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Love On Purpose Revolution: Lisa Steadman
[Intro Music] Orna Walters: Hi. I'm Orna Walters. Matthew Walters: And I'm Matthew Walters. Orna: We are your hosts for the Love on Purpose Revolution. Matthew: And our goal is to bust the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident. Orna: We have brought together our top experts to guide you to the process of creating love on purpose. Matthew: And tonight, we're so thrilled to have with us, the Woohoo woman herself, Lisa Steadman. Lisa Steadman is an internationally acclaimed bestselling author, sought-after speaker, results coach and CEO of Woohoo, Inc. Lisa is a frequent media contributor, having appeared on The Today Show, The Tyra Banks Show, iVillage Live, The Fran Drescher Show, Playboy Radio, and New Zealand's Good Morning. She has also contributed content to a variety of websites including Yahoo! Shine, MSN.com, iVillage.com, the Huffington Post, and More.com. Orna: Woo, that means that you're staying busy and we are so excited you managed to fit us into your schedule because I know you have a lot of great tidbits to help people out there and we're just excited to have you tonight on the Love on Purpose Revolution. Welcome, Lisa. Lisa Steadman: Woohoo! Hi, guys! Thanks for having me. Matthew: Thank you. We're so excited. So we're talking tonight about marriage and about meeting that guy and how to really get into that space. So why don't we just jump right into that and start looking at what makes a happy, loving, healthy relationship? Lisa: I love that. Can we talk about what makes a happy, loving relationship? I love this conversation. Matthew: I think we have too. Lisa: Yeah, one of the things that I don't think people talk about enough - and it is a four-letter word - is fair, being fair. Like when we find somebody and we start dating them and things are going really well and then you have that first misunderstanding or you have an issue, what about fairness, are you being fair? That is such a true testament to who a person is and how to love on purpose if you both agree to always come from a place of being fair. I think that's really a good starting point. Orna: I like that.
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Lisa: Yeah, and I've got to tell you I had to put this in practice with my husband when we showed up at LAX on a Friday night to go to the Caribbean and realized his passport was expired. So I had to be fair and go, "Oh, I love you anyway. Where else are we going to go? Where..." and so we went to Hawaii instead. Matthew: Well, that's a pretty good compromise. Lisa: Well, it was a great lesson to me because I said to him, a little startled after we figured everything out and fixed everything and went into problem solving mode and - I never got mad but I said to him, "You know it's so interesting because in other relationships this would have been cause for breaking up or at least like shame and blame for like six months." So I really appreciate and give him 95 percent credit for the fairness peace because that was something that he really introduced me to. I had never been in a relationship that was fair and I appreciate that so much about my marriage and I think that it's something that just is undervalued. We think about hot sex or we think about shared values. Those things are important, but what about being fair because on a daily basis stuff is going to come up, and over a lifetime, a lot of stuff is going to come up? So if you approach everything from a point of view of it's not about blaming anyone when something goes wrong, it's not about taking stuff out on somebody else, it's about being fair, you can navigate anything from that space. Orna: Oh, I love that. I love that idea of letting fairness be your guide. I think Matthew and I use another F word for that which is forgiveness. Lisa: Oh, that's a good one too. I was just watching the first Sex and The City movie again the other night and it really... the first time it didn't really hit me, but the movie was about forgiveness and I love that. Matthew: Wow, that's... Orna: Well, I think this whole idea of fairness and forgiveness is really about the bigger vision of what do you really want. What's really the goal of your marriage? What's the common goal that you guys share and also about how to navigate those things because let's face it. We are going to disappoint one another. We are going to sometimes be in a mood bad or what Matthew and I like to call crunchy, you know we have a crunchy day. Now I know if he's having... He's crunchy that day, all right, I'm just going to give him some space to be in the - whatever space he wants to be in. I think when you spend day in and day out with somebody you start to sort of assume that... and I think the assumption place is a really bad place to be in a marriage, wouldn't you agree? Lisa: You know, never assume anything. I'm a big believer in communication. I'm also a big believer in managing your expectations because I think expectations are the killer especially on the dating scene when you're looking to find like that perfect partner for you. It's those expectations that will kind of sabotage us every time because we just... we want it to be perfect or we expect him to read our mind or we expect the person to be without faults and it's like you know what? You're an imperfect person so chances are you're going to fall in love with an imperfect person. When you set those expectations so that it's not quite so intense or high or needing the fairy tale or elves, that's a great place
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love on purpose. Orna: Awesome advice.." because that's setting the scene for a failure or for the dismantling of your relationship. I would either be divorced or I'd be in jail because I would have killed him. If you want to get married. so tell us more about what you think love on purpose is and how that works? Lisa: Well. We think that it's got to be marriage or bust and we stop thinking about the fact that maybe I should really be focused on having a healthy relationship. If you're going to get married. great! Start with really getting clear in you mind "You know what? Yeah. but I don't recommend anyone going into a marriage going. a ring and a wedding. right? So I started to feel really like my choices weren't being celebrated. So one of the things that happen as we get older especially as we start to see everyone else coupling up and we start to think I've got to do it now or else I'm behind schedule. it's really important to choose wisely.. love on purpose.and this is the purpose of this summit . © Moving Light Media. Lisa: Amen to that. The movies all end with the wedding. Yes. I would like to walk down an aisle and have all my friends look at my pretty dress and all of those things but at the end of the day what I really want is healthy. It never would have worked because we just were not an energetic match. great! If you want to have kids. as you both say. you can get divorced. I can always get divorced. a baby shower. Orna: Yeah. right? "How To Meet Your Husband" and let's talk for a moment about. They literally made products for families so I was the token single girl in a department of 50. if marriage is important to you. Oh. whole love and that means love on purpose. No single girl shower. And I wholeheartedly believe this and I'm being totally transparent here. 2011 . happy. And so we start to think that the end goal is getting married. Well. let's talk for a moment about this whole idea about the real reasons that you want to be married? Lisa: Yes.3 to start from too." but in real life that's where everything really begins. So I think it's really important to get your head wrapped around the idea of your ultimate goal which I hope . I would like a ring and yeah. So being with the wrong person is a big waste of time and Property of Moving Light Media. yeah. it's going to be too late. whatever the belief is. It really does so. you get the "I do.. It stops being about purpose and really it becomes about a hunt for a man.p. I mean like weekly it was a wedding shower. right? It's being clear on what you want and who you want to be and who you want to be with. Inc. some kind of shower. I know certainly with your work that's really what you're talking about." Matthew: That's so great and I really love that you're sort of jumping on board with it. right? You get the guy. "Well. I think that's really great.is love on purpose. So let's tell them this whole idea because you have your new book. So everybody we've talked to has a slightly different angle on that idea. let me start by sharing a little bit about my own story and when I was in my mid to late 20s I worked at a company that was very family friendly. life is really short. Everyone else was married or engaged. I hope your ultimate goal is love on purpose. Most people were having babies. that can create a lot of problems because let's face it. Inc.. Had I married any other guy I'd ever dated.
