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Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer was generating. I saved the more than 1,200 that were available and ran them through a word processor for closer examination. The whole mass equaled nearly 200,000 words, enough for two fulllength novels! Soon I began to typeset the colossus, careful to leave the text unaltered, uncorrected. What you’ll read here is the raw form (sic), heavily drenched in sarcasm and innuendo, colloquialisms, horrible grammar, etc. – for I came to regard this inane outburst as a work of literature.
1. MY 27 TRAINED MONKEYS LOVE THIS L. Blankenship “Lundy Love”
As you may or may not know, I have 27 trained monkeys I use to do my evil bidding. Well, the younger monkeys teeth have not fully developed and so slicing a banana to feed them is a necessary chore. The adult monkeys used to have to chew up bananas and feed their young but not anymore with the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. The adults are going bananas over this time saving easy product. No longer so they have to taste and chew the deliciousness banana without eating it teasing them like a teenage prom date. Now, they can eat and enjoy while i feed the young by slicing the bananas into small pieces that’s easy for them to digest, This product is aces in my book and if you have 27 trained monkeys that will help you take over the land of OZ, I highly recommenced this product. This product is more useful than a barrel of monkeys
2. 571B BANANA SLICER SAVED MY LIFE! Angela Hamel
When a burgler came to my house I was tempted to reach for the butcher knife in the kitchen, but instead I grabbed the 571B banana slicer. I told the burgler...”I’m gonna slice your nanner” and he ran in a terrible fright. Thank you 571B banana slicer for saving my home and possibly my life.
3. THE WAR IS OVER tdheld77
Vietnam, Korea, Iraq...they have nothing on the war I struggle with everyday in avoiding eye contact while eating a banana. If I eat it whole every time it enters my mouth I feel like I am being judged on my technique. Laughter stirs, people begin to point and shout “look at the woman “eating” a banana!!”...Now, thanks to this product the pressure has gone! I whip off the peel, and place this on my banana and eat it by hand, in pieces, non judgmental pieces! Thank the lord
4. THE 571B IS THE REAL DEAL pristine
This is the only one used on official world tournaments and don’t settle for less. Some will try to sell you a 569, 570 or 571A but they are cheap versions of the real deal which is the 571B. At home I still have an old 134 series A (the cast iron one with the screw to set the width) which I use for special occasions, but when I travel the 571B is in my carry-on. The 200 and 300’s are really more for people with a tomato background.
5. JUST OKAY IWonder
I would rate this product as just okay. It’s kind of cheaply made. But it works better than the hammer I’ve been using to slice my bananas.
6. ANGLE IS WRONG J. Anderson
I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.
7. NO MORE WINNING FOR YOU, MR. BANANA! SW3K
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well...my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
8. SAVED MY MARRIAGE Mrs Toledo
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
9. GREAT GIFT Uncle Pookie
Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using - it works much better. Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!
10. A MILITARY ENDORSEMENT HappyHubby
I have served in the US Army for over 12 years. I can say that there is technology being used by the military that is rarely seen in the civilian sector. Once in a while, however, an amazing product is released by the DoD for civilian use. The 571B is one of those products. Although once called the M571B Tactical Banana Slicer (TBS) V1, they have declassified it for public use. I am glad to see this product on the market today but I will warn you now, this is a CIVILIAN model and not designed for field use!
11. ANGLE WAS WRONG, WAS WRONG H. Madison
I can’t believe anyone could be so inept as to think that they couldn’t slice their bananas because they bent “the wrong way.” All that person has to do is to buy the model 571C Banana Slicer that is for bananas that bend the other way. Although I prefer left-bending bananas, I got both the 571B and the 571C so that when shopping, I don’t have to have the hassle of finding bananas with the correct polarity. I hope “Angle Was Wrong” sees the light and removes that harsh one-star rating for this indispensable product duo.
12. GIVE YOUR MORNING SOME TIGER’S BLOOD vonbananaslicer
Think about it. You have your knife in your hand. You cut the banana. One slice. Two slice. Oh, shoot, that slice was twice as thick as the previous slice. Hmm. Try again. Third slice. My hell, that
slice veered off to the side and it’s not a banana disc, it’s a stupid banana wedge. Oh, and the stupid thing is sticking to the knife. Repeat this over and over, each morning, and what are you left with? A frustrating start to the day, a waste of time, and stupid uneven lumpy banana mess. Start your day with the banana slicer? Even slices. Every time. You would literally have to be blind AND have Parkinson’s or ALS or something to mess this up. This banana slicer will literally save you years of time over the course of your life, it is so fast and easy. Not to mention it will save you years of stress. Keep a full head of hair, and keep yourself young and healthy: get the banana slicer. It will inject tiger’s blood into your morning routine and might literally melt your face it is so great.
13. CONFUSING Q-Tip
There is no way to tell if this is a standard or metric banana slicer. Additional markings on it would help greatly.
14. DO YOUR RESEARCH - BUT YOU WILL END UP WITH THIS! Michael J. Maddocks
If you’re like me, you don’t go with the first product you see or hear about. You do your research. Due diligence. Investigation. When my wife and I decided a few years ago that we would like to start pricing banana slicers, we put together a master plan. This plan involved plenty of online research, talking with friends,
family, neighbors, our financial advisor, our accountant, our attorney, our ecclesiastical leader, we also read thousands of online reviews. We attended a couple of expos that showcased several banana slicing models. We even went to a couples retreat that involved hands-on use of various slicers in real-world settings. As a side-note: the retreat was well worth the $15,000 fee because they also taught classes on the use of the slicer that prepare you for the certification test given at the end of the retreat. My wife and I are now licensed to practice banana slicing in 5 states and select regions of Canada and Mexico. We even have a permit to travel with a banana slicer and (of course) we each have a concealed banana slicer permit. (Although very difficult and awkward to conceal). I’m getting off topic. My apologies. Anyway, after 2 solid years of research, we finally decided on a Victorio Kitchen Banana Slicer. We were very comfortable using the 571A model (especially at the couples retreat), but found the slicing pads to dull quickly - making it useful for only 100 bananas or so before it became noticeably difficult to have clean and even slices without mushing the banana. My wife and I were ecstatic when the 571B model came out. Total and complete improvement! Victorio really knows how to make a quality product! When that model was introduced - we acted the very next day and made our purchase. (We didn’t purchase the same day because we have a rule to sleep on it for a night before making hasty decisions). It was just our luck, because we had been saving up in a `Banana Slicer Savings Account’ since we decided to invest in one a few years back - and just that week we had accumulated enough money to buy the unit outright! At one time we
thought we’d only have enough for a down payment, and have to finance the rest, but with some overtime at work, and a little cost cutting here and there, we are the proud owners of a brand new Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer! WOOHOO!!! Last thing I want to say: I am also a certified and bonded instructor for the use of this banana slicer. I teach a 3 week course where at the end you will receive a license to use the unit in your state. If you are interested in taking classes, please let me know. AND MAY THE EVEN SLICES BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!!!
15. SUCH A TIME SAVER Lloydravn
No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, banana slicer!
16. KIRK CAMERON’S BANANA SLICER Noah “phup”
If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!
17. THIS PRODUCT RUINED MY LIFE Unemployed...again
I guess I had what you would call a classic “ninja makes good” story. It’s a cliche at this point, but a lifetime of ninjitsu training in a remote Japanese dojo had made me a silent and relentless killing machine. Eventually, however, I could no longer ignore the ethi-
cal and moral implications of my trade. I turned my back on my former life and set about making an honest living. The one thing I could do - better than anyone - was slice a banana into perfect, even slices. My work was a wonder to behold. My list of clients included heads of state, famous actors, even a Kardashian. I gave back by slicing bananas for children’s hospital patients, entertaining the young ones with my swift yet deft katana work. I was on top of the world. When the calls first started to slow down, I blamed the economy. A luxury service like mine, surely, would be the first to go in a global economic meltdown. I felt pity for my clients, a pity that would soon prove the source of bitter irony, for it was THEY who should have pitied ME. One night, feeling sorry for a favorite client (a leading political and intellectual light who loved her bananas sliced just so), I decided to bestow upon her a gift. How delighted she would be, I thought to myself, when she awoke in the morning and found a perfectly sliced banana, just waiting for her cereal and milk. How she would savor each bite of this lost luxury. My feet glided silently across the rooftops of the city until I alit upon her roof. Creeping noiselessly down the wall, my heart beating in anticipation, I reached the kitchen window. But before I could slide my fingers to the window to open it, I beheld a horrifying scene. Wielding a 571B, she quickly prepared perfect, even banana slices and scattered them lazily on a bed of wheaties.
It was then that I knew. I was an anachronism, out of place in this modern world, supplanted by a piece of plastic with perfectly spaced banana cutters. I’ve returned to my old life these days. Mostly assassinations for hire, with the occasional kidnapping to break up the monotony. Every now and then I’ll slice a banana, just to prove I’ve still got it. But no one really appreciates the true art of the ninja anymore. “Even my 571B can do THAT,” they say. But I know. And after I cut off their hands and say “where’s your precious 571B NOW?” they know it too. I’m giving this product one star because it’s just IMPOSSIBLE to clean.
18. NO INSTRUCTIONS. SO DISAPPOINTED! Smartnoggin
Was so excited to get my banana slicer in the mail, only to discover that the instructions were in Japanese. How was I supposed to cut my bananas without step by step directions?!?!? Are these people stupid? By the time I was sent the English version in the mail, all my bananas had turned brown and I was forced to throw them out. What a waste.
19. AMAZING TIME SAVER M. Hughes
This is the greatest kitchen utensil ever! Can’t believe how much time I used to waste with a ruler and pencil, marking my bananas
to get those perfectly uniform slices. I was terrible at geometry and trigonometry so it was hard for me to get exact measurements on curved bananas with a straight ruler. Then I had to go back and remove the pencil marks after slicing. There was always that tiny eraser smudge on every slice. This wonderful gadget frees up much more time that can be spent marking my cantaloupes for perfect slices--and boy do I need all the help I can get. It’s even harder to use my ruler to mark round fruit than curved fruit. Hutzler, you’re the best. All my friends are getting one of these for Christmas.
20. GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By elven
I can’t believe I have wasted the first 35 years of my existence on this earth by not having this wonderful banana slicer. All this time I have been standing there at the kitchen counter like a complete IDIOT wasting countless seconds slicing my bananas with a knife. A KNIFE!!!! Can you believe how foolish I was? Listen. This banana slicer will change your life. After slicing a banana, or two, or three (hell slice as many as you want - it takes no time at all)you will feel like you have honey badger blood flowing through your veins and have Charlie Sheen DNA.
21. Finally! A way to slice bananas! N. Krumpe
Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray. At long last there is a saliva-free way of slicing bananas. Thank you Hutzler!
Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks
22. DISAPPOINTED Paul Anthony F. Brown
After reading some rave reviews for this product I thought I should get one for myself as I would dearly like to turn my life around like so many others seem to have done with this product. I was however, hugely disappointed, as Amazon, and/or the makers of this product, have failed to advise that the 571B is a Region 1 Banana slicer and hence totally useless outside of the United States. I live in Australia and need a region 4 slicer. I now have a whole bunch of bananas sitting on my kitchen counter that I can’t slice and a life slightly more woeful and abject than it was before I received the slicer.
23. THIS BANANA SLICER GOT ME A PROMOTION! Happybanana
They are totally right about this being a great gift idea. I bought one of these for my boss for christmas (and one for myself so we could be banana-slicing buddies) and he gave me a promotion the next day! I’m making over 500k now and just bought a maserati! This banana slicer has changed my life.
24. THE HUTZLER BANANA SLICER HAS MADE MY WORKING LIFE HELL! RustyCardores
I live and work in Queensland Australia and as many of you will
know, this is where bananas get bent. My career as a banana bender began when I first left school and thanks to my excellent banana bending technique, I have risen through the ranks to achieve the highest possible level of Chief Banana Bender Extraordinair. In my work I now have over 800 banana benders beneath me and even though this seems like a lot to manage, my job has always been pretty easy..... until now! :( The Hutzler Banana Slicer has made my working life hell !! Thanks to it’s fixed banana bend our work practices have had to change considerably. The problem is that every man’s banana bend is different. In fact, I will go as far to say that no two men’s bananas are bent the same. I can say this with confidence, as we have monthly inspections where all 800+ men have their bananas closely scrutinised. But now sadly, we are forced to conform with some arbitrary banana bend, created without consideration for the vast variation in the bend of a man’s banana. I hate you Hutzler Banana Slicer! You have made my working life hell. You are responsible for much grief and ultimately you will be responsible for the loss of many a banana bender’s job, as you leave us with no option but to move towards electronic banana bending.
25. SOLO SLICING Smirk
I used to pay someone to slice my banana. Now I handle my own banana business. This product gave me the confidence I need to slice my own banana, any time, any where.
26. THIS PRODUCT RUINED MY MARRIAGE Doubtful Divorcee
I met my husband years ago on a blind date at a tropical fruit convention. We instantly hit it off and he soon fell in love with my banana slicing skills, and we were quickly married. Every morning there were perfectly sliced bananas to top his waffles, his cereal, even as garnishes for his eggs. That’s why he loved me. My perfectly sliced bananas. We were in wedded bliss. But I was a fraud, I had been using this banana slicer instead of cutting up his bananas perfectly with a knife. Before he woke up I would sneak downstairs and use the Victorio 571B on the bananas, put them on a cutting board, and place a knife next to them and quickly hide the slicer. I loved how he would praise my banana slicing skills to everyone, anytime, even during our romantic embraces. One morning I came into the kitchen and he was already there, holding the slicer. He asked how long I had been faking my slicing skills, and told me I had betrayed him, our marriage, and everything that our relationship was based on. He called a divorce attorney that morning, and now I am alone and working three jobs to make ends meet.
A word of advice: please disclose your use of this product to your loved ones to avoid problems like this in the future. It WILL destroy your life!
27. A MUST HAVE FOR SINGLE WOMEN! Name “Mom”
Until I purchased this product I was never able to sustain a relationship due to my inept banana handling skills. Failed relationship after failed relationship I was told that while my outward appearance led men to believe I possessed the required banana handling knowledge and skills, when push came to shove I failed miserably. Apparently my performance was often unreliable and uneven. I was devastated. When I met my current man I was, rightfully so, hesitant to handle a banana in his presence. I knew he’d find me lacking like all the rest. He is such a great guy that he waited nearly a year for me to work up the courage to share a banana with him. He was so sweet during this time, subtly encouraging me in dark movie theaters, underneath restaurant tables, and most often while we were spooning on the couch watching movies, reassuring me that he would not find my banana technique a disappointment. I was close to giving in when I found this product on Amazon. I was so excited that I ordered it expedited shipping! Because I love my man so much I didn’t want to experiment with this product on him, I wanted to perfect my technique. I spent the next week trying out banana after banana until I achieved the desired result reliably, every single time. (Gosh, I hope he doesn’t find this review, he
might become jealous knowing I experimented on other bananas!) Can you imagine how happy he was when I wrote on his FB wall, “Hey, honey! I’m ready to slice some bananas tonight when you get home!” He was so excited that he took off work early and rushed to my side. This product changed my life. He was so impressed with my new found skills that he proposed a month later. We both credit this product with bringing us closer together, and we decided that instead of the traditional bride and groom on top of the wedding cake, we’d give our slicer this place of honor. We did receive many questions and quizzical looks from our wedding guests, but we’d just smile and nod to each other and offer no explanation. After all, it’s nobody’s business that I was such a miserable failure for so long. Single gals, rush right out and buy this product. Once you learn how to reliably handle a banana you won’t be single for long!
28. WORST BANANA CADDY EVER! Adam
I bought this banana caddy to transport my banana for lunch. EVERY DAY LAST WEEK i went for my banana and it was gone. EMPTY! Then I find little round bananas all over my string cheese and juicebox!!! Is this some kind of sick joke?!
29. AN UNREALISTIC STANDARD... By Kemptown
When I ordered the 571b banana slicer, I was under the impression that it was a family friendly product. I was shocked when I opened the box to see the size of the banana slicer! No banana on earth can measure up to this unrealistic standard! I have several adolescent bananas at home and I fear for their self esteem. When they compare themselves to the 571b they can’t help but feel inadequate. I fear that permanent emotional damage may have already been inflicted by this enormous banana. When will we finally stop the media from pushing these insane and unrealistic physical standards on our young average sized bananas?
30. OUTRIGHT FRAUD M. Heiss
This banana slicer comes with no bananas. The photograph clearly shows bananas. You mean it costs 5 bucks and I still have to go to the grocery store for bananas? Outrageous greedy 1%ers. The revolution can’t come soon enough.
31. PERFECT GIFT Augustinmarch
I cut a banana with a knife yesterday and I felt so worn out and lethargic. Banana slicing the old fashioned way can really wear a
person out. Luckily I have the worlds greatest BFF who knew just what I needed and bought me the slicer! I actually have enough energy now to eat my banana after I slice it! Great friend, must have product!
32. NOT AS GOOD AS THE 571A SLICER Colin_21
In my opinion, the 571B slicer is a step backward from the 571A model that it replaces. I guess I will have to wait for the 572 series to be released before I can cut up my bananas again. You would think that after 570 different models they would’ve gotten it right by now!
33. ALMOST PERFECT Googuse “googuse”
I greatly appreciate what must have been years of research and testing that went into the design of this amazing banana slicer. My one complaint is that it is very difficult to find bananas that fit it properly. Most of them are too short and do not utilize all of the plastic cross pieces that perform the actual slicing of the banana. I am very concerned that the ones in the middle that perform the yeoman’s share of the work will wear out faster than the less used ones. For this reason, I suggest bringing the 571B along with you to the store and finding the closest banana match, size-wise. I have recently started bringing along a food grade marker pen for the express reason of writing “DOES NOT FIT 571B” on each infe-
rior banana, so as to save fellow users the trouble of remeasuring substandard fruit. God Bless You Mister (or Ms.) Victorio for your amazing work in food science!
34. MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE Ilovebananas
Upon receiving the 571B Banana Slicer from my best friend, I can honestly say my life is complete now. Something has always been missing. Oh sure, the mellon-baller I got from my mom was something, as well as the grape peeler. But for the life of me, I could not figure out how to handle these bananas without saying, “Forget it, yogurt this morning it is” (if only they would make a yogurt seal-opener...). Now, I can’t stop eating bananas,which has actually caused problems in and of itself. But it is worth it to have such a strikingly pointless device in my gadget drawer. It brings joy where it was never needed, and happiness with each perfect banana shape. I honestly am enthralled to see what will come next, I hope it deals with those devilish strawberries and their many seeds.
35. UNABLE TO USE THIS ITEM MrWhibbley
I am unable to figure out how to use this item. First I took it out of the package and placed the banana and the slicer in the same room together. A week later I returned only to find that the banana has now been turned brown by this weapon on banana destruction. So then I intelligently presumed that it required batteries. So I placed batteries, this ninja like fruit dispatcher and the aforementioned banana in the room together once again. Again, I return to find
that not only is the banana brown again, but the device showed no interest at all in the batteries whatsoever. I have also determined that this device does not work as a baby sitter, nor does it do anything for my erectile disfunction. I tried threatening the device to no avail. Any help with the usage of this item would be greatly appreciated.
36. May Need Suction Cups thee jadz
You gotta be careful with this sucker, and it should only be used by those who have thoroughly read and completely understand the safety instruction manual. We have a small kitchen, and as is easy to do, I ran out of counter space. Mostly because of all the other fine Hutzler or Victorio kitchen products we own. Anyhow, I recently had to slice a banana on the floor. The slicing went well. I have tried other banana slicers on the market and find the 571B to be the most precise, easy to use slicer out there. I gathered up the perfectly sliced banana pieces and as I was leaving the kitchen to consume my bounty, I slipped on the 571B banana slicer. I bonked my head pretty hard, passed out and awoke 3 hours later to my pet iguana, Nostradamus, delicately licking the banana from my face. Now I can’t remember whether I truly like this thing or not. It should have “SLIPPING HAZARD” clearly marked on the packaging. Maybe it does, I can’t really remember, I don’t know.
37. MISSING QUITE A FEW ESSENTIAL FEATURES! Emily Hall
There are several things wrong with this product. First of all, it’s just a slicer. How the HELL am I supposed to get the peel off? It doesn’t come with a banana peeler, so the picture here is REALLY misleading. You look at that picture, and you get the idea that once you place your banana on the cutting board, the device takes over and magically delivers perfectly even, lovely slices of banana. NOT SO, because the peel is STILL on the banana! I went through three dozen bananas before giving up. Not a single one came out looking like the banana in this photo. So this picture is FALSE ADVERTISING!!! This thing only half works. Like, if you could purchase bananas without peels, maybe it would be great. But they don’t sell pre-peeled bananas at my grocery store so basically just a slicer is worthless! Second of all, about half the bananas I purchased were curved the wrong way!!! So even if I could find those elusive pre-peeled bananas, this slicer would only work on half of them. This should at least be packaged as a set, with two slicers curved in both directions, duh. What kind of moron would just assume all bananas are curved the same way? Idiots. Also, WARNING!!! The damn slicer doesn’t have a warning on it at all. This thing is sharp! I cut my finger on it. They should at least warn you that your slicer is going to be SHARP! Are they trying to kill us all?
Finally, even if I managed to get my bananas peeled and sliced without endangering my life, how in the world am I supposed to get them off the cutting board and into the bowl of fruit salad, like in the picture? There we go again, with that picture being misleading. Now, I never managed to make it that far, but I’m betting banana slices can’t hop over in the bowl themselves. There is YET ANOTHER feature of this product that is missing! Along with the matching set of left-and-right curved slicers, and the peeler thing (or at least a handy list of stores that carry pre-peeled bananas), there also needs to be a device that picks up and delivers your banana slices to the bowl. Otherwise they’re just going to lie there on the cutting board, useless. Useless like this banana slicer. I expected so much more :( Don’t buy this product unless you’re willing to put in some SERIOUS research and work in order to get the results (sliced bananas) that you expect!
38. THIS IS “PEE YOUR PANTS” GOOD! KRWE30
My (now) husband and I were about to get married and we had to decide on the store to register with. We looked at every store, trying our hardest to find a place where we could register that had a great banana slicer. Finally we gave up. If we couldn’t find a good banana slicer, then what was the point of even getting married? A guardian angel must have been looking out for us because I finally stumbled upon the Victorio 571B - the holy grail of banana slicers. It was then that I knew that things would be OK, and I would be able to have a happy marriage after all.
We ended up only registering for the banana slicer. You never know if you might lose it while traveling, lending it out to someone, or just misplacing it. I am happily married, and the proud owner of 136 571B Banana Slicers. Thanks Victorio!
39. NO BANANAS INCLUDED? Tonyc
THE CONS: would have been nice if they let you know that bananas are not included. UGH! so annoyed. THE PROS: it does a killer job on any food that is shaped like a penis.
40. NOT TRUE Kurt
This review is from: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (Kitchen) The people at Hutzler claim the following regarding the Banana Slicer 571: 1) Faster, safer than using a knife 2) Great for cereal 3) Plastic, dishwasher safe 4) Slice your banana with one quick motion 5) Kids love slicing their own bananas While several of these are true, I’d like to call attention to number
2, “great for cereal.” This is completely moronic. I have been trying to eat my cereal with this for several hours now, and have gotten NO WHERE.
41. TIME SAVER, LIFE CHANGER Ollie
Do you have ANY idea how much time this product saves me in a day? Literally close to 9 seconds. 9 SECONDS! Thats 9 extra seconds I can spend doing other super important things, like slicing strawberries, or staring at myself in the mirror. In one week, this banana slicer saves me almost 126 SECONDS (assuming I eat two bananas a day, which I do, gotta have that potassium) For those of you who have access to a calculator like I do, thats over 2 MINUTES OF EXTRA TIME EVERY WEEK. In two minutes, I could recite the alphabet forwards AND backwards, if I had it written down somewhere. 2 extra minutes of sitting in traffic on my way to work! 2 extra minutes staring at my sexy neighbor through the window because he doesn’t realize I can see him! 2 extra minutes in bed with my boyfriend! (not that he needs that long) (awkward)... Case in point, this banana slicer has changed my life. I have so much freaking extra time on my hands that I might even start exercising again! (I’m not going to start exercising again)
42. DIRECTIONS? Erm
Can someone please send me directions for this product? I couldn’t find the slot for the batteries and I don’t know which parts are to be hand-washed and which ones go in the dishwasher.
43. IMPRESSIVE! roger
Like most of you, I had been using the ax method to slice my bananas in the morning. After losing the third toe, I switched to the lesser known but still highly regarded sledgehammer approach. While this certainly worked, I think calling the result “slices” is a bit misleading at best. And then there was the fourth toe lost.... What to do? My hacksaw couldn’t make a dent in them, and child services put a stop to the 4 year old using the metal bandsaw even though the re-attachment surgery was completely successful! I came on Amazon to purchase an acetylene cutting torch, but I came across this product, and the rest is history! On to the performance: now when I hit the banana with the sledgehammer instead of turning into mush it is cleanly sliced into the perfect cereal topping. No more mush and floor dirt! Since I’ve switched to a smaller 8lb sledgehammer the banana slicer lasts for up to 3 times before I have to replace it! Cleanup couldn’t be easier. All you need is something like a toothbrush, and in less than 5 minutes of careful scrubbing between
each blade it is clean and ready for tomorrow. And if it broke, you just toss it in the trash and save yourself the time, though I always sleep a little better if spend a few minutes getting the worst bits out. Then you just fill up a bucket with water and ammonia, mop the floor to remove the remnants, and then dry it with paper towels so the kids don’t slip and fall. Finally, run the sledgehammer under the sink to wash it off, then lightly oil it to prevent it from rusting. This is a miracle product that has changed our lives forever. I cannot imagine an easier way to prepare a banana for human consumption. Bananas used to be a luxury item, something we ate on special Sundays when we had the time to both prepare them and make the trip to the emergency room. Now, so long as I have a spare 10-15 minutes, it’s banana time! I’ve even started a little side business preparing bananas for the neighbors, which to be honest is more a labor of love. Once I get the 10 ton press I’ll be able to scale this up into a money making operation, as I could probably slice 10-15 bananas at once. I dream of a future where any middleclass American has access to a well sliced banana. Thanks to Hutzler, that day is a little closer.
44. A LIFE CHANGER 5XChamps
I bought this naner slicer and wow am I glad I did. My life has been positively changed forever. Once this product appeared on my doorstep, I knew things would never be the same in my household. It is pure genious and a better time saver I do not know of. My only complaint is I wish it was offered in a chartruse color so it would match all my other little kitchen helpers.
Notwithstanding the lack of color choices, I have willed this to my youngest nephew, Oliver. I want this kid to get the most out of life just like I have and this banana slicer will ensure that he does. Thanks for this wonderful kitchen gadget! This Banana slicer rules!!!!!
45. LEFT HANDED HELP OkieDoke56
This review is from: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (Kitchen) I love the idea of this product, but unfortunately I am left-handed. My grocer stocks special bananas just for his left-handed patrons and I find that your product does not fit these bananas. If you come out with the same product for us ‘lefties’ I’ll be delighted to purchase one!
46. A-PEELING ALLOCATION LivingTheDream
Let’s just say the time I’ve saved repeatedly slicing bananas has finally be re-allocated to living out the true desire of my heart: meticulously cleaning a banana slicer! There is nothing more satisfying than pulling out my home dentistry kit and my banana-slicing floss (purchased separately-my only complaint in this review, hence the “4 star rating”)and performing a little cleaning medical marvel day in and day out. Due to this Victorio Banana Slicer, I’m not only living out my dreams, I’m also prepared for my 3rd year of dental school and a life of making a difference, one banana at a
time. Thanks, banana slicer!
47. CHANGED MY LIFE, LITTERALLY! E. Zachary
Before I got the Victorio Banana Slicer, my parties were dull and lifeless due to my inability to cut perfect banana slices. My children would cringe in the morning looking down at their sub-par breakfast with uneven sliced banana pieces. I felt like such a waste of a human life. I was depressed, drinking again and even started to smoke to relieve the stress of my banana slice fails. for hours I would stand in the kitchen practicing my banana cutting, even changing the blades of my knives didn’t work. I thought my life was over, my husband was going to leave if I didn’t get my banana situation worked out and my children refused to call me mom anymore. they said “other moms can slice bananas, why are you so inept at everything?”. I was ruined. Until one day, the glorious day! I found this browsing amazon in a rather drunken state, I jumped up and down with the excitement! I am now proud to say I am the greatest success of a mother, wife and hostess! thank you Victorio Kitchen Products! well done, well. done.
48. HOLD OFF FOR THE 571C MODEL dm “danmc15”
Word on the street is that Victorio is holding a press conference in October announcing the new 571C model. Personally, I am holding off purchasing this item until the more advanced model comes out. I am planning to take a week off from work to camp out in front of BB&B so I can be the first amongst my friends and peers to own it!
49. WHAT A RELIEF!!! Banana Fingers
I cannot say enough good things about his product. Let me try. In the era I like to call BBS (Before Banana Slicer), to cut my bananas I would have had to pull the tarp off of the old band saw in the barnyard storage shed, rev up the generator (many times making a trip to the docks for the required whale oil fuel) and carefully placing the banana on the saw bed. I cannot count on my fingers how many times I missed the banana.... I really can no longer count without fingers. Now with the banana slicer those days are over. Me and my hand stumps thank the inventor of this blessed device. Now, if only they can come up with a banana peeler.
50. BUYER BEWARE! A. Pittman “Matt”
When I tried plugging in the Hutzler Banana Slicer, it just melted and got really hot. Recommend using it in manual mode.
51. THE HUTZLER: A WARRIOR’S STORY Paul Pearson
The time: 1968. The place: Cambodia. I don’t know what they teach you in history books about that cursed time, that ungovernable place. But whatever verbiage those desk-job hacks use, it’s not enough. Calling it mere “hell” is an exercise in mockery. A paradise undermined by mankind’s basest disposition.
I was in special ops. Sent on a thankless mission up the Nung River, dispatched to execute a rogue colonel who used mental trickery and coercion tactics to convince locals to serve in his own renegade army. I knew about him. The mention of his name made my fear reverberate with a ferocity and suddenness I could not contain - Colonel Walter E. Chiquita. They outfitted me with new gear - grenades, knives, pistols, machetes... and something new. Something that was still in the “experimental phase.” Sure, I thought - I’m another patsy sent to try out yet another test device from Uncle Sam’s wallet. Using me to justify another red-line item on John Q. Public’s account balance. The device? The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I protested, with vehemence. “What is this? Look, I do things the old-fashioned way. With cunning, brawn, force of will. The sinew and fortitude that defines me as a soldier, a patriot... a man, dammit! I have a Remington 257 Dill Pickle Slicer, and I guarantee you and your pantsuits in accounting, that old lady will serve me just fine!” The commanding officer glared at me, eyes narrowing, gaze piercing, breath halted. “You’ll see. That damned Hutzler is going to save your life. You’ll see.” My guide and I navigated the Nung, that perilous Styx, that deceptively calm pathway to hell. Except I doubted my intentions were
good. We reached the mouth of Chiquita’s dominion. It was eerily quiet for what seemed like an eternity. Then they came. From behind the tall trees and the bushes of the Nung, slithering out from their cover, as if they were mere extensions of nature, not even stand-alone beings. Their eyes held no atmosphere. They stood without flinch, in their straw Panama hats, their bow ties, and their barbershop quartet striped shirts. War. I needed no reminder this was war, and my body’s impulse towards steeliness kicked in immediately. “On behalf of the President of the United States of America,” I bellowed, “I have come for Colonel Chiquita. Divination informs my mission. The higher powers of humanity have writ my calling card. So go ahead - use your dill pickles on me. I am unafraid of...” Not one millisecond later it came. The first banana. Peeled, erect, flying over my head so fast I had no chance to check for bruises. It landed on the face of the river with a firm slap, plunged into the depths of that stream, and activated an underwater mine. The explosion charred my soul. My guide perished. I haven’t forgotten you, Mickey. I never will -- as if I could try. I knew I had no time to reflect before the next wave. I had to trust that damned Hutzler. I snapped it out of my knapsack as the next round flew towards my raft. I don’t remember much about what happened next. That is, I re-
member it. But my disbelief obscures it. I remember some movements - the Hutzler flashing this way and that, naked instinct commandeering my wrists, pools of sweat, player pianos playing ragtime in the distance. My gladiatorial nature responding in outsized bravery. The screams, the madness. My inner voice repeating, in a chillingly calm tone - “Ensete ventricosum, ensete ventricosum, the hands of God...” It stopped suddenly. The gang retreated in screams. My pulse dashing, my labored breath emitting spits and coughs. I looked behind me, then down to the floor of the raft. An untellable amount of bananas, sliced, robbed of their destructive potency. The raft looked like a Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor after a buffalo’s birthday party. I slid the Hutzler back into my knapsack. I would thank it later. But Chiquita was out there. And I had to finish him, and save my wracked mind from the bitter chaos it had just endured and somehow - whether through my own will, or the good Lord’s, I can’t say - survived. It was the ugliest, most awful moment of that unholy war for me, with the exception of the time in Ho Chi Minh when Charlie attacked our unit with an assault of apples... the corer... the corer... the corer...
52. BANANA SLICER DILEMMA AdamG
I think it’s terrible everyone making jokes about a product which some people might really appreciate. For example, my wife has
OCD and has to have food sliced completely evenly, so for me to be able to achieve this so easily without the need for a ruler is a joy! Sadly I also have OCD and have to have all the utenssils in the drawer perfectly lined up, so imagine my state when I first tried to put the banana slicer away! It won’t line up with anything else in the drawer, and isn’t even symmetrical! So for us it’s a real dilemma. If only the makers hadn’t gone for the silly banana shape and had made a nice neat regular banana slicer we would both have been happy.
53. TO THE RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT K. Johnsrude
Before I invest 2 bucks in this bit of ingenuity, please tell me: What went wrong with models #1 through #570?
54. VIOLENT Artsyfartsygyrl “artsyfartsygyrl”
Ummm... I’m a banana and I find this product offensive. So just remember: people don’t kill bananas - banana slicers do.
55. NO MORE STARES Jess
I used to be self conscious before I found the banana slicer. I would get awful gawks from men and comments like, oh yeah eat that banana girl . Now I can eat my banana in peace. Thank you for making the banana classy again.
56. MISLEADING PRODUCT INFO! Branandon
The product description clearly states this is a great gift idea. DON’T BE FOOLED! I gave it to my girlfriend for our 13-month anniversary. Long story short, she’s now a regular at swinger parties and I’ve spent the last five weekends home alone watching reruns of Burn Notice. This product changed my life, but not for the better. I just want my old life back, Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer! I just want my old life back!
57. INNOVATORS! CHANGING THE NANER INDUSTRY! Scott McIlhany
I bought the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer with the intention of increasing productivity at my new vending business, `Naner-on-a-Pick’. With the recent upswing in the economy, the market was `ripe’ for a vending cart that specialized in naner slices on toothpicks and I swooped in to corner the business. We had the usual growing pains, but when business started to skyrocket, I was left without a way to cut uniform naner slices on the fly; enter the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. At first we had issues with this product; too often the naners were curved in the opposite direction of the slicer. This frequently left us with non-uniform naner slices and even worse, uncut naner ends where the naner curved outside of the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer’s frame (`naner waste’ is the bane of our industry). In frustration I wrote to Victorio Kitchen Products and remarkably, Victor V Victorio himself flew out to address our issue. He stud-
ied our dilemma for 3 days and flew in 3 additional Nanologists. Well, finally, after six months and 7 prototypes, they designed and fabricated a machine that makes every naner curve the same way as the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. I’m not sure how the `Nanerflipper 2013’ works, but I thank my stars every day for it. It’s the best $127,209.99 I ever spent.
58. Humanit’y Decline A.C.W.
This seemingly innocuous device grins forebodingly at me, like the disembodied grin of The Cheshire Cat. A sense of impending doom slices through me, like the barbarous teeth of this slicer through vulnerable banana flesh. Heed my words people, no good can come from this device, none at all. It takes no great mind to peer down into the rabbit hole, and the gloomy future that the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer represents. Just think about it. Only the wealthy could afford such a piece of craftsmanship- such an engineering marvel. Where does that leave the socioeconomically disadvantaged? I’ll tell you where. It leaves them clutching a non-serrated butterknife, hacking away at unyielding banana fibres, blearily trying to peer through the sweat that drips from their brow, to prepare a folate-rich snack, while their offspring cry out in pain with desperate hunger. Precious hours are lost at home over futile banana-carving, while the wealthy saunter off to work. Off to work to increase their wealth, greedily stashing away funds into overstocked bank accounts- like
so many precision-sliced banana slices into a greedy gullet. And so the class divide ever increases. Day after day, banana after banana. Oh yes my friends. Evil comes in many forms, and sometimes that form is banana-shaped. I leave you with the words of Albert Einstein: “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”
59. BEST WHEN PURCHASED ALONG WITH BANANA RECONSTRUCTOR Joel
Although this product slices bananas very well, the included instructions don’t say what to do with the slices. For a time, I was befuddled and perplexed. Fortunately, there’s a companion device, the Hutzler 572 Banana Reconstructor, which will reassemble the slices into one intact banana, which bears no signs that it has ever been sliced. So now, I just slice my banana and reconstruct it, slice and reconstruct, until I’m tired and it’s time to go to sleep.
60. HANDS DOWN, THE BEST ON THE MARKET! DS
I’ve been keeping my eye on this product for the last few months. I was waiting for a sale and boy was I elated when I found the price drop from $9.99 to $8.48. I couldn’t let a deal like this slip
me up(banana humor)because I’d never forgive myself. So I finally made this purchase and can say that I never once regretted it. It has absolutely changed the way I look at bananas as a fruit. I used to get all depressed and have restless nights thinking about the chore of slicing bananas in the morning. Not anymore, this product has made the tedious task of preparing breakfast a pure joy. I mean I still have to take the peel off the banana, which is asking for quite a bit when you pay $8.48 for the slicer. I guess I can over look that flaw when it truly saves me seconds of banana slicing frustration. I am kind of curious as to why the price drop though. I think they might be trying to sell all the old stock because the fabled 571C model could be coming out. I hope I didn’t jump the gun to soon and waste my savings on last years model. I hear it’s rumored that the 571C will slice TWO bananas at once. I mean imagine that, cutting two bananas with one motion, even our kids couldn’t think of such fairy tales!! With all the advancements in science, I still can’t believe that we humans have the technology available to slice two bananas at once. Until then, I guess the 571B will have to do, and we can only dream for when the 571C turns the market upside down.
61. THE SOLUTION TO HUMANITY’S GRANDEST OF CHALLENGES D.Zeder
Eleanor Roosevelt once said “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” I can think of no better example of this then the good people... nay... GODS of Victorio Kitchen, who dared to believe in a dream, where no longer are we
shackled to the chains that is slicing bananas day in, and day out, despairing as we relinquish all hopes of ever cutting the banana into that fabled perfect sliced size. No longer do our husbands righteously beat us mercilessly for delivering them uneven and uneatable slices of that sweet sweet potassium in their cereal, a fate no man should suffer, yet so many do; and no longer do our children spit on us for making them eat bananas whole at school, whilst teachers and students alike point and ridicule them as they use their teeth like dirty plebs to obtain the bite size pieces necessary to consume the banana. This dream was finally realized with the invention of the 571B Banana Slicer, the invention that will define our century, an unmatched monument of how far we have come, and how little we have yet to go now, with the most grandest of challenges for humanity finally and most spectacularly solved. My husband beats me much more softly now, and my children are now the ridiculERS at school, targeting the minorities viciously as I watch on proudly, and it’s all thanks to Victorio Kitchen Products.
62. NO USB CABLE! Giant
I would have given this item 5 stars except it did not come with a USB cable. Folks it’s 2012 almost 2013 and I can’t believe someone is selling a product that does not come with a USB cable! I know what you’re saying... USB is outdated by HDMI. Sure HDMI would be nice but a basic USB connection works just fine. I don’t want to ask for too much. Other than that, this item is GREAT. It’s freezer safe, dishwasher
safe, can be washed in hot and cold water, contains no metal so I could take it with me when I visit my family in prison. Another great feature that I love is when you’re not in the mood to eat a banana, you can use this as a stencil to draw a banana. Stripes and all!
63. WORKS ABOUT HALF THE TIME P. Canniff “paul206”
Slicer works well, but is fitted for RIGHT-HAND curved bananas only. With careful banana shopping you should be ok, but I order my groceries from Amazon Fresh, and they do not have any option when ordering bananas to specify curvature direction, so it’s just click-and-hope. Sad because it WORKS GREAT, when it works.
64. WILL I KNOW HOW TO OPERATE IT? Scoboco
This looks fantastic! But that last bullet point gives me pause: without packaging or a product information card, might it be too tricky for novices to just “give it whirl”? I worry. Has anyone seen info about classes (etc.) on how to operate?
65. THIS BANANA SLICER IS MY EVERYTHING Ethan L Butler
I can no longer hold a knife due to a tragic fan accident (more on that later), so discovering this little piece of injection molded ecstasy has redeemed my otherwise joyless and indoor breeze-free existence.
Let me start by saying that I have always been a little obsessed with slicing. It all began one fateful day at the pizzeria as I watched the owner slice the pie we had ordered for dinner. One “Hey, what’s THAT?” and some quick handiwork later, I had my pizza with a side of circular slicing wizardry. I started small, slicing pizza bagels, opening english muffins without the fork, and splitting atoms (take that, CERN). But my slicees quickly grew in size and diversity. No longer content to order my pizzas unsliced, I used an old high school chum who worked at Guinness to start lurking at “World’s Largest” attempts around the world, offering to slice their results for free and go for companion “Most Slices From A” records. It was at a World’s Largest Wienerschnitzel (WLW) attempt in Rimsting, Germany that things started to get out of control. There were huge fans cooling the main tent, and when I offered to trim their schnitzel with my pizza slicer, someone suggested I just throw it through the fan. At least I think that was the translation. Anyway, I agreed, and the result was intoxicating. Perfect schnitzel scheiben flew like a delicious veal-flavored rain from the fan into the tent and into the mouths of the stunned spectators. I was instantly and irrevocably addicted to the “fanning” craze I would single-handedly cause to sweep the world. In point of fact Ms. Dakota changed her last name to Fanning when she entered show business simply due to the profound impact of her days with the craze. Alas, that heady run could only end one way, and on a snowy July morning in Boston as I fed, of all things, a banana, into an indus-
trial grade HVAC blower, I slipped on the peel. My first thought, and I remember it as if were yesterday, was “Ow”. My second was that my slicing days were over. But the endless days of moping, fumbling with keys, and eating gray, tasteless, and unsliced food came to an end when I found a plain cardboard box on my doorstep. No return address, no note. Several days later, once I was able to gnaw through the tape, I lifted the lid, and a warm, yellow light shone forth. In a flash, I was at the kitchen counter with a Chiquita brand pre-peeled banana fixed by my gaze, the old slicing form returning as if it had never left. That night I feasted on ambrosia - at least it would have been, if I could have opened the mini marshmallows. So take it from someone who knows the ups and downs of the slicing game - IF YOU DO NOT BUY THIS SLICER YOU WILL BE FORCED TO SLICE YOUR BANANA SOME OTHER WAY. I do NOT recommend a fan.
66. It Just Needs A Little Refinement Kitchengenius
after using this product, I realized something, its a bitch to sharpen, after I cut my first 342,988 bananas, I noticed its edge was going bad. I tried using my automated knife sharpener on it and all the blades are gone. huh, I guess I will let you all know, dont try to sharpen the banana slicer. oh, and dont ever try to cut a hot dog with it, its not a hot dog slicer you caveman.
67. HOLD OFF FOR THE NEW MODEL Magilla Gorilla
Look I know it is a “Must Have” like the annual Iphone upgrade, newest version of windows and the latest model Ferrari, but if what I read in Technology World magazine is true, you want to wait on the Hutzler 572 Turbo. It is a serious upgrade over the 571, and lets be honest here, you do not want your neighbor showing off theirs, while all you have is the old 571? Sort of like that time you bought that 500lb Tube HDTV, and then your neighbor hung his Plasma on the wall a mere 2 months later. Besides rumor has it, the Hutzler 572 Turbo has an interactive app for Android.
68. IF ONLY ... BACK THEN Rosita Bonita
When I was young my mother sometimes served up cornflakes with sliced banana for breafast and, frankly, the bananas were poorly sliced. I chided her for it. “Mother..” (I would say in my best chiding voice) “... someday somebody will invent a most excellent banana-slicer. Right now, I wish they already had”. Well, now they have and the world is much better for it. I commend this slicer.
69. I USED TO CARRY A GLOCK - NOW I CAN REALLY PROTECT MYSELF! Richard H “Richard”
I had a concealed weapon permit, carried a Glock every day, attended tactical shooting training, and took self-defense classes. But no
more! Thanks to Hutzler, I can now more effectively defend myself against the dreaded Banana Fiend! I was worried sick that I would be attacked by someone carrying a Banana, the most dangerous form of tropical fresh fruit. Now you can neutralize the threat with 100% effectiveness and have a tasty snack at the same time. You too can defend yourself in 4 easy steps. Step one - Remove the Banana from the rapacious and villainous attacker. Step two - peel the dreaded fruit. Step three - apply the Hutzler Banana Slicer to the skinless Banana, thereby neutralizing the lethality of this dreaded killer. Step four - eat the Banana as a tasty snack and to prevent the inevitable cramping after all of this activity. Never leave your house afraid! Own the night! Own the Hutzler Banana Slicer!
70. I AM GOING BATNANAS OVER HERE! Iamtheknight!
I am a man on the go. I will just say I spend my nights on top of buildings prowling the streets of my crime ridden home town. I sometimes get in scuffles with psychopaths and need a pick me up afterward. Bananas have always been my number one fruit. They supply the appropriate amount of potassium I need to defeat evildoers. I stay light weight on my stake outs and don’t have a pocket to stick my beloved bananas in. So, I have gone with out for years. I have never been truly happy. Until...the Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer was released! I had my butler purchase one for me and I can’t remember a time when I was more happy. Each slice fits perfectly into my utility belt. So whenever I’m hanging above a vat of acid thinking of an escape plan or growling at a middle man to give me the name of his boss, I can enjoy a quick bite of banana bliss. So to any chaos causing clowns, fear flinging fiends
or Bane, beware the Bat is now powered with the proper amount if vitamins needed to take you down. Thank you Victorio, you are not the banana slicer I deserved, but the banana slicer I needed.
71. WHAT MANKIND HAS BEEN WAITING FOR B. Weaver
My great-grandma had to make do with a banana slicer made by her blacksmith father out of a solid hunk of wrought iron. It weighed 22lbs and three of her eleven children died from tetanus. If only she could have beheld the wonder of the 571B! This is without question the greatest invention mankind has ever devised and the first thing I mention whenever I talk about the importance of continuing to fund NASA.
72. WORKS WELL, BUT DEFINITELY A LEARNING CURVE Howie Duen
Initially, I had a bit of difficulty using this product. I pressed down firmly, but the banana slicer was not effectively slicing my banana. Finally, after much confusion and frustration, I realized you must first peel the banana before attempting to slice it with the slicer. After I removed the peel from the banana, the slicer worked quite well. I like to carry my bananas around in my front pants pocket. Before I purchased this product, I used to get a lot of “is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” jokes. Not anymore! The banana slices fit comfortably in my front (and back) pockets, and now my life is embarrassment-free. Thanks Hutzler 571 Ba-
nana Slicer! As an added plus, when I’m not using it to slice my bananas, the product also works perfectly as a banana-shaped ladder for my Star Wars action figure collection.
73. ONLY GOOD HALF OF THE TIME David Dale
I was disappointed that this banana slicer only comes in one model. It works like a charm for bananas that bend to the right, but it utterly useless for left-bending bananas. I end up having to eat my left curved bananas un-sliced like some kind of animal.
74. RUNTS NO MORE!!! B. Mecham “Scout179”
My kids love banana slices on their toast in the morning, however, as you know bananas wreak havoc on your knives. My knife sharpening bills were going through the roof and with the economy the way it is I just couldn’t keep doing it. I started sprinkling banana shaped runts on their bread instead. I had to tell them their dentist and nutrition teachers were liars. We have been using this tool for a couple weeks now and are very happy with it. The only reason why I gave it a four star instead of five star rating is I wish it came with a tool to open the drawer to put it away. Other than that I think it is positively perfect.
75. COULDN’T BE EASIER TO USE Gary Dean Walker “m2dad”
I bought the Lorena Bobbit model for my sister whose husband was making her life miserable with his temper. Now, whenever he gets out of control she just pulls out the banana slicer and threatens to use it on him when he is asleep. His anger management issues seem to be subsiding. Thank you Victorio for your awesome product.
76. IS THIS COMPATIBLE WITH A MAC? Julee Kramer
I read most of the reviews and have not been able to figure out if you can use this banana slicer with my MacBook Pro or do I have to use it with a PC? I hope it it compatible with my Mac because all my other breakfast foods work on either platform.
77. THE BEATINGS HAVE FINALLY STOPPED Jon Frank
My wife, armed with a micrometer, digital scale and oak stick, insists that I provide her with banana slices that are consistently uniform in size and mass. She’s a math professor (a particularly sinister breed I might add), so wasn’t easily fooled. This product has finally afforded me some relief. Not only have the daily breakfast-time beatings stopped, but she’s actually considering letting me watch 30 minutes of TV weekly as a reward, provided its a programme on banana slicing.
78. WARNING! NOT SUITABLE FOR HOME CIRCUMCISION! Scott L. DO
I couldn’t afford a mohel for my son’s circumcision - so I thought this would do. Now my son’s schmeckel is in 16 evenly-sliced pieces. Not kosher! Not kosher!
79. SOLID POINT-AND-SLICE 18ER, BUT ONE SMALL NIGGLE J. Hall “pubjoe”
Before I begin, let me say that the 571B has become my daily pointand-slice tool. It is now a firm addition to my pocket inventory. The 571 is basically a rebadge of the classic 491. This is the long awaited B version which adds waterproofing, a 12% more lightweight chassis, sloping stalk ends, and various pro-sumer targeted features. Short of heavy duty models with adjustable spines, this is the most consistent 18er you will find at this size. Period. It scored an 87.6125 slice rate in laboratory testing. My only niggle is that I miss the ‘elasti-loc’ groove that was found in the late 4 series models. In trouserless situations where utility belts are impractical or frowned upon (IE: in my local indoor swimming pool), I found that with the 571B tucked into my speedos, it did not hold firmly to my hip and I was often having to adjust it back to my side. One time I nearly missed an impromptu BS opportunity when the 571B wasn’t in immediate reach. What a panic! Luckily I was directed to its location by the helpful pointing from my fellow pool patrons but this may not always be the case.
Yes, it is compatible with the swimwear-attachment housing (v141) to combat this problem but I found that to be cumbersome and detracted from the freestyle nature of this product. It is compatible with the redesigned lanyards, but after the controversy surrounding ‘nipplegate’, I’m still not comfortable using them.
