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The News from Malabar

Vol. 2, No. 14. ***Over 90 Served*** Dishing up news about vegetables and vagabonds since 2011. Sunday, July 29, 2012

Weather Forecast
Partly scummy Monday with a high of about 5' 10. Turning mostly lousy Tuesday night with a 70% chance of being bummed out. Wednesday will be almost ridiculously bright with a chemicalinduced high, crashing back to earth in the late afternoon. Going on the down low Thursday night with a 35% chance of coming out of the closet. Long-term forecast is for short-term longing.

Just give it beagle ears, put it in a red cloak, put a funnel on its head, ice skates on its feet, and a letter in its mouth, and the resemblance is uncanny, Albert said.

Jim and Nancy Clarke celebrate the placing of the final new mattress at HIMalabar Farm, in the Cardinal Room.

The WellTempured Hostel


(LUCAS) After a year of planning, maneuvering and logistical processing, the Malabar Farm Hostel has achieved a new level of delightfulness with the installation of Tempur-Pedic memory foam mattresses. Just wait till people try these new beds out, said Nancy Clarke, the instigator of the project. You won't be able to get them to leave! Nancy was thrilled Sunday at the completion of the massive project, which grew to include replacements of several of the hostel's bed frames as well as its entire mix 'n' match collection of linens. The entire project has been a joint venture between the former Central and Southern Ohio Council of Hostelling International (which has morphed to become Central Ohio Heart of Hostelling) and the U.S. national office of Hostelling International. Hostel manager Mark Jordan was skeptical. He insisted on proving that the mattresses were overrated. See, he said, lying down. This is just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Alleged creature from nightmarish work of art sighted at Malabar pond Tuesday.

The original bird from Bosch's painting.

Naturalists at the park said that it was just a green heron, nothing to get excited about. Albert remains unconvinced.

Bosch's bird spotted near Malabar pond


(PONDBURGH) Local resident Elbert Norbert Albert contacted the Pleasant Valley Police Tuesday with an unusual sighting. I know what I saw, Albert said. And I wasn't drinking. According to the retired art historian, one of the squat birds from a strange painting by medieval Flemish master Hieronymus Bosch was seen walking on a log in the pond at Malabar Farm. Albert said that the creatures are deployed in a sinister fashion in the painting, and that the appearance of one of the birds locally was ominous.

New 'King-Size' fries on menu


(NEW YORK) Fast food giant Burger King today introduced their new King-Size french fries in all their U.S. restaurants. First to get the new product was James Clarke of Columbus, Ohio, seen above returning his order. I asked for a large order of fries, not an order of large fries, Clarke said.

Squatch Watch
Nancy Nixon, co-author of the play The Bigfoot Letters, documents recent local encounters with the mystical Sasquatch.

None.

Easy Hard Work Chicken, a simple recipe invented Thursday evening by Farmer Jordan to celebrate his hard work nursing along the Victory Garden.

Vegetables sway farmer


(LUCAS) After swearing off farming last week, Farmer Jordan faltered Thursday evening when he made a delicious dinner featuring fresh-picked vegetables from the Victory Garden he has been laboriously defending against drought, heat, predators, and weeds this year. It was just chicken over a bed of fried veggies, Jordan said, But, damn, I really gotta say that despite all the discouragement and torture this garden has caused me this summer, this was better food than I've had at 99 percent of the restaurants I've been to. The simple recipe calls for chicken breasts to be marinated in a mixture of olive oil, white wine vinegar, and spices, then baked at 375 degrees for about half an hour. Meanwhile, clean and slice red onions, green peppers, yellow peppers, and zucchini freshly harvested from the garden. When the chicken is nearly done, fry the vegetables in real butter until they begin to soak up buttery flavor but still remain crisp.

Dish up the vegetables and place the chicken breasts atop the vegetables. Season with a little fresh ground pepper. The dish bursts with flavor. Asked why he did not provide more specific amounts in his instructions, the farmer said that he learned cooking by observing his mother, Violet Jordan, cook. Every time I have asked her for one of her recipes, Farmer Jordan said, She has dug out a creased old index card and handed it to me. When I ask her if the card is exactly how she makes the dish in question, she replies, 'Not really. I add a little this and a little that.' I follow recipes in exactly the same way. While the grumpy gardener refused to commit to another season of working the land, he said that if anything could inspire him to sign-on again, it would be the memory of a perfect, fresh meal on a mild summer evening.

Lincicome, Ryan Glass, Scott Schag, Mary Ann Calhoun, Ivey Buffenmyer, and Dorothy Duckworth will be returning, and Brianne Kindinger and Rose Myers will be joining for the first time. Directors will be Daniel J. Feiertag and Deborah Kramer. Stage manager will be Jenica Kramer. Costumes will be by Mary Ann Calhoun. The production will be produced by author Mark Jordan. Performances will be the second and third weekends of October. The Fridays are play-only tickets for $20, while the Saturday and Sunday performances are offered as dinner theatre with tickets at $36. All profits go to support Malabar Farm State Park. For further information about the author, cast, and play, visit the web site www.MansfieldTrilogy.com, and for tickets, call 419-522-2726 or visit www.MansfieldTickets.com.