I see people who are in the right relationship and quite frankly. their businesses struggle. they get emotionally worn down. how do I want love to feel. you know. love was frustrating. "In those last relationships here's what worked. I've dated rich. what you want. it doesn't matter your age.4 energy and I've got to tell you I see this a lot." What if he lives in China? How are you going to find him? Matthew: Exactly. we have to look at our past and go. love was challenging." I believe in the one closest to you who's perfect for you because it's really. However. © Moving Light Media. I've dated older. I see people who are in challenging relationships where on a daily basis they're not supported. Property of Moving Light Media. how tall he is. I don't believe there's just one perfect person. here's what didn't. but there is somebody perfect for each and everyone of us out there and let me be clear. it doesn't matter your weight. Inc. challenging and frustrating and men who could never meet my needs because I believe that wasn't possible. "What worked? What didn't work?" If you really want to love on purpose . you can have it. there's only one person out there for me. how does he make you feel? This is essential because so many women think he's got to be six feet tall and drive whatever and have this much in the bank. No. love was difficult. Lisa: So it's really about getting clear about who you are. And what I'd realized was I was walking around with a set of beliefs that said love was hard. I did not believe in "the one.I know I say I love a guy who's the life of the party. they're healthier. It's my Libra that I'm seeking balance all the time and really striving for that. their business has flourished. it doesn't matter your geographical location. I always say. they're exhausted. but what if he were short but he rocked your world and loved you and supported you and celebrated you? All of those things that we think are this vision. what kind of car he drives. their happiness falters. but honestly with my personality. but more importantly. So at some point.and when I say love on purpose and my definition is if what you really want in life is to find the love of your life and I believe that if that is something you want. So guess what was showing up? Love that was hard. taking a relationship autopsy and saying. Inc. be very clear about what you're looking for and not what you're looking for in terms of what it looks like. "Oh. are they really what we want? Is that truly what's going to make us happy?" I'll tell you I've dated taller. we're clashing for attention all the time. I've dated all of it and most of it didn't make me very happy until I connected to gee." I know I say I love a guy . they are not going to be perfect because nobody's perfect. they're happier. dark and handsome. "You know what? I get that you want a man with money but how about a man who's good with money so it really doesn't matter what he makes? I get that you want someone who's tall. before you start that search. There's something to holding out for your perfect partner. 2011 . their health deteriorates and I think there's something to this. Also a guy who's the life of the party typically when he comes home is really moody and those mood swings really throw me off balance. you can find it.and this is my experience . if we say.p.
you look pretty. we've heard that line. "God damn it." Every time . © Moving Light Media. Because I had gotten very clear about what I wanted love to feel like and if this guy wasn't gay and he was interested in me. Receive the compliment. who you're being and how you want to feel and that's such a great example of that showing up in your life. "I'm very confused. We can easily find examples of cad.p. I'm like. but how do you guys do it? Lisa: Well. Have you. shorter and when I met him. "Oh my God. if you watch him do a good deed for someone else. and I used to believe that so here's the exercise of the day. instead of being like. Matthew: That's really awesome. whether you see him.. Now.I didn't lose weight. to really tune in to the good men in your everyday life. He was talking about cooking and we were sharing a love of David Sedaris." go. as we age. says. There are no good men left.. you guys have heard this I'm sure in your coaching practice. He was very well dressed. of the week. of the month. 2011 . celebrate him because that's a good man. Don't brush it off like "Oh yeah. Lisa: Yeah. yeah.easy. "Oh. easy. easy. When you're at the grocery store and some guy who has a full card of like diapers and stuff is in front of you and he let's you go first. this is so fun because if we've been single for a long time.. "Thank you. He looked 20." So it's time ladies. Say thank you. If you can do this for the rest of the summer. married or not." And then he asked for my number. honestly I thought he was gay. Inc. So how about if we make it just as easy to spot the good guys? Property of Moving Light Media." who are you going to notice? You're going to notice the guy who doesn't open the door for you. another great one is married.and I encourage you to do this daily .5 The minute I changed my beliefs . Inc. not the guy who's going." But here's why I gave him my number. it's going to change how you feel about men because if you're walking around going "There are no good men left. I didn't move all the things I thought I had to do. we start to believe and some of us believe more than others that there. Orna: Yeah. that's when amazing men showed up and that's when my husband showed up and I've got to tell you my husband's younger. jerks and bad boys . I'm like. That's really nice. sign me up because the way I felt talking to him felt really good. I appreciate that a good one is out there. it can start as simple as this: When you go to work and one of your co-workers whether he's gay or straight. this gay guy is so fabulous. I love the way you put that and it really is. "You look really nice today.. It's all about you. You're going to notice the guy who is ogling the girl with the big boobs.find something good in a man in your environment whether you know him. The minute I changed my belief and got really clear and purposeful. yeah." that's a good guy. single ladies on the call. You're going to notice the guy who picks up on the 20-year-old even though you're standing right there." Receive it. So how do women out there look for and celebrate these good men every day? How do we do that? How do you do that? I know I don't need to do it.