80. GOING BANANAS SweetTee
Before I purchased the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer, I was struggling with depression. You name the pill, I was probably on it. I was basically walking around life high as a kite on anti-depressants. Life was hard. You see, as a young child my mother never taught me how to slice a banana. I had to just ... eat the banana AS IS. This was very difficult for me. All my friends were eating peanut butter and sliced banana sandwiches, having fruit salad with sliced banana, simply enjoying the fruits of the sliced banana. I was living ignorantly in a world where everyone sliced bananas. I was constantly teased about eating bananas whole. I often went home and cried myself to sleep over the scrutiny of everyone around me. As a result, I grew a fear of the banana. I was diagnosed as having Bananaphobia. This is a highly researched phobia, and is basically unable to be cured. I hid myself from the world most of my teenage life due to Bananaphobia. I felt ... undesirable and lost. This continued until about 2 weeks, 3 hours and 57 minutes ago,
when I purchased the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer in attempt to feel better about myself. LET ME TELL YOU ...I am forever a changed woman. Now I hold my head high in confidence! I walk into a room and basically demand attention. I have never felt more beautiful in my life. I was changed that day ... and for the best I tell you, the BEST! Everyday I go to work, eating my sliced bananas, and I can tell people think I’m awesome. I see them out of the corner of my eyes ... just staring at me in pure envy, wishing they too, had a perfectly sliced banana. One man even thought I was so awesome, he proposed to me!! I don’t know much about him ... but I knew he had good taste ... sooooo ... I married him! Together we eat sliced bananas, and dare people to taunt us. So, THANK YOU Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer .. THANK YOU for making my life complete and finding me true love!
81. BIG YELLOW JOINT G.M. Bluth
I was recently promoted to ‘Mr. Manager’ at my job. For three generations my family has sold Frozen Bananas in Newport Beach, CA. Now because of the 571B Banana slicer, I am able to offer a new product. Frozen banana slices! Thanks to 571B, there will always be money in the banana stand!
82. SAVED MY LIFE DURING “THE GREAT WAR!” John Maki
I remember, back in the day, we were issued a military model of the Hutzler that was olive drab, not yellow. In addition to slicing
bananas, it could be used to prepare that nasty bully beef loaf in our rations. I can picture it clearly, as if it were just yesterday... There we were, anxiously waiting in the rain and mud for the signal to advance into no man’s land. Through the coils of barbed wire and across the field pocked with water-filled shell holes, we could barely see our objective - the enemy trenches. Up and down the line, the order was relayed: “Fix....Hutzlers!” Almost as one, we snapped our slicers onto the lugs below the barrels of our Enfields, and waited. That was the worst time...waiting...some of us praying. There! The sound of the whistles and we were over the top, scrambling like rats to get through the wire and across that wretched field! Somewhere off to the left a Maxim started chattering, and soon it was joined by the distinctive snap of Mannlicher rounds. On we ran, fighting the muddy footing, cursing, screaming, slipping, closing...always closing...and then we were on them! Words cannot describe the effect our Hutzlers had upon the Hun. I...I cannot speak of it plainly, even today, for it brings a cold pain to my chest. See? Now my hands are trembling to think of that day...the look on their faces. But, for those of us who survived the crossing, the Huntzler proved to be the turning point, the edge that broke the stalemate along the front and ultimately led to the Armistice. There are few of us left today who remember that time. We gather
once a year to reminisce and perform a toast to those comrades who paid the ultimate price. And we toast the Hutzler, for without it I am certain we all would have stayed in that god-forsaken muddy hell until it became our common grave.
83. THIS BANANA SLICER WORKS GREAT, BUT BE CAREFUL! Rashelle Jones
I purchased this banana slicer with innocent intentions. I simply wanted an easier way to slice bananas for my kids in the morning. I was sick and tired of the horrific hours spent painstakIngly slicing bananas one coin at a time. When I saw this banana slicer on Amazon, it was like the heavens above opened and angels began to sing. I had to have it. I ordered it and set up a tent next to my mailbox so it wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands. A tool this powerful has to be guarded at all times. 3 to 5 days later, it arrived. The anticipation was almost too much to handle as I ripped open the nondescript cardboard box. There it was, the tool that would change my life for the better. I nervously peeled the first banana of the morning, not knowing whether to be scared or exhilarated. I placed the banana cutter over the banana and started pressing down, gently at first, then harder and harder as my confidence improved in leaps and bounds. Just like that, I was through the banana. I let out a little gasp. It had felt so good!
I quickly peeled another banana and sliced right through it. Then I sliced another . . . Then another. Soon all the bananas in the house were sliced, but I wasn’t ready to stop. I had to slice more bananas. I went to the store, intent on buying a couple bananas to fuel my new addiction. When I saw all those bananas, I couldn’t control myself. I started opening them and slIcing them right there in the store. Needless to say, I was asked to leave by a clerk who gave me a knowing look and muttered “banana slicer got another one” as he ushered me out the door. I rushed to the fruit stand and bought every banana they had. When my fiancé got home work, he found me frantically searching through a large pile of banana peels in hope is missed a banana. I gave this banana slicer 5 stars because it works as advertised. Actually, it works too well. I’m writing this review from the library in Ithica State Prison because I was caught in a neighbors house slicing bananas. Use it at your own risk.
84. NO MORE DANGEROUS BANANA SLICING, A GENIUS INVENTION! Smonkeywoman
This product has saved me thousands of dollars in medical bills! Whilst attempting to slice a banana in the traditional, barbaric way, I have injured myself on 9 separate occasions, three of which required emergency rescue transportation, six of which required sutures, and one reattachment of my left third digit. I don’t have
medical insurance, so just imagine all the bills piling up and the collection agencies calling. Since purchasing the 571B Banana Slicer, I’ve only sustained very minor abrasions requiring little or no medical attention! Do yourselves a favor and buy one today! It’s unbelievable how much money you will save!
85. POOR SUPPORT A. Benenson
After purchase I realized that this banana slicer only worked on bananas that bend to the left. I couldn’t find one online that bends to the right, so I called support. Unsurprisingly, like everywhere else, they seem to have outsourced it; whoever was on the line didn’t even speak English - it was just EEK-EEK! OOK-OOK! OOHOOH-OOH-AAH-AAH-AAH!!! Would not buy again.
86. OOPS! princess luluchild “wanna dance”
Boy, is my face red! I purchased the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, mistakenly thinking I was getting the Hustler 571. My husband was in so much pain he couldn’t remember the safe word and we spent a really embarrassing night in the ER. While he was healing, I did try it on some bananas, and it worked great for that.
87. GREAT IMPROVEMENT OVER PREVIOUS MODELS thunderchicken
I have to give Hutzler tremendous credit for their diligence and commitment to product improvement. After the previous 570 models, the 571 finally has achieved banana slicing bliss. There
was model 1, a hammer, and 73, which resembled a paper slicer, but only sliced the bananas one slice at a time. They had some messy copyright claims from egg slicer manufacturers with the models in the 150s, and then the company spent most of the 200s waffling between electric or battery-operated models. The solar powered models in the early 500s only worked on sunny days, so the green movement subsided and finally, the 571 now reigns supreme. Even Chuck Norris has one of these.
88. IN RECOVERY David P. Marciniak
For what seems like my entire life I’ve abused cooking wine. Until now I thought it was all about my failure to marry, hold down a job, do basic home repairs... but they were just symptoms. I felt powerless when slicing bananas; others sliced so cleanly, symmetrically...my slices looked sophomoric and unprofessional. But praise all that’s good, this product GAVE ME MY POWER BACK. I make perfect slices each time, and no one can know what that’s done for me. I’m off the cooking wine, got a job at Panera’s, and i met the love of my life. Thank you, banana slicer. You saved me.
89. I WANANA A BANANA!! SwellManJ
Another victory for Victorio! It was hard to take a break from banana slicing to write this review, but I just had to be the first to get the word out. I fear my hands may forever be locked in the shape of the ol’ 571B, but honestly I
wouldn’t mind it. I could slice all day. I don’t even mind that Live! with Kelly featured a competitor’s product on her phenomenal show. I know Kelly has never led me astray before, but I have to hand it to this slicer. I mean Kelly is only human, and sometimes she makes a mistake. And honestly I haven’t even noticed a real decline in the show’s quality since Regis left. Sure, no one’s quite as sharp as Regis (other than the Victorio slicer! LOL), but Kelly has really been holding her own on there. It must be so difficult to be a mother of three and juggle a professional career, but that woman makes it look easy. Michael, Lola, and Joaquin are so lucky to have Kelly for their mom. Guys, if you ever are shopping for a new banana slicer and see this, please know that your mom, Kelly Maria Ripa, is a saint. And also say hi to her from me! LOL! Okay Amazon says to keep this between 75 and 300 words, so I had better wrap things up. I don’t want this review to get BURIED by some other Victorio fan who wrote a more concise review than I did. Slicer or dice her I always say!
90. MMMM...MMMM....GOOD Da Banana Lova
I use to spend hours in the house slicing a banana!!! But NOW with the 571B Banana Slicer I have time to do the things I have ALWAYS wanted to do like making FUN macaroni pictures with my daughter, making cute little pigs out of milk jugs and homemade pot holders are always a real joy!!! Well gotta go now, it’s time to start making our Popsicle stick Christmas ornaments for this coming Christmas!!!
91. GAZE UPON MY SHATTERED DREAMS BanaNinja
I was an outsider. No purpose. No direction. While classmates fostered talents and refined skills that would blossom into lucrative careers, I couldn’t even eat paste without choking. I was desperate. Alone. That is, until I found the ancient discipline of banana slicing. The great unwashed masses sliced their bananas with a blithe indifference. For me, the existential joy of a proportionally sliced banana had been uncovered, laid bare before my disbelieving eyes. I had been reborn. Decades I spent, training in the banana underground with banana masters of South America, Southeast Asia and India. A patient student of the banana, I was meticulous. Discipline. Dedication. Focus. These forged a master bananaman. I returned stateside. The goal: A Banana Slicing Empire, built one evenly bite-sized banana nugget at a time. ALAS! CURSED HUNTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER! My life’s pursuit lost to a safe and economical tool that slices bananas perfectly and is easy to clean! Again I drift, guided only by the hope of turning my skill upon the unchecked scourge of unsliced bread loaves. Huntzler 571 Banana Slicer, victory is yours... for now.
92. COULDN’T BE MORE PLEASED Chris likes it
I’m shocked at some of the poor reviews I have read here. The complaints about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer curving the wrong way are completely ridiculous. Cmon, use your brains people!! Is it really that hard?? The solution is so simple. You just need to order TWO Hutzler 571 Banana Slicers....one which curves left, and one which curves right! Problem solved, and now you can slice BOTH TYPES OF BANANAS WITH EASE. The only snag here is the box is not marked so it’s not clear at first which version of the slicer you get, so you might have to order a couple extra until you get one which curves the right way. However, the extras make FANTASTIC gifts since I’m sure we all agree that life without the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is like living in the stone ages.
93. THIS JUST IN FROM LONDON: AMERICA WINS THE GOLD MEDAL IN BANANA SLICING DancingInPDX
After 56 years of Olympic domination by Japan’s famed “Samurai Slicers”, America’s Chica Dole took gold today in the finale of the banana slicing event. The American dominated in all three aspects of the scoring system - speed, slice quality and style. Ms. Dole’s style points were mostly attributed to her minimalized physical exertions and surprise rendition of Harry Belefonte’s Banana Boat Song, which was seen as a welcome change from the highly exaggerated sword poses and traditional war screams. The event was not without controversy, as the American used a new
technology known as a Banana Slicer, specifically one engineered by Victorio Kitchen, which the delegations from Japan, China and Brazil protested would create an unfair advantage. Their claims seemed justified since Ms. Dole, a middle-aged housewife from Portland, OR with no previous athletic training or experience, shattered all previous records after only having bought and first used the device 24 hours prior to the Olympic trials last month. “I was planning to attend the trials anyway, which took place a few miles from my home, when I saw the 571B on Amazon. I thought, `what the heck’”, said Ms. Dole to NBC Sports shortly after the victory. Asked if she would try to defend her title in Rio, she replied “no, my 11-year-old daughter is already faster than me and can text with her friends at the same time. Instead I’d like to coach the American team to a medal sweep in four years.” Delegations from other countries promised to return in 4 years with their own device designs, but that was apparently not enough to sooth the obviously distraught Japanese athlete, who committed ritualistic hara kiri on the silver medal podium. Witnesses say Ms. Dole offered use of her banana slicer for the act, but it was apparently too late.
94. I HATE BANANAS Argus Muckluck
I hate bananas. I hate their flavor, I hate their texture, I hate their yellowness. Now, thanks to this wonderful Banana Slicer, I can destroy and mutilate bananas with alarming alacrity! Sometimes, I slice up hundreds of bananas in a single day, then throw them out,
just to show how much I hate them. Before, I would have to spend so much time in the destructive process, but now, my anti-banana pogrom can ascend to greater heights!
95. MUCH SAFER THAN THE ORIGINAL MODEL Nombre de Pluma
This is so much better than the metal one. The doctors were not able to reassemble my finger after I slipped while cutting bananas with the metal version. I don’t think they even had the pieces in the right order. With this one an error while slicing is hardly worse than 10 paper cuts. That being said, you probably still shouldn’t drink while using it.
96. A TIME SAVER IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE! proudmom
Not only does the Hutzler 571 save time slicing bananas (that much is a given), but ever since I’ve been slicing my bananas instead of eating them whole, my husband has been “bothering” me less. No more naughty ideas filling his dirty mind. I know what you’re thinking. I could just eat my bananas sideways, but that would just waste more time... SECONDS that I just don’t have. Granted, cleanup is a bit time consuming and slightly cumbersome, but it beats the “other” cleanup any day.
97. WILLING TO GIVE DR BANANA A SECOND CHANCE Overthemoon
I received this item as a present but it was not accompanied by instructions. I was unable to work out how to operate it despite repeated attempts and discarded it. I concluded it was not appropriate for combing a cat, protecting a small child from UV light, watering hanging baskets or playing 78rpm Shellac records from the 50s. Now I have come across this item again here, and have read the rave reviews, I am thinking of trying again. My only concern is that the picture shows a banana touching the implement, and I’m allergic to bananas. I presume this is just a visual reference to the name of its inventor - presumably a Dr Banana?
98. SAVED MY SANITY Grateful
Well, I’ll just start at the begining. I LOVE banana and avacado sandwiches. My kids love them too. I found the avacado slicer about a year ago. That revolutionized the way I viewed my sandwich. The avacado slices were even and clean cut. The banana on the other hand was a disaster. For the longest time I used my husband’s axe to chop up the banana. This worked ok, except for the time the dog was trying to get the banana right before I chopped it. So long fido. Anyways, I eventually switched to using a machete. It was much lighter and safer around my two year old. One day my BRILIANT neighbor was telling me how she peeled her bananas.
Genious, I thought. So another reform in my preparing my beloved avacado banana sandwich. Still, I had a long way to go. Every day I would try to achieve those perfect uniform slices for the bananas that I had for my avacados. It was still a disaster. After going through around 23 bananas trying to get uniform slices, I would chuck the bananas at the window and fall onto the floor weeping. So, my 2 and 4 year olds almost never got their lunch. They just ate the rotting banana off the window when they got hungry. My husband was really concerned about me. One day I was lamenting over the fact that I hadn’t eaten my utopian sanwich in almost 9 months. I too had resorted to eating the rotting banana off the window. Anyways, I came across this banana slicer on the internet and ordered it instantaniously. The day the postal lady brought that little package to my door was the start of a whole new life. The slices were beautiful!!!! I and my children now eat our beloved sandwich daily with no meltdowns from mom and no rotting banana on the window. My husband was shocked at the change. He ordered me a box of fifty for my birthday. He even let us a get a new dog. Thank you Hultzer!!!!!!! I am now on my way to achieving my dreams and living the utopian life I always wanted.
99. FIX FOR WRONG BENDING BANANAS S. Torres
Like many other reviewers, I was disappointed that this product would only cut the bananas that bent in the right direction. I felt very wasteful throwing all those other bananas away. Then one day I bought a batch of bananas I knew were really too small to
fit the curve of the slicer, but they were all my supermarket had. The slicer cut them just fine! That’s when I realized that if I cut the wrong bending bananas in half, I could position them in the middle of the slicer, and it would cut them! Since this discovery, I’ve used a knife to cut those bananas in half first, but I’ve also used a large spoon and even a fork one time. I discarded the unevenly cut piece that resulted as well as the uneven end pieces. Still, it was a lot less waste than throwing away all the wrong bending bananas. My husband warned me that the tool was not meant to be used this way and that I might void the warranty, but I’m willing to take that risk. I think this fix should be included in the instructions. As other reviewers have mentioned, the instructions are not very useful.
100. ANATOMICALLY CORRECT Mrow
As a botanist who specializes in fruit anatomy, I saw this product and I was astonished and angered. I had been trying for months to replicate the delicate framework of a banana, but to no avail. My diagrams, flawed. My models, childish. I toiled over the material and the color for my models. I tried to use string to create them, but it didn’t travel well. Next I tried rocks, but they were difficult to glue together and much too heavy to carry. Finally I settled on cheap plastic. Finally, I had my material! Cheap plastic would be light enough to carry and durable enough to ship. Now onto the color... I tried blue, white, black, pink. Nothing looked right. I couldn’t figure it out. I had my diagram and I had my model. What was wrong? I just couldn’t understand why it didn’t look right. I had given up. As days turned into weeks, weeks to months,
I began to become a recluse. After years of self loathing I came across the most peculiar thing. Whilst browsing the interwebs I had found my model! Only it wasn’t MY model... it was the 571B Banana Slicer. 571B BANANA SLICER! Its dimensions, its configuration, its proportions all correct! It looked glorious. Oh so glorious! I began to weep. My model... finally it had a color that was so perfect it seemed godly. But how. How could my model have gotten into the wrong hands?! How could anyone have known about my research? Then it hit me... Mojo Jojo. He had been my old community college buddy and was the only one that could have know about my dream of creating anatomically correct fruit models. He must have gotten to my paperwork. He must have seen my blueprints! He is using my design in a convoluted plan to take over the world! PEOPLE, this is not a banana slicer! It is an anatomically correct banana model that is being falsely advertised to be used to slice bananas so that slowly our human hands will no longer know how it is to firmly grasp a weapon! Mojo Jojo is using my models to cause your hands to become soft! I beg you, pick up your knives! Learn how to wield one again! As I hope it’s not too late...
101. SHAKEY BUSINESS Esch
I have Parkinson’s and I find it deeply offensive that people would make fun of a banana slicer. It is obviously for use by the disabled, and it has been a life changer for me. Before, my hands would shake so bad I would miss the banana completely and shank myself in the gut. I have saved on hospital bills and embarrassing confrontations from my controlling children. They said it was too ex-
pensive, that I was a crazy old man, that I would have to sell the farm to pay the bills. Well, I did. I bought 200,000 of them and I’m leaving them all to the Church of England.
102. MARVELOUS APPLIANCE THAT WILL REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR KITCHEN! Educated Banana Consumer
I have devoted most of my adult life to purchasing, testing, and reviewing banana slicers. Due to the stunning lack of quality banana-slicing products, this led to a fruitless (no pun intended) and frankly depressing life. That all changed when my manservant Ramone returned home from the market one fateful day with the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer. Not only was the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer efficient, easy-to-use, and a timesaver, it came with many wonderful alternative uses. For example, when my vacuum cleaner needed a new spring, rather than plunk $50 for a new part, I simply installed the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer in where the missing part went, and voila! No one can tell the difference! In addition, it helped me refinance my mansion, automatically polished my new Mercedes, rebuilt my love life, and best of all cured my AIDS! I only wish that I had found this wonderful Victorio 571B Banana Slicer in time to tell my late deceased friend Jim Norton about it. For those who never had the pleasure of knowing him, Jim was a sweet boy who dreamed of being a famous stand-up comedian before his life was cut short due to the terrible AIDS virus. He is missed by all who knew him. Well, enough of my emotional remembrances. The Victorio 571B Banana Slicer is simply the greatest thing since sliced bananas, and
if you haven’t already purchased one, than you have no worth as a human being. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for Jim Norton.
103. DISHWASHER SAFE MY BUTT... Countrysquire
First, I hated to give this a one star review because it slices bananas like a champ. Like several have already mentioned, it only works on bananas that are curved the same direction as the Hutzler. This might seem like a big deal, but it’s really not. During an extensive three day testing period, I found that about half of the 1200 bananas were curved in the right direction. This should work fine for the average consumer that eats half of his or her bananas and uses the other half in their cereal. Also, these should work well for the local school district which is now mandated to give 3 banana slices as part of a larger 125 calorie lunch per the new rules from Michelle O. So what’s not to love? After you use this thing to give you beautiful, symmetrically sliced bananas, it’s got to be washed and that is the rub. It claims to be dishwasher safe, but boy, did I learn better. I loaded what I thought was a well engineered product into my dishwasher, pushed start, headed into the living room to watch a Lifetime Network Victims Movie marathon and that’s when the trouble started. After about 5 minutes, I heard a small explosion and snapped around in time to see a small mushroom cloud rising above my dishwasher. This frightened the cat which had been laying there and he shot across the room with the last three inches of his tail on fire. Howling like... well, like a howler monkey, he bounced off three walls and then knocked over a vial of sulfuric acid that was sitting on my end table. We won’t get into why I had the sulfuric acid there, but Google ‘home removal of
venereal warts’ to get a better idea. Anyway, the acid burned a hole through my linoleum and cost me four future treatments. Bottom line, if you buy one of these things, be prepared to wash it by hand.
104. NOT FOR EVERYONE Christina Martin “Carmel Sundae”
At first, I was very pleased with the performance of this slicer. When it works, it works well. But then my daughter tried to use it, and was unable. Apparently it’s a right-handed slicer, a fact that they neglected to mention on the packaging. I’m a little irritated that they do not even offer for sale a left-handed model. This makes it very difficult to involve my daughter in the food preparation process to help her develop the skills she will need for marriage one day. It also means more work for me, as I can’t share the work of banana slicing. On the plus side, I will say that this slicer has ‘cut’ my food prep time considerably, even if I can’t share the work. It is a very wellmade product, aside from the hand bias. I hope they will come out with a left-handed version soon. I would buy it.
105. I AM NO LONGER DOOMED!! Cole Enos
For years now I have been cursed with the Thanksgiving chore of making the fruit salad, after delicately slicing all the other varieties of fruits It would seem ok! But then came the banana. You’d might call my banana slices “uneven” or “awkward” so much to the extent my family would be so discussed with my slicing per-
formance they would banish me to the corner where I was forced to eat my Thanksgiving dinner alone. Filled with embarrassment I would cry for hours while my cousins would point and laugh at me. I was done for.... Atleast until the 571B Banana Slicer came! With its graceful blade and sexy look, I will never have to worry about lumpy and uneven slices ever again! It works for all sizes! No more eating in the corner for this guy! Now, this thanksgiving I will be filled with approval and get to sit at the grand table where I belong. THANKS BANANA SLICER! YOU NAILED IT!!
106. BE CAREFUL PEOPLE! M. Cederholm
This is truly a great product, no question. I used to make 2-3 trips a month to the ER due to banana-slicing injuries, so this has been a Godsend. However, if you’re thinking of buying one, you have to be aware of something very important... The Hutzler 571 is designed for use by AT&T Wireless and Metro PC customers. It is NOT COMPATIBLE WITH VERIZON WIRELESS. You can try using it with Verizon Wireless, but not all of the features will be available. Unfortunately, the only VW-compatible product, the Apple iSlice, is not at all designed for bananas. For $29.00 you can buy a conversion kit, but that’s a crude way to go. There are rumors that the HZ571 can be hacked, but I’ve had loads of experience with this and can’t figure a way to hack this one. I’ve also heard Hutzler is working on a Verizon Wireless compatible model, but that’s completely unconfirmed. A YouTube video of a Verizon version appears to be faked.
If you really need a good banana slicer but have Verizon Wireless, you should go ahead and buy. Just be warned that it may not live up to expectations. Full disclosure: I do not own stock in Verizon, AT&T, Amazon, or Hutzler.
107. THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD SAID... BAmy (Winter Garden)
I was stuck in a land far from my home with no passport and no comrads so I turned to Amazon for an item of solace. As soon as I came across this big yellow smile, I knew I had found the perfect item to turn my frown upside down. Without reading the description any further I ordered this little jewel. I waited eagerly for my slice of happiness to arrive. I realized I had a real treasure when I opened the package. Not only did I have a smile to brighten my days, I had a kitchen gadget, too!!! I was so estactic that I knew I had to rush to the corner market right away to buy a bunch of bananas. To my continued misfortune, the man in the market had just sold his last banana. I strolled down the little dirt road back to my hotel. On the way I passed a cantina and decided to go in to drown my sorrows. Now that I knew my plastic yellow smile could do more, just having it was not enough. I was sitting alone at the end of the bar in the little cantina re-reading the instructions for my beloved 571B Banana Slicer for the enth time to be sure I would be ready to use her properly when I could finally find a ripe pealed banana. Suddenly there was a commotion behind me.
A green bottle with two red exes came sliding down the bar and stopped right beside my Slicer. In slow motion, a man with beautiful silver hair sat down beside me and peeled back his banana. His peel landed in the trash behind the bar in one smooth swoop. Girls swooned all around him. “May I borrow your slicer?,” he asked. I nodded, unable to speak. In a deep, sexy voice he said, “I don’t always eat bananas, but when I do, I slice them up even with my 571B.” Needless to say, I joined his harem of swooning girls and traveled the world doing only the most interesting things. I always travel with my 571B. After all, it changed my life and made me one of the most interesting women in the world!
108. ALIENS & BANANAS Abby Duction
This banana slicer literally saved my life. A few months ago when I was using my Victorio 571B to slice bananas for a midnight snack, a UFO landed in my yard and I was abducted by aliens. They wanted to take me away with them, but when they saw the slicer in my hand they couldn’t take their eyes off of it and took the 571B instead of me! Just yesterday, I was watching a special on the Mars Rover and thought for sure I saw a picture of my slicer!
109. CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! Christen “Hot chick”
Christmas 2011: My husband bought me the WRONG color Range Rover, I asked specifically for 3 carat diamond earrings and he got
me obnoxious 5 carat studs, I also wanted to spend Christmas in Vail and he surprised me with a Chalet in Aspen. Needless to say I wasn’t speaking to him for days after the 2011 Christmas season..... that is until he totally redeemed himself by surprising me with a Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer!!! I was literally beside myself with joy when I got my hands on that thing, it seriously changed the way I eat bananas and I swear they taste better. Gentlemen, if you are in the dog house this is the ONLY product that will get you out. Thank you Victorio for saving Christmas and my marriage!
110. MUST HAVE! DON’T QUESTION IT, JUST HIT BUY NOW! MiniAssassin2012
For those of you like me who are getting ready for the Zombie Apocalypse, this is a MUST HAVE tool! I had already packed my survival bags when I came across this item and I just couldn’t pass it up. When food supplies are low this 571B tool will help you divide bananas equally so no one feels like they are getting ripped off (which could lead to fights and cause noise that could attract zombies). THIS PRODUCT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE! The only downside that I’ve found (which on it’s behalf is rather amazing) is I lost it yesterday and was searching my whole house trying to find it. I tore through the kitchen drawers and looked everywhere. Then sadly looking at the bananas I realized I’d never be able to slice again, I saw it. Snuggled warmly between two juicy bananas. Great camo 571B, great camo.
111. GREAT PRODUCT. HORRIBLE SUPPORT AND DOCUMENTATION Chris Allen
At first glance it would seem that the learning curve of this product would be moderately difficult at worst - however, be ready for the orientation period. I found it challenging but rewarding once bananas began to fall out like gold coins at a pirate’s wedding. However, I found their was no product support 800-line what so ever. Amazing?!? Also the written instructions are ambiguous, misleading, and quite mischievous. I pray they narrow the gap and expand on their arrogant one line instruction, “Line up banana with slicer and push down.” Fix this and you have a 5 star product.
112. THE HIGHWAY TO **** IS PAVED WITH POORLY SLICED BANANAS Memily Giraffe
I always struggled with cutting bananas. Should I use my holiday cookie cutter set? My spoon? My laser pointer? My chainsaw? Sometimes the options were so overwhelming that I’d just throw caution to the wind and eat the banana skin-on. This tool has really taken the complexity out of a task that had left me in tears time and time again. Thank you Vittorio Banana Slicer.
113. THIS CHANGED MY LIFE! Dapro
Before I bought the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer, I had no friends. Whenever I would try to slice and eat my banana with a fork, people would make fun of my uneven slices. Whenever I tried to bite it
off, I got even more awkward stares. Needless to say, this product truly changed my life. Now, I can eat my perfectly sliced bananas AND have friends. Thanks Victorio!
114. STOP RUINING YOUR KNIVES! THE BANANA MESSIAH IS HERE! Jedi Muppet
In the past few years I have been prescribed multiple medications for anxiety and sleep related issues. I have seen specialist, taken stress test and have even started yoga. My wife and I could not figure out why this sudden change in my health. Until now! I wake up every morning at 5am and stress about getting my morning banana perfectly sliced before I run out to catch the train for my new job downtown. We have 17 month old twin girls and live in a small house with a ARM mortgage that is about to explode at the end of the month, but that’s besides the point. For years I have struggled to find an easy, safe and practical way of slicing those pesky bananas. My wife ordered this for me and BAM - I can now wake up refreshed. We had no idea that cutting banana’s for breakfast could take such a toll on my health. My family physician recommended I stay on my medication, but I think he just wants to collect the money from my insurance company. I said “No way doc! I cut bananas with ease and peace of mind - and am going to live my life stress free.” Even on days that I am stuck in traffic for 3-4 hours trying to get to my job that is destined to fail because it’s managed by a bunch of crooks that can care less about it’s staff, I have my perfectly sliced, slightly brown F#$%#@ bananas! The best part. This F#$%# can even slice green bananas. I got a little over zealous and tried slicing plantain with this, and it was just a little bit
too small for that class of fruit. God speed Hutzler! You have not only made our breakfast stress free. You have saved my life. Edit: I have raised the star level to 5. I realized that if stranded on an island this would be the first thing I would want. It’s that good.
115. PROGRESS Med Student
When I was younger, my Oma would tell me about when she was a little girl back in the old country. She lived in a poor mining village in which there was only one single banana slicer, centrally located for all to use. She would often speak to me of the long treks to the banana slicer and back, uphill both ways, shoeless, trudging through three feet of snow and stopping only to warm her feet in cow pies when her toes began to turn blue. If only Oma were alive to see this amazing invention. Thanks to the very affordable and widely available Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, Oma’s successors will not have to struggle to enjoy perfectly sliced bananas as she did.
116. THIS HAD TO BE IN THE TOP TEN MOST FANTASTIC APPLICATIONS OF INTELLIGENCE! Xylophone Beggery
I have to say, I can’t possibly think of a better use of one’s intelligence than the creation of the 571B Nana Slicing device. Why on earth would anybody which to contribute to medical advances, or bridge he gap between nations whom have been at war for decades when you could spend the time creating this splendid product?
It is a far superior design to that of the wire item that was created circa the 1960s to slice eggs using the same principle. As of course plastic is a far more sustainable and recyclable production substrate. I would be completely unable to go about my daily life bereft of this product as I don’t appear to have any ability to apply myself enough to think of an alternative kitchen utensil to slice a banana!
117. GREAT BANANA SLICES, BUT... Bryan Jones
Slices bananas as great as more expensive banana slicers, but, really...it’s not “Three Wolf Moon t-shirt” great. Alternatively, can be used as a mullet-trimming guide, so it is quite the little multitasker!
118. THE TAO OF BANANA Ken B Bartline
The path once long is short the object once complete is parted. In parts now complete each in the circle apart, afloat in my milk and cereal much better than before. As time may divide each moment separates
by seconds divided; each banana, too, is yin, where once yang.
119. DANGEROUS! NEEDS CHILD SAFETY LOCK! Erin
My heart is still pounding after walking in on my ten year old attempting to use this CLEARLY ADULT product without my permission. I slowly approached, so as not to startle him and to my horror, I saw that he was attempting to position the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer directly over the center of.....a RED GRAPE. Time seemed to pass in slow motion as I sprang forward, calling out “Noooo!” in a deep, gutteral voice that I didn’t even recognize as my own. My son was too fast though, and my stomach churned as I saw the grape eject forward like a rocket propelled grenade, ricocheting off his left shoulder, and landing back on the counter in a blood red heap. I held him for a long time after that, while he innocently laughed and laughed, completely oblivious to the tragedy that was averted only by the good grace of God. To make matters worse, I lost the receipt for the grape and I’m pretty sure the one year warranty expired, so I have been twice victimized by the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.
120. STILL NEED HELP WITH THIS!!!! Eunectes
HELP! This seems like it could be the answer to my prayers...however once I skin the banana and throw away the bone...I am left with nothing to slice!!!! What am I doing wrong!?!
121. DIDN’T WORK TXfarmer
Great idea for me as my kitchen knives are not sharp enough to cut through the steak I cook, let alone a ripe banana. . However, when I tried to use it, I ended up slicing off a chunk of skin from my finger. The banana remained completely intact, but just ended up getting soaked in my own blood from my now stubby finger. Not sure what happened, but I’ll be returning this to Amazon as it seems to be defective.
122. About perfect! Rannvá “NotManyTrees”
Hutzler Devices Corp., an almost 90-year-old, Iowa-based manufacturer of exquisite products for the home (e.g., the EZ-Electric Dog Polisher, the Hydraulic Suppository Insert-o-tron, etc.), has created its first kitchen product! The Hutzler Banana Slicer (HBL) is a dream come true. (Hutzler, why did you wait so long?) This beautiful product--it’s yellow, just like bananas!--slices an entire banana in a single stroke. If you were to slice the banana with
a knife, it would probably take you an extra 10 seconds to do it. Also, let’s say you want to slice only half of the banana. You can cut it in half with the knife and then slice one half with the HBS. And the next day you’ll have the other half to eat! (Just be sure to put the second half into the refrigerator right after you slice the first half because the second half will be too squishy-gooey for the next day. Who likes to eat squishy-gooey banana halves or slices? I sure don’t.) I’m giving the HBS only 4 stars, though, because of what is a major drawback--for me at least: I like my banana slices to be about 1/5th inch wide. The HBS slices your banana into pieces that are 1/4th inch wide. The 1/5th inch width slices look much nicer on top of a bowl of granola. Perhaps more important is the fact that eating 1/5th inch slices is easier on your digestive system, not to mention how gobbling down 1/4th inch slices makes you look like a starving pig. Think about it. You know I’m speaking the truth. Bottom line? Well, do NOT let the slice width keep you from using the Hutzler Banana Slicer. If you don’t buy one, you won’t possess what surely must be the finest banana slicer on the market. Heck, it might even be the only banana slicer on the market. I guess the only way I could find out is to google “banana slicer” on Google. com. You can find info on just about everything on Google--even maps! I love the internet.
123. BANANA SLICER OR UNDENIABLE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD? Lisa Fairman
I’ll admit, I’ve been an atheist for some time...until I bought the 571B Banana Slicer. Now I am certain an intelligence far greater than our own exists in the universe. Some days I just sit in the woods with it and ponder the magnitude of our limitless existence through this “simple” device. It has shown me metaphors that apply to my own psyche and life. If I can endure the pain of “cutting” through my self-centerdness, the “fruit” of my labor will be the “sweetness” that follows. I’ve abandoned my Bible, my community, and broke up with my boyfriend. I don’t think Banana Slicer approved of those relationships. But it’s fine because I’m happy now. Really, really happy.
124. SEVERAL FALSE CLAIMS... Brian P. Monaghan “monaghan1976”
It says “great for cereal”... well that’s BS... I have been wanting to find an alternative to spoons for about a decade so when I saw the claim “great for cereal” I bought 2. Neither of them worked for my cereal... Fruity Pebbles and Rice Crispies fall right through, don’t even try Grape Nuts... some of my CocoPuffs and Cap’n Crunch stayed on the slicer, but no milk ever made it to my mouth. Oatmeal kinda stays on it when you dip it in like a Fun Dip, but this does not live up to the claim “great for cereal”. And then it says kids love slicing bananas... whose kids? Mine love PS3, iPhones and being mouthy... I gave them the slicers after the
cereal debacle and all they did was throw them at me. I expected tons of banana slices and child joy in my house and all I got was milk and Fruity Pebbles on the floor and a scratch under my eye from one of my little brats chuckin’ the stupid thing at me. So I’m back to my search for a spoon alternative for my cereal - for which the Hutzler 571 is not “great”. :(
125. DO NOT USE FOR CIRCUMCISION Peter Glaser
As a professional Mohel I am always looking for ways to expedite the circumcision process so I can get straight to the sacramental wine. When I heard there was a dedicated “Banana” slicer I was, needless to say, excited. However, this device is entirely ineffective at “Banana” slicing. As a consequence of some circumcision mishaps, I have now had to promise over 25 free Bar Mitzvah ceremonies (or Bat Mitvahs, depending on the availability of reconstructive surgery) to the parents of the children. Do not attempt to use this product for circumcision! Please stick to your favorite rusty knives or, for the traditionalists amongst us, semi-automatic pistols.
126. MARRIAGE SAVED We Ten Sheep
I must confess that I was more than a little skeptical about this product when it was recommended to me. Our marriage was totally on the rocks. As far as we were concerned, nothing could save us; it was too late. Years of unresolved banana-slicing issues had killed all traces of our love. We had tried counseling, but found
that there is NO ONE out there who understands this marriagekiller. “Lighten up! Does it really matter if the banana slices are perfect?” they would flippantly ask. Or, worse: “Isn’t your marriage worth spending 10 seconds slicing a sticky banana with a knife?” We could find no help anywhere, and we knew the problem was only going to get worse with time, as we entered our golden years and had to eat more and more bananas to keep our potassium levels up. Well, thanks to all the great reviews, (especially the one from KRWE30 with the very relevant rhetorical question of, “what’s the point of even getting married if you can’t find a quality banana slicer?”), I decided to check into this new device. I sought advice from trusted friends, and with the support I got from them, I approached my husband. We prayed about it together, and he was finally convinced by the review from Happyhubby with the military endorsement. It was a big decision, but we decided our marriage was worth one more try, and we sprung for the Victoria 571B model. No cheap substitutes; we had too much at stake. Oh. My. Word. I nearly wept with joy after the first use. If you have never had banana-slicing issues, it is hard to understand the difference this humble little tool has made in our marriage. NO more grumbling about slicing bananas, EVER. Now, if you can believe it, we even tease each other about who “gets” to slice them that day, lol, it’s so much fun to use it. We have talked about splurging on a second one!
Don’t wait til it’s too late, like we almost did. I see the price has dropped to $5.49. We bought ours when they were $8.50, but we have no regrets; it has been so worth it.
127. NOT SHARP ENOUGH CurlyFries
This product worked well enough on my bananas that were naked, but it made an awful mess when I used it on my bananas in pajamas.
128. COMPATIBLE WITH BANANA 5 M. rogers
What a useless product. After downloading a Romney’s fortune worth of bananas (mostly Dole, a few Chiquita’s) I found out that this product won’t work with my banana 5. I feel like a huge schmendrick, waiting in line for 3 days in a tent outside my local produce store for the newest banana. I tried downloading the software patch, but when I crammed the Hutzler into my floppy drive it told me to connect the HDMI cable. The problem is that the cable is proprietary and not available for non-subscribers. I got a cheap knock off from China, but it still wouldn’t peel. When I called Hutzler, they said it was a problem with my banana and to contact Dole. Dole says it’s Hutzler’s issue. I can’t spend a lifetime trying to figure this out. After a firmware update, my banana 5 won’t even connect to the internet anymore. I’m glad I backed up everything before I started, but to restore back to banana 4s is just silly. Thanks for nothing Hutzler, I’m starving! PS: it’s not even Wifi!
129. SAVING THE LIVES OF CHILDREN EVERYWHERE FantasyFanatic
There is nothing a child loves more than slicing their own banana. This is an irrefutable fact of science. The problem has always been, “How do they do it? What do they use?” Given their lack of knowledge, it was not uncommon to see a child hacking away at a banana with a spoon for hours on end, until their tears wiped the mashed pulp of their once proud fruit off the cutting board of their shattered dreams. Even worse, more adventurous children would resort to power tools. I’ve lost count of the number of state wards I’ve lost to banana cutting related accidents in my wood shop. You might say “why don’t you keep those orphans out of your woodshop?”, but that is ridiculous, because I need their tiny, skillful fingers to craft the wooden dowels that keep up my extravagant, banana rich lifestyle. Thankfully, the Banana Slicer solves all these problems! It is a marvel of modern science, and if only it could also peel the banana, I could completely prevent the loss of orphan limbs to belt sanders. God bless you Hutzler. God bless us every one.
130. A GIFT FROM GOD shoebaby
OMG. As a child I was often teased for my poor banana slicing abilities. My uneven slicing caused me so much grief and anxiety that I was unable to leave my home for the past 20 years and have since lived with my parents. I earn a meager living working out of my parents’ basement reviewing pyrimid schemes for home based businesses and writing warnings about them on various web sites. Thanks to Facebook, I am able to keep up with the outside world and recently changed by status to “in a relationship” with a one handed lawyer I met in a chat room. Although we have never met in person we chat every day on FB and even have plans to Skype. I was up late one night, I usually can’t fall asleep easily since I still hear the taunts that were hurled at my growing up about my banana slicing skills. The children were especially fond of singing “Lucy Lucy you can’t slice and you will never ever be a mans wife.” Through my tears I looked up at the television screen and saw the most wonderful product on an informative info mercial. I was skeptical but desperate. The days awaiting its arrival were an eternity and I won’t lie as sucidal thoughts did cross my mind. Finally the postman delivered this amazing God send. I prayed silently before attempting my first banana in over 20 years. I was also heavily medicated and had prepared myself for dissapointment and another 20 years of living in my parents basement which occasionally floods. Tears of gratitude flowed from my eyes as I sliced the much despised yellow fruit. “Shock” is the only word that can describe the results as I stared in disbelief at the perfect slices. Yes, I said “PERFECT” slices. The years of outrage at practically being held
prisioner by a crippling fear of leaving the house the sun, which I hadn’t felt in ages on my skin, blinded me I triupantly yelled “How do you like me now bitch! Suck it.”
131. WARNING:571B ON THE TSA PROHIBITED ITEMS LIST Leftfieldhero
I love having perfect banana slices. It’s that feeling like when you make your bed in the morning, things just feel “Right.” So I saw one of these “Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicers,” while on vacation at the outlet mall in Hilton Head, SC, I had to have it. I purchased some bananas for the flight back to Madison, WI. Well, I had quite the surprise while going through security at the airport. It turns out that the 571B is on the TSA Prohibited Items list. I was taken to a small windowless room in the airport and me and my bananas were dealt with very harshly. I wish I would have known about the ban an I would have shipped it home and avoided quite a bit of unpleasantness.
132. WOODY ALLEN FIRED ME OVER THIS TOOL discordian “Hail Eris”
I WAS Woody Allen’s personal assistant and thought we were getting on quite well until I had the bright idea of speeding up the making of his breakfast with this device. I could easily make a dozen perfectly even slices from one medium banana, brilliant! When I approached Mr. Allen with his cereal and beautifully sliced banana the next thing I experienced was a bowl of shredded wheat, 12 banana slices, and 2% milk in my face and dripping down my
shirt followed by “12 slices? 12 slices? My bananas are to be cut into SEVEN slices!! Now I’ll have bad luck for the rest of the day! You’re fired!”. Thanks a lot Victorio Kitchen Products.
133. DAAAAAAAAMN SONNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Pen Name
So mah homie calls me up and he’s all like “yo dawg you gots ta check out dis here banana slicer I gots up in here!” and I’m all like “bruh you must be trippin callin me all talkin about slicin bananas and stuff” but he’s like “nah man I’m fo real dis banana slicer be OFF DA CHAIN YA HEARD it’s from Victorio yo” and I’m like “fine I’ll be over” so I get there and he whips out dis here peeled banana and da Victorio banana slicer and BOOM! straight sliced right thru dat bad boy and I was like “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN SONNNNNNNNNNNNNN DAT SLICER DO BE OFF THA CHAIN!”. So I was gonna gets me one of dese fine products but den BAM! Birthday present boooooooyyyyyy! Needless to say dis dude is mah new best friend in da world. Get you some of dis slicer!
134. THIS BANANA SLICER SECURED MY FINANCIAL FUTURE James J. Pellegrini
Many of us have been there: you wake up one morning, and realize you are drowning in debt. School loans, mortgage, credit cards, car payments, debt so deep you can’t see the bottom. Finally, something snaps, and you realize something must be done before you plunge over your personal “fiscal cliff”. This is the kind of problem that requires professional help.
Luckily for me, I was able to find a financial adviser who could help me out of this impossible morass. She spent weeks going through reams of receipts and gigabytes of personal finance data. She drilled down and discovered my greatest fear: it was my “bananas out” budget that was killing me. In my heart of hearts, I knew it to be true: the coffee shop that sliced bananas onto my oatmeal, the luncheonette that made my King of Rock & Roll Peanut Butter and Sliced Banana sandwich, and the prepared food bar where I picked up my sliced snacking bananas at my local supermarket were all bankrupting me! What to do? It seemed impossible that I would ever be able to slice bananas at home like the pros that make it look so easy. Sure, I can slice an avocado, even a tomato, but a banana? Let’s not go nuts here. Just when I had resigned myself to a life of poverty of homelessness, an email appeared that described the solution to my intractable problem: The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Beware of imitators! Only the Real Deal will do for anything more than a one-bananaper-day habit. Sure it’s pricey, but it’s worth it! Would you entrust your family’s financial future to anything less?
135. BEST INVENTION SINCE THE BREAD SLICER! Go Banana!
This is amazing! I consider myself to be a genius, and I’m upset that I didn’t think of this invention. And believe me, I tried. This is way
more efficient than any of the inventions I made. The use of plastic technology makes so much sense. I tried making a banana slicer that sliced by using rocks, water, duct tape, voodoo, and beaver pelt, but none were as effective as this device. I even tried making a banana slicer that slices bananas by using other bananas. Comparing my ideas to this device is like comparing apples to Apple iPod nanos. My wife loves this too because now she doesn’t need to rely on sweatshop workers to slice her bananas. She still uses the workers to cut her bananas, but she’s glad she doesn’t have to rely on them. It’s always good to have options in case of a rebellion.
136. NO LONGER EMBARRASSED Woody
Being so busy and on the run all the time, I never have time to sit down and eat a proper breakfast. So I use to always shove a banana in my left front pocket on the way out the door. It use to drive me crazy though, cause people would always ask me “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad to see me?”. Hearing this embarrassing question constantly led me into depression and I had suicidal thoughts. After I was introduced to the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer by my medical professional, life is so much brighter. I can now quickly slice the bananas (1.263 seconds faster than with a knife) and evenly distribute the pieces between both front pockets. It’s amazing, people now have no idea that I even have bananas in my pockets.
137. PATENT INFRINGEMENT Sean Powell
In 1992 I created the zucchini slicer, an idea way ahead of its time, and I now find myself shocked at the clear violation of my original patent. My slicer was also yellow and bent and people mocked me, saying ‘no one will ever be able to properly slice their zucchini’s with that monstrosity’. I was unable to find a financial backer to take the idea from development to manufacture, and I didn’t have the vision or foresight required to make the complex series of connections from zucchini to banana. I do however feel vindicated,and slightly emotional that all of the hard work has finally found an appreciative public.
138. BASICALLY THE BEST THING EVER Bananagrams
I used to get so stressed wondering how the devil I’m supposed to slice my bananas. I would try biting a piece off then spitting it back out onto the counter. Then the 571B Banana slicer came into my life. I have never been happier. It’s come to the point where I feel like I really no longer have any need for human contact. It’s so useful around the house that I’m now petitioning the state of Illinois to allow me to legally wed my 571B banana slicer. I hope that one day soon, I will be able to show off my dazzling ring to people and tell people that I’m now Mrs. Slicer.
139. BLATANT ETHNOCENTRICITY C. Guevara
I can only say that as someone of Latin American descent, I am deeply disappointed in Hutzler. This product may slice right through the lazy, white flesh of the banana, but against the proud, firm skin of a plantain? No bueno. And yet, I see no plantain-specific model offered by Hutzler to accomodate my needs. No, not just my needs, but the needs of my people. This is a blatant example of what famed social commentator/little person Gnome Chomsky called the ‘anglicization of the marketplace.’ Well, if Hutzler thinks that we will take this cultural affront lying down, they are wrong. I am calling upon all of my fellow Latinos and Latinas to join me in Gorilla Warfare (the Gorillas have agreed to stand in solidarity with our cause) against Hutzler. ¡Hasta la victoria siempre!
140. THE BEST IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE Rick Grimes
I can’t say enough good things about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. It has become THE tool to use in the ZA. Totally makes up for when we left the bag full of guns at Hershel’s farm when it got overrun. For months when we were on the run, slicing bananas the old fashioned way was putting too much stress and strain on the group. Our regular knives were pulling double duty slicing bananas and walkers both. I cannot explain the mental anguish this caused everyone, in a world where slicing bananas has to take the backseat to walkers. Now we can slice our bananas with ease and joy. It’s
even replaced my Colt Python, as I just cannot be without it. I might as well admit here and now that this was the real reason for the decline in my marriage with Lori. She refused to use the H571, well, that sort of thing will break any marriage. With the help of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, I’ve been able to move on. I do not know what I’d do without the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.
141. A COUPLE OF MINOR WARNINGS EVula
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Caution: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer on concrete. Discontinue use of Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer if any of the following occurs: * itching * vertigo * dizziness * tingling in extremities * loss of balance or coordination
* slurred speech * temporary blindness * profuse sweating * or heart palpitations. If Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, Hutzler Manufacturing Company, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.
142. MAKE YOUR OWN AND SAVE MONEY John Kelly of Berkeley
It’s a real shame the way the old traditional crafts are disappearing. I can’t believe people are actually shelling out $3.38 of their hard-
earned money for something like this when it’s so easy to make a better one yourself. Just take some leftover armature wire from your last project--9-gauge works best, but anything between 11-1/2and 6-gauge will do. Bend it into a banana shape (you may want to use a banana from the pantry for a template) and with a triangular file make notches at 3/16-inch intervals, or 1/4-inch if you like your slices thicker. Take some stainless-steel or bronze wire, about 22-gauge (old banjo strings work great) and loop it around the notches, starting at one end and advancing every couple of loops. Keep it good and tight. Tie a knot at the end with needle-nose pliers, trim off the excess, and cover up any sharp ends with a drop of solder. Voila! You have a banana slicer every bit as good as this one for less than a dollar. Back home we’d make them in several thicknesses--3/16-inch for normal use, 1/4-inch for camping trips, 5/32-inch for formal occasions. My little brother got a whupping for making one that made 7/16-inch thick slices. Dad said 1/4-inch was OK for roughing it, and even 5/16
143. I WANT MY PRE 571 LIFE BACK!! WTF
I hate this product. It has destroyed my life and my soul. I’ll start from the beginning. Bear with me here... I was a happily married women with 3 wonderful, respectful, and kind kids. We had a beautiful life together. I was head of the PTA, Soccer mom of the year numerous times, and a local fruit salad champion of the county fair for 10 years. Then..... everything changed.
