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How to Do No Contact by Melanie Tonia Evans
© 2011+June Copyrighted Content by Melanie Tonia Evans. All rights reserved. Cover design and layout by Janara Jornor Photographs by Istock Photo No part of this ebook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without express permission in writing from the author, except where brief passages are quoted for the purposes of review. 1st Edition Published 2011 by Melanie Tonia Evans Australia Website: www.melanietoniaevans.com ISBN 987-0-98070724-9-8 First edition printed June 2011 Melanie Tonia Evans and How to do No Contact are registered trademarks of Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd Australia.
Melanie Tonia Evans is neither a qualified psychologist nor a qualified counsellor and offers her insights and advice for guidance only.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Table of contents
Introduction ................................................................................................................................ 3 PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO DO NO CONTACT ...................................................................... 7 How the narcissist functions ....................................................................................................... 7 Conscience versus conscienceless ............................................................................................ 10 Attempting to right the wrongs ................................................................................................ 19 What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship..................................................... 26 Your version of thinking versus the narcissists version of thinking .......................................... 28 What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself ...................................... 35 PART TWO: HOW TO DO NO CONTACT .................................................................................... 38 The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact .................................................................................... 42 In Conclusion ............................................................................................................................. 47 How to Recover......................................................................................................................... 49
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Please note if are a member of New Life Newsletter, and received both your eBooks with your subscription – please read your eBook Narcissistic Abuse – The Truth before beginning this one.
Although this publication has been written in reference to love partners, the principles still apply for all significant narcissistic individuals in your life.
One of the most vital elements regarding recovery from narcissistic abuse is NO CONTACT, (referred to as ‘NC’ on many abuse forums), or in the case of shared custody of children – is called Modified Contact whereby appropriate boundaries, or the implementation of third parties for communication are established.
Please note this eBook is not just specific information for individuals who are already out of their narcissistic relationship, or know they need to get out and stay out. If you are still in the relationship please know I understand your reasons for remaining there. There may be many reasons why it’s really hard to leave – and you may still be holding hope for the relationship.
If you are still in the relationship I know this information may be very hard hitting for you, and may even seem incredibly distasteful, because No Contact may be the last thing that you want to do. If, at this point, you are still in the relationship and trying to save your union this information is still very helpful – therefore I urge you to have an open mind when reading it.
The truth is this eBook will help you identify how bad the abuse really is (if applicable) and it will help you clarify if there is any hope for your relationship. Throughout this eBook you will gain greater insight into whether or not the individual you are dealing with has classic NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), or has narcissistic traits to a lesser degree – whereby there may be a chance of empowering yourself, creating strong boundaries and gaining a level of respect and decency from this person.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
Please be very aware the dynamics that are explained in this eBook are NPD behaviours – point blank. If you have already read my articles Narcissism Understood and Narcissistic Personality Disorder- Common Traits and Expressions of Narcissists and subscribed to New Life Newsletter and accessed the free eBook Narcissistic Abuse – The Truth (if you haven’t yet read this eBook you may subscribe and do so here) and if you have ticked many or most of the boxes contained in these publications, and resonate with how you have been affected by your narcissistic relationship, then this eBook certainly is relevant to your situation – very much so, because the truth is: you are experiencing significant narcissistic abuse.
If you are still in a narcissistic relationship which you have not yet identified as NPD or not yet accepted as NPD, this will assist you to understand how narcissism plays out, and it may be a powerful reference further down the track. It will also arm you with knowledge and tools if the time does come when you simply know you have to leave the relationship.
If your partner shows enough attributes to give you hope that he/she is not NPD that is great – and there certainly may be hope. I have written an article that provides the tools and strategies to applying boundaries to gauge if your partner is capable of being accountable, stepping up and displaying the necessary levels of remorse, empathy and self disclipine in order to change his or her behaviour. Is He/She Really A Narcissist – Laying Boundaries and Accountability
If on the other hand, you really do relate to this information it’s time to be honest with yourself and face the hard facts. In this eBook, the term narcissist used throughout, directly describes NPD behaviour which is not rare, and is in fact incredibly common and widespread.
From here on I am describing No Contact with an NPD individual.
I discovered within my own recovery, and in the case of the recoveries that I co-create with other narcissistically abused victims, the BIGGEST defining ingredient in regard to being able create the space to heal, recover and move on is the implementation and the sticking to of No Contact.
In the thousands of cases with individuals I have intimately viewed, from all over the world, I’ve never seen a recovery from a NPD relationship that hasn’t operated from this model.
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@Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012
A perverse hooking aspect occurs when an individual is narcissistically traumatised. 5|How To Do No Contact . I mean it when I say – not one case. accountable and / or validation from the narcissist. If you touch the poison you feel poisoned again. reduce or eliminate direct contact. Each time lower and lower. and at these times I felt like some sort of safety or predictability had been secured. the people who have recovered did everything in their power to negate. However.This is regardless of the gender. I lived through times when I ‘d pull away and start getting myself and my life back on track. It’s well known that when dealin g with a narcissist. During this period I was battered.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . capabilities and intelligence of the narcissistically abused victim. in order to keep the narcissist out of their life as much as possible. class. if not immediately. There were times when I thought I had contact with him under control. and then every time I slipped and went back into the ‘ring’ I would very soon after. They all put up very strong boundaries. you know exactly what this feels like. it’s like dealing with poison. and will keep you coming back for more as a result of you trying to receive sensibility. Even in the situations of ex-partners who’ve had children with narcissists. All it would take was one phone conversation. before I knew it the goal posts were moved. the rug was pulled out from under my feet. nationality. if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse. Chances are. I did the in-and-out dance with my narcissistic ex-partner for a total of 4 years. I’m certainly not alone. This means that the narcissist continually finds a way to get under your skin. fair play. when trying to re-claim yourself. and again I would fall. plummet again. despite these brief moments of imagined relief. and a powerful addiction phenomenon ensues. text exchange or the reading of an email to feel hooked again. In the case of my own life. shattered and virtually destroyed.
and are therefore able to retain their boundaries and sanity. and WHY none of your attempts to receive safe and decent behaviour work. By the time your relationship has become toxic. you need to be honest with yourself and have a firm understanding of the dynamics of narcissism. can and will set you free. reason. you’ve been damaged. and you’re shellshocked. compassion and conscience. Education is vital in order to achieve your freedom. Please know many people are going through. When dealing with property and custody settlements (let alone emotional ones) you need to accept the narcissist is not motivated by sensibility. When dealing with a narcissist. 6|How To Do No Contact . And within this education is the understanding of WHY a narcissist behaves the way he or she does. you’re dismayed to realise there’s little possibility of creating win / win outcomes. Many aspects of your life. and have gone through what you are. and get some sort of resolution.. You directly experience the fact that the narcissist in your life is simply not interested in playing fair. As a result. and I work with people on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and for you to be able to create No Contact in order to focus on and create your necessary recovery. It can take a while. as well as your emotional and mental state are suffering. and some sort of control and safety when dealing with the narcissist. but finally the acceptance that you need to come to.. and I listen to clients. angered and frustrated beyond belief with the narcissist’s inhumane behaviour. if you’re being narcissistically abused. shattered and feel like you’re losing your mind. and until accepting these hard facts you’ll undoubtedly feel totally anguished. I know because I’ve been there. Nothing could be further from the truth.Many individuals who are connected to narcissists believe they can somehow gain the upper hand. and I receive emails about this anguish and disbelief every day.
successful and gratifying life. I’m not going to apologise for my frankness. mission and experience with narcissism requires me to be very real about this information. If you are being severely narcissistically abused. regain yourself and have a happy. Good or bad it makes no difference. Because the honeymoon period is now over. These modes are: 1) The narcissist’s primary driver is to receive narcissistic supply This equates to the narcissist receiving attention. PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO CREATE NO CONTACT How the narcissist functions The narcissist operates from two modes when he or she is being unreasonable. calculating. this information could save your life. and what is really going on. or quite frankly like a nasty five-year old that refuses to act decently. My conscience. and for literally saying it how it is.It’s my mission in this eBook to explain to you the narcissistic phenomena in a way that makes you realise why No Contact (or Modified Contact) is the only way to have the space to heal. or someone’s life who you deeply care about who has experienced this level of abuse. This eBook is intended to smack you between the eyes about the severity of narcissistic abuse. pathological. nasty. and you have experienced the personality cracks and insecure. In the early days of the relationship the narcissist received plenty of acclaim and adoration from you.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . demanding and abusive 7|How To Do No Contact . cruel.
