Professional Documents
Culture Documents
By
Iyan Igma
(With a Little Help from Mommy)
1st Edition
Special Acknowledgments:
My mom, who cooked for me, let me tinker in
the kitchen from an early age, and passed
most of the recipes down to me.
Table of Contents
Appetizers.........................................................................7
Fireball........................................................................11
Necrophilic Rhapsody....................................................16
Hobo Dinners...............................................................19
Thanksgiving Dinner.....................................................23
Grandma Burgers.........................................................27
SSI.............................................................................31
Low-Cholesterol Eggs....................................................38
Irish Enchiladas............................................................40
Celibacy......................................................................42
Entrees...........................................................................43
Linus's Revenge............................................................44
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Rabbit Pellets...............................................................50
Methylene Surprise.......................................................52
Hell.............................................................................54
Mixer-Killer..................................................................56
Snooty Desserts...........................................................58
A Felon's Nightmare......................................................64
It's Magic.....................................................................66
Delicious Dough............................................................68
Credits............................................................................70
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Appetizers
Iyan Igma
Nothing says "I've died and gone to heaven" quite like Carne Asada,
a Mexican grilled meat. Serve it warm, thinly sliced in burritos or
tacos.
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Swim underneath the bank with the meat in your mouth. Deposit
it somewhere it won't float away. Leave it there for about two weeks, or
until it becomes so rancid it easily falls apart in your mouth.
If you are impatient, or if you've been unable to shoo the alligator
out of the nearest wallow, you can put the meat in the bottom of a large,
sealable container that you don't mind cleaning. Prick the meat lightly
with a fork. Pour enough orange juice over the meat to completely cover.
Drink the rest straight from the carton. Then, add in garlic, salt, and
cumin. Let it marinate for two hours.
Cook over medium-high heat on a grill for 6-10 minutes, flipping
once, until you're satisfied it's no longer alive. Serve with all the fixings.
Feel free to tear it apart with your teeth like a good carnivore. It is
especially good sliced and served inside of warm flour tortillas with salsa
such as Fireball (recipe follows.)
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Iyan Igma
Chili Habanero: The only thing scarier than those green face
masks that women wear at night...
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Fireball
If you've always wondered what you're friends mean when
they talk about heartburn, and if you think you're a real man, then you
should try this simple salsa. I prefer it raw, but you can grill the
peppers to intensify the flavour.
While still on the topic of things that will make you cry,
remember to cut your onions under water, or keep
Visine handy. Visine is actually very useful in the
kitchen, because it makes a really great prank to play
on someone who likes to drink milk. Remember...just
one drop, and they'll think they had the stomach virus
of the year. Visine would almost certainly do the same
in horchata, too, so be sure to check out that recipe.
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paprika, lemon juice, chili powder, and salt in a blender. Let the blades
do their magic. Pour the sauce over the meat. Add 1 quart of water.
Bring to a boil, then simmer for 2 to 2½ hours, stirring and
turning frequently. The meat will be done when you can easily pull it
apart with two forks.
Cut off the heat, and remove the meat. It's time to pull it apart to
your heart's content. Just think about wasted tax money. In no time flat
you'll have a heap of shredded meat.
Warm your sauce back up, letting plenty of that water evaporate,
th
and/or scoop out at least ¼ of it. When it's thick enough for your taste,
put the shredded meat back in, and serve on buns with your choice of
soul food.
If you're really lazy, you can just buy regular pork or turkey ham
to boil. You can also just use store-bought barbecue sauce to soak your
meat in after you boil it and shred it. It really just depends on how much
of your money your legislator has wasted.
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It Probably Won't Kill You....
Cube steak,
all fatty and fried,
tastes might pretty
when it's inside.
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Iyan Igma
Necrophilic Rhapsody
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Kitchen Hint: If you want to clog your sink, then the next time you
cook something really greasy, drain all of the grease down the sink.
Keep on doing that and, voilá, you'll be the proud owner of a
clogged sink and the envy of your neighbours.
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Iyan Igma
Hobo dinners are whatever you make of them, though you can
usually count on them being slightly burnt and having a little bit of
dirt inside...