Whether they're very single. She hadn't for 10 years shown any signs that she was remotely interested in love based on her beliefs and so what she basically said was. I love this story. Lisa: It's going to be magnified. "Why bother? Those men suck." I love that. It's how we create our mate on purpose. she's a plus size girl. Lisa: OK. I used to think they got the last good ones. We had a great time. right. right? It's how we really do love on purpose. So my sister has two best friends in horrible marriages and these two best friends have been married for over 10 years each.you and I. Even scientists say if you're looking for a particular outcome in a science experiment.6 Orna: Oh." She's like spilling her guts and I was like. "What?" Because I didn't know she wanted love.and I know that they're there. I'm never going to find love. I know you're not married . I had Property of Moving Light Media. "You know what? Have a change in direction. Inc. right? So this is a reality of how we really create. Orna: Right and whatever we focus on grows and we hear all these things. "Oh my God. all men are jerks. I took her to Vegas and we did one last hoorah because she told me 40 was the death of her youth and I thought that was hilarious. It's too late. didn't catch the only last two good guys out there. I didn't believe she was serious. Lisa. that was true for you. It wasn't true. Lisa: Yes. I took her to Vegas. have a change in what you're looking for and start celebrating all of these good men that are around you because they do exist. Orna: Right. I know that's not true. it doesn't matter. 2011 . if you're like. It's how we really get intentional because when you start appreciating all of these good men that are all around us . Lisa: We did not and I used to believe that my girlfriends did. And this is so true because what you do believe will show up so again. Lisa. © Moving Light Media. no kidding. And what you're sharing here is so powerful so that if you're listening to this and you're single and you catch yourself and this resonates with you. so my sister spent her entire 30s not dating because she was like. We're size 14 girls in a size zero city so you can search and do the math and feel like your odds are really stacked against you. Inc. I've got to tell you. I love that.p. Well. I'm screwed. It's so true because whatever we're looking for we're going to find. One fuzzy navel and she's drunk because she never drinks and she's like. I have to tell a very quick story here about my sister. And on her 39th birthday a couple of years ago." then all you're going to see is the jerky men." And I thought. my sister also happens to live in Los Angeles and like me. "It's over for me. I'm never going to get married. "It's over for me. but you know what? While you were believing that. So my sister didn't date for 10 years. you're more likely to find it if you're looking for it. "Oh. I'm never going to have babies. Lisa has given you such a great golden nugget here to say. gay or straight. Can I tell a story about how my sister met her boyfriend? Orna: Absolutely." Now.
what are you going to tell me?" trying not to panic. "Uh-oh. "I've been praying to God for six months to send me my Louis. yes and they can happen for you too. I'm too fat. that just forget it. And so for her 39th year. it's over." I said. She did nothing different. a year and a half later. deliriously.7 no idea you wanted those things. OK. I'm too screwed up. "Oh. I took her to lunch. Inc. nothing changed. with what your sister now has is that the good relationships do exist." And I'm thinking. She respects it and she realized. if you know my sister." Nothing good ever starts with "I have to tell you something. And so many people ." So I'm just kind of nodding and making sure she doesn't throw up because she doesn't drink well.com and I have a lunch date next week with a guy and his name is Louis." And first of all. all of my friends are in really bad relationships.p. And I was like. "I have to tell you something. Inc." So she has been praying for her Louis for six months. Lisa: Well. but there's a different model. She works in Century City so I took her to lunch and we're sitting across from each other at lunch and she says. I'm too old. I was like. "You know. And then on her 40th birthday. "Well. So start focusing on that. you know that those words don't come out of her mouth." Now. I've been praying to God for six months. "Really? You've been praying about what?" She said. "Oh. 2011 . "It's too late for me. Orna: That is so true about that power and I think it's interesting you were bringing up Property of Moving Light Media. She loves my husband. It's so ridiculous. "And I've been doing match." And she said." it's not true and it will only be true as long as you believe it. She loves our relationship." And so if nothing else on this call. And I really love to hear that kind of story because Orna and I always talk about in our story that we didn't get married until after 40. For anyone out there who's saying.and we have a client who we were speaking to yesterday and who really says. © Moving Light Media. yeah. what we want everybody to see is with our relationship. I know my best friends have crappy marriages." Matthew: Wow. OK. with your relationship with Louis. right? Orna: Yeah. didn't go on any dates. Matthew: That's such a great story. She said. Orna: Wow. "Well. happily dating. Matthew: It's like that number for some reason holds so much power in our culture that you hit 40 and if you haven't been married and you haven't had kids and you haven't whatever. she and Louis are deliciously. It's so ridiculous to think that. what she meant by that is my husband's name is Louis and my sister for the first time in her life had a model of a good relationship. Lisa: They do.
