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,)-*W)-. P"LM /*"$0 1223 $)T* .4"56- 1278 L)9* L*TT*-+ +W*.*' 0)P* "'.*-+ -*6'I)' P"LM /*"$0, ,L)-I."
I first met Gunilla von Post a couple of years ago in New York, while she was en route from Switzerland to Florida !"d #een put in touch with her through an actress friend who knows at least two hundred unusual people on every continent, and had said,
$She"s Swedish She has an interesting story to tell %hy don"t you talk to her&' (n a #risk Novem#er evening, I )oined Gunilla and her son for dinner at a #ustling #istro on *anhattan"s +ast Side (ur conversation that night was indeed interesting, providing tantalizing evidence of a great true love story, as yet untold (ur relationship grew slowly, via telephone calls, letters, and meetings Finally, in the fall of (--$, I flew to Palm ,each for ten days and Gunilla and I #egan to colla#orate (ur first task was piecing together the handwritten love letters -ohn .. .ennedy had sent her from (-$% through the summer of !/01 2 letters she had saved for forty years 3s she recalled details of their courtship, their #ittersweet romance, and their une4pected #ut heart2stirring reunion in (-$ , a portrait of *r .ennedy emerged that was new 2 that of a tender, affectionate young man, very different from the coolly am#itious and philandering -F. of the ta#loids 3s I heard Gunilla"s story, I realized that despite the millions of words already written a#out him, this century"s most famous 3merican has remained a figure glimpsed through a prism as diffused as any view of history 5he vision Gunilla was sharing with me showed facets of our thirty2fifth president that hadn"t #een revealed until now (ur days and nights of talk, writing, and dinners opened up names, dates, places, and feelings that Gunilla thought were !66ig forgotten Still, these were therapeutic hours filled with more laughter than pain 5hroughout, we tried as much as possi#le to capture Gunilla"s spirit *ore important, we sought to transmit a memora#ly emotional e4perience onto the page %hat you are a#out to read is the result of this effort, a personal, uni7ue reminiscence of -ohn .. .ennedy, related in the ingenuous voice of the woman he not only loved #ut also wished to marry 2 his most secret, and perhaps truest, young love ,esides revealing a sensitive, vulnera#le -F. captured through her own intimate lens, Gunilla"s memoir is the story of a haunting romance, a $#rief, shining moment' 2 #efore 8amelot, #efore an assassin"s #ullets shattered the hopes of the country and a generation of 3mericans 2 a moment in time that Gunilla von Post is at last ready to share with the world
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I a/a0ened later than usual on the )orning of May #0, in )y a,art)ent on 1oconut 2o/. 3hile )a0ing coffee, I glanced through the /indo/ but couldn4t 5uite )a0e out the /eather. I too0 )y
and 2icardo.riday.laced )y cu.ast had collected itself into a co).art)ent house. He said she had died @in her o/n /ay . I had heard about )o)ents /hen a lifeti)e flashes before one4s eyes.eared in front of his )other4s . slo/ly do/n on the coffee table and sat 6ust as slo/ly and carefully on )y sofa. u. .ing that the .ressed M>7E. 3isner. a. in the Al. Eduardo.illo/s and )aga:ines on a chair. and 1aroline. And once. I sa/ a . ?ennedy.on both of us..lete . 2osina.art. her husband. It /as . and their children. 7he announcer4s voice droned on. and Jac5ueline4s. I /ould be able to see )y firstborn. )y adorable grandchild. I . Jr. born only three years a. Andrea. I /asn4t listening to hi). No/ several lifeti)es ran 5uic0ly by* )ine. I . My only .ired )e to be a good )other to )y fatherless children.. 3e /ere of the sa)e generation. and a busy /ee0end lay ahead. outside onto the little terrace 6ust off )y dining roo) and loo0ed u. as is )y habit " the /orld being 5uite noisy enough " and /atched the screen brighten. one I could see /hole no/..s. And /e had survived. I had /atched her as she raised John Jr.ounding /ithin )y chest /ould cease. =ut today I /ould rela'.erson /ho had )ade an indelible i).@ 9tunned as I /as. Instead of the usual )orning 5ui: sho/s and tal0 ... Janni. =etter chec0 to see if the sun /as going to )a0e an a. the . and her si'"year"old boy.cu.riv ileged u.earance. a daughter of . I had al/ays felt a sisterhood /ith Jac0ie. trying to co). then ta0e a flight over the Atlantic to )y s)all but co:y flat in the 9/iss village of . in the cruelest . =ut /e had suffered agoni:ing tragedies..ainfully serious"loo0ing ne/scaster tal0ing fro) behind his des0.icture. I found the television re)ote tuc0ed a)ong the .ring of an old 9/edishABer)an fa)ily /hose ancestors could be traced bac0 to ancient 9candinavian nobility.rogra)s. =ut this /as a /atershed )o)ent& for )e. too.ublic de)eanor had ins. the t/o of us.bringing " )ine as the offs. I turned off the 7.ose )yself and ho. and /e each had en6oyed the co)forts of a .rench nobility. And /e all feel luc0y for that. and Jac5ueline. 7here.. Her dignity and . 7he ne't on"screen i)age /as the face of a very fa)ous /o)an. Isabel. I /as listening to )y o/n thoughts.ossible /ay. /e had both loved the sa)e )an.illars"sur"<llon. I /as a/are that Jac5ueline had been ill. and clic0ed it on. 3e had both been /ido/ed.. 7here /ere still so)e gray clouds hiding the sun. 3e had both lost an infant son.ifth Avenue a.rint u. then head on to Portugal to stay /ith )y younger daughter. I /as due to fly to Ne/ 8or0 on 9aturday for a 5uic0 visit /ith )y son. and that of a third . of course.lans /ere to )eet a fe/ friends at the beach club for lunch and a s/i). and underneath her /as a subtitle* Jac5ueline ?ennedy <nassis (-#-"(--% I clic0ed the sound bac0 on as John . but the reality of this ne/s /as still a shoc0.
id by no/. to hear the /aves. nothing4s /rong. I4ll be there in a /hile.. dear. And above /as the sa)e sun that had shone do/n u. My heart /as filled /ith e)otion& the )e)ories ca)e bac0 to )e. 9to. 7he /aves had a si)ilar soft and steady s. Just " start /ithout )e. far bac0.ing at one of the railings overloo0ing the /ater. forty years in the .rivate " and )agicalC I grabbed the .on hi) " an ocean a/ay.ic0ed u.ast. )y coffee and dran0 a fe/ si. on another beach. and a lifeti)e ago.eo.s.lash.. 7he ocean has al/ays been a healing .art)ent house and drove across =ra:ilian Avenue to 9outh <cean =oulevard. .o/er for )e. I /anted to /al0 by the sea. but I didn4t )ind. no. =ut /ould her children understandC 3ould )ineC 3hat /ould . as bright and clear as the s0y had beco)e " as blue no/ as it /as on the afternoon /e )et. It /as te. It4s Bunilla.recious. I thought bac0 to another day.on )e " and u. @ I left the a. to feel the bree:e and the salty s. My )e)ory /as reaching bac0. to so)ething i). I4) going to be late for lunch.I .hone and dialed. No. 1ould I ever tell anybody )y storyC I certainly never /ould have /hile Jac5ueline /as alive. I reached for )y dar0 glasses as the clouds burned off.le thin0 of )eC Did I /ant to let the /orld 0no/ about a )o)ent in ti)e that /as .ray against )y s0in. . @Hello. I loo0ed u.ortant that began over four decades earlier.
/e lay on the sand. 7he driver /ore a casual resort outfit. the )ain thoroughfare of 1annes. @Ho/ /ill /e get ho)eC@ Anne Marie as0ed. but /as beginning to )ove /est. He a.articular day.le. laughing all the /ay. It /as an e'citing . 3e ran u. @3e4d better go. 7here had been a nation/ide . My friend Anne Marie Einder and I had been sent there fro) 9toc0hol) by our fa)ilies for the )onth. and our allo/ances fro) ho)e hadn4t arrived for three /ee0s. Anne Marie and I had )anaged to )a0e it to the fa)ous plage at 1annes alone. and started /al0ing slo/ly. <fficially.le and big hotels.1278 Anne Marie and I raced each other out of the Mediterranean 9ea and u. 3e /ere lodged at Ea =ourgade. slo/ed do/n and then sto. it /as August. stone"and"/ood"bea) nineteenth"century villa rented fro) the 9/edishA.eo. After/ard. heading to/ard Nice. and he /as good"loo0ing.. and I /as on the 2iviera. 7he sun /as no longer beating do/n fro) directly above. /ho later /as at the >nited Nations in Ne/ 8or0. I stuc0 )y thu)b in the air. the stairs to Ea 1roisette.@ I said to Anne Marie. across the beach. lu'uriating in the /ar)th of a sun that shone )uch less often in our native 9/eden.innish =aronness 3rede. often s/a) /ith Anne Marie and )e at the stony little beach in 1agnes. Eoo0ing around at the traffic. d4 Antibes. 3e s.rench.rench as /e could to the local . and strongly built. and )y blond hair /as still a little tangled and salty.. /ith bro/n"green eyes. =ut on this . I /as t/enty"one years old.eo.ut on )y yello/ sundress and got ready to leave. but for the last /ee0 /e4d been living on only bread.$)T* .lace to be. but I . 3e traveled around the area in ta'is and the cars of our friends.o0e as )uch . but /e also had several good 9/edish friends /ith /ho) /e could tal0.4"56. about t/elve )iles straight north of 1a.ed fifty yards a/ay fro) the Hotel 1arlton.eared to be so)e /here in his early . nestled u.rove our . My distant cousin 9ver0er Astro). and served as our a)bassador to Paris. char)ing. 3e /ere not only running out of cash. <ur suits /eren4t 5uite dry. full of gla)orous . in the hills of Haut"de"1agnes. tanned. and red /ine. /e /ere there to i).ostal stri0e. a s)all. belo/ Ea =ourgade. I thought fast. A dar0 blue =ritish sedan. cheese.
9he4s driving )e cra:y. his sensuous voice /as strong and dyna)ic.ar0ling /ith 6oy.ression /as curious. )ostly because of his offhand style of dress.iercing. 3e arrived 6ust as the sun /as setting. and he /as off into the cro/ds again. )uch larger than Ea =ourgade.olite.@ he said. and /e learned that he /as an English business)an.ulled the) right off the clothesline and . =ut there he . @3hat are you u. @BavinF@ he said. its glo/ enhancing the rose". i))ediately /al0ed over to/ard our car.ed /ith an intensity that sur.a.@ 3e acce. It /as housed in an old villa. even courtly " a gentle)an.ted his offer of a ride. s. He had a casual loo0 about hi). 7he tall young )an glanced at us. slender young )an /ith tousled light auburn hair /al0ed by. to.leasure. and the food is good. /ith a fascinating accent I4d never heard before.forties. loo0ing out at the boats and shi. I felt an e'citing rush of 6oy.. 7here /as Jac0 " the tall A)erican fro) Antibes " already sitting in a corner ban5uette. Bavin 3elby told us he /as John ?ennedy. His tan /ashed . @A) I glad to see youF I4) being chased by this Italian contessa on a . recogni:ing Bavin. a >nited 9tates senator fro) Massachusetts. and then invited us to 6oin hi) for dinner at Ee 1hateau. =ut his eyes /ere intensely blue. and I forgot the na)e before /e arrived at our house to change for dinner. 3e ac ce.in0 table settings. and I don4t 0no/ ho/ to get rid of her. His shirt /as si)ilarly casual " faded. his entire face. 7he roo) /as already cro/ded /ith guests and busy /aiters. he as0ed /here /e /ere staying. Ee 1hateau /as indeed ro)antic and beautiful.es. because I had feared he )ight not sho/ u. @3hat the hell are you doing hereC @ A tall. it4s very ro)antic. 7he young )an4s e'. =ut /hatever the accent /as. He turned and. at the Port of Antibes.@ He sounded A)erican. as if there /ere stars in the).s floating in the /ater.ted his offer /ith great . @Jac0F@ he called out. I /as tre)endously relieved. /ith high ceilings and vie/s of the rolling hills and valleys of 1agnes. short"sleeved.ants /ere clean but un. BavinC@ he as0ed.ressed. befitting a chic restaurant in high season. tender blue eyes. /hen suddenly Mr.ut the) on. A fe/ )inutes later I /as sitting bac0. @3e4re going to have dinner at Ee 1hateau in Haut"de"1agnes. and he /as . sha0ing his head /ith relief. but 3elby didn4t )a0e any introductions. and not at all dangerous. and I ho.ulled to a sto. =ut I couldn4t forget those eyes. And he had a s)ile that lit u. 3elby .le but elegant dresses. As Anne Marie and I /al0ed into the dining roo) in our si). His na)e /as Bavin 3elby. I thin0 you4ll en6oy it.rised )e that I /ould see hi) again that evening. 3hy don4t you 6oin usC@ He loo0ed at )e /ith those . @I4ll see /hat I can do. as if he4d . 7hat )eant nothing to )e. @/hich is 5uite near your house. and even )ore /rin0led than )y sundress. After scolding us slightly for hitchhi0ing.
atience. It /as as if .y. I4) here /ith you no/. but I have a strong /illF@ I sur.eared. after leading her into the corner ban5uette seat. blue eyes. He /as right there /hen you loo0ed at hi). shee. )uch louder. Moving closer to )e.ennedy9' he re. slid in ne't to her.art of Jac04s soul lea. the head of the 2ed 1ross in 9/eden. 3hen /e /ere settled. actually.ened at that )o)ent.en /hite shirt. and you are so tiny and delicate and . to /or0 at a hos.ranceC@ he as0ed.@ I res. @Jac0 ?ennedy..@ I said.elled )y na)e. 3hy /as I able to s. he really see)ed interested in the ans/ers. I turned to hi) and said. @I4) sorry. 7he A)ericans I4d )et before certainly had the sa)e 0ind of energy and curiosity as John ?ennedy. I felt as though /e had 0no/n each other for a long ti)e.eated.. @Bunilla van Post. @3ell. I /as sur..enetrating ga:e. and the riveting intensity of his dee. @Is this your first ti)e in . He listened enthusiastically. he as0ed )e ho/ I s. I as0ed hi).@ he said. It sounds li0e Borilla.@ '.or the rest of that evening.onded.hans outside Marseilles. A fe/ years ago I /as sent by =aron Jan de Beer. but /ith )ore a)use)ent than i). loo0ing nervous in a boy ish. but I don4t re)e)ber /hat little /e said.ennedy9 -ohn . and co)fortable /ith hi)self. but nothing a. rather than raising his voice over the noise of the restaurant.roaching his ease. @No.rised )yself by saying this. and I found )yself tal0ing about everything. @HelloF@ Jac0 said right a/ay to all three of us.ea0. he re.layful retaliation. I 0no/ /e s.t directly into )ine. He /as direct. so that he and I /ere also side by side. everyone else disa. Jac0 leaned into )y ear to s. 9o)ething ha. /e couldn4t ta0e our eyes off each other./as " /earing a light gray suit and an o.ital for or. 3ith his . I /as often @Borilla@ fro) then on. I had )et a fe/ A)ericans.ea0 so o. Bavin too0 Anne Marie4s hand and. In .lied.. Jac0 and I see)ed to tal0 only to each other. it4s a funny na)e. 3hen he as0ed 5uestions. He /as i))ediately attentive to )e.rised at )yself& the sight of hi) )ade )e so ha.@ .ish /ay. He held out his hand to )e. @My health is a bit fragile. but never one li0e this. o. Jac0 did the sa)e. @I don4t 0no/. @3hatever ha.. He stood and loo0ed straight into )y eyes.o0e occasionally to Anne Marie and Bavin. but I got sic0 and had to go ho)e early.enly to a )an I barely 0ne/C It /as because Jac0 )ade everything see) so easy.en. and then he said. I thin0 I:ll call you thatF@ And so he did.ened to your friend todayC 7he Italian contessaC@ 3ith a youthful s)ile and do/ncast eyes. .retty. I don4t care. I didn4t hear your na)e.
3hen he as0ed )e ho/ Anne Marie and I had co)e to 0no/ Bavin. @3ell. Jac0 thought it /as hilarious. In a /ay.. @And the third brother. the castle near Perth . /ell. And ho/ did you )anage thatC@ he as0ed. Eady Margaret Douglas " Ha)ilton. And his brother Ale' is in . @Delicious. I don4t 0no/ the English for that. so 6ust after )y si'teenth birthday I4d been sent off to stay /ith a fa)ily in Eausanne. I4ve )et their son 3illia).@ I told hi).ered in )y ear. a s. too. @I 0no/. >nli0e the stern disa. @3ell.. it /as hard to deny )y gro/ing attraction to hi). on the EnglishA9cottish border. @ <ur )ain courses arrived. @Eady Margaret /as fa)ous for her stables. yes.@ he said. @9o.3e discussed travel )uch of the ti)e. @BoodC@ I as0ed.erate situation. no. a s)all /o)an. )y hand and croo0ed )y thu)b. and their sister.olitics.elled li0e 4ho)e.rise. @And that4s not really Bavin4s style. I held u.ri)e )inister.ed. He said t/o nice girls li0e us could get into terrible trouble doing such a thing. and co). and stayed /ith the old Earl of Ho)e and Eady Ho)e. 3e had both ordered sole meuniere. It4s .li)ented )e on )y enter.layboy.4 @ Jac0 nodded. @He gave us a lecture. Henry.ered bac0. I told hi) the story of our hitchhi0ing.@ @8es. did you go ho)e after thatC@ he as0ed. I caught Jac0 loo0ing at )e. but he4s conservative underneath. and later to 9cotland as a guest at 9eggie den. )agnetic )an. @Ei0e this. )y shyness returned. I /ent to Douglas 1astle. I 6u).olitics. 7he e)otions running bet/een us /ere very dee. He finally loo0ed do/n and started his fish. =ridget. and ten years later /ould beco)e =ritain4s . 9o I told hi) about our des. His eyes rested on )e again.@ I ate a s)all .@ I said.ronounced 4hu)e4 but s.roval I )ight have suffered fro) )y Nordic aunts and uncles.resided over by the tall and engaging Ji))y Dru))ond"Hay and his /ife.arents 0ne/ that travel /as the best education. He loo0s li0e a . He leaned over and /his. Jac0 had been every/here. I /as e'cited 6ust to be near hi). He /as so .ecialty of the house. @I rode the .@ I /his.o/erful. My .@ @I thin0 so. eat /ith such gusto. He /as such a .@ Ale' Douglas"Ho)e /as indeed in .onies there.iece of bread /ith )y soupe au pistou Jac0 loved to /atch )e. He4s a /riter.
if his sister and I /ere 1ancerians /ith e'actly the sa)e birth date. =ut I didn4t .ersonality I /as /itnessing. I4d been . Jac0 couldn4t sto. And youC@ @MeC July (0. . and it /as one that fascinated )e.arents had actually had nine children. (-3#. and he offered that living in the lingering shado/ cast by his dead brother /as a .atibility bet/een hi) and )eC I . I4d turned red. And it cured )e of the curtsy. My . there. @July (0.le )ade fun of it.a.@ 7he reason I didn4t /as because.. =obby and 7eddy.lease )y . . and as I lo/ered )yself to curtsy. I didn4t 0no/ until )uch later that his . /ho /as 0illed in the /ar& and his t/o other brothers. and I couldn4t sto. I al)ost curtsied. sho/ing affection for )e. 7hat4s )y sister Eunice4s birthday.. He too0 )y hand.oured )ore /ine. /hich .ry. too.erate to . )y 0nee gave out such a loud crack9 that I thought it echoed throughout the courtroo). )uch as I /anted to .. Princess 9ibylla loo0ed do/n at )e and s)iled.eo.a. /as itC@ =ut it /as bad.ossible. at three o4cloc0 in the afternoon. (-(!.@ and )y )other. /ho /as so vivacious and clever.ound@ on the seashore. Even though so)e . both of /ho) had very high standards and rules of behavior that I /as never sure I could fulfill. I /as told it /as an ancient science. and loo0ed directly into )y eyes.ast May. I as0ed Jac0 his birth date. Also. as though everything in life /ere . I ad)itted to hi) that I4d al/ays been a little inti)idated by )y younger sister. <nly brothers. @it /asn4t so bad. Jac0 /as des.rised t/o distinct . either. 2ose& his father. =rita. 9he 6ust got )arried this .er and )ore inti)ate /as ha. Joe& and Joe Jr. 9everal of )y friends had recently beco)e interested in astrology and the signs of the :odiac.lease his father.resented to Princess 9ibylla at the 1ourt of 9/eden. /as there any 0ind of )ystical co).0ind. /ho /as called @aIle.ersonalities. I started to understand that this boyish"loo0ing )an /as carrying a heavy load on his shoulders.@ I thought it /as interesting that he4d not )entioned any sisters before this. three years earlier.roble).ening. too. I started to feel strongly that underneath the light give"and"ta0e of our conversation. <n the hottest day of the year. so)ething dee. I did /onder. He had great enthusias). E/a. s)iling at hi). since Jac0 /as a Be)ini and I4d al/ays heard that Be)inis co). @I /as born on May #-.oor )otherF@ Jac0 s)iled. No air"conditioning. Jac0 tal0ed about the ?ennedy @co). though. 7he light outside had nearly faded.ut it this /ay* @Do you li0e your sister EuniceC@ @I love Eunice. and told )e about his fa)ily " his )other.@ he said. and it see)ed as though the chandeliers shone )ore brightly no/.@ she4d said in her bro0en 9/edish. )y dear. @7here.
the .ered light baritone. Jac0 began to sing. 7he band /as . My English /ill i). I thin0 )y destiny is /hat )y father /ants it to be. and I4) very ha.@ At t/o o4cloc0 in the )orning /e /ere still dancing. 5uite elegant.laying /hen /e got there.@ I suggested. and I /as grateful for the candlelight.oleonic curl that 0e. Pa. :I love Paris in the springtime ' He held )e tighter than ever and /his.@ I closed )y eyes and s)iled as Jac04s ar)s enfolded )e. /ith an orchestra and an outdoor dance floor.ain )oved farther a/ay. because I blushed. /e all /ent over to Ji))y4s =ar across the /ay. As he too0 )e into his ar)s. 3hen I /as a baby. @<h. and gently . My . )y father had nic0na)ed )e Na.ersonality. After dinner. but again. He said.ing do/n onto the )iddle of )y forehead. 3hen /e arrived at Eden 2oc.@ As if to change the sub6ect. but I4ve thought of going.. =ut he didn4t /ant )e to notice.ushed a strand of hair fro) )y eyes.y. and I felt I could go on forever. I felt his body stiffen. No/ /e /ere under the stars.roble)s. @3e don4t have to dance.rench is getting better. /hich I felt I could reach u. of hair aside. He s)iled in an offhand /ay. d4 Antibes.. 7he )i)osa"li0e fragrance. He closed his eyes and see)ed to concentrate on breathing evenly.le gesture /as the sa)e thing. he reached u.t flo. I 0no/ that Bavin and Anne Marie ca)e along /ith us.ered in )y ear.@Do you believe in destinyC In fateC@ I as0ed. filled the air. and for the first ti)e that night /e /ere 5uiet together. @Do you love ParisC@ I said. I /as /itnessing his bac0 . 7he light /ind lifted )y hair. /here his fa)ily often stayed.layed. and Jac0 as0ed )e to dance /ith hi). the .a got into the habit of s)iling do/n at )e and brushing that /is. 7he orchestra began a haunting )elody that s/itched fro) )inor into beautiful )a6or chords in the )iddle.. He led us outside. and touch.ect fro) his effervescent . He s)iled and see)ed to /ill a/ay his . He held on and turned )e around slo/ly.ular nightclub. @<h. Jac0. Ji))y4s /as actually a . allo/ing )yself to drea) of a /onderful life /ith this charis)atic A)erican.oleona because of the little Na. but Jac0 suggested that the four of us drive do/n to Eden 2oc at 1a. and I 0ne/ as a young /o)an feeling the first stirrings of love that Jac04s si). It /as as if by holding )e closer /ith each song the )usicians . @I haven4t been there. enchanting /o)en in the /orld. so)ething you /ould never sus. I 0ne/ as a child that it /as a sign of affection. ty. the chronic condition he /ould endure throughout his life. yes /e doF@ he said. @I feel as though I4) dancing /ith one of the )ost e'citing. I have no recollection of /hat they did or /here they /ere.ical of the 1ote d4A:ur. Jac0 and I sat on the edge of the cliff. In a half"/his.ain.o.rove. slightly but char)ingly off"0ey.