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Hobo Dinners
This is one of the most classic camp out dinners ever. It is
really easy to fix, since most of the time if you camp near railroad
tracks a hobo will wander into camp just in time for the coals to get
warm enough. Have your 2x4” or baseball bat handy to knock him
unconscious with.
Cut out meat and grind, though you can make steaks or strips if
you prefer. Put hobo patty in the middle of an 8x12” sheet of tin foil. Lick
your fingers; don't worry about washing hands. You're a cannibal for
crying out loud! Add veggies and cheese, if you feel so inclined. Make
sure you can wrap it at least twice in the tin foil.
Cook on the piping hot embers of the fire for 15 minutes. Flip
with shovel or something with a long enough handle to ensure that your
eyebrows don't get singed off. Cook for another 15 minutes, or so. Take
out and enjoy, unless you put it over cold coals. Then, you'll have to cook
it a little longer.
*If you can't find a hobo, then ground beef or turkey works just fine.
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Iyan Igma
And Then?
Scrape the lard off of a freshly butchered hog. Set hog aside to
make salt back, etc. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl. Add powdered
sugar. Mix lard into flour with a fork. When the lard is pretty well mixed in,
make a well in the flour. That is to say, scoop the flour out of the middle
so that there's a hole.
Pour the buttermilk into the well. Mix together with a spoon until
it's fairly consistent. Then, knead with your fingers briefly and gently. Eat
the dough that gets stuck on your knuckles and fingers.
Clear a clean surface, say your kitchen counter. Sprinkle a little
bit of flour out, and put the mass of dough out. Roll out the dough until it's
about ½ inch thick. Use a ruler to check.
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Then, if you're using the glass, you can use the end to cut out
the biscuits. Otherwise, use a biscuit or cookie cutter. Give loose ends to
the screaming kids pulling at your apron and pants legs.
Use a little lard to grease a baking sheet. Put biscuits on it,
spacing out slightly. Bake at 450°F for 12 minutes, or until lightly brown.
While waiting for them to rise, try not to open the oven repeatedly.
Instead, sift the flour mixture that's left in the mixing bowl; give
doughboys to kids.
Serves great with butter, cane syrup, or jams, especially kiwi or
strawberry. Great when dipped in eggs and fried. Delicious in sausage
gravy. Make excellent concealed weapons when burnt.
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Thanksgiving Dinner
Why waste hours cooking a dry turkey and baking pies? Why
miss the parades and games? Cranberry sauce and sweet potato
casserole are way too overrated. If you want to have that perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner, you know, the one where you can relax and do
as little as possible, just make cornbread dressing. That's all you really
need.
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pepper. Try some more using the same spoon. Repeat as necessary.
Don't worry about germs; the heat will kill most of the important ones.
Bake at 325°F for 45 minutes.
Yield: a lot
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Grandma Burgers
The Nitty-Gritty
If you are dainty and faint-hearted, turn back now. If you weren't
bright enough to thaw the hamburger meat, then kick yourself in the rear
and wait. Everyone else, dive in.
That is to say, dump everything in a big mixing bowl, with the
exception of good teeth. Those should stay in your mouth so you can eat
the burgers later. Using your precious little hands, mix all that gooey stuff
together. Then, form into 8 patties if you are a light eater, and 2 to 4 if
you are a real man.
With anything involving meat, make sure it gets cooked all the
way through. Otherwise, you might enjoy the taste. Put the patties on a
George Foreman grill for 5 minutes (more or less, depending on how rare
or done you prefer them.) Or if you like those tasty black lines to be
seared into your meat by a ravenous fire, grill for about 6 minutes,
turning once. If it's too cold outside or you just really like to pan fry, cook
7 to 10 minutes on each side.
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Dinner Rolls
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Yield: 6
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SSI
Can't swing that cast iron skillet hard enough any more? If
you've ever dreamed about a being a widow (for obvious reasons,)
then this recipe is your meal ticket. Not only will its taste be sinful, but
it is sure to give your grumpy old man a heart attack. Then, you can
start collecting his SSI and finally have some peace.
Optional:
your favourite cheese, either melted or in slices
mayonnaise
onions, chopped
pickle relish
any other condiment like chili or ketchup
This is a fairly simple recipe. Make sure your grill is ready. Wrap
a hot dog in a spiral with a piece of bacon. Put a toothpick through both
ends of the hot dog to keep the bacon in place. Repeat until all of the hot
dogs or sausages have been wrapped in a nice, greasy blanket of bacon.
