things that we do has
been boiled down into one of the following four reasons:

• It feels good
• It doesn’t hurt
• It pisses someone off
• I don’t know

So, there you are. All of the answers to any question you may have concerning human
habits and their nature. Well, OK, so I could have spent more time on the analysis part of
this effort, but I think that you get the idea by now. And so I present to you, the remainder
of this book and the Seven Habits contained herein. While that may seem unnecessarily
trite, it’s actually politely curt.

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 Habit #1
Try To Be As
Proactive As Possible

You are no doubt asking yourself: Why should I be proactive? What does proactive mean?
How can he read my thoughts? How do I make the voice in my head talk? All good
questions worthy of my admiration and attention. First of all, proactive simply means
“taking the initiative”. That is doing something which you know needs to be done, or you
should know needs to be done, without having to be told to do it. This can range from the
simple (taking out the trash when overflowing, washing the dishes when dirty, taking her
out to dinner when bloated) to the very complex (somehow sensing that she's going to
need a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food as well as someone to listen to her about the bitch
at work who’s trying to ruin her life, when she gets home).

So, getting back to being proactive. Women appear to be proactive by nature, they are
always thinking ahead. It doesn’t seem to matter if it's birthdays, anniversaries, or planning
the entire day around kids, meals and a crisis or two, women are always one step ahead.
This is in stark contrast to men who, left to their own devices, would live like a wild
animal with a credit card; ordering pizza when hungry and maybe remembering to wash on
occasion. This is not a pretty picture as a man buying a 6-pack of beer for the evening, is
about as proactive as most men get. So for this habit we have quite a few exercises for the
men and only three for the women.

* Men *
The following exercises are geared toward understanding of those things which you can
do so as to appear that you are being proactive. Notice I say “appear”. I don’t expect you
to get carried away with a great deal of effort here. Still, some of you men may be
wondering why being proactive is so important, I’ll tell you. It’s because women expect
you to be psychic. Did you know that? They believe that you have the ability to read their
minds. They won’t actually come out and say it and may not, in fact, realize it themselves;

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but on occasion there will be the unspoken expectation that you have psychic powers. She
also believes that not only do you possess these powers, but often utilize them poorly.

Guys, we must deal with this head on. We must stand firm and let them, our women,
know in no uncertain terms that we’re not simply going to allow ourselves to be treated
in this manner. And then we’ll say “yes dear” and do our best to become psychic. I can
hear the women who have just read this, even though I said they shouldn’t, saying, “I do
not expect guys to be psychic.” Well, ladies, I respectfully disagree. I think you do and so
decided to prove it. I took a poll and asked, “Do women, on occasion and without
actually meaning to, expect men to be psychic?” On this the women [my mom, my sister
and a cashier at the market] all said, “No, we don’t expect men to be psychic and what
the hell is wrong with you asking a question like that anyway? You should know better!”
While the men who were questioned [my dad and the mailman] said that they didn’t know
what psychic meant.

So, I feel it’s pretty cut-and-dried on this one. Women, without actually meaning to or
without even realizing it, do occasionally have this expectation. And we, as men, have
little choice but to cope with this affliction. Note that my sweetie crossed out the word
“affliction” and wrote an expletive next to it, but I added it back in with the hope that
she’ll not reread this section. God help me if she does.

I can hear the men now, “OK, smart ass, I love my woman. I want to be a proactive kind
of guy. So what do I do? Maybe there’s something about it on the Discovery channel? Is
there some kind of pill I can ask my doctor about? Should I try to throw a football
through a tire? I want to get back into the swing of things too!” No, it’s unfortunately not
that simple. This is going to take some effort as this is the most difficult of the Seven
Habits to master. This will take time, but the more you learn the easier this will become.

Learn about what, you ask? Well, specifically, about your woman and your life together (if
you have one). What? Is that all there is to it? Well, no. While that’s not quite all there is
to it, this is where we get the biggest bang-for-the-buck, so it’s here where we’ll
concentrate our efforts. There are, of course, additional subjects and activities which are
not covered within this Habit we could take on when it comes to being proactive, but
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that’s more of a long-term effort. I think that if you can become proficient in these
exercises, which stress activities in and around the house, you’ll have it made. I have also
done my best to be realistic about the effort you’re likely to put into these exercises.

Now it’s time to discuss those things you can focus upon in order to begin your new
proactive habits. First, we will have some exercises to help you keep an eye on things in
and around the house which you might not normally notice. Then we’ll have some
exercises to help you keep an eye on her, who you hopefully do notice. You will soon
notice that there are a great many things to notice.

Exercise 1.1 - The Trashes

This is not a difficult one unless we take into account any of those little
bathroom or bedroom trashes. The first problem with these little trashes are
the size, they are simply too small to deal with unless you happen to be that
small. The next problem with these doll-house sized trash cans is that simply
turning them over does not, usually, dislodge the trash within. Which brings
me to my tirade with respect to these things. You have to reach your hand in
there to get the trash and you don’t know, or want to know, what the hell is in
there and more importantly what’s making it stick to the bottom of the can.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out of my system. There are usually several
aspects to this trash issue. Typically, the woman tells the man when it’s time to
take the trash out of the house. The man, knowing exactly what to do here,
will take the trash out trailing coffee grounds and a brown liquid from the bag.
He will then place the leaking bag into a somewhat larger receptacle. The man
is solely responsible for these larger trash cans as well as the trash bag itself.
Realize that anything which should be in the garbage but is not, is also yours
with which to deal. This may sound simple, but the problem you will have is
deciding what should be thrown away and what should not. If you’re not sure,
ask her. Better to be annoying than to be thought of as someone who’s
deliberately trying to hurt her by throwing away something she really loved,
wanted, needed, treasured, etc. The man’s only other responsibility is to make

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sure that the large trash cans get out to the gutter and back on trash day
without serious incident.

As far as trying to be proactive concerning the trashes, my suggestion here

would be to simply take a look at the trash can in each room when in or
passing that room during your usual activities. Emptying the trashes on
occasion without having to be told to, however, may not get you the desired
response. Realize that her reaction could very well be, “What are you doing
you weasel. You’re wasting trash bags, that’s not full-up yet”. But if nothing
else, this new behavior of yours will keep her off-balance wondering what it is
you’re up to. If you wash out the trashcans as well it will cause your woman
to wonder who’s stolen your brain, but not enough to actually expend the
energy to find out.

Exercise 1.2 - Clothes (Part I)

Clothes are not quite as easy as they sound. At first blush, one might consider
the possibility that any article of clothing which is not in a drawer, hung on a
hanger or neatly folded on a dresser would be a good candidate for the Dirty
Clothes Hamper (we’ll get to this beastly thing in a minute). Well, this is not
the case. You, as a man, will have no idea if an article of clothing is clean or
not without first asking her. But let’s take this from the top. Don’t worry
about her stuff, you simply need to have a really good idea about your own
clothes. Make sure that she does not have to pick up [your clothes] after you.
Deal with this on your own by placing your clothes into a “Dirty Clothes
Hamper”.

The Dirty Clothes Hamper: This is usually a brightly colored wicker thing with
a cushioned lid of some type. Don’t ask, just dump your soiled clothes into it
as soon as you take them off - preferably in the garage so you don’t mess up
the rest of the house. Be careful though, there may be different hampers for
different colored clothes and white clothes and maybe even different material
types and number of buttons per acre for all I know. It’s just out-and-out
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segregation, if you ask me. I have always washed everything together without
regard for ethnicity, which is why I don’t do the laundry any longer.

While this may be fine for a man’s clothing, it is certainly not sufficient for a
woman’s wardrobe. As far as I know neither water, sweat nor any other liquid
should ever touch any article of a woman’s clothing - which often includes her
bathing suit. These articles of clothing are likely cleaned in the same way in
which shoes are made in a cobbler’s workshop when he’s taken ill just before
an evil banker is to foreclose on his family home: Elves do it.

Exercise 1.3 - Clothes (Part II)

Unlike clothing which is simply dirty, this category of clothing includes that
which is in need of repair. This would include, but would not be limited to,
clothes having any of the following; missing buttons, any tears or rips, any
visible stains, shrinkage or stretching, puckering (I don’t know what this is),
hems coming undone, unpleated pleats, missing sequins or rhinestones, etc. To
make this easy, we can just say that if you notice anything different about your
clothing, this might be cause for concern.

This exercise will actually be easier than the first part which, I know, gave
some of you nightmares. This will be a two-step process the result of which
should be your receiving a reward of some kind for your vigilance. So, the
first step involves simply identifying the problem. This should be fairly straight
forward as I’ve mentioned, since you simply need to notice anything different
about your clothes. While I say this should be straight forward, of course, for
a man it is not. He wouldn’t notice, for example, if his plaid pants were
properly matched with his Hawaiian shirt. This is one reason why women are
so very important. All you need to do is to have any woman (at work, the
market, wherever) look you over quickly. They are trained to spot anything
out of the ordinary.

The second, and thankfully last, step in this process is to point out the
problem or concern to your woman. This does not need to be detailed and

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simply calling her attention to the issue would be sufficient. In fact, if you
attempt to go further and try to identify the problem yourself, you might end
up incurring her wrath as you’ve likely wasted her time having to prove you
wrong again. So, don’t bother with the details, just hand her the garment. Oh,
good point. Make sure that you’re not wearing the piece of clothing in
question. She’ll just make you take it off, and then you will have wasted even
more of her time. Finally, you can walk away proudly knowing that you have
done more than she has ever expected of you.

Exercise 1.4 - The Dishes

Getting the dishes done is simple in theory, but difficult to master in practice.
The reason is not that dishes are a difficult concept (rinse and place into
dishwasher), they’re not. The problem is that when you, the man, take it upon
yourself to do the dishes several things are likely to result. The first being that
your woman will think that she’s died and gone to wherever it is that wives
who have done all they can for their ungrateful husbands, but are still under-
appreciated, go.

The second, and more important, is that she will probably intervene once she
realizes what it is you’re doing. Picking herself up off of the floor, she will
closely examine the dishes; those either done and drying in the rack, or all
ready to go in the dishwasher. You know what she’s looking for don’t you?
Any sign that you’ve screwed up by leaving something on the dishes which
she would not have. And regardless of your skills, she will likely find
something. Now is the true test of your manly manliness, stand there and take
it like a man . Don’t be a wimp and start whimpering. Steel yourself for what’s
to come knowing that there is little chance, unless you’ve scrubbed the pattern
off of the plates, that you’ll get a passing grade here. But know this,
regardless of what she says you’ll have the quiet satisfaction of knowing that
she’s damned impressed.

Exercise 1.5 - The Floors

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Here’s the deal with the floors; this is where everything eventually settles so
they get very dirty very quickly and they’re not easy to clean. This is why your
mom had such a fit when you walked on her freshly mopped floors you little
brat. Anyway, there are three primary phases to floor care; picking things up,
vacuuming things up, and wiping things up. Notice that everything having to
do with cleaning the floor involves the “up” direction. This is a good thing to
remember because simply by picking things up you are doing more than would
typically be expected of you to keep the house clean.

We’re going to make this easy for you as far as being proactive. If you do see
something on the floor which probably should not be there (such as; food,
clothing, anything on fire) just pick it up and put it on any table or counter, if
appropriate. Note: if something is on fire, picking it up and putting it onto a
table would probably not be appropriate. So, I guess the bottom line here is
unless it’s on fire, pick it up and place it on a flat surface. By flat surface I do
not mean back onto the floor, choose another flat surface.

Now that you’ve actually picked something up off of the floor and placed it
onto a table or counter, you must now tell your woman. This is a very
important step in the process and one which, if skipped, will result in your
being blamed for the new location of the object (or fire). So, make sure that
you tell her what you’ve done. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to show her
as well. Then just sit there and wait for praise, and maybe a biscuit.

Exercise 1.6 - Making the Bed

If the bed has not been made, and there is nobody in the bed, then make the
bed. This may seem relatively straightforward, but like everything else in a
relationship, it isn’t. Making the bed, in this instance, is simply a gesture of
how much you want to help rather than actually making the bed to her
satisfaction. And by satisfaction I mean specifications. Realize that she will
probably undo what you’ve done and remake the bed herself.

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Her resulting freshly-made bed may appear to differ little from your version,
but there will likely be one very important difference; the sheets. A man is
missing that part of the brain which helps to determine whether or not sheets
need to be changed. So men learn to use a calendar. “Let's see, it’s October.
Well, then it’s 'bout time to change the sheets”. A woman, on the other hand,
will typically change the sheets if anything other than perfectly clean flannel,
satin or silk has touched them.

Regardless of what you think, the bed, like pretty much everything else, is her
domain. She will fluff, fold and tuck her domain just exactly the way she
wants. And the fact that you, an uppity male, would take it upon yourself to
make the bed is, in her view, a cute if inept attempt to once again do
something too important to leave to a man. Good try though.

Exercise 1.7 - Light Bulbs

Again, this should not be difficult, but it is. Only because within the home the
wattage of each bulb is, for whatever reason, very important. Men do not
understand this concept, but there it is so we need to learn to live and deal
with it. The best thing to do when you observe a bulb has burned out is to
replace it with exactly the same bulb of exactly the same wattage as quickly as
possible. Tell no one. Should you somehow get away with this, consider
yourself fortunate and speak no more of this unfortunate incident.

Don’t make the same mistake my Dad once made. He replaced a burned-out
light bulb in my Mom's bathroom with one of a different wattage. This new
bulb was not well received as the output of the new bulb was not quite that of
the original bulb. The ensuing discussion somehow resulted in all of the bulbs
in the bathroom being replaced with 200W bulbs as well as the ceiling fan
being removed from the ceiling leaving only 3 bare wires and some tattered
insulation in its place. If you knew my parents you would understand how this
makes sense. After eight years my therapist finally does.

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Now that we’ve proactively dealt with some of the fun-filled activities around the house,
it’s time to get to the [sic] heart of the matter. That would, of course, be your woman. The
love of your life. The most important person in your world. If, in fact, she is not the most
important person in your life, then you’ve got problems far beyond my meager
capabilities. If, however, she is all that and more, then learning all you can about your
woman will go a long way toward your appearing to be truly proactive. Even to the point
of truly being psychic (“Oh Kenneth, you just know me so well”). Sexy, eh? So let’s give it
a go shall we?

Exercise 1.8 - Her Potions

This exercise is related to her mysterious female lotions, potions, oils and
creams. Most of the items will be located in the bathroom or the shower. I’m
not going to spend too much time on the details of these potions, lotions and
notions since I honestly couldn’t begin to identify most of them. But after
spending about an hour pouring over more than 30 different bottles of things I
never knew existed, I have a much better idea of what’s going on here (and
you didn’t think I did actual field work). Here’s what we have, although the
outer labels and suggested uses of these things may differ, virtually all of these
potions and lotions and whatnot consist of the same 12 ingredients. I think
that they simply use different proportions of these ingredients to make the
resulting liquid more soapy, cloudy, clear, lemony, coconutty, freshening,
refreshening, vitalizing or revitalizing.

Her mysterious potions and lotions may include; various face or body lotions,
face or body potions, skin creams, powdered shades, fluffing liners, silky oils,
fragrant soaps, feminine sprits and sprays, foundations encasing her in
concrete and steel, Egyptian over and under-liners, camouflage-colored
concealers, a large variety of pads whose distinctions you couldn’t begin to
understand, etc. You’re never going to learn all about these things, so don’t
even try. But this is not to say that you should admit defeat either.

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Here’s how I handle the problem. What I do is to make a list of all of her
things. Don’t laugh, it works. It works because a woman will rarely change
the brand or type of thing she uses. So, basically just write down the
information which is on the front label of the bottles, jars, boxes or whatever.
Don’t screw-up the details. One potion or pad may look similar to another,
but that is usually where the similarity ends. Imagine her having to use the
wrong face cream, or something with wings which should have been flightless.
I shudder to think of the resulting consequences. Anyway, I keep this list in
my glove compartment. It comes in very handy when she calls and wants me
to pick up her pore-enhancing soap, anti-glare forehead liner, cinnamon butt
paste or the sanitary napkin variety pack. So, if this happens to you, you’ll be
ready and she’ll be amazed.

Exercise 1.9 - Her Cycles (don't cringe)

You, yes you the man, can actually participate in her menstrual cycles. How
great is that? Not very? Well, what I mean is that you can make yourself
useful during those days when you are typically not. What can you do, you
ask other than staying out of her way? What you can do is to make sure you
know what sorts of things she uses during these times so that you, yes you
again dorkhead, can purchase these things while standing uncomfortably in
line with all of the other men staring at the floor, purchasing similar things for
their women.

Now as important as these pads and plugs and such may be, chocolate is even
more important. Preferably dark chocolate. You might want to stock up on a
few pounds every so often. This is very important, don’t take it lightly.
Women don’t just like chocolate during these times, they need chocolate. I
remember the story of my neighbor whose wife locked herself in the bathroom
with his Playboy collection and a pair of scissors and didn’t stop until dark
chocolate was slipped under the door. This will put the fear of God into you,
eh? So, once again don’t forget the chocolate, or to paraphrase a popular 70’s

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saying; “Chocolate will get a woman through times of no men, better than
men will get a woman through times of no chocolate.”

Exercise 1.10 - Her Moods

You may have thought that we covered this topic in our last exercise, or the
one before that, or the one before that, but no. Every man on Earth who has
had any interaction at all with females knows about mood swings. To be fair,
this is something which affects all women differently. Some women have little
in the way of mood swings during any given period of time, while others may
be Cinderella one day and a wicked stepsister the next. The mean one. Some
of this may be based on hormonal fluctuations, however most of what we men
term “mood swings” is likely attributable directly to you, the man. You have
no doubt, once again gone and done something to piss her off.

Whether sweet, cute, loving, happy, irritated, irked, petulant, snappy, sullen,
winsome, grumpy, carefree, glum, crabby, joyful, miffed, peevish, surly, sappy,
saucy, sulky, slinky, sloppy, sleepy, sour or deadly, you should always
remember to try to empathize and have compassion for her. Do your best to
understand that life is tough for everyone and you make it even more so for
her. She’s doing the best she can, but sometimes it’s all just too much. But you
can help. Just exactly how depends upon her mood and about a million other
things on which super computers around the globe continue to work
feverishly.

If in fact her mood happens to be on the negative side, you’ll want to either
do something to turn that frown upside down (do not say this to her), or get
the hell out of the way. If you decide to attempt to do something, there’s not
much in the way of a generic panacea for whatever it is the problem may be.
This being said you can usually not go wrong with dark chocolate and a good
foot massage. If you are really adept at the art of foot massages then she just
might fall asleep. This will afford you the opportunity to have yourself a few
beers to get ready for when she wakes up.
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 * Women *
And now for the women. What can I say that you don’t already know about being
proactive? Nothing. Not a thing. Nada, the empty set, bupkis. Well, now if you’re going to
give me that look then I’ll mention that there are a few things that you may not be aware
of, which I’d like to relate. Let us begin with some of the more basic concepts in the
understanding of the male gender and then we’ll work our way into the...oh, who are we
kidding. When it comes to men, there are only basics.

Exercise 1.11 - The Basics

When seriously in doubt, show up in a string bikini with a 6-pack under each
arm. This will be about as proactive as you will need to get for most men.
Once he gets his “medicine” and a really good meal afterwards he’ll want to
just sleep for awhile. If a football game is on when he wakes up, that should
just about do it for his basic needs. If you want to get any more complicated
than this, you certainly can knock yourself out. But remember that there is
every chance in the world that he won’t appreciate it. It’s not that he’s being
cruel or uncaring, that’s just the nature of the beast. You may as well expect a
bee not to sting, a snake not to bite.

Exercise 1.12 - Extracurricular Activities

On occasion, you will want to get him out of the house when he would
otherwise just be hanging around getting in your way. Make this about twice
each week or more if desired. Maybe poker with the guys on Friday nights
and golf Sunday afternoons. This will allow you to rest, relax and get some
things done without having him underfoot. Crank-up Aretha, get out all of
those files you’ve wanted to go over for months now, get yourself a wine
cooler and have yourself a good old time without him around.

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Now, of course, you are more than welcome to go out with any of your
girlfriends at anytime. That is provided that you let him know where you’re
going. That’s all you need to do, if only because it’s the right thing to do. If
you’ve had enough of him for awhile and can’t get him out of the house, then
head on out yourself. There's no law that says you need to stay home with him
if he doesn’t want to go out. Realize though, that if you do go out without
him, he will probably resent you for doing so. Attempting to get him to
explain to you why he’s mad and hasn’t talked to you in three days will likely
be difficult and will only result in a rambling proclamation of how you done
him wrong. You’ll shake your head wondering how the same man who will
think nothing of riding a crazed 2000 pound bull, can be so fragile. A mystery
surrounded by an enigma, wrapped in a paradox it is.

Aside from those times when you send him away because if you hear him talk
to the TV one more time your going to stab him in the eye with a crochet
hook, make sure he knows you want him at home with you. That is when he’s
not working his ass off to buy you houses, yachts, diamonds and emeralds.
Sorry, got carried away there. Anyway, make sure you talk about this because
some concepts are difficult for men. If you really intend to get your point
across to him, then you’re going to want to make sure that the television set is
off. If you don’t understand why this is, then the next exercise was designed
just for you.

Exercise 1.13 - The Television

The television is another one of those things which means something
completely different to men and women. For example, women see TV as an
entertainment portal and information resource. An experience to be shared in
those quiet evening moments with a loved one. Men see the TV as a
combination personal refuge and Fantasy Island. It’s his world where all of his
dreams involving sports, power, women, beer and large powerful trucks can
be lived out vicariously through the actual participants on the screen. This is
something which is particular to men because they are so visually oriented.
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Women do not succumb to the tube to nearly the same extent. They simply see
a picture on a screen, and continue to wonder if their mother wasn’t actually
right about you.

Knowing how important TV is to a man, you, his woman, might want to learn
more about his favorite baseball and football teams. Forget basketball unless
you live in Dallas in which case you ain’t got nothin' else. However, if he has a
favorite curling, hurling or caber tossing team then don’t bother. If this is the
case, then he’s probably European and, if that’s the case, you’re definitely on
your own here. Talk about your never-ending projects. However, if he is just a
standard, regular kind of guy then surprising him by wearing only a team
jersey, helmet, mouthpiece, cap or cup may just get him in the mood for a real
sporting event. Don’t make it a long game though as he’ll tire easily.

If you attempt to talk to a man during a sporting event you may as well be
talking to your oven for all the good it will do. To get anything into his head
which has any hope of staying there without flying right out the other side will
require that you turn off the TV. But be careful here, you can’t just pick-up
the remote, push a button and expect that a serviceable conversation will
ensue. It likely won’t. Attempting to turn off the TV during a sporting event
may result in unpredictable consequences. In fact, depending upon the timing
of this action, it may be a story your 60 cats will enjoy again and again in
some 20 years or so. You’re much better off waiting until the game is over as
you are likely to have a larger portion of his quality attention at that time.
Trying to squeeze in a conversation during commercials certainly offers
unique opportunities for the rapid exchange of ideas, thoughts, barbs, hopes,
jabs, accusations and insults. However depending upon the subject matter it
may required more of his attention than several sequential 60-second
commercials might afford.

Once he has been disengaged from the TV and you are in the process of
actually talking to him, make sure that he’s really looking at you, or in some
other fashion acknowledges your presence. Just because the TV is not

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necessarily on, you cannot assume that he is paying attention to you when you
are talking to him. Men often have TV shows, short films or bits of songs
going through their heads. It is quite possible that while you're engaged in a
deep discussion concerning your most private fears, hopes, needs and feelings,
he may well be thinking about the episode of Green Acres where Mr. Douglas
hired Mr. Haney to paint his house and Mr. Douglas had to buy a “Pore Key”
from Mr. Haney who then couldn’t find the “Pore Key Hole”. This is why men
will occasionally appear to laugh quietly to themselves for no apparent reason.

One good way to keep him engaged in the conversation is to ask relatively
simple questions. Forming these questions so that his responses are kept to a
minimum might help facilitate the conversation as well. You want to make
sure that he not feel pressured to form complete sentences or to expend a
great deal of effort in actual conversation. This, sadly, is your best bet.

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 Habit #2
Begin With Something
In Mind
The old saying, as I remember it, is “Begin with the end in mind.” Sort of like “keep your
eye on the ball”. Actually, that’s not it at all, is it? Let me begin again. What this habit is all
about is having something in mind when you begin a task, a thought, a journey. A plan as it
were. This is vital because from a woman’s perspective, men often get going on things
without much of a plan, let alone a destination, in mind. We men want to divest our
women of that woefully uninformed opinion. We want to be able to demonstrate that we
can create and follow a plan to completion, but really just having something in mind would
be a really swell place to start.

The exercises associated with this habit will have some interesting aspects for men and
women alike. In order to illustrate some of the more subtle aspects of this habit I will
relate a story which took place many years ago. I’ll give you the moral of the story first:
He did not begin with much of anything in mind.

This is the sad but true story of Tom, a present day stay-at-home Dad.
He was once a factory worker who was now on the type of disability
which seemed to be in remission while on a golf course. He spent a good
deal of his time taking care of the kids, puttering around the house,
pretending to vacuum and, oh yes, surfing the Net for porn. And all this
while his none-the-wiser wife worked during the day, bagging groceries
for Safeway.

So as is typical with these sorts of things, all was well until one point
after which all was not. His loving wife, Carol, upon detail examination of
her Visa bill one day noticed several rather odd charges which she did
not recognize. After several increasingly irate phone calls she quickly
realized that her oh-so-wonderful husband was using her credit card to
access an interesting variety of pornographic websites. A frank and open
discussion ensued, as you just knew it would, after which Tom decided
that he needed to get back to work. Apparently the pain resulting from

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 his disability was preferable to that of his wife’s continued ire. The
removal of the household computer was another of the changes which
have taken place in that particular household, I am led to believe.