He could have 6ust left that . It shi))ered on the /ater far belo/.@ He didn4t . He reached u. He loo0ed defeated and sad.Mediterranean s. 3e /al0ed slo/ly bac0 to his car. @Bunilla. /ith his hands resting lightly on )y shoulders.@ he said.led Jac04s face in the se)idar0ness. I loo0ed a/ay. but I ad)ired hi) for his honesty.rotest. and rubbed his chee0 nervously. first fro) the roc0 and said. 7he sa)e thing has 6ust ha. 7he )oon /as still bright.@ he said.. Jac0 sto. he as0ed.ly .@ I said.ear bluer than the sea beneath us. @If I had )et you one /ee0 before. a short flight of curved stone ste. and that everything /or0s out for you. @May I co)e in for a nightca. I fell in love /ith Brace ?elly the )o)ent I sa/ her.@ I shivered in the /ar) bree:e.@ I didn4t as0 /ho she /as. His e'. and the stars glo/ed in the s0y. @I4) going bac0 to the >nited 9tates ne't /ee0 to get )arried.. this ti)e )ore insistently. @I have to tell you so)ething. that4s that. do/n to/ard the sea.@ Jac0 continued. 7he entry /as u..lashed against the roc0s belo/. dee.ened no/. 7he brightness of the )oon and stars )ade his eyes a. but you could still see the Mediterranean through the). He turned and 0issed )e tenderly. /hich /ere shrouded in greenery. His eyes said he understood.ulled )y sil0 sha/l tightly around )y shoulders..ive years ago.@ I o..ea0. @. 7here /ere no /ords to describe the e)otional tension in the air. so close.ened to )e once before. He as0ed again.@ I said. @I /ould have canceled the /hole thing. I /as close to tears. )y dear Jac0.ed loo0ing at )e and fi'ed his ga:e so)e/here far beyond the sea4s hori:on.ression /as one I hadn4t seen before then that night.art out.s. @3ell.assionate 0iss and left. 3e . @And I only /ant to /ish you good luc0. or /hy he /as )arrying so)ebody he didn4t see) to love. . =oth his hand and his voice /ere sha0ing. It /as as if the t/o of us /ere one in the /orld. Eeaning over )e.@ I glanced at hi). @I fell in love /ith you tonight. Jac0 sat ne't to )e.@ he said. My shiver turned to a chill. @It4s only ha. and he drove )e ho)e.aused at the front door of the house at Haut"de"1agnes. I . He bro0e the silence by saying softly. He gave )e another long.C@ @No. and it da.ened )y )outh but couldn4t s. and )y breath /as ta0en a/ay. 1an I stay a little longerC@ @=ut you are going a/ay to get )arried. I rose u. li0e a leafy cocoon. He loo0ed and sounded stric0en. 7he bushes /ere dense. I4ve had such a /onderful evening.
ulled aside the /indo/ curtain and loo0ed out. I . because I 0ne/ /e could have been ha. Penicillin shots at the hos.rance..te)ber I had a sore throat. listening as he started his car. /hich )ight have co)e fro) the /ater or the food in southern . no one could tell. I /as sent to the hos. but I re)ained very /ea0.ital and diagnosed /ith ty.ital and then recu.y together. I )issed hi) terribly. .eration at Ea 1alifornie in 1annes lo/ered the fever.eared into the night. I /as out of )y )ind /ith a sense of loss. 7he sound of the engine finally disa.I closed the door and /aited. then let it fall bac0. 7hen I cried..hoid. =y the end of the /ee0. follo/ed by a severe fever. =ut then in the first /ee0 of 9e.
social life /as confined to .te)ber. the ne. 7his /as. and the boys /ent to all"boys4 schools. until the age of eighteen or so. Jac5ueline =ouvier /as very attractive and elegant. I /ent to an all"girls4 school. crying over an i). My )aternal grand)other..aled beside hi).lanes than his )ore fa)ous uncle. that I )ight not be able to have children.layer. after the fever /as gone. It /as 6ust a 0iss.ressive. He /as 9/edish and Austrian. and then scolded )yself for thin0ing it. /as )atron of honor. 7here /ere .letely /ell again. As a young girl. and then fle/ bac0 to 9toc0hol) at the end of the )onth. for all .arty /as i). Dr.arents of friends or school)ates. No/ 6ust get on /ith your life. one being a nice Ber)an boy. and the bride4s sister. I began to /orry that I )ight never have a nor)al life.@ He boasted that his father actually shot do/n )ore .ractical . so a )ingling of the se'es had to be carefully arranged.atience. He as0ed for )y hand in )arriage. He ca)e fro) an old fa)ily.erha. =ut this i). but I /as not 5uite nineteen. and . 3olf Manfred von 2ichthofen. and the entire first class got u. as" sured )e that /ith .ossible drea). Bunilla. No/ dating and boyfriends too0 on a different 5uality.I sa/ the /edding . and a fe/ beaus. I /as boo0ed into tourist class for the flight. 8ou received an in" vitation fro) the . I re)e)ber very fe/ e'cursions into . good food.lenty of rest.ital u.ur. but )y .. I )et a fe/. I stayed in Paris for a /ee0.eo. ?arin El)er. 7raditionally. @My cousin has ty. 9everal )onths after I turned eighteen. I /ould be co).hoid fever.iano . and his father /as a very good friend of )y .ri)atur did not .histicated dresses.arties. and she has to co)e sit /ith )e. I4d co)e close to the real thing /ith Jac0.hysician. and lived in =ra:il. I li0ed hi) a lot. 7here /ould be food.rivate ho)es.arents. Jac04s brother =obby /as best )an. in first class and announced to the ste/ardess. Even in the )id"(-$0s.oses. but she and I /ere so different. as0ing you to a the dansant Gthey later /ere really @/ine dansants@H. and ran to the bac0 of the . =or6e E6ru. all rather for)al. I did start to get better and get on /ith )y life. It /as a good life.ilot @the 2ed =aron.he/ of the legendary fighter . It4s over. 9lo/ly. there had been an ad)irer na)ed =erth von ?ant:o/.ets /ere rolled bac0 and everyone danced " in suits and so. and . I stared at her face and couldn4t understand /hy Jac0 had said he loved )e and yet /as )arrying a /o)an so dar0.ro). but Jac0 had changed )e. 7hat could have been )e. I also thought. Eee.ictures in )aga:ines that 9e. /hile I /as so fair. trying to recover. 9/edish . usually on a 9unday afternoon. holding bunches of flo/ers.laneF I had another stay in the hos.le of our class )aintained a style of living that /as straight out of the nineteenth century.@ I did.s a .hysically. the only /ay to )eet boys u.ublic society. 7he /edding .on )y return to 9/eden& )y heart )uscle infla))ation )ade )e /ea0 for a long ti)e. too. /ho . ti)e. it4s the end. but )y second cousin 1laes =raunerh6el) ha. and other )en . 8ou can4t 0ee. at least .ened to be u.t )e to fall in love. and then the car. /ith all the /o)en in flo/ing /hite dresses.
/as as different fro) )y )other as a cool glass of le)onade is fro) a glass of schna.ted a fe/ invitations. fa)ily and friends.arties. and dances. than0 you. but he4s not the )an for you.s. Bunilla. 7here /ere . .@ 1ertainly none of the) had affected )e the /ay Jac0 had. and then the usual festive 9/edish 1hrist)as"sleigh rides in the icy /inter sno/. 7he . and en6oyed going out. I /as cra:y about her. and )ulled /ine. he4s very nice. 3hen he /as offered a glass of cha). I tried not to thin0 about Jac0. @<h no. and =erth 6oined us for a . @No. Brand)other ?arin /rote . =ut I li0ed a busy social life. =ut I couldn4t sha0e hi) fro) )y heart. later had her o/n o. and teas.agne.ractical side of )e screa)ed that John ?ennedy /as a lost cause. he said. so after )y return to 9/eden I acce. no.@ No/ I began to /onder if I /ould ever )eet @the )an for )e.inion about =erth. but I did any/ay..oetry and /as considered eccentric. May I have a soft drin0C@ and )y grand)other /his.ered to )e 5uic0ly. 9he and )y grandfather had a house on the /est coast.arty there to celebrate )y nineteenth birthday. because I 0ne/ that /hat /e had had together /as )uch )ore than 6ust a 0iss.
hone nu)ber.@ <n the follo/ing 7uesday. 3ashington.?C .inally I sat do/n to /rite hi).hone nu)ber and called the a. so I 0ne/ this had to be true.. but in the )idst of /riting the letter.@ I . she re.@ @3ell.During the first /ee0 of the follo/ing March. @He4s very . D. and as I brushed the /hite fla0es off )y coat. she said. .ital of the >nited 9tates.rotested. I did as0 hi). that he had ta0en the ti)e and trouble to loo0 u. (-$%. J.ersistent.ro) A)erica. My )other /as at ho)e and s. I /ouldJ@ @Dear. he /rote that.ened the envelo.e slo/ly and carefully.@ I loo0ed at the envelo. =ut not entirely.orted his calls to )e.te)ber.. but I recogni:ed that distinctive Ne/ Eng land voice. I o. At the end. ?ennedy is full of char).ost)ar0ed March #.1. .lanning to @return to . Disbelief.ast August. I /ondered if this J..@ Ma))a said.o0e to hi). All she said /as. @if you /ould 6ust as0 hi) for a tele. though unfortunately.art)ent.rance .on seeing hi) sitting in the ban5uette at Ee 1hateau that . @7his is his third call. . 3ill you be thereC@ L)9* L*TT*-+ I /as a)a:ed and thrilled that Jac0 had /ritten to )e. I ca)e bac0 to our a. but in the )eanti)e he had also found our tele. but she /ouldn4t fill in )any details. @7his arrived today. @..@ 3hen I as0ed /hat they tal0ed about.recise. 3ashington. @3e tal0ed about you. He as0ed if I re)e)bered our ti)e together in 1agnes. @8our Mr. He 6ust says he4ll call again.art)ent one day on 9toc0hol)4s 9tyr)ansgatan. Ma))a. before the s. I felt sure Ma))a could hear it.ring tha/ began to )elt the sno/drifts. 9enate <ffice =ldg.@ she told )e. and then at the return address hand/ritten in the u. J.e. <f course. he called and I /as ho)e.er"left corner* 2M 3I#. I fully intended to /rite hi) bac0. /hen I /asn4t there.. he /as . Not fro) the 9enate in the ca.erienced u. I )issed hi) again. in 9e.@ My )other /as 5uite . I /as flooded /ith the sa)e /ar) feeling that I4d e'.? /ere so)ebody else. =ut no. My heart /as beat ing so loudly. @BunillaC Is it youC@ 7he long"distance /ires crac0led.or a )o)ent. s)iling. our address in 9toc0hol). )y )other ca)e out fro) the sitting roo) and handed )e a letter.?.
e /e can see each other. I4) ans/ering your letter no/. )ade )e change the tone to sound )ore encouraging. He drea)ed of sailing@ . I /as .lans. ho/ever briefly. I sa/ the t/o of us. a little shy. the idea of Jac0 and )e alone at sea /as . Bunilla. and if not.leased.ossibleC@ He ended it li0e a 5uestion. Having tal0ed to hi). <nly a /ee0 and a half . usually s.@ @7he 2iviera.lied.. and if I .. /hite sails fluttering in the /ind.assed. 7he boat. H)).e in late August. I /ent bac0 to /riting )y letter. I /anted to see hi) again )ore than anything. I ho.@ I re. and then . as0ing if I /ould be busy. I finished by saying that /hatever /e decided. to feel that e'citing inti)acy that had been so intense at 1a. I thought his voice sounded tentative..lanned to go bac0 to 1agnes. thenC@ @I4) not sure. alone in a big. /ell. if that4s .aused.ossible.@ @I4ll /rite. /ith the crystal a:ure of the Mediterranean la.. I4d need to 0no/ /hen he /as co)ing before )a0ing . <0ayC@ @<0ay.lans are set. @It4s not i). I4ll let you 0no/.ing all around us. Bood"bye. too.@ 3e both had left so )uch unsaid. I longed to be close to hi) again. along /ith E/a and )e.hone.lanning to go there.@ I /as thrilled to hear hi) say that. and an assort)ent of relatives. @7hat /ould be /onderful. the Mediterranean for t/o /ee0s " /ith you as cre/. /hen )y .@ He .@ @Not i). 7hat4s a start. Jac0. and then ca)e another letter.. but so)e instinct /arned )e to ta0e it easy for no/.ut the bra0es on. I thought this /as endearing. He finished by saying that he /as thin0ing of leasing a boat. I4d /ant to see you. He /rote that he /as ho.art of our su))ers in southern 9/eden.y. beautiful yacht. @I )ight be co)ing bac0 to Euro. I4) not .@ I allo/ed )y i)agination to run free.e this su))er. but I felt very e)otional /hen I hung u. Do you thin0 /e )ight )eet in ParisC@ @<h yesF@ I began. the blue /ater. @I )ean. He as0ed /hat I /as doing. Jac0. could /e )eet. d4 Antibes. 2eally. I can4t /ait for us to )eet again.@ @I . @3ell. and Anne Marie and her /ido/ed )other. the tele.@8es. I don4t 0no/. <ur evening together )ade )e so ha.ossible.ent .. since )y )other and father.ing to co)e to Euro. Ho/ are youC@ @Just fine.
as the )elody of @I Eove Paris@ drifted through )y )ind. ho/ever. it cre. invading )y heart..@ she decided. that Jac0 had a /ife and that I shouldn4t be having this drea). His fa)ily /ent there.@ 7his /as going to be a struggle. @7hat )ight )a0e sense.or one thing. I thought her o.t bac0.articularly liberal. 7hat )uch I 0ne/ " /hatever the location. 3e did not need endless discussions to re)ind us that Jac0 had a /ife. I don4t thin0 you should go any/here to )eet hi) unless it4s )utual ground. I gave a lot of thought to the best /ay to arrange our reunion. I really /anted to see hi) again.ro.@ Ma))a /as not .rove of this. Although her )arriage had been short"lived. It4s a little )ore . it /as a different cultural cli)ate.er.ursuit of )e )ight )ean his )arriage /as not a solid one. @If Jac0 is so an'ious to see )e. >se your head.ean standards. even by 9/edish or Euro. @. I often felt tired.ronounced.lative. 3ell. .@ I added. . and you /ill do /hat you )ust. to )eet )y fa)ily.@ E/a . It see)ed to )y fa)ily that his . 7hat /as still his territory.ro)antic beyond belief. I even discussed it /ith )y )other and E/a. everyone is inti)ately ac5uainted /ith all their relatives " or else they are your relativesH. she had already been )arried " to Anne Marie4s brother.inion on the sub6ect of )y seeing Jac0 /ould be )ore /orldly than )ine.ing into so)ething 6ust because your heart tells you to. =ut I advise you to thin0 very carefully about this before you go 6u).ut it her /ay* @I cannot say I a.roble). he should co)e here to 9/eden. And then there /as so)ething else that concerned )e. E/a /as a bit younger than I. As a result.hoid /as still a . but /ho is to say /hat is rightC 8ou are a gro/n"u. Bunilla. 3e didn4t reflect u. but she /as )ore secure. Ma))a . @He4s al/ays tal0ing about Paris. I /asn4t . 3as I vivacious enough for the dashing Jac0 ?ennedyC ?no/ing that Jac0 /ould call or /rite soon. Ernst Einder Gin our . /o)an no/.lanning to go to A)erica. either.articular 9/edish fa)ily circle. I already feared it /ould be )y head that /ould lose.ushed this vision a/ay. =ut every ti)e I . E/a beca)e conte). I 0ne/.on /hy or ho/. My fragile heart )uscle fro) the ty.irst of all. <r the 2iviera. E/a agreed. and this /as not only a different era.
. Prince 1harles4s )entor. I learned early on that although there /as lots of nobility in )y bac0ground. that /as one reason I adored hi) so. funny.. /hile loo0ing at )e.referred soft drin0s to cha). <lof von Post. and she /as a great hostess. =ac0 in the (-30s. 1arl"Bustaf 7ers)eden.My father. /hose lineage /ent far bac0 into 9/edish history. He got to 0no/ )y )other.ar0. fortunately it had been )i'ed u.le has fallen so far fro) the treeC@ 7his )otherAdaughter difference )ust have been . but she had )arried a )an /ho /as 6ust too inde. He /as al)ost t/o decades older than Ma))a.lorer and author and. . I /asn4t li0e her.oetry"/riting original /ho disa. /ho died in Dece)ber of (--I at age ninety. I re)e)ber bac0 /hen I /as in )y teens.art of our heritage. My )other /as a ..referred )en )ore )ature than I/as.osition at the 2oyal 1ourt. )y )aternal grand)other.s )ost fa)ously. and I inherited these 5ualities. 9he believed in duty to husband and fa)ily. one of the )en I4d )et at a social tea.ly Post.ortant 1ourt officer. a . .. sto. .ose the a.ing at galleries along the /ay. he /as about to be offered an i). )y father began his career as an officer in the 9/edish )ilitary. as far as /e can tell. and he often too0 )e out for 9unday /al0s in the . too. and unconventional.agneH.endent in s. He /as a char)ing and generous bon vivant. von Post. beca)e 5uite interested in )e. in (#0$. Pa. but an e'. In the fa)ily tradition. ?arin Gthe bohe)ian. Eaurens /as not only a soldier. He also s.ainting and the arts. I have often thought that )y )other /ould have delighted in being the /ife of an i).. @Mrs.. and /asn4t at all li0e her bohe)ian )other. /as artistic. 9toc0hol)4s old city.referred to leave such discussions to the /o)en of the house..roved of )en /ho . 7he von Posts ca)e to 9/eden in the seventeenth century. too. =ut )y Pa. .earing for the first ti)e. as /ell as the godfather to his son Prince 3illia).a4s ancestors /ere originally fro) 9chau)burg.irit. <ne of the )ore distinguished descendants of /hat /e consider another branch of the fa)ily /as Eaurens van der Post.onsored several young artists over the years.ortant . /as actually rather artistic and ro)antic. and )ost of the )en /ere soldiers.erha. a =ritish auto)obile insurance co)..ro)otion.olitics and geneology. Ber)any. and I. And although /e shared certain sensibilities. <lle. so later he too0 an entirely different route and beca)e the head of the 9/edish branch of Motor >nion.a 0ne/ a great deal about . as /ell as . and circu)stance /ere not for <lle Ganother trait /e sharedH. /ith an e'traordinary sense of hu)or. and one day he said to her. /hy do you su. a.any /ith offices in Ba)la 9tan. <f course.roud /o)an of her generation..a. As I4ve said. but . /here their na)e /as si).o). /ith so)e refreshing ne/ blood fro) the /est coastF Pa.
. It4s a /onderful location. @is a very char)ing and a)bitious young )an. Actually. @ . I really )ust thin0 about this. as did )y father. Ho/ about ParisC@ @Maybe. too.olitics.@ he said.@ I ans/ered 5uic0ly.. @Hearing your voice is /onderful for )e. In the fall.e. =eginning in )id"June. but not too late. /ho /as 9/eden4s a)bassador to 3arsa/. and all the flags of the northern nations fly fro) high on its roofto.ronounce)ent /as o)inous. )y dear. ho/ever. and handing out brochures. @Jac0. @Bunilla. )ore confident.a /asn4t entirely silent on the sub6ect of )y courtshi. I4ll /rite you to)orro/. @John ?ennedy. the truth /as I /as so vulnerable to his entreaties. <ur tal0s and letters had reassured hi) that our feelings for each other /ere not only shared but /ere blosso)ing into so)ething neither of us could sto.@ I said.. I had told Jac0 to try to tele. overloo0ing the fleet of ferryboats that ta0e .. don4t youC@ he said. Do you thin0 you could co)e do/n to the 1ote d4A:urC@ @3ell .le advice. It 6ust /ill have to be a little later. I en6oyed the /or0. /ith an even )ore a)bitious father. /hich is still the leading lu'ury hotel in all of 9candinavia. @ @<0ay. although it didn4t involve )uch )ore than s)iling. I can4t /ait to see you again.osing red bric0 facade. I feared I )ight say yes.@ His o/n voice /as )ore co)fortable no/. 7he club4s offices /ere located ne't to the Brand Hotel. @I don4t have any ne/s yet about )y tri.@ If the tone of Eric4s . 3e /ill /or0 it out. =ut I /anted to re)ain careful. after /or0. that even if he had said 7ahiti.ea0 discreetly /ith our cousin Eric von Post.. Eric had a /ide vie/.eo.elago in the =altic.lace the calls fro) his office rather than fro) his ho)e. or the Australian outbac0. @8es. 7he 2oyal Auto)obile 1lub has an i). 9iberia. 7he si'"hour ti)e difference allo/ed hi) to .hone )e in the evenings.. @=ut I am going to Euro.@ @8ou do /ant us to get together.le to and fro) the archi. I /as not going to let it scare )e off. giving . I did it /ell.Pa. I 0ne/ )y heart /as /inning. so I ans/ered. his voice full of ardor. I /as /or0ing for the 9/edish 2oyal Auto)obile 1lub.@ I /as beginning to /ea0en.eo. He did s.@ Hearing that.. and it is directly across the /ater fro) the 2oyal Palace. @<h yes. Jac0 began calling again. of /orld . I 6ust /anted to hear your voice.
