You are on page 1of 20

Volume 46 - Issue 17 February 13, 2013 theeyeopener.

com Since 1967

WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE & HOT, NAKED PEOPLE

SEX

LOVE AND

PHOTO: STINE DANIELLE

2

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

Playoff Action
TONIGHT, February 13th at 7:30PM Men’s Hockey vs. UQTR, Game #1 - Free for the first 500 students - 1st playoff game at the Gardens since 1996 pla Saturday, February 16th Women’s Volleyball vs McMaster at 2PM - Hosting 1st playoff game in program history Women’s & Men’s Basketball vs. U of T, at 6:00PM & 8:00PM Wilson Cup Final Four OUA Men’s Basketball Championships March 1st & 2nd, 2013 Get your tickets NOW!

$3 BEERS, $1 POP/WATER

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

NEWS

3

A number of lockers in Kerr Hall have been compromised in a string of thefts have called into question the effectiveness of lockers on campus in protecting your belongings.

PHOTO: NATALIA BALCERZAK

Thefts from lockers on campus are nothing new – but a new style of robbery has caused security to look more closely into the issue

Locker thefts prompt security investigation
By Sean Wetselaar
A recent string of locker thefts has prompted a special investigation by Intercon Security at Ryerson, and a warning by the Security Investigations Office that lockers are not as secure as some believe. Although “locker thefts have been going on forever,” according to Tanya Fermin-Poppleton, manager of security and emergency services at Ryerson, a new trend of thefts is of concern to the organization. Starting this past fall, a number of lockers have been found empty, with no sign of damage on the lock or forced entry. Students return to their locker to find the lock re-attached, but their belongings missing, security said. The thefts have been largely concentrated in Kerr Hall, one of several buildings in Ryerson to play host to numerous banks of lockers. Reports of compromised lockers with no valuables taken suggest that the thefts do not target individuals, but are mostly random, said Keith Christie, program director of the security investigations office at Intercon. The targets of the break-ins appear to be mostly electronics. One officer at Intercon has been put in charge of the investigation since the fall, though Fermin-Poppleton said that locker break-ins are always on their radar. She added that security is looking into possible connections with high school thefts in collaboration with Toronto Police and other universities, though very few still have lockers in any substantial amount. Christie said lockers are not a secure place to store valuables, especially expensive electronics. “One of the things we always try to tell [students] is don’t put your valuables in lockers,” Christie said. “The way I look at it is that it’s almost like a sense of false security to have [expensive electronics]… if your goal is to protect that with a three-dollar lock, that just doesn’t seem to go hand in hand.” Breaking into a lock is not difficult. A few minutes on YouTube can give you a quick tutorial, and some locks are so cheap a bit of force can simply pop them open. Christie advises a high quality lock, but even those have their limitations. “Seasoned criminals, if they want a way in, are always going to find a way in,” Keith said. Sidney Kanning, a second-year criminal justice student have experienced first hand of the risks involved in using lockers. “I probably wouldn’t want to leave anything valuable here,” she said. “I’ve had things stolen out of lockers before.” This is not the first time such crimes have occurred on campus. Three years ago a man was arrested for locker thefts, Christie said, and several years ago security“took investigative measures” to stop a string of thefts. “It’s a difficult case because it’s potentially more than just one person doing it,” he said. “It’s downtown Toronto. The building is accessible, there’s hundreds of lockers within Kerr Hall.” So far, no suspects have been identified.

Advertising – Media Management Alternative Dispute Resolution Event Management Fashion Management & Promotions Financial Planning Global Business Management Human Resources Management International Development Marketing Management Public Administration

Repairs neglected in student labs
By Jackie Hong
Even with the air conditioning working on the fourth floor of the George Vari Engineering and Computer Centre, it’s too warm to be able to wear even a light sweater in the graduate research lab in the north corner of the building. The enormous amount of heat coming off the computers running simulations and from the server tucked behind the back wall of ENG 402 is pushing the temperature inside to uncomfortably high levels whenever the air conditioning breaks down – and, according to frustrated students, it breaks down often. What students find more riling is the time it takes for maintenance workers to fix the problem. “They just need to reset the system, it’s the flip of a switch,” said Shaui Peker, who is currently working on his masters of applied science. “But it takes them almost a day, sometimes two [to respond]. By then, it feels like plus-30 in the lab.” Escaping the heat isn’t easy; the doors to the lab trigger an alarm if they’re open too long and there are no windows in the room to allow heat to escape, Peker added. The software that students use is only installed on the computers in that room, so relocating isn’t an option. It’s not just the cooling system, either. When the fluorescent bulb over Alaa Abdullah’s cubicle in the lab stopped working, the thirdyear PhD student in electrical and computer engineering filed a repair request. After a week of waiting, Abdullah, a licenced electrician, decided to replace to light himself. Maintenance workers didn’t show up until a month later. The Ryerson Theatre School (RTS) building also has its share of heating and repair problems. However, Peter Fleming, the RTS production and operations manager said maintenance workers respond to repair requests in good time. “We have a very a good relationship with [campus maintenance] and they accommodate us all the time,” Fleming said. “We just need to put in our requests.” He understands when some repairs take longer to respond to; while Ryerson’s campus has expanded, the size of the maintenance team has stayed the same. Adrian Williams, manager of maintenance and operations at Ryerson Campus Facilities and Sustainability, said factors like whether the parts needed for the repair are available can affect response times. “Generally we manage the workloads well,” Williams said in an email, “[But] during certain times of the year we are stretched, [like during] vacations… as the university continues to expand I’m sure we will as well.” Abdullah thinks that an understaffed team is no excuse for neglected repairs. “This [lack of staff] is not my problem,” Abdullah said. “We are students, we pay tuition... We need this service.”

10 WAYS TO LAUNCH YOUR CAREER
FIND YOUR NICHE WITH A POSTGRAD IN BUSINESS

business.humber.ca/postgrad

4

editorial

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

We will not be publishing during reading week. The next issue will be on stands on Feb. 27. Enjoy the week off — do yoga or something.
“The imaginative twists, histrionic inventions, and decorative whimsy have

Sex, love, identity and the rSU
By lee richardson
You’ve got as far as page four, which means that you’ve probably noticed that as well as the usual news section on page three, there’s a topless woman on the cover. This isn’t a usual issue. Once a year, The Eyeopener throws decency aside and digs into students’ relationships and sex lives. This year we decided to analyze issues of sexual identity, which can often be brushed off in an age of online self-promotion and hyper-commercialized social norms. I’ll leave Features Editor Sarah Del Giallo, who took the reins for this issue, to explain further on page six. While on the subject of identity, the winners of the Ryerson Students’ Union election will soon be known after polls close Wednesday at 5:30 p.m. Keep in mind that whoever wins will be representing the identities of students for the next year. If you don’t agree with RSU policies, there’s still a few hours to vote for an alternative, which is the only way to change things.

Editor-in-Chief Lee “OhMiBod” Richardson News Diana “Pleasure Periscope” Hall Sean “Prince’s Wand” Wetselaar Associate News Mohamed “Mr. Jack With Moustache” Omar Features Sarah “Electro-Sex Gloves” Del Giallo Biz and Tech Jeff “Auto Suck” Lagerquist Arts and Life Susana “The Cone” Gomez Báez Sports Charles “Orca” Vanegas Communities Shannon “Rubber Fisting Mitten” Baldwin Photo Dasha “RealDoll” Zolota Stine “Magic Dancer” Danielle Associate Photo Natalia “Handy Orgasm” Balcerzak Fun Kai “Doc Johnson” Benson

Media Lindsay “High Roller” Boeckl Online Emma “Pipedream” Prestwich John “Fun Factory” Shmuel General Manager Liane “Lucid Dream” McLarty Advertising Manager Chris “Finger Sleeve” Roberts Design Director J.D. “Boosty” Mowat Circulation Manager Megan “Teazer” Higgins Contributors Josh “Jiggle Balls” Beneteau Jacqueline “Luv Plug” Tucci Ramisha “Bullseye” Farooq Jonah “T-Rex” Brunet Jackie “Cyber Cock” Hong The Eyeopener is owned and operated by Rye Eye Publishing Inc., a non-profit corporation owned by the students of Ryerson. Contact us at 416-979-5262 or at SCC 207, or on Twitter at @theeyeopener. Correction: Last week a news article contained a misspelling of Ani Dergalstanian’s name. We apologize and shouldn’t trust the RSU’s website.