You see folks, this was an example of beginning something without having much of
anything in mind. Tom clearly did not consider the likely outcome of his actions. Now
what could he have done here rather than foolishly use his wife’s credit card which is so
easily traced? Tom could have had a plan. And it didn’t need to be at all complex in form
or function. He could have simply made his own money to use in any way he saw fit. Tom
could have utilized the vision of a developing entrepreneurial spirit He could have done
something along the lines of setting up his own web-site. A simple computer, a web-cam, a
mask of President Bush, a feather duster and some book: He’s all set.

Tom could have made plenty of money by charging people admission to access his web-
site. This low-key, non-assuming site might have featured Tom, naked, except for an
athletic supporter, the mask of Bush on his face and the feather duster stuck up his butt
prancing around his living room while reading books by Dr. Seuss. I easily can picture his
rendition of “Hop on Pop” becoming very popular with the Baby Boomer crowd. Using
the resulting income to access his favorite pornographic web-sites Tom would have little
fear of being discovered. Ah, but for the lack of such a vision, Tom might still be happily
puttering around the house and whatnot.

This is just one example of how embracing and practicing these Habits could have helped
Tom, and how they can help you too. Excited? I have no doubt. Can’t wait to get started?
I thought so. Ready for the exercises? All right already, shut up and let’s get going.

* Men *
Now it’s time for one of our more important exercises. It involves angering your woman
and my ardent suggestion that you try your best not to. Now a man, being something
other than the sharpest tool in the shed, is often quite likely to ignore my suggestions and
go right ahead and piss his woman off. He will soon discover the truth behind the old
adage: “If she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. You want to be happy, don’t you? And

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you want her to be happy don’t you? And you want to go on living your relatively happy
life together, don’t you? Ok, so don’t piss her off!

The question, realizing that it has been asked in many forms throughout the ages, is how
does one go about accomplishing this at times seemingly insurmountable task? Well, I
have spent years tracking down the greatest historical texts on the subject. I have sat at
the edge of mist-shrouded Himalayan cliffs and pondered the question. I have walked the
shorelines of the oceans of the world lost in thought. Sometimes just lost. Finally, in the
most desolate part of the vast Ethiopian desert, within sight of King Solomon’s lost mines,
it came to me. There before me shown two distinct paths. Yes, nature has revealed to me
the paradox: These are two different paths which we men must travel at the same time.
What? How can a person travel on two paths at the same time? That my little Locust, is
the imponderable answer. Perhaps it was the imponderable question which was not clear.
Regardless, here now the two paths shall be revealed:

• Don’t do anything to piss her off.

• Don’t say anything to piss her off.

Exercise 2.1 – Don’t piss her off

Don’t do or say anything to piss her off. These should be your primary goals
with respect to your woman. So, how to go about accomplishing these goals?
Well, it really helps not to say anything stupid. Now, I am well aware that this
is likely not possible for most men. Guys, for the most part, can’t help saying
something stupid once in awhile (this is likely a daily occurrence). The reason
is this: During any given discussion a woman will have, oh say, 10 or more
relatively completed thoughts swirling around in her head just waiting to come
out as fast as she can talk. While a man during this same discussion will
typically have no idea how the sentence he’s just started will end. As a result,
things just sometimes come out of a guys mouth without having gone through
the “should I really be saying this” filter.

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What I’m getting at is that it is important to get into the habit of thinking
through what you’re going to say before you say it. Men are not usually good
at this, because if they do attempt this they will forget what they were going
to say in the first place. It’s easier for a guy to actually say something first and
then listen afterwards to see if it sounds good. So, this exercise is concerned
with the process of thinking about what you’re going to say before you say it.
Now understand that this exercise won’t be of much benefit unless you listen
to that voice in your head to see if it’s actually saying something you’re really
going to want to say.

The result of practicing the art of thinking about what you’re about to say first
will be two-fold. You will find that you are talking less often and thus less
likely to say something stupid, and you will be surprised at how much less
often you piss your woman off. Why is your woman pissed off less often? It’s
because things that you once thought were a good idea to say to her, you have
recently discovered, probably were not. Case in point: My friend Frank came
into work one day looking rather poorly. I said to Frank, “What’s wrong
punkin?”. He looked at me with bloodshot, sleepless eyes and related the
following story (pay attention here):

Frank and his wife, Rhonda, were getting ready for dinner with
Frank’s parents last night. Rhonda was upstairs getting ready and
Frank was downstairs wrapping a present for his mom as it was
her birthday. They were going to meet his parents at a restaurant
in the city. When Rhonda came downstairs Frank, wanting to do
nothing but compliment his beautiful wife said, “You look really
good with make-up”. No apology could persuade her to speak to
him the remainder of the evening, though she was civil to his
parents during dinner I was led to believe.

Frank then related to me through a shattered spirit, the pain of a back aching
from a night on the couch and tired bloodshot eyes, one of the single greatest
proverbs ever uttered:

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 “Anytime you say anything to a woman, it’s a crap shoot”

An incredible flash of insight into the female psyche, this was. From the depths
of his despair, Frank may have hit upon something interesting here. Sometimes
it may not be what you say, as much as when you say it. Now in Frank’s case
he could have uttered those unfortunate words to a woman in 1500 BC or 800
years from now and the reaction will likely be the same. However, some things
a man might say which might make a woman angry on one particular day, may
not receive the same reaction on another.

This brings up an interesting point. Sometimes men, having the awareness of a

bag of rocks, will not even know their women are mad at them. Of course it’s
easy to figure out she’s upset when dishes or crockery are whizzing past your
head, but on other occasions you may not have the luxury of these external
signs. Take, for example, the possibility that you have forgotten yet another
birthday, Valentines Day or anniversary. She’s waited the entire day for you to
surprise her with a gift demonstrating your love for her as well as your
capacity to remember important occasions. Instead, you inform her that you’re
on your way out to play poker with the guys and not to wait up for him.
Without looking up she will say, “fine”. You the man will think to yourself,
“Great, she doesn’t mind that I’m going out to play poker with the guys
tonight.” Wrong! Of course she does, you idiot. You need to understand that
often her saying something like “fine” implies that things are anything but.

Now getting back to Frank and his unfortunate compliment. What could he
have done here to make his life a bit less miserable? Right, he could have said
nothing, He would have, of course, still been in trouble but significantly less. If
Frank had, however, practiced the exercises he would have scrapped that
original compliment for something less specific like, “You look lovely” or
“You look beautiful”. Don’t go running off into the weeds when it comes to
compliments, you never know where you’ll end up. Since this is such an
important topic, I’ll give y’all another real-world example, this time from my
own brain-damaged experience:

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 It was the morning after the first night my girlfriend and I had
spent together. I was living in Redondo Beach, California and had
a small place by the ocean. My girlfriend, Cindy, and I were
having a romantic morning-after breakfast at one of the local
hang-outs. She was sitting next to the window with the rising sun
behind her. It was all very romantic and she looked very
attractive. So I lovingly, and with only the purest of intentions,
said to her, “I Love the way the morning sun sparkles through the
fine downy hairs on your upper lip.”

That was a memorable morning, yes indeed. Twenty years later and my foot
still aches when the weather changes. Now realize that even if I had run this
through my addled mind beforehand I would likely not have flagged it as
something which might have made her angry. The problem was that I had no
idea how women felt about facial hair, and in particular their own. So as long
as we’re on the subject of not pissing off your woman, let me state here and
now that if you were to completely ignore any hair on her face, you’ll be way
ahead of the game.

Exercise 2.2 - Compliments (basics)

Again, my advice would be to stick to tried and true compliments. Use only
those which have proven their virtue time and time again. Going out on your
own here risks being ignored for the evening at best and being written-up as a
Darwin Award with your head paraded around the internet on a virtual pole at
worst. So you say, what are the standard compliments which I can use with
relative safety? Glad you asked, here’s the complete list:

• You look beautiful.

• You look lovely.
• Your hair looks great (be careful with this one).
• I love those shoes (make sure she’s wearing shoes).

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So, that’s about it. These can be used interchangeably and at virtually anytime of the
day or night. I have heard that there may be one or two others which might actually
belong on the list, but I would approach them with the greatest caution. However,
for the sake of completeness I give you these other two as well:

• Have you lost weight?

• I've been thinking about you.

These compliments may sound good on the surface, but extreme caution should be
used. Consider the first: “Have you lost weight?”. Any man who does not see the
obvious problem with this one within one minute should be hit in the face with a
large frozen sea bass. Any implication that she may have, in any way, gained weight
should be seriously avoided. In fact, any talk about her weight at all should be
avoided as completely as any discussion concerning her facial hair.

The second compliment above, “I've been thinking about you”, will likely cause her
to wonder what you may have done to be thinking about her? Is he hoping that I
don’t find out about something or someone, she wonders? What’s he hiding, she
continues to ponder? You do not want this to happen. So please be careful if you do
choose to utilize these compliments. I’ve heard through the Poker-game grapevine
that there may also be unintended and delayed reactions with their use. I’ll let you
know if I hear more.

Another compliment which may seem innocuous is the all purpose: “Is that new?”
This will only work if whatever it is she is wearing is in fact new (note: if she's not
wearing any clothing this compliment may still be applicable in some instances). It is
far more likely that she’ll be wearing something she’s had for years that you simply
had never noticed. Remember the old saying; “Tis better to keep quiet and be
thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.” Again, this is a very
dangerous compliment, so use with caution.

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 Exercise 2.3 - Compliments (her hair)
Now as to the compliments concerning her hair. This is very important. Never,
never underestimate the importance of her hair. A good hair day for a woman
is as important to her as are her children. All of them. Although a woman may
be swayed in other areas by an obviously undeserved compliment, this is not
the case with her hair. If her hair does not look good do not say a thing. To be
safe, a simple compliment just before she goes out in public would be
appropriate. You’re pretty well assured that if she is about to go out into a
public setting, her hair will have been sufficiently dealt with so that this
compliment should be warranted. But still please be careful here, you’re
playing with fire.

Also, and this is very important, make sure that whenever she goes out to get
her hair done that you compliment her on it as soon as she gets back. Even if
she’s crying. Believe me, this happens more than you would think. I’m not
kidding here. Regardless of what she thinks about her hair at this point, you
MUST say that you think it looks wonderful. Repeat this no matter how hard
she cries. Never agree with her that it looks bad, you will regret it for a very
long time.

Exercise 2.4 - Compliments (her clothes)

You should be able to tell the difference between an everyday outfit and one
meant for a special occasion. This will be the difference between saying
something like, “You look nice darling” and something along the lines of “Oh
my God, you look incredible!”. Again make sure that you can tell the
difference between the two types of outfits. Don’t mistake one for the other.
Again, you’re much better off saying nothing than the wrong thing. Case in
point:

My sweetie had just come home from shopping. I was sitting in

the living room minding my own damn business munching down
guac and chips and watching the game. She entered the room

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 and immediately started in on conversation while digging into the
boxes she’d brought home, effectively drowning out the game.
She was so excited, she couldn’t wait to show me what she’d
bought. And all I could do, what a lunkhead I was, was to sit
there without one fully-formed thought in my thick head watching
Dallas losing yet again to the 49’ers. So, she wriggles into this
thing which she’d spent no less than 2 hours trying on and
stressing over, smoothed it down the sides, stuck one leg out in a
fashion magazine pose and asked me what I thought.

I looked over at her and said, “It looks fine”. Turning my attention
once again to the game, I failed to notice her once joyful
expression degenerate into instant anger. Instant karma to be
accurate. Rookie move, dude. She, of course, thought that I hated
the dress. I, of course, did not hate the dress. I really didn’t care
one way or the other about the damn dress. But at that point
none of that really mattered. She was upset for about a week
before I finally figured out what I had done.

If this ever happens to you, please do not attempt to explain your way out of
it, just apologize. Even though this incident was technically not my fault (you
should now be laughing uproariously, of course it was my fault) apologize
immediately and sincerely. To conclude this story I, afterward, felt the need to
demonstrate in some fashion how much I really did love the dress. Well, that
didn’t work out as she had already taken the dress back, a dress that she loved
by the way, because I didn’t like it. She never let me forget that incident. Sure,
why should that be any different than any other incident she never let me
forget? Just be careful, that's all I’m saying.

Exercise 2.5 - Lying

Don’t lie; you will get caught. In the same vein, don’t accuse your woman of
lying. You won’t catch her in one. Even if she is lying, she’s so far ahead of
you in hiding that lie that you’d never find out. She’ll have girlfriends already

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 set-up to corroborate any story she’d need to crush your accusations, like
she’s crushed your spirits. So don’t even bother. This goes for affairs as well.
Don’t bother with accusations, she’ll nail your ass to the wall and hang a
picture of her parents on it.

Now, when you do lie and you do get caught, admit everything and apologize
immediately. What, you say? Admit everything and apologize? Are you crazy?
Hold on now. I am well aware that others in the industry state emphatically:

Never admit anything!

Make her prove everything!
Deny it even if she can prove it!

I’ve heard this time and time again. My friend Duane in Compton used to say,
“Don’t never cop to nothing. Even if she got pictures, even she got a witness,
even she catch you in bed with the bitch – don’t never cop to nothing!” Well, I
think I’d have to respectfully disagree there Duane. This may sound like a
dramatic departure from the accepted standard, but I believe that for the most
part a woman will forgive a man who is truly and sincerely repentant. She will,
however, not usually tolerate one series of lies followed directly by another.

Anyway, this is my best advice Habit-wise: Get into the habit of simply telling
the truth about everything. It’s so much easier than lying and you won’t need
to remember anything other than what actually happened. This is provided, of
course, that you can remember what had happened. Be aware however that
prior to getting into the habit of always telling the truth, you may have to get
into the habit of not doing things you’ll need to lie about. That is going to be
the hard part, isn’t it?

We’ve seen some of the habits which we men can adopt in order to keep from angering
our women. However, this is just elementary stuff. What we really want to do is much
more difficult. We want to remove obstacles which keep her from being happy, from

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talking freely and expressing herself. Such as being pissed at you. It’s alright if she’s
pissed at someone else. In fact that’s the best of all possible worlds as you’ll gain points
here simply by being sympathetic with her. These are important concepts as are those
detailed within our next exercise. You may be of the opinion that because she is talking
that you actually need to be listening. Well yes you do, but only to the extent required.

Exercise 2.6 - Keep her talking

She needs to talk until she is finished talking and your job is to listen and pay
attention to her. It is important to realize that she knows that she will have
only a certain amount of your attention. That’s fine as long as it’s in
proportion to the importance of the conversation. For a really important
conversation you will need to pay close attention, and probably participate as
well. But for the most part, for most conversations, you don’t really have to
say much. A relevant comment or question now and again is probably all you
will need to interject. You may, if you’d like, simply employ the following in a
loop while she’s talking:

Really, no way, un huh, yeah, I know, she did, that bitch,

Really, no way, un huh, yeah, I know, she did, that bitch,
Really, no way, un huh, yeah,...

This should work for most women for most conversations, which are not
relationship-related. That’s because your required participation is for the most
part limited. Just as is should be. Men talk when they have something to say,
which as we’ve seen should be sparingly. This is not the case with a woman.
Women will often be talking without realizing that they are doing so. Either
that or they just always have something to say.

While I’ve concentrated on the man’s part in all of this, what this conversation
does for the woman is very important. She will not feel close to you unless she
can tell you all of those things she wants to tell you, which is pretty much

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 whatever it is that comes into her head, for whatever reason, concerning any
subject, at any time.

* Women *
As for your part women, your primary goal is to keep your man well fed. A well-fed man
is a sleepy man, and a sleepy man is a good man. This is the best of all possible scenarios
as he is at home, quiet and is not making a mess in the house. Remembering an old 1950’s
advertisement imploring housewives to make sure that their husbands where made to feel
as comfortable as possible when they got home from work, to wait on them hand and foot
and not to bother them with unimportant details as his problems were much more
important than hers, makes me wonder if women really ever embraced this concept. I
would hope not, but I believe that many men actually feel this way. A man who believes
this tripe is someone up with which you should not put. Though they’d never admit it,
most men have a deep-rooted desire to be taken care of. Your job, should you choose to
accept it, is to make sure that he can take care of his own damn self, that he clean up any
mess he’s made and that he get his ass in gear and help out with housework.

The problem, of course, was his mother. She treated him like a minor deity, he could
probably do no wrong in her eyes. She likely did everything for him for the first, what, 20
or 30 years of his life. And now he expects similar treatment from you? Yeah, right. So,
clearly you’ve got a lot of work to do in order to erase any traces of his mother’s
influence. I’d suggest you get up and get after it because he ain’t getting better on his
own.

Something to Remember: If he gets pissed-off, for whatever petty reason, and won’t say
a word to you or even acknowledge your presence, then there’s not much you can do but
to wait it out. It may take a day or two before he comes around, sometimes even more.
Unfortunately, there's really not much you'll be able to do but to just go about your
business like it’s no big deal. Because really it isn’t. Women think it’s a serious problem
when a man clams up, but it’s just a man's way of coping with things which can not be
successfully dealt with using conversation. Note that food is often a good ice-breaker after
about a day, and sex after two.

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 Exercise 2.7 - Keep Him Fed
Women, as has been mentioned, your primary goal should be to keep your
man well fed. A well-fed man is a man that is easy with which to deal. While
the well-fed man thing is probably not the most important goal with respect to
your man, it is often the most useful and the easiest on your back. Fortunately,
men can be trained to eat and survive on virtually anything. There will be a
section later which will show what they have likely eaten as bachelors, it’s
horrifying. Once you see this list you will understand how easy it would be to
get them to eat things like tofu, bran flakes, vegetables, or fruit.

Let us take a real world example where you’ve slaved over a meal for him
which doesn’t turn out the way you have planned.

Several weeks after being married, my wife made her first

real dinner for us. It was turkey meatloaf with vegetables
and smashed potatoes. Really a nice feast. Halfway through
the meal, she asked what I thought of dinner since I’d been
too busy eating to say anything. I said without really
thinking, “It’s good, it’s not like my Mother used to make”.
She, of course, heard “Well, I’ll choke this crap down if I
have to, but I sure do long for the days of my mother’s
wonderful cooking”. Whereas what I was actually thinking
was, “Geez, this is really good. My mom’s cooking was
terrible. She would cook everything for 2 hours at 350
degrees”. I, of course, did not say this because I am an
idiot. My next memory was of a stinging sensation
somewhere near the back of my head where my wife had
just slapped me and a ringing in my ears that, when I
focused on it, sounded like her saying, “...and that's not all
I'm going to do differently than your mother”. To this day I
really wished I would have listened to the beginning of that
sentence.

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 Exercise 2.8 - His Ego
As necessary as the care and feeding of a man may be, the more important
goal might be the never-ending effort of keeping his frail ego intact. Though
this is a difficult undertaking, realize that damaging his ego can be disastrous
for a relationship. So, understanding the male ego is important. OK, how do
we tip-toe around that frail ego thing of his anyway? It’s a paradox of nature
is what it is. He’ll gladly kill a giant spider (although he’ll need a gun and a
shot of tequila to get the job done), but when it comes to anything which may
dent his fragile ego, he’s just a little kid lost in a big department store whose
mom left him and didn’t come back for a long time.

So, what we want to keep in mind here is the likely outcome of not keeping
his frail ego intact. That being an injured man who feels he’s been unjustly
offended or verbally abused and who is probably going to clam up and not say
anything to anyone until his master plan to bring the entire world under his
domination, at which point his enemies will be dealt with properly, has been
realized. Either that or he’ll eventually get hungry having found that bread,
mustard and pickles are satisfying only to a certain extent, and ask you to
make something for him to eat. He should be fine again after a good meal.

• Belittling him. Don’t belittle him in public, particularly in front of his

friends. Though his friends will love you for it, he will be pissed and
likely resent you for having done such a thing to him. So as tempting as
it may be, it’s just not worth whatever entertainment value may ensue.
Of course, in private, you're more than welcome to put him down in any
manner you see fit. But consider his possible defensive reaction to this
versus that resulting from a more loving form of constructive criticism.
Constructive criticism such as sleep training. A training tape in a small
tape recorded hidden under the bed can do wonders for all sorts of
things you’d like repaired.

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• Do you know the way to San Jose? When he’s driving, it is important
that he be allowed to navigate. Even if you get lost and it takes you
twice as long as it should to get anywhere. If you want to drive then, as
annoying as it may be, it’s a good idea to let him navigate. This is
because that is what men do, this is why we were born, To explore new
worlds, route the indigenous peoples, drive them from their lands and
exploit their vast resources. That’s what men do. They sail ships to the
farthest reaches of distant lands only to somehow find their way back
home again. It's a genetic thing, it’s nature and a calling which is simply
beyond our control.

The worse thing you can do to a man with respect to his navigational
skills, or the lack thereof, would be to skid to a stop by the side of the
road in frustration, grab the map from him and figure it out for yourself.
You will have at this point, accomplished two things: First, you will
finally figure out how to get to where it is your going and second, you
will have completely emasculated him. You will have, with this
thoughtless action of yours, caused a mutiny in a very real and practical
sense. His shipmates have essentially deemed him unworthy of the duties
entrusted to a navigator and so he has been unceremoniously replaced.
And by a woman no less. Realize that this is one of those man things that
will likely get worse before it gets better.

• The Manly Man. Ask him to open jars, even if you can do it yourself.
Asking him to perform those simple tasks which you could do just as
well or better yourself will allow him to demonstrate to you his
usefulness. Men love to feel needed and useful. If you can manage to
find something for him to do involving strength or bravery, so much the
better. Try to make sure, however, that whatever it is you have him do is
not critical to the smooth functioning of the household of any of its
members. Giving him a task or chore which will keep him busy for hours
and will not cause you to become upset should the outcome be less than
ideal, is a good habit to get into on weekends.

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 So toward this end, some things which you might have him do around
the house to make him feel more useful would be; turning the mattress,
moving furniture, removing bugs and spiders, lifting boxes up onto
shelves, getting boxes down off of shelves, cleaning out the fireplace,
building a fireplace, cleaning the Bar-B-Que grill and protecting your
honor. Note that as far as the Bar-B-Que is concerned, men will say that
the grill should never be cleaned. Although he’s right, make him do it
anyway. It’s good to keep in practice.

• Good boy. Keeping in mind that men love praise, even if undeserved,
it’s a good idea to praise him when he actually does something without
screwing up. Particularly if it’s something unexpected. Men live for this
and will occasionally do their level best not to screw-up. Also, if you can
make the praise (or better yet reward) commensurate with the thing he
actually did correctly, well you’ve got yourself a whale of a training
mechanism there. So, for example, the successful turning of the mattress
without breaking anything in the bedroom may result in a pat on the
head and a kiss, whereas the successful installation of a dishwasher
might result in his favorite meal followed by his favorite bedtime
activities. Yes, yes I know but come on, it is a dishwasher for God’s
sake!

Now if he has screwed-up something, praising him for it will only

confuse him. In this case you may feel the need to swat him with a
rolled-up newspaper or rub his nose in it but please refrain. He had
probably done his best and things just for whatever reason didn’t work
out. Regardless of how you’d like to handle these touchy situations, if
you want to have him continue doing things for you in the future it
might be best to occasionally keep your thoughts to yourself - regardless
of their relevance.

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 • Hey baby. Don’t tell him he’s good in bed if he’s not. He’ll never get
better this way. Don’t fake it either. Men would rather that you tell them
they’re inept than to deceive them. Although others will say differently,
men really do want to learn to please you. Too often, however, this is
more important to you than it is to him. We all know that he is likely to,
how shall we say, reach the promise land pretty much every time. To
you, however, it may be just a hazy memory in the distant past. Is this
the way you want to live your life? No, I didn’t think so.

If he’s not good in bed, then help him learn. In fact, learning together has
great benefits. Get yourselves a book, a video, a surrogate (well, maybe
that’s going a bit too far), anything which will help him learn more about
you. Help him learn what you like and what you want. Realize that he
probably has no idea about your needs. He barely has a clue about his
own. He’s yours, dammit, train him! If you don’t you’ll regret it for the
rest of your life. That’s not what you want is it? Again, I didn’t think so.

Exercise 2.9 - Understanding His Lies

Women need to understand something about men. A man can not typically get
through an entire day without lying to you at least once. They don’t mean to
and certainly have no intention of hurting you, but they can’t help themselves.
It’s like a religion for guys. No, more like an addiction. No, actually it’s more
like a disease. That’s it, it's like a disease and we have little if any control over
what we say sometimes because, well, because of this damned disease. You
have to forgive us because we need help. Medical help. Yeah, that’s it, we
need some medicine. No, I’m lying. We need neither help nor medicine. See
how easy it is?

It’s just that if we tell the truth all of the time then as a result there will be
questions, inquires, discussions. It all becomes very complicated and so to be
avoided. If, however, we make things simpler, then there is less to question.

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Take for example, the standard female question, “Where have you been for the
past 3 hours”? This question would likely elicit one of the following standard
male responses:

• I was at Jim’s.
• I was at Fred’s.
• I was at work.
• I was stuck in traffic.
• I thought I was having a heart attack and so went to the hospital, but
when I got there I felt better and so I guess it was just indigestion
and then I stopped and had a quick drink just to make sure I was OK
and then I came right home.

Guys are not born liars as many women would suspect. They learn to lie. They
learn that lying to women is often easier than answering questions. And y’all
do ask lots of questions. Take bachelor parties, for example. I have been to
only one in my life, and mine was not one of them. I couldn’t make my own
bachelor party – don’t ask. Anyway, the one I did attend was innocent enough
(I was led to believe) as far as bachelor parties go. There wasn’t anything
overly lewd or lascivious. Although there were these two girls that had
this...well, let's simply say that it was a tastefully done performance.

As innocent as this party was, when I arrived home, at a very reasonable hour
mind you, I was immediately and mercilessly bombarded with questions,
accusations, suggestions, and innuendo concerning my activities. Well, I
thought this was completely uncalled for and so I protested saying to her,
“What gives you the right to ask me how my evening was”? She feigned some
surprise at my clever retort to her, what turned out to be very innocent
question, laughed, shook her head and walked away. I showed her no mercy
and demonstrated just who the boss was by sleeping on the couch for a week.