It’s very true that everyone seeks significance in their own way. You’ll. Individuals with a conscience don’t cause pain in order to receive attention and significance. more often. and genuine support (vital components within healthy relationships) have worn thin. 8|How To Do No Contact . it’s unlikely that you’re still supplying the narcissist with the energy of.behaviour.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . however one of the defining pathological aspects of narcissism is that the narcissist will wish to create self-significance by reducing others. Now. be confronted with the narcissistic personality and all its fully blown extremes. Narcissists due to a lack of healthy conscience (meaning the care and consideration for others. the wonderful partner has not been present for quite some time. compassion. The narcissistic model is: I win and you lose. or only shows up sporadically. and become less and less consistent. Lack of conscience is a clear and defining factor. The veneers of respect. ‘You are SO wonderful’ by the time you have accessed this eBook. At this point. the ‘attention’ the narcissist receives from you is him or her knowing how much he or she can affect you adversely. and being accountable) simply don’t comprehend hurting others as wrong or unthinkable – it’s a means to an end. he or she feels extremely significant. This grants the narcissist a sense of importance and even God-like omnipotence. in order to receive narcissistic supply. Healthy and emotionally mature individuals do not create significance at the expense of other people. When a narcissist causes fear and distress.
The narcissist doesn’t and won’t. The unfortunate side-effect of the narcissist’s projections is that you may be incredibly confused. and may have been worn down into accepting that you are in fact the problem in the relationship. he or she projects pain. the narcissist can defend his or her severely damaged inner self. Projection is an egoic created defence mechanism. and will continually accuse you of everything that that he or she does that is unreasonable. a bad person.2) The narcissist needs to offload his or her internal pain Narcissists have limited or non-existent resources available in order to work through their own emotional conflicts. but who doesn’t crack when they’re being significantly and repetitively abused? That certainly doesn’t make you. by making it always someone else’s fault. By remaining in his or her ego. Healthy and emotionally mature individuals have the ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for their own emotions and actions. This is why the narcissist will proclaim that it is your fault.3rd Edition @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . yes you may have retaliated like a crazy person. and even been nasty and aggressive. rage and unworthiness onto others (the parts of themself they cannot resolve) in order to gain relief from internal torment. which are numerous. Because the narcissist struggles to be accountable and self-reflect. grow or evolve to a healthier ‘self’. Hence why they don’t heal. 9|How To Do No Contact .Am I a malicious person who operates without conscience? Okay. at your core. Projection is a strategy necessary for the narcissist to emotionally survive and retain his or her false self. Just ask yourself .
competitive. You just simply wouldn’t do it. It would be true to say. manipulative. adulterous.. lies and manipulation to gain attention.I can assure you – healthy people with emotional intelligence who really believed you were untrustworthy. you’d find it very difficult to lower yourself and literally sell your soul by performing the lies. however one thing they certainly do not have in common is a lack of conscience. Why? Because he or she was maliciously maiming you and dumping his or her tormented self on you – pure and simple.and more. and it’s important to get VERY clear about this. atrocities and immoral behaviour that the narcissist is capable of. a feeling of inner emptiness and trying to achieve validation of ‘self’ through outside sources. They’d leave! Yet the narcissist continues or continued to be with you while accusing you of these things. Many of my clients have spoken to me in relation to how they could never operate like a narcissist. Co-dependents feel really bad about using abuse. such as. I don’t care how deranged or crazy you feel – you are being abused. controlling. manoeuvres. even in your most dire times of pain and grief. Conscience versus conscienceless It may shock you to realise that narcissists and co-dependents have many things in common.. or the upper hand. nasty and wrong would NOT be having a relationship with you. Decent people simply don’t do that. cruelty. 10 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and would feel devastated if anyone accused them of possessing anything less than decency and integrity.
and you do possess integrity. it was always about you supplying the narcissist with narcissistic supply. You may be motivated by needing to ‘be right’ and / or needing to secure the narcissist’s love in order to reduce his or her damaging behaviour. you are decent and you do love him or her.And if you ever have. You’re mortified that the narcissist believes you’re a bad person. As a result. never actually was. It doesn’t really matter what has hooked you into trying because it’s a soul-destroying trip. 11 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . respected. and never will be. From the narcissist’s viewpoint and model of reality. you were totally distraught when you looked in the mirror and realised who you’d become. This has been an extremely fruitless task. Is it the relationship you’re fighting for? Or maybe really it’s the need to be validated. It isn’t about that or you. You’ve been trying to prove to the narcissist that you are trustworthy. you are severely addicted to the goal of needing to prove your worth and gaining the narcissist’s approval. The narcissist knows how to hook you because you have a conscience and care about what people think of you. because the narcissist is always insisting how bad you are (the projection of his or her disowned parts on to you). trusted and loved – unfortunately by someone that never wanted to. and never held that as a normal human goal.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and you can’t fathom how ‘love’ can go like this. to try to ‘one-up’ the narcissist.
whereas you’re more likely to be in the coma position under your bedspread. admiring acquaintances. helplessness and loss of faith in yourself and life. The difference is the narcissist. 12 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . internet dating. previous lovers etc. and temporarily spared from his or her own internal torture. He or she has day by day.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and been turning you into another version of him or herself. etc. The narcissist requires other people reflecting energy back to him or her. and that their life force has been literally sucked out of them. In fact you’re much more likely to keep losing more and more pieces of yourself. The reason why you appear to be an empty shell and the narcissist doesn’t. goes after narcissistic supply (attention which means stealing other people’s energy). The feelings that you’re feeling – the emptiness. By doing so he or she has been able to feel momentarily healthy. loss of self-esteem. in order to have any sense of ‘self’.. You’re not doing the tactics which gain the relief. the narcissist has created you as the tormented person. shrivel and fall deeper and deeper into the black abyss that you’re becoming. in order to function. because without this the narcissist is a literal wasteland of no-self. Narcissistically abused victims all report the feeling of having NO self left. By confusing and diminishing you and then projecting the bad parts of him or herself on to you. piece by piece been using your insecurities and unhealed parts against you.The interesting part in all of this is – you’ve been conditioned by the narcissist to accept the assault of the narcissist’s projections. The narcissist will hit porn sites. are the feelings that the narcissist feels within their real core every minute of every day. manic depression. is because you don’t sell your soul in order to go out and feed off and steal energy and resources from people and life in order to emotionally survive. fear.
Facing and embracing your unhealed parts and insecurities that led you into being in a narcissistic relationship. or what pathological moves he or she has to make in order to secure supply. The narcissist pursues narcissistic supply without conscience.The physical. you know what I mean when I say – no-one could begin to fathom what this feels like unless they had personally experienced it. Please know. The quick fix of gaining egoic (narcissistic) supply is not the durable answer. Not being a bad person is killing you in this instance. and unless you’ve experienced it personally. and has no remorse about who gets used. in no way am I advocating that you become bad in order to survive. Such as going after a love relationship to pay the narcissist back. If you try to win some power back and control the narcissist. this is exactly what he or she would feel like. He or she would experience a complete and utter breakdown. therefore becoming a model of no empathy or conscience. which I know you have if you’ve been narcissistically abused. If the narcissist was cut off from receiving narcissistic supply. or in order to try and stop the pain. and humans aren’t ‘humans’ to the narcissist. The narcissist is a seasoned professional. 13 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . emotional and mental torture of being in this state is unthinkable. you are punching well above your weight. whereby you’re a raw novice shackled with a conscience. and therefore the narcissist will always win when you go ‘toe to toe’ with him or her. and healing and evolving through the pain and creating an authentic and empowered self is the answer. and this is something that the narcissist will never do.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . they are simply objects to extract energy from. The narcissist controls people with his or her tactics.
you will be shackled to him or her so that supply can be ensured and extracted.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . leaving you totally at the mercy of his or her control. You know the disinterest. It’s an insult of the highest order to the narcissist for you to have a great life with or without him or her. what you bring to the table. or when you got pleasure and energy from sources other than the narcissist. The narcissist knows that by doing so. The narcissist is a model of self-serving entitlement. family. and anything else he or she feels entitled to take (which is most if not all things). When the relationship is over. The narcissist knows this is impossible for him or herself.If you try to control someone or something that is out of control. The narcissist is pathologically envious. that you find ways and people to feel genuinely good. or in a state of needing support from him or her. There is no way he or she is going to grant you the energy you require to feel strong. and dismantles all of your sources of energy. and the narcissist will cut you off from other sources that could grant you energy. When you can provide narcissistic supply the narcissist still wants you. children (yours or the narcissist’s). to the point of inner rage. empowered and healthy. hobbies and areas of your life that give you connection and pleasure. and he or she believes they own the rights to you. displeasure and even wrath of the narcissist when you were upset. and is finished with you when there is no more to extract. 14 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . He or she needs to take. such as friends. the only outcome is YOU will be completely controlled by that person or thing. the narcissist wants to know you are destroyed. or will still be available to hand over more supply in the future.
