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EXT. SPACE - X As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States. The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It’s winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart. NARRATOR (V.O.) It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago. And that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever. EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING NARRATOR (V.O.) It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston. We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at each other in the street. NARRATOR (V.O.) It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids. Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled, and starts walking up the street. One of the snowballthrowing kids points at the sled kid. KID #1 Hey, Greenbaum! GREENBAUM Uh oh. KID #1 It’s Jesus’ birthday tomorrow! what I’m gonna get him? GREENBAUM W...what? (CONTINUED) You know
KID #1 My fist in your fuckin’ face! GREENBAUM Why would Jesus want that? KID #2 Get him! The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy and innocent-looking) approaches the melee. NARRATOR (V.O.) But there was one child who wasn’t in such good spirits. Little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends. JOHN Hey guys, can I play? The kids all look at him. KID #1/#2/#3 Get outta here! / Get outta here, Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett! The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John. GREENBAUM Yeah, Bennett, get outta here! The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly walks back toward his house. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER NARRATOR (V.O.) John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own. And he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go. John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands, looking outside. John’S POV - We see the other kids all playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun. NARRATOR (V.O.) Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. (MORE) (CONTINUED)
Inside is a My Little Pony. Inside is a “Darth Vader head” action figure case.O. EXT. John./ESTAB. It makes a cutesy. smiling. adorable-looking teddy bear. JOHN’S DAD I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year. INT.SAME NARRATOR (V. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE . INT.) And for little John Bennett. John hugs the teddy bear. The boy holds it with delight.MORNING INT. John gasps with delight. smiling. Joe Hovercraft. Inside is a plush. revealing that it’s full of “Star Wars” action figures.) (CONT'D) All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. Inside is a G. The boy jumps around ecstatically. She smiles with delight.MORNING A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on.I. (CONTINUED) . The boy is overjoyed.3 CONTINUED: NARRATOR (V.MORNING ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on. The boy opens it up. huh? JOHN’S MOM (kissing him) Merry Christmas. A SUBURBAN HOUSE . A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE . highpitched “I wuv you” sound. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE . We see him opening a present. INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE .O. JOHN Wow! HIS MOM AND DAD hug him. Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.MORNING A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on. smiling. John sits amidst unwrapped gifts.
(CONTINUED) . and snuggles with it. INT.O. JOHN (CONT’D) I’m gonna name you Teddy..LIVING ROOM . JOHN’S ROOM . Occasionally he gives Ted a “bite. I pooped in my hand and threw it at a duck. There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets. JOHN’S HOUSE . JOHN (CONT’D) (hugging him) I love you too. can I tell you something nobody knows? Teddy looks back at him. Was that mean? He squeezes Ted.) John became instantly attached to Teddy. squeezing the bear to make it talk. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next to him. And they have this duck pond there.” NARRATOR (V. JOHN (CONT’D) Last week. expressionless.. JOHN (CONT’D) You know. my mom and dad took me to the park for a picnic. Because then we could be best friends forever and ever. who once again makes the “I wuv you” sound.DAY John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film “Flash Gordon” on TV. and..4 CONTINUED: JOHN He talks! John giggles happily.. I wish you could really talk to me. INT..NIGHT JOHN Hey Teddy. as his mom and dad exchange a smile.. Teddy! John gets into bed with the teddy bear. when nobody was looking.
It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry. Suddenly. (beat) Except an Apache helicopter.CONTINUOUS The camera pivots around to face the sky. frantically. Well. At the center of the clouds. We see the snow falling from moonlit clouds. there is a small patch of open air through which we can see stars. JOHN’S HOUSE . He turns over to face Teddy. The camera moves toward the window. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John picked the perfect night to make a wish. JOHN’S BEDROOM . INT. it’s that nothing is more powerful than a young boy’s wish. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.SAME John slowly opens his eyes. An absolute death machine. EXT.CONTINUOUS SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear’s face as John lies sleeping next to it.. a bit more concerned) Teddy?! (CONTINUED) . NARRATOR (V. John bolts upright and looks around. NEIGHBORHOOD .NEXT MORNING The house and yard are covered with snow. and drifts outside.O. if there’s one thing you can be sure of. It pulls back from the house slowly.) Now..5 CONTINUED: John drifts off to sleep. a shooting star whizzes by through the opening. JOHN’S BEDROOM . INT. as it turned out. JOHN Teddy? (beat.
Teddy blinks once. here I am. we get to be best friends...: We see the face of Teddy staring right at him. looking right into the camera. wide eyed. John... JOHN (CONT’D) Teddy? John sits up again and freezes... JOHN (beat) You’re alive?! TEDDY Uh-huh. breathing heavily. He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed’s perimeter. John yelps and stumbles back. for real? TEDDY For real. TEDDY Don’t look so surprised. did you just talk? TEDDY You’re my best friend.O.6 CONTINUED: John looks under the covers. Teddy. TEDDY Hug me. JOHN You mean. he checks underneath the bed. aren’t you? JOHN Yeah... falling over.. JOHN Whoa. assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the night.V. JOHN Forever and ever? (CONTINUED) He stares at . ANGLE FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around. ANGLE ON JOHN’S P. You’re the one who wished for it. JOHN Did you. I. I did wish for it. TEDDY Well.. Finally. but the bear is not there.
JOHN’S MOM (playing along) Really. he’s alive! For real! Look! Teddy walks in and stands next to John. KITCHEN . JOHN’S MOM Well. JOHN’S DAD Jesus H. John runs into the kitchen.) John was just about the happiest boy in the world. everybody! John’s Dad scrambles to his feet. Mom! Dad! alive! JOHN Guess what?! My teddy bear’s John’s Mom and Dad look at each other and smile. putting it on their plates. He gets up. INT. (slyly) And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night. runs NARRATOR (V. sweetie? Well.O. knocking plates off the table.SHORTLY AFTER John’s Dad sits at the breakfast table. TEDDY Merry Christmas.7 CONTINUED: TEDDY Sounds good to me. And he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news. reading the paper as John’s Mom prepares eggs and bacon. John’s mom screams. A huge grin spreads across John’s face. to Teddy and hugs him. JOHN’S DAD One of the best. JOHN No mom. that’s exciting. Fuck! (CONTINUED) . I think we had a wonderful Christmas this year.
. get away from that thing! over here.8 CONTINUED: TEDDY Let’s all be best friends! JOHN’S MOM Oh my god. Come A . JOHN Yeah. JOHN’S DAD (CONT’D) Helen. JOHN’S DAD John. JOHN Dad. who grabs him and protectively pulls him aside. NARRATOR (V. They stare at Teddy for a beat. Steve. no! TEDDY Is it a hugging gun? JOHN’S DAD Helen. get my gun.. Dad! I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive.O. I didn’t mean to scare anybody. it’s a miracle. Bennett.. right now! JOHN But Dad-JOHN’S DAD GET OVER HERE! John reluctantly walks over to his dad. Mr. it wasn’t long before the story of John’s little miracle was sweeping the nation. and call the police! TEDDY I’m sorry. and my wish came true! JOHN’S MOM (astonished whisper) My god. get my gun. Christmas miracle.. I just wanted John and I to be friends.) Well.
. She buries her . Scientists are stumped as to how. is over her left shoulder. A NEWSCASTER Out of a Boston suburb comes what is. SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! INT. MALE NEWSCASTER (ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE) He strikes her for an unclear reason. JAPANESE NEWSROOM .DAY (ON TV) A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER sit behind the desk.DAY (ON TV) We see an 80’s FEMALE NEWSCASTER. FEMALE NEWSCASTER (SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS) The male newscaster turns sharply to her.9 INT.. at the top of the screen. A graphic of the bear FEMALE NEWSCASTER .DAY (ON TV) AA18 We see a ‘70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says “ACTION NEWS GEORGIA”... NEWSROOM . is a picture of the bear.. He points manically at the graphic of the bear above his left shoulder. ANOTHER NEWSROOM ..DAY (ON TV) We see an 80’s NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. DISSOLVE TO: INT. in shame. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM . AA18 INT. Between them. head in her hands. the most incredible story in the history of broadcast news. graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder. without a doubt.young boy’s stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons.
we now see them. with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy.) But through all the fame. TEDDY (CONT’D) Thunder buddies for life. JOHN (O. NARRATOR (V. (CONTINUED) ..) REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE INT. We see REAL FOOTAGE of “The Tonight Show” from the ‘80’s. will include Teddy walking out on stage.S. right? TEDDY (O. And the thunder knows it. who is sitting in the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible. JOHN’S BEDROOM . JOHN Teddy? TEDDY Yeah. John? JOHN Do you promise we’ll always be together? TEDDY I promise.NIGHT INT. shaking hands with Johnny and sitting down. TONIGHT SHOW .DAY (ON TV) NARRATOR (V.NIGHT John and Teddy are in bed.O. JOHN Thunder buddies for life. UNDER COVERS) Nope. ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS . Another thunder clap.S. We’re thunder buddies.) Before long. Teddy never forgot his very best friend.10 INT. John.O.. Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right. under the covers with a flashlight. A SHITTY APARTMENT . We’re totally safe. UNDER COVERS) The thunder can’t get us.
. then we CUT TO: INT. and Blue”. whether you’re Corey Feldman.DAY (PHOTO) Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a treehouse.It shows Ted shaking hands with Reagan. Frankie Muniz. EXT.. “Ted. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout. chins resting on their hands.) So where are John and Teddy today? Well. let me put it this way: no matter how big a splash you make in this world.O.11 CONTINUED: They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY. BACKYARD .O. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE . Here Comes Oat Bran!” and “The Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc.) And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot. White. BOSTON SKYLINE . “Goodbye Heart Disease. SMASH CUT TO: EXT.DAY (PHOTO) Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at the camera. NARRATOR (V. Smaller headlines read. we continue to pull back from the room to the outside of the moonlit house. dissolving through the covers. eventually nobody gives a shit.MORNING We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles roll.It shows Ted standing in front of an American flag. A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY . The headline reads. or a talking teddy bear.” A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY . The headline reads: “America’s Little Miracle”. PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the everyday bustle of the city. “Oliver North Draws the Heat” and “Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own ‘Robocop’?” . NARRATOR (V. Smaller headlines read. Justin Bieber. Over the following.
“UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH ‘TERMINATOR 2’s ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!” Down below in smaller print it says “Plus. PARK (PHOTO) Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday cake at John’s ninth birthday party.DAY (PHOTO) Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. we talk to Ted the bear”.DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing soapbox racer bit here) EXT. YOUNG JOHN’S HOUSE . who has Ted standing on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as tall as Larry. looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.DAY (PHOTO) Larry Bird stands with young John. INT. “Inside: The Best Show You’re Not Watching!” and “The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!” WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF “WHO’S THE BOSS?” INTO WHICH TED HAS BEEN INSERTED. SUBURBAN STREET .NIGHT (PHOTO) Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his bike up the street.DAY (PHOTO) John’s high school graduation. SCHOOL . EXT. Teenage John (CONTINUED) .12 EXT. Ted sits in the front basket. INT. LOCKER ROOM . A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with the headline “TV’S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!” Smaller headlines read.T. STREET . ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads. like E. EXT. EXT.NIGHT Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing as they watch the show. STREET .
AIRPORT . disapproving scowl.DAY (PHOTO) In the photo. with a deep. A graphic next to her reads “FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT”.” An arrow clicks on her name. It reads. . A MOVIE THEATER . INT. “In a Relationship With Lori Collins. EXT. Ted stands nearby. CHEESE . A news anchor addresses the camera. On her wall. OUTDOOR FAIR .The nightly news is in progress. Lori stands laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something) covering her eyes with his paws. it reads “Lori has added 3 new photos in the album Mobile Uploads”. arms crossed. EXT. also laughing at the incident. CHUCK E. Ted sits by his side. PARK .NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing “Phantom Menace” bit) INT. and gives the “finger” to the camera (the finger is pixilated).DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing Chuck E. laughing.13 CONTINUED: ANGLE ON A TV . A caption below reads “Ted caught with mushrooms at airport security”. EXT. He’s putting up a bit of a fight. with an unflattering photo of Ted.DAY (PHOTO) Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that John has won for her at a booth. Cheese bit) ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to the status indicator. going to her page. INT.DAY (VIDEO) We see Ted getting hauled away by security. presumably taken by John. JOHN’S ROOM .NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed.
DAY John and Lori paint the apartment walls. He steps back. EXT. We ANGLE ON Ted. Lori.JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted. Ted winks. and Ted sit on the couch. Lori. They scuffle playfully. each holding an ice cream cone. INT.14 EXT.NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE) John. but rides a smiling golden retriever. Ted hangs there like an idiot./ESTAB. and Ted play miniature golf. BASEBALL GAME . Lori and Ted sit outside at a table. She reacts. LAKE . and paints his back. EXT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . and a dab of ice cream on their upper lips. They stare deadpan at the camera. They are both on horses. ICE CREAM SHOP . . wearing helmets. STABLES . Lori sneaks up behind John.NIGHT (PHOTO) John. Lori smiles. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE . pushing the ball into the cup “accidentally”. slips. who stands on a little stepladder hammering a “Home Sweet Home” picture into the wall.DAY (PHOTO) John and Lori are set for a trail ride. the wine bottle on the table in front of them. but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall. which rolls to the lip of the cup. each with a dab of ice cream on their noses. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep. who also wears a helmet. John turns around and grabs her. All three sit with their legs crossed. Lori putts the ball. faux-pretentiously raising glasses of Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses. EXT. and then kiss.DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert “Jeter sucks” bit) EXT. .DAY (EXISTING PHOTO) EXT. He tugs. disappointed. and the ladder falls. John smiles back at her.DAY INT.DAY John.
Ted. smiling at the camera as he holds up his letters. JOHN That’s bullshit. uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life. he finds the box almost empty.NIGHT (PHOTO) We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. Reaching in for a last handful. for his part. He has a couple stains.DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE) (Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.MORNING INT.SAME CLOSE ON a bong. some small spots of exposed stuffing. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . John. She’s TED Lori’s from Pennsylvania. not a Boston girl./ ESTAB. and for the first time. He eats directly from a box of Fruity Pebbles. playing Scrabble. and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch. his snout inside the tube. He and John. INT. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted. It doesn’t faze him much. with an extra B and G to spare. It’s obvious he’s been around for three decades. are both clearly stoned as we join them. as he brushes them off. a paler. Ted sits on the sofa. EXT. Ted is in the foreground. who sits next to him. It’s quite obvious that this is a guy who has never really given up his childhood. who inhales. on the whole. and accidentally pours Fruity Pebbles all over his face. and worn-looking. TED All I’m sayin’ is Boston women are are. though.NIGHT John.15 INT.. (CONTINUED) . patched-up. Ted passes the bong to John. In the background are John and Lori. we see Ted in his present day form: he is ratty. He has spelled out the word “DOUCHE”. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . looks far too comfortable in the tooworn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. and there’s evidence of some half-assed sewing. BOSTON COMMON .) EXT. what about Lori? hot. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . and has never given up his teddy bear. He raises it to empty the remainder into his mouth. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT ..
” JOHN (looks at his watch) Oh fuck. half-white. It’s not even gettin’ me high.16 CONTINUED: JOHN They’re not that bad. They turn into drunk. I know this guy a long time. halfpink monsters after 2 hours at any beach. TED No.S. I’m gonna have a talk with him. TED I’ll drive you.) Jesus. 9/11. Ted takes a hit from the bong. I’ve known him since 9/11. and hurries into the other room to get dressed. Shit. I gotta get high. you mind pickin’ up a bird feeder on the way home? I wanna start enjoying the beauty of birds. JOHN Yeah. is it nine-thirty? gotta get to work. . Remember. I was like. TED I think it sucks. I feel fine. shit. JOHN (O. TED The fact that you have to say they’re not that bad means that they are that bad. I gotta have a talk with my weed guy.It’s workin’ for me. “Aw. TED (CONT’D) (coughs) Jesus. I John gets up. John takes a hit from the bong over Ted’s next line. JOHN I-. I don’t know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints. this is weak. TED Hey. I don’t know if I can drive.
LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR . ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE . is standing in the doorway. There are wooden blocks attached to the pedals so that his feet can reach them. John! Shit. JOHN/TED Aw. go. TED Is it bad? JOHN It’s not good. man.CONTINUOUS We see two shots of John’s car driving through the city: We see John in the passenger’s seat putting Visine into his eyes. scraping the car again. middle-aged man. with only Ted’s ears and eyes showing as he drives (his paws grip the wheel). Ted pulls forward. TED It’s okay. the branch manager. / Fuck. go. an intense. BOSTON STREETS .THOMAS. John gets out. Jesus. He abruptly pulls out into traffic. I’ll pull outta here. scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of the rental cars. JOHN Aw. EXT. Thomas! How are ya? Thomas dryly waves back.MORNING John’s car pulls up the street and into the parking lot. please? JOHN . ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. OTHER DRIVER Asshole! (CONTINUED) THOMAS May I speak with you. We then cut to an overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to reveal it crossing Boston’s huge suspension bridge.17 EXT. honking. He slams on the brakes. ANGLE ON Ted’s feet. and looks at the damage. and another car swerves a bit to get around him. (waving) Hi.
JOHN I know. THOMAS John. THOMAS What do you mean? JOHN (beat) I guess I. THOMAS’ OFFICE . I like hearing that. it’s almost ten o’clock. I promise. Fuck.SHORTLY AFTER Thomas sits at his desk facing John. INT. THOMAS Good. I will promote the fuck out of him if you fuck up one more time. THOMAS John. but you happen to be the least fucked-up person in the whole office. and you get my job when I go to corporate next month. The next least fucked-up is Alix. all you have to do is not fuck up. But I’m telling you. I’m sorry.. and you’ve been here three fucking years longer than him. That is all.18 CONTINUED: TED (overlapping) Easy. All you have to do is not fuck up. wasn’t really prepared for a follow-up question. it wasn’t my fault. is it? JOHN N--no. Jersey license! Ted drives away. JOHN Sir. You will be the new branch manager. and all you’re doing is fucking up.000-a-year branch manager who’s personal friends with Tom Skerritt. Because in a month my life now could be your life: a cushy $38.. Not that I don’t think you’re too fucked up to handle not fucking up my job. (CONTINUED) . It’s not a bad life. you’re not gonna regret promoting the fuck out of me.
THOMAS So? JOHN Tom Skerritt. THOMAS Goddamn right. Now get outta here. JOHN (slightly overdone) Wowwww.19 CONTINUED: THOMAS Did you know I’m friends with Tom Skerritt? JOHN No. What? JOHN Top Gun. INT. THOMAS I won’t let you .MOMENTS LATER John emerges from Thomas’ office. and for the scratch on that car. Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow. because I don’t want anyone treating me differently. down. sir. and walks out into the front desk area. I will. I’m gonna dock you for being late. Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom Skerritt. John exits. (CONTINUED) JOHN Thank you. THOMAS Oh. wow. THOMAS I’ll show you something I don’t show too many people. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE . THOMAS (CONT’D) That’s me and Tom Skerritt. Goose.
And then at 4:30 I texted the same person saying thanks. Maybe. The couple exits. Guy. yeah. He looks tired. JOHN Do you think you’re part of some. here’s your key and rental agreement.. handing a car key and a rental envelope to a pleasant-looking couple. You mind covering for me for a bit? I’m gonna go lay down in the john. GUY Same as last time.. JOHN It. like.20 CONTINUED: We see his coworker. I don’t remember any of it. I was so fucked up. what happened? GUY I don’t know. GUY Hey. and a little bruised. it just seems gay. doesn’t it? GUY I don’t know. I got fuckin’ wasted last night. and a complimentary map of Boston. JOHN Jesus. I might be gay. you look like shit. heard you got busted. Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton type). GUY There you go. Thanks for choosing Liberty. HUSBAND/WIFE Thank you. I dig chicks. Guy turns to face John. (CONTINUED) . gay beat-up underworld? Like one of those gay beat-up clubs? GUY I don’t know./Thanks so much. drive safely. disheveled. I don’t know. and my phone says I texted somebody at 3:15 asking them to beat me up. JOHN And you don’t remember it? No. man.
ALIX Hey you buddies. you are less fat than you have been. thanks Alix. a foreign guy with a vague European accent. Over the following. an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl. TANYA Hi you guys. that’s good I guess. and I wanted to take her someplace nice. enter from the back with a set of keys. I worked out this morning. does anybody know a nice restaurant? Like something where the napkins are cloth? GUY For what? JOHN Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow. Where’s it hanging? GUY/JOHN Hey Alix. JOHN Hey guys. We see TANYA. but I made friends in the line. and a great tan walks up. TANYA Aw. John. well. / Hey. Tanya puts the keys away.21 CONTINUED: Guy starts to leave. GUY Oh. TANYA Oh wow. long dark hair. (CONTINUED) . ALIX I can tell. congratulations. when ALIX. walks over to her station and sits. I didn’t get in because the bouncer was doucheface. how was the club last night? ALIX Ah. ALIX You look so pretty today.
I am outta here. not very tolerant. GUY Really. JOHN Why? GUY I dunno.. man. GUY Lori ever fart in front of you? JOHN Yes. just seems like-.never mind.. Was gone before she woke up. GUY That’s in-(high-pitched) --saaaane. you’re. GUY You Italian? JOHN No. GUY Oh. JOHN Wow. TANYA Don’t you think after four years. and then she farted in her sleep. I’m like.22 CONTINUED: GUY You guys‘ve been goin’ out for four years? JOHN Yeah. huh. maybe she’s probably hoping for something more than dinner? JOHN Like what? (CONTINUED) . my longest relationship was like six months. take her to Benihana. Yes. JOHN Many times.
but so good. isn’t love enough? I submit that love is enough. The TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film “Flash Gordon. bookending the day. let’s nail down a plan for the Bruins game tomorrow night. a study in contrasts.23 CONTINUED: TANYA Well. GUY You could put the ring in her ass and let her fart it out. I’d be expecting a proposal. EXT. JOHN Oh. I mean./ ESTAB. Flash! (then) Hey. before I forget.LATE AFTERNOON INT. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT .. nobody’s expecting anybody to propose. Marriage isn’t.SAME John and Ted sit on the couch. JOHN I can’t. John drinks a beer as they watch TV.. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . JOHN Oh come on. (CONTINUED) . I’m taking Lori to dinner. I love this part. (singing along) HE’S FOR EVERY ONE OF US! TED (singing along) STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US! JOHN (singing along) HE’LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY FLASH! TED Fuck yeah.” As “Flash’s Theme” plays: JOHN So bad. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. if I were her. in the same exact spots we saw them earlier. TED Yes.
do you think she might be expecting me to make that kinda move? TED No. big. a circular gold thing on the finger. (CONTINUED) . asshole? Stop it! JOHN Jesus Christ. It’s a bad idea. you don’t think she’s gonna be expecting something. I mean. we’ve been dating four years tomorrow.. TED Nice.... JOHN I guess I didn’t think about that. do you? TED (beat) What. Oh. JOHN Lemme ask you something. and starts playfully punching him in the face.24 CONTINUED: TED For what? JOHN Well.. What with the economy and.. the credit bubble. fuck that! It’s four years! I have been together 27 years! You and Ted jumps on John. TED Oh. like anal? JOHN No. And it’s the wrong time. fuck me. ANGLE ON TV . look at Haiti. knock it off! He throws Ted off of him.We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the Merciless. Johnny? Where’s my ring... TED (CONT’D) Where’s my ring. JOHN (CONT’D) I mean.. the Supreme Court. John.... like.
LORI Hi guys. JOHN Hey. TED Hey. John gets up and gives Lori a kiss. Are we having homos over for dinner or something? LORI (wiseass) No. right here.25 CONTINUED: KLYTUS (ON TV) Who are you? FLASH (ON TV) Flash Gordon. Okay. A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world. sweetie. LORI I think you just got me stoned. The front door opens and LORI. Ooh. an attractive girl in her mid to late 20’s. JOHN Tom Brady could do that. enters holding several grocery bags. Jets. TED Oh. TED Tom Brady could do that. just you homos. TED/JOHN Whoa!!! (CONTINUED) . Lori. JOHN (re: groceries) What do we got there? LORI Turkey burgers. New York JOHN This is the American fantasy. Quarterback.
a coupla’ Charles Brew-Kowskis? TED Yes. LORI Wait. JOHN How’s your dickhead boss? LORI Rex is fine. JOHN I’m not saying this to be mean. who’s that? Is that good? JOHN She’s a comedienne. LORI He’s harmless. (CONTINUED) . We see Lori roll her eyes. JOHN Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski? She’s heard this before. but I really hope that fucker gets leukemia. TED Hey Johnny. He only hit on me once today. Oh nice. You got yourself a regular Toni Collette. I can handle it. John. while you’re up. grab me a beer. work? LORI Good. LORI Jesus.26 CONTINUED: TED She’s funny. LORI Is she pretty? How was JOHN She’s as pretty as she is funny. huh? JOHN (crossing to fridge) Oh yeah. so that’s good. a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice right about now.
what do you mean? JOHN It doesn’t work. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . the name has to have a “ski” at the end of it. INT. TED No. JOHN/TED Ohhhh.27 CONTINUED: TED Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski? LORI Y’know. LORI I thought we were just doing funny names. LORI (off iPad) Oh. don’t ruin it. John comes out of the bathroom.SAME Lori lies in bed holding an iPad. that doesn’t work!/Come on.NIGHT It’s raining. then we would just be idiots saying nonsense. You just put “brewski” on the end of Martina Navratolova. EXT. They did? JOHN What happened? LORI It says they got separated and one of them had his foot trapped under a rock for five days. yeah. LORI Bullshit. reading a gossip news site. they found those missing hikers. (CONTINUED) . Otherwise where’s the challenge? If there’s no “ski” at the end of the root word. look. I think I might also have a Martina Navra-ti-brewski./ ESTAB. with an occasional roll of thunder. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . with the TV on. that doesn’t work. it’s gotta have a “ski” at the end. and cozies up next to her.
JOHN You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I’d chew it off to get you free. LORI (sweetly) You would? JOHN I sure would. (beat) Is that cannibalism? LORI No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you swallow. JOHN Oh yeah, no, I don’t swallow. She laughs. Really? you. LORI That’s not what I heard about
JOHN It’s not true, I’m a fuckin’ classy broad. LORI (laughs again) I can see that. (then) Y’know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella’s a really expensive restaurant. If you want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow night. I don’t care, as long as we’re together. JOHN You kiddin’ me? Four years we been going out, I’m takin’ you to the best place in town. I been crappin’ out room for it for two days, I know exactly what I’m gonna order. LORI (leaning in to kiss him) You’re disgusting. JOHN And you get to pick any bottle of wine.
LORI Ooh. JOHN Any bottle of 2012 wine. LORI Oh, are the new wines in? JOHN They are in and they. Are. Fresh. She leans over and kisses him again. JOHN (CONT’D) I love you. LORI I love you, too. They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate. She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a thunder clap from outside. JOHN Ah, come on! LORI (shaking her head) I don’t understand it, 35 years old, and you’re still scared of a little thunder. JOHN I am not. We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and John. TED Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny? C’mon, let’s sing the thunder song! JOHN/TED (singing) WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON’T YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS: FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS / YOU CAN’T GET ME THUNDER, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE JUST GOD’S FARTS. TED Boomp.
He kisses her back.
Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan. EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY Lori enters the building. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs that read “PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS.” Lori goes to her desk, looking exhausted. Lori’s office friends, GINA, MICHELLE, and TRACY approach. GINA Wow...Baby, I’m not saying this to be nasty, but you look really tired. LORI Oh, I’m okay... except I didn’t have time for breakfast, the garage was full, I spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a boyfriend who can’t sleep through a storm without his teddy bear. GINA I don’t understand why you keep putting up with him. TRACY Yeah, I mean, the guy’s thirty-five years old and he’s working for a rental car service. LORI No, it’s not that, I don’t care about that. I’d love him even if he was a janitor. I mean, he’s got a huge heart, we laugh together all the time, and it’s just a bonus that he’s like the hottest guy in Boston. GINA Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is like being the classiest Kardashian. LORI I just wish he could get his life together, you know? Our life. And he can’t, and I swear to god, it’s all because of that bear.
31 CONTINUED: MICHELLE You should give him an ultimatum: it’s you or the bear.. LORI (sigh) Okay. I mean. you don’t really think that. what if he chose Ted? And MICHELLE Oh come on. Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a “help!” look. OFFICE ENTRYWAY .. mid-30’s.. I swear. LORI Not really. GINA Fuck off. TRACY No they don’t. Tracy. (CONTINUED) .. MICHELLE He’s such an asshole. LORI Actually Rex. expensive suit) walks into the office. REX Well hello there. LORI I can’t do that. That’s just something girls say when something bad happens to them that they don’t understand. fine. I have a lot of work I need to get to-REX Oh. this is work. INT. he’d be devastated. and approaches the gathering of female employees.CONTINUOUS Lori’s boss REX (asshole handsome. but what if? MICHELLE Well then. things happen for a reason. Sorry if I’m interrupting any private girl talk about Channing Tatum’s index finger but Lori I need to see you in my office.
GINA Out of control. Such a sleaze. TRACY You guys are so pathetic. You’re shitting on Rex, and you both had sex with him. Short beat. GINA/MICHELLE Like once./I was drunk. GINA And so did you. TRACY Well, I didn’t want one of you whores getting promoted before me. INT. REX’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk. LORI So... what do you need to talk to me about, Rex? Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it to her. REX See that? That’s me on the diving team in high school. We dove the shit outta that pool that year. If you look close, you can see the outline of my root. LORI (annoyed) You promised this was about work. REX Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don’t you like me? I’m rich, I’m good-looking, my dad owns the company-LORI I have a boyfriend, Rex. know this. I think you
REX Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that’s a cute relationship, but I’m talking about being with a real man, Lori. (MORE) (CONTINUED)
33 CONTINUED: REX (CONT'D) Someone who wears a blazer on an airplane.
LORI (standing up) I’m very busy. REX Well then, how do you have all that time to be in my head? LORI Goodbye, Rex. Lori exits Rex’s office. Rex casually gets up, strolls over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells his hand. INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET NIGHT INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS John and Lori sit across from each other at a romantically set table. They’ve just finished their meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his plate. LORI (satisfied sigh) That was perfect. A WAITRESS approaches. WAITRESS Would you like me to wrap up your leftovers? LORI Oh no, I’m fine, thanks. John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell, which has the face and eyes on it. JOHN Actually, could you wrap just this up for me? I wanna scare the shit outta somebody. WAITRESS (beat) Sure.
The waitress walks away. LORI (mildly amused) What are you, five years old? JOHN Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level. Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries. WAITER Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and champagne. LORI Ooh, Cristal. JOHN It’s a special night. We’ve been dating for four years. (taking bottle) And hey, all those rich black people can’t be wrong, right? LORI It doesn’t seem like four years, does it? JOHN (affectionately taking her hand) No, it doesn’t. LORI You had no business being out on that dance floor, but I’m glad you were. INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a girl, and doing it very badly. He’s putting too much into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move, accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up, when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet. JOHN Oh my god, are you okay? sorry! Oh god, I’m so
(CONTINUED) . Name the movie.. JOHN (beat... I’m so so sorry! you! It was an accident! I didn’t see LORI Well. JOHN Oh Jesus.. I’m fine. He reaches into a nearby glass. here’s a question that’ll show how much you actually care about me. yeah. She sits down. LORI My head hurts a lot.m. and wraps it in a napkin.. You remember we stayed and talked until the place closed. He puts it against her head.NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE) LORI Okay. RESTAURANT . No. noticing too) I’m.. LORI I’m Lori. let me get you some ice. pulls out a handful of ice. Sorry. yes. and then we went for late night eggs and waffles. They smile at each other. JOHN Did you hurt your head? Um. I’m John. I would hope it was an accident. JOHN (CONT’D) Does it hurt? LORI (beat. watching a movie on the little TV in the diner.. INT..35 CONTINUED: LORI (a little stunned) Yeah.. JOHN Here. I’m. She inhales sharply for a moment. and we stayed there til 5 a. Oh. man.. No it’s okay. I. noticing him for the first time) N.
CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT . and tosses it O.S. He then strikes a “finger up” disco pose. as we cut back to: INT. wearing a white Navy officer’s uniform. how do you remember it? INT. John takes his hat off. (CONTINUED) . John suavely takes off his jacket. my dancing was not that bad. and tosses it O. LORI So do people with Parkinson’s. locks eyes with Lori. LORI Gold star. JOHN But does that show that I care about you. He jumps up. JOHN That’s not how I remember it. who is up on the dance floor. He and Lori begin disco dancing simultaneously. LORI (laughing) Your dancing was bad. They circle one another for a beat.NIGHT (FLASHBACK) We see John leaning against the bar.36 CONTINUED: JOHN Octopussy. locking his legs around Lori.NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE) LORI Whatever you say. JOHN I had some cool moves. He struts up to the dance floor. a la Ted Stryker in “Airplane!” as “Stayin’ Alive” blasts from the jukebox. LORI Yeah. baby. ANGLE ON LORI. with a bullet SFX. or I care about Roger Moore? LORI I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. coolly. done up like Julie Hagerty. JOHN Thank you. SMOKY TAVERN .S. twirls it in the air a few times. And by the way. who spins him around in circles.
Inside is a pair of nice. JOHN Check out the card. JOHN Those are the ones you liked. Lori looks excited. but-LORI No. Lori unwraps the box and opens it. John slides the box over to Lori. here. Well. we didn’t. John. huh? They clink glasses. JOHN (CONT’D) Now I know we said no gifts. LORI There was no such rule. here’s to four more years. um. Yeah. Thanks. She picks it up. but not-super-expensive-looking earrings. I’ve wanted to give this to you for a long time. She opens up the card.” JOHN (CONT’D) See. LORI (unenthused) Great.37 CONTINUED: JOHN Hey. JOHN --But. for you. I got you something anyway. JOHN Lori. It says. LORI Oh. This is (CONTINUED) . I even wrote the words with different colored markers so you wouldn’t get bored while you were reading it. John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small box. right? From that kiosk at the mall? LORI Oh. which we see as John describes it. in clear violation of the “no gift” rule. “Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you. and take a sip.
but it’s important to me that you have the engagement ring you deserve. here we go-LORI John. so we can get on with our lives. all I want is-JOHN I know. Lori. I mean his was analog. LORI John. I love it! She reacts a bit to this. JOHN (CONT’D) Y’know. I’m only saying this because I love you. JOHN Yeah. but that’s not realistic. I mean. JOHN Oh.. JOHN (opens box) Oh wow. very nice watch.. Jesus. And what with the credit bubble. and just enjoy our anniversary dinner? (CONTINUED) .. You’re never gonna have any kind of a career if you’re always partying and wasting time with Ted.. But I wanna wait ‘til I can get you something really special. please get him to find his own place.. JOHN Look. revealing a LORI I remember you liked it when you saw Tom Brady wearing one in GQ. but this is so awesome.38 CONTINUED: Lori hands John a small box. there’s gonna be a ring in there. LORI Look.. a Hamilton! He puts it on his wrist. y’know? I just don’t have the money right now. look at Haiti. can we talk about this another time. I don’t need the Hope diamond. He opens it up. the Supreme Court. (indicating box) Someday.
too. She laughs. And unless you’re too blind to notice. JOHN I love you. LORI And. Look. I’ve put the best physical years of my life into this. And I was not a popular child. I mean. So. You know that. Fine. ‘Cause I can have sex with you. You’re thirty-five.39 CONTINUED: LORI Yeah. but I didn’t. we can’t talk about this every time we go out. You have me. kick him out. JOHN (rolling his eyes with a sigh) Lori. I need to feel secure in the fact that you won’t leave me when that happens. it’s good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that kept you from gunning down your classmates. So does he. LORI Well. ‘Cause of him. it’s gonna be even better. Let’s talk about it ten years from now. but John. JOHN Not only will I not leave you. I had no friends before he came along. And I love you. I’m not that psyched to just. and press your arm fat against a comic book so I can see it backwards. y’know. my boobs and vagina will all be in the same place. He’s the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence. I’m cute now. Things’ll be hanging and stretching in ways that might scare a man. but in a few years my body’s gonna fall off a fucking cliff. so that’s a lot less movin’ around for you. (CONTINUED) . LORI Look. he’s been my best friend since I was eight. I coulda wound up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech. you’re not eight. You have to understand. like. he’s not your only friend anymore.
EXT.NIGHT Their car pulls up.. Maybe a bestseller. I hope these jokes have distracted you from the actual problems in our relationship. What is it? LORI It sounds negative. JOHN (noticing) Ah shit. embarrassed) Oh.” LORI That’s my ringtone? JOHN (laughs. JOHN I dunno. After a beat. we hear The Imperial March from “The Empire Strikes Back. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING . They both laugh hard. I got a lotta fuckin’ jokes.. and you can do whatever you want with the other hand. Can you call it? Lori punches his number on her cellphone. (CONTINUED) . John. hang on. LORI (sigh) We can’t put the real conversation off forever. my phone fell under the seat somewhere. JOHN Well. They start to get out.40 CONTINUED: JOHN I can do it all with one hand. LORI Exactly. LORI We can achieve critical acclaim and become rich just by screwing each other. yeah. JOHN I can write a novel.
” etc. Ted sits on the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women. Heavenly. and Sauvignon Blanc.” which plays very loudly on the TV. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . etc. They’re watching “Romancing the Stone. She approaches the door cautiously and opens it. Cherene. LORI What the hell is all this?! TED Lori! Hey.41 CONTINUED: JOHN No. as she goes inside. revealing. it’s from The Notebook. Came in a two-pack with “Jewel of the Nile.” Got it on BluRay.. wrappers.. somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night. (CONTINUED) . and a very much trashed apartment (empty bottles.CONTINUOUS Lori enters a haze of pot smoke. He continues digging for the phone. this is Angelique. The girls ad-lib “Hello. where are my manners? Lori. JOHN (CONT’D) (straining) This is gonna take some doin’.” “Nice to meet you. LORI This place is a wreck! girls? Who are these TED Oh. well I’ll see you upstairs. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY .MOMENTS LATER Lori walks toward the apartment. INT. Y’know. you’re home early! The ladies and I were just watching “Romancing the Stone. but stops as she hears loud music coming from inside. I love you girls. He reaches under the seat. fishing for the phone.).” but I don’t know that we’ll end up watchin’ that one. as she walks inside. LORI All right.
) RAAARRRR!! TED (pointing) Ahaaaaa! (CONTINUED) . she was crouched over I thought she was just makin’ a somethin’-LORI There is a shit!! On the doin’ long. I mean. she seemed like she was hopped up on somethin’.42 CONTINUED: Lori glances around the room. there and call or On my floor!! TED Yeah. if I can-. but. she’s passed out in the bathroom now. I guess-LORI What the fuck!!!! TED Lori.O. At that moment. is it possible that this is not so much about the stool in the corner. we see the lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door..now this is just speculation. and more about maybe tonight’s dinner not measuring up to your expectations? What!!! LORI The fuck!!! Lori is speechless with rage. a shit in the corner! floor! There’s a shit! TED (looking over) Oh man. that’s what Dierdre was over there in the corner for so Remember.. then SCREAMS as she sees something in the corner.. JOHN (V. mystery solved. LORI What is that?!!! TED What’s what? LORI There is..
JOHN (CONT’D) What’s goin’ on? (then.SAME Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the massive see-through tank. look at that one. John is oddly restrained. seeing everyone there. occasionally stopping to observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. This.AFTERNOON INT. AS LOBSTER) Who lives here? I’m comin’ to get whoever lives here! You owe me lobster money! TED (to girl) Hahaaa! That’s my friend John. Not the At that moment.” (MORE) (CONTINUED) . JOHN Found my phone. He seems much more interested in them than in the fish. noticing) Is that a shit? INT.. He stops. TED God. JOHN Yeah. WASP-y white guy fish. (tough guy voice:) “Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion? Well that is a big idea. Mister tough guy fish. is DONNY. we will find out later. we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. John enters. TED Jesus. the guy runnin’ it. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM . I beg pardon!” Look at that guy./ESTAB. I don’t care for flavor in my food. Something is on his mind. holding his cell phone..O.. As they stroll. lobster.43 CONTINUED: JOHN (V. there are some fucked up fish out there. And this food is too flavorful. (tight-ass white guy voice:) “I don’t care for some of Conan O’Brien’s humor. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM . I don’t like Irish humor.
INT. y’know. guys..S. what? JOHN It’s. TED What. god!! (CONTINUED) . Ted sits down on a bench. TED Wh.what did I do? John looks heartbroken at this response.NIGHT . that was a tough night for all of us. very Lori and I right now. my relationship is at a delicate stage.MOMENTS LATER Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the penguin habitat... may just need a little space Plus a hooker took a shit in apartment. She is trying to pick it up with a shoebox. where’s everybody goin’? Any of you guys got a tissue? I’m allergic to water. our TED Hey. JOHN Ted.” JOHN Ted. LORI (beyond disgusted) Oh. a little stunned and dazed.. INT. it’s gotta happen. poop in the corner. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM . In the background. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . you gotta move out. grossed-out John peering out from behind the bathroom door.. and. we can see an almost panicky.. look. Hey.FLASHBACK Lori is staring at the O.. sorry I’m late. Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.44 CONTINUED: TED (CONT'D) (switching to goofy voice as a bottle-nosed fish swims by) “Oh hey..
but otherwise I’m gonna lose her.. thunder buddies for life. learn to cook otherhanded! LORI Shit! JOHN I’ll get the next one. that doesn’t mean we can’t hang out. I know it sucks. Johnny? JOHN I know. Fuck.. okay? INT.45 CONTINUED: JOHN Aaaa. I don’t wanna hear about it! Did you get it? No! LORI Oh my god! JOHN Tell me when you get it! LORI AAAA. what?! LORI It’s so gross!! JOHN Don’t tell me. TED (sigh) I know you do.DAY TED She’s makin’ you do it. Johnny. I just don’t know what to do here. isn’t she? JOHN (giving up the bullshit) Yes. Ted. We’ll hang out all the time! TED What about. I got some on my thumb! JOHN AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand again! I’m serious. (CONTINUED) . But. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM . And I do love her.
I know it sucks./ ESTAB. JOHN Look.” John and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.no. Ted is dressed in a coat and tie. all the time. We hear a squeak. I promise. GROCERY STORE . but you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment. TED (CONT’D) That was the-. TED I look like Snuggles’ accountant. JOHN No. TED I look stupid. John hugs Ted.the thing-that doesn’t mean-. TED I don’t wanna work at a grocery store.46 CONTINUED: JOHN I’ll help you get on your feet out there. you don’t. right? JOHN Fuck. TED And we’ll hang out a lot. GROCERY STORE . and looks very uncomfortable. JOHN The old-. I know- JOHN We’ve got to get you a job. and a high-pitched recorded voice saying “I wuv you.SAME John and Ted head toward the store. EXT. You look dapper.Yeah-. TED (arms wide for a hug) Bring it over here.I’m not gay. They pause as John straightens Ted’s tie. Ted hugs him back.LATE AFTERNOON EXT. * (CONTINUED) .
I can totally be a lawyer. you get the job.” but then they’re surprised at what a stellar performance I’m turnin’ in.SHORTLY AFTER Ted sits opposite FRANK.47 CONTINUED: JOHN Well. Okay. I’m a fucking talking bear. JOHN As I said. TED I’m a special case. TED I told you. John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed. you would need a law degree from a law school. And then they practically have to give me the Anderson case. good speech. So. You’re hired. INT. yes. TED (patting John on the leg) Yeah. staring at Ted. Frank sits at the desk. the grocery store manager. and we’ll celebrate after. FRANK (a beat. We see his name and title on a desk nameplate. FRANK You think you got what it takes? TED Nope. GROCERY STORE MANAGER’S OFFICE . (CONTINUED) . then) No one’s ever talked to me like that before. JOHN Look. you have no skills. They might make an exception ‘cause they’re all like. “Aaa! This bear can talk and do stuff! Let’s give him a job and maybe he’ll give us a few laughs. TED And if I don’t get the job will we still smoke that pot? JOHN Probably. coach.
She laughs hard. VOICE Excuse me. I remember seeing you on the Carson show. JOHN (a little uncomfortable) Um. TED Well. John and Ted react. I’ve been fascinated by your story ever since I was a boy. startled. Robert. They sit. I’m a former celebrity with a minimum wage job. thank you. then starts to discreetly roll a joint.LATE AFTERNOON (Over music:) John and Ted walk across the Common. and he and John make their way over to a park bench. John stuffs the weed in his pocket. Ted waves goodbye. looks around for a beat.S. ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them repeatedly. where a pigeon is pecking at the dropped weed. He has grown up into a thinner but no less creepy man. This must be what the cast of Different Strokes feels like.48 CONTINUED: TED Shit. John takes out the weed. DONNY I’m sorry to bother you. passing various park-goers. accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling papers on the ground.. who looks exactly like fat young Donny from earlier. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on the girl’s breast. You were just wonderful.” sort of look. DONNY I’m Donny. And this is my boy. the fat kid we saw in the prologue. BOSTON COMMON .. ADJUST TO REVEAL his son. (CONTINUED) . This is Donny. The occasional person notices and points with a “Hey. EXT. O. Oh. isn’t that. but my son and I couldn’t help but admire your teddy bear. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down. Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with her cellphone. BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground. I have to tell you.
We are very interested in the bear. is there any chance I could purchase the bear from you? For my son? JOHN/TED Huh? / Excuse me? ROBERT (calm) I want it. but my bear isn’t for sale. Will do. He’s very special to me. Donny and Robert walk off.49 CONTINUED: TED Yeah. why the fuck did he say that? DONNY Don’t swear in front of my child. JOHN (recoiling) Ew. pal. ROBERT Sit up straight when you talk to me. here’s my address and phone number. If you’d like to work out some sort of arrangement. TED Wow. DONNY (to John) I wonder. TED Hey. I’ve had him since I was about your age. Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me? John (CONTINUED) . little guy. Here it goes. Donny turns and steals a glance back at Ted as they move off. that was a good time..” JOHN (leaning down to his level) I’m sorry.. that was ah. I’m not an “it”. smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet. Now. He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. in the really important pocket for really important stuff. JOHN Okay. I’m a “he.
John tugs on one of Ted’s arms trying to creep him out. MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN MY LIFE. if you need anything. I can totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly de-limbing you while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme. INT. TED Fuck you. so. the pigeon flies into frame. EXT. John carries two cardboard boxes.SAME There’s a couch. (CONTINUED) . ESTAB.. Why do you have to take it so far? Now it’s real. and stand just inside the doorway. First night in my beautiful new apartment. TED Yeah. I guess this is it. After a beat. let’s go find a better place to get stoned. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING . He then breaks into a creepy falsetto..NIGHT John and Ted walk into the building. sure is. JOHN Well. both knowing that John must leave soon.50 CONTINUED: JOHN Oh man.. They say they’re ain’t hardly been no murders here. a coffee table. JOHN Okay. They exit. Fuck you again for that. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT . They awkwardly nod to each other.. JOHN (CONT’D) OH. John and Ted put down their boxes.... C’mon. huh? TED Yeah.. JOHN First night on your own. and a couple of boxes. and Ted carries one smaller one. slamming right into a fucking tree.