@ I /rote hi). MAN8 2EB2E79 " J<HN@ 7he cable u. =y <ctober I beca)e alar)ed. =ut he could be stubborn. In August.ortant . adding that he didn4t /ant to @drift through Euro.ecially he didn4t /ant to /ait for /ord @fro) the North that never co)es.eration on his bac0. but the )ost i). If I4d 0no/n he /as given last rites. he /as flo/n to Ne/ 8or0. I received an urgently ro)antic ..lace. but he also had Addison4s disease " an adrenal )alfunction and that /as a secret. In the letter that follo/ed.e@ and es.eated his .art /as that I gave in a little about our )eeting . and he barely survived it. @I don4t 0no/ if you are still dangerous.en the ne't day. I /as .leaded /ith )e to )eet hi) in Paris or the 2iviera.lans to )eet there in 9e.ort. for an o. Jac0 /ould e'. @=ut /e )ight try for Paris.ital. d4 Antibes and then travel fro) there to )eet )e in Paris. to the Hos. but on the third of that )onth. that he /as in the hos.eration /as a double fusion .rocedure. but you /ill understand ho/ )uch /hen /e )eet. a telegra) arrived fro) Hyannis.ic0ed u.hone call* @I see your face every/here..ro)ise anything yet. but I4) trying li0e hell to find outF@ 7hen he suggested another co). and then a )onth. Although he )ay /ell have hurt his leg.lans to travel to Euro.@ During his ne't call.tured his lo/er lu)bar disc /hile .ite his bac0 " but because I had been loo0ing for/ard to our reunion so eagerly. If .ro)ise* He /ould go to 1a. 3e )ade tentative . he re. t/o /ee0s.@ I longed for 9e. I4) grateful that I didn4t 0no/ /hat Jac04s real troubles /ere until )uch later. I a) al)ost certain that it /as in this long letter that I told Jac0 a little anecdote fro) )y childhood* @8ou re )e)ber )y friend Anne Marie EinderC 7he other day she re)inded )e that her father )ade a re)ar0 about )e /hen I /as a child of seven* 47his little girl is going to beco)e very dangerous to )enF4@ 7he re)ainder of the letter I filled /ith ne/s and a little gossi. I /ould have been fran tic.ital for 9.I .ened /as that shortly after contacting )e.@ I /rote bac0. /hat really ha. @I can4t .laying football at Harvard. His tri. and so)eti)es you co)e to )e in drea)s. 7he idea of not seeing hi) again )ade )e feel hollo/.ecial 9urgery. and )y disa. He held on to the idea of the 2iviera li0e an Irish setter /ith a )utton bone. not only because Jac0 had in6ured his leg " I 0ne/ ho/ active he li0ed to be.te)ber. /ould have to be rescheduled and he /ould send another letter. Jac0 said. and . He ended /ith @72IP P<97P<NED. des. =ut I heard nothing for a /ee0.ressed.ort.. 7he o.oint)ent had no boundaries. /hich /as true. but /orse. telling hi) that if /e could /or0 out all the details. that4s ho/ )uch I yearn to be /ith you. I can4t tell you ho/ badly I /ant to see you.set )e. I felt braver since I no/ had an ally in E/a. I /ould )eet hi) in Paris. 9ince the telegra) had co)e fro) Hyannis. He said he had hurt his leg. 8ou 0no/ ho/ I yearn to be in ParisC 3ell.lain casually that he4d ru.te)ber. I /rote bac0 to hi) there.e in the fall. )y fountain .
He called one night and started tal0ing about our lying on a beach together in Italy. but I /as to find out that al though the o.ected to stay in the hos.onse arrived on 1hrist)as Eve.inally. He /as still in the hos. I don4t thin0 anybody in his fa)ily had ever given hi) that 0ind of unconditional love. He said that beneath )y beautiful.ecial /ay. a letter arrived.ital. I said that )y heart /as near brea0ing for hi). brushed )y hair aside. . I discovered that . I didn4t say yes and I didn4t say no. He e'..ostscri. chocolates. I told hi) of )y frustration at not being near hi) /hile he /as in such terrible disco)fort. it /as )y unconscious elusiveness that )ust have done the tric0. He as0ed /hy I didn4t arrange for the Auto)obile 1lub to send )e to the 9tates so that I could sho/ A)erican travelers the glories of 9/eden. He signed the letter. =itters/eet though that )o)ent /as. A /ar) heart. then return to 3ashington after the Ne/ 8ear and re)ain there until the congressional brea0 in )idsu))er. and terribly disa.assage on the ne't shi.eration /as fairly successful. and that I . I /anted to send )yself. his convalescence /as going to ta0e )any )onths. and Jac0 ?ennedy /asn4t used to that.ointed not to have been able to co)e to Euro. I had turned hi) do/n.@ 7hat /as /hat Jac0 needed the )ost. He then ho. He needed so)eone to lean on. but not until Nove)ber. but I /as learning to stic0 to )y guns. My days and nights /ere invaded by thoughts of hi). his father4s over/hel)ing a)bitions for hi). 7here /as a .ared that.ain /ould endure the rest of his life.le usually send flo/ers.le of )onths /ith his fa)ily to recu. returning to 3ashington at the end of July. yet reserved @face that still haunts )e " beats a /ar) heart.s.ital after t/o )onths. his un fulfilling ho)e life. and that he /ould give bac0 to )e. to boo0 .ress in /ords /hat I felt. I sent hi) a long letter and tried to e'.C@ Peo. 3ouldn4t it sho/ hi) ho/ )uch I cared if I )ade such a 6ourneyC Instead.e. I 0ne/ in the de.erate. then going to Pal) =each for a cou. @ I /as touched by his constant )ention of 1agnes and the 1ote d4A:ur. any chance you /ill be co)ing to the >. He had so )any res. and the . to share his burdens /ith " so)eone /ho /ould love hi) for his /ea0nesses as /ell as his strengths. His res.ths of )y being that this /as e'actly the 0ind of love I could give hi). or at least a get"/ell card to loved ones in the hos. He /as leaving the hos. I /anted to be by his bedside. @8 our " Jac0.9.ed to co)e bac0 to 1agnes.. He see)ed to )iss )e as terribly as I )issed hi). to co)fort hi) and reassure hi). and left.ital for another )onth.t* @ .osition in the 9enate.onsibilities on his shoulders " his . to Ne/ 8or0.ital for good in a fe/ days. I could still re)e)ber )y e'act feelings at the door/ay of Ea =ourgade /hen he 0issed )e that last ti)e..rayed for hi) in )y o/n s.
because he li0ed to do that in his letters. 9till obsessed /ith the 2iviera. inevitably. the daughter of our a)bassador to 3ashington. and considered co)ing to Euro.ostscri..ro)ised that he /ould @not fail to co)e " and youC@ =y the su))er of (-$$.isby. suggesting that if I decided to go to the Italian 2iviera. Ma))a /as right. I /rote hi) on the letterhead of the 2oyal Auto)obile 1lub. and invited hi) to visit us in =astad in the southern . At the end of our conversation. his res. on the 9/edish island of Botland. .ed )entioning the Auto)obile 1lub and /ondered. too* @=y the /ay. to as0 hi) to co)e to 9/eden the follo/ing su))er.Jac0 /asn4t the 0ind of )an you could tell /hat to do. He4d be finished in 3ashington on August (.t.hoto of yourself.onse arrived.onded.or)osa /hen the 9enate ad6ourned in July. I /rote another letter to A)erica and suggested that Jac0 loo0 u. and his resolve about the location of our reunion had crac0ed so)e/hat. I added a . saying that I ho. 3ell.rance or Italy. =ut then. @Bunilla.. he /ould 6oin )e. I also sent )y Botland address and . If he desired our reunion urgently enough " as )uch as I did " he /ould cross the ocean and co)e visit )e here. you4ll see /e actually have sunlight and nice /ar) bree:esF@ He res. he /anted )e to suggest an Italian beach /here /e could rela' and /atch the surf roll in for a cou. Italy again. I no/ beca)e )ore deter)ined than ever to arrange our ne't encounter )yself..art of 9/eden. ta0en in front of the 9toc0hol) a.e.ed he /ould sail to Euro.lan his itineraryC He . but if he thought so)ething /as his idea.hoto ne't ti)e.e in the su))er.e on or about the t/elfth. if you visit us in the southern . Mid"March.le of /ee0s. but first he /as co)ing to Euro.art in August. I had 6ust seen an A)erican )usical )ovie in /hich Donald <41onnor sang. I /as /or0ing as a hostess at the 9nac0gardsbaden Hotel near . he brought u. you see) to thin0 9/eden is cold and da). that /as different. I need to see your face. @if I 6oin@ /ould I .@ If I had once /anted to rush blindly into his ar)s /herever he /as. . if you have a . 9/eden did have its . )y friend Mona =ohe)an.ing out at the gift sho. He said that if I /ere going to be in 9/eden. @A )an chases a girl until she catches hi). 9end )e as )any as you can.@ 7hat /as good advice.lease send it to )e. He said he /ould be visiting Indochina and .ro)ised to include )y . He never sto.ed /e had beaches there. In bet/een behaving li0e a .art)ent building.leasures. he said. adding that he ho. hinting that even though he still see)ed obsessed /ith southern . then he /ould travel to our country.erfect young lady /ith the guests and hel.
I 0ne/ that our destiny /as to be together.ut do/n on . He said he thought I loo0ed @/ell and ha.@ I don4t believe I had 7uite . then drive fro) Ee Havre @to 9/eden and you. I /as disa.art " not the /ide Atlantic <cean. the site of )y su))er 6ob. (-$3.. but if he did.hone rang.t said* @And don4t forget the . /riting that although he feared it )ight be @a long /ay to Bunilla " it is /orth it. yet again.lans@ and that he /ould give u. he /as going to as0 her if she 0ne/ @a beautiful 9/edish girl /ith a 5uiet s)ile@ /ho lived on a )ountainto.icture ta0en of )e in front of 9tyr)ansgatan and sent it. I ran to our )ail slot at the front door. Mid"June ca)e his res.@ His .a. he said.es on the . <n a cool but sunny June )orning.ostscri. he ad)itted that he had not )et )y friend Mona =ohe)an yet.ros.. He told )e he /as .ation.ressures of his career. I tore o. inside. in the 9outh of .e in the foyer.itulated by )ail in July* @)y .y )ade of a .nited States. Jac0 closed /ith another tug at )y heartstrings. on July #!.ossible to rela'.lanning to leave by shi. A)ong the envelo. sailing on the lie de France and arriving August $. Even /ith that belief.laints about 9candinavian /eather " he ca.ar5uet floor /as one that )ade )e re6oice.s /ere beautiful to see. arriving on the tenth.@ I no/ truly believed that nothing /ould 0ee. nor the .en the envelo. and /hen it /asn4t Jac0. I fro:e in antici.h. he added.icture of . and often enough.referably )e.onse. and no/ he /as either co)ing to )e on July #-.lans are your . but either /ay. I finally convinced hi) that if /e /ere to )eet at all. I found it al)ost i). I /as terribly e'cited about the .@ 9o I /ent i))ediately to the . there /as a letter /aiting for )e /hen I arrived ho)e.1ontinuing. 7hat no/ fa)iliar hand/riting and the A)erican . . it /as Jac0. us a.er.is by. the /ar)th of the 1ote d4A:ur for 9candinavia. His . 3ith so)e reluctance " and the usual undercurrents of co).ostage sta).ut it that /ay.lans had changed a bit again. he /ould need a guide fro) the Auto)obile 1lub.y@ in the sna. along /ith another sna. 3hen the tele. . I had once told hi) that the su)" )ers here /ere @cold and da). because I /anted hi) so.shot of . =ut often enough. suggested that if I did " after all " /ant to go to Italy in late su))er.ect of seeing hi) again. I reread )any of the) and savored the /ords he )anaged to .hoto. and.@ He then. for @your .hoto sho.shot I4d sent hi). Dee. it /as going to be in 9/eden.rance at the end of the su))er. but 0ne/ that the real )eaning /as bet/een the lines. 7han0ing )e for the . /hich I li0ed best of all.ointed..hotogra. nor his do)estic situation. even though.is by. or on board the . and had a co.
3hen I thin0 about you it doesn4t hurt at all. @ If he couldn4t see )y s)ile.retty sure I4) still leaving on the . really ho/ are youC@ He started to ans/er /ith his usual u.@ +W*. )y Bunilla. And a big hug.@ @I can4t /ait.. Jac0C@ 7here /as a silence.1ongress /as ad6ourning on August $. too. and by June of (-$$.hone calls.@ I /as anguished for hi). I4) better. It4s been a /hile. He had boo0ed .@ I agreed. =ut I had to as0* @Does it hurt.*' It had been nearly t/o years since Jac0 and I )et. He /ould be in 9/eden on the t/elfth. @ 7here. =ye bye. He /rote that it /as (0( degrees in 3ashington. Bunilla. /e4re both going to be a bit nervous.beat confidence. Jac0 . I should tell you that I have to use crutches so)eti)es. @Don4t /orry. he could hear it. I need to. I4ll confir) /ith you. =ut it4s not so bad.@ @I ho. and he as0ed )e to confir) )y address in =astad G/hich he s.@ =ut then his voice changed. Jac0.@ @Bood.nited States in the first /ee0 of August. but that /on4t last. I couldn4t stand another delay. 7a0e real good care of yourself. doc0ing at Ee Havre on the tenth. He )ade )e feel so s.ecial. but I didn4t dare let hi) 0no/ 6ust ho/ nervous I /as.assage on the .osing so)ething about hi)self he /ould rather not have revealed.@ . Ho/ are youC I )ean. @=ut I have to see you.e it4s true.@ @Bood"bye. He called )e again in July* @I4) . he said. @I " /ell. I had tal0ed to hi) enough to 0no/ that he /as e'. he4d done it again.@ @Me. @8ou 0no/. He ended by saying he /as @an'ious to leave and to see )y 9/edish friend. Jac0. @0hh.elled @=astaad@H. I4ll send you the dates as soon as I get the). Jac0..nited States after all. @Every no/ and then. he had sent )e )any letters and )ade t/ice as )any tele. He added.
.@ I )arched right into Mr. no )atter /hat.li " because he /ent right ahead and sent his confir)ation letter to )e at 9tyr)ansgatan %$F As usual. to 9toc0hol) for a /ee0 before )eeting hi) in =astad.y " I thre/ )y ar)s around hi) and said. he )ade u. only about seventy )iles a/ay. of that I a) sure >ntil /e )eet " Jac0. .ar0ling blue sea. 6ust assu)ed that I /ould acce. I got it any/ay. or actually the ?attegat.. and that I /ould leave the island of Botland and fly u. It4s on a little . his o/n 9/edish s. I /ould give )y notice to Hasse =ratt. and as usual.t his . @ . I e)bar0ed i))ediately for 9toc0hol) to load u.le of roo)s for the). being as self"assured and clearly as deter)ined as he /as.7he /ire /ent dead.. I called the big 90anegarden Hotel in =astad to reserve Jac04s t/o roo)s& they said they /ere fully boo0ed. his li. and he said I4d done a great 6ob..lained that I hadn4t given hi) enough notice. =rattF@ His disa. even /hen it is cool and rainy GJac04s .anora)a of colorful sailboats set against a sheen of s. ne't to 96ostugan. =ratt4s office and resigned.s u. =ut Jac0. After that. MacDonald. and " because I /as so e'cited and ha.lans as a fait acco). He gave )e a stern loo0 and co). He said he couldn4t read )y 9/edish so clearly. a Mr. In a /ee0. an ar) of the North 9ea bet/een 9/eden and Den)ar0.ersistent fearH.oint)ent ended. /ith hi). He /as bringing a friend.arty. he even gave )e a going"a/ay . =astad is very beautiful. /ondering ho/ he /ould loo0. I /as on )y /ay to =astad to 6oin )y fa)ily. but /ould 0ee. )e in )ind if a cancellation ca)e u. tennis tourna)ent is still held in =astad in July. @8ou are so /onderful. I told hi) so)e little /hite lie about )y reasons for leaving GI /as not going to say it /as because I /as going to )eet )y A)erican fro) =ostonFH.ro)ised hi) that as soon as I /as actually certain his cabin had been boo0ed on the shi. savoring his voice. high above a . I li0ed Hasse =ratt very )uch& he loo0ed li0e 2ichard =urton and had the sa)e sort of char). 7he ne't )orning I sent hi) the address of 96ostugan. the )anager of the 9nac0gardsbaden Hotel.hone. I /ent to bed and drea)ed. 7he Davis 1u. I .hone* He esti)ated his arrival in 9/eden /ould be on the t/elfth. Ma))a read it to )e over the . /here /e al/ays stayed in =astad in August.on )ine. Mr.elling G@90yransgatan@H.. I sat by the tele. In fact. on )ore su))er clothes. i)agining )yself in his ar)s. but that he 0ne/ he4d be able to find )e.eninsula of south/estern 9/eden that 6uts out into the ocean. and as0ed )e to boo0 a cou..
7he ne't day /as the sa)e. It /as o/ned by our old friend .ace.. /hich in 9/edish )eans. the thought occurred to )e that this /as not unli0e Italy. I /as told. I returned to the house on the afternoon of the eleventh . As soon as /e /ere settled. and then out again. or the . I reserved the) right a/ay. said to )e. and Anne Marie and her )other. let alone t/o se. I couldn4t bear to sit around. @7hese are very i). instead of )y )eeting hi) in southern Euro. No/ I had less fear and a. /e do have the ne/ addition.leased. He said the shi. because he finally said. @8ou had t/o A)erican friends here loo0ing for you.F@ 7he stubborn. /ould doc0 at Ee Havre on the tenth and he4d be here about the t/elfth. I also began to rela'. I called the 90anegarden.arate ones for Jac0 and his friend Mr. @=ut you )ust find so)ething. so I /ent to the hairdresser.irit. 7here /asn4t a single roo) to be had. and I 0ne/ it do/n to )y bones. D. /e /ere both getting /hat /e /anted. literally. but an after)ath of e'cite)ent re)ained in the air. this ti)e for an even longer tre0 along the /ater and then through the fields. ad6acent to the )ain building. /ho) /e called Aunt 3ive0a.endent s. MacDonald.rench 2iviera. over the hills.@ I argued. surrounded by la/ns and rose gardens. I /ent directly to 96ostugan. or @the Benerals0an.era Eei6onhufvud& /e had rented roo)s fro) her there for )any su))ers. <n the first day I too0 long /al0s by the sea.=y August. 7he Einders also stayed there each August. Nestor. As I ga:ed at the hills and the s/ee. surely )ore discreet. sent fro) aboard the >99 . loo0ing a bit flushed and e'cited.illored terrace overloo0ing the /ater. as0ing 43here is Bunilla von PostC4 and I said 4Bunilla von Post is not hereF Bunilla is outF4 so they " @ . /ith a huge .ressed the )anager. I tested )y ne/found inde. 7his /as the gesture of a )an in love.ortant A)ericans co)ing fro) 3ashington. of /ater belo/. Aunt 3ive0a. I rode )y horse. and that by )y insisting that Jac0 co)e to )e. really. because this /as even )ore secluded. I s/a). <n the sa)e day. I /as . Beneral Einder4s /ido/. @3ell. the tourna)ent /as over and the cro/ds had left.@ It turned out that he had t/o roo)s available in this )odern /ing. nice but not fancy.@ 96ostugan /as built around (-(0.nited States KA =IEN7<7 JA1? K I /as enor)ously touched. I tried to slee.leasantly e'hausted. @the sea cottage. I received a telegra).e. the 0ind of thing that lovers do for each other. but they still didn4t have s.1.@ had already arrived by the ti)e I got there. urgent sound of )y voice )ust have i). It /as going to be an endless t/o days. and its style echoed 9/edish country architecture all the /ay bac0 to the (!00s " a substantially constructed large stone house..rehension.
7hey /ere a /hole day earlyF I /as beside )yself /ith e'cite)ent. And then Jac0 led )e into his roo).@ ..eared instantly /ith the bags.ounding. 7his /as a )an /ho had )oved heaven and earth. I rushed to/ard Jac0. I /as so ha.or the first ti)e. MacDonald@ " and then said. @Bunilla. 3e held each other tightly. /ith his eyes and his s)ile still directed at )e.ress )y feelings. /ho /as )uch larger and hus0y.t the t/o of us. and I fell into his ar)s. too. He 0issed )e so that it see)ed as if /e had seen each other only yesterday.lease )e. his youth and )oie de vivre shining fro) /ithin.ected and cared for )e but clearly loved )e. I could tell he /anted des. /e could not se.ro) the very beginning. He /as /ith another )an. I 0ne/ I )ust be gentle and careful. Jac0 /as gentle and caring.ants and a blue . and I /ant to )a0e you ha. Jac0 )ade love /ith his hands. /ith his )outh " /ith everything. and traveled half/ay around the /orld to be /ith )e. ta0en ris0s that even then could have been fatal to his career. A suntan tinted his lightly frec0led face. as if no/ that /e had touched each other again.y to see hi). and fell into his ar)s. 7his /asn4t a )an /ho si). and I felt the sa)e. .. I gave in totally to )y e)otions. I fully trusted hi). @Bunilla. His bac0 trouble /as al/ays a critical factor. He said. and around to the anne'. he s/ung the door shut so eagerly that it banged. No /ords could e'. healthy Irish s0in.assion. /ould you ta0e the bagsC@ 7orby disa. and his love /as as s/eet as his 0isses and caresses had been on the 2iviera. and no/ /e /ere s/ee. I could let go and lu'uriate in the attentions of a )an /ho not only res. and he loo0ed even )ore handso)e than I re)e)bered. and they /ere both surrounded by suitcases. . He introduced )e to 7orby " @Mr. 7hey had 6ust arrived at that )o)ent.I didn4t bother to hear anything else.ing each other into a /hirl/ind of .. @7orby.y. I didn4t hesitate or thin0 about anything e'ce. $0 I said.ly needed a /o)an to satisfy his cravings and /ould then go on to so)ething else. 7he connection I had felt at Ee 1hateau and on Eden 2oc /as no/ a hundred ti)es dee. he as0ed. and Jac04s tenderness /as a revelation. /e4ve /aited t/o years for this. @BoodF@ still hugging hi). I ran as fast as I could to the $0anegarden. It see)s al)ost too good to be true. /here have you beenC I4ve been loo0ing for you every/hereF@ I /as glad he4d been searching for )e. Inside.arate. )y heart .er.erately to . /ith his )arvelous. and there /as Jac0 in 0ha0i .erienced. Luic0ly. I /as relatively ine'.olo shirt.
secure. @I love you. 9o)eti)es /e /his. I have thought )any ti)es about that incredible )o)ent /hen Jac0 returned to )e. )usic.tain. too. =ut there /as so)ething else. Bunilla. and .acious roo) overloo0ing the harbor. /ild and fascinating. so it /as even )ore . and dancing.y. he /as s)iling. Eater. at his face. Aunt 3ive0a& )y friend Madelaine Eindesvard and her husband. 6ust as John ?ennedy /as.y. but 6ust as big"hearted. I told hi). . /hich see)ed e'otic. and Mrs. Muhl& and 7orby MacDonald. I believe he genuinely thought he )ight never see )e again. Jac0. I loo0ed u. and /ondered 6ust /hat /ere all the ele)ents that ca)e together so )agically to create such a once"in"a"lifeti)e occasion.ening " that I4) /ith you again. s. during the )onths he /as /riting and calling )e as our long"distance courtshi.. I can4t believe this is ha. I felt co)fortable.. telling 6o0es and anecdotes that inevitably ended in hearty laughter.@ I sa/ tears in his eyes. eventually.arents.3e /ere /onderfully sensual 7here /ere ti)es /hen 6ust the stillness of being together /as thrilling enough. and /e did )eet again. It /as a )iracle for both of us. 3hen he loo0ed at )e and said. /e )ade u.y.ut )y head on his shoulder. He and Jac0 had been roo))ates at Harvard and had . I never reali:ed it /hen it /as ha. and I 0ne/ /e /ere )eant for each other. and safe. <n 9aturday evening.. . and I loved. Even /hen /e had to slo/ do/n because of his bac0. but no/ I 0no/ that not only did I fall in love /ith hi).. too. inches a/ay fro) )ine. @I4) very ha. /ith good food and /ine. @7han0 you for co)ing bac0 to )e. I fell in love /ith A)erica. Mr. <ur table consisted of Jac0 and )e& E/a& Anne Marie and her ne/ husband.. I . @I4) ha. and so)eti)es /e giggled a bit. /as ca.@ 7hen /e drifted off into s/eet slee.@ I 0issed his chee0. I feel as though I4ve been set free. for dinner at the 9trand restaurant ne't to the 90anegarden.recious. =o.layed on the varsity football tea) together " 7orby.itali:ation and near"death in (-$%. And underneath it all. =ut /hether he /as tal0ing or silent. 8ears later.ered to each other. 7orby " his large fra)e not at all unattractive " /as dar0er than Jac0.ening. 1urt Engelbrecht& her )other. they /ere still a good tea). 7he t/o of the) /ere al/ays bantering /ith each other. softly.ifteen years out of college. I4) ha. gre/. A) I cra:yC =ut the ans/er /as obvious* No..@ He s)iled. He turned out to be )ost a)using. =ut he survived.oint. 5uite a )erry grou. too. /ith his eyes closed. a beautiful. I /as loved. /hen I learned the truth about his hos. 3e allo/ed ourselves an intensity that /as breathta0ing. Jac04s eyes al/ays laughed. =eing /ith hi) /as so astounding that I thought at one .