8 Los Angeles and all of that. just like you said." Lisa: Absolutely. in the way I filter for things and that shaped everything. I'm like. whether you see them in real life and they're real. that every single day try to find three good men that exists in your field . Women are going to think. We sort of mentioned a couple of things which is how Property of Moving Light Media.whether you see them on TV and they're fictional." So if you need to start with just one a day. © Moving Light Media." What I realized is that it was the way I was showing up. see? It wasn't that I changed location. I'm in my regular routine of everything. Inc. try it out. right? Orna: Yeah. So I had about six weeks in Los Angeles. And I remember several years ago before Matthew and I were together I had gone to New York actually to a film festival with a girlfriend and there I was in Manhattan and guys were asking me out. Guys were asking for my number. whether they're married. you know. Lisa: Yes. attracting men like flies and nothing had changed except the way I was behaving. It's that I changed who I was being and how I was being and that shifted everything. That's such a great tool. 2011 . just like you said. I literally went to Montana for a month. I better leave this town. single. I'm like. you know. start with one a day. I was on my way out of town when I met my husband. in the way I behave." And that summer. just try it as an experiment because I love that you're mirroring back. It seemed like everywhere we went there were men who were talking to me and I made a joke with my girlfriend that I was traveling with and I said. So let's go deeper with this idea. that you did the same thing basically. Maybe that's why I haven't met my guy yet. I decided during that six weeks that I was going to act. guys started asking for my number." So I decided to behave and love myself and treat myself well the way I did up there in Los Angeles and I was. I don't do winters so I cannot stay here this winter. Guys started asking me out and I was like. I love that example and I had a similar experience. at the beginning of the summer and at the end of the summer. There I was in a totally different environment showing up in a different way and what I received was totally different. Orna: And. "Well. I held onto that energy of being in a new space and lo and behold. When I got back home. maybe the secret is that I need to move. So I played this little experiment when I got back. like I acted in Montana where I was meeting men everywhere I went. I'm going to have to move somewhere. and I just want to chime in here. in the way I think. Lisa. I love this idea of celebrating good men everyday. I love the idea of threesome. Matthew: Awesome. Lisa. I'm a native Los Angelina. So just. this is what I really want the single ladies who are on this call and really looking for love and to create love purposefully. awesome. Matthew: So we're really talking about going out and meeting that man. "OK. Inc. celebrate that. I've got to work something out. born and raised here. "I can't even find one. straight.p. that when I'm in my regular routine. Maybe I'm just in the wrong city. "Oh. and I want these women who are listening right now to start implementing this ASAP. whatever. meeting "your husband" or whatever that relationship is so let's get into what's really holding people back from being able to do that.
so I want to steal this line. Lisa: Yes." I remember thinking that because it was easier to think that than say. where is he?' and turned up the volume on 'Where's the fabulous guy who's going to be a great match for me?'" So there's a lot of entitlement that shows up when we're kind of .and I love this. you're going to be right. It's about the belief system. What if we turn down the volume on the 'I'm fabulous. on the fabulousness. They are gorgeous. "Gosh.it's a defense mechanism almost like I'm going to be so fabulous to prove to you that it's OK to be single. if you think it's too late. but guess what? Most of them are still single and so it's not about looks. thinks that finding love has to be complicated. you might need to turn down the volume on the entitlement. whatever." No. What guy is going to be able to handle me?" And I'm like. "I'm just so fabulous." That's one of the big things I see women holding back because I've got to tell you.I've worked with them." I had another girl who was there who was like. And the truth is there are a couple of simple things that are holding you back. too fat.I kind of felt like they were all overcompensating. It's not about talent. If I were a man on a date with them. I know this woman thinks that love has to be complicated. "I buy cars and lease men. "Oh. They were all very intense. Property of Moving Light Media. But what if you could be wrong and happy? What if you could change your belief and step into the idea that "You know what? I'd actually rather be happy than right and alone so I'm going to choose to believe something different today. so I touched on this a little earlier and I'm so glad we're going to talk about it in more depth because so many women . And I thought. Just be you. Don't lead with "Here's why you should want to date me" or "Here's why I'm better than any other women you've ever met. Don't lead with it. 2011 . "Well.9 you're thinking about men and how you're behaving in your life on a daily basis. There's nothing wrong with being single and if you're ready to find love. They are successful. © Moving Light Media. sort of changing it up a little bit but let's go deeper into what's really holding you back.. They are talented. if you think you're too old. so you're basically walking around telling men they're temporary. I was the token married lady which is still a new experience for me and all of these women were amazing but you know what? They were all very masculine. She said. When I was single.p. This was brilliant. I'd probably wouldn't get a word in edgewise because I as a woman on a date with them couldn't get a word in edgewise and their gestures and their energy and their words and they were all loud and I was like . you are fabulous. Inc." And I thought. One is your beliefs about what's possible so again if you think there are no good men. nice single girls are hot. It's about the belief that it's possible. that's really funny but wow. just be you. "Well.. It's not about any of the things we think it's about. I've been this woman. I want to believe one's for me. I've got to tell you I was out with a group of single women a couple of weeks ago." One said . I love all of these women but why. I'm not saying don't be those things. Inc.
apartment for the first time. Inc. © Moving Light Media. They just were the best that happened so far and it's OK to let that go. that I hadn't talked to in a year but was still kind of holding my heart hostage and I knew that it wouldn't be fair to my husband to walk into a relationship with that.p. They're not free to let somebody new in because that space is already filled up with the energy of this past person that was in their life. Thanks for that.. That is so dangerous to our love's future because we're really putting our past on a pedestal and there's no room for anybody else. It's so true." So when I met my husband and I realized that I was going to fall in love with him I had to let the ghost of my ex go and I still remember the very long walk up a flight of stairs to go into my . I knew he was what I had asked for and so because of that.10 Here's the other thing that is so crucial for us all and I was so guilty of this when I was single. 12. Am I ready to let him go? So the flight of stairs may have only been 10. This might be the answer. We have our ex on a pedestal. this might be the end.now it's my husband's . We were going to go to some food festival downtown and so I'd met him at his place and he wanted me to come see the apartment and I thought. I get why we do it because sometimes it's hard to let go of the past before the future has shown up and it's a really conscious decision to let somebody go even though they were the best thing that ever happened to you romantically. "Oh my God." right? Instead. let's just Property of Moving Light Media. We always coach people that in breakups that you let go of this idea of "Let's transition immediately from a relationship to a friendship. Matthew: That's really such a powerful story. and that past person can take up a lot of space. I have to let him go in my heart because there's still a part of my heart that belongs to him and him alone and that wouldn't be fair to this new person. I mean it's so key. Lisa. I think. I wrote a book about him basically and I realized this long into my relationship with my husband that along the way I said to myself. This might be the one and what does that mean? Because it means I have to let go of my story with my ex and my story was that he was the one. It was my second date with my husband and I really knew that he was different from anyone I'd ever dated. We think he was the one and nobody measures up. I hear you on that. 2011 . "Am I ready to see a new guy's apartment? Am I ready to walk through that door? Am I ready to let someone in to my heart?" I realized as I walked up . I want to let him go. I hear this a lot with our clients. I still remember very clearly.and it wasn't a long flight of stairs but it sure felt like it because I realized if I walk through that door I have to once and for all let my ex go. I really knew he was emotionally available. It's really crucial to get over this one. Lisa: Yeah. So I let it go but it was a real conscious choice. "Well. I may not get my ex but I get the memory of him and that's why I was leading the charge for all this breakup stuff was because I wanted to hold on to something of him. 15 stairs but it felt like the longest flight of stairs ever because I was consciously letting go of one person that I hadn't seen in a year.. It doesn't mean they will be the best thing that will ever happen to you. I was terrified because I was like. Orna: Yup. a lot of real estate and it's a dangerous. Inc.