This stupid banana cutter was invented. But I had never heard of it. I had always spent hours cutting perfect slices of bananas. My fruit salads were always raved about due to my perfect banana slices. No one else’s came close to mine. Also at cookouts and parties I always made fruit trays. My kids and husband would always show their friends how perfect my slices were. They were so proud. Then..... other moms were showing up with unremarkably perfect banana slices. I just couldn’t believe it. How did they do it? I would try asking some of them but because of my previous fame of near perfect slices they held a grudge. They ostracized me. I was kicked off the PTA, striped of my soccer mom of the year titles, and my county fair titles were publicly stricken from me. My kids and my husband were so ashamed of me. I felt so inadequate. I felt like everything I did was wrong now. How could I compete with these other women? Well dearest friends, the answer is I couldn’t. The kids started coming home with letters from their teachers asking me to please stop putting banana slices in their lunch. They said it was near child abuse that I forced my children to eat neat perfect slices when the other kids ate perfect slices. My husband started buying his lunch. Then came the worst... I started feeling like I didn’t matter to my family. The kids started staying over at their friends houses and my husband was sleeping with his cute young secretary. When I confronted them they all got mad at me! They asked how I could be so selfish. How could I expect them to eat the banana slices I produced. I tried and tried so hard to make these perfect slices everyone wanted. But I just couldn’t do. It was over. CPS took the kids. My husband took of
with Miss Hottie Tottie. I was losing the house and car. I had to start “working” the streets. Due to my overwhelming feeling off inadequacy I tried staying up all day slicing bananas (since I was working at night). But I was always too tired. A customer of mine gave me something that was supposed to help me stay awake. 3months later I was a meth junkie with no teeth, no dignity, and no reason to live. Then I saw an infomercial. About this so called perfect banana slicer. Due to overwhelming shock and despair from realizing that my enter life had changed thanks to this flimsy piece of plastic I fell over and died. I’m writing this from above. The WiFi here is amazing. I’m trying to get over the loses I’ve suffered. But it’s very hard. So thanks a lot Hutzler!
144. PARADISE LOST Pierre R. Theodore
What have we come to as a society where the most precious moments now fall prey to automation? I can recall as a boy growing in the Ozarks waking each cold morning to go pick bananas from the local 7-11 with my Grandpa. We would bring them home in a wicker basket. He lectured me like Polonius on women, intimacy, bananas (occasionally interweaving all lessons at once). We would arrive home to spend hours by the wood burning stove fighting off the winter’s chill slicing bananas so uniform you could measure the snowfall in bananas - each hand made slice measuring precisely an inch. Well thanks Hutzler. This is all gone now and my Grandpa has only his avocado scoop to live for. Another “slice” of the American experience has become rotten from thoughtless technology.
145. YOUR PLANET IS NOW WORTH SAVING Postman “Postman”
We, of the planet Arkendra, were going to stand by and watch as you, of the planet Earth, destroyed yourselves through war, greed and fear. But, recently we became aware of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and realized that your planet was worth saving. So, on December 21, 2012, we will land on your planet to rescue you from yourselves.
146. TIS THE SEASON R. Coleman “Crunk Panda™”
I bought several of these after our Zoo presented wish lists from the animals. There was everything from sugar free Jello(tm) to radios on the list. Yet nothing that seemed to aid in the department of banana eating. After I received my order, I went immediately to the zoo, threw a handful over the fence and exclaimed “JUMANJI”. After I made bond, I was informed I was no longer welcome at the zoo. I’d like to think I’m still welcomed by the monkeys since I gave them the best Christmas ever.
147. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES Ander
You should be ashamed of yourselves for making fun of such a fine and useful product. The truth is, it’s useless for slicing bananas. Rather than producing the perfect clean-edged slices you see in the photo, it just mashes
up even the most stouthearted, “Okay, if my time has come, at least I’m going to end up as some fine-looking slices of myself ”type banana. And then you’re left with this big, messy, banana-covered plastic thing that takes 10 minutes to wash by hand. Sure, you can throw it in the dishwasher--but what’s next? Throwing your neighbor’s barking dog in your dishwasher, or your rude teens, or your psychotic boss? Do you really want to start thinking of your dishwasher as the ultimate solution to life’s problems? Not a good idea. So if it’s so impractical, why do I give this product five stars? Because it has another purpose, something it does astoundingly well: You can use it to hang-dry and re-use pieces of dental floss. I have about 30 strands going on mine as we speak. I’ll probably never have to buy another spool of floss again. And because it’s shaped like a banana, you can hang it in your kitchen and add a festive, novel floss-themed accent to the friendliest room in your house. (If your bathroom is the friendliest room in your house, you obviously don’t need any help in the decorating department.) If only Martha Stewart had known about this in prison, where I’m sure she was using one sink for everything.
148. PLEASE!!!!!!!! Anne Squires-Dorsey “AnneMontana”
Dear Amazon - when can we expect the Kindle version of the “Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Reviews”? I am absolutely positive it will become a run-away best seller by Christmas! Of course, if you
do a paperback or hardback version, it could be packaged with a free banana slicer, which could make it an even more popular seller, and an ideal present for weddings, bar mitzvahs, children leaving for college, and those awkward people who already “have everything”. I await the publication date with eager anticipation, and my credit card at the ready.
149. LOOKS DELICIOUS, BE CAUTIOUS BDAIL “dailfonic”
I’m not really sure why they decided to make the 571 Banana Slicer yellow. Yesterday after firing up an appetite doing some mass banana slicing, I decided to go old school and eat a banana by just putting it directly into my mouth and biting. Wouldn’t you know it I accidentally ate the 571BS. I still gave it 4 stars because my BMs lately have been eloquently divided into small even slices. Simply Amazing!!
150. PRODUCT CANNOT BE SHARPENED! Joshua Gross “The Reviewer”
After slicing through approximately 4,000 bananas for a local charity event, the banana slicer started to go dull. I took it to my local hardware store for sharpening. They put it in their banana slicer sharpening machine and my banana slicer came out without any slicers. I was devastated! To make a bad situation good, I tied a string to my toothless banana slicer and hung it in my hamster cage. Now Alfie has a lounge chair that he’s always wanted. I hope they come out with a stainless steel version so it can be sharpened.
151. SPEED KILLS Bossbanana
This product slices bananas fast. I mean really, really fast. A few days after receiving the Hutzler 571B, I realised I was cutting WAY too many bananas just for the rush you get from the power of extreme speed-slicing. I couldn’t waste the pieces, so I was eating them all myself! Within days I began to notice I was putting on a lot of weight. It really became an addiction, and my health has suffered badly as a result. After counselling, I think I have things under control. But I’m worried for others who may try the product without understanding that this much banana slicing power can be dangerous, or even fatal. Maybe this thing should come with some kind of speed limiting device, or at least a warning on the label?
152. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO SLICE BANANAS WITH KNIVES C. Friedrichs “MOE - Master Of Everything”
I got bronchitis and I ain’t got time to slice bananas with a knife. Ain’t nobody got time to slice bananas with a knife. Well thanks to the handy dandy Hutzler 571 ain’t nobody got to waste time slicing bananas anymore. Good lord Jesus, it’s a miracle.
153. SNUG AS A BUG IN THE RUG! Cletus
Me and the woman bought this here fine product ‘while back, and darn it if it didn’t dill my pickle! I says to Maudette, ‘Maudette,
why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briar patch?’ She be saying to me, ‘Cletus, I’s been on the lookout for a classed up naner peeler ever since that tornado done torn down our park, and snatched all our britches and children! Gots ‘ta have somethin’, right?’ I was as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs! I’s told her she needed that dang contraption like she needed another hole in the head. But she were right. Them bananers was granny-slappin’ good!
154. AMAZING GADGET! Monkey
I have been biting into bananas like an animal for the last twenty years! Thank goodness the Hutzler Banana Slicer came along! Now if only someone will develop a poo flinger so I don’t have to throw my feces at the wall with my bare hands . . .
155. THAT’S IT?! peeved
I wanted to give the Hutzler 571 five stars but it only is available in one color--yellow which makes it difficult to distinguish from the banana when I’m slicing in the dark--and it doesn’t come with a handy carrying case for when I’m on-the-go. WTF!!!
156. DON’T LET THE SIMPLE DESIGN FOOL YA!!!!! J.A.
Just a banana slicer? How can it be???? I have found 127 various uses so far; ranging from trimming my beard, using it to hunt game, even a universal remote for the TV. I live in an isolated area so
you don’t have a store nearby. When Mr. Winter pays us a visit, we have to wait months before the spring removes the snow melt. Had I not had this thing during the financial crisis of 2008, I don’t know what Me and Momma would have done. My buddy tells me it saved his marriage. MY ONLY COMPLAINT: I wish it came in camo color, and had a belt loop attachment. The bright yellow color can give your location away when hunting large game. UPDATE: yesterday my 8 kids drew a face on it and named it “Gustavo”. I came back from my 2-day scouting expedition and those RASCALS are still running around the yard, playing with their new friend. YEAH use #128!!!!
157. A WORD OF CAUTION... SamSchlemiel
Don’t let the 8.99 price tag fool you, this thing wound up costing me over $25,000. But it’s a great slicer and does a bang up job, even on the mushy ones. The Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer arrived at lunchtime and I used it to put together a nice fruit salad. I washed up the dishes and went to put the 571B in the utility drawer. The drawer tends to stick but now it’s almost overflowing with gadgets and wouldn’t close. I gave it a good shake and a whack thinking that will both redistribute things and close the drawer. Actually it caused the bottom of the drawer to fall out. Everything fell into the cabinet underneath causing my carefully stacked collection of cast iron skillets & griddles to collapse.
I have a 1-bedroom apartment on the 2nd floor of a Co-op in Flushing; it’s on the market in case you or someone you know is looking. The weight of falling iron and gadgets combined with serious undetected water damage in the flooring sent the contents of my cupboard down into Mrs. Schlimazel’s kitchen below me. She had just finished prepping a roast for dinner and was about to put it in the fridge when my stuff came through. The paramedics said she sustained a number of injuries including a concussion and multiple lacerations from the Joie Simply Slice Strawberry Slicer, the Progressive International Avocado Slicer and the Norpro 121 Grip EZ Jalapeno Corer. There were also abrasions from the Amco Pepper Prepper, the Stainless Pineapple Slicer with Wedger, and the Leifheit 37200 Cherrymat Cherrystone Remover. Her left hand was badly bruised when it got wedged in both the OXO Good Grips Mango Splitter and the Amco One-Step Corn Kerneler. But wait there’s more- she sprained her right ankle stepping on the Amco Corn Desilker and suffered a pretty deep puncture wound from the Chef’n StemGem Strawberry Stem Remover. I’m not at liberty to say where she was punctured but it took us a while to get her off the floor.
Thank the holy lord she’ll recover but now I’m in a huge fight with the Insurance Company, the Co-Op Board and the contractor. I put a lawyer on retainer but he isn’t returning my calls. But these are my problems; the 571B is a really good slicer.
158. SHORT OF EXPECTATION J. D. Vandenberghe “JD VDB”
All my life, I used to gulp entire bananas at once. At least two every morning for breakfast, which induced a stomachache usually lasting until lunch. Then I bumped into this product. Imagine my face when I realized one could actually slice bananas! I ordered it immediately. It worked well for a couple of times then broke. In my opinion, it is not sturdy enough. Unless you have access to bananas with thinner skin.
159. SIZE MATTERS L. Bobbitt
I recently found myself in the market for an effective “banana” slicing product. I had used a much more inefficient older model several years ago that, while ultimately effective, definitely needed some improvement. The previous model was somewhat clumsy and required me to use more of a “sawing” motion in order to sever...errr...slice the “banana”, not to mention the need for vodka and a significant helping of sleeping pills...umm, as I was saying... This product looked to be a godsend; less arm strength required and you get more slices in one shot (which makes portability of the “banana” a non-issue). See, I personally feel very strongly that
when one slices a “banana” one shouldn’t have to settle for halfway. Honestly, if I can toss a sliced “banana” out of the window of a moving vehicle into, let’s say, a roadside forest it shouldn’t be able to be found again and REATTACHED as a WHOLE NEW BANANA...are you KIDDING ME!!! This product would make that virtually impossible - WINNING!! **AHEM** anyhoo, I would have liked to have given this excellent item a better rating but I had to go with just one star as it only comes in one size and I happen to need it a bit smaller *sigh*
160. THEY SHOULD OFFER A ADJUSTABLE WIDTH & SIZE Jessica A. Weissenburger
I don’t care what anyone says -- size matters! The Hutzler 571 is an amazing time saving tool, but it’s not entirely ideal. Why just the other day I purchased some bananas just so I could try this thing out, but I was horrified to find that some of the bananas were too small, others were to big, some curved too much, and some had no curve at all. In the end only one banana fit perfectly while all the others were a mess. The small and straight bananas didn’t cut evenly while the big and curvy ones needed to be pre-cut before you could cut them. At first I thought it must be the store’s fault for selling me faulty bananas. However, when I went to return the bananas and wound up in a shouting match with the manager they called the police on me and now I’m banned from shopping at my local Pick N’ Save ever again. After picking up second rate bananas from Walmart, I experienced the same dilemma and concluded that it must be the
banana slicer, not the bananas. Initially I thought I should apologize to Pick N’ Save, but after careful consideration I instead threw a bunch of poorly cut bananas at the manager’s house and I am now on the run for suspicious behavior and vandalizing a house. I am writing this review from a McDonald’s in Canada hoping that my warning will save others from my fate as a criminal on the run and to ensure my family that I am safe in an undisclosed area. We’ve been forced to communicate through Amazon reviews since the police are most likely tapping their phones. If only the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer came in different or adjustable sizes to suit my needs, this all could have been avoided.
161. THE REST OF THE STORY By R. Saunders
There is a little known story about how man’s age old desire for evenly sliced bananas led to satisfying an equally fundamental desire of mankind. It involves the subject Huntzler 572 slicer and its antecedents. Back in the late 1890’s a Mr. Kellogg of Battle Creek Michigan invented a new breakfast cereal made of flaked corn. It was marketed as “Corn Flakes” (that’s why advertising/marketing people make the big bucks) and became wildly popular. Meanwhile at the same time and in the small town of Dayton Ohio, two young men were toiling in the family banana plantation. They
had heard of the new taste sensation and thought the perfect “app” for that would be their bananas. Not just any bananas but perfectly, evenly sliced bananas. They felt a fortune; née a “bananza” was awaiting the first one to invent such a revolutionary kitchen appliance. They immediately began to tinker in their backyard workshop to perfect a simple easily affordable banana slicer. After working long hours during the day tending to their bananas they would work into the night by the light of a kerosene lamp as they sought perfection of their dream. They knew time was nipping at their heels as they had heard of a Mr. Huntzler who was also working to perfect a banana slicer. Although there was now unexpected competition in the race, the brothers took solace in the fact that Huntzler had made what they thought was a fatal design flaw; namely that his slicer only would slice right hand curved bananas. The brothers felt the future was in a right hand/left hand banana slicer and they redoubled their efforts. The problem was, as you may know, because of its harsh winters, only right handed bananas can grow in the Midwest. Where were they to get a regular supply of right and left handed bananas? After Goggling “right hand/left hand banana microclimates” they discovered coastal North Carolina was where they needed to be. They soon moved to the small coastal town of Kitty Hawk and began to turn their idea into reality now that it could be tested with both types of bananas. Their design had evolved into a structure which, when viewed
from above, looked like a cross. There was the main central structure which set on the ground above which and at 90 degrees was attached the cross member. From the cross member were suspended on either side a motor for a total of two. Attached to each motor was their brilliant design breakthrough namely the “aeroslicer” a 5-foot diameter fan blade into which bananas were fed. Left side for left handed bananas and the right side for- you guessed it- the right handed ones. The design was brilliant for its simplicity, ease of use and its incredible slicing capacity. Each day they would test their design by turning on the engines and then feeding in bananas. They were surprised to find out that the aeroslicers caused the whole contraption to move forward. This setback was solved by mounting the slicer on rails and assigning one brother to ride on it in order to direct its movement. One day they were in full test mode. As the slicer moved down the rail there would be a total of four assistants, two on each side- one in front of the aseroslicer (the `chucker”) and one in back (the “catcher”). As the slicer raced ahead the chuckers would run alongside all the while flinging bananas into the aeroslicer with one hand while using the other to keep his little black cap from blowing off. Meanwhile the catchers would run behind the aeroslicer holding a large fishing net in one hand, the kind you see when they catch those enormous salmon up in Alaska, and of course the other holding one of those ubiquitous black caps. Anywho, and I am getting to the point of all this and guessing many of you already know the ending, as they were racing ahead an amazing thing happened. In the immortal words of one of the
brothers, Orville,” The darn thing just took off”. Wilbur chimed in that maybe they were onto something bigger than slicing bananas, as hard as that was to fathom at the time. And so, as they say, the rest is history. The brothers timing could not have been more fortunate because on the very day the aeroslicer took off Huntzler patented his very first banana slicer, that being the immortal model 001, which after solving issues relating to being made out of leather and whalebones proved to be as important to modernizing America as the Model T Ford. As to the current model it is interesting to note Huntzler has yet to solve the left-handed banana slicing conundrum although I suspect left handed bananas could be sliced if you lived in the southern hemisphere- kind of a phenomenon related to toilet bowls flushing counterclockwise. Anyone from down under care to comment? Note: No artificial sweeteners, stimulants or GMOs were used in the preparation of this review
162. DON’T UNDERSTAND Andy Ross
I don’t understand this product at all. Once you peel and slice a banana, it LOSES ITS RESALE VALUE!!! I cannot stress this enough. Serious banana collectors should steer clear of this product. This is only for hobbyists and beginning banana enthusiasts looking to learn more about the insides of bananas.
163. IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BANANA SLICE YOU M. Khodorkovsky
In soviet Russia, banana slice you. So every time I want eat banana, I have to fight to cut banana before it slice me. Now, with banana slicer, I can take down my bananas as easily as Putin takes down his political enemies.
164. DOESN’T WORK FOR BLUEBERRIES E.
I purchased this hoping to cut my blueberries into more manageable sizes. Every other slicer I own works well on multiple items. Not this one. It works better as a juicer. Am I really expected to purchase a separate slicer for every piece of fruit? I couldn’t even get it to slice plantains satisfactorily. Hutzler needs to take a lesson from Ginsu. When this thing can slice a beer can, I’ll reconsider purchasing more for my friends and neighbors. And for godsake, employ some ergonometric engineering on the next model. I practically poked my eye out with this one.
165. THIS WAS MY TURNING POINT G. Peoples
20 years of marriage. My wife, my kids, my home, my reputation, my faith, my dignity. Gone. I turned to drink, no help. I turned to sex, it got old. Drugs? They only brought back the pain. It was a very, very,very dark, cold, lonely place. I had reached the bottom, and right now a lead injection to the brain delivered via my trusty colt seemed like the only way out.
Then a beacon of light. A banana-shaped beacon - slicing through the darkness. Many, many slices. The Hutzler. That old demon that started all this - the time taken to stand there and cut, cut, cut. It was gone! My wife, children, home, wealth, faith, hope, happiness - something to believe in, it’s all back. This banana-shaped plastic object with multiple plastic blades has given me a reason to go on. Thank you Hutzler. Thank. You.
166. BUT WHAT ABOUT LOW-GRAVITY ENVIRONMENTS? Nick K
After watching many videos of this slicer, I have concluded that it is a near-perfect product that would suit my needs on almost all of my travel adventures. It would fit in my suitcase, clear the airport, and work on bananas from other countries. However, since I am currently on a covert mission inside the International Space Station (ISS), I cannot recommend this product for zero- or low-gravity environments. I’m concerned that, after slicing the banana, all of the pieces would begin to float away and become very hard to collect. Some pieces could even get lost - thus keeping the banana from fulfilling its true nutritional potential. If you or a loved one is planning on going to orbit anytime soon, I would seriously reconsider purchasing this device. Until the creators of this product find a suitable way to deal with or prevent floating banana slices in a zero-gravity environment, I cannot give the product 5 stars.
167. TOO FLIMSY!! DM
I purchased this product when I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I thought it would be perfect for creating the Lorena Bobbit Casserole from Ruby Ann’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook. However this cutter is made from plastic and was unable to make satisfactory cuts. He just woke up and started yelling at me and asking what the hell I thought I was doing. Would give this product ZERO stars if I could. Customer service was also extremely RUDE and would not refund my money.
168. DOES NOT WORK ON HARD OBJECTS!!! The Queen of Colors
I bought the Banana Slicer because I had heard that it solves everyone’s problems. I had hoped to use it to cut large rocks into smaller pieces so I could make a gravel pit in my back yard. IT DID NOT WORK ONE BIT! I’m sending it back first thing in the morning!
169. SO MANY MORE FEATURES THAN THE HUTZLER 570 Jocelyn Balls
As an owner of the Hutzler 569, 570 and 571 I’m here to tell you that this banana slicer is far superior to the other models. The 569 would leave stringy banana “veins” all over the bars. The 570 would cause the banana slices to turn brown and the kids would scream and cry when I tried to get them to eat them. The 571’s Siri feature is very helpful when needing information on the history of the banana and import/export laws. The 571 also takes panoramic
photos of the banana prior to slicing. I’m so glad I stood in line to upgrade. The 571 is everything they said it would be and more. It doesn’t run Google Maps yet, but they’re working on that.
170. YOU PEOPLE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! EJ
Don’t get this product! It’s widespread use will decimate the skilled banana slicing profession. It’s just another example of technology putting Americans out of work. I, for one, will continue talking my bananas to the local mom and pop banana-slicing store for processing. You should too!
171. SAVES BREAKFAST AND SAVES LIVES Ducky McRuckles
I work in a busy emergency room. We see horrible injuries every day from people who’ve tried to cut bananas with knives, chain saws, and wood chippers. Last week we had to amputate the very last appendage of a local, “’Nanner Jim,” after his most recent slicing attempt when dangerously awry. Banana-related injuries are even worse during the holidays, when folks try to show off their fancy breakfast skills for their families. The result is incalculable tragedy and stumpy limbs for all. So you can imagine how relieved I am to see the Hutzler 571 slicer available at such a reasonable price. Why, with just a little training, even ‘Nanner Jim can work this with his arm nubbins! I, for one, have had my faith in humanity restored by this product. A literal lifesaver. I will rest easy tonight.
172. A LIFE RESTORED Erica A. Fagin
Until recently, my life was a vapid, meaningless husk of an existence, much unlike the mashed up bananas I would throw out still in their peels due to my inability to cut them with perfect Euclidean precision. Ever since my parents’ divorce due to my mother having an affair with a man who made money off child slavery on Chiquita plantations, my house was no longer a home. My father took to drink and gambled away all our money, and I was forced to move out of the house and take to the streets. I’m not proud of what I did in those years, but I did what I needed to survive. As I plummeted deeper into a downward spiral of crippling loneliness and intense, incapacitating desperation, I lost track of time and space. I wandered the streets in a potassium-deprived daze, sleeping in alleys more than my own, termite-infested tenement building. On days that I could afford food, I spent it all on bananas, but such was my torment! I would crack the peel to find the flesh uncut. Oh, would that I had a knife! And if I had a knife, would that my hands no longer shook from hunger and dementia so that I could slice! And if I could slice, would that I could do so with the precision of deities and angels, whose finesse with a such implements is only outdone by their wisdom and love for us mere mortals. My desperation became torment, my torment became utter moribund depravity. At my lowest moment, I lay on my floor, staring at the thrumming pulsations of the ceiling fan and mentally peeling
away the layers of my miserable past to wonder what brought me here. Beside me, the rusty old television faded in and out between static and advertisements. I turned my head, weak, to face it. And what I saw there was as if the very gates of heaven had opened, the trumpets had sounded, and suddenly I was home. It was a sign, a signal, a moment of pure Elysian clarity that bathed me in a glorious yellow light: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Only $3.69. I didn’t need to think. I now knew my purpose. I ran to the local library and went straight to amazon, ordering a Hutzler immediately. Even in pictures, it was clear to me that this was my saving grace, and I knew with such acuity then that the Hutzler would turn my life around. I was J. D. Salinger, and yes, that day was a perfect day. The weeks that followed were weeks of nothing but banana slicing. My Hutzler is sleek, fits perfectly in my hand, and seems to perfectly contour itself to any banana which I place in its capable blades, like the renowned Sisterhood’s traveling pants. I now live my life surrounded be a veritable plethora of untarnished, pristinely sliced circles of banana-rific glory. I got my life back together, went to school, helped my father out of his rut. And now I know, as a riparian traveler on this glorious potassium river, that with my Hutzler in hand, anything is possible.
173. A LITTLE DEMASCULATING Banana Lover
Like many other frustrated customers, I too have found the 571b to be a little over sized for the bananas in question. I’m curious as to
whether this product was developed in Africa, where bananas tend to be much larger. I would never dare use this device anywhere in the contingent of Asia, as bananas there are downright miniature and I could probably fit 2 of them at the same time. After cutting many bananas using the 571b, I have found that I get little to no satisfaction from eating an inferior banana. I have decided to hold out for the 571c in hopes of a more modest slicer, and until then I plan to use my current model to slice plantains.
174. EVERYONE’S MISSING THE “A PEEL” dlynn143
Hutzler 571 Banana SlicerThis is sheer genius! Everyone’s missing the point if they think a knife can do the job of the sleek, stylish, ultra modern 571 Banana Slicer. Obviously, they’ve never had a young toddler who just wanted a nutritious snack that only a parent can so lovingly provide. No responsible mom or dad would ever dare let their hungry offspring wield a butcher knife. But now! Now there is no shame in tossing the 571 Banana Slicer to your toddling 2-yr-old and telling him “fix your own peanut butter and banana sandwich, I’m too busy searching the internet for a grape slicer.”
175. NO MORE HARD WORK! Wustaf
No longer do I have to get out a ruler to make sure I slice the banana in to equal pieces. Every time I am a centimeter off I would have to throw away the whole banana and start over! I spent an average of $1.00 a week on banana because of this. Thanks to this
amazing invention I can save so much time and money now!
176. NOT THE 571A, BUT A HANDY SLICER OF BANANAS John D. Parisi
The 571B is a hollow shadow of the 571A banana slicer--the premier banana slicer on the market. However, this handy little banana slicer is a good entry-level tool for the novice banana slicer. At 1/10th the price of the titanium 571A, I had to pick one up for my recent camp out in Appalachia. As anyone who has ever tried to slice a banana with a camping knife knows, the results can be disastrous. Again, for home use I have to recommend the 571A, but in a pinch, the 571B was fantastic!
177. WORST PRODUCT GMan
I got this product as a Christmas present from a friend. It’s totally useless as it only cuts bananas. And I’m allergic to bananas. Instead of throwing it away, I re-gifted it to another friend of mine from church. She got really offended by the shape of this and thought I was making advances on her. I still remember that Sunday morning when she, waving the banana slicer in one hand, walked around the whole church and told each and everyone at church about my dirty intentions. I had no dirty intentions. I just thought I could give it to somebody who might find it useful. The church voted to burn the evil shaped banana slicer. They kicked me out of the church too.
Now I have no banana slicer and no church. And everyone in town thinks I’m a pervert. Thanks Amazon. My life has been ruined.
178. Almost Perfect Peter Brainard “- Average Guy”
I purchased this slicer completely by accident. I was looking for a Swiss carbon fiber wi-fi enabled blue tooth slicer but it was out of stock because of the Christmas rush. In heavy need of a slicer for the holidays so i could make my trademark 7 layer banana salad, i was desperate for a quality banana slicer I’m a pinch. Enter Hutzler’s simple low tech solution. While I’m disappointed it doesn’t sync with my iphone or offer gps trackability, it’ll get the job done. Just don’t expect it to replace multiple gadgets or your mp3 player.
179. TOP-NOTCH! Jae Grady
Hey Mr. Tally-Man, tally me... hours of time saved slicing bananas the old fashioned way! The good folks at Hultzer have solved a riddle as old as mankind itself; how to slice a banana into eighteen segments in one fell swoop. Fully endorsed by Kirk Cameron!
180. BANANAS ARE NOW MAGICAL TREATS mjoy61
I am so grateful that I live in the times of space age banana slicing. Gone are the days when we had to beat bananas with a stick like savages.
181. SO MUCH BETTER THAN USING A NINJA THROWING STAR Ninja Emery
As a ninja, I’m used to slicing bananas the traditional way, by throwing my stars at them from across the kitchen. Now with the handy banana slicer, I can avoid all those ugly holes in my kitchen walls and curtains!
182. SIMPLY WOW! MyCyanide
I am man enough to admit that the first time my wife saw this tool, she was very impressed. It had all she was looking for.... Size, shape and ultimately was able to give her what she really needed and has desired for years. Something her man could not give her.... 18 perfect slices of banana! No more fumbling around trying to please her. I simply hand her the Hutzler 571 and let her take care of business herself. The saying “if you want it done right, do it yourself ” is especially true when your woman has the 571 in hand.
183. INVIGORATED LIFE T. Swimmer
For years I dealt with grueling anxiety over the precise size of my banana slices in my cereal. I longed for the sweet burst of flavor every morning, but the attempt to get them into the proportional pieces necessary for adequate consumption sent me into a spiral of overwhelming rage and panic (thankfully my white kitty was there for me during my moments in the fetal position). Of course I tried to use a knife, but the accuracy rate of getting them into nice even
slices without sticking or being compressed into a completely unnoticeable shape was extremely low. And the idea of tearing them with my hands like chewbacca on a ferocious quest was completely out of the question. What was I to do? My fairy friends wouldn’t even talk to me because they didn’t recognize me anymore. But the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer is a true miracle. It has relieved my anxiety by 83.6%. It has been a true marvel in my life. No longer do I have to sit and worry with tangled anxiety, because the pieces come out like perfect white discs. I am in love. And my fairy friends love me, too. I have discovered what it is like to live freely again. Thank you, Victorio 571B Banana Slicer, you have reclaimed my life.
184. I DON’T REALLY NEED A NANA SLICER... Gerry Conway “tvhacker”
Both of my grandmothers are already dead. Oh, wait... BA-nana slicer. That’s completely different. Never mind. This is an excellent product for slicing bananas, and also, I assume, for slicing Nanas, assuming they’re rather small and thin and slightly curved.
185. CAN’T USE IT Richard Zicari
My uncle crashed his motorcycle into a chicken wire fence at 80mph. I can’t use without thinking of him and the crime scene photos.
186. HORRIFIED! DMB “Maximus75”
As a traveling circus clown who juggels bananas for a living, I have to say this product digusts me! Mutilating poor inoccent bananas for a cheap thrill? You people are animals!
187. PERFECT WINTER GIFT! M. Madeley
I was out of bananas when the shipment arrived, but these make the best darned snowshoes my dachshund has ever owned.
188. NOT DESIGNED TO PREVENT BANANA UPRISINGS SRodriguez
I am very upset. This should only be designed for human use. My bananas were able to take over this slicer and they used it to torture my carrots. Now I can only use those carrots for stew and not for an afternoon snack. In addition one banana has been using it to assassinate other bananas. I do not appreciate the fact this product enabled my produce to engage in anarchy. Future models should be designed with precautions to keep this from happening again.
189. NOT FOR ME Zdog
I still have to spit out the peeling. But now, its a bunch of little gobs instead of one humongous gob. The inventor would have been better off inventing a banana skinner.
190. LIFE CHANGING...BUT ONLY ONE SIZE ConsumersUnite! “ConsumersUnite!”
What can I say, the 571B Banana Slicer has saved me hundreds of hours of drudgery slicing bananas at the fruit salad plant where I am employed as, you guessed it, a banana slicer. Much as the dial touch pad banished the rotary phone to obsolescence, the 571B will resign your paring knife to a lonely life at the bottom of your cutlery drawer. My only complaint is that it only comes in a single standard banana size. Now that I’ve been spoiled by the ease and efficiency of the 571B it’s a real pain in the keester to pull out a knife every time I need to slice a bananito or a plantain. You would think the engineering teams that did the R&D on this thing would have thought to make multiple sizes available. Oh well, I’ve already sent a letter of suggestion to Victorio Kitchen Products. Hopefully, when they recognize the brilliance of my idea, I will have the hook-up on free banana slicers for life! #winning
191. NEEDS A LEFT-HANDED VERSION Chris Kelly
I purchased this product in the hopes that my daily banana slicing time would be shortened by tenths of seconds. Well, the 571B banana slicer is NOT that product. I am left-handed and the ba-
nana slicer is only a right-handed piece of equipment. First, I almost failed kindergarten because they only had right-handed scissors. Then the lead-based ink pens I bought at the dollar store just smear when I write important documents for the Johnson account! It’s just not fair that I can’t slice bananas with my dominant left hand!!!! Why must the universe torture me by only providing me with right-handed chopsticks and banana slicers?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
192. LIFE CHANGING PURCHASE Bananawhiz
Living alone in the jungle, fingerless, is no longer a daily grind! Envious monkeys chatter my name through the jungle canopy as I gleefuly slice banana after banana afer banana. Twice Jane Goodall has tried to steal my slicer but I fended her off and now sleep with my Hutzler at my side. Thank you Hutzler, even the Robinsons are impressed!
193. WORKS OK BUT... Monkeyfish
So when I bought this for my 2 year old for Christmas I had no idea it would take soooooooooooooooo long to set up! My husband pulled it out of the box and laid out the part and instructions. Are they serious? It took the two of us 3 hours to figure out that we had the slicer turned the wrong way. Perhaps they could have mentioned the banana needs to be curving to the right. Hellooooooooooo? Once we turned our bananas over it worked great. Oh, they should also mention that peeling the fruit would be help-
ful. I’ll be curious to see how many bananas this will cut before I have to sharped it. Won’t that be fun? Three stars is all I could muster. Brilliant idea but details need a little work!
194. SLICERS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, YOU KNOW! Chuck B
I tried to buy one of these in California, but found out they were banned. Because they can slice multiple times with just one push, they were reclassified “assault slicers.” I can’t even get the one without the pistol grip! It’s B.S.! I hear they’re redesigning it so that it makes only 10 slices at a time (instead of the 17 “assault slicer blades” in the current version). I can put up with the thicker slices, because I know we’ll all be safer knowing that dangerous banana slicers like the 571B will be harder for criminals and gang members to obtain.
195. IMPROVED MY OVERALL OUTLOOK S. Gershik “Steve”
As you know from my review of the Hutzler 570, a critical defect in the design of THAT product lead to my hospitalization and extensive rehabilitation. My psychiatrist and chiropodist agreed that it would be a good idea for me to purchase the Hutzler 571 to help deal with my trauma about bananas. I’m delighted to say that the Hutlzer addressed the number one
complaint about the 570 and made it BANANA SHAPED! And no batteries needed, nor that annoying waiting in line at the DMV. This is a DEFINITE IMPROVEMENT. So far, I have sliced nearly 139 bananas and each one has come out in 17 perfect pieces (and one piece that looks suspiciously like Eleanor Roosevelt). I commend the entire Hutzler corporation for persevering through 570 versions of this product to produce one that is NEARLY perfect. Thanks!
196. HOW DO YOU CHANGE BATTERY??? david joliette
The slicer seems to be great, but it arrived with a dead battery!!! I can,t figure out how to change the battery OR does it usually come with a charger which I somehow forgot to buy?
197. THANKS TO THE HUTZLER 571, I CAN NOW DISCONTINUE MY MEDS! Jim Boydston “Operatenor”
Years ago, I was diagnosed with acute, chronic obsessive compulsive disorder. Everything around me had to be perfect and orderly. My downfall was bananas; I LOVE them, especially on my Cheerios every morning. But, I totally suck at slicing bananas, and would constantly end up with inconsistent, uneven slices. It got to be so bad I had to be put on antidepressants just to cope. If you’ve ever seen anyone reduced to curling up in the fetal position in the corner, wracked with tension jitters, all over a poorly-sliced banana,
then you know what I’m talking about. And then one day, my existential psychoanalyst showed me the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I immediately saw how it could change my life, and it did, as soon as I sliced my first banana. Those beautiful, symmetrical, even slices, resting on top of my bowl of uniform little mashed wheat-product O’s. It was truly a life-completing moment. I promptly quit taking my meds, and there is no going back. And a bowl of Cheerios never tasted better...
198. A NEW LEASE ON LIFE... Michael T. Hanley, CPA “small business CPA”
I had hit rock bottom. I was passed up for a promotion at work, my wife was having an affair with my best friend, my children made fun of me, ABC had just canceled Better With You, and my banana slices were never the same size. My insomnia was hitting me hard one night, so I started poking around on Amazon. I was about to order a Hutzler strawberry seed remover when I noticed the Hutzler Banana Slicer in the “customers who liked this also bought that” section. Fast forward 2-3 business days and my Hutzler Banana Slicer arrives at my doorstep. I opened it up and started slicing banana after banana. Before you knew it, I had an entire bowl full of identical banana slices and a newfound lease on life. The next day, the FBI raided my job and imprisoned everyone
above me (including the guy who got the promotion I was up for), my son beat up my best friend and told him that he had to stop sleeping with my wife because “you will never be a cool guy like my dad,” and Joanna Garcia Swisher got cast in Animal Practice! Thank you, Hutzler. And thank you, Hutzler Banana Slicer.
199. DOES *NOT* SLICE SIMILARLY- SHAPED OBJECTS! Kristy
I tried this on hot dogs, popsicles, filled crepes, cucumbers, and a host of other things. IT ONLY SLICES BANANAS. And even those need the peel taken off. Also, does not come with instructions and so I had to figure it out myself. VERY DISAPPOINTED.
200. THIS PRODUCT IS A HOAX -- GROW UP, KID JC
As the patriarch of a multi-generational, international banana farming cartel, I can attest to the quality, ingenuity and CORROSIVE, SUBVERSIVE, ODIOUS NATURE of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Does it slice your banana with artful precision? Sure it does. Does it free you from the unending confusion and life-shortening stress of having to come up with your own, individual strategies, tactics and tools for segmenting your slightly curved, sweet tropical fruit? Of course.
But don’t be fooled by the Hutzler 571. If you succumb to its charms, you will have officially stepped onto the proverbial slippery slope that begins with mere “convenience” and “delight” but ends with nothing short of “commercial slavery.” A banana peel of personal self-delusion that, when stepped on, will take you down the path to hell, if you will. And one that you most assuredly should avoid. Here’s my point: what starts with a brilliant and fun way to cut your banana with a regularity and ease you could only dream of, quickly becomes a prison of consumer technology. What’s next? A machine that automatically “washes your clothes?” A telephone “without cords” that you can actually walk around town with? Clear glass prisms that you put in front of your eyes that “magically improve your vision?” Here’s my real point: Grow up kid. The Hutzler 571 isn’t even possible. It’s a figment of your lazy imagination. Pick up your blunt knife and cut your own blasted banana like a damn grown up. Stop dreaming. Your banana slices are SUPPOSED TO BE DISAPPOINTING. Harumph. Finally, a quote: “The system of nature, of which man is a part, tends to be selfbalancing, self-adjusting, self-cleansing. Not so with technology.” -- E.F. Schumacher Also: Intelligent Demand.
201. EXTERMINATE! William F. Eddins “Ahkenaton”
We are the daleks. We have made the victorio 571b banana slicer. The banana is the doctor. The vitorio 571b banana slicer will defeat the doctor. He will be exterminated. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
202. EBOOK FORMAT PLEASE? Ka
Before purchasing the 571 Banana Slicer, I would have preferred having been made aware that it does not come in ebook format. I was hoping to download the Banana Slicer to my Kindle when to my surprise I had to wait for it to arrive by snail mail. For those of us banana lovers on the go, this is a big product flaw.
203. HUTZLER DOESN’T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATIONS Just my humble opinion “Cafe Guy”
My first Hutzler product was the Hutzler Pea Polisher, purchased in 1973. I still have it. It still polishes beautifully. It is stainless steel with a sturdy naugahide waist strap. This so-called Banana Slicer is nothing but a bright yellow gadget made from molded plastic. I wish I had been warned of this before I ordered it. If you are looking for the old fashioned aluminum banana slicer that grandma used, you will be disappointed.
204. BANANA SLICING TIME SLICED IN HALF... Anthony Vitale
Every morning, I would easily spend 15-20 seconds slicing up my banana using an archaic knife. Now, that time is cut in half. Shaving those precious seconds off the day now gives me time to: 1. Wash the banana out of all the slicing blades with an old toothbrush 2. Find and wipe down my cutting board used for the banana slicing 3. Clean that archaic knife that is now only used to scoop the banana slices off the cutting board and into my cerial. How did I ever have breakfast without you?
205. WHAT A LIFE SAVER!!! Bobra deMonkay
I no longer have to lie awake at night wondering how I will ever cut my bananas. Now, if only I could peel the stupid things.
206. NO MORE FAUX ERECTIONS! hypersloth
I never leave the house without a nice mushy banana. People used to always say to me, “Hey is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Now, thanks to this revolutionary product, I just fill the pocket of my skinny jeans with slices of bananas and go!
207. LIFE SAVER Matt
The Hutzler 571 banana slicer saved my life. I’ve had high blood pressure for years, and my dr informed me that eating bananas will help lower my blood pressure because they contain potassium. I could never figure out how to eat the bananas and continuously tried stuffing them down my throat whole. This ended with multiple trips to the emergency room, weird looks when the banana entered my gaping wet mouth, and a hernia from dry heaving. Then I stumbled upon the 571 and my life has never been the same. My Bp is now well below dangerous levels because I can cut my bananas into small pieces to eat. I now have bananas with every meal.. Bananas and bacon, bananas and salt, bananas and soy sauce, bananas and A1 steak sauce. My only suggestion is to make the next model laser guided as I sometimes have problems lining up the banana to fit in the 571. If I had laser guidance, this wouldn’t happen. I miss probably 1/10 bananas.
208. A PRAYER ANSWERED R. W. BELL “rbell95”
Hutzler has done it again. If you liked the Hutzler Cockroach Hammer and the Hutzler Infrared Motion-Activated Toilet Paper Dispenser, you’ll wonder how you ever sliced bananas before the Hutzler Banana Slicer. Knives? Neanderthals used knives. This is the twenty-first centu-
ry and important people on the go just don’t have time to cut a banana One. Slice. At. A. Time. With the Hutzler banana slicer you get fast uniform slices that Neanderthals with their primitive “knives” could only dream about. Then you have the rest of the day free to do things like, cleaning the banana slicer.
209. BEST THING SINCE SLICED BANANA - BUT NY Guy
I know lots of folks are downright ecstatic with this product right out of the box, but frankly I was a bit disappointed at first. After I spent several frustrating hours reducing several dozen bananas to a messy mush whilst attempting to slice them, a light bulb went off in my head and I decided to try . . . . drumroll . . . . PEELING THE BANANAS BEFOREHAND! That did the trick. Admittedly it does increase the prep time, but the difference is night and day. If you do purchase this item, my suggestion is to go the extra mile and peel the bananas first. You’ll thank me later.
210. ANGLE IS WRONG, BUT... Graham
After taking delivery of my Hutzler 571 in 2011, I found -- just like that one guy -- that all of my bananas were bent the wrong way as well. I was certain, however, that I could remedy the problem with the use of mirrors. That turned out to be way trickier than I thought, but I sense that I’m really close to a break-through.
211. EATING A BANANA USED TO CAUSE ME TO BACK-SLIDE ON MY EX-GAY THERAPY! Robert Moon
I used to be gay, but after relentless disdain, oppression, and violence from my family, religious leaders, and town thugs, I became ex-gay. I am now happily married to a woman, and my weekend trips to the softball fields to watch her play are the highlights of my month! Regrettably, though, I’ve back-slid quite a number of times, and they’ve all been directly attributable to having just eaten a banana. It would start out innocently enough: I’d peel back the outer layer, exposing the tip. And then I would slide it into my mouth as its girth would gently push my cheeks aside. I would bite down ever-so-tenderly, testing the give and its limits before savoring its deliciousness. Yada, yada, yada, I’m in bed with another guy. But ever since my ex-gay therapist introduced me to the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, I’ve been able to eat this delicious, potassiumrich fruit without going past the point of no return!!! Now all I do is quickly peel the banana without touching the shaft too long, throw it onto the cutting board, and slam that slicer down. Bada bing, bada boom! It’s rendered into 17 undistinguishable pieces that I can eat at my leisure with a fork or toothpick. Now I back-slide less frequently! Thank you Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer! You saved my marriage and my soul! PS: I’d give it 5-stars, but the thing is made of plastic, and it broke after slamming it down on the cutting board a little too vigorously one time.
212. WARNING: PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE Joseph Thvedt
I must preface this by saying I’ve been a Hutzler fanboy for over 30 years. I have owned and used nearly every Huztler banana slicer since the Banana ][. When I originally bought the 571, I was ecstatic. It was a revolution. Sure, it was presaged to a degree by the model B1203 in 2007, but when they unleashed the 571 on the world, it was as if everything changed overnight. Oxo, Farberware, KitchenAid -- they were all caught flat-footed. They’re STILL trying to catch up. But now Huztler has announced that the 571 will not be compatible with the new bOS (banana Operating System) version 6. This is an outrage! This was the top-of-the-line slicer just 20 months ago! I feel betrayed. I’m switching to Wusthof, and I suggest you do too. Sure, they’re old-school, and may never turn the world on its head. But hey, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
213. RIGHT PRODUCT, WRONG SHAPE Steven Ottomanyi
I have to say, when I first saw this, I was intrigued...then I re-read the description and I was THRILLED! I have been looking for this
all my life. Bananas are great for you, but if you just don’t want to eat the dang things like a monkey, what can one do? After years of slaving over a cold paper plate with a butter knife, laboriously slicing my bananas, I thought I could finally relax. One slice, and... viola! The WHOLE banana is sliced! Sadly, I quickly discovered a problem: in only slices about half--maybe less on a bad day!--of the bananas I have. I have been unable to slice the left-facing bananas with this tool, so I only save half the amount of time I had hoped to save. Maybe if the company can offer a left-facing banana slicer, I can slice all my bananas and eat them, too. Or is it cake? Well, I can tell you, bananas or cake, or banana-cream cake...dang it, now I’m hungry! Anyway, banas or cake, you can slice it whichever way you want, but this product didn’t quite live up to my expectations. Maybe the company can improve this product and provide a leftfacing banana slicer as well. Perhaps they could even make an allin-one banana slicer, for both left- AND right-facing bananas! Now THAT’s engineering!
214. DISCRIMINATES AGAINST NON-STANDARD BANANAS Rich
As a product equality lawyer, I find the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer to be prejudicial towards bananas with uneven bend, or bananas that somehow grew straight without bends. The depression and sense abandonment felt by non-standard bananas is unacceptable. Hutzler is guilty of banana profiling, shamelessly discarding the millions of worthy bananas who do not fit their standards. Well Hutzler, bananas are not going to take this lying down, we are cur-
rently engaged in creating a class action suit, filed by the bananas so hatefully abandoned by yourselves. Rest assured that we will fight this thing no matter what, we will a-peel it to the Supreme Court if that’s what it takes!
215. MULTI-PURPOSE PRODUCT! anna
This thing is awesome! I feel like some people may be under-utilizing it, though. Through trial and error, I have found that it works just as well on hot dogs (if you bend them a little before placing them under slicer). Also, string cheese works nicely. Bread sticks do pretty well as do Twinkies. I did not have such great luck with beef jerky or raw-hide dog chews. Oh well, you can’t expect one product to do literally everything. But,if you ever want to make a banana, hot dog, bread stick, and Twinkie salad, this product is all you will need! Thanks Hutzler!
216. THANK GOD FOR THE NEW SHAPE Jill T
Much better than the 541A. I’m glad they finally got R&D to step up to the plate and improve what I already thought was the best invention ever. Someone really had their nose to the grindstone working out the bugs and making the latest version of this kitchen “must have” spectacular.
217. GREAT PRODUCT BUT THEY NEED TO MAKE ONE BIGGER Noreen Hawk
I love this product, it works very well on bananas. Even if you are working with an abnormally small banana it still does the job. I do wish they would make one for those of us who prefer really big bananas. When I luck out and find a really BIG banana I get so excited but then I wind up squishing off the tip and I find that really bothers me. I suppose I could make do with 2 smaller ones but I really prefer the big ones.
218. NO MORE E.R. VISITS! Jim cotton
I can’t tell you how many trips to the emergency room I’m NOT making anymore! For 31 years I’ve been shoving bananas down my throat in one bite and nearly choking to death in the process. This thing saved my life! Now if they only made one for plantains.....
219. FINALLY! THE NEWER MODEL! Carolyn A. Worthen “Pet Vet”
I have been using the banana slicer for nearly two years now. I have fond memories of Model 1 A, an ingenious, if clunky (well, more “cardboardy”, really) version of these new slicked up models. I have to say, I love the new upgrades on this model over the 570, or even the 571A. Really streamlined the curves and sharpened the edges. The engineering is very precise, down to the smallest detail of removing the bananger (black booger on the end of the banana) without much loss of banana. They have taken care of most of the
safety issues as well, but one must always be reminded “throw the peel in the trash bin BEFORE you begin to slice”. I can’t wait to see tomorrow’s model, which is purported to have the jazzed up name of “572Z”, and may slice longitudinally for ice cream enthusiasts!
220. COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT Cheryl Seurinck
My husband and I tried for hours to get this thing to work, but for the life of us, we couldn’t figure it out. I tried rubbing the tip of his “banana” along the ridges, but he made me stop! And there was no way I was letting him use it on me. Have you seen the shape of that thing? Worst sex toy ever!
221. NOT MAC OS COMPATIBLE, LOW BATTERY LIFE N. Frederick “Nicci”
I was very disappointed. The description did not say it was not compatible with the Mac so we have to hook it up to my husband’s much slower Windows PC and I might add that it did NOT come with a USB cable, you have to purchase it separately. The battery life is horrible, you get maybe one day’s slicing out of it. I also had the same problem another review mentioned, that it will only slice right facing bananas. Fortunately I found a different grocery store that sells right facing bananas. It’s a 40 mile drive from my old grocery store but that’s the price I have to pay for having uniform banana slices.
222. FIGURED IT OUT Monte Cristo falling
I found this product to be a bit glitchy at first, but once I downloaded the software update, it worked like a dream. Perhaps too well, as it has been seen around my house cutting all sorts of other fruit in a most promiscuous manner.
223. A GAME CHANGER! Poisoned Blade
Finally!!! I can quickly slice bananas without getting smashed banana all over my tennis racquet. And the wheel-like shapes look so much more appetizing than the mushy yellow rectangles you get from the racquet. I don’t even have to put my racquet in the dishwasher anymore! Thanks Hutzler! What would I do without you?
224. FINALLY! Paul Nolin Markham
Finally! I didn’t even know this existed. I’ve seen pictures of neatly sliced bananas on cereal and on dessert dishes, but I couldn’t seem to get it correct. For years I’ve just been smashing them with my fist. Now everything seems right!
