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PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' ALL: Ohh. Ouch. RACHEL: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. RACHEL: Since when? JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. RACHEL: And everybody knows this? JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow. CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT) CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" JOEY: "Warden. in five minutes my pain will be over. 'Cause in my cell. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Relax your hand! (JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP) .Oh my God. "So. and.hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners. huh?" JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. that was really good! JOEY: Thanks! Let's keep going. ROSS: What? Wh.." (JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER." CHANDLER: Hey. Chi Chi! (INTRO) SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. Whaddya want from me.it w. I can smoke. and rabbits that he could chase and it was. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART.. they had this unbelievable farm. TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS) CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.. they had horses. CHANDLER: Okay. Ross. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.. Damone." CHANDLER: "Smoke away.MONICA: Uh.
it's fine. God.. No. you feel right.. or not? Here. When you're holding it.CHANDLER: Not so much! JOEY: Whoah! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Alright. CHANDLER: It's fine. Alright.. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. now we smoke. JOEY: No no no. JOEY: Y'miss it? CHANDLER: Nah. no. (THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS) JOEY: That's ridiculous! . Look. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh. okay. (JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE) CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. not so much. my. (JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES) CHANDLER: Alright. I am not giving you a cigarette. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE) SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK(ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE) MONICA: No. do you wanna get this part. no. You feel complete. now try taking a puff. Give it to me.
Yeah. don't tell me.. and deal with them. RACHEL: Yeah.I'm just. JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it! PHOEBE: It's not mine.it's. Coffee black. it would be like stealing. PHOEBE: Yes.Okay. Do you know . it's just. Okay.It's my bank. RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me! (THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS) (ENTER PHOEBE. 'cause now I have to go down there. and I open up their monthly. you know. Satan's minions at work again. let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. STATEMENTROSS: Easy. Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yeah. but if you spent it. MONICA: What did they do to you? PHOEBE: It's nothing. PHOEBE: . if I kept it.and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. either thumb? RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright.ROSS: Can I use.no.. don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey. MUTTERING. excellent. Late... I haven't worked. I'm going through my mail. I didn't earn it. it would be like shopping! PHOEBE: Okay.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! ALL: Yeah. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI) JOEY: Y'okay.. CHANDLER: Oh.
okay. alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. for three years! CHANDLER: And this.. MONICA: We're with you. CHANDLER: Okay. Not-mine.what I'd hear. God! ROSS: What is this?! CHANDLER: I'm smoking. Whaddya doing? (CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE) ALL: Oh! Oh. not-not-mine. (CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH. It would be like this giant karmic debt. We got it.'Not-not-mine.' And even if I was happy. I can't believe you! You've been so good. RACHEL: Chandler. OUT OF SIGHT) PHOEBE: Okay. and. with every step I took? 'Not-mine. I'm smoking. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE) . not-not-mine'. I'd.just. not-not-mine.I'd never be able to enjoy it. Not-mine. PHOEBE: Oh. I'm smoking. so this time I won't quit! ALL: Ohhh! Put it out! CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out.. I'm putting it out. and skipping.is my reward! ROSS: Hold on a second. what are you doing? MONICA: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey.
SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK) MONICA: I mean. they're just looking out after you. Sorry. I don't even know how I feel about him yet. I'm gonna go change. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.I can't drink this now! MONICA: Alright. Not after what happened with Steve. then can we meet him? MONICA: Nope. I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. come on! Come on! MONICA: No. Schhorry. we're having fun. I mean. . they're like. I bring a guy home. MONICA: Look. I've got a date. y'know? It's nice.. picking off the weak members of the herd. today's Monday.. PAULA: Listen. they're your friends. and within five minutes they're all over him. I just wish that once. RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'? MONICA: 'S'going pretty good.PHOEBE: Oh. Just give me a chance to figure that out. why should I let them meet him? I mean. JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy? MONICA: Let's see. I mean. no! I. RACHEL: Well. I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing.. and. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef.coyotes. MONICA: I know. Never. ALL: Oh.
(SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift. PHOEBE IS ABSENT) JOEY: Let it go. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience. (CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy. PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms.. but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT) (ENTER PHOEBE. Buffay. SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI) ROSS: Hey. you didn't know Chi Chi. ROSS: Yeah. Ross. and hope you'll accept this. and a football phone! RACHEL: What bank is this? (DOOR BUZZER) . Thank you for calling attention to our error. MONICA: Do you all promise? ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW) JOEY: You can come in. well. Pheebs. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY.PAULA: Well.
. We loved him. ALAN: Hi.no. I'm sorry. It's him. Alan. I can't do this. (TO ALL) Okay.. ALL: Hi. Just remember how much you all like me. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it? ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan. please be good. WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. Alan. let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Okay. TO ALAN. please.I'll go. this is everybody. this is Alan. ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (GENERAL HYSTERIA) SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING) MONICA: (AT THE DOOR. Let's start with the way he kept picking at. DRIPPING WET) MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay. (OPENS THE DOOR. ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! . JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here! (CHANDLER COMES IN. Everybody. hmm? (SILENCE) MONICA: C'mon! ROSS: . Who's gonna take the first shot.MONICA: Hey. can't do this.ENTER ALAN) MONICA: Hi.
. 'There was a crooked man... MONICA: Really! CHANDLER: Oh. JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. I th. it.. RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono. Who had a crooked smile. ALL: Yeah. (AD BREAK) .. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties.? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER) THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.' (DUBIOUS PAUSE) ROSS: . I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. y'know.I think this could be.. yes! Like the man in the shoe! ROSS: ... yeah.MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? ALL: Yeah! RACHEL: And did you notice. PHOEBE: Yes. Who lived in a shoe. though? ALL: What? ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself..What shoe? PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme... while.. For a.So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. right? (DOES IT) ROSS: You know what I like most about him.
SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. uh. IN SOFTBALL GEAR) MONICA: Hi. ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? JOEY: Alan. That's impossible.. You can never be too Alan.. innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. third base-.. no.. it-it was like. second base-Alan.. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions. a little too Alan? RACHEL: Well. RACHEL: I mean. (CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING.I dunno. but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan. sometimes. we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. ENTER ROSS. CHANDLER: Yep.. it's his. MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe. CHANDLER AND JOEY. ROSS: What? MONICA: . DEJECTEDLY. it was like he made us into a team. ROSS: He was unbelievable.. RACHEL. ROSS: Yeah. how was the game? ROSS: Well. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER) . CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. right.
thanks. let me do something. 'Cause you need that. no. you buy me a soda. no. there's really money in here. "sometimes y". 'Cause. Lizzie. PHOEBE: Okay. LIZZIE: Weird Girl. PHOEBE: I know. LIZZIE: Please. No. LIZZIE: Hey. LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat? PHOEBE: No.PHOEBE: Hey. I want you to have it. LIZZIE: No. what are you doing? PHOEBE: No. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) LIZZIE: Saltines? PHOEBE: No. PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup. PHOEBE: Oh. . that's fine. but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God. and then we're even. I don't want it. it's okay. LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels? PHOEBE: Yes. Uh. I also have something else for you. y'know. Okay? LIZZIE: Okay. I ha-I have to give you something. alright. Weird Girl. But I left in the Ys.
just floating in there. (CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK) (CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND. collect all five? PHOEBE: Does. like this tiny little hitch-hiker! CHANDLER: Well. LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya. (PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS) PHOEBE: Huh! (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK) ROSS: A thumb?! (PHOEBE NODS) ALL: Eww! PHOEBE: I know! I know. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. maybe it's a contest. TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS) (CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND) LIZZIE: Keep the change. anyone wanna see? . um.PHOEBE: Okay. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel? PHOEBE: No. NOT PAYING ATTENTION. HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM. I'm fine. I opened it up and there it was. THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. y'know? Like.
