Whats Meant To Be By Kels Barnholdt Copyright 2011 Kels Barnholdt. All rights reserved.

. Chapter 1 I never sleep before the first day of school, ever. I always convince myself Im going to sleep but it never happens. Instead, I toss and turn all night, overthinking every little thing that could possibly happen the next day. When I say every little thing, I do mean every little thing. Is the outfit I picked out cute enough? Will it send the message that I was trying too hard? What if I dont know anyone in my lunch well enough to sit when them? Will I have to go to the library and pretend I have work to do? On the other hand, no one ever has work to do on the first day of school, so everyone would totally know I was only in the library because I was a loser and had no one to sit with. What if I dont have any classes with Alexa, my best friend since freshman year? The list goes on and on and by the time I have to get up in the morning Im in worse shape than the night before. This is because now not only am I extremely tired from being up all night but I have a knot in my stomach the size of a large rock from all the worrying Ive been doing. The night before the first day of my junior year however is way worse than any year I can remember. Not only do I have the normal things to spend all night worrying about, but somewhere deep down in the bottom part of my soul, in the very very back of my mind, I know Im sure to be seeing Austin. Now, as I sit in homeroom the next morning, I cant help but still worry about it. While a tiny part of me is excited, most of me is just absolutely terrified. Should I go up to him? Should I text him and ask him to meet me somewhere? Will he text me? The sound of someone slamming a notebook down hard on the desk next to me snaps me out of my thoughts and I turn to meet my best friend Alexas sharp blue eyes. Oh my god! she gasps as she takes her blonde hair and twirls it up into a loose bun. It has been the morning from hell! Shhhh! I whisper as I look around our homeroom at the few people who are now looking at Alexa like she might be a little crazy. What happened to you this morning? You were supposed to meet me in front of the office, I texted and called you.

Alexa lets out a little bit of a sigh and flops her body down in the chair next to me. Well, flops as much as she can considering shes only a hundred pounds. I know! Im totally sorry, I could not decide what to wear this morning, then I had to stop for a Starbucks and the line was totally long and then when I got here well there was a whole Karli situation to deal with. It takes me a minute to fully wrap my head around everything Alexa just shot out of her mouth. Shes talked this way ever since Ive known her. I always tell her to breathe in between sentences but she just laughs like Im joking. A Karli situation? I fake shock, but I know whats coming before Alexa even starts to explain. Karli is Alexas little sister. Shes a grade younger than us, and is always getting herself in trouble with girls in her grade. This is because Karli is just as little as Alexa with dark blonde hair and the same intense blue eyes. Anyway, someones always thinking Karli is looking at their boyfriend or flirting with their boyfriend or liking one of their boyfriends pictures on facebook. This really wouldnt be a big deal, since girls will be girls, except that Karli cant seem to let anything go. Which means she has no problem going up to whatever girl is upset with her and saying things like, I dont like your boyfriend at all, so maybe you should work on your insecurity issues. Then walking away like nothing is wrong. Which in turn usually means the girl ends up wanting to kick Karlis ass, and Karli never seems to be scared or worried about this even if the girl is twice her size. This is usually around the time that Alexa steps in. Yes! Alexa screeches. No way was I letting her get into a fight on the first day of school. I mean really, I tell her to lay low this year so she doesnt get herself into another situation like last year with that Tina girl and already on the first day... She must see the look on my face, though, because she trails off. Well anyway, you look totally cute today. I look down at my Old Navy Jeans and light blue tank top. What looked cute and simple this morning, somehow seems boring and childish next to Alexa. Shes wearing black leggings, Ugg boots, and an oversized white sweater thats decorated in some sort of silver and gold tinsil. The best part about her outfit, however, is how effortlessly it seems to be thrown together. Me? I ask her as if shes blind. You make me look like Nikki Hilton. And youre Paris. Alexa looks confused. Whos Nikki Hilton? I sigh. Exactly.

Haha, totally kidding. Alexa laughs. Ashley, relax, you look great. So have you seen Austin yet? I thought I saw him walking in but now that I think about it Im not sure it was him, I mean if it was he was wearing this awful green shirt that just did not Alexa! I gasp. SHHHHHH! What!? She looks around quickly. Its not like hes in this homeroom, his last name doesnt even start with an A. I grab her tiny arm and practically drag her out into the hallway. Owwww, she wails, faking hurt as she rubs her arm. Oh, please. I didnt even have that tight of a grip. Did I? Hmm, it does look a little red now that I think about it. Oops. Im sorry, I whisper, but you need to be careful. Like three kids from the basketball team are in our homeroom and could easily tell him some crazy girl was talking about him. Alexa laughs and glances around the hallway before speaking. Ash, you need to stop worrying so much. I mean, youre gonna see him. Hes in our grade so its kind of unavoidable. I know, I sigh. Its just I dont want to be overbearing. He never answered the few texts Ive sent him since I got home. Alexa smiles. This could be a movie. One of the most popular boys in school ends up in the same hotel as you over summer vacation, and it turns out h is mom and your mom are in the same book club....and you end up spending almost every day together and become like super close. I mean Ash--you cant make that shit up, its classic. I laugh and push her playfully. Oh, shut up. She laughs back and says, You two are totally gonna end up dating. I give her an annoyed look. Me and Austin Givens are just friends. Alexa raises her eyebrows. Are you honestly telling me you dont like him even a little? Yes, Lex, thats what im honestly telling you. Alexa puts her hand on her hip. Best friends do not lie to each other. Only I cant answer her, I cant speak even, because out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Austin. Hes about twenty feet away from us walking down the hall with a couple of senior