A WINNINGLY INGENUOUS AND ENERGETIC CLEVERNESS.”

Excellence is a worthy calling...
Become the teacher you’ve always wanted to be.
Applications due Feb 19, 2013 TYNDALE’S BACHELOR OF EDUCATION PROGRAM
• 100 days of classroom experience reflecting the rhythm of a school’s year • Three distinct placements • Educational leaders will be your teachers and mentors

EXCLUSIVE ENGAGEMENT STARTS FRIDAY!
Check Local Listings for Showtimes.

• Cross-curricular emphasis • Small, collaborative and diverse learning environment

416.218.6757 | 1.877.TYNDALE www.tyndale.ca/education

1/4 page 4" x 9.625"

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

NEWS

5

News Briefs
Apocalyptic snowstorm decimates campus
Ryerson charged 11,724 students with a deferral fee this year, earning the school $820,680.
PHOTO: NATALIA BALCERZAK

Deferral fees score Rye big bucks
By Ramisha Farooq
This year, Ryerson will bank more than $820,000 by charging students who are unable to pay their tuition fees at once. Ryerson, unlike several other Ontario universities, charges a $70 fee to students who split their charges into twice-yearly installments. Prior to 2009, students were unable to split tuition payments. The university slapped more than 11,000 students with deferral fees this year. Around 10,000 were charged in the 2011-12 academic year, earning the school more than $700,000. Ryerson President Sheldon Levy said the fee is meant to tide the school over financially between semesters. “The deferral fee is really an estimate of the investment lost to the university by students not paying up front,” Levy said. “If you pay all your [tuition fees] on day one, the university can put that money in the bank and invest it and make some money. That loss of money by splitting it is the deferral fee.” A monthly late fee of 1.25 per cent begins in October for students with any outstanding balance on their fall tuition at the end of September. Deferral fees apply to students with an outstanding balance on their winter tuition at the end of September. “It is important to look at when late fees start accumulating for those that do not have a deferral fee,” said Robyn Parr, assistant registrar of Enrollment Services and Student Fees at Ryerson. “The student without the deferral fee may end up paying more in late fees as a result.” At the University of Toronto (U of T) and York University, students receiving financial aid may delay paying their fees until OSAP arrives. Dana Hamilton, a first-year humanities major at U of T, is glad of her school’s policy. “Students on OSAP obviously don’t have the funds to pay extra fees,” said Hamilton. “It’s an extra strain on their education.” Ontario’s Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities declared a moratorium on both increasing and creating tuition deferral fees in March 2012.

A blizzard that hit Toronto Thursday evening shut down Ryerson’s campus Friday, leaving such staples as the Ram in the Rye and Oakham Café closed for the day. The Pitman cafeteria remained open for residence students. The school’s administrative staff took the day off as well, closing the registrar’s office and the Library. Julia Hanigsberg, vice-president administration and finance, made the call to close the school around 6 a.m. Friday.

TRSM to welcome former prime minister Paul Martin
The Ted Rogers School of Management will host former prime minister Paul Martin at its Global Issues in International Business lectures series. In collaboration with Navdeep Bains, Ryerson’s new distinguished visiting professor and former Member of Parliament for MississaugaBrampton South, the seminars will focus on international markets.

Indigenous activist led Idle No More teach-in at Rye
Clayton Thomas-Muller, of the Mathais Colomb Cree Nation, held a teach-in on indigenous rights, focuing on the environment at Thomas Lounge Thursday. Check out theeyeopener.com for the full story.

8AM classe$ are painful.
With an average student return of $1000, at least taxes are painless.*

$29.95
student pricing
& free SPC Card*
hrblock.ca | 800-HRBLOCK (472-5625)
© 2013 H&R Block Canada, Inc. *Average is based on all student returns prepared at H&R Block in Canada for 2010 tax returns. The average refund amount calculated for students was over $1,100, cannot be guaranteed and varies based on each individual tax situation. $29.95 valid for student tax preparation only. To qualify, student must present either (i) a T2202a documenting 4 or more months of full-time attendance at a college or university during the applicable tax year or (ii) a valid high school ID card. Students pay $79.99 for Complex/Premier return. Expires 12/31/2013. Valid only at participating locations. Additional fees apply. SPC cards available at participating locations in Canada only. Offers may vary, restrictions may apply. For full terms see www.spccard.ca.

FILE NAME: 12-HRB-033-BW-RF-E-2

TRIM: 10" x 7.5"

6

love & sex

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2012

Love & Sex Masthead
Managing Editor
Sarah Del Giallo

Creative Director
Lindsay Boeckl

Photography
Stine Danielle Dasha Zolota Natalia Balcerzak

Content Editors
Emma Prestwich Shannon Baldwin Jeff Lagerquist Charles Vanegas Susana Gomez Bàez Kai Benson

Models
Jessica Luong Rhiannon Joseph Ben Murphy Emma Prestwich Bogdan Dramov Shanley Maguire Shannon Baldwin Alysha Gjos Alex Wagstaff Deidter Stadnyk Megan Atkinson Tristan Simpson Cait Lusk Nathaniel Alexander Rowan Gaskill-Kennedy Jameel McNeil Stine Danielle Haley Pierce

Makeup
Photo: Natalia Balcerzak

Jillian Robinson Sarah Del Giallo

love /lʌv/ • n. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Finding the words for the bees and the birds
What are you? See, identity is a tricky thing. Understanding, and more importantly, accepting the way you are isn’t always easy. We’ve all been taught that there’s a normal way to love and a normal way to fuck. The basic, North American societal cliché states that a man meets a woman, they date for a period of time and then they get married. When they sleep together, it’s usually passionate missionary, but sometimes she’ll take a turn on top. They cuddle. They don’t cheat. They don’t even look at anyone else. They are happy and utterly ordinary. What a boring load of horseshit, eh? When we find we don’t fit into these cookie-cutter norms, we can become uncomfortable with who we are, feeling like outsiders in this very “normal” world. Sometimes people have casual sex. Sometimes, people experience love in unconventional ways. And sometimes, people have embarrassing and awkward moments that they can only look back and laugh on, wishing they’d at least been wearing pants. It seems that our strange, specific, perverse identities are the most normal thing about us. In this issue, we explore the different ways people define their sexual selves. There are those who like a touch — or a wallop — of pain with their pleasure, and those who are keeping pleasure at bay for someone special. We look at a couple’s open relationship, and how one partner had to redefine herself to be with the one she loves. And then there are people who don’t have a sex drive at all, but that doesn’t mean they want to be alone. We all have different ways of defining ourselves, and those identities aren’t set in stone. It seems the most wonderful thing about your identity is how unique and ever-changing it is. And that makes it especially incredible when you find someone who likes to love and fuck just the way you do.

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

love & sex

7

sex /seks/ • n. (chiefly with reference to people) sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse

Defining your sexual identity
Figuring out what you’re into sexually can be hard, especially when there isn’t a single answer
By Shannon Baldwin t 18, Lili Gerard had an identity crisis. When she looked into the mirror, she saw a different face — literally. Her jaw and chin had been reduced, her nose was repositioned and her braces were off. The aftermath of the reconstructive surgery had left her almost 50 pounds lighter, causing her to go from a size 14 to a size eight — a weight loss she says made her so skinny her ribs stuck out. “People… did not recognize me anymore,” says the second-year Ryerson theatre production student. Though she gained confidence from her new look, she says it also made her begin to question people. According to her, the crisis was a result of how differently others seemed to react to her after the change. was gay since the fourth grade, when his mother asked. “Because I knew my identity at such a young age, I was able to feel comfortable with myself long before I even began to think about sex,” says Wilson. “I’ve been comfortable for so long that I don’t feel the need for a relationship.” Wilson says sexual identity is not just about how you feel, but also how you feel with someone else. “Sexual identity is multi-faceted. The first part is being comfortable with orientation and the second part is to be comfortable in your own skin,” says Wilson. “It’s a developmental process.” Yet, according to sociology professor Rebecca Lock, sexual identities don’t exist. She says that there is opportunity for creativity in sexuality, but that they are a socially constructed dialogue people have made to help them coexist. “It’s hard to relate to other people without getting into the same language,” she says. And although sexual identities are a human need, Lock says that some people will never be able to define themselves within a single one. For somebody like Wilson this is hard to understand because he says his own is so well defined. “Part of me thinks people know [their sexual identity] because I did at such a young age,” he says. “But it’s hard to say. I understand people who think there isn’t an identity out there that suits them.” What he despises is when others try to label someone else’s sexual identity. Gerard agrees. She believes judgment and prejudice don’t allow room for experimenting, which can be important when one is confused. As someone who has made out with four other females, Gerard says experimentation can be just for fun; it doesn’t have to define her. “You could do more than making out,” says Gerard. “You could have sex with someone of the same sex and still be straight.” egan Atkinson, a first-year undeclared student at York, struggles with this on a daily basis as a bisexual woman. “A lot of people think that being bisexual is because people can’t make up their minds, but it’s not,” says Atkinson. “I can look past gender. When I