(CONTINUED) . From John’s POV. TED I know.. anything. anything for you. JOHN Hey. He looks very alone as the camera recedes. INT. JOHN Hey. that’s perfect. I’m only gonna need one. And. we see a diminutivelooking Ted give a wan wave back. What you did with Ted was a big step. They regard each other for a moment. He turns back to smile and wave. So..DAY John sits on the couch.. Lori comes over and sits down next to him. I’ll be fine. but I just want you to know that I love you for it. JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM . adult John Bennett. JOHN (guiding her down onto the couch) Ooh. LORI Hey there. buddy.. JOHN Seriously. I just wanna say thank you. I think this a new beginning for our relationship... LORI Listen. LORI Y’know. and I know it wasn’t easy. This is all part of the new grown up. She gives him a kiss. then John slowly turns and walks off down the hall. Johnny. putting his tie on as he watches TV. JOHN (beat) I know you will.51 CONTINUED: TED I know. get used to him. I don’t have to be at work for another twenty minutes. and starts to undo his tie.
there’s just no version of this universe where you and I don’t end up together. JOHN No. that’s. You’re inevitable. I do.52 CONTINUED: She laughs. LORI (huh?) Inevitable. It’s ‘cause you’re. JOHN But do you get what I’m saying? LORI Yeah..... you can still surprise me. romantic? think? I JOHN No.. And I feel exactly the same way about you. LORI That sounds like something Stephen Hawking would say to his girlfriend. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in your pocket or are you glad to see me? John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and shows it to her... as she notices) Ooh. and they kiss. you were right! Look. They kiss. Well. inevitable. LORI (CONT’D) (smiling coyly. LORI You know what my favorite thing about you is? After four years. LORI I’m sorry if I was pushy about it. what I mean is. I dunno. She cracks up. JOHN Most guys don’t have you to motivate ‘em.. I bet you most guys couldn’t do it. To step up and change such a big part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier. the reason I love you so much is the same reason I guess I take you for granted sometimes. .
I don’t know her name. TED Yeah. then from the other. She waves back. You know what I’d like to do to her? Somethin’ I call a Dirty Fozzie./ESTAB. Her eyes widen for a beat. He pantomimes hard. ESTAB.DAY INT. finishing checking out a customer. as she stares. then smiles. the large African-American woman at the next station./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR . thrusting.DAY .53 EXT. The girl laughs and shakes her head “no. but she seems cute. and pantomimes fellatio. GROCERY STORE . The girl laughs hysterically. He turns to ELLEN. He grabs an Oh Henry bar.” TED (CONT’D) (to himself) Okay. standing-up sex. TED Thank you.SAME Ted is at his station. WIDEN to reveal he’s squirting two bottles of pump hand soap on either side of him. so that’s where we’ll draw the line. He makes a kissy face at her. TED (CONT’D) Hey Ellen? ELLEN Yeah? TED Who’s that over there? ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN). Very cute. GROCERY STORE . EXT. please come again. Ted sighs with boredom. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. The customer exits. Ted waves to the girl. as white liquid sprays all over his face from one side. we have a lot more groceries. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted. ELLEN That’s the new bag girl.
playing a TBD video game on his iPhone. I get it. we were dating for eight months. Just. with his arms outstretched and a bra on his head. yeah. with a photo of Ted smiling openmouthed at the camera. JOHN Oh.. I went through something like this with my last boyfriend. getting used to things. and I was really in love with him.O. TED (V.. I’m bored as crap over here.SAME John sits at his workstation. John’s phone rings the theme from “Knight Rider. Y’know. JOHN Hey.54 INT. so I got the night shift.. So. Tanya approaches. I traded off yesterday.. Ted. (CONTINUED) . LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR .. Hey. that’s all. TANYA It’s gonna be all right. I guess we both lost our furry little guy. C’mon.) Fuck that. TANYA How you holding up? JOHN Oh. JOHN Really? TANYA Yeah.O. TANYA Yeah.” He sees Ted’s name pop up.) Johnny. I’m all right. What are you doin’? come over and catch a buzz? You wanna JOHN I could probably swing by after work. John picks up. TED (V. So. and then he was deported back to Iran.. just swing by for a bit.
I have to kick you out. it is retarded. John. Five minutes and you’re outta here. TED (V. And then I’ll kick you out. Five minutes. y’know? For Lori’s sake. and apparently George Wendt confesses to a rape. John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office. From here. C’mon. man. JOHN You’ll kick me out in five. JOHN Really? TED Yeah. He has suds in his hair. JOHN (beat) Sometimes adults get high. I promise.55 CONTINUED: JOHN I can’t just ditch work. TED They do.O. and supposedly everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews. I picked up the “Cheers” DVD box set.DAY Ted sits in the tub. and there are a couple of little toy boats in the water. INT. TED John. Look.) John. talking on the phone. I’m trying to get my shit together and be an adult here. we intercut back and forth from him and John. . Sometimes they do. I am extraordinarily busy today. TED’S BATHROOM . I have so much teddy bear paperwork to get through. JOHN What do I tell Thomas? TED Just tell him you don’t feel well.
let me know how she is. and exits. JOHN I gotta duck out for a bit. JOHN Oh gosh. who sits at his desk. she tries to help out. she sees trouble.MOMENTS LATER John stands in front of Thomas. JOHN Yeah.56 INT. THOMAS Oh my god. John. (beat) Up the dog’s ass. Lori tried to break up a dog fight. (CONTINUED) . that’s how they-THOMAS That’s how they get ‘em to stop biting. thank you. THOMAS’ OFFICE . she’s pretty shook up. and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm. and I guess she got hurt pretty bad. right? JOHN Yeah. JOHN Yeah.that’s the way she is. THOMAS Jesus. THOMAS Go go go. sir. John smiles wanly. take care of it. THOMAS Oh my god. sure. go. she’s-. and he wouldn’t let go until the fireman showed up and had to stick his finger in his ass. JOHN Yeah. THOMAS You don’t owe me anything. I owe you one.
Someone the likes of which we should all aspire to become. JOHN You know.SAME ANGLE ON THE TV ./ ESTAB. Lemme figure out the best way to answer that. ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. I mean.Ted Danson sits in a chair. I told my guy to step it up. try this stuff. EXT. And I was king. being interviewed. I was Ted fucking Danson. TED He is. Um. He is. ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted TED (passing him bong) Here. ANGLE BACK ON TV TED DANSON Woody Harrelson. I was king of the eighties. I was quite beloved. Was I popular? Gee. JOHN What is it? (CONTINUED) . Smallest dick I’ve ever seen on a man. there was quite a lot of cocaine. I was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. it was the eighties. They have a bong. TED’S NEW APARTMENT . lemme think: are there naked dicks in gay porn? (laughs warmly) Yes.57 CONTINUED: THOMAS (CONT’D) (looking at his own finger) Jesus. TED DANSON Was there cocaine on the set of “Cheers”? Hm. he’s exactly who you want him to be.are there naked dicks in gay porn? (laughs warmly) Yes. And not only that.. TED’S NEW APARTMENT .DAY INT. and he gave me this..
John takes a hit off the bong. but they don’t have a gong or nothin’.58 CONTINUED: TED It’s called Kennedy’s Head. JOHN Y’know. She’s JOHN No way. so it’s fine. it’s all Ikea. Kennedy was smart. JOHN How are the neighbors? TED There’s an Asian family next door. Did the whole apartment for 47 dollars. JOHN You? TED It’s actualy not bad. you. TED How’s work? JOHN Sucks. this place looks great. Cuban missile crisis. It’s JOHN That doesn’t sound very mellow. We should double date. actually pretty mellow.it makes you cerebral. it’s-. JOHN That’s lucky. TED No. spark it up. me Lori and. what’s her name? (CONTINUED) . Met a girl. Like Kennedy. Go on. Decisions under pressure. That’s what it refers to. that’s awesome. then glances around. a bagger. TED Yeah. TED Ah.
JOHN Britney. JOHN Okay. was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it? TED Yep. Heather.59 CONTINUED: TED White trash name. JOHN Don’t fuck with me on this. I know this TED I know you do. Crystal. Brandi. Tiffany. Mandy? TED Nope. Melody. Carla. Noelle. Jolene. Breanna. shit. Dakota. Tara. JOHN Okay. Channing. Becky? TED Nope. JOHN Uh. JOHN Madison? TED Nope. Sabrina. Dolly. Devon. Kelsey. Chantel. Guess. Misty. Courtney. Candice? TED Nope. Shawna. Emmylou. Nikki. Cassandra. Brandi-Lynn. Earline. Bambi. Heather-Lynn-- (CONTINUED) . Shelby. Sierra. Mindy. Amber. Samantha. Kasey. Taylor. Savannah. Lauren. Claudine. Jenna. Tami. Kendra. Chloe. JOHN Okay. Tamra. Trina. Reba. Charlene. Autumn. Krista. and I am not fucking with you. Ruby.
JOHN (proud. but then she had a miscarriage. Not much going on. TED Hey. ESTAB. (CONTINUED) . but then she got pregnant from this asshole guy. RESTAURANT . and so we couldn’t go and I was all upset. I’ve been good. yeah. Ted. JOHN Hey.. My company’s 20th anniversary is next week. JOHN Fuck! EXT. to Tami-Lynn) Lori’s a senior VP at a big PR firm.SAME John. well. and so we ended up getting to go skydiving. but whatever. y’know? LORI Jesus. having dinner together? Lori. LORI Um. how’ve you been? Haven’t seen you in forever. TAMI-LYNN See.NIGHT INT. TAMI-LYNN I guess god wanted me to go skydiving. that’s something.60 CONTINUED: TED Tami-Lynn. it sounds like everything worked out then. isn’t this great? The four of us here. Lori and Ted’s dolled-up and sort of trashy date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat dinner. RESTAURANT . TAMI-LYNN Or Jesus. I was all pissed off ‘cause me and my friend Danielle were supposed to go skydiving last year. and it was so scary but it was so much fun..
how. usually the first item on our agenda is “what’s goin’ on with Lori?” So I’m surprised that one slipped through the cracks. remember.61 CONTINUED: LORI It’s not that big a deal. as does John. (CONTINUED) . JOHN Oh my god yes. then: LORI So. we talk about you all the time. fascinated to meet Ted’s girlfriends.. Ted. isn’t quite as delighted. JOHN And we were saying like... Seems like you guys have seen each other every day since you moved out. JOHN We do. regal.. a lot of women look like unsteady horses when they wear high heels. Lori LORI (visibly annoyed) I’m surprised John didn’t tell you already.. but Lori has a sort of. where are you from? Tell us about yourself.. it’s funny. TED Company’s turnin’ 20. trot. Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this. TED Well. neat all of Lori’s shoes are? TED That was a lengthy conversation. I’m always... eh? So you can bang it but you can’t get it drunk. Lori stares at him for a beat. Tami. TED Right? JOHN Oh my god... last week we were talking about. TED A canter. You canter.
I was-. right Lori? LORI No. LORI What?! It’s not my fault she can’t speak English.. (to Lori) Nice. TAMI-LYNN You’re a friggin’ snob! You think you’re all cool cause you work at some fancy shit place! TED It’s okay.. right. TAMI-LYNN Did you just call me a whore? What? LORI No.all I was doing was asking. no. that’s not what she’s sayin’ at all.. type of girl that can snatch him up. you think everyone’s supposed to like. Lori. suck your asshole! (CONTINUED) . TAMI-LYNN Fuck you! Just ‘cause you’re all in the business world and shit. I-- TAMI-LYNN You just worry about your own snatch. Real nice. how ‘bout that. attractive. Tami. I’m just always interested in the. honey? TED/JOHN Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell happened? We’re havin’ a friendly meal here! TAMI-LYNN Don’t talk shit to me! LORI I was just asking a question. Ted’s very..62 CONTINUED: TAMI-LYNN What do you mean girlfriends? (to Ted) Is there like a lot of ‘em or somethin’? TED No.
I’m trying to walk a line here. LORI Huh? JOHN That word is so sharp.. well. y’know? LORI Yeah. JOHN (caught) Oh? LORI Yeah. LORI Y’know. slashing everything in its path.63 CONTINUED: TED Baby! Baby! Baby. your boss called this morning and asked me how my arm was.. you didn’t exactly stick up for me. Because of the dog fight I tried to break up. LORI Well. Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the table. Baby. I think you’re being a little more fair to him. LORI What a cunt.. Let’s get outta here. It’s like an electric sword. JOHN (covering ears in pain) I hate that word. John. I want to be fair to you and to him. Okay? See ya. (CONTINUED) Ooh! .. We’ll go back to my place for a couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. JOHN Ohh. JOHN I. JOHN (scoffing) Come on.
What? LORI I’m just. Am I right? JOHN (beat) I. Yes. LORI John. I made you out to be a hero. I’m done. (CONTINUED) . Ted moved out so we could give ourselves a chance without him. I promise.. She sighs.. I’d say that was some bullshit lie you made up so you could take off work and go to Ted’s. JOHN Hey.. This isn’t gonna work. You spend more time with him than you do with me. LORI Jesus. LORI (with a bit of anger) It will. JOHN It won’t happen again. I know-LORI You promised me you were gonna grow up and take our life together seriously.64 CONTINUED: LORI If I had to hazard a guess. JOHN Lori. We’re in two different places. didn’t he? I did that for you-. JOHN (thrown) W.. A beat. John.. he might as well still be living with us. You’re not really giving anything a chance if you’re blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear. Ted moved out.. look.for us! And it wasn’t easy. LORI (CONT’D) I wanna break up.
. Look at the hair on my upper lip. Lori. I swear. Man. I’ve been getting stoned too much. you. LORI (beat) I need a man. sweetie.. then: LORI Did you really just fart? JOHN Yeah. JOHN You won’t have to. too. softens a bit. Give me one more chance. Done. I love WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. I promise I can fix it. Man hair. (CONTINUED) . She LORI John.. JOHN Aw. Look at these pecs. I know that. this really is your last chance. Not a boy with a JOHN I know. LORI Wonder where it’ll hit first. please give me one more chance. I’ve been bumming around with Ted too much. but I pushed it that way with my hand.. She smiles at him. right here in front of you. John. I love you too much. nothing You Trust me. Man pecs. I love you so much! won’t be sorry. I just farted. look. He kisses her. Oh. Lori can’t help but let a small laugh escape. LORI (beat) Okay.65 CONTINUED: JOHN Okay. I can’t do this anymore. For a moment. Man fart. happens. teddy bear. I know that.
DAY INT. and reacts with shock. Frank screams in shock and horror. STOREROOM . INT. then storms off toward the back. REVERSE ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn. and his expression turns to confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at Ellen’s register. GROCERY STORE . writing on a clipboard. dude. Frank. then walk into the back storeroom. who is almost naked. GUY AT TABLE (furious) Who did this to us?! GUY #2 AT TABLE (furious) God dammit! I’m here on business! EXT./ESTAB. He looks around the butcher’s counter and produce area. followed by his dining companions. for a moment.DAY Ted’s boss.66 CONTINUED: Then. We see his furry bear butt pumping away. . with its little tail on the end. emerges from the back. FRANK What the hell? He walks over to the line. notices him. A GUY IN LINE turns and GUY IN LINE Hey. for god’s sake! He looks around. aggravated. GROCERY STORE .MOMENTS LATER Frank opens the door. you think you could open more than one register? There’s like a thousand people here! FRANK There’s supposed to be three registers open. He looks up. He is doing a very close approximation of banging her wildly. a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a couple other men and women) screams into his napkin.
Gah! TED Uh. TED Oh.. FRANK You had sexual intercourse with a coworker in a storeroom filled with produce that we sell to the public.S. We need guts. DONNY Hello. and shatters.LATER THAT NIGHT We see the “CLOSED” sign on the door. hi there. finishing off a bottle of beer. He turns. EXT. GROCERY STORE . He looks around for a beat.. We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.. He walks around to the dumpster alley. There appears to be no one in the darkness. and finds himself facing Donny. promoting you. TED Yes. FRANK (beat) That took guts. TED (CONT’D) Hello? No answer. He takes the shot: TED Kareem! The bottle smashes off the side of the can.SHORTLY AFTER Frank sits at his desk.67 INT. who stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb. Ted exits. and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook shot into a trash can. Ted. TED (CONT’D) You suck. I’m DONNY Are you all alone out here? (CONTINUED) . Ted turns and looks around.. and finds nothing. Kareem. addressing Ted. FRANK’S OFFICE .