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So, we’ve talked quite a bit about why men lie and some of the ways in which
they do so. It is my hope that women out there now understand that men use
lies in essentially the same way that women use chocolate: as a crutch. We
don’t really need it, we can get by without but our lives would really suck. I
have not, up to this point, touched upon a females capacity for generating lies
of their own since it doesn't happen too often. Women tend to be more
truthful than are men. I think this is because they have a better memory.
However, if a woman does lie it tends to be a biggie. Something along the
lines of; “Yeah sure, I’m 18” or the ever-popular, “The batteries are for the
remote, you idiot” is more in keeping with the sorts of lies which a woman
might conjure-up. Yes, what they lack in quantity they certainly more than
make up for in quality.

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 Habit #3
Do Something Else First
My grandmother once said, “Whatever you want to do, you always have to do something
else first”. Well, she was right. I wanted to get married but had to find a woman first. Age
old wisdom is amazingly wise. While grandma knew a good saying when she heard one,
she didn't go far enough. The more accurate version, I think, would be, “Do what needs to
be done in the proper order.” This, I think, gives one a better perspective on the situation.

Here’s the thing of it, in order to get from where we are to where we would like to be
(your goal) we need to figure out how to get there. The best way to do this is to find a
nice quiet place somewhere and start drinking until it comes to you. This might take 3 or 4
stiff drinks, so don’t give up. Once you do figure out what you need to do (get divorced,
married, pregnant, sober) and you’ve furthermore determined how to achieve that goal
(get a lawyer, a relationship, a donor, some coffee), all you have to do is to put your plan
into action. This means that you, yes you Mister, must now get up off of your butt and get
to work.

Man, Woman or somewhere in-between, bottom line is that you need to become an active
part of your relationship or the relationship ship is going to sail without you - nautically
speaking. You and your partner need to determine what you want your relationship to be
like and work to achieve it as best you can. This may take quite a bit of effort and
planning. That being said, I'm not one to get carried away here with the planning and all.
You can plan as much and as finely detailed as you’d like, but odds are whatever it is
you’ve planned either won’t work as planned or simply won’t work at all. That’s my
experience anyway. Maybe it’s just me. As a result, I’m not big on planning but
preparation is another matter.

I definitely support the concept of being fully prepared at all times. I was once a Boy
Scout don’t you know. Well, if you want to get technical about it, not actually a Boy
Scout but a Weblow. A Weblow (what an odd word) is the limbo state adolescent boys are
mired in until they can perform some secret ritual which proves them somehow worthy of
joining the Boy Scouts. I never quite made it - washed out - 4F. Not big on rituals, I

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guess. And let me tell you, being unceremoniously drummed out of the Weblow's doesn’t
look good on a resume. Where was I? Ah, planning; this Habit is all about planning which
I said I wasn’t big on, but we’re going to do it anyway as my sweetie has recently
explained to me that, yes, we do want to do this. So, there it is.

Welcome, weary traveler. If you have done some of the exercises so far you are now a
much more conscientious partner or are well on your way toward becoming one. Very
good, very good. Now you’ll need a way in which to achieve the goals you’ve set for
yourself. Did I mentioned that you should set some goals? Well, if I haven’t, you should -
set some goals that is. So, let’s say you’ve done this and that you have goals you’d like to
achieve. What we need is a process, a set of rules as it were, designed to take us from
where we are to where we want to be without pissing off our women. This is where
planning comes in which I said I didn’t want to do, but have recently seen the light.

If you remember the basics of the previous exercise, you’ll want to have a goal in mind
when you go off and start doing something. Now we can discuss the means by which we
might reach those goals: the Plan. Consider this Plan kind of like a roadmap you’d use to
get from where you are, which is probably either lost or in trouble, to where you want to
be, which is not. Think of it like a connect the dots game. Along the way will be things
you will need to do or say in order to get to the next point on the map. Let us not confuse
this connect-the-dots plan we have with other types of Gender-Specific maps. These other
maps are specific to each sex. Some example would be:

• Language map. Women have an innate ability to create language maps in their
minds when it’s related to discussions and / or debate. Don’t ever try to debate or
argue with a woman. In the first place you will likely not win, and in the second
even if you win, you lose. Women travel these maps effortlessly while arguing
which is why we men have trouble in arguments; we tend to take the scenic routes.

• Roadmap. Men seem to be better at roadmaps such as those you’d fold-up and
put away somewhere until you’re so lost that it wouldn’t help had you
remembered where it was when you needed it in the first place. That’s what men
are good at. That and forming needlessly convoluted sentences.

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 * Men *
Ah women, what would we do without them. Likely die off within a generation one would
imagine. So, thankfully they put up with us. Let’s face it, we’re not easy to live with. We
don’t usually think of anyone other than ourselves, we leave a mess wherever we’ve been
and often have little tolerance for others. This is a testament both to the lack of awareness
in most men as well as the saintly nature of most women. I think that only because of
these basic attributes of each sex has the human race managed to propagate itself.

It’s clear that we men should have the wherewithal to better ourselves in some small way
so that we’re not so very difficult to live with, and a little lesson in planning should be just
what the doctor ordered. The goal of these exercises is to focus how to get from where
you are, which is probably in trouble, to where you want to be, which is probably not in
trouble. When working through these exercises keep in mind that you’ll want to appear to
keep her and her needs first and foremost in your mind. In reciprocation, she will concern
herself more and more with your needs as well. This is known as a win / win strategy.

Exercise 3.1 - How to Plan

It has been said that failure to plan is a plan for failure. I'm guessing that this is
only true if you have a goal or destination in mind. If not, then any result is
probably just as good as any other. Like the sailors used to say, “If your not
picky about your harbor, Matey, then any wind is a good wind”. If, however,
any wind is not necessarily a good wind and you do have a goal in mind then
the question becomes just how to go about creating a viable plan to achieve
that goal. This is the question this exercise purports to address. Now, as to
whether or not it addresses it any sort of useable manner is anyone’s guess.

Let’s say for the sake of argument that you do manage to create some kind of
plan. At that point the issue of its actual execution becomes relevant. This is
usually where everything falls apart. When it comes to any plan involving
women, things just don’t seem to work out for us. It’s true, men over the

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millennia have struggled with these issues with little success. As evidence of
this I would point to the distinct lack of progress in this area. What this means
is that I searched the internet and found nothing relevant.

As a result of this lack of available information, I have recently decided to

apply advanced scientific principles to the problem of planning and execution
and have come up with what I think is the answer. Or at least an answer. I
have looked at thousands of potential situations and have found that they all
fall into one of several simple categories. Well, this was great. All I needed to
do was to come up with a simple plan for each category, and the rest as they
say, was history. In theory, then all you would need to do is to figure out
which category your particular situation falls into, and simply execute the plan
associated with that category. Could it be any easier? Well, I guess that
someone could do all of this for you while you sit on your butt watching TV.
But since that's not going to happen then, no, it couldn’t be any easier.

Category: You want to get out of the house.

OK, so maybe there’s a game that you want to watch with your
buddies, or maybe you just want to go out for a drink. Hoist a few
down to the local pub as it were. Well, that may work in boring
English sitcoms, but women these days are typically none too thrilled
with their men spending the evening, not to mention the household
funds, on beer at the local pub. However, we as guys need to get out
once in a while and have ourselves some real fun. And I’m not talking
about shopping here. We need to go to sports bars and cheer on our
team with others like us. We want to watch the game with the guys
and have a few drinks, or shoot some pool and have a few drinks, or
play some darts and have a few drinks. Regardless of the reason, the
need is the same; to get out of the house for a few hours on your own.

Plan: Make her think it's her idea.

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Realize that sometimes she wants you out of the house just as badly as
you want to get out. Hold on now, I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, “Shoot, all I need to do is to make such a pest of
myself that she won’t ever mind if I go out”. Yes, well chances are
you’ll be out on your butt for good if you try that - our goal is to
make sure that when you get back, you can get back in the house as
well. Now often this is not such a difficult task and saying something
to her like, “I'm going over to Kurt’s to watch the game.” is sufficient
provided that you also tell her what time to expect you back home. So
adding, “I’ll be back in before 4 my sweet darling. Is there anything I
can pick up at the market on my way back?”, will make this a no-
brainer. You have successfully provide her with all of the information
she’ll need to make plans for what she’ll do when you're out. Now
you’re wondering just what she’ll be up to when you’re gone, aren’t
you? Well, forget it – it’s none of your business.

However, if this is not the case and she’s actually not so keen on
you’re going out, then you’ll have to do something clever. So, here’s
what I would suggest. Pick yourself a friend from work (let’s call him
Tom) that she knows of but does not know that well. Have Tom call
you about an hour before you want to go out. Make sure she hears
your conversation. Say to Tom something like, “Nope, sorry buddy.
This is something you’re going to have to get through on your own.
Yeah. Bye.” She’ll inquire as to the content of the conversation. Let
her know that Tom is have marital problems and wanted you to come
over so he could talk about them. You might want to build this up
over several days or weeks if you really want to be proactive.
Mention that your not very comfortable with the concept.

Your wife will be so shocked that another man has come to you as a
confidant, as someone to whom he can turn to for marital advice, that
she’ll probably encourage you to help him. In doing this she is thinking
that this is an excellent opportunity for you to exercise that unused

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 comforting, emotional side of yours while also giving you an
opportunity to reflect on your own wonderful relationship. She’ll
practically be pushing your ass out of the house. Of course, for the
three hours that you’re watching the game with your buddy the bulk
of the conversation is along the lines of, “Dude, want another beer?”,
but she doesn’t need to know that. Also, do your level best not to
come home drunk. You’ll wind up doing something stupid like calling
her a dame and throwing up on her shoes. Take it from me, chicks hate
that.

Category: You want to buy something for yourself.

Let’s say your walking through Sears minding your own business and
there it is, the 2,500 piece Craftsman Professional tool kit complete
with metric and standard socket sets, color-coded spanners, Allen
wrenches, shivs, shims, taps and dies. All 100% guaranteed for life for
only $159.99, what a great deal. Now being that Christmas is 8
months off and your birthday was last month, there is little chance that
you'll be getting this magnificent tool set anytime soon. Or worse yet,
imagine you see that beautiful Ranger Bass Boat you’ve always
wanted heading down the freeway. It’s completely decked out and
some little runt of a pipsqueak with a tongue stud is towing it with a
green '74 Vega Station Wagon. What the hell is this world coming to?
Anyway, the clever implementation of the plan described below may
help you gain what should rightfully be yours in the first place. Damn,
a Vega!

Plan: Make her think it’s her idea.

Unless you can convince her that a big floods a-comin' you’re not
likely to get that Bass Boat anytime soon. Especially on your income.
Your best bet here is to inherit a boat from some relative who, unlike
you, had an investment strategy which included something other than

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 lottery tickets and selling cans of “Billy Beer” on eBay. The Craftsman
toolset, however, is much more likely. You see, what your going to
need to do here is to, in some way, demonstrate the utility of those
items you want to buy. You want to show how much better and easier
your lives would be with this thing. The tool set is relatively easy since
there are always things to be done or fixed around the house. She will
ask however, why you need so many tools and wouldn’t a screwdriver
and a wrench suffice. Simply begin by discussing the different types of
drills you will need for different types of materials until her eyes glaze
over. She will walk away toward the women’s clothes section leaving
you with a credit card and her with the beginnings of a headache.

If you cannot figure out a utilitarian use for whatever it is you want to
buy (like a pool table) simply figure out another way in which it can be
used to make your lives better and easier. Note that Americans define
better and easier as having to push fewer buttons (“...now with one-
touch cooking”). If it is a pool table you’re after then showing how it
could also be used as an extra dining table for those Thanksgiving
holidays when family invades, or as an extra bed for those guests who
want to stay the night and need a nice firm mattress, might just do the
trick. She’ll wonder why not just get another table or bed. You’ll have
to explain how difficult it would be to play pool on a table or bed.

Although you might think that something like a new set of metal
drivers would be out of the question unless you had the forethought to
first ply her with jewelry, this is not necessarily the case. She will see
something like a new set of drivers as a useful item. It is a device
which will aid in getting you out of the house occasionally. She sees
this as a good thing, because sometimes you just drive her nuts.

Category: You want something Special for your Birthday.

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 For about 2 or 3 weeks prior to your birthday, she’ll be attentive to
anything you might have your eye on, or something that you may
mention in passing. This is not the time to get carried away with
unreasonable or unrealistic requests (example, if she didn’t do it on
your wedding night she’s not going to do it now). Let’s take a realistic
example of something attainable. How about that Bass boat you’ve
always wanted? The hell, you say? How am I going to get a Bass boat
for my birthday? What you need is a way to get results. How, you ask,
again growing weary of this? Well, one way is to threaten her with
something like, “If you don't buy me a metal-flake red Range Bass
boat for my birthday, I'm going to sleep with your sister.” This will
definitely get you results. They are not likely, however, to include that
Bass boat you wanted. So if your goal is to acquire a Bass boat rather
than to have your ass thrown out of the house followed by all of your
shit, then read on, seeker of knowledge, read on.

Plan: Make her think it’s her idea.

What you want to do is to again be a bit proactive about this and do a

bit of planning. So, several months before your birthday start looking
into Bass boats. Leave some catalogues around, access appropriate
web-sites, go to a boat show or two. A week or so before your
birthday she’ll be attentive as to what it is you might want. When you
detect this, just say that basking in the glow of the hearts and hearths
and his family is all that any man would ever need. And furthermore
that your life would be so much more complete if you were able to
actually provide for your family by, oh I don’t know, catching,
cleaning and cooking fish for the family meal on occasion. But how to
go about doing that...yes, how would one actually go about catching a
fish? How indeed.

Now it the time to startle her out of her waffle-stompers. Get out the
calculator and start those fingers a-flyin'. Some graph paper might also

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 help as well. With some sleight-of-hand and the magic of mathematics,
you'll need to demonstrate to her how this Bass boat will pay for itself
in just 15 short years. Yes indeed, given an average of 15 fish caught
per day for 15 years compounded annually and adjusted for inflation,
this will save enough in food purchased at the store to pay for the Bass
boat. Make sure the graph paper is completely covered with lots of
numbers and percentage signs. Women hate percentage signs. Note,
the bigger her headache at this point the more likely it is you’ll get
your Bass boat.

Category: You don’t want to visit her Mother.

It’s Sunday and you’ve got both the National and American League
playoff games to look forward to - one in the morning and the other in
the afternoon. You have beer chillin' in the fridge, chips and salsa ready
as well. This is going to be great as you clear away everything on the
coffee table to make way for your upcoming feast. This is about the
time your woman will come in and ask just what the hell you think
you’re doing (she will neither wait nor be interested in an answer)
because you should be getting ready to go to her Mother’s in less than
an hour or did you forget? Remain calm. In the first place, no you did
not forget. Don’t hesitate, make sure you say this quickly as if it’s been
on your mind all along. In the second place, you’d better read the plan
on this one or your going to be spending the rest of the day looking at
50-year-old pictures of her long-departed family, drinking lukewarm
dead flower tea and choking down biscotti.

Plan: Make her think it's her idea.

Remember you’re a sensitive guy. You want to make sure that your
woman is getting everything she needs nutritionally, physically and
emotionally. And you want to make sure that she is aware that it was
just recently that you were listening to Dr. Phil discussing relationships

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 (her eyebrows should be way up on her forehead at this point) and that
several women had called in to say that the advice of their Mothers
was often a great help and benefit to them. And in particular, the time
that they can spend alone with their Mothers to talk and share feelings
seemed so very important to these women. You also want her to know
that her well-being is very important to you and if that means having to
forgo a visit to her Mothers now and again in order to allow them both
the time they need together, well then so be it. Let her know that you
are willing to make that sacrifice. This will go over well, if you have
actually listened to Dr. Phil and can quote him on occasion.

Exercise 3.2 - You, Before and After

This exercise is just something to think about and reflect upon. When a man
comes into a woman’s life it’s as if she’s just received a square 200 pound, 6-
foot tall block of granite on her door step. She sees this big lump of a thing
sitting there taking up space on her porch and in her life. Well, she can’t very
well deal with this thing as it is, so what does she do? She does what every
good woman does. She drags this thing in the house and cleans it up, wipes it
down, picks the crust out of its eyes and basically prepares this thing for the
onslaught to come. Next she gets out her hammer and chisel, metaphorically
speaking, or sometimes not, and starts chipping away at this poor slob of a
guy to see what’s really under there.

And that’s pretty much what actually happens. She’ll begin chipping away at
you with subtle nagging, thinly veiled suspicion, vague characterizations
concerning your family, doubts about your manhood until there’s nothing
more left to chip away. Then, when your standing there naked and defenseless,
she’ll decide whether or not she actually wants to keep you. She may not, so
be prepared to rebuild your soul quickly because there’s more date’s awaitin'
out there.

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There is a much more devious manner in which women will chip away at that
stubborn exterior of the male. It’s difficult to explain, but it involves the subtle
manipulation of the male into situations in which he will likely fail or, at the
very least, will become embarrassed. Or sometimes only for entertainment
purposes. Regardless, of the motivation the deviousness of these actions
cannot be overstated. Let me relate the following story which will illustrate
what I mean:

Many years ago my girlfriend, Carol, and I took a trip to Big

Bear for some R&R. As my car was in the shop we had taken
her car, a Honda Accord. Before we left I told her that I
wouldn’t be able to help her drive as it was not an automatic
and I had never learned to drive a stick. She had no
problem with driving the 3 hours there and back. Well,
wouldn’t you know that on the way back she decided that
she was just too tired to drive any further and so guess who
was elected to drive. Yes, that’s right; the only person in the
car who did not know how to drive a stick.

She said that it would be easy for me to drive a stick and

that once I got into 3rd or 4th gear I wouldn’t have to
bother with that shifting thing any longer. So, what the hell.
We had stopped at a deserted intersection somewhere near
Apply Valley where we swapped places in the car.
Immediately 4 other cars showed up at the intersection,
including an impatient little guy in a big truck behind me.
Carol said that since the car was still running I could just
put the car in gear and get going.

Well, I wasn't an idiot. I’d watched people drive manual

transmissions before. I had a good idea of the basics. So I
put the clutch in, shifted into gear, let out the clutch, moved
forward about 2 feet and promptly stalled the car. I was
slowly edging into the intersection trying to restart the car
when Carol began laughing. I popped the clutch once again
and started moving forward, but only a few inches at which
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 point the car again stalled. The other cars began honking as
I was now blocking the entire intersection. Carol was
laughing so hard that she couldn’t tell me that I was trying
to start out in 3rd gear. I was trying to get out of that
intersection for almost 5 minutes. Giving up I just got out,
walked to the side of the road and sat down. Carol regained
her composure, came to her senses and finally drove us
home. I didn’t talk to her the entire way back.

Exercise 3.3 - Apologies

I can hear you men now, “Why should I apologize to her? I didn’t do
nothing”. Oh you fool, have you learned nothing? OK, let’s go over this
slowly. Consider the all too common occurrence: She’s mad at you and you’re
not sure why. All that you know is that something is bothering her. Sound
familiar? So, what do you usually do. You end up apologizing to her without
knowing why you’re doing so. Men make this mistake only once (or twice if
you’re stupid). She will immediately ask why you’re apologizing. You will
have to admit to her that you don’t know why you’re apologizing which will
generate yet another round of apologies. A vicious circle, no?

Now, had you been born a woman you would know what’s bothering her. And
what’s bothering her is typically the fact that you, her man, her one and only
partner in life, the person who is closer to her than anyone in the world,
doesn’t know what's bothering her. That’s right, she often feels that you really
know nothing about her and furthermore have no interest in learning. Since
you are a man, you continue to have no idea why she should be upset because,
well, it still doesn’t make any sense does it? Be patient, little Locust, one day
you too may understand.

Whether or not you understand the preceding Zen Koan, you will need to deal
with this situation effectively. Of course, the best way to apologize to a
woman is to apologize for something you’ve actually done wrong. At least
here you know what you’re apologizing for, whereas in some situations you

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may not. Well, fear not gentlemen. I have here the cure for what ails ya. That’s
right guys, gather around and sample Dr. Patience’ Generic Apology Elixir.
Distilled from the finest phrases found throughout the world this tonic should
work wonders for any situation in which you find you are confused, tired and
lacking focus. And so without further ado, here you go: “Darling, I am sorry I
have not taken the time to understand you and your needs. My desire to
provide for you and your comfort has tragically robbed us of our precious
time together. I promise to be more attentive to you in the future my darling
sweetheart.” This, guys, is as good as it gets.

The next best way to apologize is to apologize for something you’ve actually
done wrong. Now, having said that, try not to apologize for anything she may
only suspect you of, but has no proof. Only cop to something she can prove.
However, once your guilt has been proven admit everything immediately. This
may sound like a contradiction, but we’re not necessarily discussing
something rational here so bear with me. The decision as to how to best
handle this situation will involve understanding just what it is she thinks
you’ve done wrong. You need to figure out why she’s angry regardless of the
difficulty. Then, at least you’ve got some specifics concerning your
transgression. You can sprinkle these specifics liberally throughout your
subsequent apology to add credence and believability. Be sincere, though. A
woman can see the lies in your eyes.

Consider, however, the scenario in which you may be accused of something

you had not done. This happens more often than you would think, particularly
if you’re in the habit of actually doing things for which you end up in trouble.
Given that this is not the case this time, and that you are innocent, you’ve got
two choices here:

• Prove her wrong. Yeah, this is a good idea. Prove her wrong thus
exonerating yourself and pissing her off in the process. Present your
evidence, call your witnesses, file your writ of Habeas Corpus and
show in excruciating detail how and why she is wrong. This will gain

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 you the day, but lose you the night - if you get my drift. You have to
ask yourself, just what is it you’re after here anyway? To be right and
alone on the couch, or wrong with her in bed. The choice, as they say,
is yours.

• Apologize. Yes, that’s right, apologize at once for whatever it was

you’ve been accused. Ask for her forgiveness and make sure you
sound sincere. Don’t sob and don’t whimper. Apologize like a man; on
your knees, wearing nothing but an athletic supporter, a lobster bib
and a jaunty cap. Try to make your eyes as big as possible, like a
puppy’s.

Depending upon what it is you’ve done, one or the other described above
may be correct. Try not to do both as she will take you apart like she took
apart her Ken Doll when it didn’t call Barbie the day after she finally put out.
Geeze, this therapy doesn’t seem to be helping at all does it? Well, anyway
consider the following example:

My friend Jeff and a female co-worker of his went to a store

during their lunch break to pick up a present for a colleague.
A friend of Jeff’s wife happened to see them during their
shopping excursion. She called and told his wife just what
she thought she was seeing which, of course, was wrong.
Jeff’s wife had the afternoon to ponder the situation.

So when Jeff got home that evening he knew something was

amiss, by virtue of his clothing strewn about the front lawn.
I guess this is preferable to having ExLax secretly stuffed
into ones dinner as had happened to another friend. Jeff
instantly and immediately apologized for not telling her
sooner about the shopping outing. Though it did take quite
some time, as well as quite the number of shinny baubles,
she did eventually forgive him. Jeff showed great poise and
presence of forethought here by defusing a potentially
difficult situation.
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 Imagine what could have happened if Jeff were to have argued his case rather
than apologized to his wife. Again, we need to keep in mind just what is the
goal here? Do you really want to prove her wrong? This would likely require a
great deal of energy and where will that effort likely lead? To a harmonious
home life and a comfortable relationship with your one and only true love? I
think not. Look at the big picture and ask yourself if proving her wrong is in
your best interest. In my opinion, often it is not.

* Women *
Men are relatively easy to deal with since they’re fairly simple creatures which require no
more than basic maintenance (oil, filters, lube, wash, rinse, repeat). Though most men
need no more than this and the occasional heaping plate of barbecued ribs to get by, there
are additional concerns with which you may want to familiarize yourself.

Exercise 3.4 - More Basics

The basics we speak of here are the absolute necessities in the world of men,
though women, for the most part, have no concept of their place in his
world. Women will see this as just another set of excuses for men to drink.
While there certainly may be some truth to this do not take these basics
lightly as their importance cannot be overestimated.

• Sports. Men need sports like women need shoes. I'm serious. It’s a
genetic thing and you, the female, do not necessarily need to
understand but rather simply to tolerate. Most men do not need (or
want) to play sports. Living vicariously through their sporting idols is
more than enough. The real problem with sporting events (baseball,
football and basketball are the favorites for the American male) is not
that he’ll spend a serious amount of time laying on the couch stuffing
his face with heavily-salted snack foods watching people with thyroid
conditions running around like idiots, it’s that his mood will vary
depending upon the fortunes of his particular team. You will likely not
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 know how his team has done until after the game has ended and
something tips you off as to his mood (like a fist through the wall or
attempting back flips in the living room).

If you have the sort of man whose idea of a manly sporting event
includes snooker, darts or cricket then what you’ve got there is either
an Englishman or some kind of European mongrel. An Englishman can
be dealt with to some extent as long as he’s not a soccer hooligan.
Soccer-crazed men simply exist to serve as an example to others. Not
so much as a mentor as it is a 'Scared Straight' sort of thing. American
men, in general, think that any sport which can be viewed while eating
and drinking is just fine with them. However, if you got yourself one of
those European types who think that bathing is a spectator sport, you
might want to find the section on his hygiene and study up on it.

• Alcohol, etc.. Men need to drink something. Men need to smoke

something. Men need to prepare themselves for any and all upcoming
female engagements. Note that alcohol, and such are even more
important if there is no upcoming female engagement on the horizon.
Men love beer, but will drink wine if there’s a damn good reason, such
as there’s nothing left in the house but Drambui and Ovaltine (an
attempt to mix the two is not a mistake men are likely to repeat). So,
let’s discuss a man’s need for alcohol and the like. A man sees the
world as it is: Rotten. It’s a tough world and it’s getting tougher.
Nothing is easy for a man, and his surly demeanor reflects the trials
he’s had to endure. This is why men drink. That and women. I’m not
certain what percentage of a men’s alcohol intake is attributable to
women but I’d venture to say upwards of 95% or so. Ladies, that’s
how important you are.