In fact the narcissist welcomes the angst and repercussions. cruelty. or trample on other people’s emotions and resources without remorse. smear campaigns and power tripping doesn’t secure attention. apologise or repair matters first. and has no desire to support and encourage your happiness and achievements. You will be fearful of repercussions. They will pull away from the abuse. and just like a highlevel junkie the narcissist will sell out individuals. It’s a bit like playing ‘chicken’. Close intimates are the main targets from whom the greatest amount of narcissistic supply can be extracted long-term. All of this grants the knowing he or she has the power to affect other people in extreme ways. in order to feed this all-consuming need. This is A. but very few. The narcissist may monetarily grant you positive energy. Narcissists require narcissistic supply like a drug addict requires heroin. Less intimate people that haven’t been successfully hooked . won’t.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . manipulation.grade narcissistic supply at its best. Narcissists will tend to have a lot of fleeting acquaintances that they extract narcissistic supply from.The narcissist after the process of giving to get (securing you as narcissistic supply) has no desire. but often it’s to keep you hooked as narcissistic supply. and no resources to genuinely give support. when the veneer inevitably wears thin. No-one receives immunity in the face of this compulsion. if any longterm friends. Often the ‘nice behaviour’ comes about as a result of you starting to pull away. simply because an intimate will hang around in the game whilst the extraction continues to take place. so it is much more likely for you to try to back down. and when the wrath. means the narcissist in a tirade is not concerned about the outcome. 15 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . This coupled with the inability for the narcissist to think about or learn from consequences. The narcissist doesn’t fear the abandonment and punishment that comes from his or her bad behaviour.
empower yourself and recover. Having no energy left to procure narcissistic supply. Narcissists unconsciously seek it out time and time again. can’t create an authentic self. 16 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and being left alone with a horrifying tortured self with no way to gain relief. or become discarded shells or die . victims of narcissistic abuse do have the inner ability to heal their unhealed parts and have a self. It must be remembered. and they grind these relationships into the ground towards this conclusion mercilessly. and don’t want to accept the relationship is doomed. The ending always comes through one of four means: the narcissist retains the relationship. The narcissist knows that he or she is empty. Self-loathing takes the space where self-esteem. or the partner of the narcissist develops a severe illness and dies. By purposefully bringing about the end themselves.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Therefore for you. and there is a perverse and twisted relief when receiving punishment and failure. and has no ‘self’. however. The narcissist. self-knowing and self-worth should reside. with the partner complying to every demand the narcissist makes whilst the narcissist pursues other partners outside of the relationship.literally. in amongst all of these startling and chilling facts.Individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder have inbuilt masochistic tendencies. and narcissistically abused victims who have tried to change this reality. there is the hope and the opportunity to break away from this manic and soul-destroying dynamic in order to heal. or the narcissist pushes the partner away until there is no choice other than to leave the narcissist. I and many other people have done so. or chooses to suicide. or the narcissist creates the complete disintegration of the partner and then discards the corpse when there’s no narcissistic supply left to gain. all become literal shells in the relationship. and will meet the same inevitable conclusion that all narcissists meet – a place which he or she has been trying to avoid. this grants them additional power and control. At a deep inner level they know that every significant relationship will fail. I was a hair’s breadth from becoming a fatality myself. and won’t. There’s no beating this system – it just is what it is. and it is completely disconnected emotionally.
None of what they have is real. and will detest you for it. because another truth is: the narcissist will resist all of these attempts. and there is no genuine love. rather than earlier. or brings real feelings of fulfilment. heartless machine. devoid of any warmth. You have seen the total lack of compassion that is akin to being confronted with a reptile. If you have been narcissistically abused. 17 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The unconscious reason playing out within the narcissist is: How repulsive and wrong it is to try and love a ‘nothing’. nothing is real. they simply aren’t wired that way. Don’t be tempted to try to save the narcissist from him or herself and this inevitable fate with the belief Love will conquer and fix all. He or she is disgusted by individuals that try to love him or her. yet full of pure contempt and rage. and is a cruel. acclaim or even fame and fortune they manage to get. you’ll recall the times when the narcissist looked at you and acted as if he or she hates you. Generally this happens to the narcissist later in life. because he or she wasn’t able to beat the system that we all face: Without an authentic self. but it does happen. It’s here that the narcissist is demised. This makes me despise you even more. The truth is: it is impossible for them to be genuinely fulfilled and at peace. Therefore. and in fact punish you for trying. and the carefully scripted and constructed false self has all amounted to absolutely nothing other than the wasteland of having no authentic self . and that doesn’t change regardless of how much material stuff.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . an entity that doesn’t exist. happiness or pleasure in life. The narcissist is merciless at these times. don’t envy narcissists and think they have it all. You were shocked to see the narcissist’s eyes become empty and lifeless.It is then that the narcissist meets his or her maker – and knows firsthand that the charade or his or her life. notoriety.
empathy. love and conscience) makes the narcissist feel vulnerable. admit this to be true. pathologies and actions that totally defy anything I ever believed to be human? If so.The narcissist despises humanity. neuron brain pathways or desire (they despised normal human functions. turns. ‘empathy’. and as much as your sense of humanity.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . ‘love’ and ‘conscience’ define humanity. normality and life as you understand it struggles to comprehend the facts – you can start to accept there’s no hope for the narcissist when they are displaying classic traits of NPD. twists. yet knows he or she needs to feed on humans for energy. loving and connected about the human race. When realising the truth of what a narcissist is. Please understand the emotions ‘compassion’. are you ready to accept that the lack of conscience and humanity that you’ve seen firsthand is because you aren’t dealing with what you know as human? The ultimate truth is narcissists aren’t human – not as we know human to be – because they do not have the capacity. believing they’re pathetic) to operate with compassion. 18 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . people and him or herself. and further fuels his or her disgust with life. It’s no coincidence that the Vampire myth was inspired by the model of narcissism. Do some research on this fact and it will astound you. Now. and no hope that you can have any real relationship with them. Vampires similarly were depicted as hating humans intensely because of their reliance on them. This reliance on the very thing he or she detests (the human emotions of compassion. love and conscience . Without these components humanity isn’t present. The absence of these emotions is the ultimate disconnection from humanity. If you can’t accept this as truth – ask yourself: Haven’t I experienced behaviour. and everything that is healthy. as hard as it is to accept.
“How can she / he do that?!” “I don’t understand!” “That’s terrible behaviour!” as well as many other emotionally charged statements. and be saturated with the stimulus of compassion. The narcissist’s behaviour does not make sense to our humanity model..3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . I certain agree with this theory – that the only way an NPD could connect to these emotions is to be confined for an extended amount of time without narcissistic supply. we can’t comprehend narcissistic operation. and we feel threatened. especially emotionally. and feelings of gut-wrenching disbelief. This creates incredible hooks whereby we try to right the wrongs. or severely arrested within a narcissistic individual’s brain.. We fight fruitlessly to make the narcissist get it and stop the behaviour that we are accepting by staying or trying to hang on. how long would it take? Attempting to right the wrongs When we’re viewing life through the model of humanity. develop and catch up to the necessary level of development required for them to function healthily. ‘love’ and ‘conscience’ are numbed out. We allow the narcissist to destroy us on so many levels.It is medical knowledge that the brain neuron pathways of ‘compassion’. chaotic and extremely vulnerable regarding behaviour that just doesn’t add up. love and conscience repeatedly until these pathways re-activate. ‘empathy’.and if it could. For obvious reasons this is not going to happen. empathy. Everything we believed to be true about people. ourselves and life is under siege. These emotions simply don’t operate. We may scream out to ourselves and anyone who’ll listen. shrivelled up. 19 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
You have discussions that are so twisted it feels like you’re losing your mind. None of your needs are taken into account. You realise that the narcissist wants it all his or her way. How do you know when you’re being targeted and used for narcissistic supply? You receive untruths that torment you. rejection and despair. You feel like you in a competitive ‘me versus you’ relationship whereby you are made out to be the enemy. You’re given false promises that set you up for hope. yet lead to profound disappointment which tears you down into further feelings of abandonment. uncaring and dismissive treatment that has no consideration for your emotional state. The more aggrieved and incensed you become.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . 20 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . because he or she knows that this will keep attracting you into the battle. You experience cruel. accountability and decency. the more narcissistic supply you hand over. or are simply played upon in order to deceive you into handing over more self and more resources. the narcissist can line you up in order to receive more narcissistic supply. and the more you try to fight for justice.This suits the narcissist perfectly. rather than trying to achieve healthy win / win outcomes. and by trying to fix and change the behaviour. You’re blamed for all of the problems. You continually feel like you are justifying yourself and explaining facts. values and standards of human behaviour that the narcissist simply does not acknowledge or apply.