Toss the hot dogs (or sausages, however the case may be) onto
the grill for 6 to 8 minutes, until bacon is brown and done. Serve on your
choice of bun with whatever you like piled on top. If he doesn't keel over
dead, add arsenic or strychnine to the next one.
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What to Do
Take your pail and go milk your cow. It's best to do it early in the
morning before they are too awake to kick you. Set the milk aside in a
cool place. Then, put on your boots and wade out into the rice paddy.
When you've harvested a good cup of rice, come back to dry land.
Put the rice into a bowl that you can seal. Sprinkle with
cinnamon. Pour in water until it is completely covered. Put on lid. Let it
soak between 2 and 12 hours. Do not let it set more than, say, 24 hours,
though, because it starts to ferment.
Pour rice into blender. Add 1 cup of water. Blend forever, or 10 to
12 minutes, whichever comes first. Strain out into a pitcher. Cast the
leftover rice chunks away.
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Knock on her door. When she comes to the door, let the hen go.
Tell her to cook it. If she cannot catch it, wring its neck, behead it, pluck
it, and fry it well, don't waste your time.
Women:
Chances are you have your hopes of walking down the aisle.
So, I'll cheat and let you know what you have to do to get there, after
you've caught the hen, wrung its neck, beheaded it, and plucked it.
Make sure to not leave any feathers...
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Iyan Igma
How To Prove You Are THE ONE Who Can Make Him
Miserable for the Rest of His Life
Put the milk in a bowl. Crack the eggs and, using a fork, beat
them in a bowl. Dig out the little pieces of eggshell that you dropped in
there. They're very unappetizing. After you're married you won't have to
worry about getting them out any more. Put the flour, lemon pepper, and
salt into the third bowl.
Roll each piece of chicken first in milk, then in eggs, and then
coat them in the flour mixture. Wash your hands before you use the
restroom. You deserve a break; you chased a chicken around, and your
bladder is small. Okay, now, back to the kitchen.
Heat a large pan full of lard over medium-high heat. Carefully put
a few pieces of chicken into the pot. Be prepared to run away at the first
sign of an explosion of grease. Don't worry if you drop a piece of chicken
on the floor while fleeing; he'll never notice.
Cook for 15 minutes, turning, until golden brown. If it is pink
inside, don't feed it to him, since he could die before you make it down
the aisle.
You may need to replenish your batter mixture or add lard as
needed. Also, don't be afraid to turn the heat down a little if it browns too
quickly (as in under 15 minutes.)
If you really want to impress him, you can use the same batter
process to fry your choice of sliced green tomatoes, sliced squash, or
mushrooms. Fry 'em up and drain 'em. He'll love you even more.
I know that the flour goo will look an awful lot like biscuit dough once
you've finished, but it's not. It's been defiled and perverted. DO NOT
eat the flour after you have rolled the chicken in it.
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Low-Cholesterol Eggs
Everyone's trying to keep their cholesterol down these days. Of
course, we all know that doing so means you have to eat really bland
and boring food like cardboard. With one exception, that is: Deep-fried
eggs, the way my great granny used to make them. She lived well into
her eighties, so you can see how healthy they were.
Fill the saucepan (a fancy word for a pot) with warm bacon
grease. Warm the grease over medium-high heat. If cooking over a gas
stove, take Gas-X first.
When the grease is piping hot, crack the egg and drop it in. By
the time you have finished treating your grease burn with aloe, the egg
should be ready. Do not scramble it, as that would create an ungodly
mess.
Take out with a metal spatula, and don't bother straining it.
Serves well with biscuits and gravy and bacon all mushed together, on
sandwiches, or on tennis racquets.
NOTE: You can cook this exact same meal over a campfire. It will
make any cold morning paradise.