225. GREAT IDEA, TERRIBLE EXECUTION Todd
I bought the Hutzler 571 based on the overwhelmingly favorable reviews, thinking that my days of emotionally draining banana
slicing would come to an end. Boy was I wrong! I couldn’t tell which end was the top or the bottom! What’s worse is, sometimes a banana might be too big for the slicer. When that’s the case, you might as well just throw the damn thing away (the banana, not the slicer). And then the opposite problem could be true. If the banana is smaller than the size of the slicer, how do I know which way to position it? Do I try to fit it in to the flat end, or the end that curves? Or do I try to position it exactly in the middle and avoid touching the edges, like a game of Operation? What if the banana I’m slicing curves at too much of an arc for the slicer to contain? I’d like to cut my banana slices to regulation width, but I’m not sure that this is the product for me. It raises more questions than it answers! No way!
226. THIS SH*T IS B A N A N A S rave24
This banana slicer changed my life. I used to wake up in despair and confusion about how to cut my bananas. Each morning I tried a new method, and each day I lost hope. This banana slicer changed and saved my life. I was on the edge, with nowhere to turn except forward off this cliff of depression. Thank you so much banana slicer. You saved me and made me a believer.
227. SOME THINGS ARE WORTHY EVERY PENNY.... Simplyjune
I ordered the slicer last Christmas. Oh my, you should have seen their happy excited little faces that Christmas morning. Sure, at
$6.00 it was over budget but you just gotta splurge and treat yourself sometimes, right? Besides, I could not have my children attend school with a banana that wasn’t sliced! And what about when the other kids all have bananas with precise measurements? Something like that could ruin a kid! Nope, I decided I would spare my offspring the embarrassment of having a mother with absolutely NO banana slicing skills. These days money is tight for everyone. When times got tough and I had to find ways to cut spending in my family and it wasn’t easy. We sold stuff we didn’t need and bought cheaper brands at the grocery store but after a few years of this we got down to the nitty-gritty and had to make our final choice. We were down to our last two items and had to choose what to keep. It was between our triple-ply quilted toilet paper or our Hutzler Banana Slicer. If I was a selfish sort of a gal, I would have picked the toilet paper but I’m a mother - and moms put their kids first. I choose to slice instead of wipe. Sacrificing is what motherhood is all about. Since last Christmas our family has seen a dramatic change thanks to all the time and effort we have saved. My husband became Mayor, my kids each made the Olympic Banana Peeling team, our dog now fights crime and I am currently filming a reality show where we go around America staging Banana Interventions. Thank you Hutzler Banana Slicer! You changed my life.
228. LETS DO SOME MATH HERE Zak
Ok, so assume you begin using this fantastic device at 11 (the average in which most Americans begin slicing their own bananas). Every morning you eat cereal or yogurt with a sliced banana. Peeling and slicing the banana with a knife takes an average of, lets say, 30 seconds. This godsend of an appliance takes about 1 second to completely slice a banana. With this device, you are shaving 29 seconds of completely irrelevant time off of your morning schedule. That’s almost 3 hours every year. If you live to 80, that’s 207 hours (or a little under 9 days). And if you happen to be immortal, you will literally save an infinite amount of time. Think of what you could do with all that time.
229. EXCELLENT FOR BANANAS, MEDIOCRE FOR SELF DEFENSE Wrathbot “captainthenetherlands”
This works exceptionally well on bananas. I have not had luck using it instead of brass knuckles. I thought this would make a cost-effective substitute, but you get what you pay for.
230. THE INVENTION OF A LIFETIME Spidey216
My friend and I made a bet...what would we see first in our lifetime...a real life lightsaber or a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer?
Needless to say, the money I lost would’ve gone to buying this.
231. NO MORE EMERGENCY ROOM VISITS FOR ME! Lulu
Oh! words cannot express the relief this product had brought to me and my family. After all these years of slicing our bananas in our ceiling fans or any sharp, spinning object we could find. Once we used the fan on the radiator of our car. After explaining the mess to our mechanic he called the police. Well, he lost a customer! Back to topic- this banana slicer has saved us so much money and injuries, we may even be able to get health insurance again!
232. SAVED ME FROM RUNNING Coffreak “Joan”
Every morning I had to run along my husband as he rode his bike so that I could slice my banana in the spokes. Random bikers would be angry if I swiped at their tires with my banana. It was very tedious picking the slices out of my neighbors yards. Quite frankly, more than one family was exasperated with me since clippings from newly mowed grass made the job difficult. I started petitions to only allow grass cutting in the afternoon after breakfast is consumed. Thanks to Hutzler, I am once again on good terms with the neighborhood association, and my back isn’t cramped up from stooping along a moving cyclist.
233. MUCH TOO SIMILAR TO THE 570 TO BE CONSIDERED A COLLECTIBLE! Busted “Tucson Kate”
I got immersed into the world of collectible banana slicers a few years ago. It started with a pretty generic model, the Chiquita 2000, and I was hooked. It was a great conversation starter when I had guests over, when I proudly displayed the Platano 4120 and the Cream Pie TURBO on my mantle. “Uh, is that a... banana slicer?” family and friends would say, and I could tell they were envious. Do I always check to make sure they are safely in their padlocked display cases before any guests leave the house? Yes... yes I do. Of course I never use any banana slicer as it would interfere with it’s re-sale value, and I’m definitely building my collection based on long term value... collectible banana slicers are my retirement, and I plan on riding that banana boat all the way to a private island! When I got the press release on the Hutzler 571, the banana slicer message boards were lit up... I could hardly even get a comment in! I placed my order on Amazon with overnight shipping... WHAT?! BACK ORDERED?! Alas, good things come to those who wait. When the Hutzler 571 FINALLY came after months on the backorder list, I anxiously tore apart the packaging. I even had a custom display case already made based on the dimensions that were posted on Reddit! But when I saw the slicer... ...say wha? Is this a sick joke? It was exactly the same as the 570, but with a decorative little top added. I couldn’t believe this was the
much-hyped newer model. Come on, Hutzler... this isn’t going to pay for my private island next to Richard Branson! I like the decorative details, but I don’t know if this is worthy of the collectible display case.
235. THE SECRET TO ETERNAL LIFE... A. Caporale “DrinkArt”
...for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. OK, people -- seems like the two most common problems cited in the reviews for this product are 1) wrong color, and 2) wrong bias angle. Here are easy fixes for both of them: To Change the Color 1. Go to Google Play. 2. Search for “Lite Flow.” 3. Download and install on the H571. 4. Open the app. 5. Select “Settings” then “Enable Light Flow.” 6. Exit back to “Settings” menu. 7. Select “Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.” 8. Choose “Light” from the top menu bar (swipe to get there). 9. Choose “Enable light.” 10. Choose “Notification color.” 11. Select whichever color matches the banana you’re about to slice. 12. Exit back out of the app. 13. Reboot. To Change the Bias Angle 1. Go to hutzler.com and select “Support” (be VERY careful typing
this URL if you are at work or around small children). 2. Choose “Downloads” and enter “571 Banana Slicer” under “Product.” 3. Select “Bias.” 4. Download and install the latest bias version. (Warning: Do NOT skip this step or the rest of the fix will not work!) 5. Reboot and press F1 before the OS loads (if you have the H570, press [Fn]+[F1]). 6. Right-arrow over to “Bias Direction” and select “Enter.” 7. Use down-arrow to select “Left.” 8. Tab to “Save Changes and Exit.” 9. Select “Enter” to reboot. Voilà! Enjoy slicing your green (or even brown) left-facing bananas!
236. I LOVE BANANAS AGAIN! small mouth
This has been a real life saver for me. I have a small mouth, and was never able to fit the banana in before. now that I have the banana slicer, I can eat it in pieces at a time! I don’t know how people lived without this before. such a life saver.
237. SAVED MY LAST FINGER Marie
Thank you, Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer! I am a professional banana slicer, and since I was 14, my days and parts of my nights have been filled with slicing bananas for things such as banana splits, banana grams, banana baby food, and just plain old banana slices.
Most people don’t realize this, but slicing bananas that much with a regular knife is very dangerous: I lost my first finger when I was 16, and now that I am 25, I only have one whole finger left. I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost pinky. But then my friend showed me the Hutzler 571 banana slicer. My life is changed, and my last finger is saved. Thank you, Banana Slicer.
238. PROOF THERE IS A GOD David V. Gulliver
Have you ever really thought about bananas? Or God? The banana itself is a perfect food. And, look at how it is shaped and wrapped. It comes with its own preserving skin that is easily peeled. And it fits perfectly in one hand while the other hand can do that peeling. Bananas and hands and nutrition, all coming together perfectly - it is almost proof there is a God, an intelligent Creator making it all work together. ALMOST. Except, that is, for the fact that bananas do not come pre-sliced. If they came pre-sliced, that would be all the proof we need right there. But they do not come pre-sliced. But then along comes man, and man makes the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. This device is clearly divinely inspired, and thus completes the proof of God. And now, as I write this, on December 21, 2012, the day of the dawning of the New Age of Enlightenment, God’s plan is revealed. All praise God, and His banana-slicing Omniscience!
239. NO LOVE FOR BUTTER? Anonymouse
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer works fantastically for bananas! However, I’ve found that the best use of the banana slicer comes
from slicing sticks of butter. It’s the 21st century. Who still eats bananas with their cereal? You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Cheerios and butter. The only problem is that you have to melt the stick of butter just right so that you can bend it to fit the shape of the banana slicer. I wish Hutzler would come out with a butter bender...
240. THANK YOU FOR THIS AMAZING INVENTION! BananaGeek
Twenty seconds is just far too much time to spend slicing a staple breakfast food. I stopped buying bananas entirely until a converted friend informed me of this new product. Now I can slice them in five seconds. Before Banana Slicer, I suffered from debilitating leg cramps as a result of lack of potassium. Using this every day, not only will I will have an hour or so of extra free time to watch my Hall and Oats Greatest Hits beta collection by the time I am 88 years old, I will no longer schlep around like Nancy Kerrigan before a skating meet, screaming and asking “WHY?!”! My boss has already warned me about this, since I accidentally dislocated his jaw during a severe leg spazm! So I love my new life and freedom. I could ride horses on the beach now! Nothing could be more precious. Thank you, Banana Slicer. I love you. I am buying one for every room.
241. TENNIS RACKETS WORK JUST AS WELL PacNWgrrl
I got this product last month and find it’s easiest to use if you throw the banana into the air and swing the slicer through it, catching the slices as they fall. If you don’t like the larger banana slices though,
a tennis racket works just as well and makes nifty little banana cubes.
242. ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT... Enthusiast
Pros: This really makes bananas last much longer then ordinary. I can get around 18 servings as opposed to one, which helps me to save money on my daily breakfast costs. Cons: I have to carry it with me to the store to make sure I only buy bananas that are the right size and shape for the slicer. No model for green bananas which are much more prevalent.
243. BANANA SLICER COULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE phillip f butchers
When I was young my Mom used to make my brother and I banana and butter sandwiches. I always thought that Mom liked Robert best. I noticed that Robert always got the thicker banana pieces on his sandwich. I complained and complained to no avail. My brother was bigger than me. One day out of friustration I tried to steal a piece of banana out of his sandwich because I really thought I was owed it. His slices were an inch thick, mine were a half inch at best. He saw me and punched me in the chest. I reacted by stabbing him in the neck with the knife Mom had sliced the banana with. He nearly bled to death and still has an ugly scar. This could all have been avoided if we would have had the banana slicer. To this day I hate bananas.
244. A SLICE BELOW IKEA’S Shady Ave Reader
I purchased this, but unlike the nearly identical Ikea model (the Sjplizëter) it lacked the helpful 14 pages of Swedish hieroglyphics. I had to guess where to begin! Moreover, it does not have a doubleangled 2.75mm allen wrench making it an even greater chore to assemble. Finally, this only comes in yellow and NOT pink or orange. If you can, go to Ikea - you can get 10 for 11.99 AND in multiple hues. A bargain!
245. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A REASON TO LIVE! Rhian Lewis
As a small child, I often found myself getting in heated disputes with my immediate family regarding proper banana-slicing technique. The confrontations escalated to the point of imminent feud. I had an uncle, a “rogue slicer”, who had a tragic addiction to slicing bananas lengthwise, using a spoon. As I grew older, bananas presented more and more problems. Any hope of self-confidence during my teen years was destroyed by the humiliation that comes from attempting to eat a banana in public. I was harassed daily by boys who begged me to consume the fruit in their presence. Naturally, I had to decline these offers as one’s system can only handle so much potassium. But then I found this product. It is truly marvelous. I was rescued from the abyss of banana fights, banana-related mockery, and general confusion about banana slicing. I had gazed into the banana, and the banana had indeed gazed also into me. With this product, I have the confidence to eat bananas anywhere! I bring it to parties and share the resulting slices with everyone I
know. It has saved my family from fruity dysfunction. Buy this, and you buy your salvation.
246. NOT SIZED RIGHT FOR EVERY BANANA Robert B
I consider myself somewhat of an international gourmet. I love using smaller Asian, and larger African bananas to make desserts for my partner of several years. Cutting the larger African bananas was giving me carpal tunnel and putting a damper on my our extra-curricular activities. I bought this product hoping it would help me but alas it was too small to cut my girthier African bananas. I tried putting the bananas in cold water to shrink them but sadly it didn’t work. I wish they sold this in an XL version to fit bigger bananas. I would also like to say they should have a smaller version for asian bananas, the normal “European” version cuts the slices too big. In short if your happy with a normal sized banana this product is fine. I prefer different sized ones.
247. WHAT A WONDERFULLY MARVELOUS IDEA Uncle Dave
It’s Amazing that there are only 400 comments on this technical marvel of the modern world. I have never been a banana lover but with a device like this on the market I may have to rethink my thinking. I see you can buy it with the companion Strawberry Slicer, but I’m not really a strawberry fan either. Does anyone know if this company makes a Meat Slicer? ... I could really use one of those. I like meat!
I am going to buy a banana slicer, mostly for my friend who has no teeth. Until now we have had to wait a few days for the bananas to become soft enough for him to gum. But I think with this modern device Toothless Eddie will be able to eat fresh bananas again, which is good `cause I think his potassium has been very low.
248. PUTS THE ANTIQUATED “KNIFE PLUS EFFORT” METHOD TO SHAME! Chris Forbes
Funny how I just stumbled on this product while searching for those corn on the cob holder thingies. Well, here I am (two weeks later) a changed man. Needless to say I ordered this (my 4th) banana slicer with some reservations. I don’t want to sound archaic, but I really thought the “build a better mousetrap” theory was a bust after buying my third banana slicer. Look, I’m a fan of technology sleeping with convenience just like any other johnny banana slicer, but it took FOUR tries before I realized one simple fact: LASERS ARE NOT OBLIGATORY IN THE EFFORT TO SLICE FRUIT. And look - we ALL feel like a heel for trying the banana slicer iPhone App (FAIL!), but you know, in desperate moments, $1.00 seems like a steal. Long story short: Not only could a monkey appreciate the simplicity and efficiency of this product - he might even be able to afford it.
249. ONE DRAWBACK punkgrl29
I swear by the Victorio 571B. Literally: whenever I’m near it, I find myself swearing uncontrollably. An unfortunate defect in an otherwise excellent product.
250. A NEW UPGRADE H. Taylor
A few years back, we had the 404A Banana Slicer. It was functional, but it only came in White so it didnt realy match my decor, and my wife was sure it was making a funny noise. Also, it wasnt quite safe to put in the dishwasher. So I was happy to see they were coming out with an upgrade. When I ordered it, I couldn’t wait till it came to us in the mail. And lo and behold, it came just as advertised, in bulk, no wrapping or anthing. Taking it out of the package was a breeze, as well. They really did their homework. I couldn’t wait to take it through a few bananas and see how it handled. First off, it was a nice yellow. What a relief, we dont have to paint anything, as that goes well with our counter tops, so I can now proudly display it, instead of hiding it like the last model in a drawer. And boy, was it quiet. I can’t beleive the difference! I’ll never doubt my wife again. She was right, the old one was noisy! The extra curving handled all mannor of straight and curvy bananas. Now, the really long ones caused the old one some trouble, you actually had to use a knife, a clear extra step. They eliminated that with this, a longer version. No more am I troubled getting a knife out to cut ends off of my bananas to get them to fit! And it worked well in the dishwasher. I am quite impressed. I am looking forward to some serious banana slicing now with this model.
251. MOM OF SEVEN, THIS SAVED MY LIFE... RNmommyto5
As you can understand, a Mom to seven children ages 5 months to 18 years doesn’t have much time to slice bananas. We go through about 17 pounds of bananas per day, because 1) they are as cheap as little debbie snack cakes but way more healthy and B) they look pretty in my kitchen and last longer than fresh flowers. So anyway, because I have so many children, and am always looking for chores for them to do, this banana slicer came in super handy. My 2 yr old uses the banana slicer to help me make baby food for the twins (5 months old.) I was gonna buy one of those fancy smmancy baby food blenders to make mashed bananas, but this slicer was so much cheaper. After the 2 yr old slices, I smash, and the twins eat! The five yr old loves the slicer because she is obsessed with scissors and wants to cut everything; paper, her own hair...and recently she cut off all the blonde curls on her brother’s head (the 2 yr old) so now she is only allowed to cut bananas with the slicer. The 12 yr old uses the slicer and refuses to eat a banana the “old fashioned way” due to the fact that the slicer is “way cooler than eating a banana like they did in the 90’s”.....ok, that’s a tween for you. My 16 yr old is ADAMANT that he use the slicer before eating a banana because his older 18 yr old sister pointed out that he “looked vulgar” while eating his banana the other day, before we found this ingenious product. So, he will only eat it if sliced by our new 571B. And, my 18 yo daughter now uses the slicer to cut the banana for these smoothies she has been drinking every day. She is on a new health kick, and would like to include the entire family in her new diet. She really did surprise me though, when she
pulled the slicer out of her pocket in the grocery store the other day. We are unable to grocery shop without being stopped by 66 people who ask, “Do you have two babies?” “Are they twins?” “Are ALL of these children yours?” Well, one lady made the mistake of asking MY DAUGHTER if the twins were hers, and she yanked that 571B Banana Slicer out of her pocket and said, “I oughta CUT you.” So, thanks lady for inducing this new health kick on my 18 yr old daughter, she now thinks she’s fat, because you thought the twins were hers. And thanks for my 2 yr old constant repetition of “you can’t cut her she’s a lady, not a banana....giggle, giggle
252. CLEANING WOES HRP
Well thank goodness I’ve gotten my banana slicing time down from 14 seconds to 1.5 seconds per day (a 12.5 second savings!) That was a huge relief. BUT I have to say I think this product should come with its own cleaning device because I spent the next 7 MINUTES trying to adequately get my dish sponge around all of the little blades to clean it! Since cleaning a paring knife only takes me about 4 seconds that’s 6 minutes, 56 seconds wasted. So cleaning it ate up the savings of 33 banana slicings! I’m a busy person and I have a life to lead here. I started working on my own and I think I came up with a fix. Take a dish sponge and cut slices into it using a sharp pair of scissors at precisely the width of the banana slicing blades. Wet and add soap, then guide the sponge fingers in between the blades. Repeat 1-2 times and you’re done!
Yes, it’ll take you about 2.5 minutes to make the custom sponge but that’s something you only have to do once in a while and it should take your banana slicer cleaning time down to somewhat more acceptable levels.
253. FRUIT SALAD YUMMY YUMMY Kristi
I hate Vampires. I have been on an epic quest to discover the perfect combination of fruits to create the most orgazmator fruit salad known to man! I have given my expertise and service to individuals and groups alike! I don’t wanna be doing and name dropping here... but... Rachael Ray, Paula Dean, The Wiggles, I even helped to create the feast after the Royal Wedding... and... AND!! *SpongeBob* LIVES in a pineapple because of me... that’s how much influence I have! I am kind of a big deal. So... anyway. I have been concocting this masterful fruit salad concept for over a decade now. I have made some experimental samples which I only let my closest friends and family taste. And, for some reason, they constantly complain for a slightly raw, acidy, garlic taste/smell in the salad. And for the LIFE of me I could NOT understand why. I follow all cross contamination proceedures. Non of my spices or vegetables or meat will come into contact with the fruit if I do not want them to. Well, I decided to invite a friend over... you may have heard of her... Martha Stewart? No? Well, I decided to invite her over to help me figure out why my precious salad was coming out all Italian fla-
vored. I got out my utensils, my bowl my mixing spoon, my cutting boards and my trash bowl. I washed my hands and the fruit, as well. Then I began to cut the fruit into small bite-sized pieces. Martha was staring at me with a look of horror (you know... you can imagine it, like a twisted bleached and puckered tuckus hole). And in her most stuck-up voice she said “What are you doing?” I had already finished one kiwi and placed it in the bowl and was well into halfway through the first banana. I pulled the bite sized pieces from my mouth and said “I’m making fruit salad” ... Duh, betch. She looked kinda green then. I guess you are NOT supposed to cut your fruit with your teeth. And account of my Vampire phobia I eat several garlic cloves a day. All I have to say is THANK YOU for creating the Banana slicer... but could you please please please make a kiwi slicer, apple slicer, orange peeler and separator, grape stem remover, strawberry slicer?? And maybe all in one kit? All I have is the banana slicer and they are STILL complaining about the garlic!!! Good thing I own an Olive Garden and not a Fruit Garden. (No one knows I am afraid of Vampires there.... How embarrassing!)
254. CAN’T USE IT Richard Zicari
My uncle crashed his motorcycle into a chicken wire fence at 80mph. I can’t use without thinking of him and the crime scene photos.
255. I HAVE PROPOSED TO MY SLICER - STILL WAITING FOR ITS DECISION D. Montros
Before this amazing invention came into my life, I was partying like crazy, just throwing my life away in an endless series of social engagements where I would drink a lot and have to engage “people” in “conversations” about their “lives.” No more. Now I drink in my home, seek out new applications for my 571B Banana Slicer, and weep quietly. Some uses I think you’ll find immensely helpful: sock hangar for 17 socks; one-way boomerang (please treat all weapons as if they are loaded); toilet un-clogger (this thing cleans up in a snap!); replacement drum stick; dog trainer; and trusted confidant. I bought one for a homeless guy and I never saw him under the dumpster again, so this thing might actually cure a lifetime of bad choices and/or bad luck; I’ll report back if he is merely dead. This thing probably does wonders on fruit, too. I’m fearful of the ecstasy that will engulf me when they come out with an electric version (which I will probably choose to shoplift), but I’m thankful that my friends don’t pester me with “phone calls” and “texts” inviting me out “anymore.”
256. SO, IT’S LIKE...A BANANA SLICER? Boogie Man “stinkybooboo”
Dude. I totally got this in the mail and I thought it was going to, like, slice all my bananas for me. You have to PICK THE THING UP and TAKE IT TO THE BANANA and PUT YOUR HANDS ON IT AND OPEN THE BANANA and THEN LAY THE PEELED BANANA DOWN and THEN SLICE IT and THEN PUT THE
PIECES IN YOUR MOUTH. WTF (that sounds for what the freak, don’t get nuts, Amazon). Look, I don’t live in a third world country and I’m guessing you don’t either (if you do, get off the internet and move to Switzerland, it’s lovely, so I hear). Why would you want a product that expects you to do so much work. And this is the second type of FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY ONE PROTOTYPES? Along the way, did they think to bestow sentience on it? NO? WELL, THEN THIS BANANA SLICER CAN KISS MY FOOT. Let me know when a sophisticated AI is added to it and I’ll think about giving you at least four stars. Also, it should come in red.
257. MISSING INSTRUCTIONS By Edward
I had difficulty using this product until I realized i had been trying to insert the bananas vertically. While there is a detailed instruction manual in the box, it does not discuss the actual banana axis of insertion. I wish there had been an instructional DVD included.
258. BEYOND IMPRESSIVE!! Balogun
So THIS is how the Mayan apocalypse was averted! LOL But, seriously, I don’t know if it’s the shape, the brilliant yellow color, or the actual material it is made of, but I DO know that the 571 Banana Slicer has brought about a spiritual awakening of sorts in my home. My children now spend time at the dinner table with my wife and I, slicing bananas for the next day’s breakfast instead of running
to their rooms after dinner and hopping on their phones or video games. With the time I save using the Banana Slicer instead of our old fruit knife, I am now well-rested and eager to go in and perform surgery on my patients, whereas I used to put it off as long as possible. My wife has even added the Banana Slicer to her Steampunk cosplay costume and now her persona as a Tinkerer really pops with authenticity. Do yourself a favor and order yours TODAY!
259. ORDER WHILE YOU CAN! LITIGATION PENDING MD
If you are considering this product I strongly urge that you buy it immediately. I have one and have enjoyed it for months... BUT There have been recent ‘incidents’ of disfigurement in Maryland that the mainstream media is suppressing. Evidently users failed to head instruction 3 before using. (Step 3. “Place banana on a cutting board”) Apparently they were slicing while driving. They hold the banana in their hand then push the slicer down. Injuries have ranged from minor to severe. Litigation is imminent. Sources say the new model will have a guard and likely duller cutters. I have ordered three more H571Bs while they are still available. ...about me recreational cooking experience, no formal training, can boil water.
260. ELECTRICAL BANANA IS GONNA BE A SUDDEN CRAZE Jonathan Swiftboat
I attached a stylus to the slicer, hooked it into my 40 year old Radio Shack phonograph player and played “Mellow Yellow” backwards. Did you know that song was about DRUGS??? I got an extra one that I hung on my tree as a Christmas ornament. Boy, has that ever turned out to be a conversation piece!!!
261. EASY ENOUGH FOR MY STUFFED ANIMAL COW TO USE Booticus
When my stuffed cow, Flat Cow, first told me that he wanted to get this banana slicer, I thought he was crazy! Who needs a banana slicer, when a knife will do just fine. Wel,, after months of Flat Cow’s incessant mooing and nagging, I finally gave in. Wow, what a surpirse. This thing is better than any iPhone! In fact, I would put this up against any model iPhone in a banana slicing competition, even against an iPhone 5. All you do is allign the banana (making sure to peel it first) and then push down firmly, on the two ends of the banana slicer. You get perfect slices every time. So perfect that they look like backgammon pieces! A picture is worth 1000 words, so here is a link to a picture of my stuffed cow, using his new banana slicer. Two hooves up, way up!!!
262. I WAS USING IT ALL WRONG...... marksports
So I recently found out you do NOT hang it up and throw the bananas through it!
You peel the bananas too?? OMIGOSH... that’s just too much work. I’m switching over to the new Atomic 572......it may not slice as well but you will never need a flashlight if you have an Atomic Banana!
263. IGNORE THE RUMORS: THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER WAS NOT DESIGNED FOR HOT DOGS Todd Ross “toddross”
When my family acquired Hutzler Heavy Industries in 1978, the 571 Banana Slicer was merely an idea. Due to an oversight in the acquisition process, Abraham Hutzler III was given an entire department and nearly unlimited funding to execute his vision. Management was appalled, but Abraham perserved. As a result of his brilliance, banana-slicing tragedies have been reduced by an astounding 6% in the past twenty years. However, since the rise of the internet, offensive and dangerous rumors regarding alternative uses for the 571 Banana Slicer have spread like a virus, and the results have been deadly. In 2003, a young man tried to use a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer to slice a hot dog wiener with disastrous consequences. A video of his attempt was recently posted to YouTube and has received more than five million views. The video shows a young man laying a hot dog wiener on a cutting board, and placing the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer on top of it. The video then cuts to a loop of a pop-tart shaped cat with rainbows shooting from its rear end. What this video fails to show is what happened when the young man tried to operate the
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer on a hot dog: He accidentally amputated both of his feet, and the hot dog was ruined. Please do not use the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer on any of the following food items: hot dogs, zucchini, yellow squash, skinny pears, and those weird, red bananas that you sometimes find at specialty grocery stores. Those bananas are filled with spiders.
264. EXPERIENCED Dennis S. Cooley “Scotty C.”
I am 53, so needless to say I am very experienced in banana slicing. I have to say that the Hutzler 571 is the standard that I will measure banana slicers by from now on. I will be giving these to all the “special” people on my gift list this Christmas. We are truly blessed to be living in this age of endless technological wonder. I cannot imagine what my grandfather would have thought had he lived to see this.
265. PICKS UP HDTV AND INCREASES WIFI dan
I had this product a little over 10 hours and I can tell you from experience I find at least 20 different uses a day for my banana slicer. First i plugged it into my phones headphone jack and BOOM guess whos chatting up pals overseas for free? Next I affixed it to the top of my TV and Boom free HBO! But wait it gets better! I filled up my gas tank with left over turkey stock and added the miracle banana slicer and BOOM im getting 84mpg! I have ordered 2 more to give to all my closest friends and even my friends pets.
266. SO EASY A DOG CAN DO IT RussleK
I long ago turned over trivial tasks to my dog Othello. He loves this product, and would have submitted this review himself but he had to dictate to me because he can’t type.
267. THANK YOU 571B Bananasrule
For the last three years I have been to afraid to eat a banana. Every time I do, men would think I’m gay and hitting on them. It’s not my fault I put so much in my mouth! I have been using the 57b1 and it has solved all my problems. Thank you!
268. LIMITED COLOR OPTIONS HOLD BACK FUNCTIONALITY Murpes
While yellow may seem like the most appropriate color for a banana slicer, I’ve found that when working with large numbers of bananas the tool can get lost in the pile. I’d prefer a high-contrast color to aid in location during a serious slicing session. Additionally, when working with a team, there is often confusion as to who owns what slicer, one time resulting in an argument that ended a long-time friendship. We now mark all of our Hutzler 571 Banana Slicers with a Sharpie, but having color options would be a welcome feature in a future version.
269. TOTAL DISAPPOINTMENT! Evgeny G. Mogilevski
When I bought this product, I was anticipating fast and effective banana slicing. But no...it took me 45 minutes until I gave up looking for a power cord! Then I tried to install AAA batteries, AA batteries, even XZ batteries - and guess what? The device is not compatible! I even unbent two paperclips, tied a wire to each one of them and sticked them into the electric outlet. Apparently the device is not capable of handling 110V (unlike me). I am not about to give up after a sleepless night. Would any fellow reviewer from Europe be willing to pay a shipping charge so I can send it to you and you can try it under 220V? Otherwise I will have to admit the defeat :(
270. ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME? FWoodsy07
I had complained over & over to my husband what a tedious job slicing bananas for our children in the morning had become. I’d have break downs so bad that I’d down a bottle of wine and go to bed and he’d have to care for our children almost daily. I kept telling him how nice it would be to find a product that sliced bananas. I’d have more time for him, the kids and less stress! One day I came home after a couple of hours with Marco my personal trainer, and I see my husband standing in the kitchen with a grin. I looked down and I gasped, “Is that a Hutzler Banana Slicer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me,” I asked excitedly. To my delight there it was............a banana slicer! I couldn’t believe my
eyes and now our lives have changed forever! Oh thank you, thank you to the inventor of this marvelous product!
271. SUMERIANS ROCK! Ellen Lopez
As a world-famous archeologist I get really excited when the Big Wheel Turns and a “new” product comes along that is identical to an ancient device. Well the Hutzler Banana Slicer is exactly such a product! If you google “sumerian tablet images” and click on the leftmost image in the second row, you will clearly see the bunch of bananas at the bottom of the central column, and the banana slicer at the top. Well the modern product works just as well as the old one, let me tell you! It just goes to show that good ideas never go out of style.
272. MY FINGERS ARE STRONG NOW! Kevin Barrack
I used to have weak, flabby fingers. The 571B and a sink is all I needed. I yearned for some way to strengthen my digits, to bulk them up and show those finger bullies who’s boss! I tried pilates: no. Spinning: no luck. Bench presses: shockingly no. Yoga: only a little. Then by chance a friend gave me the Victorio Kitchen Banana Slicer. Some people think that Victorio Kitchen is a place, but no, I did some research and discovered that he was an unfortunate Italian man suffering from my same condition. He developed this amazing product, just to tone and strengthen the fingers. The way it works is ingenious. All you need is a banana. Push it down on it as a warm up. Discard the banana. Then, take the 571B to the
sink, and this is where the magic happens. You use your fingers, and either a rag or toothbrush to individually clean each “blade” of the slicer. Both sides of each of the 16 blades must be cleaned by hand -- or rather by FINGER! My fingers are now so strong that I can open soda cans without using the plastic adapter I bought from that mail-order catalog. This is truly a blessing that God has delivered unto my life. If clicking the mouse to scroll down and read this review was an exercise in exhaustion then don’t hesitate to buy this product!
273. ALIEN TECH! Oranjello Orion
Open your eyes people! Do you really think our species, which has been slicing bananas the same way for tens of billions of years, suddenly made a leap like this on our own? Think about it ...... Cell phones! Particle colliders! Banana slicers! Hello!?
274. ONE WEIRD QUIRK JC
This product does slice bananas faster and more evenly than a knife, but there is one odd bug/feature: when you slice a banana with a knife, it is pretty much silent, but when you slice a banana with a Hutzler, there comes a sound like a hundred children and nine cats shrieking, and a faint chanting in an alien tongue, like the cursing of a foolishly forgotten tropical god. I think it’s incon-
venient because I often like sliced bananas on my breakfast cereal but I’m afraid the shrieking and whatnot will wake my girl up. She says she can’t hear it, though. Not even when she’s standing in the room.
275. IT DIDN’T COME WITH DIRECTIONS! LuLu
I have to say this product SOUNDS like a good idea but in reality, it is one confusing little device. And there are no directions! First, it is not really clear that you are supposed to peel the banana before trying to slice it. Look at the slicer. It has the stem and bottom nub on it, clearing indicating you are supposed to slice the banana as represented - that is - UNPEELED. But it DIDN’T WORK! While I always follow directions, I decided to peel it. But then I was confused as to which way to hold it while slicing. In short, a deceptivly simple-looking slicer is in reality so complex you need to be a Mensa member to figure it out. I will stick to slicing my bananas the old-fashioned way - with my banana guillotine.
276. DANGEROUS! Terri Dean
OK, I don’t understand why Bucky Balls are being outlawed, yet this obviously dangerous piece of equipment is still allowed on the market!!! Also, I heard, “THERE’S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND!!!!!”
277. DOES THE JOB enduna
A lot of the reviews on here are obviously facetious. I doubt the reviewers even own this product. But occasionally I think someone might want to know for real if this is the banana slicer for them. So I’m not going to make a bunch of stupid banana jokes. I have arthritis, and slicing bananas is a painful chore. I also breed gorillas. Right away you can see why I would find this product a godsend. Not as heavy as the older 450 model -- it can bend if your bananas are particularly unripe, creating slices that are not uniform -- the 571 could use an upgrade to make it stiffer, but at least it’s easier on the wrists because it’s lightweight plastic. The pronounced curve at the stalk end might not accomodate all bananas, and plantains will only fit if sliced in half first. But it’s still much easier, and with the uniform slices I don’t end up with two silverback males tearing each other apart and throwing nettles around because one got a thicker piece of banana during the training sessions. I also train them. Overall, a good but not great banana slicer. The price is hard to beat, it’s great for one or two bananas. But the Krupps B1004 series aluminum screw-mount banana slicer is best for large volume projects. Also, I read a couple of reviews that complained this unit turns brown really fast. Get the optional stand. It will stay yellow much longer.
278. WARNING: NOT APPROVED BY THE AMA Patrick Odaniel
Yes, I know you’re thinking the same thing I was thinking: this product would be perfect for combing lice out of my kids’ hair. Not if you want to have the little rug rats run screaming from the house doing a pitch perfect imitation of the climactic scene from the movie Carrie. After being thoroughly disappointed with the performance of this product, I carefully reviewed the packaging and discovered that no where on it was there any indication that this product was approved by the AMA or otherwise had been listed as an approved medical device by the FDA. Where is 60 minutes when you need them?
279. THE PERFECT GIFT Bruce C “Bruce C”
The most vexing problem of my life was solved today: what to give my wife for a retirement gift?!? Something she can use, enjoy and be proud of. Something that won’t break the bank now that we are on a fixed income. Something that will let her save time in her busy retirement schedule. Best of all, when we downsize our household, we won’t have to find room to store this gem ... it will be the centerpiece of our art collection, proudly displayed on the new living room wall. Thank you Victorio, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
280. THANKS TO THESE INGENIOUS DEVICES, I AM FREE!! Thomas
I am one of the 27 monkeys that was being trained by another reviewer to do his evil bidding. I decided I had enough and I escaped today. It was only possible with the amazing Victorio 571B Banana Slicer (highly recommended, and Amazon rocks)! The slices that I made with this incredible product were used to make imprints of the cage keys. I then paid a janitor to take the imprints of the keys to a local hardware store to make copies and bring them back to me. I paid him in banana slices. He just couldn’t understand how I made so many in such a short time. I then made slippery traps for the staff with both the banana peels and the extra 11,000 slices I was able to create in a mater of hours. Now that I am free I plan to free the rest of my friends. I need more slicers! As of this review, they only have 5 more 571B Banana slicers left and I can’t figure out how to pay for them with only banana slices. Someone please help!
281. DISAPPOINTED Lisa
Alton Brown says that you should never have a kitchen product that is a uni-tasker, and things have been a little dry around here between the husband and me (if you know what I mean). So I see this product and I think to myself “this might make a great multitasker!” (if you know what I mean). It doesn’t.
282. ONE SLICER TO RULE THEM ALL B. Baggins
I found myself in between a rock and some creatures lake when I saw something gold glint on the lake shore. I picked it up and a Victoria Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer came out of the dirt. No sooner did I hear Gollum scream “why can’t we cuts the banana straight!”. I hid the banana slicer and narrowly escaped. I’ve grown obsessed with it. Everyone wants it but it’s MINE! It’s my precious. My nephew must destroy it. Since it is only weak plastic, it can be easily melted. But one does not simply destroy the most powerful kitchen appliance made in Middle Earth. DO NOT BUY THE BANANA SLICER! Everytime you perfectly slice your banana, Sauran’s great eye can see you. But if you must... Keep it secret. Keep it safe.
283. SIMPLY AMAZING Michael W. Bailey
I’m so glad they shaped the 571 like a banana. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve accidentally used the wrong appliance, like the toaster, to slice my bananas. Before this, slicing bananas used to be so dull and boring, but now everyone in my family fights to use this thing.
284. BANANAS GOTTA BE SLICED rappac
I recently received my brand new Hutzler 571 while on holiday in Costa Rica. I showed it to the old foreman of a banana plantation in Matina valley. He was quite taken with how beautifully it worked. I said, “Let’s run down in the valley and slice a few of those bananas”. He tempered his grin, spat on the ground, eyed me and thumbed his suspenders and finally said, “Let’s walk down and slice all those bananas.”
285. IS THIS SAFE FOR WOMEN? Leon Dekelbaum “process613”
I would love to get this for my mother, but she has trouble with electronics and I’d hate for her to get injured. Does anyone know of a woman using this safely?
286. THE HUTZLER 571B RUINED MY BUSINESS! shawnesty
I spent the last 11 years of my life getting a degree in Cooking Science so I could break into the industry. I eventually invented Maxwell’s “Salad Tossing Station” that you can find in many fine establishments, such as Chuck-O-Rama and The Golden Corral. The Tossing Stations were such a hit, we expanded to include Fruit Salad. It soon became apparent that people were coming to these restaurants just to get their Fruit Baskets tossed. It was our showmanship...everyone raved at our abilities. GOURMAND WEEKLY said that “Nobody can handle a banana like Maxwell!” and “Max-
well is the Benihana of long fruit!” Soon, I was tossing the fruit salads of celebrities, including Tom Cruise and John Travolta (tho I had to sign a contract with the latter). Bu that all ended. The Hutzler 571B hit the market with all the subtlety of weed-whacker. Before I knew it, everyone wanted to toss their own salad...with the 571B they could do it by themselves. They didn’t even have to be in the kitchen, they could toss their fruit in the comfort of their own bedrooms. With the ‘ease’ and ‘convenience’ of the 571B, I have lost everything. Tossing salad has become a lost art, taken over completely by machines.
287. FRUSTRATED M. Williams
I bought the 570 model just a few months ago and now they are selling the 571! My unit is already obsolete and it’s practically new. So frustrating. Hutzler pulled the same stunt in 2009 with the awful 568 model (the “never needs sharpening” fiasco). I’m sure the 571 has all the features you need but I’d hold off until the 571A comes out in the spring. I read that it will be slimmer than the 571 and also available in white.
288. OUTSTANDING SLICES! Mister Torgue
I’ve tried everything. All manner of cutting bananas that i can possibly think of. At first i used a butter knife, but thought “Hey, you
know what? This knife is for butter! Not bananas!” so i immediately stopped doing that. I had similar experiences with steak knives, bread knives, cheese knives, even my handy-dandy Safe-T-Bagel knife. But behold, i have no problems anymore! When i discovered the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, all of my problems seemed to melt away! I could cut bananas! I lost weight! I married the girl of my dreams! I even adopted a puppy from my local animal shelter because i wanted to share my great life with another life who deserved better! Thanks Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer!
289. WHERE’S THE CATCHER? Tricia Cain
I ordered one of these slicers and found it quite useful. However, I don’t own any plates. I find myself slicing my bananas on paper towels. As soon as I go to pick it up, one of the perfect little wheels roll onto the floor. My dog is happy but now I am a few slices short of banana heaven. Please invent a type of banana hammock so that I may enjoy my fruity snack in a sack.
290. NOT FOR MULTIFRUIT TASKING Jeff Howe
OK, this tool is fine for bananas; I’m not going to quibble about that. But when I tried to slice blueberries with it, they just squished. And when I tried to slice apples with it, they all came out shaped like bananas. I won’t even mention what happened to the pineapple. Suffice it to say, I was a little disappointed in its lack of versatility in fruit slicing.
291. I WAS HOSPITALIZED THANKS TO THIS TooMuchK/ButStillAliveThankGod
Who knew you could overdose on potassium so much you could almost die. Since buying this product I was forced to buy lots of bananas and had to eat them all day. I had banana pie, banana cookies, banana yogurt, banana apples.... When I started to feel eye twitches & spasms, I figured I should see the doctor. GLAD I DID! He said if I had had one more slice I could have died from hyperkalemia. When I return this product, I would appreciate a check for my hospital bill. There was no warning label about the condition on the packaging, and I am disappointed in the company for that.
292. RATHER DISAPPOINTED AT FIRST D. Schuler “Literary Gadfly”
I bought this product hoping that I had at long last found a way to cut my many head scarves. Imagine my disappoinent when it arrived and I found that it wasn’t a bandana slicer at all. Disaster! I threw the 571 in a drawer, and it would still be there today if a friend hadn’t urged me to give it another chance. Am I ever glad he did! Lile a fool I’d always believed that you have to eat the entire banana, because once you start on the thing, who the heck knows when to stop? Now I had choices in abundance! I could eat one or two or three slices at my whim, or I could eat the whole daned
thing! The power was mine! And it can be yours as well. Just don’t expect it to do anything for your head scarf.
293. I PREFER MY BANANAS JULIENNED! D. Farry
Sliced? Big whoop! What happened to diced!?! Chopped?! Shoestring bananas?!? Bias cuts?!? This thing is for the amateur chef with little imagination. Think outside the box, Hutzler! 294. PERFECT Sparkletoes I love my banana slicer! It fits flatly at the bottom of my “almost never use” utensil drawer. It’s been there ever since my mother-inlaw gave it to me. Worth it’s weight in plastic.
295. WHAT? NO CRINKLE CUT? Kirby Palm “Kirbert”
I was ecstatic at the thought of finally being able to slice my bananas professionally into intricate shapes such as crinkle-cut, spiral sliced, cubed, you name it. But so far, all I’ve been able to accomplish with this product is simple, straight slices -- and I could do that with a knife. Maybe I’m not using it right? The instructions could have been more detailed.
296. Needs Work The Dude
Be careful, this thing is sharp. I had hoped to only partially cut my banana, as I like to break off pieces and enjoy through out the day. But even with minimal pressure exerted, the 571 Banana Slicer ripped right through to the other side, leaving me to carry all 18 banana medallions in my hand. I think some sort of preventative measure is necessary to correct this problem, otherwise I would have given it the full 5 stars.
297. I SURVIVED THE HUNGER GAMES Mysoulzasong
The Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer literally saved my life. I live in a small country called Panem, and we have these games every year, kinda like the Olympics except a lot more, well, death. I was lucky enough to get picked last year. I kept thinking during my training, what would give me the edge? What can I possibly bring with me so I can out smart and out live these 23 other kids. It hit me one morning during breakfast when I saw an Avox struggling to prepare the fruit salad I ordered. Banana slices ended up on the floor, stuck to the knife, a real mess really. Thats when I ordered the Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer. I had my trainer have a sponsor send it to me once we were in the arena. As luck would have it, every tree was a banana tree! While the other tributes were struggling over slicing bananas, I already had 10 bananas perfectly sliced in just seconds! Not having the Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer was their undoing. Needless to say I won, attacking when they were struggling to slice their bananas as beau-
tifully as I could. As I held a rock over one tributes head, ready to kill, she asked me, ‘How? How did you get such perfect slices?’, and I just replied cryptically, ‘Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer’. I I owe the Victorio Kitchen 571B Banana Slicer my life.
298. HUTZLER 571 SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP! Tim “habapalooza”
So there’s this girl I’m seeing. And yeah, we sort of like each other. You might say, we’re “bananas” about each other. That’s right, one of the main focal points of our relationship is that she likes bananas, and I like bananas. Here’s where things get a little sticky. She comes from a nice, straight laced Venezuelan family, all of whom use a machete to cut their bananas (they still won’t tell me what their family business entails but I assume from their M16s and large amounts of cocaine, it’s something in entertainment). I, a simpleton farm hand with a heart of gold, have always used a hoe. My girlfriend has repeatedly warned me to “never trust a hoe with an eye patch - you just know she’s got something in there” and I assumed she meant to criticize my method of cutting my bananas. I yelled, she yelled. She yelled, I yelled. The next thing I know, her two cousins Pedro and Esteban aka Los Diablos (I know, like the video game!) have me tied to a chair in a basement saying somethin’ ‘bout cutting off my “huevos” even though I hate eggs. Anyway, the four of us ended up going online and checking out this product. At first I was like this product is too good to be true just like the prospect of seeing sunlight after being trapped 3 days in a basement with no food or water, but after it arrived 4 business days later (guesstimating with my internal time clock here, folks!), it wasn’t too good to be true because it was true. Imagine your ba-
nana cut without even lifting a finger. Having worked on a farm, you don’t need to tell me twice that the hardest labor is always tendin’ to the ‘nanas. Now, with the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, what usually takes me 5 hours only takes 2. Thank you Hutzler. My girlfriend and I owe it all to you. Also, if you get this review, please inform the DEA of my disappearance. I have no idea where I am, and I haven’t been fed for a week. Send everything.
299. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN MY CHAINSAW... xwayne “xwayne”
I was getting tired of cutting my bananas with a chainsaw, and there was never enough banana left after cutting it for my Cherrios. So I bought this thing ‘cause it promises to make slices sized perfectly for my Cherrios. Well it arrived in the mail yesterday but I have not figured out where to put the gas. Customer support is terrible. They can’t figure out where the gas goes either.
300. MY PRAYERS ANSWERED P. Pfanner
With the collapse of modern society has come a universal loss of faith in mankind’s ability to solve the great challenges of our time. Rejoice! The Hutzler 571 proves there is a shortcut to a happier future. I know first-hand since I now save nearly 20 seconds perbanana per day (x3) and over the course of a year that gives me an additional six hours of time to develop my hands-free banana peeler inspired by the poetic elegance of the iconic Hutzler 571. Anyway you slice it, the Hutzler 571 defines what is possible when we confront Father Time -- the only true opponent we all face in
life. Score your purchase of a Hutzler 571 as a resounding victory for humanity and celebrate all that it represents.
301. THIS UPGRADED BANANA SLICER IS A HUGE IMPROVEMENT Sybilla Goodall
My Great Grandmother purchased the 001 model of the Hutzler Banana Slicer in1868. The women in my family have been using them ever since, buying each new model as it came out. I well remember the happy day when I received my own 570 model as a wedding gift from my mother. I have treasured it and used it for years. However, this new Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is a huge improvement over their 570 model. Though I love using the 570 model, I have always been bothered by the amount of banana wasted because the square shape left the top couple of inches unsliced. I tried every way I could think of to make use of those ungainly chunks - including trying to use the slicer a second time on the top section. But waiting for it to go through the dishwasher after the first slicing just took too much time and the chunk always turned brown before I could use the slicer again. Now, with the elegant curved model, which conforms perfectly to the shape of a banana, I am able to cut a complete banana each and every time. A heartfelt thank-you to the genius who thought of this. You have made my life infinitely better and I look forward to the day when I can buy one to give my own daughter.
302. THE BANANA SHOULD BE PLACED HORIZONTALLY Christian E. Loza
First of all, the product is excellent. Before this product, I’d spend as many of the reviewers here, great part of my day trying to get the correct cut for my bananas. Sometimes too thin, sometimes too thick. It’s the attention to the detail that makes a slice of banana, an gourmet slice of banana. Now, the first time I used this product, I was too excited, and placed the banana vertically. I didn’t even notice the product image showing the correct position for the banana. What a waste! my banana ended up being split into slices that I had to throw to the garbage. With careful attention now, my banana slices are evenly cut, making me the envy of my neighbors when we get together to share banana slices with tea. Just make sure to place the banana horizontally before applying the product!!
303. SAVED MY FAMILY Mary L.
Every morning I would peel a banana for each of my children. They wanted their bananas sliced, but I couldn’t figure out how to achieve perfect slices and so I was afraid to try. What if my children saw that I was not a skilled banana slicer? Would they still
love me? Now that we have this, life is FULL again! My children are once again happy and fed. This product is a miracle!
304. NO MORE VOICES! Ryan Bathke “Ryan.B”
For so long I have been plagued by voices in my head constantly ridiculing and reminding me how my old ways of slicing bananas was never good enough for modern society. “Your father wouldn’t have beat you constantly if you could slice that banana” they’d say, or “She’d still be alive if weren’t for your crooked banana slices” they’d say. But not anymore!! Now with the 571B Banana Slicer I can slice bananas like a pro and the voices have stopped! My therapist reduced my daily medications and I can even go outside without an escort now!! Thanks again 571B Banana slicer!!
305. WORK OF THE DEVIL Eric
As my fundamentalist Christian hero Ray Comfort rightfully pointed out, a banana is created by God specifically for the hand. It has a non-slip surface which other foods simply do not have. It has a tab at the top which God made so that we could easily open our heavenly fruit. Wouldn’t want the contents squirting in your face from this phallic fruit gem! It has a curved shape that points directly toward the mouth, and it is sized appropriately for easy entry. God made bananas to be eaten whole, just like it says in the Bible. Sliced bananas are the work of Satan. If god wanted us to eat sliced bananas, he would have said so in the Bible.
306. HELPED ME WITH MY RELATIONSHIP D “Duh”
I was doomed to be an old spinster, I lacked dates and spent Saturday nights alone. All that changed when I got the 571B Banana Slicer. Once I whipped this out and showed off my banana slicing skills at a party, men were lined up out the door to be with me. Thanks Banana Slicer! I’m the most popular girl in town now.