boys. As he nears I can feel the knot in my stomach growing even bigger, not to mention my hearts beating a mile a minute. Austins eyes meet mine, and for one quick moment, I feel like this is going to be the best first day of school Ive ever had. The look on my face doesnt last, though, and neither does the feeling in my heart. Because something awful happens. Without so much as a smile Austin looks away and walks right past me like I dont exist. Chapter Two Im not sure I know what a panic attack is, but Im pretty sure Ive been having one for the past half hour. My heart is beating so fast that Im afraid it might explode in my chest. Im sitting in my first period class and I feel as if the walls are slowly closing in around me. After Austin blatantly ignored me in the hallway I felt like I was going to throw up and ended up spending the rest of homeroom in the bathroom with Alexa. Maybe he just didnt see you. She tried to comfort me, but I wasnt stupid, I knew he had. After I assured Alexa that I was neither blind nor that nave, she moved onto the Austins such a jerk, you dont need a friend like that anyway tactic. The thing is though, I did need a friend like that. I mean, me and Austin had gotten so close over the summer. Or so Id thought. It was true that at first Id figured he was just being nice to me because his mom and my mom were friends, but as the time passed, I started to let myself believe it was more than that. We would text each other even though we were only a few floors apart at the hotel. Our families would do things together almost every day; sometimes me, Austin, and his sister Miley would even stay up late in one of our rooms watching scary movies and ordering food. Then, it turned into a lot of just me and Austin. Me and Austin going to get ice cream. Me and Austin sneaking out after our parents went to sleep to sit in the hotel lobby and just talk. Me and Austin going to get lunch together when no one else was around. I told Austin things I didnt tell anyone. Things it was hard for me to even talk about with Alexa. Like about my parents divorce or how I like to write short stories. And he told me things too, like how he only played soccer because he knew it made his dad happy, and how he wanted to be a journalist someday. Things you dont tell someone just because youre being nice for your moms sake.

So what went wrong? Whats his deal? Im so busy trying to figure out what Austin could possibly be thinking that it takes me a second to realize that everyone in the classroom is staring at me. Young lady, youre up, our teacher says, his eyes locked on me. I cant seem to remember exactly what his name is. Something that starts with the letter P? Nor do I have any idea what he is talking about. Im just about to admit that I dont really know what Im up for when the door flies open and Karli stumbles into the the classroom, mumbling something under her breath. Relief washes over me as all eyes in the room turn away from me and onto her. Unlike me, Karli looks anything but upset about being the center of attention. Mr. Preston! Karli declares loudly. Ha! I knew his name started with a P! Mr. Preston, Karli says, this time a little bit less forcefully. There was a mix up with my schedule, but not to worry. I went right to guidance and got it straightened out. Mr. Preston seems to have a pained expression on his face when he answers. A mix up. What type of mix up Miss Greenwood? Well, they tried to put me in Miss Gleesons class for Spanish II, but no way was I allowing that. I mean, Miss Gleeson? I cant take her class, I had her for homeroom last year and she used to make me spit my gum out every morning before I was allowed in the room. Shed make me open my mouth even! Karli delivers this statement as if a teacher asking her to spit out her gum is a violation of her human rights and not just a teacher enforcing school policy. Well, technically, gum isnt supposed to be chewed during school hours but Mr. Preston trails off as if he knows anything he could possibly say would go in one ear and out the other with Karli. Well anyway, Karli continues. Once I explained to my counselor how I failed Spanish I in both 7th and 8th grade and I only passed last year cause of you, well she moved me right into your class for Spanish II. So luckily it all worked out. She waves her new schedule around as if to show Mr. Preston she isnt lying. Mr. Preston gives a little bit of a sigh before he answers Well .. this is great news. Why dont you take a seat? Karli smiles sweetly and stomps to the back of the room and takes a seat a few rows away from me. I guess Karlis presence distracts Mr. Preston from whatever he wanted from me because

