Q. Why do men have their best ideas during sex? A. Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why are the letters a, b, c, d, e, and f used in bra sizes? A - almost boobs B - barely boobs C - can live with them boobs D - damn good boobs E - enormous boobs F - fake boobs A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..." A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass." A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are...

An eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you. "Yes she says : I remember it well" Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake" Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt,

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. 'What a great chest you have.' The bodybuilder tells her.' The bodybuilder tells her. 'What massive calves you have. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. the old man moves in. " That was something else. Is there some sort of secret? " No .' A young couple is out carousing one evening. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. still watching thinks. The woman replies.God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and . While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl." A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have. the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.' He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. he was going like a train. He takes off his shirt and the woman says. "If I go 100 miles an hour. The policeman. 'That's 500 kg of dynamite. he says to them. she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering. The policeman is amazed." As the couple pass. I've got to ask him what his secret is. " That was truly amazing. 'That's 500 kg of dynamite. He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment. "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. this goes on for about forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh. there's no secret " the old man says. Finally. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. the both collapse panting on the ground.' He takes off his pants and the woman says.

"How much?" She says. "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job". He agrees.If you don't mind honey. and runs to the gas station down the road. he pleads.". I want to thank you. and then says. and asks.flips the car. but the man cut him off. A man on the couch said. "Consider it done." She takes the shoe. "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. "I'm sorry Miss." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch with that and go get help.. "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband began to apologize." said the genie. "Go get help. She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job." "Fantastic!" said the husband." Harry and his wife are having hard financial times. "Actually." and runs back to Harry and asks. She gets in the car. "Come on in." She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks. "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy." "I want a house in every country in the world. She replies. so they decide that she'll become a hooker. "I'll be right back." said the genie. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. My wish is to sleep with your wife. covers herself." She runs back to Harry." said the wife. so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish. so Harry says. "it's the least I can do. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant. I haven't had sex in a really long time. She says. If you got a question." The husband looked over at his wife and said. "and now for my wish." When they opened the door. She stares at it for a minute. . He unzips his pants. She's not quite sure what to do. I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle. "Hold on. Because I've been trapped in that bottle." The wife agreed. knocked on the door and heard a voice say. "Well. "I can't. "All I got is thirty". the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up. "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies. and I'll keep last one for myself.. I'll be parked around the corner. Tell him a hundred bucks. and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'm naked. and out pops this HUGE penis. we did get a lot of money and all those houses. they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. He's too far in." "No problem. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. I don't either. "A hundred dollars. On the third tee." He says.

however. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks. he told her that he did not have any cash with him. the genie looked at the wife and asked." On the way to the office. Before bed. Upon receipt of the note. After he was through. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied. she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband. (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home Last night. Regarding the space. the apartment is indeed of regular size. And she did. "I know how to make them larger!" "How!?!?!?" she asks. calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. I found out that it had been previously occupied. Before he left in the morning. there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. First of all. "Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs. "And he still believes in genies?" A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. he regretted what he had done. that there wasn't any heat.The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir. (2) that there was plenty of heat. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" Finally he gets so annoyed that he says. and that it was entirely too large. A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. anyway?" "Twenty-five. realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her." said the wife. please don't blame the landlord. but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it." . "How old is your husband. As for the heat.

"We were baking a cake." she replied. "How did you know that?" she wonders. but it sure worked for your ass. She replied. Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you." The child told her father. "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now. come on. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. didn't it?" A young boy walked in on his parents having sex on the sofa. he already wrote the letter by hand."Well how long does it take?" she asks. One day the husband told his five year old daughter.son. They decided on the word Typewriter." he answers." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter. The next day he asked his Mom if they had baked a cake again. He asked his Mom what they were doing. "They should expand over the years. and her mom responded. "Yes". Husband: You get hot at the darnest times. "I thought so." he said. A few days later the mom told the daughter." A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter. "I dunno. "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". Wife: I can't sleep without it. returned to her mother and announced. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm Hot." I licked the frosting off of the couch. The child told her mother what her dad said. . Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long." Wife: Oh.

Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh. yes. Last week I was with one of the summer interns. and tried sticking his fingers down inside to get the pen. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open. but I told him we didn't have time for that right now. The Judge said ok. That monday the judge said to the first one how many people did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. feel for it! Husband: There! Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh. for heaven's sake. do it yourself. The judge says that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the weekend that they would be found innocent. Husband: Yes I do. He started to fiddle with it. Wife: (Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. The intern messed around with it and discovered the problem.Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate. I told him to put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it. Wife: You don't love me anymore. but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: Oh. The judge said very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain after doing drugs. A pen was stuck inside. that's fine. and we would report it to the help desk. causing it to jam. the receptionist was complaining that her printer wasn't working. I'll do it. Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. how about you he said while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500 people to stop. honey. The Judge said How in God's name did you get so many to stop. . and in the lobby. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail.

" he said. "This is my love dress. Finally her husband came home. "This is my love dress" she replied. "What are you doing?" she asked. Not understanding why. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. I got a call from one of my techs. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. and was slightly concerned. I asked him to bring the note to me. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. When she got home she undressed. On the way home she thought about the love dress. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute. he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. "Needs ironing. I left before he finished the note." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left." the daughter-in-law explained." the daughter-in-law answered. I understood why: "DONOT TOUCH PENIS INSIDE!" The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. so I wondered why not even 20 minutes later. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss. Seeing the note. so there were no males employed there.So he grabs a piece of paper and starts to write the note down. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. . A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. He said that he had found the note on the printer. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store. showered. What could possible cause a concern about a jammed printer. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. "What are you doing?" he asked.

his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams. Now his girlfriend is furious.. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. the vaseline was for the father) . she consulted the family doctor.. "OKAY. We haven't done any since." Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. but its missing a seal." When she returned. I'll go talk to my sister. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful. talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Worried the girl might become pregnant. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and. The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute. So Steve decides to have a little fun. the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. her dad is boiling. "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store. Steve remembers his motorcycle. Upon witnessing this. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.The man agreed and began by saying "this is tough for me to discuss. and it starts to rain. and her mother a little happier. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder." She tells him. He drives his new bike to her house. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying.. He finally finds one for a great price. a company car. and her mom horrified when he sits back down. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight. as her daughter was preparing for a date. where she is outside waiting for him. and adversely impact the family's status. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" (got it. but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered. Later that evening. and $3000 a month living expenses. But still there is complete silence at the table. and nobody is saying a word. until then. she said. don't say a word. but no one says a word. so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway. but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. ENOUGH ALREADY. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen. A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. her dad is obviously livid.

both of them!" One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. "OK. "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." The Mom paused and then asked her son." The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge. "Hi." They stare at him and say. "Well. They talk for a while and then the friend asks." This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. both very good looking. he says. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind. "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm. "My feet are cold. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra. why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him. One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother. why are you so curious?” Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. Torn Rubber. 'What are you in here for. "Both of them?" The father shouts back. "Yes. "That can't be!" He replies." Then he asked." "And why is my other sister called Moon child?" The mother said. There he sees his friend's daughters. "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied. ladies! Your daddy sent me here to make love with you. "Tell me. let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs. The second dog turned to him and asked. Mom.A guy stops by to visit his friend. The next week they are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle. buddy?' . "Say. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs.

.' said the second dog. Naturally. she remembers what her boss told her.' 'I know how you feel." . 'I'm having my nails clipped. The other day.and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.' Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. "I will only marry you under three conditions. 'I'm in big trouble.go fuck yourself then... expensive oriental rug... After a few minutes. 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.don't reject the guy outright. 'Well'.. However. Well.The dog looked depressed. "Good. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.. The son says "Dad can i have a drag" The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?" the son replies once more "No". I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.. the woman says to the man.Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one. First. the secretary is quite taken aback. he took me for a ride and I was so excited.' he said." The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. said the third dog. I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara. 'My owners have a beautiful. 'So she's having you put to sleep too.' The other dogs nodded in sympathy. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one?" The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?" the son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough" A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette...' said the dog. Now he's having me put to sleep.. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. 'So what are you here for?' they asked. So.. The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man" The sone then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!" and the son replies. she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. the other day. I peed on the nice leather seat..The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isnt having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket.' This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip.. They're having me put to sleep too.. huh?' 'No. I just love to go for rides in it..

