SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - VERY EARLY MORNING
JASON BATEMAN walks out on to the porch of the only house he’s lived in for 38 years. Bathrobed and pillow-headed, he clings to a mug of coffee -- six important sips away from go time: a shower, shave, work. The serenity of the moment is interrupted by strange electrical zapping noises coming from the neighbor’s residence. Jason takes a few steps toward the source of the commotion. He notices a moving truck in the neighbor’s driveway. All the windows in the house are strangely aglow. The air feels charged with static. The buzzing sound gains momentum, reverberating deeply, until it explodes in a sudden surge. Startled, Jason spills his coffee. He rests his hand on a tree and receives a static shock. JASON Fuh! Someone GIGGLES from across the street. Jason turns his head just in time to catch a short fat man scurrying off behind some bushes. Jason retreats into his home, sucking his finger, floored by confusion. FADE TO BLACK ROLL CREDITS INT. SPORTS EQUIPMENT FACTORY - MORNING
MONTAGE - ROBOTS DOING HUMAN WORK -- Robots flattening strips of leather by hand -- Robot operating a hydraulic press -- Robot inserting felt padding into a baseball glove -- Robots doing quality checks -- Robots taking a coffee break -- Robot supervisor berating lazy robot employee -- ROBOT PAGE leaves factory floor and gets into elevator
-- Robot page gets caught staring at female worker’s breasts INT. FACTORY OFFICES - CONTINUED
MONTAGE WINDS DOWN -- Robot page exits the elevator and walks down the hall -- Robot page enters Jason’s office. END CREDITS INT. JASON’S OFFICE - CONTINUED holding a futuristic-looking smart phone to his eyes are glazed over as he stares at the robot in his doorway. He’s half-listening to a quick the other end of the line. ROBOT PAGE Mr. Bateman... Jason continues to stare, daydreaming. ROBOT PAGE Uh Mr. Bateman... Jason snaps out of it and the robot page transforms into a YOUNG AWKWARD EMPLOYEE. We realize that Jason was only daydreaming. There was no robot. JASON (closing the phone conversation) Alright, Rodrigo, I’ll revise those order docs for ya and uh...uh shoot you a confirm first thing esta noche. (beat) Si, si. (beat) Dayyyyyy-nada, mon ami. Jason takes a few seconds to find the button on his phone to end the call. Jason and Young Awkward Employee stare at each other uncomfortably for a beat. Young Employee pulls at the crotch of his pants which was clinging uncomfortably to his penis.
Jason is ear. His standing voice on
YOUNG AWKWARD EMPLOYEE (nodding toward Jason’s phone) You know there have been like four upgrades since that model. Jason shoots him a look that says "I couldn’t care less." YOUNG AWKWARD EMPLOYEE Uh Mr. Root would like for you to... (reciting from memory) ...feast your eyes on this hot puppy. The young employee tosses a freshly made baseball glove to Jason, who puts it on and holds it up to his face. He breathes in deeply through his nose, drifting off into nostalgia. JASON (intoxicated) Oh... YOUNG AWKWARD EMPLOYEE And he wants... (reciting from memory) ...your bubble buns in his office a...a...asup? JASON (correcting) ASAP. Jason swivels in his chair to get some privacy with the glove. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply again. JASON Two minutes... INT. MR. ROOT’S OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
Jason enters the office holding the glove and some papers. His boss, STEPHEN ROOT, has a drunken personality and treats his best employees as if they were his son-in-laws. MR. ROOT Bubble Buns! Whatcha got for me? Big digits, no whammies. JASON Yeah, well...they’re all here.
Jason hands Mr. Root the papers. He looks at them as if they were written in Chinese. He tries turning them upside down, but still looks frustrated. MR. ROOT I told you now, damnit, digital files! I can’t read these things. JASON Look, this is English, the same as on your computer screen. MR. ROOT Yeah, but I told you...it hurts my eyes to look at these things (more frustrated) And I get paper cuts, Goddamnit. Mr. Root hands the papers back to Jason. MR. ROOT Just...just break it down for me. JASON (shuffling through papers) Alright, well...we’ve got...6000 units to Rodrigo in San Juan...uhhh, 8000 to Javier in Havana. And...4,000 to Junot in Santo Domingo. MR. ROOT (interrupting) Alright, alright...and what about Bob in Houston, Jimmy Jims in Omaha, Randy in Wilmington? JASON No new orders from those guys in quite some months, I’m afraid...sir. MR. ROOT Yeah, well, what I thought. Mr. Root concentrates on the ceiling, looking glum but confident. MR. ROOT That’s why this is a good idea. He looks away from the ceiling, and steals a glance at Jason out of the corner of his eye. He wants to see his reaction to what he’s just said. (CONTINUED)
JASON (apprehensively curious) Good idea? Mr. Root looks at Jason as if he’s about to say something very serious. INT. BASEBA GLOVE FACTORY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Jason walks alongside Mr. Root through the factory floor. MR. ROOT We gotta pack up, Jas. Everything. Move over to where the business is. JASON What are you talking about? Cuba? MR. ROOT Miami. We gotta cut shipping costs. You see the numbers, 90% of our orders come out of the Carribean. It’s been like that for the past 6 quarters. American kids don’t play sports no more. JASON Mr. Root, I can’t just move everything to Miami. I’ve lived here my whole life. Mr. Root stops walking and looks at Jason sympathetically. MR. ROOT Not asking you to come, son. We gotta cut costs all across the board. Jason is in minor shock. JASON You can’t find someone to replace me in Miami. No one knows sports equipment like I do, sir. MR. ROOT Not someone, champ. Something. Mr. Root gestures toward a small digital device resting on the table.
MR. ROOT I assume you’ve seen the commercials. Jason shakes his head. MR. ROOT Oh that’s right, you’re not much for the box. (beat) This is SmartEmployee, one of er...Zynga’s new developments. Designed to make administrative matters 10x more efficient. JASON So what, he’s like a robot assistant. MR. ROOT You don’t understand, Jason, this thing is like ten of you. JASON I hardly believe that...that... MR. ROOT (cutting Jason off) Well I was skeptical, too, at first, which is why I organized a little demonstration. Mr. Root blows a whistle which signals the foreman to blow his whistle and the entire factory floor shuts down.