You are sitting at work, bored, picking your nose (that’s what you do at work, right?
), listening to the radio, when you start hearing disturbing news. Bankers have gone crazy, and are biting people. Their victims turn green, and then soon turn into bankers. A banker-calypse is ravaging the country, and millions are dead, or have been turned into bankers. You hear gun shots from the window, and reports of martial law being declared. You call your wife in panic, but the phone isn’t working. And then you hear screams right outside your office. Question 1: What do you do? A. Tighten your tie and trousers, and step outside. “Excuse me! I am the manager in charge of managing, and I will not have this in my office!” B. Hide in the cupboard. They won’t find you there, will they? C. Escape from the fire exit! Answers A. Unless they gave you a black belt in Karate and a machine gun with your manager certificate, congrats, your are toast. B. Unless your cupboard has a secret exit to Narnia, your are dead meat. And if it does, congratulations. You have just introduced zombie bankers to Narnia. Great move, dickhead. C. Bravo. You have survived. For now. Question 2: You run to the parking, but find the bankers have surrounded it. They are ignoring all the cheap cars, and are bumping against the expensive cars. You see three bankers trying to hump your Mercedes. What do you do? A. No one touches your Mercedes, or your wife! You go forward to have a stern word with the bankers. B. You steal a cheap car, and escape. C. You take the bus. No banker would be seen dead in it (pun intended). Answers A. Darwin’s Law of Evolution just got proved right once more. Not that it matters to you, as you’re dead. B & C – You survive in both these cases. Question 3: Your car / bus breaks down in the middle of the city. You’re not going anywhere anyway, as the roads are blocked and people rioting. You see a group of hippies, who look like they haven’t bathed for weeks, forming a assault group. They are saying someone should stand up to the bankers, and ask you to join them. What do you do? A. You take out your shotgun, and put on your dark sun glasses. Always wanted to to fight evil. You then make an inspiring speech about how evil triumphs when good people do nothing. All the hot ladies surround you. B. You run away, like the stinking coward you are. Answers This was a trick question, and I bet half of you are dead. A. You start shooting the zombie bankers. But then the Army turns up. You see, bankers and banks are too important to be allowed to fail. Bankers have been declared an endangers species, and the Army has orders to kill anyone harming the bankers. You and your hippie friends from the OWS are mowed down. B. Well done. When the Banker-calypse is on, running away is the only brave thing to do.
Question 4: You run home, taking the back roads. You are almost home, and are only a road away from your house. But that road is blocked by hundreds of bankers, all walking around in a daze, mumbling, “Bonus. Must have bonus.” What do you do? A. This is the time to use your Kung Fu. You take off your underwear and put it on top of your trousers (like any super hero would do). Time to kick zombie ass! B. You leave your wife and run away. C. You take out a wad of cash. “Hey bankers! Here’s your bonus. Come and get it! Good kitty!” Answers A. You beat the crap out of bankers, flinging them in the air like Neo from the Matrix. Then you use your deadly fire breath attack, and the bankers are blown to bits. To finish it all off, you clap your hands, and thunder falls from the sky, burning the remaining bankers. Just kidding. You are dead. B. Your wife is bitten, and turns into a banker. She becomes the richest person in the country, while you live the rest of your life eating from a garbage dump. The End for you. C. Smart thinking! The bankers are distracted by the bonus money, and ignore you. You run home. Question 5: You make it home, inches from being bitten by bankers. You rush in and close the door, and call out for your wife. But something is wrong. Your wife isn’t responding, and you hear banker moaning from the kitchen. You take out your gun. A. Open the kitchen door, and try to see who is there. B. You knock on the kitchen door. “Honey, it’s me! You there?” C. You take off your watch. “Say, this Rolex cost me only $50. You think I got a great deal?” Answer A. The banker hiding behind the door bites you. Congrats. You will spend the rest of your life creating derivatives you can use to steal money from the taxpayer. B. And the banker jumps out and bites you. Seriously, are you stupid? C. Well done. The banker runs out, screaming, “It’s fake! You can’t get a Rolex that cheap.” You shoot him, of course. Question 6: You run up the stairs and find your wife. After the requisite crying and hugging, you pack your stuff and prepare to leave. But you open the door to find thousands of bankers and the Army. The bankers are threatening to leave the country and move to China if they are not allowed to bite you and suck your blood. The government has declared that protecting the banks is priority number one, as they are too big to fail. You are labelled a terrorist, public enemy number one. What do you do? A. Kill your wife, and then yourself. You’d rather die than become a banker. B. You throw wads of cash outside, and shout, “Here’s your bonus!” And try to make a run for it. C. You declare yourself a bank, and create out billions of dollars of derivatives with the big banks. And then you declare yourself too big to fail, warning if you go down, the economy goes down. Answer A. A possible answer, but a sad ending. B. Nope. You get captured and turned into a banker. You didn’t think it would work twice, did you? C. Bravo! The bankers leave you alone, as now you are one of them. But you are not, cause you are a banker in name only. You still have your soul.
Question 7: The bankers have taken over the country. All industries have closed, there are no jobs, the farms have turned to dust. But officially the economy is booming, as there is a lot of financial engineering and inter-bank trading going on.People are starving on the streets, and you are also finding it hard to make ends meet. What do you do? A. Move to China. B. You release a pop album. With all the musicians dead, you reach the top of the charts within minutes. C. You build a time machine, go back in time and kill Hitler. D. You wake up, and realize it was all a dream. You had killed your wife, and made up the whole story to cover your guilt. E. You dig up Karl Marx’s grave, and build a anti-banker serum from his blood. You then spread it all over the country, till the banker virus is cured. Answer A. The bankers turn up in China next week. Wrong answer. B. I like your style, but that won’t stop the bankers, will it? C. Sorry bud, you are in the wrong story. This is the world-ending-survival story. D. Sorry again, but wrong story once more. E. Congrats! You fix the banker virus, for now. Question 8: You have saved the world and become a hero. You have won the Nobel Prize, the Time mag Person of the Year award, become a Lord, elected to the parliament. In short, you’ve had it made. You are going to work (the parliament now), skipping and singing “Girl’s just wanna have fun”, when something weird happens. A time vortex opens, and evil monkeys from the future step out. They say, “<Insert your name here>, you have brought peace to the Earth, and ruined the future. So we will kill you!” What do you do? This question is left as an exercise to the reader. Did you enjoy that? For more fun stuff, come say hello at http://shantnutiwari.com