A woman sees the world as it should be: Lovely, filled with hearts,
stars and butterflies. A place where animals don’t eat one another, but
rather order out. If you doubt this, check out the difference between

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 men’s and women’s prisons. A man’s prison is a hell hole, a hole in one
of the lower levels of hell to be accurate. A woman’s prison is basically
a quilting bee with discussion groups and daily support sessions led by
a team of consoling consolers. It’s just how women are, it’s their
nature. So women by their very nature have a pretty good view of the
world, unrealistic as it may be, while men need something to give the
world that rosy color. And there’s nothing like a couple of good stiff
Zombies or Long Island Iced Teas to rosy-things-up some. Women,
once he has reached this semi-blissful state, it is a perfect time to talk
to him. He will pay attention better than he’s been able to before and
will remember the conversation just as well.

• Sports Bars. Combining the best of both worlds we have sports and
alcohol in a smoky, mostly male-only environment. With scantly-clad
waitresses serving the drinks, you have the male version of paradise
here on Earth. This is an environment in which the male can get
plastered with others of his kind while loudly rooting for his team. No,
not just his team, their team! The entire place is typically rooting for
one team or the other. A tip for the women out there. If you, a female,
were to be stuck in a sports bar with no way out, just do what my
uncle Jimmy in Texas does. He’s almost blind and when driving figures
out when to go or stop by what the car next to him does.

You can do the same thing and go along with the group. Simply cheer
when everyone else does and say “crap” when they do as well.
Regardless of the sport, you’ll be a real fan in no time. You should
realize, however, that women other than waitresses are looked upon in
a Sports Bar as bad luck. Just as on the ships of old, women are
viewed with suspicion in these venues. So, if the home team starts to
pull up lame, you may want to excuse yourself and slip out of the
women’s bathroom window. Just something to keep in mind.

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• Food (Pizza, Ribs, Burgers, Tacos, etc.) Anything other than pasta,
quiche, fruit or vegetables. If it doesn’t contain meat, it ain’t food. It’s
probably the stuff that food eats. My friend Fast Eddy once said that he
had not eaten a vegetable in 20 years, “I think if I ate a vegetable now
it would kill me”. In this, men and women differ greatly. My Ex
wouldn’t eat anything with eyelashes or a face. I won’t eat anything
that didn’t have a face. Men love anything that is deep fried, and it
seems that you can deep fry almost anything. My Grandma was making
deep fried okra and hush puppies for my Grandpa one day when I
asked if she wasn’t concerned about cholesterol? She looked at me like
I was insane and said, “Everyone today is worried about fat and
cholesterol. Why, back in my day, we didn’t have cholesterol. Crap, if
we did, we woulda just fried it up and ate it”.

Food is about as important to men as is sex; depending upon the time

of day, maybe more. You can, if you have your sweet little heart set on
it, spend hour after hour making him a wonderful meal; perfectly
braised lamb basted with caramelized carrots and new red potatoes,
nice big bowl of greens, freshly baked sourdough bread (which you
made yourself using your own starter), and a hot Granny Smith apple
pie with melted Cheddar cheese. He will spend about 5 minutes
stuffing everything down, belch loudly, wipe his mouth on the table
cloth, go into the living room to watch TV and pass out while you sit
there gaping like a trout, no longer looking forward to a wonderful
meal and scintillating conversation. You can get mad if you want, but it
probably won’t do any good. You have been warned.

• His Things. Women like to throw stuff out. His stuff. Everything that
is needed she already has and so his crap is no longer necessary. It may,
however, not be as easy as simply tossing something of his into the
garbage. He may have developed some attachment to that 30-year-old
bean-bag chair, the broken and leaking lava lamp, or that hideous green
vinyl couch. He will attempt to explain to you that his silverware is

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 actually the tradition snowflake pattern in which every one is different.
He will, of course, not be successful. You can start by telling him that
all of his crap is crap and should be thrown out because it smells like
someone’s feet. Make sure that you don’t give in here, this is not the
place to compromise. His stuff is crap, I know it, you know it, he
knows it. Just get rid of it.

• Mute, deaf women. On occasion a man will need for you to be deaf
and mute - probably at the same time. He will need you to be deaf in
the sense that you pretend not to have heard the stupid things he’s just
uttered, and mute in the sense that you won’t say anything about it to
him or anyone else. This is technically known as a 'mulligan' and he will
owe you one for doing this for him. Note: for the women out there. A
mulligan is when you are on the golf course and you take a swing at
the ball and screw-up so badly, that your friends choke because they’re
laughing so hard. You get to replay that ball once without penalty. You
usually get one mulligan per round. This is opposed to a 'dick-out'
which is what happens if you don’t hit your initial drive past the
woman’s tee. In that event you have to walk that hole with your dick
sticking out of your pants - hence the term 'dick-out'. They never
grow-up, do they?

• His private cave. From the “Men are from Mars...” crowd we know
that men will, on occasion, go and sit in their caves to be alone and
ponder things. This is how men work things out and figure it out for
themselves. They really don’t need to be alone during this time, it also
works just as well if you just don’t talk to them for awhile. Many men
will retreat to the garage or workshop to fire-up something electrical
which makes a hellofalotta noise, throws stuff like sawdust or metal
shavings several feet into the air and is probably somewhat dangerous.
Men like to make a lot of noise while thinking. It help them think better
and to make difficult decisions such as whether or not to have another

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 beer. Typically, the initial decision would be to have another beer and
consider the question in more depth.

Exercise 3.5 - Your Cat

OK, this is going to hurt. You might want to skip this section until you think
you can handle it. Here it is: Get rid of your cat. That’s it - I said it! Someone
had to say it and I said it. You need to realize that your cat is simply a
surrogate partner. You’ve redirected all of the love, attention and affection
you have to offer toward this critter which, trust me, does not love you back.
Whatever you may think, your cat simply tolerates you as long as you feed it
and treat it kindly. It would kill you and eat you if it thought it were possible.
How well do you think your cat would tolerate you if you were the size of a
mouse? To this predator, you’d be just another tasty morsel once it finished
playing with you.

Men hate cats. Men will usually make a big production of being kind to your
cat when you’re around, but once your back is turned he will scare the crap
out of it. The real issue here is that, while a man will not necessarily demand
all of your attention, he does not want you to have any other focus for your
affection. Note that if your man relents and allows you to keep your cat,
you’re going to need to revise your relationship with this animal. Best, at this
point, to count your blessings and make it an outside cat. Feeding it
occasionally should give you both a few minutes together. On the off chance,
however, that the man brings his own cat into the relationship, then run. Run
fast, run far and do not look back.

Exercise 3.6 - Be Flexible

When dealing with a man it is imperative that you learn to be flexible. This is
because you are going to have to put up with a lot of crap. As my Grandma
used to say, “No matter what, if it's got tires or balls your going to have
trouble with it”. Oh that Grandma of mine; crude but correct. The following

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are some reasons why a certain amount of flexibility on your behalf should
make for bucket-loads of relatively happy memories together:

• Short Memory Span. He’ll forget what you just told him. Yes I could
remind him in his section to write down the things you tell him, but he
would just forget. You, however, could gently remind him of some of the
more important things with which he will need to deal. You could even
go as far as to write things down for him. You may also need to tell him
the same thing over and over a few times before it really sinks in. You
need to understand that he has a lot on his mind. Baseball statistics and
songs whose lyrics he can’t quite accurately recall most likely.
Understand that there is only so much that will fit inside a man’s head,
so you need to decide beforehand what to leave in there and what can be
deleted without causing you even more grief.

• He will Stretch the Truth. This is a given; men have to lie like fish have
to swim and birds have to fly. At the cellular level it has been shown that
there is a gene on the 'Y' chromosome that causes men to make things
up. Actually, I just made that up. See? Even when there is no reason to,
men will often lie. Just understand that it’s not our fault - honest. The
need for men to lie, I believe, initially came about as a mechanism to
attract women. Picture this: The very large, very hairy cave man comes
back to his village empty-handed. Now, if he tells everyone that he got
bombed on fermented figs and has been sleeping for the past two days
under a tree rather than hunting, he will not be looked upon favorably.
However, if instead he tells everyone a harrowing tale about the “…big-
ass Mammoth…” that somehow got away, the women will be so
impressed by his manliness that they will all want to sleep with him
regardless of his overwhelming stinkyness. Imagine the first man who
thought up the concept of lying. The women he must have had....

• Not the Brightest Bulb... He will do or say something stupid. Yet

another given here. Please be patient, we honestly had only the purest of

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 intentions and the noblest of goals in mind. We did not mean to screw-
up. How were we to have known, for example, that inflammable meant
flammable? Yes, well sure if we would have actually read the
instructions. Realize that often he is making a valiant attempt at doing
good. It could be something as simple as a really nice compliment which
just, well, didn't come out right. Usually there will be others around
when he does or says something stupid. When this happens, and it will
happen, nobody will notice the man behind the stupidity as he is pretty
much expected to behave in this manner. All eyes will, however, be on
you, his woman. Other women will nod their heads and sympathize
knowing that it could as easily have been them, while others, like your
Mother, will be firmly entrenched in the “I Told You So” camp.

• Not the Sharpest Tool... He will do or say something to piss you off.
Yet, another high possibility on this one as it’s similar to the previous
issue, yet with subtle differences. OK, he’s done something, yet again, to
make you angry. Now there are two possibilities here: Either he did
whatever it is he did on purpose, or else it was simply a man-moment.
Let’s take these one at a time. If it was just a man-moment, then please
refer to the bullet-point above for more information. In this case this is
likely something which he began with good intentions and then ran off
into the weeds somewhere along the way. If, however, he actually did
something on purpose which angered or pissed you off, well then have at
him. He deserves whatever he gets which, depending on the severity of
the act, might be a frying pan to the forehead, a ride to the local 'Y' or an
irate call from your lawyer.

• His Wandering Eye. He will look at other women, you’re going to

have to live with this fact. There is every chance that your man will be
looking at other women any time he is out in public, regardless of
whether you are with him or not. As my Ex had said many times, “Men
are dogs”. Actually, I'm a chicken hawk (yes, this is what happens when
you grow up watching cartoons while eating sugar-coated cereals). Back

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 to men and their wandering eye. You can castigate him for this if you see
fit, but it probably won’t do any good. Notice that I said ‘castigate’ and
not “castrate’, which wouldn’t do any good either. If he has read this
book, he’ll probably just say, “How would I know how beautiful you are
unless I compare you to other women which, I must say, simply don’t
compare?”. Oh, he’s good.

Exercise 3.7 - Your Faithful Man?

It has been said by those wiser than I that a man is only as faithful as his
options. This is certainly not true for every man, but it definitely is for a large
percentage of us. Why should this be so, you ask yourself? “Don’t I slave day
in and day out to give him everything he wants, everything he needs? Isn’t my
every waking thought about him, his concerns and his comfort? Doesn’t he
know I love him? Doesn’t he know that I care? That bastard! I'll kill him!!!”

OK everyone, let’s just calm down, take a deep breath here and get some
perspective. Now I could say that it’s only natural that a man have the desire
to mate with as many females as possible thus maximizing the chances that his
subsequent offspring will....blah, blah, blah. I can see many of you out there
conspiring as we speak to track me down so that you can feed this book to me
through my butt. Well, hold on a minute ladies. I have another, and I think less
potentially painful, explanation.

Of course, your man is probably faithful. Statistics I've uncovered from 1973
say that less than 25% of men (as well as 15% of women) in committed
relationships cheat on their mates. So chances are, or were back in '73, that
you have nothing to worry about. Contrary to what you might think, men do
indeed have a conscience. They know the difference between right and wrong.
Why, then, do they seem to have so much trouble in doing what’s right? My
belief is that it’s not “any other woman” which a man seeks but rather just
“another woman” on occasion.

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This may sound like I’m nuts, but bear with me here a minute and let me try to
explain. I think that most men would be very happy and comfortable with the
concept of having 3 or 4 wives or girlfriends. This concept, which seems to
work well in many cultures, is that a man would have multiple partners in a
relationship. Have these other cultures discovered the solution to a long
hidden truth about men? Has the development of this sort of socially accepted
relationship between 3 or 4 adults operated in some way to preclude the sorts
of problems we find in our culture? Have they found an effective solution to a
cheating partner? Have they found an effective solution to the fact that a man
would have 3 or 4 mothers-in-law? Am I asking too many questions? I think
the answer to all of these is a resounding, yes!

In these polygamist cultures, the husband would spend 2 or 3 days with each
wife and then move onto the next, eventually rotating around to the beginning
again. In this way, his need for variety is satisfied and his interest is maintained
by the different women in his life. This would, if nothing else, tend to keep
him occupied. I think that, since our society allows only a single partner, men
are driven to look for affairs because of just those needs which other cultures
have addressed. The questions is; would a man with 3 or 4 wives ever cheat
on them? I think the polite answer is no. I think the accurate answer is, who
would have the time or energy?

Regardless of what other societies deem acceptable, ours is pretty much based
upon the one man one woman concept. I have no doubt that you’re now
thinking, “Am I to understand that I simply have to put up with this sort of
behavior from him? Is there nothing I can do to make him realize that I am the
one and only woman he needs in his life?” Well, you can certainly try your best
at convincing him of that fact, but I’m telling you here and now that you may
be disappointed in the results. Alright then, what to do? My best guess on this
one is to simply trust your man. That’s right, there’s nothing more to it. If you
have the sort of relationship that you want to last, then you need to have
implicit trust in your man that he will do what’s right.

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If, however, you cannot bring yourself to trust your man once he’s out of your
sight then you might just want to consider calling it quits. You’ll always be
suspicious of him anyway. If you don’t have trust in him then you don’t have
anything to build upon. Trust is like the foundation of a relationship. If trust
does not exist between you and your partner, then your relationship is nothing
more than a house of cards constructed on the slippery back of a drowning
turtle. Right? OK, I think it’s time for another beer.

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 Habit #4
Think “She’s Going to Win”
One of the other Habits in this book, I forget which one exactly, talks about striving for a
mutually beneficial relationship. I think this is a very good idea and once you learn more
about the concept, you will as well. So, just what is a mutually beneficial relationship? It’s
one in which most of the time she’s happy and you’re not in trouble. As we all know if she
ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. So, we want to get into the habit of doing things that
make her happy, or at least that don’t piss her off. This is known as a win / win situation
and is what we will be aiming for in these exercises. This is opposed to something like a
win / lose situation which may be characterized by your mate being happy, and you not so
much. Or worse yet, a lose / lose scenario in which nobody gets what they want.

One of the main topics within this section will concern the ever-popular argument.
Arguments are an important part of any relationship. We do all love to argue, don’t we?
Well, some of us do and some of us don’t, and some of us live for nothing else. So let’s
talk about an average argument between you and your partner. In an argument of any
appreciable length (say, of more than a minute or so) you, the defenseless man, probably
won’t have a chance. This is because women are really good at arguing whereas men are
usually not. What happens during an argument is that a woman will have about 10 distinct
thoughts swirling around in her brain concerning any given topic, while a man typically
doesn’t even know how the sentence he’s just started will end. This gives women a distinct
advantage in the art of arguing.

Now, men, does this mean that we should just give-up and not even bother to argue?
Absolutely not! Quite the contrary. We need to get back in there and give as good as we
get. Got it? Good. We’re not going to take this lying down. No, at some point we will not.
So, we’ll hit the snooze and sleep on this a bit longer but once the alarm goes off again
we’re going to get up, get going and get after it. We just need to sleep a bit longer.

* Men *

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The exercises within this section are some of the more challenging and rewarding in the
entire series. They will allow you to learn how to win while appearing to give in to her
irrational demands. You will become a clever practitioner of the art of male subterfuge.
Male subterfuge you say? What the hell? Let’s take a simple example; the act of screwing
up the laundry or the dishes by shrinking one and breaking the other. She will, of course,
never let you deal with these household activities again. Question is, did you screw up by
accident, or...?

Take, however, a more subtle approach. This scheme required forethought as well as
planning and practice, but it was well worth it. To begin with, I secretly learned to fake a
sneeze. And I mean a really good fake - you couldn’t tell it from the real thing. Next I let
my partner know that I had a variety of allergies including cats, dust, molds, relatives, etc.
and that I would get asthma if it got too bad. And furthermore, that I would die if I didn’t
do something to remedy the problem. I am allergic to cats, but none of the rest of that was
true. Although, it is true that if someone were to tie a cat to my face, I just might expire.

So what you say? So here’s what; when I find myself in yet another situation that I want to
get out of, such as an afternoon with her relatives and their 10 screaming kids when I
would rather be at home watching the playoffs, I simply begin my fake sneezing attack.
Making sure she and others take notice and ask about it, I would wheezingly reply that all
that would be needed would be for me to get my butt back on the couch for the remainder
of the afternoon. Now what do you think? Diabolical, no? Understand that this sort of
thing takes planning, practice, timing and flawless execution. I wouldn’t expect the novice
to conjure up nor successfully execute such a scheme. Years of patience and practice, little
Locust, years of patience and practice.

Exercise 4.1 - Should I Argue?

Should you argue with your woman? No, not unless it’s really quick. Don’t
get into a protracted argument with your woman. She will win, or to be more
accurate, you will lose. After many years of experience, my view is that for the
most part it’s just not worth the effort. If, however, you are dead set on an
argument, make it short and sweet. Don’t pull any punches - get in there, say

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what you need to say without beating around the bush, and get out. It’s like a
boxing match, you’ve got at most one good round in you so make it count. If
you can’t wrap it up within that first round, best take a dive. You ain’t got the
legs; I know it, you know it, she knows it. You are simply not going the
distance, so don’t even try. Whatever the outcome, just know that you’ve
done the best you could - provided, of course, that you’ve really done the best
you could.

While I’ve stated that my view is, for the most part, an argument is simply not
worth the effort, many other men have a different opinion. They are of the
opinion that they can, in fact, win an argument. Now while that is true in
theory, it remains tantalizingly elusive in practice. The reason is that it is
difficult to determine just what exactly the spoils of victory are when you’re
sleeping in your car because you’ve been locked out for the night yet again.
Case in point:

In March of 1994 my Ex and I attended the wedding of our

friends Peter and Donna. We had not seen them since
moving away about a year earlier, but had keep in touch off
and on. We arrived a bit late, to find the potential Bride and
Groom arguing. They were standing in the parking lot of the
restaurant where the wedding was to be held. We had
thought it an odd location for a wedding and reception, but
who were we to talk. We were married by a blind, barefoot
Native American shaman deep in a mist shrouded redwood
forest (guess whose idea that was).

Upon approaching the arguing couple we quickly learned the

reason for the heated discussion. The kitchen of the
restaurant was apparently next to the location of the
wedding ceremony, separated only by a thin wall. The Bride
had asked (told) the Groom to tell the restaurant personnel
to keep quiet in the kitchen since the banging of pots and
pans could be clearly heard through the walls.

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The Groom dutifully had asked the restaurant folks to cool it
with the dishes which they had apparently agreed to do, but
only at the last minute since they still had customers to
feed. The Groom agreed and left it at that. The Bride, still
hearing the noises once the Groom had returned, was
pissed. She wanted them to stop now, not later. The Groom
tried to explain to his betrothed that they will stop as soon
as the ceremony began. She was having none of this crap. It
was her wedding and, dammit, she was going to have it
exactly the way she wanted. The argument was getting
loud, heated and ugly, when the groom finally said, “Look,
that’s the way it’s going to be so just live with it”. She just
turned and stormed-off. He said to us, “Well, I guess I
showed her whose the boss”. I had to pinch my Ex to keep
her from laughing. We next saw them at the ceremony.

As she walked down the aisle the sound of the Wedding

March mixed unpleasantly with the crashing of pots and
pans being washed, apparently, by violently banging them
together. You could see she was very, very upset. As soon as
she got to the makeshift alter the music and dish washing
stopped together as if on queue. The actual ceremony itself
took less than 5 minutes after which the bride and groom
did not kiss, but rather both simply turned to face the small
strangely quiet gathering. After an uncomfortable pause the
Groom said, “That’s it, let’s eat”. The banging of pots and
pans instantly began once again.

The Groom proceeded to get surprisingly drunk while the

Bride locked herself in the restaurant bathroom and cried for
the remainder of the evening. Her bridesmaid sat by the
door funneling in strong drink, chicken wings and Kleenex
for hours. All in all it was not that bad and certainly not the
most unpleasant wedding I had attended in my time. I was
the best man at a wedding in the mid-1980’s. I still have
less than fond memories of the surprisingly quick training

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 course, the subsequent ceremony and my spectacularly
unsuccessful landing during one of the last legally
sanctioned skydiving weddings in Baja California. Peter and
Donna were married for a short, tumultuous 3 month period
before being divorced. Winner!

Exercise 4.2 - Talking About It

Men tend to be as comfortable talking about their relationship as they are
buying sanitary napkins in the supermarket on a Saturday morning, with a girl
scout troop behind them - pointing, giggling and whispering. Oh, sorry. Now
then, when it’s time to talk about your relationship, and make no mistake
about it the time will indeed come, take a deep breath and steel yourself for
the onslaught. This is not going to be your average conversation. You are
probably going to have to listen, pay attention and maybe even participate in
this discussion. You’re sweating, aren’t you.

If you find yourself faced with the prospect of having to actually talk about
your relationship, and you’ve already tried faking seizures, heart attacks and
the uncontrollable channeling of Ward Bond - none of which worked - then
you are likely to have to really do some actual talking. So, here’s what I
would suggest - apologize. Yup, that’s right. Get the first punch in by
apologizing. Say to her that you don’t spend enough time with her and that
you feel you’ve been taking her for granted lately. This is good because even if
you haven’t, she’ll feel you have. Add, sincerely, that you want to make it up
to her by doing more of the housework as well as taking her out for a special
evening - just for her. If you can manage to actually make that a perfect
evening for her, you may never have to talk about your relationship ever
again. Does this work? Well, it has so far. Was it worth the effort? Oh, you
bet!

Exercise 4.3 - Where will Anger Get Me?

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Where will your anger and temper get you? Usually nowhere, depends upon
your woman and her mood. Women typically don’t like to see anger in her
man directed her way. It’s not a comfortable feeling and picks away at any
trust and affection you have built up between you two. However, if you are
not showing enough emotion, then she may actually demand that you get
angry about something just to prove you’re not made of stone and that there
is some feeling in you. So, there are times when you should get angry and
times when you should not. Just exactly how to tell when you should get
angry and when you should not is anyone’s guess.

Consider the woeful tale of myself and a date just after

bowling one evening. We had bowled a few games and had
ourselves a few beers. She had beat me all three games and
was something less than a sportsmanlike winner. I, on the
other hand, was an even worse looser and was getting really
tired of hearing my date scream, "Girls rule, girls rule!"

I just wanted to get her home and be done with this rather
emasculating evening as I lifted the hood of my Ford Pinto
to get it started. OK, I guess an explanation is in order here.
The key broke off in the ignition which sort of implied that it
would always be running, which would be true were it not
for an odd electrical problem it also had. This problem would
manifest itself by everything in the car stopping and dying
at the same time. Wherever I happened to be at the time
was where I parked.

So, when starting the car it had to be in neutral and I would

just touch a screwdriver between two terminals under the
hood. With a shower of sparks it started right up, usually.
This is what I was doing in the empty parking lot of the
bowling alley that night. Problem was that I didn’t have the
car in neutral and when I touched the screwdriver to the
terminals the car started and jumped forward hitting the

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 side of the building, and stopping with the front tire on top
of my left foot.

It sort of hurt, but not too much. Probably because I was

drunk, but not too much. My date, on the other hand, was
three-sheets-to-the-wind and laughing her ass off. I was so
pissed I started yelling at her to get in the car and put it
into reverse. This did not have quite the desired results.
Rather than helping me as requested, she displayed a hand
gesture which, I was to soon discover, meant, “Yeah, right.
I’ll be right back. I just need to run home and get my
camera.” Fortunately, a friendly cop happened by before she
got back and helped me out of my predicament. And yes, he
was laughing as well.

Exercise 4.4 - Cheating

Guys, please don’t cheat on your woman. She will find out. Let me repeat this
- SHE WILL FIND OUT! Make sure you understand this completely. Good.
OK, so when you do cheat realize that the only thing you’ll be able to think
about afterward is not getting caught. While it’s pretty much a given you will
get caught (mostly because you are a stupid man and would think nothing
about having an affair with the next door neighbor, driving your own car to a
motel, or using your wife's credit card to pay for an hour’s worth of depravity
at your local Whore’s-R-Us), here are some tips for you anyway:

• The Sniff Test. Your woman will give you the sniff test when you get
home from work, or if she is at all suspicious of your activities. She
will probably accomplish this by hugging you and quietly sniffing your
neck. Most men would be mistaken as to why a women would do this.
It is not, as one might suspect, to determine if you smell like another
woman's perfume (which could happen anyway so watch yourself), but
rather to determine if you’ve recently showered. You had better not
have or you’re going to have some big-time explaining to do.

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 So, you really don’t have a chance here. She will either detect the
scent of another woman on you, or else you will smell like you’ve
recently showered. You should now be aware of the fact that there is
no way out. Men have always believed that simply taking a shower
after an elicit affair will wash away not only their depraved sin but the
scent of said sin as well. Well, it won’t. Never has, never will.

• Protection. For God sakes, if you’re going to cheat, wear a condom.

Nothing screams “Hey everyone, I’ve been cheating” like a good case
of one of the more popular STD’s. But explaining this to the typical
guy is all but useless. It’s got to be the woman’s responsibility (even
though I know full well it’s not) because most guys, given the
opportunity, will jump on pretty much any woman without a second
thought. Guys pretty much see each sexual encounter as if it were the
last chopper outta 'Nam. For all they know, this is it, this may be the
last time this will ever happen so why bother with protection?