DONNY You know. just got a shitty new apartment-I DONNY I can offer you six thousand dollars in railroad bonds. ANGLE ON DONNY. and I don’t give a shit... so I’m gonna have to decline.we’re gonna have pop tarts and cigarettes with my mom before she goes to work. gosh. sweetheart... They were left to me by my father. that was a hundred and fifty years ago... come on-. ah. that sounds really appealing. (to Donny) Yeah. who looks eerily . I’m. I’d like to thank you for creepin’ up my night. TED Yeah. No I’m not.. you know. Oh wait.... Tami-Lynn approaches. and. you know. In Christ. I’m comin’. my dance card is quite full. Jesus be with you. Ted hurries off. DONNY I really wish you wouldn’t. you know. TED I’m.. TED Yeah. TAMI-LYNN Teddy. TED Well. I’m pretty happy where I am. sorry. since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War. no. you’re never alone when you’re with Christ.68 CONTINUED: TED Uh. very good home. determined. no. Robert and I could give you a very. But..
It’s a very impressive estate with no expense spared. me too. “Hey. Lori and the girls each take a glass.NIGHT John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house in Cambridge. LORI Please. REX There she is! I was worried you weren’t coming! (to John) Hi kiddo. REX (ushering them in) Got it. A large banner reads “Happy 20th Anniversary. a 20-piece big band. Gina. REX’S HOUSE . try not to get lost. how ya doin’? Where’s your bunny rabbit? JOHN He’s a bear. and hundreds of guests. Rex throws open the door. JOHN Yeah. Michelle. LORI (smiling at him warmly) I’m glad you’re here. will it? Play nice. Is it cool if I kick your boss’ ass? That won’t affect your workplace chemistry. tables laden with lavish-looking food displays and floral arrangements. REX’S HOUSE . Everyone adlibs their hellos to John and Lori. and Tracy approach. A waiter walks by with a tray of champagne./ ESTAB. (CONTINUED) .69 EXT. Plymouth Public Relations. this house is fucking huge!” I know guys.” REX Oh. here come the ladies. INT.CONTINUOUS The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors d’ouvres.
Rex indicates a small. REX’S HOUSE . (passing an abstract painting) This is art. John is visibly unenthused. and check this out. cool. Do you get it? (passing wall mounted pair of glasses) ) These were John Lennon’s glasses. He does not like this guy. John quickly pulls his hand away.CONTINUOUS . INT. REX . cool.. Rex points out various items bought at auction. (passing photo on wall) ) That’s me and Tom Skerritt. REX Yeah. Oh. bronze-colored item on a stand. and definitely does not trust him. why don’t John and I give you gals a chance to talk tampax while we go grab a drink at the bar.70 CONTINUED: REX (CONT’D) Say listen. And those boxing gloves were worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. REX That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut. huh? LORI Sure. JOHN Wow.and that’s a Wade Boggs autographed bat. isn’t it? Had it freeze-dried and bronzed.. (MORE) (CONTINUED) . REX (CONT’D) Something.STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second floor of his house. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction. See that? REX (CONT’D) Know what that is? JOHN (touching it) No. Worth about two million dollars.
okay.. when I feel like my life’s gettin’ me down and things are tough. JOHN Okay. that’s good to hear. (CONTINUED) . he’s only got one ball..there we go. and it reminds me that things aren’t so bad. I’m kind of a “fun-time boss” and whatnot. That some people have it worse than me.. and that’s it.. JOHN You know.. (then) So talk to me. I just come in here and look at it. JOHN Well. We work together. You’ve led a rich REX I’ve fucked the shit outta life..71 CONTINUED: REX (CONT’D) Every now and then. I mean. being his. just want you to know that.. that’s how it is.. but. that’s good.. JOHN That’s inspiring. One of them. look man. whoa. and I have three. so. REX Well. I mean. I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig’s disease. look. How are things with you and Lori? JOHN Things are great. of course. REX Whoa. actually.. I think you’re a great guy and she’s very lucky.. REX That’s good. and. I do that with everybody at the office! I’m just a kook! I have no designs on your girlfriend. life.. yeah. John is a bit surprised. but.. as one gentleman to another. to hear this.. Lori would hate me for saying this. I think I oughtta just clear the air here a little. I... Goose. not unpleasantly so. she’s told me how you are at the office.
O. looking at Lance Armstrong’s nut. here. TED’S APARTMENT . INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED. REX’S HOUSE . and John. (CONTINUED) .) Sam Jones is here.O..O. Holy shit! TED (V. man! JOHN What’s going on? TED (V.CONTINUOUS TED Remember I said.) I’m havin’ a little impromptu thing with some people.O. who stands in the foreground with one finger in his ear. They stand there for a beat. we see a party in full swing...CONTINUOUS TED (V. Ted. JOHN What?! Sam Jones. JOHN Hey. John’s phone rings the “Knight Rider” theme. into phone) . and John. Johnny! Why? TED (V. John answers it.. JOHN (equally softly) Just like in the movie.72 CONTINUED: REX Yeah.his hair is parted down the middle.) Flash fucking Gordon. In the background.) You gotta get over here. JOHN How? Is INT. (softly. my buddy’s cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy’s in town with his cousin and who’s with ‘em? Sam Jones!! INT.. Sam Jones is here..
JOHN (beat. already on probation here.’” INT.CONTINUOUS TED (V. REX’S HOUSE . JOHN (CONT’D) (agonized) I just.. “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. Been there. I’m John looks down at the main area of the party. my friend.” Alan Hale.. but I’m trusting you. we’re cool on all that other stuff.73 CONTINUED: TED Get over here.O. I accept the role of the Skipper on ‘Gilligan’s Island. “Yes. I gotta go. but Lori cannot find out.. John hangs up. This is serious.) John. If you can cover for me. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. As a man. this is your Alan Hale moment. I’m with Lori. For JOHN This is one man to another. god’s sake. and sees Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.. JOHN (CONT’D) Rex. There are moments in a man’s life: Nathan Hale. TED’S APARTMENT . I don’t really know you. REX I got your back. Can I trust you? (CONTINUED) . I can’t..CONTINUOUS TED John. I’ll be back in thirty minutes tops. come share this with me. then:) I’m coming. JOHN Fuck! I can’t. INT.. She’ll never know.
and Rex raises his scotch glass to his mouth. There are also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot chicks. John’s co-workers from Liberty. We have a game plan. All right.. where’s Flash Gordon? (CONTINUED) . He slides across the hood of Lori’s car.S. he pulls up to Ted’s apartment. Finally. The party is packed with people. EXT.74 CONTINUED: Dude.. And then fuck her in the ass. EXT. REX’S HOUSE .MOMENTS LATER John throws open the door. I got you on JOHN (relaxing somewhat) Okay. Johnny! TED Thank Christ you made it! JOHN (quickly) I got ten minutes. BOSTON (VARIOUS) . quickly starts the car. gets in. INT. including Alix and Tanya. John races O.. wearing a blazer. He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. The place is as lively as it can be.MOMENTS LATER The “Football Fight” music from “Flash Gordon” starts playing.NIGHT CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on his way to Ted’s. this. as John bolts O.MOMENTS LATER John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway. Thank you. TED’S APARTMENT . REX (smiling) I’m gonna make traditional to your girlfriend. Ted runs up. REX One man to another. EXT. and backs out.S. REX’S HOUSE .
He is inexplicably still sporting the same hairstyle he had in the “Flash Gordon” movie. The shot slows down into slo-mo as John’s eyes widen. ON SAM . as if on the back seat of a motorcycle. (CONTINUED) .FANTASY Sam J. man.He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a handshake. MONGO SKY .Across the room..DAY . ON JOHN . JONES turns in slo-mo to face John.Sam walks up to John with Ted by his side. BACK TO NORMAL SPEED . Sam! This is the guy I was tellin’ you about! John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.75 CONTINUED: TED Okay. John stands behind him on the back. We hear the theme from “Flash Gordon. TED’S APARTMENT . ON JOHN . get ready. Sam.BACK TO SCENE ON John . ON SAM . ON SAM . in John’s POV. (to someone O. but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.He smiles as he begins to walk toward the camera.He continues to stare in frozen awe.Still slowly walking toward camera in John’s POV. this is Sam Jones.. TED John. OPPOSITE ANGLE .He stands frozen in awe.” We INTERCUT back and forth from him to John: ON JOHN . John has a huge. this is my best friend in the whole world. SAM J.S. Hi there.He continues to stare in frozen awe.He still stares in awe. INT. SAM Good to meet you. with his arms around Sam’s chest. EXT. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie. John. elated smile on his face. and he sees.) Hey.
It’s clear neither one has any experience with this sort of thing. TED’S APARTMENT . no. recently. yes. SAM You’re welcome. And Sam is just playing it cool. Oh my god. thank you for saving every one of us.76 CONTINUED: JOHN (in absolute fucking awe) I. huh? With you? JOHN Yes. They look at each other nervously.SHORTLY AFTER John. and Sam emerge from the bathroom. Ted. Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort. John’s eyes are wide and enthusiastic. let’s do some shots. Hey. SAM Let’s party like the ‘80’s huh? (CONTINUED) . INT. SAM (raising his glass) Death to Ming! John and Ted look at each other. SAM (CONT’D) Aw. SAM (CONT’D) Hey. you guys seem pretty cool. Everyone then does their shots. SAM You fellas better come with me.. TED Wow. and his ears are flattened back. Ted has a little bit of powder on his nose. Don’t tell me you’ve never done it before. come on dudes... JOHN (a little scared) Not. squealing with delight. (significantly) You like to party? John and Ted don’t answer for a beat..
JOHN Yeah--wait. TED Look Johnny. INT. (looking around intensely) All these people need to be talked to. JOHN Of course. SAM It’s easy. TED And it’s a non-restricted place. JOHN Holy shit. TED’S APARTMENT . We just gotta bang a lotta girls named Stephanie. JOHN Chopped salad half price. yes. if we’re ever gonna get serious about openin’ a restaurant we gotta start plannin’ it now. JOHN What’s the special on Tuesdays? TED Eggplant parm. (CONTINUED) . JOHN Italian. TED Italian.LATER John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across the table. whaddaya mean? TED Anybody can come. TED Mormons are welcome.77 CONTINUED: TED (reverential) Show us how. Flash.
TED Good. that’s what I’m saying. (CONTINUED) . TED No Catholics. let ‘em in. TED’S APARTMENT . I’m just sayin’ let ‘em in. TED Exactly. INT. GUY #1 Shut up. though. I can do this.SAME Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on the couch. in. JOHN But why even bring that up-TED You don’t bring it up. but why mention it? TED No one will. He holds a knife. JOHN Okay.78 CONTINUED: JOHN Well yeah--why wouldn’t they be? TED Exactly. JOHN Right. TED No see. JOHN So why are we talking about it? TED You’re talkin’ about it. JOHN Yes. You just let ‘em JOHN Yeah.
JOHN (as Ted) Hey Johnny. laughing hysterically. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle and the mouth. doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers (Ted included) watches. you never shoulda trusted me. The guy screams in pain. that was a fun day.LATER John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head. I just tried this DMT all the kids are talkin’ about. I’m on drugs! INT. Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted starts doing the knife trick from “Aliens”. TED Well. TED’S APARTMENT . GUY #2 Let him try it. I just had a great idea-let’s go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass! TED Oh god. GUY #1 Fuck it. JOHN (as Ted) Johnny. and I’m in trouble! I think I got sucked inside my chair! TED I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin.79 CONTINUED: TED My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman reflexes. INT. then stabs the guy right through the hand. and above them the ears. (CONTINUED) .LATER Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on a topless girl. He gets it right for a few seconds. TED’S APARTMENT . man. all right. you gotta get over here man.
TED Come on! JOHN No. TED Okay. you could punch through it wicked easy. TED’S BEDROOM .LATER Sam. Garfield’s eyes look like a pair of tits. INT. I WON’T DANCE. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL. singing a karaoke version of “I Only Want to be with You” by Hootie and the Blowfish.LATER Ted stands by the TV. I’LL ONLY POUT AT YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY.80 CONTINUED: TED See? There. INT. and his fist goes right through. WE COME FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS. TED See there’s this one part of the wall that’s really soft. you were right. c’mon up here and do this with me! JOHN No no. I don’t sing in front of people! TED YOU AND ME. Johnny. WELL THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO. TAMI-LYNN Okay. John and Ted stand by the wall. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. TED’S APARTMENT . YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU. Proof. WELL THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU. Sam punches the wall a couple times. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU’VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. YOU WON’T SING. (CONTINUED) . SOMETIMES YOU’RE CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I’M SUCH A BABY ‘CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. I ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.
FLASH (narrowing eyes) Ming! (CONTINUED) Cut . and it darts back inside. John. now plaster everywhere! TED Chill out okay? We’ll pay for it! Let’s talk this out okay? What’s your name? I’m John! ASIAN MAN (cautiously) My name Wan Ming. One of the party guests opens it. and the Asian guy runs in. INT. The Asian guy runs toward them. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand. Sam. then. ASIAN MAN What the hell you problem!! You break my wall! You break my wall I break you wall! The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. screaming in Cantonese. Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame through the hole. screaming first in Cantonese. JOHN AAA! AAA!! Break his arm. then: ASIAN MAN You break my wall! This my home long time! You break my wall! You bastard men! JOHN/TED Dude. we’re sorry! We’re sorry! ASIAN MAN You bastard men! I try to make duck dinner.81 CONTINUED: SAM/TED/JOHN Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc. John. and Ted run back out into the living room. Sam and John jump around and scream as they frantically try to get the knife. and Sam scream. TED’S APARTMENT .MOMENTS LATER There’s an angry pounding on the door. Ted. Flash! his arm off!! Sam grabs the arm. He screams in Cantonese. and a live duck in the other.
nearly knocking it over. tackling him. who screams. smashing it in half.The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the other end of the spoon. fluttering up into his arms. slamming the door. ANGLE ON SAM.82 CONTINUED: SAM’S POV . no! JOHN Get off him! This ANGLE ON TED . and Sam goes staggering backward. INT. TED’S APARTMENT . falling into John. They both tumble over the back of the couch. Sam. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS FIGHTING . AAA! AAAA! TED OW!! The Asian man calls to the duck from the door. who chokes the Asian man on the floor. landing on the floor. They fall to the floor on top of each other. You crazy! ASIAN MAN You crazy man! The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a few times with its wings. ASIAN MAN You pay many dollar for wall! bullshit! This all bullshit! SAM DEATH TO MING!!! Sam charges the Asian man. holding hands with another man.who circles confrontationally with the duck.We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the Merciless.LATER John sits on the couch as Guy enters. ASIAN MAN Come on. John struggles to pull him off. James Franco! The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to the Asian man. (CONTINUED) . They land on the table. ASIAN MAN (CONT’D) (to John and Sam) You pay for wall! He exits. as in an Irish bar fight. The duck flies out of his arms. It immediately goes after Ted.
Had no idea.83 CONTINUED: JOHN Guy? GUY Hey. STAIRWELL . and runs for the front door. INT. you’ll be golden. He’s the guy who beat me up. who sits on the couch. (CONTINUED) .CONTINUOUS John opens the door and runs down the hall. Turns out I’m gay or whatever.I gotta go! Shit! His eyes widen in panicked JOHN Holy shit. coming partway up the stairs. ace? down? Yeah. They stare at each other for a beat. and betrayed as a woman can be. He and Jared walk off. C’mon Jared. He runs partway down the stairwell. Want a Xanax? John looks at the clock. JOHN What?? GUY Yeah. I don’t feel good. let’s get a drink. Holy shit. You comin’ JOHN Yeah. Sam Jones approaches. SAM Give it a couple hours. realization. oh my god! SAM John scrambles to his feet. She looks as hurt. SAM How you doin’ there. Pony Boy. We’re in love. looking zoned out and drained. angry. and stops short as he sees Lori at the bottom. What? JOHN I gotta-. This is Jared. ANGLE ON JOHN. What’s goin’ on.
