Samantha Dilday Writing for Publication March 12, 2013 email@example.com.
edu Article – Call for Submission Article Word Count: 851 Rhetorical Analysis Subject: This article takes a sarcastic, intelligent approach to the dreaded but all too common scenario of men who hit on their servers in restaurants. This article was written in response to a call for submission by McSweeney's Internet Tendency and fits into the site's “Open Letters to People or Entities Who are Unlikely to Respond” section. The publication as a whole is funny and smart. This column in particular relies on heavy sarcasm and intelligence. Audience: The main audience of McSweeney's includes educated men and women between the ages of 25 and 40 who have a sarcastic sense of humor and like to see others make light of both heavy and commonplace topics. My article's target audience will include waitresses working their way through college, as well as woman who have already graduated from college and have worked as a waitress at some point during their lives. Most women who have been waitresses will be able to relate to this article. Occasion: I've been a waitress for 5 years and have had to put up with a lot of rude customers and the occasional sprinkle of sexual harassment. It made my job unbearable at times, and I'm happy to say I've finally moved on and am working at a job where I'm not harassed daily. Purpose: Dilday 1
Thousands of men hit on their waitresses (probably everyday) when they go out to eat, and most of those waitresses have no choice but to grin and bear it. Because of this, I've decided to give those poor, hardworking waitresses a voice. In the process, maybe some of the gentlemen to whom I am addressing this letter will realize the error of their ways and take a different approach if they want to get to know their server better. On a less driven, but pointed note, many people have worked in the service industry at some point in their lives and I think they'll get a chuckle out of it.
An Open Letter to the Kind Gentlemen Who Hit on Waitresses in Sports Bars Dear Kind Gentlemen, As a five-year veteran waitress, I've stood patiently at the end of hundreds of tables listening to all your clever and blush-worthy flirtations. I think this experience will allow me to offer a fresh Dilday 2
perspective for you—a few pointers, if you will. Let me just start off by saying that you always made my shifts about, well, a billion times more exciting. Clearly I can't speak for all waitresses, but I think a lot of them would agree with me when I say that I can't think of a better way to spend my Friday night than standing awkwardly in front of you as you give me the once over while uttering uncomfortable and, at best, cheesy pick up lines. I'm honestly trying to think of a better alternative, but good golly if I'm drawing a blank. I suppose this is because there's just such a variety of kind gentlemen, such as yourself, that there's never a dull or predictable moment. I'd like to take a moment to pay homage to all of those kind and entertaining gentlemen, who boldly bridge the waitress-customer divide with a flair that is unforgettable to say the least. Firstly, there are the “I plan to speak whatever's on my mind,” fellows. You know who you are. And you're some of my favorites. I'll never forget a particularly flattering and completely socially acceptably comment from one older gentlemen who gazed deeply into my … chest and asked whether or not I would mind if he dreamed about me that night. I can honestly say it was enough to send shivers down my spine. You can scarcely duplicate that kind of romance. Then there are the other species of male patrons who always sweep me off my feet. There are the kind gentlemen of the more “mature” variety who often try to woo their servers. Nothing makes a girl feel more young and beautiful than when a man old enough to be her father's father makes a pass at her. Just a handful of years back, this would have been considered pedophilia, but come on. We're past that now. To all of you matured gentlemen, don't worry what anyone else says. Wine gets better with age, and clearly so do you. Other waitresses may think that your pick up lines are overused. False. I know that chances are you invented those pick up lines. Oh! So, you fainted and hit your head when you saw me? And now you need my number for Dilday 3
insurance reasons? Of course! Let me write it down on this napkin really legibly and accurately for you. I also really enjoy getting to know the kind gentlemen who lose all control at the site of breasts. Remarkably, you sly oglers will speak directly to my chest even when it's covered by a completely respectable t-shirt. That's talent if I've ever seen it. I'd just like to say that I think that what you're doing is really considerate. Most people look me in the eye during conversations, thus making my breasts feel ignored and unwanted. But you, kind gentleman, have managed to single handedly boost their self esteem. Also, I've always felt breast staring contests are a really good way to break the ice. It's the kind of tactic that says, “I'm a really nice, fun guy who's trying to respectfully build rapport with you through a playful game.” I have to admit though that after awhile, the game gets old. I mean, it always ends the same way. As hard as you try, kind gentlemen, I promise you my breasts will always win. Face it. They don't blink. But as always, thanks for the compliment all of you kind, breast staring gentleman. I do appreciate the flattery. Wow, I didn't think of of this reminiscing would get me so teary eyed. It's been fun guys. It really has. But I'm sorry to say, we need to talk. As you know, my serving career is coming to a close so that I can make way for bigger and better opportunities. This is really hard for me, but I'm going to have to break this off. Listen guys, I wish this could have lasted but the truth is, it's not you. It's me. I'll admit I can see where your confusion is sprouting from. You're likely mistaking my welcoming, jubilant grin for actual interest in you. I get it, but the truth is it's my job to smile at you. Also, if I concentrate just hard enough on holding my smile, your voice almost fades away. Dilday 4
Goodbye kind, married gentlemen who can't keep their eyes on their plates! Goodbye kind, touchy-feely gentlemen who try to hug me after meeting me once! Goodbye kind gentlemen who ask me for things they don't need just so I'll come toward their table! I know it hurts now, but I think this will be good for both of us. I promise I'll never forget our times together.
Love always, Sam