An example of the lack of reasoning in the man who is having an

extramarital liaison is the following slice of life: The cheating man
asked his mistress, who was in the process of undressing, if her name
was Victoria Dumont? To which she answered that yes, it was, and
furthermore how he came by this information. He would say, of
course, by the provocative initials on her knickers.

• Location, location, location. Just where is it you intend to perform

this illicit act? Her house? Your house? The park? You had better put a
lot of thought into this question. The last thing you’ll want is to be
seen and recognized by someone you and your wife know. I knew a
guy in college who preferred the Bavarian Romantic Poetry aisle of
the Linguistics Section at the college library. He had never, in 6 years,
been interrupted at that locale until one day when an aged librarian
happened by. He managed the unusual feat of staining both the carpet
as well as his honor at the same time.

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• Clean up your Act. Somehow you’re going to need to wash
afterwards really, really well without her becoming suspicious. It
would be preferable if you could do this before you get home, but
never forget the pending sniff test. Therefore, try to only wash the
crotch part of yourself. You don’t want to do this at home and have
your wife become suspicious as to why it is you’ve been scrubbing
your crotch for the past 20 minutes. Maybe a gas station bathroom
would work for this activity. Try to use a good strong soap if possible.
But don’t rub so hard that you chaff, or worse yet, become excited
(honest honey, I was just cleaning it and it went off)

• The Money, Honey. If there is any money involved with this

reprehensible activity (dinner, web-sites, a fist-full of ones) make sure
that its sudden disappearance is not noticeable. Lot’s of luck on this
one, it’s not an easy thing to do. If you want to be proactive about it
(hey, these habits do come in handy) you could save up little bits of
money over time to pay for your depraved sexual malfeasance. But
realize that this would clearly demonstrate intent and so could end-up
getting you in even more trouble than if she were to believe that this
was just some kind of spur-of-the-moment uncontrollable, stupid male
weakness. So, as far as money goes, since you’ve already started
ambling down that slippery path to hell, you may just as well rob a
liquor store.

• Don’t tell anyone. Though, you will likely screw-up each of the tips
mentioned above, this is probably the one that will be the final nail in
the coffin with respect to your getting caught. Your telling someone
what you’ve done is as good as her having an eye witness. Remember,
the walls have ears, the ceiling eyes. She has spies, snitches, slime who
would drop-a-dime on their own Mothers for the price of a Whopper
without cheese. So, if you intend to actually keep this affair of yours a
secret, you absolutely cannot tell anyone - especially your woman.

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 Yes, indeed. This is what some so-called therapists would recommend.
It will aid in the healing for both of you to share in the process, they
will say. The therapist would argue that the only way to face this head-
on would be to just come out and tell her what you’ve done. This is
fine if you’re a therapist and get your money whether things work out
or not. However, this is actually a load of crap. Let’s look at this from
the perspective of your woman. Her view of this situation would likely
be that you simply what to break-up with her. Why else would you
have hurt her so badly by doing what you’ve done and then telling her
about it? There’s no other possible explanation. You simply wanted to
hurt her. So, in my opinion, if you’re going to cheat, and then
afterwards tell her about it, be prepared to break-up.

Exercise 4.5 - Pay Attention

Notice anything new? These three words strike fear into the hearts of even the
bravest of men. Raging storms in the South Atlantic waves 80 feet high, the
horrors of hand-to-hand combat during the insanity of war, keeping an
accident victim’s heart beating with your own bare hands; nothing will shake
the rock-solid foundation of a man like the three words uttered by his woman,
“Notice anything new”? Upon hearing these words medically detectable
changes will occur in a guy’s physiology . The color will drain from his face as
the fight-or-flight response takes over, tunnel vision and a panicked search for
escape routes quickly ensue. Sweat beads on his eyebrows, his hands will
become cold and clammy, his breathing shallow.

Your heart feels like a jackhammer is pounding in your chest as you realize
that there is no escape. In a panic you quickly scan millions of different things
in the room, on her person, in the air, on the walls, IN HER DAMNED
MIND, to try and determine what is different from the last time you were put
through this torture. OK, stop. Breath deeply and take a few seconds here to
calm down. You can deal with this; that’s why I went to all the trouble of

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 writing this damn book. Look at her, smile and say the following, “Your hair
looks wonderful and I just love your smile. My love for you seems to grow
with each and every passing day”, while simultaneously praying for a heart
attack. You could also try to bite off and swallow your own tongue, but that
would require a much greater expenditure of energy and has been proven to
be only slightly more effective.

Exercise 4.6 - Her Ex

One of the more perplexing questions men have asked over the years is how
to effectively deal with her Ex. This is easy, as you usually don’t have to do
anything. She is perfectly capable of defining whatever relationship they may
still have, which they shouldn’t be having in the first place. But if she wants to
stay in touch with an Ex I’ve found that it’s best not to push it. That is,
however, unless the past tense nature of that relationship somehow escapes
her notice. If she, therefore, spends too much time with an Ex, then this may
be cause for concern. Though, what exactly you would do in that case is far
beyond my level of expertise. I’d probably leave her before she throws me
out, but that’s just me. You could try asking her what she’s thinking, but why?

If there is occasion for you to have any contact with her Ex, make sure that
you are always polite. Let him throw the first punch, this will demonstrate
your preference for the high road. Your woman will appreciate this attitude
since there’s really nothing to fight over. She’s already dumped (or had been
dumped by) him and she’s now with you. If by chance you do happen to see
her Ex. Don’t go giving him that “Yeah, that’s right. I'm doing her now” look
in your eye. At best it will only make him nostalgic, at worse he will rupture
an internal organ laughing so hard.

* Women *
The exercises in this section are designed to allow you to become a gracious winner. We
already know that for the most part you’re going to win and get whatever it is that you
want. And all through the use of your feminine wiles. Damn those feminine wiles! Well
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perhaps that’s as it should be but unless you allow him to think he’s won a significant
victory or two, at some point he may just grow tired of your shenanigans and up and
leave. Is that what you want? If so, then have at him and it won’t be long before you’re
killing your own spiders, fixing your own car, mowing your own lawn and hauling in your
own firewood. Otherwise, ladies, read on.

Exercise 4.7 - Should I Argue?

Don’t be ridiculous, what’s wrong with you? It's like asking if a pride of lions
should bring down a lame deer. They were born to eat venison and you were
born to argue. So, get in there and do what you do best. For the most part he
won’t want to argue fearing both losing as well as winning, but if he does
decide to give it a go realize that he is going to try for a quick ending. A
knockout in the first round as it were. Be patient, use the entire ring. Move
and jab, move and jab, you’re in this for the duration. You can easily tire him
out, he’s got no legs. It won’t be long before you’re receiving accolades from
the appreciative audience while he’s busy regaining consciousness.

If, however, he’s a keeper and you’d like to have him stick around for awhile
then you’re going to want to make him feel comfortable in expressing his
thoughts, feelings and desires. As important as it is to allow him to express
himself, you’ll want to make sure that he understands that he cannot just go
and do whatever he pleases. So, this is a difficult balancing act in which you
want to make sure that the steam of frustration doesn’t build up too much
pressure in the ol' man-kettle, while at the same time making sure that he
knows intuitively when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, argument-wise. This
may sound unnecessarily convoluted, but after all it is men we’re dealing with
here for God’s sake. I guess the bottom line here is, would it really hurt to let
him win a meaningless victory or two once in a while? If you could also make
it seem, in some fashion, to have been a meaningful victory that would really
help as well.

Exercise 4.8 - Where will Anger Get Me?

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Women are easily annoyed, angered, miffed, peeved; they heat-up quickly and
cool-down slowly. I have no doubt that there are plenty of women out there
who have just read this and are now pissed-off about it. See? But I don’t have
to tell you women out there that anger is an effective way to get whatever it is
you want. As the old saying goes, “If she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”.
Realize, however, that there is only so much up with which a man will put. If
your anger is too intense or lasts to long (like there’s no end in sight), he may
just bail on you. This is why I would suggest crying as a practical alternative.
Men feel very guilty about leaving a woman while she’s crying. Oh, they’ll still
leave, but will feel guilty about doing so.

Long ago there was a commercial for something or other, which has really
stuck with me. Yeah, sounds like it you smirk. Screw you. I remember it
started out with this guy, a biker dude, gazing longingly at a picture. The
photo was of a beautiful Harley (chromed 1936 Knucklehead, if I'm not
mistaken) and there was a tear in his eye. The voice over said something like,
“Remember that bike you loved? The one you built with your own two hands?
The one your Ex-wife made you sell?” That commercial always meant a lot to
me and I’ll always remember it for reasons which are not presently clear.
Regardless, consider the following:

Whilst between girlfriends in 1988, I decided to call in sick

for 3 days and head off to Lake Mead in Nevada. Great party
atmosphere and lots of women during the summer months.
I rented a motel room on the water and spent most of my
time drunk in one casino or another. In the room next to
mine was a couple with a baby. It was an unusually quiet
infant, which was great as I would usually get in after 4AM
and sleep until about 2 the next afternoon. One late
afternoon, nursing yet another hangover, I met the
neighbors Ted “Just call me TJ”, his young and pimply wife,
Alma and their sleeping baby, Image. Who would name a kid
Image? Whatever. TJ did have a shiny new ski boat though.
It was a metal-flake red one with a very big chrome engine.

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They seemed nice enough for married folks but I needed a
shower and a drink, not necessarily in that order so I
excused myself. Coming out of the shower I heard what
sounded like twelve cats being tumble dried. It was coming
from next door. It was coming from Image. She was making
a nose like I’d never heard. I had to get away from there
and was just out of the door when Ted, uh TJ, called to me.
He asked if I wanted to head out for a boat ride. He
apparently needed to get away as well.

We headed to one of the many dockside bars upriver and

proceeded to get butt-faced in just under two hours. During
this time we had spent more than $200 and had collected an
obscene number of souvenirs as there was a wet tee-shirt
contest at this one particular bar. Who knew? It was dark by
the time we headed on back to our rooms. The water was
also very rough. It took quite a while to get back and I was
pretty sick by then. So was TJ. Once we got back he asked
me to just steer the boat because he wanted to get up on
the bow so the boat didn’t scrape the dock. It was then that
we could see his less than thrilled wife standing there
waiting for us.

OK, now I want everyone to know that I have no idea what I

did next, so technically I’m innocent. The boat somehow
lurched forward and smashed into the dock throwing TJ over
into the water on the other side. A large sampling of our
souvenirs, which included an interesting collection of
women’s undergarments, also littered the dock. His wife just
stood there and stared at her husband who was floundering
and puking in the water. She just shook her head and
walked back inside. I saw TJ and his wife the next morning
before I left and went over to apologize. They were packing
up to leave. Image was also quiet once again. I told Alma
how sorry I was about what had happened. Without

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 bothering to look up and said, “We're selling the boat”. She
looked at her emasculated husband who shook his head in
agreement. They turned and left as did I. And that was that.

Exercise 4.9 - Where will Crying Get Me?

There is little a woman can utilize from her complete arsenal of relationship
weaponry which is more effective than crying. A man hates to see, or hear a
woman cry. Particularly if the reason that she’s crying in the first place is his
fault. It means, to a man, that things are just so bad that there is nothing left
for her to do but cry. She’s at her wits end and her only recourse at this point
is uncontrollable sobbing.

You, the woman, however know that crying is only one of many and varied
relationship-specific weapons which can be brought to bear on any particular
situation. Most men don’t realize that a woman can go from being a helpless,
sobbing lump to an angry, surprisingly season martial arts expert who can
inflict severe pain, in a wink of an eye. You will learn this quickly little Locust
if you are something other than completely sympathetic to her feelings,
particularly when she is crying.

You’ll want to make sure, though, that only he sees you crying. If anyone else
were to see you crying they might think that something is actually wrong and,
God forbid, attempt to help. Men wouldn’t understand what you’re up to
because your actions would be taken out of context, while women would
understand implicitly. Without having that relationship frame of reference, you
become just another unhappy person in a sea of unhappy people. It is also
important to make sure he understands that although he may not be the cause
of your unhappiness, if nothing else he is at fault for not doing more to
console you. Men have no idea. They know nothing, nothing I tell you.

Exercise 4.10 - His Ex

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He is likely paralyzed with fear and inactivity when it comes to his Ex. She,
like his mother, has probably damaged him so severely that he either becomes
a complete ass whenever she’s around, or else a whimpering, spineless blob of
unflavored gelatin. Regardless of his pathetic reaction, it is up to you to define
how he is to relate to his Ex. You let him know, in no uncertain terms, that she
is no longer part of his life and that if he ever does see her again you’ll rip off
his arm and use it to kill the bitch. That should do it. Men just love the
prospect of a cat fight.

If, however, he and his Ex share children, farm animals, clothing, hunting dogs
or other property then they will necessarily need to be in contact at some
point. In this event, you are going to want to make sure that you chaperone
the Ex couple. You don’t want to leave him alone with her. You know how
women are, they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want. And what they
usually want is your man. So, though you may have a high level of trust in
your man, this is not likely to be the case with his Ex. You know what she’s
after. Just let her know that you know what’s going on and send her packing.
If she won’t go then do not hesitate, just bitch-slap her into next Friday and be
done with it.

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 Habit #5
Seek First to Understand,
Then Realize You Won’t
If everyone would just agree that men will never understand women and women will never
understand men, then I think we could all just get back to what’s really important; dinner.
Actually, I haven’t had anything to eat yet and I was getting hungry. No, what’s important
is for each of us to understand how men and women differ from one another. It is often
revealing to focus upon those things that men and women naturally think about differently.
Learning about these differences can, to a great extent, help our partners understand why
we do what it is we do. While this certainly won’t explain everything (why does he save
his earwax?), it should cover most of your concerns. Here are some of the things which
men and women look at differently:

• Shoes. For men, shoes are almost strictly utilitarian. Sporting equipment such as
ski boots, bowling shoes and flippers aside, men usually have two types of shoes.
They typically have work boots (these are for working) and tennis shoes (these are
for pretty much everything else). When our shoes get dirty we wash them off with
a hose and let them dry in the sun. Women, on the other hand, see shoes as an
extension of their bodies - the feet portion of the body primarily. One which can be
dressed-up with all sorts of different styles and colors and, oh, the new fashions are
coming out this fall and on and on and on.... Say what you want but when I see a
woman trying her best to walk in something that looks like someone stapled a
leather strap to a block of wood, it occurs to me that they have once again become
foot bound. Only this time, it’s their own idea.

If you watch women in a crowd, such as might be found in a mall or supermarket,

they will always look at the shoes of other women who pass by. Women judge one
another by their shoes. They can tell everything they need to know about another
woman by her shoes. Men do not know this, whereas women understand it
implicitly. Dogs smell each other’s butts, women look at each other’s shoes, men
don’t have a clue about one another. I once had a girl friend who stated that she
could look at a woman's shoes and from that tell what she likes in bed. If only this
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 were a skill which could be taught, or bottled. Women typically have more than
two dozen pair of shoes, most of which seem to be specifically designed for events
which do not actually exist like cotillions and anniversary parties.

• Chocolate. I could hardly find a better candidate than chocolate to illustrate how
men and women think about certain things differently. For men, chocolate is simply
a dessert item to be dealt with in relatively small quantities after a filling meal of
steak and potatoes. For women, chocolate means so very much more. Chocolate
acts on a woman’s brain in a physically detectable manner. It releases endorphins
(or some such mysterious thing) which is similar to being in love. That’s probably
more accurate; men like chocolate, women love chocolate.

If a man wants a piece of candy it could just as easily be a heavily salted peanut-
based candy bar (whose idea was that) as something with chocolate in it. A woman
will almost always go for the chocolate. And the more pure, sensually resplendent
dark the chocolate the better. I’ve noticed that at certain points in my girlfriends
cycles chocolate is not just a good idea, it’s the difference between a pleasant
evening with the person you love and one which ends in televised police action.

• Children. Men relate to children better than they relate to cats, but not much.
They have a certain level of tolerance for the little critters running about, but only
to a point. Men, of course, feel differently about their own kids than others. Their
own they can spank or leave at a truck stop without the worry of a subsequent
lawsuit, usually. Men typically don’t know much in the way of detail concerning
their kids. Nicknames, basic age ranges, annoying habits - these are the sorts of
things a man would know about his kids. Women will pretty much take care of
everything else.

Men actually like having children for the same reason that the ancient Pharos liked
having slaves. Yes, in his mind he has created his very own slaves. It seems to be
the only way in which to procure slaves anymore, have them yourself. So as soon
as they can walk, even before that in some cases, men will put these little slaves to
work. Pulling their own weight as it were. I, too, was trained as a slave when very

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 young. Actually, I was just helping my uncle deliver newspapers, but I was only 5.
My uncle would pay me a quarter each day I would help him. But wait a minute,
you say. You got paid, I thought you were bitching about being a slave. Well, let
me finish. After my Uncle gave me my quarter he told me to put it into my “bank”.
My bank was the floor heater in my Grandmother’s house. Once I deposited my
earnings into my bank, my Uncle would go into the basement and, uh, make a
withdrawal. I think he just used that same quarter over and over for years.

Women tend to treat all children as their own to a great extent. I’m not sure if it’s
some sort of motherly instinct, but I’ve noticed that women will usually take the
time to help a lost, crying child, while a man would give it a wide berth fearing it
might need to be burped or changed or something. Women know everything there
is to know about her children and, as such, are the sole repository for this
knowledge. Thus, if a man wants to know something about the kids, ask the wife.
This makes sense because if you both were to retain all of this information,
problems could develop.

What would you do, for example, if your husband was certain that it was your
daughter who swallowed the nickel when she was 5, and your son who put Sugar
Babies up his nose while you remember it differently. See the problem? If there is
only a single repository for this information, then everyone can agree that is was
the husband who both swallowed the nickel and put the Sugar Babies up his nose.
It’s like having more than one clock in the house, you never really know what time
it is. My parents have 38 clocks in their house. They couldn’t get within 20
minutes of the actual time if their lives depended on it.

• Personal space. If you watch people at a counter, such as one might find at a
bank, you will notice something interesting about the use of Personal Space. At a
bank counter (or in any locale which one might encounter a counter) people have a
certain amount of predefined personal amount of space defined by the bounds of
the counter itself. So, let’s first look at an example of how a man would utilize this
space. A man will walk up to counter, putting down maybe at most his keys,
present his paperwork to the teller and wait patiently with his hands folded in front

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 of him. Perhaps a simple checkbook, if that, might join his keys on the counter
next to him. Men realize that they are temporarily borrowing this space and that
they will soon be vacating. They don’t want to have to go through a long process
of packing things up once they are ready to leave. When it’s time to get, we pack-
up and get.

The typical female will approach the counter and immediately claim it as her own,
metaphorically planting a flag on the hilltop by setting her purse on the counter and
taking virtually everything out of it. She will tell you that she does this in order to
retrieve what she needs which is always at the bottom of her purse. This is not
true, she is staking out her territory. Simple as that. Although she understands on a
certain level that her presence here is temporary, it doesn’t seem to make a
difference. It’s a nesting thing, this is a woman’s personal space. In public this
space extends out from her body half again as long as her outstretched arms. She
will claim and use this space in any manner she sees fit and for as long as she needs
it. Are there any questions? Good, I didn’t think so.

• Arguing. Men see arguing as a means to an end, but only if arguing with another
man. If arguing with a woman then all bets are off. Arguments can lead to physical
confrontation between males, but this is usually a rare occurrence. This is, of
course, unless a female is watching. Then physical confrontation is likely since, in
the male mind, it will be the victor of this confrontation who will mate with the
female. She, of course, probably won’t want either of you two knuckleheads after
such a childishly idiotic display. I feel safe in saying that, over the millennia, men
have settled more arguments with brute force than with an impressive display of
logic, if only because of the existence of women. They make us do stupid things.

Women consider arguing similar to making love. It’s an emotional connection for a
women. Men wonder why women like to argue. It’s for the same reason they like
making love to you, you idiot. It’s an emotional connection which strengthens the
bond between you two. It’s not necessarily that she’s angry with you, though she
may well be, so watch yourself, but rather that she desires the experience of that
connection with you in a very tangible manner. If, however, she is pissed at you

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 and an emotional bond is the last thing on her mind, then you’d best find the
section in this book concerning the fine art of arguing and why it would be a really
good idea if you, the man, avoided it at all costs.

• Driving. Men, being goal oriented, drive in order to reach a destination. While not
exactly tunnel vision, a man will expend every effort to not detract from this goal.
This is usually because there’s a game soon on which he doesn’t want to miss. Any
mention of a side trip, unplanned excursion or spur-of-the-moment spree,
therefore, should be quickly dealt with in one of the following ways;

♂ Ignore the comment and attempt to change the subject.

♂ Say there’s no time since you need to get home to feed the [dog, kid, bird].
♂ Say that you were just there last week.
♂ Say it’s getting dark and statistics have shown that there is a greater danger
of an accidents occurring when driving in the dark.
♂ Say it’s raining and statistics have shown that there is a greater danger of an
accident occurring when driving in the rain.
♂ Say it’s Sunday and it’s a day of rest.

One of the biggest time wasting activities one can engage in while driving, from a
man’s perspective, is sitting in a car not going anywhere. Such a scenario might
take place while looking at a map or asking for directions. These sorts of activities
are not in any man’s plan. Can you picture it, your man saying, “Well, let’s just go
for a drive and we’ll stop along the way to ask for directions.” It’s not going to
happen. A man will drive to the ends of the Earth and back again to get where he’s
going before stopping to ask for directions. Thankfully, he will usually need to stop
for gas at which point the woman can hop out and simply ask someone for
directions while the man pretends to be occupied with the petrol and whatnot.

Women, being more process oriented, enjoy the trip along the way in a manner
which is completely foreign to a man. She is more than happy to linger, peruse,
saunter, mosey, and basically spend time on the journey, arriving eventually at the
appointed destination. A woman will think nothing of stopping to ask for directions

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 several times during an excursion. This is the reason that, as opposed to what y’all
might think and everything else being equal, men and women tend to get to their
respective destinations in about the same amount of time. It’s simply because men
will spend the additional time driving around lost, while a woman will use that
extra time to shop for shoes.

• Sports. Some small percentage of both men and women actually enjoy engaging in
sporting and athletic activities. They are the ones most of us watch on TV. The
lion’s share of us, however, do not raft down rivers, skydive from 2 miles aloft or
ski off of steep cliffs. Most women couldn’t give a fig one way or the other about
sports. They get all of their exercise by doing everything for everyone all the time
anyway. For most men, however, the bulk of their exercise results from flipping off
someone on the freeway, reclining on the couch, waddling to the refrigerator or
changing the TV channel using the remote. It is important for the woman to
understand just how vital sports are to a man. Much of his outlook on the future
has little to do with your relationship, potential financial status or his children’s
budding abilities. It is actually based upon the fortunes of his particular sports
team. The ebb and flow of a man’s life are intimately tied to how well his team is
currently doing in the standings. If you understand this, you have a good chance of
understanding men.

Women do not usually care about or watch sports on TV. The glaring exception to
this rule are the rabid female football fans in Green Bay, Wisconsin. This is a scary
bunch. I have noticed, however, that some college-aged women seem to be very
interested in Curling (I knew a broom-man, uh, woman once, uh, twice) and they
will even watch reruns of the latest Curling highlights on TV. This seems to be an
emerging trend - stay tuned for further developments.

• Marriage. Most men are secretly happy to get married, even though they may
appear otherwise. From their perspective they now no longer need to exercise,
they now have someone to feed and pick-up after them and they now get more or
less regular sex. All things which had been missing in his bachelor life. This is the
mind set of the average man entering into marriage. It is not complicated and is

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 relatively straight forward to understand. Women, however, even when faced with
a veritable mountain of evidence, refuse to believe this about their men. She wants
to believe that he feels the same way that she does. Trust me, he doesn’t.

The woman is entering into the marriage in about the same fashion as the original
engineers approached the building of the Panama Canal. This is going to be a big
job. She’s got ideas, project plans, scale models. Your den has been designed,
wallpaper patterns have been picked-out and matched to bedspreads, the garden
visualized 4 years hence and on and on and on. To a woman, a marriage means
that the work bell has rung, it’s time to put down that coffee cup, roll-up your
sleeves and get your ass to work. This is why woman make great project
managers. To a man, that same bell means that it’s time to clock-out, relax, kick
the shoes off, loosen the belt, turn on the TV and have a few brewski’s.

• Hair. Men will typically deal with their hair just once in the morning by toweling it
dry and combing. That’s pretty much the end of it. Hair care products for a man
are limited to shampoo and perhaps the occasional use of Rogaine®. Although this
is the simple ritual of the man with hair, the man without will feel as though he is
walking around all day with his zipper open. Men, for the most part, feel very
exposed without a full head of hair to protect his delicate scalp. This is why they
will spend thousands on those ridiculous hair plugs, toupees and the like. Men,
being the incredibly self-conscious critters they are, would be just as happy if they
could simply wear a hat all of the time. Since they cannot, their hair becomes all
the more important.