John catches up to her and grabs her arm. She is clearly hurt. who is walking out the door.. (CONTINUED) . I’m sorry! JOHN (CONT’D) I messed up! I-- LORI I want you out of the apartment. TED’S APARTMENT . JOHN Can I please just explain-LORI No. but she shakes him off. I. tonight. Angle on Ted. out after her.. John runs She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside.. She turns and walks JOHN Lori.. She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.84 CONTINUED: JOHN Lori. and then Flash Gordon-LORI Just give me my keys. John! He reluctantly hands her her keys.. JOHN I was gonna stop in for like five minutes. and on the verge of tears...MOMENTS LATER Lori storms out into the street. Lori! JOHN Lori wait! After a beat. Gimme my car keys. He throws up all over the floor. please. JOHN I was gonna-LORI I have given up a big chunk of my life for you. I love you. EXT. toward her car..
she’ll be fine.. come on upstairs. TED Johnny. listen! I (CONTINUED) . JOHN I just. I’m 35 years old and I’m going nowhere. I’m never gonna have a life with you around. you’ll talk to her tomorrow. cry a little bit.. JOHN Fuck you! I don’t want to talk to you! TED What? JOHN Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My life just ended. TED Johnny. I just lost the love of my life. I gotta be on my own. watch Bridget Jones’ Somethin’ Asshole. TED Oh come on.. I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago. Ted. realizing John is serious. ‘course I do. Tami-Lynn’s gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.. And because of that. can’t see you anymore. Thunder Do you JOHN Jesus. Lori was right. All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear. I’m. John turns and walks away.85 CONTINUED: TED Johnny. wait! Hey. Johnny. buddies for life. I’m sorry. she’ll go home... JOHN (exploding) Are you even listening to me?! give any shred of a shit?! Ted pauses. TED Well.
throwing bread to the ducks. MIDTOWN HOTEL .NIGHT John sits on the bed and turns on the TV.. ANGLE BACK ON Lori. They look at each other. She putts.86 CONTINUED: Ted pushes his own stomach in. ANGLE ON the TV screen. John walks up to it.. where a Bridget Jones film is playing. his wallet.NIGHT John pulls up in his car. he shuts off the TV. They’re both leaning over the side with their hands on the rail. MINI GOLF COURSE .NIGHT Lori sits on the couch. MIDTOWN HOTEL . romantic kiss. wrapped in a blanket. but is really looking inward.SONG TBD EXT. her face wet with tears. He opens and takes out a picture of Lori. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . and share a slow.NIGHT John and Lori play mini-golf. We hear his soundbox squeak out the words “I wuv you. INT. She smiles warmly at him.” John does not turn around. then slowly lowers his head sadly. His hand moves partway on top of hers. DISSOLVE TO: MONTAGE: SET TO MUSIC . BOSTON COMMON . DISSOLVE TO: EXT. and “looks the other way” as he taps it in with his foot. DISSOLVE TO: INT. through the channels. He sits down on the sidewalk.SUNSET John and Lori are on a swan boat ride. at it sadly. He looks He flips of shows. DISSOLVE TO: . dazed and defeated. Ted looks after him. seeing various clips Eventually. and the ball stops just short of the hole. who is looking at the screen. and sadly goes inside. DISSOLVE TO: EXT.
He kisses her on the cheek. smiling at the camera. flipping through channels with his remote. She smiles and puts her hands over her mouth with delighted hilarity.The party is now over. She freaks out.S. and runs off with him. DISSOLVE TO: INT. and Ted speeds off down the hill. DISSOLVE TO: INT.NIGHT ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE . Ted is in the racer. standing in the snow. laughing smile as she shakes her head. TED’S APARTMENT . and the place is a mess. then looks down. walking along the beach. A dog runs into frame. PAN DOWN to John and Lori. John gives the racer a push. BEACH . and runs into the water. Everyone has gone. He dangles it in Lori’s face. John sprints after the dog. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . shattering the racer. They both laugh.He lies alone in his bed. SUBURBAN STREET .87 EXT. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab. holding hands. he smashes into a tree. wearing a helmet. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. snatches Ted up. DISSOLVE TO: . and sending him flying out of it onto the ground. John comes out of the kitchen wearing an apron.DAY 8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the soapbox racer. They stand next to a soapbox car that they have built and painted. He sets the turkey down.NIGHT SLOW PAN ACROSS TED’S APARTMENT . At the bottom. and she gives him a big. ANGLE ON THE PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids.We pull out to reveal Lori sitting at the table. He turns and stares at a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE INTO TED’S BEDROOM . noticing something O. with a couple of candles in front of her.DUSK ANGLE ON a partially full moon. and holding an entire turkey with a candle in it.
SAME John and Ted share a pizza. eventually getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. Ted gets in their faces. He shakes his head in a “whatever” fashion. check this out” gesture. They excitedly wait in line.DAY John and Lori paint the walls of their then new apartment. crying and traumatized. where he leans against the wall.NIGHT The marquee out front reads “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. EXT. who laughs hysterically. and Ted is dressed as Yoda. stiffly playing the banjo and looking very animatronic.88 INT. and walks toward the door. When he turns. ANGLE ON the stage.DAY INT. CHEESE . then excitedly gives John a “hang on. who watches from the other side of the room. They run away. scaring the shit out of them. MOVIE THEATER . A couple little kids walk up to watch. ANGLE ON John. we see there is a white stripe of paint going down his back. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. holding a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. DISSOLVE TO: INT. (CONTINUED) .S. They start to playfully splatter paint on each other. John is dressed as Darth Maul. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and goes to light it. where the animal band play their instruments. ANGLE ON Ted. Ted has sauce all over his mouth and fur. Ted is there among them. He runs O. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it off. laughing hysterically.S. Ted looks O. CHEESE . JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT .” We pan down a line of moviegoers. CHUCK E.LATER Ted exits the apartment. JOHN’S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM . JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . After a beat. CHUCK E.NIGHT ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads../ ESTAB. “Simpsons Reaches 5th season!” ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching TV.
REX So. LORI You’re asking me out the day after I broke up with someone. DISSOLVE TO: INT. REX Look. REX Look. And if you’re miserable and you hate it. “Simpsons Reaches 20th season!” ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching TV.S. word through the grapevine is you are newly solo.SAME Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window. Just go out with me one time. a skunk shuffles through frame after him. REX This is the first time you’ve been single in all the years you’ve worked here. It worked for me in high school. I’m gonna cut the shit here. Please. I know that./ ESTAB. After a beat. He reacts with a take. expressionless and bored-looking. (MORE) (CONTINUED) .DAY INT.. LORI Okay. dropping the cigarette and the lighter.89 CONTINUED: He then notices something out of the corner of his eye. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . and I would love it if you’d go with me. I’m an asshole. REX’S OFFICE . I don’t think it’s smart.NIGHT ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads. I promise I will never even hint at the subject again. I have tickets to see Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight. and it’s been like a reflex ever since. LORI Rex. and sprints O. LORI’S OFFICE . DISSOLVE TO: INT.
LORI Fine./ ESTAB. the worst that can happen is you have a fun. flinches back. landing on the floor. Besides. casual date with a guy who only wants a chance to prove to you that he can be something more than a jerk. you’re a huge catch and it’s about time somebody treated you that way. trying not to get wet. soaked. A few beats go by. please. and Ted tumbles in..90 CONTINUED: REX (CONT'D) (sigh) Lori. it’s me. MIDTOWN HOTEL . JOHN (CONT’D) Jesus Christ! John (CONTINUED) . JOHN Jesus-Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. There’s a knock at the door. JOHN Go away. I wanna John ignores him.. leafing through a Tintin comic book. I guess it beats crying myself to sleep every night. talk. JOHN Who is it? TED Johnny. REX Pick you up at seven? EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL . INT. open the door.SAME John sulks on the bed. then the window slides open from the outside. Great. TED Johnny.NIGHT It’s raining outside.
I know you’re pissed. but just listen to me for five seconds. Johnny. and second of all. John glares at him. you know that? How stupid do you think I am? First of all. JOHN You’re un-fucking-believable. TED (beat) You know. Lori would never go out with Rex. I saw Lori out on a date with Rex. JOHN What? TED I’m serious. you’re actin’ like a cock.91 CONTINUED: TED Sorry. Look. (CONTINUED) . it’s the truth. You are actin’ like a giant. Vshaped-funny-lookin’-guy-in-a-porno cock. I went over to your house to talk to Lori to try and take some of the heat off you. JOHN Huh? TED ‘Member that porno we saw with the guy with the V-shaped cock--forget it. and I saw Rex picking her up. if you think that by making shit like that up you’re gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her-TED Johnny. JOHN Get outta here. you know that? What? JOHN I’m acting like a cock? I’m tellin’ ya-- TED Yes. John. What I’m sayin’ is that you’re blamin’ me for somethin’ you did to yourself. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
. JOHN You can’t stand there and tell me you haven’t always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 am.. and you can? TED I don’t have to... JOHN Teddy. What am I. and I wish I’d just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin. Rux-fucking-pin. (CONTINUED) .92 CONTINUED: TED (CONT’D) Lori was right about you. controllin’ your mind? That’s your choice. yeah? Is that why you’ve manipulated me for years to stay eternally eight years old at the expense of the rest of my life? TED Whoa whoa. doesn’t it? TED Wow. I didn’t tie you up and drag you to that party. you just make yourself look like a pussy.. it’s not my fault you didn’t care enough about your relationship. JOHN Oh. by blamin’ me. JOHN (beat) You know. I wanted you to come because you’re supposedly my best friend. John! And you know. Emperor Ming here.. sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old. You can’t take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life. Listen to yourself. TED (beat) Say that one more time. I’m a fuckin’ teddy bear! Y’know somethin’. JOHN Oh.
He jumps down from the cord. yanks John’s pants partway down. John stumbles to his feet. John staggers out of the bathroom. (CONTINUED) . But Ted dodges. Ted dodges again. John lands a particularly hard one. clutching his head. and starts whipping his bare ass with the antenna. Ted hits the floor. John takes a second swing. including beer cans and the phone. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach. John throws Ted off him. and back onto the bed. Eventually. Ted scrambles across the bed. John pulls free. and causing Ted to swing back and forth.” John stumbles around the room. TED C’mon. He turns over. He notices a tall. jumping up and grabbing the chain on the ceiling fan. shattering it.93 CONTINUED: Ted stares at him for a beat. grabbing at Ted. and slamming into the wall. John goes down. and stumbles backward off the bed. and runs out of the bathroom. John yells in fury. whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the bed. He jumps down to the floor. JOHN (CONT’D) AAAAAA!!! Fucking Jesus fucking Christ! god fucking dammit!!! Ted throws other objects at him. John charges at Ted. like the facehuggers from “Aliens. then lunges at him. John and Ted scuffle on the floor. and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on. free-standing lamp in the corner. and scrambles up John’s head. Ted taunts him. and cracks him in the side of the head. each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor). He pulls the plug out of the wall. and tackling him. and John’s fist goes into the wall above the headboard. which sends Ted flying across the room. trying to pry Ted off. The lamp is ripped from John’s grasp. engaging in a realistic-as-possible fistfight. and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. knocking over the side table and lamp in the process. and pulls the antenna off the clock radio next to the bed. wrapping his whole body around John’s face and head. and pulls out a Bible. motherfucker! John jumps at Ted. throwing a jab at him. and kicks blindly at Ted. He and Ted exchange punches to the face. it swings around through the air. kicking ted in the face. Ted takes advantage of this. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat. He struggles to pull free as he flails about with his other hand. sailing across the bed. turning it on. reaches into the bedside drawer. but the lamp cord catches on the fan’s motor. he stumbles into the bathroom. Ted swings out of the way. just in time to be pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him. and crashes through the shower door. Each one gets a number of blows in.
crawls over to him. you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori. right on his groin. John’s breathing deteriorates into sobs. remember when you were ten. we can get her back. who hugs him back. JOHN So am I. John hugs Ted. then lies down next to him. He pushes the TV off John. TED I’m so sorry. JOHN There is no putting things right. too. TED (CONT’D) (breathing heavily) Why. with the TV on his crotch and his pants down. She I’m so sorry. hates me. and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun. man. we crushed its rib cage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. Ted climbs down off the table and up onto the bed. JOHN Ted. and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both starting crying? Remember? And then we ran up to it and tried to give it CPR? And it came back to life? John. Johnny. TED I love you. Ted starts to sob himself.why are you crying? JOHN My dick is in the TV. Ted.. still dazed from the kick to the face. TED No. TED Listen. Both breathe heavily.. John continues to sob. (CONTINUED) . and breathes heavily. It died. Look. John lies there. JOHN I love you..94 CONTINUED: The TV wobbles. John.. we could do that again. landing with a crash. and falls off the cabinet.
I want you to meet a good pal of mine.SHORTLY AFTER ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES. Hey. FUCKING BRAVE!! Norah finishes the song. you fuzzy little asshole? She hugs him. BACKSTAGE . I’m not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold 37 million records. ooga booga. but we’ll be back in a few! The crowd cheers. who cheer in the audience along with everyone else. recognizing) Teddy!! How you doin’. whatever. you jazzy slut! NORAH (turning. REX God. Hey Johnny. We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and pours a drink. They cheer as she sings “Come Away With Me. TED (O. play chopsticks. NORAH Thanks so much! We’re gonna take a short break. half-Indian. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori. HATCH SHELL . but I’m hangin’ in there. come on in! (CONTINUED) YOUR MUSIC IS SO .NIGHT A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert. EXT. NORAH Well. TED Well. They seem to be having a fantastic time.95 CONTINUED: TED (long beat) We can get Lori back. INT.” backed by a large string section. TED Eh.) Hey.S. but thanks. she’s so brave.
you look fantastic. you weren’t so bad for a guy with no penis. He’s gonna sing a song to a very special lady in the audience who he loves very much. NORAH Actually. Norah Jones. HATCH SHELL . TED I have written so many letters to Hasbro about that. JOHN (self-consciously extends hand) Hi. Norah is back out on stage at the NORAH Okay. a little nervous. this is my friend John. sweaty. you’re probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.-. Ms.96 CONTINUED: ANGLE ON the doorway. Hi. You NORAH Well. ready to bring down the house? JOHN Yes ma’am. TED Jesus. TED (CONT’D) Norah.Ma’am Jones. fuzzy sex in the coatroom. Whoa. NORAH (shaking his hand) Ha. Let’s give a big hand to John Bennett! (CONTINUED) . relax there. EXT. TED Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle’s house and we had awkward. Thank you for the opportunity.SHORTLY AFTER The crowd is cheering. I’m gonna give my chops a rest here and invite a friend of mine up to the stage. where John enters. piano.
JOHN (CONT’D) ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO THE THINGS WE’VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE. Because I love her. LORI Oh my god.. “All Time High”. but we see that Lori is softening. JOHN Uh.97 CONTINUED: The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage. JOHN SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT BEGIN.” The band begins playing. hi. YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE’RE TWO OF A KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts. It’s working. for Lori’s benefit) Hey. get off the stage! (then. This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life. WHEN YOU DON’T LOOK. Um.. Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on... shocked. Inexplicably. TED Ah. The night we met. ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. (CONTINUED) . and looks down at Lori. CROWD Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! / We wanna hear Norah! / Come on! ANGLE ON Ted in the wings. It’s the theme song from the movie “Octopussy.. Rex is visibly derisive. This is for Lori Collins. John takes center stage.. JOHN (CONT’D) WE’RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE’LL CHANGE ALL THAT’S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE / THAN FALLING IN LOVE REX (fake voice. come on guys! The crowd starts to take the cue. covering his mouth and looking away) You suck. god.
NIGHT Rex escorts Lori to his car. REX You want to go get a drink after this? I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die. racing toward John. A couple of concert security personnel haul him offstage. REX One drink. The crazy guy runs right into it. But he is only focused n one spot in the crowd. who rushes the stage. LORI Nope. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT . Almost oblivious to the rest of the frenzy. CRAZY GUY You’re an asshole! John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at the last second. STAGEHAND Someone call an ambulance! The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. He sees that Lori and Rex are gone. LORI Nope. come on. not really feeling up to it.98 CONTINUED: ANGLE ON a crazed audience member. Everyone gasps as the music stops. so the base is sticking out horizontally. A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy. EXT. REX That was insane. bashing himself in the face. heartbroken. he sighs. Did you see the way that guy’s body hit the ground? It was like a rag doll! LORI Yeah. I think I’d rather you just take me home. unconscious and bleeding. (CONTINUED) . He goes down. I’d rather just not talk about it. NORAH Jesus.