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say. rather coldly. bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers. I build. As a vacation home. He looks at the woman. They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such. 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye. he nods his head and says. but her husband felt he didn't need them. the king shakes his head. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. he got this wild look in his eyes . looking really sad. the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. after what seemed like forever." Realizing that she only has one last condition. "Since I like sex.' Well. "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. finally conceded to try them on. Come into my humble shop. all the while muttering in African dialect. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet. 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Pakistani said. She squints her eyes. "Okay.The African king pauses for a while. a sure-to-work condition. 'You foreigners! Come in.' So the married couple walked in.something his wife hadn't seen in many years . the husband grabbed the Pakistani. 'You have them on the wrong feet!' . The Pakistani began screaming. and says to the woman. okay.' Well. looks at the man and says. The husband asked the man." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man. nods his head and says. I cut. "No problem! I have. I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France. I cut. Then. the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed. and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. after much badgering from his wife. Finally. ‘just try them on. The Pakistani man said to them. "Okay. I have. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel. sahib. the husband. when they passed this small sandal shop. I build. okay. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. being the sex god he was." The African king pauses for a while.

and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider." The third woman moans." The second woman moans. the fourth woman says. She does.The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts. he finally says "OK. I'm trying to get them out." Four women are sitting around after a card party.Roy Snow. "having eight inches of Snow in June?" A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson. just grip it like you do your husband's member". after she climbed up into the truck. All he wants to do is talk about it." he answered. "My husband is a psychiatrist. A few minutes go by and he asks her again. "What's your name. All he wants to do is examine it. "My husband's a mechanic. "It's Snow -. She does and they continue. I was just thinkin' what it might be like. why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road. "Hey. then he asks again. "a little wider hun"." he drawled. The instructor says. I'm June Hansen. she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. "My husband is a doctor. After that. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth. After several failed attempts to correct her. "open your legs a little wider"." A big grin on her face. "and yours?" "Me. and he has been working on it ever since. Till finally he asks again. "Can you open them just a little wider?" So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?" He says "no." ." There was a couple going at it for the first time. "My husband is a musician. and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it. They start complaining about their sex lives. "Wow that's great. The first woman moans. mister?" she inquired." she said. All he wants to do is sing to it. "Oh.

" That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. shaking her head." his mother chuckled." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. it’s Ok. felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The doctor asked. he found his wife was in bed. . I used to fool around with women a lot. "Mom. "Dad has done so much harm. After dinner. because he's not really your father. A year later he came home and very proudly announced. "Son. my wife shit on my face. "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate. it’s incest.. try startling yourself. they found themselves in the 69 position. "Dianne is your half sister too. In response. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her. "Every time I fall in love." in spite of her objections. "Not that well. I guess I'm never going to get married.. Dad tells me the girl is my half sister. "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. Dad ." he complained. I have to talk with you. the doctor said. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so . you can marry either of those girls. bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. At home.One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said. "Don't pay any attention to what he says. I'm awfully sorry about this. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. George's dad took him aside. the man went back to the doctor. he ran home to his wife.” “But Mum that’s sick. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The man. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife. "How did it go?" The man answered. naked and waiting. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. When I fired the pistol. moments later." "Ha Haa." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. All excited to try this suggestion. George. Look at your mother George." A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. As the two began.” “No… no… dear. Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June. The next day.. "Mother of Six. She and I have been married 30 years.." George was broken-hearted.

“TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute”. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks? "Well." "I do". that's definitely too much". "Well. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone. past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door." says the doctor. 'I'm having a heart attack.' cries the woman. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed. He shouted at the top of his voice.One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. sweating and panting. he answers back. there is his brother." .' yells the husband. Sure enough. 'You jerk. but that’s not all. his four-year-old son comes up and says. says the doctor. Mother of Six?" His wife. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary”. but just as he's dialling. "That's not so much". Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom. 'What's up?' he says. Father of Four!" A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. twice a day I have sex with my wife” “ TWICE a day". doctor you've gotta help me. totally naked. says the man. "Twice a day. "Anytime you're ready. "Yes. says the doctor. 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!' This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor. "Yes. "Shall we go home. cowering on the wardrobe floor. irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back. but that’s not all. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand.