I met my husband in a bar and that's the other thing. © Moving Light Media. I was like. but I'm sure. It's about having your radar up and this is why it's important to recognize the good men everyday so that when one who's available. oh. ladies. available guy. right? But the beauty is it's always sunny out so we do get out of our cars. I don't know. the jerks. If he's too smooth.I hope you agree with me here.. Orna: Yay! Lisa: Yes.. They are there. it's so hugely important and I really think . The challenge here for Southern Californians is we're always in our car. Matthew and I met through a business networking group and we . look what he's doing.they're pedestrian cities.I'm pretty sure it was a year to the day from the last time I saw my ex to the day I met my husband. keep your eyes open for other guys that might be there. It's so easy to interact with people if you take those blinders off and start actively engaging people. you kind of know. So we're saying he doesn't have to be straight. if he's got a swagger on. Matthew: All right. Well. and this is a great time of the year because people . so how do you the difference? Lisa: Well. he's so sweet. He doesn't have to be single to recognize a good guy everyday but guess what? Along comes a good single. We can't keep doing this. he looks like oh. oh. the bad boys. Orna: Well. "Where do you find the good guys?" How are you going to answer that. the guys you're used to seeing when you go to the bar. he's so whatever. I don't know about you. "Don't ever call me again. You want to be able to recognize him so instead of going to the bar and only seeing the drunks. I mean it's not like go this secret spot to meet the good guys. I don't know about you. Let's cut the cords. if he looks like he's already hit on half the bar. Don't come see me. It doesn't matter where you live. Let's un-Facebook friend. Orna . I met my husband in a bar. they are everywhere. 2011 . Lisa? Lisa: Anywhere and everywhere. stop receiving texts and phone calls from that person and let's really just cut the cords so that you can create that space for yourself to heal and move on. then they're interesting to you and sometimes you're in the same place over and over again and you just don't . We live in Southern California. Lisa: Yes.it's ridiculously funny because I actually Property of Moving Light Media. Orna: I think you know and I think it's that place of trusting your heart." because we were trying to stay friends and it was so not working. Inc. Let's stop emailing. he's so charming. When people ask you. Inc. I always think that's a funny question and maybe you can answer it differently than we tend to.11 breakup. on August 6. not at all bars but at some bars. So I have a question because you talk about being in a bar and recognizing the good guy. But I'm thinking about when I was in Philadelphia for my book tour or being in New York. Literally a year later. There are good men in bars. If somebody is interesting to you.you're not connecting.p. I can spot a player from a mile away. the nice guy and I think oftentimes the mistake is if the guy who's really a player when he first shows up. I'm pretty sure and I remember the last conversation I had with my ex.
So how do the ladies do that? Lisa: Oh. I love that conscious choice because that's really what we're talking about. It doesn't happen in a week. It's what you talk about how to stop waiting around for men to choose you and become the chooser. "Oh no. we've done our due diligence. I clearly was emotionally unavailable and they sensed it because they were good men. you were talking about how important that was for you and I love how you describe it. Lisa: I love this story by the way. being clear on what it is that you really want and that when we let go of the ex.. We put on the makeup. And I would love to hear something that I've heard you talk about. We just weren't in all that time. "Would you rather be in this struggle that you're in right now with the person that you know it's not working out with? Are you willing to let go of the idea that this is 'the one' to be open that you don't know your one yet. "Gee. We don't go from being totally hung up on the ex and all of this stuff to showing up differently and getting the guy. Creating love on purpose is about those conscious decisions that we make. I wonder why they never called again. Property of Moving Light Media. we had talked a year earlier. we put on the cute outfit. Oh. Don't wait until it's safe. 2011 . I've asked a lot of our clients. Like. this long walk up the stairs that you don't have to be on the second or third date with the new guy to let go of the ex. I need to do something different. I can let go of the old guy. We didn't connect until it was time for us to connect when we were both available. I was just talking to a group of women about this last night and I love this conversation because when we go out into the world and we feel like we look our best. We are a process. Inc. It was really . We just weren't in the place. Lisa. So don't wait till the last minute.. You've told it to me before and it's the importance of like getting out of your own way.12 think we are pretty good networkers. And that's what I love about these tools and tips and golden nuggets that you're giving right now because it's a process." Well. We had great first dates and I was always like. We were not both available the year before.. So all of these things are about practicing a new way of being. I've got a new guy. I think. but my heart was not available and they sensed it and they ran the other way. and I think this can really be empowering for the ladies on the call." Orna: Oh. that they haven't shown up yet? Are you willing to see that as a possibility?" Lisa: That's so important. Orna: Yeah. We're complexly wired as human beings.p. You can let go of the ex now. Lisa. because it was still really painful for me. Inc.I didn't even know I was still hanging on until I realized. there's a piece of my heart that's not available and I wanted to be available. © Moving Light Media. right? It's celebrating the good men that show up around you and looking at the world through different eyes as if you were on vacation. Really just being in any space is a process and it's about really being into your heart space and really. I love this story. I'll tell you I met some nice guys before I met my husband. It's really a process of letting go every day and I had to let go everyday for a year and then make the conscious choice to once and for all let go.. OK. but you're still at home or. but we were at the same business networking meeting once a month for over a year and never talked to each other. You can choose it now. I love this.