307. NO SIR, I DON’T LIKE IT J. G. Bennett
I’m sorry. I know someone put a lot of work into this but I find that the sliced bananas just confuse my monkey and then he throws his poop at me.
308. GOT MY KID TO STAY IN SCHOOL Kim1983
My 5-year old girl girl got kicked out of school for her ‘banana problem’. Every day she took a banana to school, but every day she got home crying hysterically. She eats her banana with peel (all the vitamins are in the peel right? I taught my girl right!), and all the kids laugh at her every-singletime! Why? The other kids are stupid, taking the peel of, you know how much you pay for a peel?? Waste of money if you ask me... Even the teacher laughs at her, I mean, what kind of teacher are you then? huh? huh? Anyways, after a while, my daughter got so angry with everyone
bullying her, that one day she asked a banana for every one in the class. I thought this was really sweet and thought she wanted to make friends, but then I got a phonecall: well, let’s just not get into that. This may give other children bad ideas in their heads. But long story short, she got expelled. (she got back after 5 months, so it wasn’t that bad...) BUT THEN I FOUND THIS SLICER!!!! It’s awesome, marvelous, cool!!! Now she takes her slicer with her to school and everybody loves her! Of course it is a little hard to slice the banana with peel, but green banana’s work great! Now all the kids in school want to use her banana slicer. She now is the most popular kid in school. I am even thinking about throwing a banana-slicer-party you know, with slicing games and tournaments. Maybe you guys want to come to? Anyway, this thing really saved my family, just like with everybody else. Make your child happy, by the slicer!
309. Product Has A Thousand Uses TechnoLady “Diane”
I found this extremely useful at my Brother-In-Laws Bris. Literally saved the day when the Mohel no-showed. Unlike a previous reviewer the fact that this bent left actually enhanced the usefulness.
310. A GREAT TIME SAVER By John F. Smith
OK. So you people think this is some kind of joke, huh? Well let me just tell you what you don’t know. I bought this little beauty a while back as a surprise for my wife. Now I whipped it out one morning and did my own scientific comparison. I got out my stopwatch and timed the two methods of banana slicing and here are the results. I found two bananas of almost exactly the same length. The bananas both took approximately the same time to peel so this time cannot be included in the experiment. I clicked on the stopwatch, took banana #1 and proceeded to cut it with a standard steak knife into pieces which, as near as I could approximate, duplicated the spacing inside the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I used the quickest and safest slicing technique which I possess. Voila - 19.6 seconds. Next, I clicked on the stopwatch, took banana #2, placed it onto a paper plate and applied the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, using of course the quickest and safest Hutzler technique. Voila - 8.7 seconds. So using simple Euclidean mathematics, we come up with a savings of 10.9 seconds per banana slicing with the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicing System. Now if we take the average slicing between my wife and myself of three bananas per week, we come up with a savings of 65.4 seconds per week which translates to one minute, 5.4 seconds of time saved per week. After 20 weeks of using this wondrous marvel, we have saved 21.8 minutes of time. After telling my wife we had a free 21.8 minutes of time for our first twenty weeks of Hutzler 571 Banana Slicing, I took her hand and we went upstairs to celebrate our new found 21.8 minutes. Of course, I realize that it only comes out to 10.9 minutes each, but I can still handle that time frame quite easily.
311. BEWARE Bargle “Bargle”
The word “banana” in this product is not a euphemism. Do Not repeat my mistake! Thankfully it has almost fully healed
312. MATHEMATICALLY LACKING BUT EFFECTIVE Bardbrain
Although it is clearly visible if you look at the photograph, some buyers may not be aware that this slices a banana into 18 pieces, which are not equal in size. While the device itself appears to perform splendidly, in regards to actual slicing, the unevenness of the resulting slices’ size does not meet my needs and I would strongly prefer my banana slices in even multiples of ten. Perhaps Hutzler will see fit to take this model back to the drawing board for these much needed improvements. Until that time comes, I will not be using the product personally, although I recognize others’ needs may not be so precise. For example, people who are making banana pudding and can stomach the flavor of a banana pudding made with a number of banana slices not divisible by ten. (I would have rated this four stars but I only give reviews in multiples of five.)
313. THIS BANANA CUTTER WILL SAVE YOUR SOUL Bobtheslob43
Do you know why this product has so many positive reviews? Because it is a gift from God!!! It has been prophesied that one day God will come down in product form and save the world. In the book of Hutzler, chapter 5, verse 71, (Hutzler 5:71), it says “For God so loved the world, that he sold his one and only banana cutter, that whosoever bought it from him should not perish, but have everlasting life. And also save some time cutting bananas.” Please, I urge everybody to buy this product, it is the most important thing you can do. And if you don’t want your family to burn in hell, by one for them too.
314. SOME KINDA CHINESE anon
I own a large factory in rural Southeast China. I won’t bore you with the details, but the gist of it is that my company specializes in slicing bananas into uniform cylindrical pieces that are then distributed throughout China to other factories where they are used for various products. Since the government outlawed the use of “poisons” in infant diet products in 2010, you can imagine the increase I’ve seen in demand. In any case, my profits correlate directly to how quickly and precisely the 2,000 workers in my factory can cut bananas, so you can imagine my delight when I discovered the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer.
I was hesitant to order 2,000 slicers, so I decided to undertake a 500-worker trial before going all in. In that two week trial, the 500 slicer-wielding workers outproduced the knife users by nearly 4000%, or roughly 8 million bananas per week. I promptly ordered the execution of the 1,500 workers not trained to use the 571B (because honestly, who has the time or resources to train employees in today’s global economy) and sat back to enjoy the massive influx of revenue that has characterized the last few months for my company. As an added bonus, we’ve seen a significant decrease in debilitating cases of carpal tunnel syndrome since incorporating the 571B into our process; Rates are down to just 94%! I don’t claim to speak for everyone, but if you own a banana slicing factory, or if you’re just too stupid to cut your bananas like a normal person, the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer is for you! (Translation services provided by Victorio Kitchen Products International Administration Office)
315. GAME CHANGER BananaMan37
My 32 year old existance has been marred by my failure to take well proportioned bites of banana: either I take too small of bites and fail to properly nourish myself and subsequentally grow faint, or I take too large of a bite and choke. (I’ve had the Heimlich manuever performed on me 17 times this year) The Hutzler 571, (a vast improvement from the Hutzler 570) has changed my life. Uncut, solid bananas no longer baffle me. Thanks Hutzler!!
316. FAX PAUS, NEVER AGAIN RDL
Excellent, uniformity in banana etiquette... a forgotten art and cultural shortcoming. I used to just eat bananas, but it was socially considered a lewd action. I started crushing it and licking it from between my fingers, still... people were offended. I now have the ultimate “eating a banana in public” tool. My life is fulfilled.
317. BANANA SLICER’S DARK SIDE: THE PRICE OF A SLICE Another wayward fruit
Personally, I have never been disappointed by any Victorio kitchen product. As for instance the VKP1010 Apple and Potato Peeler for $21.95 saved my career, marriage AND made me lose 32 lbs as well as my hair! Next to that, the Victorio 87BUCKET Plastic Popcorn Bucket has never failed me in times of need (before I would have to pop corn one by one and eat them out of spoons). Also I have found the Victorio VKP1102 Snow Cone Gift Pack to make excellent gifts for ALL my friends (which I made by handing them out in vacant parking lots). I take great pride and interest in researching a product before I buy it. And the same goes for the banana slicer 571B. However, after conducting much research on the internet and in the library, I’m afraid I have discovered a rather dark side of this product. Are people aware of the enormity of the criminal network that is tied to this slicer? Even more than any other fruit slicers (believe me, I should know), the black market and mobster activity behind this
seemingly innocent ‘kitchen’ device is shocking. Some improprieties include: trafficked monkey workers, sex scandals involving fruit, and illegal banana smuggling from Tenessee to Canada and New Zealand. Need I go on? All this has made me think purchasing this product goes against everything I stand for. Nevertheless. A person needs to eat. Bananas. So what’s a girl to do? I decided to point all this out before purchasing the product, and also to make a documentary. I’m thinking: bananas, the price to slice; or: Slicers uncovered: an insiders view of the banana case study. Title suggestions are welcome! Also I changed my address just in case. As for the product itself, it works but it’s not really necessary because you could just as easily use a large cheesegrater to get even grated bananaslices. If you do decide to buy the product, buy it from amazon and don’t go looking for it elsewhere or you might get into big trouble. Hope you find this helpful!
318. RIGHT HAND CONSPIRACY anon
On first hearing about the 571 Banana slicer, i was curious, after all, whose day to day life would not be improved by the ability to neatly slice bananas, swiftly and consistently every time? However, a lifetime of living in a world dominated by “ righties”
has left me with a healthy dose of suspicion whenever approaching any new product. I cannot begin to convey the depth of my disappointment upon my first attempt at using the 571 Banana Slicer. IT IS A RIGHT HANDED IMPLEMENT! Of course this is not made clear to purchasers of this product, why would it? You right-handed people are so arrogant, that i bet the thought never even crossed (the right side of )your brain. Every day i and other left handed people are reminded of our status as second class citizens by products such as the 571 Banana Slicer.
319. I CAN ENJOY BANANAS AGAIN! Paul Scarpelli “Rocco Vaselino”
For decades I had not eaten bananas because of the drudgery of having to slice them. But not since buying a Hutzler 571. Even the product’s name sounds like it’s a high-powered 9mm semi-automatic device! For years I struggled with bananas, first having to figure out how to get the peel off (consider marketing a banana peeler, Hutzler!), and then trying to figure out how to get the pesky fruit into consistent, bite-size slices. My life is changed forever. I would suggest including instructions, though; it took me an hour to figure out which way to place the banana. And there should be a disclaimer. Although the Hutzler 571 would seem to be the perfect home circumcision device, we (rather painfully) discovered that is not the case.
320. OCD APPROVED! Curtis H. Breville “Curtis”
As you others with OCD know, When you can’t get every slice the exact same width when slicing with a knife, EVERY slice must be thrown away! Either way. I’m getting kudos for changing the subject from banana slicing to hand washing in group therapy. luirtyifctyghvkop’[tkl DAMMIT! Maybe Hutzler can create a keyboard cleaner that will allow me to not f-up my reviews!!!!!
321. WARNING: THE HUTZLER 571 CAUSES MILD TEMPORARY INSANITY Lisa Wagner
Can I get this in a different color? To match my kitchen. It just doesn’t match anything in my kitchen. I can’t imagine why the Hutzler 571 manufacturer chose yellow. Of all the colors out there. Why yellow? Was it cheaper to make it in bulk yellow? Are kitchens in China yellow? Is it an 80’s rock band tribute? Is it a “caution” color, to warn me to “BE CAUTIOUS” with this product? (Is too much banana consumption hazardous for my health?) Is it yellow to attract bees? Please, answer me, why is it yellow? please.
322. HELICOPTER HAVOC HEADACHES RESOLVED WITH HELPFUL HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER Pontius Pilot
Getting the perfectly sliced banana in the morning has been an elusive task for some time. Using the variety of products that I’ve ordered off of Amazon.com, I thought I was coming close to a working solution with my Syma 107 helicopter, but it was tricky.
You have to have the chopper running on your kitchen countertop at about 50% throttle with you leaning over it. Now drop a prepeeled banana downwards at the same time you mash the gas. If all works well, at the moment just before the chopper begins to take flight with the rotor blades reaching their peak velocity, the banana drops through them and is perfectly sliced. You must release the throttle rapidly upon completion of the slicing or the chopper will shoot sideways across the kitchen and embed itself into the wall. Needless to say, some technique perfection was required, and if you miss dropping the banana into the blades, you risk having the chopper shoot straight up at you and whack you really good in the face. (hopefully you don’t lose and eye or something!) This was starting to work well until I accidentally pulled a frozen banana from the fridge/freezer that I was saving for my next batch of banana bread. Needless to say, the poor little Syma helicopter wasn’t up to the challenge and the ensuing shrapnel bomb explosion of small parts and gears filled my kitchen like a chinese firecracker. -it’s a good thing I wear glasses! Back to Amazon.com for a better solution, I thought I’d try upgrading to the Double Horse helicopter that they keep recommending to me. -almost like my life isn’t complete without a bigger helicopter or something. I mean, they’re still recommending it to me right now at the bottom of this screen! Anyways, with a new larger helicopter, it handles the bananas easily, and even with the peel on. You can try bigger fruit like pears and pineapples, but stay away from spherical objects like apples, oranges with the peel on, and eggs with the shells intact. The only real downside to the larger helicopter was that if you aren’t perfectly timed with the throttle/collective adjustments,
it can take off like a rocket. Getting hit by one of these is very unforgivingly painful, and I hear that noses don’t grow back quite so fast and I’m already on my 3rd pair of eyeglasses for the month. Thankfully a friend of mine told me about the 571B Hutzler Banana Slicer. I had no idea that such things existed. I have an applecorer, a pineapple push processor, but never would I have thought about a banana slicer! Wow! What a world of difference this makes. You have no idea what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not be dreading getting hit by a helicopter in the face. This completely changes my day. Thank you Hutzler for such an amazing product, and thank you Amazon.com for all the stuff that makes life better. I had no idea what my life was lacking until I started shopping here.
323. ORANGE YOU GLAD I BOUGHT THIS BANANA SLICER? Mark Twain
Just a few months ago, I was a lonely guy, down on his luck with no job or special woman in my life. One day, Amazon recommended the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and I figured, why not? I really had nothing to lose at this point. Little did I know that this banana slicer would make me a changed man, a real go-getter type, the kind of man that dominated his bananas in the morning and conquered the lady pool in the evening. I was soon offered a job by a passer-by that saw me and the Hutzler 571 Banana slicer in action and was promoted a week later to Vice President, Global Banana Adviser. Life was really moving in the right direction! Then, I got the idea to change my Match.com profile picture to the Hutzler 571 Banana slicer and within seconds, Victoria’s Secret models and sacred vir-
gins crammed my inbox with requests to be mine and only mine. They couldn’t resist a man who clearly had it all. Thanks Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer!
324. 57LBS -- HECK NO James Lande “(or Joyce Mason)”
How can they call that think a 57LB slicer. The thing weighs barely an ounce. I was wondering why shipping was so cheap. I figured you could simply lay it over the banana and whomp, it would go through all by itself. You have to push on the thing. If this is important to you, then wait for the electric banana slicer.
325. NO STARS FOR YOU! Pete Flynn
This is a bogus product! It isn’t curved the same as the banana and when you slice a banana every one must be straight. I much prefer a Coleman Camp Axe.
326. EVERY HUMAN HOUSEHOLD MUST OWN Stephen D Gast
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is a wonderful kitchen tool, making exquisite banana cuts and...oh screw preserving the space time continuum! A cataclysmic paradox still beats having your brains sucked through a straw by Lord Veergnar’s minions. In the next year, everyone needs to stockpile as many goldies as possible. (“goldie” is short for “Golden Equalizer” as the 571 will come to be known) Store one in every room of the house. Learn to use it blindfolded. Teach your kids to use it. Teach your pets to use it.
Sleep with one under your pillow at all times. Never be more than five meters away from one. Learn how long a meter is. And for God’s sake, never visit Sea World without one. The fate of humanity can still be changed, but you must act NOW! Good luck. We’re all counting on you...
327. FRUIT NINJA penguin10
Before I didn’t know how to slice a banana. Then my new app Fruit Ninja gave me an idea. I sliced my bananas by having somebody throw one in the air, and me cutting it. It always ended up as a mess. Then I thought of an idea. The banana slicer! My friend said that was already invented. So I just went on the computer and bought one. Now all I need is a banana peeler.
328. USEFUL, BUT NEEDS ACCESSORIES Ryan W Wingo
I have been using this product for several years. Like most great inventions, the true genius of this product exists in its simplicity, and undeniable practicality. Here are the down sides: it does not come with instructions, nor does it come with a place to safely store it. The plastic blades are razor sharp, and I have sliced most of the other utensils in my kitchen drawers into banana-slice-shaped pieces. I envision it being stored in some sort of protective bag, or “hammock”, if you will. I think there is significant opportunity here, and have written to manufacturer to start development on a banana hammock that can accommodate this culinary marvel.
329. DOOHICKEY RadGallagher
For 30 years I’ve been cutting bananas with a spoon. I thought it was genius and efficient because the only reason you NEED to cut a banana is to place inside your cereal ... which you are already eating with a SPOON. I was saving time and silverware. My grandmother would always slice bananas with a butter knife, ruining TWO utensils, with the obvious mindset that dish soap and grew on trees made of diamonds and hot water is FREE! I really thought I was doing something good, you know. Especially when I’d just lick the milky flakes and nanner guts off the spoon when finished and discretely place it back in the silverware drawer. But I’ve been bested. I admit it. Lookie at this doohikee (doohickey?). I’m usually a “function over form” gal, but I can’t take my eyes off the artistry and style of a device so functional and sophisticated. Uniform slices have never been created with so much beauty and perfection. If you can’t fork over the five bucks (too low in my opinion) for this rad ass stocking stuffer, then just go ahead and unfriend me. I can’t handle knowing someone like you exists and that we share oxygen.
330. GREAT TOOL FOR TOUGH MUDDERS! NouveauGeek
This handy slicer is lightweight and easy to carry during the Tough Mudder event...just you wait for your first water station where they are handing out bananas! Just slip it in your sock or your liner underwear in your running shorts (be careful, men). When you’re in
the trenches, getting down and dirty (and muddy), there’s nothing better than whipping out your banana slicer at the water station and enjoying a refined snack of a perfectly clean, round, sliced banana. It adds a sense of order to an otherwise chaotic day! A perfectly sliced banana just gives you the extra energy to make it through that next obstacle. Just make sure you grab a whole banana before the volunteers cut it in half and hand it to you, because they don’t make half-banana slicers. By the way, it has other uses. You can also use it as a kind of grapple hook to scale the walls, and it also neutralizes the shock from the electrical wires!
331. IT’S PROBABLY MY 3RD FAVORITE BANANNA SLICER Chap Gmunderson
I have to confess something: I have a lot of bananna slicers. I first got one in college on a dare (crazy days) and found it to be surprisingly accomplished at doing what it is supposed to, slice a bananana a bunch of times fairly equally. I had 14 roommates (those were the days) and having one made it very convenient to add a single bannana slice to each of the bowls of cereal I prepared every morning (I got a discount on my rent). Being college pupils, sometimes we could only afford the one baanana so this made for fewer fights and intentionally-dropped banana skins with the dropper hiding around the corner giggling and waiting for the hated roommate to walk by and slip. As time wore on, I tried it with different longshaped food items just to see if it could become a flexible tool for our household, and it was hit or miss: tube of cookie dough--okay; cucumber--no way; zucchini--occasionally if not fresh; soft popsicle--a hit (take stick out first). But mainly, banananas.
Which takes us to the Modern day. I saw this on Amazon.corp and was immediately taken back to my collegiate days of before. Could I really go back and own a bananana slicer now? Hadn’t that time in my life passed? I held my breath and breathlessly clicked “buy.” I realized as the transaction continued that this was a mistake, as I also had to enter my credit card info, but I stuck with it, and right before passing out I saw the confirmation screen. After what seemed like days the slicer arrived and like the one from my younger, less hairy days, it mainly slices banaanas, not those other items. After examining it carefully for a couple of hours I had the idea that maybe you could Super-Glue razor blades to the plastic teeth and then slice lots of other stuff but really, I don’t think I’ll try it, or everything in my house will be sliced! Trust me! After getting this I ordered a bunch more and they’re all pretty similar. I do like this one, though. And it is plastic, which I always have liked. So, slice a bananna! With this slicer! It works about as well as the other ones, plus is shaped like a banana sort of, which is pleasant. Slice it!
332. CHANGED MY LIFE A-peel-ing middle-aged man
I married my high school sweetheart in 1985, after which we had some of the best years of our lives. In the late 90s I noticed things started to take a turn for the worse, and it all centered on my banana. She said it was hard for her to enjoy my banana when the slices were all different sizes. I would wake up an hour early just to make sure her cheerios were perfect, but by the time I had man-
aged a decent sliced banana, the cereal would be all mushy. My wife would yell at me and threaten me with various kitchen utensils. One day I noticed she suddenly decided that she would “skip breakfast” and she told me just to “go to work, it’s the only thing you’re good for.” A few weeks later, my 571 banana slicer arrived in the mail and I intended on surprising my wife during my lunch hour with a perfectly sliced banana. When I arrived home, I found a banana peel on the counter next to an egg slicer. The thing is, I don’t own an egg slicer. I walked to the bedroom and found my wife naked with my best friend. In a fit of rage I attacked her with the 571 banana slicer, only to find that it wasn’t intended for cutting cheating whore human flesh. After a good laugh and a few court-ordered anger management classes, I finally have learned to get passed my ager and embrace life. That’s where my 571 banana slicer comes in. Though my cheating whore of a wife may have left me, I found that the younger girls sure are impressed after a night of passion when they wake up to find I’ve made perfectly sliced banana pancakes. Thanks 571 banana slicer!
333. GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD/ BANANAS James D. Dunham “jdunham21”
I love my Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer! It is super-soft, thick and luxurious! It helps me stay warm from head to toe and keeps my heating bills low while my hands stay free to use a laptop, TV remote, phone, enjoy a snack, snuggle with pets and much more! It doesn’t slip and slide and allows complete freedom of movement! I truly believe that it is ideal for men, women and children ... it’s even perfect for staying toasty at sporting events, enjoying chilly outdoor
evenings, and even camping! It’s even machine washable for years of comfort and use! Oh wait. That’s my review of my Snuggie. I don’t own a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer because I already own a butter knife.
334. MUCH THAT ONCE WAS IS LOST FOR NONE NOW LIVE WHO REMEMBER IT FWM “Librarian”
The first time I tried to slice a banana on my own led to a period in my life I’m still not comfortable talking about. This new slicer has the potential to bring so much good into the world, but like the One Ring, its power is not of this earth. The slicer answers only to one Banana; it will not share its power willingly.
335. A MUST FOR HAND MODELS! Vincent
I have a very demanding job that makes my day to day banana slicing very difficult. I am a hand model and my digits equal dollars. Imagine my anxiety over needing to slice a banana with those ridiculously dangerous butter knives (the original deadly instruments that could cut things, “like butter”)! Finally, I could no longer take the risk with my beautiful hands!!! For years I had been without that sweet sweet potassium, but now, no longer!! Enter the Hutzler Banana Slicer. The moment I saw this amazing product I knew that there was still hope for the ingenuity of the American Spirit. I ordered one instantly and sat at my door twiddling my fingers (the twiddling is actually what keeps my hands in such good shape) until the day the Hutzler Banana Slicer finally arrived!
Yet, alas!!!! Cruel fate is what came wrapped in that package that day my friends! For imagine my dismay when I open the box only to find that it was not an electric banana slicer!! No power cord, no battery compartment, not even some winding mechanism!!! It worked completely by HAND!!!! The gods had looked down upon me and smited my soul with their evil banana shaped smiles for my vanity!!!!! Please Mr. Hutzler, create an electric version of this Banana Slicer before my lack of potassium causes irreversable damage to my wonderful modeling hands!!!!!!!!
336. IT COULD HAVE WON US THE WAR... Ken
It was 1968 Nam’... my buddy and i had been on patrol when we stopped for a little nourishment. I had a banana, but nothing to cut it with. My buddy takes his bayonet off his M16 so we can share it, but little did we know that we were about to be ambushed by “Charlie”. Most of our platoon didn’t make it, and think back... “what if we just had the 571B Banana Slicer?” I became a different man that day... but my banana being cut into even pieces, still haunts me. I just hope we can learn from it all.
337. BETTER ONE IS COMING Mark Elliott
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is fine as it is, but I have heard (on the Internet, so it must be true) that there is an improved version that will have monomolecular cutting edges that will slice through the peel, the cutting board, the kitchen counter, any under the counter plumbing, right through to the center of the earth. That’s worth waiting for IMHO.
338. SINNERS Putrid
“And lord spaketh unto Zebordoobie and sayeth,segment not thy banana like the heathen does upon his corn flakes,but eateth thine banana whole and speratly.”-Leviticus 75.42 You are all going to hell. Not to mention this product has added at least an extra week to my self defense course.
339. NANNERS AND HOT DOGS TOO! BigNerd
I dared to believe that the Hutzler Banana Slicer might also slice up hot dogs. You see, since my youth I have been hooked on franks n beans. Those sweet, tasty Van Camp’s Franks and Beans. But one day some years ago, I got hold of a heavenly recipe for homemade franks n beans while at a party. How long have I pined for those franks n beans! The subtle taste, the subtle aroma of homemade franks n beans! Alas, I had no reasonable way to slice the weiners. Until, that is, I found the Hutzler Banana Slicer. Now, its’s Franks n Beans every day! And not just with weinerschitzel! Brats and chorizo and Polish sausage--heck, any tubular meat you can find! Thank you, Hutzler Banana Slicer!
340. BANANA PUDDING AND THE HUTZLER P Che Tea Cher
The Hutzler Banana Slicer saved my life. You see one day after getting this as a gift from my mother in law...she called me and said she was coming over to have dinner at my house. I am known for my world famous “Naner Puddin” and she just loves when I make it. To be truthful, I always just did the banana slicing the old fashioned way with a knife but with “mom” coming I decided I best get the Hutzler Banana Slicer out. Well, it took me 5 minutes to dig to the bottom of the drawer where I keep all my fruit and veggie tools (along with my cherry pitter, orange zester, strawberry leaf taker offer thing, avocodo pulp remover, grape seed remover, and apple slicer....). I used the Hutzler Banana Slicer to slice my 3 bananas and then after spending 5 minutes to clean it, (it was usually just one quick rinse and wipe of a blade), I realized I was 10 minutes late leaving for the grocery store for my “Niller” wafers. Well out on the highway, I encountered a horrible accident. A semi had hit a wayward cow just down the road. Well, it did a little damage to that semi but IF I had hit the cow, it would have smashed my 1976 Nova (no airbags) to smitherins and no doubt me. The trucker told me it happened ‘bout 10 minutes before. So...can you see why I say the Hutzler Banana Slicer saved my life? I’m sure you are wondering how my Naner Puddin turned out. Well, it was just the best. “Mom” loved it and complemented me on the evenly sliced bananas. She said that I was taking care of her little baby boy just fine. I guess you could say that the Hutzler Banana Slicer not only saved my life, buy it saved my marriage as well cause “mom” always said I better take care of her little baby boy...unevenly sliced bananas would not do. Thank you thank you Hutzler Banana Slicer!!
341. CURED MY CANCER, SLIGHTLY REDUCED POVERTY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! Joss T
Before I bought the 571B Banana Slicer, I had thumb cancer. The 571B Banana Slicer came into my life a week before I received my first cancer free scan. Today the cancer is in remission, and I am able to play video games like Pitfall and Marble Madness again. Also, the dirty homeless guy in my neighborhood died shortly after I sliced my first banana with the 571B Banana Slicer. Due to the slight reduction in homeless and/or poor people in my neighborhood, it can be logically deduced that the 571B banana slicer is the only variable that changed in my life, and therefore is a life changing product! While the first two life enhancing events are clearly applicable to the 571B banana slicer, I did notice that the average humpback whale population off the Straight of Gibralter dipped by 0.0073% between the years of 1999 and 2006, which happens to be the time frame in which the 571B banana slicer came to market. (You can verify these numbers by comparing any Farmer’s Almanac published within that date range, with one published after 2006) As sad as that is, I can’t be certain that whales dying and the mass production of the 571B Banana Slicer are mutually inclusive, and I don’t think the events are sufficiently related, such that a causal nexus exists. Therefore you can purchase this item without feeling responsible for the dead whales from 8 years ago.
I highly recommend this product to banana lovers, and people who are uncomfortable with the indigent.
342. A GIFT FROM THE GODS! jonathan Phillips
Much like Mjolnir, the mighty hammer of Thor, the Gods have bestowed upon us a weapon so powerful that even a common man may tame (and neatly separate) the almighty banana. Bless you, Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Sliver. May the light of all pure shine forever on your meadow. Excelsior!
343. MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN HAS JOY - AND CEREAL WITH BANANAS! Andrew R. Hesh “Old Softball Junkie”
While I was growing up, I was fortunate enough to have a mother who could slice bananas perfectly every time. Exactly the same width with no smush, stringyness, or whatever. (I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true!) Unfortunately, she passed away a few years ago, bless her soul, so if I was to have my morning cereal with banana slices, it was up to me to do the slicing. I cannot describe the utter failure with which I met with by attempting this truly daunting task. Not only were the slices of banana of extremely irregular, almost grotesque thickness and shape (not to mention how many were simply reduced to smoosh), the many trips to the emergency room for stitches were quite the bother. Trust me, stitches are no fun.
Eventually, I had to face the obvious. There could no longer be fresh slices of banana upon my morning bowls of cereal. The only course of action would be to plop said banana whole upon my breakfast fare. Understandably, this course of action had two minor flaws right from the start. First off, I found that approximately 99% of my spoonfuls of cereal contained NO banana whatsoever. Even worse, imagine my surprise when the one spoonful entered my mouth that DID contain banana! Thus said, the trips to the emergency room continued, albeit for an entirely different reason. Trust me, the Heimlich maneuver is no fun. Imagine my pure, absolute, unbridled joy when I first laid eyes upon the Victorio 571B banana slicer. No more mangled digits or bulging eyeballs. Once again I will be able to truly enjoy my morning cereal with perfect, firm banana slices. Yeehaw! Thank you, fine peoples of Victorio! Thank you, thank you, thank you! On a side note, I’ve been informed that the hospital emergency room staff was just as jubilant as I was upon learning about this marvelous kitchen necessity. There is even rumor that they’re setting aside August 7th as Victorio Model 571B banana slicer day!! I can just imagine them celebrating by sharing banana recipes and playing various banana-themed games when not patching people together or removing foreign objects from windpipes. What fun!!!
344. A SLICE OF TIME rickreflex
Since the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer found it’s way into my kitchen, I have kept track of the precious time saved using the product. I’ve
calculated 45 seconds for a complete slicing using my old fashioned banana knife, as opposed to 24 seconds using the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (that breaks down to 4 seconds of slicing, 20 seconds of removing the banana slices from the apparatus). It’s been two months, and I have saved 28 minutes and 11 seconds! However, when I take into account the time spent releasing the slicer from the packaging (4 minutes), time spent working to recover the money spent (18 minutes), and time spent tracking how much time I’ve saved (124 minutes (2 minutes a day for 2 months)), the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer has actually cost me 117 minutes and 49 seconds... however, all the while I’ve had piles of fresh banana slices, completely worth it!
346. NOT ALL IS BLISS jimmarks
I really thought that this banana slicer would bring nirvana to my household. No more wasted time struggling over getting the proper sized slices. No more marital squalbles over who is going to do the laborious task of slicing he banana. THIS SINGLE TOOL was the answer.... and then it happened. Our bananas were not the proper shape to use this banana slicer. Panic. back to the store. We now use the banana slicer as a template to buy the proper bananas.. more work? yes. But isnt a perfect banana slice worth it?
347. BANANAS ARE A COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD FRUIT Kenny E. Friedman “stumbling monk”
I would have given zero stars if I could. Bananas are completely misunderstood and slicing them is incredibly cruel, unless you’re doing that little trick where you use a string and slice the banana while it’s still in the peel. That’s magic. Black scary magic but magic none the less. The real deal is you are all opening bananas the wrong way. Seriously google “right way to open a banana”. You’ll learn that the little knobby thing you think is the top is actually the bottom. How do we know this? Monkeys do it this way. And monkeys have been eating bananas long before we were. And you know what monkeys never do with bananas? Slice them. So learn how to enjoy bananas the correct way and you’ll never have to cruelly cut one up like it’s some sort of apple or something.
348. SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE 570!! Bluenose Boy
With the 571, the Hutzler banana slicer lab has finally struck fruit dissection paydirt! Not since the Hutzler 422 Banana Slicer, which introduced the revolutionary paradigm of slicing the banana from the outside, and only after it was peeled (and thankfully did away
with the hassle and mess of mixing tiny explosives) has a new Hutzler turned heads with appreciation for its smart, elegant new design! The color choice, brilliant in its simplicity (yellow for a banana slicer? but of course! What were they thinking previously using flesh color, which led to so many gruesome accidents?). The new curved body, which mimics the natural banana’s sensuous lines, makes the slicer tough to tear one’s eyes away from! We all remember the unfortunate Huztler 570, with its slippery, cumbersome and ultimately unnecessary gripping handles, not to mention the extraneous chin rest and weighty harness. The lab obviously went entirely back to the drawing board for the 571 and the result is a masterpiece. You’ll love this slicer. Your only problem you’ll have is eating all the bananas you’ll be cutting to shreds.
349. DISCRIMATORY... Don Keefhardt
A lateral banana slicer ? When a realistic ethnographic review of our nation would reveal a landscape populated with both “lateral” and “longitudinal” preferences ? Really ? Is this the best that Hutzler can do ? I can, from a distance, sense the poisonous climate in their manufacturing facilities, in the distribution chain, even in their boardroom. Shallow-minded, intellectually lazy profiteers focused on one segment of the banana slicer market, while turning a cold, blind eye to those who prefer “differently-sliced”. Bastards.
350. NSFW OR SCHOOL! The Taj
I was so excited about this product and actually bought three, one for each of my children and one for my wife (her previous kniferelated injuries might get her out of making my sandwiches, but it wouldn’t excuse her from making my morning sliced-bananatopped parfait!). I packed this “great” item along with my kids’ lunches, and was horrified to find that one had been expelled for being associated with the BSG (Banana Slicer Gang) and the other wound up in the hospital after an ACTUAL member of the BSG accosted her and stole her banana slicer! Had I known that this product signified membership in one of the most violent gangs in America’s history, I would have never order ONE banana slicer, let alone three of them... There should really be a warning within this product’s description! F-----!
351. CUT DADDY DOWN TO SIZE Paul Saks
I am a practicing psychoanalyst, and I am writing to sing the praises of the remarkable 571B Banana Slicer. In fact, I have integrated it into several difficult therapy cases and have had remarkable success. Though the formal study is still in press, its use is currently being endorsed by managed care companies as the only empirically validated treatment for several banana related psychiatric conditions. I would like to briefly discuss the case of a patient whom I will refer to here as “Mr. C.” A successful circus clown, C came to me with a
severe case of chronic bananaphobic disorder, with psychotic features; for those of you who think this is funny, let me assure you it is anything but. A clinically diagnosable condition mentioned in the DSM-IV TR, it is perhaps rivaled only by apotemnophobia (look it up) in the devastating effects it can have on individuals, couples and families. Imagine for example not being able to go into ice cream parlors or zoos; think about waking up in the middle of the night with horrible flashbacks of Magilla Gorilla or Carmen Miranda. May I also point out how this condition can potentially ruin the career of an otherwise successful circus clown, who will never be able to “slip” on one of the hilarious yellow peels. The 571 B is used in a technique Freud (1913) referred to as, “cutting daddy down to size.” The technique was later used by Klein (1936), Rank (1942) and Trump (2012). Freud cited several problems with the early Austrian version of the banana slicer he used. Firstly, the pieces were not always uniform; this of course was highly problematic for his obsessive compulsive patients, leading to near psychotic rage and horrible regressions. The wood frame and iron serrated blades of the “Schlong-Fraser Mach IV” were bulky and difficult to use and were potentially dangerous; the famous 1919 incident in which “Frau G” took a few inches off of the good doctor’s cigar is testament to this. The 571B has revolutionized the treatment of banana related disorders. Efficient and easy to use, it produces perfect uniform banana pieces and has produced results that defied my wildest expectations. While “cutting daddy down to size”, Mr. C. cathartically remembered a long repressed, traumatic memory of his mother
circumcising him at age 9 with a dull and rusty butter knife. This was of course a breakthrough in his treatment. And though Mr. C. murdered, necrophillically abused and dismembered his mother’s body shortly after this breakthough, I can proudly say that he is enjoying bananas in the high security state forensic psychiatric hospital on a daily basis...just like any other “normal” person! Kudos to you, 571 Banana Slicer, kudos to you!
352. CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!! Karrieal
This review is from: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (Kitchen) In the past I used to try slicing my banana with a knife one.slice. at.a.time, My GOODNESS it took forever, and the slices were uneven, talk about disappointment! I was just about to give up on ever eating another banana ever when I came across this little number. It was like I died and went to banana slicing heaven! It takes me seconds to slice my banana giving me back valuable time to do the things I really love like plastic canvasing tissue holders and knitting cat ponchos. Thank you banana slicer inventor and thank you Amazon for having such life saving, valuable products!
353. SETS THE STANDARD Clayton Daylin
So many of my friends have one of these that I just had to try it too! It’s amazing! I was a little concerned the first time I used it. The blades are not evenly spaced, so the slices are not precisely the same thickness.
The manual has a very reasonable explanation, however. The blades are spaced farther apart near the ends, so that the volume of the slices remains constant as the thickness of the banana varies along the length! Brilliant! Sure, it makes for a bumpy peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich; but it ensures fairness when dividing a banana among your children. Keep one thing in mind when buying bananas, though: bananas by nature come in many different sizes, and a few different shapes. Look for the sticker that says “Hutzler 571 Certified”.
354. AN EXTENSION FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING! carolyn “carolyn”
Some months ago, my kids swept through my home and removed all of my knives, power tools, and took the dials off my stove. If it wasn’t for the excellent Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, I’d have surrendered to their requests that I sell the house and move to a retirement home. Since my kids also took away my car keys, I’m also getting plenty of healthy exercise pushing my walker a couple of miles down the side of a busy highway to get to and from the grocery store where I mostly buy bananas and frozen dinners. So far, the kids are letting me keep the microwave. I cannot be alone in giving my thanks to Hutzler for facilitating the elderly in their desire for continued independent living!
354. NOT JUST FOR BANANAS! SQRIRRELS LOVE IT TOO! Lisa J. Szlosek “lisa”
While this device works fine for bananas I can attest that it has other important uses. My beloved pet squirrel, Squinkels, has developed an unfortunate weight problem. (By the way, do NOT bother with the Jagodowitz EZ rubberized weight loss pants for squirrels. They DO NOT work, plus they are a pain to clean.) He has had trouble climbing into his little nest, and, surprisingly, squirrel sized ladders are difficult to find. What a lifesaver! Now he can scamper (ok lumber) up to bed. Thanks Hultzler 571 Banana Slicer!!!!
355. THIS BANANA SLICER HELPED ME LOSE 176 POUNDS! By Me
I bought this banana slicer two years ago, back when I was obese. Before the banana slicer, my life was bleak, miserable, and meaningless. Every morning I would go get Mcdonald’s for breakfast because having whole grain zero sugar cereal with banana slices took too long. Then I bought this product and I swear everything changed instantly. You know what they say, “a sliced banana a day keeps the pounds away” and how true it is. Little did I know when I first bought it that when this particular product is used to slice bananas, it cuts the banana just so in a way that lets the banana release a special weight loss chemical that helps you drop as much as forty pounds in one month! I’m now a supermodel and am applying to become a Victoria’s Secret angel. I would urge everyone who wants to lose weight to buy this product!
356. THE NAME IS POTENTIALLY MISLEADING KMW “K”
Many others, I’m sure, have misread the name of this product as the “57LB Banana Slicer”. Of course, I had to have it! Only once I received it did I realize my mistake. When I told the company about the error and advised them to make a revision so the name would be clearer, they said there is no such thing as a 57lb banana.
357. THE HUTZLER DISCRIMINATION CONSPIRACY zpask
Buying one of these products thinking that the perfect slices will come about, well that is just not the case! The reviews about this product inspired me to purchase one of these Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer but was stunned when I took the item out of its packaging; the slicer only slice bananas that are curved to the right! How discriminating can Hutzler get?! Depending on the bunch of bananas you get at your local supermarket, you could come home and find out you bought a bunch of left-curved bananas! Banana companies have to start thinking of placing a sticker on the bunch signifying if the bananas curve right or left, a buyers beware, or you might shoot your cat out of your left-curved banana rage! Hutzler also should consider making a hybrid version of the 571, the 571 beta, which will able the perfect slicing of right and left-curved bananas. Hutzler, please end the discrimination and please consider ideas like the 571 beta. Please!!!!
358. AND WHAT ABOUT THE STRINGS? cer
There is a problem here. I read the reviews, and was impressed with the glowing ones, so I went ahead and bought one. Sadly after it arrived I realized that no one mentioned how this slicer handles the embarrassing problem of the banana strings. This is particularly important in a mixed marriage situation. My husband likes to eat the strings and I abhor them. The directions which would otherwise be quite helpful mention nothing about the strings. Keep in mind that if you leave the strings on and then use this device, you will no longer have strings, just shreds. That distressed my husband greatly, and he has threatened to “permanently dispose” of the slicer. Now I must find a new and unique location to hide the slicer every single day. Our marriage counselor has advised that my husband just pull the strings off and eat them whole before using the slicer, which sounds like good advice to me. He does not like that solution. Has anyone else dealt successfully with this problem?
359. SIZE DOES MATTER!!! obsessivecompluslive2cm
Before buying this product I used to carefully measure my bananas with a measuring tape, or a yard stick! I used to tactically slice every little piece to exactly 1.2 cm. The task was ever so tedious. I used to stand in my kitchen for hours making sure every slice of my fruit was absolutely perfect. If it wasn’t I would just throw it away and start a new one. Over the years I have had many mental breakdowns due to this obsession, but I refused help.
Then one day after being admitted into a crazy hospital after having a tantrum in the produce isle at the grocery store, I was informed about this banana slicer. So I purchased it. From that moment on, I knew I was going to be okay! The healing process is so much better with this slicer thank you so much for such a great invention!
360. QUESTION... Naomi Johnson
I’m just wondering, due to other reviews it seems that this product really helps get the monkey off your back during a typical morning routine. I find that right now I am easily angered and my day is ruined when one banana slice sticks to my knife and I am starting to make the next cut. Does this product cut down on that uneasily avoidable situation? I could see this making the situation up to 17 times worse with 17 different cutting mechanisms for banana slices to be stuck to. Maybe if this product doesn’t cut down on the occurrence of that situation, in fact maybe if this product even increases that horrid happening, then they could market a device which would go into each of these 17 holes and push the bananas out.
361. THE WHOLE STORY ON A INDISPENSIBLE ITEM Davilyn Eversz
I do a lot of dehydrating in my Excalibur. This product came with the dehydrator and on first look I thought it was a toy kind of kitchen tool that wouldn’t really work (and we all have had experience with the info-mercial).
At Costco I can buy ten pounds of bananas for under two dollars. I was too lazy to cut them up before I got the dehydrator and froze them whole. So my first dehydrating project was - yes! Bananas :} As mentioned, these will work best on bananas with a half yellow/ half green skin - IF - you want whole,intact slices. If the banana is a little riper than that you will get slices on the end and half slices in the middle - great for cooking or freezing. If the banana is too big - simply cut it in half. I’ve gotten smart now - when I shop for bananas other than at Costco I simply remember to get the smaller sized bananas. These are also great for smoothies. Some of the smoothie makers like Hamilton don’t do well unless incorporations are small. Use it on a riper banana and it will come out perfectly for smoothie machines. Having trouble cleaning it? I have a sprayer at my sink and as everyone knows - dried bananas could be used for mortar. Clean it immediately. If you don’t have a sprayer just simply soak it a bit in dishwashing liquid and water then use a strong spray of water (I’ve been known to use the garden hose outside). And lastly - enjoy it for what it is. Very few things are perfect in life and most need a little help from your end to make it an enjoyable
activity. They are called tools for a reason - tools are aids - not to take place of you actually working a bit. Have a good day everyone :}
362. THERE IS NO END TO THE POSSIBILITIES!!!! J. Milbrandt
To say this product is only for bananas is to say the only use for a wheel is on a unicycle. Prepare to have your mind BLOWN when you feed this bad boy an eclair, long john or canoli. It slices small eye roasts into perfect protions. Sausages and Brats become instant finger food ready for the toothpicks at your next fancy party. Cucumbers, eggplant and pickles? NO MATCH!!!! You can 1/3 size an entire bag of gummi worms with a single swipe to assure portion control as you manage your sweet tooth. Turn any carmel candybar into Rolos on a whim! It’s pretty much as colse as you can come to playing God with your food. If you don’t buy 11 of these the terrorists win
363. WAY MORE CONVENIENT NotoriousBJC
For years now, I have been forgoing my favorite snack. The banana, a wily fruit, has proven difficult to break down to size. I’ve tried it all. Hammers, firecrackers, and the claws of an angry polar bear have proven to be of little use in my quest for bite size fruit. After some time, I had finally settled with a circular saw on my kitchen counter, but the husband complained of the noise.
What is a girl to do? *ching sparkle sparkle* The Victorio 571B Banana Slicer came into my life at just the right time! Now I can have my fruit and eat it too. No more sawdust in my slices, just the sweet dreamy lusciousness of a perfectly ripe banana in a convenient morsel. Good thing too. My cat is scared of firecrackers.
364. THIS SUCKS! Giorgia Maxxx
Don’t buy this product. I work for a banana chip manufacturing company. We make those sweet and crispy banana chips that are mixed in your breakfast cereal or available as is as a snack. This product increased my productivity in slicing bananas a hundred fold. Because of that increase in productivity the company was able to cut labor cost down to 1%, decrease production days to 3 months a year and lay off 96% of the work force. Now I’m out of work 9 months a year and only earning a fourth of what I used to. This one sucks!
365. MY KIDS AREN’T EMBARRASSED OF ME! Noelle Garcia “Noelle G.”
For my son’s “World Fruit Day” at school last year, wouldn’t you know he signed up to bring sliced bananas. I tried my best, I really did, but the slices came out uneven and lopsided. I grew up in the wrong side if the tracks, there was nobody to show me how to slice bananas congruently. Later, my son confided that he was being
bullied with “yo mama” jokes. “Yo mama is so dumb, she slices bananas unevenly,” they would cruelly mock him. It got so bad, we considered moving to a different school. But then, all hope was restored when I found the 571! Just last week, my son was elected class president after he brought the class perfectly sliced bananas. He’s no longer embarrassed to be seen with me. Thanks to the Hutzler 571, my kids can participate in World Fruit Day and I can feel comfortable with bananas again!
366. NEVER GOT TO USE IT BananaBill
Imagine my chagrin upon realizing this was a BANANA slicer. I awoke each morning hoping to use my new device, only to see the packaging I thought said it was a MAÑANA slicer, and I’d have to wait. Needless to say, mañana never got here. I didn’t really need a banana slicer.
367. A THOUSAND AND ONE USES! Brion L. Boyles “Zardoz”
1)Strains terrible tasting “orange” fruit from Jell-O 2)Can be use as missile when thrown at cat clawing good furniture 3)Good emergency soap-bubble toy for forgotten 4-yr-old’s birthday gift 4)Screens cat poop from litter 5)Leaves interesting pattern when whacked against wife’s butt 6)Can be used as missile when cat begins hacking hairballs on good rug 7)Can be played as musical instrument when clinched in held in
teeth and plucked 8)Makes lips look funny when pressed against face 9)Can be used as missile when cat climbs on kitchen counter 10)Scrapes mud from boots 11)Scrapes cat poop from bedroom slippers 12)Makes excellent miniature bicycle rack 13)Can be used as attractive “cookie-caddy” 14)Removes cat poop from longhaired cat tail 15)Trivet for banana-shaped pots 16)Removes clots from wifes mashed potatoes 17)Can be used as missile when cat looks at you with “THAT look” 18)Can be traded as wampum 19)Retrieves human poop from swimming pool 20)Reduces hotdog to mush, but WILL NOT WORK ON CAT!
368. WARNING: CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BIG BANANAS! charlesn
Size matters with a product like this, and while small to averagesized bananas slide easily into the 571 Banana Slicer, be warned that forcing big bananas into it appears to strain the tight confines of this device to the breaking point. I contacted the manufacturer who advised that bananas are at their largest when freshly peeled (I did not know this), and suggested that I allow big ones to “rest” a bit before trying to insert them. This helped somewhat, but big bananas were still clearly too much of a strain. Well, just as I was about to print my “return authorization” form
for the 571 Slicer, I stumbled upon a solution right here on Amazon! If you simply lubricate your big bananas with Banana Premium Grade Oil they’ll fit into your 571 slicer like a glove! Honestly, I don’t know why Amazon doesn’t offer these products as a package deal, since they were clearly intended to work together! I hope you found this review helpful in making your buying decision!
369. HIDDEN COSTS Mike Kiser
I downloaded the PDF instruction manual, and my wife insisted we print it. Two reams in I bailed. As a senior citizen, I don’t have a P pad or laptop, so I have to keep running back and forth from the kitchen to the office to read the instructions.
370. NOT BAD Lorraine “Lorraine”
Usually I use Apple iSlicers but I thought I’d try this out for special salad situations. The price was right. It worked fine on my regular bananas but I had to push extra hard on plantains. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong, and once again I have to say, nothing matches Apple’s tech support. I called Banana-doze support and got a recording that said I was calling outside of business hours (2pm EST??) and should send an email to Banana central. Not the kind of support I’m accustomed to with Apple. I guess if I stick to regular bananas it will be ok. It’s a little time consuming to wash; probably it makes more sense to wait until you have at
least 14 bananas to slice in one sitting, otherwise it would take less time to slice the bananas with a knife and just wash the knife. Admittedly you’ll probably have misshapen slices but with care and a proper knife you should do well enough. I mean not for formal parties, just regular home use slicing. I had to edit my review because I have had a revelation. At first I was washing between the grooves with this straw washer I got on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000QD5GAA but it was time-consuming plus the handle is very long because it’s designed for straws. I started thinking of those combo brushes they make for venetian blinds, but they are too widely spaced for this banana device, even the ones for micro-shades. And then it hit me - pedicure toe spacers! If you squeeze the foam part in between the slots, swish-swish you’re done in no time at all! http://www.amazon.com/Toe-Separator-Pedicure-Pack-Salon/ dp/B003AXZ0S6 I bought an extra set and I’ve snipped out the extra curve on the foam so they insert faster. Too bad they don’t make these for the people with six toes. I really think they SHOULD be made for six toes, it is a dominant trait after all. Then if you only have five toes, you can cut off the extra link if you’re really using it to dry toes, or just leave it on to hold the polish applicator or a cigarette if the phone rings while you’re painting your toenails. In all fairness, I
think these toe separators should be designed for six-toed people. And then if you use it to wash your 571, that’s one less pass with the washer.
371. I AM HEALED! SJ
This product is so great! I no longer need medication for depression because of not being able to evenly slice a banana! It has changed my life forever. I AM HEALED!
372. DAMN YOU VICTORIO! SCOTT
Some years back I was sitting around the house playing with my egg slicer on some leftover cream cheese when the thought occurred to me that I really should try it on a banana. Though however I might try, the banana just would not fit under the egg sized slicer and I had to be content with just slicing smaller items that I could either fit underneath or squish in my fingers to approximately the size of an egg. Had I only been an entrepreneurial sort at that time I might have considered making such a device only a little more elongated and bent - voila, the 571B! I wish I could say that they stole my genius, but you can hardly expect genius from some guy who spends his leisure time finding things that fit into an egg slicer. I can’t wait to try this thing out on a rotten cucumber or some of the 4 day old hot dogs left in the fridge!!!