A

The majority of people I know haven’t seen my old face
“Guys who wouldn’t give me the [time] of day before were coming up to talk to me,” says the 19-yearold. So it clicked for her that her classmates’ only motivation to approach her was her looks. They were still the same “assholes” they had been before the surgery. Ever since, Gerard has found it difficult to trust men. Through her insecurity, she explored and experimented with sex. It would take moving to Toronto, starting university and getting to know a new group of people before she could begin to start accepting her new self.

M

I understand people who think there isn’t an identity out there that suits them
meet someone, I’m not looking at their genitals.” Atkinson’s longest relationship lasted three months and while it was with a female, she says she’s young and wants to have a chance to experiment before she settles down. “When I hear about people in university dating for six or seven years, and then it doesn’t work out, all I can think is how it was such a waste since they could’ve been spending that time discovering themselves.” While Atkinson says her mother gives her a hard time for being bisexual because “it gives her false hope” that Atkinson could end up with a man, she is confident that being bisexual is her sexual identity. But this idea of a specific sexual identity — a need for a label — still concerns Lock. “There can be something very unsettling about categories,” she says.

It’s hard to relate to other people without getting into the same language
“The majority of people I know haven’t seen my old face,” says Gerard. But not everybody has such a hard time coming to terms with their identity. Second-year journalism student Teddy Wilson had a much different experience. According to him, he knew he

PHOTO: STINE DANIELLE

8

Love & Sex

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

intimacy /'ɪntɪməsi/ • n. close familiarity or friendship; closeness

Polyamorous relationships involve more than just sex — emotional intimacy is the name of the game
By Gin Sexsmith When Lori gets ready for a date, she does her hair, her makeup, and picks out an outfit before she kisses her husband of 24 years goodnight. “We started out in the swing community, but then we found ourselves developing very close friendships with a very small group of people. I thought, ‘There’s got to be something more,’” Lori says. When she Googled the word, it was like a light bulb went off. “I was like ‘Oh my god, this is us!’ I can’t have the sex without the connection and without the feelings, emotions, and everything else that goes along with it.” Having multiple partners may sound like non-stop action, but if you’re someone who’s considering polyamory you better be ready to be emotionally invested. Polyamory literally means “many loves.” Polyamorous individuals, and couples, carry on multiple sexually and emotionally intimate relationships and gain joy from seeing a partner experience emotional satisfaction, something they refer to as “compersion.” Although some go it alone, polys tend to be couples that procure secondary relationships after they’re at a stable place in their primary relationship or marriage. The poly lifestyle is often tossed into the same boat as swinging. While both polyamory and swinging are forms of ethical non-monogamy, polyamorists have loving, deeply connected relationships with multiple people; something that doesn’t always happen in more casual, swing relationships. Because of the similar spelling, polyamory is occasionally mistaken for polygamy, which involves having more than one spouse and cohabiting, á la the Sister Wives. For this reason, some polyamorists prefer to be called “ethical lovers” or “ethical sluts.” Lori has a serious boyfriend, her only secondary relationship. Ron doesn’t have a serious secondary relationship on the go, but is casually dating. Although polyamory can be regarded as sex-centric, the time spent managing multiple relationships, talking about boundaries, differentiating between primary and secondary relationships, and supporting multiple people emotionally can vastly outweigh the knocking of boots. Maintaining a primary relationship while carrying on multiple flirtations is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s the simple things Ron isn’t as open as his wife, he says, because he’s worried about his career and the potential negative repercussions that could come from being out at work. In a lifestyle that involves so many emotions, having people to share stories with is crucial. Open Relationships for the Open Hearted is a 15-person class that’s intimate enough for attendees to have their personal questions answered, yet large enough for a good dialogue. The often sold-out workshop addresses major issues like open communication, dealing with jealousy, social stigmas, boundaries, and sharing stories on how to balance multiple relationships while still having time for yourself and your goals. “People are attracted and excited by variety,” says O’Reilly. “Many of my poly clients feel they have more support and love surrounding them that they didn’t have when they were in monogamous partnered relationships.” Hewitt agrees that variety and the amount of self-reflection and communication that comes along with it are major benefits. Ron considers himself much more introverted than his wife. He views self-discovery as the most important factor of polyamory, but says that it’s not an easy lifestyle to adopt. There can be a lot of tension. Lori agrees that it’s not easy, but could never give it up. “To me swinging is a hobby,” she says. “It’s something I can give up. Polyamory is more to me. It’s what I am.” She says that it’s given her more selfconfidence, “although I had quite a bit to begin with,” she says with a giggle. Her main issue is that the poly community is such a small world. Picture meeting someone and then finding out that they’ve slept with someone you’ve previously dated awkward, no? Hewitt says the downside is people getting involved for the wrong reasons, like using it to fix a relationship, or thinking that being polyamorous means it’s no longer possible to cheat. “It’s still possible for boundaries to be broken and people to be hurt,” she says. “It’s not a free pass to just be with anyone.” Ron says that a lot of polys realize they’ve always been this way. “Theoretically, based on the lifestyle it wasn’t about being promiscuous. It was about having those multiple loves and being able to handle it,” he says.

Polly want an open relationship?

Photo: Dasha Zolota

that can fall by the wayside — like a cozy night in as a couple. Snuggled on the couch while watching a movie, Ron and Lori cherish the time they make for each other, but the light from the computer screen beckons. There are always people who want to get to know them online.

It’s not one of those things where you can wake up and say ‘I’m going to be poly’
A connection is already developing over the Internet and it holds promise for something more. Do they leave the couch to chat with a potential secondary partner or continue cuddling? It’s a time management struggle that’s all too familiar for poly couples. “Sex plays an important role in any relationship,” says sexologist Jessica O’Reilly, “but being poly isn’t just about sleeping with multiple partners. For most people, sex is secondary to the commitment, companionship and love shared between partners. The joke in the poly community is that they spend more time talking about sex than actually having it.” Lori and Ron belong to the Toronto Poly Group, and have seen the number of members double in the last two years. The group

currently has 420 members. Jana Matthews, event manager at Oasis Aqua Lounge, has noticed more poly couples at her water-themed sex club, and has even started hosting poly-themed events. Good For Her, a quaint sex and sex-education shop on Harbord Street has also started a workshop geared towards open relationships. Lorraine Hewitt, or Coco La Crème for those who know her for her burlesque dancing, teaches Open Relationships for the Open Hearted, a small workshop geared towards solving common issues in open relationships. Although Hewitt isn’t polyamorous, she will engage in sexual relationships with different people on a casual basis but likes to have one primary partner. As a sex educator she doesn’t discuss her nonmonogamy with her family and never wants to run into her motherin-law when she’s on a date with someone other than her husband. When differentiating between forms of non-monogamy, Hewitt says it’s how an individual prioritizes his or her relationships. Deciding if non-monogamy is for you requires a lot of self-reflection. “I think in the past two years I’ve read 26 books,” says Lori. “Then when you think you’ve got enough knowledge —” “You don’t,” Ron adds, finishing her sentence.“Then it’s time to get involved with groups like Toronto Polyamory. Get out to the social

events and expand your group of friends and logic,” Lori says. “It’s not one of those things where you can just wake up one day and say ‘I’m going to be poly.’” Ron says, before pointing out the misconception that poly events involve everybody wandering off and engaging in something physical. Like so much of the poly lifestyle, it involves talking, sharing stories of common struggles, and learning from each other.

