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( you know, cold husband, i am hanging by my neck on a platform built with your hands your hands and no one elses.) search me and try me i said and he laughed, i never told you to jump but to fly and you never did get the difference, darling.
search me and find me a way to be real and a way to be love and a way to remember my name its my name and not his and i dont want anyone to see me here in the depths of the thing that we waited for. oh search me and try me oh god let me see what the hell have i done to deserve this degree of misery and cut hearted woe. oh no. you would have a king, he said quietly, and not be bound to a god you cant see and a life you cannot predict and i am the jilted lover not he said my god my god why have you forsaken he said. i was never enough for you and now you have a ruler over your head and your heart and how trustworthy is that heart who is braying in pain every day eveery day every day every day search me and try me oh god i cried out as they led me away to the gallows you built with your declarations of love and devotion but really instead it was a coffin bearing my dead hopes and all of my dreams and my laughter, a laughter that men have set fire to whole cities to hear but not you, you resent it the sound of it showing your own humorless heart for just what it is, vain and alone in its empty resentments oh i can sing now of the way you promised me here to be true. oh you did. search me and try me oh god and see that i was cowardly
yes but not for long, i found courage to love where there was no love to give. i found places of hope where desperation lived out its days and i was good as gold and i was the good wife. he looks at me now with that heat in his eye and says if we hurry we can catch the next flight and i say, oh, how i want to fly and not jump but there are children here and i have hurt them. they are mine, not yours, he said. i have them where they will find what they need to be i cant sleep i cant dream i cant run i cant see i just cry and i roll in my sleep and i feel the chains on my feet rubbing raw where i wanted to run and i cannot run only sail out of here on the wing and the prayer i came in with.