PATTERSON

Holiday Times
VoIume 13 · Year 2012
Dude just totally
quit awesome job
PALO ALTO, CA - Area dude just
totally quit his awesome job …
again. Early success as a consultant
at McKinsey & Company, amazing
peers, and unparalleled professional
growth opportunities have left most
people saying, “Dude.” The dude
stated that the fact he had not moved
his family or changed careers in the
last 30 minutes left him restless, and
a new opportunity was too good to
decline. Dude now has an amazing
role with AirStrip, the leader in mo-
bile technology solutions for im-
proving healthcare, which has many
people saying, “Dude!” This dude
remains committed to transforming
the delivery of healthcare, some-
thing he describes as “hard.” His
earliest moves after the transition
included bringing in Shia LeBeouf
and Megan Fox for consulting pur-
poses, exploring various Autobot vs.
Decepticon models of transforming.
Area husband
wondering if
it’s hot in here
SAN DIEGO, CA - Hey babe, is it
hot in here? I don’t know, maybe
it’s me. I just feel like it got real-
ly warm in here. Seriously? You
don’t feel that? Let me walk over
to where you’re sitting. Still there,
maybe even a bit warmer. Why am
I dressed like a commando? You
mean these fatigues, sunglasses,
and skullcap? I heard there was a
little trouble in these parts and so I
thought I would investigate. Do you
feel that now? It’s like a sauna.
Now that I’ve built the ultimate game
room we’ll have so much more intimacy
SAN DIEGO CA - Five years of fantasizing, a month of planning, a power
tool shopping spree, and 4 straight dedicated weekends of work and my
dream gaming set up is fnally complete. The crown jewel is an auto rac-
ing cockpit built from scratch - adjustable Summit racing seat, modifed
manual transmission, everything perfectly customized to make my Gran
Turismo 5 racing experience all the more addicting and time consuming.
Will it be loud? That`s what the parallel channel amplifcation system is for
– one for the 5.1 home theater speaker system and one to power a custom-
ized sound transducing vibrating system that makes the cockpit, and house,
shake like a racing car. The best part is that now that I have this, we’ll have
so much opportunity for spending high quality time together. I really feel
ready to open up and share my inner self and be present with you. The in-
terplay between springs, dampers, and camber angle with respect to over-
steer is merely a starting point.
Area boy simply
lacks incentives for
reaching develop-
mental milestones
SAN DIEGO - Latest reports indi-
cate that area child Jack Patterson
has it made, and it certainly isn’t his
bed. His mom always nearby and
ready to pick up the slack, he doesn’t
have much incentive to cross any
further developmental milestones.
“Why would I need to cut my own
food?” Well said, young man, well
said. Even milestones long since
past can be crossed in reverse with
pleading statements like, “I can’t
fnd the other end of my shoelace¨
or “This doorknob is cold.”
Oh yeah? Well my kids can quote
SNL skits back to the mid 1980’s
I heard your kids were calling out plays in Mandarin during the soccer
game. What’s that? Right, I meant the uber-star county-wide tournament. I
didn’t know they were back from assisting the Ugandan Communications
Council to build their cellular infrastructure. And they met the President on
the way back? That’s great. Well my kids can paralyze with sarcasm and
weave obscure comedy quotes into any discourse at will so suck on that.
Before his teacher could even fnish a question recently, Jack shouted out
“a meteor!” The answer was wrong, but the joke was on the teacher as she
failed to recognize the reference to a classic Dana Carvey Quiz Masters
sketch from the mid 80’s. At Bella’s last birthday I handed her a slice of
cake and she looked at me and said, “what you want me to do with this?
Eat it? Happy Birthday to the ground!” Upon which she slammed the cake
into the ground. Upset? More like thrilled.
Really sweetie, your
science museum
block tower was
awesome too
and she’s really on a tear. The only
potential silver lining is maybe she
ends up skipping the prom thing al-
together.” Louis Tomlinson of the
pop band One Direction is a current
area of intense focus and energy.
“Who?” remarks her mother who is
occupied with an Us Weekly picto-
rial of Channing Tatum.
