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The New Burbs Jason Williams

The New Burbs Jason Williams

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Published by Jason Williams
Intro to adult comedy.
Intro to adult comedy.

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Published by: Jason Williams on Apr 07, 2013
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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The New Burbs Jason D.


INT. DICKIE’S SPORTS INC. - FACTORY FLOOR - MORNING ANIMATED/STYLIZED OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE CROSS-SECTION: Sports equipment factory (downstairs) plus corporate offices (upstairs) plus adjacent car park. Cartoonish robots assuming human roles on the factory floor: flattening strips of leather by hand, operating a hydraulic press, inserting felt padding into baseball gloves, doing quality checks, taking a coffee break. A robot supervisor berates a clumsy employee. A ROBOT PAGE carrying a baseball glove leaves the factory floor and gets into an elevator. On the ride up, he gets caught staring at a FEMALE ROBOT WORKER’s breasts. INT. UPSTAIRS OFFICES - CONTINUED

MONTAGE WINDS DOWN The robot page exits the elevator and walks down the hall, then into an office. He hands the baseball glove to a MANAGER ROBOT who sports a tie and baseball cap. The manager robot puts on the glove, checks his watch, then exits the building. He traverses the car park. END CREDITS/MONTAGE FADE INTO: EXT. OUTSIDE DICKIE’S SPORTS INC. - EARLY EVENING JASON DELL, late 30s, sporting a tie and ball cap, glove tucked under his arm, approaches a futuristic-looking vehicle in a corporate car park. He awkwardly inserts his two fingers into a slot (fingerprint scanner) in the car door. The car flashes red: denied. Jason grimaces like this is a familiar frustration in his life. He impatiently thrusts his two fingers in and out of the lock slot a few times. Schlick, schlick. The car flashes red again and emits a quick high-pitched warning sound -- BLEEP BLOOP.




CAR VOICE No access. Stand back. JASON Let’s go girl, quit yer blushin’. A man in a business suit approaches the vehicle parked beside Jason’s. He smoothly inserts his two fingers into the door, unlocking the vehicle. He looks curiously over his shoulder at Jason as he climbs into his car. Jason presses his entire body against his car and starts thrusting his fingers in and out of the door rapidly. It looks like he’s either finger banging the vehicle or masturbating. JASON Come on, you know my fingers, you little... A group of businesswomen walking by pick up their pace to get away from Jason. The car goes into full intruder mode, red lights flashing and alarm sounding. CAR VOICE Stranger danger. Report police. Jason kicks the car repeatedly. INT. JASON’S CAR - A LITTLE LATER Jason is reviewing business documents as the car apparently drives itself up a freeway ramp. EXT. FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS Jason’s car merges seamlessly on to the freeway and into a perfectly straight line with hundreds of other self-driving cars schlepping their owners home from work. MONTAGE DIGITAL 3-D BILLBOARD: A moving image of scientists growing beef in a laboratory -- Lab-Grown Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner CUT TO:




The driver of the car beside Jason’s is reclined in his seat watching anime porn on his windshield that doubles as a TV screen. We don’t know where his hands are, but they’re certainly not on the steering wheel. His children are in the backseat watching actual cartoons. CUT TO: BUMPER STICKER on the car in front of Jason’s: Rand Paul for President 2032. CUT TO: INT. JASON’S CAR - CONTINUOUS Jason is passed out, the business papers scattered around his lap. EXT. FREEWAY - A LITTLE LATER Jason’s car merges off of the freeway seamlessly down the exit ramp toward the suburbs. The sun is setting. INT. JASON’S CAR - CONTINUOUS A monitor on the dashboard lights up and a woman appears on the screen. She blows toward Jason. A blast of air shoots out of a vent ruffling Jason’s hair and waking him up. He rubs his eyes. EXT. SUBURBIA - MINUTES LATER The car switches out of automatic mode and Jason grabs the wheel. He navigates the easy suburban streets and enters a cul-de-sac. He pulls into his driveway, turns off the engine, and gathers his papers. Another car pulls into the driveway of the house to the right of his. He watches an attractive woman exit her car and walk toward her front door. He frantically tries to get out of his car in time to catch her, but accidentally presses a button that causes the windows to tint. By the time he gets his door open, it’s too late. She’s disappeared inside her home.

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