Women will spend a great deal of time and money on their hair. As important as
hair is to a man it is even more so to a woman. The number of hair care products
which are used by the average woman is staggeringly mind-boggling. I have spent
a great deal of time studying the many and varied hair care products used by
women. This is because I had a girlfriend who would not allow any reading
material into the bathroom, and so I was relegated to reading whatever was at
hand. Two of my favorites over the years have been “Sea Mudd” which had the
bouquet of a well used rugby shoe and “Hair Salad” which provided me with loads

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 of humorous material - until she up and left me that is. Before she left, however,
the following event had transpired which I’d like to relate to you:

Years ago, back when I was dating, a hair-raising event took place
which I had attempted to purge from my memory, but alas cannot.
This was at a time when I did not own a car, and so my date was
coming to pick me up. Long blond hair, young hard body, head full of
hearts, butterflies and sparkly things she arrived skidding to a stop in
front of my apartment. Seeing her reach up to close her sunroof, I
rushed back into the bathroom to douse myself with an additional pint
of the cologne I had purchased at the local gas station. I didn’t know
whether to crap or pass-out as I waited in the bathroom for her to
knock on the door. Hyperventilating I was still waiting for that knock
some minutes later. Some wondering about the lack of her presence, I
went over to the front window and saw that she was sitting in her car
honking her horn. So, I went out to see what was up. Her door was
open. I said, “Hi, what’s up?”. It was then I noticed her car keys on
the ground next to my feet. Looking up I then noticed a fistful of her
long blond hair caught in her closed sun roof. She had apparently
closed the sunroof on her hair by accident and, startled by the tug
when she tried to get out, dropped her car keys just out of reach. This
was a new one. Let me give you a bit of advice here; doing anything
in this situation other than rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically
would probably be acceptable. Whether because of embarrassment or
anger, she simply drove off once I had retrieved her keys for her,
never to be seen again.

• Tools. Men love their tools. And the more tools the better. With their tools they
can do anything, build anything, fix anything, break anything. A man would rather
settle things with tools than with conversation. It would be safe to say that just as
language and conversation are useful tools for women, tools are useful tools for
men. Wow, I think I need another beer. So, in order to understand a man, you’ll
want to understand his tools. You will be able to tell how a man will care for you
by observing how he cares for his tools. Doesn’t that suck? Well, yes, but then
again you’re dealing with men here, so be thankful that he cares for anything at all.

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 Now, getting back to his tools, observe; does he leave them just lying around on
the workbench all greasy and unwashed after using them (where’s the afterglow
dammit)? Or, does he lovingly wash and clean them after use and place them back
safely and carefully into their storage areas?

Here is how women think of men’s tools. I was fixing a cabinet door one Saturday
morning when my sweetie came sauntering over and, for whatever reason, stuck
her face into my toolbox. Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever done that before.
She arose with a grimace and declared, “Your toolbox stinks”. I could not believe
what I was hearing. This is something a man would have never considered. I stuck
my face in there and guess what, my toolbox stunk! It smelled like a boat-load of
3-day-old mackerel heads. While this may be interesting, I’m just not sure what, if
anything, to do about it. Empty my toolbox and wash it out? Absurd! Spray some
deodorizer in there? I think not. Tools are tools, what can I say?

* Men *
The following exercises were designed to help you men cope with things that you could
probably cope with just fine on your own if you had the inclination. It is quite likely,
however, that you do not which is why we’re doing this. I’m talking about your home
environment as well as your woman. The problem as women see it is that men just aren’t
usually interested in what’s going on in his local environment. That, unfortunately often
includes her. But the truth is that women just don’t understand.

Men are looking at the big picture, they don’t have time to deal with the details. Men are
worrying about big issues like global finance, space exploration, the mysteries of the deep
sea. They don’t have time for the more mundane such as their Children’s birthdays, your
wedding anniversary or the household budget. They have only so much room in their
heads for useful information and so reserve that space for things like the lifetime batting
averages for all of the New York Yankees through the 2003 season. If this were not the
case, these exercises would not be necessary. Sadly it is, and so they are.

Exercise 5.1 - Listening

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Why do you, a man, need to listen to your woman? The short answer is so
that you will know when you’re in trouble. The long answer is so that you will
understand your woman better than any man has understood any woman ever
before. Yeah, right. Just try to pay attention here. Listening to your woman is
very important. The reason is that women love to talk. This is the manner in
which women not only communicate verbally but communicate their feelings
as well. Men can barely communicate verbally let alone effectively transmit
anything associated with their feelings. That is, of course, unless they need to
punch someone who really needs punching. In this manner, men feel
comfortable in communicating their feelings to one another.

However, as important as listening is, often observing can be an even more

fruitful endeavor. The art of observation will allow you to understand what
your woman needs, in addition to what she says she wants. And what she
generally wants is jewelry. Are you listening? Another reason why the art of
observation is often more fruitful than listening is because often you, the man,
will not know what she, the woman, is talking about. There could be many
reasons for this but some of the more common are discussed below:

• Focus. You’re not paying attention. This is usually the case 99% of the
time when you cannot understand what she is saying. You can
determine if this is the problem by making an effort to pay attention to
her and see if that helps. If it does then focus may have been your
problem. For example, right now your probably thinking about the
sword fighting scene with the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts.
Yeah, those skeletons. See, this is what I’m talking about; focus.

• Message garbled. She understands what it is she wants to say, it’s just
that sometimes it doesn’t come out the way she’d intended. While a
man may be completely lost in this sort of conversation, another
woman will usually understand what is being said without ambiguity.
An example of this paradox is a conversation which occurred between
two female co-workers in my office some years ago. One had just put

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 an interoffice mail envelope addressed to HR into a mail slot outside
our office door, when the other said she needed an envelope to send
the same generic form to HR. The first then said to her, “I just put my
thing in the thing, you can put your thing into my thing if you want”.
She then went out and put her thing into the thing. I was lost.

• They hit pause. Some truly remarkable women have the ability to
begin a conversation at one point in time, get side tracked for awhile,
and then return back to that original conversation without missing a
beat. Now, while this may not sound like anything special, consider the
possibility that the period of time between the point at which the
conversation had initially paused and then had subsequently continued
again could be days or weeks. If you are in a relationship with a
woman such as this, then you’ve got your work cut-out for you. As
soon as she begins talking to you, your first few seconds are going to
be spent going back in time to see if this is a continuation of some
previously unfinished conversation, or simply a new one. Eventually
you’ll get really good at this and she won’t have to wait for you to
catch up.

As I’ve said, it is very important that a man learn to listen to his woman. It is
imperative that you not only listen, but pay attention and try to understand
what she is saying as well. Women occasionally demand this - paying attention
to them that is. What does it mean to pay attention to someone? It means to
focus on what a person is doing or saying. If you don’t understand all of what
she’s saying (and this does happen to us guys, sometimes we only get part of
it), then make her start again and try to pay attention this time. She’ll be
pissed, but in the long run it’s better than misunderstanding what she’s saying.

Given that you have a large number of important things on your mind (why
didn’t they just kill Gilligan and be done with it?) the question can be asked;
while she’s talking to you, just how intently should you focus? Depends upon
the conversation. For example, you’re on the couch watching the game and

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she is busy wrapping something and talking about a wedding present for some
distant relative of hers. It doesn’t matter if anyone is listening or not, she is
still talking away. It’s a good thing that she is talking, it’s a very good thing. In
this situation you probably don’t need to do much in the way of listening.
Occasionally smiling in her direction and saying, “Yes darling, I think that
would be a wonderful idea”, would probably be just fine.

However, if she is hell bent upon discussing something along the lines of your
relationship then you’d better be paying attention. You might want to try to
really make an effort. Here’s a tip; pretend that her eyes are breasts. That
usually works for me. What you want is something just this side of burning a
hole in her face with your laser-like, unwavering attention. I know this will be
difficult, but you’re going to have to try and understand everything she is
saying regardless of the rate at which it’s being conveyed. If she’s pissed, it’s
going to be like drinking from a fire hose.

Exercise 5.2 - Shopping

She doesn’t necessarily want to shop, it’s that she must shop. That is just the
way it is. Just as a shark must swim to live so must a women shop. Watching a
man shop is like watching a polar bear riding a bicycle. Yeah, they can do it,
and initially it might be entertaining, but you just know that this is not what
nature had intended. Men, being the goal oriented critters they are, always
have a destination in mind when they go to the store or, God forbid, the Mall.
They are usually very direct in their approach toward shopping. Once in the
store, and knowing what they want to buy, they locate the appropriate
department and head off toward it looking neither to the right nor to the left at
whatever merchandize may happen to be displayed.

If it is clothing he is after then simply looking at the size on the tag is

sufficient in order to determine whether or not the article of clothing will fit.
All men’s clothing are of standard sizes (xsmall, small, medium, large , xlarge,
xxlarge, etc.). All men’s clothing can also be washed together in hot water so

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you don’t need to worry about the various colors or materials. Just find
something that suits your fancy (like yet another bright orange and green
Hawaiian shirt to be added to your collection), find the right size and buy the
sucker. No sense trying the thing on, it’s a waste of time. A woman may buy
your socks and underwear in this manner, but little else. I don’t know about
shopping for bras and panties, nobody will talk to me about it. Just as well I
guess.

When women go shopping they have many things in mind and cram in many
more as the shopping experience continues throughout the day. They know
that shopping is a marathon, not a sprint. Women can shop for hours. Men can
watch sports for hours. Neither can figure out how the other does it. Much of
the shopping experience for women is shopping for clothing. Women love to
shop for clothes in the same way that men love to drink beer and watch
football. Both are very satisfying and fulfilling experiences, for those involved.
The difference, of course, is that after shopping what does a woman gain from
the experience? Clothes? Food? Household goods? Whose measure of
fulfillment does this satisfy? Now in a man’s world, if your team, for example,
has just beat the crap out of your best buddies team, then for the next week or
so life is just not going to get any better. This is fulfillment man-style.

Exercise 5.3 - Getting Ready in the Morning

If you can help her get ready in the morning by staying out of her way, you
will have done good. Whoever she is and whatever she does, she will have a
morning routine. It may begin by making and drinking 3 cups of coffee the
color and consistency of 30 weight motor oil, but it’s her routine and likely
does not involve you. In the morning she is pressed for time and the last thing
she needs is you underfoot. In her view, anything you do in the morning is a
potential problem for her to deal with, so if you can just sit quietly, watch TV
and not make a mess, everything should work out just fine.

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If she asks you to do something for her in the morning; make breakfast, pour
juice, crush-up 4 Mydol and stir into a tall glass of gin, it is your job to get it
done without bothering her with lots of stupid questions. If she has to spend
time going over every detail with you, she may as well just do it herself.
Figure it up in your own head why don’t you? I still remember (or more
accurately she will not let me forget) the morning I put the wrong type of
lotion on her back. She couldn’t believe what I had done, “I’ll be itchy all day,
what the hell is wrong with you?” I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with
me. She had to take another shower and was late for work. Beware, the road
to hell is indeed paved with good intentions made all the more slippery with
the wrong type of lotion.

Exercise 5.4 - What Does She What From Me?

What does she want from you? Oh nothing just your undying love, your
unwavering fidelity and your everlasting soul. Actually there is a real answer
to this question. And it’s not all that complicated. Above all, a woman needs
to respect her man. If you have already lost her respect, well then I’m not sure
how to help you there except to say that you’ve clearly screwed-up somehow
along the way. I know that’s not much help but it’s all I got. A woman wants
someone she can learn and grow with, someone who she can trust completely,
love deeply and can show-off to her envious friends. Think that’s difficult, try
this: What she really wants is for you not to screw-up any of her hopes and
dreams, but rather to make them all come true.

I've heard it said that a woman wants one man to satisfy all of her needs,
whereas a man wants all women to satisfy his one. I think that either desire is
just as unrealistic as the other. The problem is neither gender will admit it.
Men we know about, they’re all dogs. But women are more subtle. Women
say they want a stable man with a good job and prospects for the future, but
invariably end-up riding off into the sunset on the back of a Harley with the
guy who doesn’t have a checking account. Go figure.

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 * Women *
There is only a single exercise in this section for you women. There is really not much to
do in this exercise other than to try your best to understand why men do those things they
do. The reason is simple; it’s in their nature. You may as well ask why gophers have to dig
holes in the ground and eat your garden. It’s in their nature. It is why the scorpion stings
and the vampire bat sucks blood, that’s just the way it is. You can try to hold back the
ocean or you can learn to live with what may seem like insane behavior. So, if you have
decided to give insane behavior a go, then the following information may give you some
insight into the dusty and cob-web encrusted recesses of the male psyche.

Exercise 5.5 - Why Men Do What They Do?

It is a thumb-sucker isn’t it? A head-scratcher if there ever was one. Men seem
to do the strangest things for no apparent reason. Notice I say “seem”. While
this may seem the case to the uninitiated, let me assure you that there are very
good reasons for each and everything that a man does. Good, valid reasons.
Yeah, very valid. So, sit back and relax while I take you on a tour of some of
the more important events in a man’s world. Hopefully this will throw some
kindling on that fire which has no doubt been smoldering in your brain for
many years now.

• Watching Sports. After the hell of working all week long in the salt
mines (this works much better if you do, in fact, work in a salt mine) a
man needs to unwind and relax. This period of relaxation, colloquially
known as the “weekend”, is that uninterrupted span of time which
allows a man to recover from the previous work week and prepare for
the one quickly approaching on its heels. In order to properly unwind
a man needs to watch sports on TV.

For the woman who is contemplating this man-like behavior she may
ask herself if the same would not apply to her? She is in need of R&R
as well but the question remains, just what it is she would do all
weekend? Watch sports and eat Cheetos? What kind of life is that?
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 Well, from the male perspective it’s a great way of life. Pretty much
what we pictured the Pharos doing in ancient Egypt on a Sunday
afternoon. You need to realize that men are very visually oriented. So
much so that each weekend, while his keester is parked in front of the
TV, it is really as if he is out there playing along side of his sports
heroes. He imagines himself tackling running backs, running the bases
of the baseball diamond, catching those passes falling just out of reach
of the worlds greatest receivers.

It would be a sight to behold, no? Your 54-year-old, 192lb husband,

who has not done a lick of exercise since the President’s Physical
Challenge back in '74, running down the field, his pasty white legs
glaring in the sunlight dodging hoards of tacklers the size of Buick’s.
Dodging left, leaping right, looking like the super star he imagines
himself to be, he plays both offense and defense the entire game.
Afterwards he is, once again, carried off the field on the shoulders of
his teammates and awarded the game ball. You know however, as you
look down at him sleeping on the couch, Cheeto dust powdering him a
light orange from stem to stern, that he’s good for maybe 7 minutes or
so, then he’s off to sleep as soundly as a newborn.

• I don’t need no stinkin' help. He’s right - he don’t need no stinkin'

help. He can break it all by himself. This is what men do, they work on
things. They fix things that do not work and they break things that do.
This is what men do, and he would prefer to do it all by himself. In the
unlikely event that a man should need help then he’ll ask for it by
either turning blue or by leaking blood. Women have a difficult time
with this concept as they prefer to do things with others, in groups.

Now lots of men don’t mind another guy watching while he’s working.
That’s a guy thing. Men, however, do not typically enjoy women
watching as they feel that there’s a criticism just awaitin' to be leveled.
Guys enjoy learning on their own, which means that mistakes are just

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 part of the process and, as such, are no big deal. That’s what plaster,
paint, wallpaper, paneling, tape, bondo, siding, mastic, band-aids,
stitches and glue are for. They’re for learning. Women don’t get this,
they would rather have a plan, a design. They would rather do it right
the first time. Well what the hell do you expect to learn from that?
Planning like that is not likely to result in a lost finger tip or a missing
eye brow. Before you can learn to do something right, you need to
experience all of the ways to do it wrong. That’s what it means for a
man to learn. If it’s good enough for my dad then it’s good enough for
me.

• Stand behind me woman, I'll protect you. Men protect their

property and their women. That’s another thing that they do, they
protect. If you’re his woman, then it’s his duty to protect you - even if
it’s nothing more than running just a bit slower than you while trying
to escape a pack of hungry wolves. Men enjoy the concept of
protecting their home and family, but when it comes to the practice of
protection it may be a different matter. It depends on the possibility
that he may own a gun. Men love guns - most men, most guns. He
may love his gun, but the real question here is if everyone wouldn’t be
much safer if he just had a baseball bat. Though the sight of your
protector of a man sneaking around the house in his boxers sporting a
baseball bat may deter a would-be thief, remember that there is
nothing like to noisy dog to get the job done right.

• Dinner? Most men can manage with both breakfast and lunch (or
what y’all in the south call dinner). Although they would usually prefer
something along the lines of biscuits and gravy, ham and eggs,
potatoes, juice and coffee, men can scrounge around in the fridge and
come up with something for breakfast. The same is often true of lunch.
This is because almost all men have had to live on their own at some
point in their lives, and when needed that old bachelor imprinting
kicks-in once again. His concern, first and foremost, is the question of

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who’s going to make him dinner. His expectation is that you, his
woman, will be there in the kitchen just a-cookin' away. He wouldn’t
at all expect you to be lounging your lazy butt around like he’s doing
all weekend because if you both are laying around ain’t much feedin' a-
getin' done. This will likely result in a number of problems which are
best avoided.

From my vast experience as a bachelor, and having lived with many a

pathetic bachelor in my time, I have amassed a wealth of knowledge as
to what is edible and what is not. I will, thankfully, not delve into the
subcategory of that which is temporarily edible. It may be interesting
to note that at one point in my life I was very poor. I was attending
college at UC Santa Cruz and at times literally had no money. Though
I did always have a roof over my head, having a decent meal each day
was often another story. I remember particularly one 3 week stretch
during which I had nothing to eat but what I had grown in a small
garden. Fortunately I had, some months earlier, planted Swiss chard,
green onions, rhubarb, brussel sprouts and turnips. Imagine living on
this bill-a-fare for 3 weeks, it was horrible. So, as my gift to the
women out there, I give to you the standard secret bachelor menu for
any man, for any meal, at any time:

♂ Ketchup on crackers. This is the basic bachelor breakfast

when you’re a college student on financial aid and don’t have
pickles. This is fast, filling (if you eat enough) and will keep
that waistline of a 14-year-old girl on you much longer. Don’t
skimp on the quality of the Ketchup. Trust me on this one.

♂ Mustard with relish on crackers. This is usually for special

occasions such as a wedding. Get the little packets of mustard
and relish when you buy a $0.99 hot dog at your local fast
food oasis. Make sure you fill all of your pockets with the
packets. These packets do not need to be refrigerated, they last

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 virtually forever, they’re easy to transport and are filled with
flavor.

♂ Ketchup soup. This is simply ketchup and hot water, but may
be flavored with bread or small hard lemon-flavored candies. It
has kept may men alive, but not for long and not happily. If
you are really down to nothing but ketchup soup be aware that
there are many other things which can be dissolved in water
and, thus, make soup. Experiment, you’ll be surprised.

♂ Peanut butter on crackers. This is a special occasion food, a

rare treat indeed. Peanut butter is actually real food, not just
the makings of real food. As such, it is not cheap and so cannot
be a daily undertaking. Also, peanut butter will require that you
drink something while eating. This is an added expense at a
point in time when pennies may be all that you have because of
college tuition, alimony or child support. What you really want
is a food that supplies its own liquid, like a tomato or a orange.
As my Asian roommate once stated, “One stone, two bird”.

♂ Cheese on crackers. Although relatively inexpensive, cheese

can only be eaten in quantities which may be insufficient to
satisfy your hunger. Of course, you can woof down a hunk of
cheese the size of your head if you really want. But if you do,
you’re not likely to crap again until the sun becomes a lump of
coal about the size of the hunk of cheese you just ate. So,
that’s why this has been labeled as one of our ‘occasional
delicacies’.

♂ Bread and crackers. These are interchangeable with respect to

what can be put on or between them. Pretty much anything can
be wrapped in bread and made into a sandwich. I have seen
sandwiches made out of spaghetti and meatballs, space food

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 sticks, dry potato spuds, frozen spinach, ½ stick of butter,
Chinese food, oatmeal, unflavored cracklings, an Aba-Zaba and
12 broken taco shells. Bread and crackers can also be eaten by
themselves, but they don’t provide the sensory satisfaction that
something like, say Ketchup soup with pickles, does.

♂ Bread with chocolate. This is usually not within the domain of

the typical bachelor as he would not likely have chocolate in
the house. The belief is that if there is chocolate in the house
then there is probably a woman somewhere in the vicinity as
well. So, this is usually something to which a man must resort
if his wife or girlfriend has simply gone to visit her sister for a
few days and there is nothing else to eat. This also applies to
chocolate cake as well since it is essentially bread, eggs, milk
and chocolate anyway.

♂ Cup of Noodles. If you’re really on a budget, Cup-O-Noodles

is definitely the way to go. Solid food pieces and a pasta-like
material mixed with a relatively yummy liquid, makes for a
very satisfying and economical meal. You can live for years, up
to 4 it would seem, on nothing but Cups-o-Noodles. There are
many varieties and flavors, they travel easily, the packaging
also becomes the bowl. Clearly, I just can’t say enough.

♂ Macaroni and Cheese. Macaroni is a seemingly magical

substance. When you combine macaroni and cheese you are
inexplicably able to eat as much cheese as you’d like without ill
effects. This is what I seem to remember anyway, or maybe I
just dreamt it. I was going to test it out for you, but since I’ve
not been single for sometime I’ve not had the opportunity to
eat as much as I want. Sort of ironic that I couldn’t eat as
much as I wanted to when I was unmarried, because I was
poor. Now I can’t eat as much as I want because I’m married. I

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 do, however, now get to have macaroni with two different
kinds of cheeses when I do get to have macaroni and cheese.
Pure heaven.

♂ Inedibles. There are some items that are sold in the markets
which are actually inedible, but single men will actually attempt
to eat. The only explanation for this habit seems to be that
men, like many primates, will attempt to eat a great variety of
things found in his environment simply to find out what can be
safely ingested. Men quickly find that many items which can be
purchased cannot, however, be eaten. For example; vegemite
(which is just yeast and 3 different kinds of salt), tofu, spam,
anchovy paste, green apples, sardines, beef melts, raw
horseradish, beef tongue, okra, beef brains, silver cake balls
and tripe have all been found to cause severe gastric distress
and should be avoided.

• Laundry? In a word, no. If you don’t know why by now, you will
soon find out. You’ll want to keep men as far away from the laundry
as possible. It’s not that men don’t know the difference between an
article of clothing and an article in the newspaper, they don’t. It’s that
given any two pieces of clothing, he would not have the ability to
determine which one is clean and one which is dirty. Though his sense
of smell is as good as anyone’s, the problem seems to be in the
interpretation. Often something which is clean might smell worse to a
man than does something which is not. This is another paradox of the
male mind, don’t ask why let’s just deal with the issue.

Now if by chance he does get the idea into his head to go and do the
laundry, you just know it’s going to be a disaster. First of all, there is
no concept as to the separation of white and non-white clothing. In a
man’s mind, clothes go in, soap goes in, clothes get washed, clothes
get dried, clothes get folded, job is done. This includes sweaters as

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 well. What you will end-up with is a light pink or gray wardrobe for
your Barbie-doll collection. Note that, for men, this same basic
concept is applicable to dishes in the dishwasher as well. Dishes go in,
dishes get washed. What didn't melt in the process gets put away.

Finally, for men there is a distinct lack of understanding with regard to

the uses of hot and cold water with respect to the laundry. Men
believe that to truly get clothing clean the hottest water possible
should always be used. Enough said?

• Cleaning the house. Men know all about house cleaning, or Spring
cleaning as we called it back in Bachelor training, and are actually
fairly good at it. Cleaning will occur each Spring or just prior to
moving out of an apartment. Particularly if we were required to put
down a significant cleaning deposit. So, what men will typically do is
to start by buying a pony keg and some cleaning supplies as he may
not have had these beforehand. Next he’ll call some friends to get
together for a kegger.

You may wonder where this is going, but stay with me here. Men will
begin this effort by getting all liquored-up (this, of course, is how
many a man-adventure begins) and then get into the cleaning supplies.
Any small voice in his head warning him about the possibility that
things could get out of hand has long ago been found floating face-
down at the bottom of his beer glass. They are there to have fun, and
what fun they will have. Picture it: Drunk, unsupervised men. The
concept is disconcerting to say the least. Several hours later a quick
inspection will reveal quite a bit of paint rubbed off of the walls, large
areas of bleached-out carpet, several broken windows, a cracked toilet
bowl, a goat where there had been no goat before, a small smoldering
fire, and a hole in the ceiling through which you can now see stars.
This is what I mean by things getting out of hand.

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• The Three Stooges. Finally I would like to say just a few words
concerning the mystique surrounding a man’s fascination with the
Three Stooges: Woo-woo-woo, nyug-nyug-nyug, a-cha-cha-cha. Hey
Moe! You knucklehead! Ok, I just had to get that out of my system.
What can I say, I'm a guy. The Three Stooges embody all that is good
in a man’s world: Guys working together and slapping each other
around. I don’t think it gets any more complicated than that.

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 Habit #6
Synergize, then Compromise
I remember back when I was young my Mom saying to me, “Get out of the damned
bathroom. What are you doing in there day and night? Give someone else a chance why
don’t you.” Wait, no that wasn’t it. It was my Dad who said, “Son, remember this; women
are crazy and men are stupid.” And I have remembered that, pretty much at the expense of
everything else, ever since. So, being a male I must then ask myself, am I stupid? If I was,
how would I know? Plenty of past girlfriends would, I’m sure, attest to the fact that yes I
am. But what makes them experts? How would they know anyway, they’re crazy!

Is this, indeed, true? At some basic level are women really crazy, and are men really
stupid? I would say, based upon a page full of numbers I just wrote down here in two
relatively neat columns, that yes these statements are true when it comes to relationships.
Knowing this about your partner may give you a bit of insight into their mannerisms,
mood swings, phobias, unique customs, off-beat habits and nervous tics. This insight can
also help you and your partner to live in close proximity without killing each other. True
Prozac is easier and a TV cheaper, and they will both accomplish the same thing, but they
lack that 'personal' touch.

If you intend to spend your life, or what remains of it, with your partner then learning to
work together is imperative. This is where ‘synergy’ comes in. To synergize means to
work together for the mutual benefit of both parties. This is not an easy thing to explain let
alone accomplish, but the benefits certainly outweigh the effort expended in perfecting this
habit. It has been said that a relationship begins with two people looking at each other and
at some point they end-up looking in the same direction. Nice, eh? But, of course, none of
this can take place without proper communication. The problem with communication is
that it works just fine until someone begins talking. Then all bets are off. Though talking
can solve many problems it can also lead to much confusion. Much of the confusion is
rooted in the fact that there is usually no prior agreement of terms. This, I believe, is the
basis for most misunderstandings between men and women. The fact that each simply use
language differently. To each gender, words or phrases may have different meanings.