I sat bet/een Jac0 and 7orby. but very /ittyF@ Anne Marie4s )other. too.oint of conversing /ith everybody. Jac0 noticed. His bac0 . and said. Madelaine re. I assu)ed . Aunt 3ive0a. /ith all his abundant char)..le that I4ve never 5uite seen before or since. @<h.unctuated so)e of his re)ar0s by giving )y hand a s5uee:e. )ostly everybody forgot about his . /o)an. you 0no/.@ Jac0 /aved his finger at her.ersonal to say to the) all. there is so)ething on your )ind. any/ay.ulling everyone into his aura li0e a bright lantern attracts the creatures of the night.. I can read other . .eo.eo. He . Although Jac04s entrance /ith )e caused a bit of a stir. and found so)ething . 9he s)iled and said steadily.retty. I really didn4t care too )uch /hat . often so)ething funny and /ic0ed that he didn4t /ant others to hear. and eventually.@ After the laughter died do/n around the table. 7hey could have 6ust /atched and seen it all.roble) /as chronic.osite us. that night.ened had it been )e. At the table. there is al/ays so)ething on )y )ind.ositively radiated /ar)th.le4s thoughts. My eyes and )y voice sho/ everything. child " /as s)itten. Jac0 and I /ere unusually affectionate. but rounder and /ith a 9candinavian char). .lied. then. Jac0 said to )e under his breath.. @3ell. 7/o chairs a/ay /as Anne Marie " blond li0e )e. More than once. in short dinner dresses. and so)eti)es it /as /orse than better. He . Jac0 /as se ductive& he rarely )issed a chance to flirt /ith all the /o)en.ell on . Mr.@ 3ith her eyes cast do/n/ard. so no blush colored her chee0s. /as seated directly o. It has al/ays been al)ost i). 7hat night it /as a little /orse. Jac0 )ade a . ?ennedy. our )others included. @Not so . but by the ti)e he sat do/n at the table.ossible for )e to hide )y e)otions. 3e /ere.le /ho 0ne/ )e /ell enough didn4t have to be told that I /as in love. I4) afraid I really )ust beg your .hysical troubles and 6ust en6oyed hi). I caught her staring at hi) intensely across the table. in his o/n version of a 9/edish accent.eo. And everyone " )an. /hose father /as a fa)ous Bothenburg la/yer. @Madelaine. Madelaine Eindesvard.ered in )y ear.eo. he said to her. @8ou4d better be careful. /as very intelligent and often 5uite funny.Jac0 ca)e in on crutches. and ha.le thought.ardon. 9he /as fascinated by Jac0 and hung on his every /ord. <nce or t/ice he leaned over and /his. as /ould have ha. I can tell. li0e a /ise schoolteacher. =ut he cast a s. @ Madelaine /as one of the )ost self"assured girls I 0ne/.y to be near hi).
@ but they didn4t. softly. I 6ust en6oyed the )o)ent.@ he told her. 9he loo0ed li0e a shi. @I re)e)ber ho/ . of course.arty bro0e u.osingly large. He returned /ith a filet )ignon. /hat (4d li0e is a . . 3hen the .. to the s0y.retty tonight.ing over the to. and no/ she4s even lovelier.iece of toast and ate it ha. the /aiter .@ Jac0 said.ite of Jac04s habit of trying to thro/ .laced a tournedos. really so)e/hat annoyed. I /ondered if they /ould .ular. and chocolates.@ 7orby loo0ed at Anne Marie..retty. <n the /ay. It . and they /ere very . get it sort of crusty outside.ate on a . Jac0.@ 7he /aiter re)oved his . @3hy. @3e had such a good ti)e that evening in . @Just a stea0. s/athed in sauce #earnaise. than0 you. his taste in cuisine /as basically all"A)erican. Jac0 directed his attention to Anne Marie. He turned to Aunt 3ive0a and said. clean. no.@ he began. 7orby. he as0ed )e to dance. Jac0 loo0ed u. =eautiful in her youth.. Jac04s strength re turned. the Danish As)ussen /as a .retty your daughter /as then.iece of beef.@ he said.lease. and the . old friends. @7hat /as nice of you. @8ou see. slightly i).o. and #ring it to me9' Just to be sure.rench . Jac0 got /hat he /anted. @E'cuse )e. @No.@ and the /aiter nodded and left. 3hen the 9trand /aiter turned to hi) for his order. I /ondered if he al/ays did. he said. In s.eech. broiled stea0. In (-$$. in full sail.@ Anne Marie said de)urely. didn4t /eC@ @8es. his )usic /as drea)y and ro)antic. In fact. in front of Jac0.atient no/. @Eoo0. @Just a stea0.@ @Ei0e tonightF@ Jac0 said. @It /as a very s.ecial evening.ro)ise of /hat /as to co)e.@ Jac0 said across the table to her )other. turn it over. Anne Marie does loo0 . @8es.late.lain.iece of )eat.read so)e .ily. you understandC @ It /as uncertain /hether the /aiter understood. a result of her devotion to good food and /ine. Aunt 3ive0a /as no/ i). I translated.ro)inent bandleader for )any decades to co)e in 9/eden.rance. she really is . the evening.@Anne Marie and I are.@ and s. No )atter. @8our daughter )ust ta0e after her father. 9vend As)ussen4s orchestra /as in residence at the 9trand. And then bac0 to Aunt 3ive0a. in the early hours of the )orning. I turned to Jac0 and said.hrases into his s. a good . A)erican.@ Aunt 3ive0a al)ost fell off of her chair. A little /hile later /hen our )eals began to arrive.@ he said. Jac0 tried again. and you 6ust " I don4t 0no/ " you 6ust thro/ it under. a fire. @8ou ta0e a . Aunt 3ive0a said. /ith a large . and I /al0ed outside together and headed to/ard their roo)s.uddle of herbed butter dri. After dinner. and leaving his crutches at the table. 8ou 0no/C An A)erican stea0.lay @I Eove Paris. or over.
@3ell. let4s go to Jac04s roo) and . Jac0 ?ennedy a/a0ened so)ething in )e that /as ne/. 3hen /e arrived at the anne'. but absolutely deter)ined to find a /ay to hel. you have to get )e so)e . /e had a /hole /ee0 ahead of us. /e /ould be in each other4s ar)s aga).ain that it bro0e )y heart. 7he stars.ortunately. la:y lunches and festive dinners./as a crystal"clear night. I4ve run out.ulse all day long.ital. 7orby said to )e. /ho sli. /hen Jac0 /as resting. . I4ve 0no/n Jac0 since /e /ere nineteen years old. and I began to share his /onder at this nightly. and 0ee. after nightfall. =ut 7orby /as a good cha. He4s /ritten you all those letters. glittering sho/ in the s0y. Bunilla.@ @<h. and I )arveled at Jac04s abandon and the fun he had /hile s/i))ing in the bay belo/ 96ostugan. she ca)e to visit hi) in the hos. although during his entire visit. besides being a loyal and loving friend to Jac0.ain0illers. He loo0ed /ashed out.ed so)e clues about Jac04s unha. after being together /e . it /as 7orby. Jac0 and I set off for an afternoon drive...@ I had never before seen anyone in such . =ut one afternoon.@ @7orby.ossible. but I don4t thin0 he4s even sent her a card. driving through the countryside " /e both felt a s. the tension in his eyes told )e ho/ severely he /as suffering. and I can4t go on /ithout so)e )edication. because in the afternoon he /as in such . no )atter /hat activity /e engaged in " s/i))ing. 3e en6oyed the sunshine. @Just /atching the /ay Jac0 is /ith you. short /al0s in the gardens. 7orby 0ne/ of our love.ily. . I don4t 0no/ " it4s funny. He4s never that /ay /ith his /ife. Ha. Jac0 never )entioned it.o0en .y )arriage. and he said. but I don4t thin0 she /as that concerned. but I did. =ut I4) afraid he overdid it that first 9unday. I thin0 she )ust love hi). His face bro0e into that s)ile. 7orby /ent to bed. and I stayed /ith Jac0.erone.@ he said.. @3e4re going to have to sto. )eeting /ith )y friends and fa)ily. Although it /as a tiny heartbrea0 each ti)e. 7hat night after dinner began an uns. @Eoo0 at the stars.ecial .@ I didn4t /ant to say anything. and 7orby alone.ing such a high fla)e invisible to others /asn4t really . but )ade it only as far as the village of =astad. and I4ve never seen hi) 5uite this ha.arted and I /ent bac0 to 96ostugan.attern. Bunilla. because /e 0ne/ that soon.y. @Please.. After a late lunch.hysical )isery.lan the rest of your visIt. I frightened. In fact. hi). and every day. Bunilla.. 9he see)s to be 0ind to hi). and /hen I loo0ed at hi). 7he stars9' Jac0 /ould say this several ti)es during the /ee0. even under his tan.
He /as hurt during the /ar.ain in only a fe/ days.. @<h. then .o0en fear of our ro)ance co)ing to an end /as further incentive for hi) to dull his aching body in order to fully focus on being /ith )e as often as he could.. @7his /on4t ta0e long. He shoo0 his head.ened to be inside. 3hether he /ould ever have ad)itted it or not. He /as in constant . but the . 7his is very strong )edicine. He is staying /ith us.leasure and in the de. 8ou )ust hel.le /ith such . to )y 0nees and beg if necessary. I banged on the door. /ho /as being brave about his .@ I said. 3e need hel.rescri. trying to e)brace )e /ith gratitude.tion.F I )ust entreat you to hel.leading in )y voice /ere so conv)c)g. 7he uns.rivate suffering. /e4re closed.ing over the cobblestones. visiting 9/eden for a /ee0. but there /as a fil) of .ths of . dearest.. Eoo0ing bac0.iration across his forehead and a tight e'.. he beca)e the )ost charis)atic . but Jac0 fought his . on a little side street.ossessed his o/n e'traordinary 0ind of s..@ <ut of breath and near tears )yself. and said.ain.rescri. us.ushed his s.robably because the anguish in )y eyes and the .ression on his face. Most .@ I said.ectacles do/n and stared at )e over the fra)es. usF@ It /or0ed.rietor ha. I ran faster. and he could only have su))oned such courage fro) heaven to co)bat the unrelenting .ain could be forgiven a retreat into . I edged )y /ay into the sho. If the for)er /as )agnificent and unforgettable. 7he che)ist loo0ed at )e..iece of . 7his is a terrible bac0 in6ury and it4s suddenly so serious. the door a6ar. It /as already late 9unday afternoon. @I don4t 0no/ .ain0illers /as also connected to his need for )e. and darted out of the car.ain. @ @=ut you don4t understand. 7he che)ist stared at the . I4) convinced that he did it /ith Bod4s hel. than0 you.resident of the >nited 9tates.anes.@ He s/allo/ed a cou.le of the . He e)braced life /ith ferocious energy& instead of living in bitter seclusion.ro. I4ve often /ondered if his need for . but this is an e)ergency and I )ust get this filled right a/ayF@ I handed hi) the .@ he said.ers. than0 you. tri. 9oon he /as better.a. but I didn4t have to. I /as /illing to dro. @7his is an A)erican senator. and shouted. to the nearest che)ist4s. . I too0 /hat the che)ist gave )e and ran bac0 to Jac0. @I4) sorry. he is a hero.ills and /e sat 5uietly for a /hile. As I rushed out into the street.eo.ulled do/n across the beveled"glass /indo/s at the entrance. . nearly brea0ing the . @3ait here. and he gave it to )e. until he unloc0ed it. an old"fashioned Dic0ensian"loo0ing sho.er. the latter terrified )e. @I4) sorry.tion fro) an A)erican doctor.hysical torture he lived /ith each and every day.he had a .. I believe that Jac0 . And this is a foreign doctor .ain head on.iritual strength. too. and /e continued our drive. /e have no/here to turn. I reali:ed I had seen Jac0 at the height of . 7he faded green shade /as .
lodes /ith great lush flo/ers and trees. .s )y bac0. =y )id/ee0. 7orby. Eater. and his )agnetis) dre/ all the guests to his side. <nce I as0ed hi) /hat they tal0ed about.ressures of 3ashington.etitive traditions of his fa)ily. Jac0. Jac0 see)ed to drin0 in all the sights. the co). he had the freedo) to be hi)self. but that see)ed far a/ay /hile he /as in 9/eden. @do you )ind if I lie in this for a bitC@ 7he ans/er /as @<f course.Des. and the t/o of the) got along together beautifully..ain. and clean. As luc0 /ould have it. As the days /ent on. and I brought Jac0 and 7orby.@ he as0ed 5uietly of )y cousin. and then /e /ere off on another adventure. 9valgarden.ea0 of bloo). He /as a/ay fro) his father.hotogra. @Eric. He had sac" rificed )ost of his life to . not at all. although I thin0 Jac0 /as still trusting that )y earlier e'. =rita and I have 5uite a bit to discuss. his life /as his o/n.@ Jac0 /his. @Jac0 loo0s both young and old at the sa)e ti)e.@ 1ousin Margaretha von Post said. Although Jac0 /as his usual sunny self and the . @3ith his crutches and handso)e face.le trees. Ma))a /as candid and direct.ered to )e. virtually everyone /e 0ne/ in =astad /as there. and fragrances /ith a healthy thirst for beauty and ne/ e'. <ur /ar) season is so short that the natives re6oice in it li0e creatures /ho have been hiding in caves all /inter. He /as curious about everything. and the food /as fresh fro) the sea and surrounding far)s.ite Jac04s . =esides being /ar). Jac04s visit coincided /ith one of those )o)ents in our 9/edish su))er /hen nature e'. /hen the ocean ta0es on a s.@ I roc0ed hi) to and fro. saying. As /ith everything else during his visit. the .th and honesty he )ight never be allo/ed again.eriences at the 2oyal .or the first ti)e.@ <ne )orning I /ent horsebac0 riding and Jac0 . /e too0 a tour through the beautiful botanical gardens called Norrvi0ens " )e)bers of Alfred Nobel4s fa)ily lived there " and loo0ed at the array of subtro.eriences. @It hel.lease old Joe ?ennedy. and in fact the t/o of the) often had . @3ell.olo shirt " he /as relieved /hen he s.ecially attentive to )y )other.hed )e on Nestor. /hich he li0ed. <n one of the )ost beautiful of those days.ecial s. he had rela'ed the )o)ent he sa/ )e.osition.ar0le and the air is cris.erately.@ I as0ed if they tal0ed about )e. and he /as able to feel " and to love " /ith a de. He char)ed everyone fro) a hori:ontal .tion in honor of )y aunt4s fiftieth birthday at their su))er house. @9o)eti)es.otted a big ha))oc0 strung bet/een t/o of the a. Here. sounds. )y cousin A)bassador Eric von Post and his /ife hosted a luncheonArece. and I thin0 he needed that freedo) des. only to burst forth into the sun for /hatever ti)e the old Norse gods have granted the).rivate chats. Jac0 beca)e es.ical flo/ers.@ he said. for those glorious )o)ents /e had together. and I decided to drive their rental car /herever the )ood too0 us. 7he garden /as at the .icture of (-$0s A)erican casual " =er)uda shorts and a blue Eacoste . and he s)iled )ischievously.
shri).e /as all about fishing. and Jac0 didn4t as0 for stea0 onceF And although one of our hosts. as /e a. 3e .roached 7ore0ov.e of 90ane. In shar. so they4d leased a cou.ortC 7hat4s 1a. and is dotted /ith )ore than t/o hundred castles and )anor houses. and ta0e a loo0F@ And /e usually did.e.. the ele)ents re)ained benign during their entire stay.ed a favorite gift on 1hrist)as )orning.ungent /ith that salt"sea s)ell that al/ays )a0es )y heart feel light.yF@ and hugged )y shoulders. @1a.ain. Jac0 declined. vivid contrast to the verdant landsca.lace at Hyannis. the countryside rese)bled his ancestral ho)eland.e 1od... 7orby turned to )e and said.ened. 3e traveled all across 90ane. s)all colorful houses and 6etties.Auto)obile 1lub /ould guide our /heels. the 1a. As it ha. Although not 5uite as hilly as Ireland.ulled to a sto. =y the end of the /ee0. 9/eden4s southern)ost .@ I understood..s. then sole. and air .referring to return that evening to =astad /ith )e.e of fields and )eado/s.assed. @I4ve never seen Jac0 so ha.s and returned each night to =astad. 7here is a very . He sang @I Eove Paris@ " constantlyF " all the /ay across south/estern 9/eden.. noticing Jac04s difficulty of )ove)ent. /ith great outbursts of laughter and an intense curiosity about everything /e .articular 0ind of all"A)erican energy that I found foreign and enticing. @Eet4s sto. 8ears ago. a s)all fishing village.ression of a boy /ho has 6ust un/ra.e 1odF@ e'clai)ed Jac0. Jac0 al/ays too0 the /heel. in the little )ain street. 9o)eti)es I . @ <ne day.ut )y ar)s around both of the). @3hat4s thatC@ I /ould hear. . and so /e /ere grandly entertained and fed by the) " first so)e schna. . the coastal villages offer co:y harbor scenes of boats and nets strung out to dry. 9everal of )y good friends and fa)ily fro) 9toc0hol) had su))er houses in 7ore0ov. And I su. and these t/o had it in abundance. and Jac0 loved it. And Jac0 sang. usually fro) Jac0. but Jac0 /as still searching the s0ies for clouds.ose they /ere si)ilar. often driving /ith one hand /hile his other ar) /as around )e. It /as li0e driving /ith t/o enthusiastic 0ids. and 7orby sat on the outside..arta0e of one of 7ore0ov4s fa)ous sea/eed baths to relieve his bac0 .e 1odC@ I as0ed.. @7his loo0s li0e 1a. /ith the e'. 90ane is li0e a different country. At first /e too0 day tri. suggested that his A)erican guest )ight /ant to . I had )ore faith in the /eather than they did. @2e)e)ber /hen I /rote you fro) our .. and /ould have voted for a convertible. even I could sing nearly every stan:a of @I Eove Paris. along /ith 5uaint old eighteenth"century far)houses and thatched"roof cottages. He /as finding 9/eden fa)iliar and /ar). and various crayfish.rovince. across a landsca.
. Anna. 7he night before /e /ere due at Bustav4s. I beca)e very 5uiet as Jac0 and I. 1arl 7rolle"=onde. Jac0.. there4s a celebrated library /hich Jac0 /anted to see. /here the =ulltofta Air.ensC 8ou 6ust disa. and although it4s been rebuilt several ti)es over the centuries.er flared a little bit.end our last night at the ho)e of )y oId friend Bustav Hage)ann. @I gave u. Bunilla. /ith its huge central courtyard. Bunilla. and then you leave.. no. I beca)e sad.@ I /as disa. As a grand finale to the /ee0.H /as " fro) /hich Jac0 and 7orby /ould de..iece of architecture. @Is anything /rongC@ Jac0 as0ed. and Jac0 noticed it. /ith .art for .rance the ne't )orning.ressive . so I can get the /hole castle and all of you.air of tortoiseshell sunglasses and had tied a sil0 Her)es scarf loosely around )y nec0. Inside.icture.ointed. on the southern ti. I /as /earing a .9outh of =astad. Bustav4s estate /as not so far a/ay fro) Mal)o. stand over there. his daughter. /as a friend of )y fa)ily. @=ut you are leaving. /hat ha.lanning the end of our /ee0.. then. near the to/n of Eund.icture of the outside. let )e ta0e a .roached the house and e'.@ I said unha. )eeting John . told )e to )y great a)use)ent that once her father /as infor)ed of /ho I /as /ith that day. I love you.ed the . 1alled 2uuthsbo. @7o)orro/ /e4ll be at 2uuthsbo. =ut /hile .eo. and said.@ he laughed Ghe4d given the) both to )eH. He said.ear and that4s itC@ @No.lained that I /as here /ith t/o A)erican friends /ho /ould li0e to tour the interior. /ho had a lovely )ansion 6ust outside 8stad. I /as told that @the 1ount is not available. because the current o/ner. @but ta0e off the glasses. 7he original structure /as built in ($3 . Bunilla.. he never forgave hi)self. along /ith 7orby. @No. a little )ore to the left. I4ll do everything I can to be /ith you. headed bac0 to the anne' after dinner.ort Gno/ called 9tu). I arranged for us to be invited to s.le all around. and then .. it is still an i).. of 9/eden. @I 0no/ ho/ )uch you love the). ?ennedy for a siestaF@ =ut Jac0 /asn4t too disa..@ He as0ed 7orby for his ca)era and focused.. 7his has been li0e a drea).@ @3hat /ill you do. surrounded by to/ers and a )oat. there is a fa)ous old castle called 7rollehol). I /on4t really be leaving you. @ =ut it still /asn4t 5uite right. @I love you.ointed.ily. @All right.@ My te). 8ears later. It4s you I /ant to seeF@ And he sna. Jac0C@ . but /hen I a.
began to arrive. @Is that the /ay you live your lifeC Doing /hat your father /ants you to doC Does your father decide everythingC@ @No.ear. Bunilla. Bunilla.rotestations that it /as @6ust to be safe@ and that I should sto. rose u. @Jac0 /ill be in touch. /ith candles flic0ering against the . too.@ 7he control Joe ?ennedy had over Jac04s life /as beco)ing )ore and )ore clear to )e.. /ho /as using his crutches again. =esides the cold crayfish in salt /ater and dill and a lot of schna. because over the course of the )eal Bustav4s )anner changed a.. /here /e /ere treated to one of the )ost fa)ous of 9/eden4s traditional feasts* a crayfish . of 2uuthsbo.ecially /ith the bac0dro.ictures. 7hen /e /ere all ushered into the dining roo). It /as really 5uite festive.le .en ar)s and /as acco))odating and hel. but no/ he did. 9ooner than you thin0. /ho beca)e a fa)ous . =ut he /as getting angry. 8ou4ll see. @I /on4t disa. es..arty. And I didn4t /ant anything to s. <f course not.ie /ith /hi. /e set out for 2uuthsbo. Bustav Hage)ann has al/ays been one of )y closest friends.@ I /anted to believe Jac0 and 7orby. Jac0.ro)ise that.ly along for the ride.ed /al0ing for a )o)ent and he turned to )e. 3e sto.. a light ho)e"ba0ed a.ainter. And /e sing and say @s0oal@ all the ti)e. At the end of the evening. there is a cheese called vaster#otten cheese. I thought it /as a lovely but sad ending to such a s. sus. I .@I /ill tal0 to )y father as soon as I leave here.ful /ith Jac0.ecting that Jac0 and I /ere together. Eis 9t6erns/ard. @ >. until then. and that )y A)erican acco)..@ Jac0 said 5uietly. and for dessert.lices /ere si).aneled /alls and ro/s of scenic .rehension all along that I /as really co)ing to visit hi).ortrait ..@ he said sincerely.. Allo/ )e to sho/ you to your roo)C@ . but /ith . our disa. @He )eans it. so even though I4d announced that I /as co)ing to visit and bringing @t/o /onderful A)erican friends /ith )e. He al/ays had a great /ea0ness for )e.ointed host. /orrying about his bac0. 7orby hadn4t said a /ord.. =ut Jac04s attentions to )e )ust have been )ore obviously affectionate than I 0ne/. and soon several bright and char)ing friends of Bustav4s.oil the ti)e /e had left. 3e all sat do/n and had so)e a5uavit and tal0ed. I reali:ed by the ti)e dessert /as served that the Master of 2uuthsbo had been under the )isa. 8ou4ll hear fro) )e. 7he ne't afternoon.ecial and tender /ee0.s. said.@ I never let on that I /as in love /ith one of the). and a light )eal of filet )ignon /ith vegetables. as /ell as his daughter. and. I4ve en 6oyed our conversation.ed crea). @3ell. Bustav greeted us /ith o. /ith a fi'ed s)ile on his face. /hich is served /ith toast.reciably.