pick me. a dinner party. 2011 . a networking group. that makes you more worthwhile.. pick me. you can go to a museum. It's empowered versus scarce and I really invite every single woman who's listening to the sound of our voices tonight to step out of the scarcity and into the belief that it starts with the belief and then it will start showing up in your reality that there are good men everywhere and you get to choose. whatever the setting is. your level of eye contact and if we're looking to meet a cutie. Next? Who is the guy you're still deciding on? So think about what you like to do.I used to think that. "Oh. Now.. Lisa: Yes. Let me see if we're an energetic match. paying attention and making an educated decision based on what you've heard. Let me see if he meets the requirements I have for relationships. when you leave that house and you meet a guy.. so I know. a party where we know people. You are so on time and it's now about magnetizing Mr.13 And then we walk into a room whether it's a bar. So if we can remember every time we leave the house. Who is the ideal Mr. not all of us. Inc. It's about listening. you can do all of these things. So where are these women going to meet these guys? Where are they going out in the world? What are those ideal sort of target-rich environments? Lisa: Well. I used to look at women who had rings on their left hand and I was like.. So not "Oh. Let me see if when I say 'I know how I want love to feel' does he line up with that." because you hear the difference in the energy. I empower myself not to sit back and go "Please. but let's be clear. Remember that you are a catch. and I love this conversation because yeah. that affects your smile.'" By making an educated choice. This is really about falling back in love with your life and getting out of your routine because so many of us . Next who could become Mr. because it puts the responsibility right in your own court instead of putting it out in the world on somebody else. © Moving Light Media. just in the way I described it. remember it's not about pick me. So as you leave the house feel good about yourself. Right for you or at least the ideal Mr. that makes you more valuable . Let me see if I'm interested in him. I hope somebody picks me.and I'm guilty of this too . we know it's happening. pick me.get Property of Moving Light Media.p. Matthew: That's so great and it's so empowering and it just really. somebody chose her. yeah. we want to be able to make eye contact. Right. you can go to a bar. we go from "I look cute and I feel confident" to "Oh. So we're walking around in our single life hoping to be chosen because some of us. Matthew: That's great. some of us think that if you got a ring on your finger that makes you a better person." It's such a change in our energy and men pick up on that and more importantly. Remember that time has not run out for you. yeah. someone loved her more than anyone has ever loved me. somebody approved of her. Inc." and it's a story we tell ourselves that really gets us hung up and shutdown and feeling really bad about ourselves. And I really encourage every woman when you leave the house to feel good about how you look and what you're wearing because that affects your strut. whether we feel fabulous or not. I hope he picks me" but how about "Let me see if I pick him. please.
If you like museums. come on over. Orna: You are cracking me up. they would try to give me good feedback but you know what? I met the most guys because I was the suckiest golfer because they all came over. "Well. you know. If you're more of an outdoors person. but I remember I had a girlfriend years and years ago who went to pick up a gift for someone at a driving range for golf. go to that museum gala or reception. And I honestly . If you're single and you say. does these after dark parties with a DJ and it's a great scene. don't go. Three of us actually went and the two of them actually had played some golf. 2011 . In LA." Property of Moving Light Media. what I really love to do is go to Pilates and knit. They all wanted me to come over and help me so they're like. it's great. Your museums are great if you love art. Inc." I had never. This is really getting back to who you are. I never held a golf club in my life but I was like. © Moving Light Media. The Museum of Contemporary Arts.14 into a routine so we go to work. "Oh my God. "This sounds like fun.it just started to be hilarious that when it was my turn to hit the ball. If you don't love art. It had some success but not your ultimate success if your goal is to meet Mr. The extent of my golf was miniature golf and it was hilarious and we did this. Who wants to go with me to the driving range? We're going to go get a bucket of balls. what about the Sierra Club for Singles? They do tons of events and some cities don't have Sierra Club for Singles but they have the Sierra Club which means you're going to meet people who also like the outdoors. Orna: I had never gone to a driving range. go salsa dancing with your girlfriends. we go to the gym." and my girlfriend that invited me was really fun.p. "Yeah. MOCA. Lisa: I love this. what you like and then getting creative. like once a week we hit a bucket of balls and I did the best I could and we actually did meet some guys and all of that but it was totally out of my comfort zone. Right so let's have fun with this.. I haven't thought of this in years.. [laughter] Orna: I'm not kidding." I was like. So it's about getting out of the routine you've been in because we see what that's done. Let me help you. So here's an example. "Oh. we come home and park it on the couch and we forget that there's a big bad world out there. there're the hottest men at the driving range." there's nothing wrong with that but I don't think you're going to meet a lot of men in those environments. She called me and a couple of other girlfriends and was like. I used to love going to those and meeting people. you're struggling.and it's going to be pushing your comfort zone and it may require you to recruit your fellow single girls but have fun with it like ladies. Inc. What if you get out of your own way and once or twice a week you get into an environment that makes you feel good? So if you like to dance. So I'm going to invite you to choose at least one or two activities where you might meet men so even if that . where are we going this weekend? Are we going to go for an afternoon tea or maybe we'll go rollerblading on the beach and see what cuties we can find.