The narcissist will regularly accuse you of caring more. 21 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . you’re met with major resistance. or was discovered by him or her about you. as he or she watches you try to perform this impossible feat. a total disintegration of self. diversion or rage. The narcissist will regularly bring up allies to back his or her story. and your insecurities and fears by the narcissist. You receive insane Jekyll / Hyde behaviour which can switch from loving to condemning and from dismissive to needy in a heartbeat. to try harder and harder to receive understanding. will be used as a weapon against you. It allows the narcissist to feel oh so important. safety and decency. Even if there is an apology or a show of accountability. you feel it’s hollow.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and the more hoops you try to jump through. the higher they get and the harder you crash. Staying attached and receiving and allowing the punishment and mining of energy. (real or imagined) in order to gas-light you and diminish your faith in yourself and life. as a result of your unhealed parts. Information that you have disclosed to the narcissist. and if you try to gain some sense of stability around it. can only create. Whilst doing so. and does create. and giving more attention to other people and interests than him or her. you provide the narcissist with malicious inner delight. all lead to MAJOR losses to your self-esteem. All of these behaviours. The narcissist will denounce you to other people and even tear down your credibility with other people in your presence. The soul-destroying list goes on and on. You’ve been conditioned and programmed. as well as the many others in the narcissist’s arsenal.
You can’t force someone to be what they simply do not have the resources to be.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Whenever we ignore energy that’s not good for us. and healthy is NOT narcissism. In fact it’s impossible to do so.Evil is absolutely at play here. Just as we have no need to fix. Accept this . you would be much more likely to choose Vanuatu rather than war-torn Beirut. You are looking for these things where they don’t exist. night and day and all polar opposites that exist in physics in order to hold the balance of life together.love. evil is in opposition to Love. or up if we didn’t know down. change or eliminate evil. Just as there is hot and cold. when Vanuatu is a choice you could make for yourself. Whenever we struggle with and place our focus on anything in our life we become it. but you have no need to go to Beirut and try to make it Vanuatu. We take on its energy and make it all about us. up and down. The narcissistic model is exactly that – the absence of Love. we no longer have unwanted and painful energy in our life. 22 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . If you don’t believe evil exists. we could never know what Love is if we did not know what the absence of Love is. open your eyes and accept that it does. You know the difference. change or eliminate down or cold in order to be up and warm. it’s time to get real. Evil quite simply is a dark place that is the absence of Love. safety. If you were to choose a holiday destination. and it does exist. there’s is no need to fix. and place our energy on what does serve us instead. Just as we could never know hot if we didn’t know cold.
force them or change them into being a decent person. but I AM a crocodile”. “Yes. taking your needs into consideration and playing by the rules in order to reach a healthy conclusion. rather than trying to survive and dodge bullets in Beirut. The narcissist can’t comprehend winning without someone else losing. then there’s no chance you’re going to be able to fix them. The forest animal squealed “You promised!” The crocodile said matter-of-factly just before his first bite.Do you believe that you can make a crocodile play fetch. Shamelessly the narcissist is totally disinterested in coming into accountability. Rest assured it certainly doesn’t. You may feel that the success of your whole life hangs on this outcome. warmth and pina colodas of Vanuatu.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . 23 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . it’s the narcissistic supply. and create a life of togetherness. The narcissist wants to steal your energy and diminish you in order to feel better about him or herself – and knows no other way to operate. You’re only option to get what you want is to let go and start making choices and decisions that align you with flying to the peace. Get very clear on this: The narcissist is not interested in what you want in life. roll over and lick you while you scratch its belly? Have you ever heard the tale regarding a crocodile who convinced a forest animal he would carry him over the river and deliver him safely to the other side? Half way across the crocodile threw the forest animal up into his mouth and prepared to eat him. The narcissist does not want to give and receive love. If you’re dealing with an individual who refuses to play fair. It isn’t the healthy conclusion that he or she wishes for. safety and happiness. Win / win to them is unthinkable and does not compute.
You and the narcissist are now the supplier and the users for each other in this toxic. That’s right. Just like any severe addiction.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . just as you are addicted to needing him or her to supply you with safety and decency. The narcissist needs your anguish and pain. A relationship of two co-dependents. At least there are two needy people receiving energy. Severe co-dependency and relationship addiction to a narcissist is incredibly serious. The drug is neediness.It’s not a great way for you to live. To understand more about the addiction that you have to the narcissist. because he or she can’t manufacture his or her own. The addiction to the narcissist is a horrific part of the abuse (because we continue to allow ourselves to be abused). and it truly is a life threatening deal for you – with no ‘happily ever after’. we can’t let go. until the addiction is healed and overcome. we have many excuses as to why we don’t want to let go. regardless of the fact that it’s not happening. In fact it’s a devastating way. destructive cycle of dependency. although disadvantageous. are dire and can be fatal. and the addiction – like all serious addictions is life threatening. This means you will be emptied out all the way to your demise. and you are getting nothing except the constant battering that ensures that you will hand over more and more supply. The narcissist’s bottomless pit of needing your energy. The results. 24 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . regardless of how much damage we’re sustaining. is better than this. is getting fed constantly by you. This series grants a lot of insight into how you can break the addiction cycle and start moving forward in your life. you can watch my video series here.
25 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . broken promises. and ‘You are the only person I’ve ever truly love’. they aren’t real and they’re not genuinely felt by him or her. Real actions are a far cry from the declarations of false love that is delivered by a narcissist. They all have the agenda of securing narcissistic supply behind them. Narcissists know the actions that will attract you and make you fall in love with them. The narcissistic was pretending to genuinely give. Real people follow through and demonstrate what they say. Real substance requires aligned actions and consistency. and we get more and more exhausted trying to catch it. The words ‘I love and adore you’. the rest of what‘s going in is destroying you piece by piece. because the truth will always set you free. but they are feigned. and I know he / she is capable of being the person I want to be in love with. Be brutally honest with yourself. Regardless of the little bits of hope that you received intermittently. How on earth can that be real love? The truth is it isn’t. and ‘I’ll do anything to make this work’ (or any other version of undying love or commitment) carry very little weight when actions repeatedly surface that express the exact opposite. Can you understand how futile it is to try to make an unmakeable deal work? Being in narcissistic relationships feels like being a greyhound chasing a rabbit that we never catch.Don’t be fooled by thinking I have seen him / her be loving. followed by destructive words and actions.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and twists and turns that completely obliterate the previously feigned consideration. simply in order to get. and therefore I know they DO have the resources. Or I know that this person WAS loving and kind.
allow and maintain healthy people in your space. Clearly narcissists aren’t. we’re running after something that doesn’t exist. What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship? I have included the following points in this eBook for a very good reason. and decency is a basic requirement which many people on the planet ARE capable of providing. What we are here to learn in this instance is to become real and embrace: The reality of our life can never be gained from another person. because it’s our responsibility. you will easily let go of. 26 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . That’s no real rabbit! The relationship we wanted with the narcissist never was what we thought it was. as a human being that you DO deserve decent behaviour. Then if you do that.Just like the greyhound. That is the liberation. safety. and move on. So stop trying to change what isn’t into what is. you only want one person as a love partner. and then you can attract. if you work on your unhealed parts and heal. This is exactly the process I put myself and others through. so you can heal. you will find out that people who are not a match for love. and quite frankly no right to try to force it into becoming real.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Luckily the odds are great for you in creating a life-partner who is emotionally mature and responsible. because out of all of the decent people on this planet. and start creating ‘what is’ within yourself. and the results speak for themselves. to awaken the knowing within you. and we have no ability. support and integrity.
we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual’s integrity. Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms. Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes. 27 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . you say – but I can assure you that when you get clear and know ‘how’ and ‘why’ you need to live life by a model of honouring and healing yourself. Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.These processes do deliver a fulfilling and joyous life. Will apologise full-heartedly when they overstep the mark. and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems. People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence: Tell the truth. Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable. its gets easier to do – because you will align with what you really do want to receive in love. Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better. When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate. Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs. and then your life will start going right. Easier said than done.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.