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Iyan Igma
Irish Enchiladas
I know what you're thinking. Enchiladas are Mexican. However,
this is one of the lost recipes from the kitchen of the fearless and
experimental Jonathan Swift, who, as you well know, mastered Irish
cuisine. Swift, who gave the world Gulliver's Travels, omitted one
dreary part of the tale, in which Gulliver actually went to Mexico. Since
such events as the discovery of El Dorado, the defeat of the twelve-
headed monkey sun gods, and Gulliver's tutelage under the foremost
enchilada expert of the day were too boring to include, many would
never suppose that Swift knew much of enchiladas.
But, that is not so. Gulliver left those recipes to Swift in his
will. Swift later perfected the recipe, and was poised to become world
famous with it. However, a common thief, one of my great-
grandfathers, was his sous-chef, and he recognized greatness when he
saw it. Thus, he made off with this recipe, distinguishing himself
among all of my other ancestors who were nothing more than cattle
thieves. This has been a secret family recipe for centuries now, a
treasure we owe our good, honest, reputable ancestor. You will
probably be most surprised to see that there are no potatoes or
whiskey involved. But you can add them, if you really want to.
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Topping:
2 cups cheddar cheese or Mexican cheese blend
Shredded lettuce
1 cup black olives
1 cup sour cream
½ cup diced tomatoes
Basically, you'll put the olive oil into the bottom of a large
saucepan (pot,) and pray you have enough room. Warm it over low heat.
Add browned Irish kid, green chilies, onion, corn (and juice,) tomatoes,
rice, crumbled queso fresco, lemon juice, garlic, salt, cumin, and several
hearty squirts of hot sauce. Add ¾ of the Enchilada sauce. Mix until the
mixture is warm and well-blended.
Remove from heat, and heat the corn tortillas until they are warm
and pliable (about 30 seconds in a microwave.) Using a large spoon, fill
the center with enchilada mix. Roll the tortillas and put them in a 9x13"
baking dish. Spoon remaining enchilada sauce over the top. Cover with
tin foil, and bake at 350°F for 30 minutes.
Remove from oven long enough to cover with cheese. Bake an
additional 5 minutes. Cover with lettuce, olives, tomatoes, and sour
cream. Eat with gusto.
*You can substitute Irish children with ground beef in areas where
Irishmen are scarce, such as dry counties. The flavour will not suffer
too much.
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Iyan Igma
Celibacy
If you've ever dreamed about being a Catholic Priest, this
simple dip is guaranteed to keep you celibate, as well as make sure
you're dead before you're forty. That way you don't have to suffer too
long. In fact, it's so easy to keep girls away, you'll wonder why you've
never thought of it before.
What to Do
Mix everything together. Serve on toasted bread. Be miserable
and dream about girls every night.
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Entrees
Iyan Igma
Linus's Revenge
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Cool. Cover in Cool Whip and eat ravenously. Tell the kids far
and wide that there is no Great Pumpkin, but these sure are great
pumpkin pies.
Note: Pie will puff up when nearly done, signifying its last gasp of
resistance.
*If you're uber-lazy, you can use 1 can of Libby’s pumpkin pie filling
instead.
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Cream together butter, sugar, and brown sugar. Add eggs, flour,
vanilla, peanut butter, and chopped nuts. Mix well. Roll into balls. Roll the
balls in sugar. Place them on an ungreased cookie sheet. Make a
crisscross on each ball with a fork.
From time to time you will need to dip the fork in water to keep it
from sticking to balls. Do not lick the fork yet, as it will only add to the
stickiness. Bake at 350°F for 8 to 10 minutes.
Now you can lick the fork. Use your fingers to scrape the excess
dough from the sides of the bowl. Don't be afraid of the slurping, popping
sounds your fingers will make as you suck the dough off. Repeat until
bowl is wiped clean.
Cool on wire racks, while chanting,
“Holy, Holy, the Most High
Who sent the peanut from the sky,
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Iyan Igma
Then What?
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Rabbit Pellets
Nothing says cute like rabbit pellets. If you want to impress
your coworkers or insignificant other, you can either collect them from
your pet rabbit Spike, or you can make the imitation, which tastes a
whole lot less like carrots and lettuce than you would expect. Spike
won't mind, since he knows that “imitation is the highest form of
flattery.”
In a large steel pan or pot, melt chocolate morsels over low heat,
stirring constantly. When it is soft, add in peanut butter chips, cashews,
peanuts, and several handfuls of pretzels. Don't quit stirring. Do not add
real rabbit pellets to the mixture; they're too healthy.