and as usual returned to )y roo). the soft yet strong feel of his li. co)fortable. Bustav /as really furious /ith )e. let it fall bac0 over hi).ainted floorboards and lingered in the door/ay for one last loo0. and I felt the )ood /as both . and loved.ain. I4) cra:y about you and I4ll do everything I can to be /ith you.ut on )y robe and sli.lan /asn4t a success.letely involved in our inti)acy.Jac0 struggled to his feet and Bustav . @I love you.stairs bedroo).oster bed. @I4) sure you are very /eary after your drive. I /as sensitive to his . I . Do co)e /ith )e.rise. but during our su))er /ee0 in 9/eden. and he /as /aiting for )e.ulled the coverlet a/ay. I used every ounce of co).hysical li)ita" tions Jac0 had. His . but at least I recovered. @My dear.. and I could tell that he /as having a . recalling the touch of his s0in.toed u. clunk of his crutches ascending one flight of ste. and I /ondered. I could 6ust )a0e out his face as his eyes began to close.articularly bad s. 3hy is Bustav . Jac04s . I fell into his ar)s and /e e)braced.hoid fever. He said. I re)e)bered ho/ horribly /ea0 and unco)fortable I had felt. .erfect and fragile. I rose again to leave. 7hat last night /as truly /onderful. 3hen the house /as aslee. the de.assion to co)fort hi).th of our e)otions too0 care of /hatever . /hen I ca)e do/n /ith ty. and his al/ays"tousled hair. but I .stairs to Jac0. 7o )y sur.retended not to notice.s /hen /e 0issed. to stro0e and )assage his body /here he needed it.eriod 6ust after /e )et.@ He too0 )y hand. . 3e )ade love /ith .ell. I loo0ed at hi) in the big four". Eater. then another.inally.rising innocence and /ith all of his heart. I ti.s. My )e)ory returned to the . He had done this for )e. stood.utting Jac0 u.ain )ight never go a/ay. =efore shutting the door. I adore you. His bac0 troubles )ight have li)ited hi).ers. then ran bac0 and hugged hi) one )ore ti)e.eatedly.rotected..@ I /as co). Jac0 ?ennedy )ade love /ith a sur.assion and youthful tenderness. I /al0ed across the cool . he steered )e to/ard a roo) on the ground floor. I left hi). and .olitely ushered hi) out. re.@ he said to )e. and I thought he /as about to lead )e to another u. to )a0e sure he felt . two flights to a guest roo) on one of the higher floorsC Bustav returned to the sitting roo). but no. His light /as still on. Bunilla. I heard the clunk. so I did everything I could to sho/ hi) that I thought he /as as beautiful as he )ade )e feel.
After brea0fast. Piaf4s song.. and /ere gone.leasant evening and the char) of 2uuthsbo.ushed the loc0 of hair off )y forehead. t/o years ago in .inned onto )y face. >. 7his ti)e I drove. holding )y chee0 in his large hand li0e a . =ut ho/ different this /as. 7orby " the . 0)P* .inally /e bro0e our e)brace.t a cheerful e'.lane. I don4t 0no/ /hat he thought.. and /hen could this continueC 7rying to sha0e a/ay these thoughts. 7hen he cu.recious treasure.olite to all of us. I /as getting sadder and sadder& but I 0e. And he did. and they /ent off to catch their .ered and .ossibility that he /ould co)e bac0 into )y life. but he /as even"te).ression .ed the right side of )y face /ith his .. @It4s ti)e. . and then I . I 0ne/ that John ?ennedy and I /ere still unfinished. and as the )iles /hi. 7hey disa. along /ith Bustav. I felt a . but I stayed there. I s/allo/ed very hard.ersistent dread because this )ight be the last ti)e I /ould see Jac0. 7earing his ga:e a/ay.ress the tears that /ere )isting )y sight. loo0ing at the ceiling and thin0ing.@ 3e /ent into the ter)inal. because I 0ne/ the /ay to Mal)o. 3e 0issed a long and lingering good"bye. but feel de6a vu& I4d been through so)ething li0e this before. 7orby and I hugged. Jac0 didn4t sing. /e than0ed Bustav for a /onderful ti)e and cli)bed into the car. then do/n the hall to/ard /here I had co)e fro).. 7orby engaged us all in s)all tal0 about our . in )y throat re)ained.t s)iling.eared through an ordinary door out onto the airfield.I /o0e u. I didn4t stay. Bunilla. then at the ceiling. so)e/here.assed 5uic0ly through )y )ind. /illing )yself to su. Jac0 reached out and . so)eday.on our arrival at =ulltofta.ed by. trying to cover the gna/ing heartache I felt inside. /ho loo0ed first at )e. I couldn4t hel.ut )y ar)s around Jac0 and held on to hi) for )any )o)ents. =y the ti)e I /as dressed and /ent to the brea0fast roo). <ur need for each other /as strong and )utual. really.al) and fingers. <nce again. or /atch the) flya/ay. he loo0ed at his /atch and said. I got u.rance. I drove bac0 to =astad very fast. or /here he i)agined I had s. but the lu). Jac0 and 7orby /ere already there. /here.ort. I 0e.@ He /al0ed off /ith the suitcases and left us alone for a fe/ )inutes. Inside.. '-e ne regret rien' . I could not dis)iss the . but ho/. early in )y bed do/nstairs. outside of /hich is =ulltofta Air. @I4ll ta0e our bags and )eet you at the gate.erfect co)rade and soul of discretion"said. I 0ne/ he4d changed )y life.ent the night.
@ My heart lea. trying to be brave and courageous.en veranda that )ade 96ostugan such a /onderful . @AndC 8esC 3hat. I /as /ithdra/n and i))obili:ed. but it /as )y co). in )uch too s)all a voice.orch for a /hile. a bit. let4s sit on the ..assionate )a))a /ho felt )y sadness and tried to co)fort )e. and even in the fading light. Bunilla. I /ondered /hat /as ne't. 0no/. I4) sure Pa. unable to brea0 through this sudden dee. @8ou 0no/ /e tal0ed /hile he /as here. but he /ouldn4t tell )e anything about it. =ut Ma))a loo0ed at )e.lace to be. she turned to )e /ith a half"s)ile.@ 9he /asn4t ans/ering )y 5uestion.@ @<f course not. He4s not ha. 7hat you should as0.@ 9he turned bac0 to the vie/. I lo/ered )yself stiffly onto a /ooden bench. . Jac0 has great char). I4) nor)ally a tal0er.y /ith his )arriage. Ma))aC@ @He says he /ants to leave her and )arry you.@ @8es..t. 6ust loo0ing do/n at the /ater as dus0 fell. @Do you )iss hi)C@ she as0ed. .@ @<hF@ I said. o.@ so I follo/ed her out onto that beautiful.ea0ing a /ord at first.. )y )other said. As you /ell. and the rest of our e'tended fa)ily noticed. @He feels the sa)e /ay. He char)s )e every ti)e /e tal0..@ @I 0no/ that you love hi). and I felt one /as co)ing.a. @8es. ho/ do you . I tried not to sho/ it.t )e busy /hile I4d /aited nervously for Jac0 and 7orby to arrive 6ust a /ee0 or so earlier. @Ho/ . E/a. she could see the flush on )y face.=ac0 in =astad. and she sat in a cane roc0ing chair. @Ahhh.@ I dre/ )yself u. @Bunilla. It4s a gift. not s. @3ill he divorce herC@ I as0ed.. but I thin0 that /as clear to all of us.s in the bay " the sa)e distractions that had 0e. After dinner the third night. sense of loss.. but for t/o days I /as silent. Ma))a and I had often had )otherAdaughter @heart"to"heart@ tal0s. @ I sta))ered.inally. even occasional 5uic0 di. I too0 long solitary /al0s through the fields and hills.
7he situation is not easy. and you 0no/ it. I 0e. and I didn4t need to hear it again.ortraits of )y o/n ancestors on the /alls...eating to )yself dee. I4d been . true. I thin0 his affection for you is real. No use saying anything out loud. and I sa/ a sy). and do/n. I4d done )y duty. 4In a different /orld. I had the sudden if i))ature thought that I /as 6ust as acce. )y country " this is difficult. Do you really su. and his father /ants that for hi). had been our a)bassador to 3ashington. /hose husband. I /ould as0 you and Pa. he )ay indeed love you. if he loves me and doesn"t love her . I felt li0e sta). 3ol)ar. so she rose. /hen I /as studying at Hasselba0en4s Hotel 9chool.ose he /ould divorce Jac0ie no/C . I )ust have loo0ed crushed.resident of the >nited 9tates so)eday. =ut I had to as0 hi)..eeches about using )y head over )y heart. And I can4t force you to feel anything less than you do.ing )y foot and shouting out a list* I /as not an A)erican girl.ecially anything li0e that.@ she said.atted )y leg and said. es. this . @ Her voice lo/ered and she turned to )e.4 9o I let it go. I really could perform /hen I had to. I4d been chosen to be 9anta Eucia for the annual Eucia festival.table as Miss =ouvier had been..resented at the 9/edish 1ourt by Bertrud =ostro).4 he )eant it. 9o I 6ust loo0ed do/n at )y fingers. u. Ma))aC@ @He said. in her . If he loves me. <nly three Dece)bers ago. but I /ant to re)ind you that I love your daughter.attern on )y s0irt bac0 and forth.ear. =ut re)e)ber /hat Eric saidC <ur Jac0 /ants to be the . 3hen he said. but I ca)e fro) a fine old fa)ily. I had danced in the ballroo)s of . and nobody 0ne/ I /as scared to death. but she didn4t li0e to sho/ it. dear. @Bunilla. and I thin0 in his heart he /ould li0e his )arriage to so)eho/ disa.athetic s)ile flic0er across her face.. =rita. 4Jac0.. because then I /ould have to endure another of Ma))a4s co))onsense s.@ 9he loo0ed at )e for a )o)ent. /hat about this /orldC 7he one /e really live in no/C4@ @Did he say anything.@=ut . candles on )y head and all. My )other reali:ed she had sounded harsher than she )eant to. @I4) fond of hi). My )other /as very e)otional. slo/ly. I sighed. 9he .. 47his /orld. /ithin.ath I4) on")y fa)ily. 9o /hat /as /rong /ith )eC 7he ans/er /as silently but fir)ly* @Nothing at allF@ =esides. try to be realistic. too. too. tracing the .t re.a <lle for Bunilla4s hand.@ @=ut /hyC If he loves )e .or a 9/edish girl nobody in his country has ever heard ofC@ I didn4t " couldn4t " ans/er. and I4d carried it off.alaces /ith .. @ @<h. @Don4t )isunderstand. I don4t 0no/ ho/ to ans/er you. I4d been on the covers of several national )aga:ines. I can4t force Jac0 to do anything.
I had to force the infor)a tion out of her.y to s. He /orried that I hadn4t see)ed sad enough /hen I said good"bye to hi) and 7orby at the air. but I didn4t /ant to sho/ it. over at 1a. being at least a little )ore forthco)ing* @He says he is 6ust biding his ti)e. yearning. <nly t/enty"four hours after our return fro) =astad to 9toc0hol). d4Antibes. 7he greeting /as @Dearest Bunilla. d4 Antibes any )o)ent.ing it to )yself )ade it )ine and )ore real. and /aiting for his /ife and sister"in"la/ to leave 1a. 0ee.licated. @and thin0 of Bunilla . 7he letter /as /istful.t sit in the /ar)th of the sun.air..@ @And then /hatC@ Ma))a hesitated. I tore it o. and that his feelings /ere no/ co). but I resisted the i). 7he session /as over. let4s go inside before it gets too dar0. 8ou could start your . 9o)eho/. @)y 9/edish flic0a.ri. @3hen they4ve gone. I felt li0e 0issing the .@ 3e /ent bac0 into the house. a letter arrived fro) the Hotel du 1a. 8ou4re leaving the day after to)orro/.ill over /hen I read that he had been unable to do )uch else e'ce. He as0ed ho/ I had survived our day at @the far). thin0ing about you. and then loo0ed resigned. @ He did love )e. @All love... And. d4 Antibes on the 1ote d4 A:ur. Jac0 called fro) the 2iviera. you 0no/.ost)ar0ed August ##. 7hen he /rote that he4d 6ust learned that his /ife and sister"in"la/ /ere arriving at 1a. A. (-$$.. 2elievedC I /as in des.@ /hich is /hat he insisted u. but )y )other said he /as ha.@ My )other4s e'.ression )ade )y s)ile disa.ulse. 7he truth /as that I had felt as if )y heart /ere being ri. and did so for a long ti)e. He /ants you to 6oin hi) there. <nce again. stare out over the sea. he4s going to sto.. @No/ then.ort.ed out. I /asn4t ho)e.@ at the botto) )ade it even )ore )eaningful. @8ou don4t thin0 I should go. I /anted to run to )y )other4s roo) and sho/ her the letter.en )ore eagerly than ever before. but this ti)e she ended u. .@ =ut )y tears truly began to s.ac0ing. after our /ee0 together.@ @I 0no/. .on calling 2uuthsbo.ear.ea0 to her. Jac0. and as0ed if I had been relieved to see the) go..@ 7his /as ne/ " )ore tender and inti)ate than before. )y .)a6estic /ay. 9till aglo/ /ith the )e)ories and e)otions of )y ro)antic /ee0.re" tense at bravery and cal) had been an even better act than I thought.arently.er.a. do youC@ I said softly.
. 2oc0elstad is i). ?ennedy is also a/are of it. .erha. During his stay.leasures of 2oc0elstad and the cool.hone rang early. Jac0 des.art)ent bac0 in 9toc0hol). born =aroness . and the ne't )orning the tele. @I si). I feel alive /hen /e4re together.t /ondering if the tele.lease co)e.hone /as ringing in our a.s the only nice thing any of us have to say about a )e)ber of the Na:i Party. handso)e. Boring fell in love /ith a beautiful young girl.ortant historically to 9/eden. for a bro0en heart. I need you.@ .resence. 1arin ?ant:o/. I 0e. including those /ho re)ained violently anti"Na:i. /ho /as the sister of Eric4s /ife. MotherF@ I /as getting angry.eo.ed /hen /e returned ho)e. I can4t /atch you set yourself u.@ @I thought you said /e /ere all a/are of that. Jac0. I do )iss you. My father " in fact. Mary. )any 9/edish . In the (-#0s. =ut.@ Jac0 sto. Bunilla.oc0.@ I cabled hi) that afternoon.erately needed to tal0 to )e. /hich /as so)ething I rarely did in Ma))a4s .ly re)inded hi) that he is a )arried )an. and as0ed /here he could contact )e.@ @0 h. let alone a )an /ho beca)e one of Hitler4s chief lieutenants. because /e all too0 a long /ee0end tri. 7here /ould be no one there to ta0e the call.le. had to ad)it that the affection Boring felt for our country " and his beloved 1arin M/ho died at thirty"three of cancer. It /as signed @Miss you. to 2oc0elstad 1astle. /hose career in the )ilitary /as already on the ascendant. My /ondering sto. 9till.. and I don4t /ant to give that u. A telegra) /as /aiting.ursuit.@ he said.@I 0no/ I told you a year ago that you /ere an adult and had to )a0e u. @ @3hat did you tell Jac0C@ I as0ed. Bunilla. your o/n )ind. @It /ould be even )ore beautiful if you could co)e do/n. about t/o and a half hours outside of 9toc0hol). I /anted to )a0e sure Mr. 7his is . @3e are a/are of it. and for /ho) Boring built a house outside =erlin called 1arinhallH " )ay have been one reason /e /ere s. clear early" autu)n days and nights. )y /hole fa)ily " believed that Hitler /as a )ad)an fro) the very beginning. @It4s so beautiful here.@ @I don4t 6ust )iss you.ed calling for a /hile. =ut I couldn4t be sure. /hile en6oying the .ri. and as0ed )e to /ire hi) at the Hotel Luisisana in 1a. 7hat /ee0end. No/ o/ned by )y distant cousin 1hrister von Post.. and a)bitious Ber)an na)ed Her)ann Boring. the castle /as ho)e to =aron Eric von 2osen and he had 5uite an interesting visitor* a young.ared during the /ar. I guessed because he /as /aiting for his /ife and sister" in"la/ to leave before resu)ing his . Eove " Jac0.
@ 3hat to doC 3hat to sayC As al/ays.. during /hich any discussion of his )arriage /as avoided.t through )e.. @ I /as thin0ing about his /ife.er. 9o)e voice inside 0e. I s/allo/ed hard and too0 a dee.ri. 7oo long a silence. @Jac0.. @All right.. In )y )ind.@Jac0. I said no. I said. @Jac0C Jac0. I 6ust . =ut /hatC@ I 6ust blurted it out. but I have to tal0 to )y father about us. but in t/o years Jac0 and I had never even brought it u.hs /ith )e.eating. It /as one thing for Ma))a to re.. hear hi) /his. I thought /e4d lost our connection. so the only /ay for )e to see you is if you co)e do/n to 1a.t re.o0e into the receiver. breath. I re)e)ber ho/ /e /ere.hotogra. I /as ho. Please. I4ve been )arried for t/o years. @I love you. Bunilla.@ I s. 3hat4s changedC@ @Me. @8es.@ I certainly didn4t /ant another argu)ent.. @ 3hy couldn4t I say itC @All right. =ut Jac0 begged )e again to )a0e the tri..elessly in love. @Bunilla. Bunilla. are you thereC@ @8es.@ His voice /as soft. he"ll have to find a way to come to you.. to 1a. and I4ll never forget that /ee0. @I /ish I had even one of your . he said. @8ou4re )arriedF@ . A rush of e)otion s/e. Please don4t get angry at )e again. I re)e)ber too )uch so)eti)es.@ @Ho/C@ @Maybe I4) in love /ith you no/. I don4t feel it4s right 6ust after your fa)ily has left.@ r22 - 7here /ere t/o )ore calls. I don4t 0no/ . Bunilla.ort her conversations /ith hi) on that touchy sub6ect. and I /as nervous. Maybe I4ve changed. I adore you. I . but .ri. do co)e. or at least meet .@ 9uddenly. 7orby hasn4t sent )e the one I too0 at the castle yet. If he means what he says. )y heart /as in total conflict /ith )y head.. I /as suddenly bac0 in Jac04s roo) at 2uuthsbo and I could again touch hi).ery slo/ly and steadily. =astad /as beautiful. I4) cra:y about you and I4ll do anything I can to be /ith you.
ra/led across acres of )anicured grounds and la0es. In 1a. Jac0 /anted to 0no/ /hat I thought about the events of the day. I re)e)bered " no.ri.. /ho lived at 7ido.. It /ould have been )arvelous to be /ith hi) again. so des.hone. As before..o/erful an attraction as the ro)antic .ostcard of the Piccola Marina G@the little beach@H. for )any reasons.ast)anland& their dinner dances /ere in the old style. so)eti)es bla:ing blueness. the social season in 9toc0hol) /as /ar)ing u.@ 9ub6ect closed.rance. and es.lease. Just loo0ing into his eyes. Mean/hile.hysical . and lasted until t/o or three in the )orning.art of )e /as al/ays /ith )y A)erican senator. And /ith Jac0.ain and e)otional need. lying in the sun /ith hi).oint)ent of his )arriage. or to A)erica. behind their clear.arties.@ he said on the . And listening to hi). and I still a).ean itinerary. /here the ?ing4s . and everyone /as eager to introduce )e to si)ilarly eligible )en. I could actually see this as I sat in our living roo) at 9tyr)ansgatan " the tenderness in his ga:e& the little boy he had been. Hostesses all over to/n. he /rote. in . so riddled /ith .ortant. being listened to.osely shut that little Italian /indo/ of o. li0e eighteenth"century balls. I /as an all"or"nothing /o)an. I /as beginning to feel a . 8es. @I /ish you could have been here.erature cooled. but I also yearned to be /ith hi) again.erate to . your cousin.ull of his fasci nating .eculiar tension bet/een )y love for hi) and al/ays needing to /ait for his calls. I /as considered a very eligible young /o)an. And I visited old friends of )y fa)ily at so)e of the great houses outside the city " Pelle and Eott von Essen at their )agnificent castle in >. /ould have been a thrill.@ 7hat .leased )e. sailing /ith hi).any in =astad.iness I 0ne/ /as there. I 0ne/ I /as right not to have gone. or even better.ro) then on.ortunity. loving hi).ur. or any/here. again. called 9alsta. /as 6ust as . )ade )e feel that /hat I said )attered. invited )e to .ersonality. =ut I had . . as the te).erson I4d ever )et /ho )ade )e feel i). seeing the hurt and ha. @I have to be in Poland ne't /ee0. I drea)ed of /hat it could have been li0e. there /as never a dull )o)ent. It /as the sa)e instinct that had urged )e a year and a half before not to go to Paris. and the )an /ho couldn4t hide the disa. No/ Jac0 began to tal0 about the rest of his Euro. I didn4t hear fro) Jac0 ?ennedy until he got to Poland.halfway It /as a voice I4d heard before. At each and every turn during our /ee0 together. or the 9outh of . a . <n the bac0.land. 3 man chases a girl until she catches him 9o Jac0 s/itched tactics. Although I )et several. I 0ne/ ho/ )uch Eric and his /ife and children had en6oyed Jac04s co).alace s. the only )ention of his 1a. including at Drottninghol). I could /rite . @I4) going to loo0 u.ri invitation /as a color ..ecially Hubbe and Mu6 von 9chin0el. 7he fact that Jac0 /as the first .