373. THE WAY OF THE FUTURE! BananaKing
Having just discovered this product today, I was marveled by it’s innovation! I’ve been eating all my bananas the old fashioned way: by peeling it and sticking it in my face like a heathen. Now all of my friends stand in awe when I whip out my stylish banana slicer from my back pocket (where I always keep it for emergency banana sightings) and slice up my banana like a pro. I can see everyone staring at me with amazement when I perfectly slice the banana in public. Now I can make fun of everyone for having to bite into their bananas. This banana slicer is the way of the future! The one bad thing I have to say about the banana slicer is it takes some effort to get used to. Precision in banana placement and just the right amount of force has to be applied in order to use this product to its maximum potential.
374. HILARIOUS REVIEWS! Jackie
I have to say the reviews for this slicer are HYSTERICAL! It made me buy one! I never would have thought a banana slicer would be so entertaining!
375. MORE POWER! Julia Vaughn Black
The Victorio 571B Banana Slicer is a great idea but I’m waiting for the electric version with surgical steel 10,000 RPM rotating blades to come out. Use anything less than 10,000 RPMs and banana pudding.
376. GREAT, BUT THERE’S MORE JCQueipo
It can also be used for Hots Dogs and Zuchini, I’m sure the government knew about this technology years ago, I wonder what other advances are they hiding from us.
377. DO NOT USE ON STRAWBERRIES! Jaybird
For the love of God please do not use this product on strawberries! There should have been a warning label. Why wasn’t there a warning? Please heed this message and tell all of you family and friends. Oh God! So much blood... feeling dizzy...
378. LIFE SAVER Starving Artist
After a horrific plane crash, I and 12 companions were stranded on a tropical island with no method to slice any of the bananas that grew on the various trees that littered the island. With no way to communicate to the outside world we were shocked to find that the company that makes these fine banana slicers delivered their product to the unknown islands in the Caribbean. In the three weeks before we had given up on trying to consume the banana’s due to a lack of an efficient slicing means and had resorted to only use the overpopulation of the fruit as a means to pry open the coconuts. I must say with out this product we wouldn’t be alive today, I owe everything I have to the 571 banana slicer.
379. CLASSIC WWII TECHNOLOGY Jack R. Tallent
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer has changed little since it was first developed by the Germans near the end of the Second World War. While the Bananenschneidmaschine H571 came too late in the war effort, and was produced in too few numbers to turn Allied momentum, the technology was nonetheless decades ahead of its time. Today’s civilian-use H571 is actually somewhat improved over the original, which was milled from solid magnesium and therefore not dishwasher safe.
380. EVERY DAY IM HUTZLIN’ bananakarenina
as a mother to five, every single second saved is priceless. now i can whip through the bunches of bananas these savages hoover on the daily and have that much needed ‘me’ time i’ve heard about from the other moms. in fact, had it not been for the hutzler 571, i might have done something dangerous or reckless. what’s even better is that it’s really true what the product description says. kids really DO like to slice their own bananas...though they also like to pick their noses and eat it...so like, what the heck do they know?
381. SMASHING William Tomlinson III
I chose the title for the review as “smashing” because before this product that was the only way I knew how to get the banana into smaller pieces. I’ve used a hammer, a block of wood and once I even used an anvil (set up Wile E. Coyote style of course)to drop
unto the unsuspecting yellow fruit. In some cases it would just squish the banana and I would have to start all over. However thanks to the voices in my head telling me about this wonderful product, I can now easily slice this ill tempered yellow demon in no time saving me from the monkeys that try to assassinate me in my sleep by allowing me to put perfectly sliced fruity discs all around my bed to appease them. Thank you Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer you are a God send.
382. GUYS: DON’T USE IT WHILE NAKED, OMG!!! Problem Child
But it is SO much better than the 570... I was wondering what was taking so long with development for the new model, thinking maybe it was problems with cash for R&D or something, but when this came I could see it was worth the wait. The *slicer* just keeps getting better and better. Thanks Hutzler - you really do listen! btw, I’ve got my ear to the ground for any word on the prototype for the fabled 572. Also, it would be GREAT to see something like this for toast because I’ve got the banana all nice n sliced and then I’m always just stuck with this hot, buttered yummy-looking toast that I can never do anything with.
383. HISTORY IS NOW DIVIDED IN 2 CATEGORIES: BEFORE AND AFTER 571 BANANA SLICER Craig C
I am at a loss when thinking of a phenomenon that has had a larger impact on human existence. I think we must all agree that history can now be divided into 2 categories. The first, the dark ages in which we actually had to manually cut each individual slice of a banana. The second, after the creation of the 571 Banana slicer, who’s coming has made the arrival of Jesus’ look merely like an average herpes sore creeping up. Shame upon the Steve Jobs, Henry Fords, Benjamin Franklins, and Thomas Edisons of the world for not having figure this out earlier.
384. DIDN’T WORK FOR ME Bob Patin
Just when I thought the age-old problem of how to slice a banana-will I make the slices too thin or too thick, will I have to wash the knife afterwards, will I cut my finger off--this product appears on the market. I ordered fifty of them for my brothers and sisters, immediately mailed them out, only to have some sent back because you can’t ship sharp objects into prisons. Then I tried mine... Oh SURE, it works on a banana, but it didn’t work worth a cr*p on my aluminum tent pole; I was going to use the pieces as forms
for cookies for Christmas, but I guess THAT plan is shot. Thanks a lot, banana slicer... It didn’t work on a frozen kielbasa either. In fact, the only thing it DID work for was a banana. Go figure. OK, I said, I’ll stick to bananas... then I found out the 2nd awful truth: only ONE banana at a time? Are you kidding me? I was going to make my annual Christmas gallons of banana pudding, and I need to slice 200 bananas. Thanks a lot, banana slicer. You let me down.
385. A MULTITUDE OF USES a b brooks
Due to the speed of this device I needed to adapt it for use for the other 23.95 hours of the day. The Hutzler Banana Slicer makes an ideal rack for all those CDs you have lying about. Banana goo can be safely and easily removed from CDs with warm soapy water and a little elbow grease.
386. LIFE ALTERING copyofacopy2
The 571B Banana Slicer saved my marriage. We conceived our first child after using this product for the first time. I named her Victorio. Needless to say I bought 6 more. Two words... mind blowing.
387. MY ONLINE DATING LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER! A. JACK
I’ve had my online profile up on no less than 5 or 6 different dating websites throughout the years and sadly to no avail. No hits, no messages, no replies. I was starting to wonder if I was a lost cause. After reading all these reviews and seeing how this banana slicer has changed lives I decided to give my online dating one more try! I used my banana slicer to slice bananas like a pro, arranged them on a plate, took a picture of my perfectly sliced bananas and uploaded it as my profile picture. These days I get over 100 hits per day and have already had several marriage proposals from men who state that all they’ve ever wanted was a women who knows how to slice a banana perfectly! Who knew that was the missing link?! Thanks Victorio for changing my life!
388. ONE OF US IS HAPPY F.Fetched
After reading some reviews I became convinced that the 571B Banana Slicer might be just what I needed to turn my life around. After weeks of staying up all night slicing bananas and waiting for inspiration to hit, I did indeed come up with a brilliant marketing plan that would help pay for all the bananas, and more!! However due to sleep deprivation I mixed up my calculations and now have twenty seven 571B Banana Slicers and only one monkey. This has really mucked me up and I can’t even recall my original idea so I guess it’s back to the drawing board Later:
I just remembered!! It’s the development of a lightweight, folding Banana Polarity Meter you can easily carry with you everywhere to make sure, before purchasing bananas, that they are angled in the right direction and so will properly fit the 571B Banana Slicer! So many bananas get wasted (unless you have a monkey) because they lean the other way, and other banana polarity meters are so large and heavy, virtually nobody uses them anymore. I’m going into production soon, so if anyone wants a piece of this action, let me know! Much Later: NEVER MIND, INVESTORS! Word spreads fast, and in no time I had a crowd of monkeys clamoring for work! Twenty seven 571B Banana Slicers wouldn’t begin to cover it, and now I’ve got a seriously creepy gothic-type mad at me, writing smoke messages like “SURRENDER” above my house! On top of everything else the monkeys are organizing and making crazy demands including getting various relatives sprung from zoos, pink glitter Banana Slicers “For Her”, and dental. I’ve had it! There’s got to be an easier way to break into retail
389. EXCELLLENT, BECAUSE I NEVERTina Rowley
I adore this banana slicer. I got it because my schedule is so packed that I never have time to[checks watch] Gotta go!
390. I BOUGHT 3 BananaFreak
I’m a mechanic and I didn’t always get time to have a healthy snack like a banana because of how long it took to slice it. Instead I was forced to eat candies and chips out of the vending machine. I purchased the 571 slicer and kept it in my tool box. Boy, once I got this little puppy my life changed. I lost 30 pounds, and I found my mood improved. Because of my new look and attitude I received 3 raises over the last year. I was impressed at how much it changed my work life, I decided to get one for the car and one for the home. Since buying 2 more I haven’t hit my wife and kids even once and I don’t get road rage anymore. Thanks Hutzler for inventing this life changing tool.
391. MULTI-TALENTED SLICER Harry Houck
Everyone here has said what I wanted to say except... This slicer can do MUCH more than make coin sized slices of banana. I can stand four bananas on end and slice them all at one time, making HUGE banana shaped slices that you can drape over a banana creme pie or a banana upside down cake or create a lattice of banana on a bowl of Cherrios. The possibilities are endless. Did I mention diagonal slicing? No boring round slices, you can have elliptical bananas, just like Donovan sang about decades ago.
392. WARNING! J. Goebel
Let’s just say I got some funny looks in the emergency room after using this in a non-recommended manner, and leave it at that.
393. ****WARNING*** DO NOT USE AS A SEXUAL AID The Cleveland Kid
lines are now imprinted on my penis for life. The paramedics said they were filming me only for medical studies, but it wound up on youtube!
394. PROOF JESUS DIED IN VAIN Rick Thorne
I had a happy home until I got this banana slicer. We were just fine - just fine - until this twisted nightmare came into our lives and revealed them for the hollow shams they were. We liked bananas too. Now, I can’t imagine looking at a banana again - EVER again. My wife and I approached the sliced banana continuum from different perspectives. She used a knife and cut her slices with moderate precision. I used to gently rip pieces off and place them on my cereal or bread. Then we got the Hutzler and the world changed. We toyed with whether or not we could afford it. After all, at $3 a pop, things would be tight for a while. But we got the Hutzler and oh, how we loved it - at first. Those uniform slices were beautiful and alluring. I started eating bananas with everything. I had cereal every day, peanut butter and banana sandwiches at lunch, and ice
cream with sliced bananas for dessert. It was bliss, in an already beautiful marriage. Then the nightmare began in earnest. Those first few months of perfect banana slicing were blissful - so much so we couldn’t imagine eating bananas NOT cut with the Hutzler. When we ate breakfast out, or had a banana split, we argued with the restaurant staff and have now been barred from eating in some of our favorite places. As we sneeringly rejected bananas served at parties, our banana-loving circle of friends diminished and we found ourselves isolated in inaccurate sliced banana rejection hell. Finally, we each needed to have our own Hutzler, and the subsequent $3 investment and the fighting over who got the new one ruined our lives. We are in counselling, but I have little hope our marriage will survive. For the love of all that is good and holy in humanity, do not purchase this bent evil. It will seduce you and destroy all you hold dear.
395. BANANA SLICER Was_A_GUY
THANKS BANANA SLICER!! I was a guy till I droped that dam slicer on my lap after taking a shower, Owwwwwwwwwwwwww . Now because of the banana slicer, I have to get breast implants and change my name to Linda. Well, at least the product works!!!
396. THIS PRODUCT REALLY HELPS THOSE WHO MAY BE A LITTLE LOWER . . . . . Jennifer L. Lutz “Jen”
After years of searching, this product came in just the nick of time. You see, only a small portion of my family has evolved to the point of being able to use their opposable thumb. I have climbed the evolutionary ladder and could easily navigate the intricacies of a knife. Grandpa on the other hand . . . . . . . Suffice it to say, there has been an ever growing rift within the family. Within moments of putting this in G’Pa’s paw, it was as if a small spark of humanity that had been dwelling in his soul, suddenly flared up into a roaring fire. His IQ instantly climbed 40 points and he no longer throws feces at dinner guests. Along with the new found etiquette, his posture and demeanor have been improving every day. He doesn’t even bare his teeth to the mailman anymore. If it weren’t for this simple device, I am afraid that our family would have been relegated to the history books. Grandpa has been able to eat his beloved bananas without the constant supervision of a knife wielding hominid. Our next task is to find a small bamboo twig so he can more easily eat termites lodged deeply into their dirt home. Our search has been thorough but unfortunately fruitless. We searched your online store for such a product without success. I guess lightning never strikes twice!!!
397. SAVED MY CHRISTMAS!!! Cindy
So this Christmas, I was planning on buying iPhones for my kids. I had it all planned out financially, and in fact, it was the day before I was planning on going to the nearest Best Buy to purchase said iPhones. But everything changed when I discovered the 571B banana slicer. What could be a better gift? My kids always fight over who has to slice the daily bananas. None of them could ever get it right, and I can just not stand eating uneven banana slices. It completely ruins the banana eating experience. But this product changes everything. I can now enjoy my bananas without the anxiety of possibly having imperfect banana slices. And now we have a 571B for each member of the family. What’s an iPhone compared to such a marvelous product as this? Thank you 571B banana slicer for saving our Christmas.
398. STEVE JOB’S COULDN’T EVEN THINK OF THIS... Vinnie Vegas
This past week, a man fell 24 miles on the edge of space back to earth in what people are praising as amazing. Well, my jaw literally dropped 24 miles to the earth’s core when the Banana slicer was introduced into my life. I actually named my first born Hutzler after the genius, or in my book, God, that invented this product. I love the product so much, I am currently getting Carmen Miranda
(Chiquita Banana girl logo) across my whole back!!
399. BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Nanner Puss
I could only give this 4 stars rendering knives obsolete and therefore upping the percentile of child labor laws that are being broken. The incidence of child labor in the world decreased from 25% to 10% between 1960 and 2003, according to the World Bank. However, it’s on the rise again now that we no longer need to slice our own bananas with knives it’s being left up to babies, latchkey kids and orphans. We no longer need to listen to all those mommy blogs that say “Pointy sharp objects and babies don’t play nice together.” Banana Slicer has solved the problem...or have they? Frankly I am also waiting for PETA to jump on this as the revolution of this banana slicer has made it so simple that even cats without opposable thumbs are now in on the action!
400. CAREER CHANGING DEVICE Tired and Cranky
Dear Victorio, I was planning on taking a train trip, and we all know how difficult it is to slice perfect banana slices on a moving train. So I took your 571B Banana Slicer along to make it easier for the kitchen staff, since I’m rather, um, demanding as to the length and girth of my banana slices. The problem is, the kitchen staff got a little carried away with the slicing, and had no place to store the extra banana slices, so I graciously stored them in one of my socks.
Around midnight, I was feeling rather peckish. Then I had an epiphany. I tossed a few strawberries and some yogurt into the sock, squished it all up, and *voila* I had an instant Sock Smoothie. I immediately sucked that yummy delight right out of one of the sock’s toe holes. And when I was finished, I put the sock on my foot to experience its soothing moisturizing properties. I highly recommend always making TWO Sock Smoothies, one for each foot. Thanks to you, Victorio, and your 571B Banana Slicer, I’ve changed careers and am now a foot model for politicians who make verbal political gaffes.
401. ROCKAFIRE EXPLOSION!!! Fats Geronimo
I sit at the front of Showbiz Pizza playing my organ all day for unappreciative children. I try to introduce them to the finer things in life; soft, beautifully composed music by Chopin, Ludwig Van, and so on. They mock me, try to punch me to impress their friends, and treat me overall with a profound amount of disrespect. Alas, the only songs they care about are the Chicken Dance, and the Hokey Pokey. When I return home at the end of the day, the only thing that brings me comfort is my banana slicer.
402. BANANAFESSIONAL APPROVED Wow!
WARNING! Do not listen to the people who complain because their bananas do not fit the curve. Quite frankly, I don’t see why anyone would buy bananas that didn’t fit this amazing device. It is scientifically proven by a large group of bananafessionals that humans receive 99% of their banana enjoyment from eating a banana that is at this exact curvature. While I’m not a bananafessional, I do know one. He tells me this is the best invention mankind has ever seen... ever.
403. BANANA JAIL Sheila Fisher
I am just happy that justice has finally been served, and the rein of terror has ended. At last, this “fruit” (if you can call it that), has been apprehended and put in banana prison.
404. MINE MUST BE BROKEN amanda Peterson
At first upon recieving this product I thought sweet that’ll speed up the grueling task of lifting a butter knife over and over just to produce the appropriate sized slice sizes that my family of Slot Mouth Toucans can eat. Before it was very time consuming measuring each slice accurately to fit in their little unfortunate mouths. I mean really, it was like feeding an iquana to an ant eater. However to my dismay the product does work on gasless bananas as they are green and it is obviously color coded for the yellow
variety of “everyman banana.” The company needs to venture out into plantains as well. It is absolute banana varietism. Thus I can only score it a single star. Reach out you thinkers of kitchy kitchen cutlery, reach out. I will return to my cutting board...as maybe you should. But a Slot Mouthed Toucan enthusiast can dream.
405. SAFETY GOGGLES REQUIRED? John InAcworth
This is definitely a nifty tool! My concern is for shrapnel and disassociated vegetable matter being quickly tossed into the air. Do I need a special set of safety goggles with the Hutzler 571 or can I just use the same ones I use when grinding and welding on steel in the shop?
406. CONCEAL CARRY BANANA gocubs
This piece is an amazing step forward in personal protection. It easily slips in any pocket for easy access in the event a rogue bunch of bananas attacks you or your family. Sure if you pulled out a 569 or a 570 model you run the chance of being overtaken by these rotten bananas but once you whip out the sleek 571 it’s game over for the bad guys. The NRA needs to endorse this as a must-have for all Americans.
407. CHEESE SLICER? GrapeApe
What can I say? After having a semi-charmed life for a little over a quarter century, I struck gold with this beauty of a product. I eat bananas by the barrel. Cutting them with my cheese slicer had grown tiring and mundane. My life felt incomplete. Plus, who wants left over moldy cheese on their bananas? I have bought stock in this company after reading so many great reviews. I feel like a new person.
408. MUSH MAKER siberwolf
I, for one, am highly disappointed in this product. After years of waiting and wondering what kind of deliciousness lie beneath that seemingly impenetrable exterior came a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black existence - Banana Slicer. After seeing the 571B on Amazon I nearly broke down crying I was so excited. I purchased immediately and anticipated it’s arrival for what seemed like months. Unable to restrain myself, I went to the grocery store to purchase bushel after bushel of the yellow ambrosia finally having the confidence I would be able to uncover the glory residing within. The tracking label slated its arrival on the morning I had a big meeting with a potential client. I called into work sick. This unveiling could wait no longer. I sat in the garage all morning and met the Fed Ex driver at his truck to sign for the box. I felt just like Ralph from A Christmas Story opening the box containing his long awaited BB Rifle. I already had the banana lying in wait on the cutting board. I removed the twist tie backing to the pack-
age and removed the 571B holding it in my shaky anxious hand as if I was Arthur wielding Excalibur. I carefully placed it atop the banana and pushed down as directed. SQUISH! Convinced I must have had a bad banana the first time I grabbed one off a different bushel, placed it on the board, again applied pressure to the Banana Slicer. SQUISH! What the hell! Nanner after nanner after nanner all same result. After reading so many reviews I was hopeful that a solution finally existed but based on the $20 price tag I should have known better. The cheap plastic material the 571B is constructed of is simply no match for the coconut-like exterior shell surrounding this mysterious fruit. I suppose this is one fruit whose secrets are only to be known by the monkeys and great apes holding the keys to unlocking them. The near tears of excitement have been replaced with real tears of frustration and regret. I’m now unemployed and have only dozens of mush filled yellow socks as my solace. I WILL get you for this Hutzler.
409. INREASE IN MY SELF-ESTEEM! chelle1618
Every morning, before my husband went to work, I would slice him a banana. He would always shout, “Dear God Mary! I can’t fit this big slice into my mouth! What on earth were you thinking!?” He’s very particular, and says he needs each slice to be precisely 3 1/4 cinemeters in width. Thanks to the 571 Banana Slicer, he is thankful for the morning gift of the sliced banana. Behold, the selfesteem builder five thousand!
410. AWESOME Carlo
Put a piece wax paper against this thing and hum into it, and this makes one awesome kazoo. You have saved my novelty pop band.
411. CAME TO ME IN A DREAM Kvntwvlf
I’m 21 years old, and have been a chronic insomniac my whole life. At most, and with heavy amounts of medication, I can maybe clock in an hour or two of sleep a night. I have never had a dream in my whole life, at least not one long enough I can remember. My doctor started recommending upping the amount of potassium in my diet, as a new-found study in his department had just finished clinical trails that proved it may help the brain’s natural waves, thus helping me get more sleep. The first night I ate one, maybe two bananas tops. Low and behold I fell asleep right away, no medication needed, and had a pleasant 4 hours of sleep...but no dream. That’s where it got intense. I couldn’t get over how awesome it was to finally get a night’s sleep. I lost my mind. My newfound discovery of sleep and my longing for dreams led me to buying over 450 bananas altogether, completely wipeing out every grocery store for miles. I got home, tucked into my pj’s and hit the kitchen to get to town. After the third banana, my fingers burnt with a bright red glow, and had swelled up to the size of vienna sausages. I couldn’t peel a single banana after that, and after some wikipedia reasearch, saw you shouldn’t peel or slice more than a couple bananas a day with your bare hands.
I lost my s***. I slammed my head on the table, screamed in a manic rage, started eating bananas whole; peel and all. I must have demolished about a dozen or so, when I passed out, and for the first time in my life, had a dream. I was sitting on rainbow in space, and the rainbow was curved over a giant banana shaped planet. Mayan gods walked up to me, holding what I now know is the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. The dream ended with me dropping the Hutzler into space, and it expanding into it’s own full fledged planet, which sucked me in and turned out to be earth. When I awoke, I signed on Amazon immediately to order one for $9.99 (How it’s gotten to around 2.50 is an amazing deal) and ever since I have slept like a baby. Thank you Hutzler for curing me of 21 years of insomniacity.
412. AID STATION MIRACLE Dman
I used to be the laughing stock of the marathon aid station community - I just never knew why. I was always so prepared for each running event. I would travel the country side and hand-select the best bananas I could find. Always curved to the right, as to try and serve left handed bananas would be an insult to the runners - they deserve better. I would then layout a spread of bananas worthy of a king for every race.
However despite my best efforts I could never figure out why people would ignore my stations. Runners have traveled miles in search of a good banana - and here I was ready to serve, yet no one would stop. They would just look at me and laugh. I could never figure it out... I had hand selected the best bananas in town, and I had “cut” them delicately into even chucks. Anyone should be so lucky to have these banana chunks during a race. Well after years of races where my aid stations stood neglected the only station to look the same from start to finish of the race. I decided to make a change. I decided to dress up in a banana suit (curved to the right of course) and I would tackle the runners as they went by. Now I wasn’t trying to ruin their day - I was trying to help them. And what better way to encourage them to eat my bananas than to jump on them and force feed them. Well this method worked a few times - though I was starting to receive complaints. The race directors told me, that I could no longer jump on runners, and I certainly could not force feed them cut up bananas, and they also suggested that I stop wearing my banana suit. Not that they were offended by the right curve, but more because they found it inhumane to bring life to a banana, and then expect someone to eat one. I could relate to this, as I never eat green giant products, since I inevitably imaging I’m eating Sprout’s family. So I again was at a loss, and returned to my original ways. I laid out the bananas as usual, and prepared for another race of neglect.
I just assumed this was my fate - I had to accept that people didn’t like bananas during races. Well one day I had a dream - and not one of those creepy dreams where you are eaten alive by a large Left curved banana (we all hate those). But it was more like an “I have a dream...” kind of dream. I saw myself standing at an aid station, and runners of all likes were waiting in line to eat my bananas. It was remarkable. The race clock was running, yet people stood waiting for my bananas. I was ecstatic - my bananas were being eaten during a race! I struggled to stay with the dream, as I never wanted this moment to end. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Though one image stood in my mind from the dream; the bananas were not chopped - they were SLICED! Genius! The next race I went to I was determined to no longer be the laughing stock of the aid stations. So I sliced my bananas. Well... next thing I knew my aid station was filled with anxious banana hungry runners all begging for a sliced banana. I was having trouble keeping up with the demand. I was slicing right curved bananas as fast as I could, but the precision with the knife was just too demanding. My runners began to give up on me. They said... we love the new sliced bananas but we can’t afford to wait for you to slice them. I thought this is my purgatory! I have all the success I want, but I can’t enjoy it. I’m ruining the race... my aid station was becoming a fade station. I just simply could not have this. There had to be a better way.
This is when I discovered the 571B Banana Slicer. Well since that day - I’m proud to say that I have the best banana aid station in town. I’ve even donned the nick name - 571. I just can’t thank you enough Hutzler for taking me from zero to hero in the banana eating marathon community. Runners now go by and say - “hey 571, thanks for the SLICE!” And I call back ... don’t thank me - thank the 571B Banana Slicer!!!!
413. WISH THE BATTERIES WERE REPLACEABLE Shyaporn
While this is definitely a must-have item when slicing bananas in a home environment with a ready power source available, Hutzler really needs to reconsider eliminating the swappable batteries from the new unibody 571’s. I do a LOT of work in the field and am not always able to charge my Hutzler between slicings. And even though I purchased a third-party portable charger, it’s unreasonable to expect an entire crew to wait for the slicer to charge. Am I expected to carry TWO 571’s out on jobs? That’s ridiculous. True, the battery life on the 571’s is more than double the previous model’s, but the ability to swap out power cells is a MUST for mobile slicers. Oh, and the power adapter is still crap! Fix it!
414. NOT AS GOOD AS THE 570 Haiku Guy
I have owned a Hutzler 570 Banana Slicer and was very happy with it’s performance. It is similar to the 571, but is made of a white metal. Over time, however, my old 570 got tarnished and a couple of the blades bent, leading to inconsistent slice thickness and, from time to time, a black residue on the slices if it had not been cleaned in some time. I saw the new Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, with all plastic construction, and I thought my bent blade and tarnish problems were solved. I immediately ordered the replacement, sprung for express delivery, and threw my rusty old 570 into the garbage. However, when my new slicer arrived, I found that it was nowhere near as sturdy as the old one. Bananas had to be peeled before they could be sliced, because the new blades could not penetrate the tough skin. And I am concerned that other tools in my utility drawer might actually cut through a flimsy slicing blades, rendering the entire tool hopelessly lopsided and useless, so I have had to dedicate an entire drawer in my kitchen to store this one tool, which seems wasteful. And dishwasher safe??? Puhleez! Now I am cruising on eBay to find an old Hutzler 570 Banana Slicer in decent condition to replace the one I so heedlessly discarded. However, they are rare. Happy Hutzler 570 Banana Slicer owners are not likely to make the same mistake I did, and I am reduced to haunting estate sales and forclosure auctions. Now I have my eye on a vintage Hutzler 569 Banana Slicer, which is similar to the
570, only made out of cast iron. It is a bit more trouble, because the blades have to be seasoned properly before it can be used, and the slicer must always be washed by hand and can never be put in the dishwasher. But it is just like the one I remember using when I was a kid, and I know that it will last forever. I am coming around to the idea that solidly constructed tools that last a lifetime are superior to the throwaway plastic banana slicers we see in our modern disposable society. If you can get ahold of one of the old cast-iron 569s, buy it! You won’t be sorry!
415. GINZU QUAKING Alicia
I work at Ginzu Knife Corp. and as a insider, I can tell you that we have a cross-functional strategy team solely focused on how to compete with this marvel of technology. There is daily fear that this will quickly put the company out of business as the Ginzu becomes obsolete. (Hutzler are you hiring?) As a side note, I am personally waiting on the Hutzler 571m Banana Slicer Mini to come out because I prefer Chiquita minis myself. The Consumer Reports, Mashable, and Tech Crunch write ups give 5 stars and says it’s lighter weight than the regular model, making it perfect to slip into any woman’s handbag or any man’s sports coat.
416. ORIGINAL MODEL DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE ON - BUT THEY DID! P James
I’ve had the older Hutzler 467.5(b) rev. 000a933 for several years now and can’t live without it. I thought there could be no room for
improvement until I saw the new Hutzler 571!!! My older model will be going up on eBay (can I say that here?) and when sold, I’ll be ordering the new 571. Way to GO, Hutzler!
417. PROBLEM SOLVED! K. Elizabeth
I’m a business woman. When I conduct fancy meetings in my office, I love to offer potential clients a freshly sliced banana. But using business cards to slice and serve the bananas was humiliating! No one took me or my serious business seriously. But thanks to the Hutzler 571 I look like a banana professional! I have thousands of clients and people keep coming back for more! Thanks Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer!
418. OUR NEXT GREAT LEAP FORWARD johnpatrick4
Years from now, historians will divide the early part of the 21st century into two eras: The barbaric Pre-Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer period, and The New Enlightenment.
419. BOOM! George
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is great! The Hutzler company will run all those other Banana Slicer companies out of business, just you wait
420. WORLD-CHANGING BANANA SLICER Patricia Leonard
I’ve been working in the banana business for almost 10 years now, and this tool is truly life-changing. In our banana processing plant, it takes us almost a minute to cut a banana with traditional knives. After the Hutzler 571 banana slicer came out, it takes just seconds to slice them. We can fulfill our orders for banana slices 75% faster than before. This enabled me to reduce my workforce by 50% - which got me a promotion (and a new car - yellow of course!). This gadget is so amazing that it will solve world hunger, and soon world peace. Mark my words. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
421. ONLY IN YELLOW? Egon
Please let me know if in the near future you will also offer the slicer in blue. For now I will definitely not buy this product as yellow does not go well with my kitchen. I’m sure that once you offer this product in different colours, Hutzler will secure their position as world leader in the banana slicing industry. But I urge you to rush as the chinese are not sitting still and may well be working on a pink prototype as we speak!
422. CONFLICTED M. Shortt
Being a cutter ( according to “the Doctor”) , a bad habit of eating naked and being aroused by freshly picked friut...I found myself deeply conflicted by this product.
423. WORTH THE WAIT M. D. Marler
Based on all the positive reviews, I ordered one for my own kitchen. I was frustrated at first when I learned that I would have to purchase another product from Amazon before I could submit an order for the Hutzler. This product ‘bundling’ is no doubt good for sales of slower moving items, but a little annoying when you just want a good bananna slicer. No problem, though, add a USB Pole Dancer to the cart, along with a pocket fisherman and a couple of cheetah print headbands, and click on “buy”. Nothing to do then, but go buy banannas and wait for UPS. Ok, first impressions: The color is perfect, a medium yellow reminiscent of actual banannas. The overall shape, too, mimics the shape of the fruit of it’s intended use. It occurred to me that the product designers have cleverly fashioned the device to resemble actual banannas to avoid confusion. This enhances safety in the kitchen, the user is reminded not to use the Hutzler to debone a chicken or juilenne french frys. Additionally, the Hutzler is much smaller than I thought it was going to be. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, the compact size is a good sign that the product engineers eliminated everything that didn’t contribute to the product’s function: slicing banannas. And for the user who couldn’t find the battery access or power cord: This is a manual device. Although that should be obvious, perhaps the packaging should state the fact clearly. To use the Hutzler, simply peel the bananna with your hands (the
Hutzler isn’t used in the first couple of steps), and lay the bananna lengthwise on a clean and sterilized cutting surface. Pick up the Hutzler with both hands, position it carefully over the bananna, and press down firmly with a single motion, until the Hutzler bottoms out on the cutting surface. Then release your grip on the Hutzler with your right hand, while still holding it in place with your left. Using your right hand, lift the bananna (which has now been divided into mostly equal-sized pucks) up off the cutting surface, taking care not to deform them by squeezing too tightly. It sounds more complicated than it is, and after a few banannas, you’ll be slicing them like a pro! I gave the Hutzler 571 four stars, mostly because of the hassle of having to order additional products through Amazon’s bundlling policy.
424. THIS PRODUCT SAVED ME FROM A LIFE IN PRISON! Katelyn
This product is amazing. I used to get so frustrated trying to slice bananas using various methods such as chainsaws, sorcery, and even a knife fashioned out of the femur of my ex boyfriend. I soon became reclusive, never leaving my house. Soon my only friends were anime characters, and I began to develop violent tendencies. I soon began to venture out into the world looking for victims to prey upon. After about my fourth victim, the police caught up with me. I received a life sentence in prison. My prison psychiatrist discovered the root of my problems was
indeed my deep seated hatred for those dreaded yellow fruit. So he purchased me the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. It revolutionized my life. My sentence ended the day afterwards. (Let’s just say that this also doubles as a fantastic lock pick.) My banana slicing days of rage, as well as serial killing are well behind me! Thanks Hutzler!
425. PAY EXTRA FOR THE BONUS REMOTE B. Nana
I assume future models will have a power button. Without it, it is useless when you can’t find the remote. Splurge for a second remote that you can keep as a backup in a special location with your apple-stem-twister and soup-scooper.
426. UPDATE FOR OS LION PLEASE! A. Toad “A. Toad”
Product was working perfectly until I upgraded to Lion. Now, when I insert the banana, the program crashes and I have to restart. Really hope the manufacturer releases a patch soon.
427. PREFERRED BY MOHELS M. R. Cowdery “Mikko Cowdery”
This is an amazing innovation. A mohel friend says he has worked out various techniques using the Hutzler 571 to perform multiple circumcisons at the same time. He does not use the same one for rituals that he uses for slicing regular bananas. So let’s give it five stars.
428. A SENSIBLE KITCHEN GADGET D. Disanto
At last. A sensible kitchen gadget. As a person that has been trained by one of Europe’s most notable culinary academies and owner and operator of a michellin 4star establishment I am relieved to find the Hutzler 571. Absolutely brilliant. Mad Genious. It’s the culinary equivalent of Noah’s Ark. I have it from relieable sources that the inventor is on track for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bravo!
429. MODERN MARVEL Drizzle.John
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is the perfect addition to my Slap Chop, Egg Wave, Perfect Brownie Pan, EZ-Rol Garlic Peeler, Avocado Slicer, Flavor Injector, Egg Separator, Pizza Scissors, Egg Genie, Marivac Food Tumbler, Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Doughnut Machine, Grill Right Wireless Talking BBQ/Oven Thermometer, Towel-Matic, Pizza Boss, Mango Pitter, Mozzarella Slicer, Chef’n Garlic Zoom, Citrus Wedger, VeggieChop, Mushroom Slicer, Strawberry Huller, Flavor Wave, Food Dehydrator, Food Rehydrator, Foreman Grill, and anything else made by Ronco. I don’t know how humans survived for millennia without these gadgets. Thank you modern technology, your attempts to make me a consumer of all things “as seen on TV” have succeeded. I’ve become a unich to self-guided thought and independence... but you gotta admit, slicing your own bananas like some Neanderthal is beyond gruelling and troublesome.
430. AMAZING Derek Hagey
You know that old saying “Greatest thing since sliced bread”? WELL folks, look out because it’s only a matter of time before the saying becomes “Greatest thing since sliced bananas!” It is amazing, AMAZING. How have I lived my whole life without this! It is the GREATEST thing since SLICED BREAD! I am buying one for every single person on my list. STOCKING STUFFER HOLLA!
431. POOP IN A PEEL Biz Hyzy
Most people say that bananas make them constipated. I have found the opposite to be true. Thus, I have nicknamed bananas “Poop in a Peel.” Not anymore! Using the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer, I can cut my banana into perfectly proportioned pieces in the morning and then ration them throughout the day. I, therefore, have changed the nickname to “Pellets in a Peel.” My digestive system is euphoric! Now, I can sneak out small increments, which is so much more
convenient and comfortable than one giant heap. From the heart of my bottom, I thank thee, 571B Banana Slicer. You’re a real slice!
432. BANANA DHYDRATOR Nobel Prize winner
My country’s currency is dehydrated fruit. Banana chips are the most traded and bartered. Everyone cheated with their too thick, too thin banana chips. Until this product! Now each cut is even. So now our currency is honest. It has changed everything. It is communism somewhat as we have learned to communicate instead of being paranoid. This relaxed state has lead us into quite the Renaissance age in enlightenment. We still though has some mental trauma but we are working that through by workshops and retreats. We pay it forward now. Our country has awarded me the Nobel Peace prize with my mere amazon purchase. Thanks,
433. A ZOMBIE KILLER’S DREAM PRODUCT Headshot
Alright zombie killers, We finally get to go bananas eating bananas! Those damn zombies keep us on our toes. What with the chasing, attacking and trying to eat our faces off. Who has time for a nice delicious banana anymore when we eating on the run - literally. We slways turning to look back causing us to smash the banana into our necks. Yes, it
was epidemic back in 2008 and the cause of the great banana massacre. Well, nomore! Thanks to the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer we have our precious banana back. That’s right, toss the banana slicer in your grenade pack, and you too will be able to slice bananas and easily toss the pieces into your mouth during a high speed chase. All hail the Victorio 571B Banana Slicer! Zombie killers around the world are greatly indebted to the sheer genius. Get some!
434. WORKS FOR BANANAS, BUT... S. Winkler “online shopper”
Works for bananas, fails on bratwurst. Single use kitchen gadgets are usually a no no. Something that can pull double-duty is a must in smaller kitchen. That’s why a Cuisinart food processor and a Kitchenaid mixer are so great. They’re versatile and serve a multitude of needs. This banana slicer is exceptional for bananas, but fails miserably when trying to cut hot dogs for beanie weanie.
435. OFF LABEL USES, THIS AINT YO DADDY’S BANANA SLICER! TipTopomatic
Hello. Let me first explain that this banana slicer is nothing short of a Godsend. You see, I am one of the rare sufferers of a genetic anamoly so rare that it defies naming. As a child my adult teeth grew in first. Imagine if you can a tot who could demolish an ear of sweet corn like nobodys business. I was a local celebrity around my local Indiana town and known affectionately as “Baby Gary
Busey”. But after the glory came the shame. My adult teeth began to fall out buy the time I started Kindergarten. By second grade I had a full set of, you guessed it, baby teeth. I still have all of them today and take scrupulous care to insure their health. Unfortunately the downside is that I have to pre cut all of my food. I am a fan of all tropical fruits and the idea of a dedicated “banana slicer” was one that I found intrigueing. I ordered my 571 and a few weeks later it arrived. I unwrapped it with aniticipation. The uniform slices did not disappoint and I was able to easily masticate with my junior choppers just as I had hoped. But I didnt stop with bananas. With the 571 I was finally and confidently able to enjoy all sorts of sliced tubular foods; plaintains, zucchini, cucumbers, vienna sausages (regular AND bar-b-q), hotdogs and even PICKLES! Lastly, I began to suspect that my Scotch Terrier, Mr Wiggles, had a case of the worms. You guessed it, the 571 made quick work of his scat and I was able to diagnose his intestinal malady! Best of all the 571 is dishwasher safe!!! So, dont let the title of banana slicer limit your imagination and dont be afraid to go “off label”. It turns out my accursed tiny teeth led me to a discovery of a whole new world of sliced goodness!!!
436. PATENT INFRINGMENT! G. Mantel “Honestly Reviewed”
First off, has anyone noticed the size of this device is listed as 1-inch x 1-inch x 1-inch?! Clearly this was done to hide the fact that they violated the patent for my most-clever domestic machinery device known to man, the Cucumber Slicer! (British Patent Office, 1893) I will haunt them forever for this transgression!
Sincerely, The Ghost of James Osborn Spong, ironmonger to Her Most Gracious Queen Victoria, on behalf of Spong & Company, London
437. IN YOUR FACE TO ZOOKEEPERS EVERYWHERE! Bobo
Hi all, Bobo here, first time poster to Amazon. Two emphatic chest thumps and a butthole scratch followed by a two finger sniff go out to the 571b slicer from all of us chimps at the San Diego Zoo. Love it.
438. AWESOME James Mellicant
I carry it in my pocket just in case I wander into the grocery store or market and come upon any wild bananas. This way I make sure to pick only the right size with the right bend. Very important because if they have a bend to the left instead of the right it totally won’t work. It’s better to carry this in your back pocket (I’m a guy) instead of the front pocket because people will mistake it for something else.
439. NECESSITIES 101 FOR THE RECOVERING FRUIT NINJA Indi
This product has helped me through one of the most difficult phases in my life.
I was one of the rare black belt fruit ninjas raised on Incorporated mountain when my career took off as a master of fruit destruction. Apple had hired me to decimate their fruit population and I was a rising star when the worst happened. During a routine banana extraction I lost focus and, as with all great fruit ninjas, threw a bomb at my chopping board and decided to cut it in half. Needless to say this did not end well and the road to rehabilitation was a long one at Halfbrick Hospital. My experience had traumatised me and I was unable to cut bananas without becoming violently ill. As a result of my fruit free diet I devoloped scurvy and several pirates at the hospital attempted to maroon me on an island. It was at this island that I gained the trust of the local ‘Hutzler’ tribe and in thanks for my help rescuing the chieftain’s daughter I was granted their totem treasure, the 571B. With this treasure in hand I am free of scurvy and on my way to recovery. Thankyou 571B Banana Slicer!
440. GOING BANANAS Mike S
I have been waiting for the new version of the 571B to come out for awile now. The 562W was taking up to much counter space and the electrical cord was becoming loose at the plug in so I would get shocked every once in awhile when I needed to slice my bananas. I had heard that the newer models in the 571 series would either be battery powered and some people on the internet have been writing about a solar operated peeler. When I got my new banana peeler in the mail I was disappointed to see it came with no cord to recharge the product or to even plug it in for use. I have tried calling customer service to inform them of the packaging error
in which the manual wasnt in the packahe either so no product or item number to give to them but they seem to not know or are unaware of what cord I am talking about. I am now just using the 571B as a pedestal for my bananas on my work desk as I am not going to go back to that dang cord that shocks me everytime as if to mock me for upgrading to a newer model.
441. A CAMPING MUST HAVE.... Frank Cambisi
I don’t ever go camping without this handy gadget.... A must have during those long lonely nights in the woods...
442. IN A WORD - YES, OH YES, YOU MUST OWN ONE OF THESE LITTLE MARVELS The Pentificator
This product rocks!! Banana after banana it just cuts through so effortlessly. No more wasting money on professional knives, expensive knife sharpening kits and chopping blocks, this does just one thing and does it perfectly - I’ve never needed to take this in for a tune up. I might also add that its ergonomic shape has done wonders for my carpal tunnel and my love life has never been better.
443. OTHER COLORS? Lael Hazan “Lael Hazan @educatedpalate”
Although a fabulous and necessary product, it isn’t realistic. Who came up with the color scheme? Obviously it needed spots! My bananas are never so yellow. Also, why not green for unripe ones and red for plantains?
444. THE MOST BRILLIANT KITCHEN UTENSIL SICE THE ACME ORANGE PEELER 6000 Peel Master 28
If you are into perfectly sliced bananas, let me tell you John Q. Citizen, *THIS* is the banana slicer for you! And I would know. I own approximately 300 banana slicers, and I can attest to the fact that this is beyond question the best, most effective tool ever devised by human beings for slicing bananas into even, attractive slices to put in your Corn Flakes (TM). And it doesn’t stop there. I own *a lot* of kitchen utensils that deal with fruit. I am a proud owner of the FruitWorks Grape Smasher, the Acme Orange Peeler 6000, and the Victoria’s Secret Tangerine Dream (I’ll leave what that does up to your perverse imagination). It would not be a stretch to say that I have a serious thing for fruit. Some might even call it a fruit fetish. So believe me when I tell you that this banana slicer is really the best one out there, and not just for reasons that you might expect. Finally, this banana slicer has helped me complete my greatest invention. Since 2004, I have been trying unsuccessfully to create a teleportation device. I found that a transistor radio and some rose quartz crystals were almost getting me there, but it just wasn’t working. That was until bought the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. I am typing this review from a quiet tea house in Tokyo, and I didn’t get there on a plane! The Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. It will change your life.
45. THANK THE LORD Irefusetobealone
No more choking for my babies! I used to cry to heavens to give me an effective way to feed my dog bananas 5 years and 27 dead dogs later my suffering is finally at an end. Thank you Victorio.
446. TOTAL FAIL S. Jehlik
20 slices? Any sod knows the proper way to slice a banana is with 18 slices. You’d figure they would have done some basic research before putting out this product.
447. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE George Bluth
~ ~ ~ How many times do I have to say, THERE’S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA SLICER! ~ ~ ~
448. GIGGLES! MCH
I ordered this product with a clear head, however, when I received it, I was higher than a kite in a high wind storm. I immediately tried to slice 5 loaves of banana bread (I had the munchies). Upon realizing it’s just for bananas and not banana bread, I giggled so hard I wet my pants and surrounding areas, which is why I am back here. Any ideas for a good computer chair?
449. MULTIPLE USES SUCH AS PET GROOMING & CIRCUMSION! William Price
What an awesome product. I love using the Hultzer 571 Banana Slicer to groom long haired cats. It works best on pets when used just after slicing a sticky banana. In the past I have also taken it on camping trips to seine for minnows in the creek. I even know a local doctor sometimes uses one to perform circumcisions. Perhaps the best use though I have found is to place one under each car tire, whenever my car is stuck in snow. Really provides the gripping power to get back on the road. If I am ever picked for the cast of Survivor, I am taking a Hultzer 571 Banana Slicer as my luxury item.
450. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS??? Peel
You! Yes, you! The guy who keeps saying the banana just dosen’t fit into the slicer...I don’t understand what the problem is. If you would simply take the Hutzler 571 with you into the grocery store and hold up the bananas to the slicer, you will see which ones will fit and which ones won’t fit. Problem solved. Sliced bananas taste so much better in my protein shakes than when I just put the whole thing into the blender!
451. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, NIKOLA TESLA, THOMAS EDISON, AND NOW WHOEVER INVENTED THIS Hellcat
Only once in awhile an invention comes along that truly revolutionizes the world. Power from nuclear fusion? Carbon nanotube car bodies that can protect people from head-on collisions? Asteroid deflection systems? Colonizing the Moon? Terraforming Mars? The world doesn’t need those silly things! This banana slicer is a god send, preventing people from the undue stress of taking a few extra seconds to cut those tough bananas right a butter knife!
452. DON’T BUY IT C. Eikenhorst “makeup junkie
This is a total waste of money and not only should you not buy it, you should never consider using it. Yours truly, The Banana
453. BETTER THAN THE NEW I PHONE Mungo Jerry
I used to use a hatchet to chop my morning bananas but, after losing 4 fingers and a thumb I thought, “There has got to be a better way!” Hatchets get blood all over the banana and chainsaws are too messy. With my remaining fingers, I stood there scratching my head and then a friend, J Vorhees suggested the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer !! Better than a 357 Magnum, the Hutzler 571 is not as loud, not as messy and you don’t have to remove the safety to use it. And the best thing is, it never accidentally goes off in a night
club and shoots you in the leg ( are you listening, Plexico ?) If Lorena Bobbitt had had one of these, Her hubby John Wayne would’ve had to change his name to Jane. Don’t wait until next Christmas. Order now !!
454. THE NANNER SLICER IS MY FRIEND Billy Boy
I was lonely and sometimes afraid at night, but this handy dandy little tool has brought joy to my life. I used to just sort of like Bananas, but with my friend the Banana Slicer, I really enjoy slicing them. Sometimes I slice them even though I am not going to eat them, just for the pure joy of using this tol. Me and my Banana Slicer watch movies together and we laugh at the jokes on Comedy Central. I just want everyone to know that Banana Slicer is my Friend.Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
455. THE GREAT BANANA SLICER CONTROVERSY mary mills
2012 will no doubt go down in history as the year of the Great Banana Slicer Controversy. It is definitely one of those “love it or hate it” kinds of items, as its blatant social commentary and its prominence in the political rhetoric of our times have divided people all over the nation. True, there are some things about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer that we can all agree upon. It is yellow. It does the work of ten men. But from there, we devolve into debates on good taste (is it art? what IS art?), morality (what will the neighbors think?) and the American work ethic (what does it say about me if I’m too lazy to chop bananas by hand?). I myself fall into
the “love it” camp, but I can understand why many others feel differently. Its warfare uses have tarnished its prestigious reputation immeasurably, and we will only know the true significance of this iconic product in retrospect.
456. YOU’LL GO “BANANAS” FOR THIS SLICER! anon
I was getting tired of all my knives dulling from excessive banana slicing. And the single blade of a knife only yields one piece of banana per cutting motion, who has the time! I’d been using the banana slicer happily for a couple months when my roommate, fumbling to unpeal a Banana as usual asked me what I was using. I told him all about this slicer and he ordered his own on the double! When his arrived in the mail, I said “Welcome to the 21st century, Tom!” And we laughed for a good two hours at that one. I now proudly display this Banana Slicer on the wall next to my industrial shovel-shield and shoe-tying machine.
457. HORIZONTAL BANANA SLICER Ransom Park “ranger keith”
Why didn’t someone tell me?!? I almost tossed mine in the trash after breaking so many bananas in half. I’d stand them on end and push the slicer downwards, only to have banana after banana break in half (or worse). Then a friend of mine (with a PHD in cooking utensils) pointed out that I would probably have better luck laying the bananas on their sides instead of trying to slice them end to end. What a difference!!! Now I get almost perfect banana slices
(as long as the banana fits the size and shape of the slicer). Only problem I’m having now is what exactly I’ll do with all these slices. Any ideas?
458. AMAZING PRICE! robert
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is the the most labor saving device I have ever owned! Before I purchased the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer I had to count out $2.51 by hand before I threw it in the gutter. Now, with a simple flick of the wrist I can toss the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer instead! No muss, no fuss. Thanks Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer!
459. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE! Adam
When I first purchased this Item after reading all these stellar reviews I knew I had stumbled upon something very special. Ownership of the 571 has allowed me access to a myriad of clubs and inner circles. A whole new world if you will. My problems first began to arise several months down the road. I was already deep into this underground world of banana slicing competitions when I noticed my 571 one would start to get very hot after slicing only a few bananas. After being horrible beaten by an owner of the Fox Run Banana slicer I returned home to contemplate the tragic turn my life had taken. I forced myself to return to this site to see if I could figure out what I was doing wrong. Then I found it. THE SECOND PICTURE! TWO Banana slicers. How could I be so naive. If I purchased two then I could alternate the slicing and
whenever one would overheat I could quickl;y switch it out for the back up. With this newly discovered sense of self-worth and accomplishment I returned to Banana Slicing competitions and won my first circuit. I will soon be travelling to Thailand to compete in the World Champoinships.