LORI Just to be clear.DAY INT. but there’s no one there.S. Listen. I swear to god I’m not lookin’ up your towel. She looks down with a start. As she disappears out of earshot. Lori sighs with annoyance. still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex. She looks through the peephole. and begins towelling off. I am not embarrassed. There’s no one there. She opens the door cautiously. TED (CONT’D) Not lookin’ up your towel. Not lookin’ (CONTINUED) ./ ESTAB. still in her towel. and sees Ted standing there.SAME Lori gets out of the shower.BATHROOM . there’s a knock at the door. Rex closes his eyes and releases a fart. TED (O. John and I may have our problems but at least he tried. at your funny business. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . She walks away.99 CONTINUED: REX Alright. I don’t blame you. EXT. and looks out into the hall. alright. When you think about it. I’m going home. JOHN & LORI’S APARTMENT BUILDING . After a few moments. it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that. You know what? I don’t feel like talking to you about this. REX Finally. I get it.) Down here. He’s blocking his view with one hand. and walks to the door. REX Where you going? LORI Taking a cab.
JOHN AND LORI’S LIVING ROOM . you want him to be a man.. (CONTINUED) . And I’m the one who’s keepin’ that from happening. facing Ted. As long as he’s got his teddy bear. that’s a very nice offer. John loves you very much. he’s still a boy. More than anything in the world. and then you can say whatever you want. TED Because of me! Look. If you’ll just give him one more chance to be with you-She rolls her eyes. LORI Ted. And I don’t think it can be fixed. if you’re here to fight John’s battle for hi-TED Lori. He’ll be all yours. He knows he screwed up big time. But I’m willing to give up the boy so you can have the man. now in a robe. but you gotta believe me that is wasn’t all his fault. There’s a beat.. TED Look.100 CONTINUED: LORI (pulling towel closer to her) Ted? What’re you doing here? What do you want? TED I need to talk to you. And I care about him as much as you do. I promise I will leave and never come back. do me a favor and let me talk first. This is about John and me and our problems.. She reluctantly considers. INT. LORI Look. And he’s fallin’ to fuckin’ pieces without you. but I don’t want you to do that..MOMENTS LATER . sits down on the couch. Just give him one more chance.DAY Lori. TED (CONT’D) Listen to me! If you’ll just give him one more chance.
dressed. Lori. INT. He’s waitin’ for me down at Charley’s. Yoplait. maybe you could. Ted is on the couch watching TV. what a chick fridge.. I’m givin’ this the best shot I got here. (CONTINUED) . Ted gets up and walks into the kitchen. I’m no good at this emotional crap...101 CONTINUED: We can see Lori starting to soften a bit. My god. Please... LORI Alright. He opens the fridge. alright. I’ll go. I’m beggin’ you. So. TED (CONT’D) Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. you mind if I stay and watch the Sox? The door shuts and she’s gone. and looks at a six-pack of beer bottles. TED (CONT’D) Look. TED (CONT’D) Jesus Christ. TED Thank you. and a Brita water filter. y’know.SHORTLY AFTER Lori emerges from the bedroom. Just talk to him. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . now? TED Please. go down instead of me? LORI What. but I gotta help my best friend. a cantaloupe. TED (flipping on TV) Hey. He opens up a crisper drawer. LORI (sigh) I’ll talk to him.. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. and heads for the door. America is imploding.
and gets up. INT. who looks up from a menu. I’d show you around. and opens it up. Donny throws a sack over Ted. CHARLEY’S . Ted. Ted sighs with annoyance. They require an undershirt and at least one visible cold sore for all customers. made myself a nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up the street. John smiles slightly./ ESTAB. She spots John.. with his son Robert. and walks into the other room. TED (CONT’D) You know. there’s a knock at the door.what are you doing here? LORI You can thank Ted. He settles down in a recliner. DONNY Hi. After a moment. Lori! JOHN What-. He is surprised to see her. TED (CONT’D) Forget your keys? He walks to the door. She sighs and walks over to him. A beat. trapping him.LATER DAY Lori’s car pulls up. TED Fuck. but it’s kinda classy. We reveal Donny. I’ve. CHARLEY’S . and watches the game. and she gets out. the creepy man from earlier.. your beer suck-He freezes. (CONTINUED) . good.CONTINUOUS Lori enters.102 CONTINUED: He shakes his head as he opens the beer. and looks up. LORI (CONT’D) How are you? JOHN Good. and looks around. EXT. uh.
and for us to be friends. There’s a beat. .. JOHN That’s pretty much it. Well. All I want is. LORI (a little taken aback) Thank you. yeah. it was a huge misunderstanding.. paying the check. But I don’t think you wanna hear any of that crap. She sits there for a beat. I don’t deserve you. even though I love you more than life itself. I didn’t take our relationship seriously. Oh. He takes out some money... water. I want you to be happy. I appreciate that. (beat) Well. and puts it on the table. so I’ll say what I wanna say. Because I owe that to you. work’s good? Everything good there? Yeah. I’m not gonna try and get you to take me back. just to end on good terms. JOHN Good.103 CONTINUED: LORI (laughs humorlessly) Well. Wow. I could sit here and tell you I’m sorry. and I’m ready to change. She does. JOHN How’s Rex? LORI There is no Rex. Why would you? I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years. I guess we can’t make small talk all day. Shall I sit? JOHN Uh.. A busboy brings them each a JOHN (CONT’D) So. He smiles at her and walks out. LORI Work’s fine..
LATE DAY Donny’s car pulls up.104 EXT. is he all mine? DONNY He’s all yours. Most are from press from Ted’s media heyday. DONNY’S HOUSE . but some are photographs of Ted and John out in public that Donny clearly took himself. creepily shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs”). etc. On the walls. INT. Ted. Welcome home. Ted looks around. DONNY’S HOUSE . TED Whoa. . and unceremoniously dumps Ted onto the floor. It’s just as shitty on the inside as on the outside. It’s close to one end of the base of a bridge. TED Heh. Donny (CONTINUED) Robert sits down on the floor. as you can see. there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings. ROBERT’S ROOM .. You’ve arrived at a lucky time. INT. It’s a fairly sparse room with some toys strewn about.LATE DAY Donny carries the sack inside. you know what’s hilarious. TED I’m guessin’ you guys don’t have a PS3. I’m guessin’ you’re more of a wooden horse with a wig kinda family. DONNY Yes. photo spreads. A wooden rocking horse with a wig stands in the corner. The house is a low-class.MOMENTS LATER Ted is led into Robert’s room. you’ve been part of our family for quite some time. smiling at him. my little winner. stands in the doorway. TED Wig horse. ROBERT Daddy. I got tons of pictures of you guys at my house.. It’s almost Robert’s play hour. Huh.
TED Y’know. So you will do as he says. Ted. and lands on the floor. And I thought you were the most amazing. but just bounces off like a plush toy.105 CONTINUED: DONNY Now. DONNY (leaning in to Ted with anger) LANGUAGE!!! Ted flinches nervously. remember. I would never say no to him. I saw you on television. Happy play time. I decided that if I ever had a son. Donny shuts the door. Yes. daddy. ROBERT Me and Ted are gonna be best friends. Ever. DONNY You are. Robert stares at Ted. And I asked my father if I could have a magical teddy bear. too. Donny moves back. Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It doesn’t budge. TED Jesus fucking Christ! No! ROBERT Daddy said no bad words! TED Yeah well. He takes a running leap at it. And he said no. you belong to Robert now. you think you’re just gonna get away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin’ example you’re settin’ for your kid. fuck your dad. TED (CONT’D) Shit! (CONTINUED) . DONNY (CONT’D) When I was a little boy. And I was heartbroken. most wonderful thing I’d ever seen. TED Maybe “no” to a Snickers bar every once in awhile wouldn’t hurt.
Robert stares blankly at him. I wanna play a game! TED Good. how ‘bout we play a little game of hide and seek? ROBERT I love hide and seek! I’ll hide! TED Well. TED Great. a well-mannered kid lets his guest hide first. Okay. your dad likes you to show good manners. okay. kid. I felt like I was there. good... holding the ear. ROBERT Yeah. You wanna play a game or somethin’? It’s play time. Robert looks at him. TED Okay.106 CONTINUED: Robert stands over him. You win. and gets a grip on one of Ted’s ears with the other hand. ROBERT I said a bad word one time. give you an ouch. and rips the ear off. Fantastic. TED That’s a great story. then: ROBERT Okay. now. ROBERT Daddy gave me an ouch. right? ROBERT Yes. don’t ya think? There’s a beat. and daddy punished me for it. let’s play a game. hey. We’ll do it your way. you hide first. Now I have to Robert grabs Ted with one hand. TED Well. now you count to a hundred and then try to find me. Robert pulls on the ear as hard as he can. Robert. Ted screams as loud as he can. okay? (CONTINUED) .
ROBERT Good..god. but in the process. that’s a weird fuckin’ question. Donny turns and looks in the direction of the hallway. and exits again. He has it in sight on the far end of the living room. and exits out into the hallway.LATE DAY Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front door.. HALLWAY . After a beat. well-.. Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the door. you-.. making a sound. he re-enters. and turns the doorknob. Ted darts back into the hallway before he’s seen. a small ceramic penguin. no.LATE DAY Robert’s hands still cover his eyes.no. no peekin’.107 CONTINUED: ROBERT Do I need to wash my hands before this game? TED You. watching The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show).. he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair. TED Okay. Ted reaches the door... now. bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick knacks on it. covers his eyes and starts counting. He opens the door. three. or you’ll get kid cancer. One of them. grabs his severed ear. falls over. daddy! . ROBERT One. just start countin’. ROBERT’S ROOM . INT. but when he gets closer to the living room doorway. two. Robert sits down.. DONNY (beat) Robert? How’s play time? INT. climbs up onto the chair.
DONNY’S LIVING ROOM . ANGLE BACK ON TED. LIVING ROOM . She leans over.S. He hastily begins stapling his ear back on. Donny leans forward as if he’s about to get up. Lori’s car pulls up slowly alongside him. but he then settles back in. and jumps back down. INT. JOHN Hey. After a beat. who puts on last staple in. BOSTON STREET . INT. but notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. LORI Hey.LATE DAY Ted looks around. DONNY’S KITCHEN . He’s about to shut it. and walks the other way down the hall. We think he’s about to get up. and turns to look. grabs the handset. he exits the closet and continues down the hall.CONTINUOUS Donny’s hears something. EXT. not knowing what to do. He jumps up. He opens it. you’re gonna ruin the game! DONNY (chuckling) Okay.LATE DAY DONNY Ted.CONTINUOUS John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. He passes a door. (CONTINUED) . Satisfied. After a beat. are you making friends with Robert? Ted looks panicky. DONNY (CONT’D) Ted? ROBERT (O.108 INT. Ted breathes a sigh of relief. but it’s just a storage closet. and spots a phone on the counter. He dials John’s number.) Daddy.
He shuts it off without looking at it. I’ll be okay. too. um. JOHN Oh. He looks down at it. She prepares to speak. Exasperated. It JOHN Whoever this is. reads “Unknown caller..109 CONTINUED: LORI Kinda late to be walkin’ home by yourself. INT.LATE DAY/DUSK LORI John. but John’s phone rings. annoyed. LORI Listen. INT.” He silences it. I just feel like we should. If I get raped. Because-John’s phone rings again.. LORI (CONT’D) I. then gets into the car and sits down next to her. I gotta call you back. JOHN (CONT’D) Listen.. there’s something I wanna say to you.. I hope you don’t think that-John’s phone rings. John. INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN: John! Ted? Lori sighs. he answers it...LATE DAY/DUSK Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.. (CONTINUED) TED It’s me! Can you hear me? JOHN . I just want you to know that. LORI’S CAR . it’s not a good time. keep talking. I mean. He pauses. slightly annoyed. DONNY’S KITCHEN . JOHN Go ahead. it’ll be my fault with what I’m wearing..
LORI Where is he? JOHN I don’t know. brewing rage) You’re not a very polite guest. what kinda trouble? Lori turns. but he’s in trouble. DONNY (dark. John! You gotta call the police.. I’m in trouble! JOHN What do you mean. TED They got me! That freaky guy and his freaky fat kid! JOHN What? TED I’m in their house. is he all right? JOHN I don’t know.LATE DAY/DUSK JOHN (into phone) Ted? Hello? Ted! Ted? LORI What’s the matter. TED Shit. they won’t let me outta here! They tore my ear off! JOHN Wait. He gasps and looks up. It’s Donny. (CONTINUED) . a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. LORI’S CAR .110 CONTINUED: No. John! TED Don’t hang up. I’m not sure. slow down! Where are you? TED Uh. it’s uh-Suddenly. who slams the phone back down in its cradle. but still annoyed. INT.. slightly curious.
Ted slips past them and back out into the hall. Ted turns and bolts in the other direction back down the hallway. (CONTINUED) . INT. Ted runs through Donny’s legs. but Robert steps in front of the door. it’s blocked-.LATE DAY Donny stands over Ted.LATE DAY .CONTINUOUS Lori’s car peels out and races off. then points out the window. DINING ROOM . locking it. but sees Donny heading for him. under the chairs. as Donny lunges for him and misses. DONNY’S KITCHEN .111 CONTINUED: LORI Why? What happened? back? Can you call him JOHN No. Ted ducks into the dining room. INT. He looks at it. and pulls out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the Common. Robert turns the deadbolt on the door. DONNY You’ve put us in a pickle here. John scrambles for his wallet. etc.CONTINUOUS Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the table. TED Yeah. blocking him. trying to escape Donny (and Robert. JOHN (CONT’D) Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on the expressway! EXT. good idea. BOSTON STREET . haven’t you? We have to go now. He opens it. He races for the living room and the exit. and out into the hall. who has entered the room). TED (CONT’D) Aaaa! ROBERT Found you.wait a second.
Ted. DONNY We tried to make do with other teddy bears.CONTINUOUS The car makes a hard left. STREET . LORI’S CAR .DUSK JOHN It’s this creepy fucked-up guy who wants Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. then freezes in shock. LORI’S CAR . LORI Which way? JOHN Shoot up 99! EXT. but the deadbolt is too high to reach. as he sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and mutilated teddy bears. He lands.LATE DAY . as we cut to: EXT.CONTINUOUS John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone. TED AAAAAA! Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him. and pushes open a door. which is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. INT. BOSTON STREET . INT.112 CONTINUED: He races for the door. He runs into the living room.DUSK John and Lori race through the streets of Boston. Ted whirls around in shock. INT.CONTINUOUS Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement. But none of them were you.DUSK . They got him somehow. (CONTINUED) . BASEMENT . gets his bearings.DUSK .
Donny .CONTINUOUS Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. EXT. JOHN’S POV . He gets into the car.NIGHT . and dumps Ted inside.CONTINUOUS Donny pulls away down the alley.. DONNY’S CAR . seat belt. DONNY’S HOUSE . INT. DONNY’S CAR . and John sees Donny’s car make the turn out onto the street.. 911? I need the police right away! This guy took my teddy bear! (beat) .NIGHT .113 CONTINUED: JOHN (into phone) Hello. INT. EXT. DONNY’S HOUSE .DUSK .NIGHT . We can see it move as Ted struggles to get free.NIGHT . LORI’S CAR . DONNY Robert.NIGHT Donny and Robert emerge from the house. stop stop stop! The car slows down.CONTINUOUS John looks around frantically. where we see Donny’s car heading out of the alleyway. Robert buckles up. BOSTON STREET . Donny clutches the sack.CONTINUOUS Ted scrambles to his feet.They pass the alley.CONTINUOUS Lori’s car speeds away. JOHN (to Lori) Whoa whoa. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny opens the way back door. Ted is looking out the back. INT. then spots something out of the passenger’s side window.Hello? EXT. slams the door.
