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Date: November 25, 2007 ATTN: Joel Re: Payments
We have repeatedly advised you of your long overdue balance in the amount of $
Since you have not made payment we have turned your account over to our attorneys and instructed them to commence suit without further delay. There is still time, however, to avoid suit if you contact us within the next five (5) days. This will be your final opportunity to resolve matters without the expense of court proceedings.
Date: November 27, 2009 ATTN: Life Re: Fuck You
Dear Life: I have received your final notice. However, there will continue to be no payments. While I understand that as one of your citizens I am legally obligated to pay the service fees of your program, I do not feel that I am receiving quality service. I have been held up at my grandparents house, I have been touched by a mental illness, I do not have a career, and I remain to be a student at the age of 25. On top of that, there has been a lot of rain to fall this year, and I do not like rain. For this continuous abuse and lack of oversight towards my account, I respectfully demand a compensation package for the inconveniences that I have been subject to over the years.
You have five (5) days to create and deliver an acceptable package to me. This will be your one and only opportunity to resolve matters without the expense of court proceedings.