suddenly hes going over the course outline he passed out at the beginning of class, and Im in the clear, which is just fine with me. I lock my eyes on Karli and wait for her to notice me, and when she does, her face lights up. Suddenly shes taking her pencil and forcefully poking the girl whos sitting next to me. Psttt, she hisses, way too loudly. I sigh and look away quickly because I fear a scene is about to unfold. Excuse me... Karli whispers to the girl, whos looking at Karli like a deer caught in the headlights. Shes tiny and clearly nervous about Karli poking her with a sharp object. Shes may even be a freshman, but I cant say for sure. I need you to switch seats with me, she says to the girl, more telling her than asking her. Then, before the girl can answer, Karlis up out of her seat and transferring the girls belongings from one desk to the other. The girl (who is clearly too shocked to speak) just sort of nods and then gets up and moves to the seat next to her. Mr. Preston, however, seems to be oblivious to what Karli is doing. Thank God we have a class together! Karli exclaims much too loudly. She isnt even pretending to be subtle in talking to me, her whole entire body is turned in her chair as she looks at me. Lex texted me and told me about what Austin did to you this morning. What a jerk! I look around quickly to make sure no ones looking at her before I answer. Karli, youre going to get me in trouble. We can talk about it after we get out of here, now shhh! Karli looks annoyed and within two seconds her hand is up in the air flapping back and forth.Mr. Preston! Mr. Preston! Karlis partially jumping out of her seat. I look on, mortified at her actions as she continues to speak. I feel sick, really sick, like I might throw up all over at any moment! The boy sitting in front of her slides his chair a few inches away from Karli. Mr. Preston gets a grossed out expression on his face before he looks at the clock. We only have a few minutes left before the bell rings. I wont make it! Karli clutches her stomach for emphasis. I think it might be cramps! Mr. Preston waves his hands as if to say he doesnt want to hear anymore and tells Karli to go to the nurse and quickly.

I might not make it on my own! What if I pass out on the way there and no one sees me on the ground, and I end up getting kicked and I need help? You! She declares loudly, looking right at me. Whats your name? Can you come with me? Please?? I look at Mr. Preston waiting for him to jump in, to tell Karli shes ridiculous, that he knows the two of us are friends. To knock it off and either go or stay. To my utter shock Mr. Preston nods, looks at me, and says Youd better take her, make sure she gets down there safely. He says it more in a way like he doesnt trust Karli to be out there alone, not that he actually believes she needs assistance to go to the nurses office. Once were out in the hall and the door is safely closed behind us, I swing my body around and look Karli in the face. What are you thinking? I demand, still shocked at what she just got away with. Im thinking, Karli says smugly, that Im saving your life. How could you possibly do that? Because, she says matter of factly. Were going to find Austin and tell him exactly what we think of him. Then before I can say anything she turns and starts walking down the hall. Chapter 3 I stumble as I run after Karli as fast as I possibly can. Whoa, whoa slow down there, crazy. You left your mind somewhere back there. Haha very funny. I mean it, Ashley. You have to find out what his deal is. How is this situation fair to you? Karli asks, still walking down the hall. I run to get a few steps ahead of her, then place my body in front of her, forcing her to come to a stop in the middle of the hall. Karli, you need to stop. Ill talk to him. I will. But I dont think ambushing him in the middle of his first period class is the right way to go. Im talking slowly now, trying to make her understand exactly where Im coming from. She rolls her eyes and looks at me. We arent going to ambush him in his first period class. I let out a sigh of relief and take a step back from her.

Were going to his second period class, well never make it to his first period before the bell rings. She starts walking down the hall again. His second period? I ask in a small voice, still trying to keep up with her. Yes! Shes talking so loudly that her voice is echoing through the hallway now. Then we wait for him outside and when he least expects it, BOOM! She claps her hands for emphasis. We pounce on him! KARLI! I shout, hoping to snap her out of her crazy rant. Hes a boy, not a mouse. And were girls, not cats. How do you even know where his second period class is? Well She looks away. I might have glanced at his schedule while I was in guidance this morning. You didnt! Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get in for that? Karli rolls her eyes. Ashley, please. I mean, it was two seconds really, and I only saw his first and second period. First period English, second period gymand maybe a few others but I mean, really, that shit is practically public knowledge. Second period gym? I cut her off. Karli sighs. Yes Ash, gym, in the west gym. Which is so gross, I mean hes totally gonna be all sweaty the rest of the day. I have second period gym, I tell her softly. This stops Karli dead in her tracks. You do? Yeah, I say, looking down. Suddenly I feel a little lightheaded. Well she says, this changes everything. Good! Now you have the chance to see what his deal is without it looking like were stalking him. Hey! I say. You made it out like it would seem totally normal. Karli laughs. Dont be silly, it could have totally fucked everything up! Haha! But I think she sees the look on my face, then because her tone softens. Hey, just promise me youll stick up for yourself okay?