NIGHT . LORI’S CAR . It does not break. TUNNEL .CONTINUOUS Ted takes another swing at the window.NIGHT . Donny looks in his sideview mirror. Lori’s car speeds up in pursuit. He starts to pull Ted back over into the back seat. The glass does not break. He then notices a crowbar on the floor in the way back.CONTINUOUS The chase continues. Lori’s car .NIGHT . STREETS OF BOSTON .NIGHT .114 INT. we’re losing him! Lori speeds up. but Ted manages to wriggle free. DONNY’S CAR . Donny speeds up. DONNY’S CAR . INT. and races off up the street. INT.CONTINUOUS Donny’s car races through the tunnel.CONTINUOUS TED Johnny! Robert and Donny both hear this. INT. Robert sees this.CONTINUOUS Ted continues to stare out the back. avoiding traffic and pedestrians. and takes a hard swing at the rear window. and scrambles back. He grabs Ted. just in time to see Lori’s car swing a Uturn to pursue them.NIGHT We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way through the Boston streets. TUNNEL . He grabs it. and scrambles to undo his seat belt. INT. who drops the crowbar.NIGHT . DONNY’S CAR . Robert undoes his seat belt. INT. EXT. pursues.NIGHT .CONTINUOUS JOHN Come on.
LORI’S CAR . and again takes a swing at the window. Ted climbs out onto the rear of the car. He tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. TED (holding head in pain) Aaaaa! Shit!! INT. DONNY’S CAR . when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of the head. LORI’S CAR . TED Back off.NIGHT . and climbs back up. Susan Boyle. DONNY’S CAR .NIGHT .CONTINUOUS They continue watch with held breath.CONTINUOUS They see Ted in the window. still a little dazed. and climbs up onto the edge of the window. JOHN Get closer! LORI I’m trying! INT. This time.CONTINUOUS Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the window. INT. INT. . He drops the crowbar.NIGHT . it shatters.CONTINUOUS Ted grabs the crowbar.115 INT. Robert backs off in fear. as they keep up. John and Lori speed up. so he can make the jump.NIGHT . sending him tumbling onto the floor. DONNY’S CAR .CONTINUOUS Ted shakes himself off. and positions himself to make the jump. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one of his legs. We see that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar. getting closer to him. and brandishes it threateningly at Robert. No! ROBERT You’re being bad! Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm.NIGHT .
TUNNEL . . lying on the floor. He puts his foot on the brakes.CONTINUOUS JOHN Easy.CONTINUOUS Donny sees what’s happening in his side mirror. bracing himself against the back of the front seat. trying to get him off. DONNY’S CAR .. He pulls himself back up.. and notices the sack that Donny captured him in. grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid falling off. John’s car slams into Donny’s causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of Donny’s car.116 INT.NIGHT . and the car screeches as it drastically reduces speed. Yes! JOHN Fuckin’ A right! INT.J. Hooker. right? John and Lori laugh. ANGLE ON Donny driving.CONTINUOUS Lori’s car moves closer to Donny’s. John and Lori breathe energetic sighs of relief. JOHN Easy-LORI I know! INT. Ted jumps up from behind.. LORI I know.NIGHT . LORI’S CAR .. past Robert (who is still in the way back) and tumbling into the back seat. and then Ted makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori’s car. TED God dammit! Ted gets his bearings. There’s a tense moment with some back and forth cutting.NIGHT . Suddenly. then grabs the sack. Johnny! TED Total T. He looks up at Donny for a beat. and throws the sack over Donny’s head. Donny yells in anger. and slides across. and pulls at Ted.
EXT.117 INT. pursued by John and Lori. and reacts as he looks out the front window. A moment later. frantically willing the truck to get out of the way.CONTINUOUS Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face. DONNY’S CAR . who are catching up again. whose eyes are on the road. he grabs the Club again.NIGHT . but are still a ways behind.NIGHT . and scrambles up the seat. BOSTON CITY STREETS . INT. BOSTON CITY STREETS . INT. A few of them land. John and Lori come racing out of the tunnel.NIGHT . and spots a “Club” underneath the seat.NIGHT . but can’t.CONTINUOUS Ted is still on the floor on the passenger’s seat side. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger’s seat. stopping them in their tracks. TUNNEL . scurries in front of Donny. Finally it does. EXT. LORI Shit! She pounds on the steering wheel. eventually drawing blood. Then. a truck drives through the intersection. and there is opposing traffic moving in the other direction. Donny ducks out of the way. sending sparks flying.CONTINUOUS Donny’s car races through the streets. DONNY’S CAR . He’s approaching the end of the tunnel. onto the floor on the passengers’ side. .NIGHT . Donny rips the sack off his head. He looks around.CONTINUOUS Donny’s car scrapes against the side of the tunnel. and locks the Club onto the steering wheel with a snap! Donny’s eyes widen as Ted scrambles into the back seat. with determination.CONTINUOUS Donny swerves past the traffic. taking a swing at Donny. However. and they continue on into the city. Ted grabs the club. He glances at Donny. Donny tries to turn the wheel. Donny smacks Ted away. narrowly avoiding clipping one of the cars. and tries to slap Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him.
ANGLE ON ROBERT.118 EXT. INT. and runs up the sidewalk. He sways a bit.) NO!! John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at them! ROBERT (CONT’D) You can’t have my teddy bear!! When Robert reaches John. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of glass.CONTINUOUS Ted runs down a ramp. and running inside. then drops to the ground. LORI Oh my god. who scrambles out of the wrecked car. Ted stops at a red metal fence. ROBERT (O. They run up the sidewalk after them. Donny reaches the fence. He shakes it off. fishtailing as it impacts. Lori and John look down at him. which slows him down a bit.We catch them ducking in through the garage door.CONTINUOUS . followed by Donny and Robert. and crashing into a lamppost. He squeezes himself underneath.NIGHT Donny’s car swerves out of control. He hangs and struggles for a bit. and disappears inside. ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI . Ted spots a garage with the door slightly open. Robert collapses.. veering up the street. looking frantically around for an escape route. sprinting up a ramp. and squeezes through. They hurry out. (CONTINUED) .They screech to a stop behind Donny’s car. That little rip has done something. They look around for a beat. slightly ripping his side. They chase Ted up the street. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop. John knocks him down with one punch to the face. ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI . Ted scrambles out the back window. Taking advantage of the situation.We see that his vision is swimming slightly. He darts off to the left. rushing up the stairs on the other side. who turns and sees them (Donny has already made it over the fence). followed by Robert.S. but with his larger size he has to climb over the top. ANGLE BACK ON JOHN. UNDERGROUND AREA . just in time to see Donny and Robert duck underneath the door.. BOSTON CITY STREETS . TED’S POV . ANGLE ON DONNY.
CONTINUOUS John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section. they look around. it’s a long drop. and up a few flights of stairs. EXT. When they reach the red fence. and stops. INT. A few lights are on. Donny emerges from the stairwell. INT. someone had to go Joan Crawford on that kid. WALKWAY . Donny glances down at the drop for a beat. leaving a stunned Robert behind.CONTINUOUS Ted runs out onto the upper level.119 CONTINUED: JOHN Sorry. The camera PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of FENWAY PARK down below. but it’s unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted. LOWER SEATING AREA . looking around with desperation. and run down the aisle. The chase moves past a concession area. and getting closer.CONTINUOUS Donny pursues Ted up the tower. which snaps Ted out of it. LIGHTING TOWER . Ted scurries out onto the ledge.CONTINUOUS Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him. They run up the walkway. and pulls himself up onto the lighting tower. He looks down.CONTINUOUS John and Lori emerge and continue to look around frantically. (CONTINUED) . but can’t quite reach. EXT. Ted climbs farther up the tower. and comes to a dead end. Ted sprints past the front row of seats. Donny reaches out to grab him. and one lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. EXT. Donny is in pursuit. John continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori just behind him. WALKWAY . (then) Come on! John and Lori run up the ramp. He has nowhere else to go. UPPER SEATING AREA . With Donny closing in. From TED’S POV.
LORI (spotting the action on the tower) Look! John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant lighting tower. JOHN Oh Jesus... (then) Stay here. Wait, John! STAY THERE!! He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the concession area. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls back down. He’s about to pulls himself up again, when Donny grabs one of his legs. EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny’s grasp, but he can’t. CLOSE UP ON TED’S SIDE - The small rip from earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED’S FACE His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with fear. TED’S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows this is not good... EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs. LORI What are you-JOHN
EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we see his vision swimming even more. EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS John runs up the stairwell. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up, but he’s visibly weakened and his hands are slipping. EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS John continues up the stairwell. EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his depleted strength to pull himself farther up. EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over toward the lighting tower, just in time to see... EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP, Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging, stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling himself back over the ledge. We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well. ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren, and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car pull up far below, he makes a break for it.
Down below, Ted’s top half lies on the grass, looking around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side, and kneel down. JOHN Ted! LORI Oh my God... TED (weak, slow breathing) Johnny... Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing. JOHN Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!
Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of the white cotton. TED Johnny... John leans back over Ted. JOHN You’re gonna be okay, buddy. you understand? You’re gonna be fine. TED (weak) Jesus, I look like the robot from “Aliens”. JOHN No, look at me, buddy. gonna be okay. I promise, you’re
TED I... I don’t think so. I’m... I’m in trouble. I need... I need to tell you something. JOHN What is it? TED Don’t... don’t ever lose her again. She’s the most important... most important part of your life. (MORE)
LORI John. I’m just so sorry. You did everything you could. John does not react. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . They race inside. Ted still does not move. until she is all finished. John holding the remains of Ted. She sits down next to him. She’s-- Ted closes his eyes. (CONTINUED) . She continues sewing. bringing part of the blanket around herself. They’re both drenched from the rain..NIGHT The rain is pouring now..NIGHT John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted.SHORTLY AFTER John sits on the couch.. INT. Just try. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT ..123 CONTINUED: TED (CONT'D) Even more than me. She’s your thunder buddy now. JOHN Please. and John puts Ted on the table. She finds a needle and thread. Lori’s car pulls up. John and Lori lower their heads. LIVING ROOM . She places a hand on his shoulder... Lori starts to sew him up as John watches intently.. INT. and it starts to rain.... She gently puts an arm around him. Lori frantically searches drawers for sewing materials. EXT. I’m. head in hands. They wait. She and John hurry out. Ted still lies on the coffee table. There is a thunderclap outside. Lori enters with a blanket. and drapes it around him. LORI John. LORI (CONT’D) (almost too softly to be heard) You’re not afraid. I don’t know if this is gonna-Just try... ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE TED as we pull away. I’m sorry. and dies.
much like the one from that night when John was a child. and walks toward the living room.. then closes her eyes and makes a wish. Ted’s eyes snap open. EXT. She stares at the shooting star for a beat. John lowers his head sadly. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT . The blanket is where it was left. JOHN AND LORI’S APARTMENT .. gets out of bed. A shooting star whizzes by through the opening. As before. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM/KITCHEN ..SAME ANGLE UPWARD . there is a small clear patch in the center. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM . Ted is still motionless. John and Lori shut off the lights.CONTINUOUS He pauses for a beat. LIVING ROOM . then remembers.. She sighs restlessly.TIME LAPSE INT./ESTAB. but we see that Lori is still lying awake.124 CONTINUED: ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is placed over him. John slowly removes it. looks around groggily.We see a cloudy sky.. INT. Suddenly. Johnny! JOHN Oh my god! (CONTINUED) He . and gets up.NIGHT John is asleep. and looks out. JOHN AND LORI’S BEDROOM . JOHN Ted! TED (retarded-sounding voice) I’m alive. She walks over to the window. DISSOLVE TO: INT. and exit.. INT.NIGHT Lori’s eyes widen a bit in recognition. and walks in. EXT.MORNING John wakes up.
(cover this line with addition:) It was your wish. I’m just kiddin’ ya. (CONTINUED) . confused. so I’m a little fucked up. and a huge smile crosses her face. LORI Welcome back. you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places. speechless) Son of a bitch. TED (CONT’D) (normal voice) Nah... John turns to Lori. I love you both.. and kisses her passionately. I thought it’d be funny if you thought I was fuckin’ retarded.. Lori enters. Johnny. I wished for my life back. TEDDY (smiling.You wished for my life back.125 CONTINUED: TED (retarded-sounding voice) I’m alive! Your magical wish worked! JOHN You’re back! TED (retarded-sounding voice) Yeah! I mean. when you sewed me up. She smiles at him. LORI No. TED You were pretty great out there at Fenway. Because John goes to her. JOHN You asshole! John grabs him and hugs him. Ted. and realizes. JOHN It.. Will you take care of me forever and ever? John stares at him. You did it. it was you.. She sees what’s happening.
. I don’t care.. TED (O. having discovered at last that all they really needed was each other.S. NARRATOR (V. but. You’re the only thing that matters in my life.) Ay-JOHN You and Ted. (then) And. I’m probably never gonna be any more than a guy who rents cars. JOHN I love you.126 CONTINUED: LORI Yeah.) Yes! JOHN And after last night. I’m not gonna wait any longer for my life to start. and Ted lived happily ever after.S.O. do you know how awesome it was punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I mean if that’s what it’s like to hit a woman. by a very special Justice of the Peace. Lori. . John and Lori kiss as we pull away. she smiles) That’s all I ever wanted. JOHN Oh my god. I want you to know that. Lori. too.. I.. John and Lori were married in a beautiful ceremony in Cambridge. LORI (smiling) I love you. I don’t ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again. I liked it. watch out. will you marry me? LORI (beat.) And so John. that’s my big brave man..... TED (O...
walking down the aisle in a wedding dress. Tanya goes down as Tami-Lynn tackles her. EXT. may kiss the bride. John gets in. Ted stands next to Sam J. CHURCH . who waves back. They run to a waiting limo with a “Just Married” sign on the back. Alix and Tanya. etc. Michelle. smiling warmly. SAM JONES What’s that? TED On three. passing pews full of people from the movie: Lori’s co-workers. Ted waves happily to John.. in a tux.DAY We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam J. They turn and wave to the cheering crowd. (CONTINUED) . OLD BOSTON CHURCH . John stands on the steps smiling and looking out as we cut to. Tanya catches it. You John and Lori kiss each other. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away. Tami-Lynn bursts into frame. She turns and smiles at Alix. TIME CUT to shortly after.). Ted. Jones standing in robes at the altar.. standing at the altar.CONTINUOUS John and Lori come running out of the church. there’s only one way to end a perfect day.127 INT. Then suddenly.. stands in the best man’s position. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully. as Sam Jones addresses the two of them. John’s co-workers. TED Y’know Sam. and Tanya. watching with a smile as his best friend heads off. SAM JONES What on three? TED Flash jump. and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina. SAM JONES I now pronounce you man and wife. Jones. punching Tanya in the jaw. ANGLE ON Lori. (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND.. and the crowd tries to pull her off. as the crowd throws rice at them. Tracy.
) Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career.O. He was instantly promoted to store manager.. (CONTINUED) . NARRATOR (V.) And that’s the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.O.. DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same time. as the Flash Gordon theme kicks in. NARRATOR (V.) Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful “Superman” movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us..128 CONTINUED: SAM JONES (realizing) Right. One. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of TamiLynn’s bare bottom. NARRATOR (V.) Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time.O. TED/SAM JONES YEAH!!! They freeze frame in mid-air. three. INSERT: photo of BRANDON ROUTH. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. INSERT: footage of Sam Jones..O. walking toward John in slow motion. Over the music: NARRATOR (V. INSERT: footage or Rex at the office.. INSERT: footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double date.. two.
O. THE END . NARRATOR (V. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.O.) Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori.) Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy.O. and went on to become Taylor Lautner. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig’s disease.) Robert got a trainer. INSERT: photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER. INSERT: footage of Robert.129 CONTINUED: NARRATOR (V. talking to Ted in his bedroom. INSERT: footage of Donny dancing in his living room. lost a substantial amount of weight. NARRATOR (V.
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