460. LIFE SAVING NECESSITY!! firemedic744
I admit that I was a bit skeptical about this product. I have been a banana segmenting aficionado for quite a few years, and I thought nothing would ever replace my ever-faithful pocketknife. But now, not only am I always ready for banana dissection, but as a firefighter-paramedic I am fully equipped to provide life saving measures. The Hutzler 571 allows rapid removal of multiple layers of clothes, open patient airways to assist with breathing, or extricate trapped victims. My concern is that this tool does not come with a matching, hivisibility protective sheath for those moments in time when poor visibility prevails, possibly resulting in sliced and segmented fingertips. Therefore, I regretfully can only give 4.5 stars as my rating.
461. ALREADY OBSOLETE RDS
The 572 Model is several light-years ahead of the 571. Frankly, I’m surprised so many people are buying this kludge, when the 572 will be released shortly and will include features such as curvature adjustment and slice size. Plus it will include a free Android app.
462. ONLY USEFUL IF YOU ALSO PURCHASE THE HUTZLER 570 BANANA PEELER GG “gg”
Don’t make the same mistake I did. I bought this wonder thinking that I could just slice right through the peeling and everything. My thinking was that I would be able to eat the peel along with the pulp due to the peel being in much smaller pieces. Well the Hutzler 571, unlike the now discontinued Hutzler 565S, can not, repeat NOT, cut through banana peel. You must, and I cannot stress this enough, MUST peel it first. And what’s the easiest way to peel a banana other than using your hands? The Hutzler 570 Banana Peeler of course. Just make sure to add it to your cart as well. It’s $57.99 here at Amazon, so they kinda screw you over ‘cause they know you have to have it in order to use the 571, but such is the price for convenience (and might I add...bragging rights?).
463. GREATEST. THING. EVER! DevilDawg
When confronted with the daily rigorous task of slicing my bananas, I would always injure myself. I cut my fingers every time and even have lost 2 fingers on my left hand! Trips to the ER for stitches and ambulance calls due to my family passing out from the amount of blood I would lose, put my family in to bankruptcy! We were living on the streets when I noticed this clever device on the public library internet. Since purchasing this amazing product, we have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars by just safely slicing our bananas!!! No more trips to the hospital! Thank you Hutzler for helping this family out!!!
464. SUPER PRODUCT, BUT TIME TO EXPAND! Shawn Hardy “Shawn Marie”
I sure do appreciate the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer! What a breeze to use and I no longer let that bunch of bananas sit and rot on my Martha Stewart banana holder. Not only do I wake up every morning excited to slice my morning banana, I go to bed at night excited as well. All I’ve been thinking about is my new banana slicer. The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, or the Hutz as we’ve nicknamed it here at home, has given my life purpose. While I love this slicer, and wouldn’t change a thing about it, I realize that there is always room for improvement and I think it’s time to expand this brilliant product. How about a larger version? You could call it the Hutzler 1000 for those larger, hard-to-manage bananas; or what about the Hutzler Mega for plantains; the more compact Hutzler Mini for those itsy-bitsy bananas and the same model in red for the little red ones; the Hutzler Banana Chip Chopper is another idea; and how about a motorized version of the Hutzler 571--the Power Hutzler? Think of all the time that would save! Oh yes! Good things are coming our way. I can hardly wait to see what’s next. This is the next best thing to the Smart Phone, but keep up with the times! The future’s so bright I wanna buy stock in Dole bananas. Maybe I’ll even start my own banana company. Thank you Hutzler! You’re a life saver!
465. PERFECT MURDER WEAPON! Betty Liu
It’s the perfect murder weapon! It is sharper than most knives out there on the market. Guns are too noisy, but this one’s a silent killer. It’s also really easy to carry -- just put it in your back pocket! Nobody suspects a banana slicer to do the job, making the extraordinary seem ordinary. Out of my entire selection of guns, swords, daggers, axes, clubs, lawnmowers, and crossbows, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is by far my most preferred murder weapon.
466. REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT! Moritz Reichelt “Moritz R”
This thing will change banana industry forever and cause a big boom and shift in the history of food! Before the Hutzler 571 only few people could actually eat bananas, i.e. consuming the fruit in one hard-to-swallow cumbersome piece. Now with this amazing revolutionary device, almost everybody will be able to eat bananas! I predict, the banana will soon be “fruit of the year” and replace the mangel-wurzel as the worlds favorite food product. The success did not come as a surprise though. For years Hutzler had developed the idea of banana slicing to finally come up with this ingenious product. If you remember the previous models before the 571, you’ll agree. In 1887 Ronald Barnabas Hutzler introduced what was then called the “banana disintegration machine”,
merely two wood blocks that would crash a banana leaving an unappetizing sludge, that was mostly used to feed the teethless. For decades Hutzler could never break into the wider consumer market with it. A breakthrough came in the late 1940s, when a fully electrical machine was able to produce the first real banana slices deserving the name, but the high energy consumption and a rather high purchase price of US$269.- prevented the product from succeeding in the market. The idea of banana slicing once again was buried in oblivion. In the early years of the 21st century Hutzler was on the brink of bankrupcy, before a new management brought the company back onto track. The entirely revolutionary concept of the new 550+-series promised success at last! The first models still lacked of initial deficits, like the 562, which had a straight hard-to-be-used form, until this was corrected in the 568.3.7 model, that matched the typical average banana silouette. After sharp devider “knives” were introduced in the 570 beta, the Hutzler banana slicer took its final shape and ever since sales have been rocketing through the roof.
467. WYOHUSKER Michael R. Petersen
Not a bad product but do not... I repeat... DO NOT try to include this in your carry on luggage at the airport. 4 hours of explaining and I was still not allowed on the airplane. You wouldn’t believe the alternative devious uses that they thought this simple harmless utensil could be used for. Anxiously awaiting the release of the
571E electric slicer in both the corded and cordless versions.
468. SAVED MY LIFE Brian
A year ago I was diagnosed with hypokalemia. The doctor said I needed to eat more bananas. I tried to eat them the conventional way by peeling them and then eating them whole but this was problematic. I work with a lot of people that make crude jokes and tease me a lot. So, as you can imagine, a grown man eating a banana just fueled their fire to further bully me. That lead me to thinking about slicing the bananas. There is another problem with this solution. Hypokalemia can cause blurred vision. Well you can see where wielding a sharp knife around could cause injury or even death. So I came up from the basement a couple months ago and mother told me about this fantastic product she found, that product is the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I just want to thank you fine people for curing my hypokalemia. You literally saved my life!!
469. THIS ITEM SAVED MY LIFE! cr8zy4nanaers
Before the 571b Banana Slicer, I suffered from manic depression, with suicidal tenancies. I was the laughing stock of the office because my banana slices were uneven, and unappealing. I did not know what to do with myself. One day, when I had sliced up a particularly bad batch of bananas and the depression was hitting its all time low, I saw the light that was the 571b Banana Slicer on my computer. Now that I have it, I am the most popular one in the office, even more than Bill from accounting who always brings in
the donuts. Thank you 571b Banana Slicer for saving my life!
470. SCARY GOOD AT CUTTING NANNERS Nannerlover12
Not since the wheel has there been a product so helpful to mankind. Much like fire, or the polio vaccine, this banana slicer is crucial to modern day life. I don’t leave home without it!
471. FIRE...BAD. SLICER......GOOD. SLICER GOOD. GOOD! AMB
ArrrrrrRRRrr. NIFE. NO NIFE. NANA SLICER. Yessssss. SLICER...GOOD. GOOD!! FIRE bad. NIFE bad. SLICER make peel go away. AWAY. ARRRRRRRRRHHHHhhhh. SLICER. LOVE.
472. DOES NOTHING FOR MY ALLERGIES! Rita “Rita”
When I was a youngster, I loved bananas. Sweet, delicious, ripe and yellow bananas. I would eat them all the time. Unfortunately when I got older, something rather unfortunate happened - I developed a severe banana allergy. No one could figure out why. “How could you be allergic to bananas, the most benign of all fruit?!” my friends and family would call out in disgust as they ate their own bananas. I was slowly but surely losing my social life. I didn’t know where to turn. Depressed, I was doing searches about banana allergies, when an ad suggested this product - the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. “Odd,” I thought to myself as I stared at it, “it doesn’t look like it would help with allergies. I wonder why they
suggested it?” I did a little more research on it and a line caught my eye “faster, safer than using a knife.” “Oh!” I exclaimed, “that must be why I developed a banana allergy!” You see, when I was younger, my parents always used to give me whole bananas, but when I grew older I began to cut them with a knife. Which is apparently dangerous. What if it wasn’t a banana allergy at all, but an allergy to bananas cut by knives? Still, I didn’t want to eat a whole banana. That was childish and uncivilized. I quickly ordered a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, eager to finally be able to eat delicious bananas safely, as advertised. When it came, I tore open the box, rushed over to my kitchen, and used it to slice up at least 10 bananas. I crammed as many of the delicious yellow disks in my mouth that would fit. Nothing would stand between us again! ...One trip to the hospital later, and I can say with certainty that this is NOT safer than slicing with a knife. It didn’t help with my allergies at all. Save your money!! I gave it two stars for the perfectly even cuts it made though, they were lovely.
473. PORTION CONTROLLED GENIUS It’s Mania not mania
After reading the reviews I was still skeptic but decided to go ahead and order. Omg, genius i am so happy I did!!! I have lost 95 pounds in just 4 weeks. It cuts perfect portion controlled slices and makes it so easy for me to count 2 slices and throw the rest of the banana away. I’ve lost all my molars but I’m now a size 2 and could not be any happier.
Thank you 571 banana slicer, you saved me. peoe try to hate and say “it doesnt come with instructions” yes it does, it’s just in Japanese. Just stare at it for 10 seconds, spin to the left and a voice will appear. If you’re Deaf you will get an email immediately in Italian but use google translate and you’re set! I know because I too was a little frustrated at 1st but trust me..
474. IT’S GOOD, BUT NOT AS GOOD AS THE HUTZLER 570 Manolo
I bought the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and quickly noticed that banana slices stick to the blades. Upon closer examination, I could see that the 571’s blades lack the blood groove found on such quality slicing apparatus’ as the Hutzler 570 Banana Slicer, the U.S. Marine Corps K-Bar Fighting Knife and the M-9 Bayonet. Absence of the groove causes a vacuum to form when the life juices of the banana come in contact with the surfaces of the blades, which requires the cutter to have to place their foot against the banana and tug mightily to extricate the slicer from the banana’s flesh, a most dangerous proposition considering the sheer number of blades the Hutzler company give this model. I did not have this problem with Hutzler 570. When I was finished fighting Marxist guerrillas in the jungle, I knew that as soon as I pulled my K-Bar from the chest of my vanquished enemy that I could sit down under a banana tree, take out my Hutzler 570 and enjoy tasty and soothing sliced bananas while increasing my potassium levels sufficiently to recover in time for the next wave of attacks. With the absence of such a prominent and necessary feature, I simply do not have the same confidence in the Huztler 571 as I did in the earlier model and I
fear I shall be struggling with freeing the banana slicer at a most inopportune time during the next contest of will I must engage in.
475. GREAT FOR TENNIS PLAYERS! L. Massaro Kauffman “neekeekee6”
To save some time in my morning routine, I’ve been using my trusty tennis racket to make diced bananas for my cereal. I thought it was a great plan until I went to use my tennis racket and had to pick moldy chunks of banana from it. With the Hutzler 571, I can spare my time and my racket! (Note: It did take time to get used to sliced banana instead of diced, but once I got over the fear of choking on a larger chunk of banana, I really enjoyed it.)
476. WE LOVE OUR HUTZLER 571 Chris in Orinda
My wife is a righty and I am a lefty Ours didn’t come with instructions and I searched for the Hutzler Model 571L which was on back order. Then one day by compete accident I was watching animal planet and I noticed the Monkey’s opening the banana from the wrong end and at the same time I got a craving for banana’s, The best part was when I found my son had put the Hutzler 571 banana Slicer in the drawer upside down. Thats when the lightbulb went off and I had to search for a flashlight to go into the closet to get a new one. I still haven’t found a Hutzler 571L but I am sure it’s out there.. We have learned to use our Hutzler model 571, When ever I need my banana sliced I have my wife use it, Turns out she really enjoys it!
477. DOES NOT WORK FOR SENIORS Steven “skj”
I was so excited to get my Hutzler 571 Banana slicer in the mail. I unwrapped it and put it in the kitchen. I left for just five minutes and when I came back, lo and behold, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer was gone. I clapped my hands and the lights went out. I clapped again and the lights came back on. But still no Hutzler 571 banana Slicer. I don’t get it, I just don’t get it!
478. WHEN THE ENVELOPE OPENER ARRIVES I’LL LET YOU KNOW Kimberly R. Stagliano “Stagmom”
I must admit, I was a slicing skeptic. Having been swindled by the Putzler Pineapple Corer/toilet snake combo product, I thought, “No, this is simply too good be true.” However, having just received my first $5.00 installment from the $250,000 I sent His Royal Highness Prince Sanjay Achmed Giuseppe Wong of the polar paradise of East Indiopolis - and knowing that my check to Jane, who was mugged in London last week, had safely cleared, I took a risk and ordered this gem. Unfortunately, my Acme envelope opener from QVC has NOT arrived yet, and so I find myself stymied.
479. MORE ME TIME chris takes another piss
At first i was shown this product as a joke. Then i bought it as a joke. But after 22 long and monotonous years of slicing bananas with a knife, I found myself losing friends,energy, sleep, and desire. Not to mention i spend hours sharpening old dull knives that these
delicious yellow fruits had no mercy for. After using this product, I added an average of 62 minutes of free time to my year. I now show up to work on time and my girlfriend can actually look me in the eyes when we make love. THANKS HUTZLER! I FEEL LIKE A MAN AGAIN!!
480. NOT FOR ALL TYPES OF BANANAS JarjarXG “JarjarXG”
I guess this was engineered for the Chiquita banana (cavendish) variety bought at most supermarkets. Not good for: Cardaba (saba) banana variety. The increased girth just doesn’t fit right and tends to slip. Some plantain varieties are too long for this. Manzano or lady fingers (shorter bananas) are fine, but get mushed when not pushed right. Longer bananas need to be cut first to length before using banana cutter. Ripened, black bananas turn into mashed bananas. Maybe they can include an adapter on their next model?
481. A SLICE OF THE GOOD LIFE Sky
I bought this product because it’s cute; but after owning it for a few days, I realized it is so much more than that. This product slices bananas, as well as other soft banana shaped fruit, can guard anything banana shaped from your dog, can hang like a necklace, or on a wall, and last fall Uncle Joe used it as a giant banana slicer smile for his clown costume. I have even used it on my front door. Knock, knock, anyone home? There is one purpose which gets the most use. I normally ask my bananas, how they prefer to go. When they say the knife, they go straight to jail, because who could be so stupid as to choose a knife instead of a banana slicer. For this purpose the banana slicer serves as a banana penitentiary, before it becomes the banana guillotine. chop ... chop ... chop but sorry, yes, must buy.
482. OUR DOG IS CRAZY OVER BANANAS Crazyforbananas
My dog loves bananas so much but he is not good at chewing as he has no teeth ever since the accident with the squirrel. When the Huzler 571 banana slicer came along his life dramtically improved. I no longer have to go through the painstakingly long process of putting his dentures in. I used to give him the whole banana but he struggled to get it down. When I took the time to slice the banana with a knife he would drool all over my foot. He drooled so much while I painfully sliced the banana that he would make a pool of
slimy mess all over the floor as well. Now that I’ve found the Huzler 571 I only have 2 second messes of drool to clean up. Thank you Huzler 571!!!!
483. THE GREATEST SORROW S. Shoemaker
I am a HUGE fan of products that do the slicing for you. I mean, who even has time to use a knife!? I have many children to feed so anything that saves time is GREATLY appreciated. When I saw this product, I could feel myself smiling gleefully. I had devices for slicing all sorts of vegetables and fruits, but nothing for bananas. Every time I sliced a banana with a knife, I let a few tears escape. I always ended up throwing out the bananas I sliced since I would be far too morose to eat after the slicing ordeal. I was wasting time and sinking into a deep depression, but there was nothing that could properly slice a banana. Until now that is! I waited impatiently for it to arrive. I didn’t have enough money to pay for quick shipping so I had to wait SEVERAL DAYS. When it finally arrived, I ripped the package open and raised the banana slicer in the air, letting loose a joyful WOOHOO!. My children came scrambling from their rooms to find out what had caused my elation. When I informed them that I could now slice bananas quickly and easily, the youngest one (Jimmy, age 7) burst into tears of joy. We had a touching family group hug before we went to the store to buy some bananas to slice. And here’s where the tragedy strikes.
We came home, our arms overflowing with bright yellow bananas. The slicer worked perfectly and we soon had many uniform bananas slices. We began to eat. I immediately spat out my first piece of banana as I came to the shocking realization that... I HATE BANANAS. Seriously, who even eats them? I wasted my money. The slicer may have worked perfectly, but no one in my family can stomach eating even a single piece. Well, except for Cindy, but she’s always been a bit odd. I think the only way I will be able to get over this intense sorrow is to buy a melon baller. I will be able to make awesome fruit salad SO FAST.
484. BANANA SLICER. DON’T TURN YOUR BACK Chrose1201 “Chrose1201”
I don’t trust bananas, they’re dangerous. I put googly eyes on them. A lot of people are putting googly eyes on their bananas nowadays. I think it’s because bananas are dangerous. Bananas have slippery peels that can make you fall when they jump on the floor. When you’re not looking, bam there they are right under your foot ready to break your neck, or your back.So you need to know where you stand with them all the time. The only way to know where to stand with someone is to look into their eyes, right? Normally bananas don’t have eyes, potatoes do, but not bananas. So it’s hard for
me to trust them. Hence. The googly eyes. I use the 571 banana slicer and put googly eyes on all the slices so when the banana jumps on the floor I can see all those eyes looking up at me. Still, it’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t turn your back on a banana. Thank you C. Walken
484. IT’S NOT JUST FOR BANANAS!!!! HOLY COW WHAT A GADGET! Joe Bouchelle
When I finally received my long awaited Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (HBS or 571 for short) my life was changed forever! There are SOOO many uses! Yes- it actually DOES slice bananas....but hold on folks....it also can slice zucchini in a matter of seconds! Squash? Done! But wait! It also makes julienne fries! And there’s more... the HBS can be used as a sock drying wand AND as a wand for BANANA SHAPED BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: you must supply your own bubble juice.) It’s hard to describe just how many uses this thing has. AN IMPORTANT NOTE: Do NOT purchase the 570 model...it has many design glitches and faults which were, thankfully, fixed in the 571 model. Good luck and happy slicing!
485. FINALLY GOT REVENGE ON MARMAN SCHNEIDER! Nestor B. Nestor
I have a monkey named Arnesto Gariciaaaaa and he is a very finicky eater when it comes to his daily potassium intake. I’ve tried everything, from disguising bananas as lady monkies, to just plain old
chucking bananas at Arnesto. Now it all started when the movement of Arnesto’s bowels began slowing when I decided to try an alternative strategy. I thought to myself “What could have started Arnesto’s passionate disliking for bananas?” Then, like a thief in the night, it came to me! “Ah-ha!” I thought, “Arnesto lost all of his teeth while fighting off his ex-BFF, Marman Schneider. It must be hard for the fella to bite the banana peel open and then fit the whole banana into his mouth and chew it all up.” So I researched a solution, and this is what I found! The 571b banana slicer; just what Arnesto Gariciaaaaa needed!!!! So I went ahead and ordered it. Now that I’ve used it for a week, I couldn’t be happier with the results! Arnesto now eats bananas like crazy, and this contraption makes it easy enough for him to slice the bananas for himself. Whenever he wants a banana he just says “Nestor, vouchsafeth me the 571b banana slicer!” I then joyfully vouchsafeth it to him. I’m telling you people, this thing works wonders. Much gratitude is expressed towards the genius mastermind(s) who have created this splendid masterpiece. I could’ve never come up with it myself! And, you should all be happy to know that Arnesto’s bowels are up and running like never before! It’s truly a great feeling.
486. MY ATTORNEY WILL BE CONTACTING VICTORIO SHORTLY... Otto F. Rohwedder, III “Baby Doc”
All of those folks who have purchased this product beware. My Grandfather, Otto F. Rohwedder invented and patented this device back in 1928. You see, my Grandfather invented the greatest invention ever known to mankind, the bread slicer. Yes, that Otto F. Rohwedder. Yes, that great invention. He saw the need to
have a device to slice bread, a chore that was costing housewives countless hours of drudgery. The rest is history. But, how could he top such an achievement? Well, he did. He worked tiredly to bring to the world his Banana slicer, model 571-OFR. This would be his crowning glory, a device that would slice a whole banana at one time! However, during all the excitement over the release of the now famous bread slicer,(not to mention, his “Texas Toast” model released a few years later) and due to the fact that the banana had not had the popularity it enjoys today until after WWII. My Grandfather’s lab assistant, Carlo B. Victorio stole this device, selling it on the black market. The model 571-OFR banana slicer’s life in the free market was short lived however, as it soon fell into the hands of the world wide communist conspiracy. Although rumored to be used by Lenin himself. Lenin discovered that the uniform slices would not get caught in his beard as slices cut by hand. It was rumored to be buried with Lenin, however Stalin took it, thinking he could copy the simple yet ingenious design to manufacture torture devices. It was eventually stolen by Mussolini, who kept it at his estate in Ancona. Stalin himself later tracked down and ordered the death of his once powerful ally. It was eventually reclaimed and handed back to Carlo Victorio by the Illuminati in 1989, coinciding with the fall of the Berlin wall (Coincidence?). It was though that Victorio held the original patent. He did not. My family is in the process of re-claiming the rights to the banana slicer, which may have a disastrous effect on those of you who may have, although unwillingly, been a party to this horrible stain on human history. I would advise you all to stop using the 571-B until the legal battles have concluded.
487. BANANA SLICER FIGHTS GBumgarner
My younger sister and I fight over who’s going to use the banana slicer next -- mama says take turns or we’ll get in big trouble. We’re sisters...take turns?! So we get in a punching, screaming and yelling match..... I’m sitting in the corner as I write this review--I hate the 571B banana slicer.
488. WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE BANANAS? “Split” Foster Pudding
As I watched my bananas being sliced effortlessly, efficiently, yet indiscriminately by the Hutzler 571 banana slicer, an epiphany began to dawn upon me. First they came for the apples, and they were sauce. Then they came for the grapes, and they were peeled without mercy. Next they squeezed the oranges, then the lemons, and I stood idly by, eating a chocolate donut. A watermelon was next and it did not cut quietly yet none intervened. Everyone looked the other way as the potatoes were peeled and then fried, after all they were only a vegetable. As the tomatoes were diced it began to dawn upon me what was happening, yet I was too busy enjoying my very tasty burger & refreshing beverage to say anything. As the bananas were lined up, one by one, I began to realize: Who will speak for the bananas? If we do not speak for the bananas, next they will come to juice the mangoes, and inevitably even the papayas will be next.
So far I keep 3 of these in my kitchen, 2 in my tool box, 1 in each car, 1 in the mail box, and share one between my lawn mower and power washer. Under no circumstances should this be used as a tv remote control.
489. THEY DON’T MAKE NOTHIN’ LIKE THEY USED TO L. Rizzo
As a companion product, I’d recommend “The Complete History of Banana Slicers”, by Solidad Binder. This very complete work (available for Kindle) includes the stone models unearthed in Mexico, right on through the tin models, all the way to today’s plastic ones. Hardly a family gathering can pass without someone bringing up the many different ones we’ve owned over the years. Funny how each one brings back some special memories. You could play a tune on some of the older metal ones. This one’s junk. But even bananas aren’t what they used to be.
490. DEPLOYED SOLDIER Jeffrey R. Bourne
I’ve been deployed to some really dangerous places like Iraq and Afghanistan. When I get back to my hooch and need to slice a banana that I stole from the DFAC, my bayonette seems like overkill. The Hutzler 571 is the perfect product to complete my banana
slicing mission without the fear of cut fingers or IEDs. Let’s face it, Charlie don’t slice bananas. I’m afraid I have had to lower my overall rating though, since the Hutzler 571 does not come in camouflage.
491. I WAS WORRIED THIS THING WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CONDITION michael f. straub
being left handed brings with it awful situations where products are hard or even impossible to use. when i fist received the banana slicer, i couldn’t get it to work. it was fumbly and awkward. i must have tried a dozen bananas before it dawned on me, perhaps it would work if i turned it around. to my amazement, it worked! now even left handers like myself will find glorious banana slicing heaven with this ingenious device. i gave it only 4 stars because i’m not fond of the yellow color and would have preferred something in a mauve or maybe pink for breast awareness. people always say how smart dolphins are, but let’s see a dolphin invent a stellar product like this. not very well likely!
492. DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER April Wilson
When they invented the 571 Banana Sliver, they stopped just short of creating the greatest consumer product of all time. You see, I only buy green bananas, because I figure I have at least another week left in the tank. But the 571 only comes in one model--yellow. I made this startling discovery when I went to add it to my cart and there was no selection for color. Therefore, when I buy bananas, I have to hand slice each banana for the first 2-3 days. Only then can
I enjoy the marvel that is the 571. I would have gladly purchased the green model for an additional $2.51 more -- provided that the seller combined shipping.
493. THE BANANA WARRIOR A. Cox
My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos, ruined dreams, this wasted land. But most of all, I remember the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. To understand what it was, you have to go back to another time when the world was powered by the yellow fuel and the deserts sprouted great cities of uncut fruit. Gone now... sliced away.
494. HANDCRAFTED BY THE GODS - NO DOUBT dpcinatlanta
Much like the day Kennedy was shot, the birth of my children and the historically first step on the moon, today will be remembered in my heart as the day I was introduced, eyes-opened, clearly made aware of the miracle product know to mortals as the Banana Slicer. There has been a ocean-sized, painful hole is my sole for the longest time. Traveling the world, scores of beautiful women, monetary success, recreational drugs - nothing could fill the void. Until now. I am embarrassed and quite frankly, ashamed that I have been using a conventional knife, or even disrespectfully breaking bananas before this day. No longer. I have not yet purchased the Banana Slicer, partly because I am literally paralyzed with emotion - but, God willing, when I am able to do so, no force in the universe will derail my plan, my unrecognized dream, my personal Calling to
place this item in my cart and confirm that - yes - I would like to purchase. Amazon: please carefully remove one unit of this product from the Devine cloud on which it is stored behind golden lock and key and with the utmost respect, pack it, and safely deliver to my home. I will be waiting with the greatest anticipation for its swift deliver and plan to shower the parcel representative with joyous gratitude in the form of rare jewels, precious metals, and pungent exotic spices, and as a jester of goodwill and immeasurable thanks, secure his home address to shortly after bless him with homemade banana bread.
495. IT’S OK BUT I WOULD LIKE IT BETTER IF THERE WERE DIFFERENT COLORS TO CHOOSE FROM SINCE YELLOW IS THE SAME COLOR AS THE BANANA PEEL Deb
el. I have thrown out two of them on accident already since i thought it was the peel. I know my eyesight isnt that good so dont say its obvious because for some PEOPLE it ISNT. And you cant tell from the pictures but its made of soft stuff so it feels like a peel is. But I bought a third one because it does the job good. I just wish it had more colors.
496. WHAM BAM - THANK YOU MAM! ALSO, WORKS GREAT AS A STRING CHEESE SLICER! Missy Toodles
WOW! I am a new woman. Before the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer I would always be that girl... You know, the half way banana eater. I would just squish the banana in my hands until it was gooey and seeping from in between my fingers, then I would fling the banana
sludge towards an orifice, hoping to consume some potassium from this glorious fruit. Now I pretty much violate the banana, wham bam, banana in my hand! I still see a need for something to help me ingest these slices. Please Hutzler, please consider designing a flinger or some sort of device to help with this issue! Also, works great as a string cheese slicer! Godsend!
497. AAAAAAA+++++++ Happycamper
This is complete and totally AWESOME!!! I could not have found a more amazing product at EXACTLY the perfect time! I too had recently been struggling with some of the other consumers problems. I had found myself beginning to dread getting out of bed and having to fix breakfast. I would wake up during the night with thoughts of the mindnumbing task of preparing a bowl of cereal. First, I would have to remove the whole box from atop the refridgerator, then begin the task of unscrambling the code to open those two cardboard flaps that never seem to cooperate. Once I manage to get into the box, there lies the toughest task of all.....THE PLASTIC BAG!!!! I mean really...who has ever been able to open that bag without splitting the sides and spilling those delicious flakes all down into the deep dark box never to be seen again. If/when I finally manage to get some of the cereal into a bowl, I’m usually too mentally and physically exhausted to think about that milk jug. That’s why I’ve cleverly filled the water dispenser on the fridge so that it only dispenses 2% milk with wonderful ease. Anyways, after sleepless nights and several breakdowns, I recently purcased this miraculous product to take make my mornings delicously delightful Buffet Enhancements 15.5 Cup Double Stainless Steel Ce-
real Dispenser For just under $900, I no longer dread waking up in the mornings. Anyway, to get back the original thought, I can not wait to purchase the Victoria Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer! I would love having some bananas in my cereal, but I have never been able to get that far into the breakfast making process. This seems to be the answer to my problems. I am certain I would never be able to hand slice those bananas with such precision. Without an exact cut, those slices would lose balance and the buoyancy of the banana would cause bubbles and bad breakfast beginnings. So now I am patiently awaiting on the arrival of my breakfast saving Victoria Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer.
498. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND PURE.......... A road less travelled
World peace, nuclear disarmament, the end of hunger, all of these pale in to insignificance when you compare them with the marvel of which we speak. I have it on excellent authority that a shipment of the wonder machines where on their way to President Assad of Syria, he saw them as the only solution to ending the conflict within his country, his intention was to appease each and every citizen of Syria with the gift of their very own Banana Slicer. Alas his dream was never to come true as the shipment was the subject of an evil act of high seas piracy and now the Somalian warlords are in possession of a booty one can only dream of. Take heed people, you should guard your slicer with your life or at least the life of a dispensable member of your family, you can be
sure that when the world shortage of Victorio Slicers takes hold, there will be masked gangs marauding our fair cities in search of the Holy Grail of kitchen implements. Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer
499. LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.... avidreader
I admit, when I read all of these reviews I was a bit skeptical. How could such a simple product be so life-altering? I can’t explain it, but it is. No more sitting on the couch, “I’m too tired to get up and make a banana split”. With this product it’s a snap! In need of a healthy snack? A wet saggy peel has nothing appetizing about it, but perfectly uniform slices that you can eat with a fork or your fingers? Refreshing as can be! Don’t be a negative nellie and write off this brilliant product because you simply can’t appreciate it’s spectacularness (yes, it makes you smarter--I’m coming up with my own words!) until you try it!
500. BEST JOBSITE COMPANION EVAR!!! Doodadz
The guys on the jobsite are all amazed at how well I handle bananas now that I have the Hutzler 571 banana slicer. This is a real man’s tool here... solid, simple, and ready to tackle the messy work, like my famous peanut butter, banana and Bacon sandwiches. I love the heavy-duty one piece plastic construction, and the high-visibility yellow finish was a hit with the OSHA guys. I have found the Hutzler 571 also makes a great drywall reamer in a pinch. When you are surrounded by bananas, nothing gets the job done like a 571!
501. BANANA REPUBLIC Large Marge Charles in Charge
What else can I say that hasn’t already been said about this breakthrough in modern-day technology? Well, a lot actually. The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer makes good on its promise to be more reliable and durable than the 569 and 568 models. Each 571 Slicer is hand-crafted and molded from the limited edition Laserdiscs of various Patrick Swayze classics with a yellow sheer gloss finish provided by lead paints found in houses built in the 18th Century. It is a giant leap in progress from the 569 model, which you may remember caused the Divorce Rate to finally exceed 50% of marriages in 1994. One thing to keep in mind about this new model is its stem replica handles at the top and bottom of the Slicer, first seen in model 568, making a much-needed return. The stem replicas are incredibly intuitive when dangling the Slicer over a group of starving South American children. I would recommend this product to everyone who has ever dreamed about making their life just a little bit more enjoyable. But please do keep in mind that this item is BANNED in Canada for its dislike of the game of hockey and its current pending patent lawsuit with the Gauser 356 PickleDicker. However, if you are in the United States and desire something that can keep the whole family busy in weekly therapy, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is definitely for you. I may get a lot of heat on here for this but I think someone has to say it: The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer easily eclipses Crayola’s White Crayon for the most groundbreaking and useful household tool for every day use.
502. THIS SLICER HAS BLOOD ON ITS HANDS.... OR RUNGS!!!! happy customer
Yes I said BLOOD! As those of us in the banana slicer community know, The Hutzler 571 is the replacement for the Hutzler 570 model from a few years ago. Ahhh. The 570, it was a work of art crafted by the famed legend Nikoro Suzake. Young Nikoro studied for years under the reclusive banana implement masters in a remote dojo near the base of Mt. Fuji. One fine day his hard work would pay off When the corporate heads at Hutzler saw a sparkle in young Nikoro’s eye and they gave him a job. They provided him with everything a new banana implement master might need. A crew of Apprentices, aides, a workshop and even a scientific laboratory where he could finally complete the long awaited task they had hired him for. Inventing the worlds most perfect banana slicer. It took years of research and failed attempts. Of course many of his contraptions ended up with NASA in the shuttle program but these weren’t good enough for Nikoro. Then one early morning in October of 1997 Nikoko shrieked Eureka !! (only in Japanese) His 570th attempt would prove to be pure magic! The dastardly execs at Hutzler knew right away that they had a winner on their hands. But after a few years these greedy corporate fat-cats grew tired of paying Nikoro his royalties and they formed a plan that would save them millions and leave Nikoro in disgrace. They had Nikoko’s most trusted young apprentice slightly change the design of slicer. Not enough to effect it’s flawless performance, just enough to get a new patent and leave poor Nikoro out in the cold. Nikoro was so ashamed and dis-honored that one night before he was to accept his award from the Banana Slicer Regime for United Success Or
B.S.R.U.S. Nikoro pulled out a paring knife that had been gifted to him by his old Implement master and he jammed it into he heart. Thanks a lot Hutzler for taking away the the worlds most highly acclaimed banana slicer design engineer! This is why to this day the rare find of a coveted model 570 brings in values comperable to a painting by Claude Monet. They are of course distinguishable by it’s hidden signature on the inside of the third rung from the bottom it say’s Nikoro. Everyone, Eat Bananas and watch your back!
503. THIS THING GAVE ME THE BUSINESS Josh Thorne
I bought this banana slicer thinking it was just what my Geordi La Forge costume needed. After attaching string to both sides of the Hutzler 571 I found that the product’s curve made it very uncomfortable to wear over my eyes. The “Convenience Push” tabs on either side of the slicer dug uncomfortably into my temples for the entire evening, putting me in a terrible mood. Though Commander La Forge himself expressed this same kind of discomfort after a day of wearing his iconic visor, I don’t think that an evening of fantasy need include the pain of bypassing the wearers biological eyes to send radio, heat, light, and electromagnetic waves from the entire spectrum directly into the brain; there being processed into something analogous to human eyesight. I would not recommend this product.
504. DO THE MATH... Louise Hawes
Some bananas (bananitos and plantains) require six knife slices,
some require up to ten or twelve. Now, with the 571? All bananas require only ONE cut! I had planned to add a photoshopped picture here of the 571 with a Crown of Liberty on its top. The caption would have read, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” but that would have required more work than slicing bananas the old fashioned way. The short and simple message is this: save yourself hours (imagine ten more slices than you need to make every day over a lifetime) energy and time. Need more reasons to sheathe that old banana knife? Bananas are more radioactive than any other fruit. The 571 allows you to minimize exposure before popping your treat into your mouth. Do the math.
505. LIFE CHANGING WALK Kelly
For years I’ve been cutting bananas the old fashioned way, using a simple pocket knife. Then one day while taking my pet chupacabra Snuggles out for a walk, I happened upon a photographer. She was taking pictures of a young girl in the mountains of Colorado, using only natural light. She asked if I would mind if her daughter might take a few poses with my chupacabra. Sure I said, but that Snuggles would need to eat first. So I took out a pocket knife and a banana and began to cut away. Well the girl let out a scream of horror at the very thought. No she said, you might cut yourself. Quickly the photographer whiped out a shiny new 571B, and pleaded with me to use it instead of the pocket knife, for everyone’s safety. She said she had just received it, and after getting the English instructions in the mail, had been using it everyday. I was delighted at the time saving the ingenious devise has afforded me.
It fully cuts off 3 seconds off of my previous record for banana slicing. No longer will Snuggles have to wait those precious seconds for his good behavior treat. But most importantly, no more cut fingers. I’ll forever be thankful to that mystery photographer and the 571B.
506. I SAW JESUS AND ELVIS The Dude “-Dude”
I was skeptical that the 571B would lead to spiritual enlightenment but that was the old me. After witnessing the Dalai Lama’s use of this divine technology, I began my own ethereal quest of a lifetime. I chanced to find an ancient bearded soul upon a mountain top who whispered the single spirit word to me, “amazon”. My arrival to Brazil was on a bamboo raft propelled by 7 rowing proboscis monkeys. Once in the rain forest, a member of the BororoBoe tribe expertly located this ancient apparatus for me via his smartphone. My days are bathed in the light of Victorio visions and peanut butter nanner samiches.
507. BANANAGEDDON M. Craft
This simple-looking household tool is provably a tool of dark and terrible powers. It starts off simply - you peel a banana and then slice it - but then it goes to pot! You start wondering what’ll happen if you slice more than one banana at a time, and then you start down a slippery slope that ends in wobbly pillars of mushed bananas smooched together as they got cut, like so many potassiumrich perverted tentacles.
Stay away, unless you intend to join a cult that enjoys ‘fun with fruit’.
508. A GIFT FROM GOD! N. Berard “nixie”
Praise our merciful creator for this ingenious product! For years, our church’s Sunday brunch was forced to go banana-less. After all, how could we serve a fruit of such...tempting shape in the Lord’s house? And so we began a series of bannings(banana-ins?) that would culminate in the absence of melons, kiwis and horned melon (Deacon Bailey has some odd persuasions) as well. But with the Hutzler 571 bananas will be welcome once more! Sister Mary Agnes is able to slice the licentious fruit in the toolshed, so it may pass inside through the sacristy in less offensive form. Thanks to our Divine Father for inspiring Mr. Hutzler so, and may we suggest future cutters for the various fruit mentioned above?
509. BEST FRIEND Socrates
Over the years I have tried many ways to polish my image and gain magnetic attraction factors that would expose me to meeting new people and friend making opportunities. Amway seemed promising, but hide and seek got old, becoming a Jehovah’s Witness seemed futile after finding out that the 144,000th person had already joined and took the last seat on the party bus to the celestial kingdom...the World of Warcraft mixers just made me feel like
an outsider with all of the Barbie and Ken clones that show up. I was pretty much a wallflower...until the vast amount of resources and obviosly alien imparted black physics of Victorio Kitchen Products resulted in the 571B Banana Slicer!!! I wrote a white paper showing how Tesla’s original research and inventions were heading in this direction and should he have not met an untimely death, he would have arrived at this Nirvana of eureka moments and we would not have had to wait almost 100 years to see perfection of banana slices on a plate. Tying in Bernaise’s studies and fieldwork of mass manipulation and the resulting embracing of the heretofore little known exotic tropical fruit was just icing on the...well, banana. I am now a sought after speaker addressing international forums, world bodies and, on occasion, the Pope, about the Codex Bananas. Ha! Bennie (that’s the pope, he goes by that name in his private quarters) asked me early on if I liked the red shoes or the black shoes better. Each time I see him in the red shoes I have to smile! 571B has changed my life in oh so many ways. It has given me an entirely new and wonderful life and true purpose. I was always looking for and longing for ‘friends’, but you know what? I don’t need them anymore. I have my one true, best friend, the 571B Banana Slicer!
510. DEFIANTLY AWESOME p1r8z0r
Haters gonna hate. But the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is just gonna keep on slicing bananas like it AIN’T NO THANG! So what if my wife left me? I’m banging her sister yo!
So what if I lost my job? You see these bananas all up in here son? If you in the game at all, you need this here banana slicer! And a gun. And possibly some hos. But no pimp worth his bail would be caught DOA without his Hutzler!
511. CHANGED MY LIFE... DaRyZe
This product saved my life! I was in a dark place. The kind of place that engulfs you. A place so unbearable that others refuse to follow. I had not eaten for days remembering my last attempts at slicing the banana. I say “the” banana because to me it was the only one in existence. The way it taunted me, tearing at my soul. As if to laugh at me whispering that it had won. The experience makes me shudder even now. That banana had refused to let me slice it. It withheld my attempts as if my knife was made of merely tissue paper. It glistened it’s yellowness back at me unscathed by my efforts. I had been defeated and was going down fast. The relentless banana smirked at me as I attempted repeatedly to cut even the smallest of slices. It was then in my dark kitchen that I retreated. If I couldn’t slice a banana than what could I do? My depressing thoughts were swarming around me. They were pulling me down like a mudslide bringing me deeper into my depths of banana depression. I was a failure. I had hit rock bottom. I was alone with my perfect banana still sitting on the counter as a reminder of my abilities to accomplish absolutely nothing. It was then that in desperate moment that I turned to glowing computer googling for a remedy. If not for my situation than for the cease of my misery. I had come to terms with the fact that this might indeed be the end
of my banana slicing days. Then I found a flicker of hope! Like a small ray of light streaming through a cave after being entrapped for days! Had I possibly found an answer to all of life’s meaning in one simple click? Had I found the one rope that could bring me back? Yes I had, I had found the 571B Banana Slicer! And with it, a reason to go on slicing. I can’t even explain the anticipation as I waited for this miracle 571B Banana Slicer to arrive in the mail. The hours I waited watching the mailbox. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat, but this time it was because of pure hope and anticipation. My 571B Banana Slicer finally came! I stood before the stubbornly perfect banana in my kitchen before I had even realized I’d opened the package. Holding the 571B Banana Slicer in my hand I took a deep breath and then sliced. It was more like a dream than reality. The banana retreated before my eyes falling into a perfectly sliced pile on the counter. I paused taking in the moment. I had won, banana’s were worth slicing again. I was able to slice a banana with ease and the feeling elated me. If I could accomplish this than what else was out there for me to conquer? A Banana today, an orange tomorrow and possibly even a fruit salad someday?! Think of the possibilities! This product will change the world!!
512. BANANA FEAR None of your business
This product has saved my life. I had a phobia of bananas. It’s a rare mental condition called bananaphobia. When I was a child, I saw a rotten banana in my backyard. It scared the bejeezus out of me! (Well, that might have been because of the dead body next to it, but who knows?) I continually tried to figure out a way to conquer this fear of bananas, but my therapist believed there was no cure.
Then I found the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. I then knew I would be protected from bananas. You may be wondering why I didn’t just cut the bananas up with a knife. Well, I have severe necrophobia (also a real, severe mental condition. My therapist lives off of me). It’s the fear of killing things, and I believe that the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is a humane way to slice bananas. It happens as fast as a mouse dies in a trap. Just for the record, I also have anemophobia (the fear of air), anglophobia (the fear of British people), anthropophobia (the fear of people in general), cathisophobia (the fear of sitting), coprophobia (the fear of poop), deipnophobia (the fear of having conversations at dinner), globophobia (the fear of balloons), heliophobia (the fear of the sun), hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia (fear of the number 666), kinetophobia (the fear of moving), logophobia (the fear of words), macroxenoglossophobia (the fear of long, strange words), numerophobia (the fear of numbers), and panophobia (the fear of everything). Again, my therapist makes a lot of money. Buy this product!
513. ME LIFE BE COMPLETE Rachel251
It not easy being a monkey. Me work all day in jungle. Me swing from tree to tree. Me chase intruders from nest. Me feed baby monkey. Sometimes I need break. No wine in jungle...only banana. Baby monkey’s daddy come home to nest and drop off 20 bananas. Be jealous...it ok. :) But sometimes me need helping hand. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer be just what I need! It slice like a charm and perfect size. Me Thank You Hulzler 571 Banana Slicer and Amazon.com!
Love, Monkey, Baby Monkey Daddy, Baby Monkey
514. THE 571 IS A CONTEST FOR YOUR SOUL Greenbyoo
Woe betide the frivolous consumer that doesn’t take this slicer seriously. The Hutzler 571 strikes a Faustian bargain with its users. You’ll slice the bananas and get the man, maybe win the lottery or ace your finals. But the Hutzler demands your soul as payment. There are no riddles, no fiddle contests or courtroom trials. The alien, eldritch technology, non-Euclidean geometry and fearful symmetry that is the Hutzler 571 will suck your very essence screaming into the inner slices of Fruit Hell, surrounded by the wretched shrieks of the Banana Dammed. You have been warned.
515. A SIN AGAINST NATURE Fingerfood
I will reveal one of nature’s greatest secrets. If you peel a banana and then stick your finger into the top pointy end and slide it firmly in, the banana will open into three vertical segments. This is the way the creator of the universe intended bananas to be dismembered. The price of this device is reasonable, but that’s how the military industrial complex sucks you in.
516. PRODUCT OF THE CENTURY Scooter
In addition to the obvious time and relationship saving benefits the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer brings to the kitchen it is also a valuable survival tool. On a recent business trip I suffered a traumatic banana accident involving a well oiled hotel shower door. Far from home and without convenient medical care available for my banana the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer rallied as a more than adequate survival splint preventing bruising and permanent damage to my banana until we could find a clinic that did not know me and my banana. We highly recommend the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer as the centerpiece of any disaster preparedness kit! 5 Stars!!!
517. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED leeterhosen
In the beginning, there was, nothing. Then nothing, which was ether, started to move and we had the element, air. From air came friction, and was borne fire. From the heat of the fire, the element water evaporated out and then lastly, condensed into the earth element. At some point, the periodic table of elements danced together in merriment and brought forth many forms upon the land, sea and air. Eventually, early man who then looked like a monkey, found a bone, used it as a weapon and eventually threw it into the air in a dramatic shot before a large black humming rectangle. Soon thereafter came bananas. Then the banana slicer. Welcome banana slicer. It’s a wonderful device, I’m sure it gets used somewhere in the world every day. It looks a lot like a banana, with big gaps in it.
518. AMAZING PRODUCT, GENIUS! JT “dude”
As an engineer for NASA, I’ve worked on and developed equipment for our astronauts’ use when on space missions. To put it bluntly, I came up with the vacu-toilet that sucks the crap and piss out of you so there wouldn’t be turds floating in space. I didn’t really take public credit for it as I felt it was my “duty” to help my fellow American find a way to relieve themselves in space. When I saw the Banana slicer, I thought OMG... so simple... so elegant. True Genius! Even the color indicating what fruit it slices was thought of, color and all. I wish we would have had the 571B slicer on the Apollo 13 mission. How do you think that mission went awry?... The astronaut whom I will not name directly in order to protect their honor, mishandled a common house hold knife. we use the same utensils in space as we do on earth. So.. he was slicing a banana and only making it half way through when the slip happened! The famous one!!!.. Since there was no gravity the knife flew into the air duct puncturing a whole and thus creating the predicament we are all familiar with in the history books. A 571B slicer would have prevented this from happening... it’s unfortunate it was created after the fact or maybe it was created in inspiration due to the Mission’s mishap. Why or how we have survived with out it all this time on earth is beyond me, but I bow down to the person who shared this with the world... you make a difference and for future space missions. I hope to see other models that slice maybe other types of fruit and veggies. I salute you Kitchen Gadget Creator...
- JUST SOME NASA DUDE
519. AUTISTIC? LOVE BANOFFEE PIE? Bele_nine
It’s frowned upon by my family but my best friend and life companion is Paul, Paul is an autistic Indian Elephant who believes that he is a monkey. Paul’s favourite food is Banoffee Pie (because of the whole monkey thing, it should be peanuts, everyone knows Elephants love peanuts) but because of his autism he can’t eat it unless every slice of Banana is exactly the same size. He goes crazy if the slices arent equal in thickness. I once seen him throw a pie at a heard of Wilderbeest and decapitate one of them with the crust because one of the end slices wasnt as thick as the rest, it was some scary kung fu I whitnessed that day. Anyway because I love him I have spent 100’s, Nay 1000’s, nay tens of thosands of hours in our kitchen in the jungle with a ruler, 3 scalpels and a set of scales made out of 3 coconuts, some leaves and a vine making perfectly formed Banoffee pie. I even went to medical school for 8 years to learn the art of surgery and become a master with my scalpel. l was on the verge of breaking down, every day when Paul got home from work he would demand another pie and if it wasn’t perfect he wouldn’t be able to eat it and it would all start again but then I found this product and our lives changed forever. Now every day Paul gets a prefect pie and I get my big cuddly Elephant back! Thanks Hutzler!!!
520. AUTOBOTS By Edward A. Hemmy
So me and Optimus go way back. When we were both little toy cars,we would sneak our way into dressing rooms, only to be kidnapped by children and taken back to their lairs. We would get together and plan our escapes. and they always revolved around the 571B Banana Slicer. the kids would get so excited when their parents would take out the slicer that they would let their guard down on us and we would go on epic adventures to free ourselves from their savage little paws. Then, as we got older, we began to fight a little bit and we was all “no, Megatron, You cant just kill people anymore” and i was all “come on optimus, lets just get rid of a few.” but he always sided with the weak humans because of the Victorio Slicer. so we went to their planet to “protect the people” but really it was to acquire intel about the 571B. Ever since he left, though, My life hasnt been the same. so recently i went to earth to see how he was doing with his mission. Once i arrived, i saw that he had been hoarding all the slicers for himself and had no intention of returning them to cybertron. so i decided to fight him and the whole thing got out of hand and the media go involved and they broadcasted the whole thing in theaters around the world. and cybertron’s reputation was forever tarnished, and we all blame the 571B Banana slicer entirely. so, speaking for all of Cybertron, i give this product 2 stars, for two reasons: it caused a war between my family but it is still a functional weapon.
521. WHEN MONKEYS FLY Ian R. Lynch
Not since monkeys flew from nether regions on Saturday Night Live or the most nightmarish low tech movie effects left the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle has there been a more remarkable marvel of human imagination made real. The Hutzler 517BS brings such rapturous joy to the user than no avi-simian menace can ever unsettle the unsuspecting again. Yes, it is true, the perfect discs not only are the perfect size for the mouths of flying monkeys, their shape provide the exact aerodynamics for the perfect fling, thus ensuring that in the case of attack, one no longer needs a slingshot and perfect aim to impale the invading insidious beasts. Thank you Hutzler, your creation has quite literally saved the planet from the apes.
522. BANANA DEFEATED! Patton303
Banana intimidation factors have now been reduced by 90% according to some sources. How is that even possible? Jesus? The Chinese? But it’s been confirmed. I know you say, “yeah well”.... and then you fill some more quotation marks with cliche’s about overcoming banana anxiety. Well rest assured, those days are long gone. Potassium levels are at an all time high according to my sister. Lo, I’ve seen brick walls destroyed by gusts of wind. I’ve seen whole navies decimated by budget cuts. But who........ or what...... could ever stop the mighty banana?
I think we all know the answer to that now. Don’t we?