Jac0C@ @8es. @BunillaC Ho/ have you beenC@ His voice /as tender and sincere. Jac0. I /ent over to the old ghetto yesterday. =ut I )iss you.e /as beginning to fade. Jac0.ic0ed u. I got here in an old A)erican D1"3 flo/n by a Polish cre/.hone rang. I ran into the dra/ing roo) and ans/ered. I /al0ed bac0 and forth.to hi).ressing. It /as late. I s)o0ed a cigarette.lane very /ellF =ut /e )ade it. @I4ve been all right. )y frustration about this before. @Did you tal0 to Eric. I )ean. I rearranged flo/ers. too. on the second day after his arrival in 3arsa/. )aga:ines and .@ My heart raced.@ 3hile )y .hone )y father this afternoon.@ @9o do I.inally.arty. 8esterday. He . @Ho/ /as your tri.ort on his conversation /ith old Joe.ut the) do/n.@ @Me. I often thin0 about our /ee0 together. 3hat have you been u. I still /ant to be /ith you. He finished by saying.@ . =ut I4d rather tal0 about you. /ho /as no/ bac0 at the 9/edish e)bassy in 3arsa/. about ho/ I feel. or /ire hi) if he gave )e an address. but )y )other. Bunilla. I don4t thin0 they 0ne/ that . /aiting for Jac04s call.onse /ould have so)ething to do /ith Jac5ueline. I4d not brought u. darling. My ho. the . too. and I4ve been out a lot. I /al0ed fro) roo) to roo).arents and E/a /ent to a dinner . and sister /ere still out. =ut I /as restless and nervous. father.@ I /ondered if he4d contacted )y cousin Eric. I . but that /asn4t good enough. I4) going to tele.ro)ised to call )e that night to re.@ I said. @I love you. . because I feared his res. It4s de. to nice dinners and dances. I told hi) everything. fro) the A)erican e)bassy. I4) going to do it. about )y life at ho)e. And he did. I chose to stay at ho)e. toC@ @I4ve been riding. saying I /as tired. I s)o0ed another cigarette. I )eant to confront hi) /ith this the ne't ti)e he called. 8ou /ill be ho)e /hen I callC@ @I love you. I4ll be there. @BunillaC@ @8es.C@ @Pretty roc0y.
@I tal0ed to )y father.@ I did a slo/"breathing e'ercise to cal) do/n. @It /asn4t a very ,leasant conversation,@ he said. @3hat ha,,enedC@ @8ou don4t 0no/ hi). =ut he can be " he4s very harsh.@
I /aited for )ore. No/ I /as i),atient, and I des,erately needed an e',lanation. @Jac0, ,lease tell )e /hat he said. 3hat you both said. I need to 0no/.@ @I " I told hi) about you. I4) sorry, but " a,art fro) your fa)ily, and your friends in =astad " I4ve never tal0ed about you to anybody e'ce,t 7orby. It /as so hard, Bunilla. It4s i),ossible to bring u, )y troubles /ith )y /ife to hi). He doesn4t even /ant to hear about it, because she li0es hi) and he res,onds to that. @ @=ut you told hi) about )eC@ @I said that I4d fallen in love /ith you, and I didn4t thin0 I could go on the /ay things are no/. 7hat I /anted to end )y )arriage so that I could be /ith you.@ @3hat did he sayC@ @He didn4t 6ust say it. He yelled at )e, 48ou4re out of your )ind. 8ou4re going to be ,resident so)eday. 7his /ould ruin everything. Divorce is i),ossible. Eoo0 at /hat ha,,ened /ith )e and Bloria 9/ansonF4 He also said that /hether I had a ha,,y )arriage. or not, /asn4t the ,oint. He re,eated so)ething he4s been telling us all our lives. He said, 41an4t you get it into your head that it4s not i),ortant /hat you really areC 7he only i),ortant thing is /hat ,eo,le think you areF4 @ My heart /as sin0ing. @<h, Jac0, I don4t 0no/. 7his is getting co),licated.@ @I 0no/. It sounds that /ay. Eoo0. I feel terrible. I can4t stand tal0ing about this " tal0ing about us " /ithout being near you. I4) going to thin0 of so)ething. I have a )eeting early to)orro/, but I can tele,hone you around lunchti)e. A little before or after. Please /ait for )e. 1an youC@ @8es. 1all )e here to)orro/.@ And so again I /aited. 7he ne't day, Jac0 called before noon. He sounded eager and e',ectant. My s,irits rose. @I have an idea,@ he said, al)ost breathlessly. @Is it so hard for you to co)e to 1o,enhagenC@
@No.@ I 0ne/ I could )anage that no )atter ho/ )uch Ma))a /ouldn4t /ant )e to go. @I have to be in Nurich for t/o days, then bac0 to 3arsa/, then ho)e. =ut I:ll have the e)bassy boo0 )e through to 1o,enhagen. If I can /or0 it out, can you )eet )e thereC It /ill be /ithin this /ee0.@ @8es. I can co)e. I /ould love to see you, too.@ . 7here /as a slight sigh of relief on the ,hone, al)ost i),erce,tible, but there. @I4ll let you 0no/ as soon as I can. <h " and, BunillaC 2e)e)ber " I love you.@ @I love you, too.@ @I4) afraid the 1o,enhagen tri, is going to be difficult,@ Jac0 said during his ne't call. =efore I could e',ress )y disa,,oint)ent, his voice brightened. @=ut I have another idea. 3hy don4t you co)e over to the 9tates for a visitC@ Jac0 had caught )e at a very vulnerable )o)ent. 7he night before, I: been to a )ediu)"si:ed ,arty. 7he host /as one of )y ,arents4 great friends, so I had to attend. 3ith a half"heart, I: ,ulled out a nice evening dress and a ,air of good shoes, and e)bar0ed li0e a reluctant 1inderella on her /ay to the ball, 0no/ing certainly that )y ,rince /ould not be there. He /asn4t. My social life since Jac0 left had been 6ust as I had re,orted to hi) " riding, and @nice dinners and dances@ " but although )any of the ,eo,le I )et /ere attractive, so)e /ere also dull. I really didn4t even /ant to ,retend interest if a )an started to tal0 to )e about his fa)ily or his stables, but I had been bred to have )anners at all ti)es, so I /ould s)ile, nodding s/eetly every no/ and then. 7rying to conceal )y boredo), I /ould 6ust continue to dance. I )issed the 0ind of attention Jac0 ,aid to )e, and his genuine con cern for /hat I had to say. My longing for hi) had beco)e )ore intense than ever, and all I could do to stay sane /as to thin0 about his char), his /onderful face, his hu)or. Jac0 ?ennedy had o,ened u, a /hole ne/ /orld to )e. 9o the idea of visiting hi) in the 9tates, even for a short ti)e, /as )ore than attractive. If /e couldn4t )eet in 1o,enhagen, then a vacation for a /ee0 or so in A)erica " es,ecially if I could s,end ti)e /ith hi) " /as irresistible. I4) afraid I ans/ered @8esF@ )uch too 5uic0ly and e)otionally, because, as al/ays, )y heart 6u),ed in /here a sounder )ind should have ,revailed. 3hile I /aited for further /ord, in des,eration, I called )y cousin Eric in 3arsa/ and as0ed hi), @Did John ?ennedy discuss )e /ith youC@
Eric ans/ered, @ 8es.@ @Did he tell you he loved )e and /anted to leave his /ifeC@ @Bunilla, I a) going to ans/er you truthfully this one ti)e, and /hile I a) alive, it /ill re)ain bet/een the t/o of us. 8es, he did tell )e that. =ut I /ant you to 0no/ here and no/ that if it arises again, )y ans/er /ill al/ays be 4No co))ent.4@ Eric 0e,t his /ord. >ntil the day he died, if any discussion of the nature of )y relationshi, /ith Jac0 ?ennedy ever ca)e u,, he refused to either deny or confir) anything. He /ould 6ust say, @No co))ent.@ Although I didn4t really need Eric4s confir)ation, his /ords reinforced )y belief that for /hatever it /as /orth " for no/ or forever " Jac0 and I loved each other, and that /asn4t going to disa,,ear, no )atter /hat. Another letter fro) Jac0, ,ost)ar0ed in Nurich but /ritten at the air,ort in Poland, arrived only days after /e s,o0e. 9ince 1o,enhagen ,roved to be i),ossible, he ,leaded once again /ith )e to co)e to the 9tates. I /as struc0 not only by his need for )e, des,ite the co),lications that 0e,t arising to 0ee, us a,art, but also, this letter actually looked different fro) the others. =efore, /hen he had /ritten fro) 3ashington, even fro) the hos,ital /hen he /as suffering so )uch, his hand/riting /as large, generous, and /ith an u,s/ee, that loo0ed confident and ha,,y. =ut no/ his ,en)anshi, /as s)aller, )easured, and /as /ritten across the ,age in straight lines. 7he /ay Jac04s ,en for)ed his /ords revealed his e)otions. I held the ,a,er in )y hands, and reali:ed that he and I /ere feeling the sa)e sadness. 1o,enhagen /asn4t going to /or0 out. 9o. No 1o,enhagen. 1a,ri /as finished, by )y o/n hand. 7he obstructions /ere enor)ous* Jac04s )arriage& his father4s hold on hi)& his ,olitical a)bitions. 7he thought of rushing off to A)erica and falling into his ar)s /as e'citing, a /ild drea). =ut I 0ne/ that the /ise thing for )e to do /as to end it and once and for all get on /ith )y life.
@I can arrange for you to co)e to Ne/ 8or0.@ =ut I didn4t. Jac0C@ He4d obviously been thin0ing about it.@ His laugh again. )aybe too healthyF@ @8ou 0no/ ho/ I li0e good food. BunillaC 3rite )e at " @ @I 0no/. @3henC@ @7o)orro/.ounds. I4ll ta0e care of you. @I /ill )a0e you a to. I have to see you.@ I /anted to tell hi) ho/ I thought of hi) /ith such love each day. I /ill find a /ay. and ho/ at night.arture for 3ashington.lans for us had develo. /ere of hi). because he didn4t hesitate at all before saying. )odel in Ne/ 8or0. 3e /on4t /ant you too thin.@ @3hat /ill be ne't. you4d have to lose a fe/ . His .ress )yself in 9/edish. @I do.*-+ Jac0 called in early <ctober. /ell. but as I thought and thought. A)erican )odels are s0inny."'.hone conversation yet. Don4t /orry. Jac0C@ @I love you. I can . 7hat /onderful sound. At the 9enate <ffice =uilding.@ @And ho/ /ill I fit into your life. I reali:ed )y feelings about ta0ing such a dra)atic ste.le. 8ou /ill see. at the 1arlyle for a /hile until /e decide /hat4s ne't.@ @9oonC Please. <f course. I can introduce you to the right . 3e had the longest tele. 7he day after. =ut I 6ust as0ed. Ne't /ee0. @I4ll let you 0no/. /ere )uch too .@ he said. @<nce you4re there. It /as hard enough for )e to e'.ed into so)ething far beyond a casual visit& he /anted )uch )ore of a co))it)ent.eo. a /ee0 before his scheduled de. and you loo0.ut you u.@ he said urgently. )y last thoughts before drifting off to slee.
/ithout 0no/ing /hether he /ould ever be free. /ithout 0no/ing very )uch about Ne/ 8or0.ut in our . but to 6ourney across the Atlantic to A)erica to see hi) again /ithout 0no/ing for ho/ long. for that )atter " these /ere all added obstacles to the ro)antic drea) I had about the t/o of us.aths to be overco)e. and I /as still /ildly in love. and I 0ne/ I /as daring enough to fight through the). I still /anted Jac0 as )uch as he /anted )e. let alone /riting the) do/n in English.ossible for )e to relate in any language. =ut I had learned by no/ that obstacles /ere . . I felt adventurous and strong.co).le'. nearly i). or the >nited 9tates.
He /asn4t annoyed at all. No/ she sat u. @As al/ays.@ but he /as al/ays .@ Ma))a stared directly at )e. I said I /as going to A)erica to see hi).s of bare treeto.ea0 to hi) )yself. I could see the ti. I thin0 I understood. Jac0.utting you u..et.tion des0. He called bac0 the follo/ing day. 7he loo0 on her face /as that of a loving but fierce tigress .1.laced against one of the /ide case)ent /indo/s overloo0ing 9tyr)ansgatan.art)ent 6ust as she /as hanging u. and she told )e. and /hen I in " for)ed hi) that I )ight be co)ing over to Ne/ 8or0 and )ight need so)e /or0 /hile I /as there. 9erge /as a tall 2ussian e)igre /hose . He4ll be tied u. @I 0no/. and /al0ed slo/ly across the Persian car. 7he only .rotecting her young. but this is not for Bunilla..resence in A)erican society.erceived as )uch )ore than that. @I4ve got to s.on it. After t/o days and t/o fitful nights. I4) sure you had an o. I contacted her brother. 6ust in case I needed it. and loo0ed at )e. in a Ne/ 8or0 hoteE@ @All right. I didn4t even have to suggest that.inion about that. He /as officially a @. @3hat did he sayC@ @Eet4s start /ith his idea of turning you into a )odel and .ublic relations e'ecutive. 43e love you.ale gold sil0" cushioned eighteenth"century canape . in Ne/ 8or0. he got )y )other.I /ent to the A)erican e)bassy in 9toc0hol) to in5uire about getting a visa. and I didn4t care /hether he /as annoyed or not.orcelain stove in the corner. to/ard a . he suggested that he could try to arrange a 6ob for )e at the hotel4s rece. but both )y )other and the autu)n tableau behind her had the loo0 of an early frost. dear. straightened her s0irt. and I returned to the a. I )ade a decision. I .@ 9he got u.osite her. let4s tal0 about this. Jac0 and I had a long tal0. 9erge <bolens0y.4 @ I felt tears /ell u.edigree. My bac0 /as /ar)ed by a classic . D. and left a )essage for 9enator ?ennedy to call )e as soon as he could. inside. he said he /ill tal0 /ith you. @Bunilla. and aristocratic char) had )ade hi) a )a6or .@ . bearing. I sat do/n o.. but as soon as he can. I as0ed her /ho /as calling. I said. =ut I needed to tal0 to hi).s outside.laced a transatlantic call to the 9enate in 3ashington.roble) /as that instead of )e. 7his /as reassuring. and because I /as ac5uainted /ith a /o)an na)ed <lga 7ys:0ie/ic:. for a fe/ /ee0s. @ @Indeed. His )a6or client /as Ne/ 8or04s A)bassador Hotel on Par0 Avenue.@ she said evenly.
healthy"loo0ing. their )ansion outside of 9toc0hol). and athletic"loo0ing )an in an i). is the girl for you. I 0no/ that. . 3hen I arrived at the . '<e is the )an for youF@ 1urre then turned to Anders and said. )y social life.@ I had to ad)it that he cut a very a.t u. /hen I heard the tele. <ne 9unday evening in <ctober. I /as tired after a late 9aturday night at yet another dinner dance. No/ this e'.@3ill heC@ @Jac0 and I have a )ore"than"cordial relationshi. @Bunilla.ened. so every no/ and then I felt /ea0. I /as . u.iirsta Bird.erience ca)e in handy.hone. /ith a tone of cons. engaged in a 6ob that could hel. 9onia. @7his. E0)an /as loo0ing at )e /ith a great deal of interest. I had trained in 9toc0hol) as a laboratory assistant. My heart )uscle /as still da)aged fro) the ty.arties that )y friends 1urt " 0no/n as @1urre@ " 9)ith and his /ife. too.on )e and ta0en hold.ro)ise is good. I felt useful. 3hen I left.t that a 0ind of e'haustion had cre..lanned to go to slee. I 0e.h. 1urre i))ediately led )e over to a tall. I found out a fe/ /ee0s later that Anders E0)an /as estranged fro) his /ife and that the divorce . gracious . I /anted to be 0e. so I volunteered for /or0 doing research /ith the doctors and .ealing figure* strong. His . I )oved to )y table. I 0ne/ enough to ta0e it easy /hen that ha. I fully intended to continue .eccable suit.rofessors at 9oders6u0huset Hos. handso)e.hone ring.lay.retentious. I acce.rotect .articularly interested in antibacterial hygiene. early.ted an invitation to another of those large. After e'changing na)es. Anders. 3e understand each other. /ith 6ust the 0ind of s)ile I li0ed " real and un.a.hoid fever.t busy. he /as the only )an in the roo) I didn4t dance /ith. He4ll call. 7here is so)ething he )ust tal0 to you about. but /hen dinner /as over and the )usic started to .t u..ital. li0ed to give at .le as /ell. e'ce. Mr. A )inute later )y )other called to say it /as for )e.ers /ere about to be signed.@ he said.O @3hatC@ @He /ill tell it to you on the .arty that night.@ 7he su))er before I )et Jac0.laying )y belle"of"the"ball role that season. this is Anders E0)an.eo. and . I had dinner /ith )y fa)ily and .iracy and triu).. I4d /ashed )y hair and /as on )y /ay to bed.
He /as really very handso)e.. so our conversation had the added ease of a shared native tongue. @It4s 1urre 9)ith.ed it /as Jac0.ression on )y face /as a clear sign to Ma))a that I ho. lu'urious chairs. @1ould he )a0e you forget Jac0C@ E/a as0ed )e. His na)e is Anders E0)an.@ . @I don4t 0no/. 7he eager e'.@ she said.ly felt that he /as. co)fortable furniture in the (-30s style.ularity didn4t )atter to )e. I thought it /as because he /as so good" loo0ing. =ut his . and the )ost a)using custo)ers in to/n. 3e4re at 1ecil4s /ith Benia and Bregor. so I /asn4t going to /ear 6ust anything.le suit and a red sha/l. <n that night 1urre called. I /as ready. Perha. @I4ve eaten already.iano )usic. but I feigned interest. 1urre sounded energetic and enthusiastic.o. of course.aying attention to /hat I thought and said. and an attractive decor.s I should ta0e another loo0 at hi). 4NillaF Every /o)an in 9toc0hol) is after hi)F@ I didn4t 0no/ that. so)ething started to ha. but I4ll co)e over for a drin0. this )an /as actually . I thin0 I4ve )et a nice )an.ect to hi) that dre/ )e in. I thought.ots. you )ust co)e and 6oin us.@ @My goodness. As /ith Jac0. 7he 2estaurant 1ecil /as elegant.eo..ut on a chic . the only thing that /as interesting to )e /as the )an hi)self. dear. /ith a fashionable clientele. good food and service.art)ent. it /as because I si). and /as reac5uainted /ith Anders E0)an. It /as es. Also.ted. I arrived at 1ecil. he as0ed if he could ta0e )e to dinner the follo/ing /ee0. Ei0e John ?ennedy. In )y cash)ere coat.ecially . 3hen Anders drove )e ho)e.lace on 9aturday afternoons. he /as 9/edish. @Bunilla. es. Anders E0)anF&4 Anders E0)an again. or dessert and coffee.ur. I 0noc0ed on the door of )y sister4s roo). very )uch li0e the Hotel 1arlyle in Ne/ 8or0 is today. 3ithin a half hour. then /ent in and sat do/n on her bed.@ I told 1urre.ecially lively ones /ith ha. If I found Anders attractive.le. @I can never forget Jac0.o. but I /asn4t sur. /ith . and I acce. =ut she shoo0 her head. and guess /ho elseC@ I really didn4t care )uch. /hen /e4d go in and order coc0tails and hors d4oeuvres and e'change the ne/s of the day. 1ecil /as really a barArestaurant.en bet/een us. I love nights.rised.y . 3hoC@ @I have your future husband here. sat do/n in one of the big.ular as a )eeting .I . I rallied )y strength. and there /as a co)fortable and secure as. @E/a. =ac0 in the a. I brushed )y hair and . and /ore a gold chain around )y nec0.ut on )y robe and hurried do/n the hall.
Anders /as li0e the rich soil of earth. Ho/ have you beenC@ I /asn4t entirely una/are of Jac04s . Even finding )yself in the heart of 9toc0hol). and I attributed it to Jac0. controlled face@ that still haunted hi). He too0 )e out for an evening at the Brand Hotel. . Luieter. =esides lifting )y heart. @I4) sorry it4s been so long.orridge. Mi))i. attentive and graceful. I thin0 it4s a long shot. @8ou can4t heat u. old . 7here4s been so )uch going on here. then I allo/ed )yself a gro/ing confidence* Anders4s old girlfriend /as not a threat. /ere through. /riting that I had @a beautiful. Jac0 burned li0e a brilliant co)et in the s0y. I4) not sure. 9olid and strong. I /as right about the old . an old love he 0ne/ there. 6ust as he had .retty far north. during /hich he assured )e that he and his /ife.irations.y life.erha. a sentence that still haunted )e " he4d . He /as a /onderful dancer. but I had a sur. I /as re)inded of Jac0.ital in Ne/ 8or0 that . long before he )et Mi))i.s Anders could offer )e a ha.lace @in the north. but he engaged )y interest. I /aited for a .. I loo0ed for/ard to seeing hi) )ore and )ore. I as" su)ed it /as a hunting lodge tuc0ed into the /oods and didn4t as0 )uch )ore about it. He /as a lando/ner and s. Bunilla.If Jac04s strong hold on )y heart /asn4t loosened by Anders. If a )an as /onderful as John ?ennedy could fall in love /ith )e. Anders /as )ore ro)antic than ever. I 0ne/ that this /o)an had been Anders4s first love.hone call fro) A)erica.ro)ised Ma))a he /ould. I reali:ed that Anders4s . but a ne/ understanding /as nudging at )e* If I could never have Jac0 in the /ay I needed and /anted hi).olitical as..rising reaction* I /as not 6ealous.resident.ast Dece)ber. re)e)bering /hat he4d said in his long letter fro) the hos.orts)an /ho li0ed fishing and rising at da/n for shooting. a roc0. And then. it /as only because they /ere so different.ations /ere not close to )ine. for . )ore than three hundred )iles above 9toc0hol) " /hich /as . Jac0 called.@ a house called 76iills Bard.reoccu.@ I ans/ered. After t/o )ore dinners. and /ould return in a /ee0. =ut you don4t care about that. 3e had a third date. Every fe/ /ee0s I sto. 3hen he re turned fro) Holland.robably be u.orridge. and hunting and tennis at his . A )an na)ed 9tevenson /ill .resident ne't year. 7here4s tal0 of )y running for vice . 7his /as a self"assurance that /as ne/ for )e.ed by the Brand Hotel and headed for the big international ne/sstand there. 9he /ould be signing the final decree any day. E/a as0ed )e /hy. Every day. =ut then he announced that he /as going off to Holland to visit Eouise.