I smile. I promise. She nods. Good. Youre too good of a person to let people walk all over you, Ash. Then the bell rings and her face is lost in the string of people coming out of nearby classrooms. And Im alone with nothing left to do but go to second period. ******** I know no one in my second period gym class, and when I say no one, I do mean no one. The gym is covered with kids scrambling around, climbing on the bleachers, looking for their friends. Theyre hugging, and hand clapping, and even some fist pumping. And in the mist of all this, I do not see one face I am comfortable enough to approach. Im scanning the crowd, searching for someone, anyone to talk to when I spot him. Austin. Hes standing in the middle of the gym looking just as lost as I feel. This is it, I think. The perfect time. Im just going to march right up to him and ask him why he avoided me this morning. Ask him why he hasnt talked to me since we got back from Florida. I breathe in a few times, then gather up all the courage I have left and start to walk over to him. Hes busy looking around, taking in his surroundings, but his eyes land on mine. And they dont leave me until Im right next to him. Neither one of us says anything for a moment, but its me who speaks first. Hey, I say quickly. Hi, he responds. How, uh, how have you been? Hes nervous. I can tell by the way hes stumbling over his words a little, but he shouldnt be. Its me. Good, really good. Its a lie, I mean, Ive been good but not like amazing or anything. Just like average. Yeah, me too. Busy, really really busy. He runs his hand through his dark hair and looks down, almost like his eyes cant meet mine. Yeah? Is that why I havent heard from you? I ask him. I figure theres no point in holding anything back, so I add, I saw you this morning, and I thought you saw me, but maybe you didnt. No, Austin says and for the first time hes looking at me the way he did over the summer. Ashley, I saw you.

Then what happened? I ask him now, and my eyes are pleading with him. Asking him to just stop being weird, and to go back to how we used to be over the summer. When we were best friends and it was so simple and not complicated. He opens his mouth but before he can say anything hes knocked forward by what seems to be a large object someone has thrown on his back. It takes me a second to realize its a girl, not an object. A girl with long dark brown hair and a dress much too short to be jumping on anyone like that. Once she gets off his back and wraps her tiny arms around his waist, I realize its Melissa Petron. Melissa Petron, whos so tiny she makes me look like a giant. Melissa Petron whos on the varsity cheerleading squad and almost too perfect to handle. Melissa Petron who has hated me ever since seventh grade when I got student of the month over her. Oh, she says, looking me up and down. Were you, um, in the middle of something? I want to say that yes, actually we are in the middle of something here, like trying to figure out why someone I thought was my best friend wont talk to me. Austin, however, seems to be at a loss for words. And after what seems like hours, I realize he isnt going to say anything. No, I say, we werent. And then I turn on my heel and start to stomp away. Ashley. Austins voice echoes through the gym above all the talking and so I hear him loud and clear, but when I turn around to meet his gaze, Melissas rolling her eyes and pulling him by the hand after her, and hes letting her. I stomp up the bleachers and take a seat at the very top. Since its pretty clear Im not going to find anyone that I know in here, I figure its better to be away from everyone so I can be miserable alone. I feel angry, very angry. Angry at Melissa and her stupid black dress. Angry at myself for not telling her to go away. But mostly Im angry at Austin. Austin for not saying one word to me that made it seem like he cared even a little bit about our friendship. All the things we told one another over the summer, all the things we did together, and its that easy for him to pretend it never happened. Like we were never even friends at all. Well fine, if thats how he feels, then screw him. Austin who? Never even heard of him. La la la, dont need anyone but myself.

Our gym teacher, Mr. White, who I had last year and is actually really nice, calls the gym to order and everyone becomes quiet as he starts to call off names for attendance. I concentrate hard on listening to every name he says, praying that Ill recognize a name or a face that I somehow missed in the crowd. I lean forward a little bit and catch a glimpse of Melissa and Austin sitting together a few rows away from me. I roll my eyes and look away. Good thing I dont care about him at all or anything or I might be upset right now. La. Mr. White spends the rest of the period going over all the basics (proper dress code, make up classes, sick days, blah blah blah). Then he has the boys come down and fill out a little blue card for him to keep on file and gives them a bunch of forms to bring home for their parents. After the boys are done and go back up to their seats, the girls start to file down, one by one. Theres about thirty of us, and were handed clipboards and pencils with the same blue forms on them. I find a spot on the far wall and start to fill out my form so I can go back to my seat. Im just starting to print my name when Melissa smacks her clipboard down hard on the wall next to me, much too close for comfort. I roll my eyes but Im determined to not let her get to me so I go back to concentrating on my form. Address: 156 Sheldon Lane Height: 56 Weight: 135 Melissa snickers loudly next to me. One thirty-five? Yeah, right. I move my clipboard further away from her give her a nasty look. I am actually, thank you very much. Melissa looks me up and down like shes honestly considering this, then shakes her head. No way. I mean your legs alone are probably like seventy pounds. Whats your problem, Melissa? I snap. Melissa laughs, like the thought of me starting to get angry is funny to her. I dont have a problem. Its just youre supposed to be as honest as possible on these forms, and you, well, youre lying. Why are you a liar, Ashley? The way she spits it at me is so conniving and so annoying that the words are out of my mouth before I even realize what Im saying. Why are you such a bitch, Melissa?