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So, in order to promote better communication between the sexes, I have developed a set
of “Male / Female Translation Tables” which were designed in order to help each gender
understand the other. To use these tables, simply find the appropriate word or phrase for
your situation on the left, and find its likely meaning on the right. Note that there are often
two possible meanings, their use dependant upon the situation. The likely meaning, which
is the one used most of the time, will be accurate for almost all conceivable situations.
There is also a less likely alternative meaning which is often reserved for those rare
occasions in which one partner wants to confuse the crap out of the other.

In the tables below only those words and phrases which are most often misunderstood by
the other gender are included. This list is constantly being revised and updated, so if there
are additional words or phrases which I may have missed or translated in error please do
not hesitate to notify me and I’ll make the necessary changes.

When a Woman says... She probably means... But, she could also mean...
No. No. Hell No.
Yes. Yes. Maybe.
Maybe. Yes. No.
You idiot. Why did I marry you? You idiot.
Where were you last night? I already spoke to a lawyer. I already threw out your clothes.
Do you love me? Where were you last night? I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant. Marry me. You might be the father.
We're pregnant. We're getting married. You're the father.
You're in big trouble. I'm pregnant, you're the father Someone else is pregnant and
and you should tell my husband. you're the father.
My parents are coming over. Stock-up on the Alcohol. Find a movie to go to so I can tell
them you're at work.
Your parents are coming over. Stock-up on the Prozac. I'll find a movie to go to.
I Love You. Marry Me. Buy me things.
Marry Me. I Love You. Buy me things.
Buy me things. Buy me things. Buy me things.
I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going to the Islands to hang-
out with Sergio the cabana boy.
I'm leaving you. I'm leaving you, unless you shape You've had you're chance, I'm
up mister. gone like your future paychecks.

And now for the men. Yes it’s true, men don’t always mean what they say either. Though
not nearly as complex as the woman’s translation table, this has its surprises as well. So, it
is to be used in the same fashion, find the word phrase which best reflects your situation in
the left hand column and its likely meaning on the right.

When a Man says... He probably means... But, he could also mean...

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No. No. Hell No.
Yes. Yes. I'll ask my wife.
Maybe. I'll ask my wife. No.
I didn't know. You should have told me. I guess I should have known.
Where was I last night? Come-on brain, you can do it. Where are my clothes?
Do you love me? Let's have sex. Let's have sex.
You're pregnant? Bye. Bye.
We're pregnant? Wake-up, wake-up, wake-up. Who’s the father?
I'm in big trouble? I'm in big trouble! I'm in big trouble!
My parents are coming over. I'm outta here. I hope they bring Alcohol.
Your parents are coming over. I hope they bring Alcohol. I'm outta here.
I Love You. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.
Marry Me. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.
Let me buy you things. Let's have sex. Let's have sex.
I'm going on a Business Trip. I'm going off to have an affair. I'm going to Reno to hang-out
with Cindy the Keno waitress.
I'm leaving you. I've got a younger chick who's too Come with us and we'll live like
dumb to see through my crap. Hippies in a commune.

Synergy. It comes in many forms and might be found in places you’d never thought to
look. In the past I’ve had the privilege of living in an area where mushrooms where
plentiful during the rainy months. Love them mushrooms, I do. Growing in that area were
many examples of trees and mushrooms growing together, side by side. They had formed
symbiotic relationships which was a benefit to both life forms. In fact, these relationships
allowed both to thrive better than either might have done separately.

Fungus aside, in most people-based relationships these sorts of co-operative partnerships

are of great benefit not only to both parties involved, but to the relationship as a whole.
This is all well and good, you say, but how does one actually go about accomplishing this
sort of thing? I mean, how do you go about forming a synergistic relationship with
someone who thinks that chewing tobacco is an appetizer or that shopping for shoes is the
pinnacle of personal fulfillment. Well I’m glad you asked because, it’s exercise time.

* Men *
These exercises are not easy in that they involve actually interacting with your woman. I
know that for we men it’s much easier (and far more preferable) if we can just go off by
ourselves and ponder the mystery’s of the universe, solve them, and then at some point
come back a wiser and more enlightened person. Not so with these exercises. Here we will
be going against that basic nature of man. In these exercises you will get to do things
together. Go on, tell me this isn’t going to be fun. I know you can’t wait, so let’s get to it.
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 Exercise 6.1 - Doing Things Together
If you are to actually achieve some sort of synergistic relationship then it is
imperative that you do things together and that you not wind up killing each
other as a result. Every time I remember my mom and dad attempting to wall
paper our kitchen together back when I was a youngster it gives me
nightmares and sets my therapy back by about a year. All I recall was a blur of
shouting and wheat paste resulting in a functionally unusable kitchen for some
period of time. My advice would be to simplify the entire concept of doing
things together and just go shopping with her.

• Shopping. Go shopping with her. I don’t know any better way to ease
you into this subject. There is no more useful time you can spend with
her than shopping. You will learn everything there is to learn about
your woman by going shopping with her. Now as far as men need to
be concerned about there are only two types of shopping. Shopping
for food and shopping for clothing. To her it doesn’t matter what she’s
shopping for, she loves shopping. You probably see shopping as a
necessary evil. This is going to be difficult unless you appear to change
your attitude about shopping. Notice I said ‘appear’, nobody expects
miracles to happen here.

Now I wouldn’t expect you to actually enjoy shopping since it’s not a
natural state for men. Killing something rather than pulling it down off
a shelf is more in keeping with what a man would consider a fun-filled
afternoon. Regardless of how you feel about shopping, you’re going to
need to appear to enjoy it, because if you do not, then she will not
want you to go with her. While this may sound like the best of all
possible worlds it is not, trust me. She would really love it if you
enjoyed shopping as much as she does, which is not going to be
possible but it’s a nice thought. So, let’s go through each type of

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shopping experience so that you will know what to expect. It’s the
Devil you don’t know, that's the one you have to worry about, right?

♂ Shopping for Food. Note that she might call this “Going to
the store” as opposed to using the word shopping. Often the
term shopping is reserved for anything other than food, which
is usually going to be clothing or shoes. Food shopping is the
best that the shopping experience will get for a man, and most
men don’t even realize it. What I think most men fail to realize
is that supermarkets are absolutely great! It’s because that’s
where all the stuff is; the beer, the chips, the dips, all the Bar-
B-Que makin's and fixin's. Everything you could ever want
and it’s all in one convenient place. Wow, my eyebrows are
sweating just thinking about it.

But there’s a catch here. If you go shopping with her, and

start piling the kind of crap you really want into the basket,
she will make you put all of that stuff back on the shelves and
wait for her in the car. So, consider another approach. When
you’re walking down an aisle and come upon something that
you really want (say the potato chips with extra salt and real
fat), pick it up looking skyward and say to her, “You know,
we haven’t had your parents over for a barbeque in quite a
while.” She will be stunned for about 10 seconds during which
you can quickly put the bag of chips into the cart. You need to
quickly follow this up with additional planning for the meal
with beer, ribs, dips, potato salad, etc. etc. Get the idea? You
can pretty much have whatever you want as long as you say
it’s for something that will really please her.

♂ Shopping for Clothes. This is real shopping. If you have

never gone shopping with a woman who is shopping for
clothes, then brother you haven’t lived. Here is what’s likely

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to transpire when you go clothes shopping with a woman.
You will get into the store of her choice in which half of the
clothing looks like it’s made of burlap and the other half from
an old leather couch. You may see a sad cadre of men sitting
or lingering waiting impatiently for their women, but more
often than not there will only be other women in the store. If
they notice you at all, it will only be to admire the woman to
whom you belong.

To begin with, do not comment on any article of clothing

unless she asks you for your opinion. If she is not wearing it,
ask her to try it on. She will love this as it’s a good indicator
of your interest. You need to remember that much of what
she’s picking out will be in hopes that it’s something you will
like. It’s important that you like what she thinks you’ll like.
Realistically, you probably don’t care about her wardrobe as
long as she doesn’t leave the house looking like a hooker. Oh,
don’t get me wrong, she can look like a hooker. She just can’t
leave the house.

You need to know up front that going shopping with her for
clothing will be an all day excursion. Don’t expect to get back
for that 1:00PM kick-off or even the 6:00 game. That’s right,
you’re going to not only be with her the entire day, but you’re
also going to spend a large part of it discussing her wardrobe.
While shopping, make sure that you don’t whine and
complain. If you do go with her, make sure it’s a pleasant
experience for you both; get that in your head up front. To
quote one of the greatest movies of all time, “You’re going to
get your mind right.” Yes, this is quite the sacrifice on your
part, but the good part is that she will understand this and
will, in some uniquely female fashion, reciprocate.

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I would again like to suggest that you try not to engage in doing too much
together other than shopping. My Ex and I used to do things together. Quite a
few things in fact ranging from skydiving and rafting to arguing and fighting.
It was almost always fun and exciting. Yeah, fun. Let me relate to you an
event which occurred some 8 years ago.

During that impetuous decade of the 90's, we all said and did
some crazy things. I was no exception. As I was losing my hair
anyway, I decided to spend most of that decade bald. Yes, I had
no hair. I enjoyed the ease with which hair care could now be
accomplished, and my Ex liked the look. Plus she had some
interesting and unexpected uses for a bald head. I can’t relate the
specifics of that here, but if interested you can always pick-up my
new Sex Manual for Real Couples called, “Ouch, get off my hair!”.

So, back to the story. The way in which I would achieve this
baldness was through a synergistic process in which we could
both share. She shaved my head in the shower. Though this was
not a time consuming process, she quickly tired of the fun and
suggested an alternative. Her idea, which now looking back in
retrospect still sounds good, was to wax my head. Wax my head?
Sure, she did it all the time on her legs and arms. It was no big
deal, just a little hot wax and off comes the hair - no problem.
Well, it sounded good to me. I mean, a little hot wax? Come on I
was a man, I could take the pain of a little hot wax. Particularly
when here was this petite little woman, barely 100lbs. if that, who
had certainly endured so much more pain than this all in the
name of vanity, modesty or fashion.

OK, hot wax out of the microwave, towel over shoulders, head
over sink. Smelled and looked a bit like honey. She spread it on
the top of my head with what appeared to be a thick Popsicle
stick. It was very hot, but not agonizingly so. I had let my hair
grow for about 12 days prior to the wax being applied. My Ex said
that the wax needed something to grab onto. Sounded like solid
logic to me. So, now the wax had been applied and it was time to

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 gently peel it off. “No, you don’t peel it off. You rip it off”, she
corrected. I couldn’t quite picture what she was saying and was
about to begin to ponder the position I had gotten myself into
when she added, “...and we’d better hurry because the wax is
cooling.” Christ!

She grabbed my head in one arm, latched onto some of the wax
with the other hand, and yanked with all of her 100lb might.
Approximately 4 hairs from the front of my head actually came
out. The remainder staying firmly implanted in my scalp which
may, I think, have separated from my skull. At least that was how
if felt. The cold, hard wax felt heavy on my aching head. If there
were feathers it would have been like getting tarred and
feathered. I had to scrape the wax off of my head under warm
running water using my fingernails. It took hours. My Ex laughed
so hard she peed her pants. This is synergy.

Exercise 6.2 - Thinking about Her First

There are always struggles in every relationship. These often take the form of
power sharing strategies, most of which are selfish, self-serving and ultimately
destructive. Following the advice of these questionable philosophies, ones life
ends-up being in a never-ending and unfulfilling power struggle. Well, what if
we changed that strategy? What if both parties in the relationship tried
thinking about one another first. Quite the concept, eh? Imagine the
relationship resulting from this type of interaction.

This is very difficult initially, as there is quite a bit of trust involved. You need
to trust that your partner will be thinking of you and your needs first while
you are, in turn, thinking of theirs. Though it takes a while to get into this, it
will actually keep things in balance quite well. It actually only works,
however, if you really love and trust one another. It doesn’t work well
otherwise and the results often involve legal teams bearing writs and torts and
other such annoyances.

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• Her Birthday. Do not forget her Birthday. This is something you
don’t want to screw-up. Consider the following: I remember it like it
was yesterday. We were camping one summer; June as I remember.
After a day of fishing, water skiing and swimming my Dad, Sister and
I were sitting outside the camper waiting for dinner while Mom was in
the camper cooking. There were few trees there and my Sister was
complaining about how hot it was, when from inside the camper we
heard an odd noise. We couldn’t quite place it at first, then it grew
louder until we realized that it was Mom crying inside the camper. My
Dad ran into the camper and the sobbing quieted down after a few
seconds. After several minutes he came out of the camper, walked up
to my Sister and I, pointed a stubby finger at us and said, “You forgot
your Mother's Birthday”. And so we had. Though, it’s not possible to
apologize for that particular transgression, time does heal all wounds.
Did she ever forgive us? Yes, of course. Does she laugh about it now?
Absolutely. Will she ever forget about it? Never.

I need to repeat this once again: Do not forget her Birthday! I would
suggest that you tattoo her birth date on the inside part of your ankle.
We’ll deal with what to do about the tattoo, should you two eventually
break-up, at another time. Also, make sure that you get her something
romantic for her birthday. Do not, and I want to make this very clear,
do not buy her an automatic garage door opener for her Birthday. I
had to learn that one the hard way. This book is pure gold isn’t it?

• Your Anniversary. As romantic as your birthday present is expected

to be, the anniversary present should be even more so. Something
along the lines of a trail of red rose petals leading to the bedroom
where chilled champagne in a silver bucket and (really expensive)
jewelry on the pillow await, would be sufficient. Just as in the birthday
segment, let me issue a warning here: You’re going to want to make
sure that you put a lot of thought into the gifts for her. Gifts such as; a
lawn mower, a humidor, sheepskin seat covers, drill press, bag of golf

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 tees, or a hand-made coupon drawn in Crayola for “Some Real Lovin”
from her oh so thoughtful man, would only serve to make your life a
living hell. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so.

Let’s begin by taking a deep breath. We don’t want to panic here,

women can smell fear. What you’re going to want to do is to prepare
for your upcoming anniversary. Fortunately, what will probably happen
is that several weeks prior to your anniversary, your woman will begin
hinting around for something specific which she would like as an
anniversary present. Pay attention! You’ll never know when it will
come or what form it will take, but that hint will likely be there
somewhere. Your only job is to listen, pay attention and purchase
you’re best guess as to what it is she really wants (make sure you keep
the receipt). Note: don’t come out and just ask her what she wants.
This will only demonstrate to her, all too clearly, that you in fact know
nothing about her. Your life will become a living hell until the Grim
Reaper finally releases your tormented soul. Those who say that life is
short had never forgotten an anniversary gift. It can be long, very long.

• Birthdays & Anniversaries. This section involves the birthdays and

anniversaries of other people, such as relatives. You are, fortunately,
not required to memorize anything of this nature, this is pretty much a
given. This is good news for you as you’ve got more important things
to worry about anyway. Usually she will have a calendar somewhere
with this information written down on it. If you do find this calendar,
you’ll find it’s probably chocked-full of information concerning, not
only birthdays and anniversaries, but also upcoming events in which
you are likely to have to participate. While you may not be responsible
for knowing the details of birthdays and anniversaries, you will be
required to participate in the thoughtful gift selection.

This is so much fun for the woman, men simply have no idea. Here’s
what will happen. She has already decided on the gift you two are

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 going to give for some upcoming event. Let’s say it’s a birthday for
Aunt Rose. She’ll be 72 on Tuesday. Your woman mentions to you
that Aunt Rose’s birthday is fast approaching. Your first thought is,
“Who the hell is Aunt Rose”? But you don’t get a chance to ponder
that as she then asks you what you think Aunt Rose would like for her
birthday. You barely have a clue as to what’s happening in your own
life, let alone what a 72-year-old woman would want for her birthday.

But you are willing to make an effort and so you offer a meager
attempt at an answer and stammer something like, “Maybe a toaster”.
That’s it – you’ve screwed-up. It’s all downhill (or perhaps uphill)
from there. You will now be required to defend your ridiculous gift
selection. This is not what you want to have happen. Never offer an
actual idea for a gift. What you want to say is something along the
lines of, “Darling, you know her so well. Why don’t you pick out
something she’d love from the both of us. You have such wonderful
taste. I love you. Your hair looks wonderful.” Is that good or what?
She’ll never see through this clever ruse.

• Valentine’s Day. This is, for most men, a thoroughly forgettable

holiday. Were it not for the occasional commercial and the surprising
quantity of red and white hearts and flowers at the market, men would
likely not remember this holiday at all and would, thus, spend the next
two weeks wondering why his women is angry. Women typically
would not remind a man that Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching.
They long for a romantic evening with the man of their dreams. So
make it happen, you fool. You don’t have to deal with this but once a
year, One would think that you could put the remote down for the
time it takes to order flowers and make dinner reservations. Anything
beyond this from her man would be almost too much for most women
to comprehend, given that they know their men better than they know
themselves.

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 • Notice New Things. This is going to be difficult, you’re not going to
like it and you’re probably not going to practice anyway. I don’t even
know why I bother. Anyway, if you can possibly manage it, try to
notice and remember things about her. Her hair style, her shoes, eye
shadow, moles dresses, scars, whatever you can think of. If any of
these things change and you happen to notice, you might casually
mention to her that you think the change is wonderful (even if it’s not).
This may seem like a small thing to do, but you would be surprised
how much these seemingly simple acts mean to her.

She will feel that you are taking notice and paying attention to her.
These are good things for her to think. She wants to be the most
important person in your life and your taking an interest in her will go
a long ways towards instilling these feelings in her. Again, this is not
going to be easy, I know there are just so many things you’re going to
be able to notice let alone remember. Just do your best, she’ll
understand. She knows you probably don’t even remember what you
had for breakfast this morning and will just be thrilled at your attempt
to take a greater interest in her.

Exercise 6.3 - Why do we do it?

If we take this relationship concept to an extreme we may find ourselves, how
shall we say, married. Just exactly how we get ourselves into this position is
never very clear to the man who finds himself standing at the alter. His head is
a swirling, foggy cloud of buzzing bees that won’t let him think straight. He
feels nauseous and the last thing he can remember is being in bed with
someone (this woman next to him?) saying, “I love you too”. And now he’s
standing next to her about to say, “I do too”. So, why do we do it? Why do
men actually go ahead and get married?

A man will marry a woman in the hope that she won’t change. She will. Why
is this the case do you think? Well, I think it has to do with the way in which a

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woman sees herself in the marriage. She now has responsibility. Lot’s of
responsibilities - while a man, as soon as he becomes a husband, thinks to
himself, “This is great, someone to do all the housework and cook and sew
and sweat and toil and, not to mention, all that free sex.” First of all let’s get
something straight buster, as far as a man is concerned sex is never free. In
one way or another, you’ll pay.

The second thing I’d like to point out is that women are not likely to be of the
same opinion as to their upcoming role in the marriage. From the female
perspective, marriage is a partnership. The union of two people who will be
working toward the same goals, with the same hopes and desires for a shared
future. This means that there's work to do. Lot’s of work. Especially for you,
you lazy good-for-nothing. Her mother always said you would never amount
to anything. This is important as your woman will do whatever it takes to
prove her mother wrong, even if it means she has to take you apart and
completely rebuild you into something of which her mother would approve.

Sound insane? Well, now that you’re married it’s time to impart a bit-o-
wisdom to you. I waited until you’re already married because this wisdom
has sent many a man heading for the hills and now you’re legally bound to
stay. While it may seem that women are at times somewhat irrational, the fact
is that just below that thin outer layer of lunacy is a very solid foundation of
rationality. A rock solid foundation of logical granite it is. That foundation,
however, was seemingly constructed on an unstable gravel pit of insanity
which, if even slightly jarred, will reveal its true nature by swallowing your
pride and self-worth like a lioness on a sick gazelle.

So, one of our goals once we’re married would be to not jar this gravel pit of
whatever in any way at all. One way in which to accomplish this would be to
make sure there is never an appearance or hint of any word, action or deed
which she could misconstrue as “not being on her side”. Though as crude as
that statement may be, I don’t think I could put it any more succinctly or

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accurately. I can’t underestimate the importance of always appearing to be
with her, on her side. This is especially true in any public setting.

Years ago I ate fast food. Lots of fast food. I did this not only
because I was poor, but because my girlfriend worked at Burger
King and could get loads of food for free. I had no idea that this
stuff was clogging my arteries and would be lodged in my colon
until the Clinton is back in office. One day she and I decided to
get ourselves some free burgers. She dropped me off at the front
as I really had to use the bathroom. Once I came out of the
bathroom I noticed everyone looking out of the front window.

Looking out there as well I saw Leslie, my girlfriend, standing

next to her newly dented Le Car. She was arguing with a very
large guy standing next to a very large truck cover with lots of
small confederate flags. I ran out there to see what I could do,
which hopefully was nothing. Leslie immediately sized my arm,
shoved my face into the redneck’s huge chest and said, “Tell this
stupid ass that I didn’t hit him!” Well, alrighty then. Now we have
a memory in the making. There are precious few times when one
knows that no matter what happens within the next few seconds,
you’ll remember it for the rest of your life. That is provided, of
course, that you will be able to remember anything at all.

So, here’s what I did. I apologized. Yup, that’s what I did. If my

knees would have been able to bend I would have been down on
them, but they wouldn’t and so I wasn’t. I did, however, ask this
very large man’s forgiveness which was received in the form of a
disgusted smirk, a mispronounced expletive and a cloud of
exhaust. I attempted to explain to Leslie afterward that not only
had I not seen the accident, but that I had no desire to have my
dental work mucked with. This worked about as well as you’d
imagine it would have worked which was not at all. She said that
I should have agreed with her regardless of whether or not I had
seen the accident. She said this while packing stuff to leave. I
noticed that it was my stuff she was packing as I wondered where

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 I was going. As it turned out it didn’t much matter to her where I
went as my mutinous self was no longer welcomed. At that point
in time I didn’t understand. A few nights at the “Y” cleared things
right up for me.

* Women *
You’ve had yourself a fairly good life. Things were going fine, you had friends, hopes for
the future, dreams of a better life to come. Then from out of nowhere this big lug of a guy
comes into your life and, BAM, instant project. Your place is now a mess, you find empty
milk cartons in the fridge, you have no time for any of your friends, there’s a new yellow
stain on the bathroom floor, clothing is always cast about without regard to cleanliness,
you’ve taken up drinking in the early afternoon and you’ve only been together for three
weeks now. It will get better, trust me. That is, it will as long as you get up off of your
butt and properly train this thing which now lives in your house. So, get yourself a rolled-
up newspaper and a shock collar and let’s get to work.

Exercise 6.4 - What Have I Done?

A woman will marry a man with the hope that he will change. He won’t. He
can’t. He has no idea he should change and, even if he wanted to, doesn’t
know how. Nagging will only reinforce bad behavior and that’s not what we
want, is it? No, it isn’t. What we want is to turn this guy into something you
can take out into public, someone with whom you would be happy to share
your life. Now to be fair, it is likely that many of the things about him which
you now find annoying or unacceptable might have been perfectly fine prior to
being married. So, anything involving change will be a foreign concept to a
man since, in his opinion, you wouldn’t have married him if he had not been
perfect in the first place. Funny little man, isn’t he?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is to decide just what it is about this
guy that you want to change. Now realize, that once you really get into the
details of this, you may find that it's just easier to start over rather than to fix
this one up. That decision is yours to make, but remember: “The devil you
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know is often preferable to the one you don’t”. But before we get into the
specifics of your man, let us delve a bit more into this generic thing called
Man. Men, for the most part, are incased in a thick layer of uninformed
rational foolishness. This essentially means that they think they know what
they’re talking about, but of course they really don’t. Even if proven wrong
they don’t usually care, and that’s typically what makes men stupid. Bottom
line is that men think they know, but they don’t really know and as a result will
resist any attempt at change.

With respect to change, men don’t respond well to frontal assault. It’s much
more effective, not to mention more fun, to get them to adopt new behaviors
by virtue of your clever tactics and subterfuge rather than hitting them over
the head with kitchen implements. However, as my Grandma once said to me
while brandishing a flour covered rolling pin, “This here’s all the therapy Pa
ever needed”. So, it would seem that there is some merit to tackling these
issues head-on, but this would require a great deal of effort, arm strength and
practice as hitting a moving object with a rolling pin is not as easy as one
might think. So, assuming that you’ve decided to deal with your mans issues in
a more subtle fashion, lets take a look at some examples of changes you might
like to see in your man, and how we might go about installing these updates.

• His Hygiene. This is a real problem for some guys. If you have one
of these, one who has somehow missed the basics and fundamentals
of self preservation, then it’s up to you to correct this situation. Take
some time out of each day to go over some of the more complex
tasks with him like cutting and cleaning his finger and toenails (most
men don’t know about the cleaning part), keeping his hair washed,
the use of a very strong deodorant, using mouth wash before brushing
(he does brush doesn’t he?), and dealing with the ancient mysteries of
ear wax. Don’t let up on him here or he will quickly and happily
regress back to the state of someone living under an overpass.

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• His Friends. He has had his friends longer than he’s been with you.
His friends will remind him of this fact when they’re at a bar and he’s
drunk. He will sluringly agree with them. His friends will say things to
him like, “Let’s go find us a couple of low mileage pit-whoopees and
'em help build a memory.” Although he may not be certain of the
exact meaning, in a drunken haze this will sound like a good idea to
your man. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to remind him
of just how useless his friends really are.

You might consider getting this point across to him in a rather direct
manner, if you get my drift, while in bed together. Here is my advice.
You might consider doing something special for him, something that I
know you thought you wouldn’t have to do anymore once you were
married. It’s either that or continue to deal with his friends. It should
take no more than a few minutes of your time and should result in
your having no further problems. Also note that it would be rare to
find that any of his friends are married. Married men have single men
as friends, if only to remind them of what they had when they were
single, which was Ketchup on crackers with a side of pickles, if I
remember correctly.

