This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
away." ~~~Tom Waits, "Pay Me" "I hate you" she screams out the open windows to the neighbors. Then she crumples to the floor in a puddle of silk and denim. The cycle repeats over and over I try hard not to notice... "Maybe I need to go to the hospital?" She questions me. As I just got out the day before against medical advice, I remain coolly silent. "I thought this is why you wanted me home, to leave the asylum early." I say through clenched teeth. "Yes!" she cries. "I love you, I need you. Please help me from myself, and keep me safe." Indifferently, I light another cigarette. I cannot stand this much longer.
Let's get you to the psych ward. "No. "They make me more comfortable. "I know the fucking number. "Let' go. I know this. tears in her eyes." My blood boils."Fine. All of it. I don't feel up to driving. I cannot stand it anymore." I snarl. let's take your car. Her. "Fine. She languidly starts flipping through the phone book." I spit at her. She picks up the phone. We ride in silence." I stand up. Us. "It is staffed by bloody social workers. grabbing the keys to her car." she says." She changes her mind. She sits. "No." I say. "Let's just go. "I want to call the Crisis Center. I know all the numbers. impatiently. there is nothing left to say." she whines at me." she says. from experience. ." I just want this over with.
talking over her. irritable. I storm the door behind her. I walk back. impatient. she is silent.I pull into the Emergency Room parking lot. until she finally emerges." . I will. while she sits in the car. "You need to see a psychiatrist. I will. I walk toward the door. I go smoke. "How about we go to the Crisis Center? It is at the other end of the building. intolerant. tentative. "They are going to call me tomorrow. I am manic..again. seething. I smolder. as I was a distraction. "I will. lip curled. I drive. She calls to me. I am made to wait outside while she is being interviewed. I wait. We get into the car. As I pull away from the lot. One after another." I practically snarl." she promises falsely. She gets out and walks to the door. not the candy-coated version she is peddling.. trying to give them reality of the situation.
almost under my breath. "I am going to get you the help you need. In an instant." I know. she suddenly realizes . I stopped at the Dunkin' Donuts to get a "dead-eye. Finally. I take a right. she receives silence as a response. I just got out of one. She pleads with me to take her home. looking for somewhere that would accept me. away from the house." I growl. She helped me when I needed her. "Where are you going?" a voice from the passenger seat asks softly. " I finally mutter barely audible. toward the highway.She says tentatively. I give her a real reply. my purpose becoming crystal in my mind. nervously awaiting my response. a million miles away. I had frequent flyer miles there. She absently fumbles with her cell phone. I knew of a place. She drove me from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia. it was my turn to help her. Now. "Great." a quad-shot of espresso in a large cup of dark roast. not far away. the sixth in seven days. "You need to be in the hospital. anger bubbling to the surface.
red and blue. because I am trying to ignore her. I drove and drove Seventeen miles with my escorts. I drove on for another two miles. He broke the handle. They put out spike strips. Another trooper pulled me out the passenger door." Silence She dials a number on her phone. I hear her talking to someone. The first cruiser. I rolled it up instead of down. . Distantly. Accidentally. A trooper approached my window. before I was forced to stop the car screaming for mercy. popping out three of my tires. I am sure to go the speed limit as his lights begin to flash. Streaks across the black Pennsylvania sky. My aim is true.what I am doing. but I barely notice. I know what I am going to do. Red and blue. red and blue. "I am being kidnapped!" The operator wants to talk to me. "Please take me home. and starts to cry. losing a shoe and my glasses in the process. pulls in behind me. I refuse. of an eventual seven. The door was locked. He responded by breaking it out.
screaming for a officer trained in mental health. for a quick teleconference with the night judge. I was taken to a cell. She is howling. solitary. even with my damaged car. "He just got out of the hospital!" "Please don't hurt him!" They pulled me to my feet. I was transferred to the prison. . via teleconference. like a monkey now. I thought I was. I felt the heavy boots kicking me. where I was to spend a week. strip-searched and given an orange jumpsuit to wear. His decision. I submitted to the handcuffs. they took away the jumpsuit and gave me a horse blanket to wrap my naked body in. a multitude of law enforcement surrounding me with guns drawn. After heated discussion. which eventually numbered twelve felonies and a few various misdemeanors. bail set at $75 000.I went limp as they dragged me across the macadam to the gravel on the side of the highway. but I refused to walk. They put me on suicide watch. a flight risk. adding the charge of resisting arrest to the laundry list. They dragged me to the cruiser. Hard knees in my back. They took me back to the barracks.
I was not allowed to make a call to my father because of my status as a suicide risk. I never said a word. lest I plunge a plastic fork in my throat. He did not want to take me back to the prison. I have had 45 electroshock treatments. I knew what to say. I have taken 33 different medications in search of one that might work. each of us in our 'baby-dolls. guardedly. So. I have played the game many times. They needed solitary for someone else. eating food with our fingers. I have been in the hospital over fifteen times in the past 25 years. . They decided to move me to another cell. some proclaimed their innocence. I started benzodiazipine withdrawal. bugs crawling beneath my skin. with the lights on. The only human contact I had. all black water and blue ruin. I was on fire. My lawyer finally got me out. wrapped in horse blankets. in my "baby-dolls" for a week before the mental health worker came to see me. Some boasted of their crimes. in an attempt to kill myself. I found myself in a room with three others.I was fed though a slot in the door. making small talk. No silverware. I spent another week and a half there. He took me to the hospital." naked. urging me to say whatever it took to get myself admitted. It is worse than heroin withdrawal. I have seen it all. I could talk to no one. Trust me. since I was not given my medication. someone more dangerous. I sat there.
I have lived with my parents. I am forced to put on a hospital gown. I lost all of my worldly possessions. I work on my faith. barefoot.I was admitted. They practice their hand-writing. rinse. and so I have. eventually. rebirth. only with the clothes on my back. I work my craft. I sank in a deep depression so I laid in bed for a week and a half while my psychiatrist mixed a psychophamceutical cocktail for me. despite my being there for a mental issue. She had evicted me. despite my ability to walk. . the proper people contacted. repeat. death. Most are not even good at that. These things take time. My father finally took me home. I am not coming back. I rode in a wheelchair to the ward. Forms need to be filled out. For the past two years. and need my help. including my two cats. So I do. I have been a Buddhist for twelve years now. The First Noble Truth is that life is suffering. I paint. Protocol. Wash. Psychiatrists don't practice medicine anymore. They are elderly. Birth. as Zen Daddy T.
I try to put the puzzle pieces back together. as Wm. I work. I am Superman. I want to do. I live the life of a monk. I do not drive. mirrored pieces by myself. but necessary. Neither do I. Today. one survives these life-changing experience intact. I am not allowed to leave the county without permission. Andrew Turman. as an advocate for mental health. I will fly. as they took my license away. He doesn't understand. If one is lucky. I want to grow. It is a daunting task.I write. . I try to explain this to my son with autism over the phone. I have had to pick up the sharp.