PHOENIX, AZ - The block-build-
ing exhibit at Children’s Museum
of Phoenix is defnitely my favor-
ite. Of course your building was
awesome, too. I just needed to
make mine 10 times higher so I
could include all the various archi-
tectural infuences that I wanted to
honor. You were trying to re-cre-
ate the East Wing of the National
Gallery by I.M. Pei? That’s cute.
You mean Ieoh Ming Pei? That’s a
good starting point. But the root of
my tower houses Peter Zumthor’s
Therma Spa in Switzerland. You
know he won the Pritzker Prize re-
cently, right? And the rounded edg-
es, that’s Mimar Sinan. If anything,
I’d say your structure was more Le
Corbusier, an embrace of function-
alism and rejection of excessive
nonstructural ornamentation.
Barreling through emotional rites
of passage like frst kiss desires and
boy-band obsessions, Isabella Pat-
terson is potentially several years
ahead of schedule on an anticipat-
ed fugue to Paris with a handsome,
brooding artist. “It’s an auspicious
start,” laments her father, “I’ve been
following her career for some time
9 year-old-girl may move to Paris
with an artist sooner than expected
Management consultant earns
conjugal visit on business trip
DENVER, CO - After months of
hard labor and endless travel, area
consultant Matt Patterson was re-
warded with a conjugal visit from
his spouse. “The day started like any
other,” recalls Patterson. “I received
my rations in my room before de-
parting the Westin and boarding the
work van.” When the team arrived,
the Partner was waiting at the en-
trance and ordered everyone to get
off except Patterson who would be
returning back to the Westin.
“I was immediately nervous, but
the opportunity to double my sun-
light exposure for the day far over-
whelmed any fear I initially had.”
Little did he know that Nicole, his
loving wife of 14 years, was trans-
ported in the middle of the night
before from their village and was
waiting in a specially appointed
room back at the Westin. “They said
I would have 1 hour alone with her
but there could be no talking, which
was like normal except for all the
extra time.”
Ask a …
Kindle E-book
Reader
Dear Kindle,
With what our nation has gone
through this year, I can’t help but
feel we have lost our way. Where is
our ethical compass? What do we
stand for?
Bewildered in Brownsville
Dear Bewildered,
Who’s up for some text based fun?
All the trouble of keeping me free
from sand and water will surely pay
off at the beach when you experi-
ence all the scrolling text I can offer
you. Imagine getting amazing text
at the approximate weight and form
factor of a book.
Peace & Warmth from the Editors
Feeling fortunate to be together and healthy, we are certainly ready to say
goodbye to 2012. We`ve had our fll of transition and illness for one year,
both personally and nationally. We look forward to working with 2 Chainz
to extend fnancial aid opportunities for The Real University so our youth
can be guided through these challenging times. Peace, love and warmth to
all and be well. Love, Matt, Nicole, Jack, and Bella
Maine woods rel-
atives way soft on
next generation of
city slicker youth
THORNDIKE, ME - The McWal-
ters family relatives, longtime
residents of Thorndike, ME, are a
shadow of the Yankee austerity that
area man Matt Patterson remem-
bers from his youth. He brought
his family to visit this past sum-
mer hoping to work his coddled
children to blisters and bone in the
woods only to be pampered like he
was on Lake Cuomo. “This place
always had electricity? What the
#$*!” Patterson recalls his own
childhood visits fondly - stacking
27 cords of wood for the winter
and learning fractions through the
process of rationing 2 liters of 7-up
to last between monthly visits to
the “store.” Now, his own children
had to endure kayaking on pristine
lakes, hiking the hills and dining
in Camden, and enjoying the free
WI-FI. “This place is awesome,”
remarked his daughter Bella in be-
tween visits to the chicken coop to
retrieve eggs and delivering advice
to the family on how to maximize
goat cheese sales margin through
supply chain effciency. 'Playing
MineCraft online is way more fun
here,” stated his son Jack after
recovering from a head rush from
standing.
Dear Kindle,
I’ve been dating a man for 4 years,
but I feel like I’m too young to mar-
ry. I know he’s getting antsy to pop
the question. What can I do?
Hesitant in Huntsville
Dear Hesitant,
Do you know electronic books cost
the same as real books? It’s true.
Even better, for $150 more you can
read high priced books on a Kindle.
Sure, you can read real books, but
then you can’t plug them into the
wall and charge them. The jury’s in,
when it comes to children and hand-
held electronics, they want text.

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