Her shove is hard and my back contacts with the wall quickly , so quick that it takes me a second to realize she just pushed me. Before I have a chance to react, Mr. White is between us and I can tell by the look on his face that he is not happy. You two, office, now. Chapter 4 The chairs in the lobby of the office are about as comfortable as a lock. I wonder if its some type of indirect punishment for being in there to begin with, since the people who are in the principals office are usually in trouble for doing something wrong. Like ha-ha Ill teach you, you felt like acting out, well now you can sit in these hard chairs while you wait to get yelled at and punished. Well, the jokes on them because someone will probably end up getting back problems from these chairs. Maybe the school will even get sued. Melissa comes trotting out of the office with a yellow form in her hands and smirks at me as she walks by. Ashley, the secretary tells me, you can go on in now. Shes a plump woman with a sweet smile and somehow being out here with her wasnt that bad compared to whatever waits for me beyond those doors. Our principal, Mr. Morgan, is on the phone when I enter his office. I sit down in the chair across from him, fold my hands in my lap, and wait. Lucky for me the chairs in here are a little more comfortable because it takes him a few minutes to wrap up whatever hes taking care of. Something about a student missing the bus and the school refusing to send it back to get him. Yikes. When he finally hangs up the phone a few minutes later, he sighs aloud, but forces a half smile when he looks at me. So, Ashley, why dont you tell me what went wrong this morning? His voice is kind and unintimidating. I do the best I can to tell him the events of last period exactly as I remember them happening and when Im finished he just looks at me for what seems like forever before he speaks. Well, he says finally, we seem to have a little bit of a problem then. A problem? I ask him, a little nervous now. What type of problem? You and Melissa have a completely different version of what happened. She says you provoked her, were taunting her really, and she only pushed you because you got in her face and she was scared you were about to hit her.

I gasp aloud. Mr. Morgan. That. Is. Not. What. Happened. Of course Melissa would stick to the old self-defense theory, because she doesnt have the backbone to take the consequences of her actions. I should have known better. Look, Mr. Morgan tells me. Youre a good kid, Ashley. Youre almost never in my office. I know this is out of character for you. Unfortunately, at this point its your word against Melissas, and we have a very strict policy about fighting at school. But I wasnt fighting at school! I tell him. I didnt even touch her! Mr. Morgan shakes his head. Heres whats going to happen. Since its only the first day of school and you arent what we refer to as troubled, youre going to receive an alternative to suspension. You can go back to class as normal and finish out the rest of the day. Monday and Thursday of next week you will stay after school until five oclock and go through anger management classes. Im so annoyed that I can barely speak. Anger management classes? I didnt even touch her! I dont have an anger problem. I didnt even touch her. Mr. Morgan sighs. Ashley, this is the best option that I can offer you. The alternative is two full days suspension, and somehow when I call your parents to explain the situation I think that this is going to sound a lot better to them than suspension on your first day back to school. The threat of my parents brings me back to reality and I start to relent. The last year has been really tough on my mom with the divorce and everything, and the last thing I need to do is cause her anymore stress, or give her and my dad something else to fight about. I sigh. I understand. All right then, Mr. Morgan says, closing the file thats on his desk and handing me the same yellow form I saw Melissa heading out of the office with before. Why dont you head back to class then. ******** I dont even make it halfway down the hall before Alexa flings her entire body on top of me and I almost fall over. Hey! I exclaim detangling her from me. Ive been pushed enough times for one day! What. The. Fuck. Happened? Alexas practically jumping up and down in front of me. The whole school is talking about you!

They are? I ask. Ha! Take that Melissa! The lie she told the principal must have traveled all over the school by now. Everyone is probably talking about how I was screaming in her face and she was so scared of me that she pushed me, begging me to not hit her! Hows that for karma? Yes, Alexa says. The whole school! Everyones saying that Melissa like totally laid your ass out in gym in front of everyone! That Melissa laid my ass out? She said you totally went crazy with jealousy because her and Austin were sitting together and she had to like totally put you in your place. Now once again, what the FUCK happened? Alexas talks so fast that Im starting to get lost in her words. Not that, not that even a little. And I am not obsessed with Austin. I could care less about the kid. Hes nothing to me. NOTHING! Im so filled with rage over this whole situation at this point that the words fly out of my mouth. It takes me about twenty seconds to realize something must be wrong, because Alexas just standing there with a blank expression on her face and not saying anything. Quiet is not something that Alexa does. Well, Alexa says, I should go. Then she sprints off down the hall, and when I turn around, confused, I see why. Austins standing about four feet from me. Chapter 5 The whole thirty seconds that its silent between us feels like the longest period of time in the history of the world. I hate being this close to him, my heart cant handle being this close to him right now. The pain still stings too much. He speaks first. I deserved that. Yeah, I say simply. You did. Look Ashley, about what happened last period, I dont blame you. I know Melissa can be a little bossy sometimes he trails off and suddenly every single bone in my body feels hot. Melissa? Are you honestly talking to me about Melissa right now? How could he possibly think that what happened with Melissa was the most important thing on my mind right now? Melissa who? She doesnt even matter, what I care about is why he was acting like we werent even friends anymore, how it was so easy for him to be such a jerk after spending almost the entire summer with me.