JOEY: Oh. .. this is so unfair! MONICA: Oh. JOEY: Well. don't listen to him. I should really get back to work.. Pheebs.ALL: Nooo! (CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE) ALL: Oh.. (IMITATING ROSS) "you do.. like. with that snort when she laughs? I mean. there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. a little annoying. what the hell is that thing? . don't do that! Cut it out! RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb! CHANDLER: Hey. why is it unfair? CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross. I think it's endearing. RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't".I accept all those flaws. why can't you accept me for this? (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) JOEY: . do you"? (MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS) ROSS: You know. with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica.. hey. I-I could live without it. or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR) ROSS: Oh. is it.. now.Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? RACHEL: Well.
he'll get over it. RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. Monica.. The hair comes out. you should always feel the thing.PHOEBE: Yeah. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK. he'll be fine. (THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE. PAULA: Waitwait. a cow got through! MONICA: Can you believe it? . MONICA: No. they feel the thing.) SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN. I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. I mean. dump him! MONICA: I know.. I don't feel the thing. MONICA: Okay.. he's a big boy.. The bottom line is. y'know. we talking about the coyotes here? All right. and you . it's gonna be really hard. 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. if that's how you feel about the guy. and the gloves come on. It's the other five I'm worried about. PAULA: Honey. MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK) MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? PAULA: No.Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. Listen. Well. UNDISTURBED. WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER) JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body? ROSS: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? CHANDLER: Hey... smoking is cool. PAULA: Well.
okay.no-one's ever put it like that before. so I killed him... WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God. Well. Where's Joey? CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum. what's up! Oh. RACHEL: Yeah. Do you think that was wrong? RACHEL: I think he's across the hall. it's not that big. Gee. y'know. that's true. buddy. he wants to speak to you. thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE) RACHEL: (TO ROSS. (GOES TO FETCH HIM) ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go.. he's good.know it. Well. yeah. Lambchop. Well. . now. MONICA: Thanks. RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan. (DOES SO) (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hey. yeah.well. no-one. Well. ROSS: Okay. CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey. I have one now and then. she told you about that. huh. (THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK) (CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S) CHANDLER: Ooh. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. ROSS: If only he were a woman. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch..
wait. God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES) MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay. we have to talk. Oh my God. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on? MONICA: Nothing. PHOEBE: And on my way over here. ROSS: Hey Pheebs. Joey. we have to talk. ..What is up with the universe?! JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA..CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh. you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?. I'm not... . JOEY: Oh. JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear. ALL: You're kidding. I'm getting a deja vu. guys. MONICA: Alright. ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop! MONICA: Please. I might! PHOEBE: Sorry.. I stepped in gum. I'm alive with pleasure now. I just think it's nice when we're all here together... PHOEBE: Wait. Pheebs? PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? ROSS: Hey.. RACHEL: Uh. those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. .Y'know..no.
. ALL: Oh. yeah! Right! . There's something that you should know. there's really no easy way to say this.. you let your guard down. with the holidays coming upI wanted him to meet my familyMONICA: I'll meet somone else. CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh.. It's-it's about Alan. (THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER) ROSS: Is there somebody else? MONICA: No. nononono... People change. JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? PHOEBE: You know.. you start to really care about someone.(CHEWS HER HAIR) MONICA: Look. it's just. it wouldn't be fair to Alan. the way they were. things change. she's sorry! I feel better! RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean. MONICA: I'm sorry.I. There'll be other Alans. and I just.PHOEBE: There it is! MONICA: Okay. I. uh. Y'know. I've decided to break up with Alan.. RACHEL: We didn't change.It wouldn't be fair to you! ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y'know. I mean. I just want things back.I could go on pretendingJOEY: Okay! MONICA: -but that wouldn't be fair to me.
. (CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT) ALAN: Wow. (CLOSING CREDITS) CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND. But. ALAN: Yeah. MONICA: I'm. We're just gonna need a little time. we'll be fine. I'm really sorry. ROSS: Yeah. y'know. EATING ICE CREAM) RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?... That was fun. ROSS: So how'd it go? MONICA: Oh. I gotta tell you. I'm sorry too. I am a little relieved.MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay? ROSS: Hey hey. He could row like a viking. MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand. MONICA: Relieved? ALAN: Yeah. ALL: Mmm. I had a great time with you. well. I just can't stand your friends. (ENTER MONICA) MONICA: Hi..
(SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD) CHANDLER: . I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! CHANDLER: (REENTERING) Yeah. huh. I'm getting cigarettes. (DUBIOUS LOOK) ROSS: You had a rough day..That's it. ALL: No no no! CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care. c'mere. alright.. END ..PHOEBE: Did he mention us? MONICA: He said he's really gonna miss you guys.
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