JillY Bean's
Picture of the Week

Co-director Dan Feiertag speaks to the cast at the first Ceely read-through.

'Ceely' will haunt barn in October


(LUCAS) The cast for the 2012 revival of the historical drama Ceely met in the big barn at Malabar Farm Monday evening for a readthrough to kick off this fall's play production, the fifth in ten years. This year will see a new Ceely, in the form of actress Jennifer Casner of Centerburg. Malabar veterans Jacqueline Allen, Steve Kramer, Carl Hunnell, Don

Ace reporter Jill Poloni snapped this absorbing study of Senator Horatio W. Toad in Washington this week. Word on the street is that the long-serving senator is at this hour contemplating an independent Pond Party run for president this fall. We will keep you up to date on this breaking story as the situation warrants. Jill Poloni reports from The News at Malabar's Washington, D.C. news bureau, located just outside the beltway in Ashburn, Virginia.

Call for submissions


Here, submissions! C'mon!

Twisted History
with Professor Petee

Today's Lesson Plan: A Startling Movie Discovery!


I dont know how many of you have ever watched the last movie directed or supposedly directed by Orson Welles, but I did last Saturday. The movie is titled, F for Fake, and it was a new type of film in that it was intended to create a new genre of movie making: an essay-documentary, set in a movie like structure with a plot and protagonist and character development and, in this case, including the director as one of the characters. Intriguing! The plot involves an art forger, Elmyr de Hory and the biographer Clifford Irving, and then includes Welles discussing his own fakery in the radio broadcast of H.G. Wells (an ancestor who couldnt spell his own last name correctly) The War of the Worlds, not to be confused with the movie of the same name that had a guy who looked a lot like Tom Cruise (ancestor of the music group Pablo Cruise). After watching the film, I got to thinking (always a dangerous thing if you know me). The film was shot in such a way to make me wonder if the whole movie was a fake. After all, the leading characters in the movie were interviewed throughout a forger of paintings by famous painters (Elmyr de Hory), a woman who made deals to sell these paintings, a writer of the famous Howard Hughes false biography (Clifford Irving) and Welles talking with these people and to us the audience. With that being said, I dug deeper and found out that Im not the only one who thinks the movie as a fake. Robert Anton Wilson (not related

to soccer ball in Castaway starring Tom Hanks) wrote a book saying that the film was itself largely an intentional effort at fakery in support of the film's themes including interviews with those directly involved with forgery, often making statements known to be false, but which were allowed to pass without comment in the film. Wilson also points out several scenes which, while presented in a way that implies they were filmed in real time, were upon further inspection clearly fabricated from unrelated pieces of footage in a way guaranteed to mislead the casual viewer. I agree with Wilson (not the soccer ball). But I believe that I can go one step further. I think Orson Welles actually had nothing to do with this movie and it was masterfully crafted by News From Malabar Farm creator, editor and head due, Mark Sebastian Jordan, who posed as a Welles lookalike in the movie. So there Mark, I figured it out.

This female black swallowtail butterfly adores the purple coneflower, a wildflower native to the prairies of Ohio. Photo taken in the Florence Hughes Memorial Flowerbed at the Malabar Farm Hostel. The bed salutes long-serving hostel manager Florence Hughes, who oversaw the hostel's first decade.

Gates to butterfly heaven opening


(LUCAS) Late summer is butterfly heaven, but with this year's accelerated heat pattern, the gates are opening early. The fields at Malabar Farm can always be counted on for butterflies, but never more so than in August, when thousands of butterflies are drawn from all over the area to savor the wildflowers, as well as domesticated ones planted by gardeners eager to attract the colorful visitors.

Mark Sebastian Jordan posing as film auteur Orson Welles in F For Fake.

Mike Petee never considered that if the name name Jordan comes from a river, and Well(e)s are a place where one finds water, and that if one Fords a river, and the Lincoln Tunnel goes under a river, and if a Mark is a target, that it becomes obvious that Abraham Lincoln was guilty of assassinating our poor editor in Ford's Theatre. But he, the editor, has elected not to complain about Professor Petee's truly debatable theory until his complaint has had sufficient time to age and ripen into a full, robust rant. In other words, we'll tell no whine before its time.

A Zabulon skipper enjoys a tasty treat.

Olympics Medal Update


USA Djibouti Scotland Siam East Germany Bellville Islets of Langerhans 17 9 6 4 13 2 1

Native insects favor native plants. While butterflies and skippers will respond to any attractive flower with tasty nectar, one of their favorites is the prairie plant known among highfalutin' sorts as echinacea, perhaps because of its very real medicinal properties. But its down-to-earth name is purple coneflower, and the present photos with this article show just how popular these plants are. The photos were caught in one two-minute period, which is pretty much the editor's maximum attention span. According to the book Where

the Sky Began, which was loaned to the editor by reader David Greer, Ohio's prairie lands sprang up after the retreat of glaciers from the area, but were mostly overtaken by forest. Prairie remnants have persistently held on in areas that receive slightly less rain than trees want. The purple coneflower is one of the flagship plants of Ohio prairie land, but it has managed to hang on in fields and ditch lines in many places. Its resurgence in recent years, though, comes from its popularity as a garden plant guaranteed to draw butterflies. Or so the editor has gathered, in his two-minute reading sessions, which have catapulted him to page 45 of the book in only one month.