Austin looks everywhere but at me when he continues. Look I was up on the bleachers, I dont know exactly what happened, or if it was about me or whatever I laugh aloud. Oh please Austin, dont flatter yourself. It wasnt about you. Oh, so what are you saying--that Im not worth getting into a fight for? he snaps. Im not about to get into a stupid fight over how big his ego is, so I ask the question Ive wanted to know the answer to all day. Why have you been ignoring me since we got home? And why did you look away from me this morning? Why? Ashley, Im sorry, okay? His face softens when his eyes meet mine Its complicated. No, its not, Austin. Its not complicated at all. I thought we were friends. We are, he tells me. We are friends, Ash. No, I say. No we arent, because friends dont ignore one another for weeks or look the other way when they see each other in the hallway. No friends of mine act like that, Austin. He takes a step closer to me. Can you calm down? Youre like shaking. You need to relax. I steady myself and try to get my emotions under control. What happened? I ask him. He looks away from me again and I say his name. Austin, what happened? Tell me. He looks at me then and sighs. I guess I just got freaked out once I got back. I mean, the whole thing was just a little intense. Id never told anyone the stuff I told you in Florida. No one, especially not a girl. And then he trails off. And then what? I press him to continue. Nothing, its stupid. And then what Austin? He pauses, and for a second I think he might not answer, but he does. Mike Foley had this party a few days after I got home, and everyone was there, and they were all asking about my vacation, you know. So I started to talk about some of the stuff we didand

your name came up. Only Melissa and her friends started making this big deal, saying all this stuff about how weird you were and about how you probably planned to run into me down there andI justI dont know. Hes looking down at the ground now and I can tell hes ashamed of everything he just admitted to me. And you believed them? Because whatever Melissa and all her friends think must be true, right? No, he says forcefully. Not right, but at the time, I dont know. I dont know what I was thinking and I guess I started to treat you differently after that. I shake my head and hold back the tears that are beginning to form behind my eyes. We spent everyday together over the summer. You should have known me better than that. I know, he says, and hes so close to me now that I can feel his breath on my face. And Im really, really sorry. For a minute I almost believe him, I almost believe that he really is sorry, that he still cares and wants to make this right. But somewhere deep down inside of me is the truth. And the truth is that Im way too hurt to forgive him. I take a step away, muster up my strength, and look at him. Its too late for that. Youre a coward, and thats not the type of friend I want to have. Then I turn around on my heel and leave him standing there alone in the middle of the hall. Chapter 6 This is the worst first day of school Ive ever had. I swear its like set in the stars or something that my first day of school will always suck. I might as well just start staying home. Its not like I miss out on any learning on the first day, since nothing worth remembering is taught on the first day of school anyway. Im in the second floor bathroom now pacing back and forth like a crazy person. As soon as I left Austin standing in the middle of the hallway, I took out my phone and texted Alexa 911 telling her to meet me here, but so far no Alexa. Im so mad and upset about everything thats happened today that theres no way I can face going to class right now, especially with what everyones apparently already saying about me. Im not strong enough to deal with the looks or questions that are sure to come after the events of this morning. Im just about to give up on Alexa altogether when she finally comes busting through the bathroom door. Her hair is all disheveled, shes completely out of breath, and she appears to be limping or something.

Igot here... as fast... as I could, she tells me in between gasps for air. Jeez. Where were you? Canada? I ask. You dont look so good. She shoots me an annoyed look. Thats almost like a thank you for rushing to your rescue! Now tell me what happened after I left. Tell me this instant! Well, I say, hes a jerk! She considers this carefully before answering How so? The reason he hasnt been talking to me is because he went to a party after he got home and Melissa and all his friends were making fun of me, I announce And he cares what people think more than he cares about what I think. Alexa gasps. What. A. Pig. I know! Now Im starting to pace back and forth again. If he cares so much about what Melissa and her friends think, he can be their friend, not mine! Yeah! Alexa says now. Hes just as bad as them! He is isnt he? I say it more like a statement than a question. Yes! They deserve each other! Alexas kind of yelling now. Yeah! I say back just as loud. Screw them! Yeah! Alexa says. And to say he cares more about what people think than he does about you, OMG, like really, how pathetic is he? Yeah! I say, then realize what she just said. Wellhe didnt say that exactly per sebut close enough! I wait for Alexa to keep up with the back and forth chanting, which lets face it, at this point is actually starting to make me feel better, but she just looks at me kind of blankly. Well, what exactly did he say? Just what I said, that he went to a party and people were talking about me, and it freaked him out. And did he feel bad?