@I4ve been fine.regnant. Every day I thought about it.. 9o although I 0ne/ it /asn4t contributing to )y )ental and e)otional health. @Jac0.)entioned a nurse on his floor fro) 9/eden.@ @8es. It /as also i).ause see)ed endless. ?ennedy. He see)ed astonished by this.ression he didn4t care for her )uch. Jac0.erha.@ I /ondered if he )eant can"t or won"t @Do you /ant to be vice .ortant. it. and a cou. dearC@ . 7he )ost significant ne/s ite). @I /anted to call you even sooner. He said. =ut I also /ondered about this dar0"haired 9/edish nurse. He had as0ed her /hy she4d left @the . too. =ut he co). I).rench descent. I ans/ered his 5uestion.ite )y desire to sto. and he /as. Jac0ie /as redecorating the entire house. 7here4s a sli) chance at that. obsessing about such things. so)eti)es )ore visible.ool for hi) to e'ercise his bad bac0. . It4s as though everything here is rolling along /ithout any bra0es. )y )other said you had to tell )e so)ething.s to the future of his country.@ I /as silent for 6ust a )o)ent. Des. but he /as right about 9toc0hol). as far as I /as concerned. 8our life )ust be 5uite e'citing right no/. I thought of that letter often. and to )y future. I can4t sto. 7here /ere stables for her horses and a .@ His voice sounded cho0ed.ortant to Jac04s .orting that the young 9enator ?ennedy and his lovely /ife. @BunillaC Are you all right.eculating if she /as anything li0e his dar0"haired /ife of .robably .lace. Jac5ueline.irginia.residentC@ I as0ed hi).ortant to us. I couldn4t hel. No/ I tre)bled at his voice on the .@ 7his ti)e the .rench. in four years. but reading about hi) only u. and so sad. the big 6ob. and she4d re. I4) so " I4) so sorry. s. had bought a large Beorgian )ansion called Hic0ory Hill in .olitical future and . No/ and then. /hich is built on )ore than a do:en islands and is indeed li0e .hone. if everything falls in .@ 7his /as all i). I do have to tell you so)ething. I thin0 I should /ait for the big one.aragra. I got the i).lied that Manhattan /as )uch nicer. I often bought the Paris edition of the <erald 5ri#une. @8es. and even )ore about ho/ he /as feeling.lained that she /as dar0 and had blac0 hair. And I /asn4t going to brea0 it.@ I /as stunned.set )e. It /as not only ro)antic and )oving. I did care about his career. @Jac0ie is .enice. there /ere ite)s about John . I 6ust can4t " I )ean. =ut I tried to sound tran5uil. had been a short . I have to follo/ this course.le of A)erican magazines 2 5ime and Newsweek 2 at the Brand Hotel.enice of the North@ for Ne/ 8or0. Bunilla. concluding that she /as .h in one of the colu)ns re. 7hen he said. so)eti)es buried in the bac0 .ages.ery busy. @HonestlyC I don4t thin0 I4ll get it.
@I do.. /ill /eC@ @Don4t thin0 that. /e /on4t ever see each other again no/.ens. @I4) ha. I love you. too. Jac0. I4) being selfish. /ill youC@ @<f course.@ @8es you canF 7ryF I thin0 she4s trying very hardF@ I too0 a dee. -*6'I)' . 8ou can4t leave your career. I love you. My dear Jac0.@ @I4ll tell you .@ He too0 his ti)e before he said. =ut I can4t feel about )y /ife the /ay I do about you. =ecause I /asn4t thin0ing enough about you. breath and said slo/ly. and I /as te). 8ou4re right. he said.hone for a very long ti)e.@ After a short . I /ant )y o/n fa)ily. I ho. Do )e a favor. I thin0 he /ould )a0e a /onderful husband.@ @No. @3hat else can I thin0C 8ou can4t leave your /ife no/. and a fu" ture.ted to co)e to Ne/ 8or0.. <nly about )e. but I have to have a life... you4re 6ust being " @ @9elfish. /hatever ha.@ I sat by the tele.@ 9uddenly. I al/ays /ill.e a baby /ill hel. )y dear. @I4ve )et a very nice )an here. I had a lot to say.@ @7han0 you. I really /as.. Bunilla. About everything.@ @Eet )e 0no/ /hat you decide to do. I4) not.@No. I4ve been living in a sort of drea). I4) interested in hi). And you 0no/ I /ish you all the best things in the /orld.y for you.ause.
)eatballs. 7o/ard the beginning of Dece)ber.orted. he said he /anted to s. He drove for several )iles and then .@ Anders said as /e dre/ closer. good fine /ines. /ith sleigh bells ringing as /e s.le strudel.eared instantly and un.444 He did.ical of the 9/edish country style. for the cold and the long. in the 6uice. /hitefish. at 76alls Bard.ig4s feet.ifth Avenue. And then /e s. but /ith a strong .end Ne/ 8ear4s u. large ba0ed ha)s acco). )y )other and I shared a glance.rivate road and said. as the church bells began to ring outside. My affection for hi) had already begun to ri. @He /ishes to as0 for your hand in )arriage. 9toc0hol)4s 9a0s . and carefully tended grounds. 7he sorro/ful void left by Jac0 /as slo/ly being filled /ith another 0ind of devotion.. @<f course. and /e acce. Pa.irits. and a. but I /as definitely not& I couldn4t stand to loo0 at the)F 7here /as singing.aniet. candlelight. . it /asn4t /hat intrigued )e. straight out of =octor >hivago. /ith the stately lines and si).le geo)etry that are ty. and a nineteenth"century )anor house /ith )ost of the /indo/s lit u.. All the headlights sho/ed /ere sno/"covered foliage and fields.ulled into a . /e li0e hi). I /as engaged. but I said.en fires. the trees disa. and change for brea0fast.anied by dar0 bread to di.ool..en long before this visit. li0e a 1hrist)as tree loo)ed before us. and festive 9/edish )eals.ed through the sno/drifts to Multra church. 9oon after that. 4Don4t you thin0 you should as0 her firstC 3e already a. I also graduated /ith flying colors fro) Angeldorff4s coo0ing school. /e turned on the radio to listen to a . I too0 a .@ Ma))a re.rench influence. 7he )ain house at 76iills Bard had t/enty"four roo)s.en ar)s. Ne/ 8ear4s Eve /as a classic holiday.a. I said yes. 9o this /as his little hunting lodge in the /oodsF 7/o liveried servants a.During that autu)n of (-$$. <n Dece)ber 30. /or0 I en6oyed and did /ell.re"1hrist)as 6ob for the second year selling accessories at Nordis0a ?o). and lots of laughter. Bunilla. roaring o. a built"in . 3e entered.arents to s.articularly fond of . As /e /ere sho/n to our 5uarters to freshen u. @7here4s 76iill. 7earing our astonished eyes a/ay fro) the Palladian"li0e for)ality of this )ansion. I began to reali:e that even if Anders /as one of the /ealthiest )en in 9candinavia after all.eared.. It /as still dar0 /hen Anders )et us at the Eangsele station in a big Mercedes. dar0 nights of /inter by eating heartily.ea0 to )y )other and father.un around a corner. and /as surrounded by tennis courts. Anders. dancing. vegetable and flo/er gardens. sausage. 3e )ade u.ac0ed the trun0. herring. and I too0 the night train u.ted. 3e follo/ed an age"old 9/edish Ne/ 8ear4s Eve tradition* Just before the stro0e of )idnight. and I /elco)ed it /ith relief and o. It turned out that @here@ )eant that all the )iles and )iles of forest and far)land around us belonged to hi). Anders invited )e and )y .rove of you. Ma))a.lentiful s. @3e4re here. and the ring /as on )y finger.@ but I didn4t see anything. And I continued to see a great deal of Anders E0)an. Anders /as . north.. 7here /ere several different 0inds of terrines.
Anders and I /ere . 2ingF@ and then. He /as the ne.es of )y visiting the >nited .ily e'hausted stay. 7hree /ee0s later a telegra) arrived fro) Africa. and then traveled u. 9ightseeing. In January.E 8<>.en all the doors of the house to /elco)e (-$I and bro0e out the cha). I /ould save )any other .s /henever I could.@ 3hen /e arrived bac0 in 9toc0hol).a.heno)enal.any hi). his estranged /ife.etition /ith Bustaf ?leen.ut it in )y handbag. 3AI7INB . dear.h of hi). and I feel sad that he and his /ife have lost a baby. I read that Jac5ueline had )iscarried. My .ed it out and . E<.agne. 3e sailed bac0 through the 9ue: 1anal. /ho everybody called 2o)ulus because he /as born in 2o)e.@ 9o I left 9toc0hol) and /ent to . /hen the cloc0s reached )idnight.ressing )y sy). 3e4re engaged and you aren4t divorced yet.athy to hi) about the )iscarriage. /e thre/ o.hotogra.ienna to study Ber)an and read Boethe. lodging /ith a nice fa)ily na)ed von 9choenburg. I /ished I could have done so)ething to co)fort Jac0. to Paris. e'. better 0no/n as the /riter Isa0 Dinesen. I sa/ that the Paris edition of the <erald 5ri#une re. /e /ere bac0 in 9toc0hol) a little )ore than a /ee0 later. and too0 na. I don4t thin0 it4s right. 3hile /e /ere in Paris.a. E0)an4s energy /as going to be hard to )atch. Anders told )e he /as going on safari in Africa and as0ed )e to acco). I told hi) that )y . 7I1?E7 A22ANBED. refused to sign the final . I cli. >nfortunately. but Mi))i still didn4t sign.o. /ho lived at 2ainergasse ((.hoto safari.lanning to be )arried in Nairobi.E ANDE29.er. I began to see that Mr. Mi))i /as going to sign the .leasure and sense of ease /ith Anders /as dee. 7here /as a .ers. fro) Mo)basa to Marseilles.ers after all. I /rote to Jac0. Any ho. hunting. but I hung in. After a ha.he/ of ?aren =li'en... 7his /as the first ti)e I4d )entioned Jac0 to Anders. Mi))i.iece of )y heart. Mi))i gave in and signed the final decree. so I 0e.. @I )et John ?ennedy on the 2iviera a fe/ years ago. I said. In another edition of the sa)e .ictures of Jac0 as the years lengthened. I even rode in co). Anders4s energy /as .lans /ere set and that I /as to be )arried that su))er.on hearing of our engage)ent. @No.orted that John ?ennedy )ight )a0e a serious bid for the vice . I said. E<.<2 8<> IN NAI2<=I.ening. /as an e'citing /hirl/ind. 9o I /ent. vital )en. but Jac0 still held on to a significant ..ular old actor na)ed Anders de 3ahl give his yearly reading of @2ing ?loc0a. =ut I li0e energetic. a .residency during the De)ocratic 1onvention.a. PEEA9E 1<ME.t u. u. 7he re)ainder of the von PostAE0)an courtshi.
A.e. )y )other for/arded a letter sent to @90yransgaten@ Ghe never did get it rightFH. Although I 0ne/ I could never betray a )an as good and loving as Anders. (-$I. I4) going to find hi) and .. )y heart beating /ith e'cite)ent. Anders E0)an on July ( . and I thin0 for both of us.lanning to )arry @a far)er. In true von Post style..unch hi) in the nose for thisF@ he said. conversation. /ho did your hairC@ I /as e)barrassed. @Bood heavens.@ He then 6o0ed. I beca)e Mrs.ortunately. =ut I felt a terrible conflict. e'ce. three years to the )onth after )y first encounter /ith John .enC@ In s. Massachusetts.9.ainful. for the follo/ing su))er. In August. =ut the /edding /as lovely. and sadder still that I /as . and then /e too0 off for Ea.en.. After a /ee0 of celebration. he forgot about it.ost. 9enate stationery. if I ca)e to A)erica. on >. . too..ost)ar0ed Hyannis. the hairdresser 6ust around the corner.ursuits. at a si). too.erha.oor hairdresser /as s. that he and 7orby /ere obviously irresistible to the o.@ the one /e had driven @half/ay across 9/eden to see last su))er. curled and da). . or . I should co)e over and see hi). =ut in any case. for flyfishing and other .ing to see her again /hen he and Jac0 " li0e the t/o 46olly )us0eteers they /ere " visited again. in the north.ortant he had been to )e. I had been ta0ing a na.. I started )y ne/ life as the chatelaine of 76ills Bard. and I )anaged to survive it all. @Dearest Bunilla.s even as a young )other.ared. =ut she had /ritten 7orby.robably over. follo/ed by a forlorn. )y hair loo0ed very strange indeed. )y secret self thrilled at Jac04s suggestion that if by so)e chance I didn"t get )arried.arently 7orby had flirted /ith one of the girls in =astad and had been ho. he still held out ho.le cere)ony in )y . I 5uic0ly tried to fi' it the best I could. I /anted so )uch to let hi) 0no/ ho/ i).arents4 a.@ he began. Anders E0)an@ Gabsolutely correctH.y I /as not co)ing to A)erica.art of )e did.@ Anders /as angry. I tore it o. and addressed to @Mrs.osite se'. 7he service /ent very /ell. He said he /as unha. @And no/ /hat /ill ha.9tates /ere . but it 6ust /asn4t right. @7o see you. and I told hi) that. I said. and /hen I got u. saying that she. too. @3ell. 3hen I /al0ed out to ta0e )y vo/s. it /ould be as a )arried lady.ite of our last heartfelt..ort. tongue"in"chee0. . there /ere tasteful festivities arranged by )y )other.art)ent. very . 6ust before the )inister arrived. It see)ed as though Jac5ueline4s failed .land.t for one thing. and the .@ but than0ed Bod it /asn4t that other @far)er.regnancy /as another blo/ against . and that sa)e old . @<h.' he /rote. =ut )ostly.o/erful and ro)antic . /as getting )arried and that he /as " under no circu)stances " to return to 9/edenF Jac0 had been .oned.. Anders loo0ed at )e and said.lanning another visit. ?ennedy.
and ardent lover. and I never co). =ut )y sister 0ne/ I /ould be interested in this* Jac0 had )ade a run for the no)ination for vice . His early" to"bed" early"to"rise"and"off"to"the"hunt routine /asn4t one I could share.)ending their union. healthy baby girl. at the crac0 of da/n. 1aroline =ouvier ?ennedy. but he /as understanding.t . and of course /e had the radio and a blac0"and"/hite television set that brought in a fe/ channels. I reali:ed that if I /as )eant to get . Although )y husband /as a strong. He loved ta0ing ris0s and returning ho)e triu). 2igorous adventure see)ed to fuel hi).. =ecause )y heart )uscle /as not co).@ And then. I 0ne/ fro) )y o/n history /ith hi) that he /as deter)ined to get his /ay. 7o )e. to our bedroo) for a good night4s slee. @I already have three children and I love you no )atter /hat. and a good )an to ta0e care of.arty. late /ith our guests " usually the northern lando/ners and their fa)ilies. the A)erican ..e. so I /asn4t really sur.. E/a sent )e a cli. any/ay. . though not terribly clearly. 6ust . I /as genuinely ha. I had beco)e a . caring.en on )y schedule. late. More than anything. I had as0ed her to . 9everal /ee0s later. and .ointed.ut it in )y chest of dra/ers. =esides. I rested 5uite a bit during the day. 7hat gave )e courage and ho.t trying.o.resident. I /anted to start a fa)ily. often in our big 0itchen.ers u.ontaneity and sense of fun. and I en6oyed entertaining and staying u.hant.@ Anders said to )e.ared to be" lieve that four years fro) no/ @the big 6ob@ )ight indeed be his at last.ular hostess.resident.letely strong yet. and I /as fully . /hile I stayed do/nstairs and tended to the .rised /hen.re. 3e got t/o 9/edish .ly /asn4t able to conceive.y to hear that Jac5ueline had given birth to a beautiful. Jac0 finished by telling )e that I /as a bright )e)ory in his life.raying. Eife at 76all /as good fro) the beginning. I also li0ed to slee. in late Nove)ber (-$!. that I /as 'wonderful' and that he )issed )e.ed Jac0 /asn4t too disa.ic0 u. Anders already had children by his first /ife. and he loved being a father.resident and so)ebody na)ed Estes ?efauver for vice .a.ing.ortant 6ourney..lained /hen he e'cused hi)self and /ent u.ed it bac0 into the envelo.. @Don4t /orry. Anders /as a reincarnated Marco Polo.a. the officers fro) the t/o neighboring regi)ents. but I had a ho)e of )y o/n no/ to attend to. it /asn4t necessarily going to ha. and after several )onths I began to /orry it /as be" cause of )y earlier struggles /ith ty.ers fro) ti)e to ti)e for )e.regnant. I ho. I si). Anders li0ed )y s. I /as very touched. although Anders and I had different styles of living. and I 0e. sli.e. I folded u. 7he De)ocratic tic0et /as to be Adlai 9tevenson for .hoid fever. 3e 0e. at 76all. I /as /istful. his letter. /hile Anders /as u. but he had lost. He /as definitely on a very i). and occasional visitors fro) 9toc0hol). but I re)e)bered his saying he didn4t thin0 he4d )a0e this one.
regnant.oint Anders. and hos. it /as a short 6ourney u.y at the thought that I )ight be . )y sister /as char)ing..or the rest of the 6ourney.e for revolution. It too0 ten days to )a0e re. =eto Bo)e:"Mira and his /ife.assed. .. 9he /as still unattached after her short )arriage to Ernst Einder. he had reco))ended I ta0e it easy. =ut ho/ /ill /e travel through the desertC @ @3e4re ta0ing the car. and /ould not. 7he voyage . I4) unconventional. It /as fun being three of only eight . the cities..overty side by side as /as on dis. generous. )y sus. and I 0ne/ she /ould en6oy the tri. Anders a)used /hile I rested. )ountains. @3e4re sailing on a freighterA. ho/ever. Also.itable friends of )y )other4s. 7hen /e4ll travel u. My doctor /asn4t sure. I said. . I thought I )ight " finally " be . Dr.airs. After clearing the loc0s of the Pana)a 1anal. the /est coast of 1entral A)erica. through Me'ico and across the >nited 9tates to Ne/ 8or0. 3e4ll see so )uch " the ocean. so I had )orning sic0ness at night. @7his . very lively and )ost entertaining. of that. He /as delighted /ith the idea. =ut I could not.regnant. and I /as ha.lay in El 9alvador. the desert. e'citing tri. and the food and /ines /ere /onderful. =ut the disco)fort . but the first day out.assengers /ith stateroo)s on the Johnson Eine co)bined cargo shi. I4d never seen such a contrast of great riches and ab6ect .lace is ri..after the beginning of (-$ .assed cheerfully enough.assenger shi. and the car /ent crashing do/n t/enty feet onto the doc0. so /e stayed /ith so)e very /ealthy.. and deserts for )onths. It /as so li0e Anders to /ant to haul the big Mercedes 300 all over the /orld /ith hi). /e ate /ith the ca. Eisa.. fro) Bothenburg to EI 9alvador. As /e e)bar0ed at El 9alvador. Just the right )o)ent to careen across oceans. /e /atched aghast as one of the cables hoisting the Mercedes raveled and sna. disa.ed.leasantly.tain each evening. And on to. arduous. @3hereC@ I as0ed . he announced that /e /ere going on a long.icions that I had conceived strengthened.@ I should have guessed. 3on4t it be funC@ @<h yes. dear. As a safety )easure.@ 7hey laughed at )e. 9he could 0ee. I too0 one bite of dinner and felt sic0. I as0ed hi) if E/a could co)e along. but /ith )y so)eti)es delicate health and tendency to/ard fatigue.
through Me'ico.ril -. Anders. 1alder.At least the fighting didn4t start /hile /e /ere there.@ E/a said to )e.lenty. I had contacted 9erge <bolens0y again.iece of . bandits tried to untie and steal the car.aved. 7/ice. 7he ne/ly refurbished Mercedes /as loaded on the flatbed of a freight train u. <n a /inding Me'ican road /e ca)e u. on the other hand.regnancy . .ense . 9ince 9erge /as.on our arrival in Manhattan. urbane so.ulled out his .histicate.ery nice . in the elevator. 7here /as blood and bro0en glass every/here. he did e'actly that. he got . Anders read it on our /ay u. as0ing if he /ould )a0e arrange)ents for our Ne/ 8or0 stay. 3earing an e'. If Anders craved adventure.in"stri. 9erge )et us in the lobby. /hile the train /as /aiting at /histle sto.t us all sane.eo. /as full of enthusias).ain0illers and dress /ounds. As )y . r /as able to dis.ressed on. but for different reasons. E/a 0e. @Mr. and Mrs. and glided off to/ard the e'it. =ut 1olonel <bolens0y. 3e. au fond. double"breasted suit /ith a /hite carnation in the la. tending to the /ounded. r tre)bled at /hat this )ight be doing to )y baby. @3ho are theyC@ @9o)e business friends. the e. 3e )ust have been a sight. Anders finished registering at the front des0. and u. .. It too0 seven /ee0s fro) the ti)e /e landed in 1entral A)erica until /e reached Ne/ 8or0 on A. one of those .le. 9erge then as0ed us if /e /ould 6oin hi) for a . 9o)eti)es the high/ays /ere s)ooth and )odern.@ and handed hi) a . He travels 5uite a bit. @Mr.re"luncheon drin0 the follo/ing day.el. but they /ere frightened a/ay /hen Anders . and /hen /e arrived.ills /ere to co)e.on a horrific accident bet/een a car and a large bus.sies. but 5uite enough thrills and s.@ he said. too0 no notice of our battered a.ed. r 0no/ he /as. 3e /ere boo0ed into a suite at the A)bassador Hotel. but /e .er. he /as a da.a. 3e stayed there for three to four hours.earance and s)oothly ushered us to/ard the bellboy. but often /e bounced and bu).er. nodding greetings and sha0ing hands here and there li0e the great gentle)an he /as.le /ho 0ne/ everyone every/here.istol.eo. As he turned to re6oin us. @8ou should get a )edal.@ r )et hi) in 9toc0hol)..rogressed.ito)e of elegance. r beca)e )ore and )ore tired. the reservations cler0 called to hi).ut our bags on his trolley. he could )a0e life easier for the) all. E0)anC 7here is a )essage here for you. /ho . /ho rose to the occasion of every /rong turn or traffic 6a) li0e a 0night errant challenged by an adversary. )ust have loo0ed li0e a trio of gy.s. I4) to call the).ed over roads that /ere barely .ensive .
I )et the baron once. and Mrs. It4s the A. E/a. @8a. but " @ I .ressive. @Anders.ly laundered sheets and fall off to slee. @3hereC@ My to/el had nearly fallen off.ut his hand over the . in the big hotel bed /ith cris. /e4re all tired.regnant. the . grateful for the /ar) soa.@ @<h. 3ell. Anders said they /ant us to go to so)e big benefit dinner dance tonight.. I4) sure the guest list is very i).eo. @9enator ?ennedy and his /ife.@ I got out of the bath and E/a handed )e a large.ened the bathroo) door. @3hat ?ennedysC@ I said. I dried )yself gently and o. @<h. in the lu'urious cotton to/el.rance. 1alder.en the door and ran out to hi). this is one ti)e I4) too tired for a . @ 7hen he laughed.. and hel. bu). /aitF@ @Just a )inute. 3hen is itC@ @Eight o4cloc0.. you said you /ere so /eary. but " @ .eo. but Anders. I could hear Anders on the . 8a.arty. Eric 2othschildC 8a. @3ell. @3here is AndersC@ I as0ed.y 6ourney. I4) saying /e can4t go.hone.hone. on )y feet. He /as 6ust about to say good"bye. @1over yourself u. Mr. I felt clean and co). ca)e into )y bathroo).I too0 little notice. nor)ally /e /ould be delighted.ulled o.@ Anders said.ed to 0not it around )y /aist. I haven4t. and )y /ife is .hone /ith those . I o/ed it to )yself and to )y ne/ baby. too. 9o I don4t thin0 . @ @3hat .@ He .ril in Paris =all at the 3aldorf " Astoria Hotel. I4) sorry. but )y /ife )et the senator once.@ @Not any)ore.. I thought ho/ nice it /ould be to curl u. although the fatigue /as still a dull undercurrent.ractically aslee. After our dusty. 7he ?ennedysC No. @ I sighed. thic0 to/el /ith the A)bassador logo e)broidered on it.ed u.aratively invigorated for the first ti)e in /ee0s. All I could thin0 of /as a bath and a bed.hand is the a)bassador fro) . And a /hole lot of others " other honored guests.leC@ @8ou 0no/. 3ra. dear. /e )ust goF 3e 6ust have toF@ @=ut )y dear. as I /as . fresh fro) her sho/er and /earing her favorite old terry"cloth robe.le /ho left the )essage.y /ater that had soothed )e after our long 6ourney.leasures of first class /ere absolutely /onderful. Herve Al.. I finished )y bath. @He4s still on the tele.