Is he mean to the waiter. Lisa: This is one of the things that can single-handedly change your dating life and I love this. It's about getting creative. © Moving Light Media." Well. Property of Moving Light Media. You like what you know so far but you don't know him well enough to know if he's Mr. this idea of Mr. Wrong. and he will also. amazing.. do things that you enjoy doing. He's Mr. Mr. And this is something I think is really interesting. inspires you to be a better person. Right. but how does he make you feel? "Oh. so we're not going to automatically put him in the Mr.not The Daily Show but .p.I'm like this is my office for the summer . Next is the guy that you meet and the jury is still out. You're in your chooser space. Now. Next and Mr. Mr. Right yet. I met guys who wrote for . Right. If you've written your relationship requirements.. get out of your comfort zone. does not bring you down like so many women think. You're just hoping by some miracle or twist of faith that he's going to magically transform into somebody else or that you're just going to be able to tune out all his flaws. You're in the driver's seat. "Wow. who knew Starbucks was such as a target-rich environment?" So yes. getting back to the theme of this whole thing. Yes. Here's another one. So I love this idea. Wrong. Now. Wrong. There are some deal breakers. Next? Mr. So that's the crash course in Mr. Right will lift you up. not another chance.15 Lisa: I think that is brilliant. Inc. I don't know." Well. who's Mr. celebrate you. love you. whatever they do when they sail. he crosses a couple of those off. if he starts revealing himself to be Mr. Mr. Not another date.and I met great guys. We all think we have an idea of Mr. Next. So. he loves me. The Starbucks by me is teeming with guys and the summer I met my husband I worked at that Starbucks because it was hot and I took my laptop there every day . I love this idea. But she said she met so many great guys that way because she was a cute Southern blonde girl and everybody wanted to make sure she was OK with her . We're going to take educated steps towards putting him in the Mr. love you on purpose because he's clear about what he wants.. Let's talk about Mr.. If he smokes and you don't want a smoker or if he. immediately because he's blocking you from Mr. Some of us are still dating Mr. Mr. Right. That's the key. like crap. "Oh. Right category. the differences between Mr. Orna: Oh and it was really a lot of fun and so there. but I want to be clear. I've never been sailing. ropes or whatever. So I would love it if you would define for us. Wrong. makes your life better. Wrong. Wrong. Right category just because he seems good. Immediately. Inc. Don't do something you hate doing for sure. the busboy or the valet? Deal breaker. I love this idea of being creative and that's it. men who were really cool and I'm like. not Mr. so-worth-the-wait guy who celebrates you. easier. supports you. She took a sailing class and she was a cute Southern blonde and all the boys loved helping her. but shake it up a little bit. You've touched on it a little bit. 2011 . again time to cut him loose. get out of the knitting circle for a day and go hit some balls on the driving range and love that.what's his name? Bill Maher. Next. Lisa.whatever she was doing. Wrong is the guy you may still be dating who's never going to become Mr. I had a friend who did that with sailing. So. Wrong. Mr. hmm. Wrong is any guy that you meet and date who does not align with your long-term goals. Right is that elusive. Stop dating him immediately.
Lisa: Yeah.you're looking for evidence. "Oh." I was like. that proves that I'm lovable." So give people wiggle room. just love that. Don't ever do that again. Inc. Great friend. when are we going on that date?" But instead. funny enough that that guy is going to change. Property of Moving Light Media. "You flaked.16 Mr. pretty enough. but when they consistently reveal who they are. He was a friend of mine and I had a secret fantasy that we were going to end up together. right? Lisa: Oh. next. let's. Lisa: Yeah. Matthew: I just love that. I would have chased him and then like. We should date. thank God. you go. Next and Mr. 2011 . Now. It's this idea that you're really . Let's make the distinction that that doesn't mean the person has to be perfect and he could never have a bad day or ever screw up. Wrong being Mr. Matthew: Hmm. © Moving Light Media. I am so glad I called him on his stuff so that I could get over it because the fantasy was killing my chances of any reality. he ran the other way. I mean I flaked on my first date with my husband and if he had said.you know what? Actions speak louder than words. great. Matthew: It's like if he changes for me. I paid attention and I realized . moving on. I think the other thing that's in alignment with this idea is we see a lot of our clients are thinking if they can just be good enough. "Oh next. I kind of like you but yeah. What's happening here?" And he was like. Orna: That's so great and I think it's this whole idea of paying attention. "Oh. Right.p. It's people show you who they are and believe them. I didn't see that." And then. and it's important.. But fortunately. Right and I freed myself up to actually meet the right guy for me. he called me and he was like. well yeah. I kept waiting and hoping and trying to contort myself into his vision of the perfect woman and finally I got fed up and I confronted him and I was like. Lisa: Oh yes. Orna: When people show you who they are. believe them. had I been the old Lisa. lousy boyfriend. Inc. And that was the summer I met my husband because I let go of the fantasy of Mr. "OK. But the truth was he was a great friend. I watched him go from one relationship to the next and he was lousy. Nice adjustment on what I said. I better not do that again because I like this guy.. I thought it would be different with me. and how long do we wait for that? Orna: Too long. yeah. choose to pay attention and act accordingly. He was a lousy boyfriend. "Wait." I would have been screwed. "I'm confused. smart enough. crap." Lisa: Yes. You're really looking to see who this person is and how they behave and anytime they cross a line. I had a guy like this in my life four years.
with our body language by saying hello and I really encourage you to be that bold even if it feels uncomfortable. And so what about this thing about powerful women and we intimidate men? Are you up for busting this myth a little with me? Lisa: Sure. Inc. you may not be a size 0. all he needs is a small invitation. he just needs to know that the water's warm. Orna: Yup.. Because rejection is scary even for really confident men. As Matthew always says.p. with our laugh. thank God. He still needs to know that you need him. I walked in. I want to sort of. let's face it. Orna: OK. I would love to answer questions. with our smile. He doesn't need to know that you want to be rescued but he needs to know that you are a woman and you will appreciate him as a Property of Moving Light Media. So somebody is asking.. a smile.at Starbucks once.. because if he's the right guy for you. great. I'm going to tell a 30-second story about a guy I saw at a coffee . rich. rich information you have shared tonight and I think it's. I think both us are really strong. what if you see a man at a bar or an event that you're interested in. I looked really cute that day. Now. To me that was a missed opportunity and I would never do that again. a wink. It's like believe them when they're telling you who they are right and left and you know what? Good people do make mistakes but they also make amends and make up for those mistakes. that it's warm water and that makes it safe for both of you to start a conversation. like you were just saying. 2011 . and I think it's true. You may not be 20. The other thing is we can send so many invitations with our eyes. right? We're busting the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident. Orna: Oh.. Is that all right? Lisa: Yeah.17 Lisa: That's the best advice ever. what rich. whatever feels comfortable. For both of us. Rejection is scary so if you give an opening. Number two. an invitation. So here's what I want to say about that. he's not looking for that. but I love busting any kind of myth that isn't true. © Moving Light Media. Orna: Well. Inc. Lisa: Yeah. I like to bust myths in this telesummit. I think that's such a great advice. But it's true.. He still needs to know that you want him. how do I approach him especially when there are so many younger women dressed with little to the imagination? How does one get his attention? Lisa: I love this question. own who you are and what makes you fabulous. So here is a question from somebody that's come through here on the webcast that I'd love to throw out to you. I think mostly what we tend to do as women is we send mixed messages and the guys today. But giving the wiggle room is good and pay attention. they're going to feel way more comfortable coming up to you. The right man for you will love who you are as you are today. powerful women and so lastly. tune out the little girls with little to nothing on because they are just decorations. We eyed each other. thank you.. They're going to know. He left without ever saying a word and I caught him watching me out the window as he walks away. are really confused because if the guy is interested. let me be clear. So number one. they just. He looked really cute. I think.