The joke in the poly community is that they spend more time talking about sex than actually having it
“Most of us are pretty intelligent and pretty emotionally and socially aware. They’re going to welcome new individuals with open arms, if they go to a couple events and say ‘That’s not for me,’ then, great. Nobody’s going to be banging on their door or sending them emails saying, ‘Hey, when are we hooking up.’” says Ron. When Lori first came out as polyamorous she figured that some of her monogamous friends would turn their backs, but was surprised when they supported her. But professionals are another story. “Your family doctor doesn’t want to hear that you have more than one sex partner,” Lori says.

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2012

love & sex

9

DTF /di ti зf/ • adj. (down to fuck) available and interested in sex

NO DESSERT FOR YOU
Why some save their first time for someone special
By Jackie Hong According to Internet wisdom, university students who are virgins are like the Bengal tiger or Javan rhino — an endangered species that’s rarely, if ever, encountered. This assumption isn’t unsupported. A study published by Statistics Canada in March 2012 found that two-thirds of 15-to-24-year-olds say they’ve had sex at least once. Contrary to popular belief, the remaining third of young adults who still carry their “V-card” aren’t necessarily socially awkward or unattractive. For some Ryerson students, the religion they follow is a powerful reason to remain chaste until marriage, and they believe the decision is ultimately a wise one. “I feel happy [about my choice]. I feel like I’m pure, like I have a clean slate,” Nusaybah Hussein, 20, a third-year early childhood education student, says. Hussein, a Muslim, says that pleasing God is the most important thing in her life. Premarital sex is explicitly forbidden in the Qur’an, and so, Hussein has no problem with saving herself. According to literal interpretations of the Qur’an and the Bible, both holy books condemn any sexual activity outside of marriage, which is why millions of believers abstain until their wedding nights. Hannah Plavnick, 21, is a fourthyear graphic communications management student and a member of the Ryerson Chinese Christian Fellowship. She thinks that marriage as it’s described in the Bible is beautiful and wants to live out her love life as God intended. “[Marriage] is about two people becoming one, and it’s the ultimate security. It’s the only way I’ll be comfortable with giving all of myself to someone, when I’m married to him,” Plavnick says. She adds she has never met a man she considered a suitable partner. She has never kissed anyone, but never doubts her decision to wait. As well as obeying God, refraining from sex has other advantages. Every year, hundreds of young Canadians are infected with sexually transmitted diseases like chlamydia and gonorrhoea, but the chances of catching either through non-sexual means are rare. Jordan Heywood, 21, a fourthyear social work student who identifies as a “follower of Christ,” thinks that abstinence actually helps his social life too. He says his female friends are more relaxed around him than other males. “They feel safer because they know I’m looking at them as a whole, not a sexual object,” Heywood says. He admits that he’s been tempted to break his chastity before, but was able to step back. However, that hasn’t always produced positive reactions from past girlfriends. “[One girl] got really offended, like, ‘I’m offering myself to you, and you turned me down, do you think I’m not attractive?’ But I talked to her about why [I said no]... My commitment to Christ compels me to use my sexuality to serve my future spouse more than I would like to serve myself now,” Heywood says. Nida Khan, 20, a third-year nutrition student and Muslim, acknowledges that everyone has sexual temptations, but serving God is more important than giving in to physical desire. For her, the best way to deal with temptation is to avoid it completely. She doesn’t flirt, and dresses modestly to ensure that nothing can escalate from a seemingly innocent encounter. Orthodox Muslims do not date, she says, and only get to know unre-

Photo: natalia Balcerzak

lated members of the opposite gender for the purpose of marriage. “I don’t feel I’m missing out, because everything’s permissible after marriage,” Khan, who was engaged in November, says. “I can still wear [a] corset and skirt, but it’ll be for my husband, just one man.” Deqa Farah, 22, Khan’s friend and a business management grad, agrees. She also finds it reassuring that spouses who wait until marriage to have sex won’t compare

each other to previous sex partners, and therefore won’t be tempted to cheat. She says, though, that even though her choice to stay a virgin puts her in the minority, she doesn’t want to be viewed as an outsider or oddity. “We’re all human. We avoid certain things, but at the end of the day, everyone wants to find that right person, and fall in love, but we do it within the bounds [of religion].”

Dating involves a lot of firsts: the first flirtation, the first date, the first kiss. Nowadays, it can start with the first message from a prospective lover. I joined OkCupid last year just after classes ended. I told people I joined because the site has an option to just look for friends, and I was lonely since my school friends had all gone home for the summer. However, I was also enjoying the freedom of no longer living at home, and all of the perks that brought. My first date was an absolute disaster. I met up with a guy who seemed normal for drinks at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday. He was already drunk and spent the night staring at my boobs. When I went to put on my sweater, he said “Aw, don’t do that. You’re taking away the best part of the conversation!” Caught like a deer in headlights and not wanting him to stiff the waitress if I stormed out, I toughed it out for the rest of the date, only to have him try to swipe his debit card in my cleavage. He still asked to come back to my apartment. It was the worst date I have ever been on, and I decided to take a break from the site for a while. I reopened my account last fall with a new goal in mind.

I found great sex on OkCupid
Haley Pierce reveals how the dating site delivers insight — and a good time
In the summer of 2009, I kissed a girl for the first time and I realized I didn’t dislike it. That’s how I began my early flirtation with bisexuality. Even though it had been a few years, I set my account to “bisexual” and tentatively began messaging girls along with guys. I felt like I was in high school again. When it comes to flirting online with men, I’m suave and practiced — but girls are unexplored territory. When Mary* first messaged me, I instantly developed a crush. She was cute and funny — with clever things to say about cats and books — and was in the same situation as I was. She was looking to explore her bisexuality. She had a boyfriend and he was fine with it, but she was nervous. We talked online for weeks, and one night, with a little liquid courage, I convinced myself to ask her out. She said yes. I was excited — but then I fucked up royally. I panicked, and made up an excuse to get out of it. Something inside me said, “No man, don’t go out with the hot girl. Just sit at home in your underwear and play Skyrim instead.” Maybe it was my brain telling me I wasn’t brave enough to explore my freaky side. In the meantime, I was still chatting with guys. I messaged John*. He was confident and suave, and within three messages, he asked me out. We met at a busy bar in the Annex and he outlined what he was looking for — nothing serious. He shamelessly flirted with me throughout the night, and I wasn’t used to it. I blushed and stuttered when he brushed my legs underneath the too-small bar table. He told me he thought my awkward responses were adorable Photo: stine danielle and invited me back to

his place for tea. While we actually did end up drinking tea, we also had sex. Great sex. I surprised myself — I’d never before in my life just “hooked up” with someone. I’d always told myself I wanted an emotional connection. With John, it was pure lust — he pushed me against his kitchen table as the kettle boiled and, yes, things got steamy. We moved to his bedroom and he took complete control. In that one night, something happened — I gained a new level of self-confidence. I’m not going to say everyone should go out and have sex with people they meet online. But for me, it was exactly what I needed to make me realize that I’m a smoing hot babe and that sex is freaking awesome. I’m still on OkCupid. I’ve talked to men 30 years my senior, couples looking for someone to form a “poly fidelity” relationship (meaning literally a three-person loving relationship), people who think my username is cool, masters looking for slaves, and of course, more girls. And maybe one day I’ll shoot Mary* another message, just to see if she’ll give me another chance. *Names have been changed.