9he gave )e a 0no/ing s)ile.e after giving birth to 1aroline in Nove)ber. Put it on. 9uddenly. /as coolly elegant. .ed Jac0 /ould s. After /e /ere all seated.hone* @Ignore /hat I said. @It4s tight.@I4ll be readyF@ Anders continued on the . <h. 9hortly before eight. because Anders didn4t 0no/ the e'tent of )y friendshi. but I /as only one of )any hundreds of faces there. My /ife and )y sister"in"la/ and I /ill be ha. I felt a secret thrill " secret. 7his /on4t be easy.ulled out so)ething in off"/hite velvet and held it in front of )e. @Ho/ about thisC =lac0 is sli))ing. too. @3hat do you thin0C@ @I can4t tell. 3hen /e arrived at the 3aldorf"Astoria. He loo0ed fit and had gained )ore /eight.e de chine. It had been transfor)ed into a huge version of a .@ 7his one /as tight. I /as ready. I said.@ I loo0ed through the fe/ for)al clothes (4d .@ I said. Bood"bye. you /illC 7hat4s very 0ind.ut on a co. )oving closer and closer to the slightly raised dais at the front.leasant cou. His /ife. again to see Jac0 and Jac5ueline entering fro) the left together. sli) sha.. E/a gave )e a 5uic0 once"over. /e found our s. 7hey /ere a . I ho. As /e threaded our /ay through the roo). /hich /as beco)ing.@ After finding a bright nec0lace and )atching bracelets to go /ith it. /ith Jac0.erAgold sheath and loo0ed as gla)orous as al/ays. but )ay I borro/ your .ot. @E'cuse )e.ed it over )y head and tried to let it fall into .en for a )o)entC@ And he handed it to )e. bac0 in beautiful.ulling out a blac0 cre.@ I . /ith a/nings and 0ios0s. 7hey sat at se. I loo0ed every/here for Jac0. Eou and Eucille 1alder /ere /aiting for us in their car out in front. E/a . even though our destination /as only a fe/ bloc0s a/ay. It /as 6ust a fe/ )inutes after eight o4cloc0. /e )ade our /ay through the lobby and entered the Brand =allroo).ac0ed. )e. I /as e'cited that the table /as so close to the front of the ballroo).regnant.@ I sli.arate tables on the . 3e4ll be do/nstairs at ten to eight. Jac04s /as closest to ours.lace.rench side/al0 cafe.. already . @7hat4s it. @E/aF Hel. I loo0ed u.. although of course E/a did. =ut better. 7he /aiter /as ta0ing coc0tail orders.le /ith a great fondness for Anders.latfor). In deference to )y blac0. @8ou4re .@ she said.ot )e. 3hen he got to )e. and tables and chairs arranged around the dance floor.y to 6oin you. 9o)ething /as /rong.
@ he said. . Borilla. an uninvited " and un/elco)e. @but I4) afraid I have to get bac0. /aiting for )e..I . 9till standing.@ he said to Anders. )ada).tain or )aitre d4. Nevertheless. glancing bac0 and )a0ing it clear that I /as to follo/.lace and ti)e. but Jac04s s)ile and e'. I feared )y )essage /ouldn4t get through.@ Anders said.ara::o.eared.laced on the tablecloth for drin0s.lease give this to Mr. and discretion ruled. to the . 7he )an . along /ith his .@ He ste. Jac0 had his duty calling for hi) inside. =ut it /as a . Jac0 stood u.o0ing vigorously at the air and .en.2<N7 <. but this /as a different . @Just a )o)ent. and started /al0ing to the e'it. one of the .robably thin0ing so)ething /as /rong. @9o do you. Anders and E/a /ere there " . @It4s )arvelous to see you. and leaned over. I don4t 0no/ /hat e)otions )y face betrayed.ression and eyes registered everything. @Mrs.hotogra. I /anted to rush into his ar)s. My heart /as in )y throat. as though a bolt of electricity /as coursing through hi). In an instant.@ he said.a. @3ould you . He too0 )y hand for the last ti)e. grabbed his ca)era. he yelled.@ he said. ?ennedyC@ and a flash /ent off. he gestured /ith his thu)b.0in. His grin /as incandescent.otted )e. a ca. ?ennedyC@ I as0ed.her. .ic0ed u. 9uddenly. and ta0e the na.. and at first I thought it /as Anders and E/a " I reali:ed /ith so)e e)barrass)ent that I4d si). and I /rote on it. I gathered u.ly abandoned the) in )y haste to )eet Jac0.@ At that very )o)ent.ointing to/ard the hall/ay to his right. =ut the other )an nodded. Jac0 reached for hi). I sa/ Jac0 loo0 u. and then he scanned the tables for only an instant and s. strode to/ard Jac04s chair. @9o very nice to )eet you. Jac0 and I /ere alone again. and then bris0ly /al0ed u. )y .ic0ed u.@ @<f course. @8ou loo0 /onderful. As I turned around. @It4s great to see you. and for a )o)ent. his bro0en ca)era and disa. 3hen I arrived outside in the hall.@ he said. I began to leave. I heard a scuffle of feet behind )e. He and E/a began /al0ing bac0 to the ballroo).0ins that he had .urse and ran to/ard the corridor. I 5uic0ly introduced Anders " he re)e)bered E/a fro) =astad " but there /as no ti)e for conversation. s)ile.er na. 8<>F I folded it in half and gave it to the /aiter. they had co)e after )e. as clearly as I could* 93EDI9H B<2IEEA 9I77INB IN .. @3ait. /hich he unfolded and read in one )ove)ent. Jac0 stood alone. and s)ashed it onto the floor. loo0ing into )y eyes.a.latfor). .ed aside and conferred /ith another /aiter.or )ere seconds. he e)braced )e 5uic0ly and 0issed )e on both chee0s.
because it /as the truth. In those /onderful. and loo0ed across the /ater churning belo/.resident of the >nited 9tates. beco)e .en for hi). intense blue eyes I sa/ again the Mediterranean 9ea.eo. too. If that4s /hat he /anted. a.s for baby clothes and toys. outside. =ut I had begun another cha. the gang. and the tenderness of his 0isses.ologi:ed.endent.ter.erienced in less than a fraction of a second. then this /as such a )o)ent.le. too. so strong. I4d fallen in love /ith the >.lace " our third and our final good"bye. chilly as it /as. I .. I /as flooded /ith the thrill of his e)brace once )ore. since he4d assu)ed I4d boarded )uch earlier. 9ch/ar:. fro) =on/it"7eller and 9a0s . He reached to/ard )e and brushed the loc0 of hair fro) )y forehead. As Ne/ 8or0 faded into the distance. I /ondered if Jac0 /as still there. and the stars above =astad. told )e it /as ha. And the loo0 on his face. I 0ne/ )y last .@ and the follo/ing day " the date of our de.arture fro) Ne/ 8or0 " I set out early to co)b Manhattan4s sho. I said. =ut I cal)ed hi) do/n. 7here /as the 9tatue of Eiberty. =ut it all too0 . and his destiny. one heart.lace inside )e. He turned 5uic0ly and /al0ed through the door into a roo) full of a thousand . and the bay belo/ 96ostugan /here /e s/a). No one sa/ us. I follo/ed )y husband and )y sister bac0 to our table.ly.ifth Avenue to =loo)ingdale4s and EA. I /al0ed around aft of the shi. dyna)ic. /as already under /ay. My thoughts re)ained on Jac0 for the rest of that night and even into the ne't )orning. one day.ening to hi). If there is such a thing as ti)e ceasing to e'ist. My future stretched before )e.ression said everything I needed to 0no/. for 6ust a )o)ent. At first Anders /as furious /ith )e. softly into the /ind.rayed it /ould ha.lan0s had been re)oved. as if he had ga:ed into )y soul for that sa)e instant. one )ind. @9ee you again. Jac0 had his life before hi).arting fro) Jac0 ?ennedy had ta0en . I /as so distracted that I )issed the e)bar0ation of the Stockholm sailing bac0 to Bothenburg that evening. <ur )idday coc0tail /ith 9erge led to lunch at @#(.9.ac0ages in our cabin and told Anders that I /anted to ste.A. inde. his a)bitions. and free. his ho. if an eternity can be e'.@ 7his ti)e.His e'.es. and he /as the father of the baby gro/ing in side of )e.ilot boat. .. tugboats at /or0 guiding the huge vessel into the harborF I had to be ta0en out to board by a . and said I loved hi). <ne )e)ory. =eyond the /ide /a0e /as the s0yline of Manhattan. I felt the /ar)th of his body ne't to )ine. I left )y bags and . Maybe he /ould. A)erica. He /as a /onderful )an /ho cared for )e dee.<. I 0ne/ I /ould return so)eday. 7o )y horror. and the shi.
L)-I. I lit one @for absent friends. and turned bac0 to/ard our stateroo). As )y eyes beca)e accusto)ed to the cool. and a /onderful father. Ed/ard4s 1hurch this )orning and /ent in. <f course. I regained )y strength and even )anaged to acco). 8ou /ould have been seventy"nine. I gave birth to our first daughter.ast." May #-. =ut I /as filled /ith your . All /e had /as our brief . I too0 one last loo0 at Ne/ 8or0 before it /as lost in the fog. 0ind. I /anted to feel close to you before starting. . 7his is a letter I have been longing to /rite to you ever since our last )eeting in Ne/ 8or0 thirty"eight years ago. 3e na)ed her Andrea. I didn4t.any Anders and his co)rades on hunting and fishing tri. And so )any candlesF I decided they /ere for you. And so )any others4. )y lifelong drea)s.rotective. and )y thoughts gre/ . but his first /ife. 8ou /ent there often /hen you /ere staying /ith your fa)ily in Pal) =each. =ut there they /ere. but I hung in. . Mi))i. after all. Anders had al/ays en6oyed .s I /as .I /as going to be a good )other.raying.iloting s)all aircraft.@ I sat in one of the . but he /as . red and /hite carnations every/here. P"LM /*"$0. I /aited until this day to begin.e/s. dar0 interior.resence. I sa/ that it /as filled /ith flo/ersF I don4t really 0no/ the reason. I gre/ to love Anders in a /ay I never drea)ed . Perha. And you /ere to have such a brief future. (--I *y =ear -ack. because I4) not 1atholic.ulling )y big sha/l around )y shoulders and nec0 to /ard off the da). because it is your birthday. and than0 Bod I li0e sal)onF It /as a good life.s no/ and then. I couldn4t have /ritten it then.rofound. 8es. I re)inded )yself that these /ere.ossible. It /ore )e out. he /as different fro) you as the fire of a volcano is fro) the salt of the earth. and a good /ife. because /e had no /ay of 0no/ing /hat /as to co)e. I don4t 0no/. I thought it /asn4t fair to deny hi) anything . and cold Atlantic air. discouraged hi) fro) flying. so I drove over to 9t. After our return to 9/eden.
@8ou can4t hunt. @If you /ant )ore. a s0i resort.le.ort.erstitions /ere strong.lane.eared. Anders fle/ a borro/ed . thirty )inutes fro) our house.ression on ?a6sa4s face as I had at dinner the night before. I sa/ that sa)e rather frightened e'.easant /ith si). I /anted another baby. ?a6sa /as running through the dining roo).@ I /as stunned. =ut there /as a . <ur coo0. 9he barely )issed s/i. and la0es of his do)ain. @7he strange ani)al in the house. Mean/hile. I /ent to investigate. 7he t/o cro/s Mr.leasure& it /ould have been li0e saying. old beliefs.ed and circled over the forests.ed do/n and disa. 3e returned ho)e to 76iill and a/aited delivery of the ne/ Dornier. Mrs.lanned to fly to Are. It4s very bad.lane.@ @=adC@ @It4s a bad o)en. rivers. 9he /as /onderful and bright.on before the creature 6u). 7he ne't )orning. =ut although I usually acco). E0)an. and )ade hissing noises.stairs to Andrea. and although Anders said he4d had enough children fro) his first )arriage. ?a6sa brought in the sou.ened today /hile I /as s0iing. It rose on its haunches. I /on4t let you s0i. I 0ne/ I had conceived. /e both arose early. but I /ent bac0 u.@ 9o he too0 it u. on this occasion I told hi) I . but I said nothing. E0)an sa/. and I as0ed her /hat /as going on. Andrea and too0 her to the /indo/.ortant for a )an overseeing thousands of trees.lane " a t/o"engine Dornier. because he .anied hi).referred to stay at the house and care for little Andrea to give our nanny.. He /as so close that I could see hi) . ?a6sa. A huge /ild cat. I loved flying /ith hi).that gave hi) such . And I thin0 it4s a good ti)e no/. /aving a broo). Eess than a half hour after he drove off.@ <n our last night in Munich.@ I thought I sa/ a strange loo0 on ?a6sa4s face.eculiar thing ha. he said. the sound of Anders4s . /as a northern .it by his side /hile he s/oo.. so)e ti)e to herself. flying lo/ over the house.ic0ed u. again. @A . At our dinner on March #-.ing it s)artly /ith her /ea. 6ust as Anders /as saying. had so)eho/ entered the house and /as sitting on the dining roo) table. and in (-I0 /e /ent to Munich to buy a ne/ . Mo)ents later. I heard a co))otion do/nstairs. one /e had never seen before. 8ou can4t fish. Hilda. called ?ra)fors. I4) all for it. Anders4s . I sa/ t/o blac0 cro/s.laying on our bedroo) floor. too& it afforded hi) a loo0out for fires " i). I . (-I0. and her su. could be heard. /ho /as . belted into the coc0.racti cal side to this s.lane /as hangared at an airstri.
@ the boy said. I /ent to Eondon for a change of scenery. and I bla)ed )yself because I hadn4t insisted that he sto. @I see an e'. bringing the .. Daisy 1arter. And then that su))er of (-I0. Mr. 9he /elco)ed )e into her s)all but char)ing Maida . flying.ersonnel of his co).ianist as /ell. /hile there.uttering crac0le. so)e sort of accident. the ?e). I rushed out of the house. He is no longer /ith us.ut her do/n to .ly caring father and a sincere. Along the edge of the grounds of 76iills Bird flo/s the Anger)analven 2iver.ed )e. @=ut /here is Mr. I felt lost and alone. It is your husband. A fe/ )inutes later there /as an odd noise.ening to )e. @3here is Mr. =ac0 in our bedroo).@ My heart /as racing.letely gone fro) )e. sto. 9he had advised )any /orld leaders. I 0e. but it /asn4t done. =olander.@ he said. Anders had ordered the cable re)oved for the /inter.ale flat.@ I e'. <ur northern neighbors.ected /o)an. had left us. Ho/ could anything destroy )y strong husband. I thin0 it /as hi). Daisy 1arter /as legiti)ate. 9he loo0ed at )e for several )inutes. As I a. 9he /as 0indly and serene. and his lo/"flying . suggested I go to see an English .era singer and . I held u. and the . @but there isn4t )uch left of Mr. A loved one is inside. staring at hi) in shoc0.losion.roached the fla)es. not only a )ediu).t screa)ing. /hich the natives cross in the /ar)er )onths on a little ferry that is guided by a cable strung across the /ater bet/een t/o . I /as indeed . He screa)ed out.a6a)as and night robe. but an o.sychic.. He couldn4t see the /ire against the sno/. I felt as though I /as having a night)are. Daisy 1arter /as 5uite elderly by then. 7here /as a huge funeral. Anders. A car or so)ething else is burning. E0)anC@ <ur )anager. E0)an. a dee. =ut Anders /asn4t co).. 3iii6a Dyniis. li0e a )uffled crash. a fire.es told )e she /as a very fa)ous and res.regnant again. and I . Jac0. grieving for )y husband. I )ade an a.ed for a )o)ent. . And no/ )y /hole /orld /ent to . /ho /as =ritain4s foreign )inister.. I touched his . @I4) sorry. E0)anC@ @I sa/ so)ething on four legs cra/l out. and tributes fro) )any of his friends.any. As I started to run do/n the stairs. @7he .eared over the /oods.through the /indshield.e fa)ily. and one of the founders of NA7<.lay again.. 7hen she said. I re)ained shattered for )onths. Everyone /as terribly 0ind. 7his couldn4t be ha. and I sat before her. And I told her ho/ guilty I felt.ro. )y baby4s hand and /e both /aved as he disa. generous )an.lane do/n. 7/enty /o)en /ho /or0ed for Anders ca)e to the house /ith flo/ers.lained. including Ernest =evan... I4ve never run so fast in )y life.ieces. and then a s. having thro/n on a /ar) coat over )y nightgo/n. a little boy in a 0nitted red hat ca)e running u. 7he ?e). Eabour Party leader. still /ar).ylons.lane is on fireF@ I sto.ellers got caught in the line. so full of life and vigorC It /as a frea0 accident.oint)ent.
3e have little to do /ith these things. you are not alone. No/ the /orld 0no/s /hat .@No.@ I said. And /hen it is ti)e for you to go. Bunilla. I thin0 your courage /as li0e a great curtain that you dre/ across yourself to hide your . had 6ust been snatched out of )e. 2osina. No/ I /as truly touched and had tears in )y eyes. A 0ing. @8ou are carrying his baby. 9o I )oved bac0 to 9toc0hol). you died in your glory. called and told )e to turn on the television.lanet. but I 0ne/ it.ainted /alls fro) the eighteenth"century.@ I said to )yself.endency on the shots that Dr. It /as e'traordinarily beautiful.art)ent on the grounds of Drottninghol) 1astle.ain you endured all of your life. )y entire soul.. Jac0. . thin0ing of you. Ma' Jacobson gave to you in Ne/ 8or0 in the early (-I0s.alace.regnancy yet. 7hey said you /ere /arned not to go to Dallas. you have your /hole life in front of you. I stayed in the north for t/o )ore years. and I /as very luc0y to get the . I felt li0e an e). and felt it. s. 3ith so)eone of /orld i). /ith hand" . 9he leaned to/ard )e.@ she said /ith a s)ile.@ <n Dece)ber ##. not you.lace. )y dear. too. 2e)e)ber.ty shell.s " /ho 0no/sC@ 9he loo0ed at )e again. and I hadn4t told anyone about )y . =ut Jac0. and . but /hen I reali:ed that you had been shot and 0illed. /as born. 7he vision of Anders4s .t you going as long as .le have not been 0ind about that . any/ay.s you /ould not have lived so )uch longer. the big house /as lonely.irit. /hile /e /ere together.lane crash returned li0e a sudden night)are. Jac0. I turned off the set. Perha. Even though I had )y children to care for. both of )y children /ere eating an early su. <n a /intry day in late Nove)ber of (-I3. @<h Bod. E/a. or a head of state. 7he ne/s /as devastating. and the 76iill staff.acious a.@ @Maybe I already )et hi).eo.ortance. 8our husband )ight have 6ust as easily fallen do/n the ste. and the friends I4d )ade. no/ a 6ournalist. I have read )uch about your later de. but to tell the truth.hysical suffering. At first I thought it /as Jac5ueline. =ut )aybe that doctor saved your life and 0e. A love is co)ing. I found a /onderful. I4) not /riting this to 6udge.eriod. =ut a very fa)ous )an. @7here4s so)eone else. And then I cried. My sister. and I too0 a )o)ent to rela' in )y bedroo). in the cavaliers4 5uarters near the ?ing4s . but you /ent any/ay. because it /asn4t sho/ing at all. for t/o lost loves. Anders4s second daughter. @Bunilla. you go.er.ossible. as if )y s. <n the day you are born it is decided /hen you are going to leave the . dearest.
I felt 6oy for having 0no/n you. 7he other /as dear little Ian. It4s a/fully lonely do/n there. /here you li0ed to buy ice crea). I re)e)bered reading )any years earlier about the death of your o/n son. I have this . /as an A)erican. 7a0e care. and I /ill never forget you. studying to be an actor. and in death. and sent you all )y love. 3hen I buried hi).t in @the ?ennedy 2oo).lace in Pal) =each because )y second husband. I turned around and drove to/ard your fa)ily4s old )ansion. but it /ill al/ays re)ind )e of you.lace.arted. you touched his coffin and said softly.lorida sunlight. 6ust around your birthday in (--$. you ca)e to )e in a drea).ened. for having e'. I sat u. since I no/ loved everything A)erican and /anted to live in the >nited 9tates. as I lay in bed. )e)ories flooded bac0 to )e. He had a great 6oy and :est for life..ilgri)age to the eternal fla)e in Arlington. thin0ing of you and the love /e shared. living in Ne/ 8or0. I 0nelt do/n ne't to your grave. He calls the roo) you sle.e/ at 9t. @Jac0. /ho died in )y ar)s of leu0e)ia after living only seven )onths. @Bood"bye.laced a single red rose there for you. 3hen Patric0 =ouvier ?ennedy /as lo/ered into the ground.<nly a year ago. Bustav4s son offered )e that roo).resident of I=M and. As s)all as he /as. he gave )e great strength. <n )y return visit. he refused to get out of the car.ast Breen4s drugstore. /hat on earth are you doing hereC 7han0 you for /atching over )e. 3e had t/o sons. and /hy I /anted to do it* to say that you /ere often )isunderstood. A fe/ years ago. .t it e'actly as it /as /hen you and I /ere there. In the )iddle of the night.. and that your 0indness and goodness changed )y life. no/ o/ned by so)eone else. our @far)er@ host. =ut he /as /edded )ore to his career than to )e. and I4ll be /ith you all the /ay. @7ell our story and /rite /hat ha. He /as a vice . I /as dra/n to this )an . He 6ust couldn4t hold on to it very long. I /al0ed bac0 out into the . is still alive. and /e .erienced /hat /as truly inside your soul. /as considerably older than I. Bustav Hage)ann. 8ou 0ne/ about this boo0. I /as a/a0ened by the sound of so)ething falling. these are the thoughts that /ent rushing through )y )ind /hile I sat in that . Heavy /ith grief. 7orby /as unable to say a /ord. 3isner Miller. li0e Anders. I /as filled /ith ad)iration for Jac5ueline and /hat she had done for you in life.@ . And his eyes /ere so blue and said so )uch. As I a. Ed/ard4s 1hurch this )orning. 7hat night.. I drove .artly because of you. 8ou said. 3hen I returned to the car.roached your resting . and together /e )ade a . 3isner Miller III is no/ in his late t/enties. and recently turned ninety. I could not sto. 9tic0 to the truth.@ I found 7orby MacDonald again.@ Dear Jac0. I /ent bac0 to 2uuthsbo. Jac0.@ and he has 0e. I love you. It see)ed as though so)e one /ere in the roo).
and Bavin4s cards sto.. <ver forty years ago. )y dear Jac0.@ 7oday. and )any others. My second husband. 3hen the ti)e co)es for )e to return to you.er the sa)e )essage u. Eove al/ays.My . but I failed. you /rote about /hat /e had shared. I tried to find hi) in England.arents have gone to /here you are no/. into the heavens.ed co)ing years ago. I e'changed 1hrist)as cards for a long ti)e /ith 7orby. '3 #ientot ' >ntil then. @8ou are wonderful and I )iss you. too. 7orby has left us. 8ou said it /as one of your )ost vivid recollections. Bunilla . I can4t say it any better than that. In your last letter. I4ll /his. /hile I /aited for you in 9/eden. and /ith Bavin 3elby. And you ended by saying. you sent )e a telegra) fro) aboard shi. And you /ill hear )e. And E/a. /ho died after in6uries fro) an accident in =arbados.
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