• His Bachelor Stuff. This is his dowry, the stuff that came with him
into the marriage, which included his collection of Flintstone Jelly
drinking glasses, his collection of NFL drinking glasses, his collection
of glasses with beer logos on them, his matchbook collection, 8 tons
of car parts, a stuffed and rotting armadillo, a stuffed and rotting
moosehead, a stuffed and rotting fish, 12 small green and blue rocks,
3 gallons of barbeque sauce, 3 horseshoes, a deck of 50 playing cards,
a broken toilet bowl and a brown towel. You were expecting perhaps
a yacht, or maybe a helicopter spiriting you away to your mansion in
Tenerife? No doubt those illusions were shattered as was his
collection of NFL drinking glasses soon after being married.

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 It is important to understand that men love to hang onto things. A
man never knows which of several thousand rusted and corroded nuts
and bolts might just fix something important. That’s why men keep all
sorts of things in the garage hidden away in jars, small drawers, boxes
and bottles. Men know instinctively that as soon as they throw away
some seemingly unimportant bracket, bolt or spring they will need it a
week later. This has happened to every man, so over the years they
have developed a simple mechanism for dealing with this problem;
they save everything.

• His Sanctuary. This would usually be either the garage or a

workshop. This is the place where he can go when he needs to think,
when he needs to get away, when he needs to break something, when
he needs an airtight room and an idling car. Regardless, this is his
sanctuary. Look upon this area like his American Embassy, his
Guantanamo, and understand that usually your presence is by
invitation only. Other men can come and go into other men’s garages
and workshops with impunity, it’s a guy thing. Women, however, are
another matter. They are usually not welcomed and are often treated
as spies without regard to the possibility that they are probably not.
There are not many places he can call his own, so you need to give
him this one. Everyone needs a place to go when they’ve got nowhere
else to go.

• His Mom. Oh Lord, where to begin. If his Mom is at all an issue in

his life then you’ve got bigger problems than I can realistically deal
with here within the bounds of this book. At some point he will have
to realize that it’s either his Mother or you, his woman. He can’t have
both and we don’t even think about it if he could. Know that
whatever he is, good or bad, is due in large part to his Mother. So,
hate her if you must or praise her if you will, but best to do either
from a safe distance. There is nothing like a large distance separating

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him and his mother to help him focus on what is important in his
relationship; you and your needs.

Having bashed mom around sufficiently, let me say that his mom is
going to be a wealth of useful information relative to the sorts of
foods he likes and dislikes, ways in which to get him to do things he
doesn’t want to do, and the locations of all those emotional buttons
which moms do love to push. Moms know the locations of these,
since they were instrumental in their installation. Yes, if utilized
correctly, his mother can be a wealth of useful information. So, get to
know her. You never know, you might just like her. Yeah I know,
probably not.

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 Habit #7
Sharpen the Saw,
But don’t get Cut
The idea of this habit is that practice makes perfect. This applies to the exercises discussed
within this book so far, as well as those to come in this, our final Habit. “Nobody was
never born good at nothing 'cept cryin' and crappin'”, my Grandma use to say. And it
appears she was right. In order to become proficient at anything, a great deal of practice is
often required. There is, however, a significant difference when it comes to practicing
something like, say, a musical instrument and practicing these exercises in a real
relationship. Clearly, when it comes to music you have the benefit of practicing alone until
you feel you are good enough to be heard by others. While in a relationship, though there
are some things you can certainly practice alone, you pervert, you are for the most part
pretty much out there on the stage, in the limelight, on your own.

In a relationship, your screw-ups will be known by everyone. Well, everyone who matters
that is, which means your woman, your family, your friends and everybody else that she
tells. You, as a man, barely have a grasp on what you need to do just yourself from one
day to the next, and now you’re expected to be an instant expert on relationships as well.
Good God, could it get any more difficult? No, you don’t think so? Ha! You haven’t seen
the exercises yet.

* Men *
As I’ve said, the key to the exercises in this, the final section, is practice. You’re not likely
to get good at anything unless you practice. That goes for sex as well, of which I’m
certain you will soon attempt to convince your woman. The Catch-22 with sex is that if
you’re not already good, you're not likely to get in much practice, at least not with anyone
else that is. Anyway, getting back to this section, there are a variety of issues to reflect on
here. Issues such as you, you bumbling fool. How do you think, for instance, she feels
when you touch her? Is she thinking, “Hey, just what are your intentions here, Buster?” or
is she thinking, “There’s the soothing and comforting caress of my loving mate.” I’m
guessing that your intentions will be called into question more often than not.
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 Exercise 7.1 - Reach Out and...
If you take nothing else away from this book, listen closely to the following.
Learn to touch and caress her often in a comforting, non-sexual manner. One
of the biggest complaints heard from women is, “He only touches me when he
wants sex.” Sad but true. This is not something which will come naturally to a
man, particularly one who has played some college football; it’s going to take
practice. Holding hands, a light tough at the waist, a simple caress of her
cheek tells her how you feel about her with your having to actually say
anything. Trust is slowly built up in this way. Though it may not mean much to
you, it will to her and you’ll be surprised at just how much closer you two will
become.

This is something both you and your partner are going to have to practice.
Only after concerted effort will any of this come naturally. The practice of a
comforting touch may seem like a lot of effort for something which most men
just consider foreplay anyway, but it’s vital for guys to understand just how
important this is to women. Something as simple as this can make a huge
difference in the comfort level of a relationship. A good place to start are
massages, particularly foot massages. Women love foot massages, so you
might think about reading up on how to give one properly. In fact, taking a
course in massage is a great idea. What could be more relaxing than you and
your partner sharing the gift of a soothing massage? Well yes, this while
sipping champagne on the deck of your Yacht in the Canary Islands might be
more relaxing, but it’s likely not within your price range. So, a massage it is.

Exercise 7.2 - Should I Cry?

Don’t cry. Women say they like men who cry, but they really don’t. Only cry if
it’s really something worth crying about, like the death of a loved one, or
Dallas losing another damned game. Some men think that crying occasionally
in front of a woman will show her how sensitive you are. This is a fallacy.

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They will not fall for this ruse. They know that the only sensitive spot on you
is located somewhere below several inches of dirt and brine. Heck, you didn’t
even cry when your buddy lodged that treble hook deep into your thumb
while fishing, though you did chip a tooth on the whisky bottle when they
were cutting it out with that dull buck knife. Good times.

This brings up the issue of injury and the associated pain it may cause. A good
rule of thumb here is that if the bone has broken through the skin, then your
buddies are not going to say a thing if a tear or two comes to your eyes.
Remember Burt Reynolds in Deliverance? He had a compound leg fracture
and never cried a lick. He didn’t have many lines after that injury other than
screaming and moaning, but he didn’t cry. If, however, you find yourself in a
situation in which there is a reason to actually cry, then make sure you cry like
a man. What do I mean when I say you should cry like a man? Well here’s a
short list of the different types of crying which exists out there:

• Babies. Babies cry, primarily, to annoy their parents. Picture their sad
situation. They were doing just fine in that dark little room of theirs for
month after month; playing games, singing songs, writing their names
on the wall. And then suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, they are
pushed from this warm, cozy world into a cold, loud frightening
environment in which alien beings prod, poke and otherwise annoy
them. You would cry too if this happened to you. You probably did.

• Woman’s. A woman’s cry can depend on the situation. If she’s pissed

at you, the situation we like to concern ourselves with here in this
book, then she will likely be sobbing. This is meant to impart the belief
that she is at her wits’ end and can do nothing but breakdown and cry.
My girlfriend used to say that when she was sobbing, “I’m at wits’ end
with you” This implies that it is now up to you, the guy who probably
screwed things up and got her all upset in the first place, to fix or
otherwise solve the problem. How you might accomplish this is up to
you. However, you will know that you have succeeded in solving the

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 problem when she stops crying and is happy once again. Well,
probably not happy, but at least not crying. Note that this transition
can take place in as little as 15 seconds or as long as, well, forever.

There is another type of crying women have in their repertoire of

relationship weaponry. This is more vocal than simply sobbing because
you’ve once again screwed something up. This type of crying is
usually reserved for something truly tragic, like the death of a loved
one or that you’ve used one of her shoes to pound a nail into the wall.
If this is the case then all you will be able to do is to be there for her.
You will, during these times, have the ability to be comforting in no
other manner. The truly gifted women will have the ability to take a
hearty cry to a full fledged wail, such as might be appropriate at a
funeral. This becomes even more effective if the woman attempts to
crawl inside the casket with the loved one as well.

• Man’s. A man’s cry is not dependant upon the situation - it is always

the same. Picture this: The man will stand, or sit if preferred, stone still
and stare off into the distance. Slowly a small tear will form in the
corner of one eye, and then the other. Once the first tear has dripped
down his cheek, the upper lip may quiver slightly. A deep breath may
be taken here if the reason for crying in the first place is particularly
emotional. Men do not usually like to talk during this difficult period,
but if required to do so it is important to make sure you have a drink
in your hand. You can direct your conversation into the glass so that
your words will bounce off the cubes, making them particularly icy.

• Random Crying. There is a category of people who will cry for

reasons which, though may be valid, escape the sensibilities of most of
us. They cry for their own pathetic reasons honestly, deeply and
without reservation. This group includes; little girls who feel they’re
not getting their fair share, TV evangelists who’ve been exposed,
exiled politicians, deposed heads-of-state, jockeys accused of doping,

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 Chicago Cubs fans, Boston Red Sox fans, Danny Ange, indicted
CEO’s, and all mothers whose children have disappointed them (this
would include all mothers whose children who have either not become
Doctors or have not married a Doctor).

Exercise 7.3 - Standard Man Things

Above all, let us not forget about the Standard Man Things for which you are,
and will always be, responsible. And let me tell you, that’s a lot of
responsibility. Fortunately, there is a place, a sanctuary where you can go to
accomplish most of the Standard Man Things; the garage. Although there may
not always be something to fix, or break, you can always go into your garage
(or better yet a workshop where you can smoke cigars until you get into
trouble) and pound away on some piece of metal with a hammer until
everything works itself out. And with a big enough hammer, it will. The
garage should be setup exactly the way you want, so that she won’t be able to
find anything.

The Standard Man Things are understood by women to be those things which
she does not want to do and furthermore wants you to do. That’s what they
are. The broad, but certainly not complete, list of these things would include;

• Outside stuff. Anything which is located, or needs or be done, outside

is your responsibility. This would include everything associated with
trash, clippings, refuse, rodents and garbage in any and all forms. It’s
all yours buddy. The garage is also included within this category as it is
located outside as far as she’s concerned. The exception here may be a
garden which will be her area of concern. If this is the case, you will
still be expected to participate in it’s cultivation and maintenance by
composting, mulching, digging, hauling, chopping, weeding, turning,
and the never-ending tilling until you can’t till no more.

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• Spiders. Spiders are great because they can make you appear to be
“The Great Protector” without your really having to do much. The
only exception here is if you happen to be afraid of spiders. In that
case, asking your woman to kill the spider would be considered
something less than manly. In fact, it’s probably just a notch above
having a pedicure while discussing the fall fashions with the ladies and
drinking chamomile tea.

Be aware that there are many spiders which can jump, leap or
otherwise scurry about very quickly. If you happen to be startled by
the sudden movement of a spider you’re about to kill (for example, it
jumps on you, attacking viciously, which is what happened to me one
time) and you, without thinking, scream at the top of your lungs like a
5 year old girl, don’t expect your wife not to tell people. Also, don’t
expect to have sex with her for awhile. I’m just warning you up front.

• Tight lids. Here’s another big win for the expenditure of relatively
little effort. Make sure though, that when you do open the lid of the
jar, or whatever, that the crap in the bottle doesn’t fly out all over the
place. This will quickly cast you from a hero to a villain in one swell
foop. If you cannot actually open the lid, then bang it on something
until you can open it, or it breaks. If possible, don’t let her know that
you can’t get the lid open. She’ll be forced to try herself, open it easily,
then you’ll never have sex again. Hint: When doing anything of a
physical nature for her, grunt. Women love that.

• Putting things together. This is usually only of value on or just prior

to Christmas. This is also something which should probably be done in
the garage in which spills, rips, gashes and other mishaps are not likely
to piss her off. However, you’ll want to make sure that she sees just
how handy you are with your tools, which in your mind translates into
your also being good in bed, while in her mind translates into your
fixing the kitchen cabinet doors next weekend. It is important that she

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 see you working on your project during the complicated middle phase
in which stuff is strewn hither and yon, and not during the final phase
in which you will be required to exhibit something functional.

• The Mattress. The turning of a mattress may not be an easy thing to

accomplish on your own. Particularity if you have one of those very
large, East Coast king-sized mattresses. Or maybe it’s the West Coast
variety which is the larger, I can’t remember. Regardless, she will, for
whatever reason, believe that you have always done turned the sucker
on your own in the past and so you should be able to do it again now.
You can try to explain to her that you’ve never successfully
accomplished this task without the timely application of the jaws of
life, but she’ll just scoff and tell you to do it anyway.

Since you’ve foolishly decided to take this on, you may want to put
some thought into exactly how your going to accomplish this task as it
is quite possible that you will wind up underneath the thing requiring
help to get out, again. Unfortunately, your wife will be laughing so
hard that she will neither be able to help you nor to dial 911 and so, in
this unfortunate case, you’re likely to expire. Hopefully, you don’t as
I’m not sure that this sort of thing would be covered under your home
owners insurance policy, whereas had you been crushed I think it
might have been.

• The Vehicles. Anything having to do with the vehicles’ maintenance-

wise is your responsibility. Upkeep is the big thing here. If she is out
somewhere and something happens to her car mechanically, you will
be blamed. I was once blamed for an accident a girlfriend of mine was
in because her windshield was dirty and there was no water in the
windshield wiper reservoir when she tried to clean the windshield,
which smeared and so she couldn’t see the lake and...well, you get the
idea. So, it is important that you take care of your woman’s car with
the same fervor that you take care of your woman. Maybe more.

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 There is also a subtle benefit resulting from your working on the cars
during the weekend. Women love to look out the window and see her
man working on something. Preferably on something which really
does need to be worked on, but usually it doesn’t matter to her. He’s
taking care of her by taking care of her car. Ah, hearts and butterflies
fill the air. So, make sure the vehicles are taken care of, simple as that.

• Miscellaneous. This involves doing pretty much whatever she wants,

whenever she wants it done. Don’t argue, just get the requirements
and get to work. Often a women will have you do something only to
complain later that you didn’t do what she wanted. When you point
out that even if you didn’t do what she wanted, you did in fact do
what she asked you to do, my friend, will go straight to relationship
hell. You will not pass “GO” nor will you collect $200. Have you
learned nothing? She is always right.

The problem may be that you had probably screwed-up the project by
not asking enough specific questions up front. You need to find out, in
detail, what it was she wants you to do. I’m sorry guy, there’s just no
other way. Realize that asking questions up-front is likely to piss her
off somewhat (maybe even a lot), but it won’t compare to how pissed
you both will be when you have to do it all over again.

Exercise 7.4 - Being Decisive

Don’t be wishy-washy, women hate indecisiveness. Pick a direction and boldly
go; go to where no man has gone before. Even if it’s moving west in a
covered wagon directly into the heart of a desolate snow-covered wilderness
in 1857. Even if it’s into the depths of a Baby Shower because you forgot
your golf shoes. Even, God Bless this great Country of ours, even if it’s into
the heart of downtown Baghdad! Oh, sorry, where was I? Ah yes,
decisiveness. Again my point is, don’t be wishy-washy. Women hate that.

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 So, once you’ve decided what it is you want or need to do, then go boldly
forth. That is, unless she says otherwise. If she changes your mind for you,
saving you from the bother of having to do it yourself, then you might want to
hold off on that boldly going forward thing for a minute or so. Now is the
time for discussion. Don’t give in immediately. If you do, this will give her the
impression that she can walk all over you, when in fact you want to make her
realize that there are only certain parts of you which she can walk all over.
Once you’ve discussed the alternatives rationally and have both calmly
decided to do what she says to do, then you can boldly go forth into the
desolation....

* Women *
The single exercise in this section is simply an introduction into those things outside the
realm of the home which are important to a man. This is, essentially, a collection of
important activities and events which extend a man’s world beyond his domestic life. Ok,
here’s the deal. He’s going to do all he can for this relationship. But don’t expect miracles.
Just the fact that he’s trying should count for something. So, although not strictly required
for maintaining the health of a relationship, you might find that taking an interest in some
of his activities can help by bringing you closer together.

If so inclined, you can learn to participate in those activities which he finds interesting or
fun; dull, insipid or uninteresting as they may actually be. One important caution here,
however, would be to make sure not to invade his space if he is participating in some
activity with a man-friend. This is the rarely observed male bonding during which little is
said, but much accomplished. This is an important event in a man’s life and one which
should not be tampered with, or if necessary, tampered with in a very subtle manner. If, on
the other hand, he is engaged in some outside activity with a female-friend of his (which
should never under any circumstances exist) then there is a problem here. A big one and a
severe ass-woopin' all around would not be out of line.

Exercise 7.5 - His Interests

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Ok, ladies you’ve gotten off pretty easy until now. This, however, is where it
gets tough; this is where the rubber meets the road. The concept here is that
you’re going to want to show him how much you love him by taking an
interest in, as well as participating in, some activities of interest to him. What
this means is that you need to identify what sort of guy you’ve got there. Do
you have a guy who sits on the couch watching sports every weekend, in
which case your participation will involve eating large quantities of Cheetos
and drink beer while watching the game? Or do you have the kind of guy who
likes to get out there and get into it hisself?

If you happen to have a more sedentary sort of man, then this should be easy.
Watching the game with him and asking questions is good because guys just
love to explain the subtleties of whatever game happens to be on to his
woman. And the more technically subtle the question the sexier. For example,
if you were to ask about the “Infield Fly Rule” during game 7 of the World
Series, he would instantly be mired in a quandary as to whether to finish
watching the game or to ravage you in the bedroom. While the chances of this
one weigh heavily in favor of game 7, a question like “What's a safety?”
during a regular season football game would have little against which to
compete.

Now if he’s an outdoors kind of guy, chances are good you knew this going
into the relationship. It’s probably not as if your geek of a software engineer
husband came home one evening and said. “Honey load up the shotguns, duck
season’s open tomorrow and weeze goin' huntin'”. If he is an outdoor kind of
guy, and you’ve got an engine hanging from a tree in your front yard, his
wallet hanging from a chain on his belt and a well worn leather skirt and tube
top hanging in your closet, you don’t need to read this section as there’s
nothing you’re going to learn from me. If, however, your idea of the great
outdoors involves hotel reservations, clean sheets and dinner at a nice Italian
restaurant, then you’re going to want to pay close attention here.

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• Bowling. Men love to bowl because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Bowling is a relatively simple pastime and most men, pretty
much regardless of their physical condition, can participate at relatively
high levels of competition. This is another big plus for male bowlers,
absolutely no exercise is required. Bowling leagues, are also a great
way to participate in something enjoyable together. Mixed leagues
(males and females) are fun and people of all ages and abilities can
compete. There are only three things you’re going to need to
remember about bowling, besides just getting up there and heaving the
ball down the lane.

The first involves leagues; if you are in a league make sure you bowl
poorly for the first 5 or 6 games. This is where they will determine
your handicap (don’t ask, just trust me on this one). Of course, after
that you’re going to have to get your act together and get really good
because men love competition and the competition must be crushed
into a moist paste in the ground. The second thing to remember is to
let him keep score. Men love to demonstrate their mathematical skills,
which will likely not exist beyond adding up a beer tab, by keeping
score. Men also love to count things. As far as counting goes, the last
thing to remember is that he’ll go through about 2 beers per game.

• Hunting. Men love to hunt because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Men will say they love to kill things, but when it comes down
to it they really don’t. Hunting involves going out into the wilderness,
wearing camouflage with a bright orange hunting vest over it so that
you don’t get shot, drinking large quantities of beer and shooting at
anything that is not wearing a bright orange hunting vest. This is what
occurred on the one hunting trip on which I was a participant. Others
have said, though, that there is more to it than that.

Some people carry guns into the wilderness in order to shoot and kill
real animals. Realize that, while this is a sporting activity for many

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 men, it was in the past an actual means of survival. Men, retaining
some of this old imprinting, may feel a sense of having to provide for
his family by dragging home a shot-up stop sign. If this happens, try to
see it for the sincere offering to you that it is. Your participation in the
male hunting activity would be to cover your ears with your hands
when he shoots at something (don’t worry he couldn’t hit the ground
with his hat) and to get him another beer once he’s finished with the
one he has in his hand.

• Fishing. Men love to fish because they can drink beer while they’re
doing it. Fishing, as far as women are concerned, is just a bit more
humane than hunting, but still that would put it just below clubbing
baby seals to death. But many woman don’t mind fishing as long as
they don’t have to deal with the bait. Women don’t realize that for the
most part, real fishermen use plastic lures rather than live worms or
something that smells like 6-month-old cheese (which is usually 6-
month-old cheese). This is often a problem as the use of a lure involves
some level of skill with the rod and reel.

This skill is quite different than the simple bait fishing of days gone by
where you dropped the worm down to the bottom, or better yet, used
a bobber. Using a lure involves casting the lure out into the water as
far as you can, and then reeling the lure back in. If you do this 6 or 7
hundred times, then you may just catch something. This activity is
intended to entice a fish into snapping-up the lure, provided that the
lure looks like something a fish would consider snapping-up in the first
place. The problem is that casting and subsequently reeling in a lure
requires practice in order to become proficient.

If you, the female, attempt to engage in this activity with your partner,
and have not previously practiced the art of casting, you are quite
likely to sink a treble hook deep into his ear lobe. This may cause your
man to drop his beer, and then there’s going to be trouble. So, unless

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 you are already proficient at this sort of fishing experience, I would
seriously reconsider bowling. If you have really made up your mind to
go fishing with your mate, then prepare yourself for the full
experience: Long periods of beer-drinking boredom interspersed with
exciting bursts of unhooking garbage and other crap from your line.

• Camping. Men love to camp because it’s something they can do while
drinking. For a man camping is getting back to nature at its absolute
best. In a big-ass Winnebago with a warm bed, refrigerator stuffed with
beer, microwave, DVD, satellite TV which gets porn stations, shower,
toilet and all the electricity you could ever want. But of course, this is
simply for occasional comfort and that’s not really what camping is all
about is it? No, it isn’t. It’s about you and your mate being together in
the great outdoors. It’s about sharing the wonders of nature with the
person that you love. It’s about this next story:

Back in the days when you could leave all of your stuff
unattended in your campsite without concern, my parents
would take my sister and I deep into the wilderness and
leave us without concern. No, actually they would stay as
well and we would all camp for two weeks each summer.
On one particular trip, my dad had sold a large outboard
motor to someone and so was lugging around some
heavy bucks. He decided to hide it somewhere in the
camper so that nobody would find it, should we be robbed
by bears. So, he scurried into he camper alone only to
emerge a few minutes later grinning from ear-to-ear.
Well, of course, this was a challenge. My sister and I
scoured the camper for hours but to no avail, couldn’t
find the dough.

Later that night we were all eating dinner around the

campfire. My dad happened to remark about how hot and
bright the fire was that evening. I don’t remember much
of the intervening conversation until the part where mom

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 said that the empty cardboard paper towel tube was also
burning there in the fire. My dad seemed to immediately
lose interest in dinner once that information had been
revealed. So, guess what was in the paper towel tube?
That’s right, my college fund up in smoke.

• Sports Events. There are really only two events with which you will
need to become familiar. The football finals known as the Super Bowl,
and the baseball finals known as the World Series. From your
perspective the only difference between these two is the outfits that the
players wear. Let’s take this from the top. The entire day will be
dedicated to this one event - it doesn’t matter which one, both will be
treated in the same manner. We’ll start early with the fixin’s like beer,
beef ribs, chips, burgers, more beer, hot dogs, potato salad, more beer,
pork ribs, dip, more chips and more beer. Now we’re not idiots mind
you, we don’t just start drinking beer first thing in the morning. We mix
it with tomato juice.

If there are other people at this event as well, then your participation
can be limited to making sure that nothing in the house gets damaged,
or at least gets damaged beyond repair. Understand that you will have
only so much control for the better part of the day, so you may as well
just rationalize it away however you need to right now. This will only
occur twice each year, so you can just suck it up soldier. And you can
also forget about saving your carpet. If, however, others are not
involved and it’s just you and your sweetie, then your participation can
be much more hands-on. While this scenario will require more of your
participation, you will have better control of the overall spill and crumb
situation. So, good with the bad.

• Drinking. Men love to drink.

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- 145 -
 Afterward
I think that the best thing I can say at this point would be to practice the exercises. Not
that this will necessarily work mind you; even my expertise is no match for natural male
stupidity. Let me tell you about my evening last night. My fiancée and I were in the
process of getting ready to go out to dinner when she asked me, innocently enough mind
you, how her new slacks looked on her. Taking my own advice I immediately replied that
they looked great and then, for whatever brain-damaged reason, added that I also loved
the “panty lines”. Why I did this I have no idea other than the aforementioned observation
that my brain had been somehow damaged. Well, you can easily imagine that the evening
quickly went skittering downhill from there. Rather than immediately apologizing, which is
what I should have done had I remembered my own advice, I stated that I liked panty lines
because they were actually like the frame around a picture. I might just as well have
kicked a puppy right there in front of her for all the good that comment did me. She
looked at me as if I were insane, which I think I may have been. I can’t imagine any other
explanation for that comment – I mean really, a picture frame? I ended the evening by
stating that the dessert (yes, we did somehow actually make it out to dinner) was “too
chocolaty”. Now this is a phrase that has likely never been uttered by any woman at any
time in history, but leave it to me to come up with a comment that both blows and sucks at
the same time. It was at about that point when I started drinking. That’s about all I
remember of last night until this morning when I woke-up on the couch.

Hope this helps.

Bye!

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