10

Love & Sex

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

survey /sərˈveɪ/ • v. investigate the opinions or experience of a group of people by asking them questions

Let’s talk about sex, baby
The Eyeopener’s annual Love & Sex survey wanted to know how you define yourself, so we asked you. Lindsay Boeckl reports

Photo: Dasha Zolota

understand it’s bad form to start with song lyrics, but I’m going to anyway, so bear with me for a moment. In the wise words of Flight of the Conchords: “…On our next date, well you could bring your roommate, I don’t know if Stu is keen to, but if you want we could double-team you.” It’s a funny song, but If You’re Into It brings up a good point. How do you figure out your own sexuality, let alone talk to a partner about what they are into? Defining

I

your sexual identity is not something that happens overnight. And this year, we wanted to hear about your sexy selves. Every February, we ask students to tell us more about their sex lives (or lack thereof) in our Love & Sex survey. Results ranged from the kinkiest of interests to waiting for marriage, which 40 per cent of survey respondents who haven’t yet cashed in their V-card are opting for. The average age of respondents this year was 20.5. Seventy-four

per cent of you have done the deed, a sultry 69 per cent of you have had oral sex (we rounded up for that one), and only 13 per cent have tried a threesome or orgy. Doggy style was the most popular position, but at least one of you prefers the “Italian Chandelier.” According to Urban Dictionary, this position involves a girl being in a crab-walk position with a man mirroring her on top. Congratulations on all of the calories you must have burned. Forty-six percent of you said

you were most turned-off by bad odours from a variety of orifices. And 25 per cent of you would try bukkake. We’re still wondering how many of you actually know what that means. Fifty-two per cent of you have been in love. Descriptions of what being love feels like varied from “the worst feeling ever,” to “their happiness is more important than yours, and you want their genitalia pretty much 24/7.” But we thought “like lemonade” was the best way to phrase it.

The best drawings of this year’s Love & Sex survey

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

Love & Sex

11

Sexy Stats

6 15% 27% 30% 31% 91%

Average number of sexual partners

Have experimented outside of their sexual orientation

Have used a sex toy

Would try nipple clamps

Have tied up or been tied up by a partner

Would try role playing

What is your sexual orientation?
“Like a 2 on the Kinsey Scale”

Our favourite responses

How many sexual partners have you had?
“1.5 — It was kind of in?”

Why haven’t you had sex yet?
“I’m in engineering”

What are your erogenous zones?
“Mah dick”
Photos by: Natalia balcerzak, liNdsay boeckl, stiNe daNielle, aNd sarah del Giallo

12

LOVE & SEX

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2012

BDSM /bidiɛsɛm/ • n. bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism or sadism and masochism

Spank me, tie me, be inside me

The couples that love to hurt each other
By Allyssia Alleyne On Labour Day weekend, Heather Elizabeth asked her partner to kick her as they stood around a bonfire on a camping trip. “He was literally running across and taking flying kicks at me,” she explains. Granted, this was no regular camping trip. Elizabeth (her adopted surname in the bondage, discipline, sadomasochism [BDSM] community) was taking part in an annual kink festival in Maryland. And she was no stranger to intense pain. Once, she asked a partner to beat her until she could no longer stand. Another time, she let two people use her as a human tetherball. She calls it “Heather-ball.” Elizabeth, who describes herself as an “all-things-non-dominant” switch (one who can take on different roles in BDSM activities), recounts these scenes with smiles and laughter over coffee, like a friend talking about a particularly fun night out, her green eyes radiating enthusiasm. She knows it all sounds preposterous. Even to a member of the community, her masochistic play can seem a bit extreme. But there’s no one way to experience BDSM or D/s (dominant/submissive) she says. “There’s definitely a range of activities that you can partake in,” she says. “Usually, with D/s, it’s not necessarily a physical thing. We’re talking about someone who exercises power over another person, and someone who gives up power to another person. It’s a mental thing; it’s an emotional thing. Sometimes it has physical tie-ins, but not necessarily.” Though her masochistic side enjoys the occasional beatdown, she’s also partial to D/s in essay-writing, daily check-ins with her master, or following strict lifestyle regulations, like bedtimes with enforced punishments should she disobey. The overall lack of understanding about the different components of kink makes it difficult to get its nuances across. Andrea Zanin, a Toronto-based sex educator who specializes in D/s and non-monogamy, finds it’s useful to divide kink into three components: power, pain and fetish. In some instances, only one of these components may come into play, while others may incorporate any combination thereof. “It’s a misunderstanding that people within the kink community share too,” she says. “You can’t know from the outside [what’s happening in a relationship].” It’s also impossible to tell what is motivating someone to pursue BDSM. Bottoms (submissives) are stereotyped as the product of sexual assault or childhood trauma, or else meek doormats who cannot speak up for themselves. Tops (dominants) are characterized as abusers, and some consider BDSM to be inherently abusive, although the community emphasizes the importance of communication, enthusiastic consent and risk awareness. “I think it’s really hard for some people to wrap their heads around some other people’s choices, and they need an explanation that makes sense to them,” says Elizabeth. “Because who would grow up and want to set up a power structure where you willingly give up some of your agency to another person?” Fuchsia-haired Elizabeth seems to defy the meek stereotype completely. An ardent feminist and active community organizer, she also co-hosts a monthly social meet-up for young people looking to join the kink community, as well as a peer support group for subs. She first started exploring kink with a partner through games in her early 20s. Her first foray wasn’t so successful. When she tried to pin her boyfriend’s wrists and told him to beg if he wanted her to fuck him, he lectured her sternly about why her actions were inappropriate.

Photo: Stine Danielle

what I do.” But he’s also aware of the stereotypes around dominant men, misogyny and the abuse of women. He remembers having a rape victim speak to his class about her attack and its effect on her life. While he appreciated having her share her experiences, he felt ashamed when, at the end of her speech, she mentioned that anyone with thoughts about controlling or dominating women was sick, and that they should seek out professional help. “So what does a young impressionable male do when told that some of the thoughts floating around

It’s more profound than marriage because of the level of trust
Jason*, a Toronto dom and IT manager, also feels his predilection for kink is innate, not learned. He recalls having a surprisingly visceral reaction to a BDSM-themed story he read on an online bulletin board before he started high school. “I have always had a dominant personality type from a young age,” he explained in an email. “I never can leave things alone and I have a tendency to want to make [things] better and to leave my mark on in his head are wrong? In my case, do the best they can to shut it down because according to her, that is what makes up abusers and I did not want to abuse or hurt anyone without permission,” he explained in an email. Gaia Morrissette, a sex coach and educator, teaches a class at Toronto’s sex shop Come As You Are. In her experience, the roles individuals take on in BDSM relationships, and D/s specifically, don’t always correspond with their personalities in their

day-to-day-lives. Morrissette has noticed that men who are dominant in their professional lives tend to turn to submission when it comes to power exchanges. She suggests that this is because surrendering control to someone else can be rather freeing for some. Also, she believes pushing one’s boundaries and moving outside of one’s comfort zone is a way to develop as a person. “I lovingly invite you to play the other role. If you’re dominant in life, be a submissive. That way, you’ll learn and grow,” she says. “And you’ll have some crazy-ass orgasms.” But Zanin doesn’t think it’s always as simple as choosing a role to play, or turning it on and off. As a lifestyle domme to her submissive partner, she maintains a D/s power structure in their relationship at all times. “To me, it feels essential. It’s the only way to do it,” she says. “Pretending it’s not there prevents [me] from having relationships in the way that is healthiest. It’s really easy to abuse power if you pretend it’s not there.” Maintaining a healthy relationship requires constant negotiation and communication, especially around sensitive subjects like triggers, aftercare and boundaries. Even though she and her partner have been living together for

six years, she still finds that they’re constantly checking in with one another and discussing their D/s relationship, to make sure that they’re both having the best experience possible. “The bigger you want to make your relationship, the more actively you have to pursue it,” says Zanin. “You don’t just set it up and go.” Morrissette suggests that couples decide on their terms beforehand and agree to make changes whenever someone feels that the terms are not meeting their needs. “When it’s healthy, it’s a very loving and nurturing relationship,” she says. “That’s the side you never see, the side that’s never talking about. It’s more profound than marriage because of the level of trust.” For Elizabeth, that trust has led not only to deeper connections with her partners, but also with herself. “What I love about BDSM and power exchange is that it can teach you things that have nothing to do with sexuality; around bravery, around courage, around vulnerability, around knowing your own strength. And it just so happens the tool that we did that with was a beatdown.” *Name has been changed.