The reason why I really love having you and I'm so . Lisa Property of Moving Light Media. "You are so amazing. Orna: Awesome." and I give thanks for that because every other guy I ever dated looked to me sideways and was like. I love what you're saying because let's face it. he's like. If you're hearing my voice right now it's possible for you to have love. So if you're serious about really implementing tools from Lisa.. It's going to go much more in depth into leading you the way. I think you and I both really struggled with relationships so what we're saying .. You're also going to get five secrets for manifesting Mr.and this is the message I really want to spread . start doing love into the Mr. Is that part of the How to Meet Your Husband book? Lisa: It's an audio program." This is an e-book from Lisa. "Why do you all those weird things? Why do you write and why do you blog and why do you do videos and why do you feel the need to do that?" whereas he was like. It's not possible just for a couple of us like me and Lisa.. It's possible for you. you can get these two e-books and the audio program so you can stop doing love in a bad way. So you get Bad Love No More. You can have it all. So basically it's these two books and an audio program that retail value is $147. the road to get here was bumpy and I got a couple of bruises along the way literally and I know you did too and thank God for the journey and I'm glad I woke up to my value because that's when I was able to attract the right man for me was when I fell in love with myself. How can I help?" Matthew: That's awesome. My husband says to me all the time. That's the best advice I think. Right and also this .. there's an amazing offer that she has just for the Love on Purpose Revolution and it's Lisa Steadman's Summer Romance Success Package. Inc. Next and then on into your Mr. © Moving Light Media. all guiding you towards creating romance and success in your relationships. Lisa: Amen to that. not later but right now this summer. 2011 . Orna: Wow! I know we could talk for hours and hours on this and I'm really excited to share this because you put together something extra special just for the Love on Purpose Revolution. and it's going to help you kick limiting beliefs to the curb so we're talking about how do we do this.18 good man. You and I are not. For only $97. Yes. But there's nothing wrong with being powerful and the right man will see that and celebrate that and be so just amazingly supportive about that.is don't settle.such a great package here. "I love that you do all that. get out of your dating desert and manifest your Mr.p.Matthew and I are so appreciative you made time in your schedule to be with us tonight because we. Right and then testing him all by having the guidance of Ms. You cannot get these anywhere else with this special pricing. It's called "How to Meet Your Husband" and you're going to unlock the five essential secrets to stop attracting jerks. You're going to get the new book which is really exciting. Bad Love No More. You're going to get a whole bunch of Lisa here. I agree. Right. What you're going to get is "Bad Love No More. Inc. honestly and I feel it too. Orna: I love that. just for the Love on Purpose Revolution.
Orna: So the place to go to get this special offer is loveonpurposerevolution. it's not too late. Matthew: So thank you so much.com/lisasteadman. Again. and if you think these resources will help you. It's loveonpurposerevolution.you are right on time.p. Lisa: Yes. I love it. that's not really it. Inc. you can only get it here through The Love on Purpose Revolution and I'm going to give the website one more time. Lisa: Oh. We were driving around in the car and we heard somebody covering 50 ways to leave your lover and we thought. And I just want to share if you're in that space.com/lisasteadman. Orna: Thank you for being part of the Love on Purpose Revolution. and to have the awareness you need so that when he shows up. © Moving Light Media. Orna: And so we just love that the timing is so perfect for you to present this to everybody because really that's what you're offering. to meet your Mr. You guys are amazing and thank you for putting this together and leading the charge with Love on Purpose. That's L-I-S-A-S-T-E-A-D-M-A-N so L-I-S-A-S-T-E-A-D-M-A-N. please feel free to go get them. He's not perfect. and you get Lisa's summer success romance package.19 Steadman herself. This is a great package. Lisa: Thank you for leading the charge. This is a really generous offer. all these great tools to meet that guy and to be in the right place when you do meet him. Woohoo! Lisa: Woohoo! Orna: Thank you for sharing all of the great information tonight. Lisa. "No. It really is . We were joking earlier today. loveonpurposerevolution. 2011 . you recognize him. We put it all together for you specifically for this amazing revolution and I invite you to participate. You get all the tools that you need right now to start implementing all the things that we'd talked about on this call and taking it even further so you can ingest it all because an hour is not enough. He's perfect for me. Is there anything else you'd like to add about this great offer? Lisa: I want to say I know the place of feeling like love is out of reach and I know the place of having found the perfect person for me. Lisa: Thank you. Lisa. Remember you're a work in progress. It's more like 50 ways to meet your lover. Right. Orna: So thank you again. Matthew: Awesome. Inc. We're so grateful to have you. Property of Moving Light Media.com/lisasteadman.
20 [Outro music] Property of Moving Light Media.p. Inc. 2011 . © Moving Light Media. Inc.
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