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Truth Today 1/2018

Truth Today 1/2018

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Published by LeonBlank
This is the first edition of the collaboratively created marketing material for Iron Sky, a newspaper called Truth Today, that was distributed on the streets of Berlin during the Berlin Film Festival 2009.
This is the first edition of the collaboratively created marketing material for Iron Sky, a newspaper called Truth Today, that was distributed on the streets of Berlin during the Berlin Film Festival 2009.

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Published by: LeonBlank on Apr 11, 2009
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05/11/2014

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w w w. t h e t r u t h o n l i n e .

i n f o

Weather

+12 oC
N:O 232 ISSUE 1/2018
Page 3

Cloudy
FREE

STFU Meets GTFO for the First Time
News

News

CLAIM: THERE ARE NAZIS ON THE MOON

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TSA Shoots Five
News
Page 2

Mad Cows Seen in Brussels

Sports Page 4

United States Accepts Soccer as Sport

Photographs leaked to the Internet last week taken by the Cassiopeia probe on the so-called dark side of the Moon have stirred up considerable controversy among both astronomers and conspiracy theorists. The photos reveal a structure in the Schroedinger crater near

the southern lunar polar region; official sources have failed to provide an explanation for it. Scientists are baffled by the discovery, and numerous UFO and conspiracy researchers have interpreted it to prove the existence of extraterrestrial intelligence.

The photographs in question are indistinct, due in part to the orbital distance of the probe and interference from ionised moon dust hanging in clouds above the crater floor, but a regular shape can be discerned in them, located slightly to the side of a circular crater ap-

proximately 1.5 kilometres in diameter, itself situated inside a larger, irregular depression. This is not the first time that regular objects have been visible on pictures taken in space. Indeed, Continued on page 2

Entertainment
Exchange
ASI 10.78 DN 9.58 SS 6.40 DAT 0.78 3.20% 1.93% 5.03% 5.23%

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Entertainment

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New Versions of Classic Star Wars Films

New Woody Allen Movie

Not So Great – But Not So Bad Either

02 News

w w w. t h e t r u t h o n l i n e . i n f o


Issue 1/2018

There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world.

-President Bush
parallels have already been drawn to the infamous face and pyramids found in the Cydonia region of Mars. Astronomers disagree, however, whether the Lunar Swastika is an actual structure or an optical illusion. Hindus, Aliens or Nazis? The lunar discovery is especially intriguing thanks to its extraordinary shape. The anomaly is clearly shaped like the swastika, a symbol used, among others, by the National Socialists in the 1930’s and 1940’s, leading to numerous conclusions that the structure is attributable to Nazis who fled to the Moon after the Second World War. At the same time, in India where the swastika is still in use as the symbol of prosperity, happiness and good luck, hundreds of thousands of Hindus have embarked on pilgrimages all over the country. The internationally famous UFO researcher Martin Krauss disagrees. “It is a

Mad Cows Seen in Brussels
Three obviously mad cows were noticed flying over Brussels towards Paris yesterday. Brussels police received calls from hundreds of local residents, all of them indicating the same direction. At first police regarded it as a prank, but after two of their own patrols had reported the same, an alarm was given. In a couple of hours the cows were located, having landed outside the city to graze. When questioned, their leader indeed admitted they were heading to Paris for the fashion market. She referred to a story carried in a British tabloid stating that the models in Paris are total cows nowadays. Thus, they had decided to take their chances at forging a new career. They felt they would do well as fresh meat in the business. Although the cows were obviously mad, the police decided to let them go. Brussels Chief of Police Jacques Mist comments: “It simply isn’t against the law or the public peace if some cows want to make their living as models in Paris. Although it sure does sound crazy. These cows were peaceful although silly, so we let them fly away.”

Artist’s impression of the alleged moonbase. sign from Alfa Centaurians who brought life to Earth four million years ago,” he said, “which they left on the Moon to remind us of their visit.” NASA: Weather Balloon In an official NASA announcement, NASA spokesperson Roslyn Villacorta stated that the alleged observations were due to a signal disturbance resulting from a weather balloon aligned between the satellite Cassiopeia and the groundside receiver. “Weather balloons are known to mess with probe signals,” she said in a press conference held at the Houston space center yesterday. “It is a freak coincidence that the erroneous signal formed a swastika shape, known all over the world as a strongly controversial symbol.” Nazis on the Moon Already in 1945?