He tried to say he was sorry, like Id ever forgive him! HA! I say. Then I throw in a Tthe JERK! as a last effort to start our ranting back up again, but Alexa doesnt seem to be having it. He said sorry? She asks and suddenly she looks kind of thoughtful. Hmm, why dont you tell me exactly what happened. So I replay to Alexa the exact conversation as I remember it and when Im done shes quiet. Well? I ask her. Can you believe him? So, Alexa says .He didnt really say all his friends were talking about you? He said it was mostly just Melissa and her friends? Well, I guess. Im a little annoyed now. I mean Alexas my best friend, shouldnt she be like ready to hunt him down and tell him off or something? But its pretty much the same thing. Well not really,Ash. She takes out her makeup bag and starts reapplying her makeup like maybe this conversation wasnt as intense as she once thought. I mean, weve known Melissa and those girls since middle school, and we both know more than anyone how manipulative they can be. They can be so over the top and convincing in what they say that sometimes you cant help but get wrapped up in it for a little while. I cant even believe youre sticking up for him right now. Youre my best friend. She sets the eyeliner in her hand down and turns to look at me. Im not sticking up for him, what he did was wrong, no doubt--but I dont know. Maybe you should hear him out. Well, I dont want to, I tell her stubbornly. Yes you do. She says matter of factly. I gasp aloud. No, I do not. She smiles a sad smile. Deep down you do. How do you know what I want? I demand. You dont know whats going on in my head. Youre right, I dont. But I know youre my best friend and I know that you were happier this summer than you have been in a really long time. No I wasnt, I say, but it sounds unconvincing even to me. Alexa stares at me a second. Oh yeah? she says and shes digging around for something in her purse. A few seconds later she retrieves her cell phone and starts scrolling through her texts.

What is she thinking? Cant she see Im going through a crisis here? Who could she possibly need to text at this exact moment? She should really start to take best friend lessons or something, I mean honestly, this is just getting ridiculous. Then suddenly she starts reading aloud from her phone. I never thought Id say this Lexever-but Im really glad Austin ended up being here. Ive never felt as close to a boy as I do with him. I recognize the text immediately. Its one I sent Alexa over the summer one night after me and Austin had just gone mini golfing. Before I can react, Alexa starts reading off another text. I feel like I can tell Austin anything and he would never laugh at me, even if it was totally stupid. Is that weird? Where did you get those? I demand, reaching for her phone. I saved them, locked them right up. She puts her phone behind her back. Want me to read you more? I have plenty. No, I snap, I dont. And why would you even save those? Cause, Alexa says, you were happy, for the first time in a long time. You werent stressed out about your parents divorce, or about things that you shouldnt be worrying about, Ashley. You werent worried about things that are completely out of your control, you were just happy. Austin helped do that, and its easy to forget that when youre upset. I dont say anything and she continues. Or we could just stop all this pretending and talk about whats really killing you right now, Ash. And whats that? You dont send texts like this about someone you dont care about as more than a friend. Youre upset because you got close to him, which I get. But its okay to admit that you like him, and you like him a lot. Until we address that, youre not going to get anywhere. I think about denying it, about telling her shes crazy, but I know deep down that shes right. I do like Austin. I do. A lot. And if I cant trust my best friend with that, who can I trust? So I nod instead. I know.

Alexa smiles Then tell him. Fight for him, Ash. If you cant do it, if things could never be the same, I get it. But if any of this was real, she says, waving her phone in the air, then Id give it a chance, Id fight for it. Dont let Melissa and her snobby friends ruin the first real thing youve had in a long time. Thats all Im saying. She knows she has me, even before she wraps up her speech. I can tell by the look on her face. But if you cant do that, she says, I respect you enough to not push it, cause youre my best friend, and I love you no matter what. I look away from her, not because Im mad at her, but because everything she just said to me is really hitting home. He probably hates me now anyway. She looks at me, amused. He doesnt hate you, now come here. For what? So I can do your makeup. You cant get him back looking like that. Chapter 7 Twenty minutes later my foundation is freshly applied, my cheeks are bronzed, and my eyes are perfectly lined with a light gray glittery eye shadow. My hair is now full of volume and falling in bouncy layers around my face, thanks to the million hair products Alexa magically pulled out of her bag. You can never be too prepared, she told me. I look at myself in the mirror and I cant help but admit to myself that I look pretty good. Perfect. Almost perfect. Alexa pulls her sparkly sweater over her head so all shes left wearing is a long black tank top, which still looks amazing with her outfit. Here, she says, handing me her sweater. Lex I start to protest but she shoves the sweater in my hand. Take it. I slide the fabric over my head and I feel beautiful. The sweater was oversized on her short frame but on me its just right and it hugs my body in just the right way. She hands me her oversized white hoop earrings, and theyre the perfect final touch.