I love seeing how upset you are about this. YOUR THINKING: I do and I will try anything to get him to realise this. I have too much integrity to play up.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly. And even if you don’t trust me you’re going to be too busy worrying about what I think about you. loving. It also gives me an opportunity to do what I want. you are the only person I want to be with. The narcissist telling you that you’re unfaithful and can’t be trusted. YOUR THINKING: I have no intention of playing up. and by blaming you I can keep doing what I do. because you’re going to push the point about how much you trust me and why can’t I trust you. Realise that there is no upside in the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying their partner. healthily and directly. The narcissist says you’re unsupportive. safe and healthy relationship. Why can’t he get it?! NARC THINKING: I know you’re going to try harder and harder for me to get it. Now I can continue treating you badly and you’re going to hang around. Your version of thinking versus the narcissistic version of thinking Note: If the narcissist is a female please substitute ‘him’ for ‘her’. don’t love him and you don’t care about him. and if they don’t narcissism is at play. Want a satisfying. to question me. An individual either operates from a model of decency or they don’t. NARC THINKING: This one really gets you going. If you have any doubt about whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissist look at these two last bulleted lists carefully and honestly. They really are like chalk and cheese. It’s me who doesn’t have the ability to love. I’m so upset you think otherwise. 28 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
it’s my right to do so. The false promises and the feigning of how the narcissist was just about to do the very thing that you wanted from him. I feel suicidal. 29 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . It’s you who has taken my resources and my life. and the evidence is so logical that it isn’t right. This is sending me crazy that he can argue about something so ridiculous and turn it into an issue that feels like I’m arguing with a five year old. frustrated and distraught you get the more it makes me feel powerful and important. I’m going to keep arguing this until he gets it and admits he’s wrong. NARC THINKING: I couldn’t care less about the specifics. Any argument with the narcissist over details that don’t make sense and he brings up and argues points which are ridiculous and painful to hear. This hurts so much and I am so devastated that he’s making it my fault. and I know that you’re going to hang around now and I can keep tormenting you with the promise of what I’m never going to give you. but now because of something you’ve done you’ve ruined that chance. I don’t care what happens to you. I’m only here to take. YOUR THINKING: This crushes me. It’s so cruel and unfair. How on earth can you twist this around and accuse ME?! NARC THINKING: I love it when I make it all your fault and accuse you and you get hurt. In fact I’d argue about a fly going up the wall if I knew it pushed your buttons and got a reaction. NARC THINKING: This one really is so much fun. He’s punishing me again. In fact I get malicious delight watching you turn yourself inside out every time I move the goal posts and confuse you. I was so close and now he’s taken it away again. the details. I want you to think it’s your fault. The more hurt. In fact I hate seeing you happy because it reminds me of how I can’t be. YOUR THINKING: I know this particular point to be wrong.The narcissist telling you that you’re ripping him off and taking his money. I never had any intention of granting you what you want.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . I just want what I can get. YOUR THINKING: I am totally shattered by this accusation. I only told you I would give you that to hook you back in. You deserve it and I’m going to get as much out of this as possible. or whether or not it’s right or wrong. I don’t want to give.
go straight for narcissistic supply again and the window closes over. or how anyone could have such a twisted perception on life. Narcissists do not remain in a genuine or humble space where any self-healing and growth can take place. their false self temporarily crumbles and there is a tiny window of opportunity of honesty and openness without defences because their true self has emerged. Being authentic and real.I know you may think this information is outrageous and how could anyone really think and operate like that. and working on self-recovery is discarded accordingly – hence why therapists are discredited and left. I’ve had discussions with narcissists about their operations. This may take hours or days but rarely any longer. Until I again accepted: Of course they think and operate like that! They’re narcissists! Unfortunately very little is really understood (and needs to be) in relation to how the narcissist thinks when extracting narcissistic supply via other people’s pain . what they perceive as normal and acceptable (their lens of life). Something in their life has been so devastating. I occasionally have narcissistic individuals come forward for healing when they are at rock bottom as a result of severe narcissistic injury. The details were so vile that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. how they think and the way they operate. and truly I have wanted to vomit and have felt totally poisoned for hours afterwards. The point to this is: when narcissists come forward in narcissistic injury there is the ability to gain incredible knowledge about how the narcissist views the world.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Unfortunately the NPD’s (unlike people who do have inner resources) as soon as they recover some energy. 30 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
if you’re continuing to con tact and hook up with a narcissist. and the twisted view on life that is like a selfish. Regardless of whether the narcissist is your mother. The consistent theme is the lack of conscience. These people view everyone else as objects from which to extract narcissistic supply.Some of the narcissists admitted that it was an enormous compliment when ex-partners were broken. institutionalised or contemplated committing suicide. 31 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . spoilt five-year old in a vindictive adult body. Many other facts. and sucking resources and people dry in order to achieve their drug of omnipotence. it makes not one scrap of difference. friend. A male narcissist whose ex-partner had committed suicide felt incredibly special whenever he thought about her demise. and are suffering greatly as a result. boss. husband. were disclosed that completely confirmed the narcissistic model and operations. Therefore the truth is. In their model of the world – the insatiable need for narcissistic supply in order to avoid complete emotional self-implosion and annihilation – the behaviour is essential. father. and that there’s nothing wrong with that. they believe they are entitled to behave that way. brother.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . belief in entitlement with no consideration or concept of compassion. wife or partner. and are dangerous chameleons charming and lying their way through life. Scarily. no matter how much you don’t like it. which are too numerous to mention. lover. you’re providing a wonderful source of narcissistic supply. sister. You are prey to him or her.
and they are what they are. you most certainly are lovable and worthy. Narcissists do what they do because they’re narcissists – it just is what it is. The truth is narcissistically abused people all go through the same inhumane experiences. The frightful thing is that they all go the same way. I discovered that other narcissistic abuse victims I talked to were speaking about my life. I’ve asked them for the topic of angst. and the conversations they had with narcissists were identical to the ones I engaged in with my narcissistic ex-partner. I can’t tell you how many people read my material and then tell me ‘You are describing my life word for word’.The narcissist can’t act decently and show love and care simply because he or she is meant to. I really could write down probably 100 more scenarios that come from the narcissist’s bag of tricks. but I think you get the point. When some clients struggle to realise the narcissistic formula. talking to other people and doing a great deal of research. and all have the same effect on victims. When I was in recovery. and when you break away and you do the work on your recovery. This proves this is not just some weird. they are caught up in the trap of typical narcissistic abuse – where the narcissist can create projection and suck them dry for narcissistic supply.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and you will start demonstrating that. feelings and reactions to what the narcissist did. and then describe their exact response. This doesn’t make you unlovable and unworthy. Maybe you are having the same experience. and been able to identically describe what the narcissist said and did. I’ve experienced these digressions personally and hear about the same ones over and over. random and terrible thing happening in the relationship – rather. and attracting the reflection of that into your life when you stop trying to tame the monster that is continually ripping pieces out of you. 32 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard narcissistically abused individuals discuss in great detail the he said/she said details of the arguments. I don’t care that psychology authorities are trying to de-list the clinical diagnosis of narcissism. This is why if you’re suffering events that have lead you to information regarding narcissism. IF this is going on in your life. This spreads confusion and destruction personally and collectively. there is no way to resolve it and get better. with no genuine sense of humanity. and apply to any individual. acts in incredibly unconscious and destructive ways. and the points and behaviours resonate with you – you’re definitely dealing with a narcissist. and therefore you can’t be sure. I don’t care that you may be hanging on to the hope that the wonderful partner could come back. and Asperger and histrionic are used to describe narcissistic behaviour. I urge you to accept the same conclusion if you’re being narcissistically abused – because it’s essential for your liberation.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . other than to see it for what it is and get away from the abuse. A ‘no-person’ operating from a false self. and it all manifests as the same behaviour. The fact of the matter is: these behaviours are very stock standard. regardless of their label. I did this myself. I really don’t care how much contemporary psychology states this person has not been diagnosed. You need to realise that the details are totally insignificant. and I don’t care that labels such as bipolar.This helps facilitate the acceptance that the person you are dealing with is – point blank – narcissistic. 33 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . locked in egoic defence mechanisms who acts without conscience and displays self-entitled behaviour.