"Feels terrible. "I hope you don’t mind me asking." The physician consults his handbook (Merck.. "I feel great. just great". On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Meets his best friend. "Well you look terrible"! He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking.Yes that's you. it’s done. "It says here you're a vagina!" A college professor's going to bed with his wife. singing and whistling to himself.. "Feels great.000 and feels really good about the result. "Joe. I feel great. Ten minutes later the old lady saus. "I'm not teasing you. "Kitza kitza.. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk.. no that's not you"." She says. "Well. was the reply. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question." . to which the reply is. but how old do you think I am ?" "About 35". He's not that tired. the man says happily. "I feel great." The physician replies." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. So he's reading. "OK. can't appreciate my good feelings". but everyone is telling me I look terrible...A fellow wakes up one morning.. "I’m actually 47". so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. I feel great". He spends $5. You are 47. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page. Joe looks at him and says "Jeez. of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great. honey!" She replies. Let me look this up. no that's not you". "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?" He says. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. looks terrible. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.. "I’d guess you’re 29 ?" "Nope. you do look terrible." A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. "Doc. I am actually 47". Goes down to greet his wife. "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something. and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot. looks great. looks terrible. "She's probably in a bad mood.. and tells her. you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders. She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. He’s starting to feel really good about himself. Joe and says. I will be able to tell your exact age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes. He tells the physician.

But her mother reassured her. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says. the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. while staying at her mother's house. "I was behind you in McDonalds. He'll take good care of you." A young couple was on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Maria. They went on to Vegas and got married. the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. 'I told you before we got married. Go upstairs.' says the mother.' So up she went. 'You told me it was just like a baby.' The guy replied. she was nervous. "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?" The old lady replies. If he wished to cancel the wedding. it would be okay with her. 'Yes. why did you still faint?' The girl said. The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat. it'd be fine by him. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. 'All good men have hairy chests. When she got up in the bedroom. After she came to. eight pounds and 21 inches. the guy asked. the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. 'Tony's a good man. and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding. . Several miles down the road. on her wedding night. Finally. and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. When she got upstairs.' 'Don't worry. Before getting there. 'Mama. 'Don't worry Maria. Tony's got a big hairy chest. So.' says his mother. Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard.' Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.' So up she went again. Mama.Stunned the man says.

OK. 'This is a job for Mama!' A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. Tony's got a foot-and-a-half."Bell #4. . "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Maria saw this. ready?" "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) "Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh. up she went again. The husband confused says.Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Let’s give a test run. Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs. and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes." He excitedly tells his wife.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta. Tony's a good man. "When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Mama. When she got up there." "When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." "When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.' 'Don't worry Maria. 'Mama. she ran downstairs." "When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed". Mama. Bell #4! Bell #4!". Tony took off his socks. "Honey!" he says. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. All good men have hairy legs. Triumphantly he says.' So. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. What’s that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! You are not reaching the fire!!!" A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost." "When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. Mama.' says the mother. "We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!" "When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.

but you had better pet him first. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. OK" the man said as he entered the old house. He knocks on the door and an old man answers. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man." The old Chinese man counters "OK. That night. but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man. many months without companionship. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. and while he had only been lost three weeks. The man. it had been many. when the man came down to eat (after showering). I'll be on my way tomorrow morning. the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. that night. what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well." "OK. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle"." Well. Besides. jumps out the window after the rock. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that. saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick. exhausted and hungry readily agrees." . "You probably can. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well. but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. She was an absolute pearl. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself.One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. with a beard almost down to the ground. However. the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post". "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience. "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. he thought to himself." The other man replies.

What are you taking for it?' The man looks at her and says. What kind of degenerate are you?' The man replies. points at his knee meaning "need". but he can't hear. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze. I was just trying to tell you I'm coming." I knew that. 'Oh. The man on the 1st floor knods his head. He yells down to him. so he does sign language. A few minutes pass. And in both cases. 'Pepper' (got it…pepper in the nose…sneeze & get orgasm. you're a dead man. I have an orgasm. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip. (coming upstairs with handsaw)" . The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. ma'am." What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says. The man sneezes. A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. says.) What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common? They both cost about $100. and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. 'I am sorry to have disturbed you. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The woman has finally had enough. I'm sorry. now feeling badly. and starts masturbating. They both last about 30 seconds. 'Three times you've sneezed. pulls out his penis and wipes the tip. She turns to the man and says. The woman is about to go nuts. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip. He points at his eye meaning "I". if the rubber breaks.' The woman. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. pulls down his pants. and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it.