NASA claims it was a weather balloon. with the goal of conquest and control of orbital space,” he says. “It seems that Kammler, who mysteriously vanished shortly before the end of the war, and his team were successful. We’re in trouble now,” Tomovici adds.

The Romanian scientist Radovan Tomovici, who has studied conspiracy theories for decades, disagrees. “For over 70 years, it has been NEUTERS common knowledge that the Nazis had a research programme overseen by Hans Kammler during the war,

TSA Shoots Five
New York City Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officials shot and killed a group of five Turkish immigrants at the John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City on Tuesday. “Them that don’t speak American ain’t got no business coming to America,” Mr Hogg said.

This is the largest incident of its kind in terms of lives lost since the TSA gained “shoot The five suspects, one male, on sight” rights in 2014. one female and three minors, while attempting to NEUTERS gain entry through a Customs checkpoint, attracted the attention of TSA officials, who ordered the immigrants to step out of the line. When they refused to cooperate, the officials opened fire and killed all five. “They was obviously foreign and awful suspicious looking,” the transportation security officer in charge, Bubba Hogg, described the suspects. He remained skeptical of the opinion that the immigrants may have been confused by not being able to understand what the officials were saying. A Transportation Security Agency official watches closely for possible immigration law infractions at the mouth of the Hudson River.

WTF

Issue 1/2018 The Truth Advances

w w w. t h e t r u t h o n l i n e . i n f o

News & Economics 03

Look for our new Russian-language sister publication, Pravda segodnya, available in all major cities in Russia later this month. The paper has its own office with a staff of five in St. Petersburg, and will run both local and international items.

STFU Meets GTFO for the First Time
It is well remembered that since their establishment in 2009 to cope with the global financial crisis, both the Socialist Trade Force Union (STFU) and Global Trust of Financial Organisations (GTFO) have engaged in a ferocious fundamental battle over post-crisis economic foundations. As we all know from our economics 101 textbooks, GTFO believes in the supremacy of the capitalistic system while STFU, in a bold and revolutionary move, dissolved financial systems altogether and returned to the barter system. Miraculously, both systems seem to have worked perfectly in restoring economic stability in their member countries. the trade bills would have been a fortune in GTFO member countries, the residents of the areas in question were outraged because the paper used in the trade bills resembled their toilet paper. I can still remember them shouting things like “We want white toilet paper, not green!”. STFU of course retaliated with their own specialty – tangible goods. They airlifted those goods and dropped them in GTFO member countries, causing riots when people started fighting over the free commodities. Children fighting over cheap dolls and toys, men fighting over forged golf sticks, and women fighting over counterfeit fashion products. The chaos led to the tragedy now known as For years, the two economic the Red Santa Incident. blocks have fought a cold war style battle for world But the past is the past, and economic domination. Inci- we must go on. Just today, dents such as the infamous STFU chairman and GTFO “Green Land Incident” and director had an historical the “Red Santa Incident” meeting. This marks the first were all but everyday dur- time that both economic ing the old days. The Green blocks agreed to meet each Land incident was when other’s representatives, alGTFO started provoking beit online. “We agreed to STFU by airdropping tril- meet in an adult chatroom lions of green international because this matter must be trade bills in several STFU settled in a grown-up manmembers countries, cover- ner”, said a GTFO official. ing vast areas of land. While However amidst the cheer-

For security reasons, GTFO representatives attended the meeting wearing state-of-the-art camouflage gear. ing and applause from many, a few radical groups staged demonstrations. They demanded segregation between STFU and GTFO. They believe that when STFU meets GTFO, it will spell disaster for the whole world. One NEUTERS of the demonstration participants remarked, “When STFU and GTFO meet, things turn ugly.” What will the future hold for us?

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04 Sports & Entertainment
A Blind Spot Pictures Press Publication Blind Spot Pictures Hämeentie 11. Hki 53. FIN www.blindspot.fi spot@blindspot.fi Editor in chief: Ukko Kaarto Editor: Antti Hukkanen Designer: Riina Sipovaara Editorial Staff:Timo Vuorensola, Jarmo Puskala

Issue 1/2018
Contributors: Timo-Heikki Mäkelä, Ben Tennenbaum, Charles Anderson, David Yacobus, Patrick Karpiczenko Jani Salomaa, Stephen Lee

Not So Great – But Not Bad Either

New York

SOCCER All across the United States, millions of Americans are rallying around the latest primetime sport to grace the U.S.: soccer, more commonly referred to as football. This change comes as a great paradigm shift to Americans, who ten years ago, referred to soccer as a sport for “those wusses in Europe”.