But like everything else. You are not dealing with a human model. you’re dealing with a narcissist whose reality is a universe away from yours. Your ‘humanness’ is going over and over the crazy details in your head. 34 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . pathological envy and deep undercurrents of revenge on humanity. The narcissist chose you because he or she wanted to steal your energy and your good feelings.The narcissist will do and say anything to push your buttons to get narcissistic supply. That is it in a nut shell. The narcissist despises his or her own neediness for the energy from people who are a constant reminder of the narcissist’s inadequacies. You actually have no way of knowing whether or not the details of the narcissist’s words or actions have any credibility or even any meaning. If you are in close proximity. The narcissist is the ultimate victim who positions him or herself against the world. Ironically the narcissist was attracted to you for the very things that he or she hates. This is one of the main reasons why you were recruited. the narcissist’s torturous feelings mean that the narcissist has to take you down to try to get emotional relief.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and the narcissist can’t escape this selfcreated hell. Again: The narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist. Dangerously the narcissist is riddled with rage. Nothing makes the narcissist genuinely happy – it’s a bottomless pit. your ‘good stuff’ does not make the narcissist happy. Humans have what he or she never can. Literally it will be anything delivered in the moment without conscience in order to gain attention.
We can begin to realise that this responsibility to ourself is ours and not the narcissist’s. and have no requirement to tolerate and fix damaging others in order to try to have a fulfilling life. and it’s a make or break deal. and these understandings assist our ability to get clear and break free. loving and healing our unhealed parts to become healthy and empowered individuals who validate. know and trust ourselves. Certainly there is no possibility of forcing him or her to do that job. That’s the gift. Just because the narcissist pretended that he or she was the person who was going to give you a great life. as a result of never 35 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The narcissist was never going to miraculously morph into the person that you want him or her to be for your life to be great. You’re either going to hang out in the contemporary model of narcissistically abused people – shattered and battered for a great deal of.The only relief the narcissist can get is the tearing down of everything ‘good’ in order to gain some type of significance for self. does not mean that it’s his or her job. What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself We can begin to understand the emotional dependencies that lead us into unhealthy addiction with narcissists. Then we can perform the necessary work on really embracing. The real reason you experienced a narcissist was always to give you enough pain for you to be able to get on to the necessary mission of fully taking responsibility for creating yourself. supporting. if not the rest of your life. The narcissist never signed up for that job. and simply doesn’t possess the resources to do it.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 .
being able to let go of the pain. loss and despair of what the narcissist did to you – and fearfully try to get a great life going from that space. and then you can attract the life and love into your experience that matches the truth you want to live . You’ll easily be able to say “No!” and keep walking and only welcome and sustain those people and situations that do match your energy. fully take responsibility for your own journey. Because ‘less than that’ is no longer your reality. And you more easily identify the counterfeit articles. truth and fulfilment. authenticity. When you are clear and walking truth and feel inwardly authentic about it – healthy people and situations start coming into your life much more easily. Many people have done it. you’re going to let go. inner soul knowing level. and you easily let them go. or. heal your unhealed parts. and create a self that is empowered. And that reality is not just from a conceptual level.without fear and pain. It’s from that level we create our truth. you DO have the ability to create this journey of self. No matter how bad it feels now. more empowered than you ever were even before you met the narcissist.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . it is from a deep. 36 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . If you become a full and healthy source to yourself of happiness. you will never accept anything less than what you are being to yourself.
The more we try to control the uncontrollable (which is highly amplified with narcissistic individuals) the more we lose control of ourselves. If you go down this track. and will only create more self-damage. He or she would rather lose his or her physical life than be accountable to the truth. confuse and attack you mercilessly for trying to do it. lifeless shells that narcissistic abuse creates. as many of us do or did. you’re only attempting prescribing. These are co-dependent actions that you need to avoid at all costs. this exclamation of ‘Whilst you are wrong. It can be very tempting when discovering information about narcissism to try to discuss it with the narcissist. and try to get him or her to understand what’s really going on. they are the people who get damaged the most. 37 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .We proclaim that of course people should behave decently. They just don’t work – all they do will line you up for more narcissistic abuse. These attempts are futile. Ironically despite these people’s resources and intelligence. The individuals who hang on and fight the hardest to try to reach resolution with the narcissist are usually highly intelligent and capable people. project. and will twist and turn. or possibility of healthy outcomes. demented. He or she is a no-self willing to use all and any resources without conscience to achieve a self-entitled agenda. There is no way to corner a narcissist and work within parameters. The narcissist will not tolerate having his or her mask taken down and having his or her ego challenged. I have no control over my own life to feel right’ is the very root of the self-disintegrating effects of co-dependency and relationship addiction we can play out with narcissists. lecturing. fixing or the forcing of the narcissist into some sort of accountability. honestly and with respect for others! This tendency to try to force other people to be a certain way in order for us to be healthy and safe. There are no parameters. It’s a ‘free for all’ war zone with no peace.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and become the empty. There is no way to create and contain results within these limitless boundaries.
and the narcissist in this forum will always come out on top. and no-one who knows how to fight as dirty. Narcissistic abuse in Western (free) societies usually happens to people who do have powerful resources to create their own survival. and you may be one of them. My greatest strength (not accepting defeat) became my greatest barrier to moving into acceptance. people who are weak stop trying to survive and win. have always believed they can rise and succeed in any area of their life. have no survival options or are weak.. if you have been tolerating narcissistic abuse it’s not because you’re unintelligent. I see this happen all the time.These people. The very opposite is more likely to be true – you are highly intelligent and strong and don’t want to lose this fight and you don’t want to lose what you have put in. Additionally.. Don’t ever believe you’re going to gain the upper hand as a result of the narcissist knowing you know the truth about him or her. Fundamentally. There is no human being who has a larger ego (false self) than a narcissist. as long as you’re still handing over narcissistic supply. the battle with the narcissist is a battle of egos – a tussle of who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’. 38 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . Quite frankly the narcissist doesn’t care about what you think.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . letting go and creating my own truth and freedom. and you don’t want to admit defeat. Narcissists like to help themselves to the goodies. I can assure you. They don’t like ‘losing’ and back themselves time and time again. and leave much earlier. I was one of these people.
suffer immensely and then have to say something. and will lead you to your real inner development of yourself. If you grant attention and energy and hang around for the vile projections of abuse (regardless of why). all of your blind-spots and will mercilessly use this knowledge to get narcissistic supply. Even if you feel that you’re getting justice by looking out for yourself and being strong with the narcissist. Then you’re straight back in the web again. 39 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .The details of how the supply comes about are irrelevant. you are incredibly susceptible. all of your insecurities. the narcissist is getting exactly what he or she wants. There is no greater defeat to the narcissist than you moving on. Now it’s time to realise that it’s not weak to admit defeat and walk away. because he or she knows you’ll obsess about it. and the only way to WIN. and him or her becoming irrelevant in your life. PART TWO: HOW TO DO NO CONTACT No contact means No Contact. the narcissist can shift from rage to indifference. The narcissist knows all of your frailties. it’s actually a sign of strength. It’s another nasty trick that ensures gaining narcissistic supply. It is the only answer. You’re a sitting duck. leaving your reeling. and discard you in a heartbeat. Every time you have contact with a narcissist. especially if they have been able to previously inflict high-level damage.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 .
and loving yourself is WHY you need to do No Contact. you’re an object to him or her. No Contact means that you don’t answer text messages.How many ways can I say it to you? You’re never going to win the battle of trying to make the narcissist be someone or do something that is going to make you feel better. The narcissist is an expert at setting up every encounter so that you lose when playing the game. If you have told someone to not contact you and they continue to. No Contact means that you don’t check up on Facebook. If this is too heartless to comprehend. Do not believe for a moment that you need to prove physical violence or actual physical threat in order to get an Intervention Order. you need to realise and firmly embrace that this is not about trying to get the narcissist to care for you and love you. You don’t. that you don’t look into what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. a source of narcissistic supply. in order to get him or her out of your life. It’s about learning to care for and love yourself. as it was for me initially. 40 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . phone calls or your front door. Human resolution with a soulless person is impossible. and that you don’t speak to people who are connected with the narcissist. Caring for yourself. emails.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . and you feel immense anguish and torment as a result – then that is ABUSE! If you explain yourself calmly and without emotion to your Court House you will be able to have an intervention order served – period! It is your civil human right to be able to live a life of peace without harassment. No Contact means you avoid everything that is connected with the narcissist. respecting yourself. No Contact often means placing an intervention order on the narcissistic.
hang up or leave. If you are really concerned about the narcissist abusing your children. keep them short and to the point. and no need to change him or her. no need to get the upper hand. and can prove this is a real threat. Children are much healthier with narcissists if you remove yourself when he or she has time with them. you’ve stated to yourself. Don’t reply. life and the narcissist – NO MORE! No Contact means no reactions.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Keep your tone one dimensional. No Contact means – NO ENERGY in any shape or form is given to the narcissist. and use intervention from the law if necessary to provide it. as obviously your children are a part of your susceptibilities and the narcissist will use the kids to get to you without any remorse about how it may affect them. It means creating powerful boundaries around where you live. take yourself out of the conversation. and allow only supervised visitation rights (if appropriate). Ensure that he or she sees the children alone. In the case of Modified Contact where you have children with the narcissist. and you don’t get tempted to try to do family time together. as little contact as possible is what’s required. and you DON’T accept their abusive energy anymore. The narcissist is not allowed to come into your home and invade your life or continue to practice entitlement.When you mean it. 41 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . then through legal means you can deny the narcissist access. Answer in mono-syllables and offer nothing more than the bare basics in any dealings or conversations. And this may mean that you change phone numbers and email accounts and you use any app that you need to in order to block the narcissist getting in contact with you. If you do need to have conversations with the narcissist. If the narcissist tries to bait you. This means not biting on the hooks he or she throws down in front of you. It isn’t healthy for you or the children. and show no emotion.