Gone Fishin'

when we do this all over again, I'll be here to support, praise and at times to help curse mother nature! Thanks, Robert. It is nice to know I'm not the only one trying to get in touch with his farming roots. Surely the mark of great leadership is when all your troops are at each other's throats. That way, they are too busy to attack their leader. So I was pleased to find that our Kims Kupboard writer, Kimberly Orsborn, took indignant exception to the Old Curmudgeons (George Breithaupt's) boiled radish recipe from last week's issue and took him sternly to task. I mean, really, she wrote, no salt OR pepper? She added that readers should watch out for O.C.s overnight hummus recipe, as well. Make that one only if you want to get salmonella, she warned darkly. Another perfect day at The News! <<<ADVERTISEMENT>>>

nervous molar, ankle biters, washerwoman's elbow, tennis elbow, Tennessee Williams' elbow, bladder natter, swelling of the nabobs, premature matriculation, cleft attention span, road rage, low hangers, lens fogging, heartburn, narrow marrow, capillary envy, Carl Hunnell, hard boiled eggs, spontaneous decapitation, crepitation, belching, power drelching, ankle anxiety, foot fetish, wrist rot, dimple pimples, freckles, hand jives, hives, high fives, truth decay, esophageal waffling, oscillation of the Adam's apple, intestinal fortitude, sharts, pubic broadcasting, palm pilots, nail gnawing, weird beard, high hair, earections, London derriere, the Spanish influenza, the Dutch pox, the Curley Shuffle, dangling ganglia, sole music, phallocentrism, procrastinitis, allnighterosis, plagiarism, sweet corns, nasal flatulence, rigid digit, beer belly, bed head, glib lid, vein drain, cheek pleats, numb gum, chin wag, feeling real loose like a long-necked goose, lap dances, frog legs, spontaneous gender reassignment, fallopian tubas, vaginal monologues, brain freeze, side-splitting, inflammation of the health care costs, and gas.

Ironwood puts the fun back into dysfunction.


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IRONWOOD
One of the Victory Garden's colorful sunflowers made for one very happy little honey bee Tuesday evening.

This great blue heron has been visiting the working farm pond at Malabar Farm lately and patiently hunting for fish.

THE DOCTOR'S #1 CHOICE* FOR THE TREATMENT OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION


*When given no other option

Correspondence
Robert William wrote from Fairlawn Heights, near Akron, Ohio, to encourage the editor to take another crack at gardening next year. I just want you to know that you're getting quite the garden club going here, buddy. I, like yourself, am a first time gardener and though at times it's very trying, the simple treat of eating what you've grown is what makes it all worth while. So I say this, next year

Ask your doctor if Ironwood is right for you. If you can't afford your medicine, tough luck, because we sure won't help. We're in this to get rich. WARNING: Side effects may include dry mouth,
headaches, nausea, depression, vertigo, psychosis, joint pain, insomnia, slipped disc, dizziness, shortness of breath, nudity, lactose intolerance, skin rash, shin splints, hair loss, saggy man boobs, bedroom eyes, toe jam, athlete's foot, athlete's head, bad breath, muscle cramps, eye candy, ear worms, nose goblins, lung butter, liver snaps, muck butt, swollen earlobes, insanity, anniversary amnesia, nipple twists, wiener schnitzel, mustache rides, lip locks, sinus squirrels, ball lightning, elbow macaroni, thumb screws, high heels, disco fever, spontaneous human combustion, chuckle puffs, long walks on the beach, toad nose, fingernail cramps, left cheek sneaks, wind storms, thunder down under, scrambled eggs, anal-encephalo insertion, pork rinds, dog breath, projectile laughing, Trump hair, tickle bugs, knuckle sandwiches, mild fatality, boob juggling, nape knots, bootyitis, tongue lashings, ululation of the uvula, gorp, all-expense-paidtrips to the Islets of Langerhans, back door bandits, narrow shoulder, short fuse, nutcrackers, gnarly knees, wandering pancreas syndrome, boredom, whoredom, kidney beans, inflammation of the ego, ring around the collar, Spinal Tap, brow beating, chest thumping, thigh slapping, back scratching,

The News from Malabar is published by Mark Sebastian Jordan. Deal with it. All material is copyright 2012 by Mark Jordan, except that contributors retain their own copyrights. Contributors to this week's issue are Mike Petee, Jill Poloni, Kimberly Orsborn, and Nancy Nixon. This newsletter does not represent the official views of the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, Hostelling International, nor the star of The Joy of Oil Painting, Bob Ross, who just put a happy little tree there on the shore, Just like that. Isn't that nice? And then we'll take a little alazarin crimson and a little phthalo blue and put a little bird in ice skates wearing a funnel on his head in the pond next to him, with a nice little demon eating a man head-first on the hill behind them both while the clouds are underlit by hellish orange flames. Tune in next week, when Bob will be cutting his ear off with his palette knife and sending it to a prostitute.

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