I raised over 5000 cocks last year!' A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. He yells up to his wife. You should try that. Exasperated. "Hey. The accountant says. I got headache.A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. Let's try to rephrase that. stomachache and my legs hurt. 'OK." .THE BUSH!" Hung Chow calls work and says. That is much too crass.' 'No. then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.' The woman says.BEHIND -. "What in the friggin hell was that?" She replies. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. 'I'm a chicken farmer." The boss says.' They both think for a minute. That will never work. that is still too crude. I'll need to ask a few questions. next she points to her left breast. "What?" The man repeats his gestures. I will not come work. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. no. 'No. She first points to her eye. 'Before we begin. then she points to her butt. address and social security number and then asks. I really need you today. "You know Hung Chow.' The accountant baulks and says. "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back. and finally to her crotch. I'm a prostitute. he goes upstairs and asks her. 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?' 'Well. Try again.' The accountant asks. then the woman says. boss I will not come work today. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. I am really sick. The wife not sure and says. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.' He gets her name. 'I'm a whore. no. 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies. "What?" The man first points to his eye. "EYE--LEFT TIT -.

The woman asks the second man." Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. That night. The men agree and she gives them a room. Your tongue gets me off. She replied. "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry. When I go in. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. You fiddle with me when you're bored. I do what you say and I feel great. but only if you DON'T go into the basement!". I might cause pain. my dad is in the lollipop business . now I'm going to add you all to my collection." She asks the first man. 1. I will be at work soon. I can fill your hole. "Sure. You blow me hard.you're gonna hafta suck mine off!" Check your Dirty IQ Questions.. The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!" He smiles and says. What am I? 3. The best man always has me first. "Yeah.. I come out soft. "Boss. What am I? 4. the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement. my dad is in the lawnmoving business. only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. I'm spread before I'm eaten.Two hours later Hung Chow calls again." So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick. "Okay. I go in hard... What am I? . You got nice house." So she finds a saw and off does his dick. "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

it's news. All day long it's in and out. a wedding ring 3. you feel good. I drip. . When you blow me. a newspaper boy 8. What am I? 7. an elevator 6. wipes his chin. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. Sometimes big balls hang from me.5. I discharge loads from my shaft. When I'm not well. a crane 10. What am I? 6. you have to pay for that". Both men and women go down on me. a glove 9. I assist an erection. If I miss.chewing gum 5. What am I? 10. What am I? 8. When I come. You use your fingers to get me off. peanut butter 4. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. What am I? 9. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. I hit your bush. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. The koala finishes. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey. I come in many sizes. a nose 7. a dentist 2. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. of course! Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking? A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. What am I? Answers: 1. I'm at least 6 inches long. It's my job to stuff your box. a toothbrush. climbs off the bed and heads for the door. I'm called a big swinger. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

" he called out.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again. spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. "How do you know that?" . A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out. "Mommy. The night before the mother had shaved completely. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation." A few moments passed. I'm a prostitute". Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it!" Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. "Looks like the Andersons have company.. The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge?". takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. The boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy?". "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." Mom and Dad shot up in bed." he said. "Hey you have to pay for that. The koala shrugs. "An ambulance just drove by. All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. KOALA (n.The prostitute yells at him again. they thought. To a young boy. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. mommy I found your sponge!I was looking in Mrs.

Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?". The final test was the third day. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home." Tattoo artist: "Why?" Man: "3 reasons: 1. just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald." One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too. the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Tattoo artist: " What kind of tattoo do you want ?" Man: "I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis. The next day the parents decided to have sex. pink." The first lady says. I like to see my money grow 3. Suddenly the parrot yells out. I'm wearing blue. "Yellow. curly and straight!" They never went there again!! Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo." To test the parrot. I like to play with my money 2. blue." The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink. the next day.the startled father asked." his son replied Three women walk in a pet shop. . The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen. "white ! white ! white!" The three women are amazed. "That's funny. I âm wearing yellow underwear. all of them wore white and the parrot shouted." The third lady says "No way. the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