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

Love & Sex

13

first /fзrst/ • adj. earliest or preceding all others in time, order, or experience

PHOTO: NATALIA BALCERZAK

Learning, loving and moving on
By Rebecca Burton s the two entered the dimly lit hotel room, an intense energy ignited them to leap onto the bed, laughing and giggling. They explored every inch of each other’s bodies all throughout the night, and then knew as they lay there side-byside sweaty and naked, that they were in love. “I honestly remember basically kissing him from his head to his toes,” says Stephen Clarke*. “I can just distinctly remember that night, and then lying in bed afterwards and having that feeling of being so happy and so content.” This wasn’t Clarke’s first time or even his second, but it was the first time he’d had sex while in a serious relationship. It was a stereotypical romance. It began with with an unforeseen leap for a goodnight kiss. Then glances turn into long gazes, hands clasp each other and suddenly they’re sharing a bed. So while there are a lot of emotions poured into first relationships, this terrifying and passionate period can also hold a lot of weight in shaping a person’s perceptions of sex. Sexologist Stephen de Wit says that in an ideal world, sex would be a period of self-discovery — whether through casual sex or masturbation rather than discovery through a relationship. He says that people often try to fit into social constructs that dictate how people should have, perform and enjoy sex instead of searching for what works for them. Amy Jensen* only knew sex through her first relationship. Having lost her virginity three months into dating her then-boyfriend, she says the relationship not only matured her emotionally, but was also her introduction to experimentation.

How first relationships help students understand themselves and realize what they want from others
“We were eager to experiment because it was like diving off the deep-end. We treaded water for a little bit… then all of the sudden we jumped in,” she says. “We did it often, we did a lot of different things, and he was very accommodating to what I wanted to try.” one up at a bar has become less appealing to him — while he still has one-night stands, he often knows the person or attempts a few dates before sleeping with them. “I’ve come to the realization that it’s better to be with someone that you care about,” says Clarke. But his second relationship became the opposite of tradition hooking up everywhere from backyards, to fitting rooms at work, to the washroom at a friend’s party. Relationship columnist Jen Kirsch says relationships provide a level of comfort when experimenting because it is assumed your partner won’t judge you. “When it comes to sex, when you’re in university, you don’t want anything to get out there,” she says. “So when you’re experimenting there is a sense of trust that the partner won’t disclose this information.” First-year biology student Rowan Kennedy finds it easier to experiment with someone after she feels an emotional connection. Kennedy entered her first relationship when she was 16 and her boyfriend was 21. While he was more experienced, they still waited seven months before having sex. Having that level of comfort and openness created an atmosphere where they talked about what they enjoyed sexually. If they didn’t like something they’d try it once more. If they still hated it, they’d move on. derstanding of what she enjoys; with her next sexual partner, she says it was easier to express herself in bed. “I guess it made me open to trying new things, because we were so open to experimenting and just enjoying it, that I was open to doing that with other people,” she says. “I was never scared to sleep with other people because it would be different. I was excited for it to be different.” Kirsch says it’s often this sense of comfort that divides sex into two categories — intimate versus casual. Kirsch says there is a stereotypical difference in that intimaterelationship sex is perceived as “more passionate, caring and holds more weight.” But when you break it down one of the only major differences is that people involved in casual sex think they can never get hurt, she says. “Relationships have changed to be much more casual, but that passion still exists, especially if it’s your first. It’s hard to see it ending if you’ve never had an ending before,” Kirsch says. Kennedy admits that she was devastated when her first relationship ended. She was blindsided by the experience, and says she spiraled into panic attacks and even missed one of her final exams. Regardless of the hurt, she admits she will always be the type to crave the intimacy of loving someone. But she says there is no one right way to experience sex, be it intimate or casual. People evolve sexually, says de Wit. Although many get stuck in the repeated patterns of labeling sexual experiences, people will continue to evolve sexually throughout their entire lives if they allow themselves to do so. “There’s no right way or wrong way to have sex,” says de Wit. “Just the way you want to have sex.” *Names have been changed.

A

I was never scared to sleep with other people... I was excited for it to be different
Unlike Jensen, Clarke felt pressure to start having casual sex in high school and then had four sexual partners in first year. Sex while in a first relationship was a change for him because it was an opportunity to experience a more traditional style of intimacy, he says. The idea of picking some-

I honestly remember basically kissing him from his head to his toes
For Kennedy, she emerged from this relationship having a better un-

PHOTO: SARAH DEL GIALLO

14

Love & Sex

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

transgender /trænsˈdʒɛndər/ • adj. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender

Lost in trans(gender re)lation
By Colleen Marasigan Stefonkee Wolscht was still called Paul when she first met her wife. It was only when her then-girlfriend, Claire*, caught her eying the women’s section in a Sears catalogue that she fully opened up about her sexual identity. The next day, Claire bought Wolscht some women’s clothes. “It was nice to go on dates and be the girl — to have somebody with me, who shopped with me and who did each other’s hairs and just got to talk to.” In 1986 they got married. While Claire wore the dress at the wedding ceremony, Paul had his turn afterwards. “We brought the dress with us to the honeymoon and it fit me,” says Wolscht. “In the bedroom I was Stefonknee.” Throughout 23 years of marriage — which included seven children — Wolscht balanced life as both Paul, the auto mechanic, and Stefonknee, during dates with her wife. At 6’3”, Wolscht was sometimes questioned for her long hair and effeminate ways, and was occasionally seen wearing nail polish or eyeliner. But she says she never experienced problems in her marriage until November of 2008, when their daughter was a guest on the Maury Povich Show. The appearance was a great source of embarrassment for Claire, the principal of a local private school. “That really hurt her,” says Wolscht. “And the fact she was married to a trans person... didn’t help.” Wolscht believes that gossip surrounding their daughter, and rumours circulating within their tight-knit community of Sutton, Ont. (population 5,000) about Stefonknee’s supposed infidelity led Claire to give Stefonknee an ultimatum: stop living as a trans woman, or leave. She moved to Toronto two months later. “I did leave her for another woman,” she says. “But I am that other woman.” Wolscht isn’t the only one who struggles with relationships. Despite being a prominent member of the Toronto LGBTQ community, Susan Gapka is very guarded when it comes to letting people into her personal life. “It seems like people these days are more interested to experiment and perhaps I’m more cautious. But I’m safe and I’m healthy and I work out everyday,” says Gapka. “However, I feel sometimes I’ve been missing out on some fun.” It was a recent experience involving someone close to her that Gapka realized the value of being in a relationship. “A high profile member of our community committed suicide two days after Pride, and we found his body, and he was alone. He even looked lonely. And I don’t want to die like that,” says Gapka. “I don’t want to die alone.” Since her transition in 1999, Gapka says she hasn’t had much of a chance to get involved with anyone because of her busy schedule. While she describes her previous personality as a “player,” she feels once she had her transition she became more introverted and to herself. “I’ve always felt incredibly lonely, partly because I’m different, partly because I find it difficult to talk to other people about relationships,” she says. While her experience growing up is different from today’s trans experiences, she still understands the hesitancy to open up to someone. “There’s a reason I’m cautious and it’s because you can get hurt.” She blushes when she’s asked what her type is. She defines her ideal partner as someone who can communicate because for her communication is key. “I think it’s different now, because in my time, now at the university setting people can be themselves and come out as trans or gay at a younger age. When I was growing up people couldn’t come out and be themselves,” she says. “Trans people are just like everyone else, we want to be loved.” But while she understands there’s a possibility to get hurt, she sees that times are changing and for younger members in the trans community, it’s a little bit easier. “In a university environment there’s a ton of clubs and chances to meet new people. And there are a lot of relationships from both friendships and supports, to sexual relationships.” Blonde hair frames Wolscht’s face as she pushes through the Starbucks at the corner of Gerrard and Church streets. Filled with jitters, she scans the room for her date. Feeling selfconscious, she opted to wear pants tonight. Her date notices.