I feel a lot better. And its not just because I look amazing, either. Its because I have a best friend who would skip class just to sit in the bathroom with me and do my makeup and talk to me after I had a really horrible day. Suddenly I feel like I might start crying. Oh no! Alexa cries. Whats wrong now? You look gorg! No nothing. I turn to look at her. Im just really glad youre my best friend. Alexa smiles, shakes her head, then rolls her eyes. We can totally have a Disney channel moment later, okay? I promise. But right now lets go find the guy of your dreams. I smile, and let her pull me into the hallway. Now all we have to do is figure out where he is, I say. Me and Alexa both stop turn to each other. Karli, we say at the same time. Ill text her, Alexa announces, pulling out her phone. One new text, yay! Alexa says as she unlocks her phone. Ugh, its from Shannon Fuller. Shes still chasing me around about that sweater I borrowed at the beginning of summer. I mean it was so last season, and how was I to know I wasnt supposed to put it in the dryer, I mean really... but then she stops in mid sentence and the look on her face is one filled with worry and anxiety. What? I ask her, trying to get closer to her screen so I can see what it says. What does it say? Alexa hits the power button on her phone and the screen goes black. It says get to the caf now, your sisters in trouble. Me and Alexa stare at each other for a second and then both take off running down the hall towards the cafeteria. ****************** Alexa swings the doors of the cafeteria open and I practically trip over her heels, Im so close behind her. The door slams shut after us and I scan the room for any sign of Karli. At first I think Shannon must have made a mistake because everything appears to be normal, everyones laughing and eating, and I dont see Karli anywhere. Then Alexa grabs my arm and points down to the very other end of the caf, and I see it. Karli and Melissa standing face to face and whatever words theyre exchanging do not seem to be pleasant.

Me and Alexa rush to Karlis side. Um, whats going on? Alexa asks in a calm voice, a voice that even to me sounds like a voice of reason. She keeps throwing stuff at me, Karli says. So I came over to tell her to knock off her shit. I look to the table next to where were standing and notice that its all Melissas friends. A few seats down I can see Austin out of the corner of my eye. His presence is enough to send butterflies shooting through my stomach. Suddenly I start to feel nervous, not only because Austins here, but because this isnt even my lunch period, and the last thing I need is my parents getting a phone call saying Ive been in the principals office twice in one day. And I was just saying, Melissas voice pulls me out of my thoughts and back to reality, that I didnt throw anything at her, so maybe she should stop ACCUSING people of things that arent true. Shes talking loudly and people are starting to look at us now. Alexa sighs. Come on Karli, lets just go sit down. No! Karli says. I KNOW it was her. AND I want to HIT her! The cafs getting quiet, and I can see people stretching their necks a little to see whats going on. I cant help but wonder where the teachers are that are supposed to be monitoring lunch. I mean, I know its the first day of school, but come on, isnt that why we have teachers? To, uh, monitor things like this? I sigh and nudge Karli away from Melissa a little. Come on, I tell her. Trust me when I say its not worth the battle. Melissa snorts. What battle is that, Ashley? News flash; you lost. Take a look around, no one in this room really cares if you exist or not. Youre ugly, and if you disappeared, I highly doubt anyone would notice. The words are sharp and humiliating. I know everyone in the caf has probably just heard what she said and part of me wants to run out of the room crying, and another part of me wants to slap that smug look off her face. I dont do either though. I just laugh. I find myself laughing. The look on her face now is one of shock and annoyance but Im laughing and I cant help it, I just cant stop. Finally, I compose myself and shrug. Youre wrong, Melissa. Im not ugly and I have people who care about me. But if I were ugly and if no one cared if I ever showed up at this school again, Id still rather have either one of those things than be like you. I can feel everyones eyes on me, but I dont stop talking. Id rather be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and

know Im a good person than turn out like you. You make other peoples lives miserable to make yourself feel better. And that must get really, really lonely sometimes. I turn and meet Alexas eyes for a second before starting to walk out of the cafeteria. Melissas response is so loud that it echoes through the entire room. All the makeup in the world doesnt change the fact that youre a freak, Ashley. Its not her voice that stops me in my tracks, though. Its the voice of the person who talks next. Shes not a freak. Its a simple statement and if it had come from anyone else I wouldnt have even stopped, but the sound of his voice makes me turn around to meet his eyes. Austin. Hes getting up from his chair now and walking around the table And you he says, stopping in front of Melissa, are soso...God, youre just so annoying. Melisss mouth drops open like she cant believe what he just said. But Austin keeps talking. If I have to hear another stupid story about how you manage to never wear the same outfit more than once Im going to literally go crazy. A few of the boys sitting at Melissas table laugh and she shoots them a dirty look. I dont want to be your friend Melissa, I dont even want to look at you. Oh, Melissa says but you want to be HER friend? Austin turns and looks at me. Thats the thing. I havent been her friend. Friends dont leave one another, or ignore one another, just because of what people say. And thats on me. But for the record, I think she looks beautiful. Even without the makeup. I cant help the warmth that comes over my body when he says it, or the smile that appears on my face. I take a step toward him Friends do stick up for one another when someones hurting them though, I tell him. So we only have one problem then. With every word out of his mouth hes taking another step toward me. I dont want to be your friend. I want to be your boyfriend. Hes so close to me now I can feel his breath when he talks, he smells like cinnamon and vanilla, and somewhere in the back of my mind Im aware that the whole lunchroom is still staring at us. Austin

Dont, he says. Dont pay attention to everyone looking at us. Only look at me, because youre the only person I see. And then in the middle of the cafeteria with everyone watching, Austin kisses me. And somewhere in the deepest part of my heart I realize that this is the best first day of school ever. Table of Contents Chapter 1 Chapter Two Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Table of Contents Chapter 1 Chapter Two Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7