'Sauerkraut.' she said. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his surgery. Sauerkraut ." says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires. "alright you bastards and bitches. one without. he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. she announced that she was pregnant. watch this. and my mom is down here fucking the turkey! A doctor started having an affair with his nurse.Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. he realises she has gone without underwear.' Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby there. Despite his efforts. she took the money and went off to Germany. "shit" he said. once again their kid came in and said "whats that mean?" The mom said that was what she was doing to the turkey.' 'Just wait until I get home and I'll read it. I'll make it blow a kiss to you. to Germany. 'John. "It's very talented. I'm sorry. "It's quite alright. 'you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means.' Not knowing what else to do. my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face. put your dicks and titties in the closet. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself. then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving." . Not wanting his wife to find out. "fuck" she said. the kid said." replies the woman.' he said 'after you've had the baby just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on the back. 'Well. Shortly after their affair began.two with wieners. the doctor came home and read his postcard. "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Sauerkraut. 'But how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked. It said. Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife. Later that evening. To his delight. "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes. the kid came in.' he replied. dear. he gave the nurse a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country.

she went into the room. "Come and sit next to me. "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. Ma'am. somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words: "The more you rub it." The little old lady. the bigger it gets. for about a week. this time written about halfway across the board. "I can also make it wink. "D-do y-you haaave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" . "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned. inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard. Joe moves over and is asked. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy. she does. too?" When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Joe replies. answered. "Yy-young man." suggests the woman. she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again. Joe. the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. Finding none. patting the seat. For several days. "Does Mommy swallow it?" "If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress." came the reply. she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. yes." A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice. Every morning. honey" her mother said. dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?" The salesman. she quickly erased it and began class." "That's right. holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked." says the woman. "Good grief! Can it whistle. the mother carefully explained how babies were made. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. so she proceeded with the day's lesson. who is completely absorbed.Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The next day. she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. We do. "Uh. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

you'll have sex anywhere. Six hours later. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. I have to get up in the morning! You don't. "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed. and said. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love. Later.. heard the clock ticking in his head." "W-Wel-ll." . 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex."Well. "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well. Wiping away her tears. I only have four hours left! Could we. however. "Honey. Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. Ma'am. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say. turned to him and said. even in the kitchen. We have several that size.. Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers. we do. Paul. This is at the beginning of the marriage. "Fuck you!" 5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. so you gotta do it in the bedroom. he asked her to make love with him. you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.?" His wife sat up abruptly. Paul went to her again. anytime. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. she then asked. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes. yes Ma'am. h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" 5 Kinds Of Sex 1) The first is Smurf Sex. "Honey... now I only have 18 hours left to live. Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big. He touched Alma's shoulder and said. You've calmed down a bit. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom. This happens during the honey-moon. than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. "Listen Paul. and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. one of them does. perhaps have kids.

and a semen sample. the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars." Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." said the 60-year-old. He says. I crap every morning at 6:30. you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually. hard of hearing man. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock." said the 80-year-old. "Sixty is the worst age to be. visit his Doctor to check on his prostate problem." said the 70-year-old. you can't even crap anymore. It's too wiggly and limp to put ack in that little hole. The Doctor says "I need a urine sample. a stool sample. "Grandpa. "I need a urine sample. no problem at all. "Grandpa." The grandfather replies. "Eighty is the worst age of all. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. grabs the hair spray and runs into the house." A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard." The old man cups his ear and again asks "Ehhh?" So the wife tiptoes and yells into her husband's ear "Honey. the 60-year-old asked. "No. And most of the time." The grandfather replies. "When you're seventy. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars. you already gave me five dollars." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. You take laxatives. you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah." "Do you have trouble crapping?" "No. You always feel like you have to pee. a stool sample. the Doctor says he needs your shorts." ." The old man cups his ear and asks "Ehhh?" The Doctor repeats louder. and a semen sample. "Let me get this straight.An elderly. "I know. The little boy says. I bet I can put that worm back in that ole. The little boy sees an arthworm trying to get back into its hole. That's from your grandma. Thirty minutes later. that's nothing. not really." With great exasperation. along with his wife. "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. eat bran. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. I pee every morning at 6:00." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

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