523. AND THEN THE ANGELS SANG StormDog17
It started out as a usual Tuesday. I was just finishing up my daily habit of surfing the web, looking for sweaters for my Schnauzer, Hans. It’s been quite cold lately. I stumbled, as if by fate’s design, onto the Amazon page for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. My eyes were drawn immediately to the perfection of this incredible testament to man’s insatiable search for something better. I ordered 20 of them. When it arrived, UPS didn’t send a single truck with the package. No. They sent 5, with a police escort. Unfortunate for me, since I’m on parole. That’s a longer story. Check my review of the “Sexy Valentines Day Pink Fuzzy Furry Lovers Handcuffs” on Amazon for the details, but I don’t want to get sidetracked. A lot of people use their Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer to slice bananas. Not me. That’s too mundane for an invention that should have been sent straight down from Heaven. I have one hung, in my living room, in a frame made of 24k gold. The other 19 I have locked in a vault at a local bank in case there’s ever a fire. You can’t be too careful.
524. TARZAN Tarzan
Unngawa what product! Me buy one for Cheeta! Him love! Me now talk of jungle and Jane no stop look at my loin cloth. Tarzan
say if you want crazy monkey love from Jane in your life buy your Cheeta one this Christmas!
525. HUTZLER IS THE PRODIGAL SON? Holy Banana
What can I say? I haven’t actually got one of these YET, but I will be getting at least 5. Could Hutzler be the messiah, and this really is the end of times? I mean who else could have come up with an invention such as this without divine intervention. This modern day holy artifact is curved to the exact dimensions of a real banana. Furthermore the width intervals of the slice radials appear to be infer of the presence of the Golden ratio. What angels have been cast down to Earth, to create exalted 571 Banana Slicer factories? Do you have atheist friends? Get them one of these as a gift, then sit back smugly, and watch as a full blown catharsis will transform them into a believer right before your eyes within 5 minutes. (But be ready for a butt load of questions). This is truly a worthy kitchen utensil which will smite uncut demonic bananas into pieces. For those less than 5 stars on here, you are committing blasphemy and should adjust your review and repent. This sacred banana slicer will change the world, you only have to let it into your hearts, and homes.
526. MORE THAN JUST BANANAS Joe Moe “Bookie”
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is essential for banana lovers and for Uraguayan soccer players. While stranded with my mates from a plane crash in the Andes, I found that this device was perfect
for slicing, not only fruit as intended but also scarce bits of frozen “food” that one encounters while marooned in the icy wilderness. Portion control is very important when divvying up hard to find...meat...among friends. The device also makes a plaintive hum when the frozen winds pass through it, that is comforting and haunting all at once. I believe this device helped me survive until rescue and I always keep it with me. You never know when friends will drop in for a snack.
527. YOUR SEARCH FOR NANNER DELIGHT STOPS RIGHT MEOW Nannerlover
All my life has been full of nothing but nanner nonsense, until that one special day. I still remember it like it was yesterday, It was september 22, 2012. I was surfing through the intranet, searching for a genious device that would revolutionize my mornings, noons, and evenings, and sometimes midnights. My love for nanners isn’t like my love for appies, strawgaboos, pearbears, or garlic, it’s so much more than all that. It’s what wakes me up in the mid afternoon, it’s why I live. Seriously, I’d be done for if it wasn’t for sweet nanners. I like nanners all kinds of ways; I like nanner sauce, nanner in the nude, nannernuts, nanner jam, nannersickles... Oh boy, I’m getting hungry :) bye now
528. GREATEST INVENTION SINCE MITT ROMNEY....... Jeff Daly
introduced the ‘binders of woman.’ Now I can order my women neatly in a binder and then neatly slice a banana for them as a treat.
God, I love the USA. President Obama probably wouldn’t put Michelle in a binder or likely slice a banana for her. IMHO, that’s why we are on a ‘fiscal cliff.’
529. WORKS GREAT. ONCE Bananaless in Boston
I opened the packaging for the first time and beheld its beauty. The first time I used it, it started up great, but I ended up shorting my house’s electrical wiring. Needless to say, it caught my house on fire and I’ve been living out of my car for the past 3 months. Thank goodness I have been able to jump start the mechanism using my car’s battery. However, I must note that your car must be on for this to work. otherwise, you will end up draining all the acid out of the battery and evaporating all the gas out of the tank.
530. WIFE SAYS NO NEED FOR ME ANYMORE Billy Bob “Life Is Good”
After I gave my wife this superb slicer for her birthday, I noticed she did not seem that happy. “Give it time,” I suggested. “Okay,” she replied. After a few weeks I noticed she began bringing the slicer to bed with us. “I sleep better knowing it’s safely under my pillow,” she said. “I told you it would take some time,” I said. After a few more weeks when I asked if she wished to participate in certain wifely functions, i.e. if she would slice my banana, she excoriated me and asked me to leave the family home. “Your services are no longer needed here mister,” she said. “Whatever,” I said. In reality, I’m not that happy about being replaced by the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. Damned that slicer.
531. GOTTA GO BACK AND GET MY SLICER OF THE NANNERS Eagle
Mine went to the future and brought back a very distirbed monkey. He kept screaming he would make me bow before him. Thats when another wormhohle opened and a graying and shaking T-9 ex governor Schwarzenegger who hit me with his cain. I was praying when Marty Mcfly pulled up in the DeLorean DMC-12 and I got in and rocketed into the past.......to get back my nanner slicer!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
532. BEFORE AND AFTER Katie
This product turned my whole world upside left front. At first, my bananas were long and I couldn’t stand the thought of putting something long like that in my mouth. Now I can be at peace and slice my bananas into shapes. Please note though, this only works on bananas and not any other item which is similar shaped. I found out the hard way.
533. THIS SH$T IS BANANAS! Chiquita banana
What an amazing product......I used to walk around pondering how in the world will I get my bananas cut up without using an actual knife??! One day......bammmmmmmmm!! This product came into my life and now I realize I haven’t really lived life until now! I put the banana in the thing and seconds later, the banana is cut! I know, I
know....sounds too good to be true. I can’t wait to get this as a present to the local trailer park house wives. I am completely getting ahead of myself, but I think my popularity may sky rocket after this. The cute boy from school might even ask me out? Hopefully this product will make my parents drink less and get their lazy asses up and go to work. I think I’m gonna go to my spaceship now. FML.
534. THE BANANA SLICER IS GOOD TOO Rnod
We recently spent $2,500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that’s possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!” I don’t know what in the hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.
535. SO MUCH PROMISE, SO MUCH HYPE, SO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT James Sexton
Who knew that getting a banana slicer could be such a life-transforming event! I mean, really! I had no idea that there was an olympic event based on slicing bananas, nor that one could cure AIDS somehow (I can’t remember how that related exactly . . .),
and I was deeply impressed with the review that talked about how the company sent representatives to redesign their product! I mean, WOW! So, OK, despite the expense, I decided to give it a try. With trembling hands I unwrapped the slicer and waited . . . what would happen? Would I have an epiphany of religious significance, like Paul? Would I found a whole new religion and path to THE TRUTH, like the Buddha? Would I realize why the universe is made up of matter, and not some mix of matter and anti-matter? Would I become wiser, more enlightened, calmer, happier, more productive? I waited with great expectation . . . and yet, there it sat. And there I sat. AH! I was being stupid! I needed to actually CUT a banana for satori to come, I realized! Ah, again the anticipation. Would the enlightenment come suddenly, or would it come gradually, over many hours? Well, I would find out! And, given the glowing, amazing five star reviews, I decided that I almost certainly didn’t need to even peel the banana. This slicer would cut my banana into perfect rounds, from each of which the peel-ly husk would fall like the deluded thoughts from the bright and burning attention of the enlightened mind! This was NOT what happened, however. I simply ended up with a mushed up banana. Some small doubt crept into me at this point, and deep down I think I knew that there was no banana slicer like the banana slicer in the minds of those who had spread all this hype, this praise. But, I brushed off the doubt. Clearly, I needed to put in the work myself before the rewards would come! I peeled a second banana, lay it on the cutting board, and pushed down.
Again, I had high expectations! I looked forward to my perfectly sliced rounds of banana that would separate neatly from the slicer, falling perfectly against each other in a pristine row. And yet, it was not so. It was a bit messy! Isn’t this the POINT of a banana slicer? To avoid the mess? And, then, I noticed other things . . . like the fact that the curve of the slicer does not match the curve of a real banana! I mean, LOOK at even the product picture! The 571B has a big flat spot in the middle, but a real banana is curved the whole way. This means that the angles of the cuts of the middle rounds is OFF. Instead of being exactly perpendicular to the tangent of the edge of the round, they are at least a few degrees off of that. Then, I was stunned to realize that this stupid hyped up 571B slicer is actually JUST A PLASTIC PIECE OF JUNK. Just another stupid, useless, ineffectual gadget cluttering up your kitchen--MY kitchen, in this case. Don’t be fooled by all the five star reviews. This thing is a waste of money. If you have to get a banana slicer, I would suggest trying out the Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer . At least with that one, you can carefully line up the slicer along the tangent of the curve through the slicer and get pretty close to perfect banana rounds. Or, you know, you could just use a paring knife. Just sayin’
536. DURABLE Alexander Sexton
This thing may be advertised to only chop bananas, but don’t be fooled. This mean slicing machine will tear anything you insert into its fruiticular receptacles into tiny, edible chunks. As a test subject, I placed several gemstones into the 571 Banana Slicer. Not only were the rough stones cut to a perfect shine, but they had traces of diamond along their edges- REAL DIAMOND! Even the plain quartz crystal I used became partially diamondized due to the intense sharpness of the banana slicer’s blade.
537. NOT THE ANSWER Bornthisway
Just a little background: my name is Eve Cain and I am a in the pre-op phase of my transformation. I grew up in extreme poverty. My father was absentee, I never met him, and my mother was a crackhead. She was rarely around and I was forced to raise the rest of my 6 siblings. The only thing I could rely on to feed myself and my siblings during these hard times: bananas. They are affordable, filling, delicious, and matched the decor of our shitty one bedroom apartment. I would squeal with delight every chance I had to make bananas fosters, although we were too poor to put them on anything :( Plus, I grew up in a VERY small town (in more ways than one) so I developed a banana fetish. That being said, it goes without saying that when I saw the Vicorio 517B Banana Slicer that my mind and body spoke to me. After my hormone therapy, I spent the remainder of my meager savings on a
decent boob job and a bone-shaving session on my chin. Although I was there mentally, I didn’t have enough money to complete the physical transformation to Eve. In my previous life as Norm, I was always a handy guy, so I saw this product as my last hope, boy was I wrong. According to my surgeon in Thailand, I have created some serious issues. The doc says I no longer have enough viable tissue to create a “remotely believable vagina, even for an extremely intoxicated, desparate male” and now I can’t get my operation. My life is over, and just because I’m a crafty, do-it-yourself type of gal. I would have never been so enterprising had it not been for the Vicorio 517B Banana Slicer.
538. RECKON THEY PUT DIRECTIONS IN THERE FOR A GOOD REASON AFTER ALL ... three deep
Folks, lemme tell ya ... I done bought this here doohicky thinkin’ it might be good fer some kinda other use. Down here in the Holler, us fellers gets lonesome sometimes and what with the recession the adult book shop done picked up and left town. The ol’ ridin tractor just ain’t gonna get me down the next town, so I figger I oughta check out ol’ Amazon fer new toys. The missus is always bein stingy with her lovin and half these girls ‘round town got me figgered out, so’s I always keep me a toy er three next to my stack’a Playboys. Well, I figgered, if this here is good on a ‘nanna, she oughter work wonders on my peter. Boy howdy, that was about the dumbest idea in Creation. ‘bout skinned her clean like a trout. I got ta shoutin’ and hollerin so bad
I done set all them coonhounds down the road yowlin’ an carryin on like they done saw a whole herd’a raccoons draggin raw steak round. Well, things is healin alright on account of washin down the whole business with the leavins from ol’ pappy’s still, but even so I reckon this ain’t so good fer takin’ care of business. Jus’ use what the Good Lord gave ya, alright?
FORWARD 1. MY 27 TRAINED MONKEYS LOVE THIS L. Blankenship “Lundy Love” 2. 571B BANANA SLICER SAVED MY LIFE! Angela Hamel 3. THE WAR IS OVER tdheld77 4. THE 571B IS THE REAL DEAL pristine 5. JUST OKAY IWonder 6. ANGLE IS WRONG J. Anderson 7. NO MORE WINNING FOR YOU, MR. BANANA! SW3K 8. SAVED MY MARRIAGE Mrs Toledo 9. GREAT GIFT Uncle Pookie 10. A MILITARY ENDORSEMENT HappyHubby 11. ANGLE WAS WRONG, WAS WRONG H. Madison 12. GIVE YOUR MORNING SOME TIGER’S BLOOD vonbananaslicer 13. CONFUSING Q-Tip 14. DO YOUR RESEARCH - BUT YOU WILL END UP WITH THIS! Michael J. Maddocks 15. SUCH A TIME SAVER Lloydravn 16. KIRK CAMERON’S BANANA SLICER Noah “phup” 17. THIS PRODUCT RUINED MY LIFE Unemployed...again 18. NO INSTRUCTIONS. SO DISAPPOINTED! Smartnoggin 19. AMAZING TIME SAVER M. Hughes 20. GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By elven 21. Finally! A way to slice bananas! N. Krumpe 22. DISAPPOINTED Paul Anthony F. Brown 1 2 2 3 3 3 3 3 3 4 4 4 4 4 4 5 5 5 5 6 6 6 6 6 6 7 7 7 9 9 9 9 9 9 11 11 11 11 12 12 12 12 13 13
23. THIS BANANA SLICER GOT ME A PROMOTION! Happybanana 24. THE HUTZLER BANANA SLICER HAS MADE MY WORKING LIFE HELL! RustyCardores 25. SOLO SLICING Smirk 26. THIS PRODUCT RUINED MY MARRIAGE Doubtful Divorcee 27. A MUST HAVE FOR SINGLE WOMEN! Name “Mom” 28. WORST BANANA CADDY EVER! Adam 29. AN UNREALISTIC STANDARD... By Kemptown 30. OUTRIGHT FRAUD M. Heiss 31. PERFECT GIFT Augustinmarch 32. NOT AS GOOD AS THE 571A SLICER Colin_21 33. ALMOST PERFECT Googuse “googuse” 34. MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE Ilovebananas 35. UNABLE TO USE THIS ITEM MrWhibbley 36. May Need Suction Cups thee jadz 37. MISSING QUITE A FEW ESSENTIAL FEATURES! Emily Hall 38. THIS IS “PEE YOUR PANTS” GOOD! KRWE30 39. NO BANANAS INCLUDED? Tonyc 40. NOT TRUE Kurt 41. TIME SAVER, LIFE CHANGER Ollie 42. DIRECTIONS? Erm 43. IMPRESSIVE! roger 44. A LIFE CHANGER 5XChamps 45. LEFT HANDED HELP OkieDoke56 46. A-PEELING ALLOCATION LivingTheDream
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47. CHANGED MY LIFE, LITTERALLY! E. Zachary 48. HOLD OFF FOR THE 571C MODEL dm “danmc15” 49. WHAT A RELIEF!!! Banana Fingers 50. BUYER BEWARE! A. Pittman “Matt” 51. THE HUTZLER: A WARRIOR’S STORY Paul Pearson 52. BANANA SLICER DILEMMA AdamG 53. TO THE RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT K. Johnsrude 54. VIOLENT Artsyfartsygyrl “artsyfartsygyrl” 55. NO MORE STARES Jess 56. MISLEADING PRODUCT INFO! Branandon 57. INNOVATORS! CHANGING THE NANER INDUSTRY! Scott McIlhany 58. Humanit’y Decline A.C.W. 59. BEST WHEN PURCHASED ALONG WITH BANANA RECONSTRUCTOR Joel 60. HANDS DOWN, THE BEST ON THE MARKET! DS 61. THE SOLUTION TO HUMANITY’S GRANDEST OF CHALLENGES D.Zeder 62. NO USB CABLE! Giant 63. WORKS ABOUT HALF THE TIME P. Canniff “paul206” 64. WILL I KNOW HOW TO OPERATE IT? Scoboco 65. THIS BANANA SLICER IS MY EVERYTHING Ethan L Butler 66. It Just Needs A Little Refinement Kitchengenius 67. HOLD OFF FOR THE NEW MODEL Magilla Gorilla 68. IF ONLY ... BACK THEN Rosita Bonita 69. I USED TO CARRY A GLOCK - NOW I CAN REALLY PROTECT MYSELF! Richard H “Richard” 70. I AM GOING BATNANAS OVER HERE! Iamtheknight!
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71. WHAT MANKIND HAS BEEN WAITING FOR 45 B. Weaver 45 72. WORKS WELL, BUT DEFINITELY A LEARNING CURVE 45 Howie Duen 45 73. ONLY GOOD HALF OF THE TIME 46 David Dale 46 74. RUNTS NO MORE!!! 46 B. Mecham “Scout179” 46 75. COULDN’T BE EASIER TO USE 47 Gary Dean Walker “m2dad” 47 76. IS THIS COMPATIBLE WITH A MAC? 47 Julee Kramer 47 77. THE BEATINGS HAVE FINALLY STOPPED 47 Jon Frank 47 78. WARNING! NOT SUITABLE FOR HOME CIRCUMCISION! 48 Scott L. DO 48 79. SOLID POINT-AND-SLICE 18ER, BUT ONE SMALL NIGGLE 48 J. Hall “pubjoe” 48 80. GOING BANANAS 49 SweetTee 49 81. BIG YELLOW JOINT 50 G.M. Bluth 50 82. SAVED MY LIFE DURING “THE GREAT WAR!” 50 John Maki 50 83. THIS BANANA SLICER WORKS GREAT, BUT BE CAREFUL! 52 Rashelle Jones 52 84. NO MORE DANGEROUS BANANA SLICING, A GENIUS INVENTION! 53 Smonkeywoman 53 85. POOR SUPPORT 54 A. Benenson 54 86. OOPS! 54 princess luluchild “wanna dance” 54 87. GREAT IMPROVEMENT OVER PREVIOUS MODELS 54 thunderchicken 54 88. IN RECOVERY 55 David P. Marciniak 55 89. I WANANA A BANANA!! 55 SwellManJ 55 90. MMMM...MMMM....GOOD 56 Da Banana Lova 56 91. GAZE UPON MY SHATTERED DREAMS 57 BanaNinja 57 92. COULDN’T BE MORE PLEASED 58 Chris likes it 58 93. THIS JUST IN FROM LONDON: AMERICA WINS THE GOLD MEDAL IN BANANA SLICING 58 DancingInPDX 58 94. I HATE BANANAS 59
Argus Muckluck 59 95. MUCH SAFER THAN THE ORIGINAL MODEL 60 Nombre de Pluma 60 96. A TIME SAVER IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE! 60 proudmom 60 97. WILLING TO GIVE DR BANANA A SECOND CHANCE 61 Overthemoon 61 98. SAVED MY SANITY 61 Grateful 61 99. FIX FOR WRONG BENDING BANANAS 62 S. Torres 62 100. ANATOMICALLY CORRECT 63 Mrow 63 101. SHAKEY BUSINESS 64 Esch 64 102. MARVELOUS APPLIANCE THAT WILL REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR KITCHEN! Educated Banana Consumer 65 103. DISHWASHER SAFE MY BUTT... 66 Countrysquire 66 104. NOT FOR EVERYONE 67 Christina Martin “Carmel Sundae” 67 105. I AM NO LONGER DOOMED!! 67 Cole Enos 67 106. BE CAREFUL PEOPLE! 68 M. Cederholm 68 107. THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD SAID... 69 BAmy (Winter Garden) 69 108. ALIENS & BANANAS 70 Abby Duction 70 109. CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! 70 Christen “Hot chick” 70 110. MUST HAVE! DON’T QUESTION IT, JUST HIT BUY NOW! 71 MiniAssassin2012 71 111. GREAT PRODUCT. HORRIBLE SUPPORT AND DOCUMENTATION 72 Chris Allen 72 112. THE HIGHWAY TO **** IS PAVED WITH POORLY SLICED BANANAS 72 Memily Giraffe 72 113. THIS CHANGED MY LIFE! 72 Dapro 72 114. STOP RUINING YOUR KNIVES! THE BANANA MESSIAH IS HERE! 73 Jedi Muppet 73 115. PROGRESS 74 Med Student 74 116. THIS HAD TO BE IN THE TOP TEN MOST FANTASTIC APPLICATIONS OF INTELLIGENCE! 74 Xylophone Beggery 74 117. GREAT BANANA SLICES, BUT... 75 Bryan Jones 75
118. THE TAO OF BANANA Ken B Bartline 119. DANGEROUS! NEEDS CHILD SAFETY LOCK! Erin 120. STILL NEED HELP WITH THIS!!!! Eunectes 121. DIDN’T WORK TXfarmer 122. About perfect! Rannvá “NotManyTrees” 123. BANANA SLICER OR UNDENIABLE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD? Lisa Fairman 124. SEVERAL FALSE CLAIMS... Brian P. Monaghan “monaghan1976” 125. DO NOT USE FOR CIRCUMCISION Peter Glaser 126. MARRIAGE SAVED We Ten Sheep 127. NOT SHARP ENOUGH CurlyFries 128. COMPATIBLE WITH BANANA 5 M. rogers 129. SAVING THE LIVES OF CHILDREN EVERYWHERE FantasyFanatic 130. A GIFT FROM GOD shoebaby 131. WARNING:571B ON THE TSA PROHIBITED ITEMS LIST Leftfieldhero 132. WOODY ALLEN FIRED ME OVER THIS TOOL discordian “Hail Eris” 133. DAAAAAAAAMN SONNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Pen Name 134. THIS BANANA SLICER SECURED MY FINANCIAL FUTURE James J. Pellegrini 135. BEST INVENTION SINCE THE BREAD SLICER! Go Banana! 136. NO LONGER EMBARRASSED Woody 137. PATENT INFRINGEMENT Sean Powell 138. BASICALLY THE BEST THING EVER Bananagrams 139. BLATANT ETHNOCENTRICITY C. Guevara 140. THE BEST IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE Rick Grimes 141. A COUPLE OF MINOR WARNINGS EVula
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142. MAKE YOUR OWN AND SAVE MONEY John Kelly of Berkeley 143. I WANT MY PRE 571 LIFE BACK!! WTF 144. PARADISE LOST Pierre R. Theodore 145. YOUR PLANET IS NOW WORTH SAVING Postman “Postman” 146. TIS THE SEASON R. Coleman “Crunk Panda™” 147. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES Ander 148. PLEASE!!!!!!!! Anne Squires-Dorsey “AnneMontana” 149. LOOKS DELICIOUS, BE CAUTIOUS BDAIL “dailfonic” 150. PRODUCT CANNOT BE SHARPENED! Joshua Gross “The Reviewer” 151. SPEED KILLS Bossbanana 152. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO SLICE BANANAS WITH KNIVES C. Friedrichs “MOE - Master Of Everything” 153. SNUG AS A BUG IN THE RUG! Cletus 154. AMAZING GADGET! Monkey 155. THAT’S IT?! peeved 156. DON’T LET THE SIMPLE DESIGN FOOL YA!!!!! J.A. 157. A WORD OF CAUTION... SamSchlemiel 158. SHORT OF EXPECTATION J. D. Vandenberghe “JD VDB” 159. SIZE MATTERS L. Bobbitt 160. THEY SHOULD OFFER A ADJUSTABLE WIDTH & SIZE Jessica A. Weissenburger 161. THE REST OF THE STORY By R. Saunders 162. DON’T UNDERSTAND Andy Ross 163. IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BANANA SLICE YOU M. Khodorkovsky 164. DOESN’T WORK FOR BLUEBERRIES E. 165. THIS WAS MY TURNING POINT G. Peoples
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166. BUT WHAT ABOUT LOW-GRAVITY ENVIRONMENTS? Nick K 167. TOO FLIMSY!! DM 168. DOES NOT WORK ON HARD OBJECTS!!! The Queen of Colors 169. SO MANY MORE FEATURES THAN THE HUTZLER 570 Jocelyn Balls 170. YOU PEOPLE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! EJ 171. SAVES BREAKFAST AND SAVES LIVES Ducky McRuckles 172. A LIFE RESTORED Erica A. Fagin 173. A LITTLE DEMASCULATING Banana Lover 174. EVERYONE’S MISSING THE “A PEEL” dlynn143 175. NO MORE HARD WORK! Wustaf 176. NOT THE 571A, BUT A HANDY SLICER OF BANANAS John D. Parisi 177. WORST PRODUCT GMan 178. Almost Perfect Peter Brainard “- Average Guy” 179. TOP-NOTCH! Jae Grady 180. BANANAS ARE NOW MAGICAL TREATS mjoy61 181. SO MUCH BETTER THAN USING A NINJA THROWING STAR Ninja Emery 182. SIMPLY WOW! MyCyanide 183. INVIGORATED LIFE T. Swimmer 184. I DON’T REALLY NEED A NANA SLICER... Gerry Conway “tvhacker” 185. CAN’T USE IT Richard Zicari 186. HORRIFIED! DMB “Maximus75” 187. PERFECT WINTER GIFT! M. Madeley 188. NOT DESIGNED TO PREVENT BANANA UPRISINGS SRodriguez 189. NOT FOR ME Zdog
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190. LIFE CHANGING...BUT ONLY ONE SIZE 121 ConsumersUnite! “ConsumersUnite!” 121 191. NEEDS A LEFT-HANDED VERSION 121 Chris Kelly 121 192. LIFE CHANGING PURCHASE 122 Bananawhiz 122 193. WORKS OK BUT... 122 Monkeyfish 122 194. SLICERS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, YOU KNOW! 123 Chuck B 123 195. IMPROVED MY OVERALL OUTLOOK 123 S. Gershik “Steve” 123 196. HOW DO YOU CHANGE BATTERY??? 124 david joliette 124 197. THANKS TO THE HUTZLER 571, I CAN NOW DISCONTINUE MY MEDS! Jim Boydston “Operatenor” 124 198. A NEW LEASE ON LIFE... 125 Michael T. Hanley, CPA “small business CPA” 125 199. DOES *NOT* SLICE SIMILARLY- SHAPED OBJECTS! 126 Kristy 126 200. THIS PRODUCT IS A HOAX -- GROW UP, KID 126 JC 126 201. EXTERMINATE! 128 William F. Eddins “Ahkenaton” 128 202. EBOOK FORMAT PLEASE? 128 Ka 128 203. HUTZLER DOESN’T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATIONS 128 Just my humble opinion “Cafe Guy” 128 204. BANANA SLICING TIME SLICED IN HALF... 128 Anthony Vitale 128 205. WHAT A LIFE SAVER!!! 129 Bobra deMonkay 129 206. NO MORE FAUX ERECTIONS! 129 hypersloth 129 207. LIFE SAVER 130 Matt 130 208. A PRAYER ANSWERED 130 R. W. BELL “rbell95” 130 209. BEST THING SINCE SLICED BANANA - BUT 131 NY Guy 131 210. ANGLE IS WRONG, BUT... 131 Graham 131 211. EATING A BANANA USED TO CAUSE ME TO BACK-SLIDE ON MY EX-GAY THERAPY! 132 Robert Moon 132 212. WARNING: PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE 133 Joseph Thvedt 133 213. RIGHT PRODUCT, WRONG SHAPE 133
Steven Ottomanyi 214. DISCRIMINATES AGAINST NON-STANDARD BANANAS Rich 215. MULTI-PURPOSE PRODUCT! anna 216. THANK GOD FOR THE NEW SHAPE Jill T 217. GREAT PRODUCT BUT THEY NEED TO MAKE ONE BIGGER Noreen Hawk 218. NO MORE E.R. VISITS! Jim cotton 219. FINALLY! THE NEWER MODEL! Carolyn A. Worthen “Pet Vet” 220. COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT Cheryl Seurinck 221. NOT MAC OS COMPATIBLE, LOW BATTERY LIFE N. Frederick “Nicci” 222. FIGURED IT OUT Monte Cristo falling 223. A GAME CHANGER! Poisoned Blade 224. FINALLY! Paul Nolin Markham 225. GREAT IDEA, TERRIBLE EXECUTION Todd 226. THIS SH*T IS B A N A N A S rave24 227. SOME THINGS ARE WORTHY EVERY PENNY.... Simplyjune 228. LETS DO SOME MATH HERE Zak 229. EXCELLENT FOR BANANAS, MEDIOCRE FOR SELF DEFENSE Wrathbot “captainthenetherlands” 230. THE INVENTION OF A LIFETIME Spidey216 231. NO MORE EMERGENCY ROOM VISITS FOR ME! Lulu 232. SAVED ME FROM RUNNING Coffreak “Joan” 233. MUCH TOO SIMILAR TO THE 570 TO BE CONSIDERED A COLLECTIBLE! Busted “Tucson Kate” 235. THE SECRET TO ETERNAL LIFE... A. Caporale “DrinkArt” 236. I LOVE BANANAS AGAIN! small mouth 237. SAVED MY LAST FINGER Marie 238. PROOF THERE IS A GOD
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David V. Gulliver 239. NO LOVE FOR BUTTER? Anonymouse 240. THANK YOU FOR THIS AMAZING INVENTION! BananaGeek 241. TENNIS RACKETS WORK JUST AS WELL PacNWgrrl 242. ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT... Enthusiast 243. BANANA SLICER COULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE phillip f butchers 244. A SLICE BELOW IKEA’S Shady Ave Reader 245. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A REASON TO LIVE! Rhian Lewis 246. NOT SIZED RIGHT FOR EVERY BANANA Robert B 247. WHAT A WONDERFULLY MARVELOUS IDEA Uncle Dave 248. PUTS THE ANTIQUATED “KNIFE PLUS EFFORT” METHOD TO SHAME! Chris Forbes 249. ONE DRAWBACK punkgrl29 250. A NEW UPGRADE H. Taylor 251. MOM OF SEVEN, THIS SAVED MY LIFE... RNmommyto5 252. CLEANING WOES HRP 253. FRUIT SALAD YUMMY YUMMY Kristi 254. CAN’T USE IT Richard Zicari 255. I HAVE PROPOSED TO MY SLICER - STILL WAITING FOR ITS DECISION D. Montros 256. SO, IT’S LIKE...A BANANA SLICER? Boogie Man “stinkybooboo” 257. MISSING INSTRUCTIONS By Edward 258. BEYOND IMPRESSIVE!! Balogun 259. ORDER WHILE YOU CAN! LITIGATION PENDING MD 260. ELECTRICAL BANANA IS GONNA BE A SUDDEN CRAZE Jonathan Swiftboat 261. EASY ENOUGH FOR MY STUFFED ANIMAL COW TO USE Booticus 262. I WAS USING IT ALL WRONG......
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marksports 160 263. IGNORE THE RUMORS: THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER WAS NOT DESIGNED FOR HOT DOGS 161 Todd Ross “toddross” 161 264. EXPERIENCED 162 Dennis S. Cooley “Scotty C.” 162 265. PICKS UP HDTV AND INCREASES WIFI 162 dan 162 266. SO EASY A DOG CAN DO IT 163 RussleK 163 267. THANK YOU 571B 163 Bananasrule 163 268. LIMITED COLOR OPTIONS HOLD BACK FUNCTIONALITY 163 Murpes 163 269. TOTAL DISAPPOINTMENT! 164 Evgeny G. Mogilevski 164 270. ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME? 164 FWoodsy07 164 271. SUMERIANS ROCK! 165 Ellen Lopez 165 272. MY FINGERS ARE STRONG NOW! 165 Kevin Barrack 165 273. ALIEN TECH! 166 Oranjello Orion 166 274. ONE WEIRD QUIRK 166 JC 166 275. IT DIDN’T COME WITH DIRECTIONS! 167 LuLu 167 276. DANGEROUS! 167 Terri Dean 167 277. DOES THE JOB 168 enduna 168 278. WARNING: NOT APPROVED BY THE AMA 169 Patrick Odaniel 169 279. THE PERFECT GIFT 169 Bruce C “Bruce C” 169 280. THANKS TO THESE INGENIOUS DEVICES, I AM FREE!! 170 Thomas 170 281. DISAPPOINTED 170 Lisa 170 282. ONE SLICER TO RULE THEM ALL 171 B. Baggins 171 283. SIMPLY AMAZING 171 Michael W. Bailey 171 284. BANANAS GOTTA BE SLICED 172 rappac 172 285. IS THIS SAFE FOR WOMEN? 172 Leon Dekelbaum “process613” 172
286. THE HUTZLER 571B RUINED MY BUSINESS! shawnesty 287. FRUSTRATED M. Williams 288. OUTSTANDING SLICES! Mister Torgue 289. WHERE’S THE CATCHER? Tricia Cain 290. NOT FOR MULTIFRUIT TASKING Jeff Howe 291. I WAS HOSPITALIZED THANKS TO THIS TooMuchK/ButStillAliveThankGod 292. RATHER DISAPPOINTED AT FIRST D. Schuler “Literary Gadfly” 293. I PREFER MY BANANAS JULIENNED! D. Farry 295. WHAT? NO CRINKLE CUT? Kirby Palm “Kirbert” 296. Needs Work The Dude 297. I SURVIVED THE HUNGER GAMES Mysoulzasong 298. HUTZLER 571 SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP! Tim “habapalooza” 299. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN MY CHAINSAW... xwayne “xwayne” 300. MY PRAYERS ANSWERED P. Pfanner 301. THIS UPGRADED BANANA SLICER IS A HUGE IMPROVEMENT Sybilla Goodall 302. THE BANANA SHOULD BE PLACED HORIZONTALLY Christian E. Loza 303. SAVED MY FAMILY Mary L. 304. NO MORE VOICES! Ryan Bathke “Ryan.B” 305. WORK OF THE DEVIL Eric 306. HELPED ME WITH MY RELATIONSHIP D “Duh” 307. NO SIR, I DON’T LIKE IT J. G. Bennett 308. GOT MY KID TO STAY IN SCHOOL Kim1983 309. Product Has A Thousand Uses TechnoLady “Diane” 310. A GREAT TIME SAVER By John F. Smith
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311. BEWARE 186 Bargle “Bargle” 186 312. MATHEMATICALLY LACKING BUT EFFECTIVE 186 Bardbrain 186 313. THIS BANANA CUTTER WILL SAVE YOUR SOUL 187 Bobtheslob43 187 314. SOME KINDA CHINESE 187 anon 187 315. GAME CHANGER 188 BananaMan37 188 316. FAX PAUS, NEVER AGAIN 189 RDL 189 317. BANANA SLICER’S DARK SIDE: THE PRICE OF A SLICE 189 Another wayward fruit 189 318. RIGHT HAND CONSPIRACY 190 anon 190 319. I CAN ENJOY BANANAS AGAIN! 191 Paul Scarpelli “Rocco Vaselino” 191 320. OCD APPROVED! 192 Curtis H. Breville “Curtis” 192 321. WARNING: THE HUTZLER 571 CAUSES MILD TEMPORARY INSANITY 192 Lisa Wagner 192 322. HELICOPTER HAVOC HEADACHES RESOLVED WITH HELPFUL HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER 192 Pontius Pilot 192 323. ORANGE YOU GLAD I BOUGHT THIS BANANA SLICER? 194 Mark Twain 194 324. 57LBS -- HECK NO 195 James Lande “(or Joyce Mason)” 195 325. NO STARS FOR YOU! 195 Pete Flynn 195 326. EVERY HUMAN HOUSEHOLD MUST OWN 195 Stephen D Gast 195 327. FRUIT NINJA 196 penguin10 196 328. USEFUL, BUT NEEDS ACCESSORIES 196 Ryan W Wingo 196 329. DOOHICKEY 197 RadGallagher 197 330. GREAT TOOL FOR TOUGH MUDDERS! 197 NouveauGeek 197 331. IT’S PROBABLY MY 3RD FAVORITE BANANNA SLICER 198 Chap Gmunderson 198 332. CHANGED MY LIFE 199 A-peel-ing middle-aged man 199 333. GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD/BANANAS 200 James D. Dunham “jdunham21” 200 334. MUCH THAT ONCE WAS IS LOST FOR NONE NOW LIVE WHO REMEMBER IT
FWM “Librarian” 201 335. A MUST FOR HAND MODELS! 201 Vincent 201 336. IT COULD HAVE WON US THE WAR... 202 Ken 202 337. BETTER ONE IS COMING 202 Mark Elliott 202 338. SINNERS 203 Putrid 203 339. NANNERS AND HOT DOGS TOO! 203 BigNerd 203 340. BANANA PUDDING AND THE HUTZLER 204 P Che Tea Cher 204 341. CURED MY CANCER, SLIGHTLY REDUCED POVERTY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 205 Joss T 205 342. A GIFT FROM THE GODS! 206 jonathan Phillips 206 343. MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN HAS JOY - AND CEREAL WITH BANANAS! 206 Andrew R. Hesh “Old Softball Junkie” 206 344. A SLICE OF TIME 207 rickreflex 207 346. NOT ALL IS BLISS 208 jimmarks 208 347. BANANAS ARE A COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD FRUIT 209 Kenny E. Friedman “stumbling monk” 209 348. SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE 570!! 209 Bluenose Boy 209 349. DISCRIMATORY... 210 Don Keefhardt 210 350. NSFW OR SCHOOL! 211 The Taj 211 351. CUT DADDY DOWN TO SIZE 211 Paul Saks 211 352. CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!! 213 Karrieal 213 353. SETS THE STANDARD 213 Clayton Daylin 213 354. AN EXTENSION FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING! 214 carolyn “carolyn” 214 354. NOT JUST FOR BANANAS! SQRIRRELS LOVE IT TOO! 215 Lisa J. Szlosek “lisa” 215 355. THIS BANANA SLICER HELPED ME LOSE 176 POUNDS! 215 By Me 215 356. THE NAME IS POTENTIALLY MISLEADING 216 KMW “K” 216 357. THE HUTZLER DISCRIMINATION CONSPIRACY 216 zpask 216
358. AND WHAT ABOUT THE STRINGS? cer 359. SIZE DOES MATTER!!! obsessivecompluslive2cm 360. QUESTION... Naomi Johnson 361. THE WHOLE STORY ON A INDISPENSIBLE ITEM Davilyn Eversz 362. THERE IS NO END TO THE POSSIBILITIES!!!! J. Milbrandt 363. WAY MORE CONVENIENT NotoriousBJC 364. THIS SUCKS! Giorgia Maxxx 365. MY KIDS AREN’T EMBARRASSED OF ME! Noelle Garcia “Noelle G.” 366. NEVER GOT TO USE IT BananaBill 367. A THOUSAND AND ONE USES! Brion L. Boyles “Zardoz” 368. WARNING: CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BIG BANANAS! charlesn 369. HIDDEN COSTS Mike Kiser 370. NOT BAD Lorraine “Lorraine” 371. I AM HEALED! SJ 372. DAMN YOU VICTORIO! SCOTT 373. THE WAY OF THE FUTURE! BananaKing 374. HILARIOUS REVIEWS! Jackie 375. MORE POWER! Julia Vaughn Black 376. GREAT, BUT THERE’S MORE JCQueipo 377. DO NOT USE ON STRAWBERRIES! Jaybird 378. LIFE SAVER Starving Artist 379. CLASSIC WWII TECHNOLOGY Jack R. Tallent 380. EVERY DAY IM HUTZLIN’ bananakarenina 381. SMASHING William Tomlinson III
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382. GUYS: DON’T USE IT WHILE NAKED, OMG!!! 230 Problem Child 230 383. HISTORY IS NOW DIVIDED IN 2 CATEGORIES: BEFORE AND AFTER 571 BANANA SLICER 231 Craig C 231 384. DIDN’T WORK FOR ME 231 Bob Patin 231 385. A MULTITUDE OF USES 232 a b brooks 232 386. LIFE ALTERING 232 copyofacopy2 232 387. MY ONLINE DATING LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER! 233 A. JACK 233 388. ONE OF US IS HAPPY 233 F.Fetched 233 389. EXCELLLENT, BECAUSE I NEVER234 Tina Rowley 234 390. I BOUGHT 3 235 BananaFreak 235 391. MULTI-TALENTED SLICER 235 Harry Houck 235 392. WARNING! 236 J. Goebel 236 393. ****WARNING*** DO NOT USE AS A SEXUAL AID 236 The Cleveland Kid 236 394. PROOF JESUS DIED IN VAIN 236 Rick Thorne 236 395. BANANA SLICER 237 Was_A_GUY 237 396. THIS PRODUCT REALLY HELPS THOSE WHO MAY BE A LITTLE LOWER . . . . . Jennifer L. Lutz “Jen” 238 397. SAVED MY CHRISTMAS!!! 239 Cindy 239 398. STEVE JOB’S COULDN’T EVEN THINK OF THIS... 239 Vinnie Vegas 239 399. BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN! 240 Nanner Puss 240 400. CAREER CHANGING DEVICE 240 Tired and Cranky 240 401. ROCKAFIRE EXPLOSION!!! 241 Fats Geronimo 241 402. BANANAFESSIONAL APPROVED 242 Wow! 242 403. BANANA JAIL 242 Sheila Fisher 242 404. MINE MUST BE BROKEN 242 amanda Peterson 242 405. SAFETY GOGGLES REQUIRED? 243
John InAcworth 406. CONCEAL CARRY BANANA gocubs 407. CHEESE SLICER? GrapeApe 408. MUSH MAKER siberwolf 409. INREASE IN MY SELF-ESTEEM! chelle1618 410. AWESOME Carlo 411. CAME TO ME IN A DREAM Kvntwvlf 412. AID STATION MIRACLE Dman 413. WISH THE BATTERIES WERE REPLACEABLE Shyaporn 414. NOT AS GOOD AS THE 570 Haiku Guy 415. GINZU QUAKING Alicia 416. ORIGINAL MODEL DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE ON - BUT THEY DID! P James 417. PROBLEM SOLVED! K. Elizabeth 418. OUR NEXT GREAT LEAP FORWARD johnpatrick4 419. BOOM! George 420. WORLD-CHANGING BANANA SLICER Patricia Leonard 421. ONLY IN YELLOW? Egon 422. CONFLICTED M. Shortt 423. WORTH THE WAIT M. D. Marler 424. THIS PRODUCT SAVED ME FROM A LIFE IN PRISON! Katelyn 425. PAY EXTRA FOR THE BONUS REMOTE B. Nana 426. UPDATE FOR OS LION PLEASE! A. Toad “A. Toad” 427. PREFERRED BY MOHELS M. R. Cowdery “Mikko Cowdery” 428. A SENSIBLE KITCHEN GADGET D. Disanto 429. MODERN MARVEL
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Drizzle.John 258 430. AMAZING 259 Derek Hagey 259 431. POOP IN A PEEL 259 Biz Hyzy 259 432. BANANA DHYDRATOR 260 Nobel Prize winner 260 433. A ZOMBIE KILLER’S DREAM PRODUCT 260 Headshot 260 434. WORKS FOR BANANAS, BUT... 261 S. Winkler “online shopper” 261 435. OFF LABEL USES, THIS AINT YO DADDY’S BANANA SLICER! 261 TipTopomatic 261 436. PATENT INFRINGMENT! 262 G. Mantel “Honestly Reviewed” 262 437. IN YOUR FACE TO ZOOKEEPERS EVERYWHERE! 263 Bobo 263 438. AWESOME 263 James Mellicant 263 439. NECESSITIES 101 FOR THE RECOVERING FRUIT NINJA 263 Indi 263 440. GOING BANANAS 264 Mike S 264 441. A CAMPING MUST HAVE.... 265 Frank Cambisi 265 442. IN A WORD - YES, OH YES, YOU MUST OWN ONE OF THESE LITTLE MARVELS 265 The Pentificator 265 443. OTHER COLORS? 265 Lael Hazan “Lael Hazan @educatedpalate” 265 444. THE MOST BRILLIANT KITCHEN UTENSIL SICE THE ACME ORANGE PEELER 6000 266 Peel Master 28 266 45. THANK THE LORD 267 Irefusetobealone 267 446. TOTAL FAIL 267 S. Jehlik 267 447. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE 267 George Bluth 267 448. GIGGLES! 267 MCH 267 449. MULTIPLE USES SUCH AS PET GROOMING & CIRCUMSION! 268 William Price 268 450. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS??? 268 Peel 268 451. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, NIKOLA TESLA, THOMAS EDISON, AND NOW WHOEVER INVENTED THIS 269 Hellcat 269
452. DON’T BUY IT 269 C. Eikenhorst “makeup junkie 269 453. BETTER THAN THE NEW I PHONE 269 Mungo Jerry 269 454. THE NANNER SLICER IS MY FRIEND 270 Billy Boy 270 455. THE GREAT BANANA SLICER CONTROVERSY 270 mary mills 270 456. YOU’LL GO “BANANAS” FOR THIS SLICER! 271 anon 271 457. HORIZONTAL BANANA SLICER 271 Ransom Park “ranger keith” 271 458. AMAZING PRICE! 272 robert 272 459. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE! 272 Adam 272 460. LIFE SAVING NECESSITY!! 273 firemedic744 273 461. ALREADY OBSOLETE 273 RDS 273 462. ONLY USEFUL IF YOU ALSO PURCHASE THE HUTZLER 570 BANANA PEELER GG “gg” 274 463. GREATEST. THING. EVER! 274 DevilDawg 274 464. SUPER PRODUCT, BUT TIME TO EXPAND! 275 Shawn Hardy “Shawn Marie” 275 465. PERFECT MURDER WEAPON! 276 Betty Liu 276 466. REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT! 276 Moritz Reichelt “Moritz R” 276 467. WYOHUSKER 277 Michael R. Petersen 277 468. SAVED MY LIFE 278 Brian 278 469. THIS ITEM SAVED MY LIFE! 278 cr8zy4nanaers 278 470. SCARY GOOD AT CUTTING NANNERS 279 Nannerlover12 279 471. FIRE...BAD. SLICER......GOOD. SLICER GOOD. GOOD! 279 AMB 279 472. DOES NOTHING FOR MY ALLERGIES! 279 Rita “Rita” 279 473. PORTION CONTROLLED GENIUS 280 It’s Mania not mania 280 474. IT’S GOOD, BUT NOT AS GOOD AS THE HUTZLER 570 281 Manolo 281 475. GREAT FOR TENNIS PLAYERS! 282 L. Massaro Kauffman “neekeekee6” 282
476. WE LOVE OUR HUTZLER 571 282 Chris in Orinda 282 477. DOES NOT WORK FOR SENIORS 283 Steven “skj” 283 478. WHEN THE ENVELOPE OPENER ARRIVES I’LL LET YOU KNOW 283 Kimberly R. Stagliano “Stagmom” 283 479. MORE ME TIME 283 chris takes another piss 283 480. NOT FOR ALL TYPES OF BANANAS 284 JarjarXG “JarjarXG” 284 481. A SLICE OF THE GOOD LIFE 285 Sky 285 482. OUR DOG IS CRAZY OVER BANANAS 285 Crazyforbananas 285 483. THE GREATEST SORROW 286 S. Shoemaker 286 484. BANANA SLICER. DON’T TURN YOUR BACK 287 Chrose1201 “Chrose1201” 287 484. IT’S NOT JUST FOR BANANAS!!!! HOLY COW WHAT A GADGET! 288 Joe Bouchelle 288 485. FINALLY GOT REVENGE ON MARMAN SCHNEIDER! 288 Nestor B. Nestor 288 486. MY ATTORNEY WILL BE CONTACTING VICTORIO SHORTLY... 289 Otto F. Rohwedder, III “Baby Doc” 289 487. BANANA SLICER FIGHTS 291 GBumgarner 291 488. WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE BANANAS? 291 “Split” Foster Pudding 291 489. THEY DON’T MAKE NOTHIN’ LIKE THEY USED TO 292 L. Rizzo 292 490. DEPLOYED SOLDIER 292 Jeffrey R. Bourne 292 491. I WAS WORRIED THIS THING WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CONDITION michael f. straub 293 492. DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER 293 April Wilson 293 493. THE BANANA WARRIOR 294 A. Cox 294 494. HANDCRAFTED BY THE GODS - NO DOUBT 294 dpcinatlanta 294 495. IT’S OK BUT I WOULD LIKE IT BETTER IF THERE WERE DIFFERENT COLORS TO CHOOSE FROM SINCE YELLOW IS THE SAME COLOR AS THE BANANA PEEL Deb 295 496. WHAM BAM - THANK YOU MAM! ALSO, WORKS GREAT AS A STRING CHEESE SLICER! 295 Missy Toodles 295 497. AAAAAAA+++++++ 296 Happycamper 296
498. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND PURE.......... A road less travelled 499. LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.... avidreader 500. BEST JOBSITE COMPANION EVAR!!! Doodadz 501. BANANA REPUBLIC Large Marge Charles in Charge 502. THIS SLICER HAS BLOOD ON ITS HANDS.... OR RUNGS!!!! happy customer 503. THIS THING GAVE ME THE BUSINESS Josh Thorne 504. DO THE MATH... Louise Hawes 505. LIFE CHANGING WALK Kelly 506. I SAW JESUS AND ELVIS The Dude “-Dude” 507. BANANAGEDDON M. Craft 508. A GIFT FROM GOD! N. Berard “nixie” 509. BEST FRIEND Socrates 510. DEFIANTLY AWESOME p1r8z0r 511. CHANGED MY LIFE... DaRyZe 512. BANANA FEAR None of your business 513. ME LIFE BE COMPLETE Rachel251 514. THE 571 IS A CONTEST FOR YOUR SOUL Greenbyoo 515. A SIN AGAINST NATURE Fingerfood 516. PRODUCT OF THE CENTURY Scooter 517. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED leeterhosen 518. AMAZING PRODUCT, GENIUS! JT “dude” 519. AUTISTIC? LOVE BANOFFEE PIE? Bele_nine 520. AUTOBOTS By Edward A. Hemmy 521. WHEN MONKEYS FLY Ian R. Lynch
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522. BANANA DEFEATED! 314 Patton303 314 523. AND THEN THE ANGELS SANG 315 StormDog17 315 524. TARZAN 315 Tarzan 315 525. HUTZLER IS THE PRODIGAL SON? 316 Holy Banana 316 526. MORE THAN JUST BANANAS 316 Joe Moe “Bookie” 316 527. YOUR SEARCH FOR NANNER DELIGHT STOPS RIGHT MEOW 317 Nannerlover 317 528. GREATEST INVENTION SINCE MITT ROMNEY....... 317 Jeff Daly 317 529. WORKS GREAT. ONCE 318 Bananaless in Boston 318 530. WIFE SAYS NO NEED FOR ME ANYMORE 318 Billy Bob “Life Is Good” 318 531. GOTTA GO BACK AND GET MY SLICER OF THE NANNERS 319 Eagle 319 532. BEFORE AND AFTER 319 Katie 319 533. THIS SH$T IS BANANAS! 319 Chiquita banana 319 534. THE BANANA SLICER IS GOOD TOO 320 Rnod 320 535. SO MUCH PROMISE, SO MUCH HYPE, SO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT 320 James Sexton 320 536. DURABLE 323 Alexander Sexton 323 537. NOT THE ANSWER 323 Bornthisway 323 538. RECKON THEY PUT DIRECTIONS IN THERE FOR A GOOD REASON AFTER ALL ... three deep 324
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