When it is all coated, remove from heat and quickly drop by
spoonfuls onto wax paper. Let cool for 30 minutes, at least, or refrigerate.
Feel free to experiment; add other types of nuts or coconut.
*If you can convince them that you have an albino bunny, you can use
white chocolate morsels instead. I prefer them, so you should, too.
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Iyan Igma
Methylene Surprise
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Oh, sure. They look cute enough, and you'd think they'd be a cinch
to make. But it's a lie, I tell you! A lie!
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Hell
Well, I think you already know the answer to that question. You'll
put the sugar, syrup, and water in a pot. Cook until a few drops form a
soft ball when you drop them from a spoon into cold water.
Pour half the syrup over the stiffly beaten egg whites as you
continue beating them. While doing this, continue to cook the remaining
syrup until a hard ball forms when dropped in cold water.
Add the hot syrup gradually to the syrup and egg mixture. Beat
well, add vanilla and nuts. Drop by spoonfuls onto waxed paper or foil.
Tell your kids it has to set overnight. When they go to bed, throw
away all of your disastrous hard work. Trust me, you'll thank me later.
Then, spill the store-bought divinity out onto wax paper or foil, and
pretend it's the same batch you made. Enjoy its rich taste, because you
know where liars go...
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Cream cheese pound cake, in this version frosted. The top, where
the layers of sugar lining the pan have glorified the cake, is the best
part.
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Mixer-Killer
Year after year you're stuck using that same old hand mixer.
You scrape flecks of dried dough off of it all the time. You're sure your
shoulder will go out any time now. You keep telling yourself you'll get
a KitchenAid one day. But the dagblasted mixer just won't die.
Well, you don't need to suffer any more. As someone who's
been enlightened in this particular area, I can promise you that all you
need to do is make a cream cheese pound cake. If, by chance, you
happen to like your mixer just fine, be sure it is plenty strong before
you attempt this recipe.
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Snooty Desserts
From time to time everyone wants to feel like they are better
than they really are. What better way to do this than to make a nice
English treat. Then, while you eat them, you can pretend that you are
some dry, uppity Englishman who still wonders when America will
come to its senses and end that stupid experiment in democracy.
Warning, it will be easy to give into the dark side after having
English scones. But you can still be a decent human being. I believe in
you. After all, deep down you know that they drive on the wrong side
of he road. It would never work out, especially since you still think that
kilometers are a type of dinosaur.
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Pudding Layer:
2 boxes instant pudding (claim it's chocolate)
3½ cups milk
Mix together flour, butter, and chopped nuts. Press into bottom of
9x13" pan. Bake at 350°F for 15 to 20 minutes or until lightly brown. Let
cool completely. Cream the cream cheese and powdered sugar together.
Stir in cool whip. Spread over cooled crust. Beat “pudding” and
milk for 2 minutes at medium speed. Spread over cream cheese layer.
Top with 8 ounces cool whip. Sprinkle with nuts if desired. Coconut's not
half bad, either.
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Pecan pie was actually the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. It
used to grow on trees pre-baked. Can you honestly blame Eve now
that you know how great a temptation she faced?
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In large bowl, beat eggs slightly. Stir in corn syrup, sugar, butter,
vanilla, and salt until blended. Add nuts. Pour into #10 cans. Bake at 400
degrees F for 15 minutes. Reduce to 350°F and bake 25-30 minutes
more, or until lightly browned and completely puffed across top.
Remember, when you bake pies you need to cover the edges of
the crust with tin foil so it wont burn.
* You can use or two 9-inch deep dish pie pans, or 4 regular pie pans
if you are squeamish.
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A Felon's Nightmare
Frosting:
1 cup powdered sugar
½ tsp vanilla
Enough water to make the consistency where it
will drop off tip of spoon.
Food colouring, as desired.
Instructions
Cream the butter and sugar together. Add the flour, vanilla, salt,
and nuts. Mix. Roll into small balls. Make a thumbprint on each ball. Bake
on ungreased baking sheet at 300°F for about 20 minutes. Remove, let
cool, and frost.
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It's Magic
Let's face it, your kids think that you're boring and stuffy. They
just don't like you. Why can't you be cool like their friends' parents?