Even in a city with a large LGBTQ community like Toronto, transgender dating can be difficult
“Why aren’t you wearing a skirt?” The question catches Wolscht off guard. “When you called I thought you were asking me out on a date and I just didn’t want to blow it,” she says. Her date looks at Wolscht with a smile and says, “No, no! Next time wear a dress or skirt! You look good in them.” Sometimes it still comes as a shock to Wolscht that heterosexual women can be attracted to her. In a city much more open to her lifestyle, Wolscht says she still struggles being a trans woman. In the past eight months, she has been in three relationships. She’s also become accustomed to various advances from other women, especially from her experience in a Toronto women’s shelter. “I remember this one girl and I turned to her and asked, “Do you think Janice is flirting with me?” and she slapped me and was like ‘I’ve been flirting with you for months and you haven’t even noticed,’” Wolscht says. Wolscht says she tends to attract mostly heterosexual women, but would prefer to be in a lesbian relationship. “I would like to have a real relationship with a woman who is attracted to women. In my last relationships, they were attracted to me because I was an effeminate man, so they would want me to stay a man,” says Wolscht. “If I were to get a lesbian girlfriend we could be a female couple.” Wolscht applied for Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) in 2010, but was deemed an inapplicable candidate for the operation. She hopes in the near future she’ll be able to undergo the physical transformation, and is currently taking anti-androgens, or testosterone blockers. These in turn have enhanced her upper body, prompting her to recall a time when a classmate at George Brown complimented her now-D-cup breasts. “I wore this dress to class one day, and she’s just staring at them,” says Wolscht. “She just goes and gestures her hand at them and says, ‘They’re looking really good.’” While Wolscht says that situation was awkward, she’s gotten used to — and even embraces — the extra attention. And though she carries the memories of her life as Paul, Wolscht will be going out as Stefonknee, and only Stefonknee. And she couldn’t be happier. *Name has been changed.

PHOTO: DASHA ZOLOTA

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

LOVE & SEX

15

flexible /'fleksəbəl/ • adj. 1 Capable of bending easily 2 Able to be easily modified to respond to altered circumstances

It’s just better when they’re flexible
Sometimes love and sex can’t align perfectly, but one Ryerson couple still makes it work for them
By Susana Gómez Báez he first time Clara Smythe* knew she liked a girl was in kindergarten. She remembers Isabella’s pretty dresses, shiny black hair and glowing olive complexion. “She was beautiful,” Smythe says. “I wanted to kiss her.” It was then that Smythe knew she was a lesbian, and this is how she identified for the next 16 years — until she fell in love with a boy. Smythe and David Fitzgerald*, both fourth-year Ryerson students, met casually over the summer of 2011, when he needed help with a project. “We met out for a beer and we became friends and we hit it off,” Smythe, 22, says. Surprisingly, she was attracted to him and he had spent months wanting to sleep with her. What started as a sexual relationship grew into friendship and eventually, Smythe felt emotionally attached to him. “I was still sleeping with other girls when I first started hanging out with him,” she says. “But then it just became the kind of thing where — it’s so kitschy and cliché — but I just want to eat frosting out of the can with [him] on the couch and watch Netflix and just that stuff that I don’t really care about doing with someone I’m not in love with.” So she had to redefine her sexuality to make room for him. “It really threw my identity into question,” she says. “I don’t want to negate my relationship with him. When I started dating him, I still identified as a lesbian but… I can’t say I’m a lesbian if I’m dating a boy.” However, admitting she was bisexual meant entering a sea of scrutiny. Her parents had only known she was a lesbian for just over a year. “I’ve already come out once, so [my mother] can’t accept the fact that I like both because her thing is: you either like one or the other,” Smythe says. “Biphobia is so rampant amongst straight people and the queer community. You’re labeled a slut, sex-crazed, and greedy.” Her parents think Fitzgerald is just Smythe’s best friend. She says explaining the reality to them would be difficult because she herself does not understand it — she’s still into girls most of the time. “I’m not attracted to guys other than him,” she says. “He’s like this one in a million crapshoot. And if for some reason we did break up, I don’t think I’d ever date guys

T

Photo: Dasha Zolota

again.” But that’s not the only thing that makes telling other people complicated — it’s also an open relationship. This can sometimes be a problem for many couples, but for them it was easy. They didn’t have to talk about the boundaries of an open relationship because their own had started so casually. They had begun calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend only because they grew feelings for one another, but the sex on the side with other people continued. “Just because [he] loves me and I love [him] and we love being together and sleeping together doesn’t mean that we can’t also enjoy sleeping with other people. It doesn’t make us love each other any less. It’s only sex,” she says. “My rationale was — if I can be crude — I don’t have a magical vagina that makes [him] only want to sleep with me for the rest of [his] life.”

For her, this is a way to be with women, to whom she is still physically attracted. “Dicks and balls are awful. Look at a naked girl and look at a naked guy,” she says. “Girls are leaps and bounds better.” But Fitzgerald seems to take advantage of their arrangement much less than Smythe. “We agreed that love and sex aren’t the same thing,” he says. “I’m not much of a pursuer so it’s not my thing. But I like knowing that I can.” He says despite what others may think, he has no problem with their arrangement. “A lot of people ask me if it would be different if she hooked up with guys. But if it’s okay for her to sleep with girls, it’s okay for her to sleep with guys. Or pigs. Or whatever happens to fall onto her lap,” he says. “I also don’t fetishize it. Guys assume it’s a great, sexy thing. But it’s totally nothing.”

Of course, with an unconventional relationship come unconventional problems. “I spent a whole semester wanting to bang [a girl he had slept with],” Smythe says. “That was a fun thing we laugh at.” Although it was funny at first, Smythe broke down crying drunkenly at a party after Fitzgerald had been spending time with the girl. “I guess I thought she was pretty neat so I figured he must think she’s pretty neat too,” Smythe says. She blames the alcohol for her tantrum though. “I’m sure if I were having sex with this girl still, she wouldn’t care,” Fitzgerald says. “But I think she thought I was still emotionally attached to her.” So far, that’s been their only major fight. And according to Smythe, it’s thanks to how well they communicate. “The main thing is we talk about everything and I feel that’s where

a lot of monogamous couples kind of fuck up,” Smythe says. “They don’t really talk about their feelings or address things and they let it bottle up and then it blows up in their face, whereas we talk about everything. And I always check in, especially if I’m going to sleep with someone: ‘are you okay with this?’ And he’ll say ‘yeah, don’t worry.’” Fitzgerald agrees. He says it’s only hard to understand their arrangement because society teaches different values. “When you’re young, a lot of the information you get — at least for me — comes from a very structured environment where love, sex, and marriage are all the same thing,” he says. “I’ve been in love without sex and I’ve had sex without love. It’s weirdly the fact that we’re both so detached from that sort of thing that brought us together.” *Names have been changed.

16

LOVE & SEX

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

asexual /eɪˈsɛkʃuːəl/ • adj. without sex or sexual organs

No fucks were given
By Emma Prestwich Sex is everywhere. If it doesn’t excite you then something must be wrong with you, according to conventional wisdom. But Jared Butterworth wants to correct the notion that just because he doesn’t have a libido, doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in emotional intimacy. Butterworth, a 24-year-old economics student at York University, is asexual, meaning he isn’t sexually attracted to other people or interested in having sex. He says friends have assumed that he doesn’t worry about the emotions that accompany romantic relationships, but he says this isn’t true. “I don’t want to spend my life in a one-room apartment... I actually want to be part of a community, have interactions with people. Those (interactions) may be different, but nevertheless, they’re still there.” While the online asexual community is growing and asexuality has received more attention in the media in the last few years, many asexual young people continue to deal with peers who don’t understand that just because they aren’t interested in sex, doesn’t mean they don’t worry about social acceptance. When Katlyn Kurtz told a high school friend she was asexual, her friend’s first reaction was to jokingly ask if she was a single-celled organism that reproduces on its own. many products. Advertisers know that it catches people’s attention, but they don’t count on the fact that a small percentage — only one per cent — of the population is asexual. The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), the web’s largest asexual community, has over 2,100 members ranging in age from teenagers to seniors. Butterworth says he thinks asexuality is a tricky concept for many people to understand because sex is a big part of human life. “It’s hard to grasp because it’s something so fundamental to the human experience and [we] want no part of it.” Kurtz says she dated boys in high school, but says her last serious relationship, which lasted four months, ended when she didn’t want to have sex. “I’ve kissed, held hands and cuddled, but there’s absolutely no way I’d do anything below the belt.” While she isn’t interested in doing the deed, she says she’s still open to the emotional side of romance. “I call myself a hopeless romantic, absolutely love that kind of relationship, don’t know if I’ll find it, though.”