This change can be attributed to the Americans’ gold Today is the premiere of medal victory at the 2016 Woody Allen’s 102nd film Chicago Olympics over Shiksa Love in over 30 countries. The movie is a clear departure from Mr Allen’s earlier works. It is intended as a serious drama and its visual style pays homage to There seems to be a fault director legends Tarkovsky with the Nike R-Bees, and Bergman. Nike’s rocket boot range. With micro rocket engines, Shiksa Love is the heartfelt and the fuel cells required story of Howard Schmock, to drive them, it has proved a professor of English litFOOTBALL impossible to synchronise a erature, played by director ROCKET Allen himself, who falls With the replacement of pair of R-Bees. madly in love with his 19 year old student and niece. Trouble ensues as Schmock is visited by his 5 beautiful ex-wives, who are all still in love with him. After a test screening, audience members remarked the film was “not bad”, but many said they prefered Allen’s older “funny” movies. Mr Allen himself was not available for an interview, since he was already busy working on three new movies. TRUTH the less violent NFL with the RFL (Rocket Football League) as a more competitive sport, testing of a new sports boot hasn’t been going smoothly.

there are many who consider those second-rate medals and completely unimportant as well as insulting to all parties involved; this later event, conversely, is considered by many as the MagUnited States Soccer Fed- num Opus of American Soceration President Sunil cer that will start a new age. Gulati was quoted as saying, “This is a quantum leap The United States will for American soccer; we scrimmage against the Gerare finally gaining the re- man National Football spect we deserve. Baseball Team, or Die Deutsche has nothing on our sport!” Fußballnationalmannschaft, on January 1, 2019 as a Even though America took New Year’s celebration. both Bronze and Silver at the 1904 St. Louis Olympics, TRUTH

Brazil, a close match with the United States winning 6-5. The nationalistic pride brought on by such an event spurred a nationwide rise in the popularity of soccer.

RFL, New Rocket Boots a Disaster!
nose and right cheekbone when his pair of R-Bees misfired. Johnson was considered very fortunate, as the R-Bees have been known to explode on impact. The State of Hawaii Institute for Trauma (S.H.I.T.) has an entire ward dedicated to This has led to leg injuries those injured in the pursuit and even a few fatalities. of sporting excellence. Brokenose Johnson was one of the earliest victims. One such player, who deWhile attempting to kick a clined to give his name, is field goal, Johnson broke his waiting on a new rat grown foot, American size 15, after his foot was disintegrated. The incident occurred during an on field argument about an alleged foul, when he literally put down his foot to drive home a point. His main disappointment is that the current colour selection in replacement limbs is limited to white. with the RFL, and will endeavour to make sure that no more fatalities occur”. Continued Mr Astard, “I would also like to send my deepest sympathies to the family of Splits McFee, Nike will cover all costs with regards to the double coffin burial of Mr McFee”.

Nike CEO Barry Astard commented today, “We at TRUTH Nike are working closely Randall Munroe www.xkcd.com

XKCD

New Versions of Classic Star Wars Films
HOLLYWOOD George Lucas, writer-director-producer of the enduring Star Wars franchise, announced today the release of new, remastered versions of the first three Star Wars films, “episodes IV through VI”. The release will take place in May and coincide both with the 40th anniversary of the first Star Wars film, now known as “Episode IV: A New Hope”, and Lucas’ own 75th birthday. In an interview, Lucas admitted that recent technological developments have revealed glaring faults in his early works. “Back then, I was young, and not much of a character director. But now, I know better. To really take advantage of 4GHD technology, all the actors will be replaced by 3D models. This will also help unify the look of the early films with Clone Wars.” Clone Wars, the wildly successful animated spinoff of Star Wars, is currently in its ninth season, with at least two more promised. The fourth Clone Wars feature film, Escape from the Planet of the Lost Clones, has been announced for release later this year. possible in ’77. For example, we’re introducing Jar Jar Binks and his cute and wacky grandchildren into the so-called classic trilogy.” Thanks to the Up-to-Date Entertainment Act of 2015, Lucasfilm have thus criminalised possession of the former versions of the Star Wars films, punishable by a fine of up to $100 per copy. The creator of Star Wars George Lucas.

When asked how he thought Star Wars fans would react to this kind of retouching, Mr Lucas explained, “Star Wars isn’t about fan service. With these films, I wanted to really explore some of the themes that just weren’t TRUTH

DAVID CONRAD

New Woody Allen Movie

United States Accepts Soccer as Sport

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