Well, now you can.
What I am about to show you will single-handedly reinvent
your image. Your kids will worship you after you prepare it. They will
clean their rooms without you telling them to. They will never again
blare their music. They will only date the people that you pick out,
because, after all, you are the coolest person alive.
That's right, you're about to learn how to make Magic Cobbler,
something that makes even Harry Potter pale in comparison. And the
best part is, no real magic is necessary. You can let simple chemical
reactions do all the hard work for you. But just don't tell your kids.
Abracadabra!
Melt butter in bottom of pan. Mix together flour, sugar, And milk.
Pour over butter in pan. Do not stir.
Spoon fruit over batter in pan, do not mix. Bake at 350°F for 30
minutes.
If you really want to seem cool and magical, make it rain gum for
your kids. To do this, you will need a partner with a good arm and
a bucket full of gum. Take the kids out one door of your home, chant
a magical incantation really loud, and watch as your kids are amazed
to see it rain gum. Give your partner a massage, a Ford Pinto, or
something else nice later on. It's hard work lobbing gum over a house.
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Cover your eyes! The sugar cookies are trying to seduce you!
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Delicious Dough
Anyone with common sense prefers to eat cookie dough raw,
and there's no better dough to do it with than sugar cookies. There's
something about that sticky, buttery mass that cries, “Eat me now!”
And Then?
Cream the butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla and salt.
Blend. Add flour. Mix. Freeze dough for later consumption, or eat it on
the spot. Lick the beaters (mixer blades.)
If you have this thing about now wanting to eat raw eggs, know
that I don't understand this stigma. Still, I'll humour you just this once and
tell you how to bake them. If your dough is frozen, it is easier to work
with. But you'll need to take it out of the freezer. Roll into little balls
(about ½” in diameter, though it's not a crime to make them bigger. Yet.)
If it is not yet frozen, and there's still a little bit left that you and
your kids are fighting over, you'll need to be able to pour about ½ cup of
sugar into a small bowl quickly. Drop spoonfuls into sugar and roll into
little balls. Eat every other one.
Then, spread the balls apart on lightly greased cookie sheets.
Bake at 375°F until the edges begin to brown, about 7-9 minutes. Don't
worry, they'll flatten into normal sized little cookies. Let them cool on wire
racks. Dip in milk, add to cereal, give to diabetics, or frost.
Yield: if you don't eat all of the dough first, about three dozen.
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What You Need, I Guess. I've Never Really Measured It. You
Just Know When It's Right.
2 tablespoons peanut butter, crunchy is better
½ cup oatmeal, more or less
enough Karo syrup to make it blend well
A handful of raisins, optional
A handful of coconut or almonds, s'il vous plait
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Credits:
Photo 1: Carne Asada
Photographer: Jon Sullivan
http://public-domain-
image.com/food_and_drink/slides/carne_asada_tacos.html
Public Domain
Photo 7: Biscuits
Photographer: Avoir Chaud
http://www.flickr.com/photos/habesha/400273814/
CC by Atribution General 2.0 License
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By Iyan Igma
Adult Poetry & Short Fiction:
1. The Dementia of Iyan Igma (2008)
2. The Repressed Memories of Iyan Igma (2008)
3. More Heresies from Iyan Igma (2009)
4. Blather (2009) [Omnibus]
5. 笑玲 Smiling (2009)*
6. Rorschachs (2009)**
Children's Books:
1. My Sun (2009)
2. How To Get Rid of Monsters (2009)
3. Mommy's Tired (2009)
4. Wizard Tears (2009)
5. The Turtle in the Millpond (2009)
6. Yaatoocheefenokee (2009)
7. Special Delivery (2009)
8. A Mother's Love (2009)
9. Defects (2009)
10. Assorted Silliness (2009)
Children's Books for Adults:
1. There's a Conservative Outside My Window (2009)
Fantasy Books
1. Leaving Belucía (2009)
Cookbooks
1. It Probably Won't Kill You... (2009)
Visit ww.iyanigma.com for the latest news and free downloads.
*Smiling is a selection of some of the happier moments from the first three poetry books.
**Rorshachs is an illustrated selection of the dark and twisted tales from the first three
poetry books.