It’s very pleasing to a narcissist that they can still affect people. Virtually all narcissists are sociopaths. and it’s only in rare cases that an intervention order won’t work. and usually don’t leave you alone unless one is executed. The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact It’s likely that the narcissist is going to react to No Contact and that’s why intervention orders are a wonderful device to create boundaries with the narcissist and with yourself. You will find that the more you work on healing your inner parts. You may wish to set up that all communication is done via third parties. This is the most powerful and durable way that you can start achieving real results.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . Don’t be another on-going victim to add to the list. Most narcissists back off when an intervention order is put in place. and shifting out of the fear and pain connected with your children. If joint parenting. rather than speaking to him or her directly. and you will discover how quickly the narcissist loses his or her power or ability to affect you. Ex-partners make great sources of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are greedy. custody and settlement battles that things will start dropping into place for you. 42 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . they like to have a trail of people from their past that they can keep extracting supply from. and put the book in your child’s bag to give to the narcissist. you are absolutely entitled to get an intervention order with conditions that eliminates specific contact from the narcissist which can be enforced.You may consider using a conversation book whereby you write down emotionless instructions regarding the children’s well-being. and that people aren’t over them. and not psychopaths. They are bullies who are scared of organisations that are more powerful than their false self illusion.
it’s all about getting the much needed drug of attention. If you don’t create strong boundaries enforcing No Contact. you leave a precarious gap open whereby the narcissist will keep trying to extract narcissistic supply from you. You may be having a weak moment. healthy people don’t do this – and wouldn’t want to risk appearing desperate or needy. generally after the police contact the narcissist. The narcissist as a form of punishment may report you. Normal. Ex-partners are most definitely on the hit-list. the motivation to try for contact will be strong. and you mean it. Narcissists have admitted to me that when they are low on supply they will contact anyone who may hand it out. and not give in to the extreme addictive pulls you’re feeling towards the narcissist. If he or she feels that there’s any chance of doing so. Again. Leaving yourself open to these messages that could continue for a long time is dangerous. weeks. Having an intervention order in place will make you think twice before reacting in the moment and calling. and will certainly use your actions as ammunition against you in the future (haven’t you already experienced this many times ?) Also it can be more difficult to be taken seriously and put an intervention order in place next time. or are precariously low in his or her life. texting or dropping in on your ex-narcissist. It’s incredible how a narcissist who is not gleaning a response will continue days. you will not hear from him or her again. 43 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The intervention order may help you stay away too. You may still be struggling with the pain and the ‘what if’s’. the narcissist really doesn’t care what his or her targets of supply think. You can be sure this is done at a time when sources of narcissistic supply have dried up. If you break the intervention order there can be dire consequences.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . months and even years down the track to contact you.If a narcissist does breach an intervention order and you report it immediately to the police.
44 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .The narcissist generally does not make contact like a normal healthy person would. as well as suffering from the addiction withdrawal symptoms of pulling away. and as a result of the abuse you endured. Every time your phone goes off you’ll be wondering if it’s the narcissist. You’ll experience feelings of anxiety. Narcissists are high-level abusers. When disconnecting from the narcissist. The knowing that a message could come through at any time is tortuous. and some sort of promise. For me it felt like shards of ice coursing through my veins. and this is certainly not useful in the goal of establishing yourself and moving on with your life. Until you’ve recovered and empowered yourself by working on your unhealed parts it will affect you. and get your head ticking.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . until you’ve undergone recovery of self processes. messages that feign undying love. The narcissist is likely to make contact in a way that he or she knows will crawl under your skin. with things like “How are you? I’m wondering how you are getting on” or any other sane approach. derogatory accusations. you will be suffering from Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder. and your emotions by association with the narcissist are easily thrown into a spin. or stating fabricated situations that prey on your vulnerabilities (blind spots) will be used to try and re-establish contact. until you get on to your healing. Tactics such as cryptic messages. It’s likely that you’ll be checking constantly and almost obsessively. it can feel like a bomb has gone off. When receiving messages from the narcissist out of the blue. and you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think it will. you will be terrorised by possible contact.
he or she will delight in this. you may be one of many that take intervention orders off (I reneged on 2 before following through and meaning it). and continue to not contact. 45 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . It’s really important.If the narcissist knows that not contacting you is causing you extreme pain. but often this is not the case – even when the narcissist is receiving supply from others. I promise you this: The narcissist can feel it. it’s more likely that you’ll kick the horrible habit that is destroying you. or hand out the narcissist your new contact details. If you don’t have strong boundaries in place. and your goal is truly to disconnect.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . If the narcissist currently has other high level sources granting attention it’s possible you’ll be left alone. have a friend that you trust hold your hand. Be very aware that simply you obsessing and agonising is energetically granting the narcissist narcissistic supply. then do it. the narcissist is not going to easily accept his or her loss of narcissistic supply. If this means placing an intervention order and / or changing your email address. only to have to change them again in the future. Then you won’t be in the constant anxiety of ‘what if he / she makes contact?’ If you’re struggling to create these powerful boundaries. to put the effort into healing yourself during this period of disconnection (the aftershock) of leaving a narcissistic relationship. Your recovery process will go so much better when you cut off any of the possibilities of contact. and encourage you to go through with it. phone numbers etc. If you don’t. If you make it a mission to work on and recover yourself and your life. Maybe you have already been through this repeat experience yourself. More people do this than you could imagine. and absolutely imperative. The only way to achieve your personal success is to get your focus off the narcissist and firmly on to yourself.
3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . it is usual that the narcissist will do all he or she can to re-hook you. All of these tactics could change shape at random intervals.In this case. Or the narcissist may threaten and try to bring your life down. and if the narcissist sees a therapist alone. or may purposefully discard you and act like he or she doesn’t care. forcing you to go back. don’t be fooled into believing that finally he or she has got it. to go to therapy. The narcissist knows that acting like he or she doesn’t care about you is one of the most powerful ways to not allow you get to get closure. he or she will be working diligently at manipulating the therapist.which doesn’t grant you any sense of relief regarding his or her behaviour. The promise to give you space will fall over. had the epiphany and can now become a healthy partner.. The promise to change will fall over. In amongst the madness one thing is for certain: The narcissist does not keep his or her word.. If confronted by the begging and pleading narcissist. However when therapy starts – if it’s joint. especially if the tactic of abandonment pushes your buttons and keeps you running back. you’ll quickly discover the narcissist starts twisting the therapy sessions . The ‘I hate you and will never speak to you again’ will fall over. and may even start doing so. and keeps you on the hook. turned the corner. This is normal narcissistic behaviour when he or she is abandoned. that’s the strategy that will be used.. beg and promise you the world. 46 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . If this means he or she has to plead. Therapists despise working with NPDs for this very reason. This is common. Nothing can be taken literally as truth. The narcissist may even offer to get help.
you know how false the promises and ‘I’ll do anything to save this relationship’ statements are. it must crumble. If you do succumb. It just doesn’t happen. He or she will make sure this is not possible for you. and will be driven to punish you mercilessly. and extreme-level abuse will ensue. The narcissist also makes us realise one of the greatest spiritual lessons of all. as I did often and give it another try. The narcissist is furious that you left. it won’t take long before the old behaviour begins again and you’re re-hooked. This is true. now the relationship gets worse. the ship is going down and you’re going down with it. In Conclusion The overwhelming evidence and truth of narcissism is that you must get out and stay out. The justification will be – I have to protect myself in case I get left again. and I’m going to get everything I can in case this happens. and whatever isn’t real will not stand the test of time. If you stay things are only going to get worse. If you continue to stay the losses will only be magnified. Additionally. A life with a false person is not the truth. It’s the last thing that the narcissist wants. The narcissist is simply doing whatever it takes to re-establish narcissistic supply. the narcissist will start setting up separate bank accounts. 47 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . regardless of the losses you wish you could re-coup. Dangerously. let alone experiencing and creating a great life when connected to a narcissist. and that he or she had to grovel.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . There’s no holding on. trying to siphon money and resources out of the relationship to the best of his or her ability.If you’ve already gone through these cycles. Now there are more reasons for revenge. surviving or recovering.