There’s absolutely no way I’d do anything below the belt
“She said, ‘if you’re asexual, you don’t split in half, do you?’” Kurtz says she was offended by the response but not surprised. The 19-year-old University of South Florida student is open with her friends about her identity, but understands the negative reactions she has received from others. “It’s just because our society is so sexually driven, especially here in America. Everywhere you turn it’s there, even if it doesn’t seem like that outright,” she says. From limp cigarettes to discourage smoking to fake breasts to emphasize the ‘authenticity’ of New York Fries food, sex is used to sell

PHOTO: STINE DANIELLE

Kurtz and Butterworth are both active members on AVEN’s online forum, and Butterworth regularly attends a Toronto-area monthly meetup group. However, he wishes more people from different age groups would share their stories

outside of Internet forums. “A lot of asexuality is still on the Internet. It’s going to be skewed to the younger generation,” he says. “Hopefully more people that are asexual will start to identify as such.”

GRADUATING IN SPRING 2013?
Simply completing your graduation requirements does not mean you have graduated. graduate on RAMSS (my.ryerson.ca)

Applic Ation De ADlines:
Monday, February 25, 2013
Final date to apply for graduation on RAMss for the s pring 2013 c onvocation (with $40 graduation administration fee)

Applications to graduate will not be accepted after March 15, 2013. eligible students who either have outstanding debts in excess of $10 or who have equipment, cage cards, library books or Resnet cards overdue as of May 10, 2013 will still be invited to c onvocation but will not receive their award document at that time. l og in to RAMss to determine if you have a 'n egative s ervice indicator' (Withhold) and contact the appropriate department immediately to make arrangements to clear the outstanding debt.

February 26 - Friday, March 15, 2013
Final dates to apply in person (ess F po D 64) to graduate for the s pring 2013 c onvocation (with $40 graduation administration fee and $50 late fee for a total of $90) please remind your friends and classmates of these deadlines, especially those who are not regularly on campus!

For more information visit: www.ryerson.ca/curriculumadvising

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

Love & Sex

17

masturbate /'mæstərbeɪt/ • v. arouse oneself or cause to be aroused by manual stimulation of the genitals

Have a safe solo performance
Debbie Hernandez looks into how to beat your meat without messing up your junk
Imagine frantically yanking a power cord out of the wall as your dick gets devoured by a Dyson, or the horrible moment when you lose your grip on a zucchini that you’ve lovingly eased into your asshole. While masturbation is the safest method of sexual expression, there are still measures you need to take in order to have a healthy and safe solo experience. “All toys need washing before and after you use them with antibacterial soap and water, and definitely don’t share them with other people,” says Pam Goldsworthy, the manager of Condom Shack. Health concerns arise any time you insert things into your body. Fruits, vegetables, and other phallic foods may seem like a good idea, but like most objects they can contain dirt, chemicals and yeast spores. Sugars in foods could also cause a yeast infection. Goldsworthy says one solution is to put a condom on it, so it doesn’t come in direct contact with your body. “If you are using toys anally, make sure it has a flared base or else it can get lost in your butt. It will save you a trip to the hospital,” says Rebecca Baran, a volunteer PR co-ordinator and peer counsellor at University of Toronto’s Sexual Education Centre. It’s also important to make sure the object won’t break when it’s inside you — or you’ll be left with the not-so-hilarious situation of explaining why you’ve got half a banana up your vagina in the emergency room. Check out your showerhead if you haven’t got a toy handy. Its pulsating, massaging functions mimic a vibrator. Using lubricant provides a more comfortable and therefore more stimulating experience, but it’s essential to use actual lubricant as opposed to Vaseline, lotion, or other slippery things you find around your house, says Goldsworthy. Baran says men should look into using lubrication or anything that helps them change their usual method of masturbation, like switching hands or using varying degrees of pressure. Using the same stroking technique could cause trouble when with a partner, since your body will be conditioned to only one kind of stimulation. For women, Goldsworthy recommends small clitoral vibrators since most women don’t get orgasms solely through vaginal penetration. “It’s a matter of exploring and finding what you like,” Baran says. After all, says Goldsworthy, “It’s pretty hard to expect someone else to give you an orgasm if you can’t even give yourself one.”

Photo: Natalia Balcerzak

Here’s my plan.

I studied public affairs and policy management theory at university. Loyalist’s post-grad Public Relations program is showing me how to put that to work. I’m focused—planning, developing, and honing my communication skills. When I graduate this June I’ll be ready—speechwriter, P.R. advisor, researcher, political candidate—the choice will be mine. Justin Reis Post-Graduate Public Relations Student

What’s your plan?
For information, contact Professor Kerry Ramsay, kramsay@loyalistc.on.ca 1-888-LOYALIST ext. 2127 • TTY: (613) 962-0633 Learn about additional Loyalist post-graduate opportunities—visit loyalistcollege.com/postgrad

Great careers don’t just happen— they’re planned.
Belleville, ON

LoyaList
my college • my future

18

SEXY FUN

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

Well, I had a hole to fill.

Fun /'einəl 'seks/ • v. The greatest section of a Ryerson campus newspaper

Sexy Horoscopes! By Sexy Kai Benson! Sexy!
Aries
You and your significant other will finally start to have meaningful, passionate sex, because you’ve both started cheating on each other.

Taurus
The best sex of your life will occur concurrently with the worst car crash of your life.

Gemini
From media planning and management to account co-ordination and sales, this program offers the unique skills you will need to launch your career in an advertising or media company.

Love and sex will feature prominently in your life in the sense that everyone will very clearly have more of both, often in earshot.

Cancer
Gonorrhea is a small price to pay for great sex with your soulmate. The downside is your soulmate gave you gonorrhea, which is awkward.

Libra
It would be less weird that you’re stripping your way through university if you weren’t on your fifth degree.

Aquarius
Your dreams will come true and you’ll marry the girl you think is perfect. Now you’ll get to hear her screech at you for 80 years!

Leo

Scorpio
Your best friend and the girl you love will run away together. They’re not in love, they’re just running away from you.

Pisces
You’ll buy a variety of sex robots for very important research to advance humanity. But really, mostly for all the robo-sex.

ADVERTISING MEDIA MANAGEMENT
POSTGRADUATE CERTIFICATE

Your parents will get divorced, teaching you that happy endings are possible and allowing you to finally love.

Virgo
Your week will be primarily porn interspersed with porn and then some porn and you might watch too much porn but this is just reminding you that it would be awesome to watch porn right now.

Sagittarius
You’ll come out as a transexual to your friends, who will accept you completely. They’ll still think you’re an asshole though. What, an asshole isn’t an asshole because they’re out of the closet?

Capricorn
You’ll try some sexy roleplaying, but your girlfriend’s character will cut your head off with a +2 dexterity sword and escape with the treasure of Gnar-Thule.
PHOTO: NATALIA BALCERZAK

business.humber.ca/postgrad

Tits from the Internet!
Because Creative Commons should be used only for good.

CREATIVE COMMONS CLOCKWISE CREDITS:MARCUS RANUM; ALEX BUDIN; ANJA NILSDOTTIR; SHAREVIX; BRYAN CRUMP

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2013

19

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?

Design Exchange
is pleased to announce the second annual

Connect: EnAbling Change Competition,

a provincial, post-secondary design competition.

Open to both undergraduate and graduate students, this multi-disciplinary competition seeks to explore design that is accessible to the greatest number of people, to the largest extent possible, regardless of age or ability.

For more info, go to dx.org/connect Submit by May 1, 2013

20

10Dundas EYE OPEN FEB Ad_10Dundas EYE OPEN FEB Ad 13-01-24 12:03 PM Page 1

Wednesday Feb. 13, 2013

EAT, EAT,
Over $10,000 in prizes to be won! Exclusively for Ryerson Students.
February’s DUNDEAL
WIN 1OF10
Pick up a new monthly DUNDEAL Card at participating eateries for your chance to win the latest monthly prize. Check out 10dundaseast.com at the beginning of each month for the latest prize giveaway and more details.

THIS IS AN

IT’S A

DUNDEAL

SITUATION
E FORSTHS! giveaway CLA SE
Y TECHNOLOG

WIN,WIN
$150.00
GIFT CARDS TO
ON L3

10

*Each meal purchase must be a minimum of $4.99 (plus tax) to earn 1 stamp. Check out 10dundaseast.com for more details.

N

FUTURE SHOP
Visit 10dundaseast.com for complete Contest Rules & Regulations.

DUNDAS EAST

25 EATERIES & 15 GREAT SHOPS NE CORNER OF YONGE & DUNDAS ACROSS FROM DUNDAS SQUARE

10dundaseast.com
/10DUNDASEAST