Most people who exit narcissistic relationships lose out financially. Sometimes it takes ‘losing it all’ to realise the destruction of what living a life that isn’t real creates.Nothing . mortar or financial things are worth selling our soul for. and when we continue to stubbornly hang on to something that clearly isn’t healthy for us. nothing in life was real. and since that occurred there was no turning back – I recovered powerfully and quickly.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . I sincerely hope that this publication will help you get clear. and I wanted to force my version of ‘how it should be’ and ‘how he should be’ to work. I made enormous mistakes that kept me chained to the abuse. I found and formulated the answers myself piece by piece. At that point there was nobody to be found that had the answers and the clearly defined processes that were going to help me recover. joy and fulfilment than I had ever known I could possibly feel. I now help other people. It’s just the way it goes. and bring you to the understanding of what it is that you need to do. back our inner truth. 48 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . As you may have understood by the snippets of my story. I didn’t want to lose out financially. But what they do gain is the opportunity to heal and become a True Self. and the losses that occur when we don’t heed the warning signs. and discovered more inner peace. until I discovered the truth of what was happening to me. When you were with the narcissist. I didn’t want to lose the dream. and committed to really recover.no bricks. who have lived this nightmare. who can then add anything to their life as a bonus. regardless of the ‘stuff’ you thought you had as a result of the relationship. do the same.
you do deserve to live. When we let go into truth and flow with it. ‘Later’ means ‘What state will I be in. the next section is relevant for you. The narcissist clearly isn’t what you stand for and what you want. Life only beats us up when we resist what we know is truth. not after Christmas. Living without the narcissist and healing your unhealed parts and empowering yourself means LIFE. and will not provide you with any of these things.Not tomorrow. How to Recover In order to grant the space to get well. Living with the narcissist means death. You will achieve these perfectly normal human goals when you use the power of truth and acceptance to set you free. and feel clear that you do have to get out. heal your unhealed parts and empower yourself No Contact or Modified Contact is irrefutably necessary. The narcissist is the polar opposite of life. The decision of separation. when I do get out?’ You are human.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . not when the house has been paid off. stay out and rebuild yourself. reclaiming yourself and No Contact is required sooner rather than later. If you now know that you have been dealing with NPD. love. 49 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . creation. life takes us towards what is our truth – which is always glorious and a match for what we truly do want to experience. and try to make an unmakeable deal work. and not when the kids leave home. support and happiness. and you do deserve to be emotionally healthy and fulfilled and in love.
years or even decades down the track are still feeling pain. and we are usually emotionally overpowered by that person. and the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. months. In fact your addiction to the narcissist may be so extreme that you feel powerless to stop doing that.And of course initially that is going to be really tough. 50 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . The second way is when you are focused deeply in your inner work and recovery – which means that as you recover and gain yourself. The ‘white knuckling’. It is very usual that until you do start making your recovery all about yourself. within your emotions. that you will be very tempted to succumb to contact again. When we allow our self to be defined by what another person is or isn’t doing – we are powerless. or the much easier and empowered way. No Contact and Modified Contact creates the space to apply yourself to the real work in order to recover. Once you have created this essential boundary – you will immediately be dealing with the withdrawal effects of your addiction to the narcissist. There are two ways to experience this withdrawal. It is so important to understand that creating No Contact or Modified Contact is the beginning.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . It is not the complete answer. This journey is all about you committing to the healing of yourself so that you do learn how to be the true definer of yourself and your life. This is why people weeks. The first version is done when you are not focused on your own deep inner healing recovery – rather your focus. the narcissist becomes less and less on your mind. energy and anguish is fixated on the narcissist. tormented and difficult way. and loses his or her power to affect you and your life. fear.
I’d like to inspire you again about what you can achieve. and how you can heal by again sharing this link to the people who have worked these inner processes. There are 10 specific steps that I discovered and applied to myself in order to powerfully break free. love and others that has allowed you to get tangled up into narcissistic abuse.To understand your unhealed parts and the bigger picture of narcissistic abuse. 51 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . please read these blog articles and listen to these radios shows: Blog Article: Taking Personal Responsibility . These steps are 10 deep inner healing processes. These processes are applicable even if you are still in the relationship. a family member or parent. recover and completely transform my previous patterns of painful and abusive relationships. these processes and philosophies are invaluable because they have proven time and time again to work – even when nothing else has. and know you need to get out – but haven’t had the strength to do so yet. or any other significant narcissistic person in your life. and how you can claim the gift to become empowered. that transform your previous limiting beliefs at your Inner Identity level about self.Your #1 Tool to get Your Recovery Started Blog article: Healing From Narcissistic Abuse by Loving Yourself and Taking Responsibility Radio Program: What is Co-dependency? Please note all of my healing philosophies and processes are applicable if the narcissistic in your life is your love-partner. and move forward into your great and true life quicker.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . In order to make your life easier. life. which have proven to also be successful for thousands of other people who have applied these steps.
By healing yourself at this level. which changes all of your previous struggles with co-dependency and poor boundary function and the difficulty to back and honour yourself.Your true healing lies in deeply changing yourself at your Inner Identity level into an empowered ‘being’ who no longer has belief systems that are painful gaps and insecurities that narcissists can prey on. This means that every area of your life improves in ways that you only previously dreamed possible. In order for these steps to have maximum effect.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . These solutions are practical as well as spiritual and vibrational in nature. torment and feelings of loss and despair Step 2: Release and heal the ‘illusion’ of the perfect partner Step 3: Forgive yourself and Life for what you’ve been through Step 4: Release and heal the pain of the injustice and the betrayal Step 5: Let go of the fight to ‘win’ and create decency 52 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . you also learn to become ‘at one’ with yourself and life. These steps are: Step 1: Release the immediate pain. not only do you emerge as completely disconnected and indifferent to narcissists. it is best if they are applied directly to your Inner Identity belief system level. They get to the core of your being in a ‘language’ that goes much deeper than what your logical mind can achieve.
life and love. freedom and truth By working on these steps at your Inner Identity level. Then you are free to create a life where narcissists and narcissistic abuse is no longer your reality. Make sure you have approximately 90 minutes of free time where you can really get the benefit from this healing. you will heal and release your unhealed parts that have been programmed and conditioned via previous painful beliefs about yourself.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . When you heal these wounds within you – you will break free from the narcissist and rise to a level of indifference. To sample the Quanta Freedom Healing method. and where the narcissist has no power over you. you can listen to this radio show.Step 6: Release and heal the need to take responsibility for and trying to fix the abuser / narcissist Step 7: Connect to the gift of your own personal and spiritual empowerment Step 8: Release and heal the fear of the narcissist. which is the powerful process of the 10 deep healing steps in The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Radio Program: Create Your Goals. and what he or she may do next Session 9: Release and heal the connection to the narcissist (he / she is a part of me I can’t let go of) Step 10: Become my liberation. to be susceptible to narcissistic abuse. Dreams and Your Identity 53 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t .
There is a huge difference between simply ‘going’ through an experience. And you can become a true thriver as a result of this experience. and the more you do to love. As per this eBook I hope you understand how important No Contact is. the easier and faster this crucial and painful time will go for you.. and I look forward to working closely with you in order to co-create your True Self with you. Much love Melanie 54 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t . and to activate the inner healing processes to release the pain. It is the reprieve you need to heal and gain your True Self – and this time needs to be worked with determined and wisely.For more information. I hope with all my heart that you choose the later. or ‘growing through’ an experience. and flow into creating your freedom and True Life please see the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Please use this time of No Contact powerfully.3 r d E d i t i o n @Copyright Melanie Tonia Evans 2012 . It is the difference between survivors and thrivers. and the more you do to heal your unhealed parts